All language subtitles for The Kardashians - S01E01.en

♪ 777 by Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak,
& Silk Sonic playing ♪

- Okay, let's go, guys.

♪ Ayy, now we makin' money,
now we makin' money ♪

♪ Now we makin' money, one, two, three ♪

- Guys, come on.
We have to go to Kim's. Let's go.

♪ Blow it real nice for me ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm tryna hit a lick ♪

♪ And slide to the dealership
in the mornin' ♪

♪ Why ♪

- Do you guys wanna go to the barbecue?

KIDS: Yeah!

♪ They not gon' believe me,
but check the recordin', ooh ♪

♪ Ayy, now we makin' money,
now we makin' money ♪

PERSON [on phone]: Hello? Hey.
KHLOÉ: Hi.

- Oh my gosh. I'm so excited.

I'm at the new house
and the construction is almost finished.

PERSON: Oh wow. Amazing.

I'm so happy. Can't wait to see it.

♪ 'Cause I'm 'bout to go all in ♪

♪ I can see the champagne fallin' ♪

♪ I got bills to pay, but bills can wait ♪

♪ Ah, we ballin' ♪

♪

KENDALL:
Hey, Mom, I'm not feeling too great,

so I don't think I'm gonna make it today.

KRIS [on phone]:
Oh no. I'm so sorry, honey.

[phone ringing]

- Kylie Cosmetics. How can I help you?

♪ Yes, I'm faded, pupil's dilated ♪

♪ But the man in the mirror sayin',
"Gon' get your paper," get it ♪

♪ Pretty with some ♪

- Okay, Kimmy, I'll check on you later.

I have to go leave
for the barbecue or I'll be late.

Kylie, we gotta go!

- Babe, we gonna be late.

♪ Let's gooo ♪

♪ Whatever you wanna do, baby ♪

♪ I gotcha, I gotcha ♪

♪ Oh my god ♪

♪ Silk Sonic ♪

♪ This the big one, uh ♪

♪ You gotta trust your gut ♪

- Kylie, let's go. We gotta get to Kim's.
I don't wanna be late.

- Okay.

♪ Pretty with some money to blow ♪

♪ I'm 'bout to buy
Las Vegas after this roll ♪

♪ I'm 'bout to buy Las Vegas
after this roll ♪

♪ Come on, seven, seven, seven, seven ♪

- Okay, I have to go meet my family now.

- ♪ Ahhh-ha ♪
- ♪ I told ya, I told ya, I told ya ♪

♪ Seven, seven, seven,
seven, seven, let's gooo ♪

Yeah, I like all of these.

♪ Woo, ooh, they can't
deal with me, I swear to God ♪

♪ Hot Gossip by Vanacore Music playing ♪

♪ All around me ♪

♪ Wherever I'll be, is where it's at ♪

♪ Ha, I never lose ♪

♪ I win this race in high-heeled shoes ♪

♪ You're a knockoff, I'm the real thing ♪

♪ I'm hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot gossip, yeah ♪

- I love that slide...
- Yeah.

KIM: ...and ball pit situation.

I, like, wanna own that.

MAN: Do you want it? [laughs]
- If it was a different color.

KIM:
It's fun to start with a clean slate.

I feel like we've had
so much time off filming

that we've, kind of,
gone into our own worlds

and done our own thing.

I hate talking about myself,
but I'm two years into school.

I am, literally, just
studying for the bar.

I'm really working on law school,
SKIMS, and being a mom.

- Mommy?
- Yeah.

- Here, Mommy.
- Okay, I got it. Okay?

I've just been in, like,
Mom mode, carpool mode.

Do you wanna go with Dad
to the Grammys and be his date?

Just getting it all together at the house.

- Do you wanna swap?

- Okay, there might be one more.

We're working on whining,

but let's go inside
'cause you're really hot.

KIM: Yeah?

- Woo! Was it fun?

- No. M'kay.

To me, that's what's so exciting is

just that side of our lives,
like, people don't see.

Like, I cleaned out the playroom today.

Like, that kind of stuff gets me--

makes me horny to, literally,
clean out my [bleep] playroom.

I'm insane. Like, any Mom will get that.

Like, if you have a clean playroom,
oh my god.

Like, you can sleep at night.

Oh, here's Mom.

♪ Ain't Nobody Like Me
by Vanacore Music playing ♪

♪ Ain't nobody like me,
ain't nobody like me ♪

♪ Ain't nobody like me ♪

KRIS: Hi.
KIM: You look nice.

- Thank you.

Are you gonna do slime?

- You have a very busy schedule.

Do you know that your schedule
is busier than my schedule?

I've been pretty busy
since you last saw us.

I get up at 4:00 every morning.

♪

[phone ringback tone]
How can people

not answer their phone at 7 A.M.?

It's, like-- It's almost lunchtime.

I'm a mom, I'm a grandmother,
I'm running businesses.

There's Kylie Cosmetics,
and there's Kylie Skin, Kylie Baby,

SKIMS, Good American,
818, KKW Fragrance,

Arthur George, The Hot Sauce Company,

Halfway Dead, Safely.

Can just one person be lazy...
in this family?

[exhales] What did I leave out?
Probably something.

Cheers, babe. Here's to season--

- Ninety-two.
- A new chapter.

KYLIE: Hey, guys.
KIM: Hi.

- Hi.
- Look at you, cutie.

- Oh, look at her.

You look so cute.

