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Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is The Fix,
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the show where we take
the world's biggest problems
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00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:16,416
and try and solve them.
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And the world's biggest problem
is the world is getting hotter.
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Our planet's been around
for over four billion years,
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00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:23,532
and we've been able to ruin it
in just a century.
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It's actually pretty impressive
if you think about it.
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The oceans are rising,
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glaciers are melting
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00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:31,998
and devastating freak weather patterns
are becoming the norm.
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In fact, a better name for global warming
might be Arma-fucking-geddon.
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97% of academics agree global warming
is caused by human activity.
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The other 3% of academics are being paid
so much money by oil companies,
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they literally couldn't give a shit.
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Because their natural habitats
are being destroyed,
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many species of animals
could become extinct.
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So eat that snow leopard while you can.
Stocks are limited.
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Thanks to global warming,
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the world is drowning and on fire.
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It's like we're all living
inside Kanye West's mind.
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Terrifying.
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Luckily, I've got four very funny
comedians and half an hour to kill.
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We've got this. Welcome to The Fix!
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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
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Here's how the show works.
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I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for global warming.
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Our studio audience will be voting
for their favorite at the end of the show.
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That'll be that, problem solved.
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Joining me this evening are DL Hughley
and Ron Funches.
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And Katherine Ryan and Sasheer Zamata.
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Later on, we'll be hearing the fixes,
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but, before that,
let's take a closer look at the problem.
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Okay, global warming.
Sasheer, what do you think?
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Well, I think maybe
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the Earth is supposed to die.
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I mean, I want it to last
as long as possible, but...
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it's kind of like being
in a toxic relationship.
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Like, if my boyfriend's being bad to me,
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I can recycle all I want, but...
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If he's taking my resources,
I should cut it off. You know?
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Feels like they knew the guy. "Yeah."
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Okay, Ron, what do you think?
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It's got its pluses and minuses...
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I mean, I'm a summertime boy.
I like the heat myself.
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I get to wear a lot of fun t-shirts.
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I can show them off. That's fun for me.
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Good that we're not getting right
to the heart of the issue straight away.
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No, hot can be fun sometimes.
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It's fun to be thirsty sometimes.
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Katherine, what do you think?
Global warming?
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I'm undecided.
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I feel that enough corporations
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with interests financially in fossil fuels
and a destructive agenda,
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if they paid me enough money,
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I could be persuaded to pretend
like it didn't exist.
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You know, a big shout-out,
American Petroleum.
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So you're saying that you're for sale
in terms of your belief in global warming?
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I'm absolutely for sale.
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And why not?
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If you're going to convince me
global warming exists,
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you've got to first convince me
science exists.
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Why do you think an oil company
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are going to pay you
for saying global warming isn't real?
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Look, I used to work at Hooters
and people paid me to do that.
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It's always wise to have a side hustle.
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And my side hustle is...
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American Petroleum!
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Keeping us safe for billions of years.
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And billions more to come.
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So enjoy your coal.
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You've got a great shot
at winning tonight, I'd say.
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Sasheer, do you know anyone that
seriously doesn't believe in the science?
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That doesn't believe in global warming.
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I'm not friends with dummies, so no.
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What about you guys?
Do you know anyone that's not convinced?
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I mean, my sister goes to this church
that doesn't believe in it.
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And then my crazy Uncle Jerry
doesn't believe in it.
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- Crazy Uncle Jerry?
- Mm-hmm.
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That's a weird first name.
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Well, if you knew him,
you'd know that's his first name.
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You don't look at him and go,
"Okay, that's stable Uncle Jerry."
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Do they... So neither of them
believe in global warming?
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No, my sister's church think it's caused
by, like, homosexual marriage.
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So... I don't know.
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You think homosexual marriage
might be the problem?
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For global warming?
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It's pretty hot, I guess.
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Why do religious people think
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it's always gays and abortions
that start all the floods?
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Like it's not Harvey Weinstein and
Bill Cosby fucking everybody?
