All language subtitles for MV5BYzIzZGIxMTY

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Nobody thinks about
the real winner

of the participation trophy.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

It's the guys that own
the trophy shop.

Right? Think of how hard
it was to town a trophy shop

before they had
participation trophies.

I imagine they were brothers,

one of them was
stressed out all the time,

the other one
just drunk all the time...

And the stressed out
brother's like, "Man!

"Things aren't going good."

"We're selling
like four trophies a year!"

And then, the drunk brother
is just like,

"Let's just give that boy
a trophy for showing up."

And now those guys own yachts.

So...

WOMAN:Ladies and gentlemen,

Bill Squire!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Sorry. I'm not moving too good.

I'm a little... like in pain
because it was leg day.

Tomorrow I think
I'm gonna do wings.

No, it's cool. I didn't wanna
be here either.

I didn't... I wanted to be
a professional athlete when I was a kid.

But I got bullied out of it
by this dude named "Dad."

Because I played basketball
when I was a kid,

and one time I played one-on-one

against a kid that only had
one hand...

and he beat me.

And I didn't have
the type of dad that's like,

"If you just believe in yourself
and work your hardest,

"there's nothing
that can stop you.

"You'll make it
all the way to the top."

No, my dad was like,

"Do you see why I don't like
going to your games?"

"It's-it's embarrassing.

"He's going left."

Actually, don't clap
for that one that's ableist.

My dad got mad at me
when I was a kid,

for getting
a participation trophy.

People act like those are new!
I got one in the 80s.

I played soccer
at the end of the season.

They gave me a trophy,
and my dad goes,

"You didn't earn that."

I was like, "Yeah, I'm six,

"I've never earned
anything. Like, I...

"I'm not a newsie."

I don't get that, though.

People get so mad about
the participation trophies.

I got them. It didn't
give me any confidence,

and I think it's because
I wet the bed

until I was 14 years old.

Yeah, and then,
a few years in my 30s,

when I was going through
a divorce, drinking a lot.

And my parents tried to
help me out not wet the bed...

Well, my mom tried to help me...
Not wet the bed...

I don't know if my dad
knew that I wet the bed.

There was five kids
in our family,

and he wasn't like the dad
that... knew about his kids.

Like, he never went to a...

a doctor's appointment
or like a school meeting.

He was just like, "Su,
this one smells weird."

"Put him
in the back of the van."

Got Rosa Park-ed.

But my mom,
she took me to a doctor.

and the doctor told me
that what I should do

to try and stop wetting the bed,

is suck in my belly
a bunch of times.

And that should strengthen
my pelvic floor.

And then maybe I'll be able to
hold my urine through the night.

So basically at eight years old,
the doctor is like,

"Do some Kegels,
see what happens."

And it didn't work.
I still wet the bet.

But, boy, is my pussy tight.

Gotta start young,
right, ladies?

Yeah.

Now, ladies, if you've been
doing your Kegels,

clap without using your hands,

There's some curtains...

So that didn't work,

so my mom had to figure out
something to do

to stop me from wetting the bed
and she couldn't stop me.

So she just made me
wear diapers to bed.

That's all she could think of.

Like she, just... Like,
I was a small kid.

So I fit
the largest-size pamper.

And she made me
wear that to bed,

and then that was it.

And then she's like,
"Be proud of who you are!

"And don't let anybody
make you feel like you're less than."

And then she sent me off
to sleepovers and camp.

And I got bullied relentlessly

-Aww!
- Because... Yeah, it's okay.

Even if the kids,
they didn't see the diaper,

they could still hear it.

Diapers are so loud!

And the ironic thing?

The only way
to get a diaper to be quiet,

is to get it wet.

So kids would find out
about my diaper,

and then they'd bully me.

They'd be like, "Ooh, boy,
you got to wear a diaper.

"What are you,
a little piss-baby?

"Aw, piss-baby's
gotta wear a diaper!"

That's what they called me,
"Piss-baby."

And in 2023,

if I was a kid that wet the bed,

I'd still get bullied.

There's no advocacy group
for bed-wetters.

Right? There's no hashtag.

Right?

There's no parade.

There's no flag.

And it'd be
the easiest flag to make.

White, yellow spot.
I made them all the time!

But no, nothing like that.
So I just got bullied.

