All language subtitles for The Baldwins s01e05 Glengarry Glen Floss.eng

[Alec] What is this?

It's cheese.

I'm not kidding.

There's cheese on the car.

[Hilaria] I worry about Alec
because we were living

with so much stress
for such a long time

that his OCD
has gotten even worse.

[Alec] Calming cleans me,
and my cleaning calms me.

[Hilaria] You know,
the past few years have been very hard.

[Alec] The opportunities
for jobs have been so few and far between.

Lot of people were--
Lot of people cut my throat.

A lot of people
cut my throat in my business.

I mean, they were like, "Hey."
[chuckles softly] Gone.

People say to me,
"Oh, God, now you can go back

to your life and I go--
"Go back to my life?"

I don't want to go
back to my life.

I want a different life now.

I think it's human nature
to retreat and run and hide.

Because what you're
feeling inside is so awful.

We don't process
something and we go--

But this is how
I'm gonna process it.

This is how.

You can't just
stuff everything down.

[Alec] I am someone
that is the direct result

of what I've been
going through lately.

But you don't go,
"Simon says." [snaps fingers]

"Back to normal."

It takes a long time.

It takes longer
than I imagined.

- [camera shutter clicks]
- [Alec] What are you doing?

[Hilaria] Just ignore him.
He's not worth it.

Don't let him
ruin this beautiful day.

[Alec] I've had my
skirmishes with paparazzi,

and I've had my,
you know, problems.

My relationship
with my daughter, Ireland

was so negatively impacted
by my divorce from her mother

that the media really were
having a party, just insanity.

And really, really tough.

One of my most regrettable
things about the whole thing was how it affected Ireland.

[Hilaria] Oh, hello.

[Alec] They want to come in,
wash their hands and face,

get a snack and a drink
and go in the hot tub.

[Hilaria] Excellent.

Hello, Tiny friend
with new shoes.

[overlapping chatter]

[Hilaria straining]

One.

- Two.
- You'll have to wash up if you want the hot tub...

[imperceptible]

Alec and I are rarely apart.

Where are you going,
Butt crack?

[Hilaria] But also we
are very rarely alone,

especially when
you have seven kids,

[in English]

[Hilaria] Why?
Give me a hug. Tell me.

[in English]

Why did he make you
so sad?

What happened?

[Alec speaking indistinctly
at a distance]

[Hilaria] What happened?

Um, um, um...

[in English]

[Hilaria] Why?

[in English]

- [Hilaria] He's being "Neelo"?
- Yeah.

- [Hilaria speaking]
- [Lulu speaking]

She says, she's mad at you
because you're being Neelo.

What is ne--
I don't know, Neelo is but--

What is Neelo?
You said "Dady you Neelo?

[blows raspberry]

She's mad because
she didn't want to sit--

She didn't want to sit
in the back.

I said, "Go and sit
in the back."

We had an extra person.

We had no seats.
We had no seat for...

- Um...
- [Hilaria] Mmm-hmm. You're sad,

- you had to sit
in the back? - [Alec speaks indistinctly]

[in English]

Um...

[blows raspberry]

How do we deal--
How do we deal with a meltdown?

Please answer the question.

You don't take it
personally.

Don't take a meltdown
personally.

They're gonna yell.
They're gonna yell sometimes.

Oh. my God,
we had seven kids.

Surprise. They're gonna yell.
Get over it.

Well, I've learned,
um... uh, you know,

- from myself and other people.
- [cat meowing]

That children
melting down is better

then the opposite.

Where the kid
keeps everything inside

and is in the corner.

And is just grinding
his teeth or her teeth

and just really, really
far away.

So I'd rather have them

screaming at me
for an hour.

A couple of times
a week, maybe.

[screaming]

[screaming]

No! [crying hysterically]

[screaming and crying]

More or less [chuckles]
maybe less.

You call me Neelo?

You know
what I say to you?

I say,
[blows raspberry] Neelo.

- [Hilaria] Why?
Why are you mad at him? - I'll come over there

and bite you.

[blows raspberry]

[upbeat music playing]

[Dan] What are you
cooking, Hilaria?

I don't really
know yet.

I'm just gonna
make things.

[Dan] There's some
peppers in there.

- [Hilaria] There are peppers
and Shishito peppers. - [Dan] Do you grow stuff here?

We do. We have
a whole beautiful garden that I just went to

and got
all this stuff from.

[Alec] You and Brendan,
like fresh vegetables out of the garden.

I don't-- I don't like
picking this stuff.

But I like eating it.

I love having a full house.

I always grew up
with a very big full house.

I think is one of the reasons
I had so many kids.

And what I love even more

is when the house
is even fuller.

And so two of our friends
are coming to visit us.

[Alec] I want to prove
that I actually have friends

who are adult men

who have careers
and are intelligent people,

I thought of all just,
you know, scraping gum off my rug all day long.

[Hilaria] When you go
to therapy,

it's about self-awareness.

It's about release.

It's about
moving through things.

So when I see him
with his friends,

I think that this
is going to be a big part

Of our healing journey is to

grow and walk forward
with the people

who stood with us
the entire time.

And I'm just so
grateful to them.

[Brendan] I was like,
"Oh, that's nice. Alec got me a robe."

