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We're so happy to be
in this beautiful sanctuary

to celebrate the bat mitzvah
of the one and only Sevey.

You're not an adult right now.
We know that.

You're not paying the mortgage.
You're not-- you know,

you're not getting a job
and supporting yourself.
You, you're--

You're on the brink of it.

My darling Sevey,
what an honor and privilege

it is to be your mom,
and to stand here before you

today to witness you
become a bat mitzvah.

I'm very proud of you.

I can't believe
I have a daughter who is 13.

Open up the card.

"I love you more than unicorns!"

That's a lot of love.

People always say
how quickly the time goes

with our kids, but for us,
each day, month, year

has been a journey,
and not always an easy one.

The lessons I've learned
in the past year

while studying this Torah
portion and everything about it

is to stand up for what's right
and only look forward

because the past is in the past.

While Sevey appears so confident
and self-possessed in public,

getting to this day
has not been easy for her.

Because since she was a baby,
she's had an extremely
anxious existence.

Anxiety, like, hurts my bones.

I don't know how to, like, say
that, like, it hurts my bones,

and, like,
it feels like a little piece

of my heart rips off every time.

It's become almost a daily thing

in our house for Sevey to have

a colossal meltdown
where she lands on the ground,

can't catch her breath,
and can't move.

I start getting this, like,
gut feeling to just start

crying and start, like,
hysterically melting down, um--

It feels like a giant person is
just going like this to my head.

It just makes my body just,
like, stop everything
that it's doing

-and just...

...break down.

Sevey's anxiety has left me
feeling powerless as her mother,

and I know we're not alone.

The pressures our kids feel,
the complexities of the world,

and their ability to cope
with it has made anxiety

impact our kids on a level
we've never seen before.

So I set out to make
this film to understand
what our kids are going through.

- It gets very hard
to breathe...

...and my head's pounding,

and I can't exactly
think straight.

It became unbearable.

Every day,
I dreaded going to school.

This, like, storm

of just negativity.

Suddenly start
breathing really hard.

And you can't think straight,
and you start screaming

and getting angry for no reason.

Anxiety is like worrying
about your own shadow.

Anxiety in kids and teens
is a national crisis,

and it's time we talk about it.

The real joy,
as well as responsibility,

of parenthood begins the day

the mother and father bring
the baby home from the hospital.

Noah is our oldest child...

...and so as first-time parents,
we just assumed

that, you know, crying 23 out
of 24 hours a day was normal.

And I think it was actually
when he first went to school

that we probably noticed it
was as an issue.

We would drop him off.

They would assure us
that it was going to be fine.

Cut off. Come to order.

And then he would go

to the other side
of the building

outside for early recess,

and we would hear him screaming

as we walked away
from the building.

It was just awful.

The first real memory I have

of being very anxious
going to school,

I was clinging to the seat, um,

when my dad was trying
to pull me out of the car.

And, uh, it almost
became a sense of panic

when I was feeling anxious,

and I would all
of a sudden start

to feel a little bit sick...

...and then my mind
would start racing.

I would get really nervous

looking for a place to go,

maybe biting my nails
and think, "Okay,

I'm gonna throw up soon,
something bad is gonna happen,

and I won't be
able to handle it."

And he would call and say,
"My stomach hurts.

I think I'm going to throw up."

And it started
as one phone call,

and then it became four,
five, six phone calls.

And ending each day, uh,
with Noah, uh, was a process.

It would take up
to two or three hours

a night to put him to bed.

That was our routine.

And there was one night
I said to him,

"But why are you so
afraid to go to sleep?"

And he said, "Because tomorrow
I'm gonna wake up,

and it's gonna start
all over again."

We're at the children's museum.

Good girl!

Cooper, say hello.

Cooper, honey,
be careful of the big kids.

-Yay!

I wasn't really sure
what it was,

but when she was... four...

...and we were applying
to kindergarten,

she started to have
some motor tics.

She was doing a very aggressive
flinching of the arms.

-Mom, I can--
Like, it was like...
-No, no, no, you don't have

-to demonstrate. So, it--
-It was like,
I would go like this,

-like, constantly.
-And it was

really painful to watch.

We took her to the pediatrician

just to tell her
what was going on,

and the pediatrician said,

"Do you have any idea
how anxious your child is

about all this
kindergarten nonsense,

these interviews,
these playdates?"

And I said, "Oh, I don't,
I don't really think
she's anxious."

And he said, "Yeah,
I think she's really anxious."

Um, for me, I feel like
it's just kind of something

that can really come
in big, and it can last.

And sometimes,
it makes you think

about all the bad possibilities.

It's just, sometimes,
it feels like

you can't control it.

When I go to bed,
I have a lot of things

beside me, like ChapStick,

and hair ties,
and Vaseline, and tissues,

and... So that's just
where I keep all that.

And then I get in bed.

I make sure
my sheets are tucked.

That's just a way of comfort.

And then
I organize all my things

and organize my things,

and I put them,
like, in the middle.

Sometimes I just feel
really overwhelmed with it,

like, "Oh, my God, what--"

Like, sometimes, I'll just have
a minute, and I'll be like,

I need to get
that thought out of my brain.

When I first started
ha-- having anxiety,

it did start off
with the stuffed animals

and the bedtime routine.
I was having

an extremely
difficult time sleeping.

I couldn't stop
straightening things,

and closing things,

and making sure things
were exactly how I wanted them.

Some nights, I would just...
I would sit there,

and I'd say, "I can't stop.
I think I'm gonna die."

That was really when we knew
anxiety was something

that was definitely
a part of everything,

and probably
a part of the ticking

when she was, you know, four.

It's crazy to think
about being a kid

and having episodes,

like panic attack
level episodes.

Like, there was one instance
where I couldn't find

where my mom was in the house,

and there was a locked door
to my dad's studio,

and he wasn't home.

And at five or six,
I punched my hand through,

like, a full pane glass door
because I was so frantic

that she was on the other side
and, like, needed me and that...

...you know,
she needed help or something.

It was a, it was just a whole--
the way it escalated

was probably in 30 seconds.

And she had just been
on the phone upstairs.

I wanna go to sleep
because...

Well, Jonah, if you need
to take a nap, that's fine,

but, you know, j--
we gotta read the book.

-There's nothing we can do--
-I can't take a nap, though.

I can't do anything!

You said it's just
the one page is boring.

-It's-- you know--
-It is. It's so stupid!

If it happens, like,
I'll just kind of feel

maybe s-- a little bit sick.

For the most part,
I just want to scream,
and being really upset,

and you just kind
of start spiraling.

It's basically just when
I have a bunch of stuff, like,

I guess a bunch of information,

like, coming in at once...

...or like bunch of things that
people are telling me to do.

That's really what triggers me.

When he's actually
in the middle of anxiety issues,

it can be a little scary
sometimes, yeah,

is what I would describe it.
She says heartbreaking,

I say scary,
it's kind of the same thing.

Oh, my God.

The thought
that goes through my mind,

"What do I have to do?"

You know, I pray about it.
I think about it.

I'm like, "What can I do
to do this? What can I do?

What are--
what's the next solution?

What's the next strategy?

How can I help him?"

Because I can't foresee him
being like this his whole life.

It's just torture.

I just had all these feelings
in my, my gut,

all these gut problems

where I just was feeling sick
all the time.

And it was like,
I'm embarrassed to, to be

in class because
my stomach is rumbling

or I'm having to run
to the restroom.

So it became more embarrassment.

That was in elementary
school, you know, fifth grade,

around all these other kids
who seem to be so carefree...

...and who I didn't know,
maybe some of them

were dealing with some
of the similar things I was,

but no one was talking about it.

I didn't think anyone else
was having the same issues

that I was having...

...and I didn't want
to be judged.

I began going to the doctor,

just trying
to figure out, you know,

what it was
that I was dealing with.

They really didn't know
what to do for me,

and I tried everything,
everything under the sun.

And it was never a cure.

♪ Feel like a merry-go-round ♪

It was always
like going to the doctor

and the doctor saying, "Oh,

it's like a phase
she's going through."

But what happens is, like,
you can say it's a phase,

but I think with anxiety,

a huge factor of it
is how it changes.

You, you tend to find
new, new triggers.

You find things that...
Like, it goes through--

it does go through phases,
but it's not a phase.

Yeah.

I remember one day,
Noah coming home from school

and sitting on the bottom step,

and he said,
"No one understands me.

Um, what's wrong with me?
Why don't I feel normal?"

And that's
a terrible question to get

when you're tucking
your child in bed at night, say,

"Why, why aren't I normal?"

I travel around the country.

I have been talking
for a few years

about what's going on
with our kids, anxiety,

the issues
that we're dealing with, stress.

