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LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
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Official YIFY movies site:
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MILTON: Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
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Welcome back, welcome back.
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At long last, the time is come.
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Please, welcome to the stage...
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well, me, Milton Jones!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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MAN IN AUDIENCE: Milton!
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Good evening.
AUDIENCE: Good evening.
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It's nice to be back to normal,
isn't it?
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LAUGHTER
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If I understand history correctly,
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years ago, everyone in this country
whose name was Colin...
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was rounded up...
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and transported
to places like Canada,
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India, Australia,
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in an attempt...
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LAUGHTER
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Some of you seem to be ahead of me.
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LAUGHTER
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In an attempt...
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Here we go...
LAUGHTER
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In an attempt
to Colin-ise the world!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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I hope you're with me now,
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cos if you're not,
it's gonna be a long evening.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
you need to know something.
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I've spent some time
in the secret services...
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the ones between
Swansea and Cardiff on the M4.
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LAUGHTER
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Where all the signs are encrypted.
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LAUGHTER
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I'm not... In Welsh.
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LAUGHTER
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I'm not quite sure why I lost my job
with MI5 as an interrogator...
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and I didn't like to ask.
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LAUGHTER
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They said they had reports
of me defecting in a stairwell.
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I said they needed to
read the reports more carefully.
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LAUGHTER
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Maybe it was that time
I was supposed to put bombs
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under ships in the harbour.
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I accidentally filled
all our breathing equipment
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with nitrous oxide, I mean...
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we laughed about it at the time.
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LAUGHTER
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There was that other occasion.
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I woke up in the middle
of the night,
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there was a beautiful woman
in my bedroom.
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I said, "Who are you?
What do you want?"
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She looked at me and said...
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LAUGHTER
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.."Nikita."
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And sure enough,
when I woke up in the morning...
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my radiator was missing.
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LAUGHTER
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And, so... "Nick heater."
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LAUGHTER
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And so, tonight,
ladies and gentlemen,
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I'm gonna be telling you about
my career as a spy.
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The highs, the lows,
and why I had to retire in the end.
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The truth is, CIA, KGB, MI5,
they've all got a lot of secrets...
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KFC, just the one.
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LAUGHTER
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It's not easy to kill,
not even a mouse.
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Some of them
are bigger than you think.
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In fact, I'm still banned
from Euro Disney.
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LAUGHTER
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If you assume a false identity,
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you mustn't draw
any attention to yourself.
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As we know,
terrorists all over the world
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want to kill everyone
with a British passport.
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Imagine being battered to death
with a tiny little book.
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LAUGHTER
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My aunt, she's almost Irish.
Her name's...
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Iris.
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LAUGHTER
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We're very lucky in this country,
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we have an amazing
cultural heritage.
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Brilliant cities.
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London...
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LAUGHTER
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WOMAN: Chelmsford!
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What's... Where?
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WOMAN: Chelmsford.
LAUGHTER
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Chelmsford...
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LAUGHTER
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No, it's true. I've got a cousin
who lives in Chelmsford.
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Keeps all his money
under a mattress,
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on the grounds that
no thief would ever
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think of looking
in the front garden.
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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Could have been anywhere.
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LAUGHTER
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00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:20,960
Any other cities
people are proud of?
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LAUGHTER
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MAN: Gloucester!
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Gloucester!
CHUCKLES
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I was in Gloucester recently.
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There was a girl
walking down the high street
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with a sash saying,
"Miss Gloucester."
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And I thought,
"That's a good idea."
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LAUGHTER
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Any other cities?
WOMAN: Truro!
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Where?
Truro!
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AUDIENCE CHATTER
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LAUGHTER
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I remember being in Truro...
CHUCKLES
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LAUGHTER
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..with John Lennon.
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I got to the edge
of Cornwall eventually.
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I turned to him, and I said,
"Imagine there's no Devon."
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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Not long after that,
he wrote the song...
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LAUGHTER
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..Help!
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LAUGHTER
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Sheffield, that's an amazing place.
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Years ago, not only did
the citizens have to make the steel,
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they used to have to
sell it as well,
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so in a very real way,
he who smelt it...
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dealt it.
LAUGHTER
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I did a show in Liverpool recently,
a bloke came up to me afterwards.
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He said,
"'Ey, listen. I wanna talk."
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I said,
"Well, just keep practising!"
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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Recently, I was just
to the north of London.
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It turns out, like a lot of people
these days, I am in fact...
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00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:04,960
Luton intolerant.
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00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,960
LAUGHTER
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So then, let us begin.
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Stand by for
a bit of a roller-coaster.
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LAUGHTER
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00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,960
Yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
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I'll be using this amazing,
state-of-the-art Alexa-type system
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for all my sounds and pictures.
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Man and technology working together,
artificial intelligence
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dovetailing with every
nuance of human language.
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I digress.
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LOUD ROAR
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"Digress," not "tigress."
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LAUGHTER
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Stand by for action...
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Intrigue...
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00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,960
SPY MOTIF PLAYS
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00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:50,960
Suspense...
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LAUGHTER
153
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,960
And maybe just a little bit
of what you're not expecting.
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Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!
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I'm liking the aubergines!
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LAUGHTER
157
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,960
Yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
your mission as an audience,
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should you choose to accept it,
is to watch, listen,
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and to cheer silently.
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Hip-hip!
AUDIENCE: Hooray!
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LAUGHTER
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00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,320
Something is wrong
with Great Britain.
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Due to hunger
and lack of education...
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a lot of lollipop ladies
are being licked to death.
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LAUGHTER
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I have a friend
who is a person of colour,
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00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:47,960
she's also on the spectrum.
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Her name's Violet.
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LAUGHTER
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We need to be asking the government
the difficult questions, like...
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how did you know how many
census forms to send out?
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00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,960
LAUGHTER
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00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,960
This is Great Britain
and Ireland years ago,
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green and pleasant lands,
whereas, today...
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00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:15,960
covered in graffiti.
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00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,960
LAUGHTER
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00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,960
People say to me, "Islamophobia."
I say no...
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lamb is a type of meat.
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LAUGHTER
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It's not a phobia.
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00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,960
I mean, you might
have a phobia of lamb...
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if when you were little,
you fell into a shepherd's pie.
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We've all done that.
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00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,160
LAUGHTER
185
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,960
There are some strange people
out there.
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00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,960
Did you hear about
that woman who was arrested
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at Gatwick airport this morning?
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Seven baby porcupines
in a pillowcase...
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..I don't know how
some people sleep at night.
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00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,960
LAUGHTER
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00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,320
Moped crime,
the scourge of our streets.
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00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,000
I saw a moped coming towards me
the other day.
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00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,960
I waited, I waited, I waited.
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00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960
It was going past...
IMITATES WHOOSH
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00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:09,960
Took him off.
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00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,480
When I opened up
what he had in the back...
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00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,960
he'd clearly just
stolen a human heart.
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00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,320
LAUGHTER
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00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,960
I probably saved a life, there.
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00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,960
LAUGHTER
201
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960
We can't trust our heroes any more.
202
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,960
Tom Cruise has been
involved in six missions...
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00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:34,960
which he said were impossible.
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00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,640
LAUGHTER
205
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,960
Six... Has anyone
ever said to Bear Grylls,
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00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:39,960
"You need to get out more"?
207
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,960
LAUGHTER
208
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,960
No, and yet,
he remains a liability outdoors.
209
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
I don't know if you've ever
tried to warn him
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00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
about the attack of a bear...
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00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:49,960
Bear?
212
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,160
LAUGHTER
213
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,320
Bear.
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00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:54,960
Bear?
215
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,640
Bear. Bear, bear, bear, bear!
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Too late.
217
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,960
LAUGHTER
218
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,960
I once saw a very similar incident
with Sting and a jellyfish.
219
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,960
LAUGHTER
220
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960
But if you want to know about me...
