Original subtitles

This is so exciting.

I can't believe we get to see

Superman and The Flash race around the world.

[EXCITED GRUNT] I know. I've been here since 4:00 in the morning.

This is gonna be one of the greatest rematches of all time.

We're talking Ali/Frazier,

or that time David Blaine outlasted Aquaman in a bathtub.

Do you really think The Flash is going to stop to hydrate?

He might.

Oh, my shoelace.

- [WHOOSHES] - [LAUGHTER]

That was awesome!

No!

"Thanks for the H2O, The Flash"!

[GASPS] You da man, The Flash!

- Whoo! - [HEROIC MUSIC]

♪

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

[CHEERY BASS MUSIC]

Jackie, did you confirm my reservation for brunch?

Ooh, does my nose deceive me?

Or is that an en [SNIFFS]... chanting new scent I smell?

- Who's the lucky lady? - Bruce Wayne.

My cousin has finally found some time in his schedule.

No more cancellations.

Uh, Jackie, tell the restaurant to make sure that

the Mariachi band brings an extra guitar for me.

And if it is not tuned, so help me, God...

Don't worry. I'm sure that Bruce Wayne is just as nervous as you are.

I'm not nervous. [SPITS]

Bad news, Teddy. Corporate called,

and they want you to redo those sketches

on the home security line.

[GROANS] Ah, those sketches were perfect.

You know what, if I had your job,

I would tell Corporate to kiss my ass,

and if Van were here, I'd tell him to kiss my ass too.

I am here.

Looking forward to getting to work on those sketches, sir.

- Oh! - Just so you know,

I'm taking a two-hour lunch break.

I would love to say yes, but that's against the rules.

But it's an emergency!

There are some kids in the park doing 'shrooms,

and I wanna dress in old-timey clothes

and pretend I'm a time traveler to freak 'em out.

Yeah, that's not an emergency.

[LAUGHS] Um, obviously, you have never seen a guy on 'shrooms

attack a convenience store because Joan of Arc told him to.

Fine, take an extra half hour.

[GASPS] Oh, I am eternally indebted to you, my lady.

As long as I work here, I will never get her.

Do you want to?

Tighter, Dorothy!

Tighter!

Come on! [GRUNTS]

Oh, no, no, it's, uh, it's okay.

No, no, you know what? I didn't even

remember that we had plans, you know?

Bruce... yeah... okay, he hung up.

Um, you know, cancel the reservation.

Oh, honey, I never made it.

- [FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR SPEAKS] - Uh, you guys?

Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist

and girlfriend of Superman Lois Lane

- has been killed. - Awesome!

We'll have more as details come in.

Let me show you something.

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

Crackpot scientists and conspiracy theorists

both agree that Lois Lane has died before,

but Superman flew around the world so fast

that he turned back time to save her.

Pretty sure the science doesn't check out on that.

Oh, I'm gonna thank you in advance for saying that.

Oh, yes, the science totally checks out.

If a man could fly fast enough around the Earth,

he would reverse its rotation,

and time would rewind, like an old videotape.

And you know what this means?

Anything we do from now

until Superman turns back time doesn't matter!

There's no consequences!

[GIGGLES]

[GROANS]

Ooh... [CHUCKLES]... okay.

Sorry, Steve, just trying to prove a point.

Of course. Just happy to be included.

[GROANS]

This is nuts. Why should we believe that guy?

This just in.

Noble Prize-winning astrophysicist

Stephen Hawking has used his motorized wheelchair

to push Neil deGrasse Tyson into traffic.

Witnesses claim that just before the senseless murder,

Hawking said,

"Die... you... hack."

- It's No Consequence day! - Mm-hmm.

- [GASPS] - [GRUNTS]

[LAUGHTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

All right, get it over with.

♪

Oh!

♪

Hi, Charm City Zoo? How much to buy a lion?

Oh, I'm not a zoo myself. [CHUCKLES]

You don't need to know what I'm gonna do with it!

Ron, I'm Postmating some foie graviar.

It's where they force-feed a goose caviar.

You want me to get a second tub for ya?

Oh, sorry, buddy, but I'm on my way out.

You know I've always wanted to own a pug,

but I never been able to pull the trigger.

But today, caution to the wind.

- I'm getting a pug. - [CHUCKLES] Suit yourself.

All right, Van, I'm drinking the $900 Scotch in your office.

It does pair well with the foie graviar.

You know, the point of this day is lost on me.

I already act on every impulse,

no matter how childish or wanton it might be.

Oh, that reminds me.

That painting that you commissioned

with your head on Jason Momoa's body?

