All language subtitles for 1_family.guy.s23e04.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab[EZTVx.to]_English

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

[Lois humming]

Wow, someone seems happy today.

Damn right.
Today's the big day.

You're getting off parole?

Does this mean I can finally
stop giving you my pee?

Not yet, so stay off drugs
and keep that hose flowing.

[Chris groans]

Tonight is girls' night.

Women's night.
You're all in your 40s.

We're going to an
"I love the '90s" concert.

I cannot wait to mumble
the rap lyrics

I'm not supposed to say.

Hey, chief. Cooking up
a little hijinks there?

Yeah, me and the guys
are gonna make

nonconsensual prank videos

by dumping marbles
at the park.

It's gonna be hilarious,
once we edit out the ambulances.

Just make sure
you're back by 5:00.

You need to watch Stewie tonight
while I'm out with the girls.

-Women.
-I'll be back in time,
don't worry.

Don't blow this, fat man.

You're already on thin ice

since you crashed that airplane
into my cheek.

Open wide, here comes
the airplane.

[screaming]

We're all gonna die!

Sir, please remain calm
and stay soggy.

Hail Mary full of grain,
Buzz Bee is with thee.

[screaming]

[explosion]

Wake up, Cheerio Army.

General Mills is lying to you.

The cheek crash did not happen.

There's no proof of purchase,
plus, oat milk

can't melt steel spoons.

You know what's crazy?
There were no Jewi-O's

in the mouth that day.

I'm not sayin'
but I'm just sayin'.

Where the hell is Peter?
He was supposed to be here

to watch Stewie two hours ago.

Yeah poor kid feels
so let down,

he started auditioning
new dads.

Hi. I'm here to audition
to be your dad.

Oh, this isn't for
the role of my dad,

it's for the role
of my daddy.

[Chris muffled through door]
Stewie, Mom couldn't get

the poo stains
out of your Moana onesie.

She says she's gonna
wash it again.

Shut up! I'm trying
to create a vibe here.

[phone chimes]

Oh, damn it I'm missing
the moment of silence

for Kurt Cobain
and the other Manilli.

-I can explain.
-Don't bother.

You should see the other guys.

Yeah, it was
a pretty weird night.

I got wind!

♪

Peter stuck in ice again?

Yeah.

Uh-uh, I said no boobie bills.

Nipples all mushed up
on Ben Franklin.

And that's exactly
why I invented eyeglasses.

Oh, I can't believe
Peter ruined my whole evening.

Did Sir Mix-a-Lot go on yet?

Yeah, but he's already
burned through his hits,

so now he's doing
an awful "Baby Got Back"

remix about knees.

♪ I like thick knees
when they bend real high ♪

♪ Some brothas wanna love
that thigh ♪

♪ When a girl walks in
better show me them shins ♪

♪ And bend, lookin' like
the letter "N," I get chub. ♪

[lively chatter]

Ah, it's so nice to hang
at our regular bar

that everyone
is familiar with.

What's with
all the schlubby white boys

with notebooks in here?

Looking like Josh Gad's
stenographer.

Oh, no, tonight's
open mic night.

These comics are
always so hacky.

Then I said, "I want the booty,

and I ain't talking
about doubloons."

Ah, you look like a good crowd.

Any spice merchants here
tonight?

-I'm a lawyer.
-Of the high seas?

I handle zoning disputes.

Then I got nothing.

-[phone chimes]
-[groans] It's Peter again.

He's been texting me all night.

You know, he's so helpless
when I'm not around.

Hey, could you put
your phone away?

My parents are here tonight.

Rory gave us grandchildren.

Seamus gives us this.

Well, maybe if you were
actually funny, I'd listen.

Your Davy Jones' Locker bit,
thar she blows.

[crowd]
Ooh!

Well, if you think it's so easy,
you should put your treasure

where your mouth is and go next.

No, no, I'm not a comedian.

I-I could never.

Oh my gosh,
you should do it, Lois.

You think so?

Yes, and not just
because you're sneezing

and coughing
and I don't want you next to me.

I don't know, you really
think I'd be good at--

[coughing]

Just go!

Hey...
[laughs, snorts]

I don't really know
what to talk about up here.

Um, frankly,
my whole life is dealing

with my idiot husband, Peter.

I had to chisel his fat ass
out of ice today.

Yeah, who knew
a one-inch nub could shrink?

[laughter]

That is so true.

You don't have a man,
how would you know?

When my roommate falls asleep,

I crank pornos.

Most couples have
an active sex life.

Peter has an Activia sex life.

-[laughter]
-Yeah, my husband and I,

we enjoyed 20 happy years.

-Then we met.
-[laughter]

Ladies, show of hands. Huh?

