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HIGH-PITCHED TOOT, LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage, it's Anna Mann!

Hello, my darlings! Hello! CHEERING

Hello. Hello.

Look at you all!

Look at you all.

Look at the faces. Oh, gosh!

"Who is she? What's she gonna do?"

"Have we got the right show, Margaret?"

I love that. Yes, you have, Margaret.

She's always like that.

What a bunch. What a gang. Look at you, little fish.

Look at you, you little fish.

Swimming around in your bowl, God bless you.

Look at those eyes.

Oh, fuck. Look at those eyes. Show the crowd, my love.

Show the crowd. Show them your eyes. Look at those eyes.

Such dead eyes.

Nothing in her head. Nothing in her head.

No, no, I mean that as a compliment.

Don't you dare. She's young, she's fresh, she's full of life.

What's your name, fish?

Er, Beth. Oh, fuck off, I love it!

LAUGHTER

And look at that hairy gibbon over there.

Look at that hairy, hairy man over there.

Swinging through the trees,

throwing his poop down on all and sundry.

I love that. Does not give a damn!

Great attitude!

LAUGHTER

Keep that, keep that.

What's your name, gibbon? MAN: Paul.

Oh, fuck off, I love it!

Paul. What's that? Is that ethnic?

I love... No, shut up. I love ethnicity.

I live for bangles.

For the wonderful... Bangles, not The Bangles, although, good.

Erm... wonderful crowd, a wonderful he...

Look at this hungry pig in the middle here. Thought he'd...

Look at that. Don't you dare. Don't you dare, Margaret!

I'm not talking about his weight, I'm talking about his ambition.

OK?

Hungry ambition.

Love that. Do anything to get to the top, am I right, pig?

LAUGHTER Fuck.

Like me... Stand up, my love. Stand up, my love.

He looks... Stand up. Quickly show...

Looks exactly like me as a young lady.

Erm, spitting image.

Spitting... You may sit down now.

Wonderful stuff. And what do you do, pig?

I'm a writer. Oh, fuck, of course you are.

I love that. Kill me with a pen, you know?

What do you write? Poems?

I'm a digital copywriter. Oh, that's not writing.

Erm... LAUGHTER

No, no, no, no, bless you. No, no, that's, that's...

No, no, no, bless you, darling.

No, no, no, I understand. No, no, no.

And do you want to be the best writer of digital copies,

erm, in the world?

In the universe?

Best ever, yeah. Best ever, and what would you do

to get there? Anything? Erm...

Would you shoot a pigeon?

Would you shoot a pigeon, pig?

There's a pigeon. There's your job, you got a gun,

what do you do? Bang!

Bang, he's dead. Love that! LAUGHTER

Love that. Hungry for it.

He'll do anything to get to the top.

Fuck!

Love that. Never change. Get in your trough and eat.

Are you with...? Are you together?

No. Don't you hold him back.

Don't you dare Yoko Ono him!

He's gonna get there

whether you're there or not, love, it's good to remember that.

Love that. What's your name, pig?

Nathaniel. Fuck off, that's fun.

I love it.

Nathaniel, short for...? Nat.

Right.

Erm... LAUGHTER

There... I see you, snake.

Yeah, snake. With the glasses.

Slippery... Yes, you. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

There's always a snake.

There's a little fish, lovely little fish,

and a hungry gibbon, and a... Er, erm... Whatever you were.

NATHANIEL: Pig. Pig, yes.

And a yak thing.

And then, there's the snake.

The cynic, the critic.

Been there, done that, yes?

You know what I'm talking about.

What's your name, snake? Ryan.

What? Ryan.

Anyway, erm... LAUGHTER

What's that, my love? What's that? Who am I?

Well, I'm Anna Mann, of course. Rude!

Er...

..actress, singer, lover.

Barber, briefly, in the '80s.

Who wasn't?

Siren of the stage and screen.

If I say... Who's for Turkish Delight?

Anyone? A little riff of recognition at the back there.

# Who's for Turkish Delight Turkish Delight, Turkish Delight?

# I am. #

Yeah? Channel 4, 1992, 2am? LAUGHTER

Wonderful production. Wonderful production.

And, of course, I was in the original,

original production of The Lion King.

Er, the theatrical version. I played the elephant's fanny.

Erm...

And, of course, the very famous film.

I know that you're all here to hear about it.

Very famous, that's probably why you're all here tonight.

Erm, the very, very, very famous film I was in

was actually originally called Dead Island.

Not many people know this.

Erm, then it became Island Of The Dead. This happened.

You thinking of going into movies, pig?

Are you thinking of going into movies? Yes?

You haven't got the face for it.

But, erm... No, no, no, I'm not being rude.

There's just nothing about you.

But, no, erm...

I think... Please don't take that the wrong way.

No, but, erm...

No, but, anyway, so it was originally called Dead Island,

then it became Island Of The Dead.

Then they changed it to Everyone On This Island Is Dead.

Then, it became I'm Dead Or You, Let's Get Off The Island.

Erm, till, finally, they settled on, erm, er, Zulu.

Anyway, my loves, on with the show.

Welcome to this. A Sketch Show For Depressives.

ANNA SIGHS

Now, they told me not to do the show.

OK? "You're too old, Anna.

"You don't know what you're talking about.

"Stick to what you're good at, sleeping and crying.

"Somebody's gonna get hurt, it'll be Aliens: The Musical all over again."

Ripple of recognition from the back there.

# No-one in space can hear me scream But, boy, can they hear me sing!

# He's no good for you says Mummy Put a creature in your tummy

# He's up to no good He's got acid for blood

# But I can't help it If I love him. #

Closed the first night. Erm...

No, seriously, they were handing out P45s during the interval.

And that was before anyone died.