HARP MUSIC PLAYS
221
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,960
..where I come from,
where I've been,
222
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,320
you need to know about my past...
ECHOES
223
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,960
LAUGHTER
224
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,480
Bit further.
225
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:23,960
HARP CONTINUES
226
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,960
Too far now, back this way.
227
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,480
HARP MUSIC REVERSES
228
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:31,960
One more day.
HARP CHIMES
229
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,960
I always remember my mother saying,
230
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,480
"You can eat the leftovers
in the fridge."
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00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,640
I almost froze to death.
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00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:44,960
LAUGHTER
233
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:50,960
"Finish your greens," she'd shout,
234
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,000
until I'd eaten
nearly all my felt pens.
235
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,960
LAUGHTER
236
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,960
My sister was to
be known as "Olive,"
237
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,640
but when they came
to register the name,
238
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,960
the pen stopped working briefly,
and from then on,
239
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,960
she had to be known as "Clive".
240
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:08,960
LAUGHTER
241
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,320
My real hero was my grandfather.
242
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,960
Single-handedly
broke the enigma code...
243
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:20,960
machine.
244
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,960
LAUGHTER
245
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960
Grandmother was brilliant
in her own way.
246
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,960
She had an amazing method for
avoiding winter fuel price rises.
247
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,960
Er, she died.
248
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,960
LAUGHTER
249
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,960
Towards the end,
we got her to rally for a bit...
250
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,320
but probably shouldn't have
let her drive a car.
251
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,960
LAUGHTER
252
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:49,960
My enduring memory will always
be of her giving us raisins.
253
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,160
Birthdays, Christmas,
always raisins.
254
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,960
In fact, we used to call her, er...
255
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:54,960
Peshwari Nan.
256
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:59,160
LAUGHTER
257
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,960
But as we sprinkled
my grandfather's remains
258
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,960
on his favourite bowling green,
I thought to myself...
259
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,320
we should probably
have had him cremated.
260
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,960
LAUGHTER
261
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,960
The people around us were
uneducated and un-enlightened.
262
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,960
For instance,
they had their own idea
263
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,960
about what post-feminism was...
264
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,960
LAUGHTER
265
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,800
I, too, struggled
with relationships.
266
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,960
Every February 13th,
the day before Valentine's Day,
267
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,960
you'd always find me running around
a late night garage, 10:30 at night,
268
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,960
looking for a... girlfriend.
STUTTERS
269
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,960
LAUGHTER
270
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,960
But then one day,
a neighbour said to me...
271
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,800
IN ACCENT: "The grass is always
greener on the other side."
272
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,960
"The grass is always
greener on the other side."
273
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960
I thought maybe he was saying,
in some way,
274
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,960
that I was jealous of him.
Anyway, it turns out...
275
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,960
I had laid my astro-turf
upside down.
276
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,960
LAUGHTER
277
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,320
It was this same neighbour,
I thought if I rang his doorbell
278
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,000
in the middle of the night,
he'd invite me in,
279
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,960
and we'd have a huge banquet
of my favourite cereal.
280
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,000
It turns out, that's not
what a "Frostie reception" is.
281
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,960
LAUGHTER
282
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Wasn't any easier
when I was married.
283
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,960
It turns out, Stalingrad to Berlin
in the back of a World War II tank
284
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,960
wasn't the retreat my wife
wanted for her birthday.
285
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:38,960
LAUGHTER
286
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,960
I even began to feel sorry
for Meghan Markle.
287
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,000
You know, wondering whether or not
to try and escape
288
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,960
the obsessive scrutiny
of her husband's family.
289
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,160
Tossing a coin,
only to see his grandmother's face
290
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:51,960
looking back at her.
291
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:52,960
LAUGHTER
292
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,960
When I was a teenager,
293
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,960
I had a friend
who went off the rails.
294
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,960
I said to him, "Thomas..."
295
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:03,960
LAUGHTER
296
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960
"..don't do that again,
we love you!"
297
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960
I wasn't sure how he'd react,
but, er...
298
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:11,960
he was chuffed.
299
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,960
LAUGHTER
300
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,960
The people around us
were negative about everything.
301
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,960
Yes, the oceans are being
filled with plastic,
302
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,960
but just look how fish are adapting.
303
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:31,960
LAUGHTER
304
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,960
They were negative, too,
about my choice of career.
305
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,960
They said it was foolish
to open a bureau for espionage...
306
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,960
called Intelligence Ltd.
307
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,960
LAUGHTER
308
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960
Sure, I'd had other jobs.
309
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,000
My career as a photographer
was all a bit of a blur.
310
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,960
LAUGHTER
311
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,960
I was in computers for a while,
I didn't have much social contact.
312
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
Well, apart from
going into restaurants,
313
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960
tripping up the waiter
and shouting,
314
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,960
"The server's down!"
315
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,960
LAUGHTER
316
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,960
But I was determined to infiltrate
an organisation
317
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,960
with branches all over this country.
318
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,960
LAUGHTER
319
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:24,960
LAUGHTER
320
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,320
Counter-intelligence.
321
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,160
LAUGHTER
322
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:32,960
APPLAUSE
323
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,960
First day I went in,
I picked up a lasagne,
324
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,160
and read,
"Remove cardboard sleeve and film."
325
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,960
LAUGHTER
326
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,960
To this day, it's the most
boring video I ever made.
327
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960
LAUGHTER
328
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,960
In the kitchen,
I was one of those cooks
329
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,960
who shouts and swears a lot...
330
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,960
then I discovered oven gloves.
331
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,960
LAUGHTER
332
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,960
I remember once
trying to prepare some broccoli.
333
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,960
I said, "Listen, you're gonna
be boiled in a saucepan."
334
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,960
LAUGHTER
335
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,640
"Even then,
the kids aren't gonna eat you."
336
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,960
I mean, at least onions
think you care about them.
337
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,960
LAUGHTER
338
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,960
In the bakery, my favourite
was millionaire's shortbread,
339
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,960
or as millionaires call it...
340
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:25,960
shortbread.
341
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,000
LAUGHTER
342
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,480
Or, as short millionaires
call it...
343
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:30,960
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Bread.
344
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,960
LAUGHTER
345
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,960
.."difficult to reach biscuits."
346
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,960
LAUGHTER
347
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960
Or, as bread
calls a short millionaire...
348
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,960
Rishi Sunak.
349
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960
LAUGHTER
350
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,320
APPLAUSE
351
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,320
I tell you what else
is dangerous in a kitchen...
352
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,960
is a leopard.
353
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,480
LAUGHTER
354
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,960
I... Well, it would be, wouldn't it?
355
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,960
LAUGHTER
356
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,000
I also observed that vegans always
look miserable in photographs.
357
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:16,960
Probably because they resent having
to say the word, "Cheese."
358
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:21,160
LAUGHTER
359
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,320
My other favourite,
upside-down pineapple cake,
360
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,960
or as they call it in Australia...
361
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,960
LAUGHTER
362
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:31,960
.."pineapple cake."
363
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,960
Or, as Australian pineapples
call it...
364
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,800
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
.."The cake of death."
365
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:42,000
LAUGHTER
366
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,960
And in the evenings,
367
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:48,160
I infiltrated yet another
organisation, the UN.
368
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,480
Now, people think of the UN
as just being a bit of "fun."
369
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,320
LAUGHTER
370
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,960
And, in a way, it is.
371
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,960
But I was there to eavesdrop
on conversations between nations.
372
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,640
I was reporting back to my handler.
I can't reveal her identity,
373
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:11,960
but I knew her as "M".
374
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:12,960
"M" for "Mother". Whoops.
375
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,960
LAUGHTER
376
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,960
And she supplied me
with some top-of-the-range
377
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,160
British military
communication equipment.
378
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,960
And in turn,
I reported back to her...
379
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,960
..about what I heard one nation
saying to another.
