Original subtitles

that's my friend Tyler about a year ago

leaving his dead-end job as a copy boy

back in her hometown of all you might as

well call

she's Philly rizona and we called Tyler

Hyneman because of the ripe old age of

21 he so had gotten his peepee wet

outside of a spit loop and and it wasn't

as if hymen couldn't get laid either I

mean he had a hot-ass girlfriend for

years who apparently just wasn't willing

to allow entry you know what I mean

so we thought you're just you live with

your parents and have that crappy want

to be graphic artist job and you won't

have sex I know you wanted to make sure

it's special but so anyway I have a new

boyfriend you know bill from bill king

of Car Wash franchise

so [ __ ] old don't worry about picking

up my photos I gave you the wrong world

anyway behave it's come to this so

Brittany ended up ditching ty for some

rich old cheeseball

the car wash Keith

how embarrassing

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[Music]

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knees and our bleep introduced my

parents

[Music]

there was no way she'd be able to pay

for those titties walking her daddy's

frosty freeze I mean that's a shitload

of ice cream so just like I really super

hot girl I've ever known

Brittany and got herself a sugar daddy

two or three or four or five so good you

made her way around the entire senior

circuit you think old guys use

protection

one of old guys need protection

[Music]

Hongki back

yo goat has a heart attack

[Music]

one thing was for sure hymen was gonna

have to pick himself up off the ground

stop being a [ __ ] and start getting

into some [ __ ] I know because I'm his

dick I mean I'm his friend

slobber muffin it's off what's going on

man hmm hey times up what are you doing

here so early man they working on that

remodel what happened

usual got fired again showed the master

I can take my new plans she said they

were absurd am i no these plans Rock

you're absurd you stupid [ __ ]

she fired me for no reason

what's up with you ma'am let's go with

you and Brittany play you'll be out of

here tonight

yeah well we're not seeing each other

anymore

what oh I thought she was the one yeah I

did tell me bro hey Bill ladies thanks

what's up

don't fellas are you aware that every

girl in this town hates you yep but they

all love me once Tyler some more than

ones actually thanks Bill so what's

going on anything exciting happening I

got fired today

cool oh and Tyler got dumped by Brittany

who said she dumped me come on Tyler of

course she dumped you yeah you're way

too much of a [ __ ] to break up with

anybody bro you are a [ __ ] you've been

a pushing today we met you hymen you

know enoughness relations [ __ ] I need

one of you guys to check out my car what

why I went on a date last night with

whatever her name is that girl the

tattoo parlor Jenna right and everything

was going perfect so I was like hey

let's be experimental a threesome a

maybe a little four ways we're in it and

I think she roofied me man

I remember [ __ ] after I got back to the

lady a lot and now my dick is [ __ ] up

what is it the CE o chlamydia Familia

right

oh my god what do you know worse bro you

got Connor Rhea that's way worse

it's gonorrhea with Angie you know

you've gone areaa

no no bro see Asian it's a Jeep no it's

it's Connery oh the silent see like Cher

it's a soft see I know where you're

confused it's not a venereal disease

guys huh I wish it's a [ __ ] tat

attacked a tattoo you morons oh and you

tattooed your dick

no I didn't tattoo my dick you [ __ ]

you just said you I do have a tattoo on

my dick but I didn't put it there

it's that - chick did I think anyways I

need one of you guys to look at it read

it tell me what it says right here yeah

go ahead tom all right see the little

bastards gotta say there Richard nice

boxers didn't can you guys maybe do this

in the men's room or no Tyler Cody gay

bro totally gay Tyler okay Richard I see

you see but I can't make out the rest of

it Wow clean down there yeah really

close to the base Huizar there this

isn't some tweezer work and I wax that

holy [ __ ] you're a genius

we hard when you got this I think so you

got the heart again what dude it's all

crunched up like an accordion

it's gotta get correct you know jerk it

off a little bit okay no offense they're

not gonna get turned on looking at you

too

look around the bar find something

inspirational hmm Jesus dick it's not

that cold in here

yeah

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I'm gonna give it to your list - she's

been looking me in the eyes

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let's get out of here whoa whoa ladies

ladies you're gonna miss the show ladies

it's free what contaminated could

contaminate it it says contaminated holy

oh no no no that's not cool as I call it

all dude look at the bright side man

you've been a 12-letter word down there

that's impressive

is it like henna does it come off

anything oh my god no but I'm trying to

get it off you literally just beat my

meat maybe you can try the laser boys

yo ho how's it hanging what's up Jeremy

pretty shoot it down so it's new

honestly at an aspen living the [ __ ]

