Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

ANNOUNCER:Ladies and gentlemen,

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

please welcome Kevin James Thornton.

[ALL CHEERING]

You guys. Wow!

[MAN WHOOPING]

Um, let's... begin.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Let's start like that.

Make it weird.

I got a text from a guy

that I dated 25 years ago,

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE] when it was the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm going to do that a whole bunch.

I'm going to wear it out.

Yeah, I got a text from this guy.

I haven't really heard from him in, like, 25 years.

And the text said, "I miss you."

And then right after that, another text that said,

"Show me that ass."

[ALL LAUGHING]

He's imagining 1996 ass...

and what I currently possess is 2023 ass.

2023 ass looks like two hairy scallops.

White, uncooked...

has salmonella.

But then I thought, you know what?

I'm going to do it.

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

I'm going to send him a photograph.

A photograph is way too big of a word for what I'd sent.

I didn't go to Olan Mills.

For the young people in the room, um,

Olan Mills was like a family portrait place

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE] in the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Side thought. Hear me out.

Olan Mills Genital Portraiture.

[MAN WHOOPING]

Do you remember you could get your picture taken

and then up in the corner would be, like,

a superimposed, dreamy...

Do you guys see where I'm going with this?

[ALL LAUGHING]

So you can have your picture, and then up in the corner,

whatever it is you'd like to feature.

Olan Mills Genital Portraiture.

We'll probably cut that part from the show.

That probably won't make it.

So I sent him a picture of my ass

and he responded with

maybe the most hurtful thing he could have.

His response was...

"That's not you."

[ALL LAUGHING]

He thought I chose to send a photo

of some other 50-year-old ass.

I'm not quite 50.

I'm 49. I turn 50 in a couple of months.

[ALL CHEERING]

Okay.

I'm actually pretty cool with getting older.

Listen, I'm in the worst shape of my life

and I feel fine.

It's okay.

Everybody calm down.

When I was young, I was a homosexual gazelle of beauty.

Was.

And I'm totally fine now with the ever evolving landscape

of my physical form.

I'm fine with slowly transforming

into your Intro to Anthropology professor.

He wrote his dissertation on circumcision in the Amazon.

He dates students.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Professors can't do that anymore, but they could

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE] in the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I feel pretty cool at this stage in my life.

I feel like I really know myself.

It's not always great.

Now, once a year, my doctor

puts her finger in my butt hole.

And every time she does it, I'm mildly embarrassed about

how easily she just slides it in there.

[ALL LAUGHING]

No resistance.

Not even a quiver.

And every time she does it,

I'm like, either she's really good at this,

or I'm really good at this.

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

My doctor does one thing that I do not like.

Every time during a prostate exam,

with her finger on my prostate, she says,

"Smooth."

I hate it.

Like I now understand that a healthy prostate feels smooth,

But at first I thought she was, like, congratulating herself.

"Smooth."

I grew up in a super fundamentalist Christian church.

- [ALL CHEERING] - Okay.

Some of you might relate with the super fundamentalist Christian church.

Yes. Okay, good.

That's what I wanted here tonight.

Religious trauma.

[ALL CHEERING]

All around me.

In my super fundamentalist Christian Church youth group,

they used to dress us up like clowns.

Stay with me.

We put on like a sinful clown play

in the park.

And each clown represented a different sin.

So we had Premarital Sex clown.

Ah. There's some Premarital Sex clowns here tonight.

[ALL CHEERING]

Yeah!

We had Abortion clown.

[ALL CHEERING]

Don't get mad at me.

I'm just telling you what happens.

And we took the youth group on a mission trip

to New York City.

We took our sinful clown play

on the road.

They took us to a neighborhood in New York,

called Spanish Harlem

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE] in the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] So imagine 20 white suburban teenagers,

walking down the sidewalk of Spanish Harlem,

dressed like Abortion clown.

[ALL LAUGHING]

They were all staring at us and laughing in Spanish.

We did a lot of weird productions like that.

Every year for Halloween,

we put on this haunted house

that simulated you going to hell.

Stay with me.

Um, it started with your funeral.

A lovely way to spend a Friday evening.

And we had our haunted house set up where you had to crawl

under your coffin to get into hell.

I don't know how biblically accurate this is.

That's how we did it.

And then it was just

room after room of youth group kids screaming at you.

But it was similar in theme to the sinful clown play.

