Original subtitles

- Where's the girl?

- What girl?

- Where's the girl?

- What girl?

I really don't know what you're talking about.

- How come we found one of her shoes up your chimney

and there's a lock of her hair in

your top pocket.

- I've never seen this before!

Oh, please make this stop.

- I ain't even started, chief.

I'll hollow you out like a fuckin' Toby jug.

Where's the girl?

- Alright!

I'll say anything!

Please stop.

- And that's just one of the things policemen do all day.

Thank you very much indeed Mr. Milsom,

for helping us.

Now, who wants to see how we fish opium

out of sailors' arseholes?

- London fog, tuppence a jar!

London fog, tuppence a jar!

- Horrible murders!

Fuckin' pictures and everything!

Oi!

They're a penny each ya thieving.

God bless ya sir.

- Whatever is that smell?

On the happy sauce already are we, Rabbit?

Trying to stop the voices in your head?

"I'm the old lady they found in three suitcases.

"Why didn't you save me, Rabbit?"

"I'm the flower girl what got dismembered in the alleyway."

- Rabbit!

My office.

Now!

- It's funny, Tanner, your mates reckon that

hat makes you look like an arsehole.

I reckon it suits ya.

- What did you say?

- You 'eard.

- What the cocker dick goes through your head?

What happened?

- What?

- Shut your pipe!

You put a teacher in hospital, ya div.

This came today.

Know what it is?

- I don't know, a letter?

- "Dear Inspector Rabbit.

"Your visit yesterday really inspired me.

"When I grow up I want to kick wrong-uns in the bollocks

"then string the wankers up."

Signed Lilly, aged nine.

Nine!

- Just working together for a safer city.

- You've made me look a proper tit!

Remember who wipes your arse.

In you come, lad.

- Who the fuck is that?

- I need you to pay the game, Rabbit.

So you're getting a partner.

- Sergeant Wilbur Strauss.

Delighted to meet you, sir.

- I bet you are, boy.

I don't want a partner.

- He's from Cambridge.

Top of his year in criminology.

- Full disclosure.

I also came bottom.

It's a brand new course you see,

I was the only one in the class.

- You've got something on your shirt.

- Have I, oh, damn.

- Even fell for that old cack.

- I want you to stick to this boy like shit to a blanket

or you're out on the cobbles.

- Father, you forgot your sandwiches.

And did I get the job?

- Mabel, darlin', a woman can't be police.

- When you adopted me you said you wanted the best for me.

- I was mainly talking about hats.

- If a woman can be a nurse or a novelist

then why can't she find the stolen jewels

or drown a nonce because a trial's too good for him?

- Because it's never been done.

And for other socio-economic reasons.

- The only opportunity for a young woman in this field

is strangled girl in fog.

I'm aiming higher.

I'm gonna be the first female copper, or fopper,

or ladyfilth, or...

- Bacon dolly.

- Femi-plod?

- Shut ya holes!

- We've not been introduced.

I'm Strauss, the new police chap.

- Fuck off.

- Watch your sauce box, madam.

And be off with ya.

- Kids today?

- Aye.

And this one's yours.

Now skedaddle.

- This is so exciting.

I'd only ever read about the East End in pamphlets.

It truly is the gateway to Sodom.

Ooh, a pub.

Is this our first case?

The case of the pub?

- Back already, Rabbit?

What you having?

The gin's literally blinding,

you'd better take it with a mixer.

- I'll have a whisky, Gwen.

- What about your fancy pal?

- He'll have the same.

Gwen, why is there a sewing machine hanging

from your roof?

- It's a push-bike, you mutton button.

It's a talking point.

Makes the place nice.

- I bet it does, gal.

- I have to say, Mr. Rabbit,

I'm having the most tremendous time.

- You ain't cut out for this are you, boy?

I'd quit while you can.

- Quit?

You and I are working together for a safer city.

- This city is a rat eating its own babies.

Babies made of shit.

And once it's eaten its own shit babies,

it shits them out again, and then it noshes 'em.

And that goes on and on until the sun turns cold

and the sea goes back up into the sky.

- How come you've only got one eyebrow?

- The dog chewed it off last year.

- Murder!

Horrible murder!

- Good.

- Get out the way, for health reasons.

By that I mean if you don't, I'll kill ya.

Get out the way.

What's going on here, fish-face?

- Found her in a river.

She drowned.

- Well, not before someone shot her.

- She's very beautiful.

- She's dead, mate.

You can't say shit like that when a bird's

around being dead.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me, please.

Okay, what have we got?

- None of your biz.

Just some old docker bloke.

- It's another young women, isn't it?

Can't you cockneys be a bit more original?

- Stand aside, under-class wretches.