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It's not that.
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How environmentally aware are you?
Do you recycle?
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No, I do not...
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...recycle.
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I've been known to date
the odd married man. I've done that.
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But...
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That's not the kind of recycling
we're talking about.
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I don't have to.
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Because I'm a very good girl
every Christmas
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and my contribution to coal is low.
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And it's an unpopular opinion,
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but someone has to say it,
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polar bears needed to lose weight.
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How...
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How did that get applause?
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Where are we finding these people
that went,
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"Yeah, those polar bears
have had it too easy too long"?
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Okay, here's a question.
What worries you most?
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Rising sea levels, extreme weather,
mass extinction? What do you think?
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Well, I'm a black man,
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so we've been worried about
mass extinction for a long time, so...
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If it's a little hot when we get there,
ah, fuck it, it'll be alright.
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I'm going to jump off that.
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I guess we'll go with the rising
sea levels because of the swimming.
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- Because of the swimming?
- Mm-hmm.
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I'm making racial jokes.
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What does worry you the most
about global warming and climate change?
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I mean, mostly my popsicle bill
is crazy now.
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What do you really want me to do?
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Apply yourself to this problem
and come up with a solution.
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Okay, let's... stay inside.
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Okay, Katherine, what do you think?
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I'm most worried about the Chinese...
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who...
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invented global warming as a hoax
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to undermine
the American manufacturing industry.
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Are you being paid by someone
to say that, Katherine?
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I enjoy Exxon.
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In 1920, Jimmy, they were worried
about global cooling.
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Did that happen?
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Give me a break.
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You can't prove it exists.
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There are a lot of people
who believe that it doesn't and I...
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am joining them.
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97% of scientists think global warming
is a real thing caused by man.
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I'm just trying to give a voice
to the American people.
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Any idiot can do that now and win.
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Vote for me.
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Okay, now we all think
we know what causes global warming,
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but there are lots of ways we're
contributing without even knowing it.
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DL, Ron, pick a picture and I'll tell you a way that we're ruining the world.
-6543
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I want this old guy eating a burger.
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He looks like he's having a good time.
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So you've chosen
the person eating a cheeseburger.
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The production of one cheeseburger
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causes 6.1kg of CO2 emissions.
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- Jesus.
- Oh, okay.
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That's largely down to the methane
produced in farming beef.
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In other words, cow farts.
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- DL, do you eat a lot of cheeseburgers?
- I do not.
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How do we know this is real?
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Maybe Chick-fil-A put you up to this shit.
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It's true.
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Yeah. Yeah, that's the problem
with Chick-fil-A.
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Ron, do you eat a lot of cheeseburgers?
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Yeah.
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Would that stop you eating cheeseburgers?
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No.
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Jimmy, I don't know if you know about me,
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but I lost, like, 140lb. Like...
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I work out six days a week,
Monday through Friday.
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I drink a protein shake for lunch
every day
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and I do that just so on Saturday
I can eat a fucking cheeseburger.
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Nobody's taking that from me.
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Not you, not science.
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Not India.
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Nobody.
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Well, I'll call my friends
India and science
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- and I'll tell them to back off.
- Tell them I've got beef with them!
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Sasheer, Katherine,
what would you like to pick?
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Um...
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The ba...
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There's no... You don't win anything.
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Let's do the toilet.
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Okay.
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She's so close. She could just go.
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Why is she...
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Why is she holding it?
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Just go.
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Okay, so you've chosen
the person needing the toilet.
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We all know air travel
is bad for the environment,
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but did you know having a full bladder
makes it worse?
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If every passenger on a plane
has a full bladder,
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it adds an extra 240lb of weight
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and therefore the plane uses more fuel.
186
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So, in Japan, an airline
has encouraged everyone
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to visit the washroom
before they get on the plane.
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Oh, well, that sounds like my mom.
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"Make sure you go to the bathroom
before we leave." You know?
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Actually very environmentally sound
advice.
