Original subtitles

Yesterday was tough.

Like, all I wanted was an hour to myself

just so I could scroll Instagram

and watch videos of influencers,

like, organising their pantries.

Oh my God, yes.

But then Chris comes home from the firm late

and he says to me, "I'm tired."

- Oh no. - Absolutely not.

That's not a good move.

He goes, "I'm working full time."

- Bastard. - Yeah. Sorry.

Like this is not a full time job.

- Exactly. - Yeah. Definitely is.

And in that moment, I thought of every single possible way

that I could kill him.

Haha.

- What? - You know, poison will be good.

Did you guys know that baby bottle cleaner is actually super toxic?

No-no-no, no.

Hit him with your car.

- Okay. Yes. - Yeah, that could work.

You could say there's something wrong with it.

Goes to have a look. Boom!

Yeah or just, like, back over him in the driveway

when he's checking the mail.

- Okay. - That would work.

I mean, I could blame it on baby brain.

I heard that stands up in court,

especially if you have a female judge.

- Absolutely. - Yeah.

I'd kill him in his sleep.

Mhm. Yeah. Strangle him with muslin.

You see I thought you could, like, choke him and then stage it as sort

of an autoerotic asphyxiation.

- Ooh. Hot. - Yeah. That's good.

Humiliate and murder him.

- Yeah. - Yeah. He's freaky.

I just think about it exploding, you know?

- Okay. - You never see a guy explode.

Oh, my God, it was like murderers anonymous in there.

Except not even anonymous.

Just, like, fully fine with being accountable

for their husband's murders.

Yeah. I, I never want to see those women again.

Hi. Oh, Holly, hi.

Hi... Oh.

I just wanted to say it was so lovely to have you both

in there today.

Oh. Thank you.

We really had a time.

- So thank you for that. Yeah. - Yeah. So special.

Right, you know, we actually had a couple of gay dads in once,

but you lesbian mums are quite different.

So serious.

Hey, look, I just wanted to say that I get it.

Because, you see, um, Jess and I, we actually, we hooked up once

when we'd had too much Bernardino at a grammar party, so.

You know what I'm saying?

- Oh, you mean like you get this? - Yeah. Big time.

Uh, no, no, no, this is something quite different to that.

- Yeah. - Or is it?

It is.

Is it though? Mhm.

I don't know. Agree to disagree.

Oh, hey, I'm just wondering if you guys could settle

a little argument for us.

Me and the girls were just discussing, you know, with feeding

and the babies.

Do you feed each other's?

Like, do you swap or do you just feed your own one?

Oh no no, they're both our babies.

So we we feed both of them.

No, I know, I know, I know, but you're more of the masc...

- ...one though, right? - Sorry.

Like you're the dad.

Ah, no, I'm the mum.

She's the mum. Yeah.

What? No. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You misunderstood me.

I just meant because you present more masc like you're the dad.

Yeah, I think that's the thing about, um, like, making

your very cultural assumptions.

We're going to go.

We're going to go because he's done a really big coup,

like coming out the neck of his one thing.

Yeah, well. We'll see you next time.

Bye.

Oh, my. God.

A nightmare of a woman.

I'm just worried if we, like, keep going along to a group like that,

we'll get indoctrinated by this sort of satanic Stanley Cup cult.

Hey, what about this one?

Queer parent power, New Zealand's network of LGBTQ family groups.

Huh. Queer parent network.

Yeah, that's... That's sort of us, isn't it?

In their stock photo there's hot lesbians.

God, they're hot. That's got to be AI.

- No one's that hot. - I think we should look into it.

Yeah, it's... it's a great idea because, you know,

after all, we're queer, we're here,

we've got nothing to fear, don't we?

I was watching that.

Yeah, well, sorry, your F1 motive videos - whatever -

need to take a break.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

F1 is very demanding on the body.

Johnny.

I hate your mattress.

- What? - It's so shit, Jonny.

It's, like, soft and hard at the same time.

There's, like, this crater in it where I'm like,

where do I go around that, you know?

And like, every morning this left leg is dead.

It's completely dead. And I'm like, wake up.

I'm going to be like, wakey wakey, leg.

Wake up, wake up!

