All language subtitles for The Kardashians - S01E02.en

KIM: Previously on The Kardashians...

(BOTH SQUEALING)

- Look at you!
- Let's rub our bellies.

This is a relationship
that I don't think anybody saw coming.

I definitely saw this coming.

Hey, you can't. You can't.

All I need is just to be acknowledged.

- Right.
- Do I even mean anything to anyone?

Oh, my God, I'm hosting SNL.

They were like, "Can you sing?" No.

"Can you dance?" Nope.
"Can you act?" No.

There's more footage from the sex tape
that's been out there.

And it said, "Kim's new sex tape,"
when you clicked on it.

And it's like, over my dead body,

is this (BLEEP) shit going
to happen to me again?

So Ray J's manager is claiming

he has a sex tape of us
in Santa Barbara.

I'm trying to pack for SNL, and now
I have to deal with this sex tape drama.

Nineteen years,
this has been held over my head.

This is the shit that I did
when I was young, and I need to own it.

That was 20 years ago.
I didn't know what to do.

I had no money
and I did not know what to do.

I have all the time, all the money,

and all of the resources
to burn them all to the (BLEEP) ground.

I'll do everything in my power to
protect myself and to protect my kids.

So I'm not gonna be shamed
by this and, like, bullied.

Don't you think you should call the guy

and say, I just want you to know
that this guy

is not the rightful owner of anything?

We don't know what this is.

This could be really, really bad.

So the best thing I can do
is stay positive,

make sure everybody stays calm,
and just keep things moving.

I'm about to get
all my attorneys involved,

to sue the (BLEEP) out of these (BLEEP).

Guys. I love you, but I have a meeting.

Keep me posted. Okay?

- Okay.
- Sorry. We didn't help you pack, Kim.

If you need us to help you
with your looks or anything, we can...

No, not about the looks.

If she needs emotional support.

But she's got to pack the suitcase,

- so she can leave.
- She's fine.

If you need me to come over
after True goes to bed, I can come over.

- I'm not doing anything.
- Thank you.

All right. We love you, Kim.

- Love you, Joge.
- Love you, guys.

KRIS: Let us know if you need us, okay?
KIM: Okay.

(SOFT SONG PLAYING)

Don't quit dreaming until

Every dream comes to life

Life

Just keep holding on

It's all a matter of time...

I really wanted to see
the houses in Malibu.

Me too.

- But I like looking at houses with you.
- Me too.

Travis and I currently live
in separate homes,

a block away from each other.

And we just want to,
like, explore the idea

of living in one home.

This is cute.

This is a cute vibe.

We're so in love
with our homes right now,

and where we live,

that it's going to be really hard
to find something to beat that.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

- How are you? Good to see you.
- How you doing? Good to see you.

TOMER: So this is actually one of
the most important estates in Bel Air.

It was built in 1934
for a really prominent family.

We'll walk on through.

But it's got that really beautiful
pedigree look, from the '30s.

KOURTNEY: This house has
a really cool style.

It kind of reminds me of, like,

old Hollywood, Frank Sinatra vibes,
like, which is so us.

- This is Mason's room?
- Mmm-hmm.

KOURTNEY: Alabama's. Landon's room.

BARKER: This is Ati's room.

- Yeah, and there's even a nice closet.
- BARKER: I like that.

I could see us all,
like, laying on the couch

and watching movies
and cooking together.

KOURTNEY: My parents had
a setup like this, growing up.

With two separate sides.

BARKER: Well, she's definitely
got the better side.

You should try them on.

- No, no.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

TOMER: So the pool has
fiber optic lighting.

It lights up at night.

- KOURTNEY: Cool.
- It's really pretty.

- Yeah, so.
- KOURTNEY: Yeah.

Oh, my God, people were, like,
pissed about the Disneyland video...

- Why?
- ...of me on you.

They were just like,
"Who's taking the video?"

You guys are at Disneyland.
There's kids.

- We're like, "It's our tour guide."
- There's kids.

Kissing and hugging is not a bad thing.

I'm actually grateful
that my kids can see

a loving, affectionate relationship

because they haven't seen
that their whole lives.

I just think
people have trouble understanding

how two people
can be so in love and affectionate.

- 'Cause they're (BLEEP) miserable.
- Yeah.

- Totally.
- That's why.

KOURTNEY: Yeah, he was like,
"You guys are..."

BARKER: These two are making out
in the backyard.

Do you love me now
When it hurts so bad

Better tell me now
Do you love me now

Like, all these paparazzi were standing
out of their cars taking pictures,

and I was like, "How did they even know
I was coming up the hill?"

I think they're just
waiting for you, babe.

But out of their cars?

It was so strange,
it made me so paranoid.

And no one knew I was coming home.
So, like...

- Yeah.
- I don't know who would have told on me.

- They're just hoping, I think.
- It was just like...

