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*** pumpkins, industrial size candy-corn,
2
00:00:04,802 --> 00:00:07,750
*** could only mean one thing:
3
00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:10,456
it was stripper-shoe season in Chatswin...
4
00:00:11,097 --> 00:00:13,029
or as it's known to the ***
5
00:00:13,061 --> 00:00:13,875
Halloween.
6
00:00:13,995 --> 00:00:17,097
I would now like to present my
design concept for this year's
7
00:00:17,128 --> 00:00:18,614
Halloween costume.
8
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Slutty-skank.
9
00:00:20,611 --> 00:00:22,571
Using a very sparkling chain
10
00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:25,089
that goes from by belly piercing to my tail
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00:00:25,128 --> 00:00:28,233
I would then spread
cheap drugstore perfumes,
12
00:00:28,272 --> 00:00:29,860
on my enemies,
13
00:00:30,132 --> 00:00:31,733
from my butt.
14
00:00:31,784 --> 00:00:33,501
That I haven't seen before.
15
00:00:33,536 --> 00:00:34,636
(Chuckles, door opens)
16
00:00:34,670 --> 00:00:35,920
I'm sorry. I just...
17
00:00:35,938 --> 00:00:37,639
I... I can't keep silent on this any longer.
18
00:00:37,673 --> 00:00:38,974
Sisters,
19
00:00:39,008 --> 00:00:41,076
doesn't society degrade us enough,
20
00:00:41,110 --> 00:00:42,978
what, with the beer ads
21
00:00:43,012 --> 00:00:44,512
and the wage gap
22
00:00:44,547 --> 00:00:48,867
and the chart-topping
return of Chris Brown?
23
00:00:48,901 --> 00:00:50,568
By using Halloween to objectify yourselves,
24
00:00:50,586 --> 00:00:52,771
you are only adding fuel to the fire.
25
00:00:52,805 --> 00:00:54,589
(Gasps) Slutty firefighter.
26
00:00:54,624 --> 00:00:56,925
I soak my thong in kerosene...
27
00:00:56,959 --> 00:00:58,059
I give up.
28
00:00:59,478 --> 00:01:02,864
(Spooky music playing)
29
00:01:11,722 --> 00:01:13,807
You know me, Marcheeza,
I'd never leave something
30
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,592
as critical as a Halloween costume
31
00:01:15,626 --> 00:01:17,227
to the last minute,
32
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,162
but this year I was sincerely stumped.
33
00:01:19,196 --> 00:01:22,482
And then last night, it
hit me like Chris Brown.
34
00:01:22,533 --> 00:01:24,968
I returned to my very own dream home,
35
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:27,504
I looked into my oversized
gold-framed mirror and thought,
36
00:01:27,538 --> 00:01:30,640
it's time... Barbie time.
37
00:01:30,675 --> 00:01:31,675
Spread legs.
38
00:01:31,709 --> 00:01:33,210
You make a good point, 'Cheez.
39
00:01:33,244 --> 00:01:36,279
No Barbie would be complete without Ken.
40
00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:38,215
There's a gentleman I've
been circling for over a year,
41
00:01:38,249 --> 00:01:41,668
and now on the sluttiest of autumn nights,
42
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:44,221
and beneath the bust of my busty
43
00:01:44,255 --> 00:01:46,172
ample-busted mentor Joy Behar,
44
00:01:46,224 --> 00:01:48,491
I plan to ask George Altman out.
45
00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:49,576
(Bell on door dings)
46
00:01:49,627 --> 00:01:50,994
Hey.
47
00:01:51,012 --> 00:01:52,295
I, uh, I got your text
48
00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:55,431
saying there was something
wrong with the light thingy?
49
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,733
Oh, silly me.
50
00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:58,351
Uh, it turns out, it
wasn't that light thingy.
51
00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,336
It was another thingy altogether.
52
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,272
Well, that's the thing about thingies.
53
00:02:02,306 --> 00:02:04,574
(Laughs) Too true.
54
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:05,542
(Laughs)
55
00:02:05,576 --> 00:02:07,294
That is too, too true.
56
00:02:07,345 --> 00:02:08,628
(Chuckles)
57
00:02:08,663 --> 00:02:10,530
Will you help me down?
58
00:02:10,581 --> 00:02:11,948
(Sighs)
59
00:02:13,150 --> 00:02:16,052
As you know, the club's big Halloween bash
60
00:02:16,086 --> 00:02:17,220
is tomorrow night,
61
00:02:17,254 --> 00:02:18,822
and since I'm going as Barbie,
62
00:02:18,856 --> 00:02:22,475
I was hoping that maybe I
could convince you to be Ken.
63
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,060
Me, Ken?
64
00:02:24,094 --> 00:02:25,478
(Laughs)
65
00:02:25,529 --> 00:02:27,464
I don't think I could pull off Ken.
66
00:02:27,498 --> 00:02:28,882
(Cell phone buzzing) Oh, I think you could.
67
00:02:28,933 --> 00:02:30,483
No, trust me. I'm not your guy.
68
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:31,952
Oh.
69
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,687
Well, if you say so.
70
00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:36,655
But I am definitely going to the party,
71
00:02:36,706 --> 00:02:38,457
so I've gotta come up with a costume.
72
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,842
I'll see you there?
73
00:02:40,041 --> 00:02:41,141
Yeah. Well, yes, you will.
74
00:02:41,176 --> 00:02:42,476
I gotta run.
