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1
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♪♪
2
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-Yikes!
3
00:00:07,074 --> 00:00:09,744
Courthouse cafeteria
lobster roll?
4
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:14,181
20 bucks says you can't
keep that down for two hours.
5
00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:17,552
-You're talking to a woman who
once ate calamari in The Hole.
6
00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:20,020
-Oh. You know, we get it.
You were in prison.
7
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-The Hole is what
I call the state of Ohio.
8
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,561
-The water in the water fountain
is carbonated again.
9
00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:28,495
Can't tell
if it's concerning or fancy.
10
00:00:28,530 --> 00:00:31,566
-Well, it depends.
Do you consider tetanus fancy?
11
00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:34,201
-So, my favorite
law professor e-mailed,
12
00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,403
and she needs a speaker
for a lecture next week.
13
00:00:36,436 --> 00:00:38,405
Do you want to do it?
-Abby, you know I only
14
00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:41,308
ever leave the city
for farm-to-table dining, hm?
15
00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:44,278
-I was asking Julianne.
-And I was saying yes.
16
00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,613
-Aww!
17
00:00:45,647 --> 00:00:47,715
Why would I ask you, Dan?
You'll just say no.
18
00:00:47,749 --> 00:00:49,249
-That's even more hurtful.
19
00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:51,251
You know how much
I love saying no to things.
20
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:53,220
-I do. You're the only person
I've seen giddy
21
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:56,189
from rejecting
a computer software update.
22
00:00:57,391 --> 00:01:00,460
-Oh, Dan. Always the duck-duck,
never the goose.
23
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,396
-[ Scoffs ]
-You can't blame her.
24
00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:04,666
I mean, she did choose
the better lawyer.
25
00:01:04,699 --> 00:01:08,235
-Uh -- [ Grumbles] You think
you're the better lawyer?
26
00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:11,405
The only way I would believe
that is if I argued it in court,
27
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:13,608
and I wouldn't argue it
because I'm the better lawyer.
28
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:16,443
Do you see the conundrum
we have here?
29
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,478
-You sound crazy.
30
00:01:18,513 --> 00:01:19,981
You know,
and that's coming from someone
31
00:01:20,014 --> 00:01:22,382
who spent six months
in a group home.
32
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:25,920
The group was the Bee Gees.
And I dated all three.
33
00:01:25,954 --> 00:01:28,990
So many teeth.
34
00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:32,292
-I'll tell you what. You pick
any case on the docket tonight,
35
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:36,129
and I will beat the cashmere
blend pants off of ya.
36
00:01:37,599 --> 00:01:41,134
-Hey, look! Look!
There's Mr. Fielding!
37
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-Oh, God.
-Dan, do you know
38
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:47,875
those two Great Depression
time travelers?
39
00:01:47,909 --> 00:01:49,242
-Do not make eye contact.
40
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,945
That's Bob and June Wheeler,
41
00:01:50,979 --> 00:01:54,716
the only living creatures
I know who can haunt a place.
42
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-Mr. Fielding! Mr. Fielding!
43
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[ Glass shatters ]
44
00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:04,424
-Oh, no, Dan.
45
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:07,595
You might have to defend us
for that, too.
46
00:02:10,732 --> 00:02:13,534
-I think we found our case.
47
00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,202
Oh, but you're
such a good lawyer.
48
00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,538
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Knock on wood.
49
00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:20,108
-Don't let 'em knock
on anything.
50
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♪♪
51
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,716
-Thanks again for showing me
to the cafeteria.
52
00:02:28,750 --> 00:02:31,519
I can't believe I almost ate
my sandwich in the morgue!
53
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,286
-They do look similar,
but the people
54
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,288
lying on the tables in here
are just super-drunk.
55
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:38,660
-[ Laughs ]
Ohh! Cute and funny.
56
00:02:38,693 --> 00:02:40,128
I'm Crash, by the way.
57
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,130
-Crash.
I like a one-syllable name.
58
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,198
I'm Abby. That's two syllables.
So stupid.
59
00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:46,601
-[ Laughs ]
60
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,936
-Well, here's two
one-syllable words.
