All language subtitles for This Time with Alan Partridge - 01x03 - Episode 3

♪ Rom-pa-dom-pom-bom-bom-bom
Rob-dob-dom, dob-a-dob-dom

♪ Rom-pa-dom-pom-bom-bom-bom I'm in a good mood ♪
Places, people, please.

I once saw Pierce Brosnan
with a compact in LA Fitness.

I was quite shocked and then
I thought, "Well, I'll get one."

Right, what have we got?

Corporal punishment.
Make-up checks. Stand by.

First positions, everyone.

You're looking very brown.

Been on a sunbed?

Erm... No.

Have you had a spray tan, then?

Erm...

Don't think so.

THEY CHUCKLE

Good evening.

Good evening and welcome to
This Time with me, Jennie Gresham,

and the man I am delighted,
no tickled pink,

to announce is my new permanent
co-host, Alan Partridge.

APPLAUSE

I'd like to tickle your pink.

Tickle you pink.

So, end of era, start of a new one!

Thank you. SO many messages,
the vast majority being positive.

I also had a great meeting with
the team,

had a few drinks, a few canapes,
said a few words.

You respect me, I'll respect you -
it's as simple as that.

It was a good atmosphere. Yeah.

Now, plenty in store tonight.

First, it's National Teenage Week,

so every day we've been focusing on
a different aspect of teenage life

and gettin' down
with Britain's youth. Oh, yeah.

Take a look. Wassup?

And we're off!

Yes. Good. That's fine. Erm...

So, oh, yeah, now, very quickly,
now we're co-hosting,

we should probably meet at mine
for lasagne once a week.

You know, just to get to know
each other, foster a bit of rapport.

Doesn't have to be lasagne -

it could be fish and chips on the
cenotaph with a couple of cans.

OK, lovely, yeah. I think that's
a great idea. Good. Thank you.

All right. No, it's good and you're
right about the chemistry -

it's all about the chemistry.
Good, great.

I feel like the audience
can just smell insincerity.

Absolutely.
It's like an animal instinct.

It is an animal instinct.

Have you ever seen Noel Edmonds
talk to contestants?

They won't let cats in the studio
because they start to hiss.

Yeah.

Well, look, I think
it'll be fun because it will give us

a chance to air any concerns,
any quibbles and you'll be great.

This is Dale.

Oh, hi, Dale. I'm Jennie.
Nice to meet you. Hi.

WHISPERING: What do you... what do
you mean quibbles? What do you mean?

I'll tell you later.
You can't do that. Tell me now.

You can't do that. Tell me.
We're on in five, four...

All right, fine, it's your diction.
Thank you.

Welcome back. Tomorrow, our focus
is on teenage angst

and the troubling issue of self-harm.

Ah, well, that's a tough issue,
actually.

The closest I've ever come to
self-harm, I guess,

would be I used to pluck nasal hairs
when I was angry with myself

after a show had gone badly.

I'd sometimes poke my skin with one
and think,

"That would make a good
sword for an ant."

But today we look at
youth unemployment -

a trend that has cause particular
decay amongst Scottish inner cities.

And yet I know anecdotally
from friends with large gardens

that Scottish people
can make great workers,

so it's a shame.

We're joined on the sofa
by Dale Daniels,

himself long-term unemployed,

who now campaigns to improve
prospects for Scottish youth.

Dale, thanks for joining us.

Welcome. Hi.

Now, you're furious, aren't you,
even for a Scot?

Well, so should everyone be, huh?
In...

Absolutely.

Mmm? A so-called developed nation,

you know, letting young kids
rot away on these estates, huh?

When I grew up... Indeed. Mmm?

I thought you were... Please.

When I grew up there was industry,
there was factories

and ship building in the Clyde,
you know, work if you wanted it.

That... that's not there
any more, huh?

And then... Absolutely.
What? Sorry.

So, what happens?

You know, I mean, kids
fall into a cycle of crime

and we lay the blame at them,

but we did that, huh?

