Original subtitles

- Oh, slow dance, come on. - No!

- Yes. - I'm not dancing to Lionel Richie.

Why not?

Because... it's, like, it's a man rule.

Boring rule!

May I have the honor?

- There you go. - Oh, yes! Thank you, Ray.

♪ To the end of our rainbow ♪

♪ There's something I must ♪

♪ Say out loud ♪

♪ You're once ♪

♪ Twice ♪

♪ Three times a lady ♪

♪ And I love you ♪

It's looking like, touch wood...

...um... that me and Jill are going to get back together.

So, I think it was just a wobble.

It's such a weight off my mind. I feel so...

I just feel so happy.

Good for you!

Thanks.

Er...

- Are you OK? - No, I'm not OK, actually.

I'm fed up.

Sick of this shit.

Hearing people whinging all day long, it rubs off on me, brings me down.

Sometimes I just wanna say,

"Shut the fuck up, you whiny bitch."

I'm gonna knock it on the head soon.

Do a podcast with Ratty and the Nonce, people'd pay for that.

It's better than this fucking bollocks.

Um, what will the podcast be about?

Advice for men.

- Right. - How to fucking grow a pair.

Pushing back against all this namby-pamby shit.

Let me tell you something, Matt.

Alpha males...

save nations.

Fact.

Yeah...

What would we do now if Hitler decided to invade us?

Give him a little kiss and cuddle?

Stroke his hair?

- No, I don't... - No.

Bend him over...

and fuck him up his little Nazi arse,

rape him up the shitbox till he fucking vomits,

cut off his bollocks and shove them in his fucking Nazi mouth,

and send him back to sausage land.

Great. Um... thanks for all your help.

Um... have you got any therapist friends you could talk to?

About what?

About... wanting to rape Hitler.

Anybody who doesn't want to rape Hitler is a fucking bender.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Um...

Um...

I'll see you, uh, around, then.

Bye.

Are you, um...

are you gonna mention my accident in the review?

Um...

- He means him shitting himself on stage. - Mm.

I... I guessed that's what he meant, Brian.

'Cause, please...

don't.

'Cause I'm... I'm already a laughing stock.

- You're not a laughing stock. - I am, I'm a laughing stock.

I won't mention it. I'll say, "A good time was had by all."

OK.

Are you gonna say that I died on my arse, or...?

'Cause I did. Classic. Your bottle goes, you don't know where you're going,

don't know what you're doing, all over the place. I was in a haze.

I think I got a little bit of stage fright.

I forgot a lot of my best jokes.

- What jokes did you forget? - Ooh! Er...

What do you get if you cross my ex-wife with Buzz Aldrin?

You get an astronaut who fucks gypsies.

- You like that one? - Yeah, that was... good.

Um... I'm just going to keep writing.

Um...

- You all right? - Dad died last night.

Oh, mate.

Let everyone know. Tell them not to talk to me about it, 'cause...

sympathy makes me worse.

Yeah. Um... Is there anything I can do? Do you need any help with the funeral?

I don't think there's... much to be done, to be honest.

He only had me.

No will,

'cause he had fuck-all.

No one to argue with. That's why... funerals are usually a nightmare.

Ten members of the family coming up with shit ideas.

"It's what he would've wanted."

Yeah, it doesn't matter what he wants, does it? He's dead.

You mean it's what you want, so you can get involved

and take a bit of credit. Well, none of that. I'm in charge.

I pick a day convenient for me.

I might not even turn up. I've paid.

He's dead.

Nice eulogy.

He was my dad.

I'll have a drink on him.

He was a lovely man, your dad.

And you're right, he didn't have much, but he was always happy.

He had Mum.

That was... That was the secret.

I didn't understand it growing up.

We had no money, and yet he was always so positive.

I didn't understand it till I met Lisa, but...

...it is everything.

Being in love, I mean.

You just don't need anything else.

You realize that even more when they're not around.

- No hugging. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Of course.

I'll send a memo: "No hugging."

All right.

- I'm gonna go to the nursing home. - Yeah.

What did you think of the show, mate?

Yeah. Yeah, it was brilliant.

Really funny.

You were great, too, James. Well done.

OK, everyone, listen up. Um...

