All language subtitles for Greg.Davies.Firing.Cheeseballs.At.A.Dog.2011.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]ENG

MUSIC: In Between Days
by The Cure

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

LAUGHTER

This programme contains
strong language

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

and adult humour that some viewers
may find offensive.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome to the stage Greg Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How lovely. Thank you very much.

Hello, hello, hello, all right?
Hello. CROWD: Hello!

Thanks for coming, nice to be here.

Erm... Yes, well, there we are.

A quick flash through my childhood

and there is the horrific
up-to-date specimen.

Nice to have this immortalised.

LAUGHTER

Hello. CROWD: Hello.

I'll apologise before we start
properly for this shirt.

As you can see, it is clearly for
a man three feet shorter than me.

I thought I'd got away with it
because I've done that classic

fat-man thing of combining an
ill-fitting shirt with a T-shirt,

not realising that this
clearly also doesn't fit me.

LAUGHTER

I can only apologise to you
and the people at home, indeed.

As I get more animated during
the show, as I surely will...

LAUGHTER

I don't know what that was.

..you're going to see a lot more
of me than you bargained for.

I'm very sorry. The only thing I can
offer to put the ladies at ease

is that I am of no sexual threat
whatsoever.

I'm 42 years of age, I literally
have to hit it with nettles.

LAUGHTER

Sex with me these days is akin
to thumbing marshmallows

into the anus of a cat.

Thought I'd start low, build it up.

There's kind of two versions
of the show - clean and dirty.

I'm going to go with dirty,
based on that reaction.

CHEERING

My show, ladies and gentlemen, is
called Firing Cheeseballs At A Dog.

Why is that, Greg?
CROWD: Why is that, Greg?

I'll tell you.

I went on holiday last year with
a friend and colleague of mine,

Marek Larwood. He's a small
bald man. Yay! There we are.

Some people know him.
He's hilarious. We decided...

And this is an insult to every
person in the country with a job.

We decided last year
that through our work,

we had become incredibly stressed.

Now, look at what I do for a living.
It's not hard work, right?

But we thought we were
terribly stressed.

"We will have to go
and discover ourselves!"

So we hired a remote cottage on a
mountainside in Andalucia in Spain.

Two things happened
in the remote hideaway

that gave the show its title.

Number one, day one,
I almost died. Right?

QUIET LAUGHTER
Thank you.

I got electrocuted.
I genuinely got electrocuted.

I picked up a wire in this cottage,

thinking it was just an
innocent wire. It was live.

I took 300 volts
through my fat carcass,

I danced off the end of that wire

like an out-of-shape epileptic
Michael Flatley, right?

It was one of the more humiliating
sights you will ever see -

a 6'8", 20-stone man
screaming like a child.

I was going, "No, please! Please!

"Let me live, let me live!"
LAUGHTER

I finally freed myself from the
thing, I ran round to find Marek.

I went, "Did you not hear me?"
He went, "What?"

I said, "Did you not
hear me screaming?

"I've just been electrocuted!"
This is a side point, really.

He said,
"Yes, I heard you screaming.

"I just thought
you'd seen a spider."

To make me scream like that,

it would have to have been
a giant spider

with Peter Mandelson
on its back, wanking.

LAUGHTER

It's horrendous.

So I managed to calm myself down
and waited for what I think is

a God-given right for anyone
who's almost died -

I waited for my epiphany.

The moment where I would
understand life,

cos if you almost die,
that's what happens, right?

You suddenly understand life better.

I waited for ten hours. I gave up
in the end and fell asleep.

Day two, incident two,

Marek and I, we came down
the little winding concrete track

from the house on the hill
in our hire car

to buy provisions
for the whole week away.

Now, I am an adult, right?

I am 42 years of age,
hard to believe.

LAUGHTER

Marek is an adult.

After one hour of shopping
for seven days away,

we returned up the mountain track
with two things.

I had bought a massive bag
of these - Cheeseballs.

They're a round, Wotsit-like snack,
they are nutrition-free,

they will sustain a human being
for six fucking seconds.

If you think that's pathetic,
Marek had bought a catapult.

LAUGHTER

That's it, right?
For a whole week away.

We were driving back up
the mountain track going,

"Yeah, that'll do! We'll survive
on that for a whole week!",

when we met the first character
of my story.

We met this character here. A dog.

LAUGHTER

It was the dog. It was sitting
in the middle of the track,

blocking the path of the hire car.

If I'm honest with you,
it pissed me off straight away.

LAUGHTER

I gave it a little beep on the horn.
In my mind, the dog did this.

LAUGHTER

What the fuck is this?

I gave him another little beep
and in my mind, the dog did this...

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.

So I gave him a third beep
and in my mind, the dog did this...

COD MEXICAN ACCENT:
"Yes! Yes, my friend!

LAUGHTER

"I block your path!

"I will...

"I will not move for you!

"And, yes, that's right -
I am a Mexican dog!"

"You weren't expecting that
in Spain, were you?

"If any of the other shows on
my tour are anything to go by,

"I could become French in a minute!"

LAUGHTER

COD FRENCH ACCENT:
"I will not move for you!"

I'm pretty French already.

"I will not move for you!

"I will block your path!

"And I will flagrantly
lick my penis and testicles...

"..without so much as a hint
of a bad back..."

LAUGHTER

"Unlike you when you were 14...

"..and you only managed
to get the tip in." Right!

Deal with it. It happened.
LAUGHTER

It wasn't going to move.
It wasn't going to move.

Then we realised...

..we had everything we needed.

I got the massive bag of Cheeseballs
out. Marek got the catapult out.