How many of you have
ever faked an orgasm?

Okay, now how many of you

have ever faked penetration?

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Whew, I need a drink.

Hey, I just want to say
I think you're great.

Look, pal, I know nothing
is hotter to a guy

than a woman who's funnier
than them, but I'm taken.

I know, I heard your set.

Those dumb husband jokes
crushed.

Oh, God, it was
such a rush up there.

Like when you're driving
without your seat belt

and the bell keeps dinging
to put it on,

but you just keep going because
it's a short trip, you know?

Hey, I run a bunch
of comedy clubs around the city,

and we're always
looking for new talent.

You interested?

Oh!
[laughing]

Well, yeah, of course.

Great. Hopefully you can come up

with more material
about that husband of yours.

I don't know, I mean, I probably
shouldn't slam my husband

like that on a regular basis.

Oh, there you are. Quick update.

I found the mayo,
but it was in a red bottle

under the sink,
and they misspelled it "Drano."

Anyway, everyone's outside in
an ambulance when you're ready.

[laughs]

Hey, Lois, you busy?
I thought we could go

to the park and make
hammocks for squirrels

with your bras again.

They really dug it last time.

Peter's a weird guy,
but I like him.

Dude cares about rodent comfort.

That's just a fact.

Sorry, I have plans.

Fine, I'll go alone,
but I'm taking your tampons

to make speed bumps for snakes.

Hey, did you notice Lois has
"had plans" a lot lately?

Yeah, something's definitely up.

Last night there was
adrenaline in her breastmilk.

And lately she's been rushing
through all her housework.

Mommy, I had an oopsie.

[Lois sniffing]

[Stewie shouting]

Oh.

Hey! Get back here
and do the front!

This isn't right.

I have to talk to her
about this.

Look, we both know
what's going on here.

So if you are cheating on Peter,

maybe let me get a whack at it?

Yeah, shoot your shot, playboy.

What?! No--
I am not cheating on Peter.

But, well, I have been
hiding something.

I've been doing stand-up
for the past few weeks.

Ah, I even came up
with a great stage name,

"Lois the Crowd Killer,"
bu-but it was too long

for the marquee,
so I shortened it to "Lois C.K."

Are you still, like,
uh, workshopping that?

No, and I'm trying
to keep it low-key.

The routines, well,
they're about my life,

and, you know, Peter may not
like what he hears.

Ah, commenting
on the human condition.

You know,
George Carlin once said--

Yeah, we're all on Facebook,
Brian.

Anyway, I'm doing stand-up,

you're not a part of this,
don't tell Peter.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[squeaks]

[sirens wailing]

Can you believe
these firemen risk their lives

to save people like that?
They are so brave.

[scoffs]
You want to talk about brave?

Try getting paid to tell jokes.

Sure, I-I guess.

That's something, too.

I am a sherpa,

guiding you
into the places in your mind

you're afraid to go.

See, comics are philosophers.

We hold up a mirror to society
and say, "Look."

I don't do jokes.

I do truth.

[screams]

The first time
I touched that mic,

it was like
a religious experience,

if I believed in religion,
which I don't.

They're all sheep, praying
to the invisible man in the sky.

As you can see,

I did not pull that punch.

Ew, is that what I sound like
with book stuff?

-'Fraid so, Bri.
-Oh, God.

Oh, I got a tag for that.

After "God," you should say,
"If it's the Last Supper,

then there better be dessert."

-I don't get it.
-Yeah, it's pretty heady.

Hey,
I'd love to keep talking bits,

but I need to go
listen to my set

to see if my voice
sounds as shrill

as that incel Reddit page says.

It must be hard knowing that
Lois achieved her dream so fast,

while your writing career
has gone nowhere.

I'll have you know that my book
was recently picked up...

on garbage day.

Lois was cleaning out
the garage.

Face it, she's lapping you, bro.

Her new name is "Ois,"
'cause you took the "L".

Boom! Mark it on the burn board.

[bell dings]

[slurping]

Get it together, Chrissy.

You can burn with the big boys.

You're the golden child.

Okay, here goes.

You're a dog
that does people things.

Rachel, come on, you know me.

I went to your sister's wedding.

Stewie?

I told you not to send
your kid to private school.

♪

You're never gonna
believe this--

That the tennis ball is
still in your hand

when you fake a throw?

You're right,
I don't believe it.

No. I'm getting
a NETCCF special.

-You mean "Netflix"?
-No, NETCCF.

The New England Theater
Conference Comedy Festival.

It's the biggest mid-Atlantic
regional comedy event

in the greater
Rhode Island area.

They're gonna run
my special on Channel 385.

And-and that's... good?

Well, it'll be on
after the City Council meeting

where the camera drifts
slowly to the left

until it's fully
facing the wall,

so you tell me.