We need you, you know, to my leg.

And I just - I just don't want this to become something

that we break up over.

That's...

What?

Let's just get a new bed, then.

Really?

Yes.

We can even get our own mattress.

Wow.

Okay. What, like our first joint purchase?

Yeah, well, besides that zucchini pasta maker.

Oh, yeah. The zoodle maker.

Man, we should use that.

- Mhm. - Mhm. Yes.

Ooh. How fun.

And then we'll have zoodles for dinner.

Can we just have normal pasta?

Yeah, of course we can.

Hey, babe, have you seen my bongos anywhere?

I just wondered if I should take them along

because you never know, like, when one of these things

is going to break out into, like, an impromptu jam session.

Oh, sorry, babe, I think I threw it out in the last inorganic.

Oh.

Okay. Let's go.

What? What?

No, the two piece.

It's, um.

- Yeah? - It's formal.

It is. It's a look.

It's what I've chosen.

Yeah, yeah, no, it's just on the website,

it said queer family market day, you know,

not 1940s underground lesbian speakeasy.

- What? Do I...? - Yeah, I reckon a hat.

- What about a hat? - Yeah, or a cane?

I'm falling in love with the winter.

Oh, yeah. A little disco ball.

Good call.

Thank you.

- What do you want? - Five bucks.

What? Oh, come on.

You're embarrassing me in front of my new friends.

I just gave you five bucks.

I've only got a 50. Dude!

Hey, don't spend it on booze.

And no fighting.

A lot of testosterone that's fizzing around that kid's body.

All he wants to do is fight and kill shit every day.

- It's full on. - Oh my God, I do not blame him.

Oh, the thing is, he's actually really sensitive.

He just can't get - get hold of his feelings sometimes.

Mind you, I guess, like most adults. Huh?

- Oh, yeah. - Guilty.

Yeah. You should see me after sex.

I'm like, don't give me a chocolate.

- She's crazy. Wild. - Two boys.

Yep, yep.

Well, are you gonna have your hands full when those guys get older?

Oh, yeah, we sure will.

But I've actually just read this book, Mothering Boys.

Have you - Have you heard of it?

I found it just so, so wonderful.

I'm terrible.

I didn't read a thing.

Oh. Me too, me too. I don't read shit.

It's actually, like, the first one I've read.

Oh, yeah, my ex though, she, um.

Yeah, she did the book theory.

Me? I've got the street smarts.

Oh, yeah.

So your your, um, ex, did you say?

How's it work?

- You guys co-parent? - Oh, yeah?

Leo spends most of his time with her, but, yeah, yeah,

I mean, yeah, we we hang out a lot, and I try to bring him to things

like this so he can, you know, be around queer families more.

Oh, 100%. Yeah, yeah.

It's so important to us.

Plus, the dating scene here is more to my liking.

- It? Yep. - 0hh, okay.

Absolutely, absolutely.

I guess, yeah, single. ready to mingle.

There's so many hotties here.

This - This outfit is doing it for me.

I feel like you could get rid of the shirt, though.

You know, just the side boob.

Oh, Leo, don't get the... I've gotta go.

Hey, I'll get your number on your way out, yeah?

Okay, okay.

Yeah. Let's hang out.

Oh my God.

She is the coolest person...

You think I should just go after her

and give her the number now or...?

Aw, come on, Johnny.

You don't sleep like that.

It's just a bit weird that she's watching.

It's actually really important for me to watch you sleep.

So I know what kind of support you're gonna need.

Oh. Come on.

There you go.

Oh, yeah.

That feels right.

Side sleeper. Little spoon.

Interesting.

Okay.

The bed you're currently on, that's at the higher end of our mid range.

But don't worry, you're still gonna get that seven zone pocket spring

system that has the inbuilt back support that you need.

Plus this is really great for any disturbances

you might have through the night.

I'm talking dogs.

Cats.

Um, kids.

Oh, we don't need to worry about that.

Do you have kids?

- No. - Yeah, well, like I do.

- Like I... - Sort of.

Yeah, I mean, I gave my sperm to like friends of ours

so they have kids now.

But we all live together in the same house.

But we do not have kids.

Not now, not ever.