75
00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:44,113
Are you sure you don't
need help with that thingy?
76
00:02:44,148 --> 00:02:45,398
Nope.
77
00:02:45,449 --> 00:02:48,251
As it turns out, there
was no thingy at all.
78
00:02:48,285 --> 00:02:50,520
Okay.
79
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:51,972
(Door opens, bell on door dings)
80
00:02:53,288 --> 00:02:55,155
It's an opportunity to be
whatever you want to be,
81
00:02:55,189 --> 00:02:56,907
and what do they want?
82
00:02:56,941 --> 00:02:59,042
They want to show ass cleavage.
83
00:02:59,093 --> 00:03:01,395
I just don't understand
why girls here are s...
84
00:03:01,429 --> 00:03:03,897
are so determined to degrade themselves.
85
00:03:03,915 --> 00:03:06,617
Dance like nobody's watching. Am I right?
86
00:03:06,651 --> 00:03:08,134
No. What?
87
00:03:08,152 --> 00:03:09,953
Are... are you even listening to me?
88
00:03:09,988 --> 00:03:11,238
Not really.
89
00:03:11,272 --> 00:03:12,756
When you start ranting,
90
00:03:12,790 --> 00:03:15,525
I tend to start shopping in
the craft store of my mind.
91
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,661
Aisle one is bead kits,
92
00:03:17,695 --> 00:03:18,996
decorative snaps,
93
00:03:19,047 --> 00:03:20,497
wood glue.
94
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:24,417
(Spooky music playing)
95
00:03:24,435 --> 00:03:26,519
Hey!
96
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,657
Aisle four has glitter sticks.
97
00:03:30,675 --> 00:03:33,360
There's an express checkout
if you have less than 12 items,
98
00:03:33,394 --> 00:03:34,778
but I never do.
99
00:03:34,812 --> 00:03:36,446
Lisa, did you just see that?
100
00:03:36,497 --> 00:03:38,799
I think someone's been following me.
101
00:03:39,593 --> 00:03:41,594
(George) Hey, what if I just put on
102
00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,062
a, uh, a blazer and went as Seinfeld?
103
00:03:43,096 --> 00:03:45,198
(Imitating Jerry Seinfeld) What
would be the deal with that?
104
00:03:45,232 --> 00:03:46,783
(Chuckles)
105
00:03:46,817 --> 00:03:48,034
Fresh.
106
00:03:48,052 --> 00:03:49,502
(Doorbell rings)
107
00:03:49,536 --> 00:03:51,671
I mean, doorbells...
what's the deal with those?
108
00:03:51,705 --> 00:03:53,840
It's not a door. It's not a bell.
109
00:03:53,874 --> 00:03:56,759
It is, dad. It is a
bell, and it's on a door.
110
00:03:56,810 --> 00:03:59,178
There's no deal with them.
111
00:04:01,598 --> 00:04:03,566
(Clears throat)
112
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,318
What's the deal with you?
113
00:04:05,352 --> 00:04:07,820
(Imitating George) What
is the deal with you?
114
00:04:07,855 --> 00:04:10,573
I see. So that's your Halloween costume?
115
00:04:10,607 --> 00:04:11,774
Okay.
116
00:04:11,825 --> 00:04:13,359
This is supposed to be me?
117
00:04:13,393 --> 00:04:15,445
Ah, okay. You're supposed to be me.
118
00:04:15,496 --> 00:04:19,499
Ah, okay. (Slurs words together)
You're supposed to be me. Ah!
119
00:04:19,533 --> 00:04:20,750
(Normal voice) Your voice, it's like
120
00:04:20,784 --> 00:04:23,119
Kathleen Turner after drinking a milkshake.
121
00:04:23,170 --> 00:04:24,620
You're an idiot.
122
00:04:24,671 --> 00:04:27,040
(Imitates George) You're an idiot.
123
00:04:27,074 --> 00:04:28,674
(Normal voice) Better already. (Laughs)
124
00:04:28,709 --> 00:04:30,510
Synced and corrected by chamallow...
...www.addic7ed.com...
125
00:04:30,544 --> 00:04:35,348
(Alih Jay) * last night I
had a pleasant nightmare *
126
00:04:35,382 --> 00:04:38,718
♪ da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da ♪
127
00:04:38,832 --> 00:04:40,299
Did you know that the Pygmies
128
00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:42,401
have their own macrame tradition?
129
00:04:42,436 --> 00:04:46,305
Or micro-me, if you will. (Chuckles)
130
00:04:46,339 --> 00:04:48,391
I will not.
131
00:04:51,778 --> 00:04:54,346
Did you check out that weird book?
132
00:04:54,364 --> 00:04:55,565
No.
133
00:04:55,616 --> 00:04:58,618
I have no idea how this got in here.
134
00:04:58,652 --> 00:05:01,404
Something strange is going on, Lisa.
135
00:05:01,455 --> 00:05:02,738
Somebody was watching me in the bathroom,
136
00:05:02,789 --> 00:05:04,407
and now this shows up in my bag.
137
00:05:04,458 --> 00:05:07,577
And... what are these weird symbols?
138
00:05:07,628 --> 00:05:10,296
Oh, those aren't symbols.
Those are runes...
139
00:05:10,330 --> 00:05:12,932
Celtic runes.
140
00:05:12,966 --> 00:05:14,420
I may be able to decipher this thanks to
141
00:05:14,421 --> 00:05:16,886
a "Lord of the dance" phase
I went through freshman year.