No, but, erm,

I had to do this show, my loves.

I had to do it for you. Yes? The little people.

The tiddly-widdlies. The pobbly-wobblies.

The numbly-wumblies. The losers.

Life's little losers. Them what can't speak for themselves.

And for myself, of course.

When I finally came to accept I had suffered a lifetime of depression,

and its pissy little sister, anxiety...

I...

Margaret likes that, doesn't she?

I went straight out to the NHS. And surprise, surprise,

"We can't help you with that." Yes, we've all been there.

I mean, yes, it was a dentist, but still.

LAUGHTER

He was actually very kind.

He pointed me in the right direction.

I end up in the sort of therapy group, you know?

Erm, within ten minutes, I'm running the group.

Twenty minutes later, the therapist retires.

In half an hour, I decide to put on a show.

Erm, so I took all their stories, from the group.

I didn't ask their permission, I couldn't be bothered.

But I turned those stories into little vignettes, sketches, skits,

what we used to call, erm, willy-ticklers.

Tonight, you'll meet real-life people

with real-life stories and real-life willies.

Everyone will be played by myself, Anna Mann.

So, if at some point you're watching it, fish,

and you go, "Oh, shit, where's Anna? I'm having a panic,

"I can't get through." It is me, I'm just wearing a hat.

I'm that good, Margaret.

Now, cards on the chaise longue...

..this show won't cure you of your depression.

OK? I wanted to say it would,

but, apparently, I don't have that right, legally,

which is a real shame,

because we had a thousand of these T-shirts made.

Quickly, boys. Erm, here we go. Look.

"Anna... Anna Will Cure Your Depression."

Erm, yes, now...

This is Bruce Wayne, by the way. Local acting student.

Not very bright, but very keen.

What a specimen, eh, fish?

Fuck off, I love it!

Look at it. Fuck!

Also, very good at rapping.

Have you heard of this, pig? Rapping?

I'd never heard of it. It's wonderful stuff.

Do you wanna show us some of your rapping?

Maybe we could get a sorta beat going, you know?

Let's hear some real rapping. OK, here we go.

# Ah, yeah, that's right

# Let's go. #

Very good at rapping. Erm, very urban, you know?

Very... Very of the streets. I love that. Very good, Bruce.

So, erm... Oh, God, of course.

Er, sorry, what was your name again, my love?

Herman Gross, I'm currently studying...

So, you've met the gang, you've found your seats.

Now, sit back, pop a Prozac,

stick your emergency contact in your wallet,

watch them triggers.

And let the show begin!

Thank you, my loves, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Yes, yes.

Mm! Mm.

THEY CHUCKLE

Do you ever feel like this?

Like everyone gets something you don't?

Frustrating, isn't it?

Sometimes, you just wanna throw yourself in front of the train.

ANNA GASPS BOTH: No!

Flip me, darlings, flip me.

THEY GRUNT

But maybe, just maybe, with a little bit of help,

you can pick up...

Excuse me, move me over there.

You can pick up the train and just...

Where is it? And just switch it off.

I guess that's what this show's all about.

LAUGHTER, MUSIC PLAYING

Looking up at the stars, Bruce Wayne,

looking up at the stars.

And walking. Walking, Bruce Wayne, walking. But looking forward now.

Not too bright, that's him, not too bright. But very keen.

Turn, turn, turn, clap, clap.

Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy. Freestyle.

Have you ever been depressed?

I have. It was fucking shit.

Here are some other common answers to that question.

I was depressed once in the '90s, but I got over it by shagging.

Right, lads? BOTH: Right!

I don't think I was depressed. I just went to bed. For seven years!

No.

The truth is...

The truth is, over 100% of people,

that's one in one people,

will at some point suffer depression.

To put it another way, that's one person

out of every person in this room.

My advice is simple.

Slow down, look out!

But a lot of people say that makes them even more anxious.

Maybe you'll understand by the end.

Hey, kids, here's some myths about depression what need bustin'.

WOMAN LAUGHING

I heard depression started in monkeys.

BOTH: Wrong!

You can't get depression standing up, right?

ALL: Wrong!

Depression is used as an energy source in China.

BOTH: Wrong!

Probably, not sure about that one, to be honest.

Er, they can be a harsh bunch, as I learnt to my peril

when I performed Chairman Mao: The Musical.

Er, a little ripple of recognition over there.

# Chairman Mao Won't you give me a smile?

# Won't you give me a look?

# Stick me in Your little red book. #

LAUGHTER

# Chairman Mao, Chairman wow Chairman now now now! #

Different sense of humour over there.

Er, no, seriously.

Act One.

Problems. Problems.

Little bit late, Bruce Wayne.

Hey, come on, don't beat yourself up. You're good.

Now, a lot of people think

depression is like this.

I'm so depressed, I can't be bothered, man.

But, a lot of the times, it's more like this.

"Oh, my God, there are crabs. Crabs in my eyes!"

Sometimes, it can even be like this.

TELEPHONE RINGING

Oh, hello?

Sorry, Anna, you didn't get the part.

Oh, OK. Any feedback?

You're over 25 and you're a woman.

Of course, I forgot.

How silly of me! Thank you.

EERIE WAILING

Not sure what that is.

Look, life is tough, OK?

Erm, depression is an illness just like any other, OK?

If you stubbed your toe,

you go straight to the hospital, am I right?

I know I would. It's what they're there for.

But if you stub your mind,

you're meant to just carry on, pretending everything's OK.

Well, let me tell you now, kids, I'm not very good at pretending.

Actually, I am an actress, so, please...

Life is tough, my love.

It can be a bastard to rival Lears.

And, no, that won't be the only nod to Bill Shakes tonight,

thank you very much.

Love Bill Shakes. Hands up, who loves Bill Shakes?

