Original subtitles

So how come you're so smart?

Like, how come they call you "third"?

Well, I guess being smart just happened.

I was named after my mom's cousin's husband --

Clark Griswold the second.

I'm the third Clark Griswold -- Clark Griswold Johnson.

Do you have any brothers and sisters?

Yes.

They're with my grandma in Kansas,

except for my oldest sister.

She's working at a strip club in Las Vegas.

A strip club?

Mm-hmm.

Where do you live?

Well, my mom and dad and I are staying

with my cousin, Audrey Griswold.

She's visiting her boyfriend in Indianapolis.

So we're kind of house-sitting for her.

You know, the holidays.

Well, this is where I live.

My dad's a brain surgeon.

What's your dad do?

Um...he works in nuclear research.

Oh, he's a nuclear scientist?

Well...not exactly.

So we inject them with nuclear waste,

and then we study their brain waves

and other organs to examine the effects of the nuclear waste

on various species of anthropoids.

Oh!

Fascinating, professor.

But tell me -- they're playing ticktacktoe,

and the chimpanzee appears to be winning.

How is this possible?

Because... The monkey is smarter.

I'm sorry, Eddie.

We just got this directive from Washington,

and they're cutting costs.

We've been ordered to cut our study group by half.

So from now on we're only working till noon?

No, Eddie, I'm afraid this is between you and Roy.

One of you has to go.

Oh.

Gee, Roy, that's a tough break.

But don't worry -- you'll land on your feet.

It's not Roy we're letting go, Eddie.

It's you.

Well, why don't you fire him?

I mean, what has he got that I ain't got?

His brain waves register more distinctly than yours.

Which one's mine?

The one labeled "Eddie."

Oh.

I'll check other branches

and see if there's anything else available for you.

Oh, Eddie!

Merry Christmas!

I can't understand why they'd let me go just before Christmas.

And I worked hard, too.

I even helped plug the wires in my head.

That's more than Roy did.

It's just like the time a goat kicked me in the teeth

for milking her with the vacuum cleaner.

Eddie, don't feel so bad.

You know that monkey's pretty smart.

Oh, you'll find another job.

You're real good at it.

Yeah, you've done it lots of times.

I'm just a total flop.

Let's face it.

No, Eddie! Not...Total.

It's true, mom -- total.

I mean, this is the sixth job dad's lost

since they foreclosed on the farm,

and now he's lost out to a monkey.

Third, that's a terrible thing to say.

Well, the boy's right.

I'm just one big disappointment.

I'm sorry I let you down.

You're not a failure, and we have a lot to be thankful for.

We got a wonderful family. We're all together.

Well, except for four of the kids,

who are staying with grandma,

and our daughter who's in show business.

But we got one real smart kid.

Yeah, who thinks his daddy's dumb.

Oh, Eddie, no!

Oh, no, third has faith in you, and he thinks you're real smart.

Well, he thinks you have a good sense of humor.

Oh, Eddie, I know this has been a big disappointment to you,

but we'll figure something out.

And at least we got a roof over our heads, huh?

Yeah, but for how long?

I bet in a year or two,

Audrey will get sick of us living here and feeding us.

He thinks I got a real good sense of humor, huh?

Mm-hmm.

That's it!

Goldarn it, I'm gonna do it! What?

I'm gonna take a hot bath. I can't sleep.

You know what the preacher said

that time I got fired from that job

testing them second-hand recliners.

Things can only get better.

That was the day before the bank foreclosed on the dirt farm.

Catherine!

I'll take it from here.

Audrey left us these emergency numbers.

I'm gonna call the 24-hour emergency plumber.

They never close.

I never did trust indoor plumbing!

Ah!

I can't reach him. The line's busy!

We're gonna be washed away!

Boy to do a man's job.

I need bigger equipment!

Man: Hi, and merry Christmas!

This is the ever-ready plumbing service.

Merry Christmas to you.

Using your touch-tone phone,

please select from the following menu to accommodate your needs.

Um...i have a big problem here --

if you want our sales department

for the latest in bathroom and kitchen fixtures, press one.

And merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to you.

If you would like our billing department

for your latest billing information,

or to ask about our handy layaway plan, press two.

Unless you'd like to talk to Wally Evans,

our vice president of finance.

That office is open from 10:00 A.M. to 3:00 P.M.

And did I wish you a merry Christmas?

Yes, you did. Merry Christmas to you.

Can you hear me?

If you'd like to talk...

Stop! Stop it! I'm losing it!

Hello?

For Kathleen, Harry's secretary,

or Julie lynch in personnel, or Billy in accounting...

If you'd like our 4-color brochure

on our imported parisian bidets, press five and ask for Antoine.

Damn, rotten, dirty piece of sludge!

...safe, secure, pleasant Christmas.

Aahhh!

