All language subtitles for Abbott Elementary s04e18 Audit.eng

I know, right?

Nice dress.
Where's that from?

This that new-new.

Too exclusive for you-you.
[ Chuckles ]

And that's what I get
for being nice.

Many have tried, Mel,
but my swagger

cannot be jacked...

Oh, my God, Ava!
No.

Twinsies!

Oh, wow.
[ Laughs ] I needed this.

Oh, my goodness.
Oh, this is just too good.

We have to take a picture.

What- You know, I told Gregory
when I tried this on,

I said, "Gregory," I said,
"this dress is so me."

But now I look at you,
and it's so we.

Hear me when I say,
we nothing.

Doctor Evil.
Mini Me. Good morning.

Janine: Good morning.
Alright, here we go.

Portrait mode, please.
OMG, this is so fun!

OMG, I'm inspired.

I'm gonna post it like one
of those tabloid magazines.

Oh, yeah,
like "Who wore it better?"

Exactly. Okay. Ready?

Ava:
Who wore what better?

How is that even possible?

I know, right?
[ Chuckles ]

[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

?

Hey, I meant to ask.

[ Whispering ]
Have my spellers

from Miles Nathaniel
arrived yet?

Janine, I told you I'd
let you know when they get here

if I feel like it
and I don't decide to flip them

or throw them away
to spite you.

And why
are you whispering?

The spellers are the first thing
I've asked for

from the golf course.

The ones we've been using
are ancient relics.

And I took the plunge.

I feel bad.

And dangerous.

Really excited. A little sweaty.

Good morning, pumpkin.
How are you on this fine day?

How can I help you?

I'm here to see my soror,
Principal Coleman.

Now, she's not
expecting me.

But you drop the name Crystal-
That should do it.

Go ahead and sign in
on the-

The new iPad.

[ Scoffs ]
Isn't that gorgeous?

Um, Crystal,
what are you doing here?

Perhaps you want to have
this conversation in private.

Dia can hear whatever.
She's low impact.

Well, if you insist.

You know,
at the district budget meeting,

I found it so interesting

that Abbott didn't need any of
the essentials that we needed.

Especially since
this place is usually so needy.

And you're telling me this
instead of your diary because?

I did some sniffing around,

and I know you're running
some kind of scam.

I want in.

How'd you find out
about the golf course?

[ Gasps ]
You're using the golf course?

Ugh. What is happening
with me?

Oh, I knew it.

Congratulations. You figured out
something I told you.

Let me in on this, Ava.

I already gave you
some stuff, Crystal.

I don't want your scraps.

You didn't have a problem
with that in college.

Oh.

You know what? Fine.

Yeah, it is fine.

Bye, girl.

[ Notebook clatters ]
Oops.

I know the hell you-

Jacob, sweetheart,
thank you so very much

for bringing my class in
for breakfast.

Of course, Barbara.

Hey, think of me
as your shoulder to lean-

You know, I finally
got to sleep last night.

My wrist
was just killing me,

and then my alarm
did not go off.

I mean, I plugged my phone in
to charge,

but I guess it wasn't
plugged into the wall.

And then in the middle of
the night, the phone just died.

Classic.
Mm-hmm.

Always wait for the buzz.
Yeah.

It's imperative that-
Student: Mrs. Howard. Mrs. Howard.

Yes, sweetheart.
Yes, baby.

[ Sneezes ]
Ooh!

Sorry. I had to sneeze,

and then I think
I peed, I think.

Jacob, I'm gonna need your help
for just a few more minutes.

I need to go
get some coffee

and pray that this day gets
a little bit better.

My shoulder
is your shoulder.

I would move-
Oh.

Damn, Barb.
Did you just get here?

I plugged my phone in,
and-

Cool. So listen,

the music teacher,
Mrs. Davis, is retiring,

and she has like 40 more
vacation days to burn,

so she won't be back.

And I was just thinking-
Ava, I have had

a very rough morning.

Well, I was just
painting a picture,

but okay, sure,
I'll rush.

I want to offer you the
unpaid position of music teacher

for the rest of the year.

You were the first person
I thought of

after everyone else
said no.

I already have a job
that keeps me very occupied.

