Original subtitles

Previously, on "Happy!"... It's Hailey's birthday!

♪ Happy birthday to...

- Hailey! - Happy birthday.

- How did you know? - That's what friends are for.

You want me to kill you?

It's not me, Pink. It's someone else.

Orcus.

Hey, hot stuff.

You're cheating on me.

Come on!

- You forgot my birthday, Mom! - Something I can't remember,

something I can't understand.

I know what I have to do now.

I'm here to see Sonny Shine.

He's got blackmail on everyone.

It's on videotape.

The real stuff's got to be at Shine Tower,

so that is where we're gonna go.

I run the third-largest network in the nation.

This is my stage, Sonny!

I killed it.

Whatever it was that came out of that thing,

I put it in a jelly jar. I stuck it in the fridge.

- Holy shit. - Nick, where are you?

Some dad.

He forgot his daughter's birthday.

And I'm, uh, going right there and I'm gonna

get her the stuffed, uh... What do you call it?

The Wishees.

Fuck.

My ass!

Sax?

Two Sockatoos, one bullet...

5.6 seconds.

The bullet leaves Merry McCarthy's Glock 25

at 1:34 p.m. at a velocity of 1,200 feet per second.

It penetrates the Wishee costume,

then makes a sharp,

nigh impossible change of direction,

continuing at an angle of 27 diagonal degrees

through Sax's grassy knoll,

barely grazing his two pimpled flesh mounds.

Defying all laws of gravity, probability, and decency,

the bullet then bursts free of the dark canyon,

narrowly avoiding the all-too-tempting target

of Sax's sweet...

That's some bullet.

How the hell did you get this thing out of there?

Like shoving a cat in a mason jar, Mer.

I don't know.

Dipshit Dan just might be on to something.

Maybe this thing is from another planet.

Doug's dead. Sonny killed him.

Yeah, Doug, right, not Dan.

Sorry.

What the hell were you doing at Shine Tower anyway?

Yeah, the million-dollar question, Mer.

I got no idea.

Last thing I remember...

I was in your kitchen eating a PB&J.

Oh, that wasn't "J." You ate its blood.

I know what you're thinking.

No, you don't.

- Go on. - What?

- Say it. - No.

The blood brought you back to its host.

I think you know how full-batshit you sound.

Sure do, and yet...

And yet...

- Oh, hey. - What?

- Found another tape. - Oh, no more sex tape shit.

- It's Kap Gostynski. - Mm.

He's the head of the network, Sax.

Exactly, who gives a shit?

Don't you know what that means?

We're gonna hit Sonny where he's soft.

No, we're not.

What we are gonna do is cut this thing open

and see what's inside him.

Now use your legs, not your back,

count of three.

One, two...

Did you use your legs?

One, two, three.

Seriously, what the fuck is it?

Well, according to Dayglo Doug,

sometime in the Etruscan Age...

- That's not funny. - Well, look, Mer,

I know this may be hard to believe, but I, too,

have had occasion to question my sanity as of late.

Oh, I believe it.

Well, you know, alls I'm saying is that

your best bet is just roll with it.

You know, don't overthink it.

Thinking, actually, is bad.

Let go of me!

I want to see Sonny Shine!

Tell him it's Amanda Hansen!

You have no right to keep me in here.

Miss Hansen.

You're back. I want answers, Shine.

You want answers.

I want answers!

Someone stole something from my building.

Two not-as-yet-but-soon-to-be identified individuals

broke in and made off with something very,

very precious to me.

The violation of it all, Miss Hansen...

The violation...

But I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.

I'm sure your being here

is a complete coincidence.

You're covered in blood.

I met up with an old friend. Things got crazy.

I don't have time for this.

I have a show to prepare for.

I'll keep this simple. Why are you here?

That night...

That night in your tower,

something happened to me.

Now you are gonna tell me what you did to me or...

Shh.

Yes?

Yes, yes.

No, no.

Color me gobsmacked.

You are special.

I know what's missing in your life.

And shame on them for being such

super secret keepers!

Miss Hansen, you're with child.

What?

Listen, sister, I'm with you.

I... my hard drive's whirling away.

Oh, you're a woman,

and you've got a lot of nonsensical emotions,

um, brewing up in you right now.

Let go of me!

I know what you need.

This will fill that void you're feeling inside.

Come back when you need more.

You sure can do some cool stuff with your tongue.

Friend showed me,

and you don't know the half of it.

My friend Hailey showed me how to do this...

