All language subtitles for Osgood Perkins Perkins - The Monkey - English with German Subs

and then cleanly cut it off.

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Amore ♪

Hi there.

Hey.

You know, you got a fair
amount of blood on you there, sir.

Oh.

Yeah, it's not even
mine, it was just this...

Never mind.

Hey, listen, I need you
to take this thing off my hands.

It's making someone else's problem.

I mean, I thought my boys
were going to love it, but, uh...

Let me tell you, man, they will not.

No, it's not a toy.

So just don't ever call it that.

It's a, uh...

It's...

Actually, I don't
know exactly what it is.

Besides, it appears to be broken.

See, the drumstick seems
to be stuck in the up position.

You do not want the
goddamn drumstick to come down.

Okay?

Because when it does,

I promise you, we
are all fucked to hell.

Okay?

Oh.

Well, sir, can't speak for you, but...

I don't feel especially
fucked to have...

A dog.

Who's smiling now,
you infernal son of a whore?

Ah!

Ah!

Yeah!

Ah!

Ah!

I don't know if every father
passes some secret horror onto his kids,

but mine sure did.

♪ Come on baby,
let's have some fun ♪

♪ Come on baby,
let the good time roll ♪

♪ Roll all night long ♪

My name is Hal Shelburn.

This is me and my twin brother Bill.

Well, this is us before everything.

Bill was the kind of
kid that would say shake on it

But then pull his hand
back and pretend to slick his hair.

He was older than me by three
minutes and ate most of my mom's placenta.

So that made him my big brother.

A role he took seriously and treated
me like shit whenever he got the chance.

I didn't mean to tell you.

Mom says he hates you because you made
dad leave him and now she has to go on dates.

But I managed to love him anyway.

Even if I did sometimes
fantasize about being an only child.

I hate you Bill Shelburn.

My mom raised us on her own,
for as long as she could at least.

And my mom,

Well, I can remember her
perfectly like it was yesterday.

Your father.

Well, your father went out for a
pack of cigarettes and never came back.

Just made like an egg and scrambled.

And sure, sure, I could have
been one of his stewardesses,

but of course the deadbeat
never took me anywhere.

We just brought back Swiss
cuckoo clocks and bonsai trees.

Knickknacks and souvenirs
to stuff our closets full.

And one day, my darling boys,

all that horse shit will be yours.

We know my mom thought
it was a bunch of junk,

but for Bill and me, Dad's
closet was full of clues to who he was.

There she is.

Well, Dad beats the skies.

How's that thing from?

Paris, France or something?

It says organ grinder monkey.

Like life.

I mean life like dumb shit.

Oh.

What?

Hey, give me that thing.

Here.

You think this does junk if I turn this?

Don't Bill, it's Dad's.

Dad's gone, fuckface.

And I'm his next of skin, so legally...

everything in here's mine.

Stupid things broken anyway.

Don't come in our room dumb shit.

Shotgun obviously.

Christ, what's worse than a blind date?

I'd rather take my chances and kiss
a goddamn frog and see what happens.

Okay, boys! Uh, no soda
after you brush your teeth,

and no fires, and no video
games because of the last fire.

I tried to tell him no fires, but
these boys are nothing but willish.

Thank you, babysitter Annie.

I'll be home by midnight.

Okay, boys, got
only one roll for tonight.

Keep your hands off
the hot parts of the table.

Okay?

I'll try, but...

Just a man.

Bill, knock it off.

Holy shi--

Maybe an experience like that
could have brought me and Bill closer,

But it turned out one freak tragedy
wasn't gonna be nearly enough.

How is her head still together?

Shh, shh, shh.

Don't think about it too much.

Hoho, fuck.

Oh yeah, today we're
here with Annie Wilkes

Oh gone...

by accident,

or rather in an accident,

because you know there's no accidents.

Is there a divine plan?

Sure, you know, ah maybe.

Call it a coin toss, heads or tails.

But not Annie's head, because...

that is...

uh, separate.

That's a separate issue.

Uh...

You know, why her?

Though.

Right?

Why Annie?

Why not you?

Or you?

Everything for a reason, yeah.

Totally.

And uh...

It is what it is.

Uh...

It is what it is.

The word of the Lord.

Everything is an accident.

Or nothing is an accident.

Either way. Same thing.

It's not if...

or even how.

It's only when.

Everybody dies.

And that's life.