But then there's one kid.
He had an older brother.

He pulled me aside one day,

and he's like, "Dude,
don't worry about it.

"I used to wet the bed.

"When I hit puberty,
that's when it stopped."

So I got very excited
about puberty.

And in fifth grade,
they did sex ed.

I don't know how they did it
in your school,

but in our school,
they did it like this.

Boys go in one room,
girls go in another room.

And then,

they turned off all the lights.

But before that, all the boys
are like 11, 12 years old,

like, "Pfft!
We don't need this.

"We already know everything
there is to know about sex.

"We're all
having sex all the time."

Very cocky 11-year-olds...

And then they turned
the lights off,

and turned on
the overhead projector,

and showed us that diagram
of a woman's reproductive system

that looks like
the sloth from Ice Age.

And we're all like, "Are we
horny right now?

"Because this
is weird I think.

"I didn't know there was
gonna be so many tubes."

But then there was the cool kid.

He knew more about sex

than what they
taught us in class.

He knew about, like... oral sex,

and anal sex,

and what it felt like.

And then 30 years later,

you try and write
a joke about it,

and you're like, "Oh, no,
something happened to Brad!"

We all thought he was bragging.
Turns out it was a cry for help.

We're like,
"You're the coolest, Brad!"

And he's like, "I don't
like going to scouts!"

Right. It's all right.

He got a huge settlement.
He's killing it now.

So I was all pumped for puberty,
but I was a late bloomer.

I didn't get any puberty
when I was 11,

when I was 12, still nothing...

13, nada!

And then, 14,
things started happening.

I got a few hairs under my arms.

I got one hair on my balls,

that I protected with my life.

I was like,
I can't have my balls

going back
to looking like Caillou.

I need at least a Charlie Brown.

And then it happened.

I stopped wetting the bed.

I went like two weeks
without wetting the bed.

And it's the first time
in my life,

that I felt confidence.

And this happens
to a lot of people in their teenage years.

They kind of figure out
what they're doing,

where they're going with life.

Like, I had a cousin...

When he was a year
older than me, 15 years old,

he won a state championship
in wrestling,

and that madehim feel confident.

Lebron James,
when he was 16 years old,

was on the cover
of Sports Illustrated magazine.

And when I was 14 years old,
I was like...

"I don't gotta wear
diapers anymore!"

Right?

Different accomplishments,
same exact feeling.

So I stopped wearing a diaper.

But I didn't tell anybody.
I just stopped doing it.

And then we went...

Yeah.

And then we went on
a road trip as a family,

and that night,
we stayed in a motel.

And I was sleeping
on the pullout couch.

You know,
the little thin mattress

with the bar
that goes down the middle,

that gives you
scoliosis immediately.

And that night,
I think I peed more pee

than anybody's ever peed
in their entire life.

I'm serious. It filled up
the whole mattress...

- ...and was dripping through.
-Oh!

I know, and I'm not
telling you that

to try and gross you out,

I'm telling you that
because when my mom saw it,

she was like, "Billy!"

Aw!

"Why didn't you wear
your diaper?"

But remember, I have
all this newfound confidence

that I don't know how to wield,

so I was like, "Pfft.
Don't worry about it, Mom.

"I've gone through puberty.

"That's... not... pee."

Then my mom
had to explain to me,

that when you have
a wet dream,

not that much stuff comes out!

Did any of your moms
ever tell you you didn't come?

Yeah.

Listen, it's not better...

It's not better
if they told you, you did.

Like, it's not...

"Oh, that was so much, sweetheart!"

"So many ropes!"

That's a lose-lose situation.

But that's not what my mom said.

She didn't say
anything like that.

My mom is a very religious lady.

The way my mom
explained it to me,

was very simple and sweet.

And all she said was,

"Billy, that's not
how the magic happens."

And I didn't think
anything of that,

because you never know
how phrases

are going to stick
into your mind, though.

And so a few years later,

I was watching a show
on MTV, called Cribs,

and Snoop Dogg
was showing off his bedroom.

And he walks in,

and he points to his bed,

and he says,

"This is where
the magic happens."

And I got a boner
that I'm still not okay with...

...because I don't know
what that means.