Bill Shakes, Shakespeare... Oh, fine.

Yeah, a little hand, all right.

Don't go all the way, you little coward.

Bill Shakes... All right, you're half-brave.

Erm... Love Bill Shakes.

Love you, Bill, if you're listening, babe. Mwah!

He's up there, isn't he?

Looking down on us.

Four hundred years, he's been gone.

Feels like yesterday, doesn't it?

So sad. So soon.

What's your favourite Bill Shakes? MAN: Lear.

Lear! Eurgh. Never heard of it.

LAUGHTER My...

My favourite is probably Much Ado...

Do we know Much Ado? Much Ado About Nothing?

Have you ever done Ado? Have you ever done Ado, my love?

You look like you might have done Ado. You've never done Ado?

You've never done Ado? Oh, fuck off! You must have done Ado.

I've done Ado. I've even done the sequel. Ado Two.

Also known as A-Did.

Not as good as the first.

If you're thinking of going, in a word - A-don't.

Now, you're looking at me and you're going, "Anna,

"how did someone as beautiful, as intelligent,

"as clever as you, with a huge gaping age range..."

LAUGHTER

"How did you possibly get so sad?"

Well, Margaret,

I think my depression probably started with...

Probably my complete mental breakdown

whilst playing Lady Emma at the Tittery Whoppit.

The play was meant to be Othello.

I think I just learnt too many lines, you know?

It got to a point

where there were just too many new words coming in here.

I was forgetting old words. There was no room in the noggin.

Once, I called a glass a long bowl.

I guess my point is, my loves, whoever ye may be,

be ye the president of Africa,

you never know when life is just going to turn around

and bite you on the minge.

And that's what our first group therapy member discovered.

All right, settle down, settle down.

Er, my name is Mr Robinson.

I'm your new physical education teacher.

Sorry, mate, am I boring you?

Now, erm...

LAUGHTER

We don't muck around in this class, OK?

Er, we don't pull sickies.

If you break your arm, we get you running around the tracks, OK?

You break your legs, you get to liftin' weights.

You break your arms and your legs, sports theory. OK?

Sorry, mate, you got something to add to that?

Now... LAUGHTER

I'm a physical education teacher, OK?

Not because I wasn't very good at anything else.

You got somewhere better to be, mate?

Now... LAUGHTER

I'm a physical education teacher because I love physical education.

It's in me blood. OK?

Let me explain. Take a look out that window. Right?

What do you see? Outside!

Some trees! Some trees outside.

Exactly. That's because right now,

your little brains are too small to understand anything but some trees.

If I was a maths teacher, OK,

I might look outside the window and go,

"Oh, there are seven trees." There are only five.

All right, clever dick.

Yeah, I did swear!

I'm the kind of teacher that swears, get over it, OK?

Don't be a clever dick, yeah? Don't be a prat.

Don't be a fuckcunt! Outside, right now.

Fuckin' cunt! Get outside.

Totally inappropriate language.

Who was that kid?

Right. Where was I?

Maths teacher looks outside the window...

Fucker! Get out of it!

Looks outside the window.

He goes, "Oh, there are seven trees," OK?

Science teacher looks outside the window,

he goes, "Oh, those are oak trees, yeah?"

Art teacher looks outside the window,

she goes, "Oh, those are beautiful trees!"

I look outside the window, I go,

"Football."

LAUGHTER It's in me blood, OK?

Perspiration plus perseverance equals presults.

LAUGHTER

Now, let's get a couple of you lads up here right now...

Me. Me, sir. All right, come on, then, Kevin.

Up you come. All right, come on.

Kevin from the cricket club, he's very good.

He's got skills, he's physically active.

There you go. That's what I mean.

He's got a lot of skills. What about this guy here?

What about this guy here? Come on up.

Up you come. What about this guy here?

Come on, mate. Don't be shy. You all right?

You got very girlie hair, actually, I like that.

OK, now look at this guy here. What's your name, pal?

Mike. OK.

Now, if you were, er... if you were, er...

If you were in my class, I'd probably call you Skinny Mike.

OK? Skinny Mike.

Hey, don't do that. That's bullying. LAUGHTER

Call you Skinny Mike because of your chicken legs and wimpy arms.

OK, Mike? Don't take offence.

Now, erm, could you just bend down for me for just a second?

Just squat if you can.

A little bit further, a little bit further.

OK. Now, that's about where you are, physically. OK?

You're about as physically active as an amoeba.

This Skinny Mike here...

Skinny Mike! Hey, don't do that. That's bullying.

Skinny fucker! Get out of it!

If Skinny Mike here keeps on trying, OK,

keeps putting the work in, keeps giving it 100%,

he's gonna get better... Up you come. He's gonna get better,

and better, and better...

Oh, never all the way to the top.

Too much of a skinny little runt... Runt!

Hey, don't do that. That's bullying. What did I say, Kevin?

Now, look at Kevin here, he's top of his game, OK?

He's got skills, he's very good, physically.

that much is obvious, there you go.

But if he mucks about, OK,

if he rests on his laurels, if he doesn't give it 100%,

he's gonna get down... Get down, kid.

He's gonna get down, and down, and down. OK?

See what I'm talking about? Hey, don't do that.

Did you just kiss my hand?

Did you not want me to, sir? No, I didn't.

No, I was just doing a demonstration.

What are you doing? Don't suck my finger!

That's weird. What are you doing?

You're giving me all the signals.

I said you're good at cricket. I love you!

No, don't say that, Kevin. That's weird, OK?

Sir and Kevin are bummers! Come on, then, big man.

Come on, then, big man, think you're hard, go on, then.

Am I boring you?

LAUGHTER

Perspiration plus perseverance equals presults. Thank you, bye.

Act Two.

Death. BOTH: Death.