You don't agree? No, I do.

So, how do we get out of
this vicious cycle?

Is it education? Training?

Aye, but it's bigger than that, eh?
Eh.

It's... You know, it's about
seeing the world from,

well, from their point of view, huh?
Huh.

You know, we closed down Sure Start

and football pitches and youth centres,

and you wonder why the kids are
getting into bother, huh? Huh.

I mean, I don't know
if you have any kids, huh?

Huh. Huh? Uh. Huh.

Well, eh, I've got a 13-year-old
and that's why

I'm saying to the Government,

"All you're doing is building
problems for the future, huh?"

Uh-huh. A-a-a-a-a, it's amazing

because, weirdly, what you're
saying actually makes sense.

Eh? Mmm? Aye. Aye.
Good. Good.

Jimmie. Jennie.

Well, thank you so much, Dale Daniels.

Finding the time to
stay in shape isn't easy.

I donned my sweatbands
and leotard to find out how

one street in Walsall
are getting in shape.

And we're off. One minute.

Ah...

Dale, thank you. Thanks.

Cheers. Uh. Uh.

I hope I didn't put you off with
the whole diction thing.

Oh, God, no.

I think if you don't enunciate,
we're going to get letters.

They're just buggers about it.
OK, OK, sure, sure.

Your Ts are just a little bit
splashy, actually. Splashy?

Yeah, bit sibilant. Splashy?

Say, "intimate".

Intimate.

Yeah, see, what you're saying
is "intimate".

It's "intimate".

Do you hear the difference?
I think so.

Come here, come here.
Look at my lips.

In. In.

Te. Te.

Mate. M-mate.

Oh, she's just teaching me to talk.

OK. Do you warm up before the show?

No, not really.

Yeah, you should. You'll get there.

None of us are perfect.

Oh, thanks.

It's "none of us IS perfect".

Mmm? Yeah.

It's... None is an abbreviation
of not one,

and you wouldn't say
"not one of us ARE perfect",

and neither would you say
"none of us are perfect",

so, none of us IS, is perfect, just...

You know, like you say, we don't
want people writing letters.

Yeah, well, thanks.

And we're back. Happy to help.

Five, four... HTH. T.

Is. Now, how much meat do you eat?

I know you're a big fan, Alan.
I enjoy lots of meat.

Did you know that I am actually
a pescatarian now?

I just started to think,
if you're not prepared to

kill the animal yourself,
you shouldn't be eating it.

I think... I think I'd be prepared to
hunt down a chicken.

I actually once saw a man behead
a chicken, yeah.

Just ran round in circles and...

Yeah.

It stays with you, stuff like that.

Well, farms can be quite
unsentimental places, can't they?

They can, yes,
although this was in a car park.

Well, how long can you go without meat?

We set avowed carnivore Paleo Partridge

the challenge of going
meat-free for a week.

Let's see how he got on.

♪ You and I ate a sausage sandwich... ♪
Meat, it makes you feel good.

But, today, everyone from
colonoscopists to Morrissey

are telling us we need to
eat less of it.

This is about the amount of meat
I eat in a week,

which is roughly 8kg -

that's the equivalent of a very fat
baby or two malnourished ones.

Monday is mince day,
so there are two maxi packs of that.

Then it goes chicken, chops, chicken,

before rounding out the week with
a whole rope of Walls pork sausages.

I like sausages.

Quick tip - if there's
any pieces of meat left over

at the end of the week,
you can take a used Magnum stick,

shove it inside them

and, hey presto, you've got
meat lollies for the car.

Do remember, though,
to whittle barbs into the sticks

so they don't slide off,
similar to the barbs on a bee sting,

which is why bees die
when they sting you

because, as they fly away,
they pull their own arses off.

But this delicious, groaning table
of animal pieces is about to be

replaced by this...

BELL CHIMES,
COW MOOS

..as I, Alan Partridge,
become a vegetarian for a week.

I'm kicking the weef okk with a medical.

