Original subtitles

This evening, as we join the younger

members of the royal family at Alton

Towers in Staffordshire for the Grand

Knockout Tournament.

Noble Spectator. Lay aside all

worries, cast aside all cares, and

travel with us back, back through

time to a magical era when

England's Isle was green and pleasant,

and when every glade echoed to the sound

of the chart-topping favourite, A noni

noni no. And when every heroic night,

for the love of his damsel and glory of

his king, fought in mighty

tournament.

Hear ye, hear ye,

hear ye! Lord Knock of

Alton will now open the

games.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen,

and lowly ranks of rather grubby but

enthusiastic rubble,

myself and the fair Lady Knock, bid you a

warm welcome to the Grand Knockout

Tournament. On this day, by noble

decree, we call forth the mighty from

this and many lads to compete

in games whose grandeur,

glory and overwhelming silliness

will be forever remembered.

For the entertainment of us all, let

you fall repeatedly on your

bottoms this day.

And so that your achievement should not

go unnoticed in the Hurley and the

Burley, let me introduce 3 roistering

names and one rollicking maiden to

help you on your way. Firstly, the

squire of cheerful countenance,

Master Les Dawson, assisted

by the maid of the genteel

voice and dignified demeanor,

Mistress Sue Pollard.

Together,

together with the Wizard Supreme

Master Paul Daniels, and last but

by no means quietest, jolly

jester and legendary

chronicler of the tournaments of Knock,

Master Stuart Hall.

But first, but first and foremost,

I would like you to be welcomed

to the four teams led by four

members of our gracious royal family.

His Royal Highness, the Grand Young Duke

of York,marching his troops to the top of

the hill and wherever else he can, in aid

of the World Wildlife Fund.

And...

Her Royal Highness, the Fair Duchess of

York,Did import

her heroes on behalf of the International

Year of Shelter for the Homeless.

Rubble, rubble.

His Royal Highness, His Royal Highness,

the tantalisingly eligible Prince Edward,

coaxing carriage.

On behalf of the

Duke of Edinburgh's Award Scheme

International Project 1987.

And Her Royal Highness, the Fair Princess

Royal.

Sparing on her champions for the Save the

Children Club.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have now

distributed your favours. I shall then

ask the team captains, first of all, his

Royal Highness, the Duke of York. Yes.

Your motley cruiser. Can you describe

them in a few words?We are excellent,

fighting fit, raring to go, and we have

the most amazing mascot, which nobody

else has got, called a panda, to support

us on our way. And of course, Nigel

Mansell, Annika Rice,And they call

themselves this morning the animals. Does

it still hold true?Absolutely. The

pandas. The pandas. The pandas, not the

animals. The pandas. Well, you know.

Thank you, sir. And good luck. And?

And now,

no. Our

Royal Highness, the Duchess of York,

ma'am, how is the state of your health?

Because it was inclement this morning,

I'm afraid. It's very good, thank you

very much. But everyone else is going to

suffer after we win. Will the throat hold

out?Of course it will hold out. Now, what

are the ace cards that you're holding,

mum?Well, we don't have any cards because

basically we're the best. We're the best

blue bandits there are. OK. Give

me an L. Give me a U. Give

me an E. What do you got?Big Band

Blue Bandit.

Meet local Van Stevenson. And now...

And no. I don't know what that was. The

undoubted favourites to win the

tournament, His Royal Highness, the

Prince Edward Sir. Oh, favourites, Harry?

Ah, well, that's because we've got a

pretty good team. They're all...

And they're all fit. The Tudy book is

heavy with 6 to 4 against. Well, that

sounds pretty good odds. That sounds

pretty good. And then he looks a very,

very strong team laden with, I see,

Olympic athletes like Steve Cram, Cesar

Sanders, and Sarah Hardcastle. How do you

account for this apparent ringing of your

team?No, not at all. No ringing at all.

No, no, it was just the way the cookie

crumbled. We shall now move

on then. Good luck. What are we going for?

Gold, gold, gold!

Such ferocity have they shown the three

warriors. I approach... A Royal Highness

the Princess Roy with some trepidation,

man. What are your tactics?

Oh, very cool, calm, collected.

All this quasi-excitement doesn't really

matter a damn to you, then. No, we're the

strong silent types.

The strong silent types. Is that going to

describe your tactics, strong and silent

on the games, or will it be excitement

like you eventually?No, not until later,

when we've won.

And this is how she approaches her games

all the time, constant in the thought of

winning. Could you possibly describe one

or two of your team, Emlyn Hughes?He's

hardly laid back. No, this is a team

effort. I describe them as the red

perils. The red perils. Have

you a war cry for us, ma'am?No, noI told

you we were the strong silent type. The

strong silent type. Thank you. Silent,

silent. Yes, silent.

S. Yes, I will. S for silent. Thank you.

Good luck to you. Good luck. And thank

you very much. A round of applause for

the four teams, come on!

And now, your wowhers and the

teams, Flies and Tribunes. You are

dismissed to the Tribunes.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like

you to welcome

Master Aled Jones, the herald of the

tournament. If you please, Aled Jones,

round of applause.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen,

the first game in the Grand Knockout

Tournament is Call Out the

Guards. Yes, ladies and

gentlemen, how is this for the gauntlet

thrown down in this royal tournament?The

Duchess of York is playing a joker on the

first game!

And... Oh.

Shh. Shh. Quiet, everyone. Quiet. It's a

very laid-back, low-key joker, ma'am.

Very low joker. A very low joker.

We're hearing too many jokes.

Shall we wish them both the best of luck?

With a hearty round of applause, if you

please.

Thank you, my good Salaf-alot. It gives

me great pleasure on this day of days,

which, with a bit of luck, will lead to a

night of nights to open this grand

tourney. The games will commence with the

dropping of this favour, given me by the

Bull Salance-alot, he who loves

nothing more than the roar of the crowd

and the smell of the liniment.

Call out the guard! Let's call out the

guard. The guards coming out. Come on,

everyone! Here come the guards.

The red team on the Joker.

So it's Cliff Richard attaching the rope

to the cannon. Cliff Richard running

back. And over the

capstan, Kevin Kline, Jackie Stewart,

and Emily Hughes.

For the Princess Royal. And for the

Yellow Team of Prince Edward, everything

is colour-coded, of course, in this great

knockout tournament. Eddie Grant, Peter

Blake, Duncan Pewdieu. And the

Blue Team, the Duchess of York. Brian

Cooper, Steve Cawthon, Champion George,

Viv Richards, leaping over the Capstan,

hyphetically. And finally, on the Green

Team, for the Duke of York,

George Lazenby, Gary Lineker, the

greatest footballer in the world, Michael

Palin. The

Reds on the Joker, if they win, of

course. As you know, knock-out buffs,

the points automatically double.

And they're winning. The Reds arewinning.

The backwards of the cannon over the

line. When the front wheels are

over, the Royal Highness for Princess

Anne. Fire the

cannon. Fire the cannon.