- It's here. - Oh, goodie!

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

See? I want for nothing.

You still can't get Bruce Wayne to have lunch with you.

- [FLOWERPOT SHATTERS] - You're right,

and that is all that I want.

I'm gonna make Bruce Wayne pay for this.

Ah! And not in the way

that Waynes usually pay for things, with money and jewels.

No, in a more threatening kind of revenge way.

Jackie, ideas?

- Go [BLEEP] yourself. - What?

I'm doing nothing today.

I'm going to sit and relax and not lift a finger for my kid

or any of you other monsters.

Fine, I'll do this myself.

Ooh, and what's Ms. Moral Compass gonna do today?

Return a library book a day late?

[GASPS] Buy a full-priced item at Anthropologie.

Well, I'd really like to get front-row seats

to that European alt-circus, but it's $1,000, and...

Oh, my God, you're killing me.

You know what I am going to do while I figure it out?

Eat a whole chocolate muffin by myself.

[DYNAMIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

Do I wanna watch her die?

No. She'd be so squeaky.

Huh...

- Excuse me? - Uh-huh?

Are you in charge here?

I don't know. Do I look like an idiot?

[LAUGHS]

Hmm.

Mmm?

Uh, subtle note of graphite.

I'm sorry, I was looking for Van.

Oh, Van's gone.

Wait, you're from Corporate, right?

I am.

I'm glad you're here, because you can kiss my ass.

Excuse me? Who are you talking...

- Shut up. - Okay.

Why would people want a separate mobile device

to check their home security cameras

when they already have a phone, dummy?

That's why we sent you a design for an app.

You're absolutely right.

I wanted to tell my boss the same thing,

but, I'm afraid of candor.

Hey, how'd you like to come to this meeting we're having

and, um, tell him for me?

Uh, why not?

I like you. [CHUCKLES]

You're gonna do great. Come on.

Mmm... [GAGS]

All graphite.

I'll have a chocolate muffin with all the gluten,

and, uh, you know, what the hell.

I will have a small... no, grande latte with whole milk.

- Okay. - Yeah, you heard me.

Ugh, you are bumming me out.

Here. Here's $1,000.

Go see your creepy Euro circus.

Oh, my God.

Wendy, where did you get all this money?

[WHISPERS] Did you steal it?

Yeah, I stole it from my drug dealer...

- [SIGHS] - But not before I bought this.

Wendy, we are in public.

[CHUCKLES] It doesn't matter today, remember?

Or are you such a square, you've never passed a dutchie?

Oh... [SCOFFS]... no,

I have gotten so high on marijuana.

It would just kill the buzz, you know,

to do it with all these nerds watching.

Mm-hmm.

[CHEERY MUSIC]

You know what, fine,

I will take a little hit of this...

Are you seriously smoking marijuana in broad daylight?

[TENSE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

And you just threw it at a bunch of kids.

You're definitely under arrest.

Well, I went to the pet store, but I just couldn't choose,

and countless Disney films have taught me

it is wrong to break up a family.

So...

I got all the pugs! [GIGGLES]

Ooh! Come here, guys.

Come to me.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, let me introduce you to the squad.

We got Elvis Pugsley, Frederick Puglass,

Bone Pugs-N-Harmony, and of course,

Ron Jr.

[GIGGLES]

[GASPS] Ooh! Jackie, will you get Ron Jr.?

[SIGHS] This is my day, Ron.

I've decided not to toilet-paper Bruce Wayne's house.

It's beneath me.

You couldn't figure out where to buy toilet paper.

And they laughed at me when I asked!

I just need to find another way to humiliate Bruce.

- Ron... - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

I'm going to need those puppies.

You're not gonna make a coat out of them, are you?

Please, those aren't coat-quality puppies.

How dare you!

[IMITATES SCOOPING] Mmm.

Which brings me to the biggest problem with this company,

you dildos.

- Mmm, what's your division? - Investor Relations.

- Useless. You? - Community Outreach.

Garbage words.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

Every time I make a product,

it has to be approved by 14 different divisions.

By the time it finally comes out, it's obsolete.

Why are we letting some low-level...

- I have a question. - Yes?

Where has Van been hiding you?

♪

Uh, excuse me, Officer?

Hi, I am so sorry.

We... I have never been in trouble before.

But Lois Lane died,

and Superman's going to rewind time.

Yeah.

So are we free to leave? [LAUGHS]

- Don't worry, I got this. - [SIGHS]

Hey, Officer, I think we can clear this all up

if we just step into that closet over there.