It's been rattling around
in my head for a long time,

and I don't want to
unlock that box,

because there's
a fetish in there,

that, honestly, if I unlock it,

I'm probably gonna
feel real good. And...

But I don't want it,
because it's either about

Snoop Dogg or my mom,
or piss or all three.

And I hate that.

I hate that so much.

But do I?

...because it might be
the best thing I ever do.

But I can't tell you that

People are ashamed of fetishes.

That... is a fetish.

People are weird
about fetishes,

and they don't...

Like, guys get shamed
all the time for their fetishes.

Like, uh, guys get shamed
for being into feet.

Right?

Women are always like,
"Oh, guys are into feet!

"That's so weird,"

which is so hypocritical
because women,

you're into feet, too...

...uh, just six feet.

Yes!

Lot of...

All the guys in here
are over six feet.

Cool.

Not a problem for me!

You guys never heard
of the dating app

where a woman's like,

"Oh, gotta be six feet tall
if you want some of this"?

Like, okay...

I mean I am, so it's fine.
But...

But then they see
the rest of your body,

and they're like, "Oh, there's
other requirements."

But I love you, ladies.
I think you're amazing.

I think you're great.

My whole life, I've heard
how great you are from women,

and I've bought into the hype,
because women always talk

about how women are strong.

Women are smart,
women are funny.

Women should run the world.

All right. So, why
do you get mad

when we want to sleep
with more than one of you?

Took the bait, you dumb bitches!

Has anybody here
ever cheated on somebody?

Me neither.

No, I cheated
on a girl one time,

and she got really mad.

And the thing
she was most mad about,

is that the girl
that I cheated with,

wasn't prettier than her

Right?

She's like, "She wasn't even
prettier than me!"

But what's another thing
that women always say?

It's what's on the inside
that counts...

And inside the girl
that I cheated with,

was no gag reflex.

So I was like, "You just
got to get to know her!"

And now, I'm dating millennials.

I am a millennial.

I'm just like the old end
of the millennial spectrum.

But the younger ones,
they like butt stuff.

Like, that's the thing...

Like... Butts are on the table.

My butt, their butt,
butts get touched.

And I know there's--

There's a lot of guys like,

"Oh, no girl's
gonna touch my butt.

"My butt's exit only.

"No one's sticking
a finger up my butt."

But it's like, come on,
you never climbed up a slide.

Right?

You never went the wrong way
up an escalator like...

All I'm saying is, sometimes,
going the wrong way can be kind of fun.

All right?

Like, if they get in there,
and push that button,

Hey, hey!

Now, if they do it wrong,
it just feels like

you're pooping fingers
and I don't like that, but...

Yeah, I said fingers.

I'm a slut. Uh...

A lot of guys
want a bigger dick.

I don't want
my dick to be bigger.

I just want it to vibrate.

That's it.

That's all I want.

Because I I know
what my dick does, and it's...

That's what, like...

I don't mind
using a vibrator with a girl

Like, I was hooking up
with this one girl once,

and I used the vibrator on her.

And she made a noise like...

"Oh!"

And the only way I could get
a girl to make that noise with my body is

if I actually knocked
the wind out of her.

Like, if I pushed her
too high on a swing,

and she fell on her back

And she's like, "Oh!"

And I'm like, "Did you come?"

But they don't make
like an implant you can put.

I don't want, like,
a cock ring that just...

you put it and take it off,
and have to wash it and stuff.

I don't want that.
I want, like, an implant.

But they don't make that.

So, I'm just gonna jerk off
with Michael J. Fox's blood

till I get shaky.

I know.

That's the moment where people
have to make a decision.

"Are we... Are we here,
or are we not?"

You're here, okay?

And I get a lot of stuff
for my jokes, like,

a lot of people
that will be like,

They'll see my jokes online,

they'll be like, "Oh, I don't
like dirty comedy.

"I like clean comedy."

It's actually harder
to do clean comedy,

and I disagree.

Because, when you do
dirty comedy,

people say things like,
"I only like clean comedy."

And then I have to
resist murdering them.

And that's really hard.

Also, when you do dirty comedy,

and somebody says
"I only like clean comedy,"

you have to fuck their mom.

You have to fuck their mom
in their mom's big red pussy.

Red like one of those
old hot water bottles.

Just...

That's a vibrant word picture.

