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Announcer: Futurama presents...
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Brought to you by
mutual of omicron.
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Insuring your world,
and its destruction.
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Tonight's planet, a primitive
backwater known only as...
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Narrator: Of all
the creatures on earth,
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none has a more thrilling life
cycle than the intrepid salmon.
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It all begins in a cold,
freshwater stream,
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where the salmon eggs incubate.
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I'm born, baby!
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The new hatchlings
are known as "fry."
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What's your name?
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I don't have a name.
I'm a salmon.
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After three years in the stream,
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the young salmon are ready for
the arduous journey to the ocean.
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00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:12,406
I do look forward to
cavorting in the spray.
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The trip will be dangerous.
Only three in 10 will survive.
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Let's all 10 of us go together.
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There's safety in numbers.
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I reckon my boy
will be right pleased
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when I regurgitate
that into his mouth.
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Looming ahead, nature's
waterfall, the cliff of the waters.
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It sure is relaxing getting
swept along by this current.
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Oh, my!
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00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,524
Oh, dear!
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00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,359
Oh, yes!
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This just in.
Three dead in foamy plunge.
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Still, six out of 10 alive. That's
considered good for our species!
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Five out of 10, also nice.
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Narrator: And so the salmon
reach the ocean, birthplace of all life.
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Except the salmon.
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Hello. Who are you?
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I'm a salmon.
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Really? Me, too!
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No way!
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So, hey, |dont
want to be too forward,
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00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:29,275
but I'd like to mate with you in a
few years when we're sexually mature.
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I'd like that.
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Oh!
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What have we here?
I'm a pisces. And you?
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Also pisces. We're all pisces.
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Then it's a date. I'll see
you at spawning time.
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No, thanks. I've
already found my mate.
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You haven't
ignored the last of me.
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Narrator: Having reached maturity,
it is time for the salmon to spawn.
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Thus begins their
1 ooo-mile journey
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back to the exact stream
in which they were born.
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So how do we find our way home?
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Nobody knows!
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00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:29,752
Experts are unsure whether
salmon navigate by memory,
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00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:34,465
sense of smell, or by detecting
variations in earth's magnetic field.
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Okay, everybody do
one of those three things.
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Well, this is it.
Home, stream home.
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No, it isn't! I was born
in the next stream up.
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You're from next
stream up? So am I!
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I can tell by the magnets
in my head, or whatever.
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00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:02,159
Let's go!
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00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:05,413
The urge to spawn
drives the salmon
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inexorably toward
the stream of its birth.
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Stupid body! Why won't you go
to that other stream?
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Nobody knows!
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I just told you!
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Goodbye! It was fun
maturing with you,
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but at this point
in my life cycle,
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I need a mate who's
within squirting distance.
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I'll never forget you, fish.
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00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:31,981
Come on, loxy lady, it's time
for us to get naughty by nature!
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Well, here goes something...
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Don't make it... don't make it!
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00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:02,553
Son of a fish!
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00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,644
Jumping is for suckers.
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I'm good!
Who wants a piece of me?
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I'll try a bite!
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Narrator: Having completed
its perilous journey,
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the exhausted salmon enters
the final phase of its life cycle.
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The female deposits her eggs
and the male fertilizes them.
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Okay, who's next?
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There's a lot more
where that came from!
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I can't see them anymore!
What if they're mating?
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Who cares? Just
release your milt already!
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Everybody's doing it!
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00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:53,145
No! I refuse to release anything
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unless it's in the vicinity of
the eggs of the fish I love!
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00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:05,658
Tell my offspring I
loved me very much...
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00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:15,084
Oh, yeah. Plop those roundies.
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00:06:25,469 --> 00:06:29,765
All right, step aside. Time
to let my bad boys loose.
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I am brrr,
devourer of fish and honey!
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I'm coming, darling!
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I shouldn't, but who's counting?
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Help! Fish police!
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00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,867
Two salmon for dinner?
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00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:52,162
What? It's spawning season!
It's a bear holiday!
92
00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:55,791
That is what you said when
you found those boy scouts!
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Next you'll be telling me
I can't crap in the woods!
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00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:00,212
That's it!
