Original subtitles

Just thought I'd let you know

there's some more dirty writing on the back wall.

Paul, do you think I'm attractive?

You, uh... want to do this now?

Forget it, stupid question.

Well, I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth,

a couple of bottles of rosé and a travelodge, anything could happen.

- Sorry? - You're asking me if I would.

- Would what? - You know.

Paul, that is not what I'm asking.

So you want me to clean this graffiti up?

Only it's rather detailed about someone called Donna

and the lengths she'd go to for 50 pence.

- Oh, I don't believe it. - Neither do I, not for 50 p.

Paul, get everyone in the learning room now.

- We're being inspected. - Righto.

And, just to be clear, I would.

Honestly.

I swear this one fills up quicker than this one.

- Karl, have a feel. - What? No.

Little Luke had breakfast, lunch and tea from this one yesterday

and it's still massive.

Here. Which one feels heavier to you?

The left one.

That's what I thought, I reckon it's at least a pint Fuller.

Okay, I'm sure you're all buzzing with questions

so let me tell you what I know.

At some point today, the centre will be

inspected by someone working "incognito."

That means they'll be undercover, like a mystery shopper

a "mystery jobseeker," a "secret jobseeker," a "secret seeker."

We understand what you mean, love.

Good, because I need you all to be by the book today.

I'm going to scratch round for some intel

see if I can get a positive ID on this bloke.

I'm sure there's more than one secret seeker in the area,

- but, yes, thank you, George. - He'll fit a brief, though.

He's not going to look like our usual crowd.

Yes, good point, keep an eye out for people

who don't look like they belong here, people who don't look unemployed.

What?

You know, just normal people.

What do normal people look like?

All right, not normal people,

but people... people who are good-looking.

Good-looking people are never unemployed, that's just a fact.

And these secret seekers, they always want to use the hearing-loop.

Janette's right, be ready for that hearing loop.

I've also had a tip-off from pat at the tipton branch.

Apparently, the new thing is they'll ask for a gl24 form.

Which is... Karl?

An appeals form.

Yes! Well done, at least someone's on the ball.

Angela, I'm recently unemployed

with savings of less than 2000 pounds, what can I claim?

- Have you got an appointment? - Well, no...

You have to have an appointment if you want to speak to me.

Okay. There is an incentive:

I'll cook a special supper at my flat...

For any staff member that gets positive feedback.

How about that, hey? Now you're listening.

Good. I need you all to bring your a game today.

Grab it by the horns and really pull it off, yeah?

Super. Okay, well done, guys. Thank you.

You were four days late signing on because you were looking for work?

- Yeah. - Not... because you were on holiday?

I went to Spain to get a job.

You couldn't just have stayed here and got a job?

No, obviously, because the job I want you can only get in Spain.

Oh, okay, what's that?

I want to be one of them people who fights cows.

- A matador? - Yeah.

So if I found you a job as a matador you'd take it?

Not now, I've turned vegetarian.

Ah, of course you have.

Everything all right? Everything going "by the book"?

Because you have missed your allocated signing-on time, ms west,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to refer this matter to a decision maker.

You have to lend me some money then.

I'm not lending you any money.

All right, give me some money then. I can't get home.

Tell you what, you can have some stamps.

They're legal tender, you can use them on buses.

I was going to get a cab.

Hiya, I've got an appointment...

I'm doing my desk physio.

- I'll be with you in a moment. - Okay.

I've got carpal tunnel syndrome from constant typing.

What's that for?

Personal reasons.

I've not looked for work this week

which I know is what you like me to do, but I've not been right.

I feel like I've been hit by a bus,

which I haven't.

Well, not since I was little.

No, you don't look like yourself, Graham.

Who do I look like?

No, I just meant you don't look very well.

You feeling rough, Graham? I'll get you some paracetamol.

Everything all right? Anything happen? Anyone ask for a gl24?

No. Not a sniff.

