All language subtitles for MV5BODU892ZTcyZT

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Yesterday I got
a mosquito bite under my jumpsuit.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

The ambitiousness
of the bugs here.

That is true Texas history.

Look, I'm pretty sure
one of them

got a piece of labia,
and I just said, "Good work.

"You did what you had to do
to survive."

I like to think of myself
as an underdog.

I am in my family,
because I'm the least favorite child.

Aww.

It's okay.
Somebody's gotta be in third place.

It's not that bad.

Okay? Bronze is still a medal.

I'm not mad. I just know...

I'm at least my mom's
least favorite kid right now.

Yeah, I sunk to the bottom
because I announced I'm not having kids.

That's the kiss of death.

You can't tell a boomer
you're not giving them grandchildren.

That's the whole reason
they had you.

To them, you haven't,
like, fulfilled your end of a contract.

My mom was getting mad at me,

she was like,
"After all I gave you,

"after everything
I sacrificed for you,

"you don't want
to have grandkids."

And I was like, "Exactly.
I want to keep the everything."

"You sacrificed.
Why would I give it to some bitch I don't know?

"Why would I do that?"

Anybody here child-free
by choice? Anybody?

I love that now,

as I'm touring the country,

I'm asking this question.

As I'm touring this country,

as I ask that question,
I hear "Whoos."

I hear yeses.

Because I'm telling you,
when I started comedy almost 10 years ago,

when I said I didn't want kids,
people gasped.

They were disappointed.
They were upset.

They were like,
"But you look like you already have them."

You know, they were just mad...

The commentary was cruel,

you know, but now,

thanks to the beauty
of the pandemic, if you will,

a lot of parents
spend some real time with their children.

And they get it now.

They're like,
"Run, run."

No, seriously,
I don't hate kids, though,

but I just know
I don't want them.

Like, I'm never a jerk about it.

When people with kids
talk to me about their kids, I listen.

But it never fails, they go,
"How many do you have?"

and I say, "None,"

and they go, "Really?"
And I go, "Yeah. I don't want kids."

And they go,
"Does your husband know?"

And I have to go,
"No, I told you first.

"We are on a bus together,
but you felt special!"

Why would I do that?

I don't know. I think
part of the reason, though,

why me and my husband
in particular

gets so much pressure for kids

is because
we're an interracial couple.

And everybody loves a Zendaya.
What can I say?

When they see a Black girl
and a white guy,

they're like, "Yes,
make us more child actors. Yes!"

Honestly, I kind of miss
when interracial dating was more taboo.

Like, we're everywhere now.

I miss feeling
like I was a freedom fighter.

Now it just looks like
we're selling paper towels. I don't like it.

He makes me look uncool.

I love him, though.
I love my man so much.

Like I said,
we're an interracial couple.

He happens to be white.
I'm Black.

I don't really, like,
think about it all the time,

but I do have several jokes

that have made their way
to the Internet

about my interracial dating.

And some of them
have gotten positive reactions.

Others have made me
want to jump.

I had this old, old joke.

It's one of the very first ones
I ever recorded.

And I decided to post it
because I'm like,

"I need to be a part
of the Internet,"

and "I don't want
to do crowd work because this is about me."

Uh, so...

Okay. All right.

I'm a crowd-rest comedian,
okay? -

You are welcome
to shut the fuck up. You are just...

Kick back, relax.

You're in good hands.

But I was like,
"I gotta post clips."

So I posted a super old clip,

one of the first jokes I wrote

about the way most white guys,

not my husband, hits on me.

My husband did not hit on me
the way most white guys hit on me.

My husband was just around

until I noticed him.

He was just around, you know.

And eventually,
I was just like, "Huh, this guy,

"probably won't murder me."
You know what I mean?

- Like, he just...
- a

He grew on me
like a good fungus.

Like, he just...

And I love him so much.

We just balance each other out.
It's great.

But back in the day,
when I was out in the bars and the clubs,

I used to get hit on
by a very specific white man.

I don't see this type of man
out here tonight.

I think I'm safe.

This man, imagine
if Travis Kelce had no money.

All right?

You're visualizing it? Okay.

