All language subtitles for 1.Night.in.San.Diego.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x265-[V.6.]-eng

[V.6.]

Ugh! God, just shit already, Belbo.

Jesus Christ.

Fuck!

-Hi, Mom.
-Oh, honey bun.

We haven't heard from you in days.

Daddy and I were starting
to get worried.

What do you mean?
I literally texted you last night.

Well, not this morning.

Fox Newsis saying that
there's all these gangbangers

out in California like that Cript gang.

Um, it's the "Crip" gang, Mom,

and I live in the Hollywood Hills,

so we don't see many of them around here.

Have you found a job yet, sweetie?

Because we didn't
pay for you to move to LA

just so you could sit around
and drink Bloody Marys all day long.

Uh, Mom.

Mom, hang... Hang on one second.

Why? What's happening?

-What is... Is it a drive-by?
-Mom. Mom!

Just hold on. Hold on for one... Fuck.

Fuck me!

-Hello?
-God damn it.

Who the hell are you
talking to on the other line?

What do you want, Damon?

I tried calling you last night,
seven times.

You didn't answer, of course,
so I'm just assuming

you were out partying somewhere.

I went to bed early.

I'm still not used to the time difference.

Time difference?

You've lived here for two weeks, Hannah.

God, Jersey girls are all the same.

Just how many girls have
you dated from Jersey, anyway?

And what county are we talking about?

Morris, Bergen, Essex?

If you say Monmouth County,
I swear to God I'll kill myself.

You can't trust people from Jersey...

Hey, Hannah. What's up?

Oh, hey, Teddy. What's up?

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Bet you don't get this weather
back east, right?

Well, I'll see you around.

DAMON: [ON PHONE] Hello!

Hello! Fucking
answer me, woman!

-Who the hell are you talking to now?
-What? Oh, it...

No, it was just the recycling guy.

Do you think I'm some sort
of idiot, Hannah?

They pick up trash on Thursdays.
It's Tuesday.

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

-I'll have to call you back.
-This is why I don't trust you.

[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]

Maybe we can switch positions?

Um, sure.

I feel so...

I feel so close to you.

Mmm-hmm. Just breathe.

Remember, what lies behind us

and what lies in front of us

are tiny matters compared to what lies
within us.

-Oh, that's beautiful.
-Yes.

If we're always chasing after
the next moment,

how can we ever enjoy
the one that we're in?

Just think about that and breathe deeply.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Mmm.

You know what?
This is very relaxing.

Mmm-hmm, yeah.

-Um... that's...
-Oh!

Um... It's okay. Let's just
maybe switch positions

to the horizontal lotus.

Sorry, that's not supposed to happen.

No, no, please.
Let's just shift our aura

to a more platonic one.

I just think you're
really good at what you do.

And I... I feel like you get me.

This happens to
a lot of my clients, honestly.

We call it a breakthrough moment.

It is?

That's what you learned
in medical school?

Um, well, no,

but I did study Deepak Chopra.

His online courses are the tits.

Deepak Chopra...

Okay, just breathe and repeat after me...

I am in control of my emotions...

I am in control of my emotions.

And today I choose happiness.

Today I choose happiness!

[CRYING]

Okay, um...
Just close your eyes and breathe.

We must be willing to let go
of the life that we have planned

so as to have the life
that is waiting for us.

When we let go,
we create space for something better.

[MAN PANTING]

That's so right.

But I just can't believe she left me.

I'll never have
an intimate connection again.

That's not true.

I'm sure there's plenty of women out there

you could have
an intimate connection with.

Yeah?

I don't know any, but I'm sure
they're out there.

Tissue?

Thank you.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Brooklyn, you're not even gonna believe

what happened to me just now.

I can come back...
-No, no!

Our session was just ending.

Yeah. Wait, what? It is?

-Yes, it is.
-Just like my marriage.

Now, if you refer a friend,

you will get your tenth visit half-off.

-Oh, thank you.
-You can exit through the kitchen.

Please be sure
to lock the gate behind you

because we have a dog.

Thank you so much. You're like an angel.

Oh, I know. Go ahead.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

If you could drop this off
on your way out,

that'd be really helpful.

Thanks, sweetie. Bye-bye.

And good luck.

-Good luck.
-Bye, now.

Dude, what the fuck?

I know! $200.

I already paid for my business cards

and three coffees from Starbucks.

What the fuck is
a conscious cuddle, anyway?

A safe way to make money
from home, Hannah.

So is Mary Kay.

I don't know what that is.

What is that? Is that a Jersey thing?

Are you in the position
to be giving spiritual advice?

Because you don't believe in God

and your therapist says
you're one step away

from being a fully-fledged sociopath.

A week ago, the old Brooklyn
would have hit a bitch

for talking to me like that...

But I live in LA now and I'm spiritual.

So I'm just going to kindly ask you

to go into the kitchen
and make me that fat toast

I like so much with the avocados.

Spiritually shut the door
on your way out, too.

Namaste.

-Meow.
-Isn't what you're doing

kind of like escorting?

Isn't there supposed to be avocado on this?

Look, there's nothing sexual about it.

If anyone gets creepy with me,

I have a taser in my night stand

right by my vibrator.

That sounds safe.

No. No.

Oh, fuck, no.

Where are all the quality guys
on this thing?

It says they're all actors
and entrepreneurs and shit.

Well, "entrepreneur"
doesn't sound so bad.

"Entrepreneur" means
unemployed or drug dealer, Hannah.

Considering you just broke off
your engagement two months ago,

do you really think you need to be on
any more dating apps?

Says the girl with the terrible,
jealous, judgmental boyfriend.

Besides, I'm the one who ended it,

and I'm totally okay.

Moving on to bigger and better things.

Like "conscious cuddling"?

I'm just saying,
we've only lived here for two weeks

and already there's Rob the bartender,

Roberto the club promoter,

Chad the skateboarder,

and Bob the stand-up comedian.

I mean, if you do the math,

that's three Robs and a Chad.

Would you like me to continue?

You're right.

Total fucking losers.

That's why I need to get on Raya.

Raya... The dating app for celebrities.

Kira met Matthew Perry on that thing.

But you're not a celebrity.

I have almost 6,000 followers
on Instagram, Hannah.

I'm an influencer.

Well, it sounds like you're really
"breaking the Internet."

Thank you. Instagram followers
aren't cheap.

-[FARTS SOFTLY]
-[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

It smells like sh-dookie in here.

Well, if you took the dog
on more walks,

we wouldn't be sitting in his toilet.

I walk.

Going to take selfies at
Runyon doesn't count, Brooklyn.

I'm going to make food.

I feel like we're always eating.

Basically.

Okay, well, just remember that
I can't have gluten, dairy or meat.

Oh, I see. Chef Hannah at your service.

Well, I would offer to help you,

but we both know that the only thing
I have control over in the kitchen

is the fire extinguisher. So...

-[GASPS]
-[PHONE DINGS]

-Oh, my God!
-What?

-Fucking brace yourself.
-What?

-It's Christian.
-What?

Christian! Our high school PE coach.

The one everyone was in love with?

Yes. Oh, my God.

Do you remember when we met him?

You just decided to commute
from Jersey,

and I had just transferred from that
ratchet all-girls cunt academy.

I remember.
You just matched with him?

Yeah. Holy shit.

I guess that means he lives here now.

-Mmm.
-Weird.

Did you even do PE, though?

I thought you got a note excusing you

-because you practiced Reiki.

He messaged me.

[SHRIEKS]

Okay, I'm not going to
respond right away

because I want to not look desperate.

Yeah, that's smart.

Okay, what do I say?

I don't want to look desperate,

so I was thinking...

Oh, yeah, that's playing it real cool.

Ah, he already responded.

Be a doll and grab the Pinot.

I probably shouldn't drink.

You know Damon thinks
I'm super annoying when I'm drunk.

Pretty soon you're not even
going to be able

to take a shit without checking in

with Probation Officer Damon.

That is not true.

I shit when I want.

It's a little twisted
you still use these.

It's a little twisted
you only open one bottle.

-[PHONE DINGS]
-Ah!

He invited us
to go to San Diego...

Or he invited me,
but you're coming.

Because you don't have
a driver's license?

I do. I just forgot to pay
those parking tickets.

Ah, because you're
irresponsible, then.

Jesus Christ, why are you
always such a buzzkill?

What's in San Diego?

I should stay here
and try and look for a job.

They don't just hand out
production jobs, B.

And my parents
are really riding my ass.

I really don't want to
end up in reality again.

[GULPS]

-"Catch up."
-What kind of event
is this exactly?

Who the fuck cares?
It's Comic Con.

And I'm pretty sure
"catch up" is a euphemism
for dirty sex.

Or maybe he really does
just wanna catch up.

This thing is
literally tomorrow

and I don't think that Damon
would appreciate it

if I just left
without saying anything.

Great. We'll rent a car.
We'll leave tomorrow.

This is gonna be
the most epic road trip ever.