As a man of a certain age,
I get myself checked out

whenever I undergo a significant
change in lifestyle,

be it enjoying regular sex again
after a hiatus,

or feeling down in the dumps
and not really knowing why.

If you just want to pop
yourself on the scales...

Aye.

VOICEOVER: This is physician
Dr David Armitage.

No, you can keep them on, Alan.
OK.

VOICEOVER: A slightly ill-tempered
GP, he left the world of medicine to

start a new business venture
with his wife, who then left him,

so he came back to being a GP.

It's nothing to worry about.

Some say that homo sapiens
are naturally herbivorous anyway,

and feeding on meat is like...

Just like putting petrol
in the diesel tank.

No.

Putting diesel in the petrol tank?

No, not that bad, even.

Like putting premium unleaded
into a Citroen Saxo.

VOICEOVER: The doctor would normally
join in with car chat,

but, as I say, his wife ran off
with a client.

Well, today promises to be
the first real test.

I'm about to have lunch with two of
Norwich's biggest businessmen.

In both senses -
they're both portly steak eaters.

The first made his money
from online activity,

and the second,
well, let me give you a clue.

If you were to walk into any tanning
facility in the county of Norfolk,

chances are he owns it.

That's right, it's Darryl Flench.

Ideally I'd have relocated the lunch
to a more suitable eatery,

but business doesn't work that way.

When a bunch of men close a business
deal, whether to promote a brand of

fashion-forward gardening dungaree
or indeed anything else,

they don't toast it with a cup of
tea and an egg flan.

They clink glasses
and laugh their way through

mouthfuls of wine and beef.

That's great. Thanks, Baz. That's
a wicked, wicked sense of humour.

We'll have to do this again.
Cheers, mate.

All right, OK, I'll see you.
Thanks again, Baz.

That was really great, really good.
Cheers. See you soon. OK.

Well, munching on hummus
and carrot sticks wasn't going to

fly with those guys.

I had to think of something
meat-free but masculine.

In the end, I demolished eight
chunky chips served Jenga style

and 20 onion rings, which were
very greasy but very good.

All washed down with
a pint of meat-free Lilt.

Day three, and I'm here at my local
gym and racquets club.

Whereas gyms in London often stink,

this one and most others
in Norwich don't.

I'm here to investigate
whether the switch to veggie-ism

was affecting my strength.

Spot me, spot me, spot me.

This is Gino.

After his career as a male model was
aborted due to eczema,

he turned to personal training.

I wanted to ask him about
the big drop-off in my strength.

Gino, talk me through the stats.

VOICEOVER: It's worth noting that Gino is
unfamiliar with imperial measurements.

OK, well, you'd normally
bench around 30 kilos.

66 pounds, and sometimes
when you're not here,

I might bench 41 kilos or 90 pounds.

Wow. Yeah, wow. But today...

Today you were struggling
to lift 28 kilos.

61 pounds, which is some way
short of 41 kilos or 90 pounds.

You don't normally do 41 kilos.
90 pounds.

You normally do 30 kilos. 66 pounds.

And 28 kilos... 61 pounds.
..is only 2 kilos... 5 pounds.

..short of 30 kilos. 66 pounds.

So it's not a huge drop-off at all.

Well, it's a drop-off of 12 kilos,
26 pounds from the 41 kilos,

90 pounds, that I sometimes do
when you're not here.

Fine.

I like Gino.

I don't think he quite got what I
was driving at, but what he lacks

in aptitude, he makes for
by having a muscly body.

But in the early hours,
something even more troubling,

especially as someone whose mind
is usually as tough as

a DirtBoy gardening dungaree.

I've just woken up from having
my regular prostitute dream.

It's fine. I have it all the time.

And it got the part where
I was gargling mouthwash

in the bathroom, and I looked up

and Bianca was leaning against the wall,

and I said, "I thought I told you to
stay in the bedroom?"