142
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,722
Let's just see.
143
00:05:19,756 --> 00:05:21,224
(Gasps) Aah!
144
00:05:21,258 --> 00:05:23,476
Satan scrawl! Scrawl of Satan!
145
00:05:23,510 --> 00:05:26,479
You give me that... that evil screed
146
00:05:26,513 --> 00:05:28,064
lest thy hands be burned.
147
00:05:28,098 --> 00:05:29,732
How dare you bring this into my house.
148
00:05:29,766 --> 00:05:31,067
I didn't mean to.
149
00:05:31,101 --> 00:05:33,236
It just kind of showed up in my bag.
150
00:05:33,270 --> 00:05:34,403
(Huffs)
151
00:05:34,438 --> 00:05:35,738
Of course it did.
152
00:05:35,772 --> 00:05:38,024
That is exactly how she works.
153
00:05:38,058 --> 00:05:40,159
Who?
154
00:05:40,194 --> 00:05:41,944
(Whispers) She whose
name must not be spoken.
155
00:05:43,830 --> 00:05:45,615
The witch of East Chatswin.
156
00:05:45,666 --> 00:05:47,283
You know her?
157
00:05:47,334 --> 00:05:48,618
(Normal voice) Know her?
I endured one of life's
158
00:05:48,669 --> 00:05:51,254
most twisted and brutal rituals with her.
159
00:05:51,288 --> 00:05:52,839
Middle school.
160
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,207
(Sheila) Back in those days,
161
00:05:54,258 --> 00:05:56,509
young ladies didn't open
their own pudding cups,
162
00:05:56,543 --> 00:06:00,596
but then, the witch was no lady.
163
00:06:02,165 --> 00:06:03,967
While the rest of us girls were learning
164
00:06:04,001 --> 00:06:07,103
to bake cinnamon pinwheels in Home Ec...
165
00:06:08,472 --> 00:06:10,189
The witch took shop.
166
00:06:10,224 --> 00:06:11,941
(Whirs)
167
00:06:11,976 --> 00:06:15,194
And when my Holly
Homemaker doll went missing,
168
00:06:15,229 --> 00:06:18,564
I knew just what diabolical
creature was to blame.
169
00:06:18,615 --> 00:06:19,732
Join me, Sheila.
170
00:06:19,783 --> 00:06:20,967
Never, Paula.
171
00:06:21,001 --> 00:06:22,986
Turns out her name can be spoken.
172
00:06:23,020 --> 00:06:25,121
It's... it's Paula.
173
00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:26,472
(Timer dings)
174
00:06:26,507 --> 00:06:28,291
I knew it.
175
00:06:28,325 --> 00:06:30,460
Two minutes in the microwave
on the popcorn setting,
176
00:06:30,494 --> 00:06:31,995
and not even a singe.
177
00:06:32,029 --> 00:06:34,747
Her evil is more potent than ever.
178
00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:39,218
Mmm. Oh, 30 seconds to
succulence, my sweet.
179
00:06:39,253 --> 00:06:41,220
Get those steaks off the grill, Fred.
180
00:06:41,255 --> 00:06:42,722
Oh.
181
00:06:45,142 --> 00:06:46,259
(Inhales sharply)
182
00:06:46,310 --> 00:06:48,728
Mrs. shay, you haven't burned a book
183
00:06:48,762 --> 00:06:51,681
since "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy.
184
00:07:00,491 --> 00:07:02,266
You know, instead of following me around
185
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:03,175
ridiculing me,
186
00:07:03,194 --> 00:07:05,031
you could actually help me with the chores.
187
00:07:05,065 --> 00:07:06,441
(imitates George) You
could actually help me
188
00:07:06,453 --> 00:07:07,366
with the chores.
189
00:07:07,384 --> 00:07:08,993
(normal voice) I like it. That's good.
190
00:07:09,274 --> 00:07:11,264
See, irritated George goes up in register.
191
00:07:11,270 --> 00:07:12,102
He goes nasal.
192
00:07:12,121 --> 00:07:13,585
This isn't even a good me.
193
00:07:13,973 --> 00:07:15,418
No one's gonna buy it.
194
00:07:16,583 --> 00:07:17,758
Hey, George.
195
00:07:17,878 --> 00:07:20,167
Nice to see you getting
the cans out on time.
196
00:07:20,185 --> 00:07:22,720
Now try bringing 'em in before
the return of the Messiah.
197
00:07:22,770 --> 00:07:24,540
(Imitates George) I
have a willful daughter.
198
00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:26,492
I know.
199
00:07:26,510 --> 00:07:27,727
(Sighs)
200
00:07:27,761 --> 00:07:28,794
You know what?
201
00:07:28,829 --> 00:07:30,079
I need to thank you.
202
00:07:30,113 --> 00:07:31,214
(Normal voice) Why?
203
00:07:31,248 --> 00:07:33,382
For showing you the man in the mirror?
204
00:07:33,417 --> 00:07:34,901
No.
205
00:07:34,935 --> 00:07:38,604
For helping me decide what
I'm gonna be for Halloween.
206
00:07:38,639 --> 00:07:40,039
(Door creaks)
207
00:07:40,073 --> 00:07:42,441
(Spooky music playing)
208
00:07:42,860 --> 00:07:44,427
Hello?
209
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,514
Halloween day...