Oh, wow.

We used to do everything together...

The carousel, flying kites by the pier.

Uh-huh.

Last year on her birthday, we made paper lanterns

with, like, all the colors.

She was so happy.

But this year I forgot her birthday.

That look on her face, she... She's just changed so much.

For shit's sake!

Hailey, Hailey, Hailey!

Is that all you can talk about?

- Uh, what? - She's not thinking about you.

Why are you thinking about her?

"Friends." Ha, what a scam.

We exist for them, and then they just forget.

What kind of a friend is that?

Hmm, c'est la vie, am I right?

I think so?

Let's get out of here,

do something crazy.

Isn't this crazy?

Sure, but I'm talking about...

That's what she said.

So where do you want to start?

Give me an asshole, a mouth, or something.

Get my bearings.

Try the middle?

Third weirdest thing I've seen all day.

Did you see where it went?

That truck hit me, all I saw was stars

and little birds spinning around.

Tweet, tweet. Tweet, tweet.

Le Dic, what the fuck are you doing here?

I'm doing you one, big, hard solid...

Though I don't know why I should.

Someone wants you dead. Oh, shocker.

Who is it this time?

The Bug.

What'd he say?

He tempted me with all my vices rolled into one.

Ladies, liquor, and luck.

He baited that hook

with the finest Cajun country pie

you've ever almost tasted...

By pie, I mean pussy.

Yep.

This Bug gets me all drugged up,

says he's looking for a taxi driver.

Someone's been getting up in his business,

robbed his house, busted up one of his operations,

and he wants a name,

and he just knows I can give it to him.

So I play it cool, right?

But he looks at you with those big, round bug eyes...

Shiny like an oil slick, and I'm smart.

I say, "I tell you a name, I'm as good as dead."

"So I'll do one better,

and I'll bring him straight to you."

I'm touched, Le Dic, really.

I ain't criss-crossing you, Sax.

That is why I'm here. Yeah, right.

Honor amongst scumbags? Exactly.

This Bug... he ain't one of us.

To tell you the truth, well, this ain't the first time

that I seen him.

I used to be into some weird sexual shit.

I ain't too proud to admit it...

Role-play, getting beat up, whipped,

wolf bag, scatty pants...

Jesus Christ. Get to the point.

I moved through dark circles...

Nasty, pervy...

Till one night, I end up at this high-roller's orgy,

latex lovers dressed like animals.

I don't remember what happened, but I remember that Bug.

And he was right there in the middle of all of it.

Whatever happened there, well...

it made me do caca in my Hanes.

I never wanted to go back there after that.

- And yet... - Six, seven times tops.

Okay, where was this orgy?

That's the crazy part.

Shine Tower,

you know, that kiddy clown on TV.

Yeah, well...

roll this up and smoke it, Sax.

A little bird told me another one

of those nasty parties is going off,

and I mean tonight.

Look, we need... oh.

Uh, hey.

Nick, I'm gonna need you to take Hailey today.

- Uh, now's not a good time... - Don't you dare.

Don't you dare finish that sentence, Nicholas.

Don't you dare!

Uh, yeah, I got to take care of something.

Really? Now?

You, I want in to Pervapalooza.

Can do.

But you're gonna need a costume.

Warden.

Goddamn Wolfpack.

You can stand.

Won't be long.

Not a hockey fan?

Calcio Storico.

600 years old.

They still play it once a year.

Piazza Santa Croce.

That's in Florence.

Florence, Italy.

Now, if you were to turn up with your stick,

and your pads, and your helmet...

they'd shove them all up your ass

and you'd buy them a pint afterwards.

Makes your hockey seem rather like foxy boxing,

which I do happen to hold in high regard...

Foxy boxing, that is,

not hockey.

Let's talk about, uh, this whole...

Kumbaya thing you got going on.

"Kumbaya"?

I see what's going on out there...

Aryan Brotherhood, Black Gangster Disciples,

and Nuestra Familia all getting along together

like a Waldorf salad.

There hasn't been a violent incident

or a disciplinary infraction

of any kind in over 72 hours.

- That's lovely. - That's not lovely.

That's fucking unacceptable,

because if the gangs aren't fighting each other,

they're fighting the guards, they're fighting me,

and I have to keep the peace.

And, uh...

Ooh.

Keeping the peace can hurt.

You get me?

- I think I do. - I like to hear that.

I like that you and I

can be on the level.