So annoying,
that was the strangest thing.

Is Kyles home?

I don't know.
I just got to pick something up.

MALIKA: I love this.

Her chickens.
She brings me eggs every week.

- MALIKA: She's so cute.
- She has chickens over here.

- Oh, there's eggs.
- They're so cute.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Mind (BLEEP) isn't it?

- I don't know.
- I think it was the chicken.

How did it get here?

God. God made humans
and then humans produce eggs.

I think God made chickens
and then chickens produce eggs.

- Sure.
- I have to believe something.

- I have to believe in something.
- Yeah.

I don't know.

Hey, me and Malika are in your backyard.

Where is what you wanted me to pick up?

Okay. Bye. She said her security
will bring it to me.

- Okay.
- In a sec.

Do you want to just sit while they're...

MALIKA: Sure.

KHLOÉ: I definitely
need to tell you this.

The other night, you just can't even,
like, make this shit up, it's wild.

Me, Kim, Kourt, my mom,
we're all, like, in Kim's closet,

and this guy somehow

had access to Kim's sex tape.

There was other footage

that was never released,
or something like that.

And so Kim, of course, is stressing.

You know, it sucks.

You don't want to do SNL
if you know this is coming.

- You have to... It's just...
- Right.

The whole thing is so (BLEEP).

No, but she's got to block
the noise 100%...

- I know.
- ...and you've got to make sure of that.

She's going to do great.

Kim doesn't sign on
for things if she, like, doubts herself.

Kim doesn't fail, babe.

Yeah, she doesn't.

She just doesn't.

Kourt is not going to SNL,
so Scott's going to come,

and before my mom and I fly to SNL,
I have to do James Corden.

I just have such anxiety about going.

Like, just, it's never the interview,

it's more the aftermath, like,

now you have to
listen to everybody say this

or judge you or overanalyze
something you say, or pick this apart.

It's just, like, social media
used to be, you know, fun and silly.

There is definitely always trolls.

And now it's...
Everything is so critical.

The way I look.
My situation with Tristan.

Is my hair done the right way?

What is she doing?

That laugh. That this.
Oh, my gosh, she said this.

I think I've gotten to the point that
it's literally safer to stay at home.

This shit used to be fun.

You're totally, sort of like,
gaslighting yourself.

You're making up
all these scenarios that

- who even knows is happening.
- You know, it's kind of like a killjoy.

With all those paparazzi today,

swear I was having
a heart attack, literally.

I thought I was having
a heart attack today.

I mean, anxiety is real.

And the amount of criticism and scrutiny

that you have to deal with
is also very real.

But, I do like that you do deal.

Because you really
could run away and disappear,

and decide you don't want this
to be your life anymore

because someone doesn't have
something nice to say to you.

But then, you'd ruin everything
you ever worked for.

Yes.

Saying a mantra like,
"(BLEEP) the haters. Tune them out."

Yes, I think that is
obviously everyone's goal.

But it's so much easier said than done.

I do want to know if there's therapy
for, like, overthinking.

You might need to take a deep breath.

I took a beta blocker earlier,
so I'm sort of...

Wait, your mom gave you that?

Yeah. My God.

Absolutely.

Stressful week.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Are you going to be excited
that I'm doing Saturday Night Live?

Yeah.

'Cause you're my best hype-woman.

(LAUGHS)

I won't do that on stage, I promise.

Have the best day today, guys.

- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.

I'm in New York
and I just have so much to do this week.

I don't think people really get
how insane SNL is,

and what the schedule's like.

I mean, you come in on a Monday,
and you have, like, these meetings

where they pitch things to you.

Tuesday is sketch pitches.

Wednesday is the table-read,
where you read like 40 sketches.

Thursday, filming of pre-tapes,

Friday, we start at 5:00 a.m.

Saturday is showtime.

It's a machine.

I really want this moment.

I don't want to be thinking
and stressing about something else.

Like, I have a lot on my mind.

- Hello.
- KRIS: Hey, honey.

Did you find out
what that blogger was going to leak?

No. You really can't worry about it.

You're doing SNL right now.

That's what you need to focus on.

And, I would put your energy there,

and this too shall pass.

All right. Well, I'm going to go
finish getting ready.

- I love you. - Okay.

Today is going to be a great day.
You're going to kick ass at SNL.

And I can't wait to see
how the day goes.

Oh, my God, me, too.
I'll call you later and let you know.

Okay. Keep me posted.

Okay. Love you. Bye.

Love you, too.

I mean, my mom's obviously right,
like, I can't stress about something

that I have no control over any more.

But it is easier said than done.

Wait. So what are you...
What are you doing today?

- I'm going to meet Amy Schumer.
- Okay.

And we're just...
She's been, like, the most support.

She's literally the...
just the funniest.

But just giving me advice
and, like, girl pep talk.