When I talk to parents,
I do a lot
of parenting workshops,

and conferences,
and that kind of stuff,

and I say to parents
at the beginning jokingly,

"Okay, so here's the deal.

If it's nature, it's you.
If it's nurture, it's you."

And then everybody sort
of laughs nervously, "Ha-ha."

But really, it's a combination.

There is a genetic component.

Temperament plays a part in it.

If you have several kids,
you may have one child,

you say, "Gosh,
he's so laid-back."

And then we've got other kids
with different temperaments,

more introverted,
more sensitive,

just generally more
fearful of the world.

So there is
that huge nature component.

What do we do with that,
is the nurture,

and if we have a kid
who we know is at risk

because of trauma,
because of their personality,

because of, uh, the way that
their family handles the world,

that's when we have
to step in and say,

"How do we nurture
through the nature?"

In the same way
that sometimes your kid

has a musical ear and sometimes
they have a gift for math,

sometimes they're going
to be more anxious

or more inattentive, um,
than the average child.

And, and basically, we're
talking about DNA roulette.

When you have children,
you get this whole set

of networks inside of you
of ancient, ancient history...

...as a mammal
and as a human being,

to protect that baby.

That's, like,
your number one thing.

"I'm gonna keep that baby safe."

So, of course, even in you,

it can create
incredible anxiety.

What am I supposed
to do so that my child

won't get depressed,
won't get anxious,

won't get into trouble,
won't experience trauma,

won't feel despair
in their life,

that they can have a good,
solid life,

they can be kind,
they can be caring,

they can be empathic,

and they can feel
good about who they are?

Our environment
plays such a strong role

as to those who go on
to develop anxiety disorders.

And so I kind
of like to think about it

as genetics being the gun

and the environment
being the trigger.

I believe
the parent-child relationship

is the most
profound relationship

because the child is bathed

and surrounded
by the parents' energy

more than anyone else.

And those early years
is when the child

is the most absorbent,
the most sponge-like.

So it's very important
for the parent to be

in a state of wholeness.

Nobody comes
into my office and says,

"You know, I really wanted
to make my kid a worrier

like, like I am."

But what we know
about kids that are anxious,

that are raised
in worried environments,

is that they perceive the world
as a more dangerous place.

Anxiety is generally
fueled by thoughts

about things
that haven't happened yet.

It's called
"catastrophic thinking."

Anxious parents talk a lot
about the dangers of the world.

They catastrophize.

So instead of saying,

"Hey, pay attention
when you ride your bike,"

they say, "Look,
there are people

on the way to school
that could steal you,

and you could get hit by a car,"

and they talk about all
the things that could happen.

Now, think about the way
that worry and anxiety work.

They're all about what-if-ing,

thinking about
what could happen,

and anxious parents
tend to do that

in front of their children,
not just about

what's going on
with their children,

-but in their own lives too.

Noah would go out
and want to ride his bike

in the driveway
without his helmet.

I would say things like,
"You can't go out
without your helmet.

You know what would happen?
You fall off your bike.

You crack your skull.

You know,
you'll have brain damage."

And then, you know, I would give
every worst-case scenario.

And I did that to my kids.

Anxiety, uh, depends
a, a lot on your upbringing.

There's a family feeling,
and this family feeling

is an heirloom
dating back generations

that's just transmitted
around the dinner table

that help people to shape
what it is that they'll feel.

Each one of us
comes with a legacy

from our childhoods,

and those early
childhood experiences

create imprints
within us, a script...

...a mental movie
we make of who we are,

how we relate with others,
and how the world is.

You know, how our parents
were around love,

around challenges,
around race, color, sexuality,

all of that has created
a script within us

that creates our life story

upon which we now
base our entire existence.

Unless we awaken
to these patterns,

unless we realize
how we are living a pattern,

we will unconsciously
project these patterns

onto our children.

I was always an anxious kid,

I think, even if my parents
or friends didn't realize it.

I was always worried
about something.

I was worried about money,
or worried about how I looked,

worried about friends,

worried about
what people thought.

I-- It was unsettling.

When I was a kid,
did you find me to be anxious?

Uh, I don't, I don't know that I
would have said it was anxious.

You had a little--
you had a lot of tics.

What sort of tics,
physical tics?

Physical tics.
Whatever you call them.

But your father did also,
so it didn't bother me.

I could see where people, um,

would literally be
thinking dark thoughts,

like, "This is
on the DNA of your family,

and then, you know,
you're to blame."

And-- But I, I, I, I don't think
we've gone down that path.

If you look at the closet,

every shirt has to be laying

on the hanger
facing the same way.

The hangers are virtually
the same distance apart,

and he's meticulous about it,

shoes in plastic containers.

I've never seen
ties hung so neatly,

almost color coordinated.

He is impeccably organized,

neat, and it's just
sort of the way

he is with all his stuff.

I'm certainly a neatnik,
fussy, uh, regimented.

It's just a, a, a way of,
I think, imposing order

on a chaotic world.

Um, and, and so I'm going to put
myself in the category of...

...definitely hyper-regimented,

but not, uh,

you know, to, to the point of...

Uh, what's the word
I'm searching for?

-Dysfunction?
-Yeah.

I knew there was
something off about me.

I was a very depressed teenager.

I knew that that wasn't normal.

And I was looking
for solutions for myself.

Yeah, I, I've had a lifelong
struggle with mental illness.

And Jonah, certainly,
has inherited

some of my brain chemistry.

He's gotta d-- deal
with his dad,

who has major anxiety
issues himself, so...

...it's a challenge
for the poor kid, you know?

Because I'm, I have problems
and I can't--

I try to remember back
to when I was a kid.

And when he is having a bad day,

I feel like
it was much more intense

than anything
I experienced at his age.

So if a parent hasn't coped

with their own
mental health concerns,

it makes it very difficult
for them to be able

to try and address
a child's concerns.

Kids are always
going to need you,

and when you don't
have the resources

to just be present
and to kind of manage

your own experiences
and your own thoughts,

it makes it incredibly difficult

to take care of somebody else.

I thought I would just show
you guys some of my,
um, pictures,

uh, from when I was growing up,
so I'll just turn the camera.

My mom, dad, and I.

I think with my anxiety,

it's a bit of a mixture
of nature and nurture.

It's hard to tell,
you know, the exact balance,

but I think given
that my mom and my grandmother,

and probably her mother
have all suffered from anxiety,

that there's definitely

a strong genetic
component to it.

But I think

the, uh, nurture part of it
is also a huge role.

This is my parents'
wedding photo.

I keep this in my scrapbook
'cause, I mean,

they're divorced now,
so I don't, I don't think

either one of them wanted
this picture anymore,

but I, I keep it.

Yeah, so my parents were,
you know,

were fighting a lot,
ended up getting a divorce.

I think it made me
grow up very quickly.

I kind of felt
like I was taking care

of my sister and making
sure she was okay.

I'm very protective over her.

I think my parents kind
of look to me to, you know--

it's like, "What does
your sister want to eat?"

You know, "How is she feeling?"
They look to me

to kind of give those updates,

and that can also be
really stressful.

You know, my mom
and my dad didn't know

how to deal with my anxiety.

They'd say, you know,
"It's all in your head.

It's fine."

And I think
that caused a lot of loneliness

because I was
feeling these things,

but I didn't have a name
to put on it at the time.

So I kind of-- I was like,
"Something's wrong with me,

but I don't know what it is,

and I don't know if I'll get
any help anytime soon."

On average,
depending on the diagnosis,

parents wait anywhere
from two to eight years

from the onset
of symptoms till they go

to a mental health professional.

The reason I find
that so chilling

is that we treat everything
else with more seriousness,

with, with more respect.

If someone gets a rash,
by the time I'm done speaking,

they've gone to the drugstore
to get some cortisone.

And if it's not gone
in two days,

within two weeks, they're
in a dermatologist's office.

And yet we do not give
the same concern

to our children's mental health.

It's also something
that you can't physically see.

It's like a broken bone,
there on display.

Everyone can see it.

Because it's something that
not everybody is experiencing,

it's very easy to chalk it up
to just kind of being weak.

There's been so much shame

around any sort
of mental "ill health"

that families have
typically suppressed it.

And that's why
I think in today's generation,

we're seeing it more clearly,
but it's always been there.

I've observed anxiety
in my parents, definitely.

It's not something that
everyone's really comfortable

talking about.

It's a different generation.

There's not as much willingness

to talk about that it's okay,

that we shouldn't
have it stigmatized,

so it's kind of
a little embarrassing.

It's also very difficult
for parents to identify...

...um, problems
within their child

if they're having
so much difficulty themselves.