He gave me
a bathrobe for Christmas

Is it in your apartment

- at you house?
- [Dan] Does it have a monogram on it.

- or is it just--
- [Alec] It is in your house you didn't leave it--

[Brendan] But I looked
very regal in it.

[Dan] You can't not look
regal in a robe, though.

It's nice to watch him
chat with them,

- connect with them.
- [imperceptible]

I always hear funny
and interesting stories.

[Brendan] The story
that I think is kind of amazing.

What we were doing
before you met her.

Wait. Are you talking about
when we meet?

Do you remember
that night?

Of course, I do.

That's a very vivid night.

When I met my wife,

oh my God! Oh my God!
It was just magical.

I met your mother
in a restaurant in New York City.

She was with two friends
of hers.

I was with my friend Brendan.

We're at this place
and with my two girlfriends,

and we're drinking
a glass of wine.

And my friend, she hit me.

She, like, whacked me.
She said,

"Hilaria, [shushes]
Alec Baldwin is looking at you."

[in English]

I knew who he was because
I had seen Working Girl

a few times because Yaya
really liked Working Girl.

So I leaned over
and he was looking at me.

And I winked at him
because that's like the cringiest

thing that you
could possibly do.

But you know what?
I was like at least one glass of wine in

And when I was leaving,
I had to walk right by him.

And he took my hand
and he said, "Who are you?

I must know you.

And I was like,
"Okay, well, at least now he's being cringe too."

Because that's
like a really bad line.

It worked like magic.

Look at it. Look at us now.

And then you said,
"Where are you from?

And I said, "I'm from Boston."

And you're like,
"No, you're not."

I was like,
"Actually, I am."

And then that was like an omen
of what was to come.

I mean, it's...

It's uh, these chance
meetings, these chance moments

that everybody
has in their life, they're pretty...

They're pretty fascinating.

[in English]

And now seven kids.

[Alec] I liked her on sight.

Obviously, our age
difference is...

...there.

I'm always insecure.

Even though when I went
to have dinner with him,

I felt it was a big deal

for somebody to bring me
out to dinner.

I was in the land
of you split the check

and it was a big deal
that he you know, paid for dinner.

You know, I didn't
take that lightly.

And then
he just texted back.

"What do you think about
dating somebody who's 26 years older than you?"

And I was like, "Oh..."

Uh, she did date people
who were age appropriate for her.

When I met her,
she was very young.

So they're very young
and I meet them

and I was like,
you know,

"Okay, I get it. You know,
they're very handsome and very super fit guys,

and they're about
as interesting as watching, you know,

the grass grower.

It's one of the things
I really appreciate about him

that he was very
like, into consent,

very things, like he asked
to kiss me for the first time.

Because he kept on
making plans about our future, and I was like...

"I want to marry you
and have seven children.

May I kiss you?"

But I wanted
to have my kids

and they-- I wanted
them to look good.

- And that's why--
- You wanted to have a baby with a good looking--

- I wanted to have a baby
with a good looking guy. - [Alec] You know how funny--

You could have been
like anybody.

You were the first
good looking guy that walked up to me.

- So I was like,
"Okay, could even do." - I'm the first good guy.

[laughs]

[in English]

No. Well--

I mean,

I wouldn't date an actor.

when he was an actor,

I dated an actor who then
got to be on Broadway.

And we went
to go see him naked.

I've seen one of the loves
of her life naked.

Not the love of my life.

He was one
of the loves of her life.

He was a very important
boyfriend of hers.

And we want to go
see him on Broadway.

And he was naked
in his whole--

As our British friends say,
'He had his bits out."

You want to go see,
Take me out he musical

that our dear friend
Scott Ellis directed

and all these baseball players
were in the locker room.

And they were all
turning around naked,

with their dongs
hanging out.

I'm- And he's there,
her boyfriend

and I recognize him,
I went over

And he turns around
with his personality hanging, I'm like,

"Oh, oh."

[giggling]

"Oh. Okay."

He had, like a clarinet
hanging from his pants.

The guy literally turns around
and we were all like, "Ah!

- Ah!"
- [laughs hysterically]

"Whoa!

How can you remember
this more than I do?

And when you
meet him backstage,

we go out into the lobby,

we meet them all
and her boyfriend comes.

And I'm like,
"Hey, how you doing?"

[bleep]

And I was like, "I'm
going to stay over here."

And you can't pay attention
to a word he's saying.

He's standing
right here talking me.

I'm standing looking
at him and going...

Then he's looking
at me and going.

Yeah, you know the show
and this and that and this.

And I'm like,
"You have, like,

a baseball bat that you stuff
into your pants every day.

How does that work for you?"

Well, let's move on
from that chapter.

- [in English]
- [laughing]

[laughing]

I felt it had to be told
it had to be told.

[Hilaria] Summer is so fun

and back to school
always comes in full force

and you can't even,
you know,

you're either
enjoying yourself

and you're like,
"Oh, my God,

they are starting
school soon."

Even though school
is weeks away,

we have to go into the city

and we have to get
some stuff done.

Wait, Mom,

[in Spanish]

Can we get ice cream?

No. [chuckles softly]

Guys, we're going
to the dentist.

We can't have sugar
before the dentist.