Because sometimes I'm like, "Why the
(BLEEP) did I sign on to do this?

Like, I can't do this.

Like, why did I do this?

So, what's the deal with Kanye?
Is he coming?

Yeah, he's here already.

He literally took
a coach commercial flight.

Stop.

Sat, like,
in the seat next to the bathroom.

Kanye is in New York to support me,

but we also have, like,
set some serious boundaries,

like, Kanye and I are staying
at separate hotels.

I've been really clear with him,

as far as, like,
where we stand in our relationship.

Just, "super drama free,"
is the vibe for this week.

He said he didn't sleep all night long,
just so that he can get in town

early enough to meet up with Dave,

and, like, go over jokes
and really like help and...

Dave introduced us to this comedian,
Michelle Wolf,

who is so funny.

We've all been, like,
on this thread about the monologue,

and what jokes are funny,
and what we should take out.

And we've all, kind of like,
collaborated on it.

I cannot believe that
he's helping you the way that he is.

But how are you feeling?

- When did Tristan leave?
- Sunday.

He was just in Sacramento
playing the Clippers or something.

Okay, think about it.

He just, like,
doesn't have his whole world.

- I know.
- He is here in LA.

- So it's a tough thing.
- I bet.

I am on my way to do
the James Corden talk show.

Malika's coming
for my emotional support.

Because I do get a lot of anxiety
by doing talk shows these days.

MALIKA: What I remember
about the last time

- you did this show when I went with you.
- Yeah.

You sat at the table and he asked you

some insane questions,
or you had to eat something nasty.

- I'm not doing that.
- I was gonna...

- Not happening this time?
- No.

You put an eyeball in your mouth.

I just bit it,
and then I literally spit it out.

It was the nastiest thing
I've ever done.

CORDEN: You've got this.

I think I might throw up,
though, if I eat more.

You know what, though,
that would be wonderful for our ratings.

No, you're not going to do it.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I feel obviously much better
just, just talking it through.

And, like,
it's so easy for people to say,

"You don't know them,
don't pay attention."

- Or, "Did it..."
- Yeah.

Trust me, I try not to,
but when you're walking down the street,

and then even paparazzi
is heckling at you,

the same things
that you're trying to avoid,

it's so deteriorating on your...

...self-esteem, your confidence,
the way that you view yourself.

And even, like anxiety,
to post photos on Instagram,

I'm just anxious. Even when I'm like,
I barely did retouching,

when I'm so afraid to post it
'cause people are gonna say I did this.

It's like... (EXCLAIMS)

You ever think you just tell
a couple of people to (BLEEP) off

and it might actually make you
feel better and people will back off.

Why did Tristan say
the exact same thing?

- I just...
- It was like, "What happened to you?"

Malika and Tristan in have this ability
that they're able to ground me.

I feel like
that's one of the reasons

why I'm so drawn to the both of them.

He's like, "You used to tell
people to (BLEEP) off."

All of us got a (BLEEP) off
at one point or another.

And they're strangers,
tell them all to (BLEEP) off.

You're right. You're 100% right.

I think I need a therapist.

Hey, it's a good day

For a good day

Uh-huh, uh-huh

Okay, so after Saturday, I have about
20... 17 days to take the bar.

So I'm going to go.
I'll take Sunday off...

...and just really, really,
really go for it.

10-12-hour days.

As important as SNL is,

it's more important
that I study for the baby bar

because I have
one last chance to pass it.

And then I can't take it again.

So much better.

I need to get more confident
at my essays,

but this is my last chance.

You're going to pass it,
I'm not worried.

(TRACY SPEAKING)

Yeah. I'll be eliminated
if I don't pass this time.

KIM: Hello.

SCHUMER: Oh... Hi.

- Are you here?
- Oh, my God, this place.

Isn't this... This is my palace.

- Hi.
- It's amazing.

- Thanks for coming.
- I miss you. How are you?

I miss you. I'm so good.
I'm so excited for you.

- Come on, let's...
- My God!

KIM: Amy Schumer and I have been friends
for a few years now.

Of course, she's like, so funny

that I want her to hear what I have

as my, like, final monologue,
and see what she thinks.

And I feel really good about it,

and I'm honestly not nervous.

That's like, the one thing
that I'm not nervous about.

I'm so excited about this.

You know, writing jokes

- is my favorite thing in the world.
- I know.

That's what everyone says is,
you're the best.

I'm the joke person,
but you're like the best

- at taking jokes.
- Yeah.

Like I... Why are you so great at that?

Like I did roasts,
and it was too hurtful.

- I, like, couldn't do it anymore, yeah.
- I know.

Wait, let me get one.

There you go. Okay, there we go.

What a romantic moment.

- How are you feeling?
- Do you want to read it?

- I want to see the latest.
- From my phone, so you can see the...

Yeah.

So I feel like you should
read the one on my phone.