I think that, potentially,
they may have blinders on.

I'm here in Cooper's room.

With Cooper's OCD,
she wants everything

to be really symmetrical,
which I totally get.

So when we're making her bed...

Um, and this is
kind of a new thing.

She didn't really care
too much about this,

um, but recently,
it's, it's a thing.

So I have to fold each side,
and she wants to know

that each side of the bed
is tucked in really tightly.

So I go to the other side,
and I do the same thing.

I talk a lot about anxiety
as the cult leader.

The cult leader

says, "These are the rules
we're gonna follow."

Families listen because they
just gotta get through the day.

So you gotta get to your job.

You want your kid
to sleep in his own bed.

You want them to go to school.

You don't want
the chaos that happens

when you disobey
the cult leader.

So you start listening
to the cult leader.

And the problem is,
is that the more you listen

to the cult leader,
the stronger this thing gets.

That's how cult leaders work.

So people become beholden,

and they will say,

"Oh, everything's going great."

So people will come to see me,
and I'll say,

"Well, what have you learned

about managing anxiety
in your family?"

"Well, as long as we,
fill in the blank."

Like, if I were
to leave the bed like this...

I don't know if you can see it,
but it's just uneven

and not tucked tightly enough,

she would not be happy,
so I have to take it down,

tuck it in,

and if it's not tucked
on both sides,

she really can't go to sleep,

and it just causes her,
um, some anxiety,

and it causes her to have to do

another fixing
of the bed before.

So I'm happy to do it,

and it only takes a few minutes.

As long as we put
the cult leader in charge,

as long as everybody
falls in line,

things will go great.

The problem is,
how do you pull that off?

Worlds get smaller.

I've had kids where the child

determines what restaurant

the family is allowed to eat at,

that the child determines

the parents have to go to bed

at the same time as the child,

nobody's allowed to be
in certain rooms of the house.

And they're not
doing it on purpose,

and they're not
trying to be controlling,

but the cult leader says,
"Listen to what I'm saying,

or there's going to be
a price to pay."

And they don't want
to pay the price,
understandably,

and it gets stronger
and stronger,

and you start avoiding more.

You start changing
your routines.

You start demanding
of other people

that they follow
your cult leader too.

And pretty soon the anxiety
is what is determining

what everybody does
and what everybody experiences.

And it happens fast.

There was a day
in particular when I went

to school with Noah to sit
in the classroom with Noah,

just to reassure him.

Just watched him,
occasionally would go over,

and kind of rub his neck,
and say, "Th-- It's okay."

And, um, all the while,
we were sort of building

on team worry, you know,
building on his anxiety.

Are you working
to create certainty

and to create comfort

in the absence
of skill building?

So an example of that may be,
so you've got a, a, a child

who's having
difficulty going into school.

So the school
and the parents work together,

and they come up with a plan

that everything
goes in a certain order.

The backfield
shifts to the right,

the right end takes
a defensive tackle in...

So everybody works
really hard to make sure

that everything goes as planned.

The anxiety disorder says,
"This is exactly what I need."

The more you do the disorder,
the stronger it gets.

The more that everybody
steps in to make sure

that anxiety gets what it wants,

the stronger this thing gets.

So I use
that phrase all the time,

"Are you doing the disorder?"

I remember feeling
better for that day,

but then I don't think
there was a long-term plan

in effect there
because he couldn't come
to school with me every day.

So I felt better for one day
and then went right back

to the same routine
the next one.

And then there are parents

who have
the tough love approach.

Basically, what
they're saying to me is that,

"We're working
for the cult leader,

and it's not working because
the problem's getting worse."

So they're not totally off base,

but the tough love approach
is simply based on a lack

of understanding and a lack
of, um, talking about skills.

They just don't know
what to do instead,

so they move far
in the other direction.

What happens with families
when you've got one

that believes in tough love
and one that's working

for the cult leader is
they stake out their territory,

and then they get farther
and farther apart.

The more-- The parent says,

"The more
that you do tough love,

the more I'm gonna
compensate over here."

"The more that you work
for the cult leader,

the more that I'm going
to resist that."

So we need to pull them together

so that we're talking
about skill building.

Okay, get off. We're gonna ride.

Excellent, Noah!

Anxiety doesn't have
a lot of tricks in its toolbox.

It does the same thing over,
and over, and over again.

It shows up, and it says...

"
What if?"

And you start imagining
bad things happening.

You start imagining
these bad things happening.

You are playing
a little movie in your head.

Your alarm system,
your amygdala,

your body responds
to this narrative

as if you are in danger.

It fires up the system
through your adrenal glands.

It gets your body going,
fills you

with all of the chemicals, the,
the, the, the norepinephrine,

the epinephrine,
that are designed

to get your body going
for fight or flight,

and sometimes freeze.

If in that moment, you say...

" What's going on?
Oh, my God,

it's happening again.
I've got to get out of here.

I've got to get rid
of these feelings.

I've got to get rid
of these thoughts.

I can't stand this."

You are doing the disorder.

What happens
if we begin to recognize it

when it shows up?

So a huge skill is being able

to step into the situation,

have that response,
and know what to do with it.

So we want to name it.
We want to normalize it.

We want to say, okay,
so worry is named Fred.

When Fred shows up,
this is what Fred says,

this is what Fred demands...

...and this is how
we're gonna respond to Fred.

How do we help them recognize

the thoughts, the emotions,
the sensations show up?

That's very empowering
because now we're talking

about how this thing works
rather than trying

to rearrange the world
in order to accommodate it.

When I was younger, I think
that I just didn't understand
that I could get through it.

It was just something
that was completely

just out of reach for me.

We felt that the message
we were sending was,

"We love you. We care for you.

We'll always be there for you."

When in fact, it was more,

"We don't think
you can handle this."

I think that's probably
the message that was received,

that, you know, somewhere
in the back of his mind was,

"Oh, I can't-- They don't
believe I can handle this.

I probably can't handle this."

That's a lot of stairs
for a little guy.

If we don't pay attention

to how our
"caring for our children"

is really a mask
of our own anxiety,

then we'll keep doing it
and keep blaming,

and fixing,
and contouring our children,

puppeteering them into greater
and greater inner disconnection

and not even realize
that we are.

And in doing so,
the child grows up

kind of feeling disconnected
to who it is they are.

They have to meet
the needs of the parent

versus meet their own needs.

My dad, uh, has been
in the military

for 40 plus years.

He recently retired.

I think
that that kind of gave him

a more hardened outlook
and perception of life.

He's very much a "my way
or the highway" kind of person.

He doesn't take
into account that the world

that he grew up in and the world

that I'm in now are
two different places.

I mean, I'm not out to him.

As far as he knows,
I am your typical straight,

white conservative,
like, red-blooded American.

But the truth is, I'm everything

that he rails
against on the daily.

He's not doing any of this
because he hates me.

He's not doing any of this
because he has any malice,

any ill-intent.

I genuinely feel that he wants
what's best for me,

it's just what he thinks
is best for me is not me.

There was the conversation of,
like, "Oh, like,

if Karl were
to come out as gay one day,

like, could you love him?"

And like, obviously,
my mom was immediately

just like, "Well, duh."
Like, "That's my child."

But the words that ring
in my head was from my dad

saying, "I don't know."

Those three words.

And honestly...

I, I, I honestly
would have preferred

if he had just said no.

When a child is not allowed
to discover who they are,

is not allowed
to develop autonomy,

figure out their own identity,
their own choices,

the likelihood
of that young person

developing an anxiety disorder
is pretty significant.

My quote
in my high school yearbook was,

"To hear the applause."

That's what I dreamed of
when I graduated high school.

I love being
the center of attention.
You get that from me.

You know,
it says a lot about me,

and I, I get that you have
a lot of that in you.

But I'm telling you,
I'm always proud of you.

I think you do a lot
of things that make me proud.

I think you try your hardest.

-That makes us proud.
-Okay.

Yeah, I just don't know.
I mean, I just--

I don't know, like, what I do.

When are you proud of me?

When you're not mean.

-That's not fair!
-I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

-Um...
-What do you mean "mean"?

When I'm scared of you.

Are you really
ever scared of me?

Well, sometimes,
I'm afraid you'll get mad.

Like, when I did bad
on that audition,

you were just like,

"Cooper, I'm done.

-Yeah.
-I'm sick of it."

Like, you just-- and it, it--

Well, I, I think I lose
my temper more easily because...

Especially when it comes
to singing,

I know what you're capable of.

I think-- Well,
I think a couple things happen.

I worry
that it's a reflection on me.

I also kind of feel that

I would nail every audition.

They seem really easy to me,

so I don't understand
why you can't nail them.

