Original subtitles

- How long do these usually last, Inspector?

I have appalling cramp.

- As long as it takes, son.

The trick is to stretch out every half hour,

and if you get too cold... - Yes?

- Piss yourself.

- So much they didn't teach in college.

- Budge up, what's happening?

- You're not police.

Your dad said on no account am I to tell you

about this stakeout.

- What stakeout?

- Nor am I giving you these binoculars.

- She's stashing something.

Let's nick her.

- We'll check the bag for diamonds first.

- Then nick her?

- Nicking's the best part.

Go!

- Bad luck, Rabbit.

- This is Inspector Tanner's case.

- What a dolly-plonker you are,

that's my bleeding tip-off.

- You're not having it, I'm afraid, old bean.

It's more my sort of thing really.

Tanner of the Yard catches the beauty behind

jewel smuggling ring.

They'll be kissing my arse from Tower Hill

to Buck's Row.

Chin chin.

- Was something ticking?

- Yeah.

- Tanner, if I was you I... I'd put that bag down.

- If I was you, Rabbit, I'd shut my cock-holster.

It's every man for himself these days.

Holy Fu...

- There he goes.

# Step it away you Brick Man, step it up and down #

# Step it away you Brick Man, London town #

# Step it away you Brick Man, step it up and down #

# Step it away you Brick Man, all fall down #

- How's Tanner?

What news from the hospital?

- Well, he's alive but he's lost some bits.

- Which bits?

- Erm, a straight bit, a round bit, a curly bit.

I'm not really a doctor.

- I've seen those all over the place.

- I know.

It's nearly Brick Night.

And you can't have Brick Night without...

- Brick Man. - Naturally.

What are you talking about?

- It's an East End thing.

Don't they have bricks in Incest-Upon-Avon?

- And every Brick Night, Brick Man steps out

of Brick World.

- He wears bricks clothes and has a brick face,

and if you don't believe in him,

stabs you in the neck repeatedly with his brick knife.

- It's just a bit of fun for the kids.

- No, no!

- Where did you get this ridiculous talisman?

This is blasphemy.

There is no such thing as Brick Man!

- Oi, Bible Boy, if you want a fight with someone

then you fight me.

No, actually, fight him.

He's fitter and I can't be arsed with you.

- Heathens!

- There you go, girl.

Have a penny, buy yourself a new doll.

- They're sixpence.

- Yeah, well, you can fuck that.

- In your name, my Lord,

I cleanse this city of false idols.

# The Brick Man #

# They all fall down #

- Now do you believe?

- Please, I beg you!

# It all falls down #

- There's been a murder.

- Fucking brilliant.

- Shut it!

Duckpond Lane.

A stabbing in the neck and in the wound

a quantity of red dust.

- Looks like your mum's cooking, John.

- A Brick Man imitator.

A dupe-brick-ate, if you will.

- I want this cracked like a witch's mirror.

- You should use psychology.

- It don't exist, Guv.

We need to get out there and break some fingers.

Find some leads and break their fingers.

Find the culprits and break their fingers.

Find the leads' culprits and break their fingers.

Get right up inside the fingers.

Finger the fingerers.

It's all about the fingers.

- Do it.

We are dealing with one sick individual.

- Sounds to me like someone needs

to shit or get off the pot.

- Rabbit, Strauss, go solve this.

Not now, when I say.

I now say.

Not you.

- Come.

- My weekly report, ma'am.

- Mm.

Proceed.

- Um, the attempt to end the lives of Rabbit

and his associates...

- Let me stop you there, Maud.

We don't attempt, we do.

- Indeed, ma'am.

And a second operation will...

- What's that?

Would someone bring in my street shoes,

I've got work to do.

- You can't be police, even if I wanted you to,

which I don't.

- I'm as good as any bloke in there.

I'm a fist with legs.

- Why can't you think about the things women

are meant to think about?

Spaniels wearing ribbons.

Kittens in moonlight.

- Come on, dad, give me anything,

no matter how small.

- Well, there is a new crime wave we need to stop.

- I'm your man who isn't a man.

Stop, bicycle theft.

- Come and join our Whitechapel Historical Fellowship.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Would you like to join our historical fellowship?

Fascinating lectures with no distractions.

We pride ourselves on our lack of refreshment.

- No, I think he only stopped because your daughter

was giving him the salmon.

We've got stuff to do, come on.

- Goodbye.

- Bye.

- I can't breathe.

My legs are like jelly.

My mind's racing.

Is this love?

- No, we've just passed the hat factory.

You're off your tits on airborne mercury.

It's that bell-end from yesterday.

May God rest your soul.

- It doesn't make sense, sir.

The nightwatchman was right near by,

but nobody saw the killer.

No trace.

- There's always a trace.

Brick dust.

Look.