380
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,960
JAZZ PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
381
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:31,960
HIGH-PITCHED: "Oi!
382
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:34,960
"Oi!
383
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,960
"Me old China!"
384
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:39,320
LAUGHTER
385
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,960
"Me old China!"
386
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,160
LOW-PITCHED: "Yes?"
387
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,960
"We've got our country back.
388
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,960
"We've got our country back."
389
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:49,960
"Which one?
390
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,960
"Canada? India? Austral..."
391
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,960
"No, we were
with lots of other countries.
392
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,960
"They had all
these rules, regulations.
393
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,960
"Human rights and stuff."
394
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,480
"Oh, tell me about it."
395
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:03,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
396
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,960
"Hang on a minute.
397
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,960
"How come you haven't
got a Chinese accent?"
398
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,960
"Trust me, it's better this way."
399
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,960
LAUGHTER
400
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:19,960
"What you doing?"
401
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,960
"Oh, I'm just making roads,
railways, that sort of thing."
402
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,960
IMITATES DRILL
"There's another railway."
403
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:25,960
IMITATES DRILL
"There's another."
404
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,160
"Wow! We've got HS2..."
405
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
406
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:30,960
"..hopefully."
407
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:31,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
408
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,960
"What's that?"
"Oh, it was a railway line
409
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,960
"that people talked about
before the pandemic.
410
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,960
"I just don't know
where the pandemic came from."
411
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,480
"Careful."
412
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,960
LAUGHTER
413
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,960
"Anyway, I'm here to represent
the best of British manufacturing.
414
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960
"Do you like fudge?"
415
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,960
LAUGHTER
416
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,960
"Fudge?" "Yeah,
it's just burnt sugar, really.
417
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,480
"We put it in a tin with a picture
of a cottage on the front."
418
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,640
LAUGHTER
419
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,960
"Do you wanna do a trade deal?"
420
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:06,960
"No."
421
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:12,160
"Oh." "Tell me,
where do you get your sugar from?"
422
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,960
WHIMPERS
423
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,960
"Oh, no! I haven't
thought this through at all."
424
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,000
LAUGHTER
425
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,960
APPLAUSE
426
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,960
So, I was beginning to
learn to think like a spy.
427
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,960
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
428
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,640
LAUGHTER
429
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,960
Taking nothing at face-value.
430
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,960
My mother phoned up the other day,
she's got a new dog.
431
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,960
"He's a bit shy, but he's coming
out of his shell now."
432
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,160
I said, "That's not a dog."
433
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,480
LAUGHTER
434
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,960
They said Heathrow
is a busy airport.
435
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,800
Not when I sent
one of my drones up.
436
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,960
LAUGHTER
437
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,960
The bin man said to the other day...
438
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,480
Said to me, the other day...
439
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,960
It's all right, I'll just
go back to where I went wrong.
440
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:10,960
Good evening.
441
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,960
LAUGHTER
442
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,960
The bin man said to me,
a few weeks ago...
443
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,320
LAUGHTER
444
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:24,960
.."Where's your recycling tubs?"
445
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960
I said,
"You're not so thin yourself."
446
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,640
LAUGHTER
447
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:33,960
See what you nearly missed?
448
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,320
LAUGHTER
449
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:38,960
I was getting to the stage now,
450
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,960
where I needed gadgets
in my spy career.
451
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,960
You know,
a pen that's also a laser beam.
452
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,000
A shoe that's also a small office.
453
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,960
One of those hats that can
go all the way around the world.
454
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,960
LAUGHTER
455
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,960
Come on, Cheltenham.
Or, can I call you GCHQ?
456
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,160
LAUGHTER
457
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,960
LAUGHTER
458
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,960
Someone's released gas.
459
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:11,960
LAUGHTER
460
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:15,160
Name a gadget,
any gadget that a spy might need.
461
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,800
LAUGHTER
462
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,960
MAN 1: Laser pen.
A laser pen.
463
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,960
Like the one I just mentioned.
464
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,000
LAUGHTER
465
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,960
MAN SHOUTS
466
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,800
Let's go with laser pen.
467
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:30,960
LAUGHTER
468
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,960
SPY MUSIC PLAYS
469
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,160
LAUGHTER
470
00:23:57,960 --> 00:23:59,960
Most audiences say a phone.
471
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,960
LAUGHTER
472
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,960
Meanwhile, back at
the United Nations...
473
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,640
JAZZ PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
474
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,000
LAUGHTER
475
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,960
MAN: Oh, dear.
476
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:18,960
AMERICAN ACCENT: "Er...
477
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,960
"Do I know you?"
478
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:24,960
RUSSIAN ACCENT: "Russia."
479
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:25,960
"Oh...
480
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,960
"This sketch was so much funnier
nine months ago."
481
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:33,000
LAUGHTER
482
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,320
LIGHT LAUGHTER
483
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:42,960
"Not that funny."
484
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,480
LAUGHTER
485
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:45,960
"Have we met?"
486
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,960
"At the function
at the United Nations.
487
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:50,640
"You came dressed
as the Al-Qaeda flag.
488
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:52,960
"Then we realised the invite said,
"Come in fancy dress...
489
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:54,960
"or as is."
490
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,960
LAUGHTER
491
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:01,960
"I don't get it."
492
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,960
LAUGHTER
493
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,640
"All I know is that America
is the greatest nation in the world,
494
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,960
"and that anyone
can become president."
495
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,960
LAUGHTER
496
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:13,960
"We noticed."
497
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:15,960
LAUGHTER
498
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,960
"Who's your guy?" "Vladimir Putin.
You have to admire him."
499
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:20,960
"Why's that?"
500
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,960
"There'll be consequences."
501
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,960
LAUGHTER
502
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:26,960
"What happened to your last guy?"
503
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,960
"Well, he's still building a wall."
504
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,160
LIGHT LAUGHTER
505
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,960
"Don't let him
get covered in wet cement.
506
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,320
"Why not?"
507
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,960
"That could set
a very bad president."
508
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:40,960
LAUGHTER
509
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:45,960
APPLAUSE
510
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,960
I'll never forget my first mission.
511
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,480
In a way, it was like a mission
you've seen a hundred times before.
512
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:58,160
A man is sitting
in the back seat of a car.
513
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:02,960
CAR CRASHES
514
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:04,640
There was no-one driving the car.
515
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:05,960
LAUGHTER
516
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,320
Start again. A man is sitting
in the front seat of a...
517
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:09,960
Hang on a minute.
518
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,960
It's 2022,
why does it have to be a man?
519
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,000
A bird is driving a car.
520
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:16,160
LAUGHTER
521
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:17,960
ENGINE RUMBLES
522
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,960
CAR CRASHES
523
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,960
Oh, no. He's crashed as well.
524
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,320
Perhaps he spent too long
looking in the mirror.
525
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:30,000
LAUGHTER
526
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:35,960
Either that, or his onboard computer
has been hacked.
527
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,960
Hang on a minute,
I'm getting something.
528
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:39,960
Enhance that. Let's go
to the southern hemisphere.
529
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,960
Enhance that.
Let's go to New Zealand.
530
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:44,960
Enhance that.
Let's go to North Island.
531
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,480
Enhance that. Let's go to Auckland.
532
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:47,960
If I'm not very much mistaken...
533
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,960
there is your "haka".
534
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,960
LAUGHTER
535
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,960
APPLAUSE
536
00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,000
OK, I was that spy.
537
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,960
Recently, I'd received a phone call
completely out of the blue.
538
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,960
It seems that
I'd been mis-sold a pie.
539
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:06,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
540
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:12,800
Oh, yes.
You could imagine the scenario.
541
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:13,960
Terrorists selling pies
to criminals,
542
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,960
the whole place
could be some kind of...
543
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:17,320
Ginsters paradise.
544
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,960
LAUGHTER
545
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:25,800
MAN BOOS
546
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:26,960
You can't handle the truth.
