Original subtitles

♪

Woman: Aah! Oh!

Aah!

Aah! Aah--

Bridget: Don't you just love true crime?

Killer strangers, strange husbands,

cults that first seem like a good networking opportunity

but the next thing you know, you're getting branded

with the image of a goat man?

Then come on down to Grimsburg's first-ever

convention for crime lovers, Crime-Con.

Meet and greets, merch, and more live murder podcasts

than you could ever not listen to.

So, come to Crime-Con.

It's the closest thing to murder, without really dying!

Mayor Dilquez: Don't you just love a convention?

Then come on down to Grimsburg's

43rd Annual Con-Con,

a convention for conventions.

From Crime-Con to Comic Con

to Chaka Con and everything in between.

So, if you're a fan of fandom, come to Con-Con,

where ain't nobody loves fans better.

Woman: Don't you just love when the show has

a big, bloody, violent opening? Aah!

[Theme music plays]

Flute: Multiple dismemberments. Necklaces made out of teeth.

That means the identity of the killer

can only be-- [School bell rings]

We'll pick it up there on Monday.

Kang: So I'm running security at Con-Con this weekend,

and I could use a couple of extra hands.

Flute: Have some self-respect, Kang.

Nobody wants to be security.

That's the lowest form of law enforcement

next to mall cops, doormen, and mouthguards.

Kang: Wynona, you're young and, therefore, broke.

Wanna make some extra money you'll never save?

Wynona: I actually do quite well.

You'd be surprised how much change

I find inside of people.

Flute: See, I knew she would turn you down.

And I don't even know anything about

bloody gloves jacket girl.

Wynona: It goes both ways.

The more I learn about Flute,

the more it bums me out.

It's like reading a bio of a shelter dog, but sadder.

Flute: But, Kang, since you'll be there, you should stop by

my booth at Crime-Con and get a pic with me.

Summers: You have a booth? Flute: That's right.

It's a chance to give something back to my fans.

For $10. cash only.

I don't know how Bit Corn works.

And I'm gonna need lots of merch for my die-hard Flautists.

I can sell this and this and this.

Wynona: Hey. Flute: And this.

See you at the convention. [Grunting]

Summers: I'm pretty sure that was my desk.

Pentos: Once I am done with you today,

your brains will be twisted, your minds warped,

your fundamental idea of life itself totally--uhh.

[Sigh] Does everyone have a field trip buddy?

♪

[Gasp] [Thud]

♪

[Cricket chirping]

[Flute grumbles] Summers: First and last.

My lucky day.

Flute: Where are all my fans?

Summers: I think they're at their booths.

♪

Flute: They're obsessed with killers?

This is a crime against crime.

Summers: Does the line go with you?

Pentos: Historically, our annual field trip

is to a program called Scared Straight.

But now that being straight has become problematic,

we had to shift.

Gears. Anyway, we're going to...

Ah, change of plans, Stan.

You're in charge now. Pretend you're me.

Stan: An underpaid public school teacher?

Ooh, manifestation is real! What do I do?

Pentos: Why are you children always such children?

Just take them there.

[Screaming inside]

[Kids cheering]

Mr. Flesh: 18+? Finally,

your one chance to see a nipple,

even if it is attached to a woman on a meat hook.

Flute: Bridget. Hi. I need to ask you about--

Bridget: My teeth were too small for Invisalign.

Flute: What? No. It's about my booth.

All the fans are lined up for bad guys.

They're supposed to worship good guys

in an unhealthy, parasocial way.

Bridget: That's how it used to be, but after

all the true crime podcasts and Netflix docudramas,

now all they care about are psycho killers and which

Hollywood mop with perfect teeth will play them.

And they're only perfect because they usually have veneers.

Flute: Kind of feels like you're the only one talking about teeth.

Woman: Damien!

♪

Harmony: I'm with Damien Flescher, who last year

confessed to eating 31 people.

Since his incarceration, he's become a reformed cannibal

and bestselling author

of the vegan cookbook "Tastes Like Kevin."

Damien, do you ever miss eating human flesh?

Damien: I don't. If you put a fresh corpse

in front of me right now, I'd say,

"Let me get my hands on him!"

[All gasp]

Damien: So I can gently

shut his eyes with my fingers.

All: Aww.

Flute: Who's actually buying this?

Wynona: Hey! Eat me, Damien!

Flute: Something about this guy leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

♪

Reformed cannibal? You sure about that?

Pinocchio Flescher: I swear! I'm a real vegan boy!

I haven't eaten people in years!

Flute: Not according to your nose boner.

[Munching] [Door opens]

Geppetto: And just to be clear, there's a perfectly logical

reason why I make a little boy.

Nothing fishy going on.

Flute: I never said there was.

