Original subtitles

[airplane whirring]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

- [Bill] When I was little, we moved a lot.

And I wasn't a jock, so I guess to make friends,

you became the funny guy.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[country rock music]

- I think he's cute.

- And he's funny.

Fall-out-of-your-chair, laughing, crying funny.

- [Bill] Then I get to college

and I listen to a couple of Steve Martin records

and thought, "Well, that'd be a cool job."

- He's real. - Master of his craft.

- I love him. - Realistic.

- I think he's hilarious. - Down to earth.

- You could relate to him. - Therapy by laughter.

- If you like comedy,

it don't get no better than this.

- [Bill] People take their hard-earned money,

and they have plenty of choices.

And they chose to come see my show.

That doesn't get lost on me. That's a real honor.

- It's like you're sitting in the living room with a friend

and just telling jokes.

It's so comfortable and so entertaining.

- He's family-oriented,

but at the same time, he's still just as funny

as any other comedian I've ever seen.

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage

Grammy-nominated and platinum recording artist

Mr. Bill Engvall!

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

- [laughs] Wow.

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

Thank you.

Wow. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

It is wonderful to be back here in Rockford.

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

Thank you for being here.

Normally when I do shows like this, you know,

I interview with the newspapers

or the radio stations or whatever.

And they always ask me the same question.

They go, "Well, Bill, is your family funny?"

[audience laughing]

I always say, "No.

No, my family's crazy,

and that makes me funny."

And the Engvall clan has had crazy covered

for a number of decades.

My grandparents, when they were alive,

God bless their hearts,

my grandmother is just crazy as a loon.

Most wonderful woman you'll ever meet in your life,

but she just loved to talk.

She talked to y'all, that mic stand,

the stool, these walls.

And they all lived in one little town in Texas.

A little town called Georgetown, Texas.

And my parents lived there and my sisters live there,

and my grandparents lived there when they was alive.

And Gail, my wife, and I, we both went to college

in that little town.

So when I was in college, you know,

I'd go over to grandma and grandpa's house,

because it was a free good meal.

That was the one thing I learned in college.

[audience laughing]

And I'd go over there,

and it'd be the same scenario every day.

There'd be my granddad, sitting in his favorite chair

with the newspaper up.

My grandmother'd just be walking through the house, talking.

And I'd egg it on.

You know, I'd say, "Well, how you doing today, grandma?"

She goes, "Well, Billy, I'm doing all right, I guess.

They're not shoveling dirt on top of me."

[audience laughing]

I guess that's a good day.

I said, "What did you do today?"

She goes, "Well, Bill, I went to the beauty shop today."

I said, "Oh, really."

She goes, "Oh, yes.

And I saw Betsy there.

And Betsy was getting herself a bouffant hairdo.

Now, Bill, I don't know why she'd get a bouffant hairdo,

'cause she's got a fat face.

[audience laughing]

Well, yeah, you'd think a woman with a fat face

would want that hair hanging all down in front of her face.

But, no, she pulls it all on top of her head.

So now she's got a big, fat bun of hair

with those big, fat cheeks.

I think she's lost her mind.

[audience laughing]

Oh, and did I tell you this? They bought a new car.

She wanted a Chevy, but they talked her into a Ford.

She wanted a black Chevy, but the dealer man said,

Oh, ma'am, black shows up dirt too much.

You need a brown car.

So now, instead of a pretty black Chevy,

she's got an ugly brown Ford

with that fat-face bouffant hairdo.

I think she's lost her mind."

[audience laughing]

And my granddad would just go, "Mm-hm."

[audience laughing]

I'll tell you a story about them.

When they were getting ready to celebrate

their 50th wedding anniversary,

my grandmother said to my granddad,

she said, "Ray, I want you to go to Macy's

and get yourself a suit,

because it's a big anniversary and I want you dressed up."

And my granddad was like, "I ain't wearing no damn suit.

I never wore one, ain't gonna wear one now."

Because you got to know who my granddad was.

It was boots, overalls and no shirt, all right?

Yeah, and that was church.

[audience laughing]

Yeah. [laughs]

But, you know, grandma ruled the house,

so she got him to go get a suit

and they had their anniversary.

Well, everything was great.

Well, unfortunately, about nine months later

granddaddy passed away.

And we were sitting at the funeral home,

me and my grandmother.

And the funeral director said to my grandmother,

she said, "Ma'am, what would you like Ray buried in?"

And my grandmother looked at me and said,

"Well, we bought him that suit.

I guess we'll just bury him in that."

And I remember thinking,

this poor man can't catch a break dead.

[audience laughing]

So we buried granddaddy, and after the funeral

I was having coffee with my grandmother.

And I said, "Now grandma, listen to me."

I said, "People are gonna start calling the house now,

and they're gonna ask for granddaddy.

But they don't really want him."

I said, "They just want to make sure he's gone,

and they're gonna try and sell you some kind of scam

to get in your stocks or your savings."

I said, "So do me a favor.

When they call, you just tell them that granddaddy's

in the garden or he's gone into town,

or he'll be back later

and they can call back and talk to him then."

And I said, "Trust me, they won't call back."

Well, I went on home.

About a year later, I was back in town visiting my parents.

I stopped by to see grandma.

And we were sitting there having coffee.

And she said, "Well, honey, you were right."

And I said, "About what?"

She said, "Those folks call all the time."

I said, "I told you they would."

She said, "This one fella,

he called once a week for six weeks."

I said, "Well, what did he want?"

And she goes, "Well, that's what I wanted to know."

She said, "So the next time he called,

I said, 'Young man, you have called this house

once a week for six weeks.

Can I ask what this is about?'

And he said, 'Oh, yes, ma'am.'

He said, 'I'm sorry.'

He said, 'I'm from Macy's,

and I was just calling to see how Ray's enjoying his suit.'"

[audience laughing]

And I started laughing.

And I said, "What did you say, grandma?"

And she goes, "Well, I didn't want to lie to him,

'cause the Lord don't like liars.

So I just said, 'Well, young man,

we can't get it off him.'"

[audience laughing] [Bill laughing]

And she wasn't lying.

And I'll tell you what my dad told me on them.

As they got older, you know, grandma and grandpa,

they couldn't get out of the house much.

So Dad put them on this group called Meals on Wheels,

which is a wonderful organization

that serves meals to senior citizens

and the homebound.

Well, as grandma got older,

she started visiting people on other planets

we didn't know existed.

And one day their Meals on Wheels lunches was late.

And my grandmother got so mad,

she called 911 to complain.

Wouldn't you have loved

to have heard that phone conversation?

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Well, we're about to damn starve to death,

that's what the damn emergency is."

[audience laughing]

"Ma'am, is there anybody dead there?"

"There's gonna be two dead people

if we don't get some sandwiches real quick."

Well, my father told me this story.

Well, y'all, I'm a comedian.

You cannot hand me a loaded gun like that

and not think it's not gonna go off at some point.

Well, my grandparents passed away about 15 years ago.

Well, one morning a couple of years back,

I got up and I called my house.

Remember, that's one little small town in Texas.

And my mom answered the phone.

And she goes, "Hello?"

And I said, "Mrs. Engvall?"

She said, "Yes?"

I said, "This is Sergeant Johnson

with the Georgetown Police Department."

She said, "Oh, my God, is everything all right?"

And I said, "Oh, yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Everything is fine."

I said, "Listen, we're just clearing out our books

for the end of the year,

and we noticed that we had to send our emergency vehicles

out to your mother-in-law's house 'cause she called 911

about their Meals on Wheels lunches being late."

And my mother goes,

"You need to speak to my husband."