Little bit late, darling. But that's fine.

Death. Now, death is a real problem, actually.

Erm... No, seriously, I don't know if you knew.

Erm...

It's unlike our other little pissy anxieties,

as it almost definitely might actually happen.

Now, I cannot stand here as a woman

and tell you I've ever literally died.

OK?

The closest I got was a little play I appeared in

at the Tittery Whoppit called The Drip.

Erm, it was all about a woman suffering

from a terminally ill cold.

Erm... LAUGHTER

Not great, to be honest. As one critic put it, "Snot good."

LAUGHTER

All right, all right, I know I'm not perfect. I try, OK?

You sit there, judging, while I do all the work.

Well, I'm sick of it, do you hear me? I'm sick of it!

Sorry, darling, I just went into a play then.

This happens every now and again. They just take over...

Sorry, you must be wondering what's going on there.

Erm, no, I just went into a play. A wonderful little piece called, er,

I Guess Sorry Just Ain't Good Enough.

A little ripple over there.

It was at the Tittery Whoppit, Chiswick.

Erm, wonderful piece.

Very intense, tight, three hours.

Er...

Just two people shouting at each other constantly, you know,

that close. But, God, it was good.

Er, very visceral, very real.

Very '80s.

Erm, unfortunately, we did it in the '90s.

So very dated.

I loved it. I loved every second of it.

That wonderful thing. You know when, erm...

You know when plays end with the title?

Plays or films? I love that.

So, the last line was,

"I guess sorry just ain't good enough."

Who did it? Bill Shakes did it first, didn't he, my love?

I guess All's Well That Ends Well.

Yes, you know, it was very clever

cos you have to get up and applaud like mad, you know?

Who else has done it? Erm...

Come on, er, "I-I-I guess we're all just salmon fishing in the Yemen."

You have to... "I guess we're Ghostbusters."

You know, it's... It just really works.

Erm, I guess what I'm saying

in an incredibly roundabout sort of way

is death's horrible, isn't it?

But who wants to get old, really, though?

KNOCKING

Hello? Piss off!

I mean, hello?

Hello, Mrs Crooks. My name is Marjory Crooks.

Hello, it's Pete, Mrs Crooks. Can you let me in, please?

Oh, come on in, Pete. Come on in.

There's some papers by the door. It's quite hard to get in.

I'm not getting up now, Pete. I've settled down for the night.

If there was a fire, I'd just sit here and roast.

But I wouldn't complain, I've had my time.

OK, I'll give it a push.

Give it a push, Pete, you weak bastard.

Not here to bugger me, are you? No, no.

Cos I heard about them buggers.

Lady down the road got buggered the other day.

No, I'm not here to do anything of the sort.

Oh.

Just wondering how you've been keeping, Mrs Crooks.

Oh, fine, fine.

Apart from the fact I basically starve to death.

Oh? And I got in a fight.

A fight? Who with? A man.

A Black man. Are you sure he was Black, Marjory?

If you say he weren't, then he weren't, I'm sure,

but he looked Black to me or he had a black jacket, I don't know.

LAUGHTER

Piss off!

Sorry, I thought something was crawling up my leg.

And was it? What?

Something crawling up your leg. Might have been.

Might have just been a vein.

Erm, so, where was this fight, Marjory?

At my local cash-and-carry.

There I was, as I always am, at 6pm.

to pick up reduced items.

I don't mean reduced as in boiled away to nothing,

that wouldn't make any sense.

But that's what they're trying to do, these Europeans,

they wanna get rid of Cup-a-Soups.

Piss off!

Sorry, I thought I heard my husband's ghost.

Where was I?

Er, you were in the cash-and-carry. Yes, there I was,

my basket laden with reduced items,

when I remembered I forgot to pick up

what we used to call, in my day, a fat pen.

When I came back, a certain type of man,

what we used to call, in my day, a fat bastard,

was rummaging through my items.

I said, "Hey, those items are mine."

He said, "I don't see your name on 'em." I said, "Yes, you do."

And I wrote my name all over the items.

That's why I got the fat pen.

He says, "You're always here at six o'clock,

"picking up all the reduced items."

I said, "I know. I pour 'em in a big stew and mix 'em up."

He said, "Some of these items don't go together!"

I said, "Piss off!" And I broke a jar of marmalade over his head.

I legged it from the shop. Take that, knob end!

LAUGHTER

And when I got home,

I had a delicious pickled onion and lettuce stew

in barbeque sauce with toothpaste

and a Brillo pad.

It was disgusting.

And now I'm starving. Piss off!

Sorry, I thought I heard death.

Wonderful woman, wonderful woman.

Very, very troubled, very tortured. Only 27.

LAUGHTER

ANNA LAUGHS Margaret, yes.

I was just thinking just then, actually,

erm, about my late husband, John Smells. Smellsy.

Little ripple of recognition over there.

There was a man.

There was a real man, rip your head off.

But then he would put it back cos he was kind.

LAUGHTER

Wonderful chap. We worked together at the Tittery Whoppit, Chiswick.

Has anyone ever been there? It's very small. Very small venue.

Smaller than this. Can only fit about three people in.

I think we once managed six, when I was doing a play,

but half of them had to sit on the stage.

It became very hard to tell who was in it and who wasn't.

So, in the end, I just sat down and watched.

LAUGHTER

And I have to say, a lot better than usual. Solid two stars.

No, but we had a lot of fun back then, me and Smellsy.

He's gone now, of course, passed away, bless him.

But you mustn't blame yourself, my loves, you mustn't.

I mean, in my case, arguably, if anyone else had been in the room,

he'd still be alive, but I don't blame myself, I can't be arsed.

But you mustn't regret.

You know, scientists have worked out the number one thing that people say

on their deathbeds...