547
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,960
LAUGHTER
548
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,480
The next thing I know, I'm driving
a car in northern Morocco.
549
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:33,960
ENGINE RUMBLES
550
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:34,960
The road is strangely bumpy.
551
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,960
LAUGHTER
552
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,960
I look in the mirror,
I see I'm being followed,
553
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:40,000
so I speed up.
554
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,960
TYRES SCREECHING
555
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,960
They fire a couple of shots.
GUNSHOTS
556
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,160
As they fired at me,
that means I can fire at them,
557
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:47,960
cos I always play by the rules.
558
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,960
I pull over by the side of the road,
but it says, "Residents' parking,"
559
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:52,480
so I pull back out again.
560
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:53,800
LAUGHTER
561
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:54,960
Always play by the rules.
562
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,960
Just then,
we come to the edge of a town.
563
00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:58,960
A man pushes his cart into the road.
564
00:27:58,960 --> 00:27:59,960
I screech to a halt.
565
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:00,960
CAR HORN BLARING
566
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:03,320
Oranges go everywhere.
567
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:05,480
Now, I'm off,
rushing through the marketplace.
568
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:06,960
In and out, in and out.
569
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:08,960
I get tangled up
in an old woman's washing line,
570
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:10,960
there are trouser legs
either side of my head.
571
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:13,640
If only there'd been a sign
saying, "No dungarees."
572
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:16,960
LAUGHTER
573
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,960
I see the old woman's face,
she is but a voiceless victim.
574
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:21,960
She lets out
a barely audible sigh...
575
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,960
MAN GROANING LOUDLY
576
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,960
And with that,
a cigar falls from her mouth
577
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:27,960
and sets light to the laundry.
578
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:31,960
Now, I'm down by the harbour,
leaping from rooftop to rooftop,
579
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:32,960
and as I go from one to another...
580
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,800
..I have a sudden thought.
581
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,960
Maybe we are all spies,
582
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:44,800
and we all have
exactly the same secret.
583
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,160
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
584
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:16,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
585
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:42,960
Am I right?
586
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,960
LAUGHTER
587
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:47,960
Do we all have the same secret?
588
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,480
Even if we don't,
that is the only thing
589
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,640
you're gonna remember
from tonight's show.
590
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:55,960
LAUGHTER
591
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,960
And it will always be there,
even at the end,
592
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:01,960
when your life
flashes before your eyes,
593
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,000
and God says to you, "What's that?"
You'll have to say,
594
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,960
"I didn't know then,
and I don't know now!"
595
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:09,960
LAUGHTER
596
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:13,640
LIGHT APPLAUSE
597
00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:17,960
Eventually, I splash down
into the ocean.
598
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,960
I manage to swim ashore.
599
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:24,960
I come face-to-face with a pair
of very, very, very long legs.
600
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,960
This can only mean one thing,
some sort of daddy longlegs.
601
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:29,320
LAUGHTER
602
00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:31,480
No, no. It's very much
a mummy longlegs,
603
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:34,640
this means I'm gonna have to
use my most deadly weapon...
604
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:35,960
my charm.
605
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:37,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
606
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:39,640
"Hello.
607
00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:43,960
"Never take a Bakewell tart
out of the oven too early...
608
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:45,960
"the clue is in the name."
609
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:48,960
LAUGHTER
610
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:53,960
I was up north the other day,
the North of England,
611
00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:56,320
I saw a sign saying
"Bury Crematorium."
612
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:57,960
I thought, "Make your mind up."
613
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,960
LAUGHTER
614
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:04,960
Suffice it to say that
one thing leads to another,
615
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:06,800
and it all becomes a little bit...
616
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:07,960
lovey-dovey.
617
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:09,960
SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYS
618
00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:15,480
BIRD CHIRPING
619
00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:17,160
LAUGHTER
620
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:18,960
Mainly "dovey".
621
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:20,960
LAUGHTER
622
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:22,960
Meanwhile, back at
the United Nations...
623
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:24,000
WELSH ACCENT: "Australia.
624
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:25,960
"Australia.
625
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:30,480
"Australia."
626
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,960
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
"Yeah, mate, what is it?"
627
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:36,960
"About New South Wales..."
628
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,000
LAUGHTER
629
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:41,960
"What about it, mate?"
630
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:43,800
"It's tropical.
631
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:46,960
"Have you never been to Swansea?"
632
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:48,960
LAUGHTER
633
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,160
"I don't know, mate.
634
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,960
"Australia's got the greatest
climate in the world.
635
00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:58,960
"Greatest food.
636
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,160
"Greatest sporting teams.
637
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,640
"It's also got
the lowest crime rate."
638
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:05,960
"Well, not originally."
639
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,960
LAUGHTER
640
00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:14,960
APPLAUSE
641
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:19,960
I'm very lucky,
I've had an amazing career.
642
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:21,960
I've escaped on top of
one of these a few times...
643
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:23,320
a Vince Cable-car.
644
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:26,960
LAUGHTER
645
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:30,960
Well, Vince Cable is invincible...
646
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:33,960
..according to spell-check.
647
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:36,160
LAUGHTER
648
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:41,960
Another time, I was in
a fairground hall of mirrors,
649
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,960
and I was shot at
by a thin man with a rifle...
650
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:45,960
although it might have
been a fat man with a bazooka.
651
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
652
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:54,160
Another time, I had the privilege of
meeting one of my all-time heroes,
653
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:57,960
the theoretical physicist,
Stephen Hawking, and it turns out...
654
00:32:57,960 --> 00:32:59,480
he was real!
655
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:01,960
LAUGHTER
656
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:05,160
Not just theoretical.
657
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:06,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
658
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:09,960
We met in a pub,
and he said to me...
659
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:11,960
WONDROUS MUSIC PLAYS
660
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:15,960
ROBOTIC VOICE:
"Time is the fourth dimension.
661
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,960
"Time can be stretched.
662
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,160
"Time can be elongated."
663
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:26,480
I said, "Stephen, the bell's gone.
664
00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:28,320
"I still can't serve you."
665
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,960
LAUGHTER
666
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:34,960
It can be a glamorous job, too.
667
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,960
Once, in an aeroplane, I remember
hearing a woman's voice saying,
668
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:40,640
"Ooh, muscles I didn't know I had."
669
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,160
I turned round, and she was
looking into her sick bag.
670
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,960
AUDIENCE GROANS
671
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:47,960
LAUGHTER
672
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,960
Perhaps, I was losing track
of reality.
673
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,960
I was already attending meetings
of Eavesdroppers Anonymous...
674
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:57,960
not that they knew.
675
00:33:57,960 --> 00:34:01,960
LAUGHTER
676
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,960
And then,
there was my final mission.
677
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,960
I was in charge of
an elite group again.
678
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:10,960
It was a difficult task.
Surrender wasn't an option,
679
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:12,960
but it didn't go
as well as I'd hoped.
680
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:15,480
LAUGHTER
681
00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:20,960
I was captured,
and taken to a disused warehouse.
682
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:24,000
I say disused, it was divided up
into serviced office units
683
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:27,480
for beatings,
torture and interrogation.
684
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:29,960
WATER DRIPPING
685
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:45,960
LAUGHTER
686
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:10,960
HIGH-PITCHED:
Tell us what we need to know.
687
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:16,960
LAUGHTER
688
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:23,480
Sounds like you need
the number of a good plumber.
689
00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:26,000
LAUGHTER
690
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:38,960
We are East European,
we know lots of good plumbers.
691
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:41,960
LAUGHTER
692
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:49,960
I'm glad you said that.
693
00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:53,960
LAUGHTER
694
00:35:58,960 --> 00:35:59,960
MI5?
695
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,960
LAUGHTER
696
00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:15,960
Pardon?
697
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,960
LAUGHTER
698
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:25,960
MI5?
699
00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:30,960
I'd say you're a lot
older than that.