- You left without me. What?

KRIS: No.
- Hm.

- What?
- You just made it really obvious.

- That what?

- I know what you're having.

- Everyone just knows what I'm having.

- Why did she make it obvious?
- It's so crazy.

I didn't do shit!
- 'Cause I c-- I can now see her belly.

- My belly looks the same!

I am very excited to have another baby.

- I'm almost six months now.

For right now, we are keeping
the gender just between Travis and I.

We're just waiting for the right moment
to tell everyone in a special way.

- I think it's a boy.
You're skinnier this way.

- Oh.
- You're prettier...

- Uh, how could she get any prettier?
KIM: ...than you were last time.

COREY: She's always pretty.
- Like, the girls take the beauty

to give it to themselves.

The boys, like, know what's up,

and they just, like,
let you be a little bit prettier.

- My whole life is so public.
My pregnancy is really public this time.

To have something between just
Travis and I feels really special.

It's just fun keeping that to ourselves.

COREY: These kids.

- Everyone in this family
takes a secret so seriously.

They're so committed.

KIM: Khloé's here.

- Hi. You look fab.
KHLOÉ: Thank you.

- I'm so happy Tristan's here.

Why did I think you were
at basketball... already?

TRISTAN: No, um, Sunday.

Sunday, Sunday I leave.
- Aww. I'm glad you're here.

- Right now, Tristan and I
are just friends,

and I love our relationship
that him and I have,

but my biggest focus is being
a mom to my beautiful angel, True.

Okay, I'll get it for you.

Tristan?

BOTH [high-pitched]:
Hi!

- Let's rub our bellies.
I don't have one anymore.

The food looks amazing, if I do say so.

- I think I want regular fries
and chicken nuggets.

- I'll have regular fries, too.
- Just a little more fries, yeah.

Thank you.
- I'm a vegan most of the time.

98% of the time,
but today I'm... going wild.

KYLIE:
I'm just, like, living a dream over here.

KHLOÉ: Yeah, no, this is
a pregnant woman's dream.

- Dream.

- Travis? Yeah.

Travis and Auntie Kourtney are coming.

KRIS: Guys! There they are.
[greeting each other]

There they are.

- Talk about short shorts.
- Hi!

- What's up?
- I know.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Living my life without cameras
was an absolute dream.

I've been spending a lot
of time with my kids,

and I just, like, let life unfold.

So... Travis is my boyfriend, um.

Our homes are a block away
from each other.

He was one of my closest friends
for, probably, eight years.

We used to work out together all the time,

and just us doing stuff on a friend level,

we could just be ourselves.

We fell in love,
and now, he's my boyfriend.

- This is a relationship that
I don't think anybody saw coming

because they've known
each other for so long,

and they were such good friends.

- I, definitely, saw this coming.

- For years, we have been telling Kourtney
that her and Travis should hook up.

- They are so happy,

seem so in love,

and never stop making out,
by the way. Like ever.

- What?

Who made that? Who?
[laughing]

Who made that? Let me see.
- I don't know.

- Let me see.

Click on it.

Ah!
[laughing]

Oh, hold on.

Khloé, look at this.
KHLOÉ: What? Let me see.

KIM: Khloé, come here.
KHLOÉ: I'm coming.

- I feel like you're the only
one that would understand.

KHLOÉ: Okay, I'm coming.
- I'm not sure what this means.

This is a character on Roblox,
but it says--

- What?!
- H-H-- I know that's why I said.

- Oh, it's a game?
- Yeah.

- Oh, well, then, we're suing them if
it's a game with my name and picture.

There was a picture of my cry face,

and then, I looked at it and it said
something super inappropriate,

like, "Kim's New Sex Tape."

No, it was an inappropriate thing that
popped up on his Roblox about me,

that says they're leaking something
that some-someone said.

This is supposed to be unreleased
footage from my old sex tape.

The last thing that I want as a mom
is for my past to be brought up

20 years later.

Especially, when it's this big party
and my whole family's here.

This is some real embarrassing shit
and I need to deal with it,

and I will deal with it.

I just cannot believe this
is happening right now.

♪ I'm all about, all about,
all about a good time ♪

♪ All about a good time ♪

♪ I'm all about, all about,
all about the good life ♪

[screaming, giggling]

KRIS: Okay, let's go outside.

Come on, little lovebirds.

You can make out out there by the table.

[laughing]

- Okay, we're sitting here.
- This is you, babe.

- Kendall's not here because
she's just got the flu or something.

- I, actually, didn't have the flu.
I had COVID and it sucked.

But... you know what?

You're gonna get me
for the rest of the season anyways,

and I will be here, so don't you worry.

- Guys, can you believe
that this is day one?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I can. Look at all the cameras.

KIM: This is day one.

- I know.
I have a little anxiety about it.

KIM: You do?
- Just, like, what the [bleep]
are we doing again?

- Yeah... same.

- You're gonna be good.
Just suck it up, honey.

- Oh, I'm always good.

- So, guys, Mom and I
had lunch the other day

with Lorne Michaels from SNL--

- Yeah?
KIM: and they asked me to host it.

And so--
- That is huge.

- But did you say yeah?
- I said yes.

- Wait, are you listening to this?
KOURTNEY: No, sorry.

- Your sister's gonna host SNL.
Saturday Night Live.

- Super.
- From New York.

- What, what day is it on?

Everyone around me is like,
"You have to do this."