It stops,

or you are gonna spend the rest of your days

with that hockey stick shoved up your ass,

and we won't be grabbing any pints,

you and me.

Understand?

I'm gonna need you to say

you understand.

Perfectly.

This is your place?

I, you know, crash here with my friend.

The infamous Hailey.

No, not... not Hailey, Nick.

Excusez-moi?

It... it's complicated.

I'm complicated. Try me.

Well, I haven't told anybody this,

but I got a new friend, Nick.

He's Hailey's dad.

She stopped believing and he needed me,

so I'm Nick's friend now.

You're telling me you jumped friends?

Sweetie, I know you're going through a hard time,

but what you're saying is shiznuts.

Your friend's your friend.

When your friend stops believing, you disappear.

We don't change friends.

I mean, if we could do that, are we even imaginary?

Oh, I'm imaginary, all right.

I'm an imaginary lemon.

I can't help anybody.

Okay, Happy?

You're killing my buzz.

What happened to that badass bucking bronco

who rallied the troops and took down.

Psycho Santa Claus?

I... I did do that, didn't I?

Hell yeah, you did.

When you said "pick on someone your own size,"

you could have wrung out my panties with a mop bucket.

It's time to forget about your friends...

All of them... Before they forget about you.

So, you ever done it before?

- "It"? - Yeah.

You know, it...

- With a girl. - Oh!

It.

Yeah, it.

Totally. Oh, tons of times.

I'm really good at it.

Oh, boy.

Don't worry, Happy, I got this.

♪ Happy birthday...

Um, so I, um...

I... I kinda got held up.

Huh?

But, um...

I know what day it was.

- It's okay. - No, it's not.

You know, I... 'cause I meant to...

with the balloons...

eating, uh, the sugary...

with the clowns holding farm animals,

little favor things.

Are you trying to describe a birthday party?

Yeah, the point... The point is, um...

It... it was our first birthday,

you know, as father-daughter, and, um...

It was important.

I'm sorry.

24 hour rule.

We can do something today.

- You can't. - No, I'd love to.

I'd love to.

I... I... there's just this thing that I got to...

- Birthday! - Oh, thank Christ.

- Where you going? - Bathroom.

You need help?

- No way! - Yes way!

Hooray! ALL: Birthday!

Trouble getting it up?

I am so happy right now.

No, really, I was afraid that you was dead.

I mean, getting shot in the face

is not exactly a night out at Studio 54...

Not to mention the ever-present risk

of a catheter infection.

For a guy like you,

the possibilities are endless.

And then...

I wouldn't be able... To kill me yourself, yes.

- Yeah. - Very sweet...

As sweet as that ripe, red little cherry.

How's life since I took yours?

I'm walking a bit more like John Wayne because of you,

but, eh, I've been worse.

Yourself?

Whoa!

Yeah, life has been, um, interesting

since our last tango.

All right, you're already boring me.

Maybe you're feeling suicidal coming here.

Maybe you think that I don't dare fuck you up

in the middle of Greaser Gary's Shit and Biscuit Roadhouse.

Either way, this...

is not gonna end well for you.

Don't cause a scene, Sax.

Think of all the children...

Especially yours.

The only thing I'm thinking about now

is how I'm gonna rip out your piss tube

and shove it into your good eye until I hit brain.

It's fascinating.

When we first met, you had nothing to lose,

nothing to live for but that next drink,

next blackout.

It gave you a kind of invulnerability.

But now...

don't you see?

Daddy can't be naughty.

Imagine she comes out of the bathroom

and sees papa dragged off to prison.

And just when you came back into her life.

She's a complicated little thing, that Hailey.

Say her name again.

I am so glad that she and I had the chance

to get to know each other over the holidays.

I know you think you're a real sick fuck,

but trust me.

You're a goddamn amateur compared to what goes on

on top of this skull right here.

Now, you're not half capable of understanding

what the fuck I would do to you if you ever touched that child.

Don't insult me.

I can assure you I have no intention

of touching your daughter.

What I have in mind for you

is on a completely different level of fuckery.

You truly have no idea.

It almost makes me feel...

well, no.

But she has been in there a long time, hasn't she?

I hope she's okay.

Make a wish.

Oh, my God, Dad!

Washing your hands, that's good.

There are a lot of germs everywhere.

I'll let you finish up.

Grab your shit. We're going to Grandma's.

Grandma's dead.

Not that grandma.

Slave to love.

Oh!

I bought three boxes of Samoas from you last week,

Now what, are you crooks trying to rob my pension?