Oh, hi, Eddie. I didn't see you come in.

I have your severance check.

Merry Christmas!

Thanks, Jennifer.

Oh, Eddie, what are you doing here?

You here for your severance check?

Yeah. Professor doornitz, I wanted to talk to you.

I've been thinking, you know,

and well, I really like this job.

And I was wondering

if you could kind of reconsider letting Roy go

and keeping me on.

He ain't that smart.

He's just pretending to read.

Ow!

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.

You know, the thing about atomic energy and monkeys is...

Oh, uh...

Aah! Ohh! Ohhh!

He'll be fine.

You pumped so much atomic waste into him

that the area where the chimp bit him

healed almost immediately.

Thank god.

And, most importantly, the chimp is okay.

Oh, yeah. What about a possible lawsuit?

This guy's got one hell of a case.

He's not too bright. I'll think of something.

An all-expense-paid Christmas vacation

on an island in the south pacific!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

But you didn't get your job back.

They kept the monkey!

Yeah, Roy had a contract-- ironclad.

You lost another job,

and you and the monkey were the only ones

who applied for the job.

I mean, this is just another disaster.

Like back home, when you had to quit being a mail-order dentist

after you stapled the mayor's mouth together.

Third, your father remembers that.

You don't have to remind him.

I think this is exciting.

A Christmas vacation in the south seas --

tropical nights, beautiful white beaches,

luaus.

No cable TV, probably no fast food.

Oh, they got fast food. They got fried food everywhere.

I think we should look at this positively.

I mean, we've never had a real vacation.

It'll be an adventure.

You know professor doornitz?

He said that we're staying in the best motel

in the whole pacific ocean.

It'll probably be in a tree.

Why don't I just stay here with cousin Audrey for Christmas?

I mean, Paige is here.

No, no, no. Now we're gonna stick together.

No kid of mine's going off on their own till they're 13.

Catherine, cousin Eddie?

I'm gonna kill myself.

Merry Christmas!

Oh! Audrey, what's wrong?

What happened?

Daniel and I -- we broke up.

It's over.

The great love of my life, and it's over.

I will never find true love again.

I'm -- I'm -- I'm thinking about killing myself,

or -- or eating large amounts of ice cream.

I'd go for that ice-cream deal.

Could you imagine something that terrible happening

right before Christmas?

Oh.

I mean, we were perfect together.

We both liked the history channel and Japanese food

and raindrops on roses and little whiskers on kittens.

But, Audrey, if you were so great together,

why'd you break up?

Oh.

Found out he was married.

That'll do it.

Thanks for inviting me to stay with you

at the hotel in maluka, Catherine.

Uh-huh.

I need total relaxation,

and the south pacific sounds just great.

Oh, it'll be great having you with us, Audrey.

And, you know, Eddie needs relaxation, too,

what with him losing his atomic-research job.

I don't know why, boy,

but I got a feeling this trip's gonna be real good for us.

I don't know why, either, dad.

Hey, snots. Fetch.

Go get it!

Go get it.

Go get it! Go on!

Catherine, when they test Eddie for a reaction

from all that stuff he's exposed to,

does it have any effect on him?

No, he's fine.

And the plate in his head has become quite a good bug zapper.

Just fries those little fellows.

Whoo!

Yeah, I know.

Things ain't been so great for us the last 30, 40 years, boy,

but, you know, maybe this is a new beginning.

Maybe this is the time when things will start to go right.

Visiting a new...

Coun--

...new country.

Maybe I just needed this time to follow my passion.

You know, Audrey.

Eddie's really worried.

He's sort of run out of careers.

I don't know if you've noticed, but he's not perfect.

No one in his family is.

Third's perfect.

Yeah, third's perfect.

He takes after my side of the family.

All of our other kids take after Eddie.

Except for our daughter -- she's a marvelous stripper.

Come on, snot. Come on.

Now go get it!

Go!

You should have never let the agency off the hook.

The monkey bit you, and you took a Christmas vacation!

We could have found a good lawyer

and sued them for a fortune.

I don't think so.

Professor doornitz, he felt that I insulted Roy.

Snot, here you go.

Hey, hey, here.

Go get it!

Hello.

Merry Christmas.

Can I come in?

Uncle Nick!

Merry Christmas!

Audrey, this is Eddie's uncle Nick.

What's wrong?

Nothing! Can I come in?

Uncle Nick!

This is a surprise.

What are you doing here?

Merry Christmas.

I came here to die.

Now can I come in and die sitting down?

So aunt Jessica ran off

with the Christmas-tree delivery man?

A 28-year-old delivery man.

I didn't know they delivered.

A 28-year-old runs off with a 66-year-old grandmother?

I didn't think grandmothers thought about sex

and stuff like that.

Apparently, the thought entered her mind.

I'm so sorry, uncle Nick.