- Huh? - [BARS SLAMMING]

I wasn't gonna do you or anything.

I was just gonna bribe you with this $1,000!

- Just stop. - [GRUNTS]

This is what I get for hanging out with you.

[SIGHS] I am so sick of you judging me all the time.

"Wendy's weird. Wendy's a freak.

Wendy wears sweaters

that I could only dream of pulling off."

I'm not judging you.

What you do is objectively weird.

I've seen you comb your hair with a handful of forks.

Yeah?

I mean, you just tried to bribe a cop with stolen money.

You don't know me.

And I did not steal that money. I'm rich.

My family owns Puanteur Cosmetics.

They operate the largest facility

for testing cosmetics on chimpanzees in the world.

Wasn't that just named "Forbes'

Most Cartoonishly Evil Company of 2016"?

Mm-hmm, and that was before

they got into fracking and ivory.

Oh.

I haven't spoken to them in eight years.

I wish I could say it was because they're evil,

but really, it's because they always thought

they were better than me, just like you.

[SIGHS] I do not...

Okay, maybe I do.

Look, I'm really sorry.

And you're right.

I could never pull off that sweater.

And I never realized that about your family.

I'm even distantly related to Van.

I think that's why I find him so attractive.

[WHISPERS] Our secret.

Oh.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Just put it by the window, boys. [LAUGHS]

I don't understand why Emily's so stressed all the time.

Being the boss is easy.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Teddy.

- I'm his new secretary. - That is I.

- Hello. - [DOG WHINES]

Oh, I was just thinking the same thing, Ron Jr.

Since when does Teddy have a secretary?

Jackie, I need you to mail

this box of doggy doo-doo to Bruce Wayne.

Go [BLEEP] yourself.

Fine, just tell me where the square stickers are.

[SIGHS] They're called stamps, Van.

Yeah, um...

Siri, where are stamps?

Van, even if you send Bruce dog poo,

his butler is gonna open it before he even sees it.

The only way that you're gonna get satisfaction

is by calling him and telling him off.

You're right.

Well, I finally figured out how to tell you guys apart.

Wait a minute.

Ron Jr., why are you wearing Elvis Pugsley's shirt?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, you're a prankster.

Wait, you went to camp at Lake Winniehaha?

I was at the rich camp, Camp Oso de Oro.

And we would shoot crossbows at you.

- Oh, my God, that was you? - [LAUGHS] Yeah.

You guys were cool.

I remember being so jealous,

because it seemed like you did whatever you wanted.

Well, you could have too.

Yeah, but it always seemed like there'd be c...

consequences.

That's it.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That we kill ourselves to see what the afterlife is all about

before time goes back?

I was thinking we break out of here.

Oh, well, let's start with that,

and play it by ear.

Oh, boo-hoo. "My parents were murdered,

and now I can't make meaningful connections

with my family members." You know something?

You are arrogant, and you're a D-bag!

- No. - No, you...

Tell him what he means to you.

Yeah, you freakin' rule, man!

You do. I mean, you crush models,

and you drive really cool cars.

I've always looked up to you ever since I was little.

You know, I don't even think of you like a cousin.

I think of you as a cuz-bro.

You my cuz-bro.

I worship you,

and you treat me like I don't even exist!

So go [BLEEP] yourself, you...

I did it!

Hurry, my friend is gonna throw up from all the drugs.

- [MOANING] - Please don't.

Ladies' room is down the hall to the left.

We're breaking out of this joint!

- [LAUGHS] - We know where you live.

Not after today, you won't!

[LAUGHS]

Ooh! I'm stealing your donuts!

It's not a stereotype if it's true!

A shocking development.

We now go live to Lois Lane's funeral.

Wait, why is Superman at the funeral?

No, no, no, no, no,

he's supposed to be turning back time.

Superman appears to have brought a date.

The Man of Steel's eyes are suspiciously dry,

as they lower Lois Lane's casket into the ground.

You guys are in big trouble.

He's not turning back time? Why did I listen to you people?

Of course he's not going back to save

his career woman girlfriend.

She's probably become too harsh,

because of having ideas and her own money.

Do you understand what this means?

- I chewed out Bruce Wayne! - [DING]

- This is too many pugs! - [DING]

- I'm driving carpool. - [DING]

I'm the boss! [LAUGHS]

[DING]

- I am so ashamed. - And you should be, young lady.

All I wanted was one day to myself,

but instead, I had to bail you two out of jail.

Bruce didn't hear any of that, right?

I'll tell him that I was on a prank show

called "Go [BLEEP] Yourself."

That's it. Jackie, make that show.