Has the great barr branch been inspected yet? Because we need

- to get above them in the league table. - I haven't heard.

They're so smug with their mezzanine level.

You know they've had one of them disabled lifts put in.

They haven't? The show-offs.

Oh, I hope the place burns to the ground.

Janette, look at that man, your four o'clock.

My ten o'clock.

By the job-points.

Well, don't look! Just... glance.

What do you think? He's ironed those jeans.

Could it be him? Do you think it's him? I think it's him. It's him.

Let me get that for you, sir.

- Sorry? - Oh, "financial controller," super.

Sorry? What was that? I'm afraid I'm a little hard of hearing.

Oh, are you? Well, in that case would you like to use our hearing-loop?

Which is of course fully functioning and regularly tested.

That would be great, thanks.

That's fine, it's fine, we offer it to anyone who's... deaf.

No point giving it to someone whose ears work.

No.

- What time was your appointment? - Twelve.

Okay, well, anything else I'm more than happy to help

and I do mean anything.

I mean jobs. Work jobs, not, you know...

Although we're all human. Are you married?

- Yes. - Great! Lucky lady.

- Got him! - Are you sure?

He wants the hearing-loop. His appointment's at 12.

- Who's he booked in with? - Danielle.

No, I need him with my best.

- Shall I change him to Karl? - Mm-hmm.

So how do you want to play this? You be good cop I'll be bad cop, yeah?

No, I'm bad cop.

- I'll pace up and down, build tension. - Then if they give you any grief

slam your hands on the desk and throw an old mug at the wall.

This isn't a game, Karl. We're talking about thousands of pounds

worth of benefit fraud.

- Ah, there you are. - Trish, I've booked this room.

It's not the room I want. Karl, why aren't you at your desk?

The briscoes are coming in, big time benefit cheats.

The mystery shopper's here, postpone it.

No, I've been trailing these two for six months. I need my back-up.

- Well, how long will you be? - As long as it takes to nail them.

You can't put a timer on justice.

About half an hour.

All right, fine. You've got 'till twelve. Honestly.

So if I'm good cop, shall I just be chatty?

Yes. Then I'll hit them with the cold, hard facts.

Mr briscoe, you say that you suffer from chronic back condition

but how do you explain this?

Gotcha! Eight quid for one print.

That's the true cost of retribution.

Looks like he could do some damage.

Yeah, that's why you're here: In case things get a bit tasty.

Oh, cool.

Danger's my middle name.

I thought it was Duncan.

- Yeah, it is. - Relax, Karl, I'm only joking.

It's called banter, get used to it.

Here's your es40 logbook, do not loan, lose, damage or deface.

- I'll see you in two weeks. - Unless I get a job.

I'll see you in two weeks.

How was that? Good?

Is there anything else we can help you with today?

Actually, I did see a vacancy I was interested in.

Great! Angela will be delighted to help you.

Let's get you that hearing loop. I won't be two ticks.

Problem is it's postal applications only,

and I haven't got any copies of my cv left

but have got it on my little stick thing, could you print it off for me?

That's not going to happen.

It's only a couple of pages.

How do I know you're not a cyber terrorist?

Sorry?

Well, it could be your cv on that memory stick

or it could be a deadly trojan horse.

So what am I meant to do?

You must know someone with a printer.

No, I don't.

I see.

Well, is there anything else I can help you with today?

Today's one of his good days,

but when he's bad you can't get him out of bed.

That must be difficult for you, Eddie.

Do you mind if I call you Eddie, Eddie?

Yes.

Your witness, Karl.

Mm, what?

I just wanted to ask mr Eddie briscoe, mr Eddie briscoe...

Um, I've just had a smashing weekend

at drayton manor park and zoo.

You ever been?

What kind of question's that?

Just a chatty question.

You know you can drown a man with a glass of water?

Of course we haven't been to drayton bloody manor

he's rarely out of bed.

If that's true, how do you explain this?