It's like our
Romy and Michele Tucson
"here we come," moment.

Don't you have
to work, anyway?

Bitch, please.

I'm a freelance
cuddle consultant.

I make my own schedule.

Ugh.

We're going.

This could be
the future father
of my children.

Or at least the dog.

I'm not getting any younger.

I really don't think
this is a good idea.

Plus, Comic Con?

You said that Marvel movies
give you anxiety.

Not the ones
with Chris Hemsworth.

Hello, Daddy.

I wonder
if he's on Raya.

He's married.

So?

[MUZAK PLAYING]

[TYPING]

Welcome to DUI's car rental.
How can I help you today?

Hello. We'd like to rent
a car, please.

I can definitely help you.

-Do you have a reservation?
-No.

But I'm sure we can
figure something out.

[LAUGHS] I'll see
what I can do for you.

Thanks.

[GASPS]

What the fuck, Hannah?

What happened to you?

Well, I thought I was
looking a little pale,

so I went and got one of
those airbrush tans.

Okay. You look like
a black Rosie Perez

or the guy from
The Jazz Singer.

Clearly. It's gonna wash off
in the shower in two hours,

and then it'll look great.

It fucking better.
I'm so sorry.

[MOCKINGLY]
Here's your Venti matcha.

Almond milk?

Do I look like an idiot?

-Is that a legitimate question
right now?
-Yes, it's almond milk.

Not everyone is trying to
poison you, Brooklyn.

You know I have bad IBS.

I have one car left.

-BROOKLYN: We'll take it.
-Great.

I'm hoping it's a Mustang.

-How cute would we look
in a Mustang?
-We need an SUV.

We need to be up high,
I'm little.

What about, like, a Cadillac?

-Okay.
-Or like an Escalade.

Whatever's classy.

Escalade's great.

I just don't want to
roll up in something janky.

It better be something nice.

[GROANS]

I don't think
this is almond milk.

Where the hell is this guy?

I feel like
I'm fucking melting out here.

[BOTH GASP]

You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

[HORROR MUSIC PLAYING]

Absolutely not.

I'm not getting in it. No.

Your chariot awaits.

No.

-[DOOR CLOSES]
-What happened
to the handle?

Just grab the one
inside the door.

Give me the keys.

Oopsies.

I have to shower
or I'm gonna get
stuck looking like this.

We have to get in
that house.

Oh, fine.

I'll just hop the fence
and let you in from inside.

It's not my fault
your Range Rover's
on a flatbed truck

just now
approaching Nebraska.

Now we have to ride
in this piece of shit rental
with no air conditioning.

Okay, next time
we'll take your car.

Oh, right.
You don't have one.

So, if you have
nothing further to say,

I'm about to parkour my way
into the house for you.

-[BROOKLYN GRUNTS ANGRILY]
-[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

-Hey.
-Oh, hey, Teddy.

Hey, Hannah. I didn't know
you had a RAV4...

-with no AC.
-It's a rental.

Um, my Rover is late
from New York.

-I'm suing.
-Right on.

It's kind of like that
Kanye song, am I right?

-Huh?
-"...push a RAV4."

"RAV4..."
Something, something.

Oh, the RAV4. Right, right.

-Yeah.
-Where you all going?

Oh, just to San Diego
for Comic Con for the night.

It's a casual getaway.

Oh, dope. I always wanted
to go to that,

but never could
get away from work.

-Mmm.
-I mean, I love
all, like, the costumes...

Yeah. It should be
pretty fun.

We're pretty excited.

-There's...
-Come on, cunt.

We got to get your ass
in the shower, get our junk
in the trunk,

and I have to take a regular
milk-shit, you liar.

I knew that wasn't
almond milk.

-Hey, Teddy.
-Hey, Brooklyn.

Classy as always, huh?

[SARCASTICALLY]
It is so good to see you.

And in something other than
a Tommy Bahama shirt,
nonetheless.

Although I'm pretty sure
the courts require you

-to wear that monitor
on your ankle.
-[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Well, Hannah,
I'm gonna get running,

but, uh... it was good
to see you.

Good to see you.

BROOKLYN: Okay, so we have
about four hours
till the show starts.

That gives us enough time
to go to the hotel,

power change, power drink,
power up our cell phones

and get there
with enough time to pre-game.

-Where we staying, anyway?
-[ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO]

I don't know. It's this hotel
I found on HotelTonight,

but it actually looks
pretty nice.

There is a private bathroom
and a luxury hot tub.

Aw, all right. Maybe this will
actually be kind of fun.

I think so.

[GASPS] Do you remember
this song from high school?

-Hell, yes.
-Oh, my God. Turn it up.

♪ Oh, how she rocks

♪ In Keds and tube socks

Oh! I should snap this
for my followers.

♪ But she doesn't know
who I am

♪ And she doesn't give
a damn about me

♪ 'Cause I'm just
a teenage dirtbag, baby

♪ Yeah, I'm just
a teenage dirtbag, baby

♪ Listen to Iron Maiden, baby
With me

♪ Ooh

BROOKLYN: Okay.

This is perfect.

Kira Matthews took a photo
here and she got 3,000 likes

and I have better engagement
than she does.

I really have to pee.

Is there a bathroom
around here somewhere?

It's the perfect midway.
It screams,

"I'm on a fucking road trip,
bitches."

Can't we just enjoy
the scenery instead of plotting

-your next Instagram photo?
-Here.

Just be sure to get me
from a good angle, would you?

No, not low to high.
High to low! High to low.

You're gonna make me
look like a fucking whale.

Facetune can only do so much.

Like that?

Um, could you get on my
side, my right side?

And get the mountain
in the background.

Also hurry,
'cause I'm sucking in.

Well, if you would
fucking stop talking
so I could take

the goddamn photo
and find a fucking bathroom

that would be great.
Thank you.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

How's it look?

Uh, just a couple more.

And do not get that car
in the background.

I don't want anyone thinking
I drive that.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Okay. Got it. Took
approximately 250 photos,

so you should find one
you like.

Sh-weet!

All right,
back in the car we go.

We gotta get there
and you're driving really slow.

You gotta pump on the gas.

Um... But the bathroom?
And by the way,

it's called safe driving.

My driver's ed teacher
used to say,

"Alert today,
alive tomorrow."

Just trying to keep us alive.

[SCOFFS]
Whatever, Driving Miss Daisy.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

BROOKLYN: This is it.

Hmmm. It looked better online.

We'll see.

We're here.

BROOKLYN: Okay, quick.
I don't want him to see us.

We made it. [SIGHS]

Thank you.

[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

This looks like
a six-year-old's bedroom.

Or an obnoxious European man
with a man bun

who vacations in South Beach
and wears a gold chain
over his hairy chest.

Okay.

Hello.

So, you just be
two luscious ladies, huh?

One night in San Diego,
correct?

Uh-huh.

Is the whole hotel like this?

Like what?

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
Goat fucker!

Bad news. We have
a small cleanup issue
in your room.

The "ceiling" caved in.

The good news is,
I'm going to upgrade you, eh?

To our celebrity suite.

Ooh!

What makes it
a celebrity suite?

It's the best room
in the hotel.

HANNAH:
It's so dark in here.
I can't see anything.

BROOKLYN: [SIGHS]
Open a window.

-[THUDS]
-HANNAH: What the fuck?

I just banged
my fucking toe!

-God damn it!
-[BROOKLYN CHUCKLES]

HANNAH: Oh!

[GASPS]

[GROANS]

Oh, no.

Ew.

-No.
-What is this?

No. No!

-No!
-[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HANNAH: Ew.

Oh, hello.

Here are two complementary
welcome glasses of Prosecco.

Mmm. Thank you.

If there's anything else
you need,

please don't hesitate
to come downstairs and grab it.

-Gee, thanks.
-[SPITS]

[GASPS]

Have a sexy stay with us.

Ugh!

Oh, God.

Ugh!

[PHONE VIBRATING]

Damon?

Ugh, yeah. But I'm
not gonna answer it.

He's just gonna yell at me
for something I didn't do.

I swear
I'm a pretty good girlfriend.

You know what?
This is bullshit.

You guys have been dating
for, like, two months,

and most of it has been
long distance.

This is supposed to be
the honeymoon phase.

I know.

Ugh. I should say something,
literally anything.

What's the name of the thing
you were here to see?

You know, you should
really be with someone
who's not so controlling.

Says the most
controlling person I know.

I resent that.

-[SPITS]
-[GASPS]

Law and Justice SVU,
the unauthorized
parody musical?

Are you fucking serious,
Brooklyn?

But you love Law and Justice.

It's your ringtone.

Yeah, for when
my mom calls.
That doesn't mean I like it.

She reminds me
of a prosecutor,

cross-examining me
all the fucking time.

Well, at least there's a bar.
That's a good sign.

[HANNAH SIGHS]

Kids today,
they don't appreciate
the classics, man.

Totally, man.

