Original subtitles

CAPTAIN: Now, the hare hops around the tree.

ALISON: Now, the hare hops around the tree.

And then she is startled.

-She jumps into the hole. -And then she jumps into the hole.

Uh, put smoking hole weight with spiel.

Put smoke in that... No, sorry. No, that's not... (CLICKS TONGUE) No.

-Uh, I'm just gonna do a school knot. -Not a proper knot, mate.

He's stressed. Don't be stressed.

Let's go back to the gooseberry farm.

-Oh, you went there when I left? -Mmm-hmm.

Just think of the gatehouse.

-I'm very proud of you. -Hmm.

-Okay? -Oh.

PAT: I remember my first day at the bank.

Terrible tummy ache.

Yes. My first day as CO, I must admit, I had some butterflies.

First time hunt mammoth, me be breaking it. (CHUCKLES)

-CAPTAIN: What about you, Julian? -Me? Well...

Can't say I've ever suffered from first day nerves.

-ALISON: Are you sure? -Hmm. That's how we used to do it in school.

-Oh, yes. What about school? -Harrow?

Nah, like a second home.

Well, third home. We had a second home.

Fourth, if you count the one in Provence.

University and so on.

Uh, same boys, really.

Surely the first day in Parliament.

Again, same boys, really.

So, you're saying you've never been in a situation

-where you felt out of your depth? -No.

Not that I can recall.

Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

WOMAN 1: Is everybody...

WOMAN 2: (SOBBING) Oh, God. No.

WOMAN 3: You think he's had a heart attack?

WOMAN 4: No, he isn't.

PARAMEDIC: Patient is unresponsive.

-Clear. -(AED POWERING UP)

Terminating CPR.

-(WOMAN WEEPING) -JULIAN: Huh?

(VOICE ECHOES) Lindsey?

-Lindsey? -(WEEPING)

What the hell is going on?

-They can't hear you. -(GASPS)

What? (GASPS)

Oh, no. (GASPS)

Oh, dear.

(LAUGHING) New guy!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Alison, if I may.

Since Michael is at work today,

I wondered if you might like to accompany me for a turn about the grounds.

Actually I can't because...

KITTY: Alison is spending the day with me today, Thomas.

-Dancing. She promised. -I did, actually.

I said we could make up a dance routine,

like I did with my friends at school.

-Mad. -Well, I can help you devise your piece.

Provide an outside eye. Constructive criticism.

-Thomas, I don't... -It's no trouble at all.

-No, I don't think... -Shush, now. No, no, no. Come on.

-ALISON: Ugh. -THOMAS: Okay.

Okay.

-Knock 'em dead. -Isn't he leaving?

No, He's working from home, online.

-Hmm. -Working from home?

-Hmm. -Fascinating.

You're gonna be great. Okay? (KISSES)

JULIAN: Hello.

I invented that look.

-KITTY: Come on, Alison. Let's start straight away. -Okay.

-I was thinking that we could grow the seed... -MARY: Alison? Alison?

-into a flower. -Alison?

There are women on television, talking about all sorts. Giving opinions freely.

Loose Women, Mary. Awful program.

Yeah, it's loose women's...

Me like Christine Lampard.

MARY: I do fear for them, Alison.

If the menfolk catch them so wantonly expressing theirselves...

-The loud one. -Coleen Nolan.

-Oh, she will be docked for sure. -Hmm.

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Oh.

-(SCOFFS) -It's probably just a parcel. I'll be one sec.

-Okay, -KITTY: Oh...

You want to play chess?

Ah, (EXHALES) Not today, Robin.

Then I will play with myself.

-Hi. -Hello?

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah. Um,

-so you're Alison, aren't you? -Yes.

Well, my name's Lucy.

And uh... (SPUTTERING)

Probably gonna come as a shock.

Oh, God, um...

I'm just gonna say it. I think I'm your half-sister.

WOMAN: Hi, everyone.

-ALL: Hi. -Hi.

Looking very smart, Mike.

Loving the tie.

Won't take too much of your time before you get cracking.

All the stuff we went through in the induction meeting, there are no quotas.

We're not a factory. You are not machines.

-Okay? We said that. Keep the numbers up. -MAN: Yeah.

Stick to the script

-and don't ask open questions. -MAN: Got that.

Your job is to sign them up, not to hear their life story.

Excellent briefing. She's right, Michael. Quick in and out.