Not a word went between us.
We knelt down and, one by one,

we fired a whole
family bag of snacks

into that arrogant prick's face.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I laughed my bollocks off.

And that's when it happened.

That's when I got the epiphany that
I should have had 24 hours earlier,

because as I fired crisps
into that confused animal's face,

I thought, "Oh, my God...

"..this is as good as life gets."

LAUGHTER

Because when I was firing crisps
into a dog's face,

I wasn't worried about my past,
I wasn't worried about the present,

about health, about my parents,
about the future.

I was just thinking, "If I hit him
in the nose often enough,

"it will turn orange."
LAUGHTER

It was liberating.

I was laughing for an hour
afterwards.

After one hour I was still,
"Hee-hee-hee!"

Two hours, "Ooh-ha-ha-ha!"

On hour three, I thought,
"This isn't normal.

"You shouldn't be laughing at this
any more. It's not that funny."

So I did a bit of psychoanalysis
on myself and I worked it out.

I've worked out that I inherited
two things off my mum.

Number one, massive tits.

LAUGHTER

Number two, a glass-is-half-empty
approach to life.

Whatever I'm doing,
I think it's going to go wrong.

Whatever I'm looking forward to,

I think it's going to get cancelled
and someone is going to die, right?

It is the worst way
to live your life

because you are never truly present.

You are never just doing something,
you're thinking outside it,

worrying about what's happened
or what's about to happen.

For once, when I was
firing crisps at a dog,

I was just doing something, right?

I thought, this is how
I want to remember my life.

I want to look back on my life
and remember only the times

where I was lost in time,
just doing something.

I thought, I wonder if I can
sustain a whole life story

using that system.
You'd think no. Yes!

Let's crack on
with the main narrative.

Years one to ten. I will cover
years one to ten in one incident.

I will summarise that incident
with the word AWKWARD.

LAUGHTER

Because I want to remember
the first time ever

that I was lost in space
just doing something.

I've remembered it,
it's my first memory.

I was three years of age,
I was sitting in a pram

outside a supermarket, waiting
for my mum to do her shopping.

She'd left me outside on my own
at three years of age.

It would appear, in the early 1970s,
there weren't any paedophiles.

LAUGHTER

I'll do a little diagram
of this for you.

I was sitting in a pram.
Here's the pram.

Yes, there it is.

Here's the little wheels.
Look, there they are.

Yes? Here's little Greg.

Little three-year-old Greg,
smiling away.

There he is. Nice.

Here's his legs.

LAUGHTER

Here's his fucking arms, look.

It looked like someone
had tried to Sellotape

a spider monkey into an egg cup.

I've seen the pictures -
humiliating.

Half child, half mutant octopus.

I was sitting there
minding my own business

when a little old lady came up.

She put an ice pop in my hand and
I remember like it was yesterday,

I took it off her,
I started eating the ice pop,

I didn't give a shit who she was,

I didn't give a shit
where my mum had gone.

I was just eating an ice pop.
I was just there, in time.

Nice memory.

I thought!

Until I told my mum about it.

She said, "I remember that, love.

"There's something about that
you don't remember."

I went, "I'm sorry?"

She said, "I came out
of the supermarket, love,

"and that old lady was still there
and you were eating your ice pop

"and she looked down at you and
when she realised I was your mum,

"she looked up at me and said
only these words..."

This is a real quote.

"Oh, I'm so sorry for you.

"That is a shame."

What the fuck is that?!

That is an adult
saying to my mother,

"I am so sorry
that your foetid vagina

"threw up this aborted Mr Tickle.

"Take it home
and stamp it to death."

They're not all going to be
happy memories, that's my point.

11 to 18, secondary school,
formative years.

I was quite bullied
in secondary school,

but I won't mention that
because this is a comedy show.

Instead, I will just mention a man
first of all. This man here.

Fat Chan!

Here he is. Yes, please!

LAUGHTER

Fat Chan was the name of
the head teacher at my school.

Obviously, not his real name.
It was a nickname we gave him.

It was a nickname, ladies and
gentlemen, that was 50% accurate,

because Fat Chan, as you can see
from my diagram, was certainly fat.

Tick.

He wasn't, however,
of a racially Oriental background.

LAUGHTER

We called him Fat Chan

because he had slightly slittier
eyes than an average person.

Let me tell you,
in 1980s Shropshire,

that kind of racism
was entirely acceptable.

Names.

I was shitting myself about
being bullied when I went to school.

My mother pulled me to one side
and she said this.

EFFEMINATELY: She said,
"You listen to me, Greg Davies.

"The bullies, yeah?

"They can take your sweets...

"..they can take your..."

Sorry, I have no idea why my mum
sounds like a camp man.

LAUGHTER

"They can take your sweets."

She was wearing a ruffled shirt,

she said,
"They can take your sweets...

LAUGHTER

"..they can take your dinner money,

"they can take your clothes..."
Which was a strange one.

LAUGHTER

She said, "..but I'll tell you
what they can't take off you,

"Greg Davies.
They can never take your name.

"We gave you that.

"No-one can take your name off you.
That's yours forever."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that,
of course, is horseshit, isn't it?

As I think I've already proved
with Fat Chan.

LAUGHTER

Children can take your name
in a heartbeat with no reason.

With no reason.

And I can prove it.
I've prepared some for you.

These are all genuine nicknames
from my year group at school.

Not even my whole school. This is
my year group. They're all real.

Feast your eyes on these.

I've not made any of them up.
Tell me how fair you think they are.

Bad Back, boy in my year.

I'll throw this in for you,
a bit of side fun.

He was round at my mum's house
a couple of weeks ago

fitting a new shower.
LAUGHTER

Bad Back was called Bad Back
for five school years

because on ONE DAY...