And I get it. It's so cool.

But I always put myself
in these situations

that I think I'm fulfilling
other people's dreams,

honestly, of, like, my mom's.

I... don't know why I did
Dancing with the Stars.

I sucked.

- You just have to come out
and sell it and sizzle--

and, and you didn't.

KIM: Absolutely sucked.

That's just so not me.
If you know me, like, I-- It's not me.

I'm just not funny like that.
KHLOÉ: You are funny.

It's just timing is everything.
KRIS: You just don't know you're funny.

KHLOÉ: But you are funny.

- We've always told you you're not,
but you really are.

KRIS: Yeah, you really are.

And you're more funny than you can dance,

so just look at it on the bright side.

- Oh good. Yeah, yeah.
KRIS: Yeah.

- Khloé and I are known
to be the funny ones,

but, you know, Kim's related to us,
so I think she can be funny.

I think she has it in her.

- But also, I'm, like, kind of, like,
going back and forth,

like, since Kanye's album is out,
like, do I want him to be my--

That would be epic if, like,
he was my musical guest.

But then, do I want my own moment?

Kanye and I are still
going through a divorce now.

We're just trying to figure it out,

how to be good parents
to our kids together,

of how to be good friends to each other.

Ultimate goal, no matter what,
is just happiness,

and following that,
whatever that looks like.

- I think have your own moment

'cause I think you'd rely on him
for, like, the comfort, right?

- This is my first time,
and I kinda want this to be about me,

and not about,
"How are they gonna act to each other?"

I mean, I just can't
embarrass us, you guys.

- You've embarrassed us before.
It's fine. It doesn't matter.

KIM: They haven't announced it yet.
I wonder if I could still pull out.

- You're not gonna embarrass us.
You're gonna be amazing.

- I don't know.

TRAVIS: Are you sticking to the table?
- Yeah.

KRIS:
I'm not sure Kourtney really has a type.

But if she does, it's definitely Travis.

Like, I've watched them come to a decision

over something as simple as a dessert.

Like, "Okay, babe, what kind
of dessert do you want?"

"Well, I don't know, babe.
What kind of dessert do you want?"

"Well, babe, I don't know.
Do you want the apple tart?"

"Well, I don't know.
Do you want the choc--

What do you think we should do?"

Like 15 minutes!

I'm like, "For God's sakes,
just pick a dessert. Get both."

You probably won't find me
straddling Corey every five minutes.

Or maybe after a drink, but.

- I'm gonna get a burger.

Kourtney has just been
in this amazing relationship.

It's, like, the first time
that I've seen her happy.

I'm, like, so happy for this win for her
because she really deserves it.

So, wait... no one invited Scott?

- I don't know. I didn't invite him.
You didn't ask Kourt?

- No, I just honestly forgot.

KHLOÉ: I didn't even think about it.
- I didn't, either.

And then, does that make
us awful human beings

that we're, like, going on with our lives?
- I don't think so--

- It's everything that he-- Thank you.

Everything that he was
always, like, afraid of.

"I have-- Don't have any family
and you're my only family."

- And it came true.
- And now, it's, like, coming true.

KOURTNEY:
Hold on, guys.

Scott and I have been
broken up for seven years

and I gave him 10 years before that.

So, like, why is everyone making
such a big deal about this?

Let's just not hate on a girl who,
finally, knows what she deserves.

- So, he doesn't know about this at all?
- I don't think so. Who would've told him?

You know how-- one way to find out?

So, Reigny, come here.

KHLOÉ: When you go home,
does your dad ask you what you did?

- Is he like, "Oh, Reign,
what did you do tonight?"

- No, he doesn't say anything.

- I think that your dad's so tired,

so no need to tell him
what we did tonight, okay?

KIM:
Cool. We have an understanding.

What are you doing?
You are so cute.

Can I eat you?

- You're already eating.

- I'm gonna punch the camera.

- Hey! You can't, you can't.

♪ On Fire Now by
Vanacore Music playing ♪

♪ Bop, bop, bop, yeah, we on fire now ♪

♪ Yeah, we on fire now, yeah, we on ♪

SCOTT:
Yo, what up, Mas? My main man.

- So, this is, probably, the first time

in, like, 15 years

that we've had a really, really long break

from having cameras follow our every move,

and I think it got a little lonely.

KHLOÉ: Steps? Oh my Gosh.

Scott and I are incredibly close,

but I guess I just don't know
what Scott I'm gonna receive today.

I think I'm just prepared for anything.

Lord?

SCOTT: Khloverton!

- Oh my gosh, I miss this place

and I miss you!
- Oh, Khlo.

KHLOÉ: We did not always have
a great relationship.

I have gone to
anger management over Scott,

but somehow Scott and I
became, like, besties,

and he really is like a brother to me.

- God must've broke the mold
when he made you.

- Just hopin'.

- Get these cameras out of here
and go upstairs then. [laughing]

- That being said, he does speak
to me, maybe, a little more

flirty than my real brother does.

The whole thing's [bleep] weird.

Salud.
- L'Chaim.

- So, where's your head at with Kourt?

- Honestly, I think for, like,
the first time, probably, in my life,

it's, finally, starting to change.

Now that Kourtney's got
her life with Travis, like,

as hard as it is,

it does give me a place to,
like, finally be able to move on.

- Do you genuinely think that
you would be open to, like, a real,

loving relationship?
- So, like, if I wanna find somebody

real...
- Ser-- Yeah.