dream hmm do you run a cheerleader can't

[Laughter]

no that would be pretty funny I'm

actually out in Aspen huntin Cougars

rich hi horny order women dudes Aspen's

infested with them all they want to do

is bang all the time and they pay for

everything sick as long as he keeps up

time the baby gravy oh oh look you guys

gotta come check it out living with the

totally haku right now you are living

with the Cougar yeah

I'm sure you guys can crash in one of

her houses dude that'd be awesome

oh but isn't it like March isn't it the

end of the season trust me I'm going

back there tonight you guys got to come

meet me out there well

ya think I tapped out my resources in

this town so I'm game

yeah nothing holding me here Tyler

change of scenery look I can't even ski

okay I'm not just gonna pack up

everything and just leave it off you

dudes ex Brittney who is that

that's the carwash king I told you she

dumped you you know what I'm in let's go

to Aspen and so our hunting expedition

began we packed up Tyler swag in the air

with penises locked and loaded and

plenty of testicular ammunition the goal

take down as many hot-ass horned up

Cougars as possible I still can't

believe Tyler came with us on our hunt

because a kid has never been a risk

taker I mean he remains the perfect

example of you can take the boy out of

the [ __ ] you can't take the [ __ ] out

of the boy Yotam dude don't give me that

talk on my car bro I just gotta clean

take it easy would you tell him he's

sorry guys I'm just still bummed about

Brittany okay let me get this straight

it was you who wouldn't give it up well

what are you waiting for man marriage no

no not marriage just you know with the

right girl I hear about you solid thank

you Tom that being said all night okay

seriously bro videotaped it sent it to

my mom to shoulder the kind of ass I

could pull can I put some mustard on it

take her home to Durban like yeah

what's that smell

Oh taco tripping me up

oh yeah I had never come miles actually

every oh there we go that's horrible man

I got [ __ ] bad bro we got to hold it

there okay okay dick howdy I can't hold

it

get up pull the rope we're in the sky

but there's no shoulder there's a line

of cars behind us seriously

where's my Comcast happens like sixth

grade oh my god please don't [ __ ] in the

box man okay whatever I [ __ ] I got a

piss - it's like a natural reflex man

I'm sorry I can't help it oh thank you

so much okay

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[Applause]

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Oh God oh thank god so ago I got

thoughts per seconds gonna be like oh

[ __ ] oh there's the right heart I'm

gonna need a napkin did you get on the

carpet a little bit they come guard out

with water

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what's on a caffeine nicotine alcohol in

[ __ ]

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welcome to River town boys yo Tom take

that box of [ __ ] off my dashboard chill

out ty don't worry slip on a trash can

or is likely been up often can you feel

it the energy to class

keep rise up for some Cougars hold back

like there's not a back

Oh suddenly there she was it was like a

vision from heaven the most perfect

richest looking woman I had ever laid

eyes on no dick her hair was like silk

blow job lips straight from the hands of

God that is not

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hey fellas I'm tied up for the next week

or two and my cubes not comfortable

having you stay here

what yeah I knew this was gonna happen

but you can crash at her other pad

around the corner number 10 23 if you

need jobs

try the artisan it's a [ __ ]

