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I wanted to dress up for y'all.

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Wanted to dress nice
for you guys,

so I wore Doc Martens.

Yeah, we got any Doc Martens
in the audience?

Okay. Like, four bisexuals.

Very cool.

Very cool. Here's a fun fact
about your Doc Martens

if you don't know, y'all.

If you take off your Doc Marten

and you hold it to your ear
like a seashell,

you can just hear the sound
of a woman going,

"I only smoke cigarettes
when I'm drunk."

It is crazy.

And if you're thirsty,
shake it really hard.

"Well, that's half a PBR
that just fell out."

- * Two, three, four *

Tamar Rubin!

Drunken unicorn!
I want to hear you freaking scream!

This is so sick, y'all.

I love doing standup comedy
so much.

It's my favorite thing ever.
I think...

The question I get asked most
about doing standup comedy is,

"What is it like
to do it as a woman?"

Right?

You guys are very cool,
so I actually wanted to share with y'all

an incident that happened
to me recently

that actually made me consider
quitting standup comedy.

Not because
of the art form itself,

but just because of what
a male-dominated field it is.

And what happened was,

I got my hair cut
and nobody noticed.

And, you know,
before you're like,

"Oh, that seems
a little dramatic,"

I didn't just get a trim,
I had bangs, okay?

My entire face
was different.

No one complimented me, right?

The closest thing I got
to a compliment was two weeks later,

some dude was like,
"Hey, did you get taller?

"Shout out." "What?"

"No, no, I didn't get taller."

I spent $150
on this stupid haircut.

But then, to make things worse,

like, that weekend,
this headliner from out of town,

he came to Atlanta,

and he took me
on the road with him.

And while we were
in the car together,

this guy unbuttoned his pants...

Oh.

...took out his dick,

and started masturbating
in front of me.

I was like, "Oh, my God,
what are you doing?"

He was like, "I'm so sorry.
I can't help myself.

"It's just
your new haircut. It's..."

"I was like, "Wait, what?"

"Okay, okay. Like...

"What do you like
about it?"

He was like,
"I just love curly hair,

"and it frames
your face so nicely."

I can understand what he said.

Because yeah, he ejaculated.
But guys...

Fellas, come on, give it up
for the one male ally

I had that week. All right?

#notallmen.

Don't worry.

I embellished that joke
a tiny bit, okay? -

He was not a headliner.

Just some guy, really.

Something else about me,
besides being sick as hell, uh...

I'm Jewish.
We got any Jews in the audience?

I think...
That sounded like a lot,

but I really think
it was just three

very loud Jews.

Very cool. Hell yeah.

It's fun being Jewish
in the South.

It really is.

No, it is. Okay?

It's interesting.
It's interesting. I'll give you that.

Like, I did a show one time
in Acworth, Georgia, and...

And no one ever really claps
for Acworth.

If you're not familiar
with Acworth,

Acworth is actually
a Latin word for a bad place,

but...

When I was there,
I talked a lot about being Jewish,

and then afterwards,
this woman came up to me, and she went,

"Oh, my God,
are you from Fort Lauderdale?"

I was like, "No."

She goes, "I was just there.

"All the Jews
are in Fort Lauderdale."

I was like, "Oh, my gosh.

"No one tells this lady
about Israel."

I think...

The concept itself,
she would explode.

It's okay, though.
It doesn't offend me, right?

It really doesn't.
Because growing up, I was like,

one of three Jewish kids
in my entire school,

much like this moment
right now, and... -

Growing up, all the other kids
used to tell me

that I killed Jesus.

Which is crazy, right?

I was always like,
"Yo, why can't you just regular bully me?

"Like, I'm fat
and wearing Crocs right now.

"There's really no need
to get creative."

But they would tell me that,
constantly, all the time.

So much so that I honestly
kind of started to believe it.

I know. That could stress out
a kid, right?

You know, thinking
that maybe they have...

murdered somebody.

I'm gonna be honest with y'all,

it gave me
unparalleled confidence, like...