Okay, let's do it.

I don't want too many
Kanye jokes. But...

- No. I think like a really, like, one...
- One good one.

- One is a great...
- Totally.

So there's, like, two or three in here.

- So I'm gonna take this one out.
- Let's pick the best.

- This one says...
- Is this Chappelle?

Michelle Wolf.

Great. I love Michelle Wolf.

- She's hilarious.
- Yeah.

She's a murderer.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Dave Chappelle suggested
that I work with Michelle Wolf,

who's like the funniest comedian.

And she's really helping me
write my monologue.

"Hey, guys, it's so great to be here
hosting Saturday Night Live.

"I know. I'm surprised
to see me here, too.

"When they asked, I was like,
'You want me to host?

"'Why? I haven't had a movie premiere
in a really long time.

"'Actually, I've only had
that one movie come out,

"'and no one even told me
it was premiering.

"'It must have slipped my mom's mind.'"

Wait, what was the movie?

My sex tape.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Thank you. Great.

(LAUGHS)

- But the joke on the Internet...
- Yes.

...was that my mom had to,
she's my manager, she had to broker it.

And there's a lot of, like,
kind of, sex tape drama happening now.

Where like, people are saying that

maybe there's a little bit more
from 20 years ago.

Is there a part of you that's like,
"Let's get that out.

"'Cause it, probably it's pretty hot?"

If someone had a video of me,
like, (BLEEP) 20 years ago,

I'd be like, "Can we get that out?"

Because if it were today,
you know, it's different, but...

But okay, so what's the...

- So I was really upset.
- Yeah.

And then I was, like, (BLEEP) losers.

- Do it and I'll sue you or whatever.
- Right.

And... I just can't, like, I have
to just take my power back on that.

- Yeah.
- This was 20 years ago.

Yeah, like, please.

So I think, even like,
taking the air out of those people,

like just starting off with
that is kind of funny,

without being super, like, "sex tape."

I think I just wouldn't do
any sex tape stuff.

- Really?
- Because this moment in time, like,

this piece of, like,
art or whatever will live on.

And people might not remember it.

- Like, it's not...
- Not that relevant?

I don't think you need
to even give it any... Yeah.

"I know I have privilege,
but I still struggle.

"Like most of the things that I wear,
it's really hard to pee.

"It's like a whole ordeal.

"Let's put it this way.
If R. Kelly dressed like me...

Oh, my God.

"...he may have stayed out of trouble."

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

- It's too long.
- Yeah.

It's a long way to go for...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay, "Oh, Khloé,

"you have the biggest heart.

"It's so big,

"it has room for Tristan
and all of his side pieces."

Oh, shit.

"And Khris.
Khris, you're not one of my sisters.

"That's not a joke.
I just thought I'd remind, you."

No.

Okay.

The one thing I thought I had and was
so confident in, is my monologue.

So, I'm a little confused now.

- I really want...
- I am not obsessed with that.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- But, let's keep going, yeah.
- Okay.

So I think I can take out, like,
that whole middle chunk.

I think so, too, yeah.

Add in what you were saying,

- at the beginning.
- Yeah.

Okay, then it goes into this,
which you'll think is funny.

"Something I'm really proud of is that
no one can ever call me a gold digger.

"Honestly, I'm not even sure
how you become one.

"But I asked Corey,
and he said that a good place to start,

"is getting a job in my mom's security."

That's funny.

Calling Corey a gold digger is so funny.

But you've got to pause for that laugh.

You know what I mean?

So I asked Corey, and then
give it a beat and let people laugh.

"I really want people to know
that I'm more than just a pretty face,

"and good hair and a great makeup,
terrific boobs and an amazing butt."

If you make it sound like the list is
always about to end, but it goes on...

Yeah.

I think,
like, just choosing the funniest...

- Yeah.
- ...strongest stuff.

Today was the first day
I had a little bit of anxiety.

- Just like...
- And what is it, like, from?

- Like what do you...
- Just like,

- "Oh, shit, this is happening."
- Right.

- You know?
- Yeah.

- It's... but it's...
- Yeah.

It's going to be great.

It's so cool that you're doing it.

Like, everyone I know is, like,

"That's so badass that she's doing it."

To me, it's, like, you're just someone

who wants to, like, enjoy their life
and, like, have every experience.

- Yeah.
- And that's what it's about.

That really is what it's about.

And you can even say that.
You could be like,

'cause I don't know
if you guys know,

but I don't need the
exposure from this show.

- Like, you know?
- Yeah.

Like, I'm not hoping
to get discovered tonight.

- Yeah.
- If anything, you know, usually I'm...

I have 250 million followers,
if anything,

tonight, I just wanted some intimacy
with some close friends.

Yes.

You know, you've been so supportive.

Like even when I'm like,
"Why the (BLEEP) am I doing this?