700
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:33,960
LAUGHTER
701
00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:42,960
Who do you think I am?
702
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:50,960
I'd say you're some kind...
TIMER BEEPING
703
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:51,960
I've started, so I'll finish.
704
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:57,000
LAUGHTER
705
00:36:59,960 --> 00:37:02,800
Some kind of evil mastermind.
706
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:06,960
LAUGHTER
707
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:11,960
Who, from now on,
is gonna be very good at yoga.
708
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,960
LAUGHTER
709
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:15,960
Correct.
710
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,960
Are you acting alone?
711
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:22,960
Yes, but I'm playing
multiple characters.
712
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:25,960
LAUGHTER
713
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:27,480
LIGHT APPLAUSE
714
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:29,960
No! Is anyone helping you?
715
00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:32,960
Well, there's my friend, Sean.
716
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:36,960
HORN MUSIC PLAYS
717
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:38,960
I don't understand.
718
00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:42,000
"French horn,"
they didn't get it here, either.
719
00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:47,960
LAUGHTER
720
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:01,960
You don't recognise me, do you?
721
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:05,960
LAUGHTER
722
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:08,960
Nikita!
723
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:11,960
LAUGHTER
724
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:13,960
My codename is "Darkness".
725
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:17,960
Hello, Darkness, my old friend.
726
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:19,960
LAUGHTER
727
00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:21,960
LIGHT APPLAUSE
728
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:22,960
I've come to talk to you again.
729
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:25,960
The sound of...
730
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:26,960
Silence!
731
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,960
Are you still angry
I stole your radiator?
732
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:34,960
You're getting warmer.
733
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:36,960
LAUGHTER
734
00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:39,960
I know what you're trying to do,
735
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:41,960
you're trying to
increase global warming.
736
00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:43,640
When you let me
go to the bathroom earlier,
737
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:44,960
I saw thousands of radiators.
738
00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:46,960
No, one mirror, two radiators.
739
00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:49,960
Sometimes, if you stand
in the right place...
740
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:52,000
Anyway...
741
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:54,000
an old woman's laundry business
burnt down.
742
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:55,960
You were nearby at the time.
I was brought up
743
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,960
in that small Moroccan village.
744
00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:00,480
How come you don't
have a Moroccan accent?
745
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:01,960
Trust me, it's better this way.
746
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:05,640
LAUGHTER
747
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:09,960
We also met when things
all got a bit lovey-dovey.
748
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:11,960
That was you as well, was it?
Yes, I remember
749
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:12,960
when you came out
of the sea towards me.
750
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:15,960
You did that really weird walk.
751
00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:16,960
It was a pebble beach.
752
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:22,960
LAUGHTER
753
00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:25,960
Do you remember how we escaped?
754
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:27,960
Yes, we stole a horse
and rode to the border.
755
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,960
Then, we came face-to-face
with a patrol.
756
00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:32,960
Fortunately, I remembered
a trick from a film
757
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:33,960
to start kissing like lovers...
758
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:35,960
but the horse
was having none of it.
759
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,960
LAUGHTER
760
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:42,960
There is someone else
you should meet.
761
00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:45,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
762
00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:48,320
How's that even possible?
763
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:50,960
HIGH-PITCHED: You'll never get aw...
764
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:53,480
HE CHUCKLES
765
00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:55,960
LAUGHTER
766
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:03,000
How dare you impersonate me?
767
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,960
LAUGHTER
768
00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:10,000
APPLAUSE
769
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:11,960
NORMAL VOICE:
Two can play at that game.
770
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,960
LAUGHTER
771
00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:17,960
HIGH-PITCHED: You have a choice.
772
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:21,960
Either, you spend three years
in solitary confinement.
773
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:24,800
Or... two days in Gloucester.
774
00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:26,960
LAUGHTER
775
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:31,960
APPLAUSE
776
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:38,960
Those were a long three years.
777
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,960
LAUGHTER
778
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,960
At first, I tried to
call the nearest Uber...
779
00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:47,960
but the cars were all far too big
for the streets round there.
780
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:50,160
LAUGHTER
781
00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:52,800
But who was the nearest driver?
782
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:53,960
Oh, no, not him again.
783
00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:56,960
LAUGHTER
784
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,480
I didn't trust Uber drivers, anyway.
785
00:41:01,480 --> 00:41:03,960
My sister was gonna marry one
in three years' time.
786
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:05,960
Then it was four years.
787
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:08,640
Then it was seven years.
788
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:09,960
Then he went off with someone else.
789
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:12,960
I felt like I was losing my mind!
790
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:14,960
I desperately needed
to get out of spying.
791
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:15,960
I desperately needed help!
792
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:17,960
Hello? You've got to help me!
793
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:20,960
LAUGHTER
794
00:41:22,000 --> 00:41:23,640
You're breaking up.
795
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:25,480
LAUGHTER
796
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:29,960
APPLAUSE
797
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:35,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
798
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:43,640
It was around about that time...
799
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:44,960
that I began to have an epiphany.
800
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:50,960
Do you know, I've just realised
what an epiphany is!
801
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:54,960
LAUGHTER
802
00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:58,960
I wish more people would.
803
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:02,960
LAUGHTER
804
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:03,960
I defected...
805
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:06,960
but not before thinking long
and hard and doing the crossword.
806
00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:09,960
LIGHT LAUGHTER
807
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:15,960
I'm still an agent,
but an agent for liability insurance
808
00:42:15,960 --> 00:42:17,320
in that small Moroccan town.
809
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,000
Even got my own
organ delivery service...
810
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:20,960
called "Liveroo".
811
00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:23,960
LAUGHTER
812
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,960
It's true what they say, though.
If you give a man a fish...
813
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:31,960
you can really freak him out
if it's at the bus stop.
814
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:35,960
LAUGHTER
815
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:40,160
But no-one wants to retire,
you know,
816
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,960
be given a clock
and shown the door...
817
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:44,640
especially if you work
for Al-Qaeda.
818
00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:48,960
LAUGHTER
819
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,960
It had always
been my dream to set up
820
00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:57,960
a spy-themed optician's
on the high street...
821
00:42:57,960 --> 00:42:59,000
called "For Four Eyes Only."
822
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:02,960
LAUGHTER
823
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:06,320
I've just been very lucky,
824
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:08,000
I've travelled to
every city in the world.
825
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:09,960
Name a city, any city.
826
00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:11,160
MAN 1: Gloucester.
MAN 2: Gloucester!
827
00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:14,960
LAUGHTER
828
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,960
FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS
829
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:19,960
One day, I'm gonna do this show,
and then...
830
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:22,960
..first bit, someone's gonna
shout out "phone".
831
00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:25,320
LAUGHTER
832
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:26,960
Then, someone's gonna
shout out "Paris".
833
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,960
That person's name is Dave,
he's self-isolating at the moment,
834
00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:32,960
should be back in the show
by Tuesday.
835
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:36,320
LAUGHTER
836
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:39,960
I know what I'm gonna do.
837
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:40,960
I'm gonna write a screenplay
for a film,
838
00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:43,960
about a country singer
who's held hostage in a loft,
839
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:45,960
and call it,
Johnny Cash In The Attic.
840
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:49,960
LAUGHTER
841
00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:53,960
Where, as you know,
I've already written one film.
842
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:57,960
Well, I've made the film, but now,
I've written the screenplay as well.
843
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:04,960
LAUGHTER
844
00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:18,960
It's set in Newcastle.
845
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:22,480
And it's a son
talking to his mother.
846
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:27,960
GEORDIE ACCENT: "Hello, Mum.
847
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:33,960
"I got your note.
848
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:38,960
"So, I got you one of these."
849
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:40,960
LAUGHTER
850
00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:43,960
And she replies...
851
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:47,960
"No, no, no!
852
00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:52,960
"No, no, no, bonnie lad.
853
00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:58,000
"I wrote...
854
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,000
" 'I like your lass...