Tanner of the Yard is here.

- Why don't you bugger off, Tanner.

I've got this.

- Oh, yes?

Like all those other cases he failed to solve,

ladies and gentlemen, because he was so

tit-ripped on booze he couldn't tell his arse

from a hole in the ground.

Better leave this to the real police.

All gathered here, pray silence

that I may solve this mystery.

- Fuck's sake.

- Seconded.

- That's it.

The victim wore blue gloves.

That man over there has a blue hat.

Blue and blue.

The connection's clear.

You, sir are the murderer.

- Hang on.

No, wait.

- They won't fall for that.

I've heard Londoners are famous for their savvy.

- Three cheers for Inspector Tanner.

Hip-hip.

- Hooray.

- Hip-hip! - Hooray.

- Hip-hip. - Hooray.

- Don't touch me.

- My hands are tied, Rabbit.

"Killer In Blue Caught By Boys In The Above."

The papers love it.

- Okay.

But the wrong man's gonna swing, sir.

Give me two days.

I'll bring him in by his ball sac.

- The case is solved, Rabbit.

So drop it.

And remember who wipes your arse.

- Does he actually?

- No.

I think it's a northern expression.

Can you stop saying it?

- I shall say what I bloody like.

Now move!

- Good day, officer.

Sir Giles Linley, standing for re-election

as your Member of Parliament.

You've caught a right ugly brute there.

Where can I find your Inspector?

I'm here donating books to the inmates.

Improves them.

What do you think for this repulsive savage?

I've got "Amputation: The Cure For Masturbation"

or "Do Irishmen Have Souls?"

The twist is they do.

- But he's-- - Illiterate?

I'm surprised.

He probably eats with his feet.

What happened to his eyebrow?

- His dog chewed it off last Christmas?

- Is that a fact?

Look at his skull.

Criminal bone structure.

A swirling vortex of lust and rage which,

judging by the look on his face,

has damaged his brain, rendering him mute.

What's he called?

- I'm called Detective Inspector Rabbit.

- We, we thank you for your, for your service.

- What are we doing?

- If anyone asks, we're snoring in our beds.

- Which one's the beautiful maiden?

- You can't be saying shit like that about

the dead birds.

- But you have to admit it, sir, she is adorable.

- She was adorable.

I won't fuckin' tell you again.

'Ere we go.

Give me a hand.

- Good lord, I can see her mcfuffies.

Do excuse me, madam.

And we've revealed her lady pantry.

- Help me turn her over.

- Her Dutch dumplings.

Heaven take me.

Inspector Rabbit, I fear the devil has entered my britches.

- A second bullet hole.

That's a bit bloody odd.

- Whoever you are, you wanna step out now

or I'll smack your head so hard they'll find it on

the fuckin' moon.

The moon!

Oh, Mabel, what are you doing?

- I'm solving this crime because, unlike you,

I won't spunk it up a wall.

- Watch ya gob. - You have a very fruity

mouth for a lady.

- I'm not the one with an erection, Sergeant Fucksicle.

They shot her twice.

- I just said that.

- Checked her clothes?

- In my own time.

- Sorry, luv.

- I know what that is.

It's one of those little round things

for the ladies' toilet money.

- A compact for make-up.

- A compact for make-up!

- This symbol could be a clue.

- I doubt it.

- Don't mind me having it then.

That's mine.

- It's police evidence.

Now bugger off.

- I'm buggering nowhere.

- What time does that library open, boy?

We should go and find out what this symbol means.

- If anyone's going to the library it's me.

- Just you try.

- Just you try and stop me.

- We didn't stop her.

- I know.

I was mugging her off.

- Of course you were.

- We, my boy, are off to the slums.

- The what?

- That rancid shit-pit, syphilitic crap-hole

known as a Lime-house!

- Fantastic.

- Lungs.

Buy your lungs.

- This place is extraordinary.

Does it always smell like this?

- Ooh, I'll have a garden salad.

Yes.

No, no, it's a treat day, I'll have jam squares.

- Absolutely, Mr. Merrick.

I'll get some pronto.

- Stare all you like, but it'll cost you three pence.

Merrick don't freak for free.

- I'm dreadfully sorry, sir.

I really didn't-- - Joe, I need you to take

a shifty at something.

- He saved my life once.

I was set upon and nearly killed by a cruel

and vicious mob.

Afterwards I said to him, "Rabbit,"

I said "if ever you need any help,

"come and see the elephant."

But he's been pushing it, haven't you, luv?

- Nonsense.

He loves it.

We go way back.

- I've travelled the world, young man.

Five stars in The New York Times!

If you see one hideous deformity this year--

- You've clearly done very well on it.

Good living suits you, sir.