191
00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:04,035
Yeah.
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I think it's common courtesy
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not to go to the bathroom on a plane
if you can avoid it.
194
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,910
I think just please don't. Why...
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00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:13,522
Sometimes as soon as you're on the plane,
people use the bathroom.
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Those are my enemies.
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00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,051
DL, what do you think of that?
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Would that make you pee
before you got on the plane?
199
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:24,333
Not as much as I paid for first-class
tickets. I'm peeing while I go.
200
00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:27,059
You're going...
201
00:10:28,527 --> 00:10:31,030
You're going to take care of me and my pee
in first class.
202
00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:33,866
What's your...
What's your airplane routine, Ron?
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00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:35,134
Oh, okay.
204
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:37,203
Normally, I get through security
205
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and then I make a cross
because I got all my drugs through.
206
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:47,446
Then I get on that plane, I board.
207
00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:51,217
Hopefully I'm in first class,
but not always. I'm not up where DL is.
208
00:10:55,021 --> 00:10:57,356
Then I put on my headphones,
I listen to a podcast
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and then I wait
for everybody to calm down.
210
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Then I go in the bathroom and I pee
and I vape weed in there. It's great.
211
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:05,965
Okay.
212
00:11:06,032 --> 00:11:07,967
Are you a member of the mile high club?
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00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:09,969
No. I mean, do people really do that?
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00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,137
That sounds horrible.
215
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:13,673
I think they do.
216
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:16,642
"The mile high club"
makes it sound very glamorous,
217
00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:19,087
but what they're saying is
"We had sex in a chemical toilet."
218
00:11:19,111 --> 00:11:22,014
Yeah. If you're fucking in a plane,
you just...
219
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:23,683
What, is this Spirit Airlines?
220
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,324
Okay, pick a picture,
221
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:33,325
Ron, DL.
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00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:35,461
The lady holding the urn
with "Albert" on it.
223
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,763
She looks pretty pleased he's dead,
doesn't she?
224
00:11:39,298 --> 00:11:40,298
She did it.
225
00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:42,401
She definitely killed him. 100%, yeah.
226
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:44,570
Also, how big was Albert?
227
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,209
- That's a massive urn right there.
- Fat Albert.
228
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:51,844
Is that Fat Albert?
229
00:11:54,246 --> 00:11:55,881
Okay, every year in the US,
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00:11:55,948 --> 00:11:58,651
about 250,000 tons of CO2
231
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,320
are released due to the cremation
of human bodies.
232
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:06,058
That's the equivalent of the damage done
by 41,000 cars.
233
00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:08,894
Well, that's because Americans
are so fat right now.
234
00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:11,630
We could solve that problem
by skipping breakfast.
235
00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:16,435
I don't want to be cremated.
I just want to be shot into space.
236
00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:20,239
Just shoot me into space...
237
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:23,346
Sorry, is this after you're dead or would
you like that to be cause of death?
238
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:24,710
Honestly, I would do it now.
239
00:12:25,444 --> 00:12:26,946
Get me out of here.
240
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:31,617
Okay, the most environmentally friendly
way to get rid of a body is this.
241
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:32,718
The body suit.
242
00:12:32,785 --> 00:12:37,389
Within it there are special mushrooms
that will sort of absorb and eat your body
243
00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:39,492
in a very environmentally friendly way.
244
00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:40,693
It's like a death suit.
245
00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:43,763
Happy birthday, Grandma.
246
00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:46,766
I don't know why it has buttons though.
247
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,902
Someone's trying to look
at these dead titties? Like why...
248
00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:52,872
You'd be surprised.
249
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,940
It's true.
250
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,986
I've got friends that just dress like this
to go to raves though.
251
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,215
What do you think of that? Being eaten
by mushrooms after you die.
252
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:05,162
You eat mushrooms a lot now.
It seems only fair.
253
00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:08,254
Yeah, it sounds fun.
It sounds like the circle of life to me.