Like, that's-- I mean, I'm--

I, I sound crazy admitting it,
but I'm like,

-"Why can't you say this line
the way it's meant to be said?"

You know what made me
so angry about that one, Cooper?

Here I am spending all the time,

and the energy,

and the financial commitment
on therapy and this,

and I'm like, "Oh, my gosh!

Like, you let your anxiety win."

I just want you
to have that confidence.

And I didn't have it,
but I realize how so much

of the anxiety I had
over being judged

at an audition
really held me back.

If I could audition--
if I had an agent right now,

and I could go back and audition

for everything
I auditioned for--

-I'd do it differently.
-No, no, no,
I would be booking every job.

Kids can develop just
kind of a sense of inadequacy,

of never being able
to meet that standard

that parents have set for them,

as well as it can also impact

just their own
personal identity...

...because they're not
being given the chance

of developing that sense
of self and who they are,

and they're becoming
heavily reliant

on just becoming the person that
somebody else wants them to be.

Tell me about
some of those pressures

that, that are, um, coming
at you so quickly.

Um, well, parental pressures.

To do what?

Just to be good and, like,
kind of act like an adult,

even though I'm not,
um, an adult yet.

This is so stupid.

It's put me
into the wrong mindset!

Okay, honey,
tell me what I can do

to help you get
into the right mindset.

You just put a whole 'nother
layer of stress on me here!

And it just messed me all up.

Please don't.

There were
so many things I thought

I was doing as a good parent

that just made
Sevey's anxieties worse.

- Please!
-I don't always know
the right thing to do

because I don't know
what anxiety feels like for her.

Take a deep breath. Look at Mom.

Take a deep breath.

My empathy for Sevey
is significant,

but I've never
walked in her shoes.

And now that she's 13,

what makes her anxious
has changed,

and it's become even
more difficult to navigate.

Feeling
like I'm gonna disappoint

makes me very anxious.

Having my mom being mad at me
is-- makes me anxious.

Having one of my friends being
mad at me makes me anxious.

If you look at it,
it's interesting,

developmentally, the things

that kids become aware of

are the things
that worry then grabs on to.

So middle school kids will be
worried about social stuff.

They start worrying
about achievement.

They start worrying
about how are they gonna live

separate from their parents.

As a child
leaves elementary school

and moves into middle school,
the first thing

that generally happens
is a remodeling of the brain

and how an adolescent
experiences life.

There's more
intense emotions that happen.

It can get overwhelming.
Your emotions get so big.

Then there's social engagement.

For this adolescent to survive,
she must have belonging

to at least one
other adolescent.

That's been true for many,
many mammals,

where you see that if you
don't have an association

with other adolescents,
you will die,

you will be somebody's lunch.

So the reason your adolescent
says, "Oh, my God,

I need to have
that kind of boot,"

or that kind of shoe,
or that kind of jacket,

or whatever, you know,

they're not just
being superficial,

they have
an evolutionary history

to wanting to be
socially connected.

Belonging, for the mind,

is like breathing for the body.

I remember in middle school,

that was even rougher
than elementary school for me.

I grew up in South Florida,

very predominantly white areas,

you know,
went to a private school

from kindergarten
through fifth grade,

where I was literally,
not exaggerating,

one of like three
or four Black kids

in the entire school.

I don't know.
I just wasn't myself.

I don't think
I was my best self then

because I was
so anxious all the time

and hiding that part of me.

When I was around 14,

I felt like I was being bullied,

and it was really hard for me.
I couldn't, I couldn't
really understand why

not everyone would like me.
Like, for some reason,
I just had to have everybody

like me and everybody
be cool with me.

And I just remember trying to do

everything I could
to get people to like me.

And I just remember my mind,
like, almost tricking me

and being like, "Oh, yeah, like,
you weren't invited to that
because they don't like you,"

or, "Oh, you're being annoying,"
or, "Oh, you need to calm down,"

or "You're doing too much," or--
And it was just back and forth

and back and forth,
and I just remember that's
when I really started, like,

having days
where I'd just be home crying

and not exactly knowing why.

Where I went to middle school,

the typical thing
for people was like,

"Oh, that's, that's gay," like,
calling people the F-slur.

When your only real exposure
to it is the fact

that everybody else
is using it as an insult,

made me feel...

...awful, subhuman.

When it started really
conflicting with this idea

of who I was...

...you, you just shut down
completely and utterly.

Your, your emotions
are heightened.

Your, your, your, your physical
abilities are lowered.

It, it, it just
gets overwhelming.

This morning,
I woke up to my mom sending me

a picture
of when I was in eighth grade.

And it was interesting
because I, I wanted

to cringe when I saw it,
and I was bigger.

I was definitely at-- I'm 5'10".

And I was probably like 5'8"
in eighth grade.

And I remember
that moment where that's really

when my depression
and anxiety started.

The body image stuff is--
it probably is hard

for a lot of people to kind
of grasp when you, uh,

when you don't--
when you haven't felt it.

It's kind of like a panic
attack in that way.

I remember feeling

uncomfortable in my skin.

I remember the anxious thoughts.

I remember feeling
like I just wasn't good enough,

and that was weird for somebody
that's just about to be
13 years old.

I've always just felt like,

"Man, I need,
I need a little more."

Like, "I need to, I need to be
a little more muscular,"

or "I need--
I'm too skinny right now."

And it's that, it's that
same negative self-talk,

like, you're not good enough.

When we don't allow
our children to own

their authentic voice
and to feel comfortable

in their own skin,

then they grow up
constantly foraging,

scavenging the Earth
for an inner sense of self,

and they look outward.

I sought external validation
because I feel like

that's just what I was taught.

I think we live
in a world now where you pick up

your phone, it's Instagram,

it's Twitter, it's TikTok.

You're looking and comparing
yourself to everything.

And you also see
the way that people idolize

those people that are "winning"
in this social media industry.

I downloaded TikTok, um,

and I made a...
a couple of videos.

I was just like, "Hey, it'd be
cool to get TikTok famous."

And then I made, like,
three videos that week,
and they all blew up.

So I really never expected
to get any followers

or even grow as much as I did.

Currently, I have about
280,000 followers, I think.

There definitely is
a danger when it comes

to spending a lot
of time on social media.

It definitely has
the potential to become

this environment
of judgment and pressure.

I remember there
was one point in my life

where I was just
on social media scrolling,

and scrolling, and scrolling.
It, it just took a toll on me,

and I was like, "Wow,
why can't I look like that?

Why is, you know,
this going on?" Like,

"I need to, like,
do better for myself."

Now I'm just
comparing everything.

I'm com-- comparing my body.

I'm comparing
sometimes even my character.

"I shouldn't have done this.
I've made too many mistakes.

I regret this."
And all of a sudden, it's like,

it's not even just
the way that I look.

It's the way that I feel.

It's the way
that I carry myself.

I don't, um, walk straight.
I don't stand up straight.

I don't do all
of these things that I see

in, like, a really short clip.

I got so incredibly
tough on myself

about looking a certain way,

like, basically looking
like an Instagram model,

which is such
an unfair standard,

but it's definitely
one of my biggest triggers

right now.

I will sadly look at myself
in the mirror and like say,

"Oh, my gosh,
you need to lose weight.

You look too fat.
Your waist isn't perfect."

Like, "How are you
gonna fit into that dress?

How are you gonna fit
into that bathing suit?"

And, like,
that's a normal activity for me.

Like, it's sad to say,
but it is.

I can't get away from the trap.

Everything that, um,
I love is on my phone.

How many hours
did I spend in my phone?

Oh, my God,
yesterday, it was ten.

To be able to post
on TikTok or to be able

to post on Instagram
is super important to me,

and the amount of followers
I have is important to me.

Why am I losing followers?

Do I not look good
in a certain picture?

Do I need to change something?

I can have hundreds
of comments that are so nice

and so uplifting,
and all it takes

is just one video to flop
or, like, one negative comment,

and it just
overshadows the rest.

It's almost as if it feels
like the rest just isn't real,

that the rest is just
some sort of, sort of mirage,

people just being nice to me.

And then if someone notices,
like, bad parts,

if someone notices flaws,
it's like,

"Well, they're,
they're right, they exist."

The other token of that
is the validation

that you do receive once you've
been deprived of it for so long

is satisfying, it's addicting,

and that's why we go back
to it every single time.

But it's fleeting.
It doesn't fill anything.

We have an empty void.

So in that world of comparison
that I was living in,

it felt like I didn't
just have anxiety,

I was living in it.

The loneliness
almost crept in more...

...and that kind of loneliness
is the most debilitating thing

that you can feel
because you get just enough

to keep you going, but nothing
that's actually real or true.

