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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,176 {\an2}With five months to go before handing in our dissertations, 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:07,400 {\an2}Corinne forced us to go where you and me had barely been before - 3 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:09,120 {\an2}the Brent Uni library. 4 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,160 {\an2}I left my charger at home, I've got to go back. 5 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,480 {\an2}No, no, you're not getting out of it that easy, my friend. 6 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:17,880 {\an2}You've got your topic now, it's time to research. 7 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,120 {\an2}All right. Let's just hope I've got enough batty on my lappy. 8 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:22,240 {\an2}Batty on my lappy? 9 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,680 {\an2}Yes, batty on my lappy, so I don't need my charger. 10 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,560 {\an2}Batty on my lappy. 11 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:29,400 {\an2}It smells like BO and old books. 12 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,320 {\an2}And cum. 13 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,200 {\an2}Yeah, it does smell like cum. 14 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,080 {\an2}Yeah, there's one of those trees outside that smell like cum. 15 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:42,120 {\an2}Right, firstly, don't embarrass me. 16 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,400 {\an2}I'm pretty well respected in these parts 17 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:45,736 {\an2}and this is quite a sanctuary for me. 18 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,160 {\an2}All right, Hermione. 19 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,760 {\an2}Secondly... the tribes of the libes. 20 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,720 {\an2}Over there, we have the super-hot nerds. 21 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,240 {\an2}No, they won't fancy you, 22 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:56,016 {\an2}They're attracted to Mensa levels of intellect 23 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,400 {\an2}and Kardashian levels of thigh gap. 24 00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:58,776 {\an2}Even I'm not good enough for them. 25 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,816 {\an2}Then there's the masturbators, always caught jacking off. 26 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,280 {\an2}Yeah, I've seen this lot before, dirty bastards. 27 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,720 {\an2}And there's the LARP society, planning their meet-ups. 28 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,840 {\an2}Ah, that sounds like a LARP, what's LARP? 29 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,720 {\an2}Live-action roleplay! And finally, 30 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,640 {\an2}we have the bisexual girls with boyfriends 31 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,840 {\an2}who meet up to discuss women's lit. Hi, girls. 32 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,000 {\an2}All girls are bisexual nowadays. 33 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:17,400 {\an2}It's great. 34 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:26,200 {\an2}David's dead. 35 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,520 {\an2}No, he's not! 36 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,320 {\an1}SHE WAILS 37 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,560 {\an2}This is not research. Sh! David's dead. 38 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,960 {\an2}David who? Precisely! 39 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,120 {\an2}We think it's Angie's ex-husband David, 40 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:39,800 {\an2}but the housemates think it's David Gest, 41 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,080 {\an2}who's just asleep in bed, 42 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:44,000 {\an2}and the David who is dead is an entirely different David altogether. 43 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,920 {\an2}No, it is just Angie's ex-husband, David Bowie, who is dead. 44 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,600 {\an2}Oh, my God, David Bowie is dead? Yes, keep up. 45 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,280 {\an2}I'm so confused. 46 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,280 {\an2}Which Dave is actually dead? 47 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,720 {\an2}So that January through till May of final year, 48 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:05,960 {\an2}we did the one thing we hadn't really done so far at uni. 49 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,280 {\an2}We worked. 50 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,760 {\an2}♪ Spring, sun, winter, dread 51 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,560 {\an2}♪ I don't want to get older 52 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:17,240 {\an2}♪ No way, no way 53 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,680 {\an2}♪ Spring, sun, winter, dread 54 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,360 {\an2}♪ I don't want to get older... ♪ 55 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,560 {\an2}Ugh! 56 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,240 {\an2}Fuck off! 57 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:33,800 {\an2}♪ Give me batty on my lappy, keep me working 58 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,680 {\an2}♪ Give me batty on my lappy, I pray. 59 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,200 {\an8}♪ Give me batty on my lappy, keep me happy 60 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,480 {\an8}♪ Keep me happy in the library... ♪ 61 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:57,720 {\an1}PHONE BEEPS 62 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,440 {\an2}Fuck! Fuck, Danny, sh! 63 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:05,560 {\an2}It's Mark, I can't... Wait, when will you be back? 64 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,160 {\an2}Hello? Danny boy, 65 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,920 {\an2}your favourite criminal has been released. 