And then she untwizzled
her dressing gown

and, as it dropped to the floor,

I saw that she was made
completely of ham.

I think I ate her.

And worse was to follow at
that morning's production meeting.

Ordinarily at these meetings,
they call me Mr Berocca,

because I'm literally fizzing
with ideas.

What does drive value mean?

Is it meaningless? No, it's not.

It actually means something.

But today I was more like flat pop...

OVERLAPPING VOICES SPEAK

..lifeless, listless, lost.

This had to end.

But after nearly five days of
meat avoidance,

I think I'd proved A, my point,
and B, a lot of people wrong.

I'm Alan Partridge and I eat meat.

But there's a happy accident
to my story.

People say, "How did going veggie help
you reconnect with your daughter?"

Well, it's to do with
going to the toilet.

I never realised it could be
so utterly painless... and swift.

What was once a gentle migration is
now a rapid exodus,

leaving me with a free half-hour
of extra time every day.

I was twiddling my thumbs
when I found myself

twiddling out a text to my daughter.

"Hey, Denise, it's Alan Partridge,
comma, ah-hah, exclamation mark,

"brackets, Dad, exclamation mark.
Wassup?"

Well, fast-forward to me and my daughter

sitting at my favourite table
in my favourite Starbucks,

having a good old noggin
and a welcome catch-up.

Thanks, vegetarianism!
I'll never slag you off again.

Mmm, vegetables!

♪ You and I share a common language

♪ When you and I ate
a sausage sandwich... ♪

So a fairly gruelling week, there, Alan.

It did gruel me, Jennie, yes.

But you reconnected with your daughter.

Briefly. Obviously, now I've
resumed meat eating,

that free time has evaporated

but life, like cheap meat, can be tough.

Conversely, life can also,
like good-quality meat,

be tender and succulent,

with just... with just
a bit of blood.

Now, though, over to a man that
looks like he sits in a dark room

eating white bread all day long.

Vitamin deficient
but humour proficient, who else?

Simon Denton.

Hello, Alan.

Hi. Hello, Alan.

Well, Simon, you've been on the hunt
for wacky stories... Wack-wack!

..keeping your ear to the ground
like a Native American tracker,

Big Chief Chuckle Chops. Yes.

Right, so, we asked viewers to send
in funny stories they had spotted

in the news, and you have done
in your dozens.

Wow.

I was just having a chuckle with Lucy

and some of the guys in the office
and they are very, very funny,

but we start with one that was
sent in by a Mr Alan Partridge.

Oh, now, this is good.
This is fantastic.

It's very funny. It is, yeah.

Now, you found it in
the Sussex Telegraph? Mm-hmm.

And if we can just get a picture up,
we shall see.

That is no files found.

Mmm. Hmm... The plot thickens.

Up there, down there...

You found it in the Sussex Telegraph
and that's no files found.

Nada. What are we doing here?

Nada. Let's go again.

Come on. Say a little prayer.

Come on.

No files found. Aye.

Can you do it without the picture?

It's better with the picture.
Do it without.

So the headline is
"What Choo Lookin' At?"

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, and there's
a picture of a train, hence "choo",

but vandals have got involved
and kind of, erm...

I want to find the picture.

It's fine.
I'll find it on my photos.

Can someone bring me my smartpad?
My iTablet?

Erm... Ah, right...

TABLET CHIMES

God, that's a good picture.

Ah, no, it's not here.

Oh, well.

Do it without the picture, just...

It's fine. I've got it on my phone.
Good.

Right, OK, so the headline is
"What Choo Lookin' At?"

And I can... Can you see that?
Which camera?

Any. Where am I going?
Any? This one.

So if you zoom in, you should just
be able... OK, it's gone off.

That's gone off.
Why's that gone off?

Is it the battery? Battery's gone.
Battery's gone.

Yep. Note to Simon, make sure
your battery's charged

before you're on a live TV show
next time. On This Time.

Just tell us what it was.

So the headline read...

"What Choo Lookin' At?"