It was definitely
super overwhelming,

and I just remember waking up

and like feeling dead
and drained,

and driving to school,

and then getting
in the parking lot,

and doing nothing
but just crying.

And I just remember
calling my mom and being like,

"I, I can't do this. I can't,

I can't go to school.
I can't do this."

Like, I just feel like I,
I just want to stop everything.

Anxiety thrives in isolation

because it's
an internal process.

People think that anxiety

is all about
what goes on out here,

but the way
it really gets its power

is how we interpret in here
what's going on out here.

And so if you are alone,

if you are
in your room by yourself,

if you're looking
at your smartphone,

the stories that you tell,

the internal focus
that we have with anxiety

is, is something we really
need to pay attention to.

When you are left alone
with your thoughts,

when you are in there
telling stories, worrying,

feeling all of
these feelings by yourself,

it is no surprise at all

that those kids
move toward depression.

They're being bombarded
by messages that who it is

they are is not good enough.

That's why you
and I are anxious,

because if we fall prey
to the message

that who you are is
still not good enough,

you need to be that,
and you need to be more,

and you need to be skinnier,
and whiter, and lovelier,

and cleverer, I mean,
that's what our children
are bombarded by,

a standard of beauty,
a standard of intellect,

a standard of perfectionism
that is out of reach.

My name is Frances Haugen.

I used to work at Facebook.

The documents I have provided
to Congress prove

that Facebook
has repeatedly misled the public

about what
its own research reveals

about the safety of children.

The company's leadership knows
how to make Facebook

and Instagram safer,

but won't the necessary changes
because they have put

their astronomical
profits before people.

We have culture that wants
to be, uh, capitalistic

and predating
on children because culture

makes a quick buck on it.

But they need to be told,
our children,

that what you're
seeing is fantasy.

You have the child,
you know, at that intersection

of a culture
that's desiring of greatness

and a cultural pressure that's
desiring of capitalism, really.

You have the poor child

who's just mercilessly
thrown around

in the winds of this craze.

When we think about whether
or not kids are more anxious

today than
they were in the past,

the answer is yes,
the statistics show it

in terms of the numbers rising.

Kids are more anxious today
because they are

constantly being put
into situations,

not all of them bad,
where they're being evaluated.

There's enormous
amount of information.

We are being s-- bombarded
by too much stimulation.

This is another route
to anxiety,

too much stimulation,

and people will have a meltdown

because of the limited bandwidth

that they have to be able
to process

the bombardment of sounds

and images
that are coming at them.

The ability to know
everything all the time

is really causing
the anxiety to really explode

in a way
that's pretty unprecedented.

There's a lot of cultural unrest

happening right now,

um, and it's very scary.

Uh, things feel very uncertain.

So tonight,
I, I was in the bathroom

washing my face,
and they were out here
watching their show.

And I was just
in there washing my face,

and a helicopter flew over...

...and it started, like,

saying stuff off
like a loudspeaker.

And I couldn't really understand
what they, they were saying,

but all I could understand was,
"Something, something, 911"...

...and I got really scared,
and I didn't know what it was,

and we didn't know what it was.

Every time a helicopter
flies over like that,

it's, it's,
it's really scary for me

because I don't know
what's gonna happen

because... ...like,

all the stories
that I've heard in the past,

like, school shootings,

mall shootings,

anything that happens
with, like,

really dangerous situations,

that's my worst fear.

I never want to be
caught up in that.

We're living
in very scary times.

I, I see a lot of hate
being displayed.

I'm sure, you know,
some of these people

always had these feelings,

but it just wasn't
in your face like that.

And we're just living
in very divisive times.

It's scary.

Recently,
I've been worrying a lot

about the state of our nation,

and there's been a lot going on

when it comes
to racial injustices and stuff.

I worry a lot
because of my racial background.

Um, in case you couldn't tell,
I'm...

...I'm not exactly white.

Uh, and so, um,

there is definitely
a lot of, um...

...certain systemic issues
that I face.

And so I pretty much worry
every time I go out the street,

every time a cop car passes me,

and I, I-- it's just, it's just
things where I fear for my life,

and I just worry and...

I don't know, I just get worried
that I'd never see

my parents or friends again
because if,

if something were
to happen to me, I don't know.

I remember
I was pulled over once

when I was in high school,

and I remember being terrified.

I didn't even--
hadn't realized, you know,

that I was even doing
anything wrong.

And I remember being afraid
that I could lose my life.

And I was actually crying.
I remember calling my parents,
and they said like,

"Just stay calm.
You'll be fine."

It's an extra layer of anxiety

for Black and brown families,
just dealing with racism.

That's something
that white people don't have

to, to deal with.

That sort of experience

of just constantly
feeling afraid.

Anxiety to me...

It might have been
when I was around eight,

nine years old,
coming home with my dad

and pulling into the driveway,

turning the car off,
try to step out,

and seeing...

...just the whole world
turning red and blue.

Having the first interaction

with the police in that sense...

...from the flashlights,

and with the guns drawn,

and the flashlights
on assault rifles pointed at me

and my father from both windows.

Finding out my brother
had passed away from drugs,

sadly, and seeing him
and his body that same day.

I ended up
being institutionalized

in St Lukes Psychiatric Hospital

when I was like six years old.

Been there...
about three months,

but that first day
was the hardest,

and the one I'll live
with the most was...

...being held down
by those staff

and seeing my mom just walk away

through those double doors.

So was it that--
is that where you were?

Yeah, them-- in the--
Right up there.

They ended up putting
a needle in my ass,

you know, my ass,
you know, my rear end,

and putting me to sleep.

And I don't remember, like,
after, like, the first week.

Yeah, three months of that.

Even as a child,
I saw with my own eyes

that only a few get
the luxury to live,

while the rest have to scramble
just to survive.

That's something
I want to change.

I think that's the unrest

and why I feel
that I can't rest,

because survival
is a part of life,

but it isn't life.

I'd say people are upset when
every day is like on the brink

of not seeing tomorrow
or if there will be tomorrow.

I'm living like
that every single day,

seeing my mother like that,

seeing my father
for a long time like that,

seeing family members
have to overcome that.

And as it grows continually,
it gets more heavy,

to where it's almost
like you want to reach inside

and just throw it off, you know?

The system doesn't serve
every child well.

Kids get lost,
they get overdiagnosed,

and they get overmedicated.

There are times
when people are treating them

who don't have
the expertise that's needed

to handle some
of the complexities

of being a child in a world
that is so complicated.

It is not a surprise at all
to me how frequently we are

seeing kids with long
histories of anxiety,

and by the time
that they hit college,

the ability
for these kids to move on

with their lives
really becomes impaired.

And it was a long time
in the making, unfortunately.

Today, I worry

about a lot of things, honestly.

It all falls into worrying
about the future

and the uncertainty of it all.

Currently,
I'm worried about college.

When I got to college,

I basically was
just shell-shocked.

All the things that I didn't
expect to be hard were...

...just the constant grind,

and basically al-- just all
the same thoughts

-from my anxiety
all came back into my life.

When I tried to go see
a counselor on campus,

it was three weeks before
I could even get an intake
to discuss what was going on.

And I remember thinking
at that time,

"Man, I've dealt with this
for so long that I know
how to deal with it,"

but imagine
if this was a kid that...

...didn't know what
they were doing with anxiety,

or depression, or anything,
and they had to wait

three weeks,
going through whatever
they were going through,

to get an intake,
not even, not even the help
that they needed.

My first panic attack
was when I was 18

in my freshman year of college.

It was during a calculus exam.

I suddenly couldn't breathe,
and my hands were shaking.

I couldn't even
write on the test.

Like, I literally had
to just walk out

and leave
because I thought,

like, something
was happening to me.
Like, I thought I was dying.

Um, I called my mom,
and I was like,

"Mom--" Like, I was,
like, hyperventilating.

I was like, "I can't breathe.
I don't know what's going on."

And she was like, "I think
you're having a panic attack."

I didn't have a therapist yet.
I waited like a month to get in,

and then I only got
five sessions,
and they kicked me out.

So I finally got close
with the therapist there,
and they're like,

"Oh, sorry, you, like,
ran out of appointments."

So then I had to find
somebody else,

who ended up not taking
my insurance,

found somebody else who ended up
just being really terrible,

and so I just kept going through
all these different therapists

after I had found the one
that was helping me,

and then
she could no longer see me.

It doesn't make any sense
at all how they work.

College campuses have to
recognize that their consumer,

their client, is more likely
to have mental health disorders.

It's not because of college.
It's because that's the time

the brain has those changes if
you're genetically predisposed

to getting those disorders.