construction site nice framework looks

like they're doing a massive remodel are

we really supposed to stay here there's

no [ __ ] wall I think this place has

potential Oh guys I'm starting to

rethink this this place is a dump

we don't have enough cash my car is a

mess thanks to you and now that Jeremy's

gone we don't even know anyone in town

so things should go back maybe I'm sorry

Tyler we can't do that would you of all

this way and sure cuz today Jeremy is

everything we thought it would be

we're flat broke like usual did you know

what we are not gonna quit we have a

chance here at a new life fresh start

I'm serious [ __ ] to top it all off but

wait maybe before we get all that we

should look into that job first the

restaurant where Jeremy sent his job

searching was absent Tricolore Cougs

were literally seeping out of the place

and as if by fate the manager fired two

excavators and a bartender like just as

soon as we got there so welcome aboard

an James Bond show meet our new Busboys

yes well it is almost dinner rush so go

on to the dressing room and here you'll

have to wear the old helps uniforms hey

real quick what are we looking at as far

as vacation time with overtime and maybe

a couple like more time in between that

time let's see if you last a day now on

with you come on we fell in close

unnoticed right into these beautiful

creatures habitat camouflage into the

environment with our newly acquired

threads the place could best be

described as everywhere kind of look at

all these pubes are did you see them

dude this place is a gold mine I told

you Cougars are hot with all the season

vag selling my attention

I nearly neglected my duties Tyler

looking at young vagina young vagina

looking at Tyler I'd act fast no

absolutely not

what Cougars only have you not heard a

word I've been saying I tried not to

Table three needs water oh yeah I got a

go but it's really nice meeting you you

never met her dork

my name is dick appropriate I know

you're renovation sounds absolutely

spectacular

thank you Charlie can I get a vodka

cranberry with a lime please

absolutely so tell me what is it with

the older ladies anyway well it's like

this I go off the younger girl and she

falls like crazy in love with me and

then she wants a relationship is you

can't stop talking about the ex that

broke her heart and then she expects

like back rubs you should like that

meanwhile she's only giving me

missionary sex instead of the crazy wild

stuff that I know you all really

good luck with that rumba Thank You

charlie Rhonda excuse me oh um I'm sorry

I didn't mean east chop or anything

um actually have you seen the new

rectangular hip skylights they're

tempered glass and at the UV blocking

glaze it's actually pretty sweet listen

I want you to know I'm really proud of

you

I mean I'm really proud of all the oh

the caribou benefit dinner well yeah I I

don't um don't want it to that well

Cathy you're the founder of the benefit

you have to go it's just uh Rogers gonna

be there Roger who's gonna be there he

already disrupted your balance once by

by fornicating with that young [ __ ] in

your old bed

we all make me homey Thanks you see

these women here did you see them like

that one sure she's a little on the

well-done side of things

but a guaranteed Hummer champion with

silicone speed bags and they pay for

their own drinks you get the picture

mm-hmm I get the picture

dick you want a picture of my dick hey

you know you want it

me my buddies came and asked and we're

kind of trying to make some money I

actually just used this to pay the rent

I'm really in the real estate flipped a

couple houses back in Arizona and well

it can be a tough market but if your

timings right you might just get lucky

I'm Kenneth napkins

are you on something I've been

practicing time job you should try it

I've been doing it for about a month

mistress and what I've learnt is the

younger the guide the better I ain't

just not gonna go out there and pick up

some young girl you just do it to get

the schmuck back

I mean really hey hey are you wonderful

good nice to see you again

you know listen I was just wondering are

you like a ski bum or something cuz I

hate Tyler was smooth like sandpaper on

his first run-in with real-life Cougars

although at least he was making them

whit meanwhile I was hitting a dry spell

do we just call that one the one that

got away but it's able to the hunk

continued in hymen here you go ma'am I'm

so sorry about that

what's the prize thank you thank you

thank you

Ricardo is it oh no no it's Tyler

actually Tyler I am feeling your vibe

you know what it's telling me it's

telling me that you and you should go to

her benefit in two weeks together what

do you think about that hmm

ty oh uh uh I'm looking Tyler

we were looking for a really cute guy to

make her soon-to-be ex-husband jealous

okay to get the picture yeah I get it

and I'm honored actually it's what okay

can we talk to your manager Jimmy

manager Cathy balance the universe I

hate you universe I hate you you hate my

universe you hate my universe what are

you doing in it what are you doing my

universe gain so much um you know what

she's gonna give you that coat back at

the benefit that okay okay perfect and

is that your friend over there the one

with the napkin

yeah he is kind of good cuz I'm gonna

need a date to how you did it I'm not

quite sure I got a hand up to your tie

- I don't even want to go to the stupid

benefit oh no Tom you're gonna bore them

to death with your real-estate ramble Oh

Emma sighs Tyler's the one who needs to

get laid

finally get my own [ __ ] ticket

Oh need to get laid yes you do ty do you

even want to get laid

yeah I just want it to be you know

special but it's starting to get pretty

pathetic ty and it's not gonna be

special when you find that perfect [ __ ]

and you bought her one thirty Seconds

you know the badge is a complicated part

of the female anatomy you gonna want to

poke that [ __ ] with perfect penetration

till she's pulsating across the floor

more that's gonna get a girl to fall in

love with you right there right so

you're gonna use a cougar as a punching

bag for practice get it yeah I get it

God okay [ __ ] this fire

and colder what the hell Tom what do you

ready put my arms no just not on me

[Music]

maybe I'm lactose intolerant or

something if you get that checked out

for the sake of our friendship tell me a

deal-breaker

yeah hon your mom showed up a little

turd bears mom is [ __ ] banging yeah

man maybe if you're lucky she'll be your

date next week throw it in her ass yeah

care package Oh pinkie you okay grab

your walkies oh sweet all right guys

keep your eyes peeled for some hot

cougars we'll follow those Cougs to the

top and we'll ride those felines to the

body yeah I want to show you guys

something we think about this oh yeah

you bring lunch for the Cougars oh oh

Cougars

now Tyler couldn't keep his eyes is on

the prizes and suddenly he was falling

in love at Second Sight with that same

little girl he got offside Pappy over at

work some guys who never learned

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[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