I'm sure she'll come back to you.

She was 17 when we were married,

and I was the first man who ever touched her.

I guess now there's a second.

Uncle Nick,

how come you're wearing a Santa claus jacket?

When he took off with Jessica,

he grabbed my good jacket and left me with this.

I just can't sit around that house all day all alone, Eddie.

And I thought I might...

Spend some time with you.

Well, gee, uncle Nick.

Roy bit me on the ass, and I lost my job.

We're all taking off

on an all-expense-paid Christmas vacation.

You lost another job? Yeah.

Roy bit you on the ass? Who's Roy?

Me and Roy -- we worked together.

But we're all flying out tomorrow.

Audrey is coming with us.

Daniel is married.

Daniel? Who's Daniel?

Oh, never mind. I don't care.

Where you going on your vacation?

Somewhere warm?

It's hot.

I'm going with you.

I don't like Christmas when it snows.

It's too sentimental.

Eddie, come on. We're gonna miss the plane!

I have two more!

Don't forget my bags.

You got room for this one? Sure.

Third, did you give snots his pill?

Yeah. He's getting tired already.

He's got a little bit of gas.

Yeah, vet gave him a little something to calm him down.

He's never flown before.

Then, again, neither have I!

Attention all passengers,

please watch your luggage, your children,

and all other valuables.

And...merry Christmas!

No! Look at the line.

We'll never make the plane.

Let's go.

Oh! Oh!

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Yeah! This is all right.

Oh, hi! Merry Christmas!

Anyone lose a bowling ball?

Anyone lose a bowling ball?

Come on!

I hear sometimes they run out of peanuts!

Aah!

Are you all right?

Oh -- oh, yeah.

Merry Christmas.

No, I'm -- I'm fine. No damage.

I've got all the usual number of arms and legs.

I'm sorry. I didn't even see you.

It's quite all right -- just a few superficial breaks.

Sort of thing happens to me all the time.

You're a foreigner, ain't you?

What are you?

I-I'm -- I'm English.

Oh! Well, you sure do talk pretty.

Well, we did sort of invent the language.

No hard feelings?

No feelings whatsoever.

He's all right! He's English!

I understood every word he said!

Aah!

Merry Christmas.

Raise your arms, please.

Attention! Attention, please!

Did anybody lose this?

Hey, look at all those people down there.

They look like ants.

Those are ants, dad.

The plane hasn't taken off yet.

Boy, that's a big ocean out there!

Lot of water!

Peanuts, gentlemen?

Lunch!

Thank you!

Don't cry, Audrey. It's only a book.

I'm not crying about the book.

I'm crying about Daniel.

Everything reminds me of him.

These peanuts --

he used to love peanuts.

He's the love of my life, Catherine.

I'll never love again -- never.

I'll never see Indianapolis again.

Isn't that what you said about dashiell?

That was just a passing thing.

I thought you went with him for a year.

It passed slowly.

Actually, dad,

the pacific ocean is 164,384,000 square miles in area --

18 times the size of the United States.

It was named by the explorer Magellan,

because when he first saw it, it was so tranquil,

he called it the pacific.

Oh!

Ah!

Ooh.

Oh.

Peanut?

Thank you.

Where's the bathroom?

Oh, wow!

Oh, thank you!

Oh, beautiful!

Well, look at that.

Oh!

Wow!

Well.

Here.

Here you go, uncle Nick.

This one here's a-willing.

Hey, third,

you see about getting snots out of baggage area?

They're bringing him out, dad. He's still asleep.

The local authorities insisted that they fumigate him first.

They didn't like the way he smelled.

That's funny. I never noticed he smelled bad.

Dad, small animals pass out when he walks by them.

Woman: Aloha!

Hi! Are you the Johnson family?

Yeah!

Merry Christmas.

Hello.

I'm muka laka miki, Mr. Johnson.

I work for the atomic testing agency here in maluka.

You're our guests.

Well, nice to meet you... Muka lika hicky.

Oh!

Catherine: Eddie!

Oh.

This is my wife, Catherine,

and cousin Audrey and our son, third the third.

Hey.

And this here is uncle Nick.

Hi, there!

Hi.

Nick --

Nick jugson... At your service.

Oh!

I'll -- I'll get you to your motel.

Then I thought you'd want the rest of the day

to get unpacked and stuff,

and then tomorrow I could show you the island.

The agency wants to give you special treatment.

They're really sorry about the monkey biting you.

Oh, well. I heal fast.

But if this is the way you folks show your apologies...

That monkey can bite my ass every day of the week

and twice on Sunday.

Whoo! Heh-heh!

You folks sure are treating us in style.

Well, I've planned a big day for us.

This morning, we're gonna walk around the town

and get to know it a little.

And visit the native shops, and I need a manicure.