Tony's dad died last night,

but he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone.

He just wants to... get on with it.

He doesn't cope with sympathy too well.

Uh... So, no hugging...

or anything. Um...

OK.

Yeah, as you were. Carry on.

That's all his personal stuff.

His... clothes we normally take to the charity shop.

Yeah, sure.

Um...

Guess I won't be... popping in 'ere every day.

Well, no. Right.

- No, I mean... - I know.

I'd like to... see you.

But, uh... I know we've got a lot on and...

um... I know you're in a hurry for summat to happen,

- but... - I'm not in a hurry!

No, I mean... you know.

Anyway, you've got Simon now.

I haven't got Simon.

I just... I've got a bit of company, that's all.

Haven't I?

- You know how I feel about you. - I know.

- But you're not interested. - I am,

but I don't know why we can't just carry on like this,

you know? We see each other all the time. It's great.

We like each other. Why do you have to call it summat?

Let's just carry on, you know, and nothing changes.

Groundhog Day.

Maybe I don't want Groundhog Day.

I know.

OK.

Thank you. Um...

- See you later. - Mm-hmm.

Only me!

Hello, mate.

- All right? - All right?

Yeah.

- Sorry to hear about your dad. - Cheers.

What are these?

Sleeping pills.

Why?

To help me sleep.

Really?

Yeah, I just...

Why are they down here?

So I don't have to get up to kill myself.

Tony, seriously...

What? There... Look, there was a time, but, you know...

I mean, you could take 'em away, but if I really wanted to do summat,

there's knives in the kitchen,

I could fucking hang myself in a wardrobe with a belt.

- Why you still thinking like that? - I'm not, particularly.

Not all the time.

Have you just come round to nag me?

No, I've come...

I've come round to see if you're OK.

How's it going with the postman?

Please tell me you're OK.

I'm OK.

How's it going with the postman?

Yeah, I mean... he's a funny man.

Nice description.

I'm just worried, you know, my past is going to catch up with me

and he's not gonna be able to cope with it.

Don't worry about your past. Worry about your future.

I'm more worried about your future.

You remind me of Lisa sometimes.

Everyone else had to be OK before she could be OK.

At night, in bed,

she'd say,

"Good night."

And sometimes, I wouldn't answer her, to wind her up.

And she'd go, "Say it! You gotta say it, or I can't sleep."

And I'd go, "Why? It's stupid." She'd go, "Say it!"

And I had to say it last as well.

And, uh, eventually, I'd go...

"Oh, good night."

Then she could sleep.

Do you want a tea?

Uh... No, I'm fine, thanks.

Bloody hell, who died?

Tony's dad died, um, last night.

Oh, no.

- Oh, no. - No, but don't, um...

Oh, I'm so sorry about your dad. Oh!

She didn't get the memo.

Cheers, Kath.

He had a good innings, as they say.

Er... Carry on, everyone.

A job's come in,

but I can cover it on my own, you don't need to worry.

I'm fine.

Look, everyone, I'm fine.

I lost him a couple of years ago, to be honest, so...

got me used to the idea.

Um...

It's not like Lisa, it's the natural order of things.

Um...

I'll still miss him, obviously,

more than if it had been sudden, in a way. Um...

Once he got ill, I saw him every day.

Before he was ill, I saw him about once a month.

Life goes on. So...

back to normal.

Yeah.

You look sad.

Good work.

- What's the story? - Um...

"Fifty-year-old man identifies as eight-year-old schoolgirl."

Now we're talking!

Er...

And, Tracy,

what do you... make of all this?

- Well, it's bloody ridiculous. - It's not.

It is, it's embarrassing. It's a load of bollocks.

I'm trans, deal with it.

You're not trans, you're having a breakdown.

Transphobic.

- It's not transphobic, you're not trans. - I am trans.

I haven't got a problem with trans people. Real trans people.

I couldn't give a shit what gender people want to be, or become,

or what they want to be called, how they want to dress,

or if they keep the knob or fanny they were born with,

I couldn't give a shit.

But you are not trans, you're having a fucking breakdown.

- I identify... as an eight-year-old girl. - Well, you're not an eight-year-old girl.

You are what you identify as.