You're like,
"'Cause you're a gangster."

- Yeah.
- You're doing this.

- Yeah.
- And I'm like, "Okay, I am. I got it."

'Cause, anything you're scared of,
is an opportunity.

It's, like, so exciting.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I call the shots, call the shots

Watch me

Lights camera VIP
Photo flash what you see

I'm a boss guaranteed
Keep your eyes on me

- KRIS: Hey!
- Hi, Mom.

Hi, Kris.

Where's the star of the show today?

I heard this is the first show
back with an audience.

Oh, stop.

Yeah, there's a full audience out there.

Oh, gosh, yeah.

They're already chanting, "Khloé!

- "Khloé!"
- "Khloé! Khloé!"

Are you kidding or being serious?

- There's a major audience.
- Not the chanting, but the audience.

- Yeah, I'm serious.
- Oh, gosh.

When I heard that I didn't want
to just call you and tell you,

I thought I'd come down
and check on you,

and see if you were gonna be okay
with your anxiety.

- KHLOÉ: Oh, lovely.
- You're going to do so great.

Oh, I see we brought
the champagne out already.

KHLOÉ: Yes.

Do you want one of my beta blockers?

- I love those.
- I know, they're really great.

I'm really lucky because I get to spend

a lot of one-on-one time
with each one of my kids.

I know Khloé has a hard time
with her anxiety from time to time,

so I really wanted to be here today
and just support her

and make her feel loved and special.

...hard to sit in this thing,
I didn't plan for sitting.

Maybe I can wheel you
out there on a little dolly.

- Yeah, okay. Perfect.
- KRIS: Oh, jeez.

KRIS: You look so good.

I think anytime
that you're in the public eye,

it just opens you up
for scrutiny and criticism

about every little thing.

And I think with Khloé,
she does internalize that.

And I think that you really have to have
tough, thick skin, which all of us have,

but every once in a while,
our emotions just get the best of us.

WOMAN: This is the...

Uh-oh. Hi! Come in for a hug.

I'm really your guest.

- Surprise! I miss you.
- How nice to see you. And you.

KRIS: Yeah, Khloé's gonna be great.

She had a little...
She was a little nervous,

but you're gonna
make her feel...

- What are you nervous about?
- Not about you.

You've got nothing to be anxious.

- It's the aftermath...
- You've got this.

- ...of Twitter and all of that.
- All that matters is...

- (BLEEP) that!
- I know...

- Why are you even looking at it?
- I don't.

It's I have the (BLEEP) paparazzi
that still's like...

I always get...
It's just an anxiousness.

Just everybody's angry.

But all you have to remember
is none of these things are about you.

Anybody that's like...

It's only a representation
and a reflection of them.

That's it. That's it.

- You're so right.
- It has nothing to do with you.

What somebody thinks of you
is none of your business.

How could anyone judge anyone
and they don't know them.

- Yeah.
- So you become

something else in their mind,

and at various points, people just go...
(EXCLAIMS)

But it doesn't matter.

These words only exist
if I give them any power.

They only exist to me if I allow them
to penetrate my core.

- Right.
- You're right.

You're drinking champagne at 4:00 p.m.
on Monday and you're at work.

You've won.

We've (BLEEP) won. Whoo.

All right, I'll see you down there.

- That was a great motivational speech.
- Yeah, let's go out and (BLEEP) it up!

- Let's go out and endorse Candy Crush.
- Let's go (BLEEP) it up!

Yeah!

This speech just makes me...

It sounds so corny,
but like warm and fuzzy.

I feel understood
because I know he's talking to me,

but I know he's had this
talk with himself.

- That was so sweet.
- Oh, my God, did somebody tape that?

Oh. (LAUGHS)

We need that on a loop.

- We're ready whenever you are, Khloé.
- Do they have a new script?

- Okay.
- MAN: Let's do it.

It's all out of my head now

It's all out of my head

Were you waiting for me all along?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

WOMAN: Khloé,
you're on in three, two, one.

CORDEN: Khloé Kardashian is on the show!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I am really proud of myself
for constantly putting myself out there.

And I will say that
Malika is 100% right,

and sometimes I do have to tell
people just to (BLEEP) off.

- (ALL CHEERING)
- MALIKA: So, so fun.

So (BLEEP) off.

To you.

- To you. To us.
- Congrats to another... To us.

That's another one in the can, guys.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

I feel so free

You and me

I don't care what people think

I feel so free

KRIS: Kourtney? I'm outside.

Outside? Okay.

Hi.

- KOURTNEY: Hi, Mom.
- Everything looks so pretty.

My God, you haven't been here.

What's going on? Where's Reign?

My kids aren't here today
'cause they're with Scott,

but Penelope will be here any minute.

Okay.

How are your doctor's going?

- Awful.
- What?