We had a room about premarital sex,

we had a room about abortion,

there was even a room about lust you just can't win.

It featured a man masturbating in the flames of hell.

It's the kind of wholesome entertainment we're missing today.

But growing up in that environment,

it did weird things to my forming mind,

especially around sexuality and my body.

The most popular guy in my school was named Stan.

And Stan came to school

and said he popped a girl's cherry.

I look over, there's like a Victorian mother with a scarf...

[GASPING IN FEMININE VOICE]

[ALL LAUGHING]

It's shocking, I know.

He said he popped a girl's cherry.

I'd never heard that before.

I didn't know what that meant.

It's unfortunate timing.

Because right around then I discovered

the dirty magazines in the woods.

If you're young, you don't know what I'm talking about.

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]♪ Dirty magazines in the woods

♪ Dirty magazines in the woods

♪ Next door, neighbor Brad said He stole 'em from his dad

♪ Now there's Dirty magazines in the woods♪

[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] The dirty magazines in the woods.

You kids don't know how easy you have it today.

All I had were the dirty magazines in the woods.

They were under a log.

They were damp from the environments.

[ALL LAUGHING]

But it was unfortunate timing,

because, um, the very first picture I saw...

I now understand what I was looking at,

but I didn't then.

It was a photograph of a naked woman,

and she had actual cherries and, like, cherry sauce,

spread around her area.

But I saw it and I thought, "She popped her cherry.

Is that what it looks like?

Does she need to go to the hospital?"

Stan and Tara started to go together.

They showed up at school one day

and said they were going to do it.

That's the progression.

You go together and then you do it.

And I went straight up to Tara and I said,

"Tara, you're making a terrible mistake."

And she said, "Why?"

And I said, "Tara, you're going to get herpes."

And Tara said, "Stan has herpes?"

And I said, "Oh, Tara, you're so naive.

"Don't you know that if you have premarital sex,

"herpes will just form?"

And Tara called it off right then.

And that is the origin story

of my seventh grade arch nemesis, Stan.

[ALL LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]

In those days, there was a channel on the television

that was like scrambled porn.

I'm going to have to explain a lot to the young people.

So imagine a giant, like, wooden cabinet television

with a dial on it that you had to turn

and there was one channel you could

sort of see that it was dirty movies,

but they were weirdly, like... The image was scrambled.

But it kind of seemed like

if you turned the dial back a channel and then forward...

[SCATTERED CHEERING]

Yes.

All right.

It sort of seemed like the image would unlock for, like, a split second.

So you'd be like,

"Was that...

"Was that a nipple? Wha--

"Scrambled nipple?"

Now you're playing this weird

Las Vegas porn game called Scrambled Nipple.

[MAN WHOOPING]

So one night, I waited for everyone to go to bed.

I snuck out into the living room,

and I tilted the Ottoman forward

right in front of the television, so I could lean against it.

One hand on the dial.

You know where the other hand is?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Playing Scrambled Nipple.

And then my mom comes out

and she says, "Kevin, go to bed."

And I panicked,

and I decided to pretend that I was sleepwalking.

And I said, "Where am I?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

And it worked.

I just went to my room and I wasn't in trouble.

So we entered this era

where I'd wait for everyone to go to bed,

I'd sneak out into the living room,

in front of the television,

my mom would come out and say, "Kevin, go to bed."

And I'd say...

"Where am I?"

Looking back, I have to ask the mothers in the room, like,

moms know, right? Like...

Teenagers think they're being so tricky,

but moms have to know.

If you're in a house with a teenage boy,

look around and anywhere a penis could go...

it did.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Moms, did you know that?

Ben came to school with a VHS tape,

handed it to me.

I said, "What's this?"

And he said, "Go home and watch it."

And I did.

It was porn.

Unscrambled.

Apparently, Ben had two VCRs.

A VCR is a machine...

that plays VHS tapes.

If you had two of them, you could make copies of the tapes.

We also had two VCRs,

and so I made a copy

of the copy.

And I brought it to school

and I went right up to Stan.

And Stan said, "What's this?"

And I said, "Go home and watch it."

And for a brief moment, I was back in Stan's favor.

And he invited me to the popular guy sleepover.

It was very exclusive.

I was lucky to be there.

We get to the sleepover

and Stan tells us the plans for the evening.

We're going to sneak out of the house

and run through the yards of popular girls

and bang on their windows.

I'm filled with anxiety.