[audience laughing]

I mean, she threw him right under the bus.

There was no, "We're sorry, we'll make it okay."

It's his mama, deal with him.

[audience laughing]

And I said, "Well, is he home?"

And she said, "Well, yes, officer, he is.

But he's in the shower."

And I said, "Well, ma'am, if you could get him,

that'd be great."

[audience laughing]

And she goes,

"Well, all right."

And she sets the phone down.

Well, you know when folks set the phone down,

you can still hear the conversation?

And I hear my mother go, "Bill, it's the police.

They want to talk to you about your mother."

And I hear my father yell from the shower,

"My mother's dead."

[audience laughing]

And my sweet little mother, who never raised her voice,

went, "I know that. Get on the phone!"

Well, now I'm about to wet my pants

because I have a visual of my father

dripping wet, holding the towel, going,

"Why are the damn police calling my house

on Saturday morning about,

my mother's been dead for 15 years!"

But, my friends, he got on that phone

and he was nice as pie.

[audience laughing]

He goes, "Hello?"

And I'm trying to keep it together.

And I said, "Mr. Engvall?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "This is Sergeant Johnson

with the Georgetown Police Department."

He goes, "Well, how are you today, officer?"

[Bill laughing] [audience laughing]

I said, "Well, I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking."

He said, "What can I do for you today?"

I said, "Well, sir, I hate to bother you and your family

on this beautiful Saturday."

I said, "But we're just clearing out our books

for the end of the year,

and we noticed we had to send emergency vehicles

out to your mother's house 'cause she called 911

about their Meals on Wheels lunches being late."

And he goes, "Officer, that woman was crazy."

[audience laughing]

This is his mom he's talking about.

And I said, "Well, sir, that may well be,

but that's not our department."

I said, "Listen, we just got the issue

of a little bit of fine,

and we'll get out of your hair."

He said, "Well, what's the fine for?"

And I said, "Well, sir, we had to send a fire truck

and an ambulance out there

'cause we thought something was wrong."

He said, "Oh, yeah, I get that."

He said, "How much is the fine?"

I said, "Well, that depends."

He said, "On what?"

And I said, "Sir, do you remember

what they had for lunch that day?"

[audience laughing]

And there was a pause.

So I figure he's onto me.

You know, he's gonna go, "Bill, shut up."

And he goes, "I'm sorry?"

And I said, "Well, whatever they had for lunch that day

will determine on how big or little the fine is."

And he said, "Well, I've never heard of that."

And I said, "Well, it's something new we're trying."

[audience laughing]

He said, "Well, how's it work?"

And I said, "Well, funny you should ask."

I said, "All right, sir.

Let's say they had a bowl of soup for lunch.

Well, that fine's only, like, $10.

But if they had, like, a meat loaf sandwich,

sir, you ever done this?

Your wife cooks you a meat loaf on a Monday night.

Well, then that next day

you cut you a cold slab of meat loaf

with mustard, mayonnaise, pickles, lettuce, onions."

He goes, "Oh, I love them sandwiches."

[audience laughing]

I said, "Well, that's gonna be a little more money.

Can you understand that?"

And he goes, "Yeah, yeah, that makes sense."

[audience laughing]

Really?

And this is an educated man.

He's not some rube from the sticks.

So I said, "So if you could think

what they had for lunch that day,

we'll get this whole mess cleared up

and you can go on with your weekend."

He goes, "Boy, I'm just trying to think, officer."

He goes, "I don't remember

what they had for lunch that day."

And I said, "Well, maybe your wife knows."

And he goes, "Hey, good idea."

[audience laughing]

He goes, "Hey, Mary? What'd they have for lunch that day?"

And she goes, "Hell, I don't know.

That was 15 years ago."

He said, "Officer, we can't remember

what they had for lunch that day.

That was just too far back."

I said, "Boy, we really want to get this cleared up, sir."

I said, "Just think really hard.

I mean, did they have a salad?

Because, well, then that's only, like, $15.

But if they had, like, a turkey sandwich,

now sir, you ever done this?

[audience laughing]

Your wife cooks you Thanksgiving dinner;

well, then that next day you take some of that turkey

with some dressing and cranberry sauce."

He goes, "Oh, hell, that's my favorite sandwich of all."

I said, "Well, that's gonna be a hell of a lot more money."

He goes, "I bet it is."

[audience laughing]

And I'm not even disguising my voice.

This is his only son speaking to him.

So I said, "So, sir, think really hard.

What was it they had for lunch that day,

and we'll get this whole thing cleared up,

and you can go on with your weekend."

He goes, "Officer, I'm gonna tell you right now."

He goes, "I can't remember what they had for lunch that day.

That's just too far back."

He goes, "Let me do this.

He said, "Why don't I pay the larger of the amounts of fine,

and that'll cover everything."

And I said, "Sir, I wish we had

more folks like you in the world.

But you can see how that'd screw up our books, right?"

And he goes, "Oh, hell, yeah.

I guess it would, wouldn't it? Yeah."

I finally went, "Dad, it's me."

And he went, "Go to hell!"

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

And that's what scares me about getting older.

You start having those thoughts,

and you think they're normal.

And that's why I try to do things,

to keep my brain at least feeling young.

And that's why I did that stupid "Dancing with the Stars."

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

Thank you.

So I go on the show,

and I meet my little partner Emma.

Emma Slater. Just this wonderful little British girl.

She's 24 years old. Yeah, just a love.

She's a doll.

But just British as she could be.

I mean, to the point that sometimes,

she didn't understand our English.

Like, every week we would do this thing

called the song reveal.

And that's where she'd tell me what dance we were gonna do

and what song we're gonna dance to.

And one week she goes, "All right, Bill."

She goes, "This week, we're gonna dance the tango,

and we're dancing to,

'Beef, Burgers and Paradise' by Jimmy "Buffet."

[audience laughing]

Damn, that sounds familiar.

[audience laughing]

I said, "Emma, do you mean 'Cheeseburgers in Paradise'

by Jimmy Buffett?"

And she goes, "Well, why would they call it buffett?"

I said, "What?"

And she goes, "Well, when you go out to eat,

you don't go to a buffett, you go to a buffet."

And I said, "Well, sweetheart, that's food.

This is a human being."

So we start our rehearsals.

Well, the way the show works,

for those of you who haven't watched it,

the first week, everybody gets a by.

Everybody's safe.

Well, after the first week, my son called me from college

and said, "Well, just wanted to say thanks."

[audience laughing]

I said, "What are you talking about?"

He goes, "Well, you almost got your butt kicked."

[audience laughing]

I said, "How do you figure?"

Well, he works at a little pizza joint

where he goes to college.

Well, "Dancing with the Stars" is on Monday nights.

Well, what else is on Monday night in the fall?

Football.

He said there was 30 frat guys, and they were drinking beer

like it's their last day on earth.

He's got "Dancing with the Stars" on the big screen TVs.

And one of the frat guys goes,

"Hey, man, can you turn that mess off and put on football?"

And he said, "Before I could stop my mouth,

the words shot out, 'Not till my dad's done dancing.'"

[audience applauding]

Yeah, sorry about that one, boy.

Well, then the next week, Bill Nye the Science Guy

was on our show, and he hurt his knee,

and he got eliminated.

So I've been on two weeks and I'm thinking, great.

I've been on as long as I thought I'd be on.

This is great. You can kick me off now.

Deer season starts in three weeks.

I'll be there for opening day.

Well, y'all kept voting.

[audience laughing] [audience cheering]

And at first I was mad at you.