..he had a bad back.

It wasn't a re-occurring injury.
He came in one day and went,

"I've got a bit of
a bad back today, lads."

We went, "Right, that's you fucked
for five years. Lovely."

LAUGHTER

Polly, slightly more sinister.

He had a nasty burn
down one of his arms.

It would appear on that occasion,
Polly...

put the kettle on his arm,
so that's...

Don't shoot the messenger!

Spunk Eye, AKA Popeye.

Two nicknames, one boy.
Stephen Jenkins.

Let me tell you how Stephen
got those nicknames

using only the facts.

Because I was there.
This is what happened, ready?

Stephen Jenkins
was in a science lesson.

He rubbed his eye...

It went a little bit red.

LAUGHTER

There are no more facts associated
with either of those names.

Within 24 hours,
everyone was calling him Popeye

because the rumour went round
that he'd rubbed his eye so hard

it had popped out onto his cheek!

And he chased everyone round
like a Doctor Who monster.

A work of fiction, right?

Then someone overheard him
in the corridor say,

"I quite like the nickname Popeye"

and a whole school year went, "Well,
that's not fucking happening!"

So, a new rumour went round
that we all believed.

That Stephen Jenkins
was in a science lesson,

power-wanking...

..and a jet of teenage spunk

had flew out of the end
of his cannon-like penis,

knocked his eye out of his head,

and it flew out of a window
and into the playground.

A total work of fiction.

A nice short one this. He was a boy
called Kevin and he had long hair.

Lovely.

LAUGHTER

This is my favourite, Baghdad.
I still know this man.

David. He's a friend of mine.

He's still called Baghdad.

He's 43 years of age,
he is a father of three,

he has his own business...

He got it age 11
and you might be thinking,

"Well, maybe it was some clever
connection with the Middle East?"

"Maybe that's why David
got the name Baghdad!

"Some clever..."

No.

David was called Baghdad
after the first summer of school

because he came in with a new bag...

LAUGHTER

..that he informed us
had been bought for him...

..by his dad!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

30 years!

30 years I've been laughing at that!

And here's the best bit.
His kids call him Baghdad!

So, I've been kind of gathering
nicknames on my tour so far.

My favourite audience suggestions
are as follows.

That one made me laugh.

That one pleased me.

And this last one I think is
the greatest nickname of all time.

Arrogant statement,
but I'll prove it.

I think this gentleman
was in Birmingham.

He was a lovely,

very camp 18-year-old
who was sitting in the front.

I went, "What was your nickname?"
and he said, "It is Gandhi still."

I said, "Why are you called Gandhi?"

"Because my name's Andy
and I'm gay and they just..."

APPLAUSE

I think this was in Scotland.
He'd had half an ear bitten off

in a fight, and I went,
"Right, 18 months, why?"

He goes, "Oh, 'ear and a half."
Lovely!

LAUGHTER

In my opinion, the greatest nickname
of all time, Mumbo.

And the reason I think that
is because he was fucked off still.

He was about 45 and he was angry.

I saw him in the corner of my eye,
his friends were going,

"Go on, tell him yours!"
He was going, "Fuck off!"

I went, "Go on, mate. Tell us.
It's only a bit of a laugh."

He says, "OK. It was Mumbo,
all right?"

I went, "OK, it's fine.
It was a long time ago."

"Why were you called Mumbo?"
And this is how he said it.

He goes, "Well, because apparently
my mum's got BO!"

Not even anything he'd done!

He just had a stinky fucking mum!

21 to 33. The DARK YEARS!

And I made the worst decision
of my entire life.

I decided at 21 it would be
a good idea to become a teacher.

Not a pretend telly teacher,
a real teacher.

I did the hard yards
for that fucking part!

Any teachers here?
CHEERS

Awesome! Primary or secondary?

Primary?

Not really teaching, is it?
LAUGHTER

I'm joking, of course!

I think teachers are amazing
and I shouldn't be taking the piss

out of a primary school teacher
because I used to teach drama!

I say teach...
"What are we doing today, Sir?"

"Make up a play,
see you in an hour!"

LAUGHTER

"What about homelessness?" Whatever!

There's only one thing that got me
through it and that was the kids.

Because kids' behaviour, and even
parents will agree with me on this,

kids' behaviour is all
of the following things -

it is wonderful, it is horrific

and it is, my favourite,

really fucking odd.

I taught a group of children
in North London.

They are the strangest group
of human beings

I have ever seen assembled
in one place together, right?

You can all relax,
they weren't special needs!

I'll talk you through some of them.

There was a child called Marwood
in that group.

Never believed
that was his real name.

He was the king of the weirdos and
I'll prove it with one description.

I once said to him, "Hey, Marwood,
what are you going to do when you

"leave school?" No hesitation,
he goes, "I'm going to be one

"of two things, sir. I'm going to be
a train driver or a gynaecologist."

I said, "They're rather contrasting
professions, Marwood."

He didn't pause, he went,
"No, you're right, sir. They are.

"I suppose, at the end of the day,
I just like tunnels!"

Ginger Pete.
Naughtiest child I ever taught.

This big, he was in trouble
20 times a day, serious trouble.

He had one redeeming feature.

He admitted to anything
he'd done straight away.

You didn't have to waterboard
Ginger Pete, he'd just tell you.

And I'll prove it.

I once came to my drama studio
and in big letters on the door,

a child had written this.

"Mr Davies is a bellend."

LAUGHTER

And I went in, I went, "Eh? Sorry?!

"Has anyone seen what's
been written on my door?

"Because I actually find that
fairly offensive."

And they all went...
HE MUMBLES

"Seriously, who's written Mr Davies
is a bellend on the door?"