66 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,640 {\an2}Deirdre Rachid? 67 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,800 {\an2}They've let me out early for being a good boy. 68 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,720 {\an2}Didn't even have to finger none of the screws or nothing. 69 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,480 {\an2}You're joking! I bet Big Dave on G Wing was gutted. Yeah! 70 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,760 {\an2}Where are you now? I'm down in Margate, mate. 71 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,360 {\an2}Listen, I've got a little proposition for you. 72 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,696 {\an2}If you're asking me to sell drugs along the promenade with you, 73 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,600 {\an2}it's a big no. No! 74 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:30,800 {\an2}I'm on the straight and narrow now, Dan, proper, all right? 75 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,560 {\an2}I'm looking at a nice little two-bed flat by the sea, 76 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,176 {\an2}and so I was thinking, in a couple of months, 77 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,640 {\an2}when you're done with uni and that, you can come and live with me, Dan, 78 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,600 {\an2}make our teenage dream come true, son. 79 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,120 {\an2}Mate, I don't know. 80 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,400 {\an2}Oh, Come on, look, I can help you look after Nan, 81 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,800 {\an2}and we can sort of figure out what... 82 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,000 {\an2}what we want to do with that and, erm... 83 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:56,320 {\an2}..and, yeah, mate, be the fucking... Del Boy and Rodders of Thanet again. 84 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,520 {\an2}Yeah, but, mate, I've sort of built my life round here now. 85 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,040 {\an2}Yeah, but London's a bit expensive, innit? 86 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,440 {\an2}And it's not home home, is it, Dan? 87 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,360 {\an2}Like, we're Kent bods, mate, all right? 88 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,800 {\an2}You can take us out of Kent, but you can't take Kent the out of us, Dan. 89 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,120 {\an2}Yeah, sadly. 90 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,640 {\an2}Look, I'm sorry Mark, but... this is where I'm really happy. 91 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:15,960 {\an2}Yeah, mate? 92 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:21,880 {\an2}All right, mate, well... yeah, no, it's just an idea, innit? 93 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,520 {\an2}I just think... It's all right, mate, it's all right, I'll, erm... 94 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,520 {\an2}I'll be all right, Dan, I'm... good as gold mate, erm... 95 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,600 {\an2}Yeah, listen, I've just got to go mate. 96 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,800 {\an2}One sec, someone's just ringing me. Love you, mate. 97 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:41,480 {\an2}♪ I love to look... ♪ 98 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,840 {\an2}You'd waited four years for him to come out, 99 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,560 {\an2}and then when he did, 100 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,240 {\an2}you felt you'd put the distance right back. 101 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:53,200 {\an2}And soon enough, Mark just stopped replying to any of your messages. 102 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,120 {\an1}HE SIGHS 103 00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,440 {\an2}Erm.. 104 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,240 {\an2}Not to pester but, erm... 105 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:04,760 {\an2}..the sex? 106 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,800 {\an2}We can't. Yes, we can. 107 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,360 {\an2}No, come on, leave it. OK. 108 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,560 {\an2}Well, maybe tonight? Cos it's been a while since we... 109 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,320 {\an2}I know. Yeah. Yeah, later. 110 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,480 {\an2}OK. 111 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,360 {\an2}♪ A dozen men 112 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:27,120 {\an2}♪ 30 days with 24 hours in each 113 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,760 {\an2}♪ Of shattered boyhood dreams... ♪ 114 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,720 {\an2}♪ Happy birthday to you 115 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,400 {\an2}♪ Happy birthday to... ♪ Shh! 116 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,120 {\an2}Oh, poo! 117 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:43,640 {\an2}I forgot you can't be loud in the library. 118 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,040 {\an2}Thanks, guys. Just quickly before I forget, 119 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,800 {\an2}you all have to stop singing Batty On My Lappy. 120 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,520 {\an2}Because someone has complained about it. 121 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,760 {\an2}ALARM RINGS Oh, my God! Is there a fire? 122 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,080 {\an2}It's cos I can't hear! Is it the fire alarm? Yes! 123 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,200 {\an2}I can't hear it, I can't hear it! 124 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,480 {\an2}I don't if there's a drill, I'll find out! 125 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,800 {\an2}Who's in ch... I'm in charge, I'm in cha...! 126 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,240 {\an2}So... Thank you. 127 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,400 {\an2}Happy Mother's Day, Mum! 128 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,000 {\an2}Nan! 129 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,160 {\an2}Oh! 130 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,200 {\an2}And Shan! 131 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,360 {\an2}Mwah! Dark chocolate always helps me go. 132 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,680 {\an2}It's a bit better than that Mother's Day present a couple years ago. 133 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,920 {\an2}What? We don't talk about that, Shannon. 