You talk to any president
of a college,

and he's gonna say,
or she's going to say,

"This is a problem. Where am I
supposed to find the funds?"

Well, you're,
you're gonna have to reallocate.

You just have to because
this problem is not going away.

I was having
cycling panic attacks.

Just, like, went through
panic attack after panic attack.

It was like an elephant
was sitting on my chest.

Like, it was tight.
I couldn't breathe.

And I also just felt like
a hollow emptiness inside,

like I wasn't even-- Like, I
feel like I was disassociating.

I wasn't even, like, a person.
Like, I was just this, like,

crumpled up
piece-of-paper-type thing,

and that just couldn't
function anymore.

And I knew I couldn't
keep living like that.

And I started having
a panic attack,

and I took a Klonopin to help,
and it didn't help.

And so I took another Klonopin,
and it didn't help.

Took another Klonopin,
and it didn't help.

And I had already written
a suicide note,

so I was just like,
"I can't do this anymore.
Like, this is my end."

It felt like
I was supposed to feel better.

I knew that I had it
better than others.

And it was, like,
not only was I taking the hammer

of all the things
that I had done wrong,

I was also taking on
this huge hammer of,

"Well, I'm supposed
to feel better, do better,
look better, think better,

but for whatever reason,
I'm not.

-And that's my fault,
and that's me."

I looked at myself
in the mirror, and I thought,

"I ha-- I hate the person
that I see in front of me."

I remember, you know,
pulling up to this bridge.

I stood at that ledge, and...

...I thought of all the people,

you know, that I loved
and that loved me back.

But the painful thing
about what I think depression
and anxiety does is...

...you also have, like,
the enemy and the ego in
your head reminding you of why,

like, the choice that you think
you're about to make
is the right one.

And I was taking that all in

and I didn't realize
that my dad had my location,

and he noticed, like,
I've been gone for four hours.

"Where is she?" And he saw me
driving around, I guess,
all over.

And he pulled up finally,
he was probably going like 90,

pulled up and I remember him
walking around my car

and his eyes,
and he was a paramedic,

so he looked at me,
and he's like,

"What are you doing?" Like, calm
and centered, and I was like,

"I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing."

I would say that, in the richest
country in the world,

we are truly failing
our young people.

The message is loud and clear.
"We don't think
this is important,"

and then we pay later.

Some disturbing findings
about suicides in this country

and how the rate has continued
to climb for more than 15 years.

The mental health of teenagers
is a major cause for concern.

Kids are a frequent sight in
hospital emergency departments.

The obstacles this generation
of young people face

are unprecedented and uniquely
hard to navigate,

and the impact that's having
on their mental health
is devastating.

The coronavirus pandemic
has fueled

a mental health crisis
in the United States.

Recent report warns
that kids and teens may develop

serious mental health conditions
because of the pandemic.

It took COVID to finally put

child mental health
at the front of the agenda

because COVID is
such a remarkable, uh, equalizer

that everyone is feeling the
stress of this global pandemic.

Since there is a high percentage
of people in the United States,

particularly under the age
of 18, who are struggling,

they look more symptomatic
than ever before.

The unknown is so challenging
for an anxious child

and that made COVID one
of the hardest times for us

because Sevey wanted assurances
that everything would be okay,

and wanted certainty
that I just couldn't give her.

For school, I have to keep
a journal about quarantine
and what our feelings are.

Me and my mom had to quarantine,
but then instead

of having it to be two weeks,
it became unknown.

It's changed so much,
and some things I just don't
want to change are changing.

I want life
to go back to normal.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I will do the stuff for today.
I'm not doing the stuff
for yesterday

because if it cannot fit
on one page

when you could just make
the font smaller,

I'm not gonna to do it
because I didn't see it,
so I'm not going to do it.

Just the other day, I took him
back to the psychiatrist,

and he prescribed, uh,
an antidepressant...

...which I'm on the fence about,
but Mike and I both agree

we got to try something else
because screaming

and the panic attacks, I mean,
it's, it's not getting better,

it's getting worse.
Uh, just simple things
like doing homework or--

-Transitioning...
-Transitions are really hard--

-...from anyth-- from anything
to homework, yeah.
-It's really hard.

It's like he feels

almost like a self-hatred
when he's in that moment.

Like, he's freaking out,
and screaming,

and, like, "I am so stupid."

Like, he broke an iPad
on his forehead...

...and, uh, really scared me.

Lockdown was really strange.

I've been home in Florida

with my parents
for about five months.

It's more stressful
than I anticipated.

I miss my friends.
I miss my freedom.

I'm nervous.

Today, I was very antsy.

I, I, I couldn't stay still.

I had a hard time
focusing during my,

uh, online classes today,

my li-- my live sessions,

and it was just really,
really tough.

I'm just trying
to do whatever it is that

will take my mind off of things.

When everything
just kind of shut down

around the beginning of COVID,

my dreams about
the future were just, like,

stopped and, like, crushed,

and the future was
just so uncertain.

I definitely hit
a very low point.

I...

I basically shut out my friends.
I shut out my family.

I physically was feeling sick.

I would just feel very,
almost woozy,

and it was almost like
I couldn't exactly, like,

have like control on reality.

It wasn't like
a silence of emotions,

it was almost like
an emptiness of it.

It was like being sucked out
and I just remember

sitting there feeling like,
like, like there was no future.

All right, so tell me
what's been going on,
tell me what's--

Yeah, so...

I think at first I was doing
all right, and then--

-Like, a little while in,

I just started getting
like a lot more panic attacks...

-and, like...
-Mm-hmm.

...just started to feel those,

like, coming on at all times.

And then, like, when I'm not
having a panic attack,

I'm worrying that one's coming.

So I, I think the most
important thing for you

to hear from me right now
is that this is okay,

and I know
you're just like, "Oh,

-God, you know, why is this--"
You know.
-Yeah.

-You're just,
you're just frustrated with it.
-Yeah.

But, but, you know,
we're in a global pandemic.

-Yeah.
- Right?

I mean, it is sort of like,
if this were a novel about

little boy who worries
about death and uncertainty.

-Yeah.
-And then when he's in college,
then there's a global pandemic

that shuts down the world,
and then, you know,

there's a death
to somebody near,
close to him that's unexpected.

-Yeah.
-I mean, people would look
at this, and you'd probably

send it off to the--
to your editor,
and the editor would be like,

-"Really?" Like,
"This is a little--
- Yeah.

Don't you think
this is a little much?
You got this little kid

who worries about
death and uncertainty,
and then we throw him

-into a pandemic, I mean,
who's gonna believe that?"
-Right.

This is just another part
of your story to say,

"This is--
This is me on this path,
and this is me figuring me out."

It takes these kind of crises

for us to rethink
and be innovative.

It's maybe the only silver
lining for the pandemic.

And I think America
is still having trouble

wrapping its head
around the fact

that the most common illnesses
of childhood

and adolescence
are mental health disorders.

I think we still have
so much stigma related to it.

There's an illusion
that we think

people with depression
and anxiety and these very,

you know, deep emotions,
that they're not strong.

But I actually think that
they're incredibly strong.

You know, so strong that

they're pushing through
these things that, normally...

...you know,
other people maybe wouldn't.

They would take
the time to heal from them.

When I was in my early twenties,

I started taking
an antidepressant,

and I noticed within like two
weeks, for me, it was just like,

I really could just start saying
yes to everything.

I was really in like
a super, super good place.

And I had a boyfriend, and he's
like, "Oh, so you're cheating."

And I was like,
"I'm sorry, wha-- what?"

He goes,
"You're happy all the time.

Like, you're always
in a good mood and..."

I was just like, "Yeah, I am.

That's just who I am and...

...if I am not
chemically balanced right,

I can't be like that because
I'm, like, internally suffering

at a level that
you can't even comprehend
with your reptile brain."

And I had not really
ever seen it.

I had never been
exposed to somebody

who said something like that.

And so it was just super--
it was just such a bummer,
you know?

I'd like to see...

...many things changed
on the state of mental health.

And part of it is,
it's okay to be undone.

That there are people that have
asthma, they have lupus...

...they have other illnesses
from childhood,

but if they have anxiety,
that that's terrible?

If they need to see
a psychologist,

that's terrible? No.

But I, I do believe that there
are a lot of advocates

uh, that are rising up
and saying, "Hey,

like, it's okay to admit you
have a mental health problem."

We in the African American
community,

we don't deal
with mental health issues.

We don't even talk about it.

We've been taught to pray
our problems away.

Um, we've been demonized

for coming out saying
we have issues,

uh, and we have trust issues.

Just to throw in
a little bit of my journey,

I felt like once I found out
what was going on mentally,

I found that it was, there was
more freedom for me to be okay

with what I had
because I was learning about it.