95
00:07:00,296 --> 00:07:03,173
We're hibernating in
separate caves this winter!
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00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:13,767
My love!
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00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:15,686
You made it!
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00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:20,024
You overcame salmon instinct
and left your home stream for me!
99
00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:23,777
So are you gonna
fertilize my eggs now?
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00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:26,030
Already taken care of.
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Well, we swam away
and then we came back.
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It's been an interesting life.
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And the best part is,
it had a happy ending.
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Narrator: And so the endless
circle of life comes to an end,
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meaningless and grim.
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Why did they live,
and why did they die?
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No reason.
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Narrator: The isolated
galapagos islands.
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A veritable pageant
of evolutionary science.
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Home to dozens of species
found nowhere else,
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such as Darwin's finches
and the marine iguana.
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00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:09,406
Also the blue-footed booby!
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00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:12,993
That's fairly interesting! Note
the blue coloration of the...
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Of all the creatures
in the galapagos,
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none is rarer or more tragic
than the pinta island tortoise.
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Only a single living specimen
is known to exist,
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lonesome Hubert.
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Sad news, everyone.
I'm lonesome.
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Hey, would it cheer you up if we
gave you a symbiotic parasite cleaning?
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00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:34,723
Would it? Would it? Would it?
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Fine, knock yourself out.
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The galapagos finches eat
parasites off the tortoise's skin,
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a mutually
beneficial arrangement.
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Except for the parasite!
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How's that, Hubert?
Feeling better?
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A good beaking usually cheers
me right up, but today it's no use.
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My species is as
good as extinct.
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00:08:56,412 --> 00:09:00,082
I haven't seen a female of
my kind in over 100 years!
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00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:03,085
There's got to be a lady
tortoise out there for you, Hubert.
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What about her?
131
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,799
Hey, good lookin', I've got
a lichen that needs a lickin'.
132
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:12,803
Are you crazy? She's a
slightly different subspecies!
133
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:15,973
See how her shell flares
imperceptibly at the neck?
134
00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:18,934
Talk about a cloaca shrinker.
135
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:20,978
Well, haven't you
ever met a girl tortoise
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00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:24,314
who had that whole "same
subspecies" thing going on?
137
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:28,736
Oh my, yes. When I was
a young tortoise of 50,
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00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:30,988
I met a hot young piece of shell
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00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:34,324
by a palo santo tree on
the far side of the island.
140
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,327
Let's go look for her!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
141
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:41,915
I've always wondered if
she's still there, waiting for me.
142
00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:44,334
But the trip is far too long.
143
00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:46,044
It's only 100 feet!
144
00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:50,591
At my age, it might as well
be 200 feet. I'd never make it!
145
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:53,093
Come on, you can
make it! You can do it!
146
00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:56,764
Well, let me think it over.
147
00:09:57,431 --> 00:10:00,017
Let's go already!
148
00:10:22,498 --> 00:10:23,624
Watch out!
149
00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:28,295
What brings yous to
this part of the isles?
150
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:29,880
He's gonna eat us!
151
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:31,548
Don't be such a Finch.
152
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:35,052
We galapagos tortoises
have no natural predators.
153
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,221
That's so fascinating!
154
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:57,616
I never thought I'd live
to see this tree again.
155
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Thank you for
staying with me, fry.
156
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:03,247
I'm not fry. I'm his
great-great-grandson, fry.
157
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,457
You are?
My beak is different, see?
158
00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:08,335
It evolved a slightly bigger
hook over the generations
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00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,671
to help me eat the cactus
on this part of the island.
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00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:11,880
Watch!
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00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,049
I'm stuck!
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Oops.
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00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,177
So where's your
lady tortoise, Hubert?
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Lady what?
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00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:20,931
Wait, there she is!
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00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,767
After all these years,
I've found her!
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00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:29,106
Oh, my darling!
You haven't aged a day!
168
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:30,983
Should we say something?
169
00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:32,943
Nah. Let him have his fun.
170
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:37,114
All right. Let's just do
what comes naturally.
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I'll get things started with
a little neck extension...
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00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,203
Then a couple of these...
173
00:11:44,705 --> 00:11:46,248
And here we go!