And then we can change into beach clothes

and have a native Christmas cookout for lunch --

sort of a mini luau.

And this afternoon, I've chartered a small boat,

and I thought we'd tour some of the islands.

That sounds great!

Hear that, uncle Nick? We're going on a boat!

Just what an old sailor wants to hear!

Snots? Snots, here.

Hey, whose seaplane is that over there?

That's Jack maltby, Melbourne Jack.

He's an aussie.

He owns a hotel near here on his own private island.

He's a great guy.

There's more coming, honey.

These ribs are great, muka kookie.

Ribs and pineapple -- those are our big Christmas dishes --

and fried eel.

Fried eel? Fried?! Wow!

Am I invited for lunch?

Sure, Jack! Come on in!

Hi, muka laka miki. Thanks for the invite.

Hi, Jack. How are you?

Hi, i'm Audrey Griswold.

We just arrived.

Love the island -- fabulous place.

Are you married?

Hi, there. We're the Johnsons.

I'm Eddie.

This here is uncle Nick.

That's my boy.

And here's my wife, Catherine.

Eel?

Like I said, this is a beautiful place.

Would you like to take me...On a tour?

Sure.

What a charming man.

What's that smell?

Audrey: Oh! Oh, that was a good one.

It's time for the boat, you guys. Let's pack up.

Oh, okay. Third, grab your stuff.

And someone put out the fire.

I'm full.

You just sit and digest. I'll pack up.

Snots! Snots!

Eddie: I hope they got a pooper on this thing.

That fried eel's headed due south.

Captain lynch!

It's from captain lynch.

His wife is having a baby, and he has to deliver it.

He says we can take the boat out if we want to,

if we know how to run a boat.

Do you know how to run a boat?

No, I fish lots in a creek, but didn't have no boat.

I'm willing to try.

Forget it.

I've got more salt under my armpits than you ever sailed on.

Leave it to me. I was in the Navy.

Why should this be different from an aircraft carrier?

Aah! The key.

All right.

Yay! Whoo!

Sometimes you just don't think of the easy things.

Shouldn't we untie this first?

Eddie, get out and cast off.

Uncle Nick!

Okay, where is it?

What's wrong?

The compass -- I can't find a compass.

Every boat has a compass!

Maybe we should head back to shore.

I think that's a good idea.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa-oh-oh! Whoa!

Ah! I got a big fish!

Oh-oh-oh-whoa!

Hold on!

Whoa!

Aah!

Careful, honey! You're all tangled!

Get a knife! Get a knife!

I don't have a knife.

I have scissors in my purse, Eddie.

Get a knife!

Hold on.

Get a knife!

Aahhh!

Hold on!

Aah!

Aah!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

I have scissors, Eddie.

Aaahhhh!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Hold on, Mr. Johnson!

Call me Eddie!

Hold on, Eddie!

Oh!

Oh!

Aah!

Aah! Aaahhhh!

Aaaaah!

Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

Uncle Nick, uncle Nick! The boat's going backwards!

Make it go forwards!

Aaahhhh! Aaahhhh!

Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

Ohhhh!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Oh!

Oh, Eddie! You were wonderful!

I almost had it!

Did you see that, huh?

That fish was the biggest fish I ever saw!

That thing must have weighed 10,000 pounds.

How are my shoes?

Aah!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Aah!

Whoa!

Oh! Ooh!

Man the lifeboats!

There are no lifeboats.

Aahhh!

Eddie, where's the rest of you?!

Oh, Eddie, are you all right?

Hey, they got a ukulele in here!

Oh!

Oh, my head and shoulders.

I'm in pain.

My manicure is ruined!

Uncle Nick, will you please take your hand off my breast?

Is everybody okay?

I'm okay.

But there's just this horrible smell in here.

Oh, god!

Uncle Nick!

Are you all right?

I don't know. I cut my hand.

I don't know how.

I bit it.

Third? Third?!

We've run aground,

but there's an island right there.

You know where we are?

I'm from Milwaukee.

I don't know much about these islands.

The radio -- let's try the radio.

Milwaukee?

I thought your name was maluka malarka rikki.

Forget the radio. It doesn't work.

Well, that island looks nice -- not too far.

All right, I'm gonna try to swim to shore.

I bet there's nothing dangerous on these islands,

right, Milwaukee-liki?

I think it's safer than Milwaukee --

only snakes, wild dogs, wild boar.

Wild boar?

Well, they're like pigs.

Some of them can weigh up to 600 pounds.

They're very fast and real nasty.

I'll go, dad.

No, boy, your life's more precious than mine.

Why? I don't know.

Daddy's are just supposed to say things like that sometimes.

No! We all go.

We all go together.

Catherine, I'm not afraid of a little, old pig.

Eddie, you can't swim!

Let's walk.

Audrey, what are you doing with an electric cappuccino maker?

I bought it in town.