People have called me brave,
but to me it just felt
like not dying,

and I felt like
being honest and, um,

maybe bravery is just being
honest when it would be
easier not to.

Um, and if that's bravery,
then so be it,

but I've just been
really grateful,

um, to, one,
receive the help I have,

and then, two,
to have learned some things
that I can share with others.

So what needs to change is
something systemic,

is not to blame the anxiety

and not to blame the one who is
experiencing the anxiety.

We should take away all labels,
all judgement, all shame.

It's not the child's "fault."

We need to understand
what's happening systemically.

It's not
that the system is broke.

It's, it was never right.

It's not a broke system.

It's, it's,
it's not a woke system.

You know, we never woke up
and created the proper system.

Families are making
the daily decision

on how to prioritize
their bills.

And I think that mental health
falls at the bottom of the pole

because it's not something
that's an immediate need,

like housing or food.

And so families have to make
really tough decisions

about priorities
and what's gonna be feasible.

Then those services
are overwhelmed

because there's a lot
of people that are asking

for the exact same thing
at the exact same time.

We have to be able to make sure
that insurance companies

treat mental health the way
they treat physical health,

that they don't discount it,

they don't limit
the number of sessions,

they don't do things
that they would never consider
doing when a kid has a seizure,

or a child has
a series of headaches

that they can't figure out
what's going on.

They don't say
you only have five sessions,

or you only have ten sessions.

They decide on the relief
that the child gets,

and when the kid is better,
that's when the treatment ends.

Our children are hurting.

Mental health supports
for children are too hard

to navigate and,
and too scarce in supply.

This results in emergency rooms
and hospitals providing care

that is best delivered in homes,
communities, and schools.

A better system to support
children, youth, and families

means, for starters,

a stronger and more stable
school nursing workforce,

one capable of identifying
and screening for
mental health issues,

providing immediate counseling,
de-escalation, and relief,

and able to make referrals
to next level care.

In child mental health,
the greatest advances we've made

in the last 20 years
tend not to be for medications.

They tend to be from
psychosocial interventions
that are evidence-based.

We have to help parents,

teachers,
and the public recognize

how real, common, and treatable
these disorders are.

I was in dialectical
behavior therapy the summer

between my freshman
and sophomore year,

so I learned like
a lot of coping mechanisms.

I was always afraid
of my anxiety,

so when I would get anxious, I'd
be anxious about being anxious,

you know how that goes,
and then it just escalates.

So I really learned to just,
like, radically accept it.

Like, when my heart rate
was at 115

a couple weeks ago, I, like,
noticed it, and I was like,

"Okay, I'm gonna make sure I
don't get into a panic attack."

But I was making sure to, like,
accept the anxiety and not

be, like, angry at myself that
I was feeling anxious again,

or, like, scared that a panic
attack is gonna, like, happen.

It took me
literally years to, like...

work on the radical
acceptance skill,

but, um, it's really,
it's really helped.

I think I'm on
a good medication regimen.

I think, with anxiety,
like, sure, it's rough,

but I'm at a point
in my life where I'm like,

"Okay, hello, anxiety.
You're here.

This is cool. Could you
back off a little bit?"

But, like, I can, I can sit
there in my anxiety and not,

like, spiral into
a panic attack anymore.

One of the things that is key
that we need to make sure
that we are doing,

particularly with teenagers
around their mental wellness,

is that we make sure
we are not talking about this

in a way
that makes it permanent.

When we use the language
of permanence,

"This is who you are,"

that you will have to deal with
this for the rest of your life,

we take away hope.

And when you've got a teenager
who is anxious, depressed,

isolated in their own head,
when we take away hope,

that's when we put them at risk.

Anxiety isn't something
that you can find a fix for,

and it completely goes away.

You always have that, that
little thought in your head,

or that little thought pattern.
It's come back over and over,

and it gets really good,
and then all of a sudden,

I'm in the darkest place ever.
You basically just need to say,

I've seen this before,
and it's gonna be

-the same story as always.

One of the main things that
I learned through therapy was

that you have to focus on

not the content of the anxiety,
but the anxiety as a whole.

So that's something when,

whenever I start to feel
that anxious feeling coming on,

um, I'm just able to recognize
that immediately

and know, "Okay,
this is anxiety,

and it's something that I've
been dealing with my whole life,

and I'm able
to deal with it again."

We are always confronted
with adversity in some way,

and we need to find
ways in which we can transcend

the adversities and make
our intention something

that propels us
into having a good life.

It is inevitable that you're
going to be disappointed.

It's inevitable that you are
going to feel distress.

And if we say to kids,

"We are going to work
on creating a world

in which you know everything,

in which we can make
things predictable,

we are gonna give you
a certainty device
that's gonna make sure

that you know exactly
what's gonna happen

at exactly what time,"

when that falls apart,
which inevitably it will,

they are ill-equipped.

The more that we send
our children into the world

emotionally ill-equipped
to handle sadness,

disappointment,
stress, uncertainty,

the more that,
that they are falling apart

in front of our eyes.

They're not equipped, and
then they, and then they say,

"I can't do it,"
and they bail out.

So resilience is the ability
not, not to show--

throw kids into situations
in which they're suffering,

but to support them
through their distress.

The child is not wrong
to be anxious,

and the child
shouldn't be shamed.

Anxiety is a natural response
to this insanity.

All of us are anxious.
We're just not realizing it.

We need a more
serene approach to life

where you go inward
rather than outward,

where you connect more to the
heart rather than to the mind.

Because as much as
we want our children to succeed,

we also want
to teach them that
they don't have to do anything

other than be who it is
they are to be successful.

I tell myself to breathe,
take deep breaths, you know,

calm myself from that very
elevated state.

And I'll do this thing,
it's like five, five rules.

So I'll be like,
"Name five things I can see,

name five things I can smell,
five things I can hear,

-five things I can taste."

And it'll just keep me
more grounded to where I'm at,

instead of being
in that crazy high level.

Then I like to remind myself
that this is just a moment,

and that the moment will pass,
and you will get through this,

and that it is okay
to experience it,

and it is okay to sit
in that anxiousness.

Just reminding
to show love to yourself,

and just offering nothing
but positive energy

really just counteracts that.

I would tell myself
to keep going

and to not let
my anxiety weigh me down...

...because right now,
I still have anxiety,

but life gets better.
You have to be

brave enough to keep switching
therapies, therapists

and just keep pushing forward
until you find
what works for you

because there is something
that works for you.

There's something that works
for everybody out there.

You can do all the work,
but if you don't go out

into the real world and apply
it, you're not getting anywhere.

And that's,
that's what a lot of the healing

and a lot
of the progress was about,

was me getting out
of my comfort zone.

And you always have fallbacks,
you always have setbacks,

but I'd rather take
three steps forward

and two steps back than
just stand in one place.

What we've learned is that
anxiety is just, is just energy.

And what's most important
is how we use it.

And we know just from
a biological standpoint

how beneficial exercise can be

with respect to lowering stress
hormones and boosting mood.

You can take any energy,

flip it the right way,
and make it work for you.

In a lot of cases, that,
that just comes with, like,

taking care of myself.
I know when I'm burnt out,

or if I'm exhausted,
or feeling overwhelmed,

that's when I get
triggered more.

So a lot of the time, I try
to space things out in my life.

I try to take care of my body.

I really focus
on the really basic things

because I know in the long run

how quickly they spiral
into an anxious episode.

I worry most about--

My overthinking
is what kills me,

is not being able
to figure out if,

what I want to do
with myself or the future,

what I want just to do
in, in, in this life.

I see the stars.
I don't see just the moon.

The way I deal with anxiety now
is just try to stay positive,

because anxiety is part
of your mental health.

And so good mental health
can try to decrease on that.

Manage my stress,
eating right, exercising.

♪ It's a luxury
to live, lot of risk ♪

♪ Gotta scramble
just to survive ♪

♪ You know there's something
better that will come ♪

♪ You gonna rise and... ♪

I found music. I have
a passion for it, I enjoy it

as a way of being able to write,
and be personal about it,

and to get rid
of that bottled up energy.

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run away, young one ♪

I've learned to channel
all that anxious energy

that I have into music.

So when I'm feeling anxious,
just, you know,

basically repurposing that
in a way to create something,

something beautiful that,

that I can be proud of and,
you know, share with others.

♪ Ooh, I feel so ready to fly ♪

Stress is not the problem.

The problem is focusing
on something meaningful.

Now, if you think
about a karate master

who has the job
of breaking a board,

the focus of the karate master
is not to see the board.

The focus
of the karate master is
where you're going to wind up.