We're waiting for Prince Edward to fire

his cannon. One more port, sir.

One more port, and over. And

it's... and... the Brinsky.

Let's celebrate.

Gary Lineker's got his skirt tied. And

he's showing his drawers.

Gary Lineker. Hanukkah. Oh!

Lin

is the case. A case looks like a... A

case. A case.

Well... Well

now, my next job

is to introduce the judges. And who

better to judge this Royal Knockout

Tournament but the four Dukes of

the Realm. First of all, I want to

welcome the Duke of Westminster, if you

please. Thank you, Chair.

Gerald, I think, is slightly nutty like

the rest of us, would you say?Yes, I am.

Yeah, I've got to be here on a sort of

rather cloudy day. But I

must say that first game didn't quite go

as per rehearsal. We shall find, we shall

find out. Secondly, welcome please to the

Duke of Gloucester. Good afternoon.

Are you looking forward to your event,

sir?Yes, indeed. Are you going to be a

strict disciplinarian?I intend to be,

yes. There's a potential for a lot of

cheating here. Did you hear that?

Potential for cheating?We've already seen

it. Michael Brandon's already made one

protest. Now welcome, please, the Duke of

Roxburgh, Guy. Let's do it.

And your attitude to our games, Guy?We're

delighted the red team won at the first

game, so things are going well. You're

supposed to be unbiased. But I am. He is

unbiased, but he wants me to win. And

finally, welcome, please, the Duke of

Abercorn. Good afternoon, sir. Good

afternoon. Are you going to look forward

to this?Very much indeed, but I'm already

sulking because my team, I'm judging, has

come second. Come second. So you've got

4 biased team judges, but now...

We had a problem with the scoreboard.

We had to have somebody big and strong

and masterful to manipulate round this

tournament area. So, we chose

twice the world's strongest man, three

times the strongest man in Europe,

Wolvenbridge, Geoffrey Capes.

And our Chief Judge, our Chief Judge, I

say, can you adjudicate on our first game

with Capisa?Yes, can we just point out to

all of you at home, I'm... Paul Daniels,

this is Jeff Gibbs, because we look a lot

alike. Oh, yes,

we do. Oh, no way.

And as we can see here, two teams played

the Jokers, the red and the blue team,

all right?And the slowest team was the

yellow one, all right?Prince Edward's

slowest with a time of 141. And they only

get one point for that, one shield for

that. And of course, this was, yes, this

is the next thing, 128. Very close. We're

very close to this because... Somebody

touches York 127. Somebody popped their

gun, you know, without crossing the line.

We watched that. Yes, yes, yes, yesSo

anyway, they get two points for that.

Now, these played the Jokers, so although

they were second, they doubled up, they

get six points. But the winners are on

this game. With the Joker in, that

doubles up to 8 points. It's the Red Save

the Children farm team. Royal Harris, the

British Row, takes the lead. And I

think... And

there they are on the master scoreboard.

And now I think that Lord Letchal of

Dawson and Mistress Boddard have

something in store.

And now a musical prelude to

introduce the Asda Marathon.

What

A wondrous team we have. First of all,

the Winston Toy Wilcox. What think of

this pebble?Well, we've been training in

shark-infested waters, so we're pretty

calm about this. Yeah, so you weren't

full on the weekend over there. And next

we have Barry McGuigan, a manipugilist.

This is quite a different kettle of fish

for you, Barry. What think of thou

chances, my boy?Well, as I want to get

over the other side with a Tom throwing

the home at me. He hit me twice this

morning in practice, so I'm just waiting

to get over here. And if I don't get

over, I'm going to get him on a drive.

Well, you could call it an ambush. Sorry

about that. Christopher Reeve.

A man who flies in most of his film, but

this time he's not had a drink. How do

you think?I'm in trouble here. This is

not my element. He's not your element.

Well, that was straight to the point.

Over there, Christopher. Last but never

leaves, Steve Cram. The man with the

fastest... The fastest clothes pegs in

the world. Now, what do you think, Steve?

Well, I think I'm definitely going to go

in. Well, I think you're going to go in,

man. Right, take your places, please. On

the groaning table is that wonderful

man from the valleys who sings those

wonderful songs, a man who has graced

our byways as a minstrel, Tom Jones.

It

looks like an overdue bank statement.

and the other lovely Jenny Agatha.

With your permission, Lord Knock,

may I commence the marathon. Three, two,

one. Hand her

off. Here we go. Come along, Mister. Oh,

she's doing very well, Toya. Excuse me.

Very well, dear. Well done.

Oh, splendid. Splendid.

Yes. Well done, Agatha.

Yes, well done. Come on, Barry, you can

do it. You wait, your moustache could be

a disadvantage.

Come on, Christopher. Think of an

Oscar for this. You can do it.

Oh, he's wonderful.

Ah, Steve. What

an excellent movement. Oh,

you can do it, Steve.

Come on, Toya. Wonderful. Come

on. Look at the agility there in those

legs. The muscles are terrible.

Well done. This time, Barry, you can do

it, Barry.

Barry, come on, you're not there for

comic relief. Come on, Barry, sure you

can do it, come on. You can do it.

Come on, Barry. Not much longer to go.

And it's Christopher Eve again, with a

lovely leg action, living tightly to the

pole. No wonder this man is a Superman.

Well done. From the comedies. You shall

be delighted to know, my Lord, the Yellow

team scored four. Four points. Well done.

Four points for Yellow. How so proud we

are. This marathon, of course, was the

first seat of the Asda Marathon.

God-fearing noble folk, an

eerie tale will now unfold as we meet

the ghost of Alton Towers.

Terror written on all these faces,

stricken, give me some horror again.

Wait till I unfold the story for you. But

first of all, we have two damsels in

somewhat distress. Debbie Flintoff, who

was the holder of the Commonwealth gold,

400 metres record. But what is your real

claim to fame, Debbie?Probably the two

gold medals that I won at Edinburgh. And

your 8 Commonwealth records?And my 8

Commonwealth records, yes. And she goes

like the speed of the wind, representing

the Princess Royal. But now,

representing the Duke of York,

Judy Simpson. Oh, don't be so

bashful. This is it's a knockout.

The holder of the UK heptathlon record.

And what else, Judy?Lots of different

things. I've got a gold medal at the

Commonwealth Games for heptathlon as

well. Now that we are playing our Joker.

Why, Prince Edward, are you playing your

Joker on this game?Tell me. Ah, because

we've got a very slick ghost.

Who is the slick ghost?I can't tell you

that. I can't tell you that. We'll have a

reveal later on. And the Duke of

Yorkshire. We have an exceedingly fast

hopper. A fast hopper in

Judy Simpson and you're backing, of

course, on the ghost being slower. Oh,

yes. Without more ado, then, there will

be a puff-puff smoke and the headless

ghost of Alton Towers will appear. Ghosts

are appearing. Screams, please.

