Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[ominous organ playing]

[bird shrieks]

- HEY, IT'S FRED!

MY LIFE IS A HORROR MOVIE.

IT'S SO SCARY!

I'M SO SCARED.

AND YOU'LL BE, TOO, ONCE YOU HEAR ABOUT IT.

YOU'LL BE SCARED AND SCARRED.

SCARE-ARRED.

THAT'S A NEW WORD I JUST MADE UP--

"SCARED" AND "SCARRED" COMBINED,

WHICH IS WHAT YOU'LL BE.

I'M GONNA GO GET A SNACK.

DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT OR NOT?

MEET ME IN THE KITCHEN.

[thunder booms]

USUALLY I LEAD A VERY NORMAL LIFE--

GO TO SCHOOL, HANG WITH FRIENDS,

SEE MY GIRL.

YOU REMEMBER JUDY, RIGHT?

- [singing indistinct]

- JUDY...

YEAH, WE BROKE UP.

DUMPED HER.

- DON'T GO, FRED.

- I'M SORRY, JUDY, BUT I CAN'T BE TIED DOWN.

HERE'S LOOKIN' AT YOU, KID.

- WELL, WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE THE PARTY

WHERE YOU THREW UP ON ME, FRED, NOW, WON'T WE?

- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

BUT SHE WAS THE ONE TO BREAK UP WITH ME.

ANYWAYS, THAT WASN'T THE SCARY PART.

MY MUSIC TEACHER, MRS. FELSON,

SHE IS THE BEST MUSIC TEACHER

TO EVER LIVE ON THIS EARTH!

HOW WAS IT?

[loudly] HOW WAS IT, MRS. FELSON?

- BEAUTIFUL, FRED. JUST LOVELY.

- THANK YOU.

- WHAT?

- THANK YOU!

- OH, TARZAN, DON'T YOU PLAY WITH MOMMY'S HEARING AID.

- BUT TODAY WHEN I GOT TO SCHOOL,

SHE HAD VANISHED.

DISAPPEARED. GONE. WITHOUT A TRACE.

MRS. FELSON.

MRS. FELSON?

MRS. FELSON?

- HELLO-SKI.

- WHO ARE YOU?

- WELL, WHO ARE YOU?

- I'M FRED.

- THAT TELLS ME ALMOST NOTHING.

- I'M A STUDENT HERE.

- I KNEW THAT. I WAS JUST KIDDING.

- IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE YOU WERE KIDDING.

- OR DID IT?

[laughs]

I'M MR. DEVLIN, THE MUSIC TEACHER,

AND I WANT TO HELP YOU JOIN THE WORLD WITH MUSIC.

- MUSIC TEACHER?

- DO YOU LIKE BULGOGI?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,

BUT WHERE'S MRS. FELSON?

- OH. IT WAS, UH, HER TIME.

TO MOVE ON?

BYE-SKI.

- HE WAS SO WEIRD.

BUT THE HORROR DIDN'T END THERE.

OH, MY GAMMIT, I WASN'T EXPECTING THIS TO BE GOOD,

BUT IT'S AMAZING!

YOU'VE GOT TO TRY THIS.

SORRY.

ANYWAY, I'M SO SCARED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AFTER SCHOOL TODAY.

SOMEONE FOLLOWED ME. A STALKER!

A REALLY STRANGE PERSON.

- [screams]

- NO. BE QUIET. IT'S OKAY.

DON'T SCREAM.

- OKAY.

- AAH!

AAH! AAH. AAH.

- FRED.

FRED.

- OH, MY GAMMIT! HE'S MOVING IN NEXT DOOR!

- WHO?

- MR. DEVLIN, THE WEIRD--

AAH!

HEY, IT'S FRED!

MY LIFE IS A HORROR MOVIE.

IT'S SO SCARY!

I'M SO SCARED.

NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I WAS SO SCARE-ARRED?

THIS SANDWICH IS REALLY MAKING ME FEEL BETTER.

NOT TOTALLY,

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S GETTING THERE.

- WHY DID HE HAVE AN UMBRELLA IN THE DAYTIME?

- I DON'T KNOW.

IF I KNEW, I WOULDN'T BE SCARED, NOW WOULD I?

- AND WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED? HE'S JUST A TEACHER.

- HE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DISAPPEARANCE

OF MRS. FELSON, BERTHA.

- OH. I THINK MRS. FELSON GOT FIRED.

- YEAH, I GUESS THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED,

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE,

'CAUSE SHE'S THE BEST MUSIC TEACHER IN THE WORLD.

- MM.

- IN THE WHOLE PLANET.

- I--OKAY.

- THERE SHE IS. - MRS. FELSON?

- NO. THAT GIRL I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

I THINK SHE'S FOLLOWING US.

- YEAH, SHE FOLLOWS US EVERY DAY.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, BERTHA?

- BECAUSE I DIDN'T CARE.

- WHY DO YOU THINK SHE'S SO OBSESSED WITH US?

- I DON'T KNOW. ASK HER.

OR ARE YOU SCARED OF HER, TOO?

- NO.

BERTHA, I'M NOT SCARED OF HER.

- UH-HUH, YEAH. WHATEVER.

- I'M NOT SCARED. - UH-HUH.

- EXCUSE ME. - HI.

- YES, HELLO. WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?

- THIS IS HOW I GET TO SCHOOL.

- OH, REALLY?

THEN WHY HAVE I NEVER SEEN YOU WALK THIS WAY TO SCHOOL, THEN?

- BECAUSE I DIDN'T START THIS SCHOOL UNTIL THIS YEAR.

- OH.

- MY NAME'S TALIA.

- I'M FRED. - FRED. I KNOW.

- WELL, UH, WE-- WE SHOULD GET TO SCHOOL.

- OKIE DOKIE.

- * EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT *

* AND EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT *

* I SAY EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT *

- SHE WAS ACTUALLY REALLY NICE.

- MM-HMM.

- AND SHE KNEW MY NAME.

- STOP. YOU'RE MAKING ME SO JEALOUS.

- * EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT *

- BRAVO, MR. LEBOW. BRAVO.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY BENEFITTING FROM THE PRIVATE LESSONS.

- YEAH, BUT I WAS TALENTED ALREADY, THOUGH, RIGHT?

- YOU KNOW, KEVIN IS MY LITTLE ADVERTISEMENT

FOR MY LESSONS.

- BUT I WAS TALENTED ALREADY.

- BE LIKE KEVIN.

JOIN THE WORLD WITH MUSIC.

NOW, THE PIANO RECITAL IS COMING UP,

AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT A BIG, BIG DEAL THAT IS, DON'T WE?

A FEW LESSONS WITH ME,

AND ANYONE WILL BE READY FOR THE RECITAL.

- I'M GONNA KICK SOME PIANO BUTT AT THE RECITAL.

- UH, WHAT'S THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

- MEANS YOU SHOULD SHUT UP.

- ALL RIGHT, KEVIN.

WHY DON'T WE GIVE SOMEBODY ELSE A CHANCE?

UM, FRED, LET'S HEAR HOW YOUR PIECE IS COMING.

- OKAY. LET'S DO IT.

[suspenseful music]

A DUEL.

- [exhales]

- OW.

- CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

- FINE.

[both playing Chopsticks]

*

[cheers and applause]

- UH, USUALLY THE BOW COMES AFTER THE PIECE.

- OH, WE DO THINGS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT AROUND HERE.

[flatulence]

[playing Beethoven's Fur Elise]

[playing wrong notes]

- OKAY, FRED.

THAT WAS VERY INTERESTING.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT, UH, PIECE?

- UH, FUR ELISE?

DOY TA-DOY.

ONLY THE MOST FAMOUS PIECE OF MUSIC

IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

- OH, I CAN SEE HOW YOU WOULD THINK THAT.

WELL, NOT EVERYBODY'S BORN WITH NATURAL TALENT.

- YEAH, LIKE ME.

- WELL, JUST KEEP PRACTICING.

- I MEAN, THE GUY HAS NO EAR FOR MUSIC TALENT.

OBVIOUSLY!

- TOTALLY. I'M SURE YOUR PIECE WAS THE BEST.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

I MEAN, TO THINK THAT SOMEONE LIKE KEVIN IS BETTER THAN ME,

YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME.

- YEAH, HE'S TERRIBLE.

YOU'RE GREAT.

- THANK YOU. WELL, WE'RE HERE.

- [gasps] HEY, DO YOU LIKE COOKIES?

- UH.

- I MADE YOU A COOKIE IN CHEMISTRY CLASS.

- YOU MAKE COOKIES IN CHEMISTRY CLASS?

- IT'S 100% CHEMICALS.

- ALL RIGHT.

COOL. THAT'S-- THAT'S REALLY CREATIVE.

WELL, UH, THANK YOU FOR WALKING ME ALL THE WAY HOME.

- OH. YOU'RE WELCOME.

- FRED. FRED.

- DID THAT CROW JUST--

TALIA?

WHAT THE H-E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS

IS GOING ON HERE?

IS TALIA IMAGINARY?

YOU SAW HER, RIGHT?

SHE'S REAL! RIGHT?

OH, MY GAMMIT.

WHAT IF TALIA'S A GHOST?

[ghostly rumble]

WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

- I AM A GHOST, FRED.

- WH--WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

- I WAS BORN IN ANCIENT TIMES. 1986.

- SO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

- I LOVE TO SHOP.

SO I SHOPPED TILL I DROPPED.

NOW I'M DOOMED TO WALK AMONG THE LIVING

UNTIL THESE FASHIONABLE SHOES GO OUT OF STYLE.

- THOSE SHOES ARE PRETTY SWANK.

SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY DIE FROM SHOPPING?

- MY STORY SHOULD SERVE AS A LESSON.

ALWAYS SHOP AT A MALL WITH A FOOD COURT

SO YOU WON'T STARVE.

- THAT'S SO TRAGIC.

I'M SO SORRY.

OW. UGH.

I'M GOOD. [doorbell rings]

- I'LL GET IT. - OKAY.

- FRED, ARE YOU GONNA GET THE DOOR--

DOORBELL?

- OH, SORRY. GHOST TALIA SAID SHE'S GETTING IT.

- OH, MY GOSH.

