Original subtitles

You look so sweet, so sweet.

Hey, babe, you do want to do this, right?

Because, like, if you don't want to, we definitely don't...

I do. I so do.

Yeah. Me too.

- Just the four of us. - Yeah, we got this.

We got this.

Ooh!

How long do we have to beat the thing?

Um, no later than ten.

Oh, shit. Okay, we better hustle, then.

Yeah.

- Oh. - Oh.

Yeah. I put on one of your suits 'cause I didn't have anything

and I thought wedding, so.

Yeah, yeah. No, you look amazing.

It really, really suits you. But, um...

Yeah, I think we both look like real estate agents.

- Um, we should change. - Let's change.

- We'll just change. - Yeah.

Shut that quietly.

Where are you four running away to?

- Mummy! Hello, you. - Hello.

Uh, we, um, we're just off to the zoo.

- Yeah, for the day. - Yeah.

- The zoo? - Yeah, yeah.

I mean, we would have invited you.

We just thought, you know, caged animals weren't your thing.

You're more of a free animal.

Aren't they a bit young to be watching gibbons

flinging their shit about?

No, we love the zoo.

- We're going because we... - It's for us.

...adore it.

It's a nice dress.

- She looks lovely. - Thank you. Thanks for that.

Well, you know, you have to...

One must dress for the zoo. So...

- Yeah. - We have done so.

- Anyway, we should probably... - We should go.

But next time you should come.

- We'd love you to... - Yeah.

- You should expand your horizons. - Giraffes.

- Animals are delightful. - Bye! Tooroo!

Wait.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Those cunning little lesbians.

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Oh, my God, I'm coming!

Oh, Shelley.

- Lovely fascinator. - Rosie!

- Daughter emergency. - What's wrong?

Nat and Steph are getting married today. Without us.

- An elopement? - Precisely.

Those cunning little lesbians.

They tried sneaking off this morning.

Nat was in a formal short, calves on full display.

Oh my God.

They're going to casually tie the knot.

It's every mother's worst nightmare.

There is no way I'm letting them rob us of our special day.

Come in. I'll throw something on.

Can you rally the troops?

- We need the whole family there. - On it.

Wow.

- Beautiful. - Yeah.

Amazing.

I mean, it's not as bad as it looks on the website.

No, no. Definitely not.

The orange tiles are our vibe.

You still keen?

Yeah.

This feels perfect.

Just the four of us.

Yeah. I mean, it could be...

It could be just the four of us in Bali, though.

Oh, no. The humidity...

- Your hair. - ...with my hair would be...

Whoa.

- That would ruin the photos. - I'm just saying, you know, um.

I can wait.

I don't want to wait.

I want to marry you today.

In fact, right now.

Nat and Steph?

- That is us. Hello. - Hello.

Yeah. Sorry. You could not have come on a worse morning.

Do you mind if I push you to kind of 10:30, 11?

Got to wrap up my 930 and then I'm dying for a scone and coffee.

- Oh. - Right.

- Yeah? - There's someone else in there?

Oh, yeah. They're just doing their vows. They're fine.

Honestly, I don't normally moan to clients, but usually Diane's

in here and we tag in and out of ceremonies.

Anyway, she's off with COVID.

You know what that means? Hit the bottle.

And so I'm kind of doing these back to back.

Oh, that's okay.

We're... we're happy to wait. There's no rush.

God, I love lesbians.

Thank you so much. All right.

Fuck. He's finished already. I guess short and sweet.

Congrats!

I really feel like a scone now.

- I do too. I'm so glad you said... - I'll go and get us a scone.

Thank you.

Respect their privacy. Are you out of your mind?

Rosie! It's your only daughter's wedding day today, Malcolm.

For God's sake. Here. Try that.

Well, I think it could be just the thing for you four to patch

things up.

It would just feel... No.

It would just feel empty without you and Johnny there.

I'll see if I can get Ted to lend you a tie.

We're going to go semi-formal.

Steph looked like she was dressed for the mall

and I don't want to upstage her.

I'll leave the Johnny ring for you, then, shall I?

I just think it would be really lovely for the boys to be able

to look back on this day and see that everybody was there.

Rosie, we should get going.

It's at the registry office in town.

If you get there before we do, stop them.

Oh, I don't know, Lily. Just work your magic.

Oh, where are my fucking keys?

Oh, in my bag.

They're getting married.

Nat and Steph.

Good for them, I guess.

Yeah. They were trying to elope, but Rosie and Shelley

are totally on to them, so they want us there.

Nat and Steph?

Well, Rosie and Shelley, but yeah, I mean, Nat and Steph will want us

there when they realise their elopement

is about to be mum bombed.

Mm. You gonna go?