61
00:02:48,970 --> 00:02:50,270
call me.
62
00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:54,408
-Looks like that
industrial-strength deodorant
63
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:56,276
is really payin' off.
64
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:58,079
-Abby, pull yourself together.
65
00:02:58,112 --> 00:03:00,313
People are trying to eavesdrop.
66
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:03,183
-That guy was super-hot.
Like "red eye" hot.
67
00:03:03,216 --> 00:03:05,086
Like, I want to ride him
for six hours
68
00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:07,354
and wake up in a different city.
69
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,625
-Yeah, too bad there's
something wrong with him.
70
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:13,728
-Is he the kayaker
in the herpes commercial?
71
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,697
-Man, you wish.
A working actor would be
72
00:03:15,730 --> 00:03:17,932
an improvement
over the guys you've dated.
73
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:21,636
Since your breakup,
it's been a loser convention.
74
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:24,438
Remember the guy
who only wore terrycloth?
75
00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:26,074
-I don't know.
Must have been nice,
76
00:03:26,107 --> 00:03:28,375
always having a towel
right there.
77
00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:31,546
-Okay, so maybe my radar
has been a little off lately,
78
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:34,015
but I have a feeling that Crash
is gonna break that streak.
79
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:38,285
I mean, those teeth? No way
those come off when he sleeps.
80
00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:40,688
-I bet he makes noises
when he kisses.
81
00:03:40,722 --> 00:03:42,657
Myom-myom-myom!
82
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,358
Get used to that.
-Hm.
83
00:03:47,562 --> 00:03:50,732
-The People vs.
Bob and June Wheeler.
84
00:03:50,765 --> 00:03:53,400
-Aww! The Wheelers!
Welcome back!
85
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:55,636
And may I remind everyone,
in case of an emergency,
86
00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:58,973
the exits are in the front
and the back of the courtroom.
87
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:00,742
-Sorry, Judge.
88
00:04:00,775 --> 00:04:03,778
Trouble seems to find us
like we owe it money.
89
00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,378
-And we don't.
90
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:09,717
Unless "trouble" is what
they call the IRS these days.
91
00:04:09,751 --> 00:04:12,252
-The defendants are charged
with destruction of property
92
00:04:12,285 --> 00:04:14,989
after their chickens
burrowed out of their apartment
93
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:18,325
and into a nearby
massage parlor.
94
00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:21,629
-From what we hear,
it was not a happy ending.
95
00:04:22,864 --> 00:04:25,332
-My clients were nowhere near
the scene of the alleged crime,
96
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:26,868
and I don't think it's necessary
to go into detail
97
00:04:26,901 --> 00:04:30,505
as to where they --
-It was date night.
98
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:32,707
I took the missus
to her favorite restaurant --
99
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:36,409
Trader Joe's
free sample station.
100
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,913
-Mmm!
-Mmm!
101
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:41,783
-It doesn't matter where they
were when the crime happened.
102
00:04:41,816 --> 00:04:43,684
They own the chickens
and are responsible
103
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,887
for the damages
to their neighbor's business.
104
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:50,191
-Oh, technically, uh,
they're not our neighbors,
105
00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:52,026
since we're squattin'.
106
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:58,365
-Technically, you're not
charged with that, so shush!
107
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:02,203
-You know what they say.
108
00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:04,471
Home is where the heart is.
109
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,107
And in our case,
the hearts are
110
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:09,610
in the bathtub full of ice
until we can find a buyer.
111
00:05:11,245 --> 00:05:13,480
-Permission
to approach the bench.
112
00:05:14,916 --> 00:05:16,918
I would like to ask
for a continuance
113
00:05:16,951 --> 00:05:19,120
so I can educate my clients
on their right to remain silent
114
00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:22,657
and to go pick up some duct tape
in order to enforce that right.
115
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,092
-Well, Dan,
I'm feeling generous,
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00:05:25,126 --> 00:05:26,661
so I can offer you a plea deal.
117
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:30,064
I mean, yeah, you'll lose,
but, honestly,
118
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,466
I can't think of anybody
who could win this case.