Oh! If it goes well,

they might even sell
the special to Fupi.

-I-- Is that an Asian dish?
-It's a streamer.

Any two nonsense syllables
are a streamer.

-Ah-choo.
-Oh, I love their shows.

Break out the Kleenex.

Congrats, Lois.

This special sounds
like a really big deal.

Do you feel ready?

Uh, actually, no.

It tapes next week,
and they want a whole hour.

I'm gonna need
way more material.

Well, who knows,
maybe you'll get lucky

and Peter will screw up
more than usual this week.

Hmm.
Screw up more than usual...

♪

-Next round's on me, boys.
-Geez, Peter,

you're throwing around
some serious coin tonight.

Usually, you just buy
one drink for the table

and put four straws in,
so we have to drink it together

like a milkshake
in an Archie comic.

Lois gave me a bunch of cash,

told me to get
as drunk as I want

and then just do
whatever pops into my head.

Wait, those belonged to a man?

Well, now I feel like the boob.

♪

I did.

Peter, you need to see what
Bonnie just posted on Facebook.

More bikini shots already?

I'm still working
through the last batch.

-Emphasis on batch.
-Giggity.

He's so dumb he hit his head

trying to dive into
his ocean screensaver.

I didn't know
Lois was doing comedy,

-but that's hilarious.
-[Lois continues indistinctly]

This guy she's talking about
sounds like a real dope.

[laughs] He couldn't
satisfy his wife

-on their wedding night.
-[laughter]

Huh, she just held up
a picture of me.

Probably to show what the cuck
doesn't look like.

How do we break it to him?

Well, he's not
getting it verbally,

so we're gonna have to do ASL.

Hey, Peter...

♪

How dare you, Lois.

You have made
a complete fool out of me.

And after I worked
my fingers to the bone

-renovating our bathroom.
-Yeah, about that,

why did you mount
the toilet on the ceiling?

The blueprints were upside down.

See? This is
what I'm talking about.

Your whole life is a joke.
Excuse me for noticing.

For God's sake,
you were the first video

on 2017's Epic Rope Swing Fails.

You think Harry Potter was
based on a true story.

Don't twist my words, all right?

I said, "There are probably
wizard schools."

Look, Peter, for years
I've had to put a good face on

while you act like an ignorant,
impulsive child.

And it is exhausting.

I finally found a way
to turn my pain into art,

and nothing is gonna stop me

because Lois C.K. is standing
in the doorway of comedy,

and you're gonna watch me
until I erupt... with jokes.

We'll see how funny you are

when you don't have this idiot
to make fun of anymore.

♪

Good morrow, family.

Christopher. Stewart. Megan.
Dogglas. Loisabeth.

Hmm...

In a right triangle,
the sine of a given angle

is equal to the ratio
of the side opposite that angle

to the hypotenuse.

And a hypotenuse is not
a math hippo.

So you lied to me?

I-I just always wanted a family,

and I thought that this
could be my way in.

Is that even your visor?

I stole it
off a blackjack dealer.

He didn't chase me
because it was too sad.

-And how are your studies?
-Oh, I'm all automotive now.

I spend my days under
a Dodge Charger

and evenings in the back seat.

Always a pleasure
chatting with you.

-I saved the comics
for you, Dad.
-No, thank you.

Today I'll be reading
the funny business section.

"Lasagna Futures Tumble
in Worst Monday Ever."

I warned him to diversify
into other noodles.

Could you pass the Fiber One?

They should call it Fiber Two,

because of what it
makes you do, right, Dad?

Christopher!
To your room, this instant.

Okay, what is going on
with you today?

What is going on is
I will no longer be your fool.

If you'll excuse me,
a man from Craigslist is here

to buy my box of shenanigans.

Whatever this is, it won't last.
Buffoonery is in your blood.

♪

Why, aorta...

Seven brave astronauts lost
their lives that day, Lois.

That's the opposite of silly.

Okay, we caught
the escaped giraffe,

but who's gonna ride him
back to the zoo?

♪

Oh, what do you say, Peter?

Would you rather
ride the giraffe,

or take our sensible family car?

[starts engine]

[tires screeching]

Bring me to the park,
I want to dunk.

He'll never be able
to keep it up.

He's kept it up.

My stand-up special is next week
and I am desperate for material.

Peter's given me squat.
He is drier than a Triscuit.

[phone chimes]

Hey, how do I delete
Grown Ups 3 off the DVR

to make room
for Ken Burns' Dust Bowl?

I don't want to miss the episode
on Okie migration.

He's been like this all week.

Last night, he gave his whoopie
cushion a Viking funeral.

[extended farting sound]

Maybe you need
to broaden out your topics.