- What do you make of this?

- It's called a compact. - Oh, I know, duckie.

Solid silver.

Worth a pretty penny.

- Yeah, what about the symbol?

- Jam squares, Mr. Merrick.

- Oh!

Thank you, dear.

Blackcurrant!

What the hell have you done?

I am terribly sorry, boys.

- It's quite alright.

- We've, we've eaten.

- Your young freaks, they think they don't have

to put in the graft.

Well you do!

Hmm, I don't know what this is.

But, yes, this is theatrical.

There's only one outfit in town uses make-up this cheap.

Go here.

And Rabbit, my debt's paid.

- Well, your debt's paid when I say it's paid.

And the sooner you get that into your massive head

the better for everyone.

I mean believe me, I wouldn't intentionally

mock your appearance, but your head is fucking massive.

He doesn't mind.

Ah, I know this gaff.

It's one of them Peep Holes.

- I beg your pardon?

- A Peep Hole.

A Tom Shop.

Knock-knock-hide-yer-cock.

Somewhere you go to see a bit of Jack 'n' Danny,

and maybe a broom handle if it tickles your pickles.

- It all sounds very creative, Inspector,

but I'm not sure-- - Erotic cabaret.

- Oh, I see.

- Total filth they say.

- Shall we just go in and arrest everyone straightaway?

- We could do.

Or we could watch the whole show first.

- For clues?

- Now you're talking my language.

Hah!

- Do you like it?

- Oh, yeah.

That is so good.

- Would you like to see my other ankle?

- Oh, yeah.

That is good.

- Do you like it?

- I do like it.

It's so good.

- Do you want to see the first ankle again?

- Thram's for this knob whack?

This is bollocks, it's usually much better than this.

- Do you like it? - What do you mean?

- Well, they get in the raw for a start.

- The what?

- I'm gonna jump up.

Just do exactly what I say.

- One, expect very bad word of mouth.

Two, we're the Met and you're fucking nicked.

- I'll cover the stairs, guv.

- Nobody move, unless you're putting

your Hamptons away.

Put that away, me old mate.

Stop!

Sit down.

What's your name?

- Claudette Giscard-d'estang-pamplemo use-allouette.

- Bloody Nora.

I'll just call you French Lady.

Who is this?

- Edith Bates.

She's in the show, but we haven't seen her for a week.

- I have seen her.

- Thank God.

- She is dead.

I probably should have started with that.

- I can't believe she's gone.

She could do anything.

Bored housewife, naughty housewife.

Limitless range.

- Right, tell me, who would want Edith out of the picture?

- All she had was admirers.

Some are

- Does that mean they're here this evening?

Alright Baz.

Of course it is.

Oi, I told you to put that away.

Hold your 'orses.

- Murder.

Horrible murder.

- Get out the way.

- So sorry.

- You!

Oi!

Stay where you are.

- Inspector.

- I need you to punch me in the chest, boy.

- Punch you?

- Me jam tart's stopped.

Come on, you wally.

Yeah, yeah, it's going again.

- It's a dead end.

- Hold still, you bastard!

- You're gonna pull through.

- He's dead.

- You're not gonna pull through.

I'm sorry if I misled you.

- Whoever did this ain't got far.

- French Lady.

- We can't arrest you if you keep running.

- Well?

- We've got a suspect.

- Name?

- French Lady.

She's in the same show as Edith.

French gets jealous so she kills her.

Then she offs the vicar 'cause he knows it.

- One thing doesn't add up.

- What?

- You, you leg of fuck-wit ham.

I told you to leave it.

- She'll kill again, Wisbech.

She's got the taste.

The taste!

- Them upstairs, they wanna let this lie.

- If you want me to stop you'll have to fire me.

- Rabbit, I've wiped your arse for long enough,

but no matter how many times I wipe,

you can't keep a clean crack.

- Can you please stop saying that.

- You leave me with no choice.

You've nowhere left to run.

Rabbit.

- Well don't fire Strauss, he's a good boy.

He tried to stop me.

- I certainly did not.

I supported you at every turn.

- You tit.

- Oh, tit.

- Rabbit, you are fired from the Met.

Strauss, you are demoted to missing cats.

Give me your guns.

And the rest.

Bloody Nora!

- Inspector, Inspector, don't go.

I, I've got so much to learn from you.

- I've got nothing to offer you boy,

but pain and poison.

- He'll have drunk himself to death by midnight,

and there is nothing a stray pube like you can do about it.

Why don't you go back to your mummy, little boy,

'cause you're well out of your league here.

- Gwendoline!

- You've had enough whisky, Rabbit.

Have a run to take the edge off.

- Oi, eyebrow!

- You think I'm funny, do you?