so we got on the best gone to a cart of

all time grown-up guys to meet hot older

women

Wow Thanks okay yeah yeah fine these ski

boots and really bro come in yet

you guys in the artisan aren't you yeah

The busboy

yeah you're cougar hunting no no I'm not

like that

there was been born here that way but

born at 40 as the hottest women had ever

seen in my life seriously though that's

not me at all all right

that's just my friend dick red leader

do you think this is pink thanks dick no

I'm not really then why do you have a

walkie-talkie you actually cooler I do

with the walkie-talkie operation okay

not in the older whatever I'm by the way

toilet well that's an amazing design on

your goggles

Thanks no way check out it's one of my

abstract design really

one-of-a-kind artist greetings ladies

get up there big boy Rhonda how the

bartender search the ladies now that

he's gone we save a little while

[Music]

so thank you are in college yeah I'm

just trying to get my work out there

nice yeah yeah it's really cool I'm

actually a graphic artist really

especially the Busboys but uh but yeah I

was working my way up at the shop in

Arizona that's awesome yeah my

ex-girlfriend really didn't think so

well it's a good thing she's your

ex-girlfriend mom yeah personally I

think artistic men are the sexiest thing

on the planet really yeah I mean I'm

partially because I'm an artist but I

think it's somewhere over oh let's see I

think they dropped over there

wow that's it's a really far drop you've

actually ski down there good one

no no I got this I mean it's not worth

dying over there no it's it's no worse

here goes nothing

[Music]

then you go okay I'll catch up with you

later okay good I'm sorry to interrupt

intruder no problem really he's being an

[ __ ] today yeah well we all got him

yeah [ __ ] here yeah hey hey nice

outfit thank you hi I'm dick uh-huh you

look yeah uh-huh so uh but that's your

dog yeah that's sugar I'm training her

to be an avalanche dog it she's got a

great nose oh so you guys are looking

for avalanches well not exactly

sugar

[Laughter]

you're bleeding really it's nothing

mission accomplished oh my god you found

them

yes Mira they're right there thank you

so much anytime do you wanna like get a

cup of cocoa or something it's like the

least I could do

yeah we're good to go back on the skis

do I know I'm still to this day shocked

with the way that Tyler demand up and

took that mountain all just to please

that girl samite Tyler was actually

starting to grow a pair so that's the

story she left me for an old rich

cheeseball oh god what am i doing

I am just meeting you talking about my

ex-girlfriend I think I'm such a tool I

think your girlfriend sounds like the

tool oh really I don't say anything I'm

waiting you're a virgin to just one guy

hey what's up hey bro you killed it on

the slopes today yeah I'm just minor

flesh wound what the hell happened to

you

oh never see that show where animals

attack no trust me they do they

definitely do but dude you should have

seen him today he completely blew it

with three the hottest cougars I've ever

seen Tyler he who should've seen it was

me okay what about you snarl er

there she is

what who me Hoover a cougar man I saw

her with Thomas [ __ ] in her car Oh

[Music]

okay where to go uh yeah so um I need to

work tonight and talking to the car and

we'll have one car so let's go Hyman I

can't give you a ride if you want

really no you're very pretty

come on I need to go home and get ready

anyways for what I have a date tonight

some guy I met today on the gondola

you really awesome

[Music]

Tyler ended up spending the next two

weeks with that girl penny doing all

kinds of gay [ __ ] that I told them for

years would only end up costing him his

heart I mean seriously look at how gay

all this [ __ ] is [ __ ] Sound of Music

spin around

pillow fight [ __ ] Tyler was like a

[ __ ] walking cliche God just make me

want to rip his own dick off show up in

his ass Oh

anyway well Tyler was making an

embarrassment of the male gender Tom and

I stayed on task doing all we can do to

seal the deal with the plethora of

Cougars and Aspen

[Music]