It's just the kind of dude
who stays up too late,

watching, you know, BET,

and he's like...

"Okay, girl. Say, girl,

"I see this whole cinnamon,
nutmeg, caramel..."

I'm like,
"What are you ordering?"

"Really, I'm just trying to say
I like chocolate."

I'm like,
"I hope you get diabetes.

"Leave me alone."

I posted that part of the joke,

and then I posted
the next punchline,

which is where I say,
"What makes me mad about it

"is I know white women
don't experience the reverse of this."

I know white women
are not out at bars,

and someone's like...
"All right, cottage cheese."

I'm glad you enjoyed that.

I think it's one
of my better bits.

The Internet did it first.

At first, it made its way
to other Black women.

We connected,
we saw each other,

we laughed, it felt good,
I saw community.

But then it made its way
to some white women.

Some of them laughed,

the rest of them,
I do owe an apology to. Let me explain.

When I said, "Cottage cheese,"

I just thought
of a white food, you know.

I didn't realize
the connection to thighs that y'all...

And in my defense,
like, I don't see things through...

I'm a Black woman.
I see things through my lens.

If I was gonna describe
my thighs,

I would be like,
"A Nestle Crunch bar

"that's just been left out
all day."

You know what I mean?

I'm not saying I'm perfect.

But to the white women
of the Internet,

I'm sorry, okay?

Vanilla was right there.
I'm so sorry.

You were right. I owe you one.

But then came the men.

All ages.

But especially your children.

The middle-aged boys
of Reddit hate me.

They found me. They hate me.

They think I'm ugly.
They think I'm fat.

They think I'm annoying.
Okay, those are opinions.

You're allowed to have them.
That's fine.

Have opinions.
They think I'm not funny. Opinions.

What I didn't appreciate
was this comment I kept getting,

"No white man
ever would hit on her."

Now that's egregious, okay?

White men are not
some rare Pokemon that I can't catch.

White men are plentiful.

Dare I say it?
Our most renewable resource.

I love my husband,
but like, I know

I can get another one.
You know what I mean?

Like, I just...
I've never not thought about it.

I'm not saying
I'm the hottest girl on the planet.

I'm not saying I'm picking up
Chris Evans at Nobu.

But am I getting your daddy
at a Long John Silver's? Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Now I have to devastate
your whole family to prove a point. Okay?

I gotta fuck people's dads
just to prove a point.

My relationship
with the Internet is not healthy.

It's not. I will say I love
that the Internet brings us together.

We get more comfortable
talking about

all of the darkness of life,
especially mental illness.

I'm so glad we're in this place
where it's not this big secret.

But it also makes me feel weird,

because I've had
ADHD, depression

and anxiety for over a decade.

Which means I was crazy
before it was cool.

And that bothers me.

Like, everyone kinda wears it
like a badge now.

And I'm not saying,
"Don't do that."

But there is a part of me
that's like, "You weren't in the trenches."

Okay, okay.

I have some grippy socks
that I earned. Okay?

You don't know what it was.

I was talking about this
to a friend one time,

and she told me
to stop saying, "Crazy."

Like, "Don't call
yourself crazy. That's pejorative.

"Don't say crazy."
And I was like, "Uh...

"As a person of crazy, I will."

"As a POC..."

"...it is my birthright, okay?"

But yeah, I'm neuro divergent.

I have ADHD,
depression and anxiety.

The trio, if you will.

I just remember being told

that therapy
was for white people.

Medication was for white people.

And truthfully, I don't think
y'all earned it.

You know what I mean?

Why should white people
be the only ones

who get to be mentally well?

What have you done
to deserve peace?

Nothing.

So I disturb
a white man's peace every day, okay?

But I had a revelation
about him the other day.

Like, I realized
part of the reason

why we are always butting heads

is because I grew up
in a family

where you never got
to ask questions.

You never got to ask why.
You were just told because and to be quiet.

And he grew up
a white man in America,

which means
he has no natural predators.

And that's crazy.

Can you imagine just not having
a real reason to ever be afraid?

Like, we live
in a not-so-nice-part of LA.

