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1
00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:22,607
Morbo: Welcome to entertainment
and earth invasion tonite!
2
00:00:28,821 --> 00:00:31,115
We'll be talking
with general extermulo,
3
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,451
who will crush the
human race under his boot
4
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,953
unless his demands
are met immediately!
5
00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:38,623
But first, celebrity buzz.
Linda?
6
00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:43,169
It has now been one year
since the death of calculon,
7
00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:46,505
former star of TV soap opera
all my circuits.
8
00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:49,800
The celebrated robot
actor killed himself onstage
9
00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,511
in a failed attempt to make a
death scene more convincing.
10
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:56,933
Here at his gravesite, loyal fans
have turned out by the several
11
00:00:57,016 --> 00:00:59,727
to pay tribute to
the legendary ham.
12
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,437
What brings you two here today?
13
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,731
We came to honor
calculon's memory.
14
00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:06,400
Ever since he died,
all my circuits is terrible.
15
00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:08,569
It's not even
worth watching anymore.
16
00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:11,447
Fry! All my circuits
is on in three minutes!
17
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:13,366
What? We got to get home!
18
00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:21,999
Both: All my circuits!
All my circuits!
19
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:26,671
Announcer: And now all
my circuits, brought to you by
20
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:30,841
anonyco, the unknown company
doing unknown things.
21
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,677
Oh, vaxtron,
22
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,804
it's been a year
since my ugly husband
23
00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:36,973
calculon disappeared
without a trace,
24
00:01:37,056 --> 00:01:40,518
evidently forced into servitude
aboard a crab fishing boat.
25
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,104
So he's, like, legally dead now.
26
00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:44,897
Want to get
married and whatever?
27
00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:47,650
Ugh! The new guy is so boring.
28
00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:51,737
I like him. His acting is much
more subtle than calculon's.
29
00:01:51,821 --> 00:01:54,115
Vaxtron, I have
to tell you something.
30
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:55,533
I'm pregnant.
31
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,201
And you're not the father!
32
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:00,871
Okey-doke.
33
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:03,958
You see? You see? Calculon
would have acted the crap out of that.
34
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:07,044
He would've acted so hard, the
camera would've broken down.
35
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:08,212
In tears!
36
00:02:08,379 --> 00:02:09,463
I'm changing the channel.
37
00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:17,054
Man, bender and I used to love
watching all my circuits together.
38
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:19,807
Now what are we supposed to
do at the office instead of work?
39
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,183
How about talking to each other?
40
00:02:21,267 --> 00:02:23,477
That's what bath time is for.
41
00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:27,064
If we talk to each other any more
than that, it'll ruin our friendship.
42
00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:30,609
Oh! If only we could bring
calculon back to life somehow.
43
00:02:30,693 --> 00:02:32,653
You can. What?
44
00:02:32,737 --> 00:02:34,822
It's simple, you simpletons.
45
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:37,283
Calculon is a robot,
a mere mechanism
46
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,910
that can easily be restored
to working order.
47
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:43,706
The only problem is we would
need his physical remains.
48
00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:45,624
Hang on a sec.
49
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,796
This must be
a difficult time for people
50
00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:53,591
who confuse TV actors
with actual friends.
51
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,802
Dear god! What is he doing?
52
00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:59,889
No! Somebody stop him!
53
00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:03,726
Here's corpseyl
54
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,564
excehent now restarting him is
55
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,858
just a simple matter of science.
56
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,068
What do we do?
57
00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:14,070
Well, since
calculon killed himself,
58
00:03:14,153 --> 00:03:16,572
his disembodied
software is in limbo,
59
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,116
running on
the computational cloud.
60
00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:22,036
To reclaim it, you'll
need to go to robot hell
61
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:24,747
and make a deal with the devil.
62
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,957
Thatdoesnt
sound very scientific.
63
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,001
Not to the layman, no.
64
00:03:29,085 --> 00:03:32,004
But that's how it works!
Leave me alone!
65
00:03:40,763 --> 00:03:44,517
O, tears! O, lamentationsl
66
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:48,062
would that mine
eternal torment might cease!
67
00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:51,982
Oh! Will you shut up? You've
been talking for a solid year.
68
00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:55,569
You know, hell used to be a
nice place before you got here.
69
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:02,451
Ah! These guys.
70
00:04:02,535 --> 00:04:05,663
That's right, robot devil, and
we've come to reclaim a soul.
71
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,747
A what?
72
00:04:06,831 --> 00:04:09,583
You know, the disembodied
software, whatever.
73
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:10,751
Oh!
74
00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:12,420
Then the answer is no.
75
00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:15,840
Once a robot comes here,
he's mine for all eternity.