so one wish what would it be I guess I

wish I was willing to take walks a

little wild side

take risks and all that okay what about

you well I don't know you can tell me I

guess I wish my

I don't know

let's get out of here

we even give this out by the end of the

two weeks Tyler I'd fallen totally in

love he felt he had finally met that

special person and so as the Sun rose in

Penny's house and in Penny's bed Tyler

finally got his Peter into some canto

and I think he liked it a little too

much see you're a cougar huh oh I could

be your prey jump on me

take me home really beat me up whitey

tighties

keeps everything Oh scary man have you

seen dick no but where have you been

Penelope's again hey bruh where have you

been all day

I got my balls waxed and makes me look

enormous huh hey get dressed bro it's

the biggest night of our lives

crews are gonna be here in like two

seconds I can't go what hymen you know

what about this for two weeks bro do not

bail on me I just don't want to go oh my

god take Tom he's dressed yeah go check

it yeah no no no I'm sorry you're gonna

bore them to death before you even get

to the car

I'm fine fine I'll go on my own then

we'll see you close it soon oh I can't

drop a deuce you don't tell me it's that

young chick yeah it is actually I told

you don't mess with the young girls dude

just come to the benefit if you're not

gonna do it for yourself do it for me I

really want this wasn't anything I've

ever wanted in my entire life

fine I'll go I love you oh hey I got a

little uh do me a favor and pass us on

these cards for me pass them on to

Cougars over 35 and under 50 uh okay

under 60 what's the difference right oh

my god oh yeah how do I look so we got

to the caribou benefit prom thing or

whatever with the Cougs in tow

Tyler's date was wasted on arrival she

been drinking her sorrows away all day

over some sort of marital miss up a

little divorce my kid on the other hand

was out of her [ __ ] mind

ramming on about some kind of

alternative hunting method called Tantra

this is the kind of guy who's really

gonna get him I think what exactly is it

Tom meanwhile had arrived and was

starting a cougar hunt all of his own

okay sweet hot girls at the bar I just

think what's a cheater always a cheater

people do make mistakes when you take

two bodies and the energy and you put it

together and it just feels really good

we don't want it we don't want a face

hi hi I'm tom

so you'd pass on tantric sex with the

woman like that for some young chick who

won't yet look I'm not like you okay

well I am so this is kind of fun little

place you guys might get out of here

maybe in party huh

the girls and I need to just go powder

our noses oh of course

yeah would you be a dear and get us some

apple martini

appletinis approvers we'll be right back

get ready for the night mm-hmm okay so

would that be three hangers are worn

again I don't know well say it there is

a boy so just give us three

no it's 10 extra bucks what the hell man

you're right there chief no I'm not okay

hey did you you see Oh sweetheart

hooters I had they were here and I'm

like I ordered I was like four martinis

yeah they're gone you see they ditched

me oh I know they ditched you [ __ ] oh I

love it

it looks amazing just our table there we

go mrs. Kathy Hamilton Andrew catered

Roger Hamilton

do you know Rogers gonna beat our table

hello Kathy Roger this is um um this is

my wonderful date this is Tyler

are these our seats this is Skylar she's

my assistant oh my god

Cathy please I hope you can type faster

than the last one it is really nice that

you hired yourself and escorted Raj it

really oh great Linda's here beautiful

you know I'm sorry I've got to go I had

to show him the auction backstage but

save my seats and save a lap dance for

me would you sweetie don't pay attention

there Skyler we're just gonna go for a

second get cozy Cathy's not what you

think at all Cathy I love you you know

save it off for the judge I don't want a

divorce

don't do this it was nice meeting you

you too it's Roger

hey Roger my favorite my favorite

attorney hey I know I'm gonna need your

help with something

you know that Woody Creek fired they

thought it was Jewish lightning the cops

think my son Amos was involved arch

windows are so out of style Rhoda yeah

at the Swaney arch it's completely

contemporary Ben you say black I see

white I hate to intrude on you double O

but she's absolutely right hey rude me

Ruth Sweeney arches won the innovative

architect award this year and brass

pictures those always bump up the value

of a property oh I'm done here's Ben

what's done in your a plan [ __ ] all

right ladies and gentlemen coming to you

live from altitude let's get this party

started a little teaser from last night

[Music]

okay you're cheap I can feel your Chi oh

[Music]

wait wait wait wait wait you keep

feeling my honey

[Music]

I think yeah well I guess Tyler's

inebriated ku couldn't handle the

pressure being around her husband so she

split

Tyler predictably did the nice guy thing

and offered to drive that drunk ass

[ __ ] home and me well I had no choice

but to leave

holy Coxon yes it was her hey there's

the grand Empress of all Aspen Cougars

had been waiting for you waiting for me

not some other guy was really cool hair

me I approached cautiously I see

Richards my name is dick Richards dick I

like that

Oh

[Music]

you are such good listener thank you why

don't you come in and we'll have just a

little tiny nightcap no no it's okay

yeah I just want to make sure you got

home safe

oh you can't get home I'll make sure no

I can walk you know maybe please come in

for just a teeny moment okay thank you

you ever hear that you should always

trust your first instinct yeah this was

one of those times so where are we going

it's beautiful does it matter no not

really

I'm going to my estate but first take

off your pants right here right now did

I stutter

what is it um contaminate it says

contaminated

[Music]

