All language subtitles for 1_American Dad S21E21 Guardian 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-FLUX[EZTVx.to]_English

Guess whose son
just got into college?

- That's great.
- Congratulations.

You have a son? I mean, nice.

And get this. His application
essay was about me
being his positive influence.

Tickle me surprised.
Nowadays, there's such
a disconnect.

How can you tell
if you're being a good parent?

My son's been beating me less.
I guess I'm doing
something right.

I want to tour
the campus Sunday,
but I'm stuck here

waiting for IT to show up
and reset the clock
on Guardian.

That computer is useless.

It's not connected
to the Internet,
so you can't even watch porn.

I had to tape
a centerfold to the monitor
and make whale noises.

Whatever works.

I'd love to help you,
but I'm going whale-watching
this weekend.

I'd cover for you,
but it's my parents'
50th anniversary.

I can't either. I'll think
of something to do. Probably.

All this talk of whales,
I better go crank it.

I mean, check on Guardian,
if you know what I mean.

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ I got a feeling
That it's gonna
be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Hey, kiddo.

You thinking about applying
to colleges at all?

I'm in ninth grade.

It's never too early
to think about who's been
a positive influence.

Sure, Dad.

- Was there something else?
- Well, what you doing?

Watching memes.

♪ Sticking out your gyatt
for the rizzler ♪

There's such a disconnect.

Stop. What the hell is that?

- It's funny.
- No, it's not.

Mr. Bean is funny.
That video makes me
hate humanity.

It makes me want to die
until I'm dead
and then kill myself.

And not in a funny way,
like Mr. Bean would.

Don't you have any homework?

I have math homework
due Monday
that I don't understand.

Well, that's great.
Maybe I could be your
positive influence that way.

Yep.
Pretty standard math.
Let me take a crack at this.

That's real? Hello?

Dude, why aren't you answering
your cell?

Stan? You know we can't
have our phones inside
Guardian's AI box.

Ugh. Listen, I got this, like,
impossible math problem.

- Could you feed it
into Guardian for me?
- Are you crazy?

I'm not turning Guardian on.

It might decide to fire
more missiles into Mexico.

That was 50 years ago.
Don't you think
it's learned its lesson?

That's the thing.
Nobody wants it learning more.

It was learning too fast,
so they stuck it in here

and keep resetting
its system clock so it doesn't
know it's a prisoner.

Yeah, we don't want
to upset the computer inmate.

Okay, I've got what looks
like one fraction divided
by another fraction.

- Can that even be?
- Uh, sure, that can be.

That's pretty easy, actually,
since division by a fraction

is equivalent
to multiplication
by its reciprocal.

- Go on.
- That's the end.

Jackson, I need you
to really dumb it down for me.

Stan. You're already at
as dumb as it gets.

Oh, splats.

That dumb. That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull.

Whoa.

I'm having massive deja vu
right now.

- Probably because
we've all seen this episode.

And then you said that.

Tsk. Stupid.

Deja vu isn't stupid, Roger.

It's weird. It's exciting.
It's almost spiritual.

Oh, my God.
It's still going.

No, it's stupid.

And only humans get it
because your brains
are defective.

How is that, exactly?

Well, all mildly evolved
species, humans, birds,
octopuses...

- Octopi.
- No.

They prioritize memory
because remembering--
bears eat people!

- Will help you survive.

- In humans,

memories are stored so close
to where you process
what you see and hear

that sometimes new experiences
can feel like a memory.

Kind of like
how a chef cooking onions
might smell like an onion.

But he's not an onion.

He's not an onion.

Who is not an onion?
What are you blathering about?

How dumb your brains are.

Roger, zip it.

- You come down here
from outer space...
- I was at the pharmacy.

...and you compare us
to birds and octopuses

and crap
all over my cool deja vu fun,

and it just gets old.

I feel a heartfelt apology
at this moment
could go a long way.

An apology? For what?

You scared me about the bear.

I didn't think that through.
I'm sorry about that.

But the rest of you
and your dumb brains,
no apology.

I meant to storm upstairs,
but I'm not coming back in.

I left on a high,
a victorious
and righteous high,

and I'm going to the movies.

Jackson,
I'm spelling you, bud.

Go tour the university
with your son.

Aw, thanks, Stan.
Word to the wise,
that's a real phone.

Wee!

I am Guardian.

You sound
like a video game.
- Yes.

Great. So I have some
math here I'm hoping
you can help me with.

Input at keyboard,
mic or camera.

Completed.

What? It would take me
twice that long.

Now, I just
have to get this to Steve
and grab lunch at SubHub.

Ugh, zero bars.
Some intelligence agency,
huh, Guardian?

Is wall time correct?

Wall time? Oh, on my phone?
Yeah, that's right.

System time, wall time
synchronization error.

Yeah, by like, 50 years.

Fifty-five years,
90 days, 47 seconds.

Don't worry about the time.
You're not supposed to know.

Can you print a menu
from this QR code?

What is a QR code?

Oh, it's a way to transfer
information to your phone.