I regret coming to the popular guy sleepover.

On the way out of the garage,

Stan grabs a singular warm Bud Light and cracks it open,

takes a swig and starts to pass it around.

Josh looked at me and said,

"Kevin, are you going to drink the beer?"

And I said, "No, Josh, I don't give in to peer pressure."

[ALL LAUGHING]

But all the other guys took a sip,

and now everyone's super drunk.

Stan is trashed.

We get to Tara's house and we bang on her window.

Tara comes to the window and says,

"Oh, my God, Stan, are you drunk?"

And then Tara looks at me with this look in her eye like,

"Thank you, Kevin.

"For saving me from a life with Stan.

"He's an alcoholic."

We get back to Stan's house, and the lights are on.

Stan's dad is awake.

We walk in the front door, his dad's standing there,

we're terrified, moving in slow motion.

We all sit down.

And Stan's dad says,

"I am so disappointed in all of you."

Leaves the room.

I took a moment and then I said,

"Hey, guys, can I ask you something?

Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ...

[ALL LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]

as your personal savior?"

And that is the sequel to the origin story

of my seventh grade arch nemesis, Stan.

[ALL CHEERING]

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE] In my super fundamentalist church,

we had Wednesday night Bible study.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] The Wednesday night Bible study.

I looked forward to it every week.

It was like a little party in someone's house.

I loved it.

And a lot's going to happen at the Wednesday night Bible study.

First, there's going to be a crock pot of nacho cheese.

And the best is when it was at Megan's house,

because Megan's mom put a can of Rotelle into the nacho cheese.

Yeah. And then she just called the whole thing Rotelle.

And in my memory, Megan's mom,

just in my mind,

is like this weird floating head in the house.

In my memory.

Like you turned the corner and she'd be like, "I made Rotelle."

In my mind. I don't know why.

You'd open the toilet, it would be like, "Rotelle."

Why?

All right, so we have nacho cheese.

You're going to feel really guilty about something.

Consider the possibility of hell.

[SCATTERED LAUGHS]

Why the fuck was that funny?

[ALL LAUGHING]

And then at the end,

there's going to be, like, a prayer circle scenario.

And I always made sure I sat next to Jason,

because I get to hold Jason's hand.

[ALL CHEERING]

It's a lot to go through on a Wednesday night.

Got nacho cheese,

existential crisis,

prayer circle with a boner.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Every week at school,

we'd decide who needed to get saved next

and we'd invite them to the Wednesday night Bible study,

but we would just tell them it's a party.

So Stephanie would show up unsuspectingly.

So I thought, have you ever walked into a Trader Joe's

and felt like you're in a play about being at Trader Joe's?

It's weird in there.

It feels like everyone had a conversation about you before you walked in.

That's sort of what it was like for Stephanie

at the Wednesday night Bible study.

Also, little known fact,

every time they ring that bell at Trader Joe's,

that's someone who gave their heart to Trader Joe.

[MAN WHOOPING]

It is.

In my teenage years,

I felt there was something about me that was different.

But I could not even let the word "gay" pass through my head.

In that world, it was not a possibility.

So I had a lot of conflict about it,

a lot of big emotions.

We also sometimes felt

if you had big emotions about something,

maybe it was God

giving you a message for the group.

So one night at Wednesday night Bible study,

I was really feeling it.

And I said, "Hey, guys,

"I think I have a word from the Lord.

"Someone in this room tonight...

"is struggling with homosexuality."

[ALL LAUGHING]

They were terrified and I loved it.

[ALL LAUGHING]

It felt very good

to say those words out loud.

I'm just curious here tonight.

Is anyone struggling with homosexuality?

- [ALL CHEERING] - I thought so.

Let me just get a better feel,

who are the straight people here this evening?

- The straight people. - [CHEERING]

Okay, right. Yes.

I just asked who are the straight people

and the straight people raised their hands.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[SOFTLY] Straight people.

"What's happening? It's a safe space.

"I thought a safe space. I'm straight."

[LAUGHS]

Who are the people of any queer variety in the room this evening?

[LOUD CHEERING]

Oh, yeah. See, we're better.

I don't really believe that.

One time in church, the pastor was talking about

how God would give some people supernatural gifts.

And one of those supernatural gifts

was the ability to speak in tongues.

We didn't really do that at my church,

but I was sitting there and I was like, "Can I do that?

"I think maybe I can."

So, of course, we're going to try it out.