I'll die.

And you...

will both die.

And all of your friends and their
parents and all of their pets and everybody.

Some of us peacefully in our sleep.

And some of us...

horribly, violently.

tied up with clothesline

and screaming through duct
tape over our mouths and all that jazz.

And hell with it.

Come on, let's go dancing.

♪ Well, it's Saturday
night and I just got paid ♪

♪ Fool about my
money, don't try to save ♪

♪ My heart say
"Go go, have a time" ♪

♪ 'Cause Saturday
night and I'm feel fine ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock it up ♪

♪ I'm gonna rip it up ♪

♪ I'm gonna shake it up ♪

♪ Gonna ball it up ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock it up ♪

♪ And ball tonight ♪

♪ Got me a date
and I won't be late ♪

It might have been
on the day of the funeral,

but that probably was
the happiest day of my life.

It's funny how quickly that can change.

Hey, kid.

Your brother says
your dad left your mom.

Lit out to Paris,
France, to buy cigarettes

because you were a big,
fat baby who cried all the time.

And, man, don't you moms deserve better?

I mean, don't she?

Oh, so I guess that means your mom

will be wearing the
pants in the house now, huh?

I think that's how it works, yeah?

Aw, but.

See, you're wearing pants.

And two people can't be
wearing the pants in the house

at the same time.

So, looks like you got yourself

a bit of a pants problem, kid.

Honey, I'm making PB and J.

Oh, oh, what?

How am I?

Oh, I'm great.

I love slaving over
my two sons all day long.

Mom!

Yeah?

Why'd you put Dad's
weird monkey in our room?

You know I don't go in there
anymore since I found that stiff sock.

Oh yeah.

You didn't have anything to
do with my babysitter's head, right?

- I'd be like...
- Yo!

You really got the
hots for that thing, huh?

- I-I don't.

It's all good.

You can have it but

all you gotta do is
say you wanna marry it.

I don't wanna marry it.

Say, I wanna be Mrs. Stupid Monkey.

I wanna be Mrs. Stupid Monkey.

Now say...

I wanna suck its banana.

No, Bill. No.

Say it, or I'll eat the
rest of your placenta, bitch!

I wanna suck its banana.

Alright.

We have a deal.

You have the monkey.

This twelve and fifteen, the
penis takes on a life of its own

and becomes sensitive to
physical and emotional respite.

Around this time, the opposite sex
becomes both appealing and horrifying,

representing both the comfort of the mother
archetype and the devouring mouth of the impotent.

Yo, Mrs. Torrance!

How's Shelburn's jerking
his monkey under his desk?

Honey, I'm making devil's food.

I don't fucking want any!

Language!

Who talks to their mother like that?

What are you, a sailor in a shipyard?

You.

It's because of you that
deadbeat Bill did this to me.

You know who I'm
talking about, don't you?

That asshole kid
who lives in here with me.

That's Bill.

You want to know something else?

I wish Bill was dead.

Hey mom, you home?

Is dinner ready?

Mom?

Mom!

Not even making it yet?

What the fuck?!

Mommy!

The doctors called what happened
to my mom a boomerang aneurysm.

But I was the only one
who knew what it really was.

They said chances of it
happening were 1 in 44 million.

And that's just another way to say...

It has to happen to somebody.

And that's how it works.

You turn the key
and the drumsticks go up.

They come down again when
it chooses who it wants to kill next.

It doesn't take requests.

It kills who it wants
when it feels like it.

And it doesn't owe you an explanation.

It's true what it says on the box.

It's just like life.

Son, perhaps it's best--

Shut up!

Hey, Mom.

Mom, wake up.

Mom?

Ha ha ha!

Mom, that's a funny joke.

Mom!

Okay, you can keep talking.

Oh, you're a brother.

You know, your Aunt
Ida and your Uncle Chip...

never wanted kids.

No.

always just kind of prefer
to life where you sit down

and you don't stand
up again until you want to.

Also, we're swingers, but...

Oh well.

I want you to know...

We're going to do
our very best with you boys.

It's just that our very
best might be pretty bad.

The fuck?

I put the pieces in a garbage bag
and made sure it got on the garbage truck,

and I assumed that
would be the end of it.

But after that, Bill
and I were never the same.

I mean, we looked the same because we
were twins, and, well, you know what I mean.