And when the ghosts reach the top step,

the ghosts are off and running.

They've got to be caught to catch the

flowers, first of all. One

flower, two flower, Debbie Flintoff's

gonna be caught, she's caught.

Billy Flintoff's caught. For all the

Commonwealth ghosts, Debbie's gone.

And Judy Simpson's hopping along.

Judy Simpson's gone to the end of the

course. Give her a round of applause,

please.

Now then, did you know who was in the

ghost costume?No idea. You're going

down to embrace Judy. Meanwhile...

Let's find out if... And the headless

ghost of Alton Towers, none other than

the greatest cricketer in the world, Viv

Richards. Welcome him.

But the Duke of York... The Duke of

York playing a very, very handy joker

indeed. Now, what was Judy Simpson's time?

That's going to be par for the course.

What a good joker to play. Master Paul

Daniels. Well, as I do a detour

around Jeff Cape's stomach, what we've

got here is... He's not going to like

that, and you're going to slap on the

head. I know, but I can run very quick.

Now, listen, as you can see, we've got an

18-second finish here, and we've got

someone here who didn't finish, as we

sadly saw. And they have got 3

roses, flowers collected. You've got part

of the course. Oh, yes. Absolutely. Bye,

spookies. We're going to bring the goats.

Three, two, one, spookies.

So for the Duchess of York, Tamara

McKinney is on her way. For Prince

Edward, look at Sarah Hardcastle going

like a bomb, Sarah. She's

never going to be caught. Neither is

Tamara. Oh!

Tamara McKinney, extremely fit. She's

never, never, ever going to be caught.

Tamara. And Sarah.

Well, who was in the ghost costume, I

asked myself?Who was pursuing Tamara?

Let's have a look. Let's have a look at

their debris. AhSo it's two skiers

together. Steve Podboski, come on. Well,

once again, it wasn't quite right on the

day for you. No, not so far, but I think

our team, Team Panda, has a great chance

of moving ahead soon. Let me ask the

Duchess of York, will you please that

performance, ma'am?Were you pleased?Yeah,

it's brilliant. Do I have to say anything

else?Is your voice coming back?No. All

right, let's go and find out what was

happening elsewhere. Where's the other

ghost?Where's he gone?He's

departed. He's on it. Oh.

Shall we say a big R as he goes?A nice

big R for the ghost who fell. Come on.

Was Judy's time beaten?I asked Paul

Daniels?Well, yes, it was. I mean, look

at this. It's an incredible game here,

because although they did an incredible

18 seconds, they were pipped at the post

by a platinum-plated pollutograt. And

they got in there 17 seconds, and it just

fell off. So what I'll do... is I

confirm that time. Now, as you can see

now, because they played the Joker and

came third, they get four points and

here, sadly, never finished.

Only get one, one shield on there for

that shame about that. And of course,

these were the winners with four. I mean,

they get the full time, they're 17

seconds, great winner. Well, that was

Tamara, yes. Ever, look, played the

Joker. Yes. They get 6, they're the

highest scorers and it's the World

Wildlife Fund on the Greens. So we're

going on. And now.

The running total in the competition, it

stands like this. The Duchess of York in

the lead with 10 points, the Princess

Royal with nine, the Duke of York with

eight, and Prince Edward with five. And

we've had four jokers played.

And now, good people of Alton,

prepare yourselves for merriment with

McDonald's restaurant's knock and

night. Thank you, Aled.

Knock a knight and how do we do it?With

me on stage, the divine Fiona Fullerton.

Well, now you have a little megaphone

with you. Absolutely. Can you hear me,

Gary?Can we hear me, Gary?So I go down

and find out who Gary is. You've already

seen him this afternoon in a

partial state of disrobement. But welcome

again, a round of applause for Gary

Lineker. Come on, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, Gary Lineker has the big black bag

in front of him, and before me he has

knights to knock down. Eight knights, and

the only way he can do it is by obeying

the lovely Fiona's instruction. But first

of all, we have another joker, the

second royal joker. A little applause,

please, for the Duchess of York.

Exhort your companions, ma'am.

Well, okay, you've seen the challenge.

Gary Lineker puts on the helmet. Paul,

Daniels. Yeah, that's it. Great. Master

magician, can he see Paul?Yeah, no, he

can't see a thing. He can't see a thing.

Neither can I. Well, don't blow my head

off. The last time the gun went off, it

cinched my eyebrows. Oh, yes, it

did. It blew them off. Got my eyelashes.

Minute and a half. Three, two, one.

Okay, Gary, pull it right back. Pull it

right back. And push it really hard.

Push it, push it, push it. Yeah!

Fantastic!Oh,

that's wonderful. It's your left. It's

behind you, Gary. It's behind you,

Gary. Behind you. It's behind you. There

it is. There it is. It's in front of

you, Gary. It's coming towards you. There

it is. OK, pull it back. Pull it back.

Now push it. Push it. Push it straight.

Fantastic. Really hard. A bit to your

left. A bit to your left. Fantastic. Push

it hard. Yes!

Yes

Okay, you got it, Gary. Okay, push it

really hard. Push it straight from there,

really hard. Come towards me. Keep it

straight. No, to your left, to your left.

Okay, to your left, to your left, Gary,

it's behind you, it's behind you. To your

left, it's in front of you, Gary, it's in

front of you, it's coming towards you. To

your left, to your left, to your left, to

your left, it's behind you, it's behind

you. To your right, to your right, to

your right. There, thereIt's in front of

you. It's in front of you. To your left,

to your left, to your left, to your left.

It's

behind you. To your right, to your right,

to your right. Behind you. There it is.

Come on. OK. It's to your left, to your

left, to your left, to your left. There

it is. OK. Pull back, pull back, pull

back. OK, push to your left, to your

left, to your left, to your left.

Gary, you've got four. A round of

applause, please, for Fiona.

And Gary. Well, that

was a super run there by Gary and

Fiona and Paul put up the good news.

Well, the good news is, well, look at

that. I mean, that was incredible. We've

seen the rehearsals for this. That's a

good score. Five nights down the

Swanee. Absolutely. And now let's come to

heat 2. Here we go. So Paul, the

mystery, the mystery person. It's going

to start in about 2 seconds. Three, two,

one. Run, run,

run, run, run. That's it. It's

coming back to us. Stay where you are

there. From the United States of America,

race superhero. Turn, watch, turn, watch.

Push hard. That's it. Yay.

Coming back towards you. Catch it now.

Turn, watch, turn, watch. Stop.

Run forward. Run, run, run, run.

Unfortunately, that knight should have

gone down, but he's trapped under the

first of the fallen. It's coming

slightly, slightly ring. Push. It's

coming back. Ring, ring, ring. That's it.

Turn, watch, turn, watch, run. That's

run. That's it. It's coming back towards

you. Ring, ring, ring.

Good. Run straight. Five down. Three to

go. Go straight towards me. Run. That's

it. God. You're doing

well. You're doing well. Keep running

towards me, towards me, towards me. God.