Well. I mean, I figure it's better to go than not go. Right?

And just now I've realised what I'm going to wear

and it's perfect.

So are you going to come?

I can't.

Johnny.

I don't want to say that I think you're making a big mistake

and you're going to regret it.

But I think you're making a big mistake and you're gonna regret it.

They don't want me there.

How about you drop me off?

Just wait in the car. Just hang at the back.

I can't.

Hey!

Oh! Congratulations. You look so beautiful.

- There you go. - Oh! Thank you.

Got the bouquet.

Are you crying?

Oh, they just look so happy.

Oh, thank God that one's over.

Oh! Okay.

Nat, Steph. You guys can go in and get settled in.

I'm going to head off and get a scone.

Desperately needed after that one. You know?

Because sometimes you just know they're not

in it for the long haul.

Give it six months.

- This way, Rosie. - You know where we're going?

No. No idea, but this looks promising. Over here.

- Oh, beautiful. - I agree.

Wait, wait, wait.

Kind of looks like an old whisky bar.

- Yeah. - Or a room in the Titanic.

- Yeah. - Stop this wedding.

Oh, fuck.

God. I've always wanted to say that.

What are you doing here?

We could say the same thing.

Getting married without inviting your mothers. The nerve!

How did you even find out about this?

Mother's intuition.

I went through your personal belongings.

Oh, Mum!

Look, this isn't what it looks like.

This... This isn't a wedding wedding.

Precisely.

Oh, Mum, don't get upset, okay? We can explain. We just...

The only thing that's got me through your years of bullshit, Nat,

was the hope that one day, I'd be able to attend a chic

little lesbian wedding in a barn.

And you're gonna rob us of that?

This is exactly why we didn't tell anyone.

We're not not inviting you.

We're not inviting anyone.

This is just something that we wanted to do for us

and for the boys.

Well. Tough shit.

We're here.

Your fathers are on their way as well.

Oh, God. Rosie.

It's worse than I thought.

There are flags in the room. Oh.

But I haven't even had time to prepare my speech.

Dad, that is the point.

We don't want speeches or anything.

- I've already written a poem. - Okay, fine.

Rosie, you can read the poem, but that's it, nothing else.

Surely our side of the family should be represented as well.

I don't need you speaking for me, Malcolm.

Like I said, we don't want any speeches.

- Just saying we could both speak. - Well that's fine.

In that case, you should say something as well, Ted.

I'll call my sister on the phone, and she can sing that song

that she sang at our wedding over speakerphone.

No. No cousins, no aunties.

There's six seats in here.

Okay. You four. But that is it.

That's the limit. No more.

What? Oh, the whole family's here now.

That'll be extra.

Well, yeah, it wasn't really part of the plan, but...

Any chance we could hold off for an hour or so?

A few more people we're waiting on.

Well, I've got another one in an hour from now, so you could try

and swap with someone, otherwise, I can't help you.

But you're already running late.

What's a few more minutes between nuptials and forever amen?

I don't like your attitude. This is a civil service.

- Excuse me. - Excuse you!

Talking about attitude.

Have you told him about this?

Does he know? No, he doesn't know.

No-one knows. That's the whole point of it.

Well, he hasn't spoken to us since we moved out.

Yeah, he... he doesn't want any communication,

so we're trying to respect it.

If this is as much for the boys as it is for you two,

then Johnny needs to be here.

- We could try and call Lily. - Already have.

You called her?

- Of course. - Mum.

- She's coming? - Yes.

Yeah. We'll be okay.

Hey. You okay?

Stop this wedding.

I've already said that.

- Damn it! - Lily! Lily!

Okay, look, this is just honestly a spontaneous little thing

that we were gonna do.

They weren't supposed to be here.

It's my one and only chance to be maid of honour.

And it's like, now I don't even get the free hair trial

or the free makeup trial.

He's not coming.

Yeah, well, we tried calling him and he's not answering the phone.

Did you try a skywriter? A flash mob? An ambush?

He doesn't want to see us at the moment, Lily, so.

Coward! Cowards! Both of you.

Come on, guys, this is Johnny.

Our Johnny.

The Johnny that will watch a movie with you,

even if he's already seen it.

He fixes all your things.

Picks you up, gives you lifts.

He shops individually for all of our tampons.

He knows all of our flows.

Regular. Super.

I don't even know.

You bitches broke him, you know?

But it's still there. It's still there for him. I know it is.

He loves us.

He loves you guys.

He fucking loves those boys.

I mean, family is the most important thing to Johnny.

All right, chop chop.

Let's get this thing going. Yeah?

- Yeah. Yes. - Yeah?

- Cool. - Yeah. Okay.

Good. Great.