- ...and serious, and someone
I'm gonna, actually, spend my life with,

it would have to be somebody--

- More age-appropriate.
- Yeah, like,

you know... upper 20s--
- Twenty-one.

- When you're with an equal,

you have to go back and forth.
- Yeah. They, they challenge you. Yeah.

- I think that's a big step for me,

but not over thi-- Oh, f--
Whatev-- Eh, 30. Over th--

I don't c-- Whatever it is.

If I love somebody,
doesn't matter their age.

- I'm not sure about that.

- Did you know about
the barbecue at Kim's house?

- Nah, a little bit

'cause I think one of the kids
said something, which the kids

always, kind of, tell me everything.

Feeling left out
and not being told anything

is super hurtful...
- Sucks

- ...especially, when I don't have
another family to go to.

- But I have a question: Do you think

you can handle being around
Kourt and her new boyfriend?

- I'd rather be around them
and be around my family than not at all.

- I will say at the barbecue
when... you weren't there,

I was almost, like,
"It's probably best,"

'cause it was so small and intimate,
and they're very lovey-dovey.

- Right.

- That I don't know if that's
so comfortable for you.

I thought it almost did you a favor

by not having to see that so face-to-face.
- Right.

- Oh, everyone knows he's
still in love with Kourtney.

It's not a secret, but this is 100%
the happiest I've seen Kourtney.

I know how much
Travis and Kourtney love each other.

And that has to be hard
for anyone to process,

especially, when everything's so public.

I think, maybe, she's uncomfortable
and doesn't know what to say

'cause I know she does love you

and want to not have
this uncomfortableness.

- You know, I always had her friends,
or our family, or, you know, in my ear,

kinda, like, "Don't worry, honey."

Like, "Eventually, you guys
will figure it out

and you'll get back together one day."

- Yeah.
- So my foot was always

halfway in the door.

It was a huge adjustment
losing Kourtney romantically,

but now, it's becoming a huge adjustment

losing her as, kind of, a best friend.

Now, we're really just
more of co-parenters.

I would say it's probably one of
the more difficult things in my life.

Listen, I-- At the end of the day,

I, I understand what
the bigger picture is.

What would be best for Kourtney
and she's happy.

She's... in a real thing,
and I believe that's true

'cause I also felt like
I did so much wrong to her

over so many years that--
- You felt guilty.

- I felt super guilty,
and I always felt like

if she ever needed me
for any reason whatsoever,

I'd be there to make it up to her

because of how bad I was for so long.

Kourtney has all right to despise me
and the way I treated her

'cause it was horrible.

Like that wouldn't go on today for a day,

but it went on for years.

- Do you mind if I talk
about this with Kourtney?

Or would you rather me stay out of it?
- Not at all. No, stay in it.

All I need is just to be acknowledged.
- Right.

- Oh, do I even mean anything to anyone?

♪

♪

- Hi, you guys.

- Hi.

No kissing.

TRAVIS:
We should ride your mom's new bike.

- This bike is, kind of, hard to ride.

- I love going to Travis's studio.

It is, like, a happy place for him.

We ride bikes and we play ping-pong.
It feels like home.

TRAVIS:
I'm stealin' some of your juice, baby.

- I don't think you're gonna like it.

- I like that you think you know
if I'm gonna like it or not.

- I was definitely
always attracted to Travis.

I just think it was
the right time in my life.

I had taken, like, a year to myself,

but my closest best friends
have always said,

"You have to hook up with Travis."

- Okay.

KOURTNEY:
We would almost, like, play house

because we would
do things together with our kids.

We would go to museums and go to church.

And last year, during the pandemic,
we were texting.

And so, I just put it out there,
like, flirtatious conversation.

- Have you been practicing, baby?
- No.

Finally, I think once I made it known,

he asked me to watch a movie,

and the whole movie,
he didn't make a move.

- Me. I did. He was taking a long time.

The movie was over, and then, I was like--

We started another movie and I was like,

"I don't have time for this,
like, movie marathon."

So, I made the first move.

- You just do whatever you want
and then, I'll do whatever I want.

- [laughs] No.
[Kourtney laughs]

- A drum battle?
- I would never wanna drum battle you.

KOURTNEY: Watching him play the drums,
watching him on stage,

watching him, though,
even with my daughter,

and how amazing he is with her.

The way he speaks to her is so special.

- That was good.
She's a drummer, baby.

- Travis and I talk about
a future all the time.

The second we fell in love,
I think we knew how different it was

from anything either of us
have ever had before.

And so, I think that, you know,
we absolutely see a future together.

- Travis, why are you always
like this to my mom?

- I'm always drumming.
- 'Cause he's a drummer.

- I said I'm gonna use
your mom as a drum one day,

and I'm gonna, I'm gonna record it.
KOURTNEY: Yeah, he's gonna record it.

- You're gonna u-use her butt?

- Actually, that's what I thought
would make the loudest noise.

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ I'm a big, big deal ♪

♪ Wearin' high, high heels ♪

♪

♪ Cheer ♪

KIM:
Amazing. Is this all for SNL?

DANIELLE: Yeah.
- Oh my god.

So, I'm still really bothered about
what I saw on my son's iPad.

I just wanna get to the bottom
of where this is coming from

and what's happening.

And I've been calling everyone from Roblox
and my attorney's been on it.

So, I'm just gonna let them handle it,

and go into this fitting
and try to focus on SNL right now.