So the idea is not to focus
on stress,

but to focus
on what is meaningful.

[crowd chattering
and applauding]

Me and my friend Hannah
are both definitely active

when it comes to wanting
to instill change

in our communities
and our country.

And so we'll go to protests,

and we'll sign petitions
and stuff,

whether that's
for racial injustices

or environmental issues.

Relationships are
incredibly important.

Let's just call
that connecting time.

Relationships with people
and the planet.

And what happens
with that is you say,

"I see, the way to be happy
is actually be of service

to other people,
be of service to nature."

And then when I stop living as
if all I am is a separate self,

things start to get better.

-Alright, are you ready to go,
dribble?
- Yeah.

The confidence that I've built,
I think it started

with basketball and being able

to get a base
for my confidence from there.

If you can, try to snap it
a little harder this time.

I do a lot of coaching now.

It's really cool for me
to be able to teach other kids

what I worked on my whole life

and it's all the experiences
that I went through

that are making me able to be

a good coach
to kids that are like me.

Basketball is something
that I love

and that I'm good at
and that I can get better at.

And I carried it over to, um,
my struggle with anxiety.

And then once I started getting
through the anxiety,

that built another layer
of confidence that,

uh, I didn't know that I had.

We are built for connection.

You were never created
to be singular.

You're not best singular.
You're best plural.

So I think in a world that we've
been challenged by so much

like never before,

we've got to get out
of this place of isolation

and get back to plural.

People with tremendous amounts
of anxiety

that may in part be due to this
false view of a separate self.

When that dissolves,
when they realize,

yes, they do have a body,
of course,

but they're also an identity
as a relational being,

there's a feeling of calm
and belonging that arises.

A friend of mine
who also experiences

anxiety and depression and...

I remember
just one day sitting with her,

and we were laying on the floor

and it was pitch-black.
The lights were off

and I was just telling
her everything.

And she made me aware that
what I was feeling is valid...

...and that there are ways
to get through it.

Now that I'm older, you know,
I think there's less of a stigma

about talking
about mental health.

You know, I have friends that
deal with all sorts of things.

And, you know,
we have that open dialogue,
which I think is very helpful.

Because when you're able to talk
about that and not feel like

people are judging you,
it's, it's really helpful.

I'm going into medicine,
and I'm really passionate
about psychiatry,

um, which there aren't a lot of,
a lot of Black people

in psychiatry,
especially Black women.

So I think it's really important
for me to, you know,

really look into that field
and hopefully, you know,
make a change.

When I went to college,
like, freshman year

was honestly one
of the greatest years of my life

just because, like,
I was out of the house

for the first time ever.

Living authentically

when I'm away from home...

...it's everything,
it's freedom,

it's just me being me.

I know the depth of pain
that I felt when I was
in eighth grade,

and ninth grade,
and tenth grade,

and all the way up to probably
a couple of years ago,
a year ago.

And I have the answer.

I do. I have the answer.
We all do. It's in us.

I was really angry with God,
but I mostly--

it wasn't that I was just angry,
I also felt

I wasn't worthy of his love.

Like, I had made
too many mistakes.

But I know now that God
created me for a purpose,

to be joyful, and to laugh,
and to love, and be loved.

We talk about this idea of,
"It takes a village", it does.

So if you're an aunt,
if you're an uncle,

if you're a brother or sister,
if you're a friend,

we need to start
paying attention
to somebody who is struggling

because sometimes, they don't
need just professional advice,

but they need somebody
that just walks with them.

There needs to be a connection

between young people and people

that are their leaders,

their tutors, their mentors,
their pastors, their parents,

so we can connect
and communicate.

It's too late.

It's never too late for Cubby.

The advice
that I would give to parents,

uh, who have anxious kids,

sometimes, they really do just--

the kids just really do
just need your help,

and you really just need
to be there and just

give them a big hug,

or just ask them what's wrong.

And, uh, I think that you sh--

you can probably figure it
out from there, just--

It kind of just goes
without saying.

You just need
to be there for them

if they're really upset
about something.

My mission is not to be
the perfect parent.

My mission is to be
an awakened one.

And part of being awakened
is looking in that mirror

and seeing that shadow aspect.

And parents don't want to look,

but we have to look at them.

We have to be brave
for our children.

This is not about
being perfect parents.
This is about being awakened.

You know,
parents feel shame and guilt,

and I go,
"But that's your opportunity."

Look at it as the turning point.
Look at it as the invitation,

and, and then
let's course correct.

A lesson for me has been...

...sort of understanding
that these things

don't just come out of thin air.

And, you know,
the way that I am is a product

of who my parents were
and who my family is

and the way that Cooper
reacts to a situation and exists

in the world is, you know,
it's, it's not about blaming,

but it's about recognizing...
yourself in them

so that you can be better,
and you can help them be better.

I felt this need to be
the perfect parent,

and what I've learned through it
all is, I'm perfectly imperfect

and still figuring
things out too.

And I think that's important.

I think as parents,
we can put a lot of pressure

on ourselves, um,
and it doesn't help our kids.

I would advise
parents to prepare

for the long haul as well.

-It's not something that can be
dealt with right away, right?
-Mm-hmm.

It's not--
it doesn't end right away.

I mean,
it may go on for a long time.

One of the things
that I'll carry with me

as I move forward
in my parenting

is to give Sevey
more space to be who Sevey is.

I, I think maybe I put
a lot of pressure on Sevey

to be a certain way.

And if I could go back

and allow things
to just be and unfold,

I think it would have been
a lot healthier for both of us.

I think that I have
a much better understanding

of what it might feel like
to walk in Sevey's shoes.

I think
it's really important to see

anxiety through her eyes,
not mine.

Sevey, what do you think
you need to do?

I think I definitely
need to learn to cope

with it much better than I am

because I'm not coping with,

with it right now
if I'm gonna be honest.

I don't know how.

In our family story,
there is no magic ending

to Sevey's anxiety.

She still struggles,
and I still find it

challenging as her mom.

And I see that it's a really
scary world for these kids.

They're walking a path
that we've never walked,

but it doesn't have
to be debilitating.

It's our job as parents,
as friends, and as family

to walk alongside them
and give them all the resources

they need, so they know
they're not alone.

I have suffered from anxiety

and/or depression
since I was 18.

Everyone's human.
Everyone has problems.

Everyone feels yucky
on the inside sometimes.

Being somebody who's, uh,

dealt with my share
of, of mental health struggles,

specifically anxiety
and depression,

I know this can be an extremely
tough time to, to navigate.

These are things
that everybody goes through.

We all have our trials
and errors

with different things
in our lives,

and realizing that eventually,

in due time, you know,
this too shall pass.

Speak up. Don't live in silence.

Because who you are,
and what you do,

and what you're
going through is not wrong.

Be your own ally.
Be gentle with yourself.

If you know how to be
kind to yourself,

you can start feeling safe
in your own skin.

Write down my thoughts
and feelings every day,

no matter how bad I'm feeling,
how anxious I'm feeling.

And once I get it out, uh,
it's not as powerful anymore.

Find things, little things
that, that make you happy.

I love to be in the kitchen,
I love to cook,

and I love to listen to music.

I have a little guitar
that I play.

Singing, I'm trying
to sing every day

and let my voice express
what I'm feeling every day.

I just make a lot of lists.

I have lists for things
I need to do that day,

long-term, short-term,
fun stuff, not fun stuff,

gets it out of my mind
and on paper.

Mental health conditions
can be scary and intimidating,

but I choose to believe
that they just mean

that we're able to see
the world in more beautiful,

more vibrant colors,
and getting treatment

is a way to learn
how to paint with those colors.

It does get better
and easier as life goes on

and you start to get
to know yourself more

and what will trigger certain
instances of anxiety,

and where you feel comfortable
and safe, so, I would just say,

don't ever feel
like you're a weirdo for it

because we're all weirdos.

It's hard to communicate
how you're feeling about

anxiety, and this is gonna
sound very movie-like,

but how you're sort of trapped
in a box sometimes.

People-- A clear box.
People hear you and understand,

but they don't understand
through experience,

and that's when it's harder
to get through to them.

♪ When I first started ♪

♪ To feel you takin' over ♪

♪ I had no idea what to do ♪

♪ I didn't know
what I was feeling ♪

♪ I couldn't put it into words ♪

♪ But I'll tell you
how badly it hurt ♪

♪ But along the way
I found an interesting ♪

♪ Newsworthy story that ♪

♪ I am strong enough ♪

♪ To face the fears
and I am brave enough now ♪

♪ And I'm not gonna
let you control me anymore ♪

♪ I'm gonna break out
of my glass box ♪

♪ And gonna shut that door ♪