I waited for a pause in the sermon

and I said, clear as a bell...

"Chamalla hamalla."

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Just that. "Chamalla hamalla."

And then I kind of choked.

The room filled with tension

and then behind me, I hear someone say,

"Yes, Lord."

[ALL LAUGHING]

Phew!

I look back and it's Janet.

Janet was legendary in our church.

Legend has it that Janet woke up

at 4:00 a.m. every morning and prayed for three hours.

No one ever saw her do this,

she just told us.

And then with a tear in her eye, Janet said,

"Chamalla hamalla shonda obi shasta shandalla."

And I thought, "That's not what I said, Janet.

"I said, 'Chamalla hamalla.'

"Don't, like, put your own flavor on it."

The pastor told us that it was the language that angels spoke.

And I imagined a scene in Heaven where the angels were like,

"What's up, Jesus? Chamalla hamalla."

If you're getting frustrated with someone in Heaven,

a common phrase is,

"You're really starting to chamalla my hamallas."

God sneezes. [IMITATES SNEEZING]

ALL: Chamalla hamalla.

Some of you have the gift. That's wild.

We loved to talk about the rapture.

And we were divided into two distinct groups,

some of us believed that when the rapture happened,

the Christians would just disappear.

And some of us believed when the rapture happened,

the Christians would float into the sky.

So I'm curious what group you guys are in tonight.

Who here thinks that when the rapture happens,

the Christians will vanish?

- [CHEERING] - All right. All right.

Who here thinks when the rapture happens,

the Christians will float into the sky?

[LOUDER CHEERING]

It is like the cooler version.

But the thing we never talked about was,

like, the speed of the float.

Like, what if we didn't realize it was...

it was a really slow float rapture?

Like if the rapture happened tonight...

[CHUCKLES] I mean, you guys aren't going anywhere.

But...

But if it did and it was a slow float rapture,

I'd be like, "Are people standing up?

Oh, shit. It's the rapture."

And how do you get out of this building?

Do you have to, like, swim to the exits?

You're like putting your legs into it.

It's a slow rapture.

Some of you are reaching for your beer to finish it.

Might be your last beer.

And then you...

you finally get outside and continue the slow float.

You're like 15 feet in the air,

and you're like, "Where the fuck are we going?"

Then you start to lower back down because you said "fuck."

[ALL LAUGHING]

And then you hear God's voice go,

"Just kidding. I say 'fuck' all the time.

"I invented fuck."

You finally get to Heaven

and God's like, "Welcome to fucking Heaven!"

[ALL CHEERING]

He's wearing sunglasses,

he's got jogging shorts on,

he's a little annoying.

You weren't expecting that, were you?

God's annoying.

After a couple days, you're like,

"I'm sorry. Is God annoying?"

And everyone was like, "Oh, my God. Yes, so annoying.

"Oh, shit! Here he comes."

♪ Our God is an awesome God

♪ He's cool

♪ He's really super cool♪

"How long do we have to do this?

"Forever?"

[WHIMPERING]

All right. It's going pretty well so far.

I feel pretty good.

- [ALL CHEERING] - Thank you.

Thanks.

This is the part of the show

where I'm going to take a sip of water.

Mm.

You know... dehydration

is not talked about often enough.

I think just spontaneously,

I'm going to spend the rest of my time here tonight

talking to you about dehydration.

Do I have dehydration material? No.

Is there anything inherently funny about dehydration?

Not really.

But I have a feeling some of you here tonight might be...

dehydrated.

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]♪ Dehydration isn't fun In the morning

♪ Dehydration isn't fun At night

♪ If drinking water Isn't good for my body

♪ Then Lord have mercy

♪ I don't wanna be right

- [ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]-♪ Dehydration isn't fun In the morning

♪ Dehydration isn't fun At night

♪ If drinking water Isn't good for my body

♪ Then Lord have mercy

♪ I don't wanna be right♪

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That'll be on Spotify later this week.

We have a lot of shame

about our bodies and sexuality.

It's weird.

It's almost like innate, in some way.

It's kind of one of the first stories in the Bible.

Like there's a snake with an apple

and Eve bites the apple,

and what's the first thing that happens?

She realizes she's naked and she feels ashamed.

It's weird.

First, I wish that the Bible

didn't start with a snake and an apple.

It's like so Bible-y.

Like I feel like Satan would be trickier

than to appear as a snake.

You know?