Mom, Ma, it's me.

Nicky.

Drawing a blank.

Don't you recognize your own kid?

She don't look nothing like me.

Not her, me.

Nicky, I'm busting your balls.

I'm fuckin' with you. Come on in.

You look like shit, by the way.

Entrez-vous, kids.

Um...

Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a while.

Time flies when we're dodging familial responsibilities.

- Who wants a drink? - Eh, no.

I'm... I'm dry-ish.

One bullshit. How about you?

Now, Ma, come on.

What? Virgin.

It's not. No booze for the kid!

It's called manners, you ape.

Whatever floats your boat.

Oh, I'm just glad you got back in time.

I got the cancer.

The big "C".

Doctors give me 15, 20 good years left.

Ah, Christ, Ma.

It's already left a mark.

I'm sorry.

Well,

not as much as he is, kiddo.

Right here.

Right here's where the milky magic used to happen.

Why are we sharing this?

It's called conversation, you orangutan.

All right, brass tacks now.

Who's my competition?

Uh, Janet, this is, uh...

This is your granddaughter, Hailey.

And she has a name.

Oh, and by the looks of things, she's had it for what?

Nine, ten years?

11, just.

Oh, belated.

All right, look... All right, I know it's been

a long time, and... and I know

I should have told you about the kid.

- And the kid about her. - I was gonna get to it!

You know, we had a lot to cover!

But we're here now, right, all together.

And I just thought maybe it'd be a good time

for yous to get to know each other, right?

Bonding time. "Bonding time"?

- Bonding time. - "Bonding."

I'll bond you with the back of my hand,

you bed-wetting bastard!

- Now out with it! - Stay here.

As I'm sure you're aware, I got a, um,

tendency to attract negative energy to me...

Nothing I can't handle... But with the kid...

You know, if Hailey's close to me, then she ain't safe.

You know?

She needs her Grandma Sax.

- "Grandma"? - Okay, Janet.

But I just need someone I can trust who can...

All right, don't get your tighties in a tizzy.

I've been taking care of things

since before your butthole turned brown.

I'll take care of her now.

I'll watch the kid.

Let me guess. You got to go.

There's only one thing I want,

and that's for you to be safe.

And that's why I got to do what I got to do.

Sure. Go.

You're gonna be okay here. You know that, right?

I'm gonna come back for you.

Yep.

Okay.

Try to keep her away from the goddamn moonshine.

I mean, that shit will just knock a horse on its ass.

You just need to relax.

Okay...

Those come off?

They're not the only things that can come off.

♪ Uh, touch me

♪ I wanna feel your body

♪ Ooh

Touch me.

'Cause I want your body.

♪ All the time

Well, that's something I've never seen before.

Do you think it'll taste like bananas now?

I don't know.

Haven't you ever tasted your own horn before?

Well, I'm not really built that way.

Plus, if I could,

I don't think I'd ever leave the house.

I love bananas.

All right, enough talk.

Here it comes.

Here comes the fun.

♪ Touch me

Are you ready?

So then he grabbed the gun and shot Santa Claus

right between the eyes.

And that's how I met my dad.

Much better story than how I met my dad.

How?

At his funeral.

I, uh... ah, there you are.

Ah, bless you, child.

- Is this my dad? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, eighth grade.

That picture speaks a thousand words,

most of them not for publication.

Nicky was the soft one... Runt of the litter.

Everyone thought he was special,

so much so we thought about taking him out to the woods

and just setting him free.

I'm joking.

Honey, freshen.

So, you are a Sax, hmm?

From Saxi, in the Nordic.

That's Scandinavian.

In fact, that's where we get the Sax family crest...

Two gnomes crossing their itty bitty daggers

beneath a flag that reads...

"Size don't matter."

You know, us Sax's, sometimes,

we get the short end of the stick.

But we fight back, always.

And so what about you, child?

Any fight in you?

When I have to, but it's hard when you're little.

That's when you fight dirty.

That's the first thing I taught your father.

The bigger they are,

the more it hurts below the belt.

Tricky Dick Nixon, that is a good cocktail, child.

Don't touch.

Good afternoon. I'm Julie.

May I call you Amanda?

Your blood pressure's great. Your weight's great.

Your temp is 98.6 on the dot.

- Any pain? - Nope.

- Spotting? - Nope.

How about change in mood? Any depression?

I don't want to talk about it, Julie.

Aww, well, a little bit of moodiness is to be expected

with the change in hormones.