[BROOKLYN CLEARS THROAT]

Do you guys have tickets?

I mean, you don't need tickets

because it's definitely
not sold out,

but if you have tickets,

my boss likes me
to mark it down.

Okay, we should be
on Christian Jones' list.

Okay. Go on in and find a seat.

Wait, there's not, like,
reserved seating?

No, man. Just grab
a free seat.

Okay, well, where is the bar?

Oh, look, Hannah, they have
your favorite, Bloody Mary.

I love Bloody Marys!
Yes.

Fine, I guess I'll have one.

I mean, I can't pass up
a $5 Bloody Mary.

I know.
Two Bloody Marys, please.

Um, are you sure you don't...
You don't want four?

Four? Double fisting?

I like the way you think.

Four Bloody Marys, please.

Friends are coming, so...

We thought we'd get
some for our friends.

They're not coming.

Want a wiener in your drink?

Okay, that's disgusting.
You're gonna have to
pay for that.

-[GAGGING] Oh!
-[LAUGHS]

Oh, good. There's people here.

-HANNAH: Yeah, shocking.
-[MAN COUGHING]

Looks like everyone in here
is missing a chromosome.

BROOKLYN: Shh, be nice.

-Grab a seat, would ya?
-HANNAH: This row?

Yeah, that looks good.

Well, no cup holders.

They couldn't afford
colored programs?

I thought this was
a part of Comic Con.

It's supposed to be.

I don't know, maybe it is.
Maybe they just cut costs.

Oh, yeah,
and they used all their cash
on a seating chart

and special effects team.

In fact, I may Yelp about it.

It's not that bad.

It's a no for me, dawg. Ugh!

I'm really gonna need
these Bloody Marys.

Oh! I found his name
in the program. Look.

"Christian Jones,
Detective Stabbler.

"In his free time,
Christian likes to explore
his passion for song

"and grooving to Nickelback

"with his goldendoodle
James Taylor."

Ah, that's so cute.

You know, if he has a pet,

that means he's good
at relationships.

-If he's good at relationships.
-Boy.

Did you say Nickelback?

I literally unfriended anybody
who like them on Facebook.

Admitting you like them is like
admitting you like Donald Trump.

It's social suicide.

And why is the "S"
in "song" capitalized?

Shh. It's starting.

[SARCASTICALLY]
Wow, I can hardly contain
my excitement.

Perhaps later you would
like to reminisce

about 3 Doors Down
or Creed maybe.

I like Creed.

[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]

[LIGHT SWITCH SNAPS ON]

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Hear ye, hear ye!

It's been a long journey
back from the countryside

where I was taking a trip.

I took a good old Greyhound
up to New York City

where the crime rate is high,

and the apartment rentals
are pretty darn steep.

It's like the Oregon Trail
brought before my very eyes.

-[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
-It was there that I came across
the most valuable players

in the criminal justice system.

These...

are their stories.

-[GUN COCKS]
-[GUNSHOT]

[GASPS]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[VAUDEVILLE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ What makes a victim special?

♪ Gives you that extra pizzazz!

-♪ Are you elderly?
-♪ Disabled

-♪ Or a child?
-♪ That's cool

♪ Were you murdered
by a psycho?

♪ Or Sanduskied at your school

♪ Nauseating crimes
are what we do

♪ It's Law and Justice

♪ SVU

♪ The musical!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪ Rape kit, rape kit

♪ What secrets do you carry?

♪ Anal swabs
or napkin sanitaries

HANNAH: Aren't we
supposed to laugh?

♪ Would help
lock up this demon?

♪ Oh, rape kit

♪ Please come through

♪ Rape kit

♪ I love you

BROOKLYN: It's all right.

HANNAH: How come no one else
is laughing?

♪ I keep on telling you

♪ I'm really not your guy, bro

♪ Let's say I believe you, son

♪ But tell me
how'd she die, though?

♪ I didn't even know her
so of course
I didn't shoot her

♪ Good story, pal

♪ But your splooge
was in her kooter

♪ Your splooge

♪ Was in her kooter

♪ Your splooge

♪ Was in her kooter

♪ Your splooge

♪ Was in her kooter

♪ Splooge

♪ Kooter

-Answer, boys!
-[LAUGHING]

[MAN SHUSHING]

If you fucking shush me again,

I'll push you
in the fucking ocean.

-WOMAN: Do the perp walk.
-BROOKLYN: I hate people...

-Oh, my God.
-[BOTH LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

♪ Law and justice
Law and justice

♪ Law and justice

♪ Law and justice

♪ SVU

♪ The end!

Jesus, that was the longest
ten hours of my life.

Thank God
for those Bloody Marys.

-I could really use a cigarette.
-[SIGHS]

And in all actuality,
I'm pretty sure that was
only like an hour.

-Time off for good behavior?
-[CHUCKLES]

Um, excuse me, do you have
any cigarettes?

Ew, guess not.

Oh, God, that's nasty.

Maybe he's trying
to help the environment
like Leo.

Stripping the streets
of San Diego

one cigarette butt at a time.

Hmm. Just to be clear,

I would totally smoke
Leo's butt.

-I'll bet.
-I didn't mean it like that.

Good tidings,
fellow theater-goers.

Do either of you happen
to have a cigarette

we could bum, perchance?

Why are you talking
like the old man in the play?

I don't know, I feel like
I have to talk like them.

-They can hear you.
-We don't smoke.

No, you know what?
I might, actually.

Um, I confiscated some
at school earlier.

Yeah.

Thank you, good sir.

Are you a student or a teacher?

Do you need a hall pass?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I... I teach science.

Yeah. And he just got out.

Of prison?

The marines, actually.

Two tours in Iraq, one in Syria.

Oh, wow.

Um, apologies on behalf
of my friend here.

And we thank you
for your service.

Thank you.

Semper fi.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

Hmm. [CLEARS THROAT]

Cool backpack.

Uh, yeah. Thanks.

They were giving them out
at the Kanye vs. Predator
exhibit. You guys going?

Oh, yeah. My friend's
in the show.

He plays Detective Stabbler.

He'll probably hook us up
with some passes.

What? That's so cool.

You guys know
someone from the show?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

So what are you guys
supposed to be anyway?

-Oh, uh...
-You go first.

Yeah? All right. Well.

-[BELL DINGLES]
-I'm Septa Unella.

From Game of Thrones.

-[BELL JINGLES]
-Shame!

Shame!

Shame!

Shame!

Sha... It's a character
from Game of Thrones.

And I'm Hodor...

Holding Bran.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, how clever!

Well...

Yeah.

-Thank you.
-Mmm-hmm.

Are you girls models, or...

Oh, I'm actually what people
would call an influencer,

which basically means
I'm famous.

But I also do a blog
and styling.

My passion is screenwriting,
but I cook and I have a podcast.

-I have a lot of talents.
-Wow.

What do you do
for money, though?

Mom? Mom? Are you there?

I'm a conscious cuddler.

Basically, I take people

who've experienced
high levels of trauma

and I cuddle
the shit out of them.

And I'm empathetic
and shit like that.

It's actually quite lucrative.

Does it work for PTSD?

Oh, yeah. I get
all kinds of weirdos.

Um, what about you?

We just moved from New York
two weeks ago.

She's a former reality starlet
turned aspiring film producer.

Wow, what show?

Um, I don't really wanna
talk about it.

It's called
the Parsippany-Troy Hills.

It's basically
like Jersey Shore,

but it's set out of
a flip flop shop in Parsippany.

Just to be clear,
I'm not from Parsippany.

[GASPS] Hi!

Brooklyn.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
I almost didn't see you.

I was so busy talking
to my new friends.

It's so great to see you.
What did you think of the show?

I loved the show.
The show was... [STAMMERING]

-Amazing. Right, Hannah?
-Mmm!

You remember Hannah?

I think so. You ladies were
in the same class in LaGuardia.

-Hmm.
-Yeah.

So, what was your
favorite part of the show?

Oh, definitely
the Japanese water torture.

Chinese.

-Oh.
-It was Chinese.

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Chinese water torture.

And then they started singing
about sexual assault.

It's such a powerful topic.

Yeah, "torture" is definitely
a word that came to mind.

You know, that's
one of my favorite scenes.

It really makes you feel...

You know what I mean?

BROOKLYN: Yeah.
CHRISTIAN: Hannah,
what about you?

What was your favorite part
of my performance?

I... There's just so many,
I don't know
that I could tell you.

I know, right? But pick one.

Yeah, Hannah, pick one!

Well, I really loved the part
where you and the lady cop

sang about friendship
in the workplace.

I wish I had friends at work.

Oh, and Splooge in her Kooter
was a great song.

-Yes.
-Yeah.

You know, I've always thought
police officers were so...

Sexy and powerful.

Great show, Christian.

CHRISTIAN: Thanks, Treasure,
so good to see you.

I'm gonna wait inside
and get something from the bar.

I think that's a great idea.

I'll be in in just a minute.