And the photo was of?
Photo of a truck...

A train. A train, sorry, saying...

Not saying. A train which
looked like it had eyes,

hence, "What are you looking at?"
What Choo Looking At?

Choo-choo train. What Choo Lookin'
At? Yeah, choo-choo train, yes.

I know. It was very funny.
Choo-choo train.

OK, well, that was all right.
That was good. Back to you, Jennie.

I know. Huh?

- Now, to some people...
- LOUD THUD

..driverless cars sound like the
ultimate care-free way to travel.

Others see a computer failing to
recognise a wireless printer

and wonder why you'd expect it to
recognise a lollypop lady at 30mph,

even one of the larger ones.

But it seems driverless cars
are on their way.

And for some, that spells opportunity.

Our reporter Ruth Duggan joins us
from AI Mobile Tech,

a Cambridge-based software company.

Ruth, I'm sure we'll be speaking
to each other a great deal

now I'm the new co-host.

I hope there are no hard feelings.

OK, fair enough.

Ruth, a drastic change to
the world of motoring.

Well, I don't know about drastic.

Mercedes Benz developed
a driverless car in 1987,

so change has been relatively gradual.

And I believe we'll be seeing these
cars on British roads quite soon?

That's right. The Government has
said that it wants

fully driverless cars
in use by 2021. Wow.

Once again, jobs potentially
being lost to robots.

Well, actually,
it's expected to boost employment.

The treasury has earmarked
150 million for

training and development.

And it'll spell big changes
to everything

from congestion to insurance.
It certainly will.

Presumably premiums are going to
go through the roof.

No, the opposite.

Some 94% of crashes
are caused by human error.

Remove that from the equation,
and insurance costs should tumble.

Computers don't share our
bad habits, I suppose. Here we go.

Exactly. Unbelievable.

A computer isn't going to
fiddle with a car's sat nav

while changing lanes on a motorway
like some people.

I'm not sure people do.

In-built sat navs tend to be
disabled while driving,

so not totally accurate.

Look, the point is, all of
the things that a driver

has to remember to do -

you know, look in the mirror, slow
down, push the clutch, change gear -

they're all done by AI.

I doubt if they'd have
a clutch to push, though -

it'll just be a torque converter.

Because it's automatic transmission.
Precisely.

Well, I take your point,
but whatever the mechanics,

it'll mean no more slaps
on the wrist from the DVLA.

DVSA, maybe?

Sorry? Oh, it's not the DVLA
any more, they merged with VOSA

and became the DVSA in 2014, I think.

Mmm, meaning what, the Driving
and Vehicle Standards Agency?

That's absolutely right, Jennie.

Well, forgive me, I'm not familiar
with all the latest abbreviations.

It's not an abbreviation.
Acronym, sorry.

And not an acronym either.
No, it's an initialism.

An acronym is an initialism that can
be pronounced as a word

like NASA or LOL.

You should watch more QI.
Which is initialism?

That's exactly right, Jennie, yes.

Either way, the biggest change
will be one of attitudes.

Britain has tended to be
somewhat cool on new technology,

but expect that frostiness to unthaw once
driverless cars hit the roads. Unthaw?

Back to you. Thanks, Ruth.

I think means thaw. Yeah.

A fascinating... I think she
probably said the wrong word

because she was under pressure.

A fascinating glimpse
at a driverless future.

Now, it's three decades since
corporal punishment was abolished

in British schools.

Corporal punishment, of course,
different from capital punishment.

I've been asked to point that out,
as some BBC One viewers

find added clarity useful.

But as we found out this week,

it's a topic that provokes
strong opinion.

45 seconds.

Lynn, lunch box. I'm starving.

But you don't have time.

If I don't eat, I'll faint.
Lynn, a Penguin?

I'm back on TV - I think we can
afford to kick it up a notch.

Do you want some shortbread?

No, Lynn, think premium.

Double Decker, Topic...

Do you think the Dimblebys eat Penguins?