119
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,069
-A good lawyer
can win this case,
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00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,604
regardless of what
the evidence is
121
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:39,207
or what the law
clearly states or...
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00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,109
which gods hate my clients.
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00:05:42,143 --> 00:05:43,911
-Hey. It's fine with me.
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00:05:43,945 --> 00:05:47,480
Watching men struggle
is one of life's great joys.
125
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,784
-I'll allow it. I don't
understand it, but I love it.
126
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:51,652
I'm excited but I'm impartial,
so I will allow it,
127
00:05:51,686 --> 00:05:53,754
which is all I will say,
even though I said much more.
128
00:05:53,788 --> 00:05:55,523
Court adjourned.
129
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,626
-Look, Judge.
Your boyfriend is here.
130
00:05:58,659 --> 00:05:59,760
-Oh.
131
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:01,529
-Why is he hugging
the Wheelers?
132
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,396
-I mean,
t-that doesn't mean anything.
133
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:05,266
I hug strangers all the time.
134
00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:08,468
I hug the Domino's guy
when I'm really hungry.
135
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:13,107
-Oh! That's what's wrong
with him. He's a Wheeler.
136
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,909
-It could be worse.
137
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,477
-Myom-myom-myom-myom!
138
00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:20,514
-Never mind.
That's as bad as it gets.
139
00:06:25,019 --> 00:06:26,787
-Okay. Look.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
140
00:06:26,821 --> 00:06:28,689
They have a strong case
against you,
141
00:06:28,723 --> 00:06:32,627
especially given how much
you admit to all the charges.
142
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:35,563
-As Dan's paralegal,
I'd like to go on record
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00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,766
as saying
you have excellent snacks.
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00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,202
-Murray.
-Hm?
145
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:42,536
-That's chicken feed.
-Are you sure?
146
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:44,772
-There's a chicken on the bag!
147
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:47,808
-So Frosted Flakes
are just for tigers?
148
00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:49,844
And you have to be a sea captain
to enjoy
149
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:52,113
the mouth-cutting delight
that is Cap'n Crunch?
150
00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:55,917
You -- [ Chuckles ]
You sound ridiculous, Dan!
151
00:06:55,950 --> 00:06:57,251
-Can he be our lawyer?
152
00:06:57,285 --> 00:07:00,054
-Oh! You can't afford me.
153
00:07:01,656 --> 00:07:03,524
-Alright. Look.
You're only guilty
154
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,960
if the prosecution can prove
that you own those chickens.
155
00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:08,229
And I can win this
if you just don't admit
156
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,496
to owning those birds!
157
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,232
-But those are our bir--
-Stop!
158
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,566
-We are the ow--
-Don't!
159
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,168
-We're the only parents
they ever ha--
160
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,103
-Shoosh!
161
00:07:16,137 --> 00:07:18,471
As far as you're concerned,
those birds flew to the city
162
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:21,642
to make it big on Broadway.
163
00:07:21,676 --> 00:07:26,414
-Oh, look! Santa's made it
to the Island of Misfit Toys.
164
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,349
-Hey, Miss Julianne.
165
00:07:28,382 --> 00:07:30,084
Guess what we're not
supposed to say we own,
166
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,820
except that we do.
-You just -- Would you --
167
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,487
Hey, Bob. Here.
Here's a quarter.
168
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:35,957
Go buy a gumball
or something else
169
00:07:35,990 --> 00:07:39,327
that'll fit perfectly
in your esophagus.
170
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,563
-I have an esophagus, too,
you know.
171
00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:51,305
-Dan, I'm gonna tell you
the same thing I told my shrink.
172
00:07:51,339 --> 00:07:53,174
You're wasting your time.
173
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,676
And you are not gonna be happy
174
00:07:55,710 --> 00:07:57,979
when you see the surprise
I have in store for you.
175
00:07:58,012 --> 00:08:00,181
-The joke's on you.
I'm never happy.
176
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,483
Look. She must have
a surprise witness.
177
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:05,519
Find out who it is.
-Oh, I don't know, Dan.