Oh

[Music]

[Music]

Wow look at this modern and sweety

architecture high art ceilings and brass

fictions

maybe all dude with with gold shades and

a take top it's [ __ ] I wanted was to

get Roger back

all this here's a commitment and

dedication Kath

come on your Roger still loves you you

know I know it he said it at the benefit

and he's got that look in his eye that's

a bunch of hope once your last starts

sagging they just trade in the old

trophy for a new one and better come on

Kat listen all my friends want or hot

older women like you hot why are you

looking at me like that he give me a

pretty intense look what are you doing

Kevin

Kelly Kelly I'm I'm not promiscuous

what that's it about no it should be on

[Music]

who ate this is this is this isn't right

cut please I said this is it right you

you are hot you're hot as [ __ ] it's just

me she's no cat look look you still love

Roger okay and he still loves you and

and I love Penelope yeah my daughter

pippy's your daughter but she's my

girlfriend

forget we got you daddy

[Music]

[Music]

lovey Hey

hi lovey how does the benefit you're

gonna talk dad all right yes they

certainly did you get anywhere I believe

so

yeah well what did you guys say just to

learn great stuff

just a minute what's this hmm he's mine

you're wearing men's clothes it's the

thing somebody here there's no one here

this is great you're drunk and there's

somebody in the house

I thought you want to get back together

a dad or I do I certainly certainly do

great role model where is he where's

Hannah backer [ __ ] this is great barony

[Music]

bathroom is me there's no one here

dick Richards massage and more you've

got to be kidding me

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

oh no you shouldn't believe this shot

leave me alone penny please penny please

just just listen to me please yeah I'm

sorry

so Tyler was all alone again you had to

feel sorry for the guy he waited his

whole life for that special someone that

special moment and just like that

penny was gone

[Music]

job not funny man ah seriously man

looking good

[ __ ] oh I'm sorry man oh yeah you're

freezing

Tom yeah buddy what are you doing I'm

comforting you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

good thing Tyler had Tom to lean on

because my shoulder was simply

unavailable we pulled up on Ursula's

mansion stator whatever the [ __ ] it is

and holy [ __ ] on a stick

it was like a whole town's where the

house is all wrapped into one yes

indeedy

I had hit the mother lode of all

jackpots I just couldn't bear being

under the thumb of my husband for one

more moment so possessive that is

horrible

precisely why I left him is that how you

came into all this money

oh no I own the color white white isn't

that shade

exactly

and that is what brought me the stature

that I have today

planes homes travel well and a healthy

sexual appetite

do you like what you see deke I think

you look gorgeous

good

it's not this cokes never really been

good for my performance oh it's not

cocaine I'm going to rock your world so

he must have sex like three or four

times but the best part is is that she's

into the exact same [ __ ] I meant you

I mean we just spent like three hours

talking about real estate houses and

why'd you leave cuz Tyler come cuz why

tom guys I'm a bad like dick like you're

not a player all right [ __ ] it come on

man are you calling penny

[ __ ] okay dude what's wrong man I

screwed everything up tonight all right

in two weeks I'm more in love with penny

than I could have ever been with

Brittany here anyone else she was the

one Tom she's gone maybe you lost some

points by he got with her mom no [ __ ]