Yeah, but I worked
my magic,

and now music class
is an after school program.

Well.

Look, I know
you've been busy,

but if you say no, the program's
probably gonna go away.

Understood.

I will think about it.

I thought about it.
I simply cannot do that.

I want the students
to have a music class,

but I am bogged down enough
as it is.

[ Shivers ]
Stay later. Do more.

With what? My tank is empty.

Which reminds me... Coffee.

Big mug.

The kids will love it.

Hey.

We need to talk.
It's important.

Mm. Well,
they look awfully focused.

Oh, yeah. Well,
Jacob went on a date last night

with that Elijah
from karaoke,

so they're trying
to figure out what to text him.

Yes. Okay.
That's perfect.

No notes on my end.

And you're sure sending
a to-camera poem is too much?

I-I want him to know how I feel

and that my Android
doesn't send blurry videos.

Positive.
Positive.

Just send it.

Well, I sure hope
you're right.

So, what'd you decide
to go with?

"Good morning."

Uh-huh.
[ Door opens ]

Tell them what you told me.

The district-
Got tipped off

that something shady
is going down at Abbot.

Barbara: Oh.

Keep going.

They asked-
Him if he knew anything

because he does IT here.

Don't stop now.

They're coming
to investigate tomorrow,

and we think that it was Crystal
who told them.

- Oh.
- That's a wrap on the grift.

Ooh, it was just
a matter of time.

Well, we had a nice run.

All good cons
must come to an end.

O-Okay, now wait
just a dang-on minute.

My kids are really excited

about the spellers
the golf course was getting me.

Yeah, and Janine didn't
ask for anything all year.

That type of integrity
deserves... one bribe.

Thank you. And they don't
have proof, right?

They're coming here
to find it.

So now that we know
they're coming, we can prepare.

And what do you
suggest we do?

This place is crawling
with contraband.

I don't know, maybe we can
stay after school today

and hide all the stuff
we've gotten.

And, you know, they come audit.
Nothing seems out of place.

And then we put all the stuff
back after they leave.

Brilliant.
I've heard worse plans.

Yeah, I'm down.
Oh, what the hell.

Why not. O'Shon?

Oh, uh, I was never here
and know nothing,

but if I was and I did,
I'd say, "Sounds good."

And I'd say, "Say less,"
but you already did.

Hot.

Here's the deal.

Melissa has a teamster
bringing a truck at 4:00.

We load up all the stuff
the golf course gave us.

When the district comes
tomorrow,

we look like the broke school
we are in our hearts.

The computers, scoreboard,
it's gonna take all night.

No, if everyone helps, it'll be
like three, four hours tops.

Yeah, I'm sure Barbara
and Mr. Johnson are gonna be

a huge help loading dozens
of computers into a truck.

You think I'm too old
to whoop your ass

in front of your girl?
Oh.

No, sir.

Pick up that mop.

Yes, sir.

What?
That's what I thought.

I think you can stop now-
Shh, shh, shh.

I'm good.

Manny:
Welcome to Abbott Elementary.

You are heading here
to administration,

where we will meet up
with Principal Coleman.

Oh, good morning.
How can I help you?

Guys, this is Dia.
She runs this place-

We'd like to speak
with Principal Coleman.

Now.
Please.

Of course. She's just
right in her... office. Okay.

Dia: Let me-

Ava: The district.
[ Chuckles ]

What are y'all doing
here so early?

...i-in the day?

Y'all just work so hard.

Ava, I'm sorry. Unfortunately,
we're here on serious business.

We received a credible tip
that Abbott Elementary might be

receiving a high amount
of unsanctioned donations.

[ Laughs ]

But that would be
against district rules.

I know. I'm sure it's just
a big misunderstanding.

Regardless, we'll be doing

a thorough walk-through
of the school.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Well, hate to see
your time wasted, but...

I'm so happy
that the district is here.

[ Doors opening ]

Oh, my God. They're here?

Did she just say
that the district is-

Oh [bleep]

Everybody, the district.
The district, everybody.

You guys remember the famous
Janine when she worked with us.

She's got the best nickname,

but now is probably
not the best time.

Yeah.
She would definitely know better

than to take any contraband.