I WISH I COULD AFFORD PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR YOU.

JANET. - HILDA.

WHAT A FUN OUTFIT FOR RELAXING AT HOME.

- I JUST CAME FROM WORK.

MY JOB. YOU'VE HEARD OF THOSE.

YOU GO OUT AND TELL THE WORLD THAT YOU MEAN SOMETHING?

- WELL, MY JOB IS RAISING MY FAMILY,

AND IT'S A FULL-TIME JOB... FOR ME.

OH, HEY THERE, FRED.

- HI.

- YOU KNOW, KEVIN KEEPS MENTIONING

WANTING A PLAYDATE WITH YOU.

- I DID NOT SAY THAT EVER!

- HEY, HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND?

- HE'S FINE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

IT WAS HIS IDEA FOR ME TO INVITE YOU

TO THIS LITTLE WELCOMING PARTY

WE'RE HAVING FOR THE NEW MUSIC TEACHER

MR. DEVLIN TONIGHT.

- KIND OF SHORT NOTICE, DON'T YOU THINK?

- OH, I UNDERSTAND IF YOU HAVE PLANS.

- OH, WE DON'T. - OH, GOOD. GOOD. GREAT.

7:00. BYE, FRED!

- I AM NOT GOING TO A PARTY AT KEVIN'S HOUSE!

- FRED, SINCE YOUR FATHER LEFT ME,

IT'S BEEN UP TO ME TO RAISE YOU ON MY OWN.

AND BELIEVE ME, I'VE ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

BUT WITH THAT COMES A LOT OF SACRIFICE,

AND PART OF THAT SACRIFICE

IS NOT GETTING INVITED TO A LOT OF PARTIES!

SO WE'RE GOING.

- BUT, MOM, IT'S AT KEVIN'S HOUSE, MOM!

KEVIN'S HOUSE!

- WEAR SOMETHING NICE.

- OH, MY GAMMIT!

A PARTY AT THE LAIR OF MY ARCHENEMY'S HOUSE!

AND FOR SOME CREEPY GUY

WHO'S CLEARLY OUT TO DESTROY MY MUSICAL CONFIDENCE.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

- YOU'RE GONNA GO. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

- DAD.

- YOU'RE GONNA GO FIND OUT

EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY.

HE'S A WRONG DUDE. I CAN FEEL IT.

- I KNEW IT. THAT'S JUST WHAT I WAS THINKING.

- THIS COTTAGE CHEESE IS ALSO WRONG.

THROW IT OUT. - OKAY.

- YOU GET A FULL REPORT, AND YOU GET BACK TO ME.

- WHERE WILL YOU BE?

- RIGHT HERE.

- WAIT. WAIT, DAD.

- YOU CAN'T SEE ME.

- YEAH, I CAN.

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- UM, ACTUALLY I WAS THIRSTY.

- HERE YOU GO.

- SUNNY D. ALL RIGHT.

THANKS, DAD. - DON'T LITTER.

- STAND UP STRAIGHT, AND DON'T STEAL ANYTHING.

- MOM, I NEVER STEAL.

- THAT'S GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, FRED.

- * ...HAVE FUN TONIGHT

* EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT *

* I SAID EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT *

* WELL, EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT *

* I SAID EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT *

* WANG CHUNG

* OOH

- OH!

OH, MY GOD!

WASN'T HE AMAZING?

ISN'T HE INCREDIBLE?

OH, YOU'RE SO GOOD. YOU'RE SO GOOD.

HIS PIANO HAS IMPROVED SO MUCH

SINCE TAKING LESSONS FROM YOU.

- WELL, THANK YOU. I HAD A LOT TO WORK WITH.

HE HAS A LOT OF RAW TALENT.

- YOU TAUGHT HIM THAT? THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

SO MUCH TALENT, TO TEACH YOUNG KIDS.

AS A SINGLE PERSON, I TOTALLY RESPECT THAT.

HI. I'M HILDA FIGGLEHORN.

- AH, HELLO-SKI. JAKE DEVLIN.

- HELLO-SKI YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW MY SON, FERDINAND, EH?

- UM, I DON'T KNOW IF I DO.

- UM, LIAR. YOU KNOW ME. YOU'RE MY TEACHER.

- UGH. - I'M JUST KIDDING, FERD.

- OH, MY GOSH. - OF COURSE I KNOW YOU.

- THAT'S TOO FUNNY. YOU ARE TOO FUNNY.

ISN'T HE TOO FUNNY, FRED?

- OH, YEAH, HE'S WAY TOO FUNNY.

- YOU MUST KEEP YOUR WIFE IN STITCHES.

- OH, NO, NO, I'M-- I'M NOT MARRIED.

- WHAT?

HANDSOME MAN LIKE YOURSELF

WITH THE ABILITY TO IMPART MUSICAL KNOWLEDGE?

HOW DO YOU KEEP THE WOMEN AWAY?

THERE'S NO LOGICAL ANSWER TO THAT.

COULD I, UM...

GET YOU A LITTLE DRINKY?

- OH, WELL, YES.

- OKAY, THEN.

- HEY, WANG CHUNG TONIGHT.

- [laughs] NICE HAIR, KEVIN!

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE ROBERT PATTINSON...

IF HE WERE STUPID.

- [laughs]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE, FRED?

- OH, I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM.

IS THIS THE RESTROOM?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M THINKING I'M GONNA KICK YOU OUT OF HERE, FRED.

- NO, BECAUSE, KEVIN, I WAS INVITED TO BE HERE.

I'M A PARTYGOER.

THEREFORE, YOU'RE MY HOST.

SO, IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND,

COULD YOU GET ME A COKE, PLEASE?

- OH.

- KEVIN, ARE YOU BEING A GOOD HOST?

- WITH A SLICE OF LIME.

- HEYA, FRED. - TALIA!

I WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE YOU HERE.

- BUT IT'S GOOD, RIGHT?

- YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I WAS BORED UP IN MY ROOM.

- HEY, FIGGLEHORN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TALKING TO MY SISTER?

- I'M NOT TALKING TO YOUR SISTER, KEVIN.

I'M TALKING TO TALIA, WHO IS YOUR--

YOUR SISTER? WHAT?

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?

* THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

* HOW DID I MISS HER?

* IT'S JUST NOT FAIR

* SHE'S KEVIN'S SISTER

MY LIFE IS UPSIDE DOWN.

DAD! DAD, I NEED YOUR HELP.

GAMMIT.

IT'S HIM.

EVER SINCE MR. DEVLIN SHOWED UP,

EVERYTHING GOT CRAZY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S SOMETHING UP WITH THAT MAN'S NAME.

DEVLIN.

IF YOU SWITCH AROUND THE LETTERS,

YOU GET "DEVIL,"

WITH AN EXTRA "N."

HUH? YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

PRETTY WEIRD, RIGHT?

LET'S FIGURE THIS OUT.

DEVILN.

DEVIL...N.

N...DEVIL.

N-DEVIL.

NNN-DEVIL.

DEVIL...N.

DEVIL-N.

N-DEVIL. N-DEVILN.

N-DEVIL. DEMILIN.

WHATEVER. THERE'S SOMETHING THERE.

I'M GONNA WORK ON THAT.

THAT MAN IS PURE EVIL, AND I KNOW IT.

AND I'M GOING TO INVESTIGATE. TONIGHT.

[radio plays woman singing, stops]

THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

PERFECT. NOBODY'S UP THIS LATE.

INVISIBILITY CLOAK.

MAGIC.

I'M STILL HERE, BUT YOU CAN'T SEE ME.

OOH, FLOATING TEETH.

WHO'S DOING IT? LOOK OUT!

[laughs]

[grunts]

[pop, air hisses]

AAH!

OH, MY GAMMIT.

WHAT WAS HE BURYING IN HIS BACKYARD?

AND WAS THAT MRS. FELSON'S CAT?

DID HE MURDER HER FOR HER CAT?

- FRED, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO DOWN THERE?

- NO ONE.

JEEZ, I'M STARVING.

ALL THAT OUTDOOR ACTIVITY MADE ME HUNGRY FOR A MIDNIGHT SNACK.

EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY TEN TO 11:00.

I REALLY DO WONDER WHY DID HE KILL MRS. FELSON?

THEN AGAIN, I SUPPOSE A SCHOOL MUSIC TEACHER

IS A PRETTY PRESTIGIOUS JOB,

SO HE PROBABLY WANTED HER POSITION

AS A COVER-UP FOR HIS NEFARIOUS ACTS.

[thumping]

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY PANCAKE?

AAH!

MRS. FELSON?

- WHAT?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY PANCAKE?

- FRED, I CAN'T HEAR YOU,

BUT I NEED TO WARN YOU ABOUT DEVLIN.

- WHAT? - WHAT?

- WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO WARN ME ABOUT?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,

BUT I NEED YOU TO BE CAREFUL OF HIM.

HE'S MORE THAN A MUSIC TEACHER.

HE'S EVIL.

- I KNEW IT.

- OH, DEAR. I HAVE AN ITCH.

GOT TO GO.

- I'M NOT HUNGRY FOR PANCAKES ANYMORE.

[bell rings]

- AH.

- AH, YES, YOU GOT THE LAST ONE!

- YEAH. - YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT, MAN.

- I AM SO ABOUT THE PIANO.

- THIS RECITAL'S GONNA ROCK.

- YEAH, MOSTLY BECAUSE OF ME.

- HE'S CONTROLLING EVERYONE.

- WHO?

- DEVLIN. I MEAN, WHAT'S HIS GAME?

HE KEEPS SAYING "JOIN THE WORLD,"

LIKE--LIKE IT'S A DIFFERENT WORLD OR SOMETHING.

- RIGHT. - AN ALIEN WORLD.

- OH. - HE'S AN ALIEN, BERTHA.

I KNOW IT.

HE'S AN ALIEN SENT FROM DISTANT OUTER SPACE

TO CONTROL OUR MINDS.

- WELL, YOU FIGURED ME OUT, FRED.

I AM AN ALIEN--

THE LEADER OF AN ADVANCED TEAM

SENT HERE TO ESTABLISH A BEACHHEAD IN YOUR FRIENDLY TOWN.