210
00:07:48,549 --> 00:07:51,200
I had a costume to plan,
211
00:07:51,218 --> 00:07:52,602
a book report to finish,
212
00:07:52,636 --> 00:07:53,853
and apparently...
213
00:07:53,887 --> 00:07:56,022
a witch on my ass.
214
00:07:58,866 --> 00:08:00,283
It's the only explanation.
215
00:08:00,301 --> 00:08:02,969
She's marked you for
human sacrifice on this,
216
00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:04,454
the devil's sabbath.
217
00:08:04,488 --> 00:08:06,673
That's the only explanation, huh?
218
00:08:06,724 --> 00:08:07,807
I don't know.
219
00:08:07,842 --> 00:08:11,261
She is working pretty hard to contact me.
220
00:08:11,295 --> 00:08:12,946
Kind of flattering.
221
00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:15,515
A little black dress is flattering.
222
00:08:15,549 --> 00:08:17,417
Maybe we don't have the same
definition of flattering.
223
00:08:17,451 --> 00:08:19,252
Tessa... (Chuckles)
224
00:08:19,287 --> 00:08:22,188
this is a woman that
my mother is scared of.
225
00:08:22,223 --> 00:08:24,124
My mother, the woman who once
chased away a Mountain lion
226
00:08:24,158 --> 00:08:26,376
with nothing but an arched eyebrow?
227
00:08:26,394 --> 00:08:28,178
Aren't you just a little
bit curious, though?
228
00:08:28,312 --> 00:08:31,414
Curiosity killed the cat. I
shouldn't have to remind you.
229
00:08:31,449 --> 00:08:33,049
But if you won't listen to me...
230
00:08:34,985 --> 00:08:37,020
let us consult the spirits.
231
00:08:37,654 --> 00:08:40,423
I'm not a huge believ...
232
00:08:40,457 --> 00:08:41,757
Spirits,
233
00:08:41,775 --> 00:08:43,492
will Tessa fall into harm's way
234
00:08:43,527 --> 00:08:47,863
if she pays a visit to
the witch of east Chatswin?
235
00:08:50,984 --> 00:08:52,151
You pushed it.
236
00:08:52,185 --> 00:08:54,337
The spirits work through me. Deal with it.
237
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,641
Lisa.
238
00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:03,642
Tessa.
239
00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:05,577
Look,
240
00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:08,463
I am from Manhattan, okay?
241
00:09:08,498 --> 00:09:10,182
I used to ride the subway.
242
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,833
Tessa, I mean this in
the nicest possible way,
243
00:09:11,868 --> 00:09:14,903
but... living in the
suburbs has turned you soft.
244
00:09:14,937 --> 00:09:16,605
You've lost your edge.
245
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,590
I mean, the old you may
have been able to take on
246
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,125
a witch like the witch of East Chatswin,
247
00:09:20,159 --> 00:09:22,127
but the new you is safer here,
248
00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:23,945
in my trundle bed.
249
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,630
Wouldn't you agree?
250
00:09:31,604 --> 00:09:33,805
George's transformation
into Noah had begun,
251
00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,223
and it wasn't gonna be pretty.
252
00:09:35,258 --> 00:09:37,008
(Exhales deeply) Let's do this, bitches.
253
00:09:37,042 --> 00:09:38,693
♪
254
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,730
(woman singing in Japanese)
255
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:51,923
It was all fun and games until...
256
00:09:51,941 --> 00:09:53,324
♪
257
00:09:53,358 --> 00:09:55,393
Good-bye, old friend.
258
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:58,279
(Buzzing)
259
00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:04,369
(Buzzing stops)
260
00:10:06,403 --> 00:10:08,938
(George cries)
261
00:10:13,477 --> 00:10:16,729
W... who did this to you?
262
00:10:16,764 --> 00:10:18,581
I did this to myself.
263
00:10:18,615 --> 00:10:20,700
But why?
264
00:10:20,734 --> 00:10:22,602
Tessa, there are things in life that you do
265
00:10:22,636 --> 00:10:24,137
because you have to,
266
00:10:24,171 --> 00:10:25,755
not because you want to.
267
00:10:30,377 --> 00:10:32,011
Now if you'll excuse me,
268
00:10:32,062 --> 00:10:34,197
I'm about to go deep on this bronzer.
269
00:10:34,231 --> 00:10:36,833
If George was brave enough
to face his naked face,
270
00:10:36,867 --> 00:10:39,802
then I was brave enough to
meet the witch of East Chatswin.
271
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:44,375
You know whose confidence
this wouldn't shake?
272
00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:45,861
Barbie.
273
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:48,947
Bitch owns her own home, has
mastered many professions,
274
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:52,217
and in some cases, she can
regenerate her own ponytail.
275
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:55,453
Let her be an inspiration
to us both, Marcheeza.
276
00:10:55,471 --> 00:10:56,955
(Snores)
277
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:58,073
Marcheeza!
278
00:10:58,124 --> 00:10:59,791
You don't look old!
279
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:02,277
I'm gonna make you proud tonight, Marcheez.
280
00:11:02,311 --> 00:11:03,578
(Chimes tinkle)
281
00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:06,564
With or without a Ken.
282
00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:09,668
(Sheila) Boys, hands where I can see 'em.
283
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:11,670
Ladies, they will not buy the cow.
284
00:11:11,704 --> 00:11:14,105
I am talking to you, Pocahontas.