Somehow I doubt we'll be able to use that.

I don't think there are too many electrical outlets

on this island.

Maybe we'll find a motel

or something with an electrical outlet.

Look!

The boat's drifting away!

Did anyone anchor the boat?

Well, we got to do this right.

We need food.

Yeah, you're right, Eddie.

Okay, here is what we brought ashore.

We got a dozen tootsie rolls, we got some bridge mix,

two six-packs of beer, some hamburger helper,

and four bottles of bourbon.

That's my kind of captain.

Yeah, we also got a quarter-pound

of moldy American cheese, a pack of matches,

and a box of those little toothpicks

that you put into frankfurters.

Only we don't have any frankfurters.

We can use those to get the tootsie rolls out of our teeth.

Oh, and, dad, I found a knife on the boat.

It was in the galley.

Uncle Nick: I haven't had a tootsie roll in 35 years.

That's when I got my false teeth.

Well, we got beer,

got my favorite hunting dog.

I can hunt for food.

Oh, Eddie.

The only place you ever hunted for food was our refrigerator.

Hey, there's a freshwater stream back there in the forest

and plenty of bananas everywhere,

and we can make Spears and fishing rods to hunt and fish.

And I think I found a good place for a campsite.

Oh, wow!

Catherine: All right, let's pack up.

Snots! Snots!

This is the spot, everybody.

It's starting to get dark.

We better figure out where we're gonna sleep.

We'll team up,

and there are some towels from the hotel.

I'm all set.

Audrey and I will buddy up.

Well, we only have three towels, and they're all wet.

Well, if you get cold,

your buddy's body heat will help warm you up.

You want to rethink your assigned buddy?

No.

Ooh!

That felt good!

When you get to be my age,

a good dump is one of the great pleasures in life.

Well, she's all finished.

Now when I was walking up to the hill this morning,

I saw that there was nothing here but a lot of bananas.

So we're gonna have to hunt for some real food.

So let's go, third.

Yeah!

I'll go with you.

All right. Here's the game plan.

We're gonna have to split up so we can cover more ground.

We'll use that fire on top of the hill as a landmark.

Uncle Nick, you make a quick left and go up the left flank.

Third, you make a wide right.

Snots and I will go right up the middle,

and victory will be ours.

What am I supposed to do if I run into a wild animal?

Throw my banana at it?

Good thinking!

Yaaahhh!

Have you ever heard of barking or pointing?

How about a little warning here?

Give me a little heads up next time.

Well, are you coming?

Oh, my.

Oh, my!

Oh, my!

Oh, my!

Oh, my god!

Yes!

Any luck hunting, honey?

No. I almost got a bird.

But all I saw were 'nanners.

Did you guys have any luck?

No.

That's it.

I ain't walked this much since my last visit to Wal-Mart.

Hey, everybody.

You know, it'll be Christmas in three days.

It is?

Oh.

Do you know, with all the excitement

of the shipwreck and everything,

I guess I just forgot all about Christmas.

Well, I guess we will have to forget about it this year.

Yeah, it's my first Christmas without mom and dad.

Well, this is my first Christmas without gifts.

No tree, no Santa.

No real food.

No eggnog.

Hey! We can still have Christmas.

We can have an island Christmas.

Well, that's a real good idea, muka nuki.

An island Christmas -- why didn't I think of that?

What is an island Christmas?

Well, every year we celebrate the things

that we're most thankful for.

Well, we're all alive, and we're all together.

That's worth celebrating.

You're pretty damn easy to please.

What about the gifts?

We have the whole island!

Let's think of something we can all give to each other.

How about a full-body massage?

Uncle Nick!

The islands can be very magical, full of many gifts.

All you have to do is use your imagination.

Oh, dang it. I knew there was a catch.

What have you always wanted, Eddie?

I don't know.

I got pretty much everything I ever wanted --

a good dog, six kids.

Oh...doting wife who takes care of my every need,

if you know what I mean.

We could get a house, Eddie.

Where are we gonna get a house?

We could build it with our hands.

I thought this was supposed to be a vacation.

Catherine, no, it's a great idea.

It'll be fun.

If you build it, they will come.

Who?

Well, someone to rescue us.

Won't be much of a house.

But it'll be ours.

Remember, Jesus was born in a stable.

Yeah...

Yeah.

Yeah!

We'll build it...Here!

And you know what else we need?

A Christmas dinner -- a real Christmas dinner --

not these bananas or tootsie rolls

or none of that there banana helper, neither.

No, sir!

I'm going out again!

We're gonna have ourselves some meat!

Yaahhh!

Good luck!

Come here!

Yee-eee-eee-eee!

Come back here, you little bugger!

Snots...kill!

Kill! Kill!

Where you going, snots?! Come back here!

It is not a Christmas tree, but it'll do.

It'll have to.