I feel like they need to know
who my musical guest is ASAP,

and Kanye's out of town.

- How would you feel if
he was your musical guest?

- He obviously would be the best.
DANIELLE: Yeah.

- But, maybe, this is my chance
to do something on my own.

You know?

I don't know.
Like, it could either be super calming.

It would be so cool for the kids to see,
like, Mom and Dad on SNL together.

- Yeah.
- That's, like, ugh, so cool.

But then, like, I might
be more stressed out.

Like, you know, the more people
you know that are there,

like, I might just be like, "Oh my god."

Do you want me to try this on?
- Yeah, let's do it.

- Okay, so I say we try this,
this, and this.

- Okay.
Who's coming from your family?

- I'll make my mom be a part of it.

- Oh, you will? She'll be in a skit?
- Totally. I was like,

how funny would it be if in all the skits,

it was, like, Kourtney and Travis
in the background

making out the whole time
[Danielle laughing]

'cause that's really all they do anyway.

I wrote my whole family
and I'm like, "You guys, no one is safe.

I'm gonna throw you all under the bus."

- Do you know what you
wanna say in the monologue?

- No. I wanna say,
"Hi. Everyone's forced me to be here."

Listen, I'm the underdog.

Everyone just thinks I'm, like, a ditz.

The girl from Will & Grace came out

and said that she has no idea
why I would be chosen as a host,

but it's like, "Why do you care?"

I don't comment to tear people down,
especially another female.

Like, if that's what you think, dude,
then like, "Cool... L-- Tune in."

Like, the long tassels might freak me out.

You know, if I'm like, "Hi."

I use my hands a lot
and I'll feel like an octopus.

I want this to be, like, a moment
where people are like, "Oh, wow."

Like, "She was funny."

- Are you nervous?
- I am nervous.

Listen to this.
I just got this voice note.

CHRISSY TEIGEN [on phone]:
Oh my god, you're hosting SNL.

Oh my god. Are you dying,
are you dying, are you dying?

- Who is that?

CHRISSY: Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god, okay.
[laughing]

- Chrissy Teigen, but I'm just like,

"Yeah, I'm dying. I'm dying.

Now, you're freaking me out even more."

Like, "Thanks. You're freaking
me out, actually, even more."

Everyone's, like, blowing
me up like, "Oh my god!"

I've never gotten more texts,

and I'm like, "Okay, I'm glad
that you're, like, happy."

I really do wanna surprise people
and I hope that I can bring it.

I, literally, called, like, Amy Schumer

and I was like,
"Oh my god, I'm hosting SNL."

- Uh-huh.
- She's like, "I'll help you write

some jokes for your monologue."

And I was like--
- Mm-hm.

- I love having really funny friends.

- Kim Kardashian on SNL.
It's, like, crazy.

It's gonna be so epic
and fun and historical.

You'll never forget this.

It'll be the coolest moment of your life.

[laughs]
- This will be... live.

- Yeah.
- Live.

♪

- Well, hello there. Hey, you look good.

- Thank you. So do you.

Tristan and I currently
are not exactly together.

He is one of my best friends.

- What's goin' on?
- Not much.

I see Tristan a couple times a week.

He's a really hands-on dad,

and me and Tristan don't have tension.

We get along really, really well.

And so, it's just easy
to co-parent with him.

- Yeah, no, it was so good seein'
everyone at the barbecue, you know?

- It was nice, right?
- Yeah, and Kylie looks so good.

I didn't know she was,
like, poppin'-poppin'.

The baby's cookin' in there.
Like, I see it.

I didn't know she was that far along.

- I know if Tristan had his way, I guess,

then we would completely be together.

I just need a little breathing room
and time to think.

Um.

I know you're going to be
heading to Sac soon,

and, you know, something that I know

means a lot, I think, to the both of us
is the therapy aspect.

I notice such a big difference in you
when you are on top of your game,

and you, no pun intended,
and you, um, just stay on, I think,

your personal health, like, well-being,
whether that be mind, body, soul.

- I think, uh, it's great for both of us,

especially, 'cause, uh,
we got a lot of room to grow.

Regardless of us being friends
or wherever we stand,

I think we both grow together.

It just makes our family
and our bond just better.

- Tristan is very determined
on us getting back together.

He goes to therapy quite often,
a couple of times a week,

and we now even do
couples therapy together.

I say couples, but it's really
his therapy that I'm asked to join.

I think I just call it couples therapy

'cause I don't know what else
you would call it.

You know, it's always such
a weird [bleep] gray area

- 'cause we are such great friends.
- Mm-hm... Yeah.

- And I think that's so
confusing to outside people

'cause I know how to be
a monster to you if I want to.

- Which-- But you never
have been, which I respect.

And I appreciate that.
- Okay.

- I mean, it's not like you've
ever burned my clothes

or, like... slashed my cars.

- No, I have thrown water
on all your clothes. If I wasn't--

- You have?!
- When I was nine months pregnant.

When you cheated on me--
- Eh, water? I mean it's water.

- And if you-- If I wasn't pregnant,
I would've [bleep] you up so--

I just didn't wanna break
my nails before delivery.

- Shout out to the nails.
- Yeah, for sure.

- Yeah, but let's, let's--
Listen, listen. It's, it's 2021, okay?

We can't be talkin' about 20--

BOTH: Eighteen.

- Every day he tries to show me
and prove to me that he is

a different person,

and that I should have faith
and trust him.