Catch it. Good. You've got it.

Run towards me, towards me. Run straight

at me. That's it. Good.

Come down here. Get it.

Jenny! Stop,

you've done it! You've done it! You've

got the ball up! It's finishing the

game's over. Jenny, come

down and embrace, please, because that is

a world record.

There we go, come here. Now then.

Jenny, marvelous, marvelous performances.

Walter Payton, of course, of Chicago

Bears, the greatest Americanfootball

in the world, weren't you?You

were going to see, you could see through

that mask, tell as you didn't you?I

could. What I did was, I lined myself up

before we started, and I just pushed it

straight and I knew it would come back.

So that's what I had to just raise my

arms out and it came back. Absolutely

marvellous. Ladies and gentlemen, Walter

Payton and Jenny Agatha, please, round of

applause.

Well, the audience loved it.

And there it is. There's the answer. He's

put it up. The Princess Royals team. One

minute 16. One minute 16 by 8.

Emlyn Hughes comes in to

celebrate and we come to hit three. All

sung by. Three, two, one.

Remember your left, keep going. Push

left, left, left, go, right. The Mystery

Knights getting one and knocks over

another one. The bag did it for him, I

think. Behind you, coming behind you,

coming behind you, coming behind you now,

now, now, nowKeep left, keep straight

ahead now, hard, hard, hard. Right, go

back, go back, keep to your left, to your

left, to your left, to your left, behind

you, behind you, behind you, behind you,

coming now, coming now. Get ready, grab,

go. Right, there it is. Straight ahead,

straight ahead, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left. Yes, back, back,

stop, stop, stop, left, left. Straight

ahead. Come right, come right, come

right, straight ahead, straight ahead and

hard, hard, hard, hard, really hard.

Hard, hard, hard. That's it. Go back,

stop, stop, stop

Stand up, stand up, stand up. Coming

behind you, behind you, behind you. Ready

now, now, stop, there. Straight

ahead, straight ahead, straight ahead.

Left, left, left, left, left, left. Go

back, stop now, stop, grab, grab, grab,

grab. Come forward, come forward,

straight ahead. Left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left. Go

back, stop, stop, grab left, left,

left. Stop, coming behind you, behind

you, behind you. Coming, ready, grab

left, right. Coming,

come forward, come forward. Right, go

quick, right, right, right, right

Behind you, behind you, behind you. Stop,

grab now, grab now. Okay, right.

Left, left, straight ahead. Straight

ahead, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard,

hard, hard, hard. And

let us reveal the identity.

Duncan Goodhue, ladies and gentlemen,

Kiri, and on the scoreboard. Wait aminute,

we have the money knocked over by

himself, will you?Yes, because I was in

deadline with it, and this ball swung

over and would have knocked it over. Yes,

he did, and the ball swung straight over

him and the knight. It was in deadline

and I was judging it, ma'am, so sorry

about that. Is this an official process,

ma'am?Yes. Judge's word is final. Thank

you. Thank you, ma'am.

There'll be protests about you, meatloaf.

No, not yet. Wait. Wait until he'd fall,

right. Paul?Well, as you saw, then,

there's some very posh people objecting

around here. Yes, yesIt's very low-key.

Very low-key. But in truth, I was in

deadline with the night as he stumbled

backwards. And the ball went

straight through the line. It would have

knocked it over. We've given him the six

on the top there. Five down here, all

down in, 116 to beat. And the Joker

goes next on the Shelter for the

Homeless. That's the Duchess of York's

charity. We shall see. She's a lot to do,

but the Joker's on it. Ball. What an

actor. He is. Three, two, one. Go

straight ahead, baby. So going for the

Duchess of York. Yeah, you've got it. OK,

cut in. Add in to Cook, was it?Yeah,

you've got it. Okay, 12 o'clock meeting,

straight ahead, 12 o'clock. Yeah, you've

got it, meeting. Oh, try that one again.

Great, 12 o'clock meeting.

Meeting, meeting, 6 o'clock.

Meeting, no, 6 o'clock meeting. It's

in front of you. It's in front of you.

Go, yeah, you've got it, you've got it.

Now 12 o'clock meeting, 12 o'clock. 12

o'clock meeting, 12 o'clock. It's in

for the cannon. Meaty, straight ahead.

Twelve o'clock, Meaty. Meaty, 12 o'clock.

Meaty, 12 o'clock. Yeah. Yes, it's

coming back at you. Time to go. Okay,

Meaty. Now, Meaty, 11 o'clock, Meaty.

That's it. No, 12 o'clock, 12 o'clock. Go

for it. Twelve o'clock. Meaty, go. Yeah.

YeahMeaty, coming back

at you. Try that again. Try that again,

Meaty. Twelve o'clock. Yeah, go for it.

Meaty, go. Yes. Got

it. Try that once more. Yeah. Okay.

You're right. Set, set, setIt's coming

back at you. Six o'clock. Okay. Three

o'clock, meeting. Nine o'clock, meeting.

It's behind you, meeting. That's it.

You've got it. Okay. Set right. Right

Twelve o'clock, meeting. Twelve o'clock,

12 o'clock. That's it. You've got

it. Okay, it's behind you, Meaty. Wait

for it to go. Six o'clock and catch it,

Meaty. It's coming at you six o'clock,

Meaty. That's it, you've got it. AhOh,

no, then. Meatball.

Well, they saved their joker at the last

breath, you know, Paul. They absolutely

did. And in the McDonald's restaurants,

not a night, I have to tell you that the

green team are... are the last ones,

they've got 5 down, so they only get one

shield for that. Now, this came second,

the Yellow Team International Project,

they've got two shields for this. Now,

actually, this team came second, but they

played the Joker, you see. Yes, they've

got three points, doubling up to six.

Doubling up to six, and this, a one

minute 16, incredible as it may seem,

they knocked them all down, saved the

children four months. And so in the lead

now, with two jokers played, the Duchess

of York with 16 points, the Princess

Royal with 13, the Duke of York with 9,

and Prince Edward with seven points. And

on with the tournament. Once again,

we summon forth more Hardy souls to

attempt the Aster marathon. And yet

again, a goblet of merriment, in which

Hardy souls attempt to assay a passage

across an aquatic conduit. Let us meet

the team. Bless you. Virginia Lang, what

do you think of your chances?Good. Red

team. Yes. And

the enthusiasm is catching. Thank you,

everybody. And Sunil Gavaskar.

Yes, sir. What do you think of this?This

looks pretty interesting. Well, if you do

this, you'll be out on bail. Be out on

bail. Put a rotten gag. Anthony Andrews,

extraordinaire. This is your big moment.

Yes. I think enough said, do you?

And last but never least, Jackie Stewart.

How do you think of your chance with this

fine day?Well, I don't like the water. My

team were going to withdraw because the

pool wasn't heated, but we've chosen to

participate for sport's sake. What

wondrous athlete. Right, off you go. On

the groaning table this time, that

sardonic scaramoose, John Cleese.