I am not exaggerating.

The day after someone
told me that,

this group of girls
wouldn't let me sit with them at lunch,

and I was like,
"I'd be very careful, Britney.

"Or this about to be
your last supper! Ha!"

Later that day,
my mom stubbed her toe,

she's like, "Jesus Crist."

I was like, "What?
He back for round two? Come on!

"I'll make him rise again!
Eat the body, eat the blood."

I didn't know the terms,
you know.

Just kind of throwing stuff
at the wall.

I do love living in the South,
though, I do.

I love the South.

I'm really happy
to be back here.

I was out of town recently.

I went to a bachelorette party

in Rosemary Beach, Florida.

Yeah. Wow.
Rosemary Beach, you know,

it's a nice place.

It's not really
where you'd want to have a bachelorette party, right?

Like, Rosemary Beach,

it's not really like,
"Whoo! Let's party!" vibes.

It's more like,
"Grandma always wanted to go to the Amalfi Coast,

"but her doctor says
she should not be flying right now"

vibes, you know?

You know what I mean?

Like, even my Uber driver
roasted me for being there.

He picked me up
from the airport, he was like,

"So, what brings you to town?"
I was like,

"Oh, it's my best friend's
bachelorette party."

He goes,

"How old's
the bride? Eighty?"

I was like, "Okay, dude,
that's kind of rude."

He goes, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"By the way,
I love that haircut."

Told you it wasn't a headliner.

I am super happy
for my friend, though, getting married.

I am. They're, like,
super in love, super cool.

Also, the guy she's marrying
is super rich.

-Yeah.
-Yes.

Yeah, that rocks.

Love that for her.

I personally...
Like, I've never really cared

about marrying someone rich,
or really focused

on being with someone
who had money.

Um, because I personally
have never been attracted to anybody

that had more than $37
in their bank account.

And I think
that's a bad thing, right?

People tell me it's a bad thing.

Cardi B says it's a bad thing.

Like, I mean, come on,
Cardi B has a song

where she literally goes,

"Broke boys don't deserve
no pussy."

"I know that's right!"

But I don't, okay?

I'm actually not sure
if that's right, Cardi.

Y'all, I absolutely think
we should be giving broke men pussy.

Okay? Bear with me
on this, all right?

I absolutely think
we should be giving broke guys pussy.

Why? You give
a broke man pussy, that's a tax write-off, okay?

Easy peasy. Lemon squeezy.

Throw away
those Goodwill receipts.

No one cares, all right?

Also, it is true, though.

Broke men
are way more romantic

than guys with money.
They really are.

Like, a broke guy,

he's gonna box-wine
and dine you, you know?

He's gonna go ahead,
he's gonna bring you the breakfast in bed.

And, yeah, he doesn't own
a dining room table.

Shut up.
That's besides the point.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding,
obviously, all right?

Broke guys have
dining room tables.

That's just where they hold
all of their mail.

They're not gonna open it.
It's bills, all right?

Also, I like dating broke men

because I like poems.

Do we not know
about this life hack, y'all?

Broke men
love writing you poems.

My boyfriend writes me a poem

every single time rent is due.

It is...

You think Elon Musk knows
what a haiku is? Absolutely not.

It's cool, though, too,
because then, like,

when they do get you
a real gift,

literally, that one time,
it's like...

It's like, seriously
so much more special.

Like, my boyfriend,
he got me this necklace,

and anytime I touch it
or I look at it,

I just think
about his cute little smile.

Because he chose to buy this
instead of getting Invisalign, and...

It was his last $200, right?

What are you gonna do?

Also, I've researched this,
okay? I stand by this.

Broke men eat the best pussy.

And they eat the most pussy
because they are starving.

Oh, my...

Y'all, we need
to feed these men, okay?

They cannot get enough
of that stuff.

A broke guy, he would flavor
his instant ramen

with a packet of pussy
if he could.

Fine. You know, fine.
Whatever, right?

Say what you want
about broke dudes.