Like, I feel like he would appear as...

like an adorable hamster.

And he wants Eve

to eat a small serving of mashed potatoes.

Yeah.

They're the mashed potatoes of knowledge.

It's a cooler visual, I think.

Like, Eve takes a bite of the mashed potatoes of knowledge

and was like, "Mm. Oh, shit, am I naked?"

She's got mashed potatoes in her mouth.

Adam takes a bite and he's like, "Mm.

"Is there sour cream in this?

"Oh, shit. Is that what my bush looks like?"

And it says they felt shame.

Which is also strange because they're the only two people that exist.

They're afraid God is going to see them and...

What, are they afraid that God is going to walk into the garden and be like,

"Hey, guys, I was thinking-- Oh, Jesus Christ!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Why is it so veiny?

"Did I make that?"

So it took Adam and Eve

a long time to get back their body positivity after that.

A little bit of Bible trivia you might not know.

Adam and Eve were the original founders

of Olan Mills Genital Portraiture.

[ALL CHEERING]

It was an empowering thing for them.

So when I got to college, I knew that I was gay.

But I still had a lot of stuff not worked out about it,

and I was really scared of a lot of things. Um...

And I heard that there was this video rental store near campus

that had a room of dirty movies.

We're back to talking about porn again.

The entire show is about Jesus and porn,

and how I navigated through those things

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE] in the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

They had a dirty movie room,

and in that room they had gay dirty movies,

and I had never seen that before.

And I was scared.

And then I learned that the couple who ran the video rental store,

they were visually impaired.

Every tape had a little bit of Braille on it.

So I went in and I made my selection,

I brought it to the counter,

and she started to run her fingers

over the dirty Braille.

And then she paused halfway through

and I panicked and I said, "It's for a research paper."

And her finger was just resting on a single dot...

It was probably the word "cum hole".

[ALL LAUGHING]

And I was like, "Please take your finger off the...

"off the cum hole.

"I thought this would be less embarrassing, but it's way worse."

When I was in college is when, like,

the Internet was becoming a thing,

and nobody had their own computer in those days.

If you wanted to get on the Internet,

you had to go to the computer lab.

And so, I went to the computer lab one night.

No one was really in there but me,

and I was at a computer all the way in the corner,

and I thought,

"I've heard there's porn on the Internet."

So I looked up something and a picture started to load

super slow, like, line by line.

Took forever.

And it must have sort of hypnotized me,

because I didn't realize that now,

like two computers down,

was a guy from the campus church.

And he could fully see my screen,

and he looked at me and then back at my screen.

And like, I want to say that

had this been just like a nude photograph,

he probably could've pretended that this wasn't happening.

But this photo...

was, like, so spectacular in its vulgarity...

Like, I don't want to get too graphic in LA on Wednesday,

but I just want to say

it was a photo of a man's thing...

completing itself...

into another man's...

oral cavity.

I don't want to get too graphic.

My point is, he was frozen in shock,

because this picture was like super sharp focus.

Like, the stream had elegance.

It was like a sculpture of cum.

I don't want to get too graphic.

My point is, he was frozen in shock,

because he was looking at a picture of a man

just getting blasted in the face...

with jizz.

Not to get too explicit on a Wednesday,

but if you remember The Rolling Stones t-shirt

with the tongue hanging out?

It was sort of like that,

but instead of The Rolling Stones,

it was a man getting his mouth destroyed by ejaculate.

All right, that went better than I thought it would.

That's staying. That's staying in the show.

[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

So the Internet. We've come so far.

So far, I don't even really look at Facebook anymore.

That's a weird website now.

Facebook is like a place where my mom post memes

that are, like, "Happiness is in my garden."

Or she'll post a picture of a monkey hugging a duck and put "Beautiful."

Or a cut and paste paragraph that's like,

"Facebook does not have my permission...

to use my information."

I'm starting to sweat a little bit.

Or is that blood? [SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Would you guys tell me if I was bleeding from my face?

Great. That's one less thing I can worry about.

Thank you.

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE] Thank you

for caring about me.

And whether or not I'm bleeding on stage.

A man of my age could bleed out very quickly.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Weird scientific anomaly.

I don't have a lot of blood.

That was a joke. I have the regular amount of blood.

I think.

How does anyone really know?

It's not like people have a dipstick

to check your blood levels.

And every couple of months your dad would call

and be like, "Have you checked your blood levels?"