The ever-ravishing Toyah Wilcox.

Lord Knock, may I commence the second

marathon?Certainly. Off

you go. Go.

What a mess. Come on, Virginia, you can

do it, love. Wonderful. Yes, you're

nearly there.

You didn't last lang anyway.

Andrews, a first class hand being hit by

a hand. Oh, no. Tally,

sir, tally in your endeavour. Those

legs are tongue point to a sparrow. Keep

it up. Well done, Andrews. You've got the

salt, Andrews. Well done.

Splendid effort.

Standing up slow. It wasn't time

to make an opinion. Off you go, Andrew.

Well done, Jack. Oh, splendid, Jack.

Wonderful.

You may as well have started in thewater.

Come on, Virginia. Imagine on the back of

a gelding.

Don't let it be, you grip it tightly.

That's it. Come on, you're going to do

it. Not long now. Oh, no, you're not.

Andrews is trying once again to go across

the log. It's not a very formidable

effort. It looks like a palsy frog.

Come on, Andrews, you can do it. Your

agent's in. Come on. One more. Don't

give up. Just a few. Come along. Two

inches. Ah, you're doing it well, lad. Oh,

get tips, tips. That

is the end, and they've scored.

Well, that's the end of the second age of

the Asda Marathon. Must you

cheat?One. One it is.

One it is. To the other side. One.

Where is it?Where is it?So be it.

So be it.

And now, noble gentlefolk, a

romantic interlude as we join the

Canada Life Assurance lovers.

Thank you, Arid. And what a divine story

it is. The story of Romeo and Juliet, the

two Juliet's on the balcony, Jane Seymour

and Annika Rice waiting for their Romeos.

Night's candles are burnt out and a

russet dawn stands tiptoe on the sleepy

mountain tops. The audience are by now

blowing kisses at our two Juliet's.

Noisily. But where are the two

Romeos?And to please,

for the Duchess of York and the Duke of

York, Griff,

Rhys-Jones and Christopher.

And what is more,

ebulliently played by His Royal Highness,

the Prince Edward, the Joker. Why, sir,

are you so confident, I must ask?This is

for the second heat. This is the second

heat, of course, but who is playing it

for you?We're playing Barry

against, and Tessa, the lovely Tessa is

going to be on the balcony. Two world

champions?Absolutely. No wonder, sir, you

are playing your geography. We'll get it.

We'll get it right this time. Thank you

very much indeed. And now, boys, to your

positions, please. You know what you have

to do to deliver 3 roses across the icy

pool by means of the raft without

falling in the icy water. One rose at a

time between the teeth, up the balcony by

means of a knotty throat. Four. Yes, they

have to pass it over the top of the

balcony. No throwing of your

roses. No cheating. And then you get back

and get your more light, you know what I

mean?All right, right, here we go. Three,

two, one. Two and 1/2 minutes from now.

Across the pool. The

rose between the teeth.

Bef Rhys Jones and Christopher.

And it's going to be over in no time at

all. But of course the game ends.

The game's not over because the lovers

have to flight their trope on dry land.

Annika Rice is coming down via the rope.

Come down by the rope, Annika, by the

rope.

It's by the rope.

Penalties, penalties, there are

penalties. Penzies, it's by the rope.

Jane Seymour is in the game properly.

Jane Seymour. Jane,

come to Christopher.

Shallow, follow dive.

The dress is wet, but the hair is still

intact. Hollywood,

are you noticing?

Paul Daniels is back, you adjudicates.

Though way it is at the moment, we have

added a ten-second penalty to Madam

Annika. Madam Annika Rice

gets a ten-sec... Are you sure?A

ten-second penalty. So we have to put a

minus 10 on there. We will now go away

and calculate it, but the way it's worked

out on time, she's still in the lead.

Well, let's get on with the second heat,

then. Right. Away, Jeff. Away,

Paul. We've reset the roses and we're

ready to go. Would you welcome, please,

the man aptly chosen for this game by the

Princess Royal, Mr Tom Jones.

And the 85 World Featherweight title,

carrying the colours of the Prince Edward

and the Joker, Barry McGuigan.

Roses in the teeth. Two and a half

minutes. Two and a half minutes you've

got. Three, two, one. Barry

off and running.

It's funny.

Tom Jones, all muscle, all

voice, all Welsh heart. But Barry

McGrady have a lead for the Joker. It's

all on time now. But

equalist Tom. Tom's going well.

Tom is really going for it.

Come on now, look at this, Sheena Easton.

What was it all on?It's the Joker.

It's the Joker on it, and...

Justice Anderson and Barry.

Don't run away. Don't run away, don't run

away. Come here, come here with me. Cliff

Richard's making a protest. Cliff,

what's the protest?I've changed my mind,

it's all right. No,

no, noHe wasn't out of the water, she was

down. No, no, he was out. But Barry

McGuigan and Tessa Sanderson fought a

very clean fight, didn't the audience?

Well, now look at this big hug here. No,

come here. No, no, no, no, no, noBecause

he's rather special, as he says, Tom

Jones, our own boy. Where are we up to

now?Are you coming back to live with us?

Are you staying in the United States?

We're a bit of both. I live partly in the

States and partly here. And

how come you are taking part in our

grand knockout tournament?Well, because

it's there are four

charities that need to be supported. So I

thought I'd help out. Now, your son,

Mark, told me this morning. You were more

nervous about appearing on stage here

with us mad lot than you were about doing

a concert at Wendy. Well, it's easier to

sing than to climb ropes, with roses in

your mouth. Come on, give a big, big

round of applause for the one only, Tom

Jones.

And now,

and now, and now, Paul, takes a bit of

sorting out, but you've done it. Come on.

Now, to the best of our ability, because

there was a very strange thing happened

here. Actually, as you can see, the blue

team has only scored one because they

took one minute, 2 seconds to complete

the course, and the green team here have

scored three because they took 50

seconds. But if you see this, this is

very sad, because here we have the

undoubted winner with four on the clock

there, 46 on the clock and four points.

But look at this. This could have been

the winner. They tried to fiddle.

Are you telling me?I'm sure it was

just the heat of the moment. The heat of

the moment. He had a false start and the

lady didn't wait till he was clear of the

water. We had to penalise him a total of

8 seconds and they are now with the

Joker, they've got 4 as well. They are

joint winners on this game, but they've

played a Joker in the Canada Life

Assurance Lovers. So let's go through

that. Prince Henry picks up four points,

the Princess Worm picks up four. The

Duchess of York picks up one, and the

Duke of York 3. Sweet friends,

on a day such as today, there are, of

course, no winners and no losers.

There are just a bunch of people who turn

out to be very good, and another bunch

who turn out to be completely and utterly

useless. It is my duty as Lord of Knock

to offer some advice to the captains of

those teams that may be lagging behind.