But him and I have been
through so much together,

that I have a lot of reservations.

I have-- My guards are up.

I'm always kinda like this
and Tristan just wants to bear hug me,

and it's just, I don't know,
I'm still kinda like this.

- You know how I feel about you,

and, you know, you know I wanna, you know,

get us back together,
and build our family,

and hopefully, be able to expand
our family one day, God willing.

- I think it is an avenue where you
or we get to hear each other differently.

Because we've definitely
had these conversations.

There's definitely been
mistakes you've made...
- But that-- Of course, of course.

- ...that weren't taken seriously
or they weren't really listened to.

I don't think someone was there
to kinda hold you accountable.

It's a lot of strain on a relationship.
- Yeah.

- Trust takes time.
- Understand what I'm saying.

I, I didn't say trust
comes after a session. Trust takes time.

♪ When there's no hope
and the darkness got you down ♪

♪ Remember that the good life
always comes back around ♪

♪ Remember the good life,
good life, good life, good life ♪

KIM: We're not gonna have time,

Chris, to do, like,
that full ponytail for SNL.

Right? Like, it's gonna have to be--
- Yeah, no.

Well, you've done SNL before.
KIM: Oh, right. You did it with J.Lo, too.

- Did you do all of Jennifer's wigs
when you guys did it?

CHRIS: Yeah.
- Or did the show do it?

CHRIS: Oh no, they made the wigs.
So, they'll make a--

We'll-- I'll go over and they'll
do a head measurement.

- Is there time for, like, looks and--
CHRIS: No, it would literally

be like wig on, wig off.

But I could make one
and then, just put it on.

Like, there'll be that much time.

There's certain things
and preparation that people

are telling me to do that
are making me way more nervous.

I ran into Pete Davidson at the Met

and I was like, "I am so scared.
I don't know what I signed up for."

And he's like, "Can you read cue cards?
You're good, you're good."

Like-- And I was like,
"I can read," you know?

Oh, Scott wants to come
and Jonathan wants to come.

And I think Scott's fine 'cause
Kourtney and Travis aren't coming.

TRACY: Yeah... 'Kay.
- So, that'll be nice.

So, Kourtney can't come.

As long as I have my mom
and my besties and Khloé, like, I'm good.

And of course, I wanted to invite Scott.

I love Scott.

He's always welcome, he's always family,
and I'm happy that he's coming to support,

but I probably wouldn't invite Scott
if Kourtney was coming without Travis.

I think that would just be weird so soon.

TRACY: Well, like, what're you guys
thinking for hair for when

she walks out to do her monologue?

- The first look should
obviously be the most

'cause the rest of the time
it's like wig on, wig off.

It's just kinda rough.

- But are you, literally,
gonna have, like--

- I just have to be there.
Like quickly whiffle her up.
- 10 minutes?

- And then, someone just literally
grabs her and pushes her out.
- Not even 10 minutes.

- No, like, seconds.
Like, they, literally, are pushing out.

It's like you're in a wheelchair.

They just push her out.
Like, it's crazy.

Your head's gonna be spinnin'.

And then, the wig's ripped off
and they're changin'.

And you have to act--
You just have to be really calm

and go out and be like,
"Okay, guys, next up."

- Sarah Silverman was like,
"What if you're like,

'Okay, I'm gonna ask some
questions to the audience,'"

and then, I go, "You," you know,
and it's really Kanye in a disguise,

but you know it's him.

He goes, "So, do you believe
in second chances in marriages?"

And I go "No,"
and they go to the next one.
- Oh my god. I love that.

That's amazing.
That's literally all you need.
TRACY: But that's funny!

KIM: You know?
CHRIS: But would he do that?

- But we're laughing
just thinking about that.
- Yeah, if, if Dave

tells him to do it--
- He'll do it.

- If Dave Chappelle
says it's funny, it's funny.

Like, that's, that's all I need.
I don't need a whole audience.

- I feel like you're gonna be great.
- Like, what-- But what--

They were like, "Can you sing?" Nope.
"Can you dance?" Nope.

"Can you act?" No.
"Can you do accents?" Nope.

Like, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

You're gonna kill it.

♪

[barks]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Joge.
I do have a bone to pick with you.

- Just about SKIMS. One thing.

- So, you know I--
You guys make fun of me for having

a bigger... vagina than most.

I'm wearing--
KOURTNEY: Hi.

- I'm telling her about a bone
I have to pick with her.

You know the bodysuit one?

It's, like, the one it--
There's ruching here.

So, I'm wearing it right now
and it's amazing, but it's a sliver.

Is it supposed to just cover my clit?

The vagina needs a little more fabric,
just a little wider.

And for all you little bitches,
why does it matter?

- Big Puss Club.

- The widthwise is
what she's talking about.

Like, you don't want it-- your vagina
hanging out of the sides of the SKIMS.

[laughs] Um... yeah.

- You look fab.
- I was, like, screaming

at Kanye and his stylist
'cause I said the clothes have to be

at my house at 11:00,
and by 12:30, I'm like,

"I'm leaving. I'm going out the door."

And now, I look like
I'm in the [bleep] Matrix.

I just want the outfits, like,
lined up in my room.

Monday, Tuesday-- I'm a robot.
I will, like, operate as such.

- Is someone gonna do that for you?

- Well, it's Kanye.

He says he wants to quit everything...
KHLOÉ: Oh.