174
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:50,794
What the tropical
hell are you doing?
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00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:52,689
What?
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00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:57,634
I've been saving myself for 100
years, and this is how you repay me?
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00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:00,262
Who is that hard-shelled
skank? I'll kill her!
178
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:01,889
Wait, I can explain...
179
00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:03,223
Shut up!
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00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:07,269
I'm going to crack that hussy
open like a slutty Brazil nut!
181
00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:18,697
This volcanic archipelago isn't
big enough for the both of us.
182
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:25,287
Yeah, you'd better topple.
183
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:28,707
You always were
a hot-blooded latina.
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00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:32,377
Narrator: Like all reptiles, the
galapagos tortoise is cold-blooded.
185
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:36,006
Okay, neck, tap, tap,
186
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:40,886
climb, climb,
and we're back in business.
187
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:44,765
Should we be watching this?
It seems kind of personal.
188
00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:47,601
That's not an issue for us.
We're wildlife.
189
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:53,357
What about the moaning?
Is it okay to listen?
190
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:55,692
Sure, but act like
it's no big deal.
191
00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:58,028
Just pretend
you're eating seeds.
192
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:04,368
Is it weird if I talk about
his crazy turtle penis?
193
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:14,711
Well, okay then.
194
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,672
Yes, it's been lovely.
195
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,256
Hang on a second.
196
00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:27,224
Narrator: The galapagos tortoise
lays a clutch of between six and 15 eggs.
197
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,394
What do you want?
I'm 150 years old.
198
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,400
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
199
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:38,276
Aren't you going
to watch over your young?
200
00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:40,988
Tortoises don't do that, do we?
201
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,864
I sure as hell don't.
202
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:47,411
Anyway, I've done my part.
The species is saved!
203
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:55,085
And so, the survival of the
pinta island tortoise is assured.
204
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,184
Mama!
205
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:18,275
And so, the extinction of the
pinta island tortoise is assured.
206
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:22,612
Two hundred million years
of evolution, snuffed out.
207
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:27,284
For, in the end, nature is
horrific, and teaches us nothing.
208
00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:31,663
Coming up next, the hilarious
antics of the elephant seal,
209
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,957
the clown of the sea.
210
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:45,302
Narrator: Of all
the spectacles in nature,
211
00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:48,805
few can match the mating
ritual of the elephant seal.
212
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:53,143
Certainly not the salmon.
And the tortoise? Yeah, right.
213
00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:56,938
The huge, lumbering males
defend patches of beach
214
00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,192
to deny their rivals access
to the breeding grounds.
215
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:02,569
Just as in human society,
216
00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:06,907
only the biggest, most obnoxious
males have any chance of mating.
217
00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,743
Aw, yeah!
Survival of the fattest!
218
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:12,621
The dominant male,
or "beachmaster,"
219
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,540
maintains a harem
of up to 50 females.
220
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:20,003
Okay, harem, let's get to it.
Form an orderly heap on top of me.
221
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:24,257
I like mating with beachmaster
'cause he's the largest.
222
00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:27,677
While the beachmaster enjoys
the spoils of victory...
223
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:30,097
Whoo! I'm doin' it in my sleep!
224
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:33,558
The lesser males languish
at the edge of the colony,
225
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:36,645
unable to attract their own
harem due to age...
226
00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:38,647
Harem? I can barely see 'em!
227
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:40,482
Immaturity...
228
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,275
I'm scared.
229
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:43,985
Or other reasons.
230
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:48,824
Hmm. I don't know, does this
kelp scarf make me look fat enough?
231
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:54,955
It's so unfair. That bloated
Casanova gets all the ladies!
232
00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:58,166
Even that one with
the exquisite fat rolls.
233
00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:08,802
Back off, losers!
Stay away from my beaches!
234
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,470
You big bully!
235
00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:13,890
Bite my freshly molted,
blubber—filled ass.
236
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:15,809
You're just a giant lump of fat!
237
00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,644
Do you even have
an ass under there?
238
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:20,397
I'm 40% ass! Arf, arf!
239
00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:21,940
Now beat it!