Aunt Ida and Uncle Chip picked
up Bill and me and moved us to Maine,

and I guess I hoped we'd
left the worst of it behind us.

♪ They say everything
can be replaced ♪

♪ They say every
distance is not near ♪

♪ So I remember every face ♪

♪ Of every man who put me here ♪

You gonna take off your suit, Bill?

If I take it off, then I'll have to put it
back on as soon as there's another funeral.

But if I don't take it off,
then I won't have to put it back on.

So there won't be any more funerals.

Sleeve tight, you two!

Why the hell did you bring it?

I didn't. I chopped it up.

Not chopped up to me.

I'm telling you, Bill.

It's a bad monkey.

It's a bad magic killer monkey.

You think it killed babysitter Annie?

Maybe.

Probably. I don't know.

I was going to marry that girl.

I knew you would, Bill.

We should try it on purpose
to see if anyone else we know dies.

No, no, we shouldn't.
I mean, what if he gets one of us?

Then I promise to pretend
to be sad when you're dead.

Yeah, me too.

You think it could kill the
person who turns the key or not?

How the hell should I know?

You think Mom turned it?

I'm gonna try it.

Don't, Bill.

It was a hunting accident.

But not the usual kind.

Uncle Chip was trampled by a stampede of
sixty-seven wild horses in his sleeping bag on a camping trip.

I overheard the undertaker say
that when they dumped the body out,

it looked like someone
had drop-kicked a cherry pie.

I don't mind much
that Uncle Chip's gone.

He was kind of an asshole.

I just mind more that
I feel pretty good it wasn't me.

But it's gotta be done, you know?

To keep it away from the people
who might feel really good about using it.

The Nazis, and Russians,
and Iran-keys and whatnot.

We knew that it couldn't be destroyed,
so we hoped that we could maybe contain it.

Just get rid of it.

Make it go the fuck away.

And for a long time, anyway,
it really seemed like it had.

I haven't seen the monkey
since we threw it down the well.

But it feels like only a
matter of time before it comes back.

This is me today.

I pretty much lost all contact
with Bill, and I'm good with that.

He was kind of an asshole anyways.

I don't have any friends, and I
do my best to stay away from family

for fear that if the monkey
returns, it'll kill someone close to me.

But staying away from family?

That's easier said than done.

Go fuck your mother!

Hey, Dwayne.

Oh, man. Come in, come in.

Oh, no, it's cool.
I gotta run early today.

I gotta pick up my kid.

Wait, you got a kid?

Shit, man, that sucks.

Does he live with you?

Uh, no. No, he doesn't.

But I get to see him once a year,

so I'm taking him to horror heaven.

Yeah.

Roller coasters, I guess.

Once a year?

Shit, man, that sucks.

I bet your ex-wife some
type of mega bitch, huh?

Huh?

Oh, no, the once-a-year
thing, that was my idea.

It turns out I'm kind of
a bad influence, you know.

Here comes trouble.

Who, you?

It's not like you know,

I beheld a pale horse and on it was
a pale rider and the rider's name was..

You know, Death.

But, uh...

Yeah, there has been some death.

Shit, man, that sucks.

Come on.

Too sprung.

Love.

Hal.

Fuck.

Feel that parental energy
transferred from you to me.

Petey's been asking
about you more and more, Hal.

And it's breaking our hearts.

About me?

What about me? Why?

Because you're his father.

And he's doing a
family tree school project.

And like it or not,
you're one of the branches.

Look, I...

I care about Petey. I do.

Like, I...

I care about him a lot. Like, a lot.

A lot.

Just now, when we
were on the couch together,

I took your power.

Whoa, whoa. I never
said you could take my power.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Ted has decided to legally adopt Petey.

What?

And once the adoption's finalized,

it won't be necessary
for you to see Petey at all.

But you can't just do that.

You can't just do that.

As the leading expert in my field...

Can't I?

Listen,

you and Petey have this time.

So just take the week.

Lock in some nice memories,

and then cleanly cut it off.

Like a vestigial tale.

That's what you want,

- isn't it?
- No.

It's not what I want.

I want to spend time with Petey.

It's just, you know...

vestigial.

It means something
that has become functionless

and as a result is no longer necessary.

- I know what it means, Ted.
- I'm sure you do.

I do.

Well, I have your power, so...

Well, I peed in one of
your bushes on the way in, so...

No, this is the part where
I suggest that we un-wrestle.

What?

Un-wrestle for what?