He pulls this sort of shit all the time.

He saw a documentary once about ME, had that for a year.

That was a nightmare! You're tired all the time. I couldn't work.

It was bullshit.

There is a lot of misunderstanding and cynicism about the disease.

Yeah, and you didn't fucking have it, you moron.

Silly twat thought he caught Down syndrome last year.

I was seven!

Oh, fuck me!

You're a 50-year-old plumber from Sheffield.

Your name's Dennis, for fuck's sake.

- It's Denise. - I am not calling you Denise.

Again, transphobic, you see. If you loved me, you'd deal with it.

Well, I do love you. But I married Dennis Charlton.

And if that's no longer your name, then I'm not married to you.

Right. Once and for all...

I identify as an eight-year-old girl called Denise.

Therefore, I am an eight-year-old girl.

Well, tell that to your cock and bollocks, you silly cunt.

Everyone knows what's in your knickers, and if you're an eight-year-old girl,

you've been shoplifting from the local fucking butchers.

- What's going on? - Ay-up, love.

It's the local paper. They're going to do a bit on us.

Dad!

Do you want to play dollies later?

Take a picture.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Is that going to be in the paper?

Er... Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, I want to kill myself!

No, you don't. We don't have to mention you.

He's still your dad.

How can he be my dad if he's an eight-year-old girl now?

We both know he's not an eight-year-old girl.

He's... your dad,

and you'll miss him when he's not around.

- My dad died yesterday. - Really?

Yeah. I miss him.

And I'm old.

- You love him, don't you? - Yeah.

Course you do, he's your dad.

You might have to remind him of that now and again, but...

one day, you'll both laugh about this.

- When? - Dunno.

When he's 12?

I'll see you later.

Poor kid.

Wife weren't that happy.

I know, he's having a breakdown, in't he?

- You think? - What do you mean?

Well, you don't believe he's just trans?

I dunno. As I say, I'm old.

- He could be trans and having a breakdown. - Yeah. Anything's possible these days.

- Do you still get transvestites? - What do you mean?

Well... now, people are transgender, ain't they, or gender fluid?

So, a bloke can say, "I identify as a bloke or a woman,"

and that's their gender, whatever they say it is.

- Right. - Well, years ago,

you used to have transsexuals,

where you'd have an operation to become a proper bird.

And you had transvestites,

you know, blokes that liked to dress up as a bird now and again.

You don't really see them ones anymore.

But they were like that fella.

They didn't do all of the, "I identify as a real woman," or anything.

Then you had, like, young people being a bit androgynous,

wearing makeup for fashion, and they'd grow out of it an' that.

- What's your point? - Well, it's all got a bit serious.

No one just dresses up as a bird for a laugh anymore.

Good. It was never that funny.

Uh... my dad died.

Uh...

Oh, Tony.

- I'm so sorry. - Cheers.

- I'm glad you got to see so much of him. - Mm.

Such a good son.

Oh... don't.

I love the fact... you said something nice about me 'cause you know

- the guilt will be kicking in about now. - No, no. No, no.

You're a good boy.

Hi.

Um... Roxy's not here.

Oh, I... Postcard.

"Sorry about your dad. Pat."

- Cheers. - Oh, mate.

No, it's not... my dad dying. It's kindness I have a problem with.

Towards me, I mean.

I don't think I deserve it.

And... sorry about all the times I was an arsehole to you,

I was just lashing out.

Arsehole?

I thought it was banter.

At least you didn't ignore me. Most people do.

You even sent me a postcard once.

And set me up with a prossie.

Sex worker.

Wife, maybe.

They're the best.

Cheers.

♪ There are times that walk from you ♪

♪ Like some passing afternoon ♪

♪ Summer warmed the open window ♪

♪ Of her honeymoon ♪

♪ And she chose a yard to burn ♪

♪ But the ground remembers her ♪

♪ Wooden spoons Her children stir her ♪

♪ Bougainvillea blooms ♪

♪ There are things that drift away ♪

♪ Like our endless numbered days ♪

♪ Autumn blew the quilt right off ♪

♪ The perfect bed she made ♪

- ♪ And she's chosen to believe ♪ - Good girl.