855
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:02,960
" 'Agnes.' "
856
00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:06,960
LAUGHTER
857
00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:19,960
"Oh, sorry, Mum.
858
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,480
"Can you get us a Tizer?"
859
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,960
And then she electrocutes him.
860
00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:30,960
LAUGHTER
861
00:45:34,960 --> 00:45:39,960
APPLAUSE
862
00:45:41,960 --> 00:45:43,960
I don't know,
maybe I'll spend the rest of my days
863
00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:46,000
looking out into the garden
through the French windows.
864
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:47,960
Or, as they call them in France...
865
00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:50,960
LAUGHTER
866
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:51,960
..fenetres.
867
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:54,640
LAUGHTER
868
00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:58,960
Just then, I met Tom Cruise...
869
00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:00,960
CHILDLIKE VOICE: Hello!
870
00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:02,960
LAUGHTER
871
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:11,960
Scientology is an evil religion.
872
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:15,960
What do you mean,
"That's not possible"?
873
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:17,960
Have you learnt nothing
from your missions?
874
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:20,640
LAUGHTER
875
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:23,640
Maybe I, too, have become
a bit hard on the inside.
876
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:25,960
The other day, I sent a diagram
of a dissection of a rabbit
877
00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:27,960
to my little nephew.
878
00:46:27,960 --> 00:46:29,960
If I'd listened to
what he asked for,
879
00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:32,160
it was a picture of
"Miffy or Topsy".
880
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:36,320
LAUGHTER
881
00:46:43,160 --> 00:46:46,960
But at least I found out
what's happening in the real world.
882
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:53,960
AUDIENCE MURMURS
883
00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:54,960
Calm down.
884
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:56,960
LAUGHTER
885
00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:03,320
FRENCH ACCENT: "So...
886
00:47:04,800 --> 00:47:05,960
"..how do you think it's all going?"
887
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:08,960
LAUGHTER
888
00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:12,960
"Shut up!"
889
00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:15,960
LAUGHTER
890
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:21,640
APPLAUSE
891
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:25,960
"Hm, well, my door is always open."
892
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:27,960
"No, no. That was part of
the problem in the first place.
893
00:47:28,960 --> 00:47:33,320
"Too many people coming over.
No! Brexit means Brexit."
894
00:47:33,320 --> 00:47:36,960
"Hm, if you ever write a dictionary,
remind me not to buy it."
895
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:39,800
LAUGHTER
896
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:45,960
"We're doing a lot better, now.
897
00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:47,960
"We're doing trade deals
with American farmers."
898
00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:49,960
"Pah! American animals,
they are pumped full of drugs.
899
00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:52,960
"They are not fit for anything.
All they are fit for..."
900
00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:54,960
"What, winning the Tour de France?"
CHUCKLES
901
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,960
LAUGHTER
902
00:47:57,960 --> 00:47:59,960
"No, we've been
with you over 40 years,
903
00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:02,960
"you haven't given us
a single concession."
904
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:09,160
"We spoke in English
the whole time you were here!"
905
00:48:09,160 --> 00:48:15,960
LAUGHTER
906
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:19,000
"And we had to put up with
your ridiculous accent."
907
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:20,960
LAUGHTER
908
00:48:20,960 --> 00:48:25,960
"The time has come to say goodbye,
or should I say...
909
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:27,800
"au-reservoir"?
910
00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:32,480
LAUGHTER
911
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:33,960
"No, you should not.
912
00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:38,960
"If you'll excuse me,
I have a very important meeting."
913
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:40,960
MUMBLING IN FRENCH
914
00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:44,960
LAUGHTER
915
00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:50,480
SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"Oh, hello. How are you?"
916
00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:53,960
LAUGHTER
917
00:48:53,960 --> 00:48:58,480
"May I say that you are
looking beautiful, tonight."
918
00:48:58,480 --> 00:49:01,960
"Ooh!
919
00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:04,960
"Nobody's ever said that before!"
920
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:08,800
"I don't know what it is,
there is something about you
921
00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:10,960
"that just makes me
want to kiss you."
922
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:14,480
"Oh! That'll be the great big X."
923
00:49:14,480 --> 00:49:18,960
LAUGHTER
924
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:22,800
"I was a bit worried about that,
925
00:49:22,800 --> 00:49:23,960
"if they take it
out of the Union Jack,
926
00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:25,960
"what will I be left with?"
927
00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:28,960
"It'll just be one big red cross.
928
00:49:28,960 --> 00:49:31,800
"Perhaps, that way,
they'll get some food parcels."
929
00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:36,960
LAUGHS IN FRENCH ACCENT
930
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:40,960
LAUGHS IN SCOTTISH ACCENT
931
00:49:44,960 --> 00:49:45,960
"Tell me...
932
00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:48,960
"..do you like fudge?"
933
00:49:48,960 --> 00:49:51,960
LAUGHTER
934
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:57,480
APPLAUSE
935
00:49:59,960 --> 00:50:01,960
Did you hear,
in the German city of Cologne...
936
00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:03,960
they sell a fragrance
called Birmingham?
937
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:07,960
LAUGHTER
938
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:12,960
I can say that,
cos I was brought up in Birmingham.
939
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:14,960
How come I don't
have a Brummie accent?
940
00:50:14,960 --> 00:50:16,960
Trust me, it's better this way.
941
00:50:16,960 --> 00:50:18,960
LAUGHTER
942
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:22,960
Of course,
with the pandemic and Brexit,
943
00:50:22,960 --> 00:50:25,800
inevitably, I ended up
doing a bit of panic buying.
944
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:27,000
Yes, I bought two bananas
and a whistle.
945
00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:29,960
Well, I panicked.
946
00:50:29,960 --> 00:50:33,800
LAUGHTER
947
00:50:35,960 --> 00:50:39,480
But that night,
I ate like I'd never eaten before.
948
00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:42,320
LOUD CHEWING
949
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:43,480
WHISTLE BLOWS
950
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:45,000
LOUD CHEWING
951
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:46,160
WHISTLE BLOWS
952
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:51,960
After that, I set up a business
where people could change identity.
953
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:54,960
With hindsight, I should probably
have got them to pay upfront.
954
00:50:54,960 --> 00:50:59,640
LAUGHTER
955
00:51:01,960 --> 00:51:03,960
What have I learnt from my job?
956
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,960
Well, I think you probably
get what you deserve.
957
00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:10,960
Yes, see, only this week,
the world's laziest teacher died...
958
00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:12,960
and was buried
in an unmarked grave.
959
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:18,960
LAUGHTER
960
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:24,960
Never say, "You and whose army"
to the king.
961
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:27,960
LAUGHTER
962
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,960
Or indeed,
to Eric and Shirley Whosearmy,
963
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:31,960
who don't speak to their son, Ewan.
964
00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:33,960
LAUGHTER
965
00:51:36,960 --> 00:51:39,000
And if you want to be
able to predict the weather,
966
00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:41,800
best thing to do
is to get some pine cones,
967
00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:43,960
Pinophyta strobilus,
968
00:51:43,960 --> 00:51:46,640
put them in a cupboard,
preferably a mahogany cupboard,
969
00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:48,960
at least 120m away from the house.
970
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:51,960
And if, when you come in,
your pyjamas are wet...
971
00:51:51,960 --> 00:51:52,960
it's raining.
972
00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:58,960
LAUGHTER
973
00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:05,960
And if you own a dog that keeps
running off into crowded areas,
974
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,960
so you have to shout his name
loudly after him,
975
00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:10,320
into those crowded areas...
976
00:52:10,320 --> 00:52:12,960
don't call him
"Death to the West."
977
00:52:12,960 --> 00:52:16,960
LAUGHTER
978
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:20,960
And if you've got some leftovers,
979
00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:23,960
best thing to do is put them in
the fridge for a couple of days...
980
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:25,960
and then throw them away.