Living in the city
with the kids is challenging.

Getting them around
where I can talk to you about the traffic

and this and that.
It's not easy.

It's expensive,
all that stuff.

But my kids,
I mean, I said,

I always look at my kids,
birth certificates,

and like-- and-- and it says,
"Born in Manhattan."

You know, all my kids
are born in New York.

They are New Yorkers.

Except for Ireland.

Right. I'm not saying
she's born in L.A.

Which is pretty much the same,
but they love New York.

My kids love New York.
They love it.

[bleep]

[laughing]

[Carmen] Now your
one year old knows it.

Literally, you guys,

Carmen, you didn't know
swears for so long.

- I learned them
when I was six. - [in English]

Okay? Okay.

You know we-- No.

We're gonna eat them.
After the dentist.

[in English]

I knew ass.

- Okay. Stop- Stop using
all the bad words. - [bleep]

[Hilaria] She will repeat
everything. Stop.

The amazing thing
about babies

is they don't repeat
necessarily what you want them to--

[gasps]

No, Lulu. No.

That was the baby, right?

- No, she hit him.
- Oh.

[Hilaria]
Getting all the things that need to to be done

before school starts
is hard.

It's hard. Everybody,
every parent knows that.

Guys the other way.

With seven kids,
I always have to be very organized.

With dentists,

I've-- Just bring them
all in at one time.

Hello?

- Hi.
- [man] Hello. Welcome.

All right.

[Hilaria] Good morning.

[man] It's balloon Tuesday.

- Oh, yeah.
- I love balloon Tuesday.

[man] It's the best day.

It's interesting,
there's always a balloon guy at the dentist.

Makes dentist so much better.

So is he a good brother?

Does he help you
with your homework?

No.

Are you his lawyer?

Kind of.

My dentist now.
There's no balloons.

I go there. I don't get
to have a balloon

or any kind of prizes.

You go there and then
get a teeth cleaning.

[woman] Hi Everyone.

- Hi.
- [woman] Hi!

I'm gonna take
Eduardo first if that's okay.

[Carmen] Can I go
second, please?

- No, I'm-- I'm--
- [boy] He's first--

[woman] I will take
whoever wants to go first.

Put up your hand.

I never had this problem.

[Hilaria] Bringing seven kids
in to a dentist,

It's gonna be crazy.

Unlike a regular soccer ball,
you keep it in the air.

Wait no.

[Carmen] That's so cool.

But fortunately,
I have enough children

that there's typically
no other children

in the entire office
because we're occupying

all the chairs
that they have there.

- So, we're gonna
be creative. - [baby crying]

I know, Mama.

Taking seven kids
to the dentist

is exactly like it sounds.

It's awful.

[baby crying]

[woman] My goodness.
Let's take a second.

We can't have this.

[Hilaria] I'm gonna try
to calm my muscles and take deep breaths.

Because I know I'm gonna
need my strength for this.

[woman] It's gonna be
so fast.

- We promised.
- [Hilaria] So fast.

[woman] One, two, three.
One, two, three.

[Hilaria] I know.

I turn it off sometimes.

I'll just like [chuckles]
my brain, just like,

It turns off a little bit.

And so there's
just like pure chaos

and everybody's yelling
and I'm just like, blinking sometimes. [chuckles]

[baby crying]

[woman] Her teeth are coming.

[indistinct conversation]

[woman] All right, senor eo.

If anything hurts,
you're gonna let me know right away.

I'm gonna hop right in.

Good talk.

BRB.

[Hilaria] Going to the dentist

with 7 kids is a lot.

[boy screaming]

[Hilaria] But I enjoy
this chaos so much

that I don't want
to be mad at it

while it's happening.

And it's just kind of like,
"All right, go, go! Who's next?

[baby crying]

[indistinct chatter]

[Hilaria] Here, look at this.
Look what it is.

You see? Can you
see yourself in it?

It's just to see inside.

[in English]

- [Hilaria] Okay, mommy--
- [woman] Mommy will help me.

- [Hilaria] Mommy's
gonna help. - [woman] All right?

We have to open
so big so I can see.

The dentist
has lots of toys,

so the kids think
it's fun, way more fun

than when I was younger
and going to the dentist.

I mean, why couldn't
these kinds of dentists

exist when we were little?

[baby crying]

- [woman 1] I'm ready?
- [woman 2] Hi.

[woman 3]
How's brushing, going?

Brushing twice a day,
morning at night?

[in English]

[woman 3] You do not!

[in English]

So now I do
is I scrub his teeth.

Like once a week
I do with a high smile

like fluoride treatments

with, like the charcoal
purple thing.

[in English]

They look great.
They look beautiful.

[woman] You see that
little white stuff there?

- [in English]
- You got it. Exactly.

So when you brush,
I want you to stay there.

- [Carmen] I know.
- [woman imitates electric tooth brush]

[woman] Go around.
Don't go too fast.

- Okay.
- [woman] Okay? Take your time.

You deserve two minutes.

You deserve
more than two minutes.

- Okay? Beautiful.
- Mmm-hmm.

[in English]

[Lulu] Mama.

They haven't seen
you since you started losing teeth.

- It's really exciting.
- I never saw her.