I'm just saying hello
to some old friends.

'Kay.

'Kay.

Hey, you guys wanna hear
some Law and Justicehumor?

Hey, you know what, I'm sorry,

I actually have to
go back in and strike,

tonight being
our last show and all.

Why don't you ladies pop in
for a quick drink

if you're finished talking
with these fine gents.

-Yeah, sounds like a plan.
-All right.

-All right, excuse me.
-All right.

-All right.
-Okay.

Okay.

Last show? I thought
this was the only show.

[SHUSHING]

Don't fuck this up for me
with your negativity.

You know what?
We actually have to go.

Tomorrow we've got
some latex to set,

and it takes so...
It's a process.

Maybe we'll see you guys there.

-Maybe.
-Yeah, yeah. For sure.

All right. Okay.

You know what? Uh, you should
have the backpack.

-You should have it.
-Oh, no.

'Cause it'll look better on you.

And they're giving out a...
They're giving out a ton...

Oh, you know, I don't need that.

-I don't need it.
-No, I insist.

I'll take the backpack.

-Take the backpack.
-Thank you.

CHRISTIAN: No. No, big deal.

-Thanks. See ya.
-CHRISTIAN: All right.

What? She... She looked like
she wanted it.

BROOKLYN: That's
fucking hideous.

It's fucking rad and I like it.

You put me through this shit,
I get the backpack.

[GASPS] Hey, Mr. Bartender.

Hey. Well, I don't have
much left in terms of drinks.

But I can make you ladies
a couple double vodka Red Bulls.

Sounds good to me.

You know that stuff
makes us a little wild.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Chindon.

Salud.

Mazel tov!

You know, I'm so stoked
you ladies enjoyed the show.

As you know, I've been
acting in film for a while,

but I feel like now the theater
is calling my name.

Oh, yeah. Sounds like it.

It's like when I was playing
assassin number two
in Tower Heist.

Ben Stiller turned to me
and he said,

"I bet you'd be great
in the theater."

Oh, my goodness,
that's impressive.

Right? It's like...

♪ When you've been
given the gift

♪ Of song

♪ It seems so wrong...

Not to be bestow it
upon the people.

Ben Stiller knows.

It takes talent
to recognize talent.

Totally.

Are we really talking
about Zoolander right now?

Can he even sing?

Well, feel free
to finish your drinks.

And I hope you ladies
enjoy San Diego.

Oh, so you're taking off?

That's a shocker. [CHUCKLES]

Well, you know,
few of the fellas

and valued cast members
are going out on this yacht.

I would invite you ladies,
I really would, but there
just... Just isn't room.

Oh. That's fine, I guess.

Yeah, sounds like space would be
really tight on a yacht.

Yes. Treasure's ex-husband
owns it.

He's a bigwig at Google.

Sounds positively teensy.

But you're gonna get us passes
to Comic Con, right?

-And we'll see you later, right?
-Possibly.

My plans are a little up
in the air right now,

but I gotta spend
a little time
with the Law and Justicefam.

In regards to the passes
for the convention center...

I'd get you passes,
I really would, but the truth is

I don't have any,
because technically...

This isn't a Comic Con event.

[SNORTS] No shit.

So, you're just gonna leave?

Oh, no, I'm gonna
finish this drink,

and then I'm gonna leave.

So, what you're saying is
you don't have passes

and we drove three hours
to technically not go
to Comic Con?

So great to see you ladies.

Oh, and you know,
I'm up for the dad

in Dirty Dancing: The Musical.

And it's a national tour,
so I'm gonna be pretty...

I'm gonna be pretty busy.

But hopefully,
we can reconnect in LA,

and maybe I can get you in
for a rehearsal.

I mean, like, nobody puts baby
in a corner, right? [CHUCKLING]

Yeah, sure.

Be safe.

Bye...

Uh...

Hmm.

BROOKLYN: Can you believe
that fucking guy?

"There's not enough room
on a yacht."

You gotta be joking.

HANNAH: Well, at least we got
this dope-ass backpack now.

I feel like I'm one of them.

A nerd, Brooklyn,
I'm blending in.

I love it!

BROOKLYN: Like, what are we
supposed to do now?

I drove three and a half hours
for me not to get a boyfriend,

and not to get fucked.

Like he was ever gonna be
your boyfriend.

He's just some loser PE teacher
who played

assassin number something
in some movie
that nobody ever saw.

Well, actually, now
that I think about it,

Damon and I saw it, and I
don't recall him being in it.

But that's not the point.

You were probably too busy
sucking his dick to notice.

He could've been my boyfriend.

He was giving me
all the right signals.

He was flirting with me...
Like, do I look bad?

No. Jesus!

Why is this always about you?

We look hot, and we didn't come
all this fucking way

to sit on our asses
with the cast

of some shitty parody musical

that shouldn't even be
a musical.

I mean, who sings songs
about rape kits?

Who writes this shit?

I guess you're right.

Well, what do
you wanna do, then?

I don't really wanna go back
to our bum hotel.

Let's get white girl wasted.

Fuck these losers,
fuck these stupid men.

They're a waste of our time.

This is all about
female empowerment!

Wow, you're bordering
out of control.

It's like I'm looking
in the mirror,
and I'm seeing myself.

And?

I kinda like it.

MAN: [RAPPING]
♪ Hey, yo, we party
like a Jenner

♪ I pulled her off of Tinder
Was a hot girl summer

♪ It's a bad bitch winner

♪ I'm a cute boy
You see me

♪ Flirt with the Yeezys

♪ Like the way you tease me

♪ I'mma hate it
when you leave me

♪ Here's the new martini

♪ What'd you say your name was?

♪ Only thing we got in common

♪ Really is the same buzz

♪ What a struggle

♪ We might get in trouble

♪ I'm playing games
like a puzzle

♪ She getting paid
just to cuddle

♪ While I'm young

♪ I'm drunk in the city
with the angels

♪ And she tryna get these jeans

♪ So make sure
you hit the angles

♪ Hot, el fuego
We dippin' like it's queso

♪ You do what I say so
Might fuck around
in San Diego... ♪

Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me.

HANNAH: There's a list guy.

Oh, please, I got this.

I love your outfit.

You have sensational style.

I don't think he's gonna
let us in, Brooklyn.

Maybe we should go
somewhere else.

Of course he will.
I love the gays.

All my best friends are gay.

I was on the Kiehl's
Gay Pride float

for the past four years
in a row, Hannah.

I'm basically
an honorary gay man.

Whatever you say.

Can I help you?

Hi! Yes.

There are two of us.

Are you a model?

I swear I've seen you before.

Maybe Twist in Miami?

Yeah, you two need to
get in line. Thanks.

And you can't
bring that in here.

Because it may
contain contraband?

Mmm-hmm, because it's hideous.

But it was a gift to us.

Kind sir, what is your name?

Reggie.

Reggie, we drove
all the way from Los Angeles

to go on a date with a guy
who basically ditched us.

I just wanna go in there
and charge my phone.

Fine. Whatever.

Just see the cashier
on your left.

Cashier?

We have to pay?

[CHUCKLES] No. I think
you misunderstood.

I think it's a $10 cover. Each.

Ten dollars?

Dude, come on. I don't wanna
keep walking around.

My feet are starting to hurt.

But, sir,

or... [CLAPS] Reggie.

I've never paid to enter
any premises in my entire life.

Usually people pay me
for my presence.

I'm an influencer.

Okay, that might work
in Los Angeles, ma'am,

but this is San Diego.

"Ma'am"?

How old do you think I am?

We're basically the same age!

Okay. [LAUGHS]

-Ugh!
-What's up, Reg?

Hey, Ramon, how are you doing?

You looking all flawed, man!

Looking all Versace Hachi
right there, man.

Stop it. Oh, my God. [PURRS]

Oh, you shut up, man.

Yo, these lovely ladies
are with us.

You know I got tables.

Hey, anything for you, Ramon.

-You ready to go?
-BROOKLYN: Uh-huh.

Do you see that?

He called us "girls."

I'm not a "ma'am." I'm not old!

See if I see you on
the Kiehl's float next year.

Hey, get inside
before I change my mind, ma'am.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

What the fuck
are these people on?

Whatever it is, I hope
it makes them better looking.

No wonder they have
that guy outside.

It's false advertising.

Yo, so many honeys
in this spot tonight.

And we landed the baddest two
looking right here.

Oh!

Unbelievable!

Let me introduce you
to my crew.

This is Charlie,

that's Tony Montana,

that's TJ,

and that's my boy, Playboy Adam.

Hi.

Ugh.

RAMON: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

-Load it up, load it up.
-[RETCHES]

I feel better.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey.

Hey. Hi!

HANNAH: Hi!

I'm so sorry, I know
this is, like, so random,

but are you Hannah,

from the Parsippany-Troy Hills?

Oh, yeah. That's me.

Yeah! Oh, my God, I told you!

I told you it was her.