Oh, you know, we used to have a big tree every Christmas

when I was a kid.

Oh, my father would take hours to pick it out.

He sometimes would do everything but X-ray it.

Then he'd turn to us and say,

"you are looking at the best Christmas tree in Kansas City.

No, in the world."

Oh, gosh.

Christmas with daddy.

I guess dads are all like that at Christmas.

Even Eddie.

That's a good piggy.

That's a good piggy.

Aaahhhh!

Oh, it's so beautiful here.

Yeah, if only it had a shopping mall.

The house is coming along great, huh?

Yeah. It's a great Christmas gift.

Look at him.

It's a funny thing, you know?

Here we are in serious trouble,

and I don't think I've ever seen Eddie so happy.

Sometimes a crisis brings out the best in a person.

I mean, he's even working.

Hey, dad?

Dad? Dad?!

There's something I've got to tell you.

It's your girlfriend.

Is she pregnant?

No!

Oh.

It's just that...

I always thought that...

You were kind of, sort of...

Gay?

No!

Just the bottom of the food chain.

Well, I was wrong.

I mean, you know, like you never worked much, and...

Mom took care of the kids and cooked and cleaned

and worked three jobs.

And then, you know, the bank foreclosed on the house,

and the repo people took the r.V.

Oh, yeah.

I loved that r.V.

That r.V.

And here we are on a desert island, who knows where?

And he goes out and kills with his bare hands

to feed his family.

I mean, can you imagine him taking on that huge animal

and beating him in a fair fight?

I know!

God, he was like a caveman

or a gladiator or something.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, I was wrong.

No, you were right.

I'm just no good.

Right, you know, normally.

But here, on this island...

You've been great.

Do you mean that?

Yeah.

Oh, boy, you don't know how good that makes me feel.

From now on...

I've got no place to go but up!

Hi, it's Audrey Griswold.

Leave a message and merry Christmas.

Man: Ever-ready plumbing here.

We got your message,

and we'll have a man out to your house within 30 days.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas morning, everybody!

Merry Christmas morning!

Yeah.

Come here, you! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Oh!

Merry Christmas, Milwaukee.

And here's... Mr. Christmas himself.

It's St. Nick.

Ho, ho, ho!

Whoo!

Merry Christmas, Audrey. This is from Eddie.

Wow, Eddie. This is great!

Lipstick -- it's my favorite color.

Where did you get it?

Found it in your purse.

This is from third.

Oh, third!

My gosh, look at that.

That's a -- that's a deluxe spear.

It's an aerodynamically correct spear, dad.

See those fins?

Those are for throwing accurately.

Looks like a one-way street sign.

Well, let's take it for a little test drive, shall we?

Stay clear!

Okay, now let's sing a few Christmas songs, huh?

Oh, let's see.

Hey, I got another surprise for us here.

A little homemade home concoction

that my daddy used to make,

only he had a still and sold it to the neighbors,

but it kept us going through the lean times

until he got caught and wound up doing three to five.

But here's a little taste for everybody.

Okay, all right! Here goes.

Whoo!

Wow, that's got a kick. What is in that?

Well, it's got three parts coconut milk,

two parts bug juice,

six parts bourbon and a little banana peel for texture

and a tootsie roll.

Oh, and some sunscreen.

Lord, I want to thank you for keeping us healthy and,

particularly, alive during this whole shipwreck deal.

But most of all, lord, I want to thank you for this house.

Oh, it's a good house, lord.

It's probably the first house we ever had

where we didn't owe a mortgage or taxes.

And maybe the only house we'll ever have

where the bank won't foreclose on it.

Oh, it's not as nice as Audrey's house,

but it's a fine house, lord.

And I want you to please just find it to forgive me, lord,

for losing the r.V. And the dirt farm, lord,

and the way I see it, lord --

can I say something?

Excuse me, lord.

Yeah?

What's in the coconut?

Another tropical surprise.

Can we drink the surprise first and then bust the coconut?

No.

Well, there you have it.

Anyway, lord, be it ever so humble,

there's no place like this here house.

Oh! Amen.

Whoo! Whoo!

Merry Christmas!

Oh, merry Christmas to you!

Ah-ah-ah!

Oh, Eddie!

Put me down! Put me down!

You did it, dad.

You killed a boar and built our own damn house.

Watch your mouth, third.

Well...we've learned something here today.

We definitely have to make it more secure.

Let's eat.

Catherine: Eddie?

Eddie, you're so brave,

and you have a good sense of humor.

You're my hero...Hero...Hero...Hero.

Aha! Whoo!

Hey, everybody! I saw an airplane!

Hey!

It's a plane -- a plane!

And he sees us.

It's Jack.

It's Melbourne Jack maltby.

We're saved...We're saved... We're saved! Over here!

Uncle Nick, wake up.