Try gentleness, try encouragement,

try discussion of tactics. And if they

fail, try a good, firm clip round the

ear with a wet gauntlet. Thank you.

My lords, ladies and

gentlemen, pray silence

as eight noblemen determine who shall

be Harrod's king of the castle.

And here we come, the kings of the

castle. with the four royal team

captains, eight very

famous personages,

in the gigantic king of the castle

crossing, the year 1500,

887. In this year,

Mary, Queen of Scots had already lost her

head in more ways than one, and our

giants will lose their heads as of now.

So we stop and we form a semi-circle.

The royal team captains and our four

dukes line up. The 4 would be kings.

Only one will be king. On round one,

2 kings will be eliminated. You must be

extremely confident, sir. I am reasonably

confident on this morning's rehearsal.

Yes, so am I.

Anything can happen in these games. And

you?You make it happen. Right. All right,

sir. There's A joker. That's A joker, and

we're ready to start.

Right, we stand back. The last two will

be eliminated. The great king of the

castle race, Paul. Three, two,

one.

All the yellows are gone.

It's all on the green, the two greens.

Sorry, I think it's the two blues.

Let's find out the identity first of all.

The 2 blues who've gone. Brian Cooper and

Mel Smith, you've gone out in the last...

Mel! Did you realise you were

head-butting your compatriot?

It's a lovely way to meet new people,

isn't it?We did so well this

morning, I can't believe it. I'm

absolutely gutted, Gavner, you know what

I mean?You were fighting with him to get

through the hole. It was him, was it?Yes.

I wonder who it

was. Bad blow for the Dutch of New York.

They're in the lead. But Paul?Well, I've

got to tell you there, you can see the

blue team have only scored three on this

game so far because they went through the

gate last. And my knight and I will fight

any man that says different. Right, here

we go. Ready?

Three, two, one, go!

Oh, look at the greens, look at the

greens going. The two greens are knocking

each other out. Oh!

Oh, cheating. I saw it.

I've seen everything.

He's going, he's dying to, he's

jockstrapped. No, you can't.

Well, that was about, I don't know how

you're gonna sort that one out.

Who was eliminated there?A scoreful.

Well, did you see that?I mean, the

yellow showed great initiative there

and bundled through first. So the red

collect 4 here and the yellow have got

the three, I'm afraid. I mean, it was a

whole hoo-ha at the end. Yeah, the last

two to go, the yellow and the red. That's

the decision. But at the top end, with a

bit of mayhem, I'm going to investigate.

There's a lot of cheating here. A

lot of malpractice. Michael

Palin's in. Sir, what is

happening?Some yellow man, some yellow

man came along and knocked my green man

over. Clear the field. Wait a minute,

wait a minute. The shoelace is undone.

Three, two. The Duke of York is standing

in front of him.

Oh,

no! Oh, no! I don't believe it!

I protest on that rerun because the

starter started it without us being

ready. Oh, can I have it official again?

The starter started that race without the

greens being ready and you were standing

in front of one of the greens. So we

would like to rerun that race.

Paul. Did you notice that the one that

wasn't ready was actually first down the

field?Did you notice that?No, I

wasn't. No, you were right in front and

he fell over, which is very sad. He was

the leader all the way down. And as you

know, Stuart, beloved one, I received

my orders from above and somebody said,

They have to go. Protest. We support

his protest, yeah. And

I suspect you'll find the crowd will

support our protest too.

Right then. Who says that we should have

a rerun?

No! And the side of the side?Yes!

Do the eyes have it?No!

The judges go into a huddle. Gary Lineker

was hot off the blocks, but it means 2

greens have gone. Listen.

The judges say no rerun.

Who said knockout was all fun and games?

It's for real, this, isn't it?Yeah. You

see the problem here is some people

believe this is real. It is. Yes. Now,

look, there'll be no reruns or anything

like that. It was a fair and square. They

had enough time to get ready. And they've

gone through 5th and 6th, okay, making a

total of 11 here. And that's their Joker

played as well. So now, let's look at

them now. Who's for Emlyn Hughes?

Who's for Steve Crum?

Clear the field.

Clear the field, stand by. Three, two,

one. Steve Crum in the yellow. Emlyn

Hughes in the red. Emlyn Hughes and Steve

Crum. Emlyn playing

tactics. It's going to be over here. No,

he could be.

No touching, no touching. He's a, what

is, it's a violent strength.

Is Emlyn Hughes still inside there?

I tell you what. Crazy Horse.

Crazy Horse. You never know when you've

beaten, do you?No one's going to let him

beat me. You're like Red Run. You're

impossible. And Steve Crown's office is

bad. Well done. Round of applause for two

great contestants there. Come on, please.

So now, another concluding round.

Fantastic match there between Emlyn and

Steve. The Harrods King of the Castle

game. Paul, your final adjudication.

Well, to arrive at it, you have to add

these. So together, of course, which

we've done on your behalf, Sarah. Thank

you. And as you can see, the blue team

have come in last with only one. And here

we have the yellow team. They were second

from last. They've got two. The Save the

Children, actually one with four again.

But this is the team that's come on with

the most on the scoreboard at the moment,

because they played the Joker. They came

second. We add them together. They got

11, they've got three each, and of

course, that makes them six. And the real

winners. Duke of York is still... Could

you have just farmed that #4 and put it

back on, please?Oh, all right, then. You

must have a #4 somewhere. I used to know

the weather, you know. And the

tournament as it stands, boiling up to a

climax. The Princess Royal in the lead

with 21 points. The Duke of York and the

Duchess of York tied on 18 points apiece

and Prince Edward on 13.

And now fair and esteemed gathering.

The penultimate challenge in the Astor

marathon. Yes, indeed, and yet another

covey of heroic chaps and leaders will

ferment. If they can upon this day across

this piece of timber, the cross is water

which is so filthy by this time that even

the bacteria has been immunised. Let us

meet the team. Judy

Simpson. All right, Judy.

Well, it's pretty hairy, as you see. What

do you think?I think it looks very cold.

It looks extremely cold, but all the very

best. You do your best, Judy. Michael

Palin. Wonderful. You've been a stalwart

today, Michael. What think of thou

chances upon this day?Very good. I think

we've been training intensively for 8

minutes this morning, so I think we're

pretty confident there. Well, I saw you

in the bar where you were laid. All the

best, Michael. Nigel Mansell.

Just say what you think about this.

Well, we're doing his pressures on his

tyres, and they blew the gun off, didn't

they?They kept him in the socks. That's A

dreadful thing to do. You may get your

own back on this time. George, listen to

me. Total false start. We've been run out

of, practically run out of town. I don't

know why all this cheating's going on.

No, I can't. Jimmy, tell me on the day

like this there's been cheating going on.

Yeah, we're about to make it up though.

There's nothing. Right, George, off you

go. Nothing you can do about it. Sat at

the groaning table. Viv

Richards.

With our most beautiful ladies. Jane

Seymour. Not yet.

Now Lord Knock, do I have your permission?