wow man you really loved this girl huh

yeah really good Wow what you want some

advice stop acting like dick stop trying

to be a player if you find someone you

really like don't sneak off at the crack

of dawn

where is [ __ ] that was the most

amazing experience of my life I haven't

felt that way in a long long time thank

you well I've never felt that way I mean

I was livid dating is there a connection

here

oh it's undeniable darling from the

moment I first laid eyes on you I knew I

had to have you spayed this relationship

is going to last a long long time

all right then darling I'm gonna get

some sleep why don't you do the same you

remembers up the stairs number eight on

the left with my room my room up the

stairs but I thought we could you know

sleep together maybe we should cuddle oh

come now

Dickie really I've had enough already

it's very late I'm exhausted

and I do better sleeping although I

cannot say that what he gives him

sleeping will pick up where we left off

tomorrow

nobody I'll miss you Tyler holy [ __ ] I

am at the hummers Piper dgx she likes my

Tatsu yeah that's great dick oh and you

know what you know what they say on the

commercials if you have an erection for

more than four hours you should contact

a physician what do you think they say

that I don't know dick alright and

frankly I don't give a [ __ ] who Penelope

my girlfriend that drunken lunatic thee

you made me go out with last night it's

her mom her mom yes dude Kathy's Penny's

mom okay and she said listen you can't

blame it on me man

okay you should be happy that actually

hooks you up a song that wants to seduce

you it's not about that all right

I love penny okay maybe we should take a

break from each other

a break what what are you breaking up

with me we are in different playing

fields you slap and tickle with some

young prude but it is more than that man

it's a connection it's a level of

understanding that brings you to

unconscionable orgasmic plateaus

like what so don't you tell me about

love grow some balls and go get her

until then lose my number

dick dick [ __ ] after I ditched Tyler

to start my life anew with my precious

sugar cube he decided to do something

very until-- arest he took his balls in

his hand through his pride to the wind I

went right to Penny's place to try and

cool things off even though he knew he'd

most likely get burned can we please

talk I have nothing to say to you Tyler

penny please look okay what you saw the

other night wasn't really happening I

mean you know I should've just gone my

first instinct you're a scumbag

just like dick hey talk to my mom

[ __ ]

no I didn't thanks for fast-tracking my

parents divorce penny

[Music]

hey penny please just let me explain

penny I woke the next morning and was

eager to start the first day of the rest

of my life good until I saw that we're

doing the hallway but anyway I was happy

my hard-on I disappeared it lasts for

seven hours and that makes it hard to

sleep no thanks mimosa

the [ __ ] mimosa things were starting

to get weird around here I defined my

girlfriend and fast I'm good do you guys

know where Ursula is

[Music]

how's it hanging all right

have you seen Ursula Oh something was

wrong it was like I woke up from the

amazing wet dream and fell right into

the twilight zone Ursula was nowhere in

sight but there were like a ton of guys

at every turn It was as if I was in a

parallel universe

had I died I mistakenly ended up in gay

man heaven you guys seen Ursula Jeremy

how's it hangin bro what was Jeremy

doing in game man it's good to see you

you too bro what are you what are you

doing here dude this is my coos you

joined the party it's about time and you

found your friend Jeremy oh that feels

so good

can you guys give us some privacy please

go

good afternoon

you you want your on tell me what's

going on here who are all these guys oh

just some help us cook golf coach yoga

instructor pilot bongo teacher no

there's so many out there a little

something there on that corner mouth oh

wait what what what is that oh nothing

yes it's just a little a pre morning

wait wait

are you sleeping with all these guys oh

no no I thought we had something special

I absolutely I just adore them too you

understand no no I know I don't

understand actually because I'm not a

monogamy type guy but there's like 30

other dudes here and they have cold

sores and they look the same

Nicky I don't have time for your antics

Jeremy

jeromy's yeah yeah she'll deke to the

rumpus room in 15 minutes man wait

what's wrong

I didn't want to have to do this to you

Dickie I really didn't but you're a lack

of understanding has put us in this

place yes you rather live like the

meager peasant that you are what amongst

friends in a 14 million dollar mansion

at the base of the mountain for 40 40

months did you have that appraised oh

I'm sorry you're not hollered how could

you not be hard for me not hard for me

it's not that I don't like you no

worries I know a little acupuncture

technique derive from Tibet yes

hey there little guys oh they're hanging

you'll be hard for 72 hours but uh I'm

just coming down off that viagra it's

not a good idea please don't leave me

don't be scared we're not here to hurt

you

we're here to help help with what you

suffer from poor performance erectile

dysfunction premature ejaculation absent

sensation I don't have a performance

problem hello my name is Nick you think

that's a real name no my real name's a

manual bro okay Dix my nickname not a

reason for that Ursula is a hot piece of

ass man I am concerned don't be

it's just that I'm stuck in a dungeon

stuck to some weird Oh get off pal

nothing hostile trust me dude just close

your eyes dink

ah hell

[Music]

[Music]