Um, I'm Kelsey,
and this is my BFF, Delia.

And we're like...

We're like... We're huge fans.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I'm Hannah, obviously.

And that's
my best friend Brooklyn.

Oh, my God, hi!

So, you're not based
in New Jersey?

No, not anymore.

We moved here officially
from New York
a couple weeks ago.

I'm getting into other sides
of production,

and she's a blogger
and a screenwriter.

Influencer.

Awesome! You go, girl.

That is so cool!

Ladies, why don't you all come
join me and my boys?

We have a ton of room.
Y'all can drink from my bottle.

-What are you, like, a promoter?
-Promoter?

I'm an entrepreneur, baby.

God, no, this is good.

Entrepreneur?

RAMON: Entrepreneur.

Hey, so, can your friend
take a photo of us?

I really... I wanna post it
on the 'Gram.

-Sure.
-Oh, great. Great.

Okay.

[FLATLY] Say cheese!

Parsippany Hills!
[LAUGHING]

Cool?

-Oh, my God, it's so good!
-Right?

Maybe we can all take one
together, actually.

Hashtag "more beautiful
in person"?

I think actually
hashtag "new best friend."

Yay! Oh, my God,
we're like besties now.

Aren't you gonna introduce us
to your friends?

Those aren't our friends.

I'm Kelsey and this is Delia.

Um, hey, look.

I'm sorry, I know
this is very...

You're like, "Who is this girl?"

but do you wanna
go to another,
another bar?

I mean,
these guys are, like, lame!

And I'm pretty sure that
one of them is, like,
a drug dealer.

Something we can all agree.

Uh, I mean, yeah.

Yeah, I guess.
Uh, what do you think, B?

And leave
our awesome benefactors?

Gee, I'm not sure.

What's up, baby,

you still giving that lap dance
you promised me?

You know what, I'm ready to dip.

Pretty sure I saw that guy
slip something in your drink.

So, um...

I'm really sorry, but we're
gonna have to get going.

My herpes is
starting to flare up.

Sorry, guys.

Yo, I got it, too.
Don't worry about that.

Where are they going?

They're going to the bathroom.
Now you done scared them, man.

They were smoking hot, for real.

Man, I got a pack of rhino pills
ready to use.

BROOKLYN: Ugh,
are we almost there?

My feet hurt,
and I need a Band-Aid.

When my feet were bothering me,
you didn't care.

It's just up the street.

Yeah, it's just
up the street so... Hannah,

what's it like being famous?

Do you just get everything
that you want?

I mean, it's not really
much of anything, to be honest.

It's been a really long time.

Well, it's gotta be
awesome, right?

What happened with Gino?
Is he still your boyfriend?

No, she dates a real winner now.

Damon.

Damon the demon.

No, Gino and I broke up
a while ago.

Actually, he's gay,

and the producer just wanted us
to pretend like we dated.

No way!

Stop!

I totally thought
he was gay TBH,

because, like, the way he talked
about the thong-toed sandals.

I was like... I know.

Did she just say "TBH"
like it was an actual word?

-[SHUSHING]
-Hey, but your new boyfriend

has gotta be like super dreamy.

I mean, look at you,
you're such a catch,

and you're all famous and stuff.

Yeah, why haven't we seen him
on your IG account?

Yeah, how come?

Uh, he doesn't like me
to post photos of us together
on the Internet.

And besides, I'm a pretty
private person, so...

-Yeah, totally, that's it.
-Just shut up already, Brooklyn!

He's okay.

He's just
a little controlling...

And it's only
because he loves me.

And he's acting,
and it's not good
for his image.

That's what he said
his manager said.

His manager at Sky Bar,
where he works every night?

Um, do either of you ladies
have a boyfriend?

Yeah, actually, that's
where we're going right now.

His name's Andrew,

and he works at this
really cool bar up here.
It's, like, hella cool.

-Oh, nice.
-Super cool.

Yeah. And, you know,
he's actually an actor, too.

And he's researching
for this, like,

really big movie
role right now

where he totally has to
completely ignore
his girlfriend for research.

Uh, how long has
he been researching?

Um, three months.

Yeah, he's really,
really dedicated.

He's kind of like
Daniel Day-Lewis.

Are you guys
seriously this naive?

Oh, my God!

[UPBEAT MUSIC
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Hey, babe! Babe!
Hi, babe! Hi.

Is she having some
sort of muscle spasm?

-[SHUSHES] Be nice.
-That's right.

-What can I get you?
-What?

No. Hello?

-Hi.
-Hi.

What can I get you?

These are my friends, babe,
my new friends.

Do you remember that
show Parsippany-Troy Hills

that I was, like,
totally obsessed with?

No.

You're so silly.

You're such a silly billy.
Of course you do.

Remember Hannah?
She's here.

I mean, isn't that wild?

Can you even?

-I can't even.
-I know, right?

It's crazy.

Anyway, I want to
buy them all a drink.

And by "buy," you mean
you want me to give it
to you for free, right?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, baby,
you're so funny.

Don't make me go all
medieval on your ass.

Baby. Honey? Baby.

He's very busy,

-but he'll be back.
-Yeah.

He always comes back.

-Always.
-It's a bar. He has to.

No. No, it's not an issue.

I should probably
start hydrating
at this point anyway.

I'm not a big drinker, so.

You did not smash your phone
in a crime of passion.

No, no, no.
That's nonsense.

I'll get the
girl bartender-ress.
She'll get us a drink.

Girl, girl.

Hi, girl.

Can we have four shots
for me and my...
Oh, that's so perfect.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Oh, she recognized you.
We really should shift.

-Here you go.
-Okay.

-What should we cheers to?
-To friends.

To best friends,
Hannah and Blankton.

-It's Brooklyn.
-Right. Yeah, the blogger.

-Influencer.
-Okay, just cheers.

Cheers.

-Oh.
-Ugh!

Whoo!

What was that?

Oh, my God.
We have to take a picture.

-Was that...
-We need a photo.

-We look good.
-Good, is my poof okay?

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna caption
this one

"hashtag, that shot life."

But with the "Y"
but not an "I."

That's so chill!
Nobody's ever done that.

That's, like,
the most original thing
I ever heard of.

-Um, do you have to pee?
-I do have to pee.

I have to pee so badly.
Do you guys have to pee?

-I'm good.
-We'll just wait here.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Cool.
I'll miss you so much.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Oh, my God, dude.

Those girls are
so fucking dumb.

I came here to be with you,
not these fucking children.

Oh, my God, stop.

What, are you jealous

that someone's actually
giving me attention
for once instead of you?

No, that's not it. I just...
I don't get you sometimes.

You're the one who
dragged me to fucking
San Diego in the first place.

Now you're mad that I actually
scored us some plans?

Like, I'm sorry that we
didn't stay to hang out
with the drug dealers

or go on some yacht
to hang out with the cast
of Shit Dick: The Musical.

You know what?
Whatever, Hannah.

Why don't you just run along
with your little butt buddies
to the bathroom?

Maybe you could finger bang
each other and let them massage
your massive ego some more.

Relieve your glory days!

You know what?
Maybe I will.
Get it together.

You're being a fucking bitch.

-Can I buy you a drink?
-Moi?

No, that girl
right behind you.

Yeah, you.

I'm flattered, but I would feel
kind of weird 'cause I just
came here with your girlfriend.

-So...
-That's not my girlfriend.

She's just some crazy
desperate chick who
keeps showing up here.

Occasionally we fuck.

Oh, you have
a real way with words.

Whatever. I'm honest.

These girls are annoying
as all hell
and you think so, too.

-You don't know me.
-You want it or not.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Fine.
But nothing dark, please,

because I don't do well
with anything
that's not clear.

Whiskey it is, then.

Oh, okay.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

Ugh!

Oh.

And then he told me that
he liked my dog better than me

because my dog didn't talk.

-And I was like...
-They'll talk soon.

What the fuck are you doing?

-Just taking shots.
-Are you hitting on my man?

Ew! Absolutely not.

Yes, you are. I know when
you're hitting on my man

and you're hitting
on him now.

Trust me, I would never
hit on that guy.

Nobody hits on my man
and gets away with it.

-No, I'm sure she...
-No, don't get involved.

She put the last girl
in the hospital.

How many times
has this happened?

What are you
gonna do about it? Huh?

What you gonna do about it?

For starters, he's clearly
not your boyfriend.

He just said so.
Also, I think he's hideous.

I only date hot guys.

Oh, Jesus.
Here we go.

You bitch.

Oh!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

You better run,
you big titty, cocky...

I'm going to call
the cops again.

You better. With your
hair and your teeth...

Go, go, go, go!
Holy shit!

KELSEY:...doesn't look
like a face anymore.

Why'd you have to
go and do that?

I... I'm sorry, dude.

Look, I didn't mean for you
to get punched in the face.

That girl was out of line.

You couldn't just let me
have more attention

than you for five
fucking seconds,
could you?

You had to go and make
a goddamn scene.