Like Special Forces. Yeah, carry on.

I sometimes listen in and you can talk to me in the chat window.

But please keep it to business.

Oh.

CAPTAIN: Tongue sticking out.

-No, no, no. -WOMAN: Does anybody have any last questions?

LUCY: Just a summer thing, I guess.

I don't think it lasted long.

I don't like her. Her eyes are too far apart,

and she smells and she hit me.

She can't.

Well, she wanted to.

-She's a baddie. -LUCY: And she found out she was pregnant

and she didn't have an address for him.

-So, just got on with it, I suppose. -(GLASS CLINKING)

-Do you take sugar? -LUCY: One, please.

-Same as me. (CHUCKLES) -THOMAS: Gosh.

So alike, huh?

LUCY: But yeah, she tried the phone book.

-Are you all right, Thomas? -LUCY: If she had Facebook, it would have been different.

ALISON: Tea, one sugar.

LUCY: That's what she said.

Maybe she didn't want to find him. Who knows?

Then when I was 16, my mom told me all this.

I mean chinny reckon.

She sat me down. She said...

JULIAN: You know, I had this myself.

They show up out of the blue with some story about how

you slept with their mother at the party conference in '74

and how you should pay off the student debt.

Did that really happen?

Yeah, once or twice.

LUCY: And then I'm watching a documentary on TV,

and you come on and they show a photo of you with your parents,

and it's him.

Oh, gracious.

I just couldn't believe it.

All these years, all I've ever had was his name

-I mean, where's the evidence? -and this photo.

All right. That seems to be fair. Yeah. Same bloke.

ALISON: Is this when he was living in Cornwall?

LUCY: Yeah.

ALISON: Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I know it must be a bit of a bombshell.

KITTY: We're meant to be having fun today,

not listening to boring stories.

-Oh. -Leave me alone.

-KITTY: Alison. -No, no, it is.

KITTY: Hurry up. Huh?

Um, I could do your dance with you Kitty, if you like.

It's meant to be with Alison.

-Just until she's ready to take over. -KITTY: Fine.

But we still need the music on.

PAT: She's got a point, Alison.

Um...

Do you want to see my photos?

Oh, my God, I'd love to.

-ALISON: Follow me. -LUCY: Great.

-Whoa. -Whoa. (CHUCKLING) That was close.

WOMAN: No, the fundraiser...

They took his body away in an ambulance.

Of course, everyone's gone home.

-Heather? Heather? -I just have to hope the the press don't get hold of me.

Something very strange is happening to me.

(LAUGHS)

Don't worry. You get used to it.

You don't. (LAUGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

-Where be the women? -MAN ON TV: Several arrests have been made today.

-They've been killed out. -MAN ON TV: The suspects have

and will face trial next month.

-Trial... -If found guilty,

they could face lengthy custodial sentences.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Oh, no, a trial. A trial!

(LINE RINGING)

Here we go.

Remember your training.

Stick to the script. You'll be fine.

-MAN: Hello? -Hi, there.

My name's Mike. I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance.

-Ugh. -(LINE DISCONNECTS)

-Hello? -What?

Better luck next time. Chin up. Here we go.

-Stand by. -MAN: Hello?

Your connected. That's a go for Michael.

Hi there. My name's Mike. I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance.

-Very good. -MAN: Oh, I see. Uh, hello.

Hi. Uh, how are you today?

Open question.

MAN: Oh, I'm fine. Bit of a bad back.

-But I can't complain at my age. -Oh.

That doesn't sound very nice.

Oh, it's agony. I've got painkillers,

but I don't like to take them.

-No? -Just stick to the script, man.

Oh, give him a break. It's his first day.

Hardly breaking the Enigma code, is it?

Like you could do better.

Well, I really rather think I could.

Actually, Humphrey, I think I'd be employee of the month.

All right, then, prove it. I'll be the customer.

-What? -Come on. Go on.

Ring-ring.

-Ring-ring. -All right, um...

Hello? Mr Cheese speaking.

Right. Right. Hello... Mr Cheese?

-That's a ridiculous name. -How dare you insult my name. Who is this?

No, no, I wasn't doing the thing just then.

HUMPHREY: Wasn't doing what thing?

Come on. I'm a very busy man. I've got chickens to feed.

-(CLEARS THROAT) Hello? -HUMPHREY: Yes.

I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance.