At least once a week,
I hear a noise that might be gunshots,

might be fireworks,
and he goes, "Ooh, let's check it out."

What is that instinct?

What is that desire for danger?

I'll never know.

Like I'm all for diversity,
all for diversity

in casting movies,
TV, whatever.

I think anybody
can play anything,

but I think there is one role

that must be occupied
by a white man.

Spider-Man.

Now I know
there's a whole Spider-verse.

There's Miles Morales.
I know. I'm up on this.

But hear me out.

Spider-Man has two major powers,
if you will.

He's got web-slinging.
That's the cool one. Okay?

And then he's got Spidey senses.

Do you know
what Spidey senses are?

Just the ability
to know stuff is wrong.

You know who else has that?

Every woman and minority
on the planet.

Everyone who's not a straight,
cis, white male is like,

"I'm not okay."

Only a white man
would wake up and go,

"This is an ability?

"I feel stuff."

Turning empathy into a power
is just peak white man. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it.

I know I'm a Black woman.

I feel secure in that.

I feel good about that.

But recently I've been in,
like, a racial identity crisis.

Like I know I'm Black,
but a lot of people don't perceive me as that.

I don't know what it is.
It it's the hair, my face, whatever.

But ever since I moved to LA,

it's not enough.

Like someone would ask me,
"What are you?"

And I'm like, "Black."
And they're like, "No, No, no, no.

"What else?" you know.

I was getting my hair done
for a commercial I was in.

And the hairstylist...
She was British, by the way.

I'm not just making her British
to be mean.

I wasn't just like,
"She was so white,

"She's full of crumpets."

But listen...

"Go back over there
where you came from."

That's not what it is.
But seriously, she was doing my hair,

and she goes...
"Oh, your hair

"is such an interesting texture.

"What's your mix?"

Like I'm a Saint Bernard. Like, what the hell?

"What your mix?"

And I was like, "Black."
And she's like, "No.

"Surely it's something
more interesting than that."

I was like, "I think
being African American is pretty interesting,

"but I mean, if you must know,
I'm Black, I'm from Texas.

"My parents are from Louisiana.
I'm basically Beyonce, but broke.

"Does that help? Like..."

"No, no, no, no. Okay.

"Okay, so your mother is..."
And I was like, "Black,"

and she goes,
"And your father was not around?"

And I was like, "Uh-uh."

"Uh-uh. You beans-
and-toast-ass bitch.

"No, you did not just assume
I don't have a father.

"For your information,

"my Black mother
has been married

"to my Black father
for almost 40 years.

"Thank you very much."

Thank you. Claps for Black love.

And my Black father has been
an amazing role model

and an an excellent father
to three of his five kids.

Thank you very much.

I couldn't help myself.
It just came out.

And she felt...
You could tell she felt so smug.

"Mmm. That makes sense."

I was so mad. I was so mad.

She was right in the moment.

It is true. I, uh... I, um...

I am three out of five.

My father has children
from before he met my mom.

You know, I don't like
the word half-siblings.

I think it sounds really mean.

So I just call them the B team,
you know what I mean?

It is weird, though.
My half-sister,

I always knew about her.

She's 20 years older,
so I didn't really have a super close relationship,

but I've always known about her.

My half-brother,
I kind of just found out about.

Isn't that fun?

Getting a new character
in the 30th season?

What is that?

But he is super cool.
He's a great person. Like, we connected.

He lives in San Francisco.
I live in LA.

So whenever
I'm in the Bay, I see him.

And I'm just learning
about his kids,

and what a great father he is

and the great relationship
he has with them.

I found out he has two sons
that are the same age as me,

that also grew up
in the Dallas area.

Isn't that great?

Isn't it crazy
that he didn't know about them

when I was on Tinder?

You know what I mean?
Like I just... -

There was...
Listen, don't worry, okay?

I'm gonna go ahead,
and spoiler,

I did not fuck
my nephews, but... -

...there was a half a second
when he was telling me about them,

I was like,
"You got pictures?"

Just sayin'.
My dad has two children,

adult children,
that are the same age

that have different mothers,
all right?

He was sticking
and moving in the '70s.

And obviously, it's genetic.