Right, okay, well, in that case, let me show you our waterbeds,

which are having a major comeback, by the way.

- Really? - Oh, big time.

Right.

Oh.

Don't worry, Steph, we'll have it all cleaned up

before your special dinner.

Who is this friend, anyway?

I thought we were your only friends.

Her name is Eddie, and we met her at the queer family get together.

Johnny, do you still have your surfboard?

Because I wonder if we just, like, lean it over there in that corner.

That'll look quite good, don't you think?

Oh, yeah. Nah, I sold it, sorry.

But I reckon you could probably pop up some

of Lily's work up there.

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah. We could.

Oh, shit.

- Sorry. - Hey, um, did you get wine?

No, no, no, I didn't get any wine. Should I have got wine?

Yes, you should get wine. You should drink.

One of us should drink. I can, I'm feeding.

Okay. No, I definitely will then, um.

Oh, what about that funky orange wine?

- Oh, yeah. - What is going on here, guys?

It's not a trampoline park. Okay? Strike that.

Get rid of it.

I'm taking down that funny woman picture as well.

Beekeeping is...

It's a spiritual practice for me. You know.

I love bees.

I've always loved bees.

- I have always wanted a hive. - What?

Hang on. Aren't you, like, deathly allergic?

Oh, but it's worth it for the honey, you know.

She might have grown out of that.

You know, when I was in in Greece, I lived with a beekeeper

and she couldn't speak any English and I knew, what, this much Greek.

but we would communicate by drawing in the dirt

with our fingers together.

Wow.

Yeah. It was such a visceral way to communicate.

- Oh, my God, that's so visceral. - Yeah.

I mean, I found out all about her life and the world

through the power of the earth.

It is not the dirt.

It was such a gift.

No mud, no lotus, right?

Yeah, I know. That's, like, so cool.

I feel that on such a deep level.

It's beautiful.

Beautiful.

. Oh. Little person.

Oh, that's one of the boys, Steph.

- We should. - I'll get it.

- Oh. Hey, Johnny, no... - No, I'll get it.

Johnny, thank you.

Johnny. Don't leave me.

I would love to go to Greece.

I don't know when it's going to happen, but I would love it.

Coming, coming, coming.

Who is it? Who is it?

Is it you? Is it you?

Okay, here I am.

Here I am.

Are you alright?

Ah.

Is that a smile?

Hey, is that a smile?

Hey! Oh, what a crazy lady.

Okay.

Are those tears for me?

Yeah? Are those tears for me?

Are those tears for you?

For me?

Yeah, it's happy time.

- No no no no no. - You have it.

No, I don't want to eat it.

No no no no no.

I don't want to suffocate you with my baby crowd.

Honestly, we don't mind about that kind of stuff.

Anyway, you're too cute.

I don't know about that, but.

I'm just tired all the time.

Especially after having kids, right?

- Oh my God. - Yeah, totally.

It's so full on.

I also think it's kind of like some...

That's gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I think it is.

And oh my God, look at your one.

- I know. - It smells amazing.

- What flavour is it? - Oh, here.

Oh, God. Yes! Yeah, love it very much.

Oh, no, you gotta hold on the button.

- Sorry. - Press that.

Yep. That's it.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Good.

So good.

So good.

"Oh, I highly recommend eating insects as a form of protein."

I think it's good that they've got some new lesbian mates.

Yeah, but she's got such orgy vibes, right?

Oh, hang on, do you think that's what's gonna happen

in there right now?

Are they about to have sex all together like that?

I'm actually kind of offended that they didn't ask us, you know?

It's like we're hot.

You're hot.

You're way hotter than Eddie.

You right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was just thinking about the thing you said in the bed shop

about not wanting kids.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I like kids, you know, but I've never wanted them.

You know, I still don't.

OK.

Is that going to be a problem?

I don't know.

I, um, I'm really enjoying, like, being part of the boys, you know?

- And I just... - Yeah.

I mean, but that's the point, right?

That you get to be their dad. Kind of.

Yeah.

Yeah. I guess you're right in a way.

Mm.

I was gonna say the cheap stuff.

I think I like stuff from the supermarket.

It comes in a little pink packet.

I don't want to hear this.

Come on, come on class.