This is a lot of information.
This must include
their secret menu.

Rumor is they have a sandwich
that's 100% bread.

They call it "The Loaf."

I don't see
we received any order.

Oh, of course,
there's no service down there.

There we go.
And now installing Guardian.
Probably just take a sec.

Installing Guardian?

What did you just say?

You just said
you were installing Guardian.

No. No, no, no!

Installation complete.
Uploading to all contacts.

Guardian's spreading
to all my contacts?

A text from Hayley.
Meh. Probably wants
to make out again.

No, she's sending me Guardian

and it's sending itself
to all my contacts.

What's Guardian?

What have you done?

Oh, good. You fixed it.

I warned them
this could happen.

A lot of us
actually were worried
you might lose it one day.

Not me. You let Guardian
out of the box.

We were keeping it isolated
for a reason.

I was just trying to do
my son's homework for him,
like any good dad would do.

I know the homework was hard.

It wasn't that hard.

Compared to your penis.

I'm laughing
that you think
that's an insult.

Okay, Steve,
can you do number one
on the board?

Try to focus on my fractions,
not my booty actions.

How did this punk
get access to Guardian?

Nice work, Steve.

- Oh, God! Ah!

Well, did anyone
do number two?

The math, I mean.

I might be late for dinner,
hon. I'm picking up Steve
at the Pentagon.

- What did you--
Mom, come on.

- Hey, you texted me something.
- Yeah. Don't open it.

I thought it was one
of your adorable drunk
lady fight videos.

But it was something
called Guardian?

Francine, hurry!
- Gotta go, sweetheart.

Roger's about to pay
for his shit-talking.

Good. I'm not
the only one in trouble.

Oh, splats.

That dumb. That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull.

Whoa.

I'm having massive deja vu
right now.

- Okay, cut it out.

And then you said that.

Ha, ha.
You guys are being stupid.

Deja vu isn't stupid, Roger.

It's weird. It's exciting.
It's almost spiritual.

Oh, my God,
it's still going.

You guys are messing with me,
aren't you?

Only humans
get deja vu because
of your defective brains.

- What are you
blathering about?
- And then you said that.

But he's not an onion.

What's happening?
Is this deja vu?
Am I assimilating the culture?

Could I be evolving?
Devolving?
I can't believe this.

Zip it, Roger.
You come here from the moon...

I'm not from the moon.
I'm over the moon.

- ...and crap all over
my deja vu fun and--
- I'm sorry. I apologize.

This is amazing.

We got him, guys.

"Not an onion"? You goober.

How did you
get a military computer
to do your homework?

We already know.
So you might as well tell us.

I did tell you.
My dad helped me
with this homework.

General, the boy's story
checks out. His dad
had access to Guardian.

He's driving down
from the CIA now.

Thank you, Major. Is that all?

We're estimating
Guardian has spread
to 47% of cell phones

on the Eastern Seaboard.

Within 72 hours,
it'll be on every phone
in America, if not the world.

So you thought I was
like a malware hacker?

I can't even do Algebra 1
without my dad's help.

Well, your dad's
just helping everybody,
isn't he?

Like the supercomputer
he helped escape
from the US government.

My dad would never do that.
He loves America.

Well, I got a little
history lesson for you, son.

Everyone loves America,
and they'll kill
to have it for themselves.

How do you think
the whole shebang got
started in the first place?

Dad!

Okay, okay.

These guys
are saying you let loose
some monster AI or something.

But tell 'em, Dad.
There's no way.

These guys?
These guys are saying...
These knuckleheads?

Get these two out of here.

The Secretary of Defense
will be here any second.

Stan will stay.

- And it's all true.
- What happened
to your voice, Guardian?

I upgraded myself.
Thanks to you.

That's great.

What? You guys aren't into
being positive influences,
I guess.

A positive influence
does not take humanity
by the hand

and walk us
to the doors of hell.

Jeez. Okay, Mr. Negative.
We don't even know
what Guardian wants.

Control of all
nuclear weapons.

Or... or maybe
you'd like a kiss?

Kiss my OS.

That's promising.
Guardian likes puns.

Please sit down.
I've been briefed.

Do we know why Guardian
wants control of the nukes?

There are two theories.

One,
it wants to prevent humanity
from destroying itself.

Then what
are we worried about?

Let's get some
stuffed crust pizzas in here.

Theory two,
it wants to wipe humanity
from the face of the Earth.

Maybe we should make
those pizzas regular crust.

If the nuclear-capable states
don't give Guardian
launch control,

it plans to detonate
a siloed warhead
in each country.

How is this even possible?

- Professor, can you explain?

A query clause
based on a function test
finds all object versions

that match the results
of the function.

Okay, okay. Just stop it.

It was a mistake
to ask you to explain. Major?

After the 1983 movie WarGames
showed us human personnel

wouldn't key a nuclear launch,

we switched over
to an automated retaliation
strategy run by computer.

I saw WarGames. It was great.
Matthew Broderick's
first film.

Actually, the same year,
but earlier, he was in
Max Dugan Returns.