So, anyway, I'm single. Uh...

I get into a lot
of trouble with ladies,

because you do things
that drive me crazy,

and I just tell you
that they drive me crazy.

Like, I like
when you wear baggy pants

more than you wear
tight pants, ladies,

and a lot of guys
like tight pants.

I like baggy pants because
they fall right to the floor.

Tight pants,
when you take them off...

The first time
you take them off,

you take them off all sexy,
like bend over at the waist

and just kind of
wiggle out of them,

and it's all hot
and your ass is out, mmm.

But every time after that,

when you take off tight pants,
you just stomp on them...

...like a toddler. Just like...

When you get into bed,
you're like, "Are you ready?"

"No!"

"Well, why not?

"'Cause it looked like you just
welcomed me to Munchkinland

"as a member
of the Lollipop Guild."

Another thing that happens
in relationships,

is women
will tell me their problems.

And then I tell them,

how they can solve
those problems.

You're not supposed to do that.

No!

Women don't like
their problems solved.

Women like to treat
their problems

like they're on Hoarders
like, "No, I need these."

What if we get you new problems
like I want those, too.

But I need the old ones.

I don't get that, because,
if someone can solve my problem,

let's solve it.

Also, if I have a problem,

and I don't want
someone to solve it,

I don't tell them.

Like if I have a flat tire,
I don't call up my friend

and be like, "Hey, man,
I got a flat tire."

He's like, "Do you need help
with your flat tire?"

I'm like, "No, I don't need help
with my flat tire."

I just need you to know
that I have a flat tire.

But I am a nice guy.
I'll buy you tampons, I don't care.

I've bought a lot of tampons,

and I know there's some guys

that are weird about
buying tampons for a lady.

Like, "I don't know
what they got.

"I don't know
what's going on down there."

I'll buy your tampons,
but you got to be careful

what store you're at,

because they have a different
lineup at different stores.

Like, if you're at
a health food store,

you've got to read the whole box

...because you've never
heard of that brand,

and you'll end up...
Like, "I got you tampons,"

and they open the box,
and it's a pinecone.

Oh...

I don't know what it is about,

like health food,
or like just like...

all natural organic companies,

but they always have to put

a screed on the back of the box

about how that company
came to be.

Like, regular companies
don't do that.

Like... Doritos doesn't have
an "about me."

It's like, "My grandpa,
Jim Dorito wanted everybody...

"...to have orange fingers,
and be obese."

So I bought tampons for this
one girl one time.

I was at a health food store,

and I got this company
called "The Honey Pot."

Uh, so, yeah.

So I'm going to read you
"About me" from The Honey Pot.

This is a real company.

We might have to cut this
from the album.

But I'm gonna do it anyway.

So, this is by Bea Dixon,

the CEO and co-founder
of The Honey Pot.

She said,

"I was suffering
with bacterial vaginosis...

"...for eight months..."

Eight months. Suffering.

Not perturbed.

Not annoyed. Suffering.

For eight months.

That's almost
a whole baby's worth

of bacterial vaginosis.

You can't even get rid of that
in some states anymore.

You've got to carry it to term.

That bacterial vaginosis
has a soul!

Also, let's not gloss over
how funny a word "Vaginosis" is.

It sounds like you're
hypnotized by a vagina.

Which, guys,
we've all been there, right?

Like, "Yeah, I'll get you
the Taylor Swift tickets."

But Vaginosis could also be
a psychedelic girl-power band.

Like, "We are Vaginosis,

"and we're bringing down
the patriarchy

"with the power of funk!"

Funk means two things
in that joke.

So, "I was suffering
from bacterial vaginosis

"for eight months,

"when an ancestor
came to me in a dream

"and gifted me with a vision
to heal myself."

So basically, her vagina
was having such a bad time

that a ghost is like,
"Hey, what are you doing?"

I imagine that ghost
was like, "I gotta do what

"to get my angel wings?
Good God."

"With her help,
I created The Honey Pot

"to solve for what
other brands wouldn't,

"feminine care,
powered by herbs."

I want to see
that episode of Shark Tank.

Right?

She comes in,
"Hey, Sharks, I'm Bea Dixon,

"the CEO and co-founder
of The Honey Pot.

"My other co-founder
couldn't be here today

"because she exists
on an astral plane."