178
00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:07,021
She went to a lot of trouble.
179
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,690
Are you sure you want
to ruin the surprise?
180
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:15,262
-Alright.
Crash Wheeler pros and cons.
181
00:08:15,296 --> 00:08:17,765
The pros are obvious.
Cute. Sweet.
182
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,367
Carries himself
with the confidence
183
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,869
of a man with six to eight abs.
184
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,505
-I don't know
if this is a pro or con,
185
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,908
but his whole family is cursed.
186
00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:31,479
-Okay, but we don't know
that he's cursed.
187
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:33,347
He's not like them
in other ways.
188
00:08:33,381 --> 00:08:37,084
I mean, he looks like he's at
least aware of indoor plumbing.
189
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:40,588
There's only one way
to find out.
190
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:43,090
Hey, Crash!
-Mnh! Inviting the curse over?
191
00:08:43,124 --> 00:08:44,458
What's the point of ranting
192
00:08:44,492 --> 00:08:46,961
if you're just
gonna do it anyway?
193
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:49,430
-Hey, Abby.
This is my sister, Carol Ann.
194
00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:51,298
-Nice to see you again, Judge!
195
00:08:51,332 --> 00:08:55,269
Well, nice to see anything
after staring at that eclipse.
196
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:03,944
-So, I was thinking
it might be good
197
00:09:03,978 --> 00:09:05,913
to get to know each other
a little better.
198
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:09,518
Like, what's your favorite food?
What's your favorite animal?
199
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,286
Are you the victim
of an ancient hillbilly curse?
200
00:09:13,421 --> 00:09:15,656
-My brother
is definitely cursed.
201
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:18,259
Do you know this dummy has a job
202
00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:20,661
and he don't even
get paid for it?
203
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:23,764
-It's called volunteering.
204
00:09:23,798 --> 00:09:25,666
I help at
the Boys & Girls Club.
205
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:29,570
-Oh, yeah? Well, he was in
an institution for four years.
206
00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,772
-College.
207
00:09:31,806 --> 00:09:33,774
I graduated from UPenn.
208
00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:36,177
-Short for U-Penitentiary.
209
00:09:36,911 --> 00:09:39,647
-I assume you know it's not.
210
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,749
-So, just to be clear,
211
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:43,717
you're a hottie
with an Ivy League degree?
212
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:46,487
-Which you've applied
towards helping America's youth?
213
00:09:46,521 --> 00:09:48,923
-All while using those muscles
to flip tires
214
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:52,159
and flail big ropes
in your private sweat cathedral?
215
00:09:57,231 --> 00:09:59,433
-See? What a zero.
216
00:09:59,467 --> 00:10:02,069
He don't even talk good
like we done.
217
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,371
[ Cellphone dings ]
218
00:10:04,405 --> 00:10:06,707
-I have to run.
Red Cross is calling
219
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,676
about an emergency
blood donation.
220
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:12,046
I'm a universal donor,
so I'm everybody's type.
221
00:10:13,314 --> 00:10:15,082
-Yeah, you are.
-Yeah, you are.
222
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:21,188
-Uh, what's a four-letter word
for breakfast?
223
00:10:21,222 --> 00:10:23,757
Oh. Never mind. It's sudoku.
224
00:10:25,426 --> 00:10:27,962
-Oh. There you are. Tell me
you found the surprise witness
225
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:31,065
and you weren't sidetracked
by a balloon again.
226
00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,700
-That balloon
looked just like me.
227
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,169
If anything,
I didn't look at it enough.
228
00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:36,971
But, Dan, Dan, Dan. Focus.
229
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:39,773
I followed Julianne all night,
and, boy, was it fruitful.
230
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:42,309
[ Clears throat ] "9:15.
231
00:10:42,343 --> 00:10:45,045
J...exits courthouse.
232
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:48,916
Receives mysterious package
from man at a cart.
233
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:52,686
Package turns out
to be a hot dog."
234
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:57,158
Then there's a lot of stuff
here about that hot dog.
235
00:10:57,191 --> 00:10:58,425
Oh! Here we go.