Travis and I want to have a baby,

and so my doctor

took us down this road of doing IVF,

and, like, it hasn't been
the most amazing experience.

Every single person on social media
and is always like Kourtney's pregnant,

Kourtney's pregnant,
Kourtney's gained so much weight,

and I'm like, it's so rude
to comment on people

when you have no idea
what they're actually going through.

The medication
that they've been giving me,

they put me into menopause
because I don't--

- Menopause?
- Literally into menopause.

- And so I'm--
- Based off of what?

- A drug?
- Yes.

I think because I'm so clean and careful
with what I put into my body,

it's just like having
the complete opposite reaction

and is working as a contraceptive
instead of helping us.

The medication basically, like,
put me into depression.

I feel like I've never seen you happier,

so that would, you know,

that would surprise...
The depression thing surprised me.

And I have everything
in the world to be happy about.

I just feel a little bit off
and not like myself.

Super moody and hormonal
like I'm a lunatic half the time.

- And... and that's it.
- Okay, well, I got to go.

I think I have an appointment.

Even though Kourtney has
three beautiful children,

it doesn't make it hurt any less

if you're trying to have a baby
and you've been struggling.

I'll tell you that

I got pregnant in 1994

and had a miscarriage,

and my body entirely shut down.

- Mmm-hmm.
- It stopped making anything.

I was moody and depressed
and, you know, I was bloated.

Didn't feel well.

Everything you just described,
the exact same thing happened.

I think that we want it so badly because
we want to make something together.

Yeah, of course.

You want to bring your own baby,

your own love into the world
in the way, you know,

that you know exactly,

you both know
how it feels to have a child

and how to bring a child into the world.

And now you want to do it
with the love of your life.

You'll have a beautiful baby.

Probably a year from now,
we'll be sitting right here,

and you'll be going,

"Yeah, get the baby. It's crying."

- God willing.
- That's right.

- You've got to claim that.
- Yeah.

Welcome to the future

Welcome to my future

Step into the new world

And welcome to my future

WOMAN: Isn't it beautiful?

KRIS: The table's beautiful.

This would look good in your house.

Yeah, it would.

This is one of my favorite places
I think in the whole universe.

Khloé and I are building homes
next door to each other.

They're still under construction,
but they're getting close.

So it's time to shop for rugs,
and we're here at this fabulous store.

Oh, my God, it's such a different vibe
than my rugs. I love it.

- I'm a little jelly?
- What are your rugs?

My rugs look like me.

Vintage.

- Yeah, that's not my thing.
- Not your vibe?

No, but I would love to visit.

(CHUCKLES) You look amazing.

On every rug that you look at,
you have to do the roll test.

So, start at this end and roll that way.

So do the roll test.

- Are you being serious?
- Yeah, you have to do the roll--

You'll ruin your bun.

My bun is, you know,
hairsprayed to the gods.

My mom, she will get down and dirty
and she will do a carpet roll test.

She'll get down on her knees
and I'm sure do a handful of things.

But, you know, the roll test
is definitely one of them.

You just have to lay here and just say,

"if I was laying on this carpet,
how would I feel?"

Look at the ceiling,
lay down and meditate.

Don't give me more anxiety.

How great was James Corden
the other night?

It was good. I mean,
it's always good doing those shows.

It's just normally the aftermath
that, like, stresses me out.

Did you see the tweets?

No, I don't check the tweets.

You don't check the tweets ever?

I have to read you a tweet.

- No.
- 'Cause it's really funny.

"Currently, watching The Late Late Show,

excited to see Khloé Kardashian
and get high."

(BOTH LAUGH)

- People are getting high to you.
- That's nice.

I mean, everyone just tweeting
and tweeting and tweeting.

It was fun. I mean, he has...
Because we... Talk shows...

You haven't been allowed
to be a guest for a while.

We were doing Zooms for a year.
For him to choose you

to be the first one back
for a live audience...

- That's nice.
- ...is really special.

I still get anxiety. It's not the host.

It's just normally the aftermath
and just hearing everyone's opinions.

And it's... I don't like that.

Well, you just have to learn
when to tune out the noise--

Even like walking around here
and all the paparazzi,

I'm still thinking, "God..."

And now they're going to...
I don't know,

you're just like
if it's one wrong photo,

one thing, I'm sitting somewhere
and they get... And they're like...

Look at her.
It's like who said I had to be perfect?

Who said anything? Shut up.

- You are perfect to me.
- No, thank you.

- But I am your mommy.
- I don't even want to be perfect.

Listen, do you remember
in the beginning,

years and years and years ago,

we started filming
Keeping Up with the Kardashians, right?

Just all the wonderful things
people said,

and what an inspiration we were,
and how they looked up to you girls,

and one person would write and go,

"Listen, you look fat today, bitch,"

and that one person
would ruin your whole day.

And you had 5,000 people tell you
how fantastic, you know, that you are.