- Hmm? - George, that's you.

That's just a test shot. What about this?

Karl, how do you think mr briscoe can play golf

if he's in such constant pain?

Gently?

Hang on a minute, who the hell is that woman?

- No one. - Why are your arms round her then?

Because she's my chiropractor, isn't she?

You know, she's been helping me with my back.

There's nothing wrong with your back!

I rest my case.

The thing about the great barr branch is there's no pride.

They never disinfect the job points.

Can you imagine all them people's fingers?

One chap went to look for a job and came out with sickle cell.

- Can you hear me? - That's loud and clear.

Lovely. Somebody will be with you in a minute.

He's not deaf.

Give us an hand with Graham, I can't wake him up.

Come on, Graham. Graham?

What you doing?

Checking his breathing. Seen it on holby.

You don't do it like that. Come here, I've done a first aid course.

Put your fingers next to his Adam's apple, see if you can feel a pulse.

Can you?

No... but he's got really thick skin, like a rhino.

Shall I call a vet?

It's not funny, Paul.

I think he's dead.

And there she is again.

Can we please get back to the benefit fraud?

Go to the next one.

Jane, you're imagining things, there's nothing going on.

Why is she in every picture then?

She's not in every picture. She's not in this one!

Yes she is, at the back by the bar. Look.

Oh, yeah, good spot.

Sorry to interrupt. Karl, I need you, now.

Yep, absolutely, no problem.

- The mystery jobseeker's at your desk. - Oh, you're joking?

No pressure...

But the future of this job centre rests on your shoulders, Karl, okay?

Come on, we're going home.

You think I'm letting you back in our house after you've cheated on me?

Your husband cheated on you?

My husband cheated on me.

Poor Graham. I've never seen a dead body before.

Shall we call an ambulance?

We don't want the paramedics in, Danielle,

not when we're being inspected.

He's died on my watch, hasn't he? I'd lose my job.

I'm the one who'd lose my job, I gave him the paracetamol.

- They can't sack you for that. - What, murder? They can.

It's not murder, Danielle...

- Manslaughter, maybe. - God, Paul, I can't go to jail.

Not with these bad boys. We'll just have to leave him there.

He'll look like he's waiting for an appointment.

Four hours waiting for an appointment?

Yeah, that's about right.

Oh, thank goodness you're back.

I've been trying to keep him happy all morning.

Between you and me, he's a right miserable git.

I can hear you.

Hi, hi. Welcome, I'm Karl.

Sorry about the sweaty hands, I've just been with a big man.

Not like that.

You try and be a good wife.

I know, I know. When Chris left me, I couldn't help wondering:

Could I have done more?

- I can't believe he's lied to me... - Of course you can't.

When Chris left me, it was the biggest shock of my life.

I just feel embarrassed. Stupid!

No. No. I will not have you talk like that.

When Chris left me, I felt like a fool.

But you have to keep telling yourself... It's not your fault.

- I know... - It's not your fault.

- I don't think... - It's not your fault.

It's his fault.

Women, hey?

You, in, now.

I've brought in my own computer.

You don't need to download anything or open any attachments

there's no chance of you getting any viruses.

So can I please borrow your printer?

If you must.

- Hold on. - What now?

- Is it pat tested? - What? I don't know.

Well, has it got a sticker on it saying it's been portable appliance tested?

- No. - Well, then you can't plug it in here.

But...

You could blow the place sky high.

I use it every day.

Electricity at work regulations 1989.

If you plug it in, I will be forced to call the police.

You got to believe me, bab. I'm not a dishonest bloke.

You must be joking. You don't throw shapes like that with osteo-spondylosis.

- I just want to know why, Eddie. - Yes, why?

Why would you say you love someone

and then break their heart in two like a dry twig?

- I didn't mean to... - Do you know what it's like

to have everything you've ever loved shattered in front of your eyes

- like another dry twig. - Honestly, Trish...