Well, everyone sit down, I guess.

Sorry. Can you not throw the petals?

It's office policy.

Stop this wedding.

For fuck's sake!

- We have to go. - We have to go.

Mum, can you look after the boys? We'll be back soon.

We'll be back soon.

Steph.

But I've only paid for an hour's parking.

- John. Johnny. - Johnny!

Hey!

We have not done right by you, Johnny.

We were saying that we want you to be involved, but we've never

actually talked about what that actually looks like.

And we haven't even asked you what you want.

Um.

I just don't really know...

...how I fit in all this.

Like who I am, you know, to the boys. And...

I don't know what...

...what they would call me.

I don't know what to call myself.

Mm.

Yeah. And, like, that's not...

That's not your fault. Like that's...

- Our fault. - Our fault.

That's not like something we all should have thought about.

And, like, you know, we need to work that out.

You are a part of this, of... of us.

And we're so, so lucky that you are.

And the boys are so lucky that you are.

So lucky there's just no-one better than you to be in their lives.

So we would really like to know...

...what you would like.

And you can write it on this very official nappy.

Just tell us.

- Tell us how you want it to be. - Yep.

This is... an amendment to a previous agreement that

should have included you.

Yeah.

I just want you to allow me to...

...feel like it's okay to feel...

...what I do towards the boys.

And to allow me to love them properly.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Cos I do love those boys.

Of course.

Yep.

Yes, yes, yes.

We can definitely do that.

Okay, cool.

Do I have to write all that down?

- No. Just do the bullet points. - Okay.

♪ All through the night, I'll be awake

♪ And I'll be with you all through the night

♪ This precious time

- Nat, we'll begin with you - ♪ When time is new

- Legal objection to this marriage. - ♪ All

♪ All through the night today

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you bride and bride.

You may kiss the brides. Cheek or lips is fine.

♪ We have no past

♪ We won't reach back

♪ Keep with me forward all through the night

♪ And once we start, the meter clicks

♪ And it goes running all through the night

♪ Until it ends

♪ There is no end

♪ All through the night

♪ Stray cat is crying

♪ So stray cat sings back

♪ All through the night

♪ They have forgotten what binding they lack

♪ Oh, under those white street lights... ♪

What we need to do is like get a patch of land and then, like,

we build a tiny home, you guys build a tiny home,

and then we're all living on a tiny home.

Oh my God. Tiny homes. Why does everybody want a tiny home?

I hate it, you're sleeping in a mezzanine. It's like morning.

It's like you're in a coffin.

Can we do, like, an inner city commune

so then I wouldn't have to commute to work?

If it can be central city, I'm all in.

You know what? Anything for my wife.

Oh, yeah.

Anything for the old ball and chain.

I'm going to keep her in the lifestyle. You know what I mean?

Happy wife, happy life, as they say.

Yeah. Or you guys could, like, just buy in here.

Are you selling?

No. It's just...

Well, you know, it's always been my plan to buy Mum and Dad

out of their 17% of this place.

And, I don't know, maybe there's a way that you guys could buy

in a bit or something.

I don't know.

That... that's such a bad idea for you.

Crazy. Like, yeah.

Why would why would you offer us that?

Yeah, I'm just saying, maybe it would help you guys out.

And maybe I don't like the idea that much of you guys moving out.

Are you serious?

You know what? Fuck yous. Actually, the offer is off the table.

- No, no, no. - I'm trying to be.

I thought you were joking.

I try and do one nice thing and see, that's why I don't do nice things.

Because my voice goes all shaky and I get all vulnerable,

and you guys just tease me.

Are you actually serious?

Like, you're seriously serious?

Because the boys are only gonna get

louder and take up more space than they do now.

Every day they find new ways of torturing us.

Yeah. That's true.

And by the time they're toddlers, like, everyone's done for.

We could subdivide the house.

- Two houses? - Yeah, but under one roof.

We could put a wall in the middle,

add a... add a kitchen, add a bathroom.

- No. - No.

I don't know, it sounds like a lot of work.

I don't know.

I wouldn't want to break up any room.

- What? - We'd actually have to build it.

You know, and there's so much legal stuff.

So many permits, so many hoops to go through.

Yeah. Mhm.

- I mean, Johnny is a builder. - Yeah.

- Steph is a lawyer. - Yeah.

Yes I am.

♪ I could be on my knees

♪ Giving it my best defence

♪ Praying for it all to end

♪ If it went differently

♪ We could be the finest friends

♪ Faithful in the realest sense

- ♪ But... - Doing it?

- Do you think? - Should we...

- Oh... - Shake on it?

♪ Try to see God

♪ But He isn't at work

♪ Will you come down?

♪ Come down, come down to earth. ♪