They felt great about you.

All you can do is
get up every single day

and do the best you can,
love really hard,

take care of your kids
and your family, you know.

Amen.

I'm excited for you to start
a new chapter in a new neighborhood,

in a beautiful brand new house
that you designed yourself.

It's going to be healthy for me.

- I think so, too.
- I think. I'm so excited.

We're going to have chickens.

- It's... What?
- We're gonna have--

We didn't build the chicken coop.

- Oh, we didn't?
- No, they smell.

- We decided at the end of the day.
- Okay.

We're going to have
the time of our lives.

- I'm excited.
- I know.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

We are doing our first days of our promo
photo shoots at Saturday Night Live.

WOMAN: Is she dressed?

She is dressed. Let me triple check.

WOMAN: Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Good. Great.

KIM: It's pretty crazy.

I had my first table read yesterday,
and we read like 40 or 50 scripts.

I've never done a table read before.

Everyone just started picking it up
and reading them so fast,

and people were having accents
and different, you know, energy,

but I'm in every single skit
of what they presented.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yeah, and we already invited him.
I feel bad.

I would totally disinvite for you.

There's one pre-taped skit
that they wanted you and Khloé in,

but I think that it could be
mom and Khloé,

and they're gonna make it in time.

They're going to leave,
like, a few hours earlier

just to get here in time and do that.

And honestly, I think it's funnier
when it's, like, the cast playing us.

Yeah, no, I totally get that.

Okay.

All right, well, I love you,
and I'll call you later.

Okay, bye.

How did your lunch
with Amy go yesterday?

It wasn't a lunch, but it was so good.

She's just so supportive, you know.

How was...
What was her feedback on the--

She's just so funny.

Like, even when I hear her talk,

it just, like,
it makes me want to laugh,

just hearing her voice and her tone.

And then what about the sex tape?
Are you going to address it?

I mean, I think I want to say something.

I think I've been in this game
long enough to know

that, like,
you just have to be yourself.

So I want to say things that feel good
coming out of my mouth and that, like,

are things I would actually say,
and so I'm going to just go with my gut

and stick with it and do exactly
what I had planned on doing.

Are you feeling anxious?

I feel a little bit anxious right now.

I've been to SNL before,

but only obviously with Kanye
as like a musical guest.

I've never seen
what it's like to be a host.

I have to work a 23.5-hour day tomorrow.

I've never done that in my life.
I've never pulled an all-nighter.

No one gives you a second to breathe.

There's no lunch break like you
just have to take a bite of pizza,

eat along the way,
like, there's no breaks.

There's no nothing, like,
there's no time.

I've never experienced
anything like this before.

Three, two...

Hi, I'm Kim Kardashian West,
and I'm hosting SNL this week

with musical guest Halsey.

So Kim, are you nervous
about doing sketch comedy?

Why? I don't have to write sketches,
do I?

- No.
- Memorize lines?

No, they're on cue cards.

Everyone else won't look
as good as me, will they?

No, absolutely not.

I just want to make sure that I focus
enough to do a really good job on SNL.

Isn't this like a pinch-yourself moment

that I'm remembering
how far you've come?

There was a moment
where you could not

even get a fashion show invite.

It's either flip flops or UGGs,

with a Juicy sweat suit
or a dress and heels.

I remember when your dream was like,
I want to be on the cover of Cosmo,

and your publicist
was like, "Dream realistically."

Yeah.

And now you're hosting
Saturday Night Live.

Yeah. No, that's, like, so crazy.

During the part
when I looked on the screen

and you were like,
I'm Kim Kardashian West

and I'm hosting Saturday Night Live,
I literally started bawling

because I remember,
like, 12 or 13 years ago

when you were going on,
like, your first talk show as a guest,

that you were so excited,

I got that vision
and it's, like, my God.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you, guys...

(LAUGHTER)

- I only cry...
- TRACY: Oh, my gosh.

It's so true, though, I remember.

MARIO: It's so true, like,
I literally got that vision in there.

Like, she's on Saturday Night Live
and it's like woah.

- I love you.
- Love you.

KIM: Seeing Mario be really emotional,

just reminds me of when his agency
told him not to work with me

'cause I was just a reality star
and that, like, I wasn't going anywhere,

and he was never going to have a career
if he was my makeup artist.

And he told them basically
to, like, go (BLEEP) themselves.

I get what he's saying, and I feel it.

I can't really cry
because I have make up on,

so I'm just not going to go there,
but I feel it.

(LAUGHS)

It's really, really crazy.

- Don't make me cry. I can't.
- TRACY: I know.

I am.

I'm studying a little bit,
and I have to read my monologue.

So I'm just trying to do flash cards,
read my monologue.

Today, we had to be here at 5:30 a.m.,

and I can't leave until 3:00 a.m.

So it's literally almost a 24-hour day.