"But anyway, what happened was,
I got a little baci vagi..."

"...for eight months...

"...and I was suffering.

"And then a ghost came
and saged my pussy,

"and now I'm all better.

"I would like $1,000,000
for a 10% investment."

And I think she'd get it.

I think she'd get it
from my favorite Shark, Daymond John.

Yeah.

If you don't know
who Daymond John is,

he's a guy that, in the '90s,

invented a fashion line
called FUBU.

For Us, By Us, his hip-hop
clothing wear for black people.

And then fans
of the Insane Clown Posse were like, "Oh!"

"Oh!

"We're gonna wear that."

Yeah.

Wiggers love FUBU.

And listen, I know I probably
shouldn't say that word.

Like, I would never use
the N-word,

but the only person
that's ever oppressed a wigger

is a responsible parent.

"That's FUBU.
That's for us, by us.

"We're not us. We're them.
We wear Dockers."

But I think Daymond John
would bring back FUBU

and turn it into
a woman's product line,

and it'd still be FUBU,
but Before Uterus, By Uterus.

All right, that went okay.

Nobody likes that joke.

Nobody likes that joke.
It's too hard to follow that with...

Do the wigger stuff,
and then the FUBU,

but that went well enough.

I love Shark Tank, by the way.
It's a great show.

I wish they made Shark Tank
at the beginning of time...

...when they were just kind of
coming up with everything.

You go on Shark Tank,
and you're like, "Hey, Sharks,

"we're gonna get things rolling.

"That'll make sense
in a second.

"The wheel."

All right, all right.
I need you guys' help.

This is the one time
where you guys kind of get to yell stuff out.

So I need your help
with the rest of this bit. All right.

Another guy comes on
like, "Hey, Sharks,

"you know
what the best thing is?

"Ripped bread."

And then they...
Then they pull out a knife,

and then you get...

-Sliced bread!
- Sliced bread. Very good, very good.

Not that funny, but you'll see.

Uh...

"All right, Sharks,

"how would you like

"construction equipment
and farm equipment

"that makes
new construction equipment

"and farm equipment?

"Sharks, I give you..."

-Slavery!
- What the fuck?

No!

Domesticated animal, dude!

I had...

I had a whole thing
about how, like,

a guy just saw an ox,

and was like, "I can get
that motherfucker to work for me,"

and then you just go off
with slavery.

How dare... No, you nailed it.

Um...

I just can't say it,
or nobody laughs.

So thank you for falling
on that racist grenade.

I'm glad
we didn't kick him out.

I knew he was going
to come through. I knew it.

I knew it.

I was like,
"If he can just be here for 40 more minutes..."

Speaking of slavery,
though, I did recently go to Egypt.

Well, it's a transition.

I think if I said,

"Hey, speaking of slavery,
I went to Egypt.

"There's a line there
that makes sense."

Anyway, I went
to Egypt recently,

and while I was there,
I got to go to the pyramids.

And I went into a pyramid,
and I got to go into a room

that they just discovered,
that nobody's been in

since they built the pyramids.

And they gave me
an app on my phone

that I could use

to translate the hieroglyphics
on the wall of that pyramid.

And they said,

"Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since high school.

"I hope you're doing well.

"Anyway, how would you like
to be your own boss... -

"...and make $15,000 a month?"

Pyramid schemes
go all the way back, man. I didn't know that.

And listen, listen,

if you got that joke
before I said, "Pyramid scheme,"

great job. You are awesome.

If you didn't get that joke
until I said, "Pyramid scheme,"

see me after the show.

I got a way we can both make
a lot of money.

So, I have kids.

I have... I have three kids.

They're my step-kids
that I've raised since they were little.

I'm a hero.

I'm just a good stepdad,
which is a low bar.

People go,
"What makes you good stepdad?"

"I didn't molest them."
Everyone's like, "Oh, yeah!

"That's awesome!

"Good stepdad."

I miss them.
They're all grown up now.

They're all grown up.
They're adults now.

I miss when they were little.

Because when they're little,
they do cute stuff. So funny.

Like, when they'd ask
for money when they were little, oh, so cute.

Now when they ask for money,
it's just a Venmo request,

and I'm just like, "Block."