For all the marbles.

And by marbles, I am, of
course, referring to your little balls.

Hey.

Honey.

Oh, Petey.

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

What are you guys talking about?

♪ On the rooftop, calm on time ♪

♪ Cold, medical,
warm, soft, and pale ♪

♪ These dreams, secret and bold ♪

♪ And it's all right ♪

♪ As safe as my bed, safe and well ♪

♪ Can I still see the moon ♪

You mean it reminds you of your dad?

You talking about the shit-eating grin

or the hairy back and arms?

Did you ever wonder where he is?

Dad, I mean.

Baby, that ain't worth it.

But if you're really
looking for an answer,

I'd have to go with either

at a card table or under a hooker.

Ah, Sigma, come on, gross.

Hey, Bosaps, honey.

You want a drag?

But are you still thinking
of selling that monkey thing

to the nut who never leaves his house?

I mean, have you ever
even met this guy face to face?

Sounds like a real
fucking pervert to me.

So, do you have any brothers or sisters?

Is that your family tree thing?

Gave it away.

Okay.

So, um...

brothers, sisters, yes, no?

Uh, no.

No to both?

Yeah, no neither.

Only child, just like me.

And, uh, what's your mom's name?

Um...

Lois.

My mom's name is...

Lois.

Hey, uh,

I'm getting kind of late, darling.

I should get you some dinner, huh?

Only if you want me to, like, survive.

Cool.

And that's what happened.

Your brother says
your dad left your mom.

He went out to pay his friends.

To buy cigarettes
and make that baby a world.

But what does that
have to do with anything?

- Your dad says your mom is a bitch.
- Your mother says your dad is a snake.

Say you can hardly do anything.

And then your mom
starts to tell you to shut up.

What? Why?

Christ.

What the fuck?

Well, hello, dumb shit.

Bill.

I can't be the only
person who calls you dumb shit.

How did you know how to reach me, Bill?

Haven't heard from
you in, what, five years?

Haven't seen you in something like ten?

Nine and eleven,
and those are just numbers.

Now, please, give me yours.

What do you mean the police?

I have news.

Aunt Ida is no more.

Oh, shit.

Well, I guess she was kind of old.

Was she sick or something?

Well, actually, it seems the old girl
was having somewhat of a renaissance.

Putting her house on the
market, cleaning out her closet.

The nice young policewoman I
spoke to used the phrase, freak accident.

Okay, and what?

Someone has to go through her
belongings, and you're the next of kin.

Technically, you're the next of kin, Bill.

This is my week with Petey, so no.

You're weak. That's
all you get with your son.

Also, you're weak.

What do you want, Bill?

Go to Aunt Ida's house
and make sure it isn't there.

It is at the bottom of a well.

It can teleport and you know it.

Why don't you bring Petey along?

Let him see you
being brave for a change.

Jesus.

What do fathers and their
estranged sons say to each other?

Road trip.

Why would it be at Aunt Ida's anyway?

Because it attached itself
to our family and likes to kill us.

and I don't want to die, and presumably
you don't want Petey to die either.

What if I find it, huh?

What am I supposed to do,
drop it from a fucking plane?

It'll probably bounce.

No, you never let it out of your
sight again, so no one turns the key.

Presumably you don't want Petey to...

Stop talking about Petey.

The monkey must be vanquished.

Why don't you vanquish it, huh, Bill?

You're smaller. You go.

Bill, Bill.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Fuck!

Is that a leg? Fuck!

Okay, okay.

Petey, wake up, come on, we gotta go.

- Let's go. Let's go!
- What time is it?

What the fuck?

Hey, language.

And we gotta go.

All right? There was a thing outside.

It wasn't a thing.

It was a woman, and either
way, we gotta split, all right?

So come on, let's go.

It's the middle of
the night, are you high?

No, I wish, Jesus Christ.

No, don't do drugs, I mean it.

But come on, let's go.

- Hurry up.
- I'm going to bed.

We gotta make like eggs and scramble!

Hey, Petey, uh, sorry about that.

It's just that my aunt Ida died,

and I gotta deal
with a lot of her stuff.

Can I ask you a question?

I'd really rather you didn't.

How'd your mom die?

Is this for your family tree thing?

'Cause usually family trees
are about the whos and the whens,

not the whys and the, you know, hows.

Was your aunt the one that
raised you after your mom died?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, she did.