I got away from those testicle torturing

midgets by the skin of my scrotum but

the whole thing gave me a new sort of

outlook on life while Ursula was a crazy

monster slave driver

she showed me if for only one instant

what love was praise God I thought that

she was the one but then there were like

30 guys and golden shackles in the S&M

room and here come the midgets and they

had herpes all of them they acupuncture

my ballsack and now I have a 72-hour

hard-on okay we'll try falling in love

with some guy who rips your heart out by

sleeping with your mother okay I never

sleep with a guy that's good

were you really falling in love with

Tyler until that cougar hunting loser

[ __ ] my mom Tyler is not a cougar

hunter you didn't sleep with mom I can

guarantee that I mean I'm the one who

made it be my wingman last night this is

anyone's fault it's mine whatever it's

over now anyways what do you mean we're

meeting with the judgment hour to find

length of the board okay penny just wait

a second leave me alone and keep your

freak brand away from my family

Hey let her go hey crazy bus driver lady

I need you to drive me somewhere this

not on the normal route

you do it I'm leaving all right there's

nothing left for me here didn't done

sorry listen you're not you're not gonna

go anywhere I am sorry for being an ass

earlier I mean I'm really sorry

because I finally understand what you're

talking about I understand what it's

like to love someone and then to lose

them the hell are you wearing

okay let's just say the Ursula is one

fucked-up diva but that's not important

now what's important is you love penny

and she loves you man and I'm really

sitting front row help me screw it all

up which is why they're getting divorced

today if you want a chance set things

straight and come to the courthouse with

me right now or we stop Penny's parents

sign the divorce papers they don't want

to talk to me all right trust me okay we

know what they talk to you okay if you

love her make them talk to you let's go

to it

[Music]

wait we're here to stop a divorce didn't

go in there dressed like that I'm not

opening the doors for the likes of you

listen you giant Chuck Norris I have had

one hell of a day okay all I know is I

need to make this right

well I scratch your back you scratch

mine

oh nice me hymen let's go whoo all we

need are the signatures and we can

finalize this ladies first

[Music]

I mean did you really think things you

can get better by spreading your legs

for some busboy

and reputation your reputation what

about me what about my feelings

penny penny right there you twice oh

[ __ ] dude just all

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

the papers we didn't get out of here I'm

sorry everybody hell are you doing here

I have to say something all right I

tried to do this before

I'm shaking you out talk I'm watching

you

look okay I know how important this

family is to Penelope and Penelope's

important to me

and I know you all think Kathy and I had

sex but we didn't I made the biggest

mistake but help we all make mistakes

okay and even though I didn't mean to I

did I just came down here to set things

straight and to say that penny I know

you hate me I love you

[Music]

I gave up me and you can arrest me now I

just take you out but despite our

efforts and our humiliation

Tyler walked away away from his true

love not because he wanted to but

because he had to so we all went back to

Arizona again where Tyler resumed his

dead-end job job in our dead-end town

good [ __ ] but at least he still had

his friends over Cougars there's one of

yous young guys like us man

I'm over it you know what you haircut

new tattoo new Nick good for you man

all right um I don't know what this

[ __ ] kind of flopping around in your

pants you know like slippery what Tyler

thank god you're here buddy

whoa uh it's just the UH mr. Coulter

Hey did you finish the design is that it

[Music]

okay okay let's see the picture Oh Tyler

oh my gosh like roofer it's a double

entendre you'd get it no [ __ ] it man

it's lights like this let me show you my

[ __ ] or [ __ ] which one of you little

pervs is getting their dick inked god no

you did not just piss on my [ __ ] fine

oh right like someone else did that and

you're gonna clean that up okay weird

this finish aside I think you should you

should rethink this whole thing because

you know you're a little scary to do

[ __ ] work she made it

you made it hi what are you doing here

they called me told me everything

[Music]

I thought you hated me I tried to I

really did but I can't and I know

nothing happened to me when my mom and

she was just on another drunken rampage

and I just can't have you not in my life

anymore and I miss you so much and

you're such a great guy so Tyler ended

up with the girl after all even I would

be ended up moving back to Aspen and so

far they have lived happily ever after

can you believe that it just goes to

show that love true love is worth

waiting for

it's worth fighting for and looking

forward to Tom also found himself a new

lifestyle and has been in and out of

jail for multiple counts of public

urination

alright working for him i waxed him

thank you I on the other hand got my

[ __ ] a doodle and believe it or not

Francis handled the job as delicately as

a happy ending geisha girl he was also

totally open to all of my creative input

can you add my talents to my thighs all

that said I hope that's the last night

on my [ __ ] and balls ever seen

I'm gonna do some freaky [ __ ]

[Music]

I wanna do the illest [ __ ] I could - I'm

gonna come to you

girl I vote accurate

oh boy do the crazy [ __ ] to you on the

floor at the best

[Music]

keeps

[Music]

Oh No

about a couple would you please place a

believe it so daddy's face see to be

[Music]

you down girl I've only keeper to your

sister - she's been looking feet FBI

[Music]

good support again with you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

-

[Music]

[Applause]

very

[Music]

sad

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

you