Erm, how do you think they do that, by the way?

"Fuck, I'm dying. Bring the scientist!"

I don't know, I don't know. "Quick, bring the test tubes, you know."

I'm not a scientist, Margaret, I don't pretend to be.

Except in, erm, Einstein's Fancy.

Oh, yes, little ripple there.

# E equals mc squared

# If only me equalled The one he cared for

# Dared for, he's got a lot Of white hair for me

# Einstein, Einstein Isn't he so fine-stein?

# Wish that he were mine-stein Smells of summer pine-stein

# Don't get so quizzical Let's get quantum physical

# Einstein, Einstein! #

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I didn't get the part.

No, but, erm...

No, but, anyway, scientists did this thing

where they tried to find out what people...

What's the most common regret people have on their deathbed.

What do you think it is, my loves? I don't mean common as in,

"Oh, cor, I'm dying, love." I mean, you know,

common, as in, the thing that most people say.

Any thoughts? You've been unusually quiet, for once.

What, any thoughts? Not falling in love?

Not falling in love? Oh, fuck. Bless you, my darling.

And have you fallen in love? Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Is this her?

Yeah. And you're not that sure, are you?

Bless you. Bless you.

Well, you know, there's still time.

Erm...

No, no, come on. Hey, come on, he loves you.

I know, I can tell by the way he's...

desperately squeezing your hand.

Erm, never fallen in love. Anyone, any other regrets?

Well, this pack over here, this sort of gang of thugs?

LAUGHTER

Any regrets? What do you think might be the number one regret?

Didn't see Anna in a play? What?

Didn't see Anna in a play? You didn't see Anna in a play.

Oh, bless you, bless you.

Little creep.

Erm... LAUGHTER

No, no, I know, there's... I know, it's very nice,

but there's a line where it's just a little bit weird.

Erm, and what about this chap? Come on, you know the answer.

What's the thing you might regret most on your deathbed?

Erm, not having enough sex, I would say.

Not having enough sex. There we go. Well, he's close.

The answer is, er, "I wish I'd had a threesome."

That is... No, this is science, don't argue.

This is the most common thing.

Hands up, who's had a threesome here? Quick headcount?

George? No? Nearly.

Nearly? Oh, fuck! With... LAUGHTER

With... No, no.

Oh, no, no. This was a long time before...

Love, cover your ears, my darling, cover your ears.

Who was it? Two men, two girls?

Three men? That's four.

Four men. Four men?

It was fivesome. It was a five...

OK, interesting.

Erm, and you were in the centre, and they were just sort of ganging up?

They were just milling around.

A what? A merry-go-round?

What's your name, my love?

Barry. Barry? A Barry-go-round.

Fuck! LAUGHTER

# Here we go round The Barry-go-round

# Bum-pa-bum-pa-bum-bum. #

Oh, I'd loved to have seen that.

I've never had a threesome.

I know, pig, you're looking at me, going, "Shut up, Anna,

"you've got threesomes coming out of your ears."

No, I've never had a threesome ever.

I mean, I've had a foursome, a fivesome - Cardiff -

but I've never... LAUGHTER

I've never had a threesome.

I mean, I've got close, you know,

but every time, they end up going off with each other.

And I'm left to, sort of, tidy up, so to speak.

Also, literally to tidy up, I did it in my own house.

They made a horrible mess. Don't do that, word for the wise.

Good evening. My name is Wolfgang Hoffman.

I am a documentary film-maker.

I long to capture the pain and emotional struggle of humankind,

to take people who are suffering from difficult and traumatic times,

to film them and then edit it to make them look funny.

HE MIMICS LAUGHTER

Tonight, we're making a short documentary film,

er, of a volunteer, perhaps you, sir?

You seem like fun, Barry. Would you care...?

Would you care to join me on the stage, yes? OK.

Well, you were up for the Barry-go-round, I mean...

LAUGHTER

Surely, this is merely a hop, skip, and a jump.

Stand here, Barry, in the light so they can see you.

Now, erm, just for formality... OK, the camera is here, is filming.

What is your name?

Barry. Yes.

Er, where are you from?

Hornchurch. Yep.

And, er, are you...?

Very strong. Are you wheat intolerant?

Think hard. I don't think, no...

No, that is good. That is good. That is good.

# Here we go round The Barry-go-round. #

Er, now, I like this...

This will stick for the rest of your life.

Now, erm, Barry,

we are just going to film a short film, OK?

Of you, in your natural habitat.

Be yourself, you know what I mean. Just, sort of, hang out.

Er, I'm just going to say... I'm just going to narrate...

I'm going to say what I see, OK?

So, you just stand there for a moment.

Barry. You are an everyday sort of a chap.

You have come from nothing.

This is, of course, where you are destined to go.

No-one has ever been kind to you.

You have shuffled along from moment to moment,

only vaguely aware of the world around you,

achieving nothing other than to drain the world

of its already overtaxed resources.

Correct. You are...

No, I am not finished. You also butt in...

..as if the rest was not enough.

You are a nothing, a nobody, and might as well have not bothered.

You agree? Yes.

No, it was not a question, it was a statement, "You agree."

Er, if it was a question, it would go up at the end like this,

"You agree?"

LAUGHTER

But, Barry, with all that in mind,

what if I were to give you...

this biscuit?

Take it, Barry, please. It is yours.

Is it a ginger biscuit? It is a biscuit.

You will find out. I didn't check the box.

Please eat the biscuit. Yes, it is yours.

It... Eat the biscuit. Good. Take. Thank you.

Yes.

PIANO MUSIC PLAYING

I watched as he ate the biscuit.

His face... Don't talk!

His face lit up with joy.

No-one had ever been kind to him before.

He looked at me like I was some sort of mother bear.