134 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,200 {\an2}Oh, my God! So the first Mother's Day after Laurie dies, 135 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:40,240 {\an2}Jack takes us to be in the live studio audience of Dancing On Ice. 136 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,240 {\an2}Nice! It's a total palaver. 137 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,360 {\an2}We arrived late, no-one could sit together, Nan leaves. 138 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,040 {\an2}I find Torvill and Dean have a very, very dark energy. 139 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,720 {\an2}And Pegs is sat next to this woman, aren't you? 140 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,320 {\an2}Who she sort of recognises... 141 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,600 {\an2}I just couldn't put my finger on it. 142 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,120 {\an2}No, but when the camera came round, right, 143 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,800 {\an2}the whole audience claps for this woman, 144 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,840 {\an2}and then we suddenly realised she was the mother 145 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,040 {\an2}of a recently drowned child! 146 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,400 {\an1}SHE LAUGHS 147 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:13,800 {\an2}Oh, my God! It was so funny! 148 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,760 {\an2}Oh, I'm sorry but come... on. 149 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,400 {\an2}It was funny. 150 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,000 {\an2}I actually heard from my mum today. 151 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,840 {\an2}Same. 152 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,680 {\an2}She's over from Oz in May. 153 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,360 {\an2}Yeah, so we're going to have a really big first birthday 154 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,160 {\an2}for Lauren-Sienna on the 14th of May. 155 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,840 {\an2}It's Eurovision - only thing we have in common. 156 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,640 {\an2}So if you can please co-ordinate your sweepstake, 157 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,480 {\an2}invite your mates, yeah. 158 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,200 {\an2}Shan, don't keep your hopes up, 159 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:46,360 {\an2}because Eileen might postpone, like she has done the last six times. 160 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:49,080 {\an2}No, she won't. 161 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,200 {\an2}She won't. 162 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,520 {\an2}I know what she's like... 163 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,320 {\an2}..but she's not going to let me down. 164 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,920 {\an2}♪ Daniel 165 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:04,920 {\an2}♪ When I first saw you 166 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,320 {\an2}♪ I knew that you had 167 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,840 {\an2}♪ A flame in your heart... ♪ 168 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,160 {\an2}Can I help? 169 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,080 {\an2}No. 170 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,320 {\an2}No, sorry. 171 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:19,880 {\an2}It's OK. 172 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,600 {\an2}♪ I found a home in your eyes 173 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:27,040 {\an2}♪ We'd never be apart... ♪ 174 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,480 {\an2}Like, I just keep telling myself 175 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,720 {\an2}that when he's on good form, he's the best boyfriend, 176 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,720 {\an2}but... when he's not, I just lose him. 177 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,080 {\an2}You're doing all you can. 178 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,600 {\an2}I'm going to give it a year. 179 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,520 {\an2}Stay in London. 180 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,680 {\an2}I'm just going to look for a paid internship or... 181 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,480 {\an2}..a job to get me by. 182 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,920 {\an2}OK. 183 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,440 {\an2}I will withdraw your masters application. 184 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:01,320 {\an2}But I will say your dissertation reads boring 185 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,640 {\an2}so interview some real women, please. 186 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:06,640 {\an2}♪ And when the fires came... ♪ 187 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,280 {\an2}So whilst you and Corinne continued to drift, 188 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,680 {\an2}I was busy shagging half of campus. 189 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,840 {\an2}Cos when you're doing your dissertation on anal, 190 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,280 {\an2}it requires a very practical set of research. 191 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,680 {\an2}Let's do roleplay. 192 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,600 {\an2}Live-action roleplay... 193 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,240 {\an2}You're fast at that. 194 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,200 {\an2}Why are you wearing that?! 195 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,640 {\an2}I'm cheering on England tonight. 