A broke guy,
he's not afraid to get you wet

because he already owns
no slip shoes.

His favorite position isn't 69,

it's Section 8.

No, I have...
In all seriousness, though,

I have dated
a lot of broke guys.

It's good, though.
It's good for character.

I've had, like,
a lot of new experiences

that maybe I wouldn't have had.

No, really. Like, for instance,

I recently hurt my knee
really bad in a mosh pit.

Which is the oldest
and youngest sentence I'll ever say in my life.

Do we know what a mosh pit is?

-Yeah.
- Yeah?

Okay. A lot of you seem
like you've dated someone with bleached hair. Very cool.

Okay, for those of you
that don't know,

a mosh pit is like...

So when you go to a concert,

the band will be playing,

and then there'll be
this big group of people in the front.

It's usually men.

And it's like this little sweaty
boy soup, you know?

And during the band playing,
these men, they are...

They are hitting each other,

they are ramming
into each other,

they are pushing each other
as hard as they can,

'cause a man would rather catch
an elbow in the face

than be caught
sincerely dancing, okay?

A man would rather have
to go to the doctor

than have anyone
see him move his hips.

That is...

But I'm used to, like...

I'm used to friendly mosh pits.

You know, the mosh pits
I've been in,

someone will drop their keys,

and then someone else
will pick them up,

and they'll be like,
"Keys, keys!"

so that person
can find them, right?

But in this mosh pit,
I watched someone drop their keys,

then I watched someone else
pick them up,

make eye contact
with that person,

and swallow them whole
like a snake.

And in that moment,
I was like, "I am not safe here."

So I had to go
to physical therapy for my knee,

which is so embarrassing,

because literally everyone
in there was an athlete but me.

Like, me and this guy,
we were standing next to each other.

we were doing
the same exercises.

He was like, "Oh, soccer?"

I had to be like, "No, hardcore
Billy Eilish Cover, actually."

I don't get any of the terms
that the therapist uses.

There's this patch of grass,

sometimes people will do
their stretches on,

and my therapist, she was like,
"All right, Tamar, come on.

"Gonna go do
your warmups on the turf."

I was like,
"You want me to squat on J.K. Rowling? What?"

I take a lot of workout classes,

and I've noticed a trend

in the workout classes
that are offered to you, right?

You go to sign up for a class,
they'll give you a calendar.

It'll be like,
"Grow-your-glute Monday."

Okay.

"Big-butt Tuesday."

"Get-a-fat-ass Wednesday."

"Where's-your-big-dump-truck,
you-ugly-bitch Thursday."

Arms...

"To-lift-that-new-big
fat-ass Friday." Like...

Okay. All right.
I get it, okay? I get it.

You want me to have a fat ass.

Listen, listen,
I love fat asses, okay?

I do. I want one.
They look great.

I think we have taken it
a little too far.

I do. I took
a Pilates class last week.

It was me
and 10 centaurs. Y'all... -

We are encouraging
unbalanced women.

You go to the gym
any day of the week,

you'll see a woman,
she is lifting 400 pounds with her legs

like it's nothing.

Then she goes
to pick up her phone,

she's trembling,
she can't do it. It is...

It's not good. It's not healthy.

I think men are so obsessed
with women not working out their arms

because they don't want us
to be able to defend ourselves.

If a woman...
Nowadays, if a woman is walking home

alone at night,
and she gets attacked,

she just has to bucket
her assailant like a horse.

That's a rape whistle.

It's hard as a woman,
you know, it is.

The standards,
they change so much, it's impossible to keep up.

Like Kim Kardashian,

that used to be
a fat ass, right?

She used to have a fat ass.

Her ass, it's not even
really considered fat anymore.

Like, I was in the gym,

I saw a woman squatting
and looking at pictures

of the mom
from Dexter's Laboratory.

Like...

Talk about an "Unrealistic
body expectation."

She is a cartoon!

I try to take care
of myself, though.

I do. I do.

I think a lot of why
I try to take care of myself now

is because I was really ugly,
growing up.