The audience just wants to hear
about your life.

Y-you're right, Bon.

A good stand-up can make
anything funny.

Okay, I'm gonna start right now.

This is really great,
women supporting women.

I couldn't agree more.

Us ladies need
to stick together.

Absolutely. We can't let
petty differences divide us.

♪

Five minutes, Missus G.

I told you to stop
peeking your head in

and just fully enter.

Sorry, Missus G.

I'm self-conscious
about my legs.

-Hey, is Dad coming tonight?
-Oh, I don't think so.

He's being a little bitch

about my jokes about him
being a little bitch.

All right, time to go live
on Instagram

to service my fans.

Wha-wha-what up, Lois hive.

I'm about to tape
my first special.

Thanks to all my Lo-Hoes out
there for supporting your girl.

[kisses]
We out here.

Am I using that right, Meg?

[Meg]
I don't know, I'm a dork, too.

Okay, this is a sponsored post,

so I'd like to give
a shout-out thank you

to Dr. Violet's Feminine
De-Musting Powder.

When you're musty, it's a must.

[announcer]
Now, give it up

for the Husband Slayer:
Lois C.K.

[cheering]

How you feeling tonight, Quahog?

Ha-ha!
Let's get right into it.

So, the other day,
Peter sits me down...

Ooh, here it comes,
I bet she's about to say

something derogatory
about his genitals.

She's also clever
about his obesity.

My father died this morning,

but I bought the tickets
before that.

No, he wanted to review
this year's tax code

to look for
additional deductions.

Well, how about deducting
all those receipts

from my kitchen table?

Ya too messy!

♪

These are theater chairs,
they're not supposed to swivel.

Huh, weird.

-Did you break our chair?
-I improved your chair.

Actually, my whole street
is full of weirdos.

So my crippled neighbor,
he's a real jerk.

He's so handicapped,
he gets to park inside the bank.

Ya too messy!

[lights humming]

Huh. Is this thing on?

Oh, I'm on, honey.
They can hear youse just fine.

Okay, you're gonna love
this one.

So there's this predator
next door

that we still hang out with
even though he hurts women.

[laughs] I-I'm still working
on the punchline for that one.

Ginger bitch.

Married a loser
'cause she's a loser.

[guest] My dad died during
routine knee surgery.

Please, stop.

Look, I-I just want
to make you laugh.

Well, we don't like your jokes,

and Will Smith said
we're allowed to hit comics.

[clamoring]

Whoa, hey, hey, guys,

I just wanted her to bomb,
but not this.

This is what bombing is now.
Beatings are the new boos.

Look, I-I know you've all had
or will have

two drinks at minimum,
but please, calm down.

♪

-Hey, you gonna huck that?
-I'm still working on it.

Aw.

-What's with the flimsy cans?
-We drink hard seltzer now.

Ugh, at least go get
beer bottles to throw

like a respectable rioter.

Oh, my God, Peter.

All this time,
I was belittling you,

but you did what I wasn't
willing to do for you:

protect my spouse
from public ridicule when--

Holy crap, we only got
eight seconds left

in tonight's episode.

Uh, you don't have
to be smart for me or serious.

I married you for who you are,
a good husband,

-blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
-And I married you

'cause you did mouth stuff
in the car that one time,

but overall,
that's not really who you are.

♪

Hey, I'm-I'm sorry
for ruining your special, Lois.

Oh, that's okay,
it all worked out.

They actually ended up
giving it to Joe instead.

Boy, I'm glad
I'm not a cop in D.C.

I'd be writing tickets
for gridlock.

You know what D.C. stands for?
"Dumb Congress."

Hey, three congressmen
walked into a bar.

Nothing happened.

You know, you don't have
to clap after every joke.

I'd prefer if you laughed.

Stop that!

["Lady Kneecaps"
by Sir Mix-A-Lot playing]

♪ I like thick knees
when they bend real high ♪

♪ Some brothas wanna love
that thigh ♪

♪ When a girl walks in
better show me them shins ♪

♪ And bend,
lookin' like the letter "N" ♪

♪ I get chub ♪

♪ I like 'em hard and bony ♪

♪ Not prosthetic and phony ♪

♪ Much love to the honeys
with glamour ♪

♪ Knees be knocking
like a ball-peen hammer ♪

♪ I don't want them foot bones ♪

♪ Elbows and shoulders
making arms fold ♪

♪ I wanna see meniscus ♪

♪ Without knees
can't be my missus ♪

♪ So hike up dem pants legs ♪

♪ Cuff 'em, baby,
show me dem pegs ♪

♪ I'm talking femur and tibia ♪

♪ Jeopardy, baby, knee trivia ♪

[laughs]

♪

♪ Lady kneecaps. ♪