But then I started enjoying it,

because if you go back and watch the shows,

every time they told me and Emma we were safe,

they would cut to the judges,

and they all had this look on their face like,

"How is he still here?" [audience laughing]

By week five, I was begging to be off that show.

I was literally like,

you ever watch those animal shows

on the National Geographic channel?

And I was that wounded gazelle at the back of the herd

that was just kind of limping along.

And you're like, "Oh, God, the cheetah's gonna get him.

He's gonna get him!"

And I'd fall, and the cheetah'd run by.

Damn it, where'd he go? You know.

And at one point, the ABC executives

came to me and they said,

"Bill, don't take this the wrong way,

but we didn't know you had this many fans."

[audience applauding] [audience cheering]

To which I replied,

"Well, apparently you've never dealt

with rednecks because..."

[audience applauding] [audience cheering]

Well, the first big elimination came with,

I believe her name was Christina Milian.

And she and her partner Mark had just gotten

the first 10 of the season.

And that dance, we had to do this little dance

called the quickstep.

And the quickstep sucks.

[audience laughing]

Basically, no, I ain't doing it no more.

The quickstep is if I said run from here to the airport

as fast as you can,

and while you're running, do some dance steps

and we'll judge you on it.

Well, me and Emma got, like, three 7s.

Well, the way the show works: at the end of the show,

all 12 couples are on the floor,

and they tell each one of them they're safe

till there's two couples left.

One's staying, one's going.

Out of the 13 weeks I was on that show,

me and Emma were the last two couples 11.

And one of those was a by.

So we're standing there, and it's so melodramatic.

You know, they go, the lights go,

and the music goes "Duh-duh-duh-duh."

And the announcer goes, "Bill and Emma, you got three 7s.

Did your fans vote enough to keep you on?"

Duh-duh-duh-duh.

"Christina and Mark, you got the first 10 of the season.

Did your vans vote enough to keep you on?"

I'm thinking, "Great, we're done."

The announcer goes, "Bill and Emma,

you're safe."

[audience laughing]

What?

[audience laughing]

So we move on, and we kept moving on.

Well, then the next one was Sasha and Snooki.

And in real life at that time,

Sasha was my partner Emma's boyfriend.

And so that week we had to do this dance

called the jive. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

I don't jive.

[audience laughing]

And I think we got, like, three 6s.

But Sasha and Snooki got, like, two 9s and an 8.

So I thought, "Awesome, we're done."

So we're standing there at the end of the show,

and Tom Bergeron, the host, walks in between us.

And he goes, "Well, Bill, I usually read the prompter

at this point in the show, but you've done TV.

Why don't you read it?"

And I said, "Whatever."

And I look in the camera, and they start rolling it up.

And I go, "Bill and Emma, you're safe."

Oh, my God! [audience laughing]

Are you kidding me?

Can we recount? Because I don't think that's right.

It was so off the charts.

I looked at my wife in the audience and I said,

"This is wrong." [audience laughing]

I go, "I should be eliminated, deer season's coming up."

[audience laughing]

And she's looking at me with this look like,

"Don't be an idiot. Just stand there."

Oh, are you kidding me? She's digging this.

Oh, every Monday she gets a new dress

and she's on TV.

She don't want me bailing on this.

[audience laughing]

But I felt so bad for Snooki that I literally started

to take two steps towards Tom Bergeron and say,

"Look, eliminate me. Let her go on."

And as he's interviewing Snooki,

he looks at me and he goes...

[audience laughing]

I said, "But this is wrong."

And all of a sudden I feel somebody

grabbing my shirt and pulling me back.

And it's Val, the Russian guy.

And he goes, "Bill, this is about your journey.

Don't interrupt it."

[audience laughing]

What?

Well, Snooki's crying 'cause she just got eliminated.

Emma's crying 'cause her boyfriend just got eliminated.

I'm crying 'cause I'm missing deer season.

[audience laughing]

And we kept going on.

Well, now we're a week away from the finals,

and we had to learn two dances in one week.

We had to learn the cha-cha

and we had to learn the Argentine tango.

So Emma and I are in the dance rehearsal hall,

and we're rehearsing the cha-cha.

And of a sudden Emma goes,

"Bill, can you do a cartwheel?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "Emma, I'm 58.

Yes, I can do a cartwheel."

[audience laughing] [audience cheering]

And I did one.

And she goes, "Oh, my God, this is brilliant.

Bill, they'll love this. We'll do the move.

We'll cha-cha in front of them. You do the cartwheel.

They'll eat it up."

And I'm doing it. I'm doing a cartwheel.

And I'm getting, I'm really good at it.

Then all of a sudden my brain and my mouth got together

and went, "Hey, hey, Emma, what if, instead of a cartwheel,

what if I did a roundoff with a half twist?"

And she goes, "Can you do one?"

And I said, "Yes."

And my brain went, "No!"

But I did it.

And then she goes, "Oh, my God!"

I don't even know where I learned this stupid move.

But I did it, and she goes, "They're gonna love this."

So we're rehearsing this,

and I'm doing the roundoff with the half twist.

What's going on?

Well, she goes, "Let's do it one more time,

then we'll go on to the Argentine tango."

So we get to that move.

I do the roundoff with the half twist.

But this time when I land it,

instead of landing with my knees bent,

I landed with my knees locked.

[audience groaning]

Yeah. And the bad knee went, "Bye-bye!"

[audience laughing]

I went sideways and I hit the ground.

And so I sit down. It kind of settled down.

She goes, "Let's just go on to the Argentine tango.

It's slow and it won't hurt your knee."

And I said, "Great."

I don't know if you know what the Argentine tango is,

but it is literally just sex to music.

[audience laughing]

Oh, it's just this rub and grind,

and your face is like this.

And I'm like, Oh, Christ.

Well, this is gonna be really awkward.

I mean, she's 24.

My wife's at every show.

Okay, I'll do it for the sake of the show.

[audience applauding] [audience cheering]

Well, I'm a team player.

[audience laughing]

So we start doing this dance.

Well, Emma was always about this big trick.

She wanted to do some big trick to impress the judges.

So she goes, "All right, Bill, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to lay me down, pick me up, spin me out.

I'll spin back in. You lift me up, push me out.

I'll whip around your waist and you catch my legs."

And I went, "[laughs] Okay!

Yeah, you're gonna die,

[audience laughing]

because I don't know if you've noticed or not,

but I'm not really good at this."

She goes, "Don't worry, I'll be there."

I'm like, "Okay, it's your life."

So we get to that part, and I lay her down, pick her up,

I spun her out, she spun back in,

I lifted her up, I pushed her out,

she whipped around my waist and I caught her legs.

And I went, "Oh, my God!

I'm getting this!" [audience laughing]

Oh, yeah!

There's gonna be Bill Engvall dance studios

across the country. [audience applauding]

So we keep rehearsing this dance.

She goes, "All right, let's do it one more time,

and we'll go home for the day."

Because we've already been there, like, six hours.

So we got to that point, and I laid her down,

I picked her up, I spun her out,

she spun back in, I lifted her up

and I got her to right here.

And her legs were pointed straight up.

And I'm starting to get tired.

And I let her slip that much.

And then I took my step that I had to do,

and she shifted away to whip around me.

And when she did,

I heard a noise come from my crotch

[audience laughing]

that was somewhere between a scream and a tear.

[audience laughing]

I had torn my groin.

[audience groaning] Oh, I hit,

and they're filming everything.

I'm on the ground grabbing my crotch,

rolling around, screaming.

Emma learned a whole bunch of new American cuss words.

[audience laughing]

And I have never felt pain like this in my life.

In fact, fellas, if you've never torn your groin, allow me.