Geppetto: Good, because there's not.

And he's not a real boy.

He's the one who keep'a saying that.

He a fake boy. So, that means

I'm a-good.

This a big gray area.

Flute: Aah!

Flescher's a fraud

and Geppetto's a Geppetto-phile.

Damn, you always think of the best line after it's over.

♪

Pentos: Ahem.

Pentostonix 1: What hath we here?

The glasses are passable. The belt's a bit shabby.

But the ankle bracelet? Divine.

Wherever did you find it?

Pentos: The Grimsburg Institute for the Criminally Insane

Parole Board, because I am Dr. Rufis Pentos.

Pentostonix 1: Mm, not quite. Watch me.

I am Dr. Rufis Pentos!

Pentostonix 2: No, it needs to sound more like you're mid-yawn.

I am Dr. Rufis Pentos.

Pentostonix 3: Uh, no, no, more like you're scared of your tongue.

Yai yam dowtor Roofyos Pyentyos!

Pentos: What? But I sound nothing like that.

Pentostonix 3: Mm-hmm. Closer.

Pentostonix 1: And perhaps one day, you could join us.

The Pentostonix, a 5-piece

Pentos fan club-slash- a cappella group.

Pentos: If I wasn't the real Pentos,

how would I have this scar from the 1997 Zamboni heist?

Or this one from my third Office Depot bombing?

Or these behind my ears from my failed facial transplant

and not at all from a botched facelift

I am still in litigation over?

Pentostonix 1: It is you! You are...

All: ♪ Pentos♪

[Laughter]

Flute: I'm positive Flescher's still eating people.

You can't fake sobriety with me. Or orgasms.

Can't fake it if I'm already finished.

Summers: Um, is there a Fast Pass to get a picture with you?

Because my grandma's in hospice and I--

Flute: Once Flescher's fans see me bust him,

they'll realize they've been obsessing over

the wrong guy and be all mine.

But to do that, I'll need a hand.

Up top. Wow. So smooth.

Wonder what the rest of your body looked like.

Stop.

Ohh, all right.

♪

Kang: Ahem. VIP pass?

Flute: It's me. Is this because I insulted

your very insultable security job?

Kang: You mean the position that is ironically

now the one thing standing in your way,

and if you had taken the offer, we could have

spent rare quality time

outside of the office?

No. Dut dut dut dut.

No VIP pass, no entry.

Now get out of here before I have to shine my

indestructible flashlight at you.

Think I won't? Try me.

Wynona: Great. Now I'll never meet Flescher

so that he can fall in love with me and I can

ultimately fix him because that

always works with bad boys!

Flute: You know, maybe if we worked together--

Wynona: Now you want to work with me? When we're not at work?

Flute: Look, I keep my distance for your safety.

The moment I show attention to a woman,

their minds begin to dream

and before you know it, you're writing

"Mrs. Wynona Flute" all over

the cadavers you're autopsying.

Wynona: I'll give this a shot as long as

you're not trying to be my friend.

We have a really good nothing going.

Flute: Fine by me. Wynona: Glad we're in agreement.

Flute: Oh, God. You're falling already.

Pentos: And that is how I rigged

Jeremy Renner's snowplow to eat his legs.

Pentostonix 1: So, what are you up to now?

Pentos: Ya know, scheming up a big old plan.

Stan: Dr. Pentos! Sorry it took so long.

We had to sift through the body's

lower intestine to find the key.

I'll take them to lunch now.

Pentos: Ahh. I suppose now you know the truth.

Pentostonix 1: You're a teacher...

at a school for the criminally gifted.

Pentos: Yes! That's exactly the truth I meant.

Pentostonix 2: And your big scheme is here at Con-Con?

Pentos: Ha ha! Can't fool my fans.

Pentostonix 3: Syo it's Yozen's Leven year yolds?

Pentos: I'm sorry. Could you say that again, Dave?

Pentostonix 1: He said it's Ocean's 11-year-olds.

You must let us watch.

Pentos: Anything for my stans!

Nedward: Mr. Pentos, I looked at a light too long

and now I can only see a big, dark circle.

Pentos: This kid? Total psycho.

Wynona: There's gotta be one convention that can help us

get into the VIP room.

Flute: CondimentCon. Wrath of Con.

Oh, my God. Connie Britton Con?!

Wynona: [Gasp] Wait. You love Connie Britton, too?

Flute: Of course. She's the perfect combo of

high class and low hairline.

Wynona: "Friday Night Lights" was the reason

I became the first female kicker

for my high school football team.

Flute: And "Nashville" was the reason I tried to become

the reigning queen of country.

Wynona: That's so funny. Flute: I know.

Both: Ahem. Flute: We should...