But I had a piece of information that would change

how he felt about me and the biscuit.

Forever.

Barry. Barry. I'm afraid I forgot to say,

the biscuit is completely covered

in plague. LAUGHTER

Plague, the Black Death.

How do you feel? Show with your face.

I watched his joy shatter.

LAUGHTER

The mother bear had tricked him.

His eyes literally came tears.

It was a bukkake of misery...

LAUGHTER

..which Barry knows all about.

# From the Barry-go-round! #

But I had another piece of information

that would change how he felt about it.

Barry? I joke. It is not covered in plague.

Please eat the biscuit. You're fine. Yeah, you're fine.

I watched the joy return to his eyes.

He reminded me of the squirrel

who discovers it has hoarded ever so slightly more nuts

than it had originally thought for that winter.

But I'd one final piece of information. Barry.

I'm afraid one of the biscuits in the box was covered in plague,

but I cannot remember which.

It is a mystery which... Oh, which plague?

No, which... What?

LAUGHTER

Which biscuit... Would it matter which plague?

I suppose it would. Some plagues...

What kind of plague is acceptable?

What kind of plague did you get after the Barry-go-round?

One that doesn't kill you.

Yeah, one that doesn't... Unfortunately, it's not that plague.

LAUGHTER Erm, it is a plague that does.

But we do not know whether it is that biscuit or not.

It is like the mystery of life, this is what I'm explaining,

with whom we all must share the commode of death. Yeah?

You must live with the mystery.

I watched his brain split in two.

His feeble mind could not cope with this mystery.

He fell to the floor.

Yeah. Should I fall to the...?

Yeah, yeah, he fell to the floor.

Like you did on the Barry-go-round!

And he began to cry like a baby.

BARRY MIMICS BABY CRYING

And then he died.

LAUGHTER

And dropped the bi... All the way down.

You don't die with your head up, dick.

LAUGHTER

And then... But he died comfortably,

using his arm as a pillow.

And then he died...

of plague.

Very good, Barry. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Act Three. Getting Better. BOTH: Getting Better.

Where were you, you useless twat?

Act Three, Getting Better.

How do we get better?

How do we beat our depression, our anxiety?

Well, erm, when I was a little girl,

my, er, mum and dad used to fight a lot.

Mum was a real matriarch, you know,

ruled the house with an iron fist and a gammy leg.

Dad, lovely chap, very creative, you know.

Played the guitar like no-one else.

Played it like a flute, it sounded terrible.

But a wonderful man, very small man.

Very little, compared to her, really tiny.

Honestly, really, barely visible to the naked eye.

When they got in fights, Mum'd just kick him.

HE WAILS, LAUGHTER

And into this unhappy household plopped an Anna Mann.

Now, I did have one friend, a little dog called Cassie.

And she would come up to me

when I was feeling particularly down,

when Mum and Dad had been fighting.

And she would sing me a little song.

She's very clever for a dog.

And the song went a little bit like this.

ANNA MIMICKING A DOG SINGING

And, er... LAUGHTER

..years later, we took that song to a, sort of, dog whisperer.

And we had it translated into English.

And it came out a little bit like this.

# The world is out there Out there for you somewhere

# The universe is turning As it should... #

Oh, yeah!

# And we are falling... # That's right.

# Falling through the cosmos... # Let's go!

# Life is gentle Soft and strange and good. #

ANNA MIMICKING A DOG SINGING

Sadly, the last line was untranslatable.

Er... LAUGHTER

You know, but still not bad for 20 quid from the RSPCA.

Now... LAUGHTER

..I can't...

I can't suggest you all go out and buy a singing dog.

They are few and far between.

You could they're a diamond in the "ruff".

Come on, Barry, you've had a show.

Now, erm, I guess, in a way, we're all looking for saviours,

aren't we, my love?

Some of us even think we are saviours.

Like our final group therapy member.

Hello! Er, my name is Nick Grippin.

I'm a 57-year-old white male man.

Erm... HE SNICKERS

Well, I am, so...

Erm... LAUGHTER

And I'm here to draw a line in the sand that says, "Enough."

Not literally, of course. Lines in the sand can't speak.

HE STUTTERS

Some truth to that rumour.

Erm, I'm here tonight as, I hope, er, your next Prime Minister.

Er, or at least local councillor.

Now... LAUGHTER

..after our previous local councillor,

a man called Mr Gordon Baker,

or as I like to call him, Mr Gordon Bennett...

CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

Some truth to that rumour.

Er, after he was forced to resign for googling "boobs"...

Er... LAUGHTER

..I spied a Nick Grippin-shaped hole that I very much would like to fill.

Now, I'm just a normal bloke like you or me, OK?

But I've seen this country go from a lovely place

to a complete shambles,

where nobody knows each other's name,

and if they did, they probably wouldn't know how to pronounce it.

ALL LAUGHING

There's some truth to that rumour.

No, no, but, erm, no, no, in all seriousness...

Erm, no, now, the average man doesn't know

whether he's coming or going, OK?

If you went up to the average man in the street and said,

"Excuse me, sir, do you know if you're coming or going?"

he'd probably tell you to naff off, OK? I know I would.

I hate people coming up to me in the street.

I tell them to naff off!

I don't want Sky Broadband, I can't spare any change,

I don't wanna save the rainforests, thank you very much.

They're in South America.

Can we sort out the rainforests in Britain first, please?

LAUGHTER

No, no, erm...

Now, I've had some tough times myself,

I won't lie, OK? I've had me ups and downs.

It's not all been plain sailing.

How do you sail a plane, anyway?

LAUGHTER

No, but, seriously. Erm...

Erm, having... having my wife...

Er, having my wife beside me

throughout, through thick and thin, no matter what,

er, didn't help.