-HUMPHREY: Hello. -And uh, I was rather wondering whether...

Sorry, it's a very bad line. I can hardly hear you.

-Hello? -Hello?

Hello?

-CAPTAIN: Hello? -Hello?

-Hello? -Hello?

-Hello? -Hello?

-Hello. -Yes, I'm calling... Hello?

This is Graham Cheese. I'm afraid I can't get

to the phone at the moment,

but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

-Hello? -HUMPHREY: Beep.

CAPTAIN: Hello? Yes. This is the Captain calling from Spirited Life Insurance.

-I was calling... -HUMPHREY: Sorry.

KITTY: Ugh. Come on. We haven't got time for this.

Photos are just in my bedside cabinet.

LUCY: Oh, my goodness. This place is huge!

-ALISON: Um, I think I'm just gonna put some music on. -Okay.

Not that one. Not that one. That one.

-Okay. -(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

LUCY: Haven't heard this in a while.

Anyway, it's this way.

THOMAS: It's strange. I really do feel as though we've met before.

Great, come on, Pat. We are seeds.

Okay. All right, seeds is it?

-Grow. -Grow.

And lean.

-(LINE DISCONNECTS) -Hello?

Okay...

(LINE RINGING)

Right, Mr Cheese.

To recap your assets, you have your house.

The circus in Bavaria.

And you have 12 sons.

Thirteen.

-What? -She's just had another one.

Little boy. We're gonna call him Cheddar.

No, I'm sorry. This is all getting very silly.

-I'm not playing anymore. -HUMPHREY: Oh, don't be...

It's a big family.

May I ask what thought you've given to their inheritance?

BOTH: Open question, Michael.

WOMAN: Wouldn't be straightforward for me.

You see, I have rather a complicated family history.

Ugh, this is gonna take a while.

I see. And have you considered making a will?

I'd have to start at the beginning.

Well, we, uh...

I was a foundling, you see.

Left in a telephone box in Dublin.

Wow.

So it wasn't until years later

that I really knew anything about my family.

-Hmm. -Blimey.

LUCY: (SIGHING) So, what was he like?

Well, I wish I could tell you, but he passed away when I was five.

Uh, of course. Sorry.

No. Um, well,

my mom always said that he was the love of her life.

He was funny, and kind.

He was a good cook.

And um, what else?

He...

-Oh, he was a terrible dancer. -(LAUGHS)

You okay?

Yeah. Sorry. Just...

(SOBBING) It's just a lot to take in.

Yeah.

-(CRYING) -ALISON: It is.

PAT: Steady. Steady.

It's a lot to take in.

It certainly was for me.

Is there such thing as ghosts?

-I'm having a bad dream. -PAT: Yeah.

I'm having a bad dream.

I can assure you, this is only too real.

You never know. You might be lucky, you get sucked off.

Hey... I mean, it can't be real.

You're all stereotypical ghosts, aren't you?

You got the old grey lady.

Look at you and you're joke shop arrow.

Bloody cheek.

Oh, and here comes the headless one, yeah.

(CLAPS) Bravo. Very original.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm such a cliche.

(GASPS)

(EXHALES)

-(GASPS) -(GROWLS)

All right, that's it. I've had enough of this.

I'm getting out of here.

Goodbye.

-He could have walked through those tables. -Hmm.

-Rookie error. -Yeah.

Wait for it.

And...

-(LAUGHS) -Will you hold on It?

-(EXCLAIMS) -(LAUGHING) Classic.

-Ah, no. -Three.

Come on, let's go.

-(GRUMBLES) -(LAUGHS)

-(GRUNTS) -ROBIN: Twenty one.

Uh...

(SCREAMS)

-(GRUNTS) -Forty two!

Oh, no.

Sixty seven and a half.

(GRUNTS)

-(GRUMBLING) -(INDISTINCT)

-No! -Yes. It doesn't make sense, does it?

(CRYING)

JULIAN: See you later, losers!

(GROANS)

One hundred!

(YELLS IN FRUSTRATION)

Oh, what is wrong with me?

Why does my heart pound? Why do I ache so?

Mary, what is your opinion?

My... My opinion?

Yes. As a woman.

-A loose woman? -if you like.

So, what ails me?

Oh, be there something new on thy plate?

Go on.

When I was three and 20, my mother did grow fennel.

Oh, how I loved it so.

I ate nothing but fennel for weeks.