Wynona: Uh, yeah, let's get that pass.

♪

Ugh. [Munch]

Woman: That's two tickets to ConCussion for two people.

$2.00 per ticket, for two tickets,

for two people. People for $2.00...

Flute: So, why are you such a big fan of Flescher? The guy ate a senator.

Wynona: I don't like him because he's a cannibal.

I like him because he's a genius.

He built a brand for himself as the sexy outcast,

proving you can be both weird and hot

no matter how disturbing your interests are.

Flescher's just misunderstood, like me,

and honestly, kind of like you.

Flute: I'm misunderstood? [Scoffs] I don't understand.

Wynona: Everyone sees you as this arrogant narcissist,

but I think that's what makes you

Grimsburg's best detective.

Flute: Huh. It's weird hearing someone other than

me and my coffee mug say that.

Wynona: Well, the detective bar is pretty low.

Kang can't even solve the mystery of

how to buy a properly sized coat.

Flute: Have you seen Summers interrogating a suspect?

It's like watching a cast member at Disneyland help a lost kid.

Wynona: And Martinez thinks her accent can stop a criminal.

[New York accent] We get it. You're from New York. You're working here.

[Both laugh]

Wynona: I don't feel so good.

Did we just become work friends?

Flute: Impossible. There was probably something off

with those breakfast tacos we shared like friends.

Oh, son of a bitch. Ew ew ew ew.

Wynona: Oh, God. What if Harmony saw us becoming friends?

Flute: That's it! Harmony's here,

and she's press, which means...

Both: She can get us into VIP!

Wynona: Uhh! Flute: Ha ha ha! Uhh!

Woman: For people dollars for two tickets, for two people,

for dollars for two tickets, for two dol--

Pentos: Ha ha ha ha! It is now time

for the talent portion of the field trip.

Who has a special skill? Like, say, demolitions?

Computer hacking? Perhaps a wheelman?

Khaleesi: I can do a cartwheel!

Stan: I can make my finger do this!

Nedward: I can make my body go liquid

and crawl under doors like a cat.

[Pentos sighs]

Harmony: Reporting live from Walk-Con,

the convention for celebrity walk-ons,

I'm here with writer and actress Tina Fey.

Tina: Really great to be here.

Harmony: Thank you for stopping by, Tina.

Tina: That's all I get-- Harmony: It's a walk-on, Teenz.

One line only. Kang?

Tina: Uh--

Harmony: Uhh! Uhh.

♪

Harmony: Oh. Heh.

Flute: You got something on your chin.

♪

Harmony: Ha ha.

♪

Wow. My chin is so sticky.

Flute: Keep an eye out. We can't get Kang-blocked.

Or "Man-Kangled." "Kang-kles"?

"Kankles"? How'd I get here?

Wynona: What if he doesn't find me as sexy

as he does in all my fanfictions? [Gasp]

♪

I can't do this. Flute: Yes, you can.

I've seen you elbow deep in a man's large intestine

while also eating a corncob--

a historically two-handed activity.

You can do this.

Mr. Flescher. Hi. I'm a producer.

Dr. A. Producer.

We're working on a docu-series

about cannibal docu-serieses.

Flescher: I'd love to. I feed off

my fans'...attention.

Ha ha ha ha!

Flute: How about an interview...

over lunch?

♪

Pentos: OK, time to explain our heist plan

as if an audience was too stupid to follow along. Hit it!

[Pentostonix singing "Mission: Impossible" theme]

Pentos: Khaleesi, we'll need your gymnastics

to navigate the security system.

[Alarm blaring] Khaleesi: Ah!

Ohh. [Crying] [Singing continues]

Pentos: If we are to stand any chance of robbing this joint,

we will need... [Singing continues]

a double one. [Singing continues]

And lastly, the vault. It's locked up air tight,

but not liquid tight.

[Singing continues]

Nedward: Ow! [Singing continues]

♪ Ahh!

Pentos: Walking into a vault with my fingers

ever so lightly tented?

How I've missed this.

Now for master plan part deux-- Nedward: Mr. Pentos, I have to--

Pentos: I'm not finished with my evil plan!

[Kids gasp] Pentos: And I pray

none of you have an allergy to nuts!

[Laughs]

Flute: Would you like some filet mign-arm?

Flescher: Cute. It's shaped like an arm.

[Chewing]

What is this? Chickpeas? Tempeh?

Flute: Try 100% free-range human.

Wynona: This wasn't part of our plan.

Flute: You miss it, don't you?

Gnawing on the elbow like a drumstick.

Spitting out the nails like sunflower seeds.

I know you're still eating people.

And now all your fans will, too.

Or should I say "my new fans" now that they've seen me?

Flescher: Uhh! Security!