♪ In the hymns her mother sings ♪

♪ Sometimes, with the windows closed ♪

♪ She'll sit and think of me ♪

♪ But she'll mend his tattered clothes ♪

♪ And they'll kiss as if they know ♪

♪ Baby sleeps in all our bones ♪

♪ So scared to be alone ♪

We meet here today to honor and pay tribute

to the life of Ray Johnson,

and to express our love and admiration for him.

Also to try to bring some comfort

to those of his family and friends who are here and grieving.

Today is also a day for memories.

I didn't know Ray well,

but someone who did is his beloved son Tony,

who would like to share some personal thoughts with you. Tony.

Dad was born in 1939.

Uh... He used to say...

he was such an ugly baby that Hitler declared war.

He was such an easygoing man.

You could say he had no big ambition, he worked hard,

enjoyed a drink,

fell in love, got married, had a kid,

did all the things he had to do to provide

and live an average life, I guess.

When Mum died...

...who he loved more than anything,

I'd never seen...

such a lovely pair.

I think that's where I got that beautiful dream from,

that you could bump into the perfect soulmate

on this planet of seven or eight billion people.

Anyway,

when Mum died, he was broken.

Uh... But he even did that alone.

He was old school.

Just because you're unhappy

doesn't mean you have to make everyone else miserable.

The opposite to my approach.

He coped.

Until he couldn't anymore. Uh...

And that's where... Emma came in.

Thank you for looking after him.

He, uh... He loved you.

I can see why.

Thank you. Cheers. Thanks for coming.

Thanks. Cheers. Thank you. Cheers.

Bye-bye. Thanks.

Yeah. Good, yeah. Cheers. Thanks for coming.

Thank you. Cheers. See you soon.

Bye-bye. See you later. Cheers, man. Thanks for coming, Kath.

So...?

Well... I see you every day.

It's lovely. I get a lovely feeling.

Why can't it just carry on like that and then we die?

Yeah. Groundhog Day.

It might not always be like that. I'm... better than I was.

Maybe one day I won't feel...

like I'm being unfaithful to my wife, but...

I just can't... I can't promise...

You know... I love this, but...

it can't be any more.

You know?

Hm.

Well, I'm sorry again... about your dad.

Hello.

- You OK? - Yeah.

Um...

You...

Thanks for everything.

- Anyone sitting here? - No.

Just needed to sit down for a bit.

Can't walk for too long now.

Everything is starting to ache.

Ah... I won't be long.

Sit as long as you like.

That your husband?

Yes.

I lost my wife a little while back.

I'm still not over it.

I mean, there's nothing special about that, I know.

I bet you feel the same.

Yes.

"In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life.

It goes on."

Robert Frost.

- Yes! - Wonderful.

Yes.

Life goes on.

It's not as good...

...but there you go.

♪ Heard you in the distance ♪

♪ A storm on the scope ♪

♪ Almighty thunder coming for me I hoped ♪

♪ Rolled over the horizon ♪

♪ Swept up it all ♪

♪ Batten the hatches And teardrops and branches ♪

♪ But I hear the silence now ♪

♪ Right in my core ♪

♪ I never heard silence ♪

♪ Like this before ♪

♪ Yeah, I hear the silence now ♪

♪ From wall to wall ♪

♪ Never heard silence ♪

♪ Like this before ♪

♪ Plane flies so high ♪

♪ Can't be seen or heard ♪

♪ Looking down on the hills ♪

♪ Looking down on all the birds ♪

Good night, gorgeous.

Say it back.

You gotta say it back, or I won't sleep.

Good night.

You said it?

Yeah.

Good. Now I can sleep.

♪ But I hear the silence now ♪

♪ From wall to wall ♪

♪ Never heard silence ♪

♪ Like this before ♪

Hi.

I'll take Groundhog Day.

♪ The only thing that keeps me From driving this car ♪

♪ Half-light, jack knife Into the canyon at night ♪

♪ Signs and wonders ♪

♪ Perseus aligned with the skull ♪

♪ Slain Medusa ♪

♪ Pegasus alight from us all ♪

♪ Do I care if I survive this? ♪

♪ Bury the dead where they're found ♪

♪ In a veil of great surprises ♪

♪ I wonder did you love me at all? ♪