[ Exaggerated scoffing ]

Contraband?
[ Chuckles ] At Abbott?

We barely have pens.

You have pens?

I had to make notes
with my eyeliner this morning.

We're going into
every classroom-

Bathroom, lunchroom-
Rec room

so we can do
a proper investigation.

Well, just let us know
how we can help.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
It'd probably be more efficient

to start on the third floor
in Morton's classroom, right?

Oh, talk about
your dire straits.

Materially, spiritually.
Romantically.

It would be great if we could
focus on the task at hand.

We're not here to judge.
Well, you haven't met him yet.

We're here to audit.
With scrutiny.

Absolutely.
Let's head there.

I'm actually excited to see
what the third floor looks like.

[ Laughter ]

Nice meeting you.
Hi!

Our secret's safe with Morton
since he's not in on it.

He hasn't gotten a thing
from the golf course.

When they knock,
he'll probably think

he's being served
divorce papers again

and flee on foot.

No car, so...

Barbara: Oh.
Janine: Okay, here's the plan.

As they work their way down,
we stay one step ahead of them.

We gather up everything
the golf course has given us

and hide whatever will fit
into Melissa's safe

or Mr. Johnson's closet.

But I have
kindergartners to watch.

Oh.
Right, okay, so you stay with them.

I'll have my class
double up with Janine's,

and we'll just rotate
hiding duty.

Yeah.
Okay. I'll man the admin computers,

but just in case, youse guys
know Morse code, right?

Jacob: Mm...
Okay, you know what?

It's never been my best subject,
but I will take the gym.

And I'll go hide the white kid.
Anyone have bronzer?

- Hey.
- Oh, my.

Yay. Fun.

You know what's better than
one class, guys? A joint class.

You're gonna have so much fun
with Mr. Eddie.

Yes, 53 kids in one class.

So fun.

Yes.
Are you and Miss Teagues married?

Please hurry.
I will.

Stop having so much fun

with all the fancy,
new equipment.

Yep, I will take that.

Student: Watch out, Mr. C!

Ah!

Sorry.

[ Grunts ]

Aah, we need to get rid
of the beanbags.

On it.
This isn't my first raid.

Okay. Excuse me.

Hi. Sorry, sorry.

Um, hi. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. You have to-

I'm sorr-
You got to get up!

Hey, Wendall, you got anything
from the golf course in here?

Oh, damn.

When'd this state-of-the-art
stove come in?

Hey, we all got needs.

And I needs the kids
to try my cacio e pepe.

Oh, wow. You know,
a lot of times

people add the Pecorino
too soon. Makes it gummy.

This is nice and creamy.
Well done.

But we gotta hide the evidence.
Mr. Johnson, get rid of that.

Don't mind if I do.
[ Chuckles ]

Ava: And here we have
our cafeteria.

Nothing fancy. We do okay.
Our kids barely eat.

Huh.
Smells good in here.

Too good, one might say.

I'll say it.
It smells too good in here.

What gives?

Nuggets.

Can we take a look back there?
Yeah.

Not with those gators on.
Crocs-only kitchen.

Health code thing.

What do you think
we're hiding back there?

A Michelin-star chef?

[ Awkward laughter ]

How about I show you
the rest of the-

Yeah, uh,
we'll circle back here.

We don't need a guided tour.
We'll just bop around.

Oh, I'm happy-
Thomas: Do our own thing.

That feels good. Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna need to take that.
It looks expensive.

You will do no such thing.
It's mine.

Barbara, the district
is gonna think

you got it
from the golf course.

Well, that is preposterous.

My aching joints and I
need this hand massager now.

And might I emphasize,
it's mine.

Do you have a receipt
for it?

They e-mailed it to me,
so no.

I'm so sorry, Barbara.
Hey. I'm sorry. Sorry.

You- You-
Julian: Mrs. Howard,

Amelia drew a poop
on my paper.

Oh.
And I have to poop.

Hey, how's it going?
Okay, I've secured the computers

on the second
and third floor.

Ava's taking the district
by the library,

so I have time to handle
this floor. We should be good.

They decided they'd lead
their own tour,

which isn't a tour,
but okay.

Okay. Oh, bad. Bad. Bad.