Maybe you could, uh, take
me to your aunt's house with you.

I could help you
with your stuff and you--

You're not coming with me, Petey.

Why not?

Because it's depressing, all right?

We were supposed to go to a theme park,

not into, you know...

darkness and death.

I know about the adoption, huh?

Oh.

And so you can either just...

cut me off, and cut this off,

or...

you can spend the rest of the
very little time that we have left together...

together.

I wonder which one
Lois would be chosen.

What are you doing
in here all alone now?

Or do I not want to know?

Just thinking, I guess.

Oh, yeah?

About what?

I don't know.

The future?

You got any advice?

Um...

Well...

Take care of your teeth.

And take care of your gut.

Take life as it comes.

You know, the worst thing
you can do is try to force it.

But really, I think that the most
important thing for you to remember is...

Try not to kill everybody around you.

Petey?

Petey.

Petey?

Hey, Petey buddy?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Check it out, there's a place in town.

They do skydiving lessons.

I feel like it's one of those things where
you're either really good at it or you aren't.

I'm gonna take one lesson to find out.

Hey, funny.

That's, uh... that's funny.

Yeah?

Well, you're kind of funny, too, huh?

Oh, and they do weddings.

Hey, uh, do me a favor, all right?

Wait in the car while I deal with this.

What?

No way. I want to see your
old room like they do in the movies.

No, Petey.

Why not?

Just because... because I said so.

All right. Fine.

Then I have to go number two.

What?

Why don't you go to the motel?

There's a lot you
don't know about me, Hal.

For instance, I'm one of those
kids that can only go poo in a house.

Are you being serious?

It's a tough bet to lose, Hal.

Jesus Christ.

Hey. Hey there. Sorry.

Oh. Oh.

Window won't go down.

Yeah. Okay.

Hey there. How are you?

Hi. I'm Barbara.

You must be Hal Shelburn.

Your brother Bill Shelburn
said you'd be coming.

Oh, yeah. Right, right.

Uh, hi, Barbara. Yeah.

That brother Bill of yours
is quite the character, isn't he?

Yeah.

- Your brother Bill, I mean.
- Yes,

Yes. He's quite the character.

Yeah. Wow, who's this little slugger?

Oh, this is my son Petey.

Oh! Hello there.

Oh, no thanks, Barbara. I'm just
a kid who doesn't buy many houses.

But I also didn't
know that I have an uncle.

So, yeah, thanks for that.

It's funny, because I actually asked
Hal here if he had any siblings yesterday.

But he flat out lied to my face.

But it's cool.

He's only going to be my dad
for like a few more days anyway.

Because he's being swapped
out for a leading expert.

Yeah.

Okay.

- Well...
- So no card, okay.

- No card, yeah.
- See the house.

Were you and your aunt very close?

Uh, sure, very.

Uh, is this all her stuff?

I felt like she had more stuff.

Oh, well, we did have that estate sale

the day after she died.

We had a great turnout, too.

Must have made over $100.

Right.

Now, let's see.

That would have been on Sunday,

because ever since Monday,

things have been
a bit messy around here.

Yeah, your aunt, of course, was Monday.

And then, oh, Lord,
first thing Tuesday, it was

Mitch McDonald.

And then Wednesday was Burt Burgerson.

And then Nancy Rizzoli.

But there aren't any cobras
in Maine, I mean, are there?

Well, there was the one.

No, every day since Monday
at least one Casco local has just poof.

Sometimes two, or three, or four, or
even five Casco locals have just poof and poof and poof.

Great, yeah, yeah, no, I get it.

Can we look at the other closet?

It's this way, I think.

Absolutely, follow me.

Poof.

You're fucking twins?

You know, my mother used to always say

whenever there was a plane crash
or a school bus going off into the river

and mass fatalities or what have you.

She used to always say,

Looks like God's
bowling strikes tonight.

Oh, that's odd. I don't
remember locking this.

Hey, you wouldn't have to remember if my
aunt had a wind-up toy monkey at the yard sale.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, not a cherished
childhood memory now, was it?

Oh, a first little furry friend
filled with whimsy and wonder.

No, it's no big deal.

Okay.

Nope, not that one.

How are we doing with that key?

Oh, don't you worry,
you're pretty little head.

Oh, mercy, did I say that out loud?

Watch out!

You are pretty though.

You know what, I actually
think we should go down and...