This is what Ginger Pete did.
"Oh, yeah, that was me, sir!"

I forgave him 90% there and then.
I forgave him 100% when I realised

he'd included the word Mr.
Mr Bellend, that's respect!

LAUGHTER

There was a child called Gavin
in the group.

When you were at school, any of you,

and you didn't believe something
that someone was saying to you,

how many of you here would
use this physical motion?

Now, at my school,
we used to say "chinny reckon".

To this day, I don't know
what "chinny reckon" means.

I've discovered
that around the country,

people had different ones,
so what did you say?

Jimmy Hill. Jimmy Hill! Old school!

Nice! Itchy chin.

Desperate Dan. Desperate Dan!

That's lovely. Even older school.
Anyone others?

Arsehole. What?!

Arsehole. Arsehole?

LAUGHTER

Seriously?! Arsehole?

LAUGHTER

Is that honestly what you said?
Yeah.

Arsehole? I went to a convent.

You went to a convent?
Well, that explains it!

I heard one the other day
that I've never heard before,

which I think is amazing.
Tutankhamun, which is lovely.

If it's a really big lie,
Tutankhamun all the way to the moon!

At the school I taught at, it was
just the word beard. That's it.

"Beard."

"Don't believe you, beard."
"Beard."

Gavin hadn't been through puberty
yet, so he said it like this.

HIGH-PITCHED: "Beard! Beard!"

I would go, "Gavin,
how are you today?" "Beard!"

"No, I said how are you today?"
"Beard!" "Gavin, how are you today?"

"Beard!" And for the whole lesson.
"You're not in our group!" "Beard!"

"Gavin, stop messing around!"
"Beard!"

"Gavin, give me my coat back!"
"Beard!"

"Gavin, get off the chair!"
"Beard! Beard! Beard! Beard!"

50 times a lesson, every week,
he was a fat prick!

LAUGHTER

There was a child that more than
made up for him, though.

Karen Powell.

My favourite pupil
that I ever taught.

Karen was 11 years of age and she
had two fascinating characteristics.

No!

Number one, her internal compass
was fucked.

For some reason, she was 20 minutes
late to every single lesson,

I don't know why. Number two,
even though she was 11,

she spoke like a repressed
1940s housewife.

You will think I'm exaggerating
this impression, I'm not.

This is how she spoke.

"Hello, sir, how are you today?"

I'd be biting through my fucking lip
trying not to laugh

when she came in.

I'd go, "I'm all right, thanks,
Karen, yeah. How are you?"

She'd go, "I'm very well!"

I'll give you an idea
of her compass.

She once came to see me
after a lesson and she went,

"Excuse me, sir, could I
have a word with you, please?"

I went, "Always, Karen."

She said, "I just wanted
to say something to you.

"I thought that my performance
in your lesson today

"was a little below par."

I said, "Really?
I thought you were excellent."

"That's very kind.
That's very kind. No, but, no...

"No, I thought my characterisation
was paper thin,

"my use of space was appalling and
my group work was an abomination.

"And if you would permit me,

"I would like to offer you
my most humble of apologies."

LAUGHTER

I said, "You listen to me,
Karen Powell.

"You never need to apologise to me,
young lady.

"You are my favourite pupil

"because you make me laugh
my fucking head off."

"Now go outside and enjoy your
lunch time. You've deserved it.

She said, "Do you know what, sir?
I think I will."

Now, at the time, I was depressed.
I didn't want to be there.

I blamed them for trapping me there.

And one of the worst things,
any teacher will tell you,

is the amount of paperwork
we have to do.

You have to do a thing
called a scheme of work.

You have to plan, for years, for all
year groups, for all ability groups,

take into consideration pupils'
personalities, everything.

Takes hours, weeks.

I didn't want to do any of that cos
I was depressed and I hated them,

so I created one lesson...

..for all children.

LAUGHTER

It was called...

DEEP VOICE: Space Mission.

And it was a clinically depressed
man reading from an empty book.

It was blank, I used to read out
this space mission,

they would act it out in
shuttle groups around the room,

they'd act it out in silence,
I'd make it up as I was going along,

at the end of the lesson,
I'd fuck off, that was it, right?

The only mistake I made
was that they loved it.

I didn't want them to, I hated them,
but they loved it.

So I would be sitting
in between lessons like this,

"Kill me, please",

and they would come into
my lesson like this,

"Can we come in, sir?

"Can we come in?

And I'd go, "Yes. Come in."

They'd go, "Oh! Are we doing
Space Mission again?

"Are we doing Space Mission today?"

And I'd go, "Yes, we're doing Space
Mission. Get into your shuttles.

"GET INTO YOUR SHUTTLES!"

And they'd go running into
their little shuttles.

I'd go, "Yes, all right, calm down.

"Right, where were we last week?"
All the hands.

"Yes, Alan, where were we?"

"Sir, we were on the surface
of a dangerous planet."

"We were, weren't we, Alan?"

I'm glad you told me because
I can't fucking remember.

"And how were we feeling? Sophie?"

"Oh, we were nervous,
we were nervous and excited!"

"We were, weren't we, Sophie?
We were so nervous, so excited.

"And what did the commander
of all the shuttles say?"

I let Marwood answer this.

This is a real conversation
with me and that boy.

"Yes, Marwood, what did the
commander of the shuttle say?"

"Oh, no, sir, I want to ask you
a question."

I went, "OK, fine, thanks."
He said, "Can you do the lambada?"

LAUGHTER

I said, "No, I can't."
He went, "OK. Thanks, carry on."

LAUGHTER

I'd start the lesson, right.

I used to have a mic in my hand,
pathetic, just to make myself laugh,

and control of
the drama studio lights.