I'd say I was so tired this morning
doing one of the scenes.

And it was a pre-taped.

"All right, fine.
You can divorce me, but I need a lawyer.

"Will you be my lawyer fam?

"No, Kanye. Fine.

"Then you're not getting a penny. Sorry.

"I have the prenup right here."

I'm always afraid of hurting
people's feelings,

and I would never go in there

making fun of, especially,
like, the father of my kids.

It doesn't mean that
because we didn't work out that we don't

have, like, a great love
and respect for each other.

The divorce is so sensitive for him.

And so I'm already saying
that part in the monologue.

- I don't want to, like, make--
- Yeah.

Like, maybe,
I could talk to Kris,

and we could think of something funny.

And I could just tell him, like,
"Hey, this is super sensitive to him."

I know he'd want to be a part of it.

I'm just saying, like,
because he'd love it.

It shouldn't be disrespectful to him.

So, how about this?
Let's put it on the tape,

see what it feels like,
and just know that we...

This is not unusual for us
to make line changes

with things that... So let me get
the writers, and we'll work on that.

KRIS: We are so excited to be
in New York City.

We just are so happy
to be here to support Kim.

You know what? I just want
to talk to you for two seconds.

I'm just saying hi to my daughter.

I'm just on a deadline here.
I just have two seconds.

Can we call her right back?

I love you, baby.
Give me a kiss and I'm going to go.

Sir, can I ask you
to leave us alone for five minutes?

I just want to do something
real quick. Thank you.

When my mom wants the driver
out of the car

and to have a private conversation,

there is normally only a handful
of things that play through my head.

Did somebody (BLEEP) up?

Somebody's pregnant. There's a crisis.

Bye, baby.

Okay, here we go.

Is his window rolled up?

Yes, but the trunk is open.

Close the trunk.

So, you're yelling at (BLEEP) a guy?

Close the trunk!

(SIGHS)

Excuse me, sir.

Would you mind closing the trunk
for a moment? Thank you so much.

It's not what you say.
It's how you say it.

No.

- Hi.
- BARKER: Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So I think we secured
the date you wanted.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And I thought
maybe you could tell Khloé...

...why you maybe want us
to all be available next weekend.

Don't even do this to me.
My heart is racing.

So, yeah, the 17th
is the first day we ever hung out.

Like I told your mom, I've been, like,

madly in love with Kourtney forever

and I believe she's my soulmate.

- And...
- Oh, my God, I'm going to cry.

I would like to propose to her
on the day that I met her.

Or the day that I first was with her.

Oh, my God, I'm literally crying.

KRIS: I'm crying all over again.

My God, I'm so happy for you guys.

So he called me last night
and he said I really, like--

Oh, my God, I'm so happy.

Just 'cause Kourt
is going to be so happy.

I do not cry and I'm crying
because I'm happy,

and that's like really
(BLEEP) weird for me.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I don't really experience happy crying.

I don't know, when I got engaged,
I don't think I cried.

Oh, my God, I can't handle this.

He's coming next weekend
to do Saturday Night Live

and he bought her a ring
from Lorraine Schwartz.

- Oh, my God.
- And the ring is ready.

And they're going to fly
home Sunday morning

- and we could all be there to share.
- I'm having a panic attack. My God.

Yeah, I think Santa Barbara is so good

-'cause we go often.
- Yeah.

And she wouldn't really suspect, like...

And if you guys were all there,
that's a surprise.

So we literally land the 17th.

We're so happy. We're so happy.

My God, I'm so happy and I'm so happy

to have you be a part
of our family and everything.

- And we love you and my God! - Thank you.

I love you guys' family
and I love Kourt.

And I've never felt better,

more sure about anything
in my life, so...

To have this secret between me
and Khloé now, and Travis,

is really special for us
because we're so excited.

One of the biggest things in her life
is about to happen,

and Kourtney has no idea.

Whoo!

- Bye, Trav. - Bye.

I am not even... So, you know, I don't--

Isn't that the most amazing news?

My God, I'm just so happy
'cause she's never wanted

to get married or anything like that,
and I know she does now with him.

- And my God, I'm just--
- It's really exciting.

I'm going to have a heart attack.

- Okay, we can go.
- I'm so excited.

KRIS: (CHUCKLES) I know. Isn't is crazy?

KIM: Next on The Kardashians...

Today is the day that I am hosting
Saturday Night Live.

- WOMAN: Whoo!
- (APPLAUDING)

All right. It's happening.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Travis came to see me
and he asked for her hand in marriage.

Is Scott going to lose his shit?

I'm just worried that they're going
to see you guys on the freeway.

My mom would be so pissed if Kylie and I
were the ones to ruin the surprise.

You guys get off on this same exit
and it's a red light, you're screwed.

You'll be at the same exit.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.

- Oh, shit.
- ALL: Oh, shit.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)