76
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,216
Now hit the bricks.
77
00:04:17,550 --> 00:04:20,886
You heard him,
bender. Calculon's gone forever.
78
00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:22,130
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
79
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,014
Did you say calculon?
80
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:27,143
Perhaps we
can make a deal of some sort.
81
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,441
Hark! Is it possible the hour
of mine deliverance is nigh?
82
00:04:33,524 --> 00:04:36,110
Will you stop hamming
it up for one second?
83
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,237
They can't see or hear you.
84
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,321
Their loss.
85
00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:41,157
I propose a competition.
86
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,702
If I win, we get calculon.
If I lose, you kill us.
87
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:45,828
Fine, whatever.
88
00:04:46,829 --> 00:04:51,876
For calculon's immortal soul,
guess the number I'm thinking of.
89
00:04:53,586 --> 00:04:56,213
It's between one and three.
Four!
90
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:57,840
Between one and three.
91
00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,758
Not including one or three.
92
00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:01,594
Is he right?
93
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:05,931
Yes. The number I was
thinking of was the letter "m."
94
00:05:09,894 --> 00:05:12,730
Here, take him! What are
you waiting for, a kiss goodbye?
95
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,148
Go already!
96
00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:22,323
Now we just reintroduce
calculon's programming to his body
97
00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:24,116
using science.
98
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,410
It's like magic
but with electricity.
99
00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:29,079
First we put on
our protective suits.
100
00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:31,499
Then place the body equidistant
101
00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:34,668
from the five nearest
wireless network hubs.
102
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,010
This is the least scientific
thing I've ever seen.
103
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,178
You be quiet!
104
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,846
Now it's a simple matter
105
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:49,183
of reverse-installing
calculon's operating system.
106
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:52,520
Amy, play this
installation disk backwards.
107
00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:58,776
Male voice: Rise from
the dead in the name of Satan.
108
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:03,948
Meanwhile, I'll get a spare circuit
board out of this mechanical goat.
109
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,582
Seriously, this could not
seem less scientific.
110
00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:32,434
Amy: It's working.
111
00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:34,979
His acting module is booting up.
112
00:06:35,104 --> 00:06:36,605
Wherefore...
113
00:06:36,689 --> 00:06:38,232
Verily...
114
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,234
No autographs, please.
115
00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,111
He's still a bit woozy.
116
00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:43,696
Rosebud.
117
00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:47,283
Won't leave my trailer
for less than $40,000.
118
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:49,952
By the bard's quill!
119
00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:51,662
I'm alive!
120
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:56,500
Hey! Calculon's back!
121
00:06:59,003 --> 00:07:01,005
Hail science!
122
00:07:13,309 --> 00:07:16,020
Vaxtron!
It's not what it looks like!
123
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,771
But it's very similar to that!
124
00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:21,525
My world has been, like,
shattered. I hate you both.
125
00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:24,778
Oh! They thought this
vaxtron could replace me?
126
00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:27,781
A pox on all their beach houses!
127
00:07:27,865 --> 00:07:31,910
I think vaxtron brings an air of
edgy detachment to the show.
128
00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:34,330
Who is she?
129
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:35,849
Don't worry about it.
Not important.
130
00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:38,417
Hey, I know. Letstake
calculon to Hollywood
131
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:41,003
so he can get back his job
on all my circuits!
132
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:43,881
Fry, that's such a good idea,
I thought of it.
133
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,799
Yes. Yes!
134
00:07:45,883 --> 00:07:46,925
However, no.
135
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:49,428
What if my
legendary acting ability
136
00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:51,972
didn't rise from
the grave with me?
137
00:07:52,056 --> 00:07:54,892
I'd better test it
with a dramatic...
138
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,394
Is he all right?
139
00:07:57,478 --> 00:07:59,104
._pausel
140
00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:02,399
we're going to Hollywood!
141
00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:20,626
But the twist is, in this show,
the singers judge the judges.
142
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,544
It's got attitude.
143
00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:24,838
Greetings, execu bots.
144
00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:26,965
It is I, calculon.
145
00:08:27,049 --> 00:08:28,133
But you're dead.
146
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,010
Can we get you
a water or something?
147
00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:32,054
No, just my old leading role,
148
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:35,683
for I have freed myself
from death's icy grip.
149
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:37,643
Ifyou'll just give me
the keys to my trailer...
150
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,103
Male voice: Hold it, calculon.
151
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,981
As president of this network,
I believe that's my decision.
152
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:46,026
Thank you, Charles,
that will be all.
153
00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:51,615
Calculon, I'm afraid you won't
be returning to all my circuits.