285
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,074
(Indistinct conversations)
286
00:11:16,108 --> 00:11:19,060
That horn-rimmed look
is working for me, Velma.
287
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,311
You like a bossy girl?
288
00:11:20,329 --> 00:11:21,446
Do ya?
289
00:11:21,464 --> 00:11:23,982
Go get me a couple of pumpkin mini muffins.
290
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:25,784
Done.
291
00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:27,252
*
292
00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:29,420
Whoa. What's... what's going on, man?
293
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:30,555
You dressed as Fred?
294
00:11:30,573 --> 00:11:32,340
When we said Scooby gang, I just assumed...
295
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:33,858
- You assumed what?
- I just figured...
296
00:11:33,876 --> 00:11:35,227
You... you figured what?
297
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:37,495
That you would be Shaggy.
298
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,381
Oh, so there it is.
299
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,650
No, now it's on the table. I... I'm Shaggy?
300
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,834
I... I'm Shaggy, right?
301
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:43,935
What's wrong with Shaggy?
302
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,120
Well, you tell me, brother,
303
00:11:45,154 --> 00:11:46,271
'cause I don't see you dressed as Shaggy.
304
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:47,806
- I see you dressed as Fred.
- Well, because...
305
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,090
Oh, or maybe you thought I was
gonna be Scooby Doo, mother...
306
00:11:49,321 --> 00:11:51,039
Malik, the gang has a more pressing issue.
307
00:11:51,090 --> 00:11:52,223
Daphne's missing.
308
00:12:01,896 --> 00:12:03,863
You can do this.
309
00:12:03,898 --> 00:12:06,149
You're not soft.
310
00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,234
You're the same girl who went
to a house party in Brooklyn
311
00:12:08,252 --> 00:12:10,387
at the wrong house.
312
00:12:10,421 --> 00:12:13,790
You had to run two blocks
from that sketchy dude.
313
00:12:16,227 --> 00:12:17,827
However sketchy the witch is,
314
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:20,046
she couldn't be as sketchy
as that sketchy dude.
315
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:23,216
(Chanting in foreign language)
316
00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:24,384
I stand corrected.
317
00:12:24,418 --> 00:12:27,387
Tessa. Join us.
318
00:12:27,421 --> 00:12:29,889
Oh, my gosh. Yes.
319
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,558
Yes.
320
00:12:31,592 --> 00:12:33,893
I'll totally join you.
I can't wait to join you.
321
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:36,146
I gotta go get my cloak out of my car
322
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:40,033
'cause I don't want to
be the only one cloakless.
323
00:12:52,114 --> 00:12:53,248
What can I get you, sir?
324
00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:54,516
Wow. Great service.
325
00:12:54,550 --> 00:12:55,834
A beer, please.
326
00:12:55,868 --> 00:12:57,252
Right away. Shall I start a tab?
327
00:12:57,286 --> 00:12:58,553
Certainly.
328
00:12:58,588 --> 00:13:00,505
Did not know you did that here.
329
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,791
Hm-hm-hm.
330
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:05,377
Noah Werner, I presume.
331
00:13:05,411 --> 00:13:06,511
*
332
00:13:06,512 --> 00:13:08,313
(imitates George) Beer, please.
333
00:13:08,331 --> 00:13:10,515
That'll be $7.50, including gratuity.
334
00:13:10,550 --> 00:13:11,917
I need the payment up front.
335
00:13:11,951 --> 00:13:13,135
(Normal voice) I'm getting
very different treatment
336
00:13:13,169 --> 00:13:14,252
dressed as you, George.
337
00:13:14,287 --> 00:13:16,621
You don't say.
338
00:13:16,639 --> 00:13:17,823
Ow.
339
00:13:17,857 --> 00:13:20,258
Life is brutal behind the flannel curtain.
340
00:13:20,292 --> 00:13:22,861
Okay, look, just because
I don't float through life
341
00:13:22,895 --> 00:13:25,013
sockless in nubuck loafers
does not mean I'm inferior.
342
00:13:25,047 --> 00:13:26,982
You think I float through life?
343
00:13:27,033 --> 00:13:28,917
I've worked hard, damn hard,
for everything I've got.
344
00:13:28,968 --> 00:13:31,503
Dental school was no picnic.
345
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:34,085
Although we did take a
lot of meals out of doors.
346
00:13:34,119 --> 00:13:35,386
But that's mainly because
347
00:13:35,421 --> 00:13:37,321
the weather is so mild in
that part of the Caribbean.
348
00:13:37,356 --> 00:13:39,207
Well, it looks like at least one person
349
00:13:39,241 --> 00:13:41,392
doesn't think being me is so inferior.
350
00:13:41,427 --> 00:13:43,077
*
351
00:13:43,895 --> 00:13:46,980
Are you implying that she's
more attracted to me as you
352
00:13:47,015 --> 00:13:49,199
than she would be to me as me?
353
00:13:49,234 --> 00:13:51,068
Hi. Hmm. Looks like she's not feeling it.
354
00:13:51,119 --> 00:13:53,019
Well, I think that she is just repulsed
355
00:13:53,037 --> 00:13:55,022
by your sad attempt at me.
356
00:13:55,056 --> 00:13:56,240
Your teeth are the color of oatmeal,
357
00:13:56,291 --> 00:13:57,975
your... your tan has no depth,
358
00:13:58,009 --> 00:14:00,727
- and... and this shirt looks like it's made of...
- hey.