Erm... LAUGHTER

She's not exactly what I'd call a kind woman.

Not exactly what I'd call a woman.

Er, I-I'd strangle her if I could.

Erm, if I could get my hand around her pachydermal neck.

That means elephant.

Erm... LAUGHTER

All right, Mr Chairman, I'm getting to the end.

Now, er, I'd like to leave you with something, if I may.

Er, now, recently, when I was walking through

a-a-a little park near where I grew up...

And I had a real sense of deja vu.

Erm, by the way, can we think of an English word for that, please?

I hate speaking French. It's a feat.

Erm, anyway, I was walking through this park,

seeing the things of yesteryear,

a slide, swings, the tree I used to kick for hours in a rage.

Erm, and then I saw a pizza box...

..that some young thug...

..had just left there, OK, ruining my reverie.

And I got quite angry about it, OK?

It got me goat. LAUGHTER

I thought, "I'm not having this." But I thought, "Come on, Nick!

"You're not ten years old, don't just kick a tree.

"Do something constructive." I've written a poem.

Erm... LAUGHTER

Now, I'm not George Bernard Shaw, all right?

But, hopefully, it won't be too old-fashioned

and you may even shed a tear.

LAUGHTER

"I'm walking on a patch of grass

"right by where me Aunty Carol used to live.

"It's a place where often I would sit,

"and chocolates the old man who lived up the road would give me.

"There's a pizza box..." Bleh!

"..on the grass,

"it's dirty, stained, and foreign.

"I don't remember pizzas growing up, do you?

"I guess them days is gone-n.

"They say a global world is better.

"Not sure I agree with that.

"Pizzas are made by Italians. And many of them are fat.

"Godfather, Pavarotti, GoCompare..."

LAUGHTER

"Curry, Chinese, chewing gum. Where's it all come from?

"In my day, if you dropped a sweet, they'd kick you up the bum.

"But you'd thank them for it afterwards

"and you wouldn't do it again.

"It's all changed now, that patch of grass,

"where once I played for free.

"Where old Mr Malone would give chocolates

"just to sit upon his knee.

" 'It's just our little secret, he'd wink and say to me.

"What a character that old man was

"A type you will not see again

"Generous and tactile...

"Oh, where are such men, England?

"A loyal friend to me, a constant, constant pal.

"Always ready with a camera

"as we played Catch The Old Man's Pole."

Fly away, Nick Grippin. Fly away.

Off you go, my love.

Probably the most troubled member of our group.

He's much better now, living as a gay Asian woman in Crewe.

LAUGHTER

So, how do we stop this depression?

Well, one thing we used to try in the group

was a little experiment called forum theatre.

Have you heard of this? Little rip...

It's, er... It's a very good little exercise.

Basically, we take a play, it's one that I've written.

It's about the issues raised this evening.

We run the play, and then we run it again,

but then we stop it, OK?

And we say what the characters might have done differently,

to make things better. So, up you come, lads, quickly.

Do you mind if I just budge in there, my loves?

Thank you, my darling. Oh, God, I'm knackered!

ANNA LAUGHS

You've done all right tonight, haven't you?

LAUGHTER

God bless, and this gang here and all.

Oh, Margaret! When does it end?

8pm.

Right, let's start the show...

Let's do the show. In your own time, Bruce Wayne. Very good. But now.

LAUGHTER

Oh, hi, Scott, how are you? I'm really depressed, actually.

OK, bye, then!

So, that was the play. Erm...

Something wasn't quite right in that scene, was it?

Something wasn't quite working.

What do you think this... this character might have done

to make things better? Any thoughts?

Any thoughts over here? This bunch?

What might he have said?

Come on, shout out.

It will go on till 8:00 if you don't.

Shout out. Yes, this chap here. He could have said...

What? What? What's that, my love?

He could have said, "I hope you're OK."

He could have said, "I hope you're OK."

It's not that hard, you fuckers.

"Hey, I hope you're OK." Heartless beasts.

Er, "I hope you're OK," Bruce Wayne.

Try that. Let's see what happens this time. Do you mind if I just...?

Just gonna, sort of, kneel...

ANNA GROANS

LAUGHTER

I mean, it's just so long, isn't it?

Just on my feet, I'm too old.

They were right, I'm too old.

WOMAN LAUGHING

OK, erm, here we go. Let's go, Bruce Wayne.

Oh, bony, isn't it bony?

Let's go.

Oh, hi, Scott. How are you? I'm really depressed, actually.

I hope you're OK. You fucking what?

Right, OK. Scene, scene, scene!

Well, that didn't help, did it?

Thanks a lot for the advice, mate.

Jesus, I hope you're not a therapist.

Anyone around here? Come on, this little chap here.

This... He's been fun and laughing.

What's the answer? Come on. Er...

Come on. Is there someone...?

Is there someone...? Not you!

This chap here, bless you.

Bless you, but, no. Come on.

You should know where I'm looking.

Go on, what was it? Do you wanna go for a pint?

OK, what was your idea, darling?

LAUGHTER No, all right, fine.

"Do you wanna go for a pint?" Let's see what happens this time.

Oh, hi, Scott. How are you? I'm really depressed, actually.

You wanna go for a pint? You just touch my bum?

Did you just touch my bum?

What's going on here? What's going on here? Oi!

I'm being a barmaid. What's going on here in my pub?

I'm cleaning a glass.

What's going on here in my pub?

He's a sex pest.

You what? Yeah.

Call the police. You're going down, you scum!

Right, that was even worse.

LAUGHTER That was even worse.

Any idea what...? Yes, you. Yes, you.

Er, what's the matter? What's the matter?

Bruce Wayne.

Oh, hi, Scott. How are you? MIMICS SHOOTING

Right. Worst... LAUGHTER

Worst of the lot, mate.