Go home tonight, take out your hunting knife,

and put it in a flame,

and let it get glowing red-hot,

and then just jab it right in your crotch.

That's kind of what it feels like.

They had to call Gail to come get me,

because I couldn't even walk.

This happened on a Friday.

We're shooting the show on Monday.

Saturday morning, I called little Emma and I said,

"Sweetheart, we're done."

I said, "I can't get out of bed."

And she goes, "I just want to make sure you're okay."

And I said, "I'm fine, baby, but there's no more dancing."

And she goes, "Well, I got to call the producers."

I said, Well, do what you got to do."

So she calls the producers.

Well, then the producers called me and they said,

"Well, we'd like to bring our doctor over."

[audience laughing]

Okay.

He's a doctor of pain management.

When I was in college, we called him Dr. Feelgood.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

So Saturday morning I'm laying on my couch

with an ice pack on my crotch.

They show up with producers, a camera crew, this doctor.

And he starts examining.

He goes, "Yeah, you tore your groin."

I said, "Yeah, I kind of figured I did.

I guess we're done, huh?"

And he goes, "No."

"What do you mean, no?"

He goes, "I'm gonna give you an injection."

I said, "You ain't sticking a needle anywhere near there."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, right? I'm 58.

I got enough issues with it as it is.

I don't need a needle being jabbed around in there.

No little pill's gonna fix that.

So he gives me an injection in my thigh,

and the pain went, "Bye-bye!"

Monday morning, it took me two hours

to get ready for this stupid show.

I was wrapped, strapped, taped, shaved, gelled.

You name it.

Wearing panty hose to hold it in place.

And we somehow got through the cha-cha.

And we got, like, two 6s and a 7.

And then I don't know what happened.

I don't know if I just had resigned myself to the fact

that we were done and I didn't care anymore.

But we went into the Argentine tango and we just drilled it.

I mean, it was the highest score we ever got.

We got, like, two 9s and an 8, I think.

And so we're standing there at the end of the show,

and I literally am standing like this,

'cause I can't put weight on my leg.

But this time, we're up against Val and Elizabeth.

And they'd just gotten three 10s.

A perfect score.

So we're standing there like this.

And the announcer goes, Bill and Emma,

you've had below-average scores all...

All right, do we have to keep bringing that up, really?

It's like your kid going through high school,

getting all Ds.

And they go, at graduation,

well, I don't know how he did it,

but here's his diploma. [audience laughing]

And he said, "Bill and Emma,

you had two 7s and a 6 average score.

Did your fans vote enough to keep you on?"

Duh-duh-duh-duh.

"Val and Elizabeth, you got three 10s.

A perfect score. Did your fans vote enough to keep you on?"

And I whispered in Emma's ear,

I said, "Sweetheart, we're done."

She goes, "Yeah, I'm afraid so."

And I said, "Look, babe, we walk out of here

with our heads held high."

I said, "We got further than we thought we'd get.

We got further than anybody

in the free world thought we'd get.

[audience laughing]

So we walk out of here proud."

And she goes, "You know what? You're right."

And we look in the camera and they go,

"Bill and Emma, you're in the finals."

Oh, my God! [audience laughing]

What?

Well...

Now I'm convinced Gail's involved in this.

Well, yeah, she can't just kill me outright,

'cause then she'd go to prison.

But if she's paying y'all to vote

and I have a heart attack and die on this stupid show,

they'd just call it a tragic accident.

Well, that night after we did the Argentine tango,

my body was shot.

I mean, I was shut down.

This was me getting into bed.

I literally went back up against the bed

and then just lay down like a board,

'cause that way nothing hurt.

And we're in bed.

And Gail said, "Sweetheart, I got to tell you something."

I said, "What?"

And she goes, "I am just so proud of you."

She goes, "I know this wasn't in your comfort zone,

but you did it and you put your heart into it

and you gave it 100%,

and your fans saw a side of you they've never seen before."

She goes, "You should be really proud,

and I'm really proud."

I said, "Thanks, sweetheart."

And she turns off the bedside light.

Like, a second later the light comes back on,

and she goes, "I got to say one more thing."

I said, What?"

And she goes, "You know that Argentine tango?"

And I said, "Yeah?"

And she goes, That was frigging hot.

[audience laughing] [audience cheering]

And I know what she wants to do!

And normally I'm all in, but I was like,

"All right, but you're on top, because I can't move.

All right?" [audience laughing]

Well, now we're in the finals.

And Emma is out-of-her-mind giddy.

She's like, "Bill, this is the finals.

This is my first year as a pro and we got to the finals.

You got us to the finals."

I said, "No, I didn't. My sick fans did."

[audience laughing]

And she goes, "This is the big dance, Bill.

This is the big dance.

We can do whatever we want."

I go, "No, we can't.

She goes, "What do you mean?"

I go, "Honey, I'm 58.

I've got a torn groin, a pulled hamstring, a bad knee.

We can't do whatever we want."

And she goes, "All right, well, I'll keep that in mind."

I go, "Please do."

She goes, "All right, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna dance to 'Raiders of the Lost Ark.'

And the way it's gonna start

is you're on the second-floor balcony,

and you're gonna swing in on a rope.

And I'm like... [audience laughing]

You know what?

At this point, why not? Why not?

If I go off in an ambulance, it'll be big press.

[audience laughing]

Well, thank God, we finally got eliminated.

And, by the way, I joke with you,

but thank you for voting,

'cause it was one of the funnest things

I've ever done in my life. [audience cheering]

And do you want to hear the sick part?

If they called me tonight and said,

"We need you for Monday," I'd go back.

It was just that much fun.

But after we got eliminated,

and the show was over, my knee was just shot.

I went to my orthopedic guy, and he said,

"I don't even know how you're standing."

He said, "There's nothing holding your knee together."

And I said, "Well, what are we gonna do?"

And he goes, "Well, we can inject it

with this gel every six months but that's not gonna fix it."

And I said, "What's gonna fix it?"

He said, "You need a total knee replacement."

So December 15th, I had a total knee replacement.

Have you had one? Yeah.

They're not fun.

Obviously everything went great,

because I'm standing in front of you right now.

So I wake up in my hospital room,

and my leg's in this machine and it's moving around.

But something's weird.

You ever had that feeling when you know something's off

but you can't figure out what it is?

And I'm flipping around in bed.

And Gail goes, "What's wrong with you?"

I go, "I don't know. Something's weird."

And I flipped this way,

and something hits the inside of my thigh.

And I went, "Oh, my God."

I have a catheter. [audience laughing]

I've never had a catheter before.

And they hurt.

And I said, "Do I have a catheter in?"

She goes, "Yeah." And I said, "How? Why?"

And she goes, "Well, Bill, you were under sedation.

They don't want you peeing the bed."

And I said, "Well, how long do I have to have this?"

She goes, "They're coming to take it out today."

And as if on cue, the door opens,

and in walks this 24-year-old brown-haired lady nurse

named Christie. [audience laughing]

And Christie walks in and she goes,

"Hi, Mr. Engvall. Big fan."

[audience laughing]

Not now.

And she goes, "I'm gonna be the one removing your catheter."

Oh, God!

And I thought dancing with a 24-year-old was awkward.

And then she goes, "I have to tell you this."

She goes, "I've never actually done this before."

[audience laughing]

"What? Well, go practice on a dead guy!"

[audience laughing]

She goes, "I understand it just feels like

a little bit of pressure."

And I'm thinking, "Oh, God!"

That's what the prostate guy said.

[audience laughing]

She walks over to the bed, pulls the sheet down,

lifts up my gown, looks down.

Now, here, let me tell you this.