Looks like I did my own
little process of elimination.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Are you okay Dad?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Oh, fuck.

And you were just standing
there, hands to yourself.

Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

And you knew there was a
gun in the house or not so much?

Uh, no.

Okay.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave town

- until we can figure a few things out.
- What?

No, no, no, no.

Officer, I promised my son

that I was gonna
take him to Horror Heaven.

Actually, officer, we
moved off going to Horror Heaven.

This is obviously far more important.

Smart kid.

Find a motel.

I'd say stay here, but
it's a goddamn mess in there.

I mean, have you actually been up there?

It's like that restaurant.

Spaghetti City.

Hey, bud, you wanna go wait in the car?

Yeah. That's your,

favorite thing for
me to do anyway, isn't it?

Just stay away.

They're bringing the party out!

Whoo!

Hello?

Hello, Shelburn, please is he available?

Bill?

Thank goodness, and
petey is he available too?

Yeah, look, we're fine, but, um...

The monkey's not here,

and Ida had a goddamn yard sale,

so it could have been, but now
it could be anywhere with anyone.

Well, that's not good.

Looks bad.

Yeah, there's all kind
of shit happening in town,

people dying in not normal ways.

Police told me I can't leave.

Go to the motel.

Await my signal.

Await your fucking signal?

Wait, Bill, where are you?

Bill, are you living in town?

Stupid.

Shelburn, shelburn.

Nope.

Mrs. Monkey?

Hello, if this is in regards to my ad,

I'm happy to report that my quest
for finding my beloved toy monkey is over.

Thank you for calling,
and be safe out there.

At the very moment
you slipped from my fingers,

I suddenly knew the terrible
truths about everything.

That my dumb shit brother had
turned your key and killed my mom.

So I went back to get
you as soon as I could.

But you were gone.

Leaving behind a
sign for me and only me.

That one day, you'd be back.

And so I waited.

And for the longest time,

there was nothing.

A hundred percent pure
medical-grade nothingness.

But then,

there you were.

Suddenly, everywhere
I looked, you were there.

As constant as the sun,
the moon, and the stars.

As if you had always
been looking down on me.

Letting me know what
I had always wanted to be true.

That you'd come back
to help me seek my revenge.

I returned to the places
where I thought you might be,

foolishly believing that
I could make you appear again.

That it was I who might find you again.

So I made myself ready for your turn.

Reworking my old childhood
funeral suit in anticipation of...

well...

more funerals.

And so that I might once again
bear witness to your terrible glory.

Fuck!

So I looked.

And behold, a pale horse.

And his name that sat on him was Death.

This is my king.

And now here we are.

Together at last.

With only one thing left to do.

In your infinite wisdom,

I trust your flaming
sword of righteousness

will cut the foul air

and smite the right person.

And I know you know
exactly what I'm talking about.

Shit, man, that sucks.

Shit, man, that sucks!

What?

Um, uh, it's Ricky.

What is it? I'm extremely busy.

Okay, yeah, so...

I hope this isn't
weird, but I was wondering,

you know, if maybe I could
give you your 15 bucks back

and instead I could just
keep the toy monkey thing.

It's not a toy, don't ever call it that.

Right, yeah, no, I
thought the same thing, too.

It just sort of makes
me think about my dad,

which I know is kind of a weird thing
for, like, a guy to say to, like, another guy.

Does it hurt very much
when you think Ricky?

Well, uh, uh, uh, well, well...

Did you know that twenty-seven
percent of all English-speaking people

will either say ho-shit
or holy shit before they die?

Now, it's funny, because
death is the one big thing

that'll happen to all of us,

and yet we still can't help
but be somehow surprised by it.

Right on, man.

So anyways, I saw your brother.

He looks like you.

But that's like, uh...

That's like your nephew, then, huh?

What if Petey turned the key?

So, so, can I have it back?

Never.

I implored you to find the
monkey, not to fall in love with it.

Now fuck off.

Fuck you, man.

Hey, Ma, are you home
or are you at the factory?

Lousy dead meat.

Yo, Bushard!

You got any extra bullets?

What caliber?

You still got some
of Barbara's blood on you?

Yeah.

Accidents happen.

Can I ask you a question?

Nope.

You ever killed a man?

Jesus.

Does Mom know?

No, I haven't killed anybody.

Of course I haven't killed anybody.