You know what I mean?
So was like, "Let me find out!"

Sticking and moving,
sticking and moving.

That's just a fun way
to say, "Fucking."

Uh...

I love my dad.
I love my dad.

He is a... He's a character.

He's an old Black man
from the South.

He overdresses all the time.

Like, he will mow the lawn
in a three-piece suit.

He's so serious.

He's so serious.
And he has a handlebar mustache.

And every day, he wakes up
and puts a little bit of Murray's Pomade.

Only the Black people
will understand how funny that is.

He puts a little bit of pomade
in both ends of his mustache.

Curls them upward
like the Monopoly man.

Looks in the mirror and says,
"That's a man right there."

And then goes on
about his business.

He is the tallest
5'7" person you'll ever meet.

He's just all energy.

I love it. I love it. I love it.

But growing up
with older parents was a little weird

because a lot of my friends
wouldn't get quite, like, my references

to music and things.

We didn't say the N-word
in my house.

My parents witnessed
the civil rights movement.

My dad was one
of the first children to integrate his classroom.

Okay? The N-word
wasn't just some fun word

that was cool to say.
We didn't say that at my house.

There was one time, though,
that I'll never forget.

My mother got very upset

when me and my little sister
were roughhousing,

because my little sister
unplugged the TV,

and she got
just a little bit electrocuted.

I don't know how to explain it.

But for just a second,

she was like,
"I'm watching Arthur!

"I don't care what you say!"
And then... ...down.

You know what I mean?

And there's a moment
that goes through your head

when suddenly,
the room smells like fajitas

and your sister's not moving.

And I think,
had I grown up with more accepting, loving parents,

I would be like,
"Mom, I'm scared. I need help."

But my first thought was,
"I'm gonna get a whooping."

"Maybe I can just roll
her body in the carpet."

Like, I was trying
to figure out what to do.

And finally,
I yelled for my mom,

not knowing
that what had happened was...

Is my father woke up
that morning,

grabbed his mustache,
twirled it, twirled it,

and said,
"That's an electrician right there."

And had redone...

...all the wiring in the house,
and had done it incorrectly.

Yeah, that's why
it was nachos al Victoria in the house, okay?

I didn't know that.

So my mom I was so mad

because she wanted him
to hire a real repairman.

But he decided to be cheap,

and my mom ran up the stairs,

and then, in a moment
of just pure "Tyler Perry presents chaos,"

stopped in the middle
of stairs and said, "Oh, Lord,

"this nigga
done electrocuted my baby!"

If you're gonna say it...

...that's the way.

I love a good performance.
I love theatrics.

Very theatrical mom.
I love her to death.

She's, uh...
Her new thing right now

is negotiating with me
on the terms of the no grandchildren.

Today she called me
and she's like, "I've got an idea.

"Okay, what if there's a way
for you to give me a grandchild

"and maintain
your independence?"

And I was like,
"What do you mean?" She goes,

"I present to you..."

And I was like,
"Are we on Shark Tank?"

"I present to you,
having a baby and giving it to me."

I'm like, "Mama,
I can't just give you a baby."

She's like,
"You can't just give me... It's no big deal.

"Just give me a baby."

I'm like, "Okay,
a couple thoughts.

"First of all, you're old."

"Not too old to be a grandma.
Perfect grandma age.

"Not a good mom age.

How do I explain to, like, my

like, brother-son...

Where I'm like, "Oh, man,
it sucks

"that your parents died
when you were 20.

"Dude, that sucks.

"I don't know why
you look like my husband."

And then I just leave?
Like, what do you want me to do?

What do you want me
to do? Also,

I'm not going
to give you a child

because you raised me.

I'm your report card
and you don't pass.

I'm sorry.

I know what you guys
are thinking. "But she looks so put together.

"This jacket is fabulous."
It is, right?

I'm on a lot
of Wellbutrin, okay?

I'm on a very high cocktail

that tells me,
as long as there's not

a single wrinkle in sight,

no one will have a heart attack
in the crowd.

You know what I mean?

Is that a normal
course of thought?

No, but that's what
my brain says.

My brain has been
a dangerous place for a long time.