240
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:27,654
Narrator: With no hope
of defeating the beachmaster,
241
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:31,491
some so-called "sneaky" males
adopt a risky strategy,
242
00:16:31,575 --> 00:16:33,535
attempting to mate
with one of his harem
243
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,620
while he is
asleep or distracted.
244
00:16:36,121 --> 00:16:39,374
So, any of you guys thinking of
being a sneaky male this season?
245
00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,377
This season?
246
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,504
Walrus don't need no chicanery.
247
00:16:44,588 --> 00:16:48,592
Once a lady goes walrus,
she never... she...
248
00:16:49,092 --> 00:16:51,052
No one ever goes walrus.
249
00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:56,016
I'm a little old for it now, but in
my prime, I was quite the sneaker.
250
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,100
How did you do it?
251
00:16:57,309 --> 00:17:01,188
Well, while the beachmaster
was off behind a whale carcass,
252
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,899
loudly fornicating
with my beloved mother,
253
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:09,112
I snuck past and surprised my
sweetie with a romantic meal.
254
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,989
A romantic meal?
255
00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:15,785
The search for food
takes the elephant seal
256
00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:18,455
to depths few other
mammals can reach.
257
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:27,923
In this pitch-black abyss, life
takes on bizarre and horrific forms.
258
00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:30,300
So, welcome to the abyss.
259
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,136
Road trip!
260
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,723
Kill all penguins...
261
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:39,851
Kill all penguins.
262
00:17:41,645 --> 00:17:45,482
What's the matter with you? You
just crushed seven of our babies!
263
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:47,651
Yeah, we can always make more.
264
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,070
Come on, floozies,
let's repopulate!
265
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:55,075
With the beachmaster occupied,
the sneaky male makes his move.
266
00:17:57,369 --> 00:18:02,457
I can't believe you came! The
beachmaster'll kill you if he finds out!
267
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:04,167
Also, who are you?
268
00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:08,255
I'm in love with you! And I
don't care what he thinks.
269
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:10,173
Here, I brought you something.
270
00:18:11,341 --> 00:18:13,635
Hurray! We're three
friends at the beach!
271
00:18:15,845 --> 00:18:18,181
Wait, what's happening, friend?
272
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:21,977
Narrator: The female conveys her
receptivity through subtle vocalizations.
273
00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:23,687
Wanna do it?
274
00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:25,814
So soon? Oh, well...
275
00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:33,405
Sneaky male, eh? I thought
I told you...
276
00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:34,864
Oh, my!
277
00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:37,677
Well, nice try.
Better luck next season.
278
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,369
You gave it a shot! Pathetic.
279
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:50,046
Sorry you didn't get to mate.
280
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,382
But, hey, we can still
play some beach games.
281
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,509
Who's up for some twister?
282
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:57,512
No! We beta males
deserve better.
283
00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,682
When we're in charge, we'll
treat females with respect,
284
00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:03,768
keeping sensible harems
of no more than five.
285
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:06,146
And it begins with me.
286
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:10,900
Sir, I challenge you to a
duel for control of the beach!
287
00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:22,912
Hang on...
288
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,503
Okay, let's fight.
289
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:36,426
That's it.
No more Mr. Nice-jerk.
290
00:19:44,559 --> 00:19:46,478
Narrator: The battle
will rage for hours,
291
00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:49,898
until both males
are exhausted or dead.
292
00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:04,746
Beachmaster, stop fighting!
293
00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:06,790
He's been dead since yesterday!
294
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:08,917
What? He's dead?
295
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:13,963
Whoo! I'm killin' dudes
in my sleep! Yo! Clean up!
296
00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:24,641
And so, with the threat to the
beachmaster's supremacy eliminated,
297
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,227
order is restored
for another year.
298
00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:32,816
Another year, another generation of
pups fathered by me, beachmaster.
299
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,695
I'm the greatest, baby!
300
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,823
You go, beachmaster!
301
00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:44,369
And so concludes our
exploration of planet earth.
302
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,414
For a holographic brain
injection of tonight's program,
303
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:51,501
send $5 to this station,
care of me, the narrator.
304
00:20:51,835 --> 00:20:52,877
Good night.
305
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:57,090
Announcer: Mutual of omicron.
Have you insured your planet?
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