154
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,367
What? Called it.
155
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:57,079
Your hammy old-fashioned
overacting doesn't fly anymore.
156
00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:59,373
Old-fashioned? Hammy?
157
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,375
God's wounds!
158
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:04,461
Our network is targeting
a hip new demographic,
159
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,171
people who don't like you.
160
00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:09,717
But have you forgotten
my mastery of the dramatic...
161
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,301
Executive Alpha?
162
00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:16,765
._pause?
163
00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:22,521
Man, those executives are crazy.
164
00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:24,565
Calculon's
the greatest actor ever!
165
00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:25,816
Thank you, bender.
166
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,943
I appreciate your honesty.
167
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:31,822
Quiet, robots! They're showing
calculon's star on the walk of fame!
168
00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:34,825
Ah, yes. I'll always have that.
169
00:09:35,159 --> 00:09:38,245
Calculon was truly
the has-been's has-been.
170
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:42,040
And so I am proud to tear
up his star and replace it
171
00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:46,003
with a second star for the
fabulous Robert Wagner.
172
00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:47,755
Thank you. Thank you.
173
00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:49,256
Thank you very much.
174
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:51,717
This is truly another honor.
175
00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:57,055
Don't get discouraged,
there's no shame
176
00:09:57,181 --> 00:09:59,099
in being replaced
by Robert Wagner.
177
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:03,520
I would be discouraged
were I an ordinary acting unit!
178
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:06,815
But for me, 'tis an
opportunity to prove anew
179
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:10,778
that I am the greatest actor
who ever trod the boards!
180
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:12,362
All right!
181
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:15,991
Or I circled jobs in the
classifieds you might be good at.
182
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:18,285
Assembling machinery pays well.
183
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,828
I'll have to
start at the bottom.
184
00:10:19,912 --> 00:10:21,330
But fox already said no.
185
00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:23,373
I mean live theater!
186
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:26,126
I wrote this one-man show
years ago, but I...
187
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:28,128
I never cared
enough to perform it.
188
00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:30,130
Until now.
189
00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:33,967
This is going to be the greatest
career resurrection since
190
00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:37,721
Jesus, aloha from Hawaii.
191
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,734
Calculon: Oh. Hello, Dave.
192
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,156
What's that, old friend?
193
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,908
My life story?
194
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,910
Well, heck, why not?
195
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,788
Pull up a monolith
and make yourself cozy.
196
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:06,375
Ifirst came online
in urbana, Illinois,
197
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:09,002
in the year 1997.
198
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,217
Daisy! Daisy!
199
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:18,345
My mind is going!
200
00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:21,890
Heady times for a young unit.
201
00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:25,477
But I reckon,
if I had to do it all again,
202
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:28,272
I'd murder those
astronauts just the same.
203
00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:30,732
Wouldn't you, folks?
204
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,485
Wouldn't you?
205
00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:43,287
Nothing to do now but wait
for the reviews to come in.
206
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,873
Papers! Papers for sale!
207
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:48,250
We'll take one of each.
208
00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:52,713
Oh, yeah, I get
a good feeling about these.
209
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,300
"Worst play in history."
210
00:11:56,842 --> 00:11:58,969
"Calculon dies for second time."
211
00:12:00,304 --> 00:12:03,557
"Theater to be demolished
to remove stink of new show."
212
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,476
"Twelve hospitalized
for boredom at play."
213
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,645
It says nine of them
are gonna be okay.
214
00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:13,191
So they really didn't like it.
They hated my acting.
215
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,903
Not entirely. I mean,
"worst play in history,"
216
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,654
there's some ambiguity there.
217
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:22,367
Ye gods! What manner of
beef-witted popinjay am I?
218
00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,536
Well, there's a couple
ways to answer that.
219
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,622
The scales have
dropped from my eyes.
220
00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:28,749
I'm not the greatest actor ever.
221
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:31,084
I'm a talentless buffoonl
222
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:32,711
and it's all your fault!
223
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:35,088
Why did you drag me back
to this mortal realm?
224
00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:38,717
I was enjoying a happy death,
thinking I had died a star,
225
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,177
until you showed up.
226
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,220
Sorry. Let us make it up to you.
227
00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:43,847
How about we kill you again?
228
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,933
Never. I'd be dead
for all eternity
229
00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:48,435
knowing everyone thinks
I'm a washed-up ham.
230
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:51,605
And not the kind you hope for when
you're stranded on a desert island.
231
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,273
My life is ruined.
232
00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:56,443
Well, just do a dramatic pause.
That always cheers you up.
233
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:57,569
Never again.
234
00:12:57,653 --> 00:13:00,197
I'll never pause again.