- ...and just dedicate his life
to being... my stylist.

KHLOÉ: Your stylist.

Well, I think he should still,
maybe, do a little music,

a little Adidas designing,

and then, he can do that on the side.

KIM:
You know, Kanye and I remain friends.

Kanye's always dressed me,
he's always styled me.

In the early 2000s, he would
literally, just send me random emails

with all these looks
and what my style should be.

"Only wear crop tops
and pencil skirts right now."

Or, "It's all about a boot
with, like, a skirt,"

and he'll send me, like,
so many reference pictures.

So, that's always really been our thing.

But there's also a side of me
that wants total independence, too.

WAITER: Hello there, ladies.
- Hi.

- Hi, how are you?
WAITER: How're you doing today?

Very well. Thank you.
- Thank you.

- [gasps] I'm gonna get
a grilled artichoke.

KHLOÉ: Oh, she scared me.

- With a side of mayonnaise
and the skinny onion rings.

- I'm gonna get an impossible burger
and sweet potato fries.

- May I please get the iceberg lettuce
wedge as well, but all chopped?

Can I add tomato to it?
And can I add egg and ranch dressing?

- May I get that please? Chopped as well.
WAITER: Sure.

- She just knows what she's doing.
- I'll just get that, too, since every--

- Shut up, are you?

We are foodies.

That's why we work out the way we do

because we'll order everything
and we scarf it down,

and we pray for forgiveness later.
It's... horrible.

- Ooh, what's a blueberry patch?
Oh, cocktails.

Thought it was a blueberry pie.

- Fat ass.
PRODUCER: No, we--

- I'm just kidding. I'm not talkin'
'bout me, I'm talkin' 'bout Kim.

No, just kidding.

Thank you.
- Is that from the fountain?
Like, the Diet Coke?

- Oh.
- Ah.

- Then I'll stick with my iced tea.

I love a good fountain soda, so.

I don't think I've ever
had better onion rings.

- So, you know, Scott and I spoke about
how he wasn't invited to the barbecue.

- Mm-hm.
KIM: Oh my god, what did he say?

- He was, actually,
so incredibly receptive

and he was so calm

'cause I said, "Scott, honestly,

"we did you a favor by not inviting
you because it was so intimate.

"Like, you don't wanna sit there

and be exposed to, like,
you and Travis making out."

- So, he asked me about it and said,
"Do you not want me at this barbecue?"

And I was like, you know,
"Your actions need to, like,

match up with, like, you wanting
to be a part of this, then act like it."

I was in Italy, and he was DMing Younes.

♪ tense music plays ♪

KHLOÉ: Ooh, you brought that up to him?
KOURTNEY: And then, I was like,

"That's not really the vibe."
KHLOÉ: The vibe.

"Don't go DMing my ex-boyfriend."

When I was in Italy with Travis
on our summer vacation,

I woke up to a text from Scott saying,

"I'm so sorry. I DM'd your
ex-boyfriend who I can't stand."

He sent me a screenshot of it
and said he posted it on his story.

He was asking if he could,
like, apologize--

- To Travis?

KOURTNEY: Yeah.
KIM: That was nice.

KHLOÉ: That is nice.
- And then, I wrote him,

"This is despicable."
KHLOÉ: You didn't tell any of us that.

- I said, "This is despicable."
I was like--

KHLOÉ: You pulled out the big word.
- Yeah.

For so many years,

Scott's always gotten away
with bad behavior

and still been invited,

and I don't think that's gonna continue.

- It could be me or Kim if Kourt's
too uncomfortable to say something.

I don't mind doing it, but I--

- Yeah, but wh-- No.
Why do we have to call?

So, every time we're doing anything,

having a seven-person barbecue,
we have to say--

KIM: Well, here's the thing-- No.

- Me kissing... the love
of my life is not... anything bad.

- Why do you have to laugh
every time you say it?

You can own it.
- I'm not. I'm just saying,

is not anything--

Like, I don't want it
to be taken negatively,

and so, like, he'll--
- But it's gonna be taken negatively

to someone that's not getting their way,

so you can't let that affect you.
KOURTNEY: Yeah, but I'm just--

No, I don't, and I will continue to--

KHLOÉ: Ignore.
- live my life and pretend
no one's watching.

- Ha!

♪

KRIS: Kim?
- Wow, what an ambience in here.

KRIS: It always smells so good
in here, doesn't it?

KHLOÉ: What?

- Why am I always talking to myself?
- 'Cause you're old.

KRIS: Awesome.

- I did 15-minute glam today.
- You look so beautiful.

KIM: You look so cute.
KOURTNEY: Thank you.

- Look how cute I look.
KHLOÉ: You do look cute, Mom.

You are the cutest.

So, what's goin' on here?
Is this a little SNL packing?

KIM: Yes.
KHLOÉ: Ooh!

[phone buzzing]
KIM: Hold on. Marty calling.

Hi, I saw it.

Can I patch you in with Tracy
and I'm here with my mom?

MARTY [on phone]: Sure.
- And you're on speaker,

and we're filming my show,
and I'm with my sisters.

I mean, I just have
so much to do this week.

SNL is coming up.

Already stressed out about that,

and then, my lawyer calls
about the threats

that there's more footage
from the sex tape that's been out there.

- What tape?
- So, Ray J's manager

is claiming he has a sex tape...
- Oh.

- ...of us in Santa Barbara.
- Oh, oh, oh.