196 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:41,960 {\an2}We're in Eurovision as United Kingdom. 197 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,840 {\an2}They're Welsh. 198 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,880 {\an2}I just love that our act's called Joe and Jake, you know? So chill. 199 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,936 {\an2}I mean the song's a bit shit, all the songs are shite. 200 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,960 {\an2}Danny, Eurovision's my culture. 201 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,280 {\an2}I learnt about footballers for you. 202 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,280 {\an2}I know who Hector... Bellerin is. 203 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,720 {\an2}Hector Bellerin, I didn't even tell you about him anyway, 204 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,960 {\an2}I don't even support Arsenal, you just fancy him. 205 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,480 {\an2}Well, I know that he's... 206 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:06,920 {\an2}..right wing? 207 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,680 {\an2}Right-back, Jack. 208 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,920 {\an2}Or wing-back. I don't know about his politics. 209 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:20,720 {\an2}If Mum doesn't show up, I'm going to stop sending baby pics on FaceyB. 210 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,760 {\an2}Hey, remember what they said to you on the This Morning phone-in. 211 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,280 {\an2}GEORDIE ACCENT: "Don't use your baby as a weapon"! 212 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,720 {\an2}Well, I'll weaponise my baby whenever I like, thank you, Denise. 213 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,520 {\an2}Russell's doing well, isn't he? 214 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,600 {\an2}Is it awkward with him and Auntie Peggy? 215 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,280 {\an2}Yeah, they're just friends. 216 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,880 {\an2}They just get a bit lonely sometimes and want some company. 217 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,800 {\an2}But I did say to her, I was like, "Pegs, if you want to do a U-turn, 218 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,280 {\an2}"then we've got loads of lube and johnnies that she can use, 219 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,960 {\an2}"cos we don't need them any more." Could we maybe... 220 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,200 {\an2}Do you want to keep the lube? Yeah. Fine, I'll tell her. 221 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,960 {\an1}DOORBELL 222 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,960 {\an2}Do I look all right? 223 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,400 {\an2}Fit MILF! 224 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,560 {\an2}Thank you. 225 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,280 {\an2}Hi, Mum! Yeah, hiya. 226 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:09,760 {\an2}Take that. 227 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,720 {\an2}Oh, thanks. What's that, then? 228 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,360 {\an2}It's my Shloer. 229 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,000 {\an2}Shloer? Yeah, Shloer, it's all I drink. 230 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,760 {\an2}Oh, right, I don't think I've ever tried Shloer. 231 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,520 {\an2}All right, well, you can have a sip of my Shloer if you like. 232 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,800 {\an2}Thanks. 233 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:26,240 {\an2}OK, come on, I can't be standing out here like a Lib Dem. 234 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,840 {\an2}Sorry, yeah, come in, yeah. You look really good. 235 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,520 {\an2}Yeah, I know. 236 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,480 {\an2}There's a sugar free one in there. You could try that. 237 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,080 {\an2}Nice to see you, Mum. 238 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,440 {\an2}Will you give it a rest? 239 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,800 {\an2}You can't be dissertationing at a party, it's rude. 240 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,240 {\an2}Is it? 241 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,800 {\an2}Look, I've 3,000 words left and the deadline's days away, so. 242 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,400 {\an2}Well, I re-started my dissertation last month, 243 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:59,120 {\an2}so I've got 20,000 words left and I'm still having a day off. 244 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:02,120 {\an2}What? You restarted?! Danny, why didn't you tell me? 245 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,160 {\an2}Cos you're not my mum. 246 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,960 {\an1}PHONE BUZZES 247 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:19,520 {\an2}Shan, yeah, I mean, don't take this personally or anything, 248 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:21,376 {\an2}cos when all's said and done at the end of the day, 249 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,560 {\an2}I'm just telling it how it is cos that is just me all over. Yeah. 250 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,040 {\an2}But he's really handsome. 251 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,680 {\an2}Yeah, he's lovely. Yeah. 252 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:32,800 {\an2}He's lovely. 253 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:35,680 {\an2}Yeah, he's lovely. 254 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,680 {\an2}Do you ever think about that? Yeah, sometimes. What do you mean? 255 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:42,280 {\an2}Nothing, just... you know, it's... 256 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,480 {\an2}Yeah, no, I know, he's fit. 257 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:45,880 {\an2}Stoic. 