I notice you're wearing pants.

Funny enough,
I'm wearing a pair, too.

Small world.
Excuse me, sir.

Mr. Johnson:
Funny you should say that.

Did you know
that the phrase "excuse me"

was invented by a janitor?

It was 1953,
Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania.

Actually, it's pronounced
Beaver "Fulls"

as the sharp "A"
hadn't been popularized yet.

You know what? The origin
actually goes back way further.

You know, linguistically,
we're talking.

And that's just part
of the legend.

Think we're-
we're gonna scooch in here.

Good job distracting them,
Mr. Johnson.

Distracting who?

Come on.
Janine: We got 'em all.

Melissa: Okay,
I got like five minutes

before one of my kids
breaks something,

so what are we doing
with these bad boys?

'Cause my safe
and Mr. J's closet are full.

Yeah, 'cause maybe I'm biased,

but right outside
the principal's office

is literally the worst place.

Guys, the best option
is the basement.

The basement?

It's got suspicious activity
written all over it.

Then what are we
supposed to do?

Mm, there is one place.

Look, I'm about
to tell you something,

but you can't be mad at me
or complain,

because I'm saving the day.

I have a secret bathroom
in the basement.

- Ava!
- What?

What did I just say?

Now, come on.
We gotta move the computers.

Melissa: Right. Come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Close the door.
Close the door.

[ All sigh in relief ]
Girl.

Rick: Hey.
Janine: [ Gasps ] Hello.

What are you all doing
down here?

Oh, just, uh,
checking the rat traps.

Oh, yeah, they're empty,
but not for long.

Janine:
Yeah. Yeah. Uh, it seems like

you've been through
the whole school, though.

Well, everything does
look copacetic.

Oh, great. Looks like your job
is done here-

Although we still have
two places left, your office-

And the gym.
Be my guest.

Your hospitality's been
lights-out, though, Ava.

I mean it. Amazing.
Thank you, Manny.

[ Both chuckle ]
Yeah. Alright.

Jacob! You got everything
out of the gym, right?

Yep!
Okay, great.

Wait.
Damn it.

The scoreboard.

[ Sarcastically ]
Oh, great. Something small.

You gotta start
looking up, Jacob.

Go, go, go.
I know.

Damn it.
I know. I know.

Okay. How are we supposed
to get rid of a scoreboard?

I don't have
a Persian rug this big.

Guys, we don't have time.

The district could be here
any second.

We gotta- We gotta just
make it disappear. Barbara: Yes.

Damn it. I can't remember one
magic trick under this pressure.

Okay, so I got this. Right?
Melissa: Yes.

Oh. Oh.
And then- Ooh, tall.

Yeah, just step back.
Why don't you let a pro do it?

Okay. Barb, Jacob,
hold the ladder.

Greg, spot me.
Barbara: Got it.

Gregory: Got you.

Jacob:
Hey, Barb, while I got you,

are you really taking over
music class?

Hey, Jacob,
while I got you,

why don't you mind
your own beeswa-

Ow!
Melissa: Ohh!

Father God,
why hast thou forsaken me?!

Oh, my God, Barb.

This day could not
get any worse!

Come down safely
but quickly.

Got it. There you go.
Yes.

Okay.
Yes. Good job, Melissa.

Yay!
Okay, okay, okay.

Move the- Move-
Move it away.

Barbara, are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.
What happened?

You stepped on me.
You stepped on her.

Ava: And here we are...
I am so sorry.

...our very bare gym.

See? Ready to move on?

And why is that still up?

It's neither 2009-
Nor Christmas.

[ Clears throat ]
Allow me.

You see, back in 2009,

we were in the midst
of a subprime mortgage crisis.

But actually, you contract that
crisis back to a single fish.

No way.
You know what? We're good.

A fish?
I said we're done.

Hmm.

See ya.

Okay, but respectfully,
I told you guys. I know Abbott.

They're always on the up and up.

Sorry for the inconvenience, everyone.

We felt we had
a credible tip.

We will get out of your way now.
[ Chuckles ]

- Bye, you guys.
- Take care, now.

- Come back anytime.
- Bye-bye.

[ Door opens ]
Miles: The Abbott Supply Fairy has returned!