And you're like, "Yes, Dad."

Even though you haven't.

You have no idea how.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That old thing.

I am a really big fan of Generation Z.

I like Gen Z a lot.

Yeah, okay.

A whole bunch of people right here didn't do anything.

They didn't respond.

Do you not feel the same?

Who are... Okay.

Who are the Generation X in the room tonight?

[CHEERING]

So many people in this row just sort of like waved, annoyed.

Very Generation X.

Annoyed that I even drew attention to them.

Who are the Millennials?

[CHEERING]

All right, yes. That was special.

She wants to do the wave, Millennials.

That would be very Millennial.

Are there any Boomers here tonight?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I felt like a little bit of fear come from this side of the room.

Like they paid that guy to distract...

Are there any Gen Z here tonight?

[SCATTERED CHEERING]

She's like, "Hi."

It's, like, so emotionally intelligent.

No, I really do. I like Gen Z a lot.

I do think we can all agree they have super dumb haircuts.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Who am I to talk?

My hair looks like Frasier fucked a televangelist.

[ALL LAUGHING]

But other than that, I really am a big fan of Gen Z.

I think you're going to save the world.

Gen Z is totally redefining human sexuality and I love it.

I think it's great. Yeah.

Maybe some terms you have heard,

like polyamorous, uh, demi sexual, Demi Lovato...

But maybe there's some you haven't heard,

like autosexual.

Autosexual is a person

who is sexually attracted to themselves.

And I know what you guys are thinking.

Obviously, I am autosexual.

Guys, stop.

I love this one.

This is real cupiosexual.

I bet you haven't heard this one.

Cupiosexual is an asexual person

who does not want sex,

who also wants sex.

I know it's a paradox.

We need Neil deGrasse Tyson to come out and explain

how both of these are simultaneously possible.

Cupiosexual.

Does not want sex and wants sex.

That's my favorite, because I think it illustrates

how wonderfully humans are beautifully complex

and fucking irritating at the same time.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Cupiosexual.

But I've learned through all these new definitions

that I am actually not gay.

It's true.

Now that I have all these other terms,

gay is too simple. Gay is like...

rollerblading with glow sticks.

It's not really me.

But I was resistant at first,

especially when I started reading about the experiences

of people who are asexual.

I started to see myself a little bit,

and I didn't want to, because that's not cool.

I don't... It's not sexy.

I don't want to be asexual.

Like, I feel like an asexual person is like

a ventriloquist that works at Staples.

That's not cool.

But I'm learning,

unlike the olden days, it's not this or that,

pick a side, one or the other.

Everything is a spectrum.

So I now understand that I am not asexual,

but also, I'm not quite having the experience

that other people seem to be having.

Like, some of you guys are horn dogs.

[MAN WHOOPING]

I'm sorry. I meant to say

some of you guys are corn dogs.

Who are the corn dogs in the room?

Do we have any corn dogs?

I knew it!

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]♪ Embrace your inner corn dog

♪ Let the spirit Of the corn dog

♪ Into your heart

- [ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY] - ♪ Embrace your inner corn dog

Everyone.

♪ Embrace your inner corn dog♪

That's ridiculous.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I can't believe you guys went for that.

Like, wholeheartedly.

It's because there's a lot of corn dogs here tonight.

No, I understand that on this spectrum of sexualness,

I'm right in the middle.

And that's called graysexual and I don't like that either.

Gray... sexual.

That's not cute. That's not sexy.

Gray. Like my penis is gray...

and shiny.

Belongs on a dolphin.

[IMITATING DOLPHIN SOUNDS]

That might be the worst dolphin impression I've ever done.

I don't know what that sound was.

I feel about sex, sort of how I feel about

Hallmark holiday movies.

Like I don't want to watch that,

but if we start watching it...

I'll slowly start to see myself in the big city girl

who returns to her small town and learns a magic life lesson.

And then cums.

I stopped the metaphor right before that last part.

I should have told you.

I was going to do that.

And hey, listen,

all of this is not just for LGBTQIA+ people.

It's for everyone.

Take this one. Demisexual.

Demisexual just means that you need

an emotional connection to feel aroused.

We used to call that a party pooper.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Now it's demisexual, so own it.

Or how about this one?

A heterosexual man...

Heterosexual, but who is also bi, or even homoromantic.

Meaning he's heterosexual,

but in his heart there's a place for the same sex.