258 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,360 {\an2}A lot like the bloke. 259 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,920 {\an2}How are you doing Jack? With your degree? 260 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,520 {\an2}Ooh-hoo-hoo! 261 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,440 {\an2}I could've gone to uni, I'm clever enough, 262 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,280 {\an2}but just my family was disgustingly poor, so. 263 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,000 {\an2}Thankfully, I'm now just about to buy a six-bedroom townhouse 264 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,040 {\an2}with a swimming pool shaped like a mermaid's tail. 265 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,040 {\an2}But in Australia, so. 266 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,720 {\an2}So thanks for agreeing to talk to me 267 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,640 {\an2}about what makes a successful woman. 268 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,280 {\an2}So, just for the record, could you please state your name? 269 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,160 {\an2}Oh, er... 270 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,440 {\an2}Nan. 271 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,560 {\an2}No, like your full name. 272 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,960 {\an2}Oh, Nanny Bingo. 273 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,920 {\an2}No, like your proper name? 274 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,000 {\an2}Oh, er, Shannon. 275 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,480 {\an2}Your name is Shannon? Shannon. 276 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,480 {\an2}Interviewing successful women, are we? 277 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:44,240 {\an2}Because I have actually been consistently voted 278 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,080 {\an2}one of the best Weight Watchers group leaders 279 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,360 {\an2}in the whole of south-west Australia so... 280 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,440 {\an2}Oh, no babe, no, I think Weight Watchers is a cult 281 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:56,000 {\an2}forcing people to boil down their nutrition into numerical mind-games 282 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,960 {\an2}whilst creating a long-term profit strategy 283 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,240 {\an2}feeding off of women's self-hatred, so, no. 284 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,320 {\an2}Well, I mostly have men in my groups anyway, 285 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,280 {\an2}cos I find them a bit less whingy. 286 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:11,360 {\an2}Why don't you interview my successful daughter? 287 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,520 {\an2}Apparently she's a party planner. 288 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,280 {\an2}Fuck's sake! 289 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:18,760 {\an2}Excuse me. Oh. 290 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:42,080 {\an2}Your mum's lovely, but she keeps calling me Stoic. 291 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,440 {\an2}My name's Tariq. 292 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,400 {\an2}♪ But it's not quite right 293 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,360 {\an2}♪ And this real 294 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:02,120 {\an2}♪ It's impossible if possible at whose blind word 295 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,600 {\an2}♪ So clear but so unheard... ♪ 296 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:13,520 {\an2}TV: ..Switch off for the TV viewers, we're going to cut in live, 297 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,080 {\an2}and we're going to have like a dance party in here! 298 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:19,960 {\an2}Yeah, we're gonna have a dance party in here! 299 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,720 {\an2}Hey. 300 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,320 {\an2}Do you want a drink? No, thank you. 301 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,000 {\an2}How many have you had? 302 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,520 {\an2}Oh, don't. 303 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,680 {\an2}Er... 304 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:46,000 {\an2}Is there anything here that isn't like cheap ultra-processed meat? 305 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,680 {\an2}I'm not eating anything that once had a face 306 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,080 {\an2}but has been reconstituted into another face. 307 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,400 {\an2}All right. 308 00:15:55,440 --> 00:16:03,400 {\an2}Careful, Shannon - leave some for everyone else! 309 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,200 {\an2}Shan. 310 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,080 {\an2}Yeah? 311 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,200 {\an2}Can I say something, 312 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,600 {\an2}and you promise you'll forgive me whatever I say? 313 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,760 {\an2}Yeah. 314 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:23,680 {\an2}Eileen has always been and continues to be 315 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:27,240 {\an2}a small-minded, ignorant, spiteful little prick. 316 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,400 {\an2}She left you at 11. 317 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,160 {\an2}She's weak. 318 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,440 {\an2}But you, Shan... 319 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,640 {\an2}..you're brave and funny and gorgeous, 320 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,560 {\an2}and despite how hard you've found it having a baby, 321 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,760 {\an2}you're having another. 322 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,360 {\an2}Cos you're making a beautiful family for yourself. 