- DEVLIN.

- OH, I'M NOT DEVLIN.

I'M...

MAN-SQUITO.

- UGH.

- FROM THE PLANET OF MAN-SQUITOS.

- EW, I DIDN'T KNOW MOSQUITO HEADS LOOKED LIKE THAT.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

AND I'M, LIKE, THE BEST LOOKING GUY

ON THE PLANET OF MAN-SQUITOS. - UGH.

- YOU GOT ANYTHING TO DRINK?

LIKE ALL OF YOUR BLOOD?

- [gasps]

- AAH!

- [slurps]

[bell rings]

- READY TO GO TO CLASS?

- THAT'S A GOOD SUGGESTION.

- EXCELLENT WORK. KEEP PRACTICING.

ALL RIGHT. NEXT VICTIM.

- WEIRD. - WHAT?

- YOU SCARED ME. - SORRY.

- IT'S OKAY.

SO WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME

YOU AND KEVIN WERE BROTHER AND SISTER?

- I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

I'VE LIVED ACROSS FROM YOU MY WHOLE LIFE.

- REALLY?

HI. I'M FRED.

AAH!

AAH!

[continues screaming]

[doorbell rings]

TRICK OR TREAT!

- HEY, FIGGLEHORN!

[laughs]

- AAH!

- WHOO!

- WOW. I MUST HAVE MISSED IT SOMEHOW.

BUT, TALIA, ME AND YOU,

THIS FRIENDSHIP THING WE HAVE GOING,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO END IT,

BECAUSE YOUR BROTHER, KEVIN,

HE'S A TOTAL PSYCHO.

A TOTAL LUNATIC. AND HE HATES MY GUTS.

- YEAH, BUT I DON'T.

I LIKE YOU, FRED.

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT KEVIN THINKS.

- OKAY. WELL, SEE YOU TOMORROW.

SHE LIKES ME.

I KNEW THAT.

BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO INDULGE IN ROMANCE.

EVERYONE'S TAKING PIANO LESSONS FROM MR. DEVLIN,

EVEN THOUGH HE IS CLEARLY,

CLEARLY NO JUDGE OF MUSIC TALENT.

JEEZ, THAT'S A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE,

PUTTING A VAMPIRE ON A CHILDREN'S CEREAL BOX.

DON'T YOU THINK?

WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S IT!

THE UMBRELLA IN THE SUNLIGHT?

THE BURYING STUFF IN HIS BACKYARD?

KEVIN'S NEW HAIRCUT?

MR. DEVLIN IS A VAMPIRE!

AND VAMPIRES...

THEY TURN EVERYONE ELSE THEY KNOW INTO VAMPIRES, TOO.

- THE GIG IS UP, FRED.

YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED.

- YEAH, THAT MIGHT BE TRUE, DEVLIN,

BUT I'VE GOT DANCING PECS,

THIS MYSTICAL TATTOO,

AND WEIRD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

WHEN THE WIND BLOWS THROUGH MY FLUFFY HAIR.

[techno music plays]

- I DON'T SEE WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING.

- YEAH, BESIDES, WE HAVE MY SISTER.

- [laughs] SURRENDER, FRED.

- OKAY. I'LL SURRENDER.

NOT!

- FRED!

[laughter]

- [roars]

OKAY, I WAS PANICKED,

BUT I DID SOME RESEARCH,

AND I FOUND SOME VAMPIRE FUN FACTS.

YOU CAN TELL SOMEONE'S A VAMPIRE

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T GO IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT,

THEY CAN'T SEE THEIR OWN REFLECTION,

AND ASIDE FROM CROSSES, THEY DON'T LIKE SILVER,

GARLIC, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY...

THEY CANNOT COME INTO YOUR HOUSE UNLESS YOU INVITE THEM IN.

[doorbell rings] - FRED, GET THE DOOR.

IT'S MY DATE.

- SO UNTIL I FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH HIM,

I'LL BE COMPLETELY SAFE FROM DEVLIN IN MY HOME,

WHERE HE'LL NEVER BE INVITED.

- HELLO-SKI.

- AAH!

- IS EVERYTHING...ALL RIGHT?

- FRED, INVITE MR. DEVLIN IN!

- PLEASE...COME...

IN.

- HELLO, JAKE.

- WELL, DON'T YOU LOOK STUNNING.

- OH, PLEASE, STOP.

- NO, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL,

AND I NEED TO LET YOU KNOW.

- SHE ASKED YOU TO STOP!

- WELL, I THOUGHT WE COULD WALK

TO A GREAT LITTLE RESTAURANT I KNOW ABOUT.

- OH, THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.

- MOM, YOU CAN'T GO.

YOU--YOU HAVEN'T HIRED ME A BABYSITTER.

- FRED, I LEAVE YOU ALONE ALL THE TIME.

LIKE, EVERY DAY.

- BUT TONIGHT...TONIGHT IT'S GOING TO BE DANGEROUS.

- DON'T WAIT UP.

- I'LL HAVE YOU HOME BY 8:30.

- OH, COME ON.

LET'S NOT STOP THE PARTY BEFORE IT EVEN GETS STARTED.

PUT THESE IN SOMETHING MOIST.

- BERTHA. - FRED.

- OKAY, I'VE GOT AN EMERGENCY.

I'LL PICK YOU UP IN TWO MINUTES ON THE FRED CYCLE.

- HILDA, I MUST SAY THAT IS A FANTASTIC OUTFIT.

- MR. DEVLIN, YOU MAKE A GIRL FEEL YOUNG AGAIN.

- THERE THEY ARE.

- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IT'S JUST A DATE.

- WITH A VAMPIRE.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU BECOME ONE.

- A VAMPIRE.

- I CAN'T KEEP RE-EXPLAINING THINGS, BERTHA.

I'VE HAD A LOT ON MY MIND.

ESPECIALLY SINCE KEVIN'S LITTLE SISTER IS STALKING ME.

- STALKING YOU? GIVE ME A BREAK.

- [scoffs] GIRLS LIKE ME, BERTHA. I'M HOT.

- SO THIS IS ONE OF YOUR MAIN HAUNTS, HUH?

- WELL, I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER BEEN.

ON A TEACHER'S SALARY, I FI--

- OH, YEAH, YOU COULD PROBABLY AFFORD

A LOT NICER THAN THIS, HUH?

- ACTUALLY, I WAS GONNA SAY ON A TEACHER'S SALARY,

I USUALLY JUST EAT TOAST.

- OH, YEAH? YOU PROBABLY DO. - MM-HMM.

- DUCK. OH.

[breathing heavily]

- HEY, WHAT'S UP WITH THE HUFFING AND PUFFING?

- IT'S HARD TO PEDAL WITH ALL THIS EXTRA WEIGHT.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT THIS.

- IT'S FOR PARKING, BERTHA.

MY KICKSTAND BROKE.

NOW WRAP IT AROUND THE POLE, WOULD YA?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

I MEAN, IF WE WALK IN LIKE THIS, THEY'LL RECOGNIZE US.

- UH... I HAVE AN IDEA.

- OKAY. - COME ON.

- OH. WAIT HERE.

- THERE YOU ARE. YOU'RE LATE.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- PUT THIS ON AND GET ON THE GRILL.

- BUT I'M TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A JOB.

- OH, YEAH? ME, TOO.

DELAMAR, YOUR TRAINEE'S FINALLY HERE.

- HEY.

HOW ARE-- HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

- FRIES ARE DONE. COME ON. LET'S GO.

- MERCI BEAUCOUP. - OH, FANCY.

- YOU CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO SHOW A GIRL A GOOD TIME.

- WELL, I LOOKED AT A WEBSITE.

OOH, AND THE PERKS JUST KEEP COMING.

THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.

- CHEERS, MADAME.

[laughter]

- MADAME FOOT'S STUCK IN THE DOOR.

[laughter]

- WHAT I LIKE TO PUT ON MY FRIES

IS MELTED CHEESE.

ONE CHEF TO ANOTHER.

- YEAH, YOU MEAN CHEESE FRIES?

- ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL MY RECIPE?

- LOOK, KID, I'M A PROFESSIONAL, ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T NEED TO STEAL YOUR RECIPE.

- YOU SHOULD KEEP AN OPEN MIND, SIR,

BECAUSE YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING FROM ME.

I CAN MAKE ANYTHING TASTE GOOD.

- ANYTHING, HUH?

- ANYTHING.

- OH, YEAH?

WHAT ABOUT MY SOCK?

- YEAH. WHAT ABOUT THAT, MAN?

WHAT ABOUT HIS SOCK, HUH?

- YOU ARE SO ON.

[rock music]

*

- * WAITING AT THE GATE

* YOU THINK I'M FAR TOO LATE

* BUT I'LL GET IN BEFORE YOU DO *

- OW! OW!

OW!

HA HA, JUST KIDDING.

- OOH, THAT'S GOOD.

- REFRESHING.

- I'VE BECOME SOMETHING OF A WATER SNOB,

AND THAT IS REALLY DYNAMITE.

- GOOD EVENING. CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

- YES, I'M GONNA HAVE THE--

OH, MY GOSH. HAVE I MET YOU BEFORE?

DO I KNOW YOU?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M HERE ALL THE TIME. JUST TAKING EXTRA SHIFTS.

- YOU LOOK JUST LIKE A GIRL IN MY CLASS.

- OH.

OH, YOU'RE PROBABLY MISTAKING ME FOR MY DAUGHTER.

THAT'S FLATTERING.

NO, NO, I'M, UH...

DANITRA.

- NO, IT'S JUST THAT YOU LOOK PRECISELY LIKE--

- I GOT LOTS OF TABLES HERE.

- OH, RIGHT, RIGHT. OKAY, UH, HILDEGARD?

- OH, UM, I'M JUST GONNA HAVE THE FISH GRILLED.

I'M NOT REALLY MUCH OF AN EATER.

- BUT YOU ARE A CATCH.

I WILL HAVE THE, UM, [clears throat] T-BONE STEAK.

- OOH. - EXTRA, EXTRA RARE.

- SO, LIKE, SUPER RARE?

- LIKE...BLOODY.

[ominous music]

- OH.

- AND, UH, HOLD THE GARLIC FRIES, PLEASE.