Okay, good.
You're all shocked by that. That's good.

I'm careful when I say that,
though, on stage,

'cause whenever
I say it on stage,

someone will always
come up to me after a show,

and they'll always be like,
"You weren't ugly as a kid."

And then I'll show them
a picture of me as a kid,

and they'll be like,
"Well, that's just a bad picture."

And then I'll show them
another picture of me as a kid,

and they'll be like...

"So are you
from Georgia originally, or..."

"Did you move here?"

I knew I was ugly
In high school, I realized it.

I knew I was ugly
in high school,

because I was friends
with all of my teachers.

And that right there,

great way to figure out

whether or not
you're ugly. Like... -

I was best friends
with my math teacher, Mr. Bart.

Me and this man
would hang out one on one all the time.

He would drive me home
from school.

And no one ever said
a single thing about it...

'cause they took one look at me,
and they were like,

"He's not going to ruin his life
for that ugly kid.

"Are you kidding me?

"Are you kidding me?"

An accusation would be rude.

And for those of you
who did think

you were really hot
in high school,

ask yourself this,

when your teacher was like,
"Hang back a second,

"we got to talk
about your grade,"

did they prop open the door?

Did they prop open the door?

Because if they left
that door shut,

sorry, you were
an ugly Quasimodo just like me, okay?

No one was worried about you.

It's okay. I'm hot now.

Despite being ugly, though,

actually, I was prom queen
in high school.

I was. Yeah.

I went to an arts high school.
That's how that happened.

But I...

I don't normally like
telling people I was prom queen, though,

because they're always
very dramatic about it.

They're always like,
"Oh, my God, why would you say that

"while I'm inside of you?"

I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry.

"I thought we both wanted
to come.

"I guess not. Heard. Heard."

I work in an office now.

Kind of.
I temp in an office now.

I do. Which means
I watch a lot of Love Island.

UK version. Don't worry.

Do y'all know this show?

Oh, my God, this is the...

If you have not seen it,
this is the best show ever, okay?

It follows all of these Brits.

They're all in their early 20s.

They all look like they're in
their late 50s, and...

All they do all day
is just smoke,

and drink,
and hook up with each other.

It's amazing. It's so good.

And it's normally really trashy.

But I was watching it recently,

and this woman on it
said something so incredibly profound

that I have not been able
to get out of my head.

She said,
I want to say it for y'all, she said,

Oh... Sorry.

Sorry. One second.

Give me 10 minutes. She said...

I... I... I... I...

"I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears!"

And I'm sorry, I know y'all weren't expecting me

to be bilingual, but...

"I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears."

Y'all, that has been stuck in my head for days, okay?

It has been haunting me.

I'm waking up
in the middle of the night,

"I quite like it when a bloke's
sucking me ears."

I'm at the grocery store,
"I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears."

For the life of me,
I just can't shake it.

And I was meditating
on it recently.

I finally realized, like, "Oh,

"I don't like that at all."

That's got to be
the worst thing ever, right?

If you're hooking up
with someone,

and then they start
sucking on your ears.

- Yes.
- Right?

And I realized, like,
"Oh, I don't like that

"'cause I wear
my grandma's earrings."

Right?

Which is also why
I do not like it

when people suck
on my nipple piercings, and... -

"Okay, chill.
It's a family heirloom, all right?

"They were my dad's
before they were mine. Okay?

"Relax."

I do have
my nipples pierced. I do.

And I think it's
the worst thing about me.

I got my nipples pierced
on my 21st birthday

in the basement
of an establishment

that is now
a hot chicken restaurant...

...by a man named Mushu.

You know, like the dragon
from Mulan.

The second after I got it done,

I immediately
regretted it, right?

I was crying my eyes out.

All my friends were trying
to make me feel better.

They were like,
"No, don't be sad.

"I bet guys are going to think
that's really hot.

"I bet guys are gonna think
that's really hot."

Yeah, you know who thinks
nipple piercings are really hot?