236
00:10:58,459 --> 00:11:00,427
"9:15 again.
237
00:11:00,461 --> 00:11:04,165
I realize
it can't still be 9:15.
238
00:11:04,198 --> 00:11:06,800
My watch must be dead.
239
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:12,373
9:15 -- I ask J for the time.
240
00:11:12,406 --> 00:11:16,210
She says to stop
'following' her."
241
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,980
-How is this fruitful?
242
00:11:20,014 --> 00:11:23,585
-Reconvening!
People vs. Bob and June Wheeler.
243
00:11:23,618 --> 00:11:26,187
-Oh. Look at us,
reconvening like a real court.
244
00:11:26,220 --> 00:11:27,656
I'm proud of us.
245
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:29,924
-Your Honor,
I'd like to call a witness.
246
00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,259
Ms. Carol Ann Wheeler.
247
00:11:32,293 --> 00:11:33,827
[ All gasp ]
248
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:36,230
-Well, I'll be damned.
249
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:40,201
She has the same name
as our daughter!
250
00:11:40,234 --> 00:11:42,102
And her face, too!
251
00:11:43,204 --> 00:11:45,072
-Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,
252
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,874
and nothing but the truth,
and try to use correct grammar
253
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,409
so we can all follow it?
254
00:11:48,442 --> 00:11:50,645
-I did.
255
00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:52,947
-Ms. Wheeler, where do you work?
256
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:55,883
-I'm a feed rep for
General Frumpton's Chicken Feed.
257
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:58,986
Frumpton's: it's what
the thing you eat eats.
258
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:03,224
-Carol Ann, tell me.
Whose name is signed
259
00:12:03,257 --> 00:12:06,193
on this invoice
for 20 pounds of chicken feed?
260
00:12:06,227 --> 00:12:09,263
-Oh! I'd recognize
that big X anywhere.
261
00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:13,501
That's my daddy's signature.
Bobert Wheeler.
262
00:12:13,535 --> 00:12:15,570
-Uh, Your Honor, objection.
263
00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:17,905
Purchasing feed
does not prove ownership.
264
00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:21,308
I happen to recall a woman
who bought a number of cat toys
265
00:12:21,342 --> 00:12:23,210
but never actually owned a --
-Ah. Sustained.
266
00:12:23,244 --> 00:12:25,614
Movin' right along.
267
00:12:25,647 --> 00:12:27,381
-I'd also like
to enter into evidence
268
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,816
this thank-you note
269
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,686
written in
Mrs. Wheeler's handwriting.
270
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,722
-"Thank you for being
the best big sister
271
00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:34,989
us chickens could ask for.
272
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:36,558
The feed was delicious.
273
00:12:36,591 --> 00:12:38,325
Lots of cluck,
Edna, Otis, James..."
274
00:12:38,359 --> 00:12:40,794
Okay. I'm not reading
40 chicken names!
275
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:42,830
-No further questions,
Your Honor.
276
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,431
-It never occurred to you
to mention
277
00:12:44,465 --> 00:12:47,434
that your daughter was your
chicken-feed dealer?
278
00:12:47,468 --> 00:12:50,371
-Why? You need feed?
279
00:12:50,404 --> 00:12:52,906
I can hook it up.
280
00:12:56,477 --> 00:12:58,379
-I don't know.
I got to be missing something.
281
00:12:58,412 --> 00:13:00,047
No chicken could cause that kind
of damage to a massage parlor.
282
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,782
I mean,
what kind of crazy chicken
283
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,753
pecks hot stones into gravel?!
284
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:08,289
-Two words! Foghorn Leghorn!
285
00:13:08,322 --> 00:13:11,925
You find that cartoon chicken,
we blow this case wide open!
286
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,995
-Murray. Murray. Calm down.
We can figure this out.
287
00:13:15,029 --> 00:13:17,565
Now, tell me. What kind of dirt
did you dig up on Carol Ann?
288
00:13:17,599 --> 00:13:19,900
-Oh. Lots of dirt.
Lots of dirt.
289
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,604
And twigs.
And abandoned shoelaces.