- YOU DON'T LIKE GARLIC?

- UH, WELL, I'M ON A DATE WITH AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADY.

- OH, YOU.

[laughter]

[rock music]

*

- * WAITING AT THE GATE

* YOU THINK I'M FAR TOO LATE *

* BUT I'LL GET IN BEFORE YOU DO *

- I NEED A FISH, GRILLED,

AND A T-BONE STEAK... EXTRA RARE.

IN FACT, BLOODY.

- DID HE ORDER THAT?

- HE DID.

AND HE ALSO SAID, "HOLD THE GARLIC FRIES."

- O-M-G. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- YEP. YOUR SOCK IS DRIPPING.

- OH.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET BACK OUT THERE, BERTHA.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

- EAVESDROP. I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, YOU MIGHT FIND A CLUE TO HIS MASTER PLAN.

- HEY, WHY YOU SO WORRIED, HUH?

- MY MOM'S ON A DATE WITH A VAMPIRE.

- A VAMPIRE?

[speaks Spanish]

- THAT WAS SCRUMPTIOUS.

- WANT TO HEAR THE SPECIALS?

- SURE.

- MY FATHER WAS IN THE ARMY...

- WE DON'T HAVE ANY SPECIALS.

- SO WE MOVED AROUND A LOT.

- THAT MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY DIFFICULT.

- UH, I'LL HAVE A GRILLED HAM AND CHEESE.

- NOT SO LOUD.

- [quietly] I'LL--I'LL HAVE A GRILLED HAM AND CHEESE.

- SHH! - OH, IT WASN'T EASY AT ALL.

AND THEN SOMETIMES I CAN'T BELIEVE--

- I'LL HAVE A GRILLED HAM AND-- - SHH!

- I MEAN, THE KID SUCKS THE LIFE OUT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW. YOU'RE WITH KIDS EVERY DAY.

- AND A SIDE OF FRIES? - SHH.

- ACTUALLY, THEY MAKE ME FEEL YOUNG.

- OH.

- I GUESS I SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF THOSE KIDS, HUH?

[laughter]

- THEY--THEY-- THEY NEED TO ORDER.

- SO...HOW DOES IT TASTE?

- LIKE A SOCK.

- BUT IS IT GOOD?

- FOR A SOCK.

- WELL, WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

I CAN MAKE ANYTHING TASTE GOOD.

- FRED. FRED, UH, THEY'RE LEAVING.

WE GOT TO GO.

- WHAT--WHAT'D YOU HEAR?

- WELL, I, UH--

I THINK HE SAID HE'S GONNA SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF THE KIDS.

- OH... [speaks Spanish]

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- COME ON.

HE IS A BAD TIPPER.

- I SHOULD GET SOME OF THAT.

- THERE'S HARDLY ANY HERE.

- I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR COOKING MY MOM'S FISH.

- YOU DEEP-FRIED A SOCK.

- WHILE SUPERVISING THE GRILLING OF MY MOM'S FISH.

- FINE.

- THANK YOU.

- NOW HOW WE GONNA GET HOME BEFORE THEY DO?

- THE BACK WAY.

- I NEVER SHOULD HAVE EATEN THAT BROWNIE A LA MODE.

TRYING TO KEEP MY GIRLISH FIGURE.

- I ADMIRE A WOMAN WITH A HEARTY APPETITE.

- OH, YOU'RE TOO KIND.

[laughter]

- [grunts] - COME ON.

- ALMOST THERE.

- YOU KNOW, I'M NOT THAT HEAVY.

- ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA PARK THE FRED CYCLE HERE OVERNIGHT, OKAY?

- AREN'T YOU WORRIED PEOPLE WILL TALK?

- ABOUT WHAT?

- ABOUT YOUR BIKE...

BEING PARKED IN MY DRIVEWAY?

- WHAT WOULD THEY SAY?

- NEVER MIND. GET--GO, GO, GO.

- OKAY. - JUST GO. COME ON.

- BYE. - UH-HUH.

[sighs]

- WELL, I HAD A LOVELY TIME.

- DO YOU WANT TO COME IN

FOR A CUP OF COFFEE, TEA, ME?

JUST KIDDING. [laughter]

- OH.

WELL, HILDA, I HAVE SOME THINGS TO DO TONIGHT,

AND TOMORROW IT'S... OFF TO WORK.

- RIGHT. OF COURSE.

- GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE.

OH.

FREDDY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- OH, UH, I'M JUST READING ABOUT 99 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN.

SEEMS LIKE A LOT.

ANYWAYS, UH, HOW WAS YOUR DATE?

- IT WAS WONDERFUL.

WHAT A GENTLEMAN HE IS.

HE PAID FOR MY DINNER, FREDDY.

I DON'T DESERVE HIM.

AND YET I DO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- OH, JUST MAKING SURE HE DIDN'T LEAVE ANY MARKS.

- HE'S A NICE MAN, FREDDY.

HE'S VERY INTERESTED IN YOU.

- ME? HE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT ME?

- YES.

- YOU DIDN'T ANSWER THEM, DID YOU?

- YES, I LIED AND SAID THAT YOU WERE SANE.

GOOD NIGHT.

* LA, LA, LA

- HEY, HOW WAS THE FISH?

- HORRIBLE.

I JUST ORDERED IT TO BE LADYLIKE.

[hums] WAIT.

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I ORDERED FISH?

- I HAVE...MENTAL TILAPIA.

- OH. [hums] - GOOD NIGHT.

- I'VE REALLY GOT TO KEEP AN EYE ON THAT DEVLIN GUY.

MY MOM, SHE TOLD ME HE'S INTERESTED IN ME.

I GUESS HE'S BEEN ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT ME AND STUFF.

BUT ANYWAY, I READ ONLINE,

VAMPIRES, THEY DO ALL OF THEIR DIRTY WORK IN THE NIGHTTIME,

SO THIS IS THE ONLY TIME OF THE DAY

THAT I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO CATCH HIM IN THE ACT.

[crickets chirping]

[gasps]

IS THAT MRS. FELSON'S JACKET?

AAH!

OW.

GAMMIT.

HE SAW ME. I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

[gasps]

DAD! I NEED YOUR HELP.

- WELL, THAT'S NO COINCIDENCE, SON,

BECAUSE I NEED YOUR HELP.

- REALLY? - YES.

WE GOT TO FACE THIS ENEMY TOGETHER.

LET'S GO.

- OKAY.

[cheers and applause]

- NOW ENTERING THE ARENA,

THE REIGNING TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS

FRED FIGGLEHORN...

AND HIS FATHER DAD FIGGLEHORN!

- LET'S GO!

- NOW THE CHAMPS MUST FACE THEIR DEADLIEST OPPONENTS YET.

THE MASKED VAMPIRE...

MR. DEVLIN...

AND HIS UNDEAD PARTNER,

K-K-K-K-K-KEVIN!

- AAH!

- OH, MY GAMMIT.

- THEY'RE VAMPIRES, SON.

IN THE WORDS OF VINCE MCMAHON,

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

- OH, MY GAMMIT!

[bell rings]

- NO HUMAN IS A MATCH FOR THE STRENGTH OF THE UNDEAD.

- EXCEPT A WWE SUPERSTAR.

- I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT.

IF YOU'D LET ME FINISH,

THAT WAS GOING TO BE THE END OF MY SENTENCE.

- I'M SORRY. I CUT YOU OFF.

- YOU'RE WHAT? - I'M SORRY.

- WELL, YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE YOU MEAN IT,

SO APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED.

- AAH!

- PLEASE DON'T BITE MY NECK!

- EW, I'M NOT GONNA BITE YOU.

- YOU AREN'T?

- NO, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

THE OTHER VAMPIRES WILL THINK WE'RE DATING.

- OH, I JUST--I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TURN ME UNDEAD.

- NO, SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO IT.

I JUST--I JUST WANT YOU DEAD.

- WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF.

- OW!

- GOOD JOB, SON.

- THANKS. LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU.

- TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX,

SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN!

- AAH!

WELL, I BETTER GET TO BED.

I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW.

- OW! [bell dings]

- I'M MORE CONVINCED THAN EVER THAT HE'S A VAMPIRE.

- OH, COME ON, FRED.

- WELL, DID YOU HEAR HIM?

HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF THOSE KIDS.

- YEAH, I HEARD HIM, BUT I'M SURE HE MEANT SOMETHING ELSE.

- HEY, FRED. I'M GOING TO NEED SOME OF YOUR BLOOD.

YOU TOO, BERTHA.

- I STAND CORRECTED.

- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

WE'D GIVE YOU ANY OF OUR BLOOD, MR. DEVLIN?

- FOR THE BLOOD DRIVE.

- OH.

- I'M GOING TO GET A PINT OF BLOOD

FROM EACH OF THE KIDS.

KEVIN GAVE A PINT THIS MORNING.

- YEP, AND I FEEL GREAT.

- WELL, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.

- YEAH, WELL, I LOOK BETTER THAN YOU!

- I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT, STUPID.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S A GREAT THING THAT KEVIN'S DONE.

HE'S GIVEN THE GIFT OF LIFE TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS IT.

- KIND OF LIKE A VAMPIRE, IF YOU ASK ME.

- WELL, VAMPIRES NEED TO LIVE TOO, FRED.

- NO, THEY DON'T.

THEY'RE DEAD ALREADY.

- OH, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, FRED.

VAMPIRES ARE UNDEAD.

[laughs]

WELL, ENOUGH JOKING AROUND.

I HAVE TO GET GOING.

I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER, WHEN I TAKE YOUR BLOOD.

OH, BERTHA, I MET YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT.

SHE IS A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WAITRESS.

- MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU GIVE HER A BETTER TIP.

- THE RECITAL IS TONIGHT, AND EVERYONE'S GONNA BE THERE.

- I KNOW. ISN'T IT EXCITING?

- IT'S SCARY, IS WHAT IT IS.

- I KNOW. I KNOW.

TOTALLY SCARY IN AN EXCITING WAY.

HEY, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

I MADE THESE HAND PUPPETS.

"HI, FRED. I'M TALIA."

"HI, TALIA, I'M FRED."

"I LIKE YOU, FRED."