359
00:14:00,762 --> 00:14:03,297
Ow! Ow! Ow, that hurts!
360
00:14:03,331 --> 00:14:04,948
So sorry, sir.
361
00:14:04,983 --> 00:14:06,400
We normally try to keep
his kind out of here.
362
00:14:06,434 --> 00:14:08,335
Yeah, but they're everywhere, aren't they?
363
00:14:11,703 --> 00:14:12,903
(Door closes)
364
00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:14,104
(Hinges creak)
365
00:14:14,139 --> 00:14:15,406
There's no way she followed me here.
366
00:14:15,457 --> 00:14:16,841
She... she had guests.
367
00:14:16,892 --> 00:14:19,276
They were right in the middle of chanting.
368
00:14:19,311 --> 00:14:21,712
You don't leave chanting guests!
369
00:14:25,217 --> 00:14:27,384
Aah! Don't eat me! Don't eat me.
370
00:14:27,435 --> 00:14:29,386
My flesh is fibrous and stringy
371
00:14:29,421 --> 00:14:31,105
and you'd have to boil
me for hours and hours,
372
00:14:31,139 --> 00:14:32,323
and even then...
373
00:14:32,374 --> 00:14:33,424
(Laughs) Wait. Eat you?
374
00:14:33,475 --> 00:14:35,909
I'm a pesco-vegetarian. (Chuckles)
375
00:14:35,927 --> 00:14:38,112
Paula Weingelb.
376
00:14:38,733 --> 00:14:40,267
Not sure what you heard about me,
377
00:14:40,301 --> 00:14:41,568
but I'm not a witch.
378
00:14:41,602 --> 00:14:43,837
But I saw your coven...
379
00:14:43,855 --> 00:14:46,840
standing around your cauldron.
380
00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:48,609
You mean my book club,
381
00:14:48,643 --> 00:14:50,911
standing around the
pumpkin soup that I made?
382
00:14:50,929 --> 00:14:53,914
(Laughs) Mmm. Warms the bones.
383
00:14:53,948 --> 00:14:55,248
I do it without dairy.
384
00:14:55,464 --> 00:14:57,148
So you're not a witch?
385
00:14:57,183 --> 00:14:58,650
Nope.
386
00:14:58,684 --> 00:15:00,735
I'm just a 45-year-old woman
who hasn't had any work done
387
00:15:00,770 --> 00:15:03,738
and appreciates the drape
of a forgiving silhouette.
388
00:15:03,773 --> 00:15:05,890
45, huh?
389
00:15:05,908 --> 00:15:07,192
Yeah. Did a lot of sun.
390
00:15:07,226 --> 00:15:08,677
We didn't know back
then how damaging it was.
391
00:15:10,028 --> 00:15:12,112
Okay.
392
00:15:12,146 --> 00:15:14,231
So then why have you been following me?
393
00:15:14,265 --> 00:15:16,149
When I heard you laying
down righteous truths
394
00:15:16,184 --> 00:15:18,302
on those blonde bots in the
crap house the other day,
395
00:15:18,336 --> 00:15:21,021
I knew I finally found a kindred spirit,
396
00:15:21,055 --> 00:15:22,973
which is why I wanted you to read my book
397
00:15:23,007 --> 00:15:24,374
on female empowerment.
398
00:15:24,409 --> 00:15:25,993
The school board banned it years ago,
399
00:15:26,044 --> 00:15:29,012
so occasionally I sneak
copies into the library...
400
00:15:29,046 --> 00:15:30,480
and the supply closet.
401
00:15:30,514 --> 00:15:32,666
So... you're not a witch?
402
00:15:33,935 --> 00:15:35,852
You're just a feminist?
403
00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:39,172
In Chatswin, those words
mean the same thing.
404
00:15:39,223 --> 00:15:42,225
Well, I will tell you something, Paula.
405
00:15:42,259 --> 00:15:47,430
I definitely know how it
feels to be unfairly labeled.
406
00:15:47,464 --> 00:15:49,849
And I am not even dismissing
the whole cloak thing.
407
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:51,968
(Sheila) There she is!
408
00:15:55,356 --> 00:15:56,806
The witch!
409
00:15:56,824 --> 00:15:57,857
The bitch.
410
00:15:57,908 --> 00:16:01,027
(Crowd speaking indistinctly)
411
00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:04,614
(Paula and Sheila) She's back.
412
00:16:17,866 --> 00:16:19,266
Nice entrance, hon.
413
00:16:19,284 --> 00:16:22,319
I counted three dirty looks
and at least five death stares.
414
00:16:22,370 --> 00:16:24,872
Now who needs matchy-matchy
man candy on their arm?
415
00:16:24,906 --> 00:16:27,041
I can inspire just as much jealousy
416
00:16:27,075 --> 00:16:29,159
sailing in with a skipper like you.
417
00:16:29,210 --> 00:16:31,295
It's hard work, but it's rewarding.
418
00:16:31,329 --> 00:16:34,298
Okay, you grab a virgin
colada while I powder,
419
00:16:34,332 --> 00:16:35,799
and then we'll do another lap.
420
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:37,572
*
421
00:16:37,573 --> 00:16:38,856
(indistinct conversations)
422
00:16:38,891 --> 00:16:40,791
Vodka-cranberry, please.
423
00:16:40,826 --> 00:16:43,611
Just do it. I have a bladder infection.
424
00:16:43,645 --> 00:16:45,112
Service people, right?