I'd go, "Right, let's start!"

DEEP VOICE: "Space Mission.

"Episode 143."

LAUGHTER

"And so, our brave warriors were on
the surface of the dangerous planet.

"They were all very,
very frightened."

"Beard!" "Yes, they were, Gavin!"

LAUGHTER

"They decide...

"They decided they would take off
from the dangerous planet,

"so they strapped themselves in."

Then a door would open.
CREAKING

"I'm sorry I'm late, sir."

"That's fine, Karen.
Go and join Ginger Pete's group."

"They fired the boosters."

All of them shaking, they were
convinced they were taking off.

"Ooh! We're taking off!"

On their little stools,
and I'd look at them and I'd think,

"I want you all fucking dead!"

So I'd change the story
just to piss them off.

I'd go, "And then something awful
happened." "Ah! What happened?"

"The power failed."

I'd go to red.

They would shit themselves.

LAUGHTER

And I'd go, "Yes!"

"Yes, my little friends.

"The power failed.

"And each of them thought about
their mummies and daddies..."

"..who they'd never see again."

"And one by one, each of the
astronauts thought, 'Oh, God.'"

"'How did I get here?'"

"'In this little, dark space...

"'..with these people.'"

"'I mean, I worked so hard
at school.'"

"'They said at college
I'd definitely get acting work.

"'Just because I was tall,
they said.

"'And yet here I am,

"'trapped with these little rats,
eating my soul from inside.

"'It's like the slowest death
of all time.

"'It's awful. It's fu...'"

"Excuse me, sir,
is this part of the story?"

"No, it's not, Karen.
I do apologise."

LAUGHTER

"And then, in the darkness,

"they heard footsteps."

LOUD THUD
"Ah!"

LOUD THUD
"No!" "Yes!"

"Oh, Sir! What is it?"

"Fuck knows!"

LOUD THUDS

"And then, just for a second,

"the whole window was filled
with one giant set of teeth!"

I go to blackout, they go mental.

I put the lights back on
and I go,

"Yeah, well, that's it
for this lesson, kids.

"Find out what happens next time."
And they'd all go,

"Ah! He's the greatest teacher
of all time!

"He's the greatest teacher
of all time!"

And I'd go out to the back of
the drama studio and smoke and cry.

LAUGHTER

On that particular occasion,
Karen Powell made me laugh

harder than I think I can ever
remember laughing.

She walked past me and I went,
"See you next lesson, Karen."

And she went, "Perhaps."

I said, "Perhaps?
Did you not enjoy that?"

"No, I didn't, actually."
I said, "But you love drama."

She goes, "Yes, but I didn't enjoy
that very much."

I said, "Why not?" She said,
"I'll tell you if you like."

"I'm pretty sure
that during that blackout, yeah?

"Pretty sure, not 100%,

"I'm pretty sure that someone tried
to pull my trousers and pants down."

And I went, "Who the hell did that?"

And Ginger Pete went,
"That was me, sir!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I thought I was going to laugh
in her face.

I managed to stop myself
by bollocking him,

full-on bollocking,
and he stopped me and said

the greatest quote
I think I've ever heard -

"Hang on, Sir, sorry.
I feel awful. I'm really sorry.

"I feel really guilty about Karen.

"I just thought it was
the opportunity of a lifetime."

33 to present day,
the home stretch. OLD!

Not quite in keeping with
the rest of the show, this.

I do try and keep it light.

But I find the ageing process
extremely difficult.

The build up to being 40
is horrific.

A lot of middle-aged men get
very angry with young people.

I'm not one of those men.

I love seeing the kids
have a nice time.

Some lovely young, fresh faces here.

That's nice.

Just prove it to you now.

Hello. Hello. What's your name?

Lucy. Hello, Lucy.
Welcome to the show.

APPLAUSE

And tell me, Lucy.

How old are you? 21. 21.

LAUGHTER

Do you like being 21, Lucy?

Course you do, it's amazing.
It's amazing, isn't it?

Lucy...

Do you know what happens
when you get to 42?

I'll tell you. Look at me.

You walk past a nightclub, Lucy,

no-one offers you a flyer.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What the fuck is that?!

Like I don't want to
throw some shapes.

Like I don't know exactly
who the renegade master is.

LAUGHTER

D4 damager,
with the ill behaviour.

Erm, you know...

You know when I knew I was
officially middle-aged? Hang on.

Well, here's one of the moments.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Don't!

Don't patronise me.

You know when I knew
I was officially middle-aged?

I was in a shop called FCUK
about three months ago.

I shouldn't have been in there,
Lucy.

Look at the fucking state of me.
But I was in there,

and I was feeling pretty depressed
about none of the clothes fitting,

me being too old or too fat
or too tall for them,

I was feeling pretty low, when I
realised in the background there was

a song playing from my youth and it
made me happy in an instant, right?

It was a song by a band
called Dead Or Alive.

Who remembers Dead Or Alive?
CHEERING

What was their biggest hit?
SHOUTS FROM THE AUDIENCE

You Spin Me Round.
You Spin Me Round, Lucy.

A 1984 classic slice of
high-energy, gay pop disco.

In 1984 I had one thing
on my mind, right?

It was a girl I was totally
in love with called Nicola Francis.

I was absolutely obsessed with her,
right? Totally besotted by her.

And just for a side note, again,
for you,

I saw her about three months ago for
the first time in all those years.

Lucky escape.

Erm...

Munter. Munter.

GASPS/LAUGHTER

GREG LAUGHS

Says me!

At the time I loved her, you know?

And every time I walked past her,
for some reason that song seemed

to be playing in the background,
summing up my feelings, right.