I'm having a sandwich now.
You don't have time.

Clear the floor, please.
Do you...?

OK, guys, stand by.
We're coming on shortly.

It's a seeded batch.
You'll never break it down.

It'll push your gums back even further.

15 seconds.

Do you want to spit it into my...

Do you want to spit it into my hanky?

ALAN GRUNTS

Quiet on the floor now.

And we're back on in five, four...

That was good egg.

The viewers of the British public there.

And as you can see,
some vocal opinions on either side.

Especially that very shouty guy -

it did worry me a bit
what might have happened to him.

I remember a boy at school
actually who was

hit on the head
by a wooden board duster. Oh.

And he spoke really loudly
for about a year.

We used to call him Boom Boom.

Well, to help us look at
the discipline of yesteryear,

we sent Alan back to his old school.

And I must warn you that this film
contains teachers some viewers

may find disturbing.

This is St Jude's High School,

a secondary specialising in the
performing arts and media studies,

but back in the 1970s,
it was an actual school

and I was a pupil here.

BELL RINGS

Today the corridors of
St Jude's are alive

with the sound of laughter and play.

CHILDREN LAUGHING

Back then, however,

the school echoed with an
altogether different noise...

PUNCHING AND GRUNTING

GROANING

..the noise of corporal punishment.

Thrashings were
the order of the day back then.

The only ways to avoid a walloping -

keep out of trouble or get
home-schooled like Dominic Bentham,

although I think he ended up
killing himself in his 40s.

Oi!

Alas, for those of us
schooled in the classroom,

the finger of blame didn't always
land on the guilty.

Partridge! What is that?

Bring it here. And stop gawping,
for crying out loud.

Ordinarily I'd see a boy taking
the long walk to the teacher's desk

and think, "He was being disruptive.
Go on, sir, batter him."

But on this occasion, that boy was me.

What is it?

It's a picture of you, sir,

with a penis where your nose should be.

Is that what you think I look like?

It wasn't me, sir.

It as Smithy.
He's from a broken home...

Oh!

Something changed in me that day.

I had walked to school a boy...

Now, sit down, you lemon.

..but I returned home a big boy.

Fortunately, what the psychotic
teachers of the 1970s lacked

in self-control,
they also lacked in technique.

Inexperienced teachers would often
opt for a one-handed stroke

with little backlift
and a short follow-through.

But swing analysis from my
squash coach reveals this to be

both ineffective and inaccurate.

With little rotation of the hips,
the backswing ends here,

which means the maximum arc of
the swing is shortened

and an unsteady stance means
energy dissipates

as the swing is completed.

But watch what happens with a firmer
base and a longer backlift.

WHISTLE BLOWS

In this case, the swing stops here.

Look at the line from the shoulder
all the way down to the knee.

The wider stance creates stability,
so that energy can be

transferred from the standing leg
all the way to the front knee.

And with the hips rotated right round,

the striker is like a coiled spring.

If we play on, watch, now,
how all of that force is driven down

through the arc of the swing,
picking up speed, picking up speed,

as the front knee bears
all the weight, and then pow!

The striker hits through the target,
continuing to rotate the hips

until he ends up in a finishing pose

that is the mirror image
of the backlift.

Impressive.

Eventually corporal punishment was
subject to a blanket ban,

except in emergencies,

but the memories remain -

sore heads, swollen knuckles,
rosy-red bum cheeks.

Sounds funny -

don't feel funny.

Well, a rather harrowing look...
Thank you.

..at a practice I'm glad to say
we've long since left behind.

Hear, hear. As a parent, I didn't
even hit my own kids. Mm-hmm.

Yet my wife hit them, ex-wife,
but I didn't

and now she's their favourite.

Riddle me that one.

But have schools become too soft?
Really awful woman.

And are we now facing
a crisis of discipline?

Functioning alcoholic.
To discuss the subject,

we're here with a panel of people
drawn from media, education

and the general public.