254
00:13:09,321 --> 00:13:11,791
I eat mushrooms
and then I become mushrooms
255
00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:14,760
and then my friends eat those mushrooms
and then they get high
256
00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:16,195
and then they see me.
257
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,631
Sure.
258
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:21,967
Have you got...
259
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:28,174
Have you got a plan for your funeral?
Do you know what's going to happen?
260
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,775
Thank you for asking.
261
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:34,346
Go on, what's the... Is it cremation,
burial? What sort of thing?
262
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:36,315
Okay, if I'm single when I die,
263
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:37,383
I just want to be buried.
264
00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:38,818
Just get rid of me.
265
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,452
But if I'm married,
266
00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:43,656
I want to be turned into, like,
an animatronic robot...
267
00:13:44,456 --> 00:13:46,692
and just put on my couch,
so then when she...
268
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,060
I want her to move on and date,
269
00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:50,038
but then, when they come over,
I want to be like,
270
00:13:50,062 --> 00:13:52,031
"Oh, so you think you can replace me?"
271
00:13:56,735 --> 00:13:57,736
That's dope.
272
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,105
DL, what are your funeral plans?
273
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,674
I hope I'm surprised.
274
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,979
"Guess what day it is?"
275
00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:13,219
Okay, here on The Fix,
we have our very own data expert.
276
00:14:13,285 --> 00:14:14,753
Please welcome Mona Chalabi!
277
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:19,057
Hi!
278
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,196
Hey, Mona. So we're looking for data
on global warming.
279
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,364
What have you got for us?
280
00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:28,500
Well, Jimmy, we all know which countries
are the big main polluters.
281
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:30,569
China, the US, India, and Russia.
282
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:31,837
But that's hardly surprising.
283
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:35,641
They all have huge populations
that inevitably consume more energy.
284
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:39,478
So I wondered whether the list of
the biggest polluters would look different
285
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,014
if you took population size into account.
286
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,515
And it turns out it does.
287
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:45,517
Let me show you how
with some illustrations.
288
00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:50,756
With 13.5 metric tons of carbon
produced per person per year,
289
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,658
there's one country
that's clearly culpable.
290
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,726
Qatar.
291
00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:55,561
But before we blame Qatar too much,
292
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,863
it's worth considering
why this tiny nation
293
00:14:57,930 --> 00:15:00,466
with a population
of less than three million people
294
00:15:00,532 --> 00:15:02,034
guzzles this much carbon.
295
00:15:02,434 --> 00:15:05,437
It's because Qatar extracts
petroleum and natural gas,
296
00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:07,506
which it then exports
to the rest of the world.
297
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,775
It's no wonder then
that other energy exporters,
298
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,378
like Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates
and Bahrain
299
00:15:12,444 --> 00:15:15,114
are also among the biggest polluters
per person.
300
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:18,384
The other big offenders on the list
also have something in common.
301
00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:22,321
Islands like Trinidad and Tobago,
Curacao and Sint Maarten
302
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:24,924
are all popular vacation destinations.
303
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:28,928
We show up as tourists,
stay in huge, energy-wasting hotels,
304
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:31,230
bump up their per capita CO2 emissions
305
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:32,665
and then disappear again.
306
00:15:33,132 --> 00:15:36,035
So even though this new list
of the biggest polluting nations
307
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:38,370
paints a different picture
to what we might expect,
308
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:40,005
it's still all our faults.
309
00:15:40,539 --> 00:15:41,473
That's extraordinary.
310
00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:44,452
You're saying these tiny nations
are actually worse environmental polluters
311
00:15:44,476 --> 00:15:45,511
than the big nations.
312
00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:47,355
If you look at it
on a per person basis, yeah.
313
00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:50,082
Where's the best place?
Where's got the lowest emissions?
314
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:50,983
It's Tuvalu.
315
00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:52,384
- What, sorry?
- Tuvalu.
316
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,086
- What's Tuvalu?
- It's a country.