I'm sorry, okay?

Look, to be fair,
you took it like a champ.
Like Ronda Rousey.

Except you didn't even
get knocked out.

Thanks, I guess.

Let me see you. All right.
It's not even that red yet.

So there's that.

Well, I feel like I just got
hit with a Mack truck.

Hey, look,
there's a pedicab.

Let's just take it
back to the hotel,

have a couple beers
from the minibar,
assuming there is a minibar.

Otherwise, we'll just have
more of Borat's leftover
champagne from the lobby.

-Taxi!
-Taxi?

It's better than
yelling "pedi."

I'm only agreeing
to this because my face
and my feet hurt.

You know, I hate pedicabs.
Are they even legal anymore?

BROOKLYN:
Don't be such a pussy.

-HANNAH: Oh, God.
-[CHUCKLES]

-BROOKLYN: Hi.
-Hey, where you wanna go?

We are going to
the Golden West or whatever.

All right, just relax,
and we'll get you there soon.

So how long
you've been a pedo?

That is a very funny joke,
you terrible bitch.

[HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING]

MAN: [RAPPING]
♪ Yeah, it's Brooklyn
and Hannah

♪ Bang like a hammer
Who they dressing up, glamour

♪ Take pics for the camera

♪ All night stamina
Let me go examine ya

♪ I know you heard about me
from Diego back to Canada

♪ I'mma grab a drink Better yet, I'm double fistin'

♪ All these people slide
into my DMs and my mentions

♪ I ain't push the RAV
This cab ain't got no engine

♪ But we still get attention
Wait till you see my entrance

♪ Whoa!
Spray tan with the glow

♪ Shit came out a little dark
but we can go with the flow

♪ My ex is blowing up my phone I wish they'd leave me alone

♪ I'll have another drink
so I can get the fuck
in the zone

♪ Stuck in the zone
Pause every time
that she calls ♪

[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]

[PEDALS SQUEAKING]

No, this isn't right.
This isn't the right place.

You said Golden West.
I brought you the Golden West.

I think it's the wrong one.
I don't see the janky lights.

Well, I don't know.
You asked me to
bring you to Golden West,

so here we are.

We'll just call an Uber
when I charge my phone.

All right. 50 bucks.

-50?
-Yeah.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Fine.
Fuck it. Give him the money.

Well, it's in the bag.

I gave you the back, right?

Yes, Brooklyn. I magically
grabbed the bag

after I got fucking
pummeled in the face.

Um, here's one dollar,
two dollars, three dollars.

You know what?
Here's six dollars.

Keep the imaginary change.

Put that shit away.

You give me $50 right now
or I'm calling the cops.

Why is everyone so quick
to call the fuzz here?

Look, sir, we left
our bag at the bar.

-If you just turn it around,
I'm sure we'll find it.
-Yeah.

Listen, you stupid drunk
and stupid drunk girls,
give me my money

or you're going
to jail right now.

Relax, Hannah.
He's not gonna call the cops.

He doesn't have the balls.

-[CELL DOOR CLOSES]
-[SNIFFLES]

I can't believe Christian
doesn't like me.

Like...

I wasn't expecting
that at all.

What kind of guy
invites you somewhere

and then doesn't at least
give you a courtesy fuck?

Men are so mean.

Men could be
such assholes.

Because of my looks?

I can't imagine that
it would be, but is it?

I bought this outfit
two hours before we left.

Should I have worn
the purple pumps?

Shut the fuck up, Brooklyn.
We're in prison.

I've never been
in prison before.

I don't even know
how this process works.
Jesus!

Oh, what's happening?

-Are we being booked?
-No.

That petty cab driver was
wanted all over town for
selling counterfeit Prosecco.

Turns out it was
carbonated formaldehyde
or something.

We've taken him into custody.
You're free to go.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Oh, thank God.

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

Do you mind if I charge
my phone for a minute
so we could get a ride?

OFFICER: Sure.

-Um, that outlet
doesn't actually work.
-Oh, good.

But I could charge it for you
at my desk for a second.

Would you look at that.
Not all heroes wear capes.

It sounds like you ladies
have had quite the night.

We're visiting from LA.

That's a pretty thick accent
for a California girl.

Oh. She's originally from
Jersey, and I'm from New York.
We just moved here.

Where are we right now?

We're in Encinitas.

It's right outside
of San Diego.

Brooklyn, doesn't Gordo
live in Encinitas?

-Gordo?
-Yeah.

That raver kid we met
at Sidney's house party
years ago in SoHo.

He DMed you on Facebook
all the time, right?

Shit, you're right!
Why didn't I think of that?

Ah, I should hit you
in the head more often.

Inside joke.

I'm going
text him right now.

Yeah, I mean,
worth a shot, right?

Hopefully we can make
one more stop before we
head back to our actual hotel.

-Totally.
-[PHONE DINGS]

Oh, that was quick.
He said, come over.

Sweet. Maybe we will
actually have some fun.

Yeah! They're probably
raging right now.

Hey, if you want,
I can give you both a ride.

BOTH: Oh.

Well, never ridden
in a cop car before.

Well, hopefully there's
a first and a last time
for everything.

Where are we?

Fuck if I know.
This place is weird.

Are you sure this is right?

According
to Google Maps, it is.

I was expecting
more of a techno-y vibe.

-[BELL JINGLING]
-BROOKLYN: Wait,
are they meditating?

Okay, I'm really gonna need
this dose of rough first.

Hey, where'd you get that?

I stole it
from the police station.

Oh, great. Petty larceny
from the police station.

-[MAN CHANTING SANSKRIT MANTRA]
-Hashtag, great choices, Hannah.

[SHUSHES]

Hannah. Brooklyn.

Wow. It is so good
to see you guys.

-Hi.
-Hey.

Shh! Got to keep our
volume down, though,

because if you look here,
we're having our nightly
moon phase meditation.

You know, that's much better.
Thank you. Come here.

-You guys just...
-Oh, okay.

You guys just look un...

believable.
Flowers for the fortunate.

-Oh, for me?
-For you.

Lemme see your hand.
Ah! [CLICKS TONGUE] Spikes.

[MOUTHING]
What the fuck?

[BELL DINGING]

[SOFTLY] I'm so sorry.

Oh, okay. All right.

-It's all love. You feel?
-Yeah.

Captain.

I want you to lead
the moon mass, mon frere.

This is our
revolutionary coach.

Also a roommate.

-Duality, right?
-Yeah.

Duality.

[EXHALES]

Ooh, boobies.

Oh, no, no, no.
We don't touch him.

No, thank you so much.
Yeah, that is the sacred
sanctum of our home.

Captain's nipple god.
You heard of it?

-Nipple god?
-Yeah.

Nipple god.

It's kind of like
the mascot here,
you would say.

Whenever we have any issues,
we just walk up to it
and just stare.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, I mean,
it's funny. He's always
got the answers.

He encourages
conscious calamity.

-Calamity?
-Yeah, like calmness.

That's what it means.

Doesn't calamity
mean disaster?

-Yes, it does.
-Okay.

Girls, I would like
to welcome you

to the mystical mansion.

Some of us call it
the productive palace

or the spiritual sanctum.

It's really,
I don't want to say radical,

but I do want
to say radical.

It feels like a really
elevated experience
being here with you.

So thanks for having us.
Cheers.

[SHUSHES]

No, no, no.

Give me.

We don't do this here.
This is way off brand.

This is negative energy.

No wings here.

What we do do is SGC,
Spiritual Gangster Coffee.

You feel me?

Try some of that.
That's what we drink
here in the house.

Well, that
and, uh, nature's miracle.

-GHB?
-Urine?

-Water.
-Oh, of course.

Um, what's "ghee"?

I don't wanna ask
these people anything

'cause I'm pretty sure
this is a cult.

A friendly cult.

I got to say,
I was very surprised
to hear from you both.

But you look good.

-Been a long time.
-It has.

-And you've changed
quite a bit.
-Bit 'n about.

Is there dairy in this?

I was once like this cone,
you know, little prickly,

not much going on, circular.

But then I came here,
and I just had my surfboard
and some good vibes.

You feel?

Met some like-hearted heroes
along the way.

I don't really want
to say heroes, but
I do want to say heroes.

And we found this place,
my harmonious home.
[CHUCKLES]

It's been a dream. My dream.
You know what I mean?

Wow. I'm totally going
to use that
in my next freestyle.

Dream, mean?
[LAUGHING]

Oh, man, I was so lost
when you guys knew me
before, you know?

So, I bet this comes across
as a bit of a shock,

but, uh, I'm much more
spiritually grounded right now.

Yeah, we sense that.

You know, Brooklyn
has actually been
very spiritual lately.

You two should totally chat.

You've been very
spiritual, Brooklyn?

[CHUCKLES]

I totally felt that.
Look at those vibes.

Yeah, that is fantastic.

That spirituality is in there,
isn't it? [LAUGHS]

Body contact is
fully encouraged, girls.