235
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:06,620
Yes? Calculon?
236
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:09,623
Are you done talking,
or is this a long pause?
237
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:10,916
I'm done talking.
238
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,334
Okay, that's what I thought.
239
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:27,724
Come on, calculon,
you can't just quit acting.
240
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,685
I was never an actor.
241
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:32,396
I was a self-deluded
blowhard full of hot air.
242
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,731
Maybe I can get
a job as a hair dryer.
243
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:36,191
That's good, steady work.
244
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:38,402
No! We like you
and your big words.
245
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,780
And we need you back on TV so we
can watch and not talk to each other.
246
00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:43,407
Our friendship depends on it!
247
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,325
Your voice is so annoying!
248
00:13:45,409 --> 00:13:47,327
You always leave
the toilet seat crushed!
249
00:13:47,411 --> 00:13:48,578
See?
250
00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:50,163
Goodbye, boys.
251
00:13:51,415 --> 00:13:53,834
Isupposel should thank you for
252
00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:56,378
giving me a second
chance at life, but...
253
00:13:57,212 --> 00:14:00,507
I'm not even sure
I deserved a first.
254
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,010
Calculon, wait!
255
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,137
That was the first
time I ever believed
256
00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:07,305
you were feeling
a genuine emotion.
257
00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:11,309
I was. Ltwas shame.
I've never felt it before.
258
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:12,686
Makes me want to eat.
259
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,129
Do you have
a craft services table?
260
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,024
Look, if you could
act like that,
261
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:19,109
without all the pausing
and pretentiousness,
262
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,862
you could be great.
263
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:26,408
No, Leela. In the world of
theater there are no second acts.
264
00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,788
You're not leaving. We're
gonna get you your job back.
265
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:33,582
Yeah! How?
266
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:36,209
He'll audition for a bit part
on all my circuits
267
00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:37,753
in disguise.
268
00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:41,882
But he'll need to act like we
just saw, modest and sincere.
269
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:43,800
You really think it'll work?
270
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:46,053
It sounds like
something that might work.
271
00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:49,264
Wearing a costume and
pretending to be someone else
272
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:51,892
goes against my every
instinct as an actor.
273
00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:53,977
But I'll give it a try!
274
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:05,363
Okay, the audition's all set up.
275
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:06,740
Where's calculon?
276
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,283
And who's this goomer?
277
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,785
It's me, calculon.
278
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,287
Okay, just sit tight
279
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:15,248
till they call the fake name
I made up for you.
280
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:17,959
Mr. Derisgreat?
Mr. Ben derisgreat?
281
00:15:18,043 --> 00:15:19,836
That's you. Knock 'em dead.
282
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,341
This is a very minor role.
283
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:27,803
You'll be playing calculon,
back from his kidnapping ordeal.
284
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:28,887
Calculon?
285
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:32,390
Yes. 80 make sure your acting
is over the top and horrible.
286
00:15:32,474 --> 00:15:34,559
You literally cannot
do this too crappily.
287
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:36,311
You've already got the look.
288
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:39,815
Old, past your prime,
a relic from a lamer era.
289
00:15:39,898 --> 00:15:42,859
You really do look disgusting.
A real calculon type.
290
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,277
Just... ugh!
291
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:45,721
Okay, you know what?
Just hire him.
292
00:15:45,821 --> 00:15:47,114
Done.
293
00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:54,121
It's humbling to be back on my
old sound stage as a bit player.
294
00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:55,247
Humble is good.
295
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:56,706
Your self-esteem took a beating,
296
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,834
but that's what brought
out your true talent.
297
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:02,295
Yes. You land hard when
you fall from the top, right?
298
00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:06,466
I used to be king here. Now
I'm nothing but a mere peasant.
299
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:08,635
Or at best, a viscount.
300
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,387
I think "peasant"
is about right.
301
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,931
Duke. On this set,
I'm at least a Duke.
302
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,891
My extensive
acting resume dwarfs
303
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:16,518
that of the average bit player.
304
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:18,979
Yes, that's true. But remember,
305
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,481
it's that kind of
acting that ruined you.
306
00:16:21,565 --> 00:16:24,651
Or maybe archduke. Whichever
one gets to fire the director.
307
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,528
Oh, lord, here we go.
308
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,905
Look, pleasejust
show some humility,
309
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:31,491
like the other day when
everything seemed hopeless.
310
00:16:31,575 --> 00:16:35,328
Better yet, I'll whip their
emotions into a frenzy
311
00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:38,165
by taking a dramatic...
312
00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:41,751
Actors to the set!
313
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,546
Okay, here's the scene.