Absolutely. Let the game

commence. Here we go. And it's a good

start by George Lazenby, whose legs look

as though they should have a message

tattoo on. Go on, George. Guess he's

angry, this man. There's no way he's

going into the depth. Good. Well done,

John. Well done. Well,

splendid effort. Ansel started

slowing, he's dropping to a halt. Yes,

he seems a trifle wary of this, but it's

a good effort. It's a superb effort. And

he's a pride. Now, this doesn't look too

good here. Now, never mind.

I didn't seem...

Oh, well. Oh!

How's she doing?Come on, Judy. Well done,

Judy. Like an athletic frog.

Well done. Well done, Judy.

Well done. Well done indeed.

Super. Come on, George.

One stone is 003. Come on.

Come on, George, you can do it.

You're leaving something behind, George.

God knows what it is. Well

done. Come on, Nigel.

Quick, quick, quick. Three.

Three. Three. Keep it up. Keep on. No.

And he's got bail it again. Well, now

he's on. Come on, Michael. Screw it a bit

tightly with the legs up. Keep going.

Keep going. Keep going. No.

Come on, Judy. Oh, she's superb.

Judy knows exactly where she's going. She

knows exactly where she's going. Come on.

Keep going. Well done. No. Hold

on. Goodbye.

The undefeated ladies in me once again.

Come along, George. Come on, George. Come

on, George. Watch the

butter. Stop,

stop, stop

Three. Right. How many have we got?

Four. Ladies and gentlemen.

The green team have scored four

points. Four points. Four points.

Tonight, a mighty banquet shall be

prepared. Lord Knock has summoned the

help of the Britannia Building

Society cooks. And between

the two enormous cooking pots, through

the fire and the rimstone, the

red-cloaked figureRoyal Highness,

Princess Royal, bearing the Joker to

mighty cheers from our humble audience.

This is a Joker. Yes.

Good guess. Well,

you've been at me all afternoon,

instructing me in the art of knockout.

Oh, no, I'm doing anything like that.

Well, let's have a look at your cast

list. I was just wondering why you're

playing the Joker on this particular

game. I don't know. I was told that we

had to get it in before the end, so...

There's not many left. Yes, but I see

Emily Hughes and Debbie Flintoff and

Virginia Lange against Griffreys Jones,

Margot Ketter and Fiona Fudenham. You

must fancy your chances, someone. Well,

I'm not doing it, but they seem to think

they might be able to catch them. Well,

we wish you good luck. Thank you very

much indeed. A little applause for Royal

Highness. Yes.

Well, a lot of applause then, a lot of

applause. Much applause.

The game will unfold. I'm not going to

say any more on Paul Danielson's gun.

We are going to get run over. We stay

here. I'm going to fire this gun and run

myself. The vegetables, the gooks are

coming. Three, two, one, go!

So the two onions, the two leeks, the two

potatoes for each team. A

red cook comes out right away.

A red cook, that's Virginia

Leng, and a yellow cook. Now, each

team has to collect just one vegetable.

One potato,One onion,

one leek. So the

red team now have got to get in

their potato. So what have we got?We've

got Debbie Flintoff after the onion.

We've got Sarah Hardcastle, who's

obtained the vegetable. Debbie Flintoff

against a rather nifty pair of veg. She's

got the onion. Debbie's got the onion,

and when it's touched, it must lie down.

And for the yellow team, for Prince

Edward... We've got

Tessa, she's got a leak. So it's neck and

neck. It's Prince Edward, the Princess

Royals. Everything on Tessa, and it goes

in the pot. And Eddie Grant... Eddie

Grant with his dreadlocks, she's off the

bottom. It's Eddie Grant.

Oh, dear me. Oh, dear me.

I feel sorry for the leak. Leave the leak

alone. It's Griff Reece Jones. Oh,

I don't know, I give

up. Come on, Eddie.

Eddie Grant brings an onion and puts it

in the pot. And as soon as it gets in,

the game finishes. Come on, Tess, Sarah.

Oh.

Well, you can't believe this.

Jenny, she was off the block

so fast. You were off the block so fast.

You'd captured the first vegetable in

about 5 seconds flat. And Emily finishes

it all off, as he always does. Hey.

Well, we'll have to see how the joke

goes. Okay, Paul, let's have the

scoreboard. Well, as you can see, the

survey children from are in the lead.

They're on the Joker. They've done 103.

Yellow team there, 129. But we knocked a

little bit off this score because

vegetable didn't die immediately. Of

course. This is a very fair score.

Absolutely. So now we have the Duchess of

York against the Duke of York. Let's go

and start. And on the gun, it will start.

Three, two, one.

I see the legs of Steve Crime and an

onion. There's no doubt about that.

Pam Stevenson.

Pam Stevenson and Cliff Richard.

Yes?

Pamela Stevenson, running good loose

against Cliff Richard and John Travolta.

It's John Travolta on the route of

York.

Pam Stevenson, the one and only John

Travolta, the star, the superstar.

John Travolta delivers the goods, pops it

in the pot. Releases Annika

Rice, going for the New New York. Who

goes for the Duchess?Meatloaf.

No, I need meatloaf. Who's going for the

New York?It's Gale Greenough.

What's she aiming for?Which veggies was

she going for?Go for the potato, we need

the potato now. This is Gail,

here. What's happened to the onion?Oh,

that's unfair. The onion's hiding behind

the tent over there. That's out of

balance. The onion, Gail. Has

she got him?She got him, yes. Annika Rice

has got a potato.

She's fell, Sheena Easton.

Here comes Gail Greenho. Come on, Gail,

make haste. Make haste.

We need the onion.

And it's the least got her meatloaf's

released. It's meatloaf.

And I don't think meatloaf will ever

catch that onion, I'll tell you.

This is gonna go on all night.

It's heavy metal. It's heavy metal

against Olympic gold. Come on, Meatloaf.

Go on, Meaty. Go on,

Meaty. No! Oh!

So, Paul, there we are with the time of

Prince Edward 129 for the Princess Royal

103. for the Duchess of

York out of time. The Duke of York is

159, and the awarding of the points as

thus. Well, as you can see here, the

meatloaf is still running, so they've

only got one there. Of course, the World

Wildlife Fund have got two here. And in

the Britannia Building Society Cooks

Tour, we've got three for the Yellow

Team, but Princess Royal did it right.

Played the Joker, doubled the score, got

8 on that scoreboard.

And as a result... The tournament now

stands at the Princess Royal in the lead,

handsomely with 29 points. The Duke

of York with 20, the Duchess of York with

19, and Prince Edward, who were firm

favourites at the start, with 16.

Alas, an interloper is in our

midst, the worst for ale.

Ladies and gentlemen, let us observe

the uninvited guest. Without more ado,

let us release this uninvited guest.

Don't blow my head off again, Paul.

Three, two, one.

And he comes, here's the drunk,

reeling from side to side. And

something magic happens to those chairs,

operated by Barry, Christopher, John and

Kiri.