[Hilaria] You literally
have been going to her since you were a baby.

I have pictures.
I'll show you.

You've literally
only gone to the dentist here your entire life.

[woman] Get them
nice and clean.

So then that way
we can get rid of the?

What did we
learn today, Carmen?

[Carmen speaking]

Carmen And plaque
causes what?

- Gingivitis.
- [woman boisterously] Gingivitis

[in English]

- I learned
that Carmen is [bleep] - [woman gasps]

- [Leo speaking indistinctly]
- [woman] No, those are not. That's-- Leo?

[Alec] Carmen was
the only child for a little over a year.

And then she had
four brothers in a row,

and that, they had
an effect on her.

Like I love them.

But couldn't they
just be my cousins?

Couldn't they just live
somewhere else?

Could they
just be my cousins?

Actually, no.
Lulu and the baby would stay

and that's it.
All the boys...

I'll ship them off
to Canada.

Why Canada, Carmen?

- Why?
- That intrigues me.

Why Canada?

- I don't know.
- You like some snowy outposts

- where there's no TV.
- Canada or Mexico, whichever is far.

- Mexico.
- Mexico, probably

because it's further
from New York.

Can we get some
lollipops, please.

[Hilaria] You guys say
thank you so much.

and when they're--
next year,

- we'll talk about
X-rays for them. - [Hilaria] Okay.

[baby crying]

[in English]

Alec is probably
organizing back at home.

He's shifting things
from one thing together.

[Alec] Always be cleaning,
always be cleaning.

Oh, God!

[Hilaria] So, Alec,

when we went to the city,
Alec stayed here

to get some of the projects

that he had wanted
to do, done.

Part of that is his OCD.

And how he deals
with his PTSD.

[Alec speaking]

This is really, really weird.

I'm having this carpet cleaned
on Friday by the way.

[in English]

I can't wait.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm--
I was in tears a moment ago.

I tried to clean myself up
and get myself ready for you.

I was crying up
in the bathroom.

[in English]

Yeah.

I don't enjoy doing this.

I must say.

[Alec] Hello?

[Caroline] Hello?

I was just looking
at all the parked strollers.

[Alec] We call it
the Stroller Museum.

I love Caroline Rhea

as much as anybody
I've ever met in this business

and became my friend.

She never stops
making me laugh.

She's got all this--

She's got contemporary
material that's funny,

and she's got old,
corny old school jokes that she tells,

and we don't get to spend
a lot of time with her

because she's in Los Angeles
or on the road all the time.

When I did atch Game,
I said, "Caroline Rhea

- has to be in as many
shows as possible." - [Hilaria] Yeah.

And she was somebody
who sat there who

not only did I know,
I could rely on her,

and I could rely on her
for something

uh, consistent and not nasty.

- Never ugly.
- She's an amazing

- human being.
- She's so funny.

I love her

to the ends of the earth.

[Caroline] Your floors
are so shiny.

The floors are so shiny.

You're so skinny.

[Alec] She was my friend
through the trial.

Didn't turn her
back on me

like a lot of other
people did.

I don't need anybody
to take out an ad

in the Hollywood Reporter
and support me or go online.

But she would call me
and text me regularly.

Are you okay?
I'm thinking about you.

She was so good to me.

We're gonna have--
We're gonna put wine cabinets in here in the refrigerator.

We're gonna call this
the wine room? Literally.

The wine
but how many children?

- That's how insane we were.
- [laughs]

We were having.
We were like, "Well, of course

we have to have a wine room.

And we had to add
an H to it.

The "Whine room."

[laughing]

[Caroline] I've known Alec
since I think,1997.

We really bonded in like
a couple years later,

we sat next to each other
at the USO.

Trying to figure out
when I met you.

So my sister
will probably kill me.

But we were going
to the Sex and The City premiere in like,

- when was that show
start '96, '97? - [Alec] Don't remember.

And my sister said,
"The only person I want to meet is Alec Baldwin."

She'll kill me
for telling you this, anyway.

So we go to that premiere
and you come up to me and you're like,

and we were like this,
gobsmacked you're like. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

And then you went
like this. [chuckles]

You go, "Hi. I'm Alec."

And we were both ah--
All of us went ah-- And you went Baldwin.

Like we needed
to know that.

Caroline and Alec
together is magic.

- Magic-- No--
- No, I'll never be as funny as her.

No, you know what?
You won't be as funny as her.

But, but she is very funny.

And you're funny with her.

Did you have
The Bachelor?

Is that how you decided
who your cameramen were?

- [chuckles] What--
- But my wife--

- Only handsome men.
We'll be photographing us. - Yes. We have all.

We got, I see, I want one
with a mustache.

I want one that
looks like, Tom Selleck or a porn star

One that looks like
a French painter over here.

Then I want one
who can easily play professional soccer.

[in English]

Um, hilarious,
artistic genius.

I won't tell the joke.
I'll just tell the punchline,

which is all that
matters is the gag.

You don't really
care about the joke,

so you sit there and say,
[clears throat]

"Then the bear taps the hunter
on the shoulder and says,

'You're not really here
to hunt Bear, are you?'"

[laughs hysterically]

[Alec speaking]

Thank you.

Well read, funny,

kind, devoted.