317
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,155
Which is near...
318
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:01,293
I'm sorry, Mona, the data expert.
319
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,829
I think it's a West African country.
Does anyone here know?
320
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:05,064
What do you...
321
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:06,810
- Oh, blame it...
- No-one here knows.
322
00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:09,668
Blame it on the West Africans!
323
00:16:09,735 --> 00:16:12,137
Okay, I've just been told in my ear
it's near Fiji,
324
00:16:12,204 --> 00:16:14,406
so you could not have been more wrong.
325
00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:19,549
I mean, Mona, I understand
you turned up here on the first day
326
00:16:19,578 --> 00:16:22,748
and you said, "I'm a data expert,"
and we all went, "I guess she is."
327
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,550
- Not geography!
- Who would lie about that?
328
00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:25,884
- Not geography.
- Turns out...
329
00:16:25,951 --> 00:16:27,886
Bullshit, Mona. Bullshit.
330
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:31,223
You've no idea.
331
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,425
Ask me again.
332
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:35,995
Where's Tuvalu?
333
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:37,596
Well, it's actually near Fiji.
334
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:41,199
Really?
335
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,034
Really, Mona?
336
00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:46,005
Okay, what else have you got for us?
337
00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:48,474
So, Jimmy,
we know that global warming is happening
338
00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:50,509
and that, because of it,
sea levels are rising.
339
00:16:50,976 --> 00:16:54,013
But it can be hard to grasp
what the numbers mean in real terms.
340
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:55,879
With the help
of some illustrations I've made,
341
00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:58,517
I wanted to explain
and make it all a bit more relatable.
342
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:02,388
Let's just look at very recent history.
The past 25 years.
343
00:17:02,454 --> 00:17:05,157
Between 1993 and 1994 alone,
344
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,860
the world's sea levels rose by 7mm,
345
00:17:07,926 --> 00:17:09,361
about a quarter of an inch.
346
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:10,468
If you can't imagine that,
347
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:13,098
that's about the length
of your nail on your little finger.
348
00:17:13,165 --> 00:17:14,900
Levels have kept rising and rising
349
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,668
so that, by the year 1997,
350
00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:20,439
the world's seas were 18mm higher
than they were in 1993.
351
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:24,176
To help you understand, that's the size
of an average human testicle.
352
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:31,349
Really, Mona?
353
00:17:32,651 --> 00:17:35,054
You're a data expert
354
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:38,066
and you thought, "Well, this is the only
thing that people will understand"?
355
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,001
- Did you understand it, Jimmy?
- I do understand.
356
00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:41,025
There you go.
357
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,796
Although one of mine
is bigger than the other two.
358
00:17:43,862 --> 00:17:44,963
Statistically...
359
00:17:51,937 --> 00:17:56,308
I mean, who are these scientists
teabagging their balls into the sea?
360
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:00,879
I'm using the analogies.
361
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,283
Maybe the water's not rising.
Maybe his balls are dropping.
362
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:05,484
We don't know if it's...
363
00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:09,053
Why don't...
364
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,837
We're all getting older, DL.
We're all getting older.
365
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,694
Okay, Mona, get back to it.
366
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:18,397
But what about
the current state of affairs?
367
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:23,435
Sea levels are now 87mm higher
than they were just 25 years ago.
368
00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:27,272
Almost 3.5 inches. That's about the length
of a middle finger.
369
00:18:27,806 --> 00:18:30,042
So what?
What's a few inches between friends?
370
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,644
Well, our world wasn't built
for these changes.
371
00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:34,012
if current trends continue,
372
00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:37,516
millions of people in cities
like Rio de Janeiro, Shanghai and Miami
373
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:40,586
will see their homes and livelihoods
destroyed as the water rises.
374
00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:44,723
Even worse, as early as 2085,
an entire nation, the Maldives,
375
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,159
will completely disappear
under rising seas.
376
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:49,361
So you're saying that the problem is...