Well how funny am I now?

- Oi, that's mine, you cheeky--

Alright, girl.

- Keep still.

The last time I'm patching you up.

- Marry me.

- Stop it.

- I say.

- Oh, alright, boy.

Come and have a drink.

- There's no time, sir.

I swiped your weapons from the station.

And some extra ones.

- Bloody hell.

You've gone rogue.

You may look like a ghostie's dolly,

but you're a good boy.

- This is big.

Bigger than all of us.

I am not exaggerating when I say that I have

blown the lid off all crime.

- At the library?

- Look what I found, choir boy.

I took this book from the reference section.

- You stole it?

- From the reference section?

- Well, sometimes coppers have to break the rules.

The symbol on the compact is hundreds of years old.

I think it's the sign of a criminal society

so secret nobody knows its name.

- Good effort.

But bullshit.

- Inspector Rabbit and I deduced

it was the French Lady that did it.

- It looks like women can be killers.

- But it wasn't her.

- She's got the taste!

We need to find her before she kills again.

- Or performs any more piss poor erotica.

Both unforgivable.

- I care about people, especially the hardworking ones.

I would like nothing more than to see a London--

- Oh, not him again.

Get out the way, we've got a murderer to catch.

- And fairer for everyone.

- The next Prime Minister they say.

- God 'elp us.

- I will improve the lot of every man here,

and if there's a bit of time at the end of the day,

I'll improve the lot of some of the women.

Inspector.

I fear I made quite a fool of myself yesterday.

What say we shake hands and forget all about it.

- What's up with you?

are you trying to mouth the word symbol?

What does she mean?

- No, no, no.

No.

- Why are you mouthing the word symbol, dear?

Ah!

That's the same symbol that's on that compact.

- Yes.

- What's your game, Gunga Din?

- That's just the old family crest.

I'm sorry, gentlemen, I feel the call of nature.

- You need the toilet, do you?

- Well, indeed.

- Sir Giles Linley, you've got the right to

a bunch of .

Anyway, do you want to nick him?

- Can I?

Sir, now if you would like to turn around while I...

- Oh, wow!

After him!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's gone again!

- We need transportation.

If you wouldn't mind, would you restart

the inspector's jam tart.

- Come on!

Now, girl. - Okay, okay, ready?

- Oi!

What the bleedin' hell do you think you're doing?

- Madam, I'm commandeering your talking point.

- Whoa

Where do I sit?

How does it work?

- I think it's to do with the foot pistons.

- What?

- He's heading to the docks.

- Come on boy, to the docks.

Fuckin' thing doesn't work.

- Jesus! - Come on!

- Fucking skirts!

- Sir Giles, we can't arrest you if you keep running.

- Show yourself Linley or make a noise by mistake.

- I think I've found him, sir.

- Drop it.

- I want passage to South America.

- Don't be a fool, Linley.

- Yeah, come on Linley, don't be a cunt.

- From a lady! - Oi, language.

- You watch your gob.

- I didn't want to kill Edith.

I fell in love with her at the cabaret.

Gave her love tokens.

She could do anything.

Bored housewife, naughty housewife.

I proposed, but so did the vicar.

We fought a duel for her hand.

She tried to stop us.

- Bloody men.

- We threw the body in the Thames.

But I couldn't trust the vicar to keep his mouth shut.

- It's over Linley.

- She's right.

- I will not be arrested by a woman.

- I'm arresting you.

And I won't tell you again, you posh cock, drop it.

- And if I don't?

- Skull of an ugly brute, eh?

Well, how's that, you bastard?

You took a bullet for me today, boy.

- Any time.

Working together for a safer city.

- Who are the society?

Tell us.

- There's no such thing.

- No!

- Out of bullets.

That's embarrassing.

- It's alright, try mine.

- Thank you.

- Ooh!

Fucking hell.

- Yeah, yeah.

That, that's exactly where I wanted it.

- So Claudette followed us to warn us about Linley,

but when she saw the dead vicar she panicked.

- Very good, Strauss.

I'm getting out my loose ends book.

I'm writing tied up.

- And as I helped solve it I assume that I get

to be the first official fopper.

- Fillyfuzz.

- Bobby-dolly.

No, no, sweetness, you know I'd do anything for you,

anything, but it's never gonna happen.

And what about that secret society carry on?

- Total bollocks.

- Absolute bullshit.

Can I just say I've had the most incredible time.

- Good boy.

Come on then, Mabel.

You may not be a fopper yet,

but I'll let you walk down the street with us.

- Wow.

What an amazing reward.

- I know.

But I go in the middle.

- Mud.

Shit and mud.

Mud and shit for a penny.

I see them.

- Good.

Have them followed and then have them killed.