[whispers]

[Alec chuckles]
Isn't it great? I love that.

You got to do it
better than that. Come on.

You have to really,
really pop it.

You have to do a bit better
than that, Caroline.

He has a reputation
of being like a hothead,

and he's actually a total
softie, sensitive human being.

Who's like anally organized
[chuckles]

and like lining up
children's shoes

so that they match.

He's just like father first,

and he just calls it
like he sees it.

All right, hold on.
I have to do one.

I decided that I want
to have a threesome.

I don't care if it's
two men or two women.

I just want someone
to hold my neck back.

There, you're right?

I like that.

[Hilaria] I was still
in town with the kids,

and Alec's daughter, Ireland,
happened to be in town

with her husband, Andre,

and their daughter, Holland.

Ireland is Alec's only child
from his first marriage to Kim Basinger.

She grew up in LA
but moved to Oregon

a few years ago
and started a family.

I couldn't believe
that they were the same height.

Her and Ilaria.

[Hilaria] I know
it's totally true.

It's totally true.

My relationship
with Ireland is

I feel like it's unique
for a stepmom

and stepdaughter relationship.

'Cause that's technically
what we are.

But first of all,
I'm 11 years older than her.

I didn't raise her.

And we find tremendous
humor in that.

And we always have
found tremendous humor, so.

[imitating chewing] Thank you.

She's very into

chewing things up
and putting it in your mouth.

Mmm-hmm. It's okay.

Since I'm your like
Grandma, it's gonna be okay, right? Yeah.

I haven't seen Ireland
in a long time

'cause we lived so far
and, you know, we both had babies.

And even though Alec met
his new baby granddaughter,

I haven't met Holland
until this little trip.

And we facetime all the time
and we talk all the time.

But we haven't
actually met up.

And so we got
all the kids together

for a playdate
this morning.

Baby.

[Hilaria] It's so wonderful
because we were pregnant together,

but just barely.

And so my baby is almost
nine months older

than Ireland's baby.

But my baby
is Holland's aunt,

And Holland
is my baby's niece

- [Ireland] Spitting it out.
- [Hilaria chuckles]

- Is that yucky?
- [Ireland] Yeah.

- [baby cooing]
- [Hilaria] Lucky you've got cool parents.

- We try really hard. [laughs]
- [Andre chuckles] We try.

No, I mean, traveling.
I feel like

- uh, it puts everything
to the test for me. - Yeah, yeah.

And I've just been talking
about this all day today.

Like, traveling
with a kid is no, it's an Olympic event.

Like it's so...

[Hilaria] Horrible. I remember
when-- I mean, I haven't

yet traveled on an airplane
with all seven of them,

- but I'm terrified.
- Yeah, I can-- Yeah.

No, I'm terrified.

- How can you
even do that? - I don't know.

What you do is you and my dad
should go sit in first Class.

And then go put them
back all in one row

- and let them just--
- And say, "Carmen, you're in charge."

- [Ireland] You're like-- Yeah.
- [all chuckling]

- Okay are we--
- You like that that you keep on doing it again.

- No, we're getting it wet.
- Her favorite activity

- is eating something
and spitting it out. - [laughing]

Before I was her stepmother,
when I met her,

I first had a conversation
with Alec, and I said,

"You know,
if she doesn't like me, I'm not staying.

'Cause I'm not going to be
wicked stepmother.

My place in life is not
to come into a family.

And cause problems.

And I love you
and I'm loving our relationship.

But I have too much
respect for the family.

And she's like
such an amazing person.

She immediately
welcomed me.

It was so easy.
We've never fought.

- [laughing]
- Just want to spit everything out.

[whispers] That was so silly.

[Alec] My divorce
with Ireland's mother was not easy.

It's not easy, very lengthy,
very expensive.

I mean, just insanity.
Just insanity.

I was on a plane.

Every other week,
for all of the school year.

I flew back and forth
from New York to Los Angeles

uh, 18 times a year.

We've got a house like
eight doors down

from my daughter
and her mother,

and I thought that
would improve things

and it did not
improve things.

So it became,
as it was still, as difficult.

Unnecessarily difficult
that way.

[Hilaria] But I was very lucky
that I came into their family.

Kim, Alec and Ireland.

At a place where
everybody had moved on

and there was a place
of being settled.

So I got very lucky.

She has a mom that she has
a very good relationship with.

And so my job wasn't
to come in and parent.

Ireland had met girlfriends
before of Alecs.

So I wasn't the next one.

She was in LA and Alec
would travel there.

I mean, he is such a good dad
and you see it with our kids.

He wants to be
in his kid's lives.

How about your gorgeous
little granddaughter?

- So cute.
- Oh, my God!

- She's so cute.
- So cute, yeah.

[in English]

I'm happy for her, too.

She looks so happy.

He's a great guy.

She's happy.

The baby is just...

...perfect.

I was going to ask,
"Did you ever have the conversation

before you got married?

Like I want to have
all of the children in the world.

Or just thought,
"I'm gonna have three.

I want to repopulate
the Earth.

[chuckles]

My wife, really,
she's tough.

She is so on it
and capable.

I admire her
with every fiber of my being.

I have one child,
and when I get it, all right, just once. I'm impressed.

Sounds good.