425
00:16:45,146 --> 00:16:47,615
Yeah. Yeah, can't, uh, can't live with 'em,
426
00:16:47,649 --> 00:16:48,950
don't know how to park your own car.
427
00:16:48,984 --> 00:16:51,369
Mr. Altman?
428
00:16:51,420 --> 00:16:52,954
You look so better.
429
00:16:52,988 --> 00:16:54,205
Thank you.
430
00:16:54,256 --> 00:16:55,590
I mean, normally you look like the guy
431
00:16:55,624 --> 00:16:57,124
who services the security system
432
00:16:57,158 --> 00:16:59,760
on Barbie's dream house.
433
00:16:59,795 --> 00:17:02,013
But tonight, you could
almost pass for a Ken.
434
00:17:02,047 --> 00:17:04,682
* undress me everywhere
435
00:17:04,716 --> 00:17:06,166
* imagination
436
00:17:06,184 --> 00:17:07,852
There.
437
00:17:07,886 --> 00:17:09,937
Now you're perfect.
438
00:17:09,972 --> 00:17:11,105
(Clears throat)
439
00:17:11,139 --> 00:17:12,339
Mommy was super sad
440
00:17:12,357 --> 00:17:14,892
when you said you didn't
want to be her Ken.
441
00:17:14,943 --> 00:17:16,176
Yeah, but let's be honest.
442
00:17:16,194 --> 00:17:18,396
Who in their right mind
wants to dress up like Ken?
443
00:17:18,447 --> 00:17:20,398
She wasn't asking you to dress up as Ken.
444
00:17:20,449 --> 00:17:23,067
She was asking you to be her Ken.
445
00:17:23,118 --> 00:17:24,418
*
446
00:17:24,453 --> 00:17:25,569
Her Ken!
447
00:17:25,621 --> 00:17:26,954
Oh.
448
00:17:26,989 --> 00:17:28,122
Her Ken.
449
00:17:28,156 --> 00:17:31,042
As in Barbie's date?
450
00:17:31,076 --> 00:17:33,995
I didn't know she felt that way.
451
00:17:34,029 --> 00:17:36,130
George Altman, as I live and breathe.
452
00:17:36,164 --> 00:17:38,466
Look at you, all blond and beardless.
453
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:41,469
Dallas, listen to me.
454
00:17:41,503 --> 00:17:42,720
Don't be angry with me.
455
00:17:42,754 --> 00:17:44,088
I didn't know what you were asking
456
00:17:44,139 --> 00:17:46,140
when you were asking me to be Ken.
457
00:17:46,174 --> 00:17:48,809
Oh, it doesn't matter,
George. It's all behind us.
458
00:17:48,844 --> 00:17:51,211
I'm here with my fun-loving
kid sister skipper.
459
00:17:51,229 --> 00:17:53,014
No, listen to me.
460
00:17:53,048 --> 00:17:54,932
We're... we're flirty friends.
461
00:17:54,983 --> 00:17:57,351
We've been flirty friends
for over a year now.
462
00:17:57,385 --> 00:17:58,936
I didn't know...
463
00:17:58,987 --> 00:18:01,522
that other thing was on the table.
464
00:18:01,556 --> 00:18:05,192
So are you telling me it's on the table?
465
00:18:05,226 --> 00:18:07,662
You tell me. Is it on the table?
466
00:18:07,696 --> 00:18:09,030
'Cause I put it on the table,
467
00:18:09,064 --> 00:18:10,581
and you didn't pull up a chair.
468
00:18:10,615 --> 00:18:13,617
Okay. Dallas...
469
00:18:13,669 --> 00:18:16,537
I'd like to go on a date with you.
470
00:18:16,571 --> 00:18:18,689
Would you like to go on a date with me?
471
00:18:18,724 --> 00:18:21,359
Why yes, I would.
472
00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:23,127
I thought you'd never ask.
473
00:18:23,178 --> 00:18:25,880
(Vomits) Her Ken!
474
00:18:25,914 --> 00:18:28,519
Did somebody give my daughter a drink?
475
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,823
How do you explain those spots on her face?
476
00:18:31,857 --> 00:18:33,074
She didn't have a beach cloak.
477
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:34,208
The mark of the devil.
478
00:18:34,243 --> 00:18:37,245
It is a natural, beautiful part of aging.
479
00:18:37,296 --> 00:18:38,996
I am 45.
480
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:42,800
Look, I think that this is
all a big misunderstanding.
481
00:18:42,835 --> 00:18:45,219
Paula's trying to do
good. We should join her.
482
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:46,554
Join her?
483
00:18:46,588 --> 00:18:47,839
Are you gonna do to Tessa
484
00:18:47,873 --> 00:18:49,540
what you did to my Holly Homemaker doll?
485
00:18:49,591 --> 00:18:51,809
That doll reinforced
unhealthy gender stereotypes.
486
00:18:51,844 --> 00:18:53,511
It was a protest.
487
00:18:53,545 --> 00:18:54,979
(Scoffs) It was a violation,
488
00:18:55,013 --> 00:18:57,548
just like you violated my pudding cup.
489
00:18:57,566 --> 00:19:00,184
I was trying to teach you
how to do things for yourself.
490
00:19:00,218 --> 00:19:01,385
And the lick?
491
00:19:01,403 --> 00:19:03,721
That lick was my reward.