It's not Shakespeare, Lucy.
It's a simple sentiment.

"You spin me right round, baby,
right round, like a record, baby."

That's a music storage system.

LAUGHTER

"Like a record, baby, right round."
Here's the twist - "round, round."

Not Shakespeare, but it reminds me
of a happy time, of a simple time,

so it made me happy.

Until I realised I wasn't
listening to the original.

I was listening to a cover version
by a gentleman called Flo Rida.

Some of the young people may
be familiar with Flo's work.

Flo's taken a bit of artistic
licence with a dance classic

and reworded it
in the following way.

And this is when I knew
I was officially middle-aged,

cos I promise you, I heard that
lyric and out loud in a shop

I reacted like this...

"Oh, no!"

I thought,
"Can we not have ONE song?!

"One song in the hit parade
that doesn't allude

"to munching away
on each other's private parts?!"

I'll tell you something else, Lucy.
Maybe I shouldn't,

maybe this is inappropriate,
but I'm going to...

At 42, I don't make the effort
to go down very often these days.

If it's a special occasion -
a birthday, something like that...

I'll tell you kids what I don't
want to look up and see,

and that's someone's fucking
head spinning round.

Like a massive owl!

LAUGHTER

Is that what you want,
you young people?!

To see me, a 42-year-old man,

licking the vagina
of a massive owl?!

A man old enough
to be Lucy's father,

lapping away at the soft folds
of a seven-foot hooting bird?!

You can't even get owls that big!

It would have to be the owl
from Jason And The Argonauts!

"Oh, Jason, the Mighty Owl
doth block our path."

"Bring forth Gregious of Shropshire,

"he will move the beast by lapping
away at its feathery growler!"

You are fucking sick, you children.
LAUGHTER

Warning.

Warning is a poem
that I used to do with the kids

when I was briefly an English
teacher before I was...discovered.

It's a nice poem, you know.
It's by a woman called...

HE LAUGHS
I've just realised this...

Look at this device that
they've used to hide my water.

LAUGHTER

Why?!

Why? Were you all going to go, "Look
at that water, it's disgusting!

"Fucking water on stage!" There.

LAUGHTER

"I don't want to look at
a fresh bottle of water!

"Fuck...!"

GREG LAUGHS

I mean, what were you thinking?

Did you think it would be
a magic trick halfway through?

I'm quite thirsty, ah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's right, I reached into
the darkness and I had water.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I like the poem. This young woman
says she wants to become a pensioner

and the reason is she thinks
that her youth has been boring.

She thinks that she's wasted those
golden years by being sober.

She says she wants to make up
for the sobriety of her youth.

It's a nice sentiment. I like it
because it tells young people

to stop messing about,
get on with life,

and it also paints an incredible
picture of old age, I think.

If we're all heading towards
a period where at last

we're ourselves and we're free,
then bring on old age,

is what I thought when
I first read the poem.

However...

..if Jenny Joseph met my dad...

..and saw the way that he's been
behaving for the last few years,

she would rip her poem up
and put it in the bin

because he...has gone...too...far.

He said to me two years ago,
before Christmas, this.

"Son, I am 72!"

I said, "I'm aware of that."
He said, "Yes.

"I've decided that from now on I
should behave exactly as I see fit."

I thought of Jenny Joseph
straight away and I said,

"I would welcome that, Dad."

He said, "I'm glad you agree
because this year,

"when you come home for Christmas, I
shall be wearing a festive outfit."

I went, "All right, then."

I got home for Christmas,
he was wearing his festive outfit.

I swear to you, it was one
giant pair of white underpants

that stretched from his knees
to just below his nipples.

Just below his nipples.

So much more offensive
than just above.

And a novelty Santa hat
with a flashing bulb on the end.

And he came downstairs, and this
is a quote, "Do you like?"

LAUGHTER

I said,
"I find it a bit challenging."

He said, "I don't give a shit
what you think."

Then he went off to eat some cheese.

This is where it gets weird.

I went out that night with some
of the people in my home town.

Midnight, in our home town,

my mother tells me in anticipation
of me coming home he did this.

He went upstairs
in his Panta outfit...

LAUGHTER

He went to my mother's sheet drawer,

he took out a double white sheet,
he placed that over his head,

he went out into their garden
and he hid in a bush.

With a view to giving me,
his then 40-year-old son,

a bit of a scare!

Now, presumably, my mother
is so sick of his shit,

that she decided not to tell him
something that she full well knew -

that on that occasion, I'd stayed
over at a friend's house.

And she left a 72-year-old fat man
with a sheet on his fucking head

in a bush for two hours.

There's no punch line.

My mum just felt guilty, after
two hours, put her arm around him

and went, "Come in, love.
He's not coming home."

And he apparently got to the front
door and said, "Oh, thank you, love.

"I was starting to get
dreadfully chilly."

I've been trying to work out
what's wrong with him for years.

I got my answer one year later.

We were sitting around
the Christmas table,

my sister had come home with
her baby and my brother-in-law

was looking after little Lucy
in the other room.

We're sitting round the table, Dad
was reading a broadsheet newspaper

for all of Christmas lunch.
The only reason we knew it was him

was because we could see
his flashing Santa hat.

My sister made up for being
pregnant for the last year

by drinking nearly three bottles
of wine to herself.

On Christmas Day, she was, in
old-fashioned parlance, shit-faced!

She said a word that rather
put the cat amongst the pigeons.

She said the word "blow job."

Now, maybe your mums
would be cool with that,

my mother is a very naive
67-year-old.

Lovely lady, but fiercely naive.

She heard the word "blow job",
this is how she reacted.

"I'm sorry, love,
what was that word?"