Sounds good.

[chuckles]

Sounds very good.

De Niro is in Italy
on a boat.

I know this
because I talked to Whoopi.

And Robert De Niro--

Is that not Robert De Niro
that you were doing? [laughs]

Yes, but how do you know
De Niro's summer plan?

- [Caroline] I know,
it's very weird. - Yeah.

What's your next
acting move?

- Me?
- Yeah.

Um...

Uh...

[Caroline] What's your
next acting move?

[Alec] Uh...

[in English]

[in English]

No. He's going
to keep acting.

You know what?
It's a defense.

He's gone through like a--

Hell, he's gonna act again.
Of course he is.

He's a brilliant actor,
like that's your purpose.

That's one of your
many purposes.

Act and then father,
every child on the planet.

Those are your two things
that you were born to do.

What is your
favorite movie of yours?

None.

I don't think about movies
in terms of the movie and how it comes out.

I learned very early on
to let that go.

However, the movie
comes out, great.

I died, I cried
because of this movie.

I think it was called
[Alec reading]

They called me and said,

They're gonna get
Tony Hopkins to play the lead.

I started crying.

Working with him.
Oh, my God.

He was...
People say that movie

was the greatest
experience of my life.

- Ah. It was.
- Oh.

My sister flies to come
stay with me for a week.

My sister goes.

[whispers]

And I go, sure.
And I walk over and I go,

"Tony, may I bother you
for a moment?"

And he's like,
"Yes, of course."

And he gets up and stands.
But I go, "Tony,

This is my sister Beth.
This is Anthony Hopkins."

And give me your hand.

And Tony goes,
"Elizabeth, my great pleasure to meet you."

- [Caroline chuckles]
- And he kisses her hand.

She's married for 25 years
and literally she's like:

[groaning]

I could hear
every single story that he has to tell.

Even if I've heard him before,

I could absolutely
hear it again.

There's a part of me
that I want to go out the way I came in.

- I came in--
- Naked and screaming?

Naked and screaming blue.

Is there a chance
you can slap me?

Slap my [bleep]

[laughs heartily]

I love those
Bald weenies.

That's all I can say.

Tie that umbilical cord
around my neck

and stuff me inside.
Well, never mind.

[Hilaria] Say,
"Pipa pick up the phone."

Peppa is Pipa?

- Pipa.
- Pipa.

We call my mom Meemaw.
She hates it.

[all laughing]

[Alec] Because my relationship
with Ireland

was so negatively impacted
by my experience.

There getting divorced
from her mother.

That when it comes
to these other kids,

and I bring all that baggage
into this situation.

Sadly, this is why
I think I'm so focused

on parenting
on this to this,

uh, this level of you will
being around a lot

and taking them
to school most days, instead of working.

Watch, he's, like, napping
right now or something.

- [phone line ringing]
- [kissing]

Say, "Where are you?"

Say, "Pick up the phone."

[Alec on phone]

Hi. FaceTime us.

No, we're at Emporio.

I had my daughter, Ireland,
and she was a little kid

and, you know, making
an only child happy

has its own unique
set of concerns.

After my divorce,

her mother and I were
working all the time.

You know, and Ireland
usually went with her mother.

[indistinct chatter]

[Ireland] Who's that?

- [Hilaria] Who's that?
- [Alec] Are you troubling Mommy?

She's like,
"I wanna get down."

She's gonna throw it
right at people.

You can't throw it back.

Thank you.

Thank you!

He has to say
my last name like that.

Why do you always
say both names?

- You have to say our last name
like we don't know. - Like, "Not to be confused

with the other Irelands
that we all know?

- [baby moans]
- [Ireland mimicking] Oh!

- Yeah, it's so beautiful.
- Mm-hmm. Thank you.

- [Andre] I agree.
- I really like it.

I know.

I know. I hope that we all get
to be together soon.

I think it's good.

Ireland is...

Got a great situation.

She met a great guy.
We love him.

Love him. Really good guy.

Her baby is gorgeous.

- Uh, which is not...
- [Hilaria] Funny.

- Funny and really interesting.
- Fits right in with our kids.

She's one of us.

- Well...
- Yeah.

Well, that was a choice
to be there. Okay?

[Alec] Yeah, we do
the best we can.

And the real glue there
is Hilaria.

Okay, take... Wait,
take a photo. Take a photo.

- This is so cute.
- Oh, oh.

- Okay, it's over.
- [Alec] Over here, you little baby.

Dada.

Yeah. That's...

"Dada," close enough.

- All right. Love you. Bye.
- Bye.

Oh, my God.

I remember when I met you,

you were really
into volleyball, and it was very impressive.

- Thank you.
- One time, your dad,

when we first started dating,

he went with you to Florida

- and took... Do you
remember this? - That's a story.

And he took, like,
all these photos,

and he was like,
"This is my daughter

- and I'm so proud of her."
- [Ireland] Cute.

He's just, like,

- I mean, like...
- Aww.

he's like, worshiped,
worshiped you.

- Still does, but...
- He actually got asked to leave my game.

[laughs]

Because he told
this ref off so bad.

- Oh, my God. He was that...
- And this ref was terrible.

Like this ref was, truthfully,

being borderline, like,
abusive to some of the girls.