Sparing the onions. (LAUGHS)

But all the while, I did have a terrible time on the stool,

but did not know why.

It was the fennel, of course.

Well, it isn't fennel. I can't eat anything.

Unless...

Lucy is my fennel.

My God, you're right. I'm hopelessly in love with fennel.

I must tell onions... Alison.

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -And we fly to the left.

And we fly to the right.

And rainbow and down.

Whoo. (CHUCKLES)

Great. I'm off to see what Alison's up to with that girl.

Well, hang on. We've only just started.

I could teach you a few moves if you like.

I was a regional dance finalist, you know.

Um...

KITTY: Oh.

Well, they say mashed potato.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Easy... That's it... Now we're cooking spuds.

Okay. Let's try this one.

Oh, that's right.

Don't forget to transfer your weight.

I got loads of moves.

Dice it and dice it.

Dice it, dice it.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Car wash.

Nice. Oh. Oh. (LAUGHS)

How about this? Oh.

-What can you see through your fingers? -Nothing.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Groovy, shimmer, shimmer.

Stop. Stop. You can breathe.

-Breathe. -(BREATHING HEAVILY)

-That's it. Yeah. -(BREATHING HEAVILY)

You be careful what you reveal to this young lady.

Don't let her be seeing where you keep your papers, passport and so on.

-Um, it's just down there on the right. -Thanks.

Before you know it, she'll be traveling the world, all expenses paid,

-paid by you. -What are you talking about?

I had tickets for a luxury cruise.

Trip of a lifetime.

First class, upper decks.

But I arrived in Southampton to find that apparently,

-there was already a Lady Button aboard. -Right.

Damn certain it was a young lady

who came to the house looking for a housekeeping vacancy,

when there wasn't one.

Used my identity to cheat her way onto the Titanic.

-Hang on. The Titanic? -Hmm.

The Titanic sank.

Aren't you glad you weren't on it?

People forget that before the iceberg,

it was a perfectly pleasant trip.

So, you did go?

No. I've seen the motion picture.

And you wouldn't catch me letting some American oik paint my breasts.

I don't see how any of this is relevant.

All I'm saying is beware.

Be very wa...

ry.

You mark my words, young lady.

-Alison, there you are. -(GASPS) Great, you too.

-Can you just... -I'm afraid what I have to say

may come as a shock to you.

And it's not your fault.

Our time together has been a paradise.

God, this is hard. I know it's harder for you,

but I cannot deny my heart has changed.

And I must leave you.

Hmm.

Metaphorically, of course. I'll still live in the house.

-Thanks. -No problem.

WOMAN ON PHONE: While I was working in the home,

I struck up a friendship with this particular lady, you see?

We just connected.

I used to talk to her when I brought lunch to her room and so on.

And one day she told me her greatest regret.

What was it?

It was that when she was a young girl,

she had a baby

-she had to give up. -(BOTH GASP)

And I still get goosebumps now remembering it.

-I knew, I just knew. -She was.

Yes, she was my mother.

-She was her mother. -That's incredible.

-I couldn't believe... -Oh... Mother.

-(LAUGHING) I know. -Extraordinary.

We're one big, happy family.

I've got seven grandchildren

and another one on the way.

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)

♪♪ Saturday night Saturday night

♪♪ Saturday night Saturday night ♪♪

Oh.

Wonderful.

-you look so much better with your legs out. -Thank you.

Again!

(EXCLAIMS) Don't you have to walk and see Alison?

-Go ahead. -Oh.

Dear Father,

Please, God, take pity on the loose women.

Their respites be so worried.

Dear Lord, please send them.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

It is done.

What's done?

The honourable thing.

It was the right thing to do, was it not?

I could not pretend I was not changed,

after all, I've not felt this way since...

Well, since Alison came into my life.

So modern, so spirited, so charming.

Was I hasty?

Perhaps I love them both. No.

Do I?

Say something about fennel or something.

Oh, fennel. Yeah, well,

-It's a root vegetable. -Yes.

Grows in soil.

You got the bulb. They got lovely long shoots

and very pretty flowers on the end.

Thrives in well drained soil.

Bit like celery. Always love celery.

Same family as fennel.

Same family.

Of course. How could I be so rash?

It is Alison.

I see in Lucy

the reflection of the same creation,

the same fair qualities.

It does not mean I have stopped loving onions.

Far from it.