This is the way to do it, Strauss.

None of your psycho-rology twollocks.

- Psychologists say one's father greatly influences

a chap's character.

My father certainly did, the three times a year I met him.

- I never knew my dad.

I know he named us after animals.

There's Leopard, my brother.

My sister, Weasel.

He wrote the names on our heads before dumping us

outside a church.

- Good grief.

A brick wall.

Just as the street ends in a brick wall

does cold science too have its limits.

Is Brick Man real?

Could this be the door to the Brick World?

Well, that's the way in.

The jury's still out really.

- Hello.

The police are giving free advice

on how to secure your bicycle.

- And what's that?

- The chain.

Oh, yeah, you shouldn't just secure the front wheels

because the little shits will just nick

the rest of it. - Move!

How come they let one of you lot in the police?

- Well, women do a lot of things now.

- That's not what I meant.

- I'm gonna count two and you're going to fuck right off,

or I'll show you just how police I can be.

One.

Not so chatty now you racist shit!

- Thank you.

- Don't mention it.

Us girls have got to look out for each other.

So where were we?

- Don't worry, there's been a change of plan.

- Other dimensions, my puckered arse.

This is how Brick Man gets about.

- London sewers, best in the world they say.

Not sure they spend a lot of time down here though.

- Shh, shh, shh,

What was that noise?

- Inspector, I think I saw something.

- That felt like a brick.

Run!

- Bravo Tanner.

Welcome back, sir.

- Welcome back, sir.

- Who was she?

The bomber?

- The trail's gone cold, sir.

We think maybe there was no jewel smuggling ring.

- The bomb was meant for Rabbit.

- Quite nice job they've done on your bonce, sir.

It'll take more than a bang to stop

brave Tanner of the Yard.

- I'll tell you about bravery, son.

In the Sudan I watched blokes getting their ears blown off.

Young fellas ripped in two by frightened horses.

One poor Welsh lad snagged his turkey purse

on a barbed wire fence and watched his little peanuts

fall into the grateful mouth of a desert shrew.

The look on his face, horrific.

This was meant for Rabbit.

And while there's puff in my gruff and wind in

my whistle I will make sure he gets what's coming to him.

- Stop!

- Or at least slow down about 25%.

- Hello Brick Man.

I'm Police Man.

Come to arrest the living shit out of you.

Oh, gawd, it's you.

- I didn't see it was you, Mr. Rabbit.

I thought you were some new lads working my patch.

- Who is this sewer dweller?

- This is Murky John.

He's a Tosher.

- Ooh, what's that?

I'm compiling a list of appalling East End occupations.

- We scavenge the sewers for anything worth a few bob.

- Is that legal?

- What you might call a grey area.

Rabbit, how about this for the lady in your life?

- Don't think you can bribe me, Murky.

Actually, that's quite nice.

- You may have the worse job I've encountered

since becoming a policeman.

- There's a few down sides.

Drowning, cholera, tetanus,

build up of flammable gases exploding into a huge fireball.

The rats dragging you off to feed the Rat King.

- Have you seen anything weird lately, Murky John?

- Last night a gentleman walking the pipes.

Brick coat, brick hat, brick face.

The Toshers are scared, Rabbit.

Catch him before he comes for us all.

- Morning Rabbit.

Breakfast?

- Is that banging inside my head or is that for real?

- Bastards are putting electric lights all down the streets.

Bad for business running a pub under electric light.

- Why's that?

- Makes me look older.

I'm what you call a smog beauty.

- Course you are, girl.

Hang on.

Oi, what's your game, soppy nuts?

- Brick Man struck again last night,

but he can't come through no walls

if we knock 'em down first.

- Oh, gawd.

Where was it?

- Oakwood Road.

- You do that again, dick boy,

and I'll lop 'em off with a spoon.

- Brick Man.

Brick Man.

- Let me guess, no witnesses?

- Why won't you coppers catch Brick Man?

You don't give a monkeys about the likes of us.

- Too right, mate. - Shut your mouth,

you old bastard.

- We should break every brick wall in London town.

Smash the bleeding walls!

- Smash the bleeding wall!

Smash the bleeding wall!

- Listen, Mr. Larkham.

- No, you listen.

People are scared of bricks for Christ sake.

I've got 200 workers at my brick works,

if we close today they don't eat tomorrow.

- Why not?

- Because I don't pay them enough.

Find the killer!

- I've got my best people on it.

What have you got?

- Well, he moves through the sewers,

so I was thinking we should form a shit squad.

- A shit squad?

- A shit squad.

- I think you already have.

- A squad made up of men who don't mind getting

their hands dirty.

Men who'll wade in shit, toss shit, eat shit,

juggle shit, swim in shit.

Shitty men, shitty coppers.

- I'd be proud to serve alongside Inspector Rabbit

in such a unit.

