Original subtitles

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom. [laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[crunching, vacuum whirring]

[whimsical music]

- "The Shmandorians"!

- Wear clothes.

Eat food.

Burp. [all belching]

all: Pardon me!

- Work... harder.

- Another perfect Utopian day

in my perfect Utopian society, Shmandor.

Huh? [chimes]

- Mr. Shmesident, I've invented the perfect thing

for our perfect society.

I call it television.

And I want you to be the first to try it out.

- Ooh. Amazing.

[Shmandorians mumbling]

- Hi, I'm Patrick.

All: Hi, I'm Patrick.

- Today, we're playing with bombs!

All: Bombs!

[explosions]

- Oh, Shmeptune!

TV is destroying our perfect utopia.

And it's all thanks to that idiotic Patrick entity.

- But what can we do?

- Send in the Shmamandos.

- Well, shmen, this is it. Our mission is a dangerous one,

and you might not come back,

So say goodbye to your family while you still can.

- Goodbye, son, dear.

- Wait a minute. You're not my papa.

- Huh?

My apologies.

All: Bye, son, dear.

- Hug.

Boys: Papa!

All: Aww.

- Enough dilly dallying! Now march!

We have an advanced society to save.

Our mission is simple:

eliminate the Patrick entity by any means necessary.

Any questions?

Yes, soldier? - Yeah.

What's that falling out of the sky?

- Falling? [alarm blaring]

[crashing]

[all shouting]

[explosion]

- [groaning]

- Cecil Star, you're making a mess.

- Whoopsie daisy.

[all groaning]

- War... war never changes.

- I'm sorry, dear. I... oof!

- Now I get to vacuum again.

- Heave!

- It's no use, Sarge. You have to go on without me.

- We Shmamandos never leave a man behind.

Huh? Holy shmackerel!

- Ah! Sarge! - Huh?

- [screams] - No!

Shmandorian chain!

- [screaming]

Huh? - Gotcha.

[all grunting]

- Hold on!

- Ah! I... I'm slipping!

Tell my wife I love her!

- OK.

Hi. Your husband loves you.

- No!

- Hmm.

- Whoa! Whoa!

[zapping]

[both groaning]

- Shmandor is doomed if we...

hey, look, TV!

- Next, I'm gonna drain all the water from this helmet.

[laughs]

[chokes] Oof!

- Yeah! Well done.

- Wow!

- We're making TV magic here. - [gasping]

- Steady. Steady.

- Target locked.

- Fire!

[light impact, glass cracks]

- [gasps, coughs]

Whoa! If that glass didn't shatter,

I, the Patrick entity, would have been eliminated.

- Good thing you weren't,

'cause it's time for our next segment.

- Sacré bleu! Whoa!

[in exaggerated French accent] Hohn, hohn, hohn.

Je suis Patrique.

All: Hohn, hohn, hohn.

- Oh, great. Now they're French.

Can it get any worse?

- Ze French, zey love ze French bread.

[gulps]

And what goes better with French bread

than some stinky French cheese?

Viola! [buzzing]

- It's time to engage the enemy in a frontal jetpack assault.

Move out!

- For our first stinky cheese...

[buzzing] - Hmm?

Hey Patrick, just a sec.

Your mic's picking up the flies.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Send her in.

[dramatic music]

- [screams]

- [yelling]

- Foinsap!

[smacking]

- [grunting]

- Oh, it's on.

- It was an honor serving with you.

- You too.

Both: Huh? - Sarge!

- We're saved! - Not yet.

- Foinsap!

Foinsap, foinsap, foinsap, foinsap!

Foinsap! - [grunts]

[screams]

- Foinsap!

- Brace for impact!

[all yelling]

[accordion notes]

Men, to take down the target, we're down to our last option.

We're gonna attack the unprotected flank of our enemy.

Now let's move! Go, go, go, go, go!

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

[grunts]

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

- And that's why eels can't be trusted.

[dinging]

Uh-oh, it's chili dog o'clock,

a very special time where we get to see

how many chili dogs I can eat in one minute.

OK, 60 seconds on the clock.

And...

[gulping noisily]

- Don't look down, boys.

- [gulping continues]

[all gulping]

- Once we get past this purple canyon,

we'll be halfway there.

[buzzer blares]

27! I beat my old record.

[alarm blares] Huh? Uh-oh.

Now it's fart o'clock.

[alarm blares]

- Sarge? [all screaming]

[sustained farting] - [sighs]

[all shouting]

- I don't know about you, but I'm gonna hit the showers.

[farting continues]

- Pardon me.

[laughter]

[farting]

- OK, that was kind of funny.

But we're still doomed!

- Next up on the show, we're gonna...

[garbled speech]

- And then there was one.

Time to take the target down.

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

There it is, the control center!

[zapping]

- Stay tuned for...

[speaking gibberish]

[groaning]

- Patrick?

- Time to call in the reinforcements.

- [groaning]

- Attention, denizens of Shmandor.

- Attention, denizens of Shmandor.

[confused muttering]

At my signal,

you will evacuate the kingdom and destroy me!

- Uh...

- Destroy Patrick Star!

- Destroy Patrick Star!

[all yelling]

all: Destroy Patrick Star!

- Destroy Patrick Star! Destroy Patrick Star!

- You know what, Patrick?

I'm not sure this improv bit is working.

All: Destroy Patrick Star! Destroy Patrick Star!

- Destroy Patrick Star! Destroy...

all: Destroy Patrick Star!

- Destroy Patrick Star!

Destroy Patrick Star!

- Oh, great.

Patrick's covered in bugs again.

[whimsical music]

- [coughing]

- Hmm.

- [coughs] Hello?

- Wait. These aren't bugs.

- We're Shmandorians, actually, a highly advanced society.

[coughs]

Until we were corrupted by "The Patrick Show."

- I'm so sorry.

- We had no choice but to attempt to destroy Patrick.

There was no other way to stop his stupidity.

- Why didn't you just turn the TV off?

- Off?

That's brilliant!

[zapping]

I have the solution!

Just turn off "The Patrick Show," and save our...

[all yelling]

- Anyway, ready to finish the show, Patrick?

- Affirmative.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[cheerful music]

- Welcome to a spank-branding new

episode of "The Patrick Show."

Let's figure out today's topic

with the Wheel of Ideas!

[giggles]

I replaced all the topics with ice cream!

Come on, rocky road!

- Ah! Oh no! Huh?

- Huh? Ah!

[coughs]

[crashes]

- [screams]

- Huh?

[grunts]

- Patrick, look!

Today's topic isn't ice cream.

It's neighbors!

- Tartar sauce.

Patrick's Neighborhood.

[xylophone melody]

[chewing, slurping]

♪ Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, neighborhood ♪

♪ Let's explore the neighbor, neighbor, neighbor ♪

♪ Neighborhood ♪

♪ A neighbor is someone you live near ♪

Today, we're gonna go around

and ask our neighbors burning questions,

like, who are they? Why are they?

And most importantly, do they have any ice cream?

Granny Tentacles!

- Oh, wonderful.

It's those cute little kids from next door

who make my life miserable!

- Granny Tentacles, could you come out, please?

We just want to ask questions.

Like, do grandmas only eat prunes? Do prunes taste good?

Do you have any prune-flavored ice cream?

- [snarls]

I'll be with you in a minute, dearie.

I just have to freshen up.

- OK. [laughs] - Hmm.

[loud rumbling]

- Sayonara, simpletons!

[cackles]

- Gee. If she's taking this long to freshen up,

she must really be stale.

Let's come back later.

[scatting]

♪ Neighborhood, yeah ♪

I wonder who lives here.

- Hello. [applause]

- Slappy!

I didn't know you lived so close.

- Oh, I have to live close to my favorite celebrity.

[snickers eerily]

Come. Make yourself comfortable.

- So, Slappy, how long have you been living here?

- Oh, about 45 seconds.

[snickers]

[door opens]

- You again?

- [snickers]

Well, nice talking to you.

I have to run.

[snickers eerily]

Whoa!

Oh... - Scram!

- [laughing nervously]

- Well, then. Um...

so neighbor.

- [growls]

- Do people often break into your house?

Are you housebroken?

I see you've got some groceries.

Do you by chance have any ice cream?

[yelling] Neighborhood!

[splats]

[both grunt] - Ooh.

I always wondered about this snail-shaped house.

[rings, hisses]

- [muffled speech]

- Hiya, Snail Lady.

[snails meowing]

Wow. I love your décor.

- You sure are... [chuckles]

Dedicated to a theme.

[doorbell rings] both: Huh?

- Snail mail for the Snail Lady.

[snails hissing]

[buzzing]

They don't pay me enough for this.

- So tell me, Snail Lady,

why snails?

- [muffled speech]

- You know, we'd hear you better without the scarf.

- [meows]

[meowing]

- Put some clothes on, lady! This is a family show.

[snails hissing]

[both yelling]

Neighborhood! Neighborhood!

[both panting]

Hmm. [grunts]

- Uh, Patrick, that sign says "beware of..."

- Come on! - Whoa!

[classical melody]

Whoa, fancy place.

I wonder who lives here.

- Let's find out.

I'll knock.

[humming]

- Um, Patrick. The door's over there.

- Hello?

- [barking] - Ah!

- Hey, kiddos. Both: Dad?

- What are you doing dressed like that?

- My new job.

I just got hired as a guard dog for this fancy house.

- Whoa.

That sounds like killer interview material.

Tell us more.

- Oh, I'm sorry, son.

I'm on guard duty.

And you guys are technically trespassers, so.

[barking]

[loud chomp] - Ah!

- [barking]

See you at dinner, kids.

- ♪ Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor, neighbor ♪

♪ Neighborhood ♪

[grunts]

♪ Let's explore the neighbor, neighbor ♪

♪ Neighbor, neighborhood ♪

Woo! [chuckles]

[knocks]

- Oh, hey, Patrick.

- Bedroom Door? What are you doing here?

- Your bedroom's just my 9:00 to 5:00, but I live here.

Come inside and meet the family.

- Family?

That means they must have ice cream!

- Whoa!

- Patrick, Squidina, these are my children,

Doreen, and Isadore,

our pet, Fi-door. - [barks]

- And of course, my wife, Dorothy.

- Aw. What an a-door-able family.

[both chuckling]

- Well, I am happy to see you, Patrick.

But uh, well, we were just about to sit down to dinner.

- [panting]

- Hmm. I don't see any ice cream.

Yeah, I think we're done here.

- Ow! Not so hard, son.

- Dad?

[unzips] both: Dad?

- Shh!

That's right, kids. This is my other new job.

- Cecil, what did I tell you about talking to guests

while you're on the clock?

- Uh, slam!

Knock, knock. Creak!

- Glad I don't have a job.

♪ Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor ♪

♪ Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor ♪

♪ Neighbor, neighbor, neighbor ♪

[thunder crashes] [wolf howls]

- Um, maybe we don't have to meet

everyone in the neighborhood, Patrick.

- No way!

Our legions of fans are counting on us

to give them a show.

- He's right, you know. - OK.

I guess the show must go on.

[banging]

- You again?

Enough of your stupid questions already.

Now, go away!

- Weird. I don't remember interviewing him before.

Huh. He sure wasn't being very neighborly.

- Time to turn on the Star family charm.

[grunts]

♪ Charm ♪

Huh? Neighbor?

Where'd you go?

[spooky music]

- [gasps]

- There you are, neighbor!

What's your name?

What's your deepest, darkest secret?

Do you like spaghetti?

Do you have any... - Jeez!

I thought I told you to leave me alone!

- Ice cream?

- Look, more neighbors.

- Oh! How many toenails do you have?

Do you like prog rock? Do you have any...

where do they keep running off to?

- There's another.

- [screams]

- Do you have any very close veins?

You're not getting away this time!

[grunting]

- Patrick! [grunts]

- So what do you do for a living?

What's the meaning of life?

How do you spell arugula?

[both grunting]

- Whoa!

[eerie music]

- [roars]

- A big, gross space alien! - Huh?

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- [screams]

- Granny Tentacles?

- [snickering]

Oh!

- Slappy?

Snail Lady?

Half-eaten mailman?

- [roars]

both: All our neighbors are alien puppets?

[bell dings]

- That means I get to interview an alien!

[laughs]

[grunting]

- Huh?

- Where are you from, space neighbor?

How long have you been here? What's your favorite sock?

And most importantly, do you have any ice cream?

- Ugh! I can't take it anymore!

This guy is so annoying,

with his neighborhood songs and his mind-numbing questions.

[mockingly] "Doh, uh, how are you doing?"

"Ooh, what's your favorite color?"

"Where's my ice cream?"

Ah, yeesh!

- This guy is really not neighborly.

- I am outta here!

I left my planet to get away from neighbors,

not meet newer, dumber ones!

[dramatic music]

[whooshing]

- Oh, my.

Well, there goes the neighborhood.

- Ah, who needs 'em?

- Well, everyone,

I think we learned a very important lesson:

never trust your neighbors,

'cause they'll just turn out to be a bunch of tentacles

connected to some big, weird alien monster.

- I've been saying that for years.

[bell dings] Who wants ice cream?

- [giggles]

Finally! At long last.

[unzips] - Hey, son.

Can you believe it?

This is my other, other new job.

- [chomps]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

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