Look, when we get back to the motel,

I'm gonna call your mom,
and I'm gonna tell her what happened.

She'll think I'm
not safe to be around and

she'll be right.

So Ted will just adopt me,

and you'll never have to see me again?

You're better off with Ted, all right?

Believe me.

Fuck you, man.

Hey, Pete.

Well, I'm here if you need me.

You just do your thing
in the bathroom, okay?

And if you want to have a talk,
we can have a proper talk, all right, buddy?

Yes?

It's me.

You have it, don't you?

I know, maybe.

Come on, Bill, Mrs. Monkey.

I know you are, but what am I?

Stop turning the key.

Its arms aren't fucking long enough

or articulate enough
to reach back there itself,

so somebody has to.

And also, no.

Jesus fucking Christ,
Bill, these are innocent people.

Look, I don't care about me.

All that matters is that Petey is safe,

so stop turning it.

If you want me
to stop turning the key,

bring Petey to me
so he can turn it instead.

What? No. Why?

The person who turns the key never dies.

You've known that since
we were kids, haven't you now?

What?

What are you talking about?

Where are you, Bill?

If you want Petey to be safe,

all Petey has to do is turn the key

and keep turning the
key forever and ever and ever,

and Petey will never die.

Listen to me, Bill. All right?

Let me get Petey out of
here, then we'll talk, all right?

We'll figure out what we're gonna do.

Either I keep turning
the key, or Petey turns the key.

Call me back when
you made your decision.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Bill.

Fuck.

Come on, we gotta go right now!

Jesus Christ.

I have a heart attack.

Or do, you know?

You want out of my life so
bad it might just be a nice shortcut.

Petey what the fuck?

- Why didn't you answer the door?
- Why do you care?

Why would you even have a kid if all you're
gonna do is just keep yourself away from me?

I didn't exactly know what I was
doing, alright? I was just a stupid, dumb kid.

So I was an accident?
Is that what you're saying?

Everything is an accident, yes!

Wow.

Nice one.

Great to hear.

That's not funny.

Yes.

It was an accident, Petey.

But you were not a mistake.

I'm so glad you're here with me.

You're very precious to me.

But that's why I stay away.

Because I come with
all sorts of weird baggage

And I don't want you
to have to deal with that.

Like what?

Like...

bad stuff, Petey, Like...

Like evil stuff.

Stuff that I got from my dad
and I don't want to pass it on to you.

What are you talking about? Like what?

Like...

Open up! It's the motherfucking police!

All right, all right, all right.

Shut up! Shut up and answer!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just relax, all right?

Just relax. Relax.

Get the keys.

What?

Come on!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, all right.

We're gonna go for a little drive, okay?

Okay, all right.

All right, stop here.

Where are we?

Huh?

Where are we?

It's your brother's house.

Where's the fortress?

Don't pretend like
you don't know where we are.

I don't know, all right?

We're, you know, we're estranged.

Shit, man, that sucks.

Thanks.

Shut up!

Okay.

You!

You go inside.

You make nice with your uncle, you get
me the monkey, and you bring it out, okay?

What monkey?

It's got a little red vest,
and it holds a drum, and I need it.

Why does this guy know
about a monkey and I don't?

He doesn't know about the
monkey, and he's not going in there.

It's a toy monkey?

Don't call it that, all right? It's not.

It's evil.

It's basically the devil, all right?

It's a toy monkey.

I was going to tell
you when you were older, okay?

You've been a goddamn deadbeat
dad because of a toy monkey?

What the fuck?

Hey, language, and yes,

but that's why we have to get as
far away from this place as possible.

Seriously, kid, you gotta hope
that you get that goddamn monkey,

because I'm gonna shoot this guy.

All right, just let
me go in there with him.

- Please.
- No!

There is a doggy door around back,

and your kid better hope
that he's scrawny enough to fit.

You don't call the cops or do anything.

You get in there, you get me the monkey,

or I swear I'm gonna shoot
you both like a lot of times.

He's not going in there.

Shut up!

All right.

Go!

Hell.

This is some fucked up shit.

I know.

So whatever you do, don't
turn the key in the monkey's back.

Okay, okay.

Fuck.

Huh.

They're kinda cool.

I guess.

You're not really a cop, are you?

Shut up. Of course not.

I hate cops.

My dad was a cop.

Still is, for all I know.

No, my mom said
he was out chasing pussy,

but I'm all like, there's
pussy here in town, you know?