It really has. When I was 16,
I was actually hospitalized.

I had a psychotic break.

Um, at the time,

we thought I was,
like, possessed.

Like, I, for real, got baptized,

to, like, pray away
all of the stressors,

and it just didn't go away.

So they did
what they had to do.

They put me
in a mental hospital,

and I know
when I tell people this, they get sad.

You know,
it's a very dark thing to say,

but I got the help I needed.

Also, I was in a mental hospital
in North Texas.

It was kind of hilarious.

Let me let me explain.

Let me let me explain.
I love being a Texan.

I'm a Texan till I die, okay?

I am a...
I am like, half-armadillo, okay?

I love being from Texas.

But we're kind of
ridiculous, okay?

Like, I was taught Black history
from a white football coach...

...who would have gone pro
if he didn't tear his ACL.

You know, it was just...

Like, my version
of Black history in that school

was Martin Luther King,
great man.

We don't know how he died.

Rosa Parks, good at sitting.

"But the single
most important moment of the civil rights movement

"is Remember the Titans.
Get your pencils out." Okay?

I thought Denzel was supposed
to be on the money.

I was like, "He did it for us."

He saved Ryan Gosling.

Okay? You guys,
I feel like I'm in the room with enough Texans

who can admit
our education is subpar, okay?

I don't know about y'all,
but in Arlington,

we would do
about 12 years of Texas history.

Just everything
you ever didn't think

you needed to know about Texas.

So much so,
it starts to all bleed together.

Like, I forgot
we lost The Alamo.

I was like,
"Then why am I supposed to remember this?"

Also, sidebar, sidebar.

I found this out
when I was researching because I literally looked...

At, like, four o'clock
in the morning, I was, like, "Did we win The Alamo?"

Did you know our secret weapon
was supposed to be Davy Crockett?

Who was, like, 69

in the 1800s.

I might be off on the age,
but I can tell you this.

He was over 50 in the 1800s,

which is like 100 today.

Why would you think
that's your secret weapon?

Like, can you imagine
if the Lakers were like,

"And our secret weapon,
current Charles Barkley!"

Like, why would they do that?

So there's a lot of things
I didn't learn.

A lot of things I need to, like,
repack and learn.

But where we lack
in knowledge,

we just kind of fill in
with religion sometimes,

which can be very interesting.

I was in a... Like I said,
I was in a mental hospital

that was supposed to be
a facility

for teens to get better.

And so there was
a mixture of kids

who were depressed,
or anxious, or bipolar,

dealing with different issues,

and then kids who were just
a little bit mouthy.

Like, I was just...

There were just certain parents

who would just stick
their kid in there

if they didn't like
the way they talked to 'em.

So we'd sit in a circle
and we'd talk about

what we were gonna do
when we got out.

And there'd be kids
who were cutters

who'd be like,
"Finish the job."

And then there'd be kids
who were just a little slutty.

They'd be like,
"Finish the hand job."

It was crazy, okay?

We didn't need to all
be in there together.

It was a crazy time.

I don't really think
I learned anything,

except, like...

I don't know
how to cry quietly, right?

And how to slide
in grippy socks.

It really is very fun,
okay?

Every time I go
to Pilates, I'm like, "Back in the saddle."

It was a crazy experience
being there, though,

and I've been opening up
about it

because I used to be
so ashamed.

I was like,
"That's the worst thing about me.

"That's the most terrible thing.

"Oh, my gosh,
you had to be hospitalized?"

But then I think about it,
I'm like, "My parents had money

"to put me in a hospital?"

I was thinking
about it all, though,

and one thing I remember,

is I had this friend there.

Like, I made friends
with someone else there,

and she was so funny
and so smart,

and she made up a song
about being in there.

It was like...♪ We're all insane
here at Millwood

♪ We might be crazy,
but we feel good

♪ Here at Millwood

♪ Yeah, here in Millwood ♪

That was the song.

We would sing it every day
while looking out the window

at the Dairy Queen,
thinking about what we were gonna eat.

That was what we'd do.

And I've been thinking
about this, because I'm like,

"I wanna put this story
in a special."