But when they were little,
they'd ask for money,

and it was always
like a production.

They'd come in
with that weird kid energy where they didn't...

They weren't acting
like themselves.

They'd walk in
and they'd just be like, "Oh, good day, sir.

"How do you do?

"I was pondering...

"...if there's any chores
I could complete

"in order to get money...

"...for ice cream.
For the ice cream truck."

Like, "If I sweep
from here to here...

"...will you give me money

"to get ice cream
from the ice cream truck?"

I'm like, "No, you gotta do
a whole chore.

"You gotta sweep
the whole kitchen,

"and then I'll think
about giving you money for the ice cream truck."

"Oh, my good man.

"We are at odds here.

"I will not be doing that."

"Well, why not?"

"Because I'm just
distracting you

"while my sister
steals your wallet."

Little grifters.

I also liked when they got hurt
when they were little.

That was fun.

Not bad,
but when they got hurt

a little bit, like...
Just like...

You know, my favorite
was taking them roller-skating

because they weren't
very coordinated.

So taking my kids roller-skating
was like paying $5 apiece

to have them beaten by a floor.

Just filming everything.

People are like,
"You must be so proud."

I'm like, "No.

"Just collecting evidence.

"Just getting a little alibi."

When they did
get hurt, though,

I'd always try
and teach them a lesson.

Not with whatever
they were doing.

I try and sneak
something else in

that they were messing up
in their life.

I remember one time
we went to Kalahari.

You guys know Kalahari?
It's the indoor water park where you go...

Yeah.

It's a great place to go
to get MRSA.

And we went there,
and me and my son went on this one slide.

It was a tube slide,
and we're on this raft.

And when we were going
down it, it's pitch black

and you can't see anything
in there.

And we're getting
all sloshed around.

And at one point
on the way down,

my son hit his nose
against his knee,

and he had
so much adrenaline going

that he didn't even notice it.

Then we get to the bottom
of the tunnel,

and I see light
come through the tunnel.

I see blood gushing
out of his nose.

And I didn't handle it well,
just like, "Oh! What happened to your face!"

Then based on my reaction,

and he sees blood
all over his chest,

he starts freaking out.
He's like, "Am I dead?

"Am I dead? Am I dead?"

And I knew he wasn't dead.

But I wasn't
gonna tell him that.

Because I saw an opportunity
to teach him a lesson.

So what I did
is held them in my arms

and pretended
that I couldn't hear him.

"Why?

"Oh!

"This always happens
to kids that don't keep their room clean!"

And he's like,
"I'll clean my room! I'll clean my room!

"I'll keep it clean forever!
I promise!"

And I'm like,
"Oh, look who's back.

"Remember what you said."

But the cutest thing
that ever happened with my kids

was when I first moved in.

We went out to celebrate,
and we went to dinner,

and someone recognized me
at dinner.

And my oldest daughter
was about eight years old at the time,

and she got so excited,
because she knew I did comedy,

but she didn't know
if I was famous or not,

or if I was like...

She just knew
I was in show business.

So she got super excited,

and she looks at me
and her mom, and she goes,

"We're getting famous."

The guy that recognized me
bullied me in school.

He's like, "Piss Baby?

"What you been up to?"

I was like,
"I'm raising your kids, man."

I showed him.

Yeah.

But I left him a good tip,
so that was cool.

I got arrested once.

Has anybody in here
ever been arrested?

I knew I could count
on you, Ohio.

I got arrested a few years ago.

It was
at the Mansfield Reformatory,

where they filmedThe Shawshank Redemption

and do haunted houses.

And I went down there
for my friend's birthday.

And we were there, and...

The plan was to drink at a bar

and then drink
at the haunted house,

and go drink at another bar,
'cause we bought Fastpasses,

and we're like,
"We'll be in and out

"because we've got
the Fastpasses."

But it turns out everybody else
that went to the haunted house

also bought Fastpasses.

And when everybody has
a Fastpass,

it's just the line.

So we were in line for,
like, three and a half hours,

but don't worry,
we brought a ton of booze,

so we just got wasted.

And then I finally get up
to show my ticket,

it's on my phone,
my phone dies,

and the guy's like,
"Sir, if you don't have a ticket, you can't come in."

I was like, "Why would I wait
in line for three and a half hours

"if I didn't have a ticket?"