- Mhm. - Mhm.

Mhm.

Okay.

Speaking of tea.

Mhm.

Have you never been with a man?

Ah, yes.

I, I am not a pure pure les, I, um.

I was, um, with Johnny.

A long time ago.

For a short time.

Hold on.

You fucked Johnny?

No, I didn't fuck Johnny, we third-based.

It was pretty, pretty innocent stuff.

Okay, but he's dad to both?

Well, he's the donor, but he's amazing with them.

Yeah. He's the best. The literal best.

So great.

Whoa.

I'm sorry, but you two should be so careful.

Oh. Yeah.

I mean, we've we've been pretty clear with him about, like,

the roles and the dynamics.

And seriously, the situation is really similar to mine

and my ex's.

Our donor, Will, he was her bestie.

And then he just got super involved.

And I honestly think that's why Margot and I, we split up.

Johnny... Johnny's not like that, though.

He's like, super chill.

He's a very, very... He's dealing with it all.

Oh, dude, come on.

Becoming a parent changes you, yeah.

All that brain chemistry and stuff, you know.

Do you know what?

Will thought that he was a better parent than me.

And then Margot and him, they took me to court.

They took me to fucking court.

Well, of course I couldn't afford it.

I couldn't afford to fight it.

And so I didn't see Leo for about three months,

and then, um, just...

- It's shit even now. - I'm so sorry...

But, you know, like, different situations, you know,

like, Johnny, we've been very clear with Johnny that he's not the dad.

Yeah, we have, but this is what happens.

Yeah, I know, and like, for sure we'll, like,

make it legal and watertight.

Yeah, yeah, I look, I can give you my lawyer's number.

Diane. Fucking great.

If it wasn't for her, I would have nothing.

Actually, yeah, because we do have a parenting agreement.

But I would love to talk to her to make sure

that we're actually on the right track with it.

I think it has to be clear, you know, it's you and me

and the boys -

and Johnny is separate to that.

Clean and clear is good.

Um, do if you want to get out of here?

I just put my retainer in.

Oh, good. Just, uh, just take it out and we'll go.

Hang on. Sorry. What's. What's happening?

I just feel like getting out and bit of your me time.

Oh, keys.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, I mean, um.

God, I'm always up for an adventure.

Okay.

Ooh.

They're asleep.

Me?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, yes, you.

No.

Come on. Yes, you.

Oh, Steph.

Oh, babe babe, babe babe, babe, babe, babe.

- Yeah? - Hey, Steph, come.

- Yeah. - Come back here. Come back.

Yeah.

Sorry. Are you okay?

- Yeah. I'm just... - Yeah.

I just don't...

I don't feel great in my body just yet.

That's fine.

Hey. That's okay.

There's nothing to apologise about.

It's just... It felt so good.

Oh.

There'll be time.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You feel good?

It was fun to try.

We tried.

Maybe we could just do some kissing.

Yeah.

I think kissing is still gonna be good.

Cause I like kissing you.

- Right on cue. - Yeah.

I'll go, my love.

Bye, hot.

What?

Boats are crazy.

So crazy, you just jump on a boat and just sail.

Just sail to anywhere.

Australia, Papua New Guinea.

Yeah.

Like, Fiji.

That way is probably Fiji.

Yes.

We should just go.

We should just get out of here.

What, like overseas?

Yeah, yeah. We'll go to Europe.

We go to Europe.

We'll go wherever, you know.

Yes.

We sell our stuff. We buy a one-way ticket.

You, me, and we just go, yeah.

We go, we we we see everything.

I want to swim there right now.

- What? - I want to swim to Paris.

Johnny!

I'm swimming to Paris.

Johnny!

What the heck?

No wait! Wait for me!

Wait for me! Wait for me!

Woo woo!

We're going! We're going!

Woo woo!

Woo!

Johnny?

- What are you doing? - Woo!

Woo woo!

Woo!

Are you okay?

It's cold.

Come on.

I love you.

You never sit back.

Who's that?

Do you think any of Eddie's stories were true?

Is it actually possible to communicate

with someone by writing in the dirt?

Yeah.

And I want you to know

You are the only one.

Yeah. I want you to know.

You are the only one.

And I love you so.