"I'M NOT SURE I'M READY TO SAY

HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU YET, TALIA."

"THAT'S OKAY.

EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY OPENED MYSELF UP TO YOU."

- THAT--THAT'S NICE.

- TALIA, HURRY UP.

MR. DEVLIN IS WAITING.

- I HOPE YOU'RE NOT MAD I'M TAKING LESSONS.

- WAS THAT THE PUPPET TALKING?

- OKAY, BYE. MWAH.

- PUPPET COOTIES. EW!

TALIA'S UNDER HIS SPELL, TOO!

WHICH IN SOME WAYS IS OKAY,

BECAUSE SHE'S KIND OF CREEPING ME OUT, BUT STILL.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- HE'S TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING. [toilet flushes]

- DAD.

- AND YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

- CRIPES, DAD. - LANGUAGE.

- WHAT SHOULD I DO?

- I'D LIGHT SOME SCENTED CANDLES.

MAYBE BREATHE THROUGH A DAMP CLOTH.

- NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT DEVLIN.

- YOU GOT TO SUCK HIS BLOOD.

SUCK HIS BLOOD BEFORE HE SUCKS YOURS.

GRAB HIS HEAD LIKE THIS.

TURN HIS NECK SIDEWAYS LIKE THIS.

[grunts]

- OW!

- AND THEN YOU BITE HIS NECK,

YOU DRINK THAT BLOOD.

THAT WARM, THICK, GOOEY BLOOD.

YOU GOT TO GULP IT DOWN

LIKE SOME RED HOT MOTOR OIL MILKSHAKE.

I MEAN, YOU GOT TO DRINK SO MUCH OF THAT BLOOD

THAT IT--IT SMELLS LIKE A HOSPITAL

AND TASTES LIKE A DENTIST!

FRED? FRED?

- I'M SORRY. I PASSED OUT.

- IT'S OKAY. WHERE WAS I?

UH, OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SMELLS LIKE A HOSPITAL AND TASTES LIKE A DENTIST!

- UGH.

- FRED. FRED.

WAKE UP.

YOU GOT TO PREPARE YOURSELF.

FIRST OF ALL, VAMPIRES HATE BASEBALL PLAYERS.

SO WE GOT TO FIND A BUNCH OF BASEBALL PLAYERS

TO HELP US OUT.

- YEAH. WAIT. WHAT?

- VAMPIRES ARE ALWAYS YELLING AT BASEBALL PLAYERS.

- I THINK YOU'RE THINKING OF UMPIRES, DAD.

- I STILL THINK A BASEBALL PLAYER

MAY BE OF SOME USE TO US.

- OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

YOU GOT TO TAKE THIS GUY ON IN PUBLIC.

THAT WAY HE'S GOT NO PLACE TO HIDE.

- THE RECITAL'S TONIGHT.

AND EVERYONE'S GONNA BE THERE.

- THAT'S THE FIELD OF BATTLE.

THAT'S WHERE HE'S GONNA TURN EVERYBODY INTO VAMPIRES.

- AND THAT'S WHERE I'M GONNA TAKE A WOODEN STAKE

AND DRIVE IT INTO HIS HEART!

- WAIT, YOU'RE--

YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA STAB HIM, ARE YOU?

- WELL, YEAH. HE'S A VAMPIRE, DAD.

- GOOD!

JUST TRY NOT TO GET ANY BLOOD ON YOUR SHIRT, OKAY?

- OKAY. - NOW GO.

GATHER YOUR FORCES!

TAKE THIS. IT'LL MAKE YOU GO FASTER.

- OKAY. THANKS, DAD.

[triumphant music]

*

OW! OW.

[keyboard playing William Tell Overture]

BERTHA! BERTHA! BERTHA!

IT'S THE RECITAL. THAT'S WHERE HE'S GO--

[keyboard stops]

- HELLO-SKI.

- YOU'RE TAKING LESSONS?

- MY MOM'S MAKING ME DO IT.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

- OH, IT'S A VERY BIG DEAL.

SHE'S VERY TALENTED.

JOIN THE WORLD, FRED.

- AAH! I'M ALONE!

EVERYBODY ELSE HAS JOINED HIS EVIL WORLD!

HE CREPT INTO EVERY CORNER OF MY LIFE AND TOOK OVER!

NOW I HAVE TO TAKE HIM ON ALL BY MYSELF.

FIRST, I'LL NEED A CROSS.

A REALLY BIG CROSS.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- DERF!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- THERE'S A QUESTION ALREADY ON THE TABLE.

- OH, I'M USING THIS CROSS AGAINST A VAMPIRE.

DO YOU WANT TO HELP?

- NO. - OKAY.

SO, UH, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, DERF?

- YOU KNOW, I BEEN PRETTY CHILL.

- IS THAT GOOD?

- IT'S TIGHT.

- IS THAT GOOD?

- ON POINT. - IS THAT GOOD?

- IT'S OFF THE CHAIN, FRED.

- DERF! JUST TELL ME. ARE YOU OKAY?

- YEAH.

- OKAY.

- YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT A REAL CROSS, RIGHT?

- OH, I KNOW, BUT IT'LL DO. I THINK.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW? ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?

- NO. I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT THEM ONLINE.

- NO ONE'S EVER LEARNED HOW TO KILL A VAMPIRE

FROM THE INTERNET.

- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE THE FIRST THEN.

- YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

- YEAH, I'VE GOT TO STOP THIS VAMPIRE.

- UH, AND THERE'S A COP CAR.

IT'S ILLEGAL TO STEAL SIGNS, FRED.

[siren wails]

- HELLO. HELLO.

OH, YOU LOOK SO HUNGRY.

LET ME GET YOU SOME FOOD.

- UM, I'LL JUST HAVE SOME GARLIC SAUCE.

- GARLIC SAUCE?

ALL YOU'RE GONNA EAT IS GARLIC SAUCE?

- YEAH. CAN'T YOU JUST GET, LIKE,

A BIG OLD BOWL OF GARLIC SAUCE, YOU KNOW?

- NO.

- OH.

OKAY, WELL, UM, DO YOU HAVE, LIKE,

CHICKEN WITH GARLIC SAUCE? - YES.

- OKAY, I'LL HAVE CHICKEN WITH GARLIC SAUCE.

- OKAY. - JUST HOLD THE CHICKEN.

- WHY YOU NEED GARLIC SAUCE?

- TO STOP A VAMPIRE.

- WHAT'S A VAMPIRE?

- OH, IT'S, LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE, A...

GRRR!

- AAH!

YOU VAMPIRE?

- OH, NO, NO, I'M NOT A VAMPIRE,

- WHAT'S A VAMPIRE?

- NEVER MIND.

ANYWAYS, CAN I JUST GET SOME GARLIC SAUCE PLEASE?

- YES. GARLIC SAUCE. TO GO.

BE RIGHT BACK.

THERE'S A WEIRD KID HERE.

ALL HE EATS IS GARLIC SAUCE.

- OOH. THAT WOULD UPSET HIS STOMACH.

- HE SCARES ME. HE CREEPS ME OUT.

- I'LL GET THE GARLIC SAUCE.

- NO, NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE OUT HERE WITH HIM.

- OOH, SAY HI TO ALL THE PEOPLE.

- HE FREAKS ME OUT. I FEAR FOR MY LIFE.

- HEY. - HI.

FORTUNE COOKIE?

- OKAY.

- HERE'S GARLIC SAUCE.

- OH, AND HOW MUCH WILL THAT COST PLEASE?

- ON THE HOUSE.

- REALLY?

THAT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU GUYS.

YOU GUYS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

- WE VERY NICE PEOPLE. YOU TELL FRIENDS.

BUT YOU PLEASE GO NOW.

- COME ON. NICE KID.

[suspenseful music]

- AAH!

- I TOLD YOU HE'S WEIRD.

- THERE YOU ARE. WHAT'S ALL THIS STUFF?

- OH. IT'S SUPPLIES.

- BUT YOU'RE COMING TO RECITAL, AREN'T YOU?

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO JAKE.

- OH, IT'S "JAKE" NOW?

- OH, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN JAKE. WE'RE ADULTS.

- WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY.

I WOULDN'T MISS JAKE'S RECITAL FOR THE WORLD.

- YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD REALLY CALL HIM MR. DEVLIN.

IT'S VERY DISRESPECTFUL.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL HIM?

I'M SO CONFUSED, MOM.

- I JUST WANT YOU TO BE ON TIME FOR THE RECITAL.

- OH, I'LL BE RIGHT ON TIME.

- WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT?

ARE YOU PRETENDING YOU'RE IN A MOVIE OR SOMETHING?

- NO.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN, YOU BE A GOOD BOY,

AND I'LL SEE YOU AT THAT RECITAL.

- BYE.

ALL RIGHT, MR. MUSIC TEACHER.

TIME TO GIVE YOU A LESSON.

- * EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT *

* AND EVERYBODY WANG CHU--

- BACK, FOUL BEAST!

THESE PEOPLE WILL NOT BE YOUR MINIONS!

- FRED? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?

- YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

- FREDDY, COME AND SIT DOWN. I SAVED YOU A SEAT.

ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE. LET'S ENJOY THE RECITAL.

- FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, MOM.

AND SECOND OF ALL, THAT MAN IS PURE EVIL!

- FRED, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. HE'S BEING RIDICULOUS.

- YES, YOUR MOTHER IS RIGHT, FRED.

YOU ARE BEING-- WHAT WAS THAT WORD AGAIN?

- RIDICULOUS. - RIDICULOUS.

NOW GIVE ME THE WATER GUN.

- FIRST OF ALL, THIS RIGHT HERE ISN'T A WATER GUN.

IT'S A MASTER BLASTER!

TOP OF THE LINE IN LIQUID DISPERSAL WEAPONRY.

AND, SECOND OF ALL,

YOU'LL GET THIS OVER MY DEAD HOT BODY!

- I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY, FRED.

YOU COULD GET HURT.

- JAKE, I AM SO SORRY.

HE HASN'T BEEN HIMSELF SINCE THE DAY HE WAS BORN.

- STEP AWAY, MOM. PLEASE.

- YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS!

- AM I?

WELL, THIS MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND.