Keep shtum. Yeah?

Keep shtum next time.

Three-nil to depression.

Now, there is something we prepared earlier.

Little idea we prepared earlier.

Let's see what happens with this final one, here we go.

Oh, hi, Scott. How are you? I'm really depressed, actually.

Have you tried running? No. That's a brilliant idea.

SCOTT PANTING

I feel better already.

Yes, I'm afraid the answer's running.

LAUGHTER

However long you've had depression, however bad you have it,

whatever you say to them...

"Oh, help me, doctor. There are crabs in my eyes!"

"Have you tried running?"

Maybe a bit of yoga, you know?

"Just give me a pill, you fucking cunt!

"Just give me a pill to take it away!"

"Or you could go running,

"and maybe do a bit of yoga."

So, you do it, don't you, my loves?

We've all tried. You get up early, I don't know, 11:30,

up you go, running, "Oh, God, this is hard!"

You get home to bed, you collapse, you wake up the next day,

"Come on, let's do it. Let's beat the depression, Anna."

Off you go, you're running, you're on the beach,

doing a bit of yoga, you know, this feels a lot better now, OK.

Next day, boom! Off you go.

You're running, here we go. We're doing yoga.

You meet a couple of other guys, Roger and George,

they're running as well, aren't they?

You all go running together, you form a little club.

Next thing you know, you're entering a marathon,

a half-marathon, and you win! Well, you finish.

ANNA GROANS

And you celebrate. You go out that night, you hit the dance floor,

you're doing a bit of yoga on the dance floor, you know.

And you get off with Roger, and George is really angry,

you didn't even know he liked you.

Then he puts something on social media,

and Roger's wife comes at you with a sort of shank.

LAUGHTER

Luckily, 20 years of stage combat kick in, you break her arm.

Er, next thing you know,

you're hauled up in front of the judge, waiting to be seen,

do a bit of yoga.

And then, you're barred from, erm, Luton.

And the next day, you get up, and you think,

"Shall I go running?"

And then, you think...

"Nah, fuck that!"

MOBILE PHONE RINGING Ooh! My agent.

Hello?

Sorry, Anna, you didn't get the part.

Oh, OK. Any feedback?

You're just not very good.

OK, thank you, I forgot. Goodbye.

LAUGHTER

EERIE WAILING

Yes, they get the idea, my love.

So, I'd like to leave you now, my loves, with a little poem

that helps me when I'm really down. Erm, it's called Desiderata.

Erm, it's a very old poem. It's written by some monk, ages ago.

BRUCE WHISPERS Er... Bruce Wayne! Shh! Please.

It's a very good poem. Erm, it's helped me.

BRUCE WHISPERS Maybe, pig, it will help you.

Here we go. Hey, seriously!

Herman.

Go placidly Amid the noise and the haste.

BRUCE WHISPERS

And remember what peace There is in silence.

Will you cunts shut up?

Will you? Will you shut up, please? I'm sick of it!

Will you shut up, Herman?

Will you shut up, Bruce Wayne?

Oh, yeah! Not now!

LAUGHTER

I'm sick of this! I'm working my arse off all day,

you just natter there!

I'm trying to put on this show. It's at five o'clock!

No-one's even drunk, come on!

What the fuck are we doing here?

Jesus!

All I wanted to do this year was something special, you know,

with my new show. Something broad. Something for everyone.

For the whole world! I didn't want to be weird and dark.

I just want to get on ITV!

LAUGHTER

I guess Anna Mann's no good for that sort of show.

I guess all Anna Mann is good for

is A Sketch Show For Depressives.

It's the title. It's the titl... Thank you very much.

AUDIENCE CHEERING Very clever... Thank you.

Thank you. Very clever.

No. No. No. No.

Shh. No. No. No.

The whole... Yes. No, it's actually very clever.

Erm, no, the whole thing's been a play.

It's actually very, very clever.

Don't look back, don't try and work it out, but trust me,

it all... it all fits, you know?

Erm, so, finally...

Er, has this show cured you of depression?

No.

But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

You know, one thing we all agreed in the therapy group

was, despite the pain and horror of our experience...

"Crabs in my eyes!"

Despite that, we all felt stronger and better for it.

You know, before I came to accept my depression,

I was a real vicious little tit.

Mean to friends, angry at lovers, jealous of my peers.

I remember once glassing Sue Clinch just for getting a Hovis ad.

LAUGHTER

But since I came to accept myself, I am so much better.

But it's so much more difficult for you, the little people.

You don't have this moment of reflection.

Daily, the info chimps throw their shit in your eyes, don't they?

You know what I mean?

"Don't eat that, you'll get fat!"

"Don't drink that, you'll become really small!" You know.

LAUGHTER

"Wear this, everyone will like you!"

"Don't wear that, Anna. You look like a bee."

Till, finally, you retreat up into the attic room of your mind,

you lock the door, you sit there,

eyes turned inward, buzzing like some sort of angry hornet.

So, my advice is simple.

Slow down, and look out.

I guess that's what this show's all been about.

LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING

TRAIN HOOTING

Yes.

ALL CHUCKLING

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes, very clever. Yes. ANNA CHUCKLES

I still don't get it.

But, you know, maybe the answer's just to pretend you do,

see what happens.

You might get what you want, after all.

ANNA LAUGHS Very good, yes!

Did you get it? Can you explain it to us?

Oh, no, darlings, I don't get it. I haven't got a clue.

We don't get it, either.

ANNA LAUGHS What a piece of shit!

LAUGHTER

It's just a little train going round and round.

It doesn't mean anything!

Choo-choo!

ALL LAUGHING

LAUGHTER

BOTH GRUNTING

Good night, everybody!

APPLAUSE

Every time!

LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. To the boys.

You, you, you. Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com