981
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:30,480
LAUGHTER
982
00:52:31,960 --> 00:52:34,960
After a while,
I met up with my family again.
983
00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:38,960
Soon, my daughter
was asking to go to the cinema,
984
00:52:38,960 --> 00:52:40,960
see the film, Bohemian Rhapsody.
985
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:42,960
I said, "I will not let you go."
986
00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:46,960
LAUGHTER
987
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:50,480
She said, "Let me go."
988
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:53,960
I said...
Anyway, it went on like this.
989
00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:55,960
LAUGHTER
990
00:52:55,960 --> 00:52:59,160
In the event she was ill,
she couldn't go.
991
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:01,960
She choked on a small teddy
in a trifle.
992
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:05,960
LAUGHTER
993
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:12,000
But at least I tried to warn her...
994
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:13,160
Bear!
995
00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:18,000
Bear!
996
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:19,960
FRIGHTENED: Bear...
997
00:53:19,960 --> 00:53:22,960
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
998
00:53:22,960 --> 00:53:27,960
APPLAUSE
999
00:53:57,960 --> 00:53:59,960
Thank you, thank you, Cheltenham.
1000
00:53:59,960 --> 00:54:02,960
I've heard of
the Cheltenham races, er...
1001
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:04,960
it seems to be
mainly white people.
1002
00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:07,960
LAUGHTER
1003
00:54:07,960 --> 00:54:12,960
APPLAUSE
1004
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:15,960
You can use that.
1005
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:17,960
LAUGHTER
1006
00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:20,960
Things are getting better, though.
1007
00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:23,960
Today, I saw a sheep pole-dancing...
1008
00:54:24,960 --> 00:54:25,960
..in a kebab shop.
1009
00:54:25,960 --> 00:54:31,960
LAUGHTER
1010
00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:37,960
Spent the whole of lockdown
in my parents' house,
1011
00:54:37,960 --> 00:54:40,960
it was strange being back there,
looking into my neighbour's garden,
1012
00:54:40,960 --> 00:54:42,960
where I used to steal apples
as a toddler.
1013
00:54:42,960 --> 00:54:44,960
They didn't mind me
stealing apples...
1014
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:46,960
it was dressing up as a toddler
they thought was weird.
1015
00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:50,960
LAUGHTER
1016
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:56,960
So, I come from a family
of failed magicians...
1017
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:58,960
I've got two half-sisters.
1018
00:54:58,960 --> 00:55:00,960
LAUGHTER
1019
00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:06,800
APPLAUSE
1020
00:55:07,960 --> 00:55:09,960
My brother,
he's in his final year...
1021
00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:11,960
if he doesn't stop annoying me.
1022
00:55:11,960 --> 00:55:15,960
LAUGHTER
1023
00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:16,960
Any students here?
1024
00:55:16,960 --> 00:55:18,960
MAN: Yeah.
Yeah, what you studying?
1025
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:21,960
Games development.
Games development?
1026
00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:22,960
Do you mean PE?
1027
00:55:22,960 --> 00:55:28,800
LAUGHTER
1028
00:55:32,160 --> 00:55:35,800
Or Cluedo?
HE CHUCKLES
1029
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:38,320
Computer games?
Yeah.
1030
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:40,960
Have you noticed,
if you google the phrase,
1031
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:42,960
"Lost medieval servant boy..."
1032
00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:45,960
..it says,
"This page cannot be found."
1033
00:55:45,960 --> 00:55:47,960
LAUGHTER
1034
00:55:47,960 --> 00:55:52,960
APPLAUSE
1035
00:55:57,960 --> 00:55:59,960
Some of you are gonna
be doing that, tomorrow.
1036
00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:02,960
LAUGHTER
1037
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:06,320
DELAYED LAUGH
1038
00:56:06,320 --> 00:56:08,960
HE CHUCKLES
1039
00:56:08,960 --> 00:56:10,960
Where are you up to?
HE CHUCKLES
1040
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:13,960
"Peshwari Nan"?
1041
00:56:13,960 --> 00:56:16,960
LAUGHTER
1042
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:23,960
Anyone here from outside
the United Kingdom?
1043
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:25,000
MAN: Yes.
Yeah? Where you from?
1044
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:27,960
New Zealand.
Ah!
1045
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:28,960
Anywhere else?
1046
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:33,960
LAUGHTER
1047
00:56:35,960 --> 00:56:39,160
People from New Zealand don't like
being called Australian, do they?
1048
00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:40,640
Oh, no.
1049
00:56:40,640 --> 00:56:41,960
AUDIENCE MEMBER HOLLERS
1050
00:56:41,960 --> 00:56:42,960
It's all right, I'm doing a joke.
1051
00:56:42,960 --> 00:56:45,000
LAUGHTER
1052
00:56:46,960 --> 00:56:48,960
Trust me.
HE CHUCKLES
1053
00:56:50,960 --> 00:56:51,960
People from New Zealand...
1054
00:56:54,800 --> 00:56:56,960
..don't like being
called Australian, do they?
1055
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:57,960
People from Britain don't realise
1056
00:56:57,960 --> 00:56:59,960
there's an entirely
separate culture,
1057
00:56:59,960 --> 00:57:01,960
there's a great big sea
between the two places.
1058
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:03,960
What people from Britain
don't realise...
1059
00:57:03,960 --> 00:57:05,960
I've messed it up now, cos of you.
1060
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:08,640
LAUGHTER
1061
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:15,960
Vince Cable?
1062
00:57:15,960 --> 00:57:19,960
LAUGHTER
1063
00:57:22,160 --> 00:57:23,960
It's all right,
I'm gonna do it, if it kills me.
1064
00:57:23,960 --> 00:57:26,480
LAUGHTER
1065
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:28,800
Fortunately, we're not
videoing it or anything.
1066
00:57:28,800 --> 00:57:30,960
LAUGHTER
1067
00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:34,320
LIGHT APPLAUSE
1068
00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:38,960
People from New Zealand...
1069
00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:40,960
LAUGHTER
1070
00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:41,960
Shush.
1071
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:44,960
I'll tell you when, all right?
1072
00:57:44,960 --> 00:57:47,960
People from New Zealand don't like
being called Australian, do they?
1073
00:57:47,960 --> 00:57:49,960
What people from Britain
don't realise,
1074
00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:51,960
it's an entirely separate culture,
1075
00:57:51,960 --> 00:57:54,800
there's a great big sea
between the two places.
1076
00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:55,960
What...
1077
00:57:55,960 --> 00:57:59,960
LAUGHTER
1078
00:58:01,960 --> 00:58:02,960
Let me finish.
1079
00:58:02,960 --> 00:58:04,960
LAUGHTER
1080
00:58:04,960 --> 00:58:07,960
What people from New Zealand
don't realise,
1081
00:58:07,960 --> 00:58:10,960
is that we in Britain don't care!
1082
00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:13,160
LAUGHTER
1083
00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:17,320
APPLAUSE
1084
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:23,960
HE SIGHS
1085
00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,960
Now...
HE CHUCKLES
1086
00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:29,960
Anyone doing anything interesting
in Cheltenham, tomorrow?
1087
00:58:29,960 --> 00:58:32,640
MAN: No.
No, you've decided.
1088
00:58:32,640 --> 00:58:34,800
You've elected a spokesperson,
haven't you?
1089
00:58:34,800 --> 00:58:36,640
LAUGHTER
1090
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:39,800
Anyone like to prove him wrong?
1091
00:58:41,960 --> 00:58:43,960
LAUGHTER
1092
00:58:43,960 --> 00:58:44,960
What's that?
1093
00:58:44,960 --> 00:58:46,960
MAN: Looking up
"Lost medieval children."
1094
00:58:46,960 --> 00:58:47,960
LAUGHTER
1095
00:58:47,960 --> 00:58:49,960
Looking for lost
medieval children...
1096
00:58:52,960 --> 00:58:54,960
Thanks, but, you know.