Don't touch the nip.
Just give it a stare if you
need something, all right?

My bad.

What's that
dick-looking thing?

-The dick.
-Behind you.

Oh, that's my didgeridoo.

Didgeri-what?

It's from Austria-lia.

It's an instrument,
you know? Native to
the Origi-namis peoples.

Picked it up in my travels.

Oh, well, that's cool.
You went to Australia?

I did not.
I went to Cracker Barrel.

But it was in New Milford,
Connecticut, and they had
some sweet deals there, so.

And I hear the wood
is from New Zealand,

which is like
a second Austria-lia.

-No, that's incorrect.
-Hannah.

Why don't you
give it a blow?

In here.

Yeah. Come close.

[BLOWING]

[CHUCKLES]
Blow harder.

[SCOFFS]

You look ridiculous.

And that's what she says.

Yeah, it's like
a fiery flow state, man.

That is just awesome.

[GROWLS]

I must look retarded.
I've never played one
of these things before.

I'm sorry.

Whoa.

Nope.

Did I say something wrong?

Was it because I said
the word retarded?

No. Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen... [PATS KNEE]

We, uh, we don't...

We don't apologize here.

We don't say "I'm sorry."

But "retarded" is okay?

Re... No, we don't like to put
ourselves down, you know?

In fact, whenever
somebody says, "I'm sorry,"

we like to follow it up
with the phrase, "I'm sexy."

So, I'm sexy.

So you know what that means?

-I'm not sorry.
-[CHUCKLES] Try again.

I'm not sorry,
I'm sexy.

Or is it supposed to be,
"I'm sexy? I'm not sorry."

I think you're supposed to say
I'm sexy, Hannah.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah,
she totally gets it. Sexy.

I'm sexy.

-[CHUCKLES] There you go.
-[STOMACH GROWLING]

Now say it again
with a little more meaning.

I'm sexy!

I'm sexy.

-Didn't that feel good?
-Eh, yeah.

Where's your bathroom?

Ah, the "washroom,"

-as they say in
good old Canada...
-Hurry!

...is down the hallway
to the left.

-[FARTS]
-Hah!

Ooh.

I'm sorry. Or I'm sexy.
[FARTING]

You know, Canada is
a really spiritual place.

I planned on doing
Ayahuasca there this summer.

It's a third Australia.

My shaman says that doing
hallucinogens in places

you've never been
is a great idea.

Yeah, that sounds
really smart.

-Shamans are smart. Yeah.
-Mmm. Mmm.

You should do it sometime.

Yeah, I feel like I've done
a lot of work to repress
any negative emotions,

so it's probably
not for me, but
totally admire your passion.

-Cha.
-Yeah.

-Cha.
-Yeah.

You know what
I like about this place

better than the Big Apple?

[DIDGERIDOO PLAYING]

You can see
the stars at night.

Should we go look?

Just watch your step.

We've got a lot of stone-age
going on around here.

We've got our
little dipping ponds,

and then we've got
our bigger dipping pond.

It's pretty wet in there,
I'll tell you that.

All right, come on in.

Here it is, our Zen Zone.

-Oh, okay.
-It's like double Z,
Zen Zone right here.

Okay.

They're dancing tonight.

There she is.

Mrs. Dipper.
It's the biggest Dipper.

Um, I can't really see it.

It's pretty cloudy.

Yeah, but if you
imagine it... it's there.

Like pow... There it is.

Sure. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Has the nipple guy
taught you nothing, sir?

Relax. I'm just feeling
your heart chakra.

It's speaking to me.

Wow. She's really
verbal tonight.

She's telling me that

there's a little bit of
heartbreak in your love life.

Yeah, it just feels like

you're cupping my boob
and very tenderly.

Okay.

I'm sexy.

Spiritual, my asshole!

What kind of person tries to
make you comfortable

and then jumps on top of you?

A horny person.

There you are.

I googled what "ghee" is,
and it's basically butter.

I'm not well.
I'm not well at all!

We need to leave,
like, right now.

-What? All right.
-Come on, come on.

Come back. I...
I finally got hard.

BROOKLYN: I don't know why
we couldn't have
just stayed there.

I would have slept
on the floor with my ghee gas.

That's sure to plant
some positive vibes everywhere.

What do you mean?

The guy fucking touched
my left tit.

Do you know how
inappropriate that is?

Right. I get it.

But we don't have
a place to stay.

We don't have money.
We don't have the RAV4 keys.

And my phone's about to die,
Hannah.

Should I go back
and ask for a charge?

This is all your fault.

If you hadn't gotten
into a fight

with those two girls
back at the bar,

we'd still have the backpack,

and we'd be sleeping
at Chateau Molesto right now.

Your Jersey groupies?

Okay. I see what this is about.

It was really nice to receive
some love and affection
from someone

since you don't get any
from your boyfriend.

Like, when was the last time
you even had sex, Hannah?

You're always giving blowjobs.

I'm surprised
you were offended

some guy touched your boob.

I give blowjobs
because I like them.

You give blowjobs

because it's the only
validation you get
in your relationship.

You're a professional cuddler,
for Christ's sake!

The only people
you can get in your bed

are the ones
that are paying you
for attention

-because you are a...
-I'm a what?

See, I knew
you wouldn't stick up
for yourself

unless you're on
your stupid fucking
reality TV show, Hannah.

So say it. Say it!
I'm a what?

Oh, are you waiting
for someone to cut
to commercial break?

You're a fucking bitch.

[GRUNTS] Fuck, Hannah!

My fucking face!

I'm not gonna be able
to post now...

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Ah!

I fucking hate you!

Fuck you!

God!

That's it. I'm done.

I am out of here.

No. No, I'm done.

I am done with you
and this stupid fake
friendship.

You are so selfish.
And you know what?

I know you made me
look bad

in that beach picture
on purpose.

A real friend
wouldn't do that.

You know what?
Go. Call Damon.

Well, I would,
but I don't have
a phone anymore.

And maybe you could
keep up with me

if you went on any
of those hikes you've been
blabbing about.

Good luck in the streets
without a phone, bitch!

Give a couple of blowjobs,

and maybe someone will
give you a phone for free.

Well, at least I have
a boyfriend to call.

For somebody
who pretends to be
such a slut all the time,

nobody even wants
to touch you

unless they're
mentally deranged

or pays for it.

Ball licker!

-Pussy licker.
-What? No.

You know what?

You were always
the fucking Tonya.

Always jealous
of my success,

fucking trailer trash.

I'm a Nancy, motherfucker.

I'm the classy one.

Oh, yeah. You're a real
"class act," Brooklyn.

And by the way,
Tonya's story was

completely misrepresented
in the media.

"Fake news." Ugh!

BROOKLYN: Fucking bitch!

[GROANS]

[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]

[MOANS] Oh!

Thank God!

[GROANS]

You know, if you ladies
want to stay

and just drink with me
in the back,

I got some more... got some
harder stuff in there.

-GIRL: That's okay.
-Couple of couches
back there.

And you know, I can
get into the diner,
get some of the food.

You sure?

GIRL: Thank you so very much,
kind sir.

ID, please.

You gotta be shitting me.

But you didn't ID them.
They're like 12.

You tellin' me
how to do my job?

No.

Well, if you're not
gonna buy anything,

then get the hell
out of my store.

[SCOFFS] Ugh!

Ugh.

HANNAH: God.

[GIRLS CHATTERING]

Change your mind?

Well, he carded me,
and I don't have my ID, so.

[CHUCKLES]
Aren't you, like, 24, though?

You're sweet.

Bennett can literally
sweet-talk anyone
into anything.

Yeah. I'm what some
might like to call
an "influencer."

I influence people.

I've got a friend like that.

Well, I had
a friend like that.

Uh, I'm Hannah.

I'm Hailey. Bennett.

Hailey and Bennett.

Hey, you got two bucks?
I could do it again.

Uh...

-Somewhere...
-Yo, did you get punched
in the eye?

Are you a victim
of domestic violence?

-No.
-Oh, my God. Were you
attacked by a coyote?

That's so scary.

It's so close
to where we live.

I know! They say
that stuff could happen
close to home,

but I didn't expect it
on our local gas station
doorstep.

You poor thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hold my beer.

She's my best friend.

For now.

A car. A car!
Hey, wait!

Wait! Wait, for love
of all that is holy!

Wait!

Oh, my God.

Please don't kill me.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO]

Oh, thank God.
[CHUCKLES]

Look, my phone is
completely dead.

Can I just plug it in
for a minute
and I'll pay for a ride?

[SIGHS] Sure.

Here's the cable.

Thank you.

So, where are you headed?

I don't actually know
at this point,

if I'm being completely honest.

[SCOFFS]

You know, I can't really
take you anywhere

unless you know
where you wanna go.

I don't know.

It's like my decision making
is so fucked up.

Like, I usually think
it's gonna be a great time

and then nine times out
of ten, it just goes to shit.