[audience gasps]

- OH, MY GOSH. I LOOK LIKE CRAP.

HEY, WHERE'S YOUR--

WHERE'S--

- EVERYBODY, STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

THE RECITAL IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

NOW.

- [roars]

- AAH!

- GARLIC SAUCE.

- KEVIN!

- GIVE ME THE WATER GUN, FRED.

- IT'S A MASTER BLASTER.

- FINE. GIVE ME THE MASTER BLASTER,

OR TALIA JOINS THE UNDEAD.

IT'S OVER, FRED.

YOU'VE LOST.

NOW KICK THE WATER GUN OVER TO ME.

- IT'S A MASTER BLASTER.

- FINE. MASTER BLASTER.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

- THE DIFFERENCE IS, DEVLIN,

THAT THIS IS A WATER GUN.

- UGH. GAMMIT.

[cheers and applause]

- ATTA BOY, FREDDY BOY!

- FRED, YOU SAVED ME.

- MY SON. THAT'S MY ONLY SON.

[horn honks]

- OH. SORRY.

- EXCELLENT JOB, REBECCA. FANTASTIC.

UP NEXT, WE HAVE GULLIVER MITTENS.

- BACK, FOUL BEAST!

THESE PEOPLE WILL NOT BE YOUR MINIONS!

- OH, MY-- - OKAY.

- FIGGLEHORN, WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE, BRO?

- NO CAN DO, KEVIN.

- OKAY, COME ON, FREDDY.

SIT DOWN. I SAVED YOU A SEAT HERE.

- CALM DOWN, EVERYONE. I'LL KEEP YOU SAFE.

I'M HERE TO PROTECT YOU.

THIS GARLIC SAUCE WILL PROTECT YOU!

I AM YOUR SAVIOR!

I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU GUYS.

- AAH! AAH! IT BURNS!

- DID YOU HEAR THAT? HE SAID IT BURNS.

HE'S ALREADY A VAMPIRE.

DON'T WORRY, TALIA. I'M HERE TO PROTECT YOU.

- FRED! FRED, STOP IT!

PLEASE, HILDA, DO SOMETHING.

- I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE, MOM.

I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

- I'M SORRY, EVERYBODY. JAKE, I'M SO SORRY.

- MOM, HE'S A VAMPIRE.

- HE IS NOT A VAMPIRE!

YOU ARE GOING HOME, AND I AM TAKING A NAP.

SO SORRY. SORRY.

UGH. SMELL LIKE A USED NAPKIN IN A PIZZA PARLOR.

- OH, ACTUALLY I GOT IT AT THE CHINESE PLACE.

- ACTUALLY, I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GOT IT.

WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

- HE'S A VAMPIRE.

- HE IS NOT A VAMPIRE.

- SAYS THE HYPNOTIZED WOMAN.

- THANK YOU.

- THEY'LL SEE.

HEY, TALIA.

NICE TALKING TO YOU.

- SHE'S SCARED.

YEAH.

- WHY WOULD SHE BE SCARED, BERTHA?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW,

MAYBE 'CAUSE A CRAZY PERSON

SPRAYED GARLIC IN HER FACE YESTERDAY.

- OH, MY GAMMIT. WHO DID THAT?

OH.

- [hisses] WATCH OUT, FIGGLEHORN!

IT'S A FLYING VAMPIRE BAT!

- BETTER PROTECT YOURSELF WITH GARLIC!

- AAH! GET AWAY!

- EVERYONE, STOP!

DIESEL, PUT THAT AWAY.

- IT'S JUST WATER. - IT'S STILL BAD.

ALL OF YOU, GET TO CLASS.

- YEAH, YOU HEARD HIM.

- NOW, KEVIN.

OH, FRED, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE THE WRONG IMPRESSION OF ME.

- OH, SO YOU'RE NOT A VAMPIRE?

- EVERYONE KNOWS THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS VAMPIRES.

- THAT DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION.

- LISTEN, I'D LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO DINNER AT MY HOUSE.

TONIGHT.

- WHAT, SO I CAN JOIN YOUR WORLD?

- YES, WE NEED TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER.

BURY THE HATCHET, IF YOU WILL.

- DID YOU HEAR THAT?

HE WANTS TO BURY THE HATCHET!

PROBABLY IN MY HEAD.

I'M GOING INTO THE LION'S DEN!

THE DEVLIN LION'S DEN!

I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!

BUT THIS IS THE ONLY CHANCE I HAVE

TO CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT DEVLIN, HE IS DANGEROUS.

AND I'M BRINGING A SECRET WEAPON WITH ME.

THIS.

AS YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PRETTY INTERNET SAVVY,

SO WHAT I'M GONNA DO

IS I'M GONNA TRANSMIT A LIVE VIDEO FEED

OF MY DINNER AT MR. DEVLIN'S.

IF HE TRIES ANYTHING, AND I MEAN ANYTHING,

THE WHOLE WORLD WILL SEE IT ON THE WEBSITE!

THAT DEVIL IS OF THE UNDEAD!

DEVLIN. I MEANT TO SAY DEVLIN.

DEVIL...N.

DEVIL...N.

N...DEVIL.

N-N-N-N-DEVIL. DEVIL. DEVIL.

DEVLIN.

THERE'S SOMETHING WITH THE NAME.

I KNOW IT. JUST GOT TO FIGURE IT OUT.

THINK. THINK, FRED.

I GOT IT!

IF YOU COMBINE "DEVIL" WITH "KEVIN,"

YOU GET DEVLIN.

- FRED.

[distant piano playing]

*

[cell phone beeps]

[piano continues]

[door creaks]

- HELLO-SKI, FRED.

WELCOME TO MY HOME.

- HI.

UM... IT'S UH--

IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE HERE.

- YOU KNOW, I WAS WORRIED YOU MIGHT NOT SHOW UP,

BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.

I HAVE A SPECIAL MEAL PLAN

THAT I'M VERY EXCITED FOR YOU TO TRY.

IT'S A FOOD I'M SURE YOU'VE NEVER EATEN BEFORE.

- OH. SOUNDS GOOD.

- BUT THERE ARE A FEW PREPARATIONS

I NEED TO MAKE IN THE KITCHEN.

PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

[suspenseful music]

*

- THERE'S A LETTER IN YOUR MAILBOX!

- FIGGLEHORN?

THE HECK IS THIS?

- YOU KNOW, FRED, TONIGHT IS A BIT OF A CELEBRATION.

- WHY IS THAT?

- WE COLLECTED OVER NINE GALLONS OF BLOOD AT THE BLOOD DRIVE.

THAT'S DOUBLE THE PREVIOUS SCHOOL RECORD.

[cell phone beeping]

THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD. - YEAH.

- DIESEL, YOU GOT TO WATCH FIGGLEHORN'S WEBSITE

RIGHT NOW, MAN.

- I'M WATCHING IT. IT'S CREEPING ME OUT.

[knock at door]

UH, I'M HANDLING MY BUSINESS IN HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT BLOOD?

- [laughs] WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WHA-- - AAH!

- OKAY, FRED.

TIME TO DIG UP DINNER.

- ARE YOU WATCHING THIS?

- IT'S SO SCARY.

- OKAY.

- COME ON. I CAN'T WAIT TO SINK MY TEETH INTO THIS.

- OH, MY GAMMIT.

HE'S GONNA MAKE ME DIG UP DEAD BODIES AND EAT THEM.

DEAD BODIES!

HELP ME.

- SHOULDN'T BE MUCH FURTHER NOW, FRED.

- OKAY.

[clanking]

OH, FRED, THERE IT IS.

NOW HELP ME GET THIS UP.

- I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT. WHO IS IN THERE?

- FRED, IT'S KIMCHI.

- I'M GONNA GO WASH MY HANDS.

I ALWAYS WASH MY HANDS BEFORE I EAT.

OH, MY GAMMIT!

HE'S KILLED SOMEONE NAMED KIM CHI,

AND NOW HE EXPECTS ME TO EAT HER!

I DON'T WANT TO EAT A DEAD BODY.

- OH. - WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

[bat shrieks]

- OOH! - AAH!

AAH!

WHERE AM I?

I'VE GOT TO FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE.

MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY OUT.

- NO.

- [sighs]

- DON'T, FRED.

- DON'T!

- NO, FRED.

- DON'T DO IT!

NO ONE EVER GOES FOR THE DOOR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

- OH.

- WHERE AM I?

- I HOPE THAT'S BOLOGNA.

- [burps]

WHAT IS THAT?

OH!

- AW.

- WHA--FIGGLEHORN.

- [whimpering]

- FIGGLEHORN, TURN AROUND.

- GET OUT OF THERE! GET OUT OF THERE!

- FRED?

- COME ON! JUST DON'T STAND THERE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AGH!

- AH-HA. - AH!

- THERE YOU ARE.

I SEE YOU DISCOVERED MY SECRET KITCHEN.

PRETTY NEAT, RIGHT?

- WHAT IS THIS?

- THIS IS STEAK.

- STEAK? - MM-HMM.

FOR BULGOGI--KOREAN BARBEQUE. FUN WORD, RIGHT?

BULGOGI.

- SO...ARE WE STILL EATING KIMCHI?

- OH, WE'RE DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY EATING KIMCHI...

WHICH IS KOREAN COLE SLAW.

WE BURY IT IN THE GROUND TO HELP IT FERMENT.

- ISN'T THAT WEIRD, EATING STUFF OUT OF THE GROUND?

- WELL, WE EAT VEGETABLES, AND THEY COME OUT OF THE GROUND.

RIGHT?

- I DON'T EAT VEGETABLES.

- OH, WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO COOK THIS UP, HUH?

AND ON THE WAY, I WILL TELL YOU

ABOUT MY TRADITIONAL HEADDRESS.

IN ANCIENT KOREA, PEOPLE USED TO WEAR HEADDRESSES.

- KEVIN, DID YOU PRACTICE YOUR PIANO?

- I...AM DONE WITH PIANO.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- THE BAT WAS INJURED, SO I NURSED IT BACK TO HEALTH.

I TRIED TO LET IT LEAVE, BUT IT ALWAYS CAME BACK TO ME.

SO FRED, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- YOU KNOW, IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

- I KNEW YOU'D LIKE IT.