290
00:13:22,637 --> 00:13:24,938
-What the -- Hey! What?!
What the hell?!
291
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,574
I'm trying to build a case here!
292
00:13:26,608 --> 00:13:28,442
What are you doing,
making a nest?!
293
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,911
-I didn't like the way
those papers were looking at me.
294
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:34,848
And I heard
what those shoelaces said!
295
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,483
-Murray.
-Hm?
296
00:13:36,518 --> 00:13:38,720
-How long have you been
eating Frumpton's feed?
297
00:13:38,753 --> 00:13:41,589
-I don't know. One sunrise.
298
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:45,694
-Murray, I think
you just saved my case.
299
00:13:45,727 --> 00:13:47,895
That food is poison!
300
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:50,464
You gotta promise me
you will not stop eating it
301
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,534
until we beat Julianne.
302
00:13:52,567 --> 00:13:54,868
-You know I won't.
-Oh! Ha ha!
303
00:13:54,902 --> 00:13:57,572
Alright. [ Stammers ]
304
00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:03,110
-These are beautiful.
305
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,179
-My family thinks
flowers are a waste of money.
306
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,715
That's why at their wedding
307
00:14:06,748 --> 00:14:08,916
Mama threw a bouquet
of hose parts.
308
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:15,022
-Sorry. What?
I was just thinking about
309
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,925
how your jaw line
could cut fudge!
310
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:20,928
-Hi, Crash!
311
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,430
Girl, calm down.
There's no need to yell.
312
00:14:23,464 --> 00:14:25,366
-I'll see you tonight.
313
00:14:25,399 --> 00:14:27,401
-So you're going out
with a Wheeler?
314
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,738
-Yep. And he brought me
these beautiful flowers...
315
00:14:29,771 --> 00:14:31,238
[ Hissing ]
316
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:34,108
...that are, for some reason,
hissing at me.
317
00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,777
-Maybe because they were picked
318
00:14:35,810 --> 00:14:38,979
by a cursed man
from a cursed garden.
319
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:40,447
-Would a cursed man be taking me
320
00:14:40,481 --> 00:14:42,282
to a hot new
Italian restaurant tonight?
321
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:44,451
-By any chance,
is it Nicolazzo's?
322
00:14:44,485 --> 00:14:46,019
-Oh, yeah.
Have you heard good things?
323
00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:48,489
-It's burning down right now.
324
00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:57,064
-[ Hissing ]
-Ooh!
325
00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:02,403
-Ms. Wheeler,
you recognize this man?
326
00:15:02,436 --> 00:15:06,306
-No, but he kinda looks like
a balloon I saw once.
327
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,943
-This is Murray Flobert,
a loving husband,
328
00:15:09,977 --> 00:15:12,379
a respected judge,
329
00:15:12,413 --> 00:15:13,947
a song-and-dance man.
330
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:16,183
-It's song or dance man!
331
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:19,253
I cannot do them together!
No one can!
332
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:24,526
-But lately,
he has been quick to rage.
333
00:15:24,559 --> 00:15:27,161
What's changed? His diet.
334
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:30,297
He's been eating
General Frumpton's feed,
335
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,902
the same feed that was given
to the Wheelers' chickens.
336
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:36,103
-If the defense
wants to waste people's time
337
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:37,872
with unfounded claims,
then he should just
338
00:15:37,906 --> 00:15:40,642
bitch to his doorman
like a normal New Yorker!
339
00:15:42,176 --> 00:15:45,012
-There is nothin' in our feed
that would cause violence.
340
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,947
The only side effect
is happy birds
341
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:50,384
with the biggest chicken
knockers you've ever seen!
342
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:56,056
-Perhaps you wouldn't mind
demonstrating to us
343
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:59,359
how harmless the feed is by...
344
00:16:00,895 --> 00:16:02,797
...eating it.
-Objection! No.
345
00:16:02,831 --> 00:16:04,566
This is clearly
food for animals.
346
00:16:04,599 --> 00:16:06,801
There's -- There's
a chicken on the bag.