KIM:
This all started earlier at the barbecue.

Ahh!

It was clickbait insinuating
that if you click on it,

there was gonna be
a new sex tape coming out.

Had my son been a little bit older
and been able to read, like,

I would've been mortified,
but I... died inside.

Marty, I am... 99.9%

[laughing]
sure that no other tape exists.

This is supposed to be unreleased footage.

I really don't know what they have.

For 20 years, this has been held
over my head... of this mistake.

Or is it a mistake?
It was my boyfriend, you know, of years.

We go on a trip; we film a video.

It's embarrassing for that
to be out there,

but it's not the most scandalous thing,

and I'm not gonna be
made to feel that way.

I'm just human.

- Didn't we deal with this
the first season of Keeping Up?

This is a good omen, you guys.
- What's a good omen?

KHLOÉ: Talking about s--
your sex tape in the first season.

I feel like we're back to day one.

- Oh my god, how amazing.
KHLOÉ: It's a good omen.

- Um, so, what do we do, Marty?

TRACY [on phone]: Marty,
let's say it's a brand-new tape

that Kim doesn't even know exists.

- I mean, I-I'm 99% sure,

but the fact that these people
keep saying they have a tape,

what if I was [bleep] sleeping
and he stuck a dildo up my ass?

I don't know.
- Oh my gosh.

I would hope you would wake up from that.
KIM: I don't remember anything.

It's completely illegal,
have Marty scare the shit out of this guy.

TRACY: Whatever he has,
isn't that considered stolen property?

- I'll sue for nominal damages.

The message is more important
than the dollars at this point.

The messaging.

- You're not doing anything wrong.

You're protecting yourself
and your reputation

for your children's sake.

KIM: Yeah, and I'm not
doing anything wrong.

I'm protecting myself
for my reputation and my children's sake.

- [whispers]: Good one.

- It's 5 P.M. We gotta move fast.
- They're gonna post this. Like, soon.

We gotta move fast
and start calling people.

MARTY: All right, let me call.
- Okay, let me call you back.

Let me just call Kanye really quick.
KRIS: I have his number.

[line ringing]

- It's okay.

It's okay.
- It's not okay, though.

It's not, you know? On Roblox.

You know, Saint was on Roblox yesterday,

and a [bleep] thing popped up
and he started laughing

and was like, "Mommy, look,"
and it was a picture of my cry face.

And it was a game that
someone made of Roblox [sniffles]

and it said "Kim's New Sex Tape"
when you clicked on it.

Thank god he can't [bleep] read yet,

and it's, like, over my dead body
is this shit gonna happen to me again.

I just want it gone... you know?

This is not gonna [bleep] with me...
Like, it's not.

So, I just want it gone.

KRIS: I am a mama bear.

These are my children.
This is my whole life.

And it's really hard to see
my kids go through stuff like this

when people are always trying to attack.

- It's just annoying, you know?

Like, I almost died when, like,
Saint thought it was funny.

The one thing that got me kinda
just, like, more calm about it

was when I was crying, Kanye was like,

"Listen, you have the power.
Nothing will cancel you.

Stop worrying about
the public perception,"

like, "You know who you are."

Okay, wait, this is, this is
them calling about this thing.

Let me call you right back. Okay, bye.

Okay, so here's the thing, Marty.

Get something drafted and so that
it can be taken down immediately.

I don't want it to be copied.
I have four [bleep] kids.

I can't go through this again.

This was, like, 20 years ago.

I'm not gonna go through this again.

I know the right attorneys this time.

I know exactly what to do this time.

I'm not gonna let this happen to me again.

So, we're gonna get on top of this.

I have all the time, all the money,
and all of the resources

to burn them all to the [bleep] ground.

KIM:
This season on The Kardashians...

I'm excited for this new chapter
for people to see.

- Live from New York.

- Hi, I'm Kim Kardashian West
and I'm hosting SNL this week.

- I don't know.
- Or his big [bleep].

- I don't know who that is.

- Woo!

- Our lives are so hectic and busy.

- What a good problem to have.

Two sisters that are supposed
to have the same cover.

KRIS:
For American Vogue.

KIM: No matter what,
with how big our family is,

we always have an emergency.

- You're freakin' me out
with scissors right there.

- Oh shit.

KRIS: Oh shit.
ALL: Oh shit.

KOURTNEY:
Travis and I want to have a baby.

- No spit?
- No spit.

[screaming]

- One of the biggest things
in her life is about to happen

and Kourtney has no idea.

[cheering]

- Do you have, like, sympathy for Scott?

- Yeah.
- 'Cause it doesn't feel like you do.

- Could you imagine if I singled you out,

the only person that I cared about,

I deliberately didn't invite?

- But, Scott, I'm saying sorry. What I'm--
- I've not heard you say sorry.

- I'm out. This is so [bleep] ridiculous.
- Oh my god.

- We're not the problem,
you're the [bleep] problem,

and here's what the problem is,

that we [bleep] covered
for you [bleep] assholes

this many times.

KRIS: We always have
something super important.

- Kanye flew home last night.
I wanna show you guys what he got me.

KRIS: Oh my god.
KIM: It'll never stop.

Did you see what I sent you?

He's been lying to you.
He did a full declaration.

♪ tense music playing ♪

Oh my god.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Livin' the good life, good life ♪

♪ Good life, good life ♪

♪ Livin' the good, good, good life ♪

♪

♪