492
00:19:03,739 --> 00:19:05,239
(Gasps)
493
00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:07,492
She won't stop until she's
brainwashed all our children.
494
00:19:08,610 --> 00:19:10,728
Get her.
495
00:19:10,762 --> 00:19:13,915
I've never been on this
side of a hate mob before.
496
00:19:13,949 --> 00:19:15,416
I kinda get it now. It's exhilarating.
497
00:19:15,450 --> 00:19:17,285
(Sheila) Oh, witchcraft! Fred, my purse!
498
00:19:17,319 --> 00:19:18,953
(Fred) I'm clutching it, dear.
499
00:19:18,987 --> 00:19:20,288
(Gasps)
500
00:19:20,339 --> 00:19:21,706
Oh!
501
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:23,925
Oh, darn it. She's gone.
502
00:19:23,959 --> 00:19:25,343
She must have turned into a crow
503
00:19:25,377 --> 00:19:26,594
and flown back to hell.
504
00:19:26,628 --> 00:19:29,347
Well, that's a wrap.
Better get to steppin'.
505
00:19:30,749 --> 00:19:32,800
(Indistinct conversations)
506
00:19:32,851 --> 00:19:34,919
Where's everybody going?
507
00:19:34,970 --> 00:19:36,253
It's over, Wolfe.
508
00:19:36,271 --> 00:19:37,605
It's over.
509
00:19:37,639 --> 00:19:38,890
I was gonna bludgeon her.
510
00:19:38,924 --> 00:19:40,057
I know you were.
511
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:41,425
(Indistinct conversations continue)
512
00:19:41,443 --> 00:19:42,593
(Knock on window)
513
00:19:42,611 --> 00:19:44,579
(Mouths words)
514
00:19:45,814 --> 00:19:47,481
(Mouths words)
515
00:19:52,938 --> 00:19:54,071
Hmm.
516
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:56,407
Machine washable.
517
00:20:07,252 --> 00:20:08,753
Man...
518
00:20:08,787 --> 00:20:10,638
I thought I suffered taking the hair off.
519
00:20:10,672 --> 00:20:12,623
It's way worse coming back in.
520
00:20:12,641 --> 00:20:15,893
Well, now you know what
a woman goes through.
521
00:20:15,928 --> 00:20:17,678
Wax it off and suffer the itches
522
00:20:17,729 --> 00:20:20,014
or grow it out and...
523
00:20:20,065 --> 00:20:22,483
suffer the bitches.
524
00:20:22,517 --> 00:20:24,318
The what?
525
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:26,904
The women who judge you
for being unconventional.
526
00:20:26,939 --> 00:20:28,138
Oh.
527
00:20:28,156 --> 00:20:30,157
It takes a lot of guts to
be a feminist in this town.
528
00:20:30,192 --> 00:20:31,475
Hey, you don't have to tell me.
529
00:20:31,493 --> 00:20:33,778
I consider myself a
male feminist, and I got
530
00:20:33,812 --> 00:20:36,781
the Mary Chapin Carpenter
records to prove it.
531
00:20:36,815 --> 00:20:38,115
Hey, you know who else
was probably a feminist?
532
00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:39,316
Hmm?
533
00:20:39,334 --> 00:20:41,485
Alex, right? My mom?
534
00:20:41,503 --> 00:20:43,271
I mean, think about it...
535
00:20:43,305 --> 00:20:46,490
to walk away from the role
that was thrust upon her...
536
00:20:46,508 --> 00:20:49,010
O... okay, nobody thrusted...
537
00:20:49,044 --> 00:20:50,428
She must have known that
she was gonna get judged
538
00:20:50,462 --> 00:20:52,430
pretty harshly for doing it.
539
00:20:52,464 --> 00:20:54,999
In a way...
540
00:20:55,017 --> 00:20:57,334
it was kind of brave.
541
00:20:57,352 --> 00:20:58,803
Mm... mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
542
00:20:58,837 --> 00:21:01,055
(Knock on door)
543
00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:04,568
Hey, man. What's up?
544
00:21:04,603 --> 00:21:06,303
Hey.
545
00:21:06,337 --> 00:21:09,206
I was gonna donate these plaid
shirts I bought to Goodwill.
546
00:21:09,241 --> 00:21:10,941
Then I thought
547
00:21:10,976 --> 00:21:13,811
I'd drive over here, see if
you wanted 'em first, for free.
548
00:21:13,845 --> 00:21:15,679
Thanks. They're so me.
549
00:21:15,697 --> 00:21:16,947
'Sup, red?
550
00:21:16,982 --> 00:21:18,199
Look...
551
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:19,500
(Sighs) I'm sorry if I
552
00:21:19,534 --> 00:21:22,019
got a little carried away
with my George impersonation.
553
00:21:22,037 --> 00:21:23,437
I know that Jill wasn't excited
554
00:21:23,472 --> 00:21:24,772
when I went as her last year.
555
00:21:24,806 --> 00:21:27,908
Although, I gotta say, I had her down.
556
00:21:27,943 --> 00:21:29,410
(Deepens voice) Stop touching me.
557
00:21:29,444 --> 00:21:32,546
Get your hands off of me. That hurts.
558
00:21:32,581 --> 00:21:33,747
(Tessa and George laugh)
559
00:21:33,799 --> 00:21:34,899
Solid Jill.
560
00:21:34,933 --> 00:21:38,169
(Laughs)
561
00:21:38,170 --> 00:21:44,170
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