I think it's interesting,

and I think people need to feel
a little less alone

if they've been through
these things,

and know
that they're not alone.

They're not broken,
they're not unlovable,

and someone's out there.

And I was like,
"If I include this song,

"I have to give
the girl credit."

So I was like,
"Let me just see if I can find her."

You know you can't call
your mental hospital?

You can't just call
a mental hospital

and like, ask for the names

and addresses
of minors that were there.

They don't let you do that.

You can't be like,
"Black girl-comma-nice."

Nobody does that.

Can't do that.

And if you start singing,
they offer to pick you up.

Don't do it.

I am still determined, though.

I am just, like,
still determined

that eventually,
I'll get her credit for this.

I was telling my husband,
I was like, "How do I find her?"

He was like, "Babe,
didn't you say you were on

"a lot of drugs
when you were in there?" I was like, "Yeah."

He was like, "I mean,
are you sure she was real?"

No.

Thanks for being
so logical, okay?

Oh, now you wanna think
things through?

Okay, now you've got
some fears.

Yeah, maybe I Fight Club-ed
the whole bitch.

Maybe I did that!

I just made up
my own little Tyler Durden.

Maybe. Okay?

But maybe she's out there,

and if I do this special,
and I keep singing the song,

eventually, a figure
in the crowd

will just stand up,

and I'll see her.

And we'll see each other,

and we'll start...♪ We're all insane
here at Millwood

♪ We might be... ♪

It'll be like The Color Purple.
We'll do a little hand clap.

♪ But we feel good

♪ Here at Milwood

♪ Yeah
Here at Milwood ♪

Every day I fight
for my Color Purple moment.

It's not happened.

Maybe she'll just sue me.
I don't know. -

I miss it here. You know,
everyone's nicer.

I'm hotter here.
There's that.

It is illegal to be over 30
in LA, though.

You can't mention it.

If you say your age,
people just, like,

jump out
and throw you in a van.

They're like, "Stop talking."

"Stop. Did you
just call yourself 35?"

"You're supposed to say
you have an age range of 25-35."

Like, it's such a betrayal

of the social order
to embrace your age.

I was at the grocery store,
and a clerk was trying to get my attention,

and he said, "Ma'am,"
and I think he isn't supposed to.

So I looked up at him,
and he goes... "Oh, I'm so sorry.

"Young ma'am. Young ma'am.
You're a very young ma'am."

"You're super-baby-ma'am."

And I was like, "Oh, no."

"You don't have to do that.
You don't.

"You don't have to do that."

And I was like, "It's okay.
You can call me ma'am. It's fine."

But then I thought about it,
and I was like,

I kinda like "Young ma'am."

Like, it sounds like
a good rap name, right?

♪ Young Ma'am on the track

♪ I got pain in my back ♪

There's something to it.

♪ You know
I used to hit the Dougie

♪ Now fall asleep at 8:00
in my Snuggie♪

There's something...

I'm just saying,
should I be a 35-year-old rapper?

Maybe.

I have all the time
in the world.

I'm not having kids.
What am I gonna do?

We're back
to the no-kids thing.

We're actually
getting my husband a vasectomy very soon.

I'm excited about this.

Thank you.
I am gonna make it an affair.

I'm gonna make it
so special for him.

He's gonna feel so loved
and celebrate...

I'm gonna throw him
a no-baby shower.

I'm so excited.

And then there's gonna be
a very special gift.

I've decided on it.

Butt stuff, okay?

Now I know, logistically,
we could've already been doing butt stuff,

but let me...

You know what I mean?
I'm from North Texas.

I was saving something.

Okay?

I was saving it
for when he was gonna be ready to leave me.

I knew one day he was gonna look
at our credit card statements

and just be like,
"I've had enough of your shit."

"I've had enough.
You spend too much money.

"You make fun of me too much.

"I've had enough of you."
And I was just gonna be like,

But wait! You know what I mean?
Just like...

♪ Turn around

♪ Bright eyes ♪

That's why I wore
the weird underwear, yes.

I've gotten
into Pilates recently.

Anybody?

Yeah, it's fun.

I thought it was just
a rich lady hobby,

but I was like,
"I kinda love this.