- You're not going to put that ridiculous clown,

Rabbit on it, are you?

- Rabbit's one of my best wrong 'un banger-uppers.

- Who's that girl who took down

that bag-snatcher?

She's showing your lot right up.

- What, Mabel?

- Get her on it.

- But... - Wisbech,

I am a friend of the Home Secretary,

we both play pétanque together.

If you can't find this murderer he will get in

someone who can.

Good day!

- Mr. Larkham, you're a very rich and powerful man,

two qualities I admire greatly.

- Mmm, never mind that.

Tell me, what happened to Rabbit's eyebrow?

- His dog bit it off or something at Christmas time.

But everyone needs a friend in the station.

I could be such a friend for you, Sir.

What's left of my left eye just winked at you.

- Mabel? - Hmm?

- You're on Brick Man with these two.

- Yes, you won't regret it,

but if you do it'll be too late, so who cares.

- Well done, girl.

But don't bollock on about that.

- Psychology.

We need to get inside the killer's head.

Okay, so what's his history with Brick Man?

- The Historical Fellowship.

She's the one I want to see.

I mean she's the one we want to see.

Sorry.

They're the ones we want to see.

About Brick Man.

- Yeah.

Come on, horny boy.

Police.

- Police.

- As good as police.

Just say I'm police.

Everyone say I'm police for now.

- Tell us about Brick Man. - The whole lot.

- And look sharp, Chief, because I get bored real easy.

- Please, take a seat.

Now how old do you think the legend of the Brick Man is?

- I ain't got a bleeding clue, mate,

that's why I'm asking you.

- What if I were to tell you that he was a mere

50-years-old this year?

- Well, then I would tell you fancy that.

- His first appearance in an advertisement for

Larkham Bricks, founded by Sir John Larkham.

- We met his son.

- He's a bell-end.

- He's actually a patron of ours and he's a wonderful man.

- He's a wonderful bell-end.

- We've not been properly introduced.

Sergeant Strauss.

- Harriet.

You're awfully young for a policeman.

- Well, you're very young for an historian.

- Once this was all countryside,

and then the East End was built from Larkham Bricks,

with Brick Man the star.

- But this Brick Man's got this smiling gob.

He don't look much like the stabbing type.

- Well, once the East End was built demand

for bricks dropped, so they gave Brick Man an edgy rebrand.

- Bugger me. - A public relations disaster.

The adverts were withdrawn,

but the myth had begun.

- Maybe somebody wants to close down the brick factory.

- Well, they're going the wrong way about it.

Scares pass.

You can knock down every wall in London,

but then you have to rebuild.

And what do you use?

- Bricks.

- And Mr. Larkham will make a fortune.

- Did Larkham ever dress up as Brick Man?

- Hang on.

Yes!

For the Lord Mayor's Parade.

Look.

- I was thinking, do you like dancing?

- I don't know.

No-one's ever requested a dance.

- That's funny, because I've never had anyone to ask.

Would you like to?

- Yes.

- To, to?

- Oh, are you two gonna fuck or what?

I call it like I see it.

It's just me being me.

- Move!

Have you found the murderer yet?

- Let's hope so.

Cuff him.

- What?

- So thank you for ruining my only chance of happiness.

- Relax, Strauss.

This is England, it's choc-o-bloc with mousey girls.

- You're making a big mistake, Rabbit.

- Am I now?

Well, you do not have to say anything

because it might blah-blah-blah-blah.

Get rid of the prick.

- Uncuff me!

- Knob head.

- Brick Man strikes again.

Police fucking useless.

- Our kids ain't safe!

Lazy bleeding coppers.

Can't even chase a monster into his own dimension.

- Are you mad?

Where's your evidence?

- Wanna know your big mistake?

You killed wearing a Brick Man company costume.

The thing is it weren't waterproof.

You still had sewer water in your shoes.

That's a nice pipe.

- We use water to make bricks, you fucking idiot.

Release me now or you'll regret it.

- Alright, you're free to go.

- Thank you.

- Oh, no, hang on.

I found this in your coat pocket.

- I've never seen that before.

- Matches the other half found at the crime scene.

- Per-lease, you planted it.

Why would I kill anyone?

Hmm?

- Father issues.

Your dad built the brick factory but now it's in trouble.

You're killing to show the world

you're just as good as he is.

- You alright, girl?

She's right, though I still think this

psycho-horror-tree is totally bullshit.

- My father was worth a dozen of yours, Rabbit.

No, make that a 100.

Oh, yes.

I knew your papa alright, a rotten ball of meat

and whisky in the shape of a man,

and your mother wasn't much better.

I laughed like a drain

when they pulled her out of the Thames.

- Sergeant Strauss, would you lock the door?

Sergeant Strauss, would you unlock the door.