Fucking snake owners, okay?

Y'all, it is the weirdest
of the weirdos

that are really into
nipple piercings, okay?

If you show someone
your nipple piercings,

they should be like, "Oh, cool."

Anything above that,
and they are going to explain communism to you.

They like metal in their mouth
and Marx on their mind,

trust me.

Honestly, though,
not even snake owners think it's that hot

because you do have to be
18 years old to get them done.

Listen, I'm not here
to kink-shame anyone, all right?

That's not my thing at all.
Not my vibe.

But...

...if you are one of those men

that loves to suck on nipples,

I think that you're a monster,
and you should kill yourself.

That...

Oh, I'm sorry, is that shit
not quite literally for babies?

"Oh, you want
to suck on my nipple?

"Do I need to burp you
and give you a teething toy, too,

"you frigging loser?

"Get a job."

Also, I'm a girls girl,
you know. -

I am. I'm a feminist.
I love Taylor Swift. Like...

But if you are one
f those women that's like,

"Me? I can come
from someone just."

I can come from someone
just playing with my nipple."

I think you should
kill yourself, too. That...

That that cannot be...
Is that real? Really?

Lady, are we really
out here coming

from people touching
our nipples? - WOMAN: Sorry.

No, y'all. My nipples...

My nipples
are not sensitive at all.

They didn't even cry
at the beginning of Up.

I gotta take them out.
I know. I know, I do.

It's just... It's hard.

It feels so representational

of the end of my youth,
you know.

I feel like you take out
a nipple piercing...

And, yes, mine are this big.
I feel like...

I said, "Your biggest
or your brightest, sir." I said...

I feel like you take out
a nipple piercing,

you just immediately
have to pick up keys

to a Subaru, and I'm...

I'm not ready for that, right?

But I looked it up,
and if I ever have kids,

I'll have to take them out.

Well, because it's actually...

It's super dangerous
to breast-feed with a nipple piercing

because you could make
the baby polyamorous, and...

That is fatal.

I actually want to take a second

to talk about something
that's very important to me,

make sure that everyone's
on the same page about it.

Do we all know
that we can carry Narcan now? - WOMAN: Yeah.

Do we know this?
That we can all... Yeah? -

That we can buy it
over the counter.

If y'all aren't familiar,
Narcan, it's this nose spray.

And if someone's having
an overdose,

you administer it to them,

and it stops the OD

with enough time
to get them to a hospital.

So there's been
a big initiative

to push people buying it,

keep it on them
in case of emergencies.

I bought Narcan,

and I think it's made me
a worse person...

...because I have
a really small purse.

I can't always keep it
on me, you know?

So I find myself...

Every time
before I leave the house,

I ask, "Is this place
I'm going cool enough...

"...for me to bring Narcan?"

And it's easy.

It's an easy decision
every time, right?

If I'm going
to a stand-up comedy show...

You guys are crazy.

I am bringing Narcan.

But if I'm going
to an improv comedy show...

...I am bringing fentanyl.
Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ,
someone is going to die, okay? -

Okay, them or me.
You can't OD on a "Yes, and..." Trust me, I've tried.

Speaking of that,
I love cuddling.

I do.

Sorry. That's my vice.

Sue me.

Well, actually, you know,
cuddling is actually a lot like cocaine.

How?

I'd suck dick for it.

Actually, I have been
very into role play recently, I have.

Not like the board games.
The mature sex stuff.

Actually, I got called a slut
in bed last night.

I did. Thank you. Okay.

Couple of you like that.

I can tell some of you,
though, think it's weird

that my mom
still tucks me in, but...

We're close.

I'm pretty bad
at role play, though. I am.

I'm pretty bad at it.

I role play
like the exact same way

I played Pretend as a child.

It's a lot of setup.

A lot of exposition, right?

Do you remember
when you're a kid

and you play Pretend,

and just for two
and a half hours,

you'd be like,
"Okay, we're playing mermaids,

"and my name's Aquamarine
and my dad's King Trident.