AND I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING YOU'D NEVER HAD BEFORE.

- SO WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED IN KOREAN FOOD?

- WELL, IT BRINGS BACK GOOD MEMORIES OF WHEN I WAS A KID.

MY DAD WAS IN THE ARMY.

FOR A WHILE WAS STATIONED IN SOUTH KOREA.

WE USED TO EAT IT ALL THE TIME.

BUT WHEN I WAS TEN, MY PARENTS GOT DIVORCED

AND I MOVED BACK HERE WITH MY MOM.

- YEAH, I LIVE WITH MY MOM TOO.

- I KNOW. - OH, RIGHT.

YOU GUYS ARE DATING. - YEAH.

- BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND. OH, YEAH.

JUST KIDDING.

DID YOU EVER MISS YOUR DAD WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP?

- A LOT.

- YEAH, I REALLY MISS MY DAD.

- I SUPPOSE THE GOOD THAT CAME OUT OF IT

IS THAT WHEN WE LEFT KOREA,

THAT'S WHEN I STARTED TAKING PIANO LESSONS.

- REALLY?

- IT WAS A GIFT.

MUSIC LET ME ESCAPE.

AND AS AN ADULT, MUSIC LETS ME BE ACCEPTED.

IT MAKES PEOPLE FORGET THAT THEY THINK THAT I'M WEIRD.

- YEAH, PEOPLE CALL ME THAT, TOO.

WAIT! IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN

WHEN YOU SAY, "JOIN THE WORLD OF MUSIC"?

- WHEN I PLAY MUSIC, I STOP BEING AN OUTSIDER.

AND PEOPLE STOP THINKING I'M WEIRD BECAUSE I WALK AROUND

WITH AN UMBRELLA IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

TO PROTECT MY SKIN.

- THAT IS SORT OF WEIRD, NO OFFENSE.

- NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. - DON'T TAKE OFFENSE TO IT.

- I DON'T.

- BUT YEAH, I THINK I GET IT NOW,

THE WHOLE JOIN THE WORLD WITH MUSIC THING.

- YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD...

WHICH IS WHY I WAS HOPING THAT WE'D BECOME FRIENDS.

- WE ARE FRIENDS.

- HA, GOOD.

WELL, LET'S TOAST TO IT.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ATE FOOD OUT OF THE GROUND.

- WE ALL EAT FOOD OUT OF THE GROUND, BERTHA!

IT'S CALLED VEGETABLES!

- I DON'T EAT VEGETABLES.

- FIGGLEHORN! YOU MADE IT!

- OH, MAN, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE A GONER, BRO.

- YEAH, I WAS SO SCARED.

- YOU RISKED YOUR LIFE TO SAVE US!

YOU'RE A HERO, MAN! A HERO!

- THANKS.

WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

- I HAVE NO IDEA.

- WHAT'S THIS?

- UM...

- HI, FRED!

- TALIA, I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT THE GARLIC.

- YEAH, THAT WAS WEIRD.

BUT IT TURNS OUT YOUR WERE RIGHT TO WARN US ABOUT MR. DEVLIN.

- WHAT--WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- WE ALL SAW YOUR VIDEO.

KEVIN SAYS HE'S A VAMPIRE.

ME AND MY MOM THINK HE'S JUST A WEIRDO.

BUT NOW WE KNOW TO STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

- WAIT. YOU MEAN THE LIVE VIDEO FEED ON MY WEBSITE?

PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCHED THAT?

- YEAH. EVERYBODY.

MM.

- BUT THE THING IS NONE OF THAT'S TRUE.

IT'S ALL WRONG!

IF EVERYONE SEES IT THEN-- - HEY, FIGGLEHORN!

- WHAT DO YOU WANT, KEVIN?

- HEY, THANKS FOR LETTING US KNOW ABOUT THAT WEIRDO.

[exhales]

- UM-- - O-M-G! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

THIS IS MAD!

MR. DEVLIN! MR. DEVLIN, IT'S ME, FRED.

I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

I'M REALLY SORRY!

MR. DEVLIN! PLEASE!

[Fred on video] OH, MY GOD!

HE'S GONNA MAKE ME EAT A DEAD BODY.

DEAD BODY!

HELP ME.

OH, MY GAMMIT!

I'VE GOTTA TAKE DOWN MY WEBSITE

BEFORE IT DOES ANYMORE DAMAGE!

WOWZER-COPTER!

IS THAT HOW MANY HITS ARE ON MY WEBSITE?

THIS IS REALLY...BAD! IT'S BAD IS WHAT IT IS!

THIS WEBSITE IS HURTING PEOPLE! IT HURT SOMEONE.

I COULD HAVE LIKE A REALLY GOOD LIFE

IF I GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

I MEAN, LIKE THE FANS WILL KEEP BUILDING UP,

THE VIEWS WILL RISE.

I'LL GIVE ME AND MY MOM THE LIFE WE DESERVE!

TAKE IT DOWN, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

YOU COULD BECOME FAMOUS, FRED! TAKE IT DOWN.

NO, YOU WON'T. TAKE IT DOWN! NO!

OKAY, IT'S DOWN.

- WELL, FRED, MR. DEVLIN'S LEAVING.

YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

- THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED, BERTHA.

I MEAN, YEAH, IT'S WHAT I WANTED ORIGINALLY.

BUT THEN OVER TIME-- - I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.

I KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

- I REALLY HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

- ME, TOO. SEE YA.

- HEY, MOM. WHAT'S ALL THIS?

- ONLY TIME I EVER TIME I EVER HAD A DECENT RELATIONSHIP

WITH A MAN TREATING ME WITH RESPECT...

WHO IS NICE TO ME.

YOU HAD TO GO AND TELL THE WHOLE WORLD

THAT HE WAS EVIL.

- OOH, NO, MOM!

YOU SAID YOU'D QUIT.

- I'M DEPRESSED, FRED.

THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN I'M DEPRESSED.

- WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET ALL THIS FOOD?

- I WAS MOONLIGHTING AT A BAR MITZVAH.

I'M TAKING A NAP.

[sobbing]

- OH-HO!

GUILT IS SO AWFUL!

[crying]

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

CAN'T JUST STAND BY AND LET THIS HAPPEN!

I'VE RUINED A MAN'S LIFE BY FALSELY ACCUSING HIM

OF BEING A VAMPIRE.

I'VE RUINED MY MOM'S ONE CHANCE AT TRUE HAPPINESS!

I WISH I COULD TAKE IT BACK.

I MEAN, I WISH IT WAS JUST ME EVERYONE WAS MAD AT AGAIN.

I WOULD TRADE PLACES WITH HIM IN A SECOND.

WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A SECOND.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A SECOND.

TRADE PLACES WITH HIM.

I NEED YOUR HELP. - FOR WHAT?

- I'M GOING TO CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I'M A VAMPIRE

SO THEY'RE MAD AT ME AND SCARED OF ME

AND SO THEY CAN FOCUS ON ME AND BLAME ME

AND SO MR. DEVLIN CAN HAVE HIS LIFE BACK.

- FRED, MOST PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE IN VAMPIRES.

- I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS GONNA BE EASY.

- I'M IN.

OKAY, HERE WE GO! AND...WHOO!

[punk rock music]

*

- * COME ON ALONG

* LET'S ALL GO GET INTO SOME TROUBLE *

* WRITING OFF REALITY, WAKE UP INSANITY, YEAH *

* RUNNING FOR THE EDGE THEN JUMP OFF THE LEDGE *

* IT'S MAYHEM

* TURN UP THE STEREOS BREAK ALL THE BARRIERS TODAY *

* THESE RECKLESS AMBITIONS

* ARE PUTTING ME UNDER A SPELL *

* YEAH, WELL, OH, WELL

* NOW ISN'T THIS FUN

* OH, ISN'T THIS FUN

* COME ON, OH, BOY

* IT'S TIME TO ANNOY ALL THE NEIGHBORS *

* NAUGHTY, IMPROPER, UNRULY, INDECENT BEHAVIOR *

* I GOT THE NOTION TO START SOME COMMOTION RAGES *

* CRANK UP THE FUN AND GET INTO SOME CLOSE SHAVERS *

* OH, ISN'T THIS FUN

* NOW ISN'T THIS...

* FUN [knocking]

- HEY, IT'S ME, SOCK PUPPET FRED.

LET ME IN.

- QUIET OR SHE'LL KNOW WE'RE IN HERE.

- I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

- [scoffs]

TALIA, WE'RE KINDA BUSY RIGHT NOW.

- CAN I HELP?

- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

- UH, WE COULD USE HER.

- OKAY, WE HAVE A LOT TO DO THOUGH, SO...

- I HOPE WE DON'T NEED MY OTHER SOCK PUPPET, THOUGH,

'CAUSE I KINDA LOST MYSELF.

- OKAY, WE DON'T NEED ANY SOCK PUPPETS, TALIA.

THIS IS SERIOUS.

OKAY, YOU SEE, I'M GONNA CONVINCE EVERYONE

THAT I'M A VAMPIRE SO PEOPLE WILL LEAVE MR. DEVLIN ALONE.

- BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CONVINCED US

THAT HE'S A VAMPIRE.

- EXACTLY.

- SO YOU LIKE MR. DEVLIN NOW? - MM-HMM.

- BUT HE'S SO WEIRD.

- YEAH, BUT SO AM I.

- EVERYBODY'S WEIRD.

THERE'S JUST SOME PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO ACT LIKE THEY'RE NORMAL.

- EXACTLY.

SO...YOU STILL INTERESTED IN HELPING?

- SURE!

[mariachi music]

*

- KEVIN, YOUR FATHER AND I ARE GOING OUT.

SO JUST MAKE SURE YOUR SISTER IS IN BED BY 9:00.

- WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW, MOM, I'VE RAISED MY BABYSITTING RATES

TO $15 AN HOUR, SO.

- DON'T WE GET THE FAMILY DISCOUNT?

- NO, MOM, I ONLY BABYSIT FOR MY FAMILY.

- OH, MY GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD BUSINESS MAN.

I JUST LOVE THAT! - AH!

- I AM SORRY.