347
00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:08,368
-So you have to be a leprechaun
348
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:10,705
to enjoy the
chalky marshmallow hell
349
00:16:10,738 --> 00:16:12,574
that is Lucky Charms?!
350
00:16:13,474 --> 00:16:16,310
-That logic is bulletproof.
Overruled.
351
00:16:17,679 --> 00:16:19,046
-It's fine. [ Chuckles ]
352
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,816
I'd be delighted
to have a tasty bite. Mmm!
353
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:26,420
Can Really taste the corn
and the -- and the millet. Mmm!
354
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,656
Nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum,
nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum!
355
00:16:28,690 --> 00:16:33,360
-Let the record show that the
witness is clearly fake eating
356
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:38,098
and that her space work
is middling at best.
357
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:41,001
Why won't you eat the feed,
Carol Ann?
358
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:44,171
Why won't you eat the feed?!
359
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,007
-Because it's full
of steroids
360
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,077
and I'm happy with
the size of my knockers!
361
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,348
-So the chickens' violence
362
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,450
is not the Wheelers' fault
at all!
363
00:16:56,483 --> 00:17:01,188
The blame falls squarely
on General Frumpton's shoulders!
364
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:03,925
No more questions, Your Honor.
-You may step down.
365
00:17:03,958 --> 00:17:05,660
-As a reformed arsonist,
I'm not so sure
366
00:17:05,693 --> 00:17:08,228
you're supposed to be
this close to me because,
367
00:17:08,262 --> 00:17:10,698
hoo-hoo, I'm on fire!
368
00:17:11,966 --> 00:17:14,434
-[ Sighs ]
Freakin' Wheelers.
369
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:16,771
They may be the most
insufferable family
370
00:17:16,804 --> 00:17:20,107
I've ever met, and I went
camping with the Mansons.
371
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:23,143
-Alright. Listen. We did it.
372
00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:24,746
Now all you have to do
is testify
373
00:17:24,779 --> 00:17:27,815
that you gave the feed
to the chickens, and we win.
374
00:17:27,849 --> 00:17:29,283
-Seems simple enough.
-Yeah.
375
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:33,253
-Your Honor,
we change our plea to guilty.
376
00:17:34,889 --> 00:17:39,459
-We're taking the deal that
flight attendant offered us.
377
00:17:41,395 --> 00:17:42,997
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?!
378
00:17:43,031 --> 00:17:44,666
I object! Wait.
379
00:17:44,699 --> 00:17:46,433
Can I object to my own clients?
380
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:48,670
-Well, you know,
when life gives you lemons,
381
00:17:48,703 --> 00:17:52,205
you don't ask
why the lemons are so stupid.
382
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,241
You got a deal.
-[ Groans ]
383
00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:56,544
-Okay. Court is adjourned.
384
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:02,717
I want it on the record.
This is in no way curse-related.
385
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,188
-I can't believe I lost.
386
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,891
-I can't believe I won.
387
00:18:09,924 --> 00:18:12,292
I mean, I knew I'd win until
the moment I thought you'd won,
388
00:18:12,326 --> 00:18:14,662
and then
I couldn't believe I won.
389
00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:18,800
-You know, I'm getting sick
of defending people.
390
00:18:18,833 --> 00:18:20,434
Oh! Wait.
391
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,503
What does a lighthouse keeper
pull down these days?
392
00:18:22,537 --> 00:18:25,873
I mean,
I've already got the beard.
393
00:18:25,907 --> 00:18:28,342
And I love being alone.
-Yeah.
394
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:29,844
Well, for what it's worth,
395
00:18:29,877 --> 00:18:32,080
you did a hell of a job
up there.
396
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:33,748
[ Chuckles ]
-You too.
397
00:18:33,781 --> 00:18:36,350
Actually, it's the best fun
I've had in quite a while
398
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,185
till the Wheelers
threw me under the bus.
399
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:41,455
-Well, as the bus,
it was my favorite part.
400
00:18:42,690 --> 00:18:44,224
-Hey, there, Mr. Fielding!
401
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,527
-Bye, there, Mr. Fielding!