But whatever.

He left.

And that's why I hate cops.

But also they're cops, you know,

which is the best reason to hate cops.

What the fuck?

What the hell is that doing there?

Go ahead with your brides.

Hit it with my brides, okay.

Oh, gross! Shut it off!

Shut it off!

I'm shutting it off.

Jesus.

I trust your flaming
sword of righteousness

will cut the foul air
and strike the right person,

and only the right person.

Uncle Bill?

Petey.

What a nice surprise.

You okay?

Who, me?

Yeah.

You.

It's been a long time
since anyone's asked me that.

But now that you mention it, uh...

No.

I'm not okay.

It was my favorite toy from childhood.

It's supposed to play
the drums, but I think it stuck.

Would you fix it for me?

He was your grandfather, you know.

He brought it home
from one of his trips.

He was a pilot.

And he was a Petey, too.

Did you know that?

Hell never tells me anything.

Of course he doesn't.

So this is it, then, huh?

The thing that messed everyone up?

How could it?

It's just a toy.

Why don't you try turning it, hmm?

Probably just needs a different touch.

Here.

Turning the key is just simply something

the Shelburn men have
been doing for generations.

A tradition, if you will.

But if it's not for you, then...

It's not for him.

What does it do?

Turn the key.

See what happens.

You want me to back up?

No. Don't fucking move.

Okay, okay, okay.

Is it working?

Man, this stupid cop hat.

It's crazy itchy.

What?

Jesus fucking Christ!

Must be careful with that pistol, huh?

Yeah.

Totally.

Yeah, great.

Holy shit.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Oh, my God!

Fuck!

What the fuck?

Petey, where are you?

Dad.

Petey!

Turn it again this--

Turn the goddamn key right now!

What? No.

Then give me the
fucking monkey right now!

That's it. I'm not
asking nicely anymore.

Do it. Kill him.

Kill my dumb shit,
brother, and do it now!

God damn you!

Strike the goddamn drum!

God fucking...

I command you!

Fuck.

God...

Please.

God damn it!

God! How are you so goddamn strong?

Hey.

Petey. Jesus Christ.

Thank God. Come on.

God damn it!

What did I do wrong?

Are you mad at me?

What is that?

Christ!

Fuck!

What the...

Bill.

Fuck.

The drumstick's still up, Petey.

Hell of dumb shit.

That's all you can say
at a time like this, you fucker?

Dumb shit's what you are.

Fuck. You fuck.

Jesus Christ, Bill.

You were really trying
to kill me, weren't you?

Of course it was.

That's what all this carnage was for.

Could've killed Petey,
could've killed my fucking son.

For what? Why?

'Cause you killed my mom.

I know you wanted to kill me.

But the goddamn thing
doesn't take requests, obviously.

I've been turning the
key with you in mind for days.

Nothing.

Listen, Bill.

It's not my fault.

It wasn't anybody's fault.

None of us deserved what happened to us.

We just happened
to be there when it did.

Mommy?

I'm sorry, Bill.

But I guess I gotta go now.

Everybody dies, and that's life.

I'm sorry your mom died.

Fucking sucks.

I know how you feel.

She was my mom, too.

Oh, yeah.

Guess you're what?

Never thought about it like that.

Innocent mistake, I guess.

Sure.

Makes sense, though, you know.

We're brothers.

Twins. Right?

Sorry.

I wish we could have
been there for each other

when we were kids.

But we're here now.

What do you say, Bill?

Brothers again?

Sure.

Ah.

I'm sorry.

So, what, you two are on some
kind of road trip or something?

Yeah.

Kind of...

father-son road trip, right?

Cool.

I would like to have done that

with somebody at least once.

So come with us.

Jesus.

Fuck.

So Uncle Bill pretty
much wiped out half the town

where you grew up, huh?

Yeah.

You know, I get that
everybody dies and that's life

But this is like everybody
dies, you know, at the same time.

So, uh, what do you want to do now?

I guess we gotta figure out
what we're gonna do with the monkey.

We keep it close.

We accept that it's ours, and...

we hold on tight.

Hey, I just got an idea of
what we should do right now.

Let's go dancing.

Dancing?

Yeah.

Like with our bodies?

Where did that shit come from?

It comes from your grandmother.

And Lois.

Cool.

Yeah, that's cool.

Transcribed, Synchronized & Edited
by ailurophile7