I'm on every drug known to man right now,

so I'm not real sure how I'm representing myself

at this point in time.

[audience laughing]

She looks under my gown, looks at me and says,

"Do you have pets?"

[audience laughing]

"What?"

She said, "Pets, do you have pets?

I went...

"Yeah."

And she goes, "Me too." [audience laughing]

She goes, "What kind of pets do you have?"

And I went...

[audience laughing]

"I got a dog."

And she goes, "I love dogs."

She goes, "What kind of dog do you have?"

And I said, "Is there claw marks?

Is there something I don't know about?

[audience laughing]

Why are you..."

And I looked at Gail and I said,

"What is she doing?"

And she goes, "Honey, she's just trying to relax you."

I said, "Well, I'm not relaxed!"

When a 24-year-old girl is looking at my junk,

I don't want to talk about my Australian shepherd.

[audience laughing]

And by the way,

if you're a nurse and this is your practice,

that's not relaxing.

[audience laughing]

If you want to relax me, lift up my gown,

look under it, and then look at me and go, "Whoa!"

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

Now I'm relaxed.

So she starts pulling this tube.

Yeah.

And apparently, it was touching the back of my skull,

because she pulled for what seemed like an hour.

And then I heard [mimics popping] and she goes, "All done."

I'm like, "Oh, God!

Could this get any worse?"

She starts to leave, then she turns.

She goes, "Oh, one more thing."

I said, "What?"

She goes, "I can't discharge you

until you have a bowel movement."

It just got worse.

'Cause I'm on a little drug called Percocet.

And if you've been on Percocet,

you know there is no bowel movement.

As a matter of fact, I looked it up.

And Percocet is a Latin word.

And the definition is,

we've shoved a cork in your butt

and super-glued your cheeks together.

[audience laughing]

I'm not kidding you.

I nearly had an aneurysm just trying to fart.

[audience laughing]

So a couple days goes by.

And if you've ever been on Percocet,

you know the moment I'm about to talk about.

It's that moment you realize you can go to the bathroom,

and it's the happiest day of your life.

Right but I can't just get out of bed,

'cause my leg's in this machine and I can't walk yet.

So I have to call the nurse's station.

And so I go, ding.

And the nurse goes, "Yes, Mr. Engvall. Can I help you?"

And I said, "Hi.

Is Christie around?

[audience laughing]

And she goes, "No, she's down the hall with another patient.

What can I help you with?"

And I don't want to just say I got to go poop.

And I'm a comedian. They know that.

So I'm trying to be funny.

So I go, "Yeah, would you just tell her

I need to drop some friends at the lake?"

[audience laughing]

And she said, "You can't go to the lake.

You haven't been discharged yet."

I'm like... [audience laughing]

You know,

"Just tell her the turtle's trying to get out of the pond."

[audience laughing]

And she goes, "You can't have pets in the hospital."

I'm like, "Oh, my God! Are you really not getting this?"

So I finally said,

"No, just tell her I have to poop."

And she goes, "I'm sorry, you cut out. What did you say?"

[audience laughing] No, I did not!

I heard it through my door.

All of a sudden I hear, "Oh, Christie, it's Mr. Engvall.

He has to poop."

Oh, God!

So Christie comes in all bubbly.

"So we're gonna give it a try?"

Would you not be so bubbly about this?

So she gets me out of bed and I get in my walker.

And we get into the bathroom.

And it's some kind of like circus bathroom.

I mean, there's pipes and bars and a swing and a net

and a guy selling popcorn.

It was just like... [audience laughing]

And she gets me seated on the toilet,

and she stands there.

[audience laughing] I'm like...

I go, "This ain't gonna work if you're standing here."

And she goes, "I can't leave the room."

I go, "You've got to leave the room."

And she goes, "I can't,

because you might fall off the toilet."

And I go, "Oh, God!

I'm not gonna fall off the toilet."

I go, "Just stand on the other side of the door,

and if I think I'm gonna fall,

I'll give you a precursory, whoa, whoa, whoa,

And then you run in and save my life."

She said, "All right, but I have to leave

the door cracked open."

I'm like, "Oh, God, whatever. Just go."

'Cause I'm afraid this feeling is gonna pass.

As we said earlier,

Percocet, there is no bowel movement.

But what it does give you is explosive gas.

And apparently I had the bathroom

with the supersonic microphone in the toilet

'cause every time I passed gas

I sound like the bombs at Normandy

going [imitates bomb exploding].

And every time she goes, "Success?"

I'm like, "Shut up!"

Finally, like, a BB dropped out.

And I'm like, "That counts! That counts, right there."

So she leaves.

A couple hours later another nurse comes in and goes,

"Okay, Mr. Engvall, it's time for you to go to therapy."

The surgery doesn't hurt.

The physical therapy will bring tears to your eyes.

I never thought the words exercise bike

would make me cry out loud, but it did.

So they come and they get me.

They get me out of bed, and I get in my walker.

What am I, like, 90? [audience laughing]

And if you've ever watched anybody with a walker walk,

it makes a very distinct noise.

It goes [imitates clicking and scraping].

What I don't know is the wing of this hospital that I'm in,

all they do is hip and knee replacement.

So they get me out to the hallway to go to therapy,

and I'm walking down the hall,

and I'm hearing this [imitates clicking and scraping].

And I look behind me,

and there's like 10 other old guys and their walkers.

We're like a senior citizen train

heading to physical therapy.

So we go to therapy and we're coming back.

And the nurse says, "Look, gentlemen,

if you don't want to go back to your hospital rooms,

you can just sit here in the common area and visit."

Nobody wants to go back to their hospital rooms.

So we're all sitting around kind of a circle,

and there's just this awkward silence.

You know, we've all got our walkers by our chairs.

And nobody's talking. And I hate that.

So I thought, well, I got to be the one to break this.

But I don't know these guys.

I don't know where they're from or what their story is.

So I finally just look at the guy across and I go,

"Hey man. What kind of tennis balls you got on your walker?"

[audience laughing]

And he goes...

"Wilsons."

"Good brand. Smooth ride.

Yeah, they'll last a long time."

So finally people start talking.

Well, then naturally the conversation got to

how did you end up here?

And I swear to you as I am standing right here,

the guy to my left goes,

"Well, I was in Vietnam. I was a pilot.

A plane got shot down.

I took some shrapnel to the knee,

and it finally got so bad they had to replace it."

[audience laughing]

The guy over here goes,

:I used to play for the Houston Oilers,

and a 300-pound lineman took out my knee,

and it finally got so arthritic they had to replace it."

I'm like, "Oh, God." [audience laughing]

And then one of them goes, "What about you?"

I went, "Oh, God.

Well, boys,

I hurt mine doing the cha-cha."

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

There's no way to make that sound tough.

You know, nobody's gonna go, "Ooh."

You keep adding on, it just gets worse.

Yeah, thank God I had my leotards on,

because I heard it go. [audience laughing]

And I finally get discharged.

But if you want to know what my life is like in one moment,

this is it.

Gail comes and gets me,

and they wheel me downstairs to the lobby,

and they give me my crutches.

And I'm just getting ready to leave.

And I hear this, "Mr. Engvall."

And I turn around and on the second-floor balcony

that looks over to the lobby,

it's Christie, my nurse.

And I said, "Hey, Christie,

I just want to say thanks for everything.

You know, you guys treated me really well."

And she goes, "I forgot to tell you something."

I said, "What?"

And she went, "Whoa."

[audience cheering] [audience laughing]

But you know what?

If you've had a knee replacement,

you know what I'm talking about.

And I got to be honest with you.

I was really proud of myself, because it was very painful.