377
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:53,432
Kind of, yeah.
378
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,100
But if we do nothing, Florida goes away?
379
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,070
Fuck it. Alright.
380
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,052
Fascinating stuff.
Thank you very much indeed, Mona.
381
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:05,544
Thank you.
382
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,458
Right, let's get to the heart of the show.
Let's get to the fixes.
383
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:11,550
DL's going to go first
384
00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:14,887
because he's got a carbon footprint
like a fracking Wookie.
385
00:19:15,554 --> 00:19:17,256
Please give it up for DL Hughley!
386
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:26,131
By 2020, the Earth is likely to be
1.5 degrees warmer.
387
00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:29,768
And since we're not going to stop burning
fossil fuels and using plastic bags,
388
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,403
we need a quick fix.
389
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:32,871
And that fix is...
390
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:34,940
to explode a volcano.
391
00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:37,409
Yeah, I know that seems crazy,
392
00:19:37,476 --> 00:19:39,978
but, at one point,
so did having a black president.
393
00:19:41,713 --> 00:19:44,983
In 1991, a volcano in the Philippines
erupted, blocked the sun's rays
394
00:19:45,050 --> 00:19:48,887
and made the Earth one degree cooler,
like a big ass pair of Ray-Bans.
395
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:53,892
So let's find some volcano in the middle
of the ocean far away from civilization
396
00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:55,327
and blow it the F up.
397
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:59,607
Full disclosure, there are going to be
some unfortunate side effects
398
00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:00,666
to a volcano going up,
399
00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:05,938
but here to make them feel not so bad
is an adorable kid scientist.
400
00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:12,878
Side effects include ash clouds,
401
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:16,048
poisoned water, acid rain, volcanic winter
402
00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:18,350
and, finally, mass extinction.
403
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:19,417
The end.
404
00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:22,521
Pay no attention to the kid.
405
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:26,158
Remember that this eruption will solve
global warming and save our planet.
406
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,225
Hit it.
407
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,340
Volcanoes are yay!
408
00:20:41,773 --> 00:20:43,842
Let's hear it
for our adorable child scientist!
409
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:45,310
Thank you very much.
410
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:52,484
Okay. Ron, what do you love
about this idea?
411
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:55,387
There's so many things.
412
00:20:56,421 --> 00:21:00,125
I mean, as a famous scientist once said,
"Volcanoes are yay."
413
00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:01,326
We all know that.
414
00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:06,932
And it's an easy plan.
415
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:10,535
All we really need is a bunch of Mentos
and Coca-Cola apparently.
416
00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:14,506
So this idea is based on real science.
417
00:21:14,573 --> 00:21:16,008
When Krakatoa exploded,
418
00:21:16,074 --> 00:21:19,911
the Earth's temperature cooled
by 2.1 degrees Fahrenheit.
419
00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:22,080
So this is a real thing
that could really work.
420
00:21:22,147 --> 00:21:24,650
The thing I love about it
is you're fighting fire with fire.
421
00:21:24,716 --> 00:21:25,717
Absolutely.
422
00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:27,319
It's an absolutely brilliant plan, DL.
423
00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:29,831
When I first thought
you were going to blow up the Philippines,
424
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:31,023
I was on the fence.
425
00:21:31,089 --> 00:21:33,091
I was like, "Well, I don't know."
426
00:21:33,158 --> 00:21:36,061
But now that I hear it's in the ocean,
great.
427
00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:41,099
Also, I was in a relationship
when a volcano erupted
428
00:21:41,166 --> 00:21:43,535
and some ash made it
so that people couldn't fly.
429
00:21:43,602 --> 00:21:45,880
- Do you remember that?
- I remember that. Yes, in Iceland.
430
00:21:45,904 --> 00:21:47,873
Yes! And my partner got trapped
in Amsterdam
431
00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:50,275
and it was a lovely five days.
432
00:21:51,743 --> 00:21:55,914
It was the break I needed to cool off and
realize I was better without him, so...