And my dad just,
of course, let him have it.

That was actually one time,
though, where I was, like,

- like, "That's awesome."
- Yeah.

Did I tell you?
He usually has a point.

When he gets upset
about something, he usually has a point.

He just doesn't always
convey it in the right way.

- Oh, yeah. Exactly.
- It's like, he's just

- is, like, straightforward.
- It's like a toddler

in Target, getting dragged out
by their mom

because they have
big feelings.

[Hilaria] Ireland has
really found herself

through getting
to know herself, if that makes sense.

I'm quite proud of her

and I look to her
to learn, myself.

Is she sleeping in bed
with you guys?

- Or do you...
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Which is, I think, amazing.

But also comes
with its own... [laughs]

- Yeah. She turns like
a clock all night. - Yeah. Yeah.

And he wakes up with,
like, a foot in his mouth

- every morning.
- [Andre] Yeah.

Goodness! I'm so happy
to spend time with you.

You come to Vermont
and we'll all have Christmas together.

They have festivals there
where all the kids get to throw hay at each other.

It's the most fun thing ever.

- It sounds so fun.
- It's literally so fun.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

- To you.
- To you.

- And you.
- You.

- And to you and to you.
- To you!

To all of us.

Oh, my God, she's so cute.

So we're back here.
So isn't Fresh Pond beautiful?

Yeah.

Like, I mean, when really
the tide goes out,

- we call it "poopy town."
- Call it poopy town.

It's not really
animal... excrement.

- That's really...
- I think it is.

You said it is.
It's impossible.

- I know, it really is.
- You know which animals...

- It'd have to be
a million birds? - Can I tell you what it is?

It's like the geese.

- And it's like...
- It's not that.

- It's like geese season
or something. - No.

- Yes, it is.
It's totally geese poop. - It's not, it's not, it's not.

You walk through there, honey.
It's muck from... It's dirt

and sediment from
a moving body of water.

Honey, you'd have
to be shooting a remake of The Birds.

- And have them all
flock here and poop. - It smells so bad,

it's definitely poop.

It's not poop.

[Hilaria] Now that
I'm back from the city,

I want to focus
on our marriage

and trying to connect
with each other.

Not just about planning,
and problem-solve and all the bad.

Uh, to the right maybe.

No, I'm just gonna
park right here.

As much as we focus
on Alec and his career,

or the kids,

I want to talk
about what we enjoy

to reconnect on
a different level

that is not just
fight or flight.

Shouldn't you go for
a nice beach walk with me?

[seductively] Sure.

[Hilaria] It's beautiful.

It's so pretty.

We used to take the boat,
a long time ago,

and we would go to Montauk
or to Greenport

and we would dock
and we'd eat, we'd have lunch.

Hilaria is somebody,
when I met her,

she's the happiest,
most content.

When I first met her,
and I go to her yoga class in the village,

you go in there,
all these women were walking up to her,

to the class,
very quietly, hugging her.

I always say...
This makes me cry and I don't wanna cry,

but, um, I'll never forget,

one or two women said,
"You know, I have cancer.

And the only time in my life
I really, really feel

that I can leave that
outside the door

is when I come here
to your class.

I can really freely forget
about it for an hour."

And I died when
that woman said that. I died.

I didn't kiss my wife
the first month I knew her.

I didn't wanna go that way.

I thought, I didn't wanna,
you know...

I remember sitting there
going... [sighs]

"Do I wanna pull her
into this?" You know?

It's a strap.

Don't want any animal
to get trapped in that.

What's this over here?
A lot of this is nets.

Look at this.

Oh, God.

Look at that.

Ugh.

I'll put that over here
in a pile.

Alec, with his OCD,
you know, cleaning everything.

It's not something
you can turn on and turn off.

He's gonna do it
no matter what.

[Alec] Look at this. See this?

Okay, that literally
has hair and I'm gonna...

Martha Washington's hair type.

Look at this bottle cap.

Look at that.

Probably Franklin Roosevelt
had a Coca-Cola here or something.

[Alec] There's a straw.

Oh, there's also
some socks over there, if you want to pick those up.

This is why
you're gross, Alec.

'cause then you're gonna
touch it, you don't have...

You're supposed to do this
with gloves on.

I hope that person's sock
doesn't have, like, warts on his feet or something.

- You're gonna have
warts on your hand. - [Alec] Okay.

Okay. It's been
out here being purified in the bleaching sun.

There's a cigarette butt.
That's disgusting.

You see the stuff
in your hand?

You can put it in the pile.

- And collect on the way back.
- Why... I don't wanna do that.

Why?

- 'Cause you wanna bring it--
- 'Cause while we're walking down...

Because you wanna
bring it home.

...an animal could come
and get choked in the rubber.

But is it because you wanna
bring that home?

- Am I gonna find that
in one of the jars? - Have I ever brought

the garbage home with me?

I found some of the garbage
from the beach in my garbage can.

I empty my pocket every day
of garbage.

The kids' candy wrappers
are everywhere.

They're in cornfields
10 miles from here.

Did you see a plastic cap
just now?

[Hilaria] Plastic?

I do not see garbage here.
It actually

- looks pretty clean.
- Goddamn it! I'm the John Muir of Long Island.