It was one of the most painful things I've ever been through

in my life, and I got through it.

And I was really proud of myself.

And I said, you know, you just got through something

that's probably the worst pain of your life.

Two days later, I got a kidney stone.

[audience laughing]

Turns out I was wrong.

Oh, man.

I would not wish this pain on the devil himself.

2:30 in the morning, I'm in an emergency room

crying like a little girl,

ripping holes in the sheets of the bed.

'Cause if you've had one, you know what I'm talking about.

It's like the most debilitating thing

that you can go through.

And I'm just like going, [grunts].

And this nurse goes,

"Well, now you know what it's like

to go through childbirth." [audience laughing]

And I said through my tears,

"Well, then, ma'am, y'all are stupid.

[audience laughing]

If this is what childbirth is like, there'd be no kids."

And then they gave me a little shot

of something called Dilaudid.

[audience laughing]

Why is this not in every candy section

of every grocery store?

My brother-in-law said,

"You went from crying like a little girl

to all of a sudden going, 'So, what's your name?'"

[audience laughing]

So I go to see my urologist.

And he goes, "Yeah, you got a kidney stone."

I said, "So what happens? I just pass it?"

And he goes, "Well, normally, that's what would happen."

He said, "But Bill, you have a very small urethra."

[audience laughing]

How do you even respond to that?

I said, "Well, you know what, doc?

It's kind of cold in here."

[audience laughing]

He's like, "Sir, that has nothing at all to do..."

There's three things in life a man never wants to hear.

"You kiss like a dog."

"You throw like a girl."

And, "You have a very small urethra."

[audience laughing]

So I said, "Well, what's gonna happen?"

He goes, "Well, we're gonna do this little procedure,

where we're gonna insert a tube

[audience laughing]

up through your wiener."

[audience laughing]

There's four things in life [audience laughing]

a man never wants to hear.

And inserting a tube in your wiener is numero uno.

He said, "What we'll do is we'll put that tube up there,

then we'll take the laser and we'll stick it up there

and we'll blast the stone."

And he said, "You'll be sedated."

And I said, "Yes, I will. [audience laughing]

As a matter of fact,

I want to be so sedated that I see that light

and I want to walk into it, all right?"

So they do the procedure.

They bring out the anesthesia.

And I said, "Did you get the stone?"

And he goes, "Bill, I have never had this happen

in my medical career."

[audience groaning] And I'm like...

"Please don't tell me you lost your wedding ring up there."

[audience laughing]

He said "No."

He said, "Your urethra is so small,

we couldn't even get the laser up there to blast the stone."

He said, "Is this hereditary?"

[audience laughing]

"I don't know!

Me and Pops never had that chat."

"Well, son, you're 21.

It's time you learn about the Engvall family curse.

Oh, we've all had small urethras.

In fact, your great-granddaddy Max Engvall,

he toured with Ripley's Believe It or Not!,

his was so small."

So I said, "So what happens now?"

And he goes, "Well, we put a stent in there

to spread your urethra. [audience groaning]

Leave it in there for two weeks.

We'll go back in and get the stone."

So for two weeks I have this stent.

I go back in, they put me under.

I come out and they go, "We got the stone."

And I said, "Thank God."

And he said,

"You can pull the stent out in a couple of days."

[audience laughing]

I'm sorry, what?

He said, "Yeah, you can just pull the stent out."

And I go, "What am I paying you to do?"

That's like gonna a restaurant and going,

"Yeah, I'll have the steak and lobster."

And they go, "Well, there's the kitchen. Go cook it."

[audience laughing]

I said, "Dude, I'm a comedian.

I don't know how to pull a stent out."

He goes, "You will."

And he leaves the room.

And I look under the sheet.

And without being too graphic,

I have a thread

hanging out of my wiener.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

I don't even sew. [audience laughing]

And let me tell you something.

When you have a thread hanging out of your ding-a-ling,

it makes it pretty interesting to pee.

Every time I'd pee it was like the fountains

at the Bellagio Hotel, just [mimicking water spraying].

And Gail keep going, "Bill, you're getting pee all over..."

I go, "Well, I got a thread

hanging out of my ding-a-ling!

Excuse me if the aim is a little off!"

A couple days goes by,

and the doctor calls.

And he goes, "I need you to pull the stent out today."

I'm like, "Oh, God."

I go, "Is this gonna hurt?"

And he goes, "No, no."

He goes, "Just take a couple Percocet, you'll be fine."

"Wait a minute, if it doesn't hurt,

why am I taking two Percocet?"

He said, "Well, I don't know what your pain threshold is."

And I said, "Then we're gonna have four."

[audience laughing]

So I eat my four Percocet.

And I looked at Gail and I said,

"Baby, you're gonna have to help me with this."

And she goes, "What? No." [audience laughing]

I go, "What do you mean, no? What happened to our vows?

You know, for better or worse. Sickness and health.

What if I hurt you or damage it?"

I go, "What else could be done to me at this point?"

[audience laughing]

And she goes,

"Well, I'm gonna have to shotgun a couple beers."

I'm like... [audience laughing]

Great, I'm on Percocet, you're drunk,

and we're performing a medical procedure.

This ought to be awesome. [audience laughing]

So she literally shotguns two beers in front of me

and then goes, "All right, let's do this."

And I go, "Not with that look on your face, ma'am.

You slap a smile on that face, sister."

So we go upstairs and I lay down on the bed,

and she takes hold of the string and she goes,

"Oh, wait, I got an idea."

And I said, "What?"

And she goes, "Why don't we tie the string to the doorknob."

[audience laughing]

And I go, "What?" [laughs]

I go, "This isn't a loose tooth!"

She starts pulling the string.

I go, "Stop, stop.

This is just too weird."

And she goes, "Thank God. I need another beer."

And like, ran out of the room. [audience laughing]

Stent is a very small word.

So I assumed this was a very small apparatus.

14 inches long. [audience groaning]

Yeah, I pulled this thing to the end of my length.

I had to go back and get the rest of it.

And finally it came out and I go, "It's out."

And I hear from the bathroom,

[imitates beer can opening] "Thank God!"

[audience laughing]

She said, "You want me to bring the trash can?"

I said, "No.

No, I'm gonna hang this from my rearview mirror."

[audience laughing]

And she said, "Why?"

And I go, "So the next time I'm having a bad day,

I can look at that mirror and go,

you know what? It could be worse."

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

And then two days later, I got shingles.

[audience laughing]

I'm scared to go to the doctor anymore.

I'm afraid the doctor's gonna look at Gail and go,

"Ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's just not worth it."

And all this stuff, all this stuff we've talked about,

the "Dancing with the Stars,"

my crazy genes in my family that I'm scared to hell

is gonna come back and haunt me.

You know, the menopause that someone won't acknowledge.

You know, we're praying to God my son finishes

his 10-year plan this semester.

It's just like, my God, son, just sit in class.

Something will sink in, I swear to you.

And then trying to get TV shows

and trying to get this show ready to film.

I've got so much stress in my life right now,

I don't even sleep at night.

I'm up till 4:30, 5:00 every morning,

'cause my little pea-sized brain won't shut down.

And, yes, I know.

I finally went to my doctor and I said,

"Doc, you got to write me a prescription

to help me sleep at night."

And he goes, "Oh, Bill,

I don't like writing prescriptions for pills.

They got bad side effects."

I go, "Dude, I'm dying here."

He said, "Bill, I never thought

I'd say this in my medical career."

He said, "Have you ever tried medical marijuana?"

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

I said, "Doc, I've never even tried un-medical marijuana."