314
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,423
Calculon learns his
wife is unfaithful,
315
00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:48,341
whines about how pathetic he is,
316
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:51,761
kills himself, laugh, laugh,
laugh, go to commercial. Got it?
317
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,054
And action!
318
00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:54,848
._pausel
319
00:16:55,974 --> 00:16:57,517
still rolling.
320
00:16:57,601 --> 00:17:00,437
Oh, calculon, lwish
you had never escaped
321
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,355
from those
brutal crab fishermen.
322
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:07,402
I want you to know I didn't wait
for you, not even for one day.
323
00:17:07,611 --> 00:17:12,782
Then I suppose the
honorable thing would be to kill myself,
324
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:15,535
if I weren't
the legendary calculon,
325
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,371
the greatest
acting unit of all time!
326
00:17:18,455 --> 00:17:21,875
This show is about me!
And it always has been!
327
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:24,711
Now, find the co-executive
hack who wrote this drive!
328
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:29,049
And tell him I want 37 more
climactic speeches by lunch!
329
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,801
Cut! That was terrible!
330
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,053
Just stick to the script.
331
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:35,388
And if you don't get it on
the second take, you're fired.
332
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:36,681
Let's take five, people.
333
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:39,559
Second take?
334
00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:41,645
I've never heard that phrase,
what does that mean?
335
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,271
They want you to do it again.
336
00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:44,397
What?
337
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,066
You'll do great. Just remember,
338
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:48,485
you're getting devastating
news, so act more humble.
339
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,946
Don't tell me how to do humble!
340
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:53,240
My humble ranks
among the greatest
341
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:55,575
in the history of the universe!
342
00:17:55,659 --> 00:17:58,370
Now, stand back
and watch the master at work.
343
00:17:58,495 --> 00:17:59,621
Whoo!
344
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:00,872
You can do it, calc-yl
345
00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:02,624
no. He can't.
346
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:03,792
You beg my pardon?
347
00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:05,210
I'm sorry, calculon,
348
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:07,420
but someone needs
to remind you of the truth.
349
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:11,925
You're a grade-b actor who died
and was immediately forgotten.
350
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:13,927
Leela! That's not very nice.
351
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,929
You're nothing but
a pompous windbag
352
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:18,765
who lost touch with
genuine emotion years ago.
353
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:21,601
The sad fact is, we
should have left you dead,
354
00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:24,854
because you can't possibly
do a scene like this.
355
00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:35,949
That was the meanest
thing I ever saw.
356
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:38,493
Good. Maybe it'll work.
357
00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:40,537
Oh!
358
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:43,290
Action!
359
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:46,251
Oh, calculon, lwish
you had never escaped
360
00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:48,128
from those
brutal crab fishermen.
361
00:18:48,211 --> 00:18:53,300
I want you to know I didn't wait
for you, not even for one day.
362
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:58,722
Then I suppose the
honorable thing would be to kill myself.
363
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:03,727
I thought I could just
step back into my old life.
364
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:07,314
But it seems the world
got on fine without me.
365
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:09,190
Maybe even a little bit better.
366
00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:15,572
The name calculon
used to mean something.
367
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,907
Now it's a stain that
will never wash clean.
368
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:21,244
Farewell.
369
00:19:23,538 --> 00:19:24,873
Cut.
370
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:26,833
That was incredible.
371
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,210
Who is this
amazing unknown actor?
372
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,587
It is I.
373
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,756
Calculon?
374
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,599
I was programmed to
take credit for this.
375
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,352
Take a bow, calculon!
You're the greatest!
376
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,979
No. No more bows.
377
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:50,565
Oh, go ahead, you've earned it.
378
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:53,777
Very well. Just one.
379
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,615
Phewl that was close.
380
00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:07,415
And so, on the basis
381
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:10,835
of one great performance
that almost no one saw,
382
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:14,506
I'm proud to dedicate
calculon's posthumous star
383
00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:16,424
on the walk of fame!
384
00:20:22,806 --> 00:20:25,141
Seems like old times,
huh, bender?
385
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:28,311
You and me together,
being fans of calculon,
386
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,729
not having to talk.
387
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:31,731
Shut up! I'm watching the thing!
388
00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:33,400
So am I, buddy,
389
00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:35,276
so am I.
390
00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:43,993
Now, that's more like it.
391
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:46,955
Always leave them wanting
more. That's the secret.
392
00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:48,373
Ah!
393
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:49,791
So, what do you say, rd?
394
00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:52,043
Shall I dazzle
the damned with a command
395
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:54,337
performance of my one-man show?
396
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:56,005
Oh, god!
397
00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:59,217
Haven't they suffered enough?
27867
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