You must have been
walking here already

'cause I don't see
any garbage.

[laughing] "Must've
been here..."

- You already went
and cleaned it. - "'Cause there's no..."

- That was a good line.
- Was it?

"You must've been here
earlier today, 'cause

- there's no garbage out."
- It's so clean.

If I'm not mistaken,
as I was taught as a child,

Long Island was formed
by glaciers coming down from the north.

[Hilaria] And Alec,
sometimes he'll have his things that he'll say,

you know, the history
of Long Island and this and that and this.

Drawing a map,
he'll put different things, different places.

You see that land there,
way up there?

This goes up
and that's the bay.

And then land goes like this,
and then it drops like this.

And becomes like
a paddle of a canoe.

It's called Napeague

and it goes all the way out
to Montauk Point.

[Hilaria] Alec and I have
been married for 12 years,

so I've heard a lot
of the stories already.

So I'll just stop
paying attention.

And I'll sit there
and I'll smile

and I just get very quiet.

[Alec] My wife
is very good at this.

She tunes out...

deeper than I thought
was possible.

What's famous
about this area, honey? You tell me.

And then,
he'll ask me something, I'm like...

"I wasn't paying attention
to any of it."

He's also like he wants
to show me, like,

certain parts
of the island out

and he's like,
"And that part it is... blah, blah, blahs island.

And that part is,
duh, duh, duh."

I won't remember
any of it ever.

And I think embracing
that as well is extremely important.

We're on Little Albert's,

not to be confused
with Big Albert's.

Next is, uh, crabby town.

And beyond crabby town
is poopy town.

- And beyond poopy town
[laughing] is jumping town. - Is our house.

You remember when I first
came out here with you?

Hmm?

Easter, 2011.

And it was, like,
a great weekend.

You had me come out,
we went to church.

And I was really sick.

And I was trying to hide it
because you were...

I didn't want you to think
that I was too tired or anything.

And you were driving me
around all of this area,

and you're giving me
this entire history lesson.

And you were drawing your maps

and putting your hand up

and trying
to explain everything.

And I'm just like... [groans]

But you were fascinating,

and I decided
to get married to you.

[Alec] It's been
very, very tough for her.

You know, everything
that supported me and helped me was muted.

Everything that hurt me
and cost me was amplified, by the media.

She's married to this.

And I, for a while,
this past year,

I fully expected her
to sit down with me and say,

"I don't think
I can do it anymore."

I fully expected her
to present me with that idea.

It was possible.

It was... A lot
of other people have done it.

You know, they just...
You get into a situation,

and I would've
understood, kind of, 'cause I don't want her to suffer.

I don't want anybody...

I don't want anybody to suffer
because of me.

But Hilaria wasn't willing
to do that.

[Alec] Don't get
married again.

You'll never have it
as good as with me.

[laughing] Look at your face.

I truly love Al...

I wonder if I could
be buried on...

I'll get cremated
and you scatter my ashes

- on Albert's.
- Scatter your ashes.

You know what's best?

- Let's just talk about--
- Scatter my ashes on poopy town.

"Where's your father's ashes?"

"Poopy town."

"What? That's horrible."

The most romantic thing
you can do with somebody

is just be
and enjoy each other.

We go on the walk
and he's gonna talk about

the geography of the land
and the trash and the history of this and that.

And he always says to me,
"You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

Because nobody's
gonna be doing this."

And I'm like, "You know what?
You're probably right.

You're probably right."

Wanna go clamming?

Nope.

If I looked like you,
I wouldn't wanna go clamming, either.

Alec said to me,
"Just remember,

you're always gonna
be my girlfriend.

Even if you're
a mother and wife, you're always my girlfriend."

Can I take you to dinner?

Yeah.

Of course I want my husband
to think that I'm attractive

and funny and interesting
and want to spend time with me.

Of course I wanna
be his girlfriend.

My husband wants to date me.
Like, is this that bad?

- God, that bathing suit
looks so good on you. - [thumps]

You hit my mic!

[giggles]

How unprofessional of you.

How do you think
we had so many kids?

That bathing suit looks
so good on you.

- My God, it does.
- You know what?

- You should be nicer to me.
- I love that bathing suit.

You like how
the bathing suit looks?

- You should be nicer to me.
- I think that bathing suit is very beautiful.

This bathing suit is gonna
look very nice with me alone over here.

- I don't like you now.
- [Hilaria] Okay.

[Hilaria] If you had
a dog trainer come,

what would you
have them learn?

Don't whiz on my $40,000,

hand-knitted Peruvian rug.

We went through this
very hard thing,

and so some things slipped
through the cracks like dog training.

Cappuccino just peed
on the floor.

You're the one that brought
those dogs into the house,

said they were trained.

If we want the dogs
not to pee on the rug,

we have to train them.

Can you tell...

from looking
at a dog, right away,

whether they're hopeless...

and they're never
gonna be trained

or they have hope.

[whining]

[man] Uh-huh.

[Hilaria] I worry about Alec
because he is somebody

who's gone through
some heavy stuff

and you can get stuck
in that place.

So the new word
for the future is "fun."

I'm about to drop
a bomb on you.

What is it?

I'm having another baby.

Wait, what...

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