Thank you, Mary.

Such insight into matters of the heart.

-Thank you again. -Yeah.

You're welcome.

He's always speaking of vegetables.

WOMAN ON TV: to tell us about her new album.

-Plus, we'll be discussing Meghan Markle's makeup... -(GASPS)

Praise be, they have been pardoned.

They've been pardoned.

WOMAN: Goodness, I've been prattling on, haven't I?

-No, no, no. Not at all. -Not at all. Not at all.

-Fascinating. -Wow.

Maybe I get that from my mother.

Who knows? (LAUGHS)

Anyway, you wanted to talk to me about insurance.

Mike?

Well, actually,

-I don't work for the company anymore. -Oh.

Yeah, I thought it might be a bit exploitative, so...

-I quit. -Oh.

-Are you sure that's wise? -For you, Mike,

-a man of principle. -MIKE: Yeah.

Well, I suppose I better go, start looking for a new job.

Well, I don't know if you'd be interested.

But I know my niece has a position she needs to fill in her company

and I think you could be just the ticket.

-She needs someone trustworthy... -Well played, Michael.

dealing with people.

-Just the ticket. -Ticket.

-Thanks so much for hearing me out. -Oh, yeah.

I know this must've come as a huge shock.

Yeah, you can say that again.

Can I give you my number?

-And that way, it's up to you if you wanna catch up. -Yeah.

Alison, there you are.

Forget everything I said earlier.

-I'm sorry if I hurt you. -(CLEARS THROAT)

I'd really like to get to know you, if you want that too.

-Yeah, yeah, -You don't have to say anything now.

You need time to think.

Thank you.

-Bye for now. -Bye, bye, bye.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Goodbye, forever, potentially.

Which would be fine, because it's you I love, and only you.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(PANTING) Has she gone?

How did it go?

KITTY: Pat?

-Oh, no. -KITTY: Pat? Where's he gone?

PAT: She is a dance machine! She can't stop!

BOTH: You're not gonna believe what just happened to me.

-What? -Try me.

I just said goodbye to someone who showed up to tell me she's my half-sister.

Yeah, yours is better.

Apparently, before he met my mum,

my dad and her mum had a thing.

Then they split up and he didn't know she was pregnant.

-What? -Yeah.

Do you find that hard to believe?

Oh, yeah, but not after the story I just heard on the phone.

Just because something's crazy, it doesn't mean it can't be true.

Yeah, I find it all rather convenient.

Wouldn't you agree, Julian?

Julian?

Julian?

Julian?

My name is Julian Fawcett,

and I'm a...

-You can do it. -(ALL MURMURING)

I'm a ghost.

-Well done. -You admit it.

Take a seat.

You'll find there is a fun side

to being cut off indefinitely from the life you lived and the people you loved.

-We were just about to play charades. -Yeah.

Not really my bag, huh?

Oh.

Anyone want to play chess?

Oh, yeah.

-Yeah. -All right.

Do you know how?

Could learn.

Right.

I suppose you got time, right?

-Well, these little ones are called pawns. -Prawns.

And... Pawn.

-Prawn. -Okay.

Julian?

What's that?

No. Well, I mean,

if I could accept that I was dead...

I mean, I could accept I can see dead people.

Doesn't seem that farfetched at all.

Looks like I've a sister.

MIKE: Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

How was your day?

-I quit. -Oh.

Then I got a better job.

-All right. You have been busy. -Hmm.

-Kitty. -PAT: Oh.

I'm free now if you want me to take over.

No, that's all right.

Pat's my dance partner now.

He taught me the mashed potato,

the chicken dance and the banana split.

That's a balanced meal. Delicious.

Come on, Pat. We've got to polish our routine.

God, no!

-KITTY: Come on. -Have mercy.

-FANNY: Huh. -CAPTAIN: Huh.

And where have you been?

Well, I've been with young Michael and Mr Cheese... I mean Humphrey.

No, I've learned a thing or two, actually.

There are times when one must go against the grain,

make one's own decisions,

-rather than simply following orders. -Hmm.

-(BELL TOLLS) -Oh, fetch the others.

It's time for my talk of the day.

Fanny is funny.

Thomas. Patrick, Mary, on me.

Still fancy that game?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

So, a...

-Prawn. -Pawn.

-JULIAN: Uh-huh. -He goes with...

JULIAN: Prawn.

You okay.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)