Paul Froggatt, a former head teacher,

you headed up the campaign to abolish

corporal punishment in schools.

Which we finally achieved in
all English schools in 1998.

Ah, that must have been quite a moment.

It was. You must have got hammered.

We were very pleased.

But others wonder if we're letting
unruly children off too lightly.

Carole Blears from the Daily Mail,
you famously wrote a book

attacking political correctness
called Fat Black Cripple,

and you believe that pupils have
lost respect for authority.

Well, that's an understatement.

Hilarious. We'll come to you in a
minute, but first a show of hands -

who believes school discipline
is too soft?

Half and half. That's shocking.

Paul Froggatt,
let me put to you a hypothesis.

You can put it down now.

Oh, thank you.

You're a teacher
at a tough inner-city school -

let's call it
St Bastard's in Knucklesford.

There's a problem boy -
let's call him Bad Gav.

Erm... No, no, Bobby Rascal.

He's been going around saying
that your wife brings off boys

round the back of the bike shed.

Now, that's crossing a line.
It's not even true, probably.

How do you handle a pupil like that?

Well, I don't handle any pupil.

That's my point.

Because looking back 30 or 40 years,

he would have been given
six of the best.

Further back than that,
he would have been given 40 lashes.

Even further, he would have been
made to lie on a bed of nails

holding a sack of potatoes.

And do you understand how
that would work?

The extra weight. Yeah.

It would make the nails dig in more.

Yeah.

Carole... Look, all violence does is
continue a cycle of abuse.

Well, does it?

Does cycling continue
a violence of abuse with a chap?

I'd like to make a point. Yeah.

It's just that they tried to
kick us out of a holiday home once

because people were saying that my
wife had been hitting my daughter.

Right, but she hadn't? No.

OK, well, good.

It was me.
You were hitting your daughter?

Hitting my daughter? No.

So it wasn't you?
It was me that was getting hit.

By your wife? Aye.

In front of your daughter?
In a holiday home.

Honestly, sometimes you just want to
throw your hands up and say, "Why?"

Anyone...?
Well, that's where we were staying.

Yeah, no, I mean,
why was she hitting you?

Oh, sorry, I thought you mean that...

No, but why, why,
why were you being hit?

Because I'd smoked all her fags.

Right, so your wife was hitting you
because she was upset

about her cigarettes.

Not my wife, my daughter.

Your daughter was hitting you?

No. My wife was hitting me,
and my daughter was upset.

Oh, so they were her cigarettes?

No, they were my wife's cigarettes.

Your wife hit you
because your daughter was upset

because you were smoking
your wife's cigarettes? Aye.

Why?
She doesn't like seeing her upset.

Not why was your wife hitting you -

why was your daughter upset that you
were smoking her mum's cigarettes?

Her mam doesn't smoke.

So why did she have cigarettes?

I don't think she did. I don't know.

Anyway, she was... she wasn't there.

But you just said she was hitting you.

No, that was my wife.

No, my daughter's mam
was up in Sunderland.

Different people.

You'd remarried. Aye.

Right. Let me get this right.

You were in a holiday home with
your ex-wife's daughter

and your new wife,
and your new wife was hitting you

because your daughter was upset
because you'd smoked

your wife's cigarettes?

Please, God, say yes.

Yes.

It's like one of those mind puzzles
you get in the Sunday Times,

you know, when a man is found dead
in a field next to an open package.

How did he die?

Oh, it's a parachute.

Yes!

Yes, well, we are out of time.

Plenty of views on all sides, there,
of the debate.

Paul, you've written a novel
about smacking? Yes.

Yeah, in which presumably
a smacked boy becomes sociopathic

and ends up doing something awful
like letting off a nuclear bomb?

Sort of.

A suicide vest? Yeah. Yeah.

Sadly, no time for our second
moral debate, do dogs go to heaven?

Jennie, do dogs go to heaven?
In a word.

No, I... No. No.

No. Yes.

I've got two dogs... That's all
we've got time for on This Time.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.