All right, you gotta do it now.

Everything is real!

Everything is real.

And where do we think we're going?

My office.

What the hell?

I'm sorry, but that's Teddy Ramanujan's office.

Oh, my God, it's already starting.

That's his last name?

Well, I've got Bone-N-Pugs,

but Harmony's nowhere to be found.

[SHUSHES] How does Emily do this?

This is the third conference call I've been on today.

[LAUGHS] I'd like to start the call off

by not thanking you for these BS reports.

Hey, Teddy, super excited to have you dig in.

Holy crap.

That's all for Corporate restructuring?

Oh, no, that's Emily Locke's normal workload.

- The new work's coming later. - [CHUCKLES]

Wait, why am I doing Emily's work?

You told us that your department sucked,

and that she could kiss your ass?

Since you're so candid, you'll take care of firing her, right?

♪

Oh, there you are, Harmony!

Oh, no, I've lost Bone-N-Pugs.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

It's been two hours. I've heard nothing.

Maybe he wasn't even listening to me.

I don't listen to me beneath me when they say stuff.

You know what, I'm just never gonna answer my phone again.

That way he can't get to me!

[GIGGLES] Done!

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

Van Wayne, Bruce Wayne would like to see you in Gotham.

- Oh... - Face time with the big guy.

[CHUCKLES]

This is what you've always wanted.

Okay.

I'm, uh, coming!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I can't vote, I can't serve on a jury.

[SIGHS] I'll never be elected PTA President

when I have a child, if a man will even have me.

What the hell are you doing?

Getting blasted at work, because who cares?

Okay, that's ginger beer. It's non-alcoholic.

There's still a lot of sugar in it, though.

First of all, you are a petite

Caucasian-enough woman with no priors.

You'd be fine, but I fixed it.

You don't have a criminal record anymore.

- Happy now? - Wait, how?

I called my fancy family.

They pulled some strings and made the charges disappear.

You called your family that you hate for me?

Well, you were so upset,

and it seemed like we were almost friends,

which I didn't totally hate,

and I guess I'm sorry.

No, I'm the one who should be sorry.

The truth is...

I'm really glad we got to have an adventure together.

[WHOOSHING]

- What was that? - Amazing news.

The Superman who came to Lois Lane's funeral

was a shape-shifter.

The real Man of Steel just escaped

from a secret prison in Bialya made of kryptonite.

You know, for a rare mineral

that comes from a long-destroyed planet,

people sure do find a lot of that stuff.

- Hmm. - Emily.

I was gonna fire you, but I can't.

I never realized how hard your job was.

I am never ever going to complain again.

- [CHUCKLES] - [WHOOSHING]

- Was that Superman? - Oh, no, my babies!

Remember my face, Ron Jr.

Hey! Hey, everybody!

[CHUCKLES] Bruce Wayne was not upset with me.

In fact, he was impressed that I stood up to him.

He said he didn't know I had a backbone.

- But you don't. - Hmm.

Yeah, but he doesn't know that.

And from now on, I will, because Bruce likes it.

But that isn't even the most impressive part.

I was wandering around, lost in Wayne Manor.

I was looking for a bathroom. I found myself in this library.

You know how much books make me angry.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

So I knocked over this bust,

and you will never believe what I found.

The Batcave.

I found The Batcave.

Bruce Wayne is Batman!

ALL: What?

[MUG SHATTERS]

[WHOOSHING]

[AUDIO REWINDS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪

[STIRRING MUSIC]

♪

[GROANS] Ah, those sketches were perfect.

If I had your job,

I would tell Corporate to kiss my ass,

and if Van were here, I'd tell him to kiss my ass too.

I am here.

Looking forward to getting to work on those sketches, sir.

Just so you know, I'm taking a two-hour lunch break.

I would love to say yes, but...

Yes.

- Yes? - Why don't I come with you?

We never get a chance to hang out together.

Um, okay,

but I'm gonna go scare drugged-up teens in the park.

That sounds fun.

Who are you?

I'm not sure, but let's go.

Jackie, tell Van we're taking a long lunch.

Oh, yeah, because I live to serve.

You know what, I didn't even remember

that we had plans, Bruce. Yeah?

Oh, okay, he hung up.

Jackie, cancel the reservation.

Oh, honey, I never made it.

Did Emily just go somewhere with Wendy willingly?

Weird, right?

- [PUG BARKING] - [LAUGHS]

Where'd you come from, little buddy?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, you're so cute.

[CHUCKLES]

Ron Jr.?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[PUG WHIMPERS]

Ha, that's funny.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -