Original subtitles

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom. [laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- Perch Perkins here live at the premiere

of "The Patrick Show" season two.

Let's take a look.

- Are you ready

for season two?

[people chanting] Season two! Season two!

♪ ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪

- And that's the entire season two budget.

Sorry, everybody.

[grunts]

[all scream]

[zany music]

[together] What?

♪ ♪

[indistinct disappointed chatter]

- Are we really out of money, Squidina?

- That's right, Patrick. TV shows are expensive.

We're gonna need some pretty creative episode ideas

to fill out the season.

- Oh, how about an all Cecil episode?

- Or a Halloween special about the horrors of dust.

- I... - Wait!

Does anyone else smell that? [sniffing]

Aha!

Copyright infringement.

- When does the show start, mister?

- Pirated Patrick paraphernalia.

[gasps] Bootleg balloons.

Hmm.

Check out my sweet merch haul. [chuckles]

- [gasps]

GrandPat, you just figured out how to fund season two!

- Stealing from children? - No.

We'll sell official "Patrick Show" merchandise.

- What's the difference? - Roll commercial.

- Hey, kids, are you bored?

[both groan] Uh-huh.

- Well, check this out.

- Whoa! - What?

[together] Wow!

- Pat the Hapless and Beelzebass

as you've never seen them before.

Our hero comes with his very own battle axe.

[triumphant music]

- [laughs] Yeah!

- But the evil Beelzebass uses his pits of despair.

- [screams]

♪ ♪

- And don't forget all action figures

come with unique smells.

Pat the Hapless and Beelzebass toys

come with all you see here.

Batteries and trauma kit not included.

- These doohickeys seem a little dangerous, don't they?

[screams] Oh.

Oh, my. - Yeah.

But they're selling like hotcakes.

- [chuckles]

[screams] My eyes!

- Welcome back to the Star Home Shopping Network.

We've got some gorgeous paintings

on sale today all done by Patrick himself.

These are "Rainy Monday on a Tuesday"

and "Self Portrait."

And this one is titled, "The Number Three."

Our operators are standing by to take your orders.

Patrick, we need more art!

[soft dramatic music]

Uh, uh, uh, oh.

♪ ♪

[laughs]

- Ooh, oh.

Time is running out. Call now.

- [snoring]

- Hey, adults dressed as kids

'cause we couldn't afford more real children.

Are you ready to taste something

that will change your life? - Radical!

- I'm not sure if I'm ready.

- Then prepare yourselves for Frosted Patrick Show Cereal.

Part of this complete breakfast.

[both gasp]

- [munching]

Oh, did you guys want some?

- Well, I mean, no, I...

- I got another one for you!

Oopsie Doodle, Just Prizes!

It's jam-packed with the best part of a cereal box,

the prizes.

[both munch]

[both groaning]

- Part of this mostly edible breakfast.

- And we're back.

Here to bring you a new shopportunity

is Captain Quasar.

- Captain Quasar here to sell you something

very special. [grunts]

It's Pat-Tron. - Wow.

What can he do?

He can prepare a gourmet meal in seconds.

[bright music]

He can power wash your car. - [chirping and beeping]

♪ ♪

- And he can even take care of your baby.

- I ain't no baby, but I could use a change.

- [humming and crackling]

- This allegedly useful

and only slightly very dangerous device

isn't going for $20 or even $10.

Actually, I'll pay you to take this guy off my hands.

Oh, please.

- Shmandor, miniature city of glass

can now be yours for a limited time.

All: Whoa.

- Have minutes of fun

observing and feeding the little fellas.

[all screaming]

- [laughing deeply]

[laughing]

- We've got a brand-new product,

official "Patrick Show" T-shirts

featuring instant delivery.

- All thanks to our new military grade T-shirt cannon.

[martial music]

- Oh, I would like...

oh.

- You get a shirt, and you get a shirt,

and you!

[together] Thanks, Patrick!

- I'd like a shirt for my wife,

my son, my daughter, and one for me.

Why not?

Oh, Bermuda shorts. - [gasps]

Are you okay? - Yeah.

[coughs]

I'm just more of a long pants guy.

Bleh.

- I hate to cut this short... - Ow!

- But even reporters need to make a buck.

[growls]

- Wait a sec, you don't even wear shorts.

- This just in, things are about to get breezy.

[laughs]

- Oh! Oh! - [continues laughing]

- [screams] - Ha, ha!

Incoming, 100% denim!

- [screams]

Time to tee up a shirt-pocalypse.

[screams]

- Huh? What?

[heavy rock music]

[whimpering]

♪ ♪

- Whoa!

- Here at the Better Business Bureaucracy,

I, Bobby Babbington, have been getting too many phone calls

about unsafe products from an obscure television show.

- [screaming]

- Oh?

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star, and you found all my toys!

- [grumbling]

- We get it, you've got places to be,

and that means you only have four seconds

for a haircut.

That's why you need

the Patrick Star Brand Hair Chipper.

Gently ease your head in like so and...

[machinery grinds]

- Whoa. - Oh, wow.

- Wow. - Yeah.

[soft dramatic music]

- Time to confiscate.

♪ ♪

Battle axes, rusty nail ouchie dolls?

Bunny Star Brand Tattoo Kits? - Ah.

- No! - Aww.

- Next up, "The Patrick Show" Uranium Playset.

- [chuckles] - Everybody, quick!

That's Bobby Babbington from Binky Bottom's Banana Blather,

and he's coming to take our dangerous stuff.

- Oh, that's awful. What do we do?

- Go to commercial, quick!

- Huh?

- Hey, kids. - Oh?

- Still bored? - [groans]

[together] Yeah.

- Well, check this out. - Huh?

[together] Wow!

- The Bobby Babbington of the Bikini Bottom

Better Business Bureaucracy Action Figure

bursts into battle! - Toys are dangerous!

I'm coming to take yours away!

- Bobby Babbington really fills out paperwork.

- We'll need this in triplicate.

- May I see that? - Oh, sure.

- I always wanted to be a toy.

- Bobby comes in with his own built-in document stapler.

♪ ♪

Ah!

- Oh, no.

- You're not gonna take away our toy, are you, mister?

- That...

that was the first thing I've felt in years.

Here's your toy back, kids.

- Yay! - Hooray!

- And here's everyone else's toys back!

I was wrong! Safety doesn't matter!

[together] Yay!

[all scream]

- Here you go! There!

There! For you!

Here, one for the baby!

- We did it, everyone.

Through the power of merchandising,

we funded season two.

- And then some.

Say, how much money did we end up making anyhow?

- Oh, I got it!

[zany music]

[together] Whoa! Oh!

- Let's use the official

"Patrick Show" Brand Money Counter.

[laughs]

- But we never made a "Patrick Show" Brand Money Counter.

- What?

- I can't hear you

over the "Patrick Show" Brand Money Counter.

That ought to do the trick.

So how rich are we?

♪ ♪

Oh.

- You know, maybe there's a lesson here.

- Yeah, maybe TV shows shouldn't just be about

selling stuff and making money.

- Maybe they're really about making art.

- Right, and making people happy and...

oh, whoa, oh, whoa.

[all screaming]

- [laughing deeply]

- Order your highly collectible "Patrick Show"

snow globe today. - Yeah!

- Must be 800 years or older to call.

- [snoring]

- Huh?

- Patrick Star, come on down!

- [screams]

Uh...

what's going on?

- You guessed it!

[cheers and applause]

You're on "What's Going On?"

Show him what he's won.

It's game show host in a bottle!

Just one spray, and you'll be hosting all day!

- Oh, wow.

- And as an added bonus, you also get...

huh? [sighs]

My job?

It's okay. I didn't deserve it anyway.

[sobbing]

- Game show host in a bottle?

Hmm.

[grunts] Uh-huh!

All right, let's go find our first contestants!

[upbeat music]

- I just love making TV dinners.

Hmm, it could use a bit more of some...

- Mom and Dad!

You're the contestants on our first game!

"Expired"!

- Ooh. - Ooh, wow.

- The rules are simple.

Guess what you just ate and when it went bad.

Mom Star is up first.

[audience gasps]

- [munches] [gulps]

Hmm. Oh, oh, oh!

Is it lasagna 1812?

- Oh, sorry, I'm afraid we were looking for

grilled cheese, the crustacean period.

Next up, Dad Star.

[foghorn blows]

- [sniffs]

Smells dead-licious.

[grunts]

Bleh!

[audience gasps]

[dolphin chirps]

- Looks like we don't have a winner,

but you'll both go home with a...

Gastropump 3000 stomach pump!

If it's poison you ingest, get the best!

Gastropump 3000.

- Ah, I'm almost done carving my portrait

on a grain of rice.

Talk about chiseled abs. [chuckles]

- Surprise!

[audience groans]

- [growls] Dagnabbit!

Boy, why I ought to... - Congratulations!

You're the next contestant on...

- [screams]

- "Explody Fold." The rules are simple.

While you were sleeping,

I hid bombs in your wrinkle folds...

- What?

- And you have to find them before they blow up!

[whimsical music]

- Oh, I hate game shows.