1097
00:58:55,960 --> 00:58:58,960
Is there any subject you'd like me
to talk about before I go?
1098
00:58:58,960 --> 00:59:00,960
MAN: Nursing.
What was that?
1099
00:59:00,960 --> 00:59:02,640
Nursing!
1100
00:59:03,640 --> 00:59:04,960
Nursing?
Yes.
1101
00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:09,960
LAUGHTER
1102
00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:11,480
I was talking to a nurse
the other day.
1103
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:15,960
She said, "The main problem, now,
facing the NHS...
1104
00:59:15,960 --> 00:59:17,960
"is Holby City."
1105
00:59:17,960 --> 00:59:18,960
LAUGHTER
1106
00:59:18,960 --> 00:59:21,320
Actually, she might
have said, "Obesity."
1107
00:59:21,320 --> 00:59:24,800
LAUGHTER
1108
00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:28,000
APPLAUSE
1109
00:59:30,960 --> 00:59:32,960
My mum was a nurse,
my dad was a doctor.
1110
00:59:32,960 --> 00:59:34,960
They had six children,
we all left home early.
1111
00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:35,960
Well, they needed the beds.
1112
00:59:35,960 --> 00:59:39,960
LAUGHTER
1113
00:59:40,960 --> 00:59:44,960
I remember the birthday
I asked for that game, Operation.
1114
00:59:44,960 --> 00:59:46,160
Three years, I waited.
1115
00:59:46,160 --> 00:59:48,960
LAUGHTER
1116
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:51,960
APPLAUSE
1117
00:59:53,960 --> 00:59:56,960
I think the most peaceful
Christmas I remember,
1118
00:59:56,960 --> 00:59:59,960
was when my mother mistakenly
covered the cake with temazepam.
1119
00:59:59,960 --> 01:00:02,960
LAUGHTER
1120
01:00:12,800 --> 01:00:14,960
My grandfather,
he's staying with us at the moment.
1121
01:00:14,960 --> 01:00:15,960
He's got a black eye.
1122
01:00:15,960 --> 01:00:18,960
I knew his room was too small
for a cuckoo clock.
1123
01:00:18,960 --> 01:00:21,320
LAUGHTER
1124
01:00:23,960 --> 01:00:25,960
DELAYED LAUGH
1125
01:00:25,960 --> 01:00:27,480
Well done.
1126
01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:28,640
DELAYED LAUGH
1127
01:00:28,640 --> 01:00:31,800
HE CHUCKLES
1128
01:00:31,800 --> 01:00:32,960
MAN: Sorry!
That's all right.
1129
01:00:32,960 --> 01:00:34,960
LAUGHTER
1130
01:00:34,960 --> 01:00:36,160
It's really fine.
1131
01:00:36,160 --> 01:00:37,960
LAUGHTER
1132
01:00:39,640 --> 01:00:40,960
My other grandfather...
1133
01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:44,960
..broke his leg by
standing on a doormat.
1134
01:00:44,960 --> 01:00:46,000
Probably should've
explained to him
1135
01:00:46,000 --> 01:00:47,960
the concept of a helter-skelter.
1136
01:00:47,960 --> 01:00:51,960
LAUGHTER
1137
01:00:56,960 --> 01:00:58,000
My other grandfather...
1138
01:00:58,000 --> 01:01:01,480
LAUGHTER
1139
01:01:01,480 --> 01:01:03,960
..he was a bank robber.
1140
01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:06,480
Trouble is, the rest of the family
were all police marksmen.
1141
01:01:07,800 --> 01:01:09,960
He died quite recently...
1142
01:01:09,960 --> 01:01:11,640
surrounded by his family.
1143
01:01:11,640 --> 01:01:14,640
LAUGHTER
1144
01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:18,960
My other grandfather...
1145
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:20,960
LAUGHTER
1146
01:01:20,960 --> 01:01:23,960
..recently had to have
a camera inserted, internally.
1147
01:01:23,960 --> 01:01:25,960
But he was annoying
the wedding photographer.
1148
01:01:25,960 --> 01:01:30,960
LAUGHTER
1149
01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:38,160
My grandmother...
1150
01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:42,960
LAUGHTER
1151
01:01:42,960 --> 01:01:44,960
..she's been talking
about downsizing,
1152
01:01:44,960 --> 01:01:46,960
and now, she's in a little urn.
1153
01:01:46,960 --> 01:01:48,960
LAUGHTER
1154
01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:56,800
I was in a nativity play, once.
1155
01:01:56,800 --> 01:01:58,640
I was the man
who scares the children,
1156
01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:00,960
cos he comes into the hall
on the wrong day, to play badminton.
1157
01:02:00,960 --> 01:02:05,960
LAUGHTER
1158
01:02:12,960 --> 01:02:15,960
I went home for Christmas last year,
couldn't get in the door...
1159
01:02:15,960 --> 01:02:16,960
too many grandads.
1160
01:02:16,960 --> 01:02:19,320
LAUGHTER
1161
01:02:21,960 --> 01:02:24,160
Well, thanks for coming out
tonight, Cheltenham.
1162
01:02:24,160 --> 01:02:26,960
You've been very nice,
very nice, indeed.
1163
01:02:26,960 --> 01:02:29,160
LIGHT LAUGHTER
1164
01:02:29,160 --> 01:02:30,960
MAN: You're in Chelmsford.
1165
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:32,960
LAUGHTER
1166
01:02:32,960 --> 01:02:33,960
I'm in Cheltenham.
1167
01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:35,960
LAUGHTER
1168
01:02:35,960 --> 01:02:37,960
Are you actually from Chelmsford?
1169
01:02:39,960 --> 01:02:42,960
LAUGHTER
1170
01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:44,320
Where do you live?
1171
01:02:44,320 --> 01:02:46,960
LAUGHTER
1172
01:02:47,960 --> 01:02:49,960
I'll rephrase it, why do you live?
1173
01:02:49,960 --> 01:02:51,960
LAUGHTER
1174
01:02:51,960 --> 01:02:55,960
LIGHT APPLAUSE
1175
01:02:55,960 --> 01:02:59,640
I'll leave you tonight...
before he gets to the stage.
1176
01:02:59,640 --> 01:03:02,960
LAUGHTER
1177
01:03:02,960 --> 01:03:05,960
I'll leave you tonight with this.
Horse whisperers,
1178
01:03:05,960 --> 01:03:07,960
what they do is they go
up to horses, and they go...
1179
01:03:07,960 --> 01:03:09,960
WHISPERING
1180
01:03:09,960 --> 01:03:11,960
And the horses go,
"OK, fair enough."
1181
01:03:11,960 --> 01:03:13,000
LIGHT LAUGHTER
1182
01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:16,320
Beware Chinese horse whisperers.
1183
01:03:16,320 --> 01:03:17,960
They go up to horses, and they go...
1184
01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:19,960
WHISPERING
1185
01:03:19,960 --> 01:03:21,960
That horse tells another horse.
1186
01:03:21,960 --> 01:03:24,320
LAUGHTER
1187
01:03:24,320 --> 01:03:27,320
That horse tells another horse!
1188
01:03:27,320 --> 01:03:30,960
By the end,
the last horse is going...
1189
01:03:30,960 --> 01:03:33,160
LIGHT LAUGHTER
1190
01:03:35,800 --> 01:03:36,960
BLOWS LIPS
1191
01:03:36,960 --> 01:03:37,960
LAUGHTER
1192
01:03:37,960 --> 01:03:39,480
APPLAUSE
1193
01:03:39,480 --> 01:03:41,960
That's all from me.
Thank you for coming!
1194
01:03:42,960 --> 01:03:46,160
SMOOTH SPY MUSIC PLAYS
1195
01:03:46,160 --> 01:03:48,960
APPLAUSE CONTINUES
1196
01:04:16,960 --> 01:04:19,960
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