433
00:21:57,349 --> 00:21:58,383
There's benefits.
434
00:21:58,784 --> 00:22:01,396
Okay, put your hands together,
ladies and gentlemen, for volcanoes!
435
00:22:05,757 --> 00:22:08,269
Now, Katherine, you've got
a vested interest in environmentalism,
436
00:22:08,293 --> 00:22:11,196
because you've got more plastic in you
than a suffocating sea turtle.
437
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:12,631
Let's hear your team's fix.
438
00:22:12,698 --> 00:22:13,532
Katherine Ryan!
439
00:22:19,404 --> 00:22:21,306
Multiple lines of scientific evidence
440
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:23,709
show that the Earth's temperature
is rising
441
00:22:23,775 --> 00:22:27,679
and that it's extremely likely that human
influence has been the dominant cause.
442
00:22:27,746 --> 00:22:29,815
We can reverse global warming, Jimmy,
443
00:22:29,881 --> 00:22:34,920
and we're going to do it
with a vegan rebrand. Huh?
444
00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:40,459
Greenhouse gas emissions would be reduced
by 70% if we all went vegan tomorrow.
445
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:43,862
But less than 1%
of the world's population are,
446
00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:45,731
because vegans are wankers.
447
00:22:45,797 --> 00:22:50,302
And most of us would rather die
and watch the planet burn than join them.
448
00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:53,605
Vegans are terrible ambassadors
for themselves,
449
00:22:53,672 --> 00:22:56,174
who maliciously parade
their moral superiority
450
00:22:56,241 --> 00:22:58,176
around my Buffalo chicken salad.
451
00:22:59,411 --> 00:23:02,147
"Oh, my God, I'm such a good person."
452
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:06,051
Then why have you posted a baby cow
snuff film to my Facebook feed, Blake?
453
00:23:07,352 --> 00:23:12,791
"Yes, do you know what's actually in milk?
I would never put that in my body."
454
00:23:12,858 --> 00:23:16,795
Cool. Except, right now, I'm watching you
snort cocaine off a stranger's ass.
455
00:23:21,333 --> 00:23:25,504
I wore imitation fur one time and a vegan
named Shandala yelled at me
456
00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:28,206
because she said
I was glorifying real fur.
457
00:23:28,273 --> 00:23:30,442
Well, guess what, Shandala.
458
00:23:30,509 --> 00:23:33,278
I lied. It was real fur the whole time...
459
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:36,481
...you vitamin deficient bitch.
460
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:38,717
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
461
00:23:38,784 --> 00:23:41,253
Vegans are desperate.
They're smelly and annoying.
462
00:23:41,686 --> 00:23:43,755
But they are right.
463
00:23:43,822 --> 00:23:46,491
So we need to help them
make veganism cool.
464
00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:49,494
Here's how my three-step
training program works.
465
00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:51,563
Step one, stop the shame.
466
00:23:51,630 --> 00:23:54,166
I already know meat is delicious murder.
467
00:23:54,232 --> 00:23:55,567
I don't need to see it.
468
00:23:55,634 --> 00:23:59,070
Why not convince me instead
that life without bacon is worth living?
469
00:23:59,538 --> 00:24:01,673
Step two, don't talk about being vegan.
470
00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:05,043
Just be one and, if it looks like you're
nailing it, assume people will follow.
471
00:24:08,647 --> 00:24:12,083
Step three, really don't ever talk
about being vegan.
472
00:24:12,150 --> 00:24:13,185
Don't.
473
00:24:14,352 --> 00:24:18,924
Why waste the little energy that you have
by pestering people?
474
00:24:20,025 --> 00:24:23,395
Think of veganism like Fight Club.
Namaste.
475
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:33,705
So you're reducing greenhouse gases
by encouraging veganism by rebranding.
476
00:24:33,772 --> 00:24:36,041
- That's right.
- Okay, so this could really work.
477
00:24:36,107 --> 00:24:38,853
It would have a massive effect
on the environment if we all went vegan?