"It's super fun."

I spent years thinking
that I shouldn't be exercising

because the whole point
of exercising is to lose weight.

And I don't care
about the patriarchal standards of losing weight.

I don't give
a damn anymore, but...

Thank you.

But but then I realized
exercise makes you feel good.

And when you feel good,
you live longer.

And when you live longer,
you outlive your enemies,

and that...

That is a motive.
But you know what I mean?

I got to find
those Reddit bitches

and plank on their graves.
I gotta do it. -

I do it.

I gotta do it
for all of us. I do.

I do. I'm trying
to diet a little bit.

Not like real diet.

I just try to eat healthier
and make a better decisions.

God, isn't it annoying?

Like, after a certain age,

all you think about
is when you're gonna poop again.

I don't know when that starts.

Just one day, you are
a productive member of society,

and the next thing, you're like,
"Do I have my dairy pills?"

Every day it's a little bit
of something.

I guess that's just part
of being diet-old.

Just a part of it.

If you're a millennial,
I hate to break it to you,

you are diet-old, okay?

Not full old.

Not old-classic, okay?

But you're not a young person,
and that's okay.

I'm so tired of people my age
who can't embrace their age.

The ones who get super mad
when gen Z makes...

Why wouldn't
they make fun of us?

Okay? We're annoying.

We have, like, Hogwarts Houses.
We're irritating.

If you guys are on TikTok,

watch people in their 30s
on their TikTok.

We're pathetic. We're just...

The way we will hold a camera
this close to our face,

and be like, "Okay,
Addison, Madison,

"you guys are always
making fun of us

"for our hair and our clothes.

"But you know what?
You don't know your history.

"You don't know
your millennial history."

And the history in question
is the Soulja Boy,Crank That dance.

I'm so tired of us.

We are so embarrassing.

Gen Z is embarrassing,
too, though.

Like...
I love the way they, like,

rep their medications
like they're gangs.

I love it.

I'll mention
that I'm mentally ill,

and someone in the crowd
will just be like, "Lexapro gang!"

They just shout out milligrams.
I love it.

They're just so funny
because they make fun of millennials for being old.

And then, like,
get scammed on the Internet

just like boomers.

I'm just saying,
if we are diet-old, they're old zero.

They're right behind us.

They're not
gonna be young long.

Time is fleeting,
and obsessing about youth is a waste of energy

because you're just
gonna lose it.

I hate obsessing
about my appearance

Like, I want to look good,

but there's constantly
new things

that are being sold to me
to make me look better.

Does it ever feel like
it's never going to end?

Like, why is Oprah on Ozempic?

Hear me... I'm not saying
that it's bad,

but, like,
if I had Oprah money,

I would not give a fuck
about being skinny.

I mean, like, Oprah
doesn't have our problems.

Like, she doesn't
have to worry about, like,

sitting in an airplane seat
or getting into a club in Miami.

She doesn't have to think
about any of that.

That she can just buy Miami.
What do you need...

What do you need
to be hot for? Okay?

Have you ever heard
someone say, "You know, Bill Gates could stand

"to be a little taller."
Like, we don't do that. -

Only women billionaires
have to keep being hot.

It's disgusting.

"I can't wait to just not care
about being hot anymore."

She said, while looking
very, very hot.

Thank you. In my opinion.

I don't know.
I don't know.

I was supposed
to get my hair done at a salon today.

And then I found a review
where someone posted a picture

of a burn mark on their neck.

And I still thought
about going. That...

That's being a woman,
being like, "Mmm..."

I mean, how many
third-degree burns do you get?

You know, just...

God, there's always something.

There's always some horrible
side effect to things.

I've had friends who've had,
like, all different types of plastic surgery.

And I'm not even judging,

'cause who knows
what I'll decide to get?

I don't know.

I don't... Others...

Look, for the right amount
of money,

you could convince me
to do anything.

Like, when I get...

I am putting my stomach
on my booty cheeks.

I'm doing it...

...and you can't stop me.

I've looked into
Brazilian butt lifts, and they look enticing.

The only thing is, I do think
there's a certain amount of butt

that's, like, alarming.