My sister went, "Oh, God, I'm sorry,
Mum. I'm drunk, I didn't mean to."

"It's absolutely fine. You say
what you want around this house,

"you know that. This is your home.
I just need you to explain to me...

"..EXACTLY WHAT A BLOW JOB IS."

My sister sobered up like this,
right?

And then she started to panic
and she went, "Seriously, Mum,

"it doesn't matter, I'm just drunk."

I went back 30 years in time,
I went, "Yes, it does matter, Sian!

"Yes, it does matter!"

"We can't be using words
that Mum doesn't understand."

Mum went, "I would like to know
what it means."

I said, "You've got every right
to know what it means!

"What does it mean, Sian?"

My sister was shuffling like a dog
on parquet flooring.

I have never seen a woman
look that uncomfortable.

I thought I would puke
my liver up laughing.

I was hooting like an animal.

I stopped laughing when my sister
made her decision,

which was to explain that
particular sex act to my mum

using the almost forgotten art
of mime.

LAUGHTER

So... So she started going,
"It's kind of a sexual thing, Mum."

I thought, "This is HORRENDOUS!"

And then it got 400 times worse
because my mum,

to try and understand what was
going on over here, decided...

You're ahead of me already.
..that she would copy the mime.

So, I don't know how bad
your Christmases have been

in recent years, but that one for me
consisted of watching my mother

and my sister pumping air-cock
in front of my face.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It was the most disturbing image
I've ever seen

and I've seen someone kill
a pony with a golf club.

LAUGHTER

So my mum's going, "I don't know
what this is at all, love.

"I don't know what any
of these movements are.

"I don't know what
any of this means.

"Why am I tickling under here?
I don't know what that is."

Yes, it would appear
my sister is...

..rather good.
LAUGHTER

She was in mid-mime, my mum, when
she realised what she was doing.

This image is burned on my mind.
"I don't know what any of this..."

She was really going for it,
she was properly wanking.

"I don't know what any of these
movements are. What are they?

"I don't know any of these
movements..." Then she realised.

"I don't know any of these..."

"Oh, God.

"Oh, good God, no!"

And then she said something that
I think many women in this room

might identify with.

She went, "Oh, no, love.
Oh, no, no, no.

"No, I find it hard enough
to touch one of those things,

"let alone put it in my mouth."

LAUGHTER

At which point, my dad summed up
40 years of marriage

and all of his weird behaviour
with one look

from behind a newspaper
that I will now demonstrate to you.

"Oh, no, love. Oh, God, no, no.

"I find it hard enough to touch
one of those things,

"let alone put it in my mouth."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

To his own fucking children!

Before I let you go home,
the last section of my show

is called Selfish Mum.

Not for the reasons
I've just outlined!

That'd be awful!
"Come on, Mum, make an effort."

LAUGHTER

It's called Selfish Mum
because at this point in the story,

my mum forces me to tell you
something serious.

And I promised you at the beginning
of the show that I wouldn't -

you know, that it would just be
moments in time.

But to get to where I want to get
before we all go out of here,

I have to tell you
something serious.

But I don't want you to think
that this is me hijacking

the end of the show
for some emotional...

where we all get to sing
We Are The World, right?

There's no emotional...
There's no sad end to this.

I'll ruin the story for you now
by telling you that my mum is fine.

Everything I'm about to tell you,
she got through, all right?

However...

..a year after "Blow-job-gate"...

LAUGHTER

..my mother ruined Christmas
by having a massive heart attack.

LAUGHTER

It was horrible. It was horrific.
Of course it was horrific.

My sister was looking after her
now two children,

so she couldn't go home.

My mum was having an operation
to essentially save her life,

so my dad was on his own,
so I went home to see him.

Now, you've probably got an idea
of my dad. He's brilliant.

He's a brilliant dad

and he's dealt with every crisis
we've ever had with humour, right?

So when I went into the kitchen,
where he always sits,

on his little stool, I went in
expecting to find the sheet man

dealing with the situation
by making us all laugh.

And on this occasion, I went
into the kitchen and I found,

sitting on the stool,

a little old frightened man
that I didn't recognise.

Just to be clear...

..it was my dad.

LAUGHTER

And I went in and I went,
"You all right?" And he went, "No."

And I went, "Eh?"
He went, "No, I'm not all right."

And I went, "Oh, she'll be fine.
She's in good hands.

"She'll be fine." And he said...

Look, this is the worst thing
anyone's ever said to me.

I know loads of you will have heard
worse but this is the worst thing

another human being has
ever said to me.

He said, "I hope you're right, love,

"because without your mother
I am nothing."

And I went...

"Erm...

"Do I have to look after you now?"

"Cos I'm pretty sure
you're the parent here."

But he was inconsolable.

And I tried to cheer him up
and I failed.

I tried to make him laugh,
I failed.

I put my arm around him,
I told him that whatever happened

we'd be all right as a family,
you know?

All of the things you'd say to your
loved ones - like anyone would say.

Nothing worked.
I made him a cup of tea.

In the end, I just...

You know, I walked him upstairs
to bed and I tucked him into bed.

Ever tucked your dad in? Weird!

LAUGHTER

And I sat with him
till he fell asleep.

And I went back to my bed and I...

I felt sorry for three people.

I felt sorry for her, obviously,
I felt sorry for him...

..and I felt sorry for myself.

If this hasn't happened to you,
it will happen to you, sorry,

it is the realisation that
your parents are not superhuman.

It came to me fairly late in life
but it's like somebody telling you,

"That's the end of childhood,
officially."

Bang! Right?

So I went to sleep that night
feeling pretty...

..miserable.

Then...

..in the middle of the night...

..something happened to kind of
make things a bit better.