- You're saying... - The test came back positive.

That's not possible.

Oh, some of life's greatest blessings aren't planned.

What are my options?

You can see the child to term

and then choose to either keep him or her,

or you can give them up for adoption.

And my third option?

Oh, you mean murder?

I'm sorry?

You are going to have a beautiful child of God,

and hopefully he or she looks just like you.

So beautiful. I'm not having it.

I think it's wise that you understand the facts.

Cervical cancer spikes post-abortion.

You have an 87% chance of becoming sterile,

and often, we are unable to remove all the baby's limbs

and digits from the womb.

What?

They kind of just float around...

causing all sorts of medical issues,

as you can imagine.

What the hell kind of women's health clinic is this?

The kind that can save your soul.

Okay.

You have an 11-year-old daughter?

How would she feel about

you killing her little brother or sister?

Fuck you, Julie.

Holy shit.

You need to work on your aim!

- What? - Smoothie!

He's alive... one eye down,

but still with the same sparkling personality.

What is... what is that?

- Sax... - You knew.

You knew? I saw him at Shine Tower.

You know, when we were... I don't think he realized it was me.

I was gonna tell you...

I'm gonna tear your head off right now.

Yeah, tough guy? What's stopping you?

"You were right" is what's stopping me.

We should have gone after this son of a bitch

a long time ago.

The Kap tape... You have to see this.

Oh, this?

Hell, Sax!

We could flip him. We can get him to testify.

You get your revenge. I get my badge back.

Oh, shove your badge up your vadge.

They're all in this together.

I should have seen it.

I take out Shine, and from him, I get to Smoothie.

If Le Dic can get me anywhere near that sequined clown,

then we take him out.

We finish this... my way.

I know what you're feeling right now...

- Do you? - But you have to take

a step back and take a breath.

You could be walking into a trap.

Mer, you invited me into this pool.

Well, here the fuck I am, weenie bikini and all.

Where are you? Not in that pool.

The one thing I've learned

is you can't underestimate Shine.

I've been out there, Mer.

Driving a cab, taking my little kid to school...

Just living a normal life

like any other average chump.

I've been a sitting duck.

He could have after me anytime he wanted...

But he didn't.

Now, maybe he thought that I wasn't a threat.

Maybe he thought that there's no way I could touch him,

so maybe, just maybe, Mer...

Maybe he underestimated me.

They make you look so grown up.

Do they still hurt?

Not as bad as I thought.

Well, a little pain never hurt anyone.

I like them. My mom's gonna kill me.

Parents always tell you that you're too young for things,

but no matter how desperately they try,

they can't stop you from growing up.

Where were you when I texted?

I thought you knew everything.

Dropped off again

from relative to relative.

Sometimes it feels like no one wants you.

I know how that is.

You don't know anything about me.

We have more in common than you might think.

It wasn't long ago

that you were one of those children.

What was it? "Not one wish..."

Not just two wishes!

"But three wishes."

They never came true, did they?

Mine did. I wanted to meet my dad.

That's so sweet.

But was he everything you wished for?

I can never be like that anymore, can I?

No, you can never be naive again.

No longer a child, a victim,

like a little lamb, eyes to the clouds,

led singing to the slaughterhouse.

You have seen so much.

You could be little forever.

Your perception has sharpened.

You can see things they can't see.

The truth behind the artifice.

Now all you have to do is...

look.

Why are you buzzing?

I don't know!

Phew.

Well, it doesn't get much weirder than that.

♪ My schemes are just like

♪ All my dreams

♪ Ending in the sky

♪ Some fellows

You know, it's happening tonight.

My smart, splendid lads,

I think there's a very good chance

that you'll both be alive to see the sunny,

sunny light of day.

What the hell?

Let me out!

Pink!

I'm sorry.

Pink, I'm scared.

I love you.

Wow, what was that?

I dunno,

but I'd order it again on a Sunday.

What?

Nothing, it's just...

You're so pretty.

Oh, no, no thanks. I don't smoke.

But I do spoon.

This is nice.

Most guys just want to fork.

You know, you can stay for a while...

Like... like all night.

I... I mean, if you want.

You want me to stay all night?

Sure!

Oh, we... we could have chocolate chip pancakes

in the morning, like at a sleepover.

Well, I do love pancakes.

But won't your friend be wondering where you are?

Oh, who cares about him?

He's probably somewhere dumb and boring.

Doing dumb...

boring stuff.

Amanda?

Nick.