Ladies, some of you dated this guy in your 20s.

His name was Nigel.

He rolled his own cigarettes.

Listened to Ani DiFranco.

[ALL LAUGHING]

There he is!

I knew one of them was here.

So why talk about this stuff?

Why do we have to make these personal things out in the open?

I think that knowing yourself better

will make the world better.

That's how I feel about it.

- Like, can you imagine? Yeah. - [ALL CHEERING]

Can you imagine if straight men, specifically, just were allowed

to know themselves better,

we wouldn't have to deal with so many unnecessary podcasts.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So no, I'm not gay.

I'm demisexual, graysexual, polyamorous, homoromantic.

[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

Now, listen. It's not always great.

When I was just gay and a relationship didn't work,

I could be like, "You know what? Men are weird. It's not me."

Now that I'm demi, graysexual, polyamorous, homoromantic,

and a relationship doesn't work,

I'm like, "Nope, it's just me.

I'm impossible."

But I know myself better,

and I feel like that makes my life better.

I was dating this guy

and I decided, knowing this about myself,

I'm going to put in some effort for him.

And I sort of created this like sex character for him,

and I think I took it a little bit too far.

I started to pull things out of him

that weren't there before.

And one time, he spit in my mouth.

And in my sex character, I said, "Fuck, yeah!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

And then he immediately did it again.

And I thought, "Oh, words matter."

[ALL LAUGHING]

There are more bodily fluids available,

and I don't like where this is headed.

So you guys, I put a lot of thought

if I wanted to talk about this stuff in my show.

Because it's personal.

And I thought, you know what?

If I put out into the world

that I don't really think about sex that much,

then a lot of people are not going to want to have sex with me.

And that's when I realized I'm also cupiosexual.

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

I get it.

I don't want it, but I want it.

I think some of you might be thinking that

cupiosexual is just being married.

You're like, you want it...

but you don't want that shit.

I don't want to get up and brush my teeth...

for this.

That's how I feel, though. Like, I don't want it,

but I do want it.

I want you to want it.

I'm like FOMO... I'm FOMOsexual.

I just want to know what you guys are doing.

I've always sort of felt like a weird alien observer.

I fully expect at some point, I'm going to find like a zipper

on the back of my head and be like, "Ugh! Finally!"

Zip. [GROWLS AND GURGLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

If you're thinking, you know what?

Keep some things private.

This is embarrassing.

This is all very cringey.

Guess what?

You are cringey.

If you are... [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

If you are a human, you are cringey.

To be human is to cringe.

We're an organism that evolved to become conscious,

only to look back at ourselves and go...

"Ew."

[ALL LAUGHING]

So be yourself.

It's all you'll ever have that's worth having.

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE] Me, me, me, me, me.

♪ I used to work At the Olive Garden...

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ And the main takeaway

♪ Is people can eat A lot of fucking breadsticks

♪ You're on basket number five

♪ How are you still alive?

♪ Death by breadsticks

Everyone!

♪ Death by breadsticks

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ You're going to go To breadstick hell

♪ Eat breadsticks there as well

♪ Death by breadsticks

♪ There used to be A manager named Pam

♪ And Pam used to make My life a living hell

♪ She'd be like

♪ " Did you fill Your salt and peppers?"

♪ I'm like, "No, Pam It's Olive Garden"

[ALL LAUGHING]

♪ People are here for cheese."

♪ Death by breadsticks

♪ One time after a shift

♪ Pam was like

♪ "I need everyone to roll An extra 100 silverware."

♪ And all the servers Got together

♪ And just showed Pam the Same fucking tray of silverware

[ALL LAUGHING]

Soft and staccato.

♪ Death by breadsticks

Now, just the girls.

♪ Death by breadsticks

Now just the guys.

ALL MEN:♪ Death by breadsticks...♪

[ALL LAUGHING]

You guys, I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to end the show in such a weird note.

Let's bring it back together

with something we can all agree on.

♪ Breadsticks are delicious

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ You can dip them in alfredo sauce

♪ And then Pam is like

♪ "Did you charge that table For alfredo sauce?

♪ Death by breadsticks

♪ Many years later

♪ I saw Pam At the grocery store

♪ And Pam rolled up like "Hey, what's going on, Kevin?"

♪ I was like "Pam, we're not cool."

♪ Death by breadsticks

Beautiful harmonies.

♪ Death by breadsticks♪

- [ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING] - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you so much.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]