323 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,040 {\an2}And she will always be a stupid fucking cow. 324 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,360 {\an2}In Australia. 325 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,200 {\an2}Yeah. 326 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:08,400 {\an2}Peggy... 327 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,040 {\an2}I think of you like my mum. 328 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,120 {\an2}You're like my mum, really. 329 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:20,680 {\an2}And like even with everything you've been through with Uncle Laurie, 330 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,200 {\an2}and like... 331 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,920 {\an2}..getting your Facebook hacked loads by those Russian bots, 332 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,440 {\an2}it's just like... 333 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,080 {\an2}..you've always been there for me. 334 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,960 {\an2}So I just... I really love you, OK? 335 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,160 {\an2}Yep. Yeah. 336 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,440 {\an2}TV: ..To Sweden! 337 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,640 {\an2}Ah, sorry, Russell. 338 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,720 {\an2}Well, they sounded like the foxes who shag behind my bins. 339 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:52,880 {\an1}LAUGHTER 340 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,080 {\an2}It's all political anyway. 341 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:58,080 {\an2}We're not getting fuck all votes from no-one. They hate us, the EU. 342 00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,840 {\an2}This Brexit vote next month, 343 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,360 {\an2}I wish I was staying longer to vote us out. 344 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:06,440 {\an2}Ah, I suppose you're all Team Remain in this gaff. 345 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,000 {\an2}I'm not. What? What? 346 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,840 {\an2}Well, I'm thinking about it. 347 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,040 {\an2}All right? I'm from Thanet in Kent. 348 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,880 {\an2}No-one gives a shit about our lot whether we're in the EU or not. 349 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,680 {\an2}We're just a fucking gateway. 350 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,960 {\an2}Thanet's not the reason to leave the whole of the EU, Danny. 351 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,800 {\an2}Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? 352 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,600 {\an2}You got it cushty, you're sort of ex-working class, anyway. 353 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,080 {\an2}Nice gaff. I mean, you write sodding poems! 354 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:34,400 {\an2}OK, come on, this is Eurovision, it's supposed to be about... 355 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,200 {\an2}..peace and unity. PHONE BUZZES 356 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,400 {\an2}And sequins. 357 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,200 {\an2}Can you come upstairs with me, please? 358 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,000 {\an2}I don't want to. 359 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,440 {\an2}Please. I said I don't want to. 360 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,840 {\an2}Take my hand and come upstairs with me, Danny. 361 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,800 {\an2}Come on. 362 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,680 {\an2}Why are you ignoring these calls, pal? 363 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,080 {\an2}I don't know, Corinne. 364 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,120 {\an2}I don't want to know. 365 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,240 {\an2}OK. 366 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,280 {\an2}You're going to down this water. 367 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,680 {\an2}Danny, look at me. 368 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,120 {\an2}You're going to down this water, 369 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,240 {\an2}and I'm going to call them. 370 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,480 {\an2}OK? 371 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:32,840 {\an2}OK. 372 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,680 {\an2}No. Give it here, I'll do it. 373 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:41,720 {\an2}Are you...? Yeah. 374 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:53,400 {\an2}Where have you two been? Having a laugh! Oh, joking. 375 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,120 {\an2}In the kitchen, just having a biscuit. 376 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,936 {\an2}Well, we're only watching this crap cos of you. 377 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,280 {\an2}Maybe if you weren't here, I'd be sat in here watching it. 378 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,200 {\an2}Oh, here we go. 379 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,960 {\an2}Do you know what, Eileen, you are so spiteful when you've had a drink. 380 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,720 {\an2}I'm on Shloer. 381 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,320 {\an2}I don't know what Shloer is! 382 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,680 {\an2}I don't know what it is! Does that make me a bad person? 383 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,280 {\an2}Does that make me an idiot, does it? 384 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,760 {\an2}Does it mean you should constantly neg me 385 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,800 {\an2}when you haven't seen me in years?! 386 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,320 {\an2}All right, don't Shloer your words! Stop! 387 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,280 {\an2}Right, so... 388 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,800 {\an2}..it's either Ukraine or Australia. 