And

he's made it safely. And he comes.

Viv, down the stairs, you've got to come,

find the stairs and sit on the stool and

the game finishes. The game finishes,

the uninvited guest, but... Come on, boy.

And you've got to sit down and the game

finishes as of... He has to sit down.

Right, come on, take the costume off,

lose, let's see who's in. Come on. Take

up, Miss Gustin. We did a good run for

you. The one and only to Viv

Richards. Super champ.

Yeah, yeahOK. It's

Meatloafs coming in. Three, two,

one. Tamara McKinney comes in. Meatloaf's

in. Christopher's in. Michael Brandon,

Steve Corbyn on the first chair. And

it's a big, strong, drunken guest.

And there's no doubt about it. He's

through in no time. It's all against the

clock. Down the stairs. This is

Prince Edward. Come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on, come onOn the

chair, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Superman, take off the costume.

And once again, it's Duncan Goodhill.

We're ready, Paul. Yes, we

are. Three, two, one, go

for it. Oh, it's Michael

Palin. Played a few fun games this time,

he's on the first chair.

And George Lazenby, Riff Rees Jones, Judy

Simpson, and the Duke of York, and they

attempt to bring him down.

But he's through. It's a great run. It's

a marvellous run by the Princess Royal's

team. From the front, from the front.

Sit down, Tom. Come on up with the

costume. Ladies and everyone,

Tom Jones.

It's not unusual, ehOh, boy.

Three, two, one.

Tactics playing a part here. The Princess

Royal at the back of the game, exhorting

them.

Oh! Oh, dear.

Bad tactics there.

This could be the winning time. The

winning time could be... Oh!

No doubt about that. As

you all come forward and shake Steve

Podbosky's hand, and that could be the

record tie, the world record tie. I

should have put the joker on that,

shouldn't I?You should. That was a small

miscalculation. So,

it's very obvious that Steve Podbosky won

the great drunken race. And what a

lightning game. Yeah, as you can see

here, the blue team came in last week, 45

seconds. And that was fast, but they only

got 1 shield for that. And of course,

where we go from there is here to 40

seconds, and the red team, they got two

shields for that. And international

project, the yellow team got 20 seconds

on that, they got, so that's three

points. But the winner, I mean, look at

this, four points for the World Wildlife

Fund, 19 incredible seconds. Oh, here we

go. The Princess Royal in the lead with

31 points, the Duke of Royal with 24,

Duchess of York with 20, and Prince

Edward with 19.

My Lord Knock now calls upon the

final challengers, brave and true,

for the Astor Marathon. And thee,

Herald, and without preamble, let us

meet the team for the 4th each of the

Astor Marathon. First of all, Gail

Greenough. Now, what do you think of the

problems here?Well, I understand the

water's pretty cold, so I don't think I

really want to fall in today. I don't

think you will. Now smile, you won't.

Let's have a look. Brian, Brian Cooper.

What thing is thou?

I figure my dogs would have a better

chance than me, but I'm going to try to

walk across the board. Don't worry, the

dogs have already done things, innit?

Right. Mel Smith, a noble name with a

noble face. Tell me what you think, Mel.

It's better than playing a potato. It is

better than playing a potato. You're

still hearing the chips. And of course it

is Ben Cross. Thank you very much,

Leslie. Okay, Ben, what do you think?I

think I'm going to get very wet. Thank

you. Right, on the team, seated at the

groaning table, we have Judy Simpson,

maybe, and George lays him back to

extraordinaire. Lord Knock,

may I continue with the marathon?

Off.

Come on, you can do it. Come on, Gail.

Oh, no. Oh, whoa,

indeed, whoa. Brian Cooper's making

pretty good progress there. Come on,

Brian. Grip the pole well

with a lower extra. Mel

Smith, that fine figure of a man.

Is it a meat pudding?No. Go,

Mel.

Oh, God. Ben Cross.

What a wonderful figure of that. Look at

those legs. There should be a message

chargeable. Go

on. Well done, Ben.

Not giving up. Gail is continuing. You're

going to do it, Gail. You can do it. This

is your big chance. This is it.

Well done.

Brian, well done. Keep it up.

Look at that, sure-footed as a mountain

goat. Watch the splinters.

Well done, lad.

And it's the mind bent.

Gale, oh, tis enough.

And 2 not double scores. The blue team

are finished with two. No double scores.

Thank you very much. Now we transfer the

points to the master scoreboard, which is

yellow team with four. Red with one,

green with four and, of course, blue with

two.

Assembled loyal servants.

Our tournament would not be complete this

day without our final game,

the joust. So, high drinks

on this last game. They have to go down

the arena, towed by the two boys.

knocking down the targets with their

lance. Four targets, there will be large

explosions, they get to the bottom, and

then they come back in the most

mysterious way. Paul, and we're ready.

We're off and running. The last game,

and as we're going to the last game, the

Princess Royal with 32, the Duke of York,

28, Prince Edward, 23, the Duchess of

York, 22. The targets are going down,

everyone's knocked down by Prince Edward.

Prince Edward's team, what in lead?From

the Princess Royal, they turn round, a

damsel has. to jump on the back of the

horse. For Prince Edward, it is

Sarah Hardcastle.

She must get on the horse. She's on the

horse. But look at this, the Princess

Royal, Anthony Andrews with Virginia

Lange! Oh, look at this, the Princess

Royal coming in first, finish first!

Oh, I can't believe it! From Prince

Edward.

And the Duchess of York.

That was Steve Cawthon with Jane Seymour.

What a lovely couple. A

protest again. Bethinks another protest

from whom?Well, now

then, the result of the last game for.

Well, as you can see, it was very

straightforward. It didn't bother to time

it because it was very clear-cut. I mean,

look at the positions, one, two, three

and four, which of course means in

reverse order of the world, while I've

got one shield and of course the... Well,

well alone.

A little cheer for that, yes. We're the

blue team, yeah, they've got two, put me

off with that cheer. And the other team

got three, but three of the children came

home again in the league, 4 shields

on their points. The Princess Royal came

home, championed yet again. High enough.

So let me have the final scores. The

final score. And had some

winners with 36 points, Her Royal

Highness the Princess Royal.

And now let's have the finale.

Hear ye, hear ye,

hear ye. Lord Knock of

Knock shall now award the prize.

Now, it is always sad to have to pick out

a winner when all have behaved with such

consummate absurdity. But let the losers

take comfort in the thought that they

will never, ever look so foolish again.

But a victor, there must be, and myself

and Lady Knock are proud to present this

glorious trophyto the proud winner,

here on behalf of the Save the Children

Fund, Her Royal Highness, the Princess

Royal.

May she... Thank you. May

she carry it back with pride to her

faithful troops, and let them never

forget the day they came to Alton,

dressed up as headless men and giant

vegetables, and won a mighty victory.

Your Royal Highness, many

congratulations, and farewell to you all.

The.

The.