"He's king of the ocean,
and my tail is purple,

"and my nail polish
changes color based off of my mood."

Now I'm an adult woman

trying to get freaky
in the bedroom, you know?

But I'm still like, "Okay,
so I'm a sexy French maid...

"...and you're my boss.

"And you just
caught me stealing,

"and you're gonna punish me,

"and my nail polish
changes color based off of my mood."

Because I'm gonna make it fun.

If I'm being honest, though,
if I really think about it,

I think I like role play so much
because I'm a theater kid.

Right? Okay. Someone else who works in a restaurant.

Very cool.

But really, like...

Role play has to be
the most theater-kid-kink you can have.

Like theater kids,
we're so fucking annoying.

We can't even suck a dick
without being, like,

"Mmm, wait,
what's my objective here?"

Zip, zap, zop.

I actually think, though...

I think theater kids
are the worst at role play.

Because we're supposed
to be cum sluts,

we just end up being
method actors, right?

You know, the guy
you're fucking, he comes in,

he's like, "Yeah,
I caught you stealing.

"I'm gonna punish you."

And you're just like...

"But, sir...

"But sir, please, I had to steal

"to send money back
to me daughter Cosette."

* I dreamed a dream of time gone by *

He's like, "Oh, my God,
how are you still hitting that note

"with my dick in your mouth?

"You're the perfect
mezzo-soprano!

"Now seriously, spit on it."

Y'all, I'm such a theater kid,

I'm out here sucking dick
in iambic pentameter!

Anybody else?

"How shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?"

Baa.

Y'all, I'm such a theater kid,
my safe word's "Macbeth."

Because old men do not like
when I say that stuff.

Y'all, I'm such a theater kid,

I named my vibrator
Chekov's Gun.

Because I'm going
to use it, okay?

That is my smartest joke.

Wow, a lot of Chekhov heads
in here tonight. Very cool.

Yeah, you like him so much?
Name seven of his albums.

It's also, though, like...
It's really challenging

being such a talented,

professionally-trained
theater artist in the bedroom

because, like,
I get too into character, you know.

I have
this cheerleading costume,

and my boyfriend thinks
it's super-hot.

But whenever I put it on,
I never want to have sex

because I'm too stressed
about the SAT.

I'm like...

"Babe, get off of me.
I'm making Mesopotamia flashcards!"

Also like, I never know
when to get out of character.

Right? Because
when you're in a play, it's easy, right?

You get out of character
when the play is over,

when that curtain comes down,
but y'all,

when I'm out here
having, whoo, sex,

when I'm out here roleplaying,

I don't get out of character
until I come, so...

There are times, all right?
Couple of times.

Most of the time. It is...

...four, five, six days
post coitus.

I'm in the grocery store,

my boyfriend is like,
"Babe, please,

"we are in public.

"Can you please stop being
Heath Ledger's the Joker ?"

"Don't you dare kink-shame me!"

Yeah. We have a lot
of women in here tonight.

Hell yeah, ladies!

Ladies, are you scared?

Ladies, are...

I'm scared all the time.
Oh, my God.

I do have a question
for you, though, while I have your...

Ladies, are you ever
having sex with a man...

And if you don't do that,

could you imagine a time
in which you would?

Are you ever having sex
with a man,

and you want it to be done?

- You know?
-Yeah.

You want it to be done,
but not enough to be like,

"Stop!

"Please stop!

"She's just a child!

"I beg of you!"

So instead,
you're kind of just like,

"Oh, yeah!"

"Uh, I want you to...

"come for me."

"Oh, yeah, give me
that friggin...

"little cum.

"I'm ready, sir!"

And he's just like, "Yo,

"we haven't even left
this P.F. Chang's yet."

The women are laughing.

The men
do look devastated. Guys!

Fellas, it's just
a little yoke, okay?

We love your friggin...

...little cum.

First thing in the morning,
in a smoothie,

just like a mama used to make.

Thank you guys so much.
I'm Tamar Rubin!

Thank you.