You're not the responsible one,
are you?

[SCOFFS] Excuse me?

I see a lot of people
in the back seat there and...

Groups of friends that
come in and there's always
"the fun one."

-I'm fun.
-Yeah, exactly.

Fun ones always know
how to find a party.

And then there is
the responsible one.

And the responsible one
knows how to get home.

Wow, that's deep.

[PHONE DINGS]

Oh, wait.

I actually do know
where I wanna go.

Ugh. God.

Oh.

Oh!

It's her fucking fault
we're here in the first place.

She's just so bossy
and so controlling.

She always thinks
she's so right.

You know what I mean.

And she called me
a pussy.

Pussies are beautiful.

Pussies make babies
and shit.

I'm an independent woman.

I'm a tough-ass broad.

[CHUCKLES] Pussy.

Oh, God, no!

No, no, no.

Thank you.

You're so nice.

Hey.

So, that yacht ride
turned out to not be
all it was cracked up to be.

I can't imagine why.

Treasure got a little seasick.

Yeah... She threw up
and it kind of killed
the whole vibe.

[LAUGHS]

Well, she was so lovely.

Like pirate's booty.

You know,
I just keep thinking

that I should be
getting these major parts

and it's just not happening,
you know?

What? The thought
of channeling

your inner Jerry Orbach
not doing it for you?

Wait a minute.

He was in Law and Justice,too.

It's kind of like Inception
because so are you.

Inception,exactly.

I should be
getting offers like Leonardo

or even Ryan Gosling.

I would have
killed La La Land.

Murdered it.

I just wish somebody
would ask me

what I wanted to
do every now and then.

Like, what kind of parts
I want to play.

And I got what I deserve.

Yeah, it would be nice

if someone asked you
about yourself occasionally.

I agree.

Maybe Ben Stiller
was all wrong about me.

It boggles my mind.

Bartender, can I get
another shot, please?

Make it two.

You know what?
You know what?
Just keep 'em coming,

because I'm gonna
need them.

Hey. Hey...

You know what?
You really get me.

We should talk more often.

[CHUCKLES] You know,

I'm thinking that
we just keep drinking

and then keep the talking
to an absolute minimum.

Yeah. Sound good?

Sure. If you say so.
Here we go.

Bottoms up.

Oh.

Wait, hold on.

This doesn't feel right.

Should we go to
the bathroom?

Shut up.

No, but seriously. Seriously,
where are you staying?

We're starting to look
as creepy as them.

Oh, you're right.
That is aggressive.

Is he inside her?

What the actual fuck?

Hmm.

I knew it.

I knew you were
a sketchy little fuck.

Brooklyn... Wait.
Let me explain.

Explain what?

You were
always so controlling

because you were the one
cheating on Hannah.

-Why don't we go to your hotel?
-No, butt out, all right?

-Butt out.
-This is just a good friend.

I don't know what you saw,

but it's not
what it looks like.

I knew you guys were
in San Diego,

and then I lost
my GPS locator
a few hours ago

and then
I ran into Heidi here,

and we were just about
to come find you guys.

You know what?
This is exactly

what it looks like, okay?

Hannah is such
an amazing person.

She is loyal. She's kind.
She's beautiful.

She wouldn't be
in this situation
if it weren't for me.

You know what?

Fuck you, Damon,

for being a self-centered,

emotionally abusive
little twat

to the best person
you will ever fucking meet.

And for who? For Heidi.

Does she yodel
and herd sheep?

And fuck you for being
such a fucking narcissist.

And you're a bad actor.

-I'm going to find Hannah.
-Oh!

Thanks for the drinks,
boys.

Brooklyn.

[SIGHS] Hannah.

B, I need to talk to you.

No, I need to talk to you.

I'm so sorry
I made you come here.

No, I'm glad you did.

It made me think that
you were right all along.

About what?

That I need to stand up
for myself more.

Oh, yeah. You do.

If I didn't want to
come on this trip,
I wouldn't have agreed to it.

But I basically forced you.

No. But I saw this
homeless man masturbating
on a park bench,

and it got me thinking that

masturbating
and procrastinating are
basically the same thing.

It's all fun and games
until you realize

that you're basically
fucking yourself.

Are you still drunk?
Because I'm not really
following this analogy,

but also, I'm drunk.

I've just been so scared
to speak up for myself

and break up with Damon

because I don't wanna
be alone.

But I'm not alone
'cause I have you.

Damon's cheating on you.

I know.

No, like, I just ran into him
at a bar making out
with another girl

while I was making out
with Christian.

Don't ask. But yeah,

he was basically giving her
oral in the bar.

-It was gross.
-Okay, I didn't need to know

all of that information,
but I know that
he's cheating on me.

He's not
that fucking clever.

I basically stalk his
Instagram likes, so...

You know what?
He was a total nub
when I confronted him, too.

He was just, like,
staring at me

with these SpongeBob
googly-eyed things.
It was stupid.

Ugh, I'm so done with him.

I'm ready to be a strong,
independent woman.

Kind of like you.

No, if anything, you need
to be less like me.

You're so nice to people.

I'm starting to realize
that I just need to be
by myself for a while.

Maybe date me for once.

Holy shit. We're adulting
so hard right now.

-I'm sorry.
-I'm sexy.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, my God.

-I love you.
-I love you, too.

Jesus Christ!

Very sexy.

-Bro...
-[LAUGHS]

Ha.

-Oh, ladies,
some guy named Andrew...
-[GASPS]

...returned this
to the hotel earlier.

I'm having
such good karma tonight.

What's in it?

Well, yeah. They took
everything of value...

My mom's credit card,
cash, everything.

But, of course, they left...

-Oh, fuck.
-[CONCIERGE LAUGHS]

The RAV4
in the valet is yours?

Wow, that's hilarious.

[LAUGHING]

It's a hideous car.

Thank you
for being so honest.

The car's not normal.

Everyone keeps acting
like it's normal.

I would tip you, but I don't
have any cash, so...

Oh, well, here.
You can have this.

I mean, wait...

We've been through
so much together.

Okay. There you go.
It's for you.

That's, uh, super generous.
Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Take care of that.

Thank you.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

Oh, my God.
Is he still calling you?

Yeah. One of the perils
of buying my new phone
this morning.

[RETCHES] Sorry, babe.

You know what?

Damon, I don't even care
what you have to say.

I'm done.

Wow. What are you doing?

What're you... [GASPS]

Hannah, you just bought that
two hours ago. [LAUGHS]

Shit.

[LAUGHS]

Wait, how soon
does your mom's
new credit card come?

[LAUGHS] I'm kidding.

Talk about
no fucks given, though.

I feel it. I'm ready
to be a boss.

Oh, that a girl!

Hey, do you
want to stop off
at that overlook again

and take a photo?

No, I'm good.

Is there anything
you wanna do?

I'm doing it.

Me too.

Ooh, I love this song.

[TURNS VOLUME UP]

♪ So, baby, if you want me

♪ You've got to show me love

♪ Words are so easy to say
all right

♪ You've got to show me love

HANNAH: Well,
I'm very impressed.

You're so active now.

BROOKLYN: [LAUGHS]
Quitting drinking will do that.

I actually wake up
before noon now.

And you exercise.

Walking these hills
is good exercise

and I find myself
enjoying hot yoga.

So how do you like
the new job?

It's good, you know?

I'm really enjoying
volunteering in
the writers' room.

So many cute boys.

-I mean, total nerds,
but so cute.
-Brooklyn...

But, if you let me finish,

I'm taking some time
for myself.

There we go.

Although I will be taking
the odd cuddle appointment
from time to time

because I find myself
really longing
for the touch of a man.

I hear you.

Hey, Hannah. Brooklyn.

Just what we needed.
A third wheel.

[CHUCKLES] Hannah,
can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, okay.
I'm just gonna go over there.

Bye, Teddy.

What's up?

I know you kind of have
a boyfriend...

Um... had.
Kind of had a boyfriend.

Oh, right. Well,
I was wondering

if you wanted to have
dinner with me
or something sometime.

Yeah, that'd be great.
I'd like that.

-Totally.
-All right, cool.

I gotta get going, but maybe
I could grab you around,
say, 7:00 p.m.?

Oh, um...

Unless you don't want to,
then I totally don't...

No, no, no.
I am totally free tonight.

I am free as a bird.

I'm like a bird.

Not like
the Nelly Furtado song, though.

It's a terrible song.

Unless you like it,
then it's totally cool.

Right. Well, as long as
you don't eat like one.

A bird.

I hate when girls don't eat.

Yeah. No, no, no. Definitely not.

That's Brooklyn with the restrictive diet.

I love to eat.

Cool. Well, I'm on
the entrepreneur diet.
I'm hungry for everything.

Did you say you're an entrepreneur?

Yeah, pharmaceuticals.

Great. Um, see you later.

All right.

See you.

He's a fucking drug dealer.

I knew it was too good to be true.

[V.6.]