Coming in hot
with some fresh bribes

for my number one
scheming school.

Today's menu?
These random spellers.

Pricier than I thought, but you
can't put a price on silence.

Oh, man. More teachers.

How much do these kids
need to learn? Jesus.

Uh, we're not teachers.
We're from the district.

Oh. Well, it's hard to tell.

You guys should carry yourselves
with more confidence.

So what, you guys gonna
start blackmailing me, too?

Oh, my God.
Wait, you're saying

that Abbott Elementary has been
blackmailing you for supplies?

Which part don't you get?

Which of you
is responsible for this?

Yeah, any teacher found to be
taking bribes will be suspended.

None of the teachers
had anything to do with this.

It was all me.

Ava, you did this?

Yeah. So just go ahead
and give me my suspension,

and I'll- I'll go to Cabo.

Are you sure
it was only you?

Well...

Please.
[ Chuckles ]

Do any of them
look like they have the brains

to pull this off?

In that case, Ava,
I really hate to do this,

but we have to relieve you
of your duties.

Yeah. For how long?

For good.

You're fired.

What?
Wait, you-

You said it was just
a suspension.

That's when we thought
that a teacher was responsible.

Teachers are annoyingly
hard to fire,

thanks to your union.

However, principals?

It's a piece of cake.

Pack your things,
Miss Coleman.

This- This isn't fair, okay?
Yeah, you have to reconsider.

Ava doesn't deserve this.

She's done wonders
for this place.

And she loves our kids.
Manny: Guys, I'm sorry,

but the district has
a zero tolerance policy

when it comes to administrators.

The protocols
are very clear on this.

Of course, we'll also be
confiscating all bribes,

wherever you've hidden them.

And every red penny
we gave you

at the district
budget meeting.

Cool.
But, um, I can go, right?

Take that as a yes.

Stay golden, Dia.

Don't worry.
I'm gonna do what I always do.

I'm gonna put on
my thinking cap,

and I am going to figure out
a way to solve this.

Think, damn it.

They've already e-mailed me
a letter of termination.

It's over.

I'll allow one tear.

Just wait till
I'm not looking.

Alright, Dia.

Come on. Grab your stuff.
We out of here.

I don't work for you.

I work for the school.

You've said it before, but...

sounds like you mean it
this time.

Ava, I'm really sorry,

but I think
you have to leave your badge.

Ava. Ava.

Ava, quite honestly, I thought
this would have happened

much sooner.

I thought
that you were too selfish

to really care about
our students.

I thought that we would all be
so much better off without you.

But...

now I see
how wrong I've been.

Actually, I've been seeing it
for a long time.

Well, thank you.

And, Barb, I didn't ask you
to teach the music class

to make your job harder.

I just-
I know you've been tired, and...

sometimes
doing something you love

is the kind of thing
that can reinvigorate educators.

Yeah.

And to make my job easier,
but...

Now I'm unemployed.
[ Chuckles sadly ]

Never too late
to become a sugar baby.

Coleman out.

There are no guarantees
in this career, only challenges.

But the trick is to find a way

to deal with
those pesky challenges.

I've watched Ava step
out of her comfort zone

into true leadership,

and I'm feeling
I should follow her lead

by stepping outside of mine.

[ Instruments whistling
and banging chaotically ]

Mrs. Howard,
are you filling in?

Actually, I'm...

taking over permanently.

That's awesome.
I thought I'd never get

to have you
as a teacher again.

Oh.

[ Instruments continue
playing off-key ]

Style section, naturally.

Mm, just gonna take
the whole thing.

Yeah.

[ Mr. Johnson humming ]

[ Telephone rings in distance ]

What the hell?

Oh, yeah, the word got out.

But, you know, the hype's
gonna die down.

And once everyone
forgets about it,

that's when I swoop in
and call dibs.

That's how my sister
bagged her first husband.

No cuts, Tiny.
You after me.

No, no, no.
We agreed on spot savesiez.

He could go get a snack

as long as he got me my phone
from my classroom.

You're after me.

But you're not gonna wanna be!

- Delicious.
- And a large popcorn.

- Captions by Verbit-

Repair and Synchronization by
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