OKAY, REMEMBER, SHE HAS TO BE IN BED BY 9:00.

I LOVE YOU.

- ARE YOU FRED'S GIRLFRIEND?

- I'M A GIRL... AND I'M FRED'S FRIEND.

- DID THAT ANSWER MY QUESTION?

- YOU TELL ME.

- HOW DO I LOOK? - WHAT?

- HOW DO I LOOK?

- OH, UH...

LOSE THE SPOCK EARS.

- TOO MUCH? - TOO CHEESY.

- OKAY. - TALIA!

TALIA!

WHERE ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE MAGGOT?

HEY, TALIA!

TALIA!

COME ON, YOU GOTTA COME INSIDE.

IF YOU'RE NOT HOME WHEN MOM GETS BACK,

SHE'S TAKING AWAY MY COMPUTER...

- DON'T ANSWER HIM! - FOR A WEEK!

- DON'T WORRY. I DON'T TALK TO HIM.

- HE'S BABYSITTING TONIGHT AND I HATE IT.

- WHY? IS HE REALLY MEAN?

- NO, HE MAKES ME JUDGE HIS FART SMELLS.

[both gagging]

- COME ON, THE FINAL FIVE IS TONIGHT.

DEVLIN'S GOT MY SISTER. - OH, ARE YOU SURE?

- OF COURSE I'M SURE,

OR ELSE I WOULDN'T HAVE CALLED YOU GUYS OVER HERE.

- WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE.

- WELL, I'M NOT 100% SURE.

- BUT YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE SURE.

- I KNOW, BUT THE POINT IS IT'S MY JOB AS HER BABYSITTER

TO PROTECT HER, SO WE GOTTA GET HER, ALL RIGHT?

- I'M STILL NOT CLEAR HOW SURE WE ARE.

- LOOK, THE VAMPIRE IS NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS.

ALL RIGHT?

- HOW MUCH YOU GETTING PAID TO BABYSIT?

- WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

- WELL, YOU SAID IT WAS YOUR JOB AND WE'RE HELPING YOU.

AND IF YOU'RE GETTING PAID, I THINK WE SHOULD...

- WELL...I MEAN, IT DOESN'T MATTER

HOW MUCH I'M GETTING PAID, OKAY?

THE POINT IS... DEVLIN IS GOING DOWN.

[metal chimes]

- IS THIS THE ACTUAL GARDEN WEASEL AS SEEN ON TV

OR JUST A CHEAP IMITATION?

- WHY DOES THAT MATTER?

- IF I'M GONNA ATTACK A VAMPIRE, I'D LIKE TO THINK

THAT I'M PROTECTED BY THE QUALITY CRAFTSMANSHIP

AND DURABILITY OF THE ORIGINAL GARDEN WEASEL.

- [sighs] LET'S GO.

- [mumbling]

THANK YOU. OKAY.

BERTHA, CALL THE POLICE AND TELL THEM YOU'VE SEEN

A VAMPIRE FLYING OVER THIS HOUSE.

- HAVE YOU THOUGHT THIS THROUGH?

- I KNOW YOU HAVE MY SISTER IN THERE, YOU VAMPIRE!

- COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO GET THIS GUY.

- LET'S GET HIM.

- HEY, DEVLIN!

WE'RE NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL YOU LET HER GO, MAN!

HEY! DEVLIN!

COME ON, I KNOW YOU GOT MY SISTER IN THERE!

- HE THINKS DEVLIN'S GOT TALIA. - WHAT?

WELL, I SHOULD GO TELL THEM WHERE I AM.

- WAIT, I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.

[mumbling]

- GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!

- YEAH, WE DON'T WANT WEIRDOES LIKE YOU AROUND HERE NO MORE!

- THANKS FOR THE PIANO LESSONS!

- "THANKS FOR THE PIANO LESSONS"?

- I--I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO, AND NOW I DO.

BUT ALSO GET OUTTA OUR TOWN!

All: YEAH!

- KEVIN? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- YOU HAVE MY SISTER TALIA IN THERE, I KNOW IT.

YOU NEED TO LET HER GO, YOU...VAMPIRE!

- YOUR SISTER'S NOT IN HERE.

AND THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS VAMPIRES.

- YES, THERE IS.

BUT IT'S NOT DEVLIN.

IT'S HIM!

- YOU'RE REALLY HEAVY. - SORRY.

- TONIGHT, TALIA IS MINE!

- FIGGLEHORN?

- JUST GOTTA--JUST GOTTA PUT HER DOWN FOR A MINUTE.

OKAY.

[struggling]

- YOU'VE GOTTA STOP HIM!

- WHAT? ME?

- YES, YOU! HERE!

TAKE THIS STAKE AND JUST DRIVE IT INTO FRED'S HEART.

- WHY--WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT?

WHY CAN'T WE GET A GROWN-UP TO DO IT OR SOMETHING?

- THIS IS YOUR SISTER!

AND IT'S BECAUSE YOU AND TALIA HAVE THE SAME BLOOD.

- WHY--WHAT WOULD THAT HAVE TO DO WITH IT?

- YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DO IT!

- COME, MY DARLING!

JOIN ME TONIGHT IN THE UNDEAD!

- DUDE, YOUR SISTER'S GONNA BE VAMPIRE MEAT!

DO SOMETHING! STAB HIM!

STAB HIM THROUGH THE HEART!

- STOP ME IF YOU CAN, BUT YOU CAN'T...

BECAUSE MY POWERS ARE MORE INTENSE THAN YOURS.

- YOU'VE GOTTA DO IT!

STICK THIS STAKE IN HIM

AND DRIVE THE STAKE THROUGH HIS HEART.

KILL THE VAMPIRE! SAVE YOUR SISTER!

- [roars]

- [screaming]

- AGHH!

OW!

- WAIT! GUYS! GUYS, COME BACK!

- I'M VANQUISHED.

- I KILLED A VAMPIRE! [laughing]

I KILLED...

FIGGLEHORN.

FIGGLEHORN?

FRED?

- WE DID IT! - WE DID IT! IT WORKED!

OKAY, YEAH!

- YEAH!

- TURNED OUT WAY BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.

- IT HELPS THAT MY BROTHER'S REALLY DUMB.

- AND I'M REALLY SMART. - I KNOW, YOU WERE SO GOOD.

- AND YOU HAD SOME HELP. - OH, RIGHT.

TALIA, YOU WERE A GREAT HELP. - WHAT?

- EASY, I'M INJURED HERE, OKAY?

Girls: * U-G-L-Y! YOU AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI *

* YOU UGLY, YEAH, YEAH, YOU UGLY *

- WELL, I DID IT! A COMPLETE SUCCESS.

EVERYONE'S GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT ME NOW.

ABOUT HOW SCARY I WAS.

I'VE SAVED MR. DEVLIN'S CAREER,

AND NOW I CAN SLEEP THE SLEEP OF THE JUST.

- I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON! - THANK YOU, DAD.

JEEZ, YOUR HAND'S COLD.

- YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. COLD HANDS, WARM HEART.

- OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST

BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN A REFRIGERATOR.

- IT'S REALLY MORE OF AN OFFICE.

CAN I GET YOU SOME STAKE SAUCE FOR THAT?

- NICE ONE, DAD.

- GOOD NIGHT, SON. - GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

HELLO-SKI, MR. DEVLIN!

- AH, HELLO-SKI, FRED.

- SO DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU TAKE DOWN THIS SIGN, THEN?

- OH, I'M AFRAID NOT, FRED. THE SIGN IS STAYING.

IT IS I WHO AM LEAVING. - WHAT?

I MEAN, DON'T YOU HAVE YOUR JOB BACK?

DIDN'T THEY UNFIRE YOU?

- OH, OH, I DIDN'T GET FIRED, FRED, I QUIT.

I DECIDED THAT IT'S TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON.

I DON'T WANNA LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE I HAVE TO FORCE PEOPLE

TO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.

NOBODY WANTS THAT, FRED.

I HAVE THE FREEDOM TO LEAVE, AND I APPRECIATE THAT.

BUT YOU TRIED TO CORRECT YOUR MISTAKE,

AND IN MY BOOK THAT'S THE SIGN OF A TRUE FRIEND.

- I'M GOING TO MISS YOU, MR. DEVLIN.

- I'M GOING TO MISS YOU TOO, FRED.

- IT'S SAD THAT HE'S LEAVING. - YEAH, I KNOW.

REALLY BUMS ME OUT.

- MAYBE SHE'LL CHEER YOU UP. - [sighs]

- [scoffs] NAH!

I DON'T REALLY THINK THERE'S A FUTURE THERE.

- NO? - NO.

I MEAN, I NEED A WOMAN WHO'S GOING

TO CHALLENGE ME A LITTLE MORE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE UPSIDE TO THIS WHOLE THING.

- WHAT'S THAT? - THIS!

- [screams]

- MY BAD. - FIGGLEHORN!

[crying] MOMMY.

[playing Fur Elise]

*

[playing stops]

- FREDDY, I'M GOING OUT WITH JAKE

FOR A LITTLE GOOD-BYE SNACK.

- ARE YOU SAD HE'S LEAVING?

- A LITTLE, BUT IT NEVER WOULD'VE WORKED OUT.

HE'S TOO NICE.

I COULDN'T KEEP UP THE CHARADE MUCH LONGER THAT I WAS NICE, TOO.

- MOM, YOU'RE NICE. - YOU'RE SWEET.

[knocking]

- HELLO-SKI. - HELLO-SKI YOURSELF.

- YOU TWO BE CAREFUL. DON'T STAY OUT TOO LATE.

- OH, WHAT, YOU'RE AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO RUN INTO VAMPIRES?

[both laugh]

- AH! - OOH!

- [robotically] I WANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD.

- VERY FUNNY.

- I'VE BEEN WORKING ON BEING MORE HUMOROUS.

- OH, WELL, I BETTER GET MY "JACK-ET."

- OKAY.

- IT'S GETTING A LITTLE CHILL-SKI.

- MAYBE IT'LL SNOW-SKI.

- OH, YOU'RE SO FUN-SKI.

- HERE, LET ME GET THE DOOR. - OH.

[silently]

[hard rock version of Fur Elise]

*

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

[bell tolling]