402
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:50,832
-We just wanted to say
thank you.
403
00:18:50,865 --> 00:18:53,166
-Because of your
good lawyering,
404
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,037
General Frumpton
gave us a financial reward
405
00:18:56,070 --> 00:18:57,739
in exchange for our silence.
406
00:18:57,772 --> 00:18:59,406
-So that's why you took
the plea deal, huh?
407
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:01,141
Screwed me
for a little bit of money.
408
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:04,812
-It was a lot of bit of money.
-Yeah...
409
00:19:04,846 --> 00:19:06,781
-But some of it is for you.
410
00:19:06,814 --> 00:19:08,181
-No, I don't want your curse.
411
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:11,753
[ Coughing ] Ohh!
412
00:19:11,786 --> 00:19:13,521
$300,000?
413
00:19:13,554 --> 00:19:17,025
-We're using the rest to open
our own theme park --
414
00:19:17,058 --> 00:19:19,661
Wheeler World.
415
00:19:19,694 --> 00:19:23,196
It's like a water park
but with mud.
416
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,636
-We're looking for investors.
417
00:19:32,540 --> 00:19:36,878
-Yes. I would, um,
like to invest in my future.
418
00:19:36,911 --> 00:19:38,211
There you go.
419
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:41,181
Please...never come back.
420
00:19:44,418 --> 00:19:46,754
-We could never quit him.
421
00:19:50,958 --> 00:19:52,259
-Still no word from Abby.
422
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:55,096
-No, but I have
a Google alert set
423
00:19:55,129 --> 00:19:58,398
for "blonde, judge,
terrible accident."
424
00:19:58,432 --> 00:20:00,735
[ Cellphone dings ]
425
00:20:00,768 --> 00:20:02,570
Oh. False alarm.
426
00:20:02,603 --> 00:20:06,040
Heidi Klum
fell off a trampoline.
427
00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:10,044
-There's someone who hasn't
been struck by indoor lightning!
428
00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:12,279
Did your date go well?
-Mm-hmm.
429
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,582
-Did you get a good-night kiss?
-Mm-hmm.
430
00:20:14,615 --> 00:20:16,150
-Did that kiss
do something to you
431
00:20:16,184 --> 00:20:18,318
that makes it hard
for you to speak?
432
00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:21,288
-[Wheeler-esque]
What makes ya say that?
433
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,990
-Why are you talking
like a Wheeler?
434
00:20:23,024 --> 00:20:25,693
-[ Gasps ] The curse!
435
00:20:25,727 --> 00:20:27,494
-It's not a curse.
436
00:20:27,528 --> 00:20:30,164
What it was, was we was
kissing in the French style,
437
00:20:30,198 --> 00:20:32,299
and I had a reaction
to the shrimp he ate.
438
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:35,235
So now my lips are numb
and my tongue is big.
439
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:38,438
-Abby, if this is what happens
after only one date,
440
00:20:38,472 --> 00:20:40,440
we're all in grave danger.
441
00:20:40,474 --> 00:20:43,544
-Come on! There's no
such thing as a curse.
442
00:20:46,981 --> 00:20:48,716
-Okay. Look.
443
00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:50,484
There's a great person
out there for you.
444
00:20:50,518 --> 00:20:52,053
-But you're never gonna find him
445
00:20:52,086 --> 00:20:54,287
if a piano lands on your head.
446
00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:56,891
-Dagnabbit.
You guys are so sweet.
447
00:20:56,924 --> 00:20:58,726
-Oh, hell no!
-Get that cursed monkey paw
448
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,895
away from me!
449
00:21:00,928 --> 00:21:04,198
-Okay. Fine. I'll call it off.
450
00:21:04,232 --> 00:21:07,300
"Crash. We can't see
each other no more.
451
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:09,137
Goodbye forever."
452
00:21:09,170 --> 00:21:10,872
There. Did it.
453
00:21:10,905 --> 00:21:12,740
[ Glass shatters ]
454
00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:20,948
Fine. I'll done do it
for real this time.
455
00:21:23,785 --> 00:21:24,919
It's funny!
34959
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