Cos as I slept in the middle of the
night, in my new role, I suppose,

as, sort of, head of the family,
I suppose, I...

..did a massive shit in my pants.

LAUGHTER

Not a little shit.
I mean, it was horrendous.

It was like someone
had gone through there

with an industrial crop spreader.
It was fucking awful.

I had to peel the shitty sheet
off my bed at six in the morning,

trying to keep as much of it in
as I could,

and I snuck downstairs,
hoping to avoid Dad,

with this shit vol-au-vent
in my hand,

and he was up at six
in the morning in the kitchen.

I went, "All right?"
And he went, "Morning, love!"

I went, "Are you all right?"

"More than all right. I've spoken
to the hospital. Your mum's fine."

I said, "Oh, that's brilliant.
That's brilliant.

"I'm just going to go
to the toilet."

And he went, "Erm...
I want a word with you."

I went, "I'm...
I just need to pop to the..."

He went, "I need to speak
to you now."

"I just need to pop to the toilet."
"I need to speak to you NOW!"

I went, "OK."

He said, "Thanks for last night."
I said, "That's my pleasure."

He said, "You were amazing."
I said, "That's fine, Dad.

"I'm just going to pop to..."
He goes, "I haven't finished."

He said, "I'm so proud of you."

I said, "Are you?"

He said, "Yes, I am.

"I remember when you were
my weak little asthmatic boy.

"Now look at you. A man!"

"Big, strong man, looking after
his dad in the hard times.

"So strong. So brave."

And I went, "Dad..."
He went, "Yeah?"

I said,
"I'm really sorry about this.

"I appear to have done
a massive shit in the bed."

Ladies and gentleman, he took that
sheet out of my hand without a word.

He went into our washroom, he pushed
it into a washing machine.

He looked up at me and he said
the most beautiful thing

that anyone's ever said to me.

He said,
"You, son, are a fucking knob."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Kind of like getting
a bit of childhood back,

do you know what I mean?

Being the kid again,
being the idiot. I loved it.

So we went to see Mum in hospital.

She was sitting upright in bed after
a horrific operation like that.

God bless the NHS and those fucking
miracle workers, you know?

You'd think nothing had happened
to her. She was sitting up.

I did the obvious thing -
threw my arms around her,

told her how great she looked.

My dad,
slightly less conventional,

he told her how angry he was with me
for having ruined his ghost outfit.

LAUGHTER

Amazing.

Then he went off to get some teas.

As soon as he'd gone, my mum said,

"Can I have a word with you?"
And I went, "Of course."

She goes, "I want to speak to you
while your dad's not here."

And I said, "Anything. Of course."

She said, "I've woken up
from the anaesthetic

"thinking something stupid
and I've got to ask you."

And I went, "What?"

She said, "Do you still talk
about me and your dad

"when you do your shows?"

And I said...

"Are you fucking joking?!
You're 90% of my material."

And she said, "Oh, thank God."
I said, "Thank God?"

She goes, "Thank God!"
I said, "Why do you say that?"

She said...
"You'll think I'm a stupid old woman

"but I woke up from the anaesthetic,

"just with this thought
going through my head.

"I thought, erm, 'What if I died?

"'Maybe he would stop
talking about me.'"

And I went, "What?"

She said, "I just thought...
that if I wasn't here,

"you wouldn't feel comfortable
talking about me."

I said, "Of course I would.
Don't be so stupid.

"I'm not going to erase you just
cos you're not here any more, am I?"

And she went, "Good, love.
I really don't want you to stop it."

And I went, "I would never do that."

She said,
"Even the awful stuff, love.

"Even that awful blow-job story.
Keep telling that, will you?

"You promise me you'll keep telling
that?" I said, "You have my word!

"In the event of your death,
I'll keep telling the United Kingdom

"you don't like sucking cock."
LAUGHTER

And she said, "Thank you,
that means a lot to me",

which, in itself,
was a strange thing to say.

LAUGHTER

And then she said something that,

of all the things I've shared
with you tonight,

it is the single best example

of a moment in time
where I had to exist

just in the moment
and then move on with my life,

and I think you'll see why
when I tell you.

And you... Look, you'll think
this isn't the end of the show.

It is, right? It's just this line
and then I'm out of here.

You'll think it's a strange choice
but, honestly, you'll see why.

It's the best example, and if
you know anything about comedy,

you'll know that what I'm doing now,

dragging out the build-up
to a punch line, is suicide,

cos it can't possibly
be good enough.

But I honestly think this is.

To the extent...

..I'm going to drag it out
a bit more.

LAUGHTER

She said, "Erm...

"There's something I've been meaning
to tell you about that story, love.

I went, "Oh, yeah?" She goes,
"Yeah. It's not 100% accurate."

I said, "Well, I want it to be,
cos all of my stories are true."

And they are, you know, with the
exception of me having seen someone

kill a pony with a golf club.
LAUGHTER

But they are true, so I said,
"I want to get it right.

"What have I got wrong?"
"It's only a little detail."

"Well, what is it, Mum?"

Here it comes.

She said, "Erm..."

"Well, listen, love.

"I never told you
I haven't sucked a penis.

"I just told you
I've never sucked your dad's!"

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Erm, look, it's been really nice.
Thanks for coming.

I will leave you on a moving piece
of music - something for the kids.

For Lucy and all the young
people in the room.

I hope, maybe emotionally, you'll
learn something on the way out, OK?

You can probably play that in now...

MUSIC: You Spin Me Round
(Like A Record) by Dead Or Alive

Lyrically it's lovely, I think.
Try and listen to it.

It's been a real pleasure.

Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming.

I really appreciate it. Thank you!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media