Well, let's get this over with.

[grunts]

Yipee!

Hm, ah. Oh, look.

Aha!

- 99, one trillion. Found you, little brother!

- Start over! I wasn't ready!

- Keep looking!

Your time is almost up.

- I've looked everywhere,

and I found a surprising amount of stuff,

but no bombs.

- I wonder which folds are holding it.

Hmm.

That was "Explody Fold."

Now let's meet our next contestant.

[eerie music]

- Come on, people, learn your lines!

Time is money!

- Squidina Star!

You get to play...

- Huh?

♪ ♪

- "Terrible Clausaly-me"!

- It's called "Temporal Causality."

- Hey, everybody, it's our resident brainiac,

Sandy Cheeks!

- Temporal causality is when you go into the past

to alter an object in the present.

Today's object, the common coffee cup.

We take you back to the invention

of the first coffee cup.

[electronic music]

[dinosaurs screeching]

[dramatic music]

- Now go ahead and change the present!

Audience: Change the present!

♪ ♪

- Me make coffee cup.

♪ ♪

- Sorry, Cave Star

I want to win the game show. [grunts]

- Hm?

[screams]

Oh.

Mmm.

- Did it work? - Nope!

It's the same old cup.

Try again. - Uh!

- The Renaissance.

- [grunts]

- What happened? - I'm thinking.

- Nope. [buzzer blares]

- Oh!

- Nope. [buzzer blares]

Nope. [buzzer blares]

Nuh-uh. [buzzer blares]

Yep. Just kidding.

Nope. [buzzer blares]

Nope, nope. - Darn.

I smashed up all of history, but nothing's changed.

I mean, the coffee cup didn't change.

- Help me. - I'll fix this.

Is everything back to normal?

- Yeah, mostly.

- This coffee cup isn't going anywhere.

On to our next game! Whee-hee!

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- Next up, an extreme obstacle course

with Bikini Bottom's fittest...

- Uh-oh, what's this?

[engines rumbling]

Looks like your family is pretty annoyed at you

for terrorizing them

with a bunch of your stupid game shows.

So that means it's time to play...

"Battle of the Game Show Hosts."

The game where your family lets you know

the fun and games are over.

- [screams]

[screaming]

- Let's start with round one,

and it's the lightning round!

- [screams]

- Don't you regret making your parents

eat that rotten food?

- A little, but it got good ratings.

- Wrong! - [grunting]

- Next question.

- Don't you got anything better to do

than hide bombs in my sensitive skin?

- Uh, not usually.

- And Patrick, how could you...

oh, this thing's filthy.

[vacuum whirring]

- Oh, eeh, oh!

- All right, game's over.

So what'll it be, door number one?

[people screaming]

- Or door number two?

- [screams]

I choose door number exit!

[tense music]

[screams]

[upbeat music]

Hey, I won a jetpack.

[laughs]

- And with that, I'm your host, Cecil Star.

- Oh, I thought I was gonna be the host.

I got all dolled up just for the occasion.

- But I have the most showbiz experience.

It should be me! - I'm older than dirt.

I have seniority.

- Why don't we let the audience decide?

That's right, you at home.

Yell now.

- Yeah, just scream the name of your favorite host

real loud, and then we'll hear it.

- We can't hear you. Louder.

- That's the ticket. Keep screaming!

- Louder! - Louder!

[all screaming indistinctly]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[together] Huh?

[footsteps thudding]

- Run! - [growls]

- Huh? - Huh?

♪ ♪

- [roars]

[all scream]

- Wait, is that the coffee cup?

I did change it! I won my game!

♪ ♪

- And we're back.

[all screaming] - Run!

- [screams]

♪ ♪

What's going on?

- We turned that coffee cup into a giant monster.

- Patrick, is that you?

- Sorry about all the dumb games, Dad.

- That's okay, son.

But now we gotta stop this monster

as a family.

- You're right.

Star family,

super hyper host formation, go!

[energetic electronic music]

♪ ♪

- Dang blasted thing! Oh!

♪ ♪

Oh, it stinks back here.

♪ ♪

- [roars]

♪ ♪

[roars]

♪ ♪

- [screaming] - [roaring]

[all screaming]

- Oh, my levers don't do anything!

[watches beeping]

- Hm? Coffee break.

[relaxed music]

Huh? [sniffs]

Single origin light roast. Don't mind if I do.

♪ ♪

Ah. - [laughs]

He's always cranky before he gets his coffee.

- You know how it is.

Now that I'm feeling better, let's play a game.

It's called "The End."

- The end.

- The end is correct! We have a winner!

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