[audience laughing]

I said, "I'm not going to jail 'cause I can't sleep."

He goes, "No, no, no. You're not gonna go to jail."

He said, "Here in California,

for medical reasons it's legal."

He said, "I'm gonna write you this card,

and I want you to take it to the dispensary down the road."

And I said, "What's a dispensary?"

He goes, "It's like a drugstore."

So I'm thinking, all right, it's like a Walgreens

or a CVS, you know?

People in lab coats with name tags.

No, it's a pot store. [audience laughing]

I walk in this store, and there's five white guys

with dreadlocks that want to hug me.

All right?

Have you ever walked into a bar,

and the second you walk through the door your brain went,

"Ooh, wrong bar." [audience laughing]

That's what this was.

I walk in, I looked around and went, oh, hell, no.

And I turned to leave.

And as I turned to leave,

I hear this voice from behind me go,

"Well, hello, my friend." [audience laughing]

And I turn around, and there's this kid.

And he goes, "My name is Peace."

I said, "Well, Peace, I think I'm in the wrong place."

And he goes, "Well, what brought you here?"

And I go, "Well, my doctor-"

He goes, "Oh, so now you're smarter than your doctor."

[audience laughing]

"What?"

He goes, "Well, your doctor sent you here,

but apparently on the way over you found a cure

for whatever it was.

So AKA, [audience laughing]

you're smarter than your doctor."

And I remember thinking to myself,

I'm being run circles around by a pothead.

I should be quicker than this.

And I go, "Well, he gave me this card."

And he goes, "Oh,

the key to the kingdom."

[audience laughing]

He goes, "Let me see your card."

So I hand him my card and he goes,

"Oh, having little problems going nighty-night, are we?"

[audience laughing]

What am I, seven? "Yeah, I guess."

He goes, "Well, turn around, my friend,

and welcome to Shangri-la."

And I turn around, and there is a full-on wall

of jars of marijuana.

And they all had names.

But they weren't medical names.

They were names like Bubba Kush,

apey grapey, Cindy cinnamon.

I'm in the Ben & Jerry's of pot.

[audience laughing]

And he pulls this jar off the wall.

And all I saw was the name comatose.

And he takes them out and puts it in a scale,

weighs it, and puts it in a bag and staples it shut.

And then he goes, "Now you go home and enjoy."

I had parked my car 50 feet from this pot store.

This was me walking back to my car

with this bag of marijuana.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, well, I know the cops are right

around the corner going,

"He's got the bag; take the shot, take the shot!"

I get to my car. I open the trunk.

I take the spare tire out. I put the pot in the wheel well.

I put the spare tire on top of that.

A dead body, some lime and a tarp.

I'm driving 15 miles an hour in a six-lane freeway

with my blinker on nine miles before my exit,

'cause I don't want to raise any red flags.

And the whole time I'm thinking, "What have you done?

You don't smoke pot.

You don't even know how to smoke pot."

And then the other side of brain goes, "Everybody, shut up.

Just shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Now, a roommate in college smoked pot,

and he always had these papers called Zig-Zags.

And he bought them at a convenience store.

And I remember thinking, I don't remember having

this many voices in my head.

So I pull into this 7-Eleven.

Y'all, I'm 58.

You would have thought I was a 12-year-old boy

trying to buy his very first "Hustler" magazine.

I walk in the store. The clerk goes, "What's up?"

I go, "What's up with you, my brother?"

[audience laughing]

He goes...

I don't know what came over me.

He goes, "What do you want?"

I go, "I'll tell you what I want, my friend.

I want a Slurpee, Slim Jims and Zig-Zags."

And he goes, "Dude, it's not illegal to buy papers."

And I said, "Was it that bad?"

And he went, "Jesus!" [audience laughing]

So I get my papers. I drive home.

I run down to the basement,

'cause I can't tell Gail about this.

She's way anti-pot.

She won't even let me go backstage

at a Willie Nelson concert. [audience laughing]

Well, she goes to bed that night.

I'm down in the basement. I got the pot, I got the papers.

I'm like...

Now what?

'Cause I don't smoke, I've never rolled a cigarette.

So I'm rolling what I think is a joint,

and it ends up looking like a chewed-up toothpick.

And I go, I can't smoke that.

And all of a sudden I went, oh, wait a minute.

I got my granddaddy's pipes.

My granddaddy was a pipe,

you remember your grandpa's tray of five pipes?

So I rummage through this closet.

I find one of granddaddy's pipes.

I put the pot in it.

Then I stood up, and I'm looking right in the mirror.

And I went, "Oh, my God. [audience laughing]

I look like Ward Cleaver trying to get high right now."

[audience laughing]

This would have been a great episode.

Ward puffing on that pipe.

[lips smacking]

[audience laughing]

[Bill laughing]

Hey, June. [audience laughing]

We named our kid Beaver! [audience laughing]

Okay, back to the basement.

I lit this pot. I took one puff.

Oh, my God, I coughed so hard,

I thought my liver was gonna jump out of my mouth.

I woke Gail up two flights up.

I'm in the basement going [coughs].

[audience laughing]

And Gail goes, "Bill!"

[audience laughing]

"Where are you?"

[audience laughing]

She goes, "Bill!"

I'm like, "Damn it, how are you doing that?"

[audience laughing]

And she goes, "Are you all right?"

And I'm like...

[audience laughing]

"Where's my Pink Floyd albums?

[audience laughing]

I need to hear "Hey You" right now."

And they don't tell you the weird stuff you think about

when you're high.

When you get high for the first time,

there should be somebody there to help you.

Like a shaman.

You know, some Indian spirit.

And he goes, "Hey, man, relax.

This is all real."

I'm baked out of my gourd in our basement,

and this thought pops in my head.

whoa, you're high,

yet you're low.

[audience laughing]

Well, I cannot deal with that right now.

And the paranoia? Oh, my God.

I just flushed the pot down the toilet.

Yeah, I couldn't deal with it.

And I called my doctor and I said,

"What the hell was that?"

He goes, "What?"

And I go, "Dude, I coughed so hard

I thought you would have to replace my liver."

And he goes, "Oh, Bill, you don't smoke it.

You eat it."

And I said, "What?" [audience laughing]

He goes, "They have these brownies."

I said, "Yeah, I saw those."

He goes, "Well, the pot's in the brownies."

He goes, "Go back and get a week's worth of brownies."

So I go back to the pot store. There's Peace.

"What up? [audience laughing]

So, how'd it go?"

And I go, "Well, to be honest,

I coughed till I thought they were gonna replace my liver."

And he goes, "Well, you know the old saying."

[audience laughing]

"What?"

He goes, "You got to cough to get off."

Well, that doesn't even make sense.

And he goes, "What are you doing back here?"

And I go, "Well, I'm supposed to get some brownies."

And he goes, "Oh!

Most excellent choice."

[audience laughing]

So he goes and gets me my brownies.

Well, y'all, these brownies are the size of postcards.

And there's no dosage on them.

They don't say, hey, all you need is a corner.

[audience laughing]

I go home, go down to the basement,

I ate the whole brownie.

[audience laughing]

And I was fine for 20 minutes.

And then I didn't have a body.

[audience laughing]

And I pretty much freaked out.

I'm in my basement going, "Oh, my God!

I'm just a head on the floor in my basement!

How am I gonna get out of here?

A head can't roll upstairs.

Oh, God, and Gail's gonna have to push me around

in a baby stroller

and go, 'Hi, this is my husband, Bill, the Head.

Well, yeah, he doesn't have a body,

'cause he experimented with marijuana, didn't you?'"

And I am freaking out. And I go, I got to calm down.