- What the bloody hell's been going on here?

- He's the killer!

- No, Rabbit, the killer just struck again at Meadow Hill.

You're free to go.

- You're a dead man!

Dead!

- Shit!

- This is the work of your local police.

They will not protect people like you.

Or me, the common factory owner in the street.

- Rock the house.

- Isn't it about time the police get

what's coming to them?

- Larkham's behind this and he's got accomplices.

And that ain't just guesswork.

I bloody know it.

- Um, chaps, it's looking pretty dicey out there.

- Hold on a blinking, bleeding fucking second.

Meadow Hill.

Oakwood Row.

Duckpond Lane.

They're all rural countrysidey names and Larkham hates that.

- He wants the whole world bricked over.

- That's why he kills.

And because he's got the taste.

- He's got the taste.

The killer's got a pattern.

- It's the shape of a brick. - Oh, don't be stupid.

It's three dots, that could be any pattern.

- Hold up!

Barley Lane.

- It's the shape of a brick.

- Okay, fair enough.

- And that's where he's gonna strike next.

We need to get out of here.

- But how do we get through the riot?

- We blend in.

Perfect.

- What do we do now?

- We wait.

- Can I just say what wonderful people you are.

- Shut up!

- If anything happens it's been a privilege

to serve with a fine officer and someone pretending

to be an officer.

- Shush.

I think this might be a waste of time.

# The Brick Man #

# They all fall down #

- The Brick World.

It's all true.

- This is the sewers.

Smell the gases and shit.

Mainly shit.

- Where are you, Larkham?

- None of you believe.

- You couldn't have dragged the three of us

down here on your own, you'd have needed help.

Murky John I bet.

Those Toshers they know the sewers.

- Those who do not believe, die.

- The funny thing is Larkham,

I left you with a limp and now you ain't got one, Larkham.

So I reckon, Larkham, you ain't Larkham.

- Who is it?

- Who else knew about Brick Man and what we was up to?

- History.

- The history twats!

- Too late.

I'm going to cut you from arsehole to breakfast time.

- Ooh.

Harriet, why are you pretending to be in league

with this villain?

- Don't bother, son, she hates us as much

as she hates bricks.

- Shut your funnel!

- She wishes England was green again.

You want the lost world.

- The Larkham's bricked over paradise.

- Did I say that you could fucking speak?

- So you want to make people scared of bricks

so they flee the city.

But why plant the doll on Larkham?

- So you would arrest him and then he would be at

the station and bang, we strike.

- Can I just check, what we had between us, was that real?

- What do you think you chinless bucket?

- Is it a yes?

- When your mangled bodies are found the city

will empty and then nature can take back what is hers.

- All this for some nettles?

- I say, dad, you couldn't light a fag for us,

could ya, before you do us in.

They're in me top pocket.

- Er, did I say that you could move?

- No dear.

- Then stay where you are.

It's a trap.

- Sorry dear.

- You know what, my dad was a wanker,

but you're worse mate.

She's clearly needed boundaries her entire life.

You've given her fuck all.

- You know what, you can have a cigarette.

- No, he can't, you gaping dick!

- Young lady, I have spent countless hours in

this uncomfortable costume,

helping you with your killing and mutilating.

A thank you wouldn't hurt.

- Come on, Chief, I'm gasping here.

- I won't fucking tell you again, dad.

Do not do it!

- Sorry fellas.

I forgot to warn you about the build up

of the highly flammable gases.

Strauss, cuff 'em.

- Right 'o.

- There's plenty of bricks where you're going.

- Oh, that's nice.

Did you think of that just now or hours ago?

- Just now.

- Liar!

- When a policeman meets someone and falls in love,

does she always turn out to be the killer?

- No.

Sometimes she gets killed.

On the morning of your wedding day.

- Rabbit, doctor's report on Larkham's injuries.

- I'll just buy him a cocktail.

Fucking hell.

Size of that.

I'll have to buy him the pub.

- Home Secretary's involved.

There's going to be an inquiry.

Police brutality.

- You what?

Well, you could vouch for me.

No, because he hit me first.

That might even be true.

Come back you...

- And guess who's in charge of the inquiry?

- You're joking?

c'est moi

- Does that mean it's you?

- Don't worry, darling, I'll be completely impartial.

And then I'm going to melt you down, my old China.

Run Rabbit.

Run.

- Hello?

Oh, Lydia.

- Oh, Miss Wisbech.

I am so glad you accepted my invitation.

Do come in.

- Thank you.

- I have a little club for women.

We believe that women are the future.

- I've been looking for something like that my whole life.

That and a corset that doesn't make my kidneys

pop out my ears.

- I think you and I are going to become great friends.

Tea?

- Oh, yes, please.

That's nice.

- Do you take lemon?

- Lemon?

Is that new?