He's like, "I don't know, man.
I hate this job. I just want to go home."

And then I walk past him,
and a cop stops me,

and the cop is like,
"Hey, no ticket,

"you got to get out of here."

And I was like,
"Fine, but fuck you."

And he's like,
"Well, now you're under arrest."

I'm like, "You can't arrest me
for saying, 'Fuck you.'"

He's like,
"I can if you're drunk."

I'm like, "Ooh, got me
with his legal mumbo jumbo."

So since I'm getting arrested,
I was like, "I might as well lean into it."

So I was just like,
"You look like fat John Cena.

"Everyone can see you."

Even his partner
laughed at that.

Like, he didn't show it,
but he turned,

and you could see
his shoulders going like this.

And then I got to the jail.

And when I got there,
I recognized the dude

that was also
at the haunted house.

I'm like, "Dude, you were
at the haunted house, too.

"Were you drunk?"
He's like, "I'm still drunk."

I'm like, "Did you tell the cop
to fuck off?"

He's like,
"I tried to take his gun."

So we started a gang.

We call those ourselves
The Dufresne Boys...

...in honor
of Shawshank Redemption.

Uh, yeah.

First, we tried to tunnel out.
That didn't work.

Then we told the guards
we'd do their taxes.

Like, "We'll do your taxes.
Give me a W-2."

They're like, "It's October."

I'm like, "Come on."

Anyway, that's how I met
Hunter Biden.

Oh!

He's nice, He's very nice.

So, in the morning,
I had to make a phone call

to try and get out of there.

And I realized, in 2019,

I don't know
anybody's phone number.

My phone is dead.
They don't let you charge it.

So I'm trying to think
of any number that I can

to call,
so I can get out of there.

And the only number
that popped into my head

was one of my old
phone numbers

that I gave
to my oldest daughter

when she got her first phone.

So that's who I called.
And she was about 21 years old at the time.

And let me explain
that at that point in our relationship,

we were doing good.

But when she was a teenager,

things were a little rough.

Her mom kicked her out
of her house.

She came and lived
with me for a while.

Then I kicked her back
to her mom's house.

Things were tumultuous.

And we got into
a lot of fights, a lot of arguments.

It happens with teenage kids.

And then when she moved out
on her own,

she realized
she needed money, and we got close.

But she also kept receipts.

Because when I called her,

she was like,
"What are you doing?"

I was like, "I'm in Mansfield."

And she's like,
"Where they filmedThe Shawshank Redemption

"and they do haunted houses?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, but now
I'm at a different jail."

And she's like, "Oh, my God,
this is the best day of my life."

I'm like, "Go to my house,

"get my checkbook
and get me out of here."

And she's like,
"I will be there so fast."

And she showed up,

and she was eating up
this moment.

She threw both the doors open,

and it was just pacing
back and forth,

not talking to me,
just talking to the guards,

twirling my checkbook around.

My checkbook did not have
a tassel on it.

She put one on there
to be dramatic.

So she came in,
and she's got...

She's just walking around,
she's like,

"My dad over there...

"...always told me,
when I was a teenager,

"based on how I act,

"I'm probably gonna end up
getting arrested.

"And my dad over there...

"...always told me,
based on how I act,

"he doesn't know
if he would bail me out."

And I was just like,
"Damn, that was good."

So I write the check,
and we're on our way out,

and I'm trying to leave
in a hurry

because there's a dude
in another cell

that was staring at me,

and he was creepy.

He wasn't even just creepy,
he was scary.

He had, like, face tattoos,

wasn't blinking enough.

Not enough teeth.
Like, just a scary dude.

Just, like, jail-scary.

And we have to walk past him
to get out of there.

And as we're walking past him,

he starts banging
on the glass of the cell.

And my daughter
just turns and goes, "Hi.

"Why are you here?

"I'm here
to bail my dad out of jail."

And I'm like, "Shut the fuck up.
I want to get out of here."

And that guy
didn't even acknowledge my daughter.

He stared right into my eyes
and pointed at me, and goes,

"I know you.

"You're Bill Squire.

"You're hilarious."

And I looked at my daughter,
and I was like,

"We're getting famous."

Thank you guys all so much.
This was amazing.

And a dream come true.

Thank you.