478
00:24:38,877 --> 00:24:39,744
Right.
479
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:41,331
I know that vegans act the way they do
480
00:24:41,379 --> 00:24:44,182
because they have a visceral reaction
to the slaughter of animals,
481
00:24:44,249 --> 00:24:45,517
but they need to cool it.
482
00:24:45,584 --> 00:24:47,819
Okay, Sasheer, what do you love
about this idea?
483
00:24:47,886 --> 00:24:49,054
I think it's great.
484
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:51,089
I do think that vegans need to rebrand.
485
00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:53,158
I've lost a lot of friends to veganism.
486
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,095
I mean, our skin will look better.
487
00:24:57,929 --> 00:24:59,331
Our hair will look better.
488
00:24:59,397 --> 00:25:02,033
We'll be healthier and, like, the...
489
00:25:02,367 --> 00:25:03,969
uh, the planet will be fine.
490
00:25:04,035 --> 00:25:05,070
So like...
491
00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:07,038
I want this.
492
00:25:08,139 --> 00:25:10,375
Are you jonesing for a cheeseburger
right now?
493
00:25:10,442 --> 00:25:11,442
Yes!
494
00:25:11,943 --> 00:25:13,011
Yes.
495
00:25:13,078 --> 00:25:15,078
What about you guys?
Do you think it's a good idea?
496
00:25:15,580 --> 00:25:17,883
I do. Because vegans are dicks.
497
00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:20,051
- They pretty much are.
- Yeah.
498
00:25:20,118 --> 00:25:22,879
And there are some fat ass vegans
these days. Have you ever seen them?
499
00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:27,259
You cannot eat a radish and get an ass
that big. That's all I'm saying.
500
00:25:28,126 --> 00:25:31,062
I met a fat vegan
and I thought, "Well done."
501
00:25:33,231 --> 00:25:35,671
What do you think, Ron?
Would you ever consider being a vegan?
502
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:38,069
Oh, I could do anything I set my mind to.
503
00:25:38,136 --> 00:25:40,672
I'm a very strong-willed person.
504
00:25:41,406 --> 00:25:44,242
But if I just wanted to be miserable
and complaining all the time,
505
00:25:44,309 --> 00:25:45,744
I'd just still be married.
506
00:25:47,846 --> 00:25:49,814
Give it up for vegan rebranding!
507
00:25:55,420 --> 00:25:56,955
Right, so Katherine and Sasheer
508
00:25:57,022 --> 00:25:59,524
are proposing
we make veganism easier to swallow
509
00:25:59,591 --> 00:26:02,260
and DL and Ron are suggesting
we blow shit up.
510
00:26:02,661 --> 00:26:04,596
On The Fix, we're a democracy,
511
00:26:04,663 --> 00:26:07,842
so our studio audience will be deciding
which of these fixes to put into practice.
512
00:26:07,866 --> 00:26:10,669
Okay, audience,
vote for your favorite fix now.
513
00:26:11,536 --> 00:26:15,340
And remember, the future of mankind
is at stake, so take this seriously.
514
00:26:18,209 --> 00:26:21,746
The votes are in and, with 60% of
the votes, the winner is Katherine Ryan!
515
00:26:21,813 --> 00:26:23,381
Yeah!
516
00:26:23,448 --> 00:26:25,750
- We're all going vegan.
- Well done. We did it.
517
00:26:25,817 --> 00:26:28,019
So that's that.
Global warming is fixed.
518
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:33,158
Thanks to Katherine Ryan, Sasheer Zamata,
DL Hughley and Ron Funches,
519
00:26:33,224 --> 00:26:36,194
our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio
520
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:37,662
and to all of you for watching.
521
00:26:37,729 --> 00:26:39,598
We'll be solving
more of the world's problems
522
00:26:39,664 --> 00:26:43,368
in five, four, three, two, one...
522
00:26:44,305 --> 00:26:50,192
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