To lose all self-respect.

To find yourself wandering the streets of kidderminster at 3 A.M.

In your best nightie with absolutely no idea of how you got there?

Do you? Do you?

No.

Trish, I have only got the room booked for ten more minutes?

What's more important? Benefit fraud or a broken heart?

- Benefit... - A broken heart.

You're in a fraud interview, Trish...

- Must be kidding me. - Don't do this, Eddie.

What is this amateur hour?

Why is no one taking this seriously?

Jane, you look wonderful every night, and in the daytime.

- Go. Go on. - What?

Quickly, before I change my mind.

Go and... go and love the heck out of each other.

- Thank you. - Come on, Eddie.

Am I going mad?

We've done a wonderful thing.

They just cheated the system out of 30,000 pounds.

What would your mystery jobseeker say about that?

Really? I didn't think it was that much.

That's major fraud! Go and get them now, George, quickly run!

- Hey, George? - Not now, janette, I'm on a foot chase.

Nice meeting you. Sorry again about the wait.

No problem, you've been really helpful.

Hey. It's what we do.

Thank you so much for popping in, I do hope we've been of service.

Thanks, Karl.

- You all right? - All I want to do is print off my cv.

- I'll help you with that. - Oh, thank you.

And they say good-looking people are never unemployed.

Do they?

Some people do. Idiots.

Because you're unemployed and you're definitely good-looking.

Thanks.

If you don't get this job, you could try modelling.

You've definitely got the right, um... face.

- Anything else I can help you with? - Uh, yes, actually.

I've got a friend who needs to make an appeal

and she asked me to get a... gl24 form?

Would you excuse me?

Just a little clue? Anything? Give us a sign.

Good, bad, somewhere in the middle?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Trish, I don't think he's the mystery jobseeker.

- That's what I've been trying to say. - It's her. She asked for a gl24.

A woman?

I'll take that, thank you.

No, that bit's mine.

Fine, have it!

Hello, madam, can I have a quick word?

Was everything satisfactory to your requirements today?

Ten more minutes, we get him out.

I'll call my mate with the trailer.

His gone again.

Are you feeling better, chick?

Oh, janette, I'm afraid I've got a bit of bad news.

You remember when rocky the budgie died, and you replaced him, you got rocky 2.

- He was never the same. - No, but...

Kept rubbing himself on the cuttlefish.

Thing is, the same thing's happened with Graham.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Not like that, janette, she means, he's... passed away.

What's he reading then, his obituary?

Graham... thought you were dead.

Must have nodded off.

Nothing.

I am a very heavy sleeper.

I must have been out for quite a while, it's gone dark.

Is that better?

I'll get you some tea.

You dunderheads!

So, job points: Seven out of ten, windows and posters seven out of ten

overall cleanliness eight out of ten...

Only eight?

Er, phone bank...

What about the advisor that dealt with her?

- Good. - How good? What did I get?

Um... nine, so, you know, not perfect.

That's exceptionally high, isn't it? What did I do well?

You carried out your workplace exercises.

And?

And you were "efficient, knowledgeable and

followed it procedure to the letter."

Oh, well done, Angela.

So we did do well? Did we beat great barr?

No. Unfortunately, another member of staff then broke the it policy

and attempted to flirt with the mystery jobseeker.

- Yeah, as a joke. - She's recommending you go

on a sexual boundaries in the workplace course.

Check out Casanova!

So overall we got below 75 percent

and we're now the lowest in the area, so thanks, guys.

You pillock!

Go on, everyone, off you go, please.

Let's go then. I need to eat before 7:30 or I get gas.

- I'm sorry? - You said you were cooking supper

for anyone praised in the report.

Yeah. Yes, so I did.

Come on. I'm starving.

Just so you know, I'm allergic to lactose, wheat, salt and starch.

Okay.

And I will not have any foreign meat in my mouth.

Right.

- Uh... shall I pop the radio on? - No.