Flute: But my crime mind said you were still a cannibal.

It's never wrong! Uhh!

Bridget: Kang, get 'em out of here!

[Flute grunting]

[Flute and Wynona grunt]

Kang: Consider yourselves Kang-banged.

Flute: Kang-banged! Damn, it was right there.

Flute: Ugh. I can't believe my crime mind was wrong.

What's next? My gaydar? My women's intuition?

My sense of direction? Which way am I pointing?

Sorth? Nouth? Sweest? Downways?

Wynona: You know what I can't believe?

that you spent the whole day

catfishing our friendship.

At least when Damien chews people up,

he doesn't just spit them out.

He has the decency to swallow. Oh!

Kang: You were all set up for a swallowing joke

and you didn't take the bait.

Flute: Because neither did Flescher.

He didn't swallow.

My crime mind wasn't wrong, I just misread it.

Flescher is a liar. Not because he's still a cannibal,

because he never was one to begin with!

I don't think I should have emphasized that last word.

Kang: And brace yourself, because whoever

ate this arm had braces.

Flute: Bridget. She's a cannibal named Bridget?

Ooh-hoo! This job.

♪

[Stan grunting]

Pentos: Stan, you're falling behind.

Stan: Uhh! I respect the attention to detail,

but why did PirateCon have to only accept gold doubloons? Aah!

♪

[Gasp] Aah! [Pentos grunting]

[Kids grunting]

♪

Pentos: Oh! [Grunting]

♪

Khaleesi: Uhh! You have to let one go!

♪

Pentos: Sorry, Stan. I'm not a teacher. I never was.

I've always been a villain.

Stan: Well, you're my favorite teacher,

and I'm sure this is another one of your amazing lessons,

which I will hopefully figure out before I hit the acid.

♪

[Pentos and Khaleesi grunt]

♪

Pentostonix 1: Why didn't you just let him die?

Pentos: Because this isn't a school

for the criminally gifted.

I'm just a regular teacher

teachering regular psychopaths.

That's who I am now. And if that's

not good enough for you, then maybe you need to find

someone else to be a fan of.

Oh, wow. That was very fast.

Bridget: Ready for "Cooking with Flescher"?

[Crowd cheering]

[Microphone feedback] Flute: Sorry, folks,

but Flescher's not a cannibal.

The real killer is...Bridget!

Bridget: Oh, yeah, I already went over it. I'm the cannibal.

Flescher took credit to build his brand.

Crime-Con was just a ruse to enact my revenge.

There was a whole PowerPoint and everything.

♪

Flute: And you all are OK with that?

Woman: Yeah! We're fans!

We gotta like someone, right?

Flute: Yes. But why obsess over

famous people you'll never meet

when you could be fans of people

you actually can?

You there in the audience. What's the most

interesting thing about you?

Man: Sometimes I go to the hospital

and I switch the babies in the cribs.

Flute: OK, maybe not that guy. But today, I learned

more about Wynona in a few hours

than I have in years of working with her.

Did you know she was a kicker on her high school football team?

Woman: We don't know who Wynona is.

Flute: And neither did I until today.

But now I'm her biggest fan.

Bridget: Nice try, Flute, but my new fans still expect a show!

[Whirring]

♪

My eyes! Uhh!

Kang: Flute, catch.

Flute: Yikes. What's that? Like, 9,000 lumens?

♪

Oh!

♪

[Whirring stops]

[Crowd murmuring]

Kang: What are you waiting for? Go get her.

Oh, God, have I become the rom-com best friend?

Flute: Wynona, wait!

♪

You were right about Flescher. And about me.

Wynona: Uh-uh. If you're gonna give me a speech about

how you set out to find fans but really, you found a friend,

don't, because that will make me puke.

Flute: Yeah, I'm already queasy.

I feel like I do when Summers tries to

find the silver lining in everything.

Wynona as Summers: Well, our squad car

may be on fire, but now

I can see you better.

[Both laugh]

Wynona: Wow. We really did become friends, didn't we?

Now what do we do?

Flute: Maybe we just keep making fun of

our coworkers together

and see where it takes us.

[Camera's shutter clicks] [Whirring]

Summers: Yes! And your eyes are even half-open!

Just hold on a little longer, Grandma.

Wynona: Why is he running? He has jet packs.

Both: Just fly! [Laughing]

Summers: She passed. Flute: Oh.

Pentos: So, when your parents ask what we did today,

what are you going to say?

Kids: Not grand larceny.

Pentos: Perfect. [Kids laugh]

Pentostonix 1: Have fun sculpting the minds

of the next generation! Idiot.

[Explosion]

Pentos: Still got it. [Laughs]

[Coughs] Can I get a sip of that juice box?

Person: Bento. [Crowd cheering]