We're rescued! We're saved!

Saved? From what?

Down here!

Jack! It's me...Audrey!

They've had search parties all over the south pacific

looking for you and that boat.

They found the boat 300 miles from here.

Oh, you've been searching for me this whole time?

You're a hero! Well, you found me.

You did say you weren't married.

Actually, I was just flying over to check out a hotel I own

on the other side of the island,

when I saw Eddie out there on the cliff.

Probably nobody thought of looking for you here.

Well, it's only 10 miles.

You could have walked to my hotel.

Well, I...Guess we better pack up and get out of here then.

Man, I got all excited when I first saw the plane, but...

I'm really gonna miss this place.

This was the best vacation this family has ever had.

Oh, well.

It was great, but it will be good

to get back to civilization.

Nah, civilization.

People like to live in crowds

'cause they don't trust each other.

Oh, I don't know.

There's some good things to say about civilization.

Name one.

Massages, manicures, frozen artichokes,

hot tubs, champagne.

I want to say something.

I'm gonna miss not having a lot of things.

It's been great without telephones

and people you never even met calling,

trying to sell you things you don't even need.

And rap music on beer commercials, and junk mail?

Nyah!

I'm gonna miss us all being so together,

the way everybody chipped in and worked.

It was a Christmas thing.

I saw an airplane!

I saw an airplane!

We're saved! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

We're saved! Ah-ha-ha!

I saw a plane! Ah-ha! Ah--

Jack!

What are you doing here?

Aha-ha!

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Ah-ha-ha!

This was the best Christmas I've ever had.

It was fun being a part of your family here on...

What is the name of this island?

Well, it was named after king haleehowkee,

but you can change it.

He was a headhunter.

Ooh.

I say we rename it Eddie island,

in honor of the man who killed the boar.

Oh!

What business did you say you were in?

I was in nuclear research.

You're kidding.

No, no. Nuclear research.

But then I got laid off,

but then 'cause I got bit on the ass,

they give me this here Christmas vacation.

You got laid off. Did the company downsize?

Yeah, well, the other guy -- he was a lot smaller than I was.

I was better at the job.

Jack's incredible, isn't he?

Yeah, he's a really great guy.

He's so...Mature.

Big deal! Uncle Nick's mature.

Oh, this is liable to roll down the hill

and kill a little pig or something.

I better move this.

Hold it. You're gonna bust your rollers trying to move that.

Let me help you.

All right. Put it over there.

Where?

Over there.

Oh! Oh-oh! Oh!

Let go! You're choking me!

What? Let go!

All right.

Aah! Aaahh-aahhh-aahhh!

Aah-aahhh!

Jack?

I'm all right.

No, no, no, Jack. You took a terrible fall.

You need rest and care.

I'm fine.

Oh!

I wouldn't be going into a career in the moving business

any time too soon if I were you, mate.

You all ready to fly?

Oh, I'm gonna really miss the old homestead.

Jack, you okay?

I'm okay. It's just a headache.

There are some aspirin in the cabin.

Yeah?

Oh!

His head hurts.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, he needs me! He needs me!

Now, now, he'll be all right.

Just a headache.

He'll be all right.

Maluka tower, maluka tower, this is Mike-808-Mike.

Melbourne Jack here.

I've just picked up some lost souls

on the rear end of king haleehowkee island.

Eddie island!

Our position is...

Hell, I don't know where we are.

I'm not too well, my friend.

I like you, ed.

You're a good man.

You're not the brightest bulb in the chandelier,

but you're a good man.

Aah! Jack!

Man: Mike-808-Mike.

Say again your position. Over.

Help!

This is maluka tower. Merry Christmas.

Is that you, Jack?

No, it's Eddie.

Jack -- Jack, he -- he fainted, or he's dead!

Jack, snap out of it! Snap out of it!

Oh, he's not dead. He moved.

Well, okay, Eddie. Merry Christmas!

Can you fly a plane?

I'll take that as a no.

We got you on radar now.

You're heading right for maluka airport.

All you're gonna have to do is, well, land.

Nick: We're gonna die.

Now relax.

When we get you over the airport,

we're gonna talk you in.

And, Eddie?

Yeah?

We're gonna clear the area

of all incoming and outgoing flights.

Hell, all you're gonna have to worry about is to make

a nice, simple landing right there on the tarmac.

You'll go down gradually and just coast on in.

Okay, okay.

Dad!

Dad, you can't land on the tarmac!

Probably not, but I got to try.

This is a seaplane, dad! A seaplane!

Tower, tower!

Mr. Tower, this -- this is a seaplane!

Damn, forgot. Right. Shoot.

I'm getting so absentminded!

Good, good -- that's even easier.

You'll just land right there in the bay in front of the airport,

and we'll come on out and get you.

Now just sit back, stay on course, and relax.