Like, I was at
the Atlanta airport,

and there's just like,
I don't know...

I just saw a booty
that was so big,

that I was like,
"Before 6:00 a.m.?"

You know? Just...

Isn't it a little early
for that?

Like, just like...

There's just certain things
that just kinda throw me off a little bit.

Man.

I was talking earlier
about racial identity.

Sometimes I get in trouble
with people

for bringing these things up.

I was telling...
I was doing a college show,

and I talked about race
at the college show, as I do.

I mean, hell, half the time
when I do a college show,

they bring me on
as part of their Black history enrichment program.

Which is like...
I don't think Martin Luther King's dream

was about my booty hole.
You know? -

I have to warn them.
Like, I'm...

I'm not about to make
Sir George Who proud.

You know,
I'm just doing my thing. -

But I was talking about race,

and I was talking
about race as a concept.

And one time,
I was doing a Zoom show,

and this guy lost his mind.

Like, midway through the show,
he was just like,

"Stop it! Stop it right now.

"I'm tired of you
bringing up race.

"That's the real racism.

"It's people like you
who talk about race.

"That's the real racism."

And I was like, "Yeah,
because the Klan talks a lot," you know...

Mmm, they be talking!

He got so mad.

But they actually shut down
his computer,

or, like closed him out
of the Zoom, and he was gone.

Or so I thought.

Then this man sent me
a bunch of Instagram messages.

Like, piles of messages.

My favorite was,
"I only tuned in because I thought you were hot.

"You're actually just average."

Okay.

You didn't say ugly, though.

Couldn't even fix
your mouth to say "Ugly."

He was like,
"I was very disappointed

"that you're just another one
of those comedians that brings up race.

"I thought it was cool
that you have a white husband,

"but all you do
is make fun of him."

And I'm like, "Of course I do."

Making fun of your husband
is your birthright.

Okay?

That's just...
Mine happens to be white,

and I also can't find
the ketchup.

You know,
I just have more layers. -

I just have more layers.

He's keep going,
he's all mad at me.

He's telling me
how I'm bringing up

all the problems,
and that's the issue.

And so I recommended
he reads a book

about white fragility
to calm down.

That did not calm him down.

That did not calm him down.

I just... He is crazy.

The thing that made him mad
was a joke about sunburns.

All I said
is I just don't understand

how they're the master race
if they're flammable.

And that just...

And he just kept saying,
"Why would you bring that up?

"Why would you say that?"

And then I looked
at his profile picture,

and I screenshotted it
and he was sunburnt.

And I said,
"Is this why you're upset?"

And I sent him a link
to an SPF 100, and I haven't heard back.

But I'm scared of North Carolina.

I really am. Like,
this guy was mad at me.

I don't know.
Like I was talking about,

I am proud
to be African American.

I think our history, our legacy,
is a beautiful thing.

I've been reading into it
more and more,

and all the things
we've accomplished

as a people is so beautiful.

Like, there's an expression
we use in the Black community

that I really love. It goes,

"I am my ancestors'
wildest dreams."

When I think about that,
I'm like, "Yes,

"I am my ancestors'
wildest stress dream.

"Yes, I am."

I bet you,
my great-great-great-grandmother

was waking up
in the middle of the night like...

"Jebediah."

"Wake up, Jebediah,
I had the dream."

And he'll say,
"What is it, Beula? What'd you see?"

"I saw my
great-great granddaughter.

"She was on stage, talking.

"She's beautiful."

"Is she happy?" "No."

But...

"Beula,
that don't make no sense.

"What do you mean
she's not happy?

"Is she free?" "Technically."

But...

"That don't make no damn sense.

"What's wrong with her?
How is she not happy if she's free?"

"Well, she gets on stage
and she talks,

"and then, you know,
she has this life and these cars,

"and she does stuff
and she's so busy, but she's not..."

"Well, what's wrong with her,
Beula?"

"She has something
called anxiety. I don't know what it is!"

"It sounds French.
Good for her. Go to bed."

You know that's...

I know they're proud
of me, y'all.

I hope you're proud of me, too.

Thank you so much
for being here tonight.