I got to watch some TV. I turn on my TV.

You don't think there's karma gods out there?

What comes on?

"Cops." [audience laughing]

Yeah. Yeah.

And there's a police helicopter.

It's right above my house. I can hear it.

I'm going, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'm going to jail and I'm just a head.

Who knows what kind of sick, disgusting things

they'll do to a head in jail?"

Then I realized, it's not a police helicopter.

It's our ceiling fan clicking around in our basement.

[audience laughing]

And then the phone rang, and it was my mom.

[audience groaning]

Oh, I don't care if you're 58 or you're 15.

When you're high,

the last voice you need to hear is your mother.

How I answered the phone, I don't know.

I'm just a head.

And I said, "Hello?"

And she goes, "Hi, honey. It's Mom."

I went, "Oh, God.

Hi, Mom."

And she goes, "What are you doing?"

I went, "Nothing. [audience laughing]

Sure not doing marijuana."

I go, "What do you want, Mom?

This really isn't a good time."

She goes, "Well, honey, I'm calling you from the hospital."

And I said, "What?"

She goes, "Your father was having chest pains."

I said, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Is Dad having a heart attack?"

She goes, "No, honey, relax. Jeez.

The doctor just says he has acute angina."

[audience laughing]

"He has a what?"

"He has acute angina."

I go, "Stop saying that, Mom!"

She goes, "Saying what?"

I go, "That my dad has a cute vagina!"

[audience laughing]

She goes, "I think I have the wrong number."

I go, "I think you do!" [audience laughing]

Well, now I'm completely freaked out.

I'm like, oh, my God!

My father

has a vagina.

[audience laughing]

Well, that explains the small urethra.

There you go. [audience laughing]

I mean, my God!

How did I even get here? [audience laughing]

Oh, my God. My mother has a wiener.

My mother has a wiener! [audience laughing]

We're gonna be on "Maury Povich."

Oh, my God.

No wonder we never went to the beach.

And I must have been screaming all this out loud,

because Gail came running down the stairs.

She goes, "What is wrong with you?"

I go, "Well, pretty big bombshell today.

I just found out my father

has a vagina." [audience laughing]

She goes, "No, he doesn't."

I said, "Yes, he does! And apparently it's a cute one!"

[audience laughing]

I passed out.

I woke up with the worst headache

I've ever had in my life.

Not from the marijuana,

but because I slept on the floor for 17 hours.

[audience laughing]

And when I [laughs],

when I finally came to, the first thing I did was go,

"Oh, thank God it's back."

[audience laughing]

And then I called my dad.

He really didn't understand the conversation.

[audience laughing]

And I'm just in this fog.

And all I want's a cup of coffee.

And I stagger upstairs.

And I walk in the kitchen, and I look up

and there's Gail lying on the breakfast table,

drinking milk out of the carton,

which she never does.

I go, "What are you doing?"

She goes, "Where'd you get these brownies?

They're delicious!" [audience applauding]

I said, "Welcome to Shangri-la."

[audience laughing]

You guys are awesome.

I knew you would be.

- We love you, Bill! - Thank you, buddy.

I love y'all too, man. You guys-

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

I got to tell you,

when I started this silly business 35 years ago,

I never thought it'd be this.

I mean, I thought I'd do it for a year, maybe two.

And y'all have stuck with me through 35 years of comedy.

And God bless your hearts, you keep doing it.

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

And I love people that love to laugh.

I love to laugh myself.

As a matter of fact,

people come up to me after the show and they go,

"Are you laughing at your own jokes?"

I'm like, "Please.

[audience laughing] I've heard them."

[audience laughing]

But what makes me laugh is if I tell you a joke

and I see it hits somebody, they didn't see it coming.

Or if you trip and fall.

[audience laughing]

I'll help you up, but I'm gonna laugh.

Just know that.

And I'll tell you what, laughter will get you through

some rough bumps in the road, man.

A few years back I went home to see my dad,

because his best friend had passed away

and it just tore my old man up.

You know, I'd never seen Dad like that.

And as we're walking out of our house in the suits

to go to the funeral, he's crying.

And I'm trying to find the right words

to make him feel better like I know he'd do for me.

And just nothing's working, you know?

And this is where I honestly believe this.

That even in the darkest of times,

if you're willing to look hard enough,

the good Lord will give you a smile.

That's right, about that second,

my best friend from high school drives up.

And he is an idiot.

I love him to death,

but he's dumber than a bag of rocks.

And he hollers from his car, "Engvall, you dirtbag!

[audience laughing]

You didn't call me when you hit town,

did you, Mr. Hollywood?

Why you all dressed up, stupid? It ain't Sunday."

I said, "Jimmy, we're going to Mr. Howard's funeral."

And he goes, "Oh, hell.

Did he die?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "No, but he ain't feeling good,

so we're having a dress rehearsal."

[audience laughing]

Here's your sign.

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

I'll tell you what.

Y'all have been great.

I'm gonna give you a few of my favorites

over the past 35 years of doing this.

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

And, unfortunately, my lovely bride

holds position one and two.

[audience laughing]

And she's not stupid, good God.

She's the smartest person I ever met in my life.

But some of the stuff that comes out of that woman's mouth.

We decided we was gonna get TiVo.

So I went over to Best Buy to pick it up.

It said on the box, installs in 30 minutes or less. [scoffs]

Apparently they never met me.

Eight hours later, I got this thing going.

And I don't know how they do it,

but it is amazing.

Gail came down to the basement. "Honey, this is crazy."

I go, "Watch this.

I can pause live sports."

And she goes, "And they'll just wait?"

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Mm-hmm. [audience laughing]

"But if I leave it on too long, the commissioner calls me."

[audience laughing]

Here's your sign.

I was doing a show like this one time for a company,

and they wanted it to be a surprise for the employees

that I was the entertainment.

So they flew me in the night before

at this resort on their little puddle jumper airplane,

which I was not thrilled about.

And we flew in at night.

And when we land on the runway at night,

we hit a deer with our airplane.

[audience laughing] Oh, it whacked this deer.

It broke the propeller.

We skidded off the runway.

And I laugh now 'cause I'm alive,

but I called Gail and I said,

"Sweetie, you're not gonna believe this one."

I go, "We just hit a deer with our airplane."

And she goes, "Oh, no."

And then there was a pause. [audience laughing]

And I could hear those little gears just grinding.

And then she goes, "Wait, were you on the ground?"

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

I said, "Nope, Santa was making one last run."

[audience laughing]

Here's your sign.

[audience applauding]

All right, all right, I'll fess up.

I always make fun of other people.

But I'll tell you one that happened to me.

A couple of years back I had to get a vasectomy.

And I'm sitting in the doctor...

You know what just hit me?

In the last two years,

I've had more people touch my junk than Fred Sanford.

[audience laughing]

That ain't right.

Well, I'm sitting in this chair.

I got my shirt on, but I'm naked from the waist down.

My feet are up on these stirrups.

Ladies, I don't know how you do it, I swear to God.

And the doctor's down there just kind of...

[audience laughing]

Tugging on my sac.

[audience laughing]

Awkward.

[audience laughing]

Well, I didn't know what else to do.

So I just started whistling.

[audience laughing]

It seemed right at the time!

He's tugging away and I'm just [whistles].

All of a sudden this head

[audience laughing]

peeks up between my legs.

I can't believe I'm telling you this.

[audience laughing]

This head peeks up between my legs

and he goes, "You trying to distract yourself?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "No, I'm just so comfortable

I forgot I wasn't alone."

[audience laughing]

Here's your sign.

God bless you guys. Thank you very much.

[audience cheering] [upbeat music]