No sweat.

How's Jack?

Audrey's breathing into his mouth.

Okay, easy does it.

Loosen your clothing.

Good!

Planes will never replace boats

as a means of transportation.

People like to stay close to terra firma.

Uncle Nick?

Boats still sail on water, not earth.

Okay, Eddie, we got you inside now.

There's the airport!

Now, here's what we want you to do.

We want you to look at the altimeter.

Where?! Where is it?!

All right, calm down now.

It's the gauge on the right side of the panel.

You're now at 2,000 feet.

I want you to turn the wheel very slowly to your left,

press it down gradually, very slowly.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Eddie?

Aahhh!

Merry Christmas.

Up...up...up...pull it up!

Eddie, come on!

Oh, no! No! No, Eddie!

Okay, Eddie, we're gonna try it again.

Now slowly.

Slow down, Eddie!

Don't you know what "slow" means?!

Eddie, you damn idiot!

Don't you know what "slow" means?!

Muka...

If we don't die, will you be my girlfriend?

Well, thank you, third.

I think you're terrific...

But I don't think you're quite grown-up enough for me.

I am grown-up!

I've even seen a naked woman.

Anyway, if we don't die, I'm going back to my husband.

Your husband?

Yes, Daniel.

He lives in Indianapolis.

Now let's...Let's try again there, Eddie baby.

And, Eddie, you see that tall building

with the glass all around it?

Good.

Whatever you do, don't hit that building.

You see, that's the tower, Eddie, and that's --

well, that's where I am.

Now what we're gonna do,

you're gonna turn the wheel slowly to the left again

and then press down.

No...no...no.

Oh, no!

No! No, Eddie!

Dad, it's just like the time

you drove the r.V. Off the side of the mountain

and broke your leg... Only more dangerous.

It's more like the time that you were fishing off that bridge

and reached down to tie your shoelaces

and fell 50 feet into the water.

Only this time, we could all die.

Third: You can do it, dad. I know you can.

Bingo.

Anchor: And merry Christmas, maluka.

Now we've all heard about the shipwrecked Johnsons.

And here's a holiday video from their daughter,

who's currently appearing

at the bare-bottom club in Las Vegas.

Oh, ho, ho!

Oh, merry Christmas, third.

How's my boy?

Aunt Jessica, you wouldn't believe what we've been through.

You're not gonna show me your travel movies, are you, third?

Later.

Okay, so, where's that old man of mine?

And where are your folks?

Oh, well, my mom and dad and cousin Audrey

are visiting a friend in the hospital.

Dad dropped a rock on him and gave him a brain concussion.

Oh. Oh, and uncle Nick's resting.

You go up and tell him I'm here.

If I walk in on him, he's liable to have a heart attack.

Sure.

Aunt Jessica, you didn't, did you?

Don't ask.

Okay.

Boy, that Jack -- he is okay, isn't he?

What a great guy.

And he didn't even mention that I almost killed him.

Can't believe it.

He's married, five kids.

I mean, my god -- can't any man be trusted?

He was the great love of my life.

I'll never love again.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

Is he all right?

It's my husband -- nervous breakdown.

Oh. Merry Christmas!

I'm so sorry.

How long has he been like this?

Since this morning.

He's an air-traffic controller.

Hey, buddy. Merry Christmas!

Hey, come on, buddy. Snap out of it.

Snap out of it!

Aah-aah-aaahhhh!

No, Eddie! Aah-aah!

Bless you! Oh, thank you!

You are a miracle worker.

Well...

Come on, let's get back to the motel.

I may become a nun.

Aunt Jessica...

So you finally got tired of that young fellow,

and you decided to come crawling back to uncle Nick.

And you're gonna take her back, I suppose.

Well, I have seen it all now.

Anybody wants me, I'll be in the can.

I'm sorry for that little unpleasantness, darling.

That pig snout never did have no manners.

When you're finished massaging me,

get your butt into the kitchen and fix me a decent dinner.

I've been eating nothing but burnt pig and bananas.

They're waiting for you inside, Eddie.

Oh, well, thank you, Milwaukee.

Hi, muka.

There's something I've got to tell you.

You know, I'm sorry about asking you to be my girl.

But...I'm engaged.

Oh.

She's, uh, beautiful.

Well, it'll take a while to get over it.

Yeah.

Eddie!

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, professor doornitz!

We are so proud of you.

All the newspapers carried your story.

Oh.

Shipwrecked... Swam 30 miles to rescue your family.

Built a 2-story house with your own hands.

Killed a wild boar with manicure scissors!

Well...

What's he doing here?

You're replacing him.

He's here on vacation.

Oh, no!

Unh-unh.

I'm staying right here.

I got myself a new job.

Well, Roy, looks like this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

Yeeeee-haaaa!

Captioning made possible by Warner Bros.

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--