389 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,160 {\an1}PHONE BUZZES 390 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,800 {\an2}So it's Tariq or.. Eileen who could win. 391 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,680 {\an2}Wouldn't it be funny if Australia wins the Eurovision? Hmm! 392 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,680 {\an2}Just booked a job, Pegs. Yeah. See you in a bit, yeah? 393 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,120 {\an2}I've got to go and see Nan now. OK. 394 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:56,520 {\an2}Um... I don't want anyone knowing, all right? 395 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,256 {\an2}I'm just going to go, like slip out and get the train to Margate, yeah? 396 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,720 {\an2}Yeah, no, that's fine. Let's get our stuff, yeah? 397 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,120 {\an2}TV: Eurovision Song Contest 2016! 398 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,560 {\an2}THEY CHEER Congrats, Tariq! 399 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,920 {\an2}Here's your winnings. 400 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,400 {\an2}No, you're all right. Give them all to Eileen. 401 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,160 {\an2}What? 402 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,960 {\an2}I'd like you to leave my daughter's birthday, please. 403 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,560 {\an2}I've booked Russell's mini-cab to take you away. 404 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,400 {\an2}And I'd like you to apologise to Shannon. 405 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:34,880 {\an2}See, all night you've just been... 406 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,320 {\an2}..chipping away, and I'm not having it. 407 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,800 {\an2}I'm not having anyone upset my fiancee. 408 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:42,920 {\an2}What? 409 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,640 {\an2}Sugar, I was supposed to do that bit first. 410 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:49,840 {\an2}Er... 411 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,240 {\an2}Just one second. 412 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,480 {\an2}Er, yeah. 413 00:21:58,200 --> 00:21:59,520 {\an2}Shan... 414 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,280 {\an2}..will you m...? No. 415 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:03,800 {\an2}Oh. 416 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,720 {\an2}No, no, as in... no, don't do the knee thing, 417 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,160 {\an2}cos you being smaller than me gives me the ick. 418 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,880 {\an2}Stand up straight, baby, stand up straight. 419 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:14,800 {\an2}Shan... 420 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,160 {\an2}..will you marry...? Oh! 421 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,360 {\an2}Yeah! 422 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,120 {\an2}Yeah? Yeah! Yeah! 423 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,160 {\an2}Put it on my finger. 424 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,000 {\an2}Oh, my God, I love it! 425 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,800 {\an2}Sorry, pardon me, everyone. 426 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:37,600 {\an2}I've just got to, erm... give Lauren the good news. 427 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,080 {\an2}I love you. I love you too. 428 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,120 {\an2}Oh, my God, Peggy! 429 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:45,400 {\an2}Let's have a look! Oh...! 430 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,480 {\an2}Look... 431 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,080 {\an2}No, I think just, erm... 432 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,920 {\an2}I'm just going to go. 433 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,920 {\an2}What? You can't go on your own. I'm sorry. 434 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,840 {\an2}I love you so much, 435 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,880 {\an2}so much, but I can't... 436 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,680 {\an2}..I can't do this with us together. 437 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,160 {\an2}Come on, I know you're stru... I can't have you be a part of this. 438 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,560 {\an2}Not when I've been treating you like this, all right? 439 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,120 {\an2}You don't deserve that. 440 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,480 {\an2}But you're struggling and I'm here. I'm sorry. 441 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,480 {\an2}Please just go inside, please. 442 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,200 {\an2}Are y... 443 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,120 {\an2}Are you breaking up with me? 444 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:45,360 {\an2}I'm sorry. 445 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,400 {\an1}MUSIC: I'm Shy by Self Esteem 446 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:21,120 {\an1}EXCITED VOICES 447 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,800 {\an2}♪ Take mine 448 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,640 {\an2}♪ Did everything you wanted, did it all 449 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:37,120 {\an2}♪ And I'm fine leaving it friendly without ever knowing all 450 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,720 {\an2}♪ But I had decided 451 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,080 {\an2}♪ I was sure you over all of them 452 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:46,680 {\an2}♪ You over all, I had decided 453 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,480 {\an2}♪ I was sure you over all of them 454 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:50,720 {\an2}♪ You over all 455 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,200 {\an2}♪ And every single time I got something to say... ♪ 456 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,920 {\an2}Subtitles by Red Bee Media 41200

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