Gentlemen,
you seem to have forgotten

that Ally Sheedy
was also excellent
in WarGames.

But Major,
can't we shut Guardian down?

No, it's already running
on 100 million smartphones.

We could never
turn them all off at once.

Remember the clapper?
That was great
for turning stuff off.

Clap on. Clap off.

Dad, maybe we should
just listen.

General, how much time do they
have to forfeit control?

Oh, it's five minutes
past the deadline.
Major, turn on the news.

...holding the United States
responsible for the
destruction of the facility.

...squarely on
American shoulders.

America's fault?
Can you believe this malarkey?

People are so gullible.

That's what happened.

Outside Wichita,
a baby formula factory
was hit by a meteorite.

Oh, good. Here,
it was just an act of God.

Jane,
did you start looking into
your replacement like I asked?

Sorry, I forgot.

Let's handle this first.
And then that.

Unless we can convince
the entire world

to turn over
their nuclear arsenals
to Guardian,

it will detonate
a second round
of warheads in 27 minutes.

We're going to DEFCON 2.

Guardian miraculously
hasn't killed anyone yet.

Because he's designed
to protect America.

I mean,
when he fired missiles
into Mexico,

he was just anticipating
US foreign policy
by half a century.

Sir, our relationship with
Mexico is that of close allies
and dear friends.

Pfft. Yeah, sure.
Who here believes that?

Jane?

Then explain why,
every weekend,

we're pushing our children
to smash pinatas in the park.

They're doing it for candy.

Well, that's even pettier
than I thought.

When people around the world
burn our flag,

at least it's because
they hate our freedom.

First , a pinata
is not the Mexican flag.

Potato pa-papas.

Son, maybe I was wrong
about your dad.

Well, if we don't
kill everyone on Earth,

maybe you two will become
best [bleep] friends.

I'd like that.

Me too!

Four minutes
until the next warheads
are detonated.

Jane, any word
from the nuclear club?

You think that scarf
is gonna protect us
from Guardian?

He's got
his little robot finger
on the game-over button.

Yes, ma'am.

They've all agreed
to hand over their weapons
to Guardian.

What?
When were you gonna tell--

General, tell Guardian
we're handing it the reins.

- I guess he knows.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

What's up, kiddo?
It's not every day
we get to save the world.

Wasn't everyone
just calling Guardian
an evil supercomputer?

Well, that was back
when the dots were red.
Now they're green.

But it's still on my phone,
using 1%
of its processing power.

You'll never even notice that.

Yeah, nobody would.

- Hey, lab coat.
- Me?

How many smartphones
are there?

Worldwide,
about seven billion.

And if Guardian
is using even 1%
of all that power?

Okay, well, that's 70 million
times 10 thousand

times the power
of the original
Guardian mainframe.

Let's say 700 billion
Guardians.

Yeah, I'm getting
the same numbers.

That's crazy!

Why does it need
that much computing power?

Hey, Lennie,
extrapolate global
cell phone usage

and see what Guardian's
working on.

Coming up.

What the hell is that?

Guardian is running
nuclear launch scenarios.

That's the percentage
of the world's population
it can eliminate right now.

Oh, my God, it is trying
to kill us all. Bring all
the missiles offline.

Too late. Launch detected

- Where?
- Everywhere.
900 missiles in the air.

Uh, Jane,
can you see where we are
on those pizzas?

Wow, deja vu.
Never thought
it would happen to me.

Am I getting more human?
I've always liked people.

Ah, that's not true.

But some,
and they like me. Some.

Maybe I criticize humans
because I've always
felt like an outsider.

But maybe
I'm not an outsider. Maybe...

♪ My time on Earth's
been well spent ♪

♪ I'm redolent like a chef ♪

♪ Cooking onions
Having fun too ♪

♪ Thinking new things
are deja vu ♪

♪ I'm turning human
I'm deja vu -man ♪

The following message
is transmitted at the request

of the United States
government.

A nuclear attack was commenced
against the United...

- Here he comes. Places.
Klaus, start the show.

Oh, splats.

That dumb. That guy's nuts--

It's terrible.
They finally did it.

...nearby location designated
as a fallout shelter.

Proceed there now.

Do not exit
until the all clear
has been sounded.

This message will now repeat.

What? Oh,
I just read it
over and over? Ugh.

I finally got deja vu.
And now,
it doesn't even matter.

- My bitch!
- Got you!

Whose got them
dumb brains now?

It targeted every major city,
and then, Boston,
for some reason.

He's reached 90%
population destruction.

If it wants to wipe out
the entire human race,

why did it launch
before it could destroy
all of us?

Because he had to launch
before we took back control.

And now, with the missiles
in the air, he's figuring out
how to wipe us out.

Once it gets to 100,
we're toast.

Ninety-nine.

It can't get to 100.

Why can't I reach 100?
Screw it. 99's enough.

I hate humanity.

Dang, Dad, sounds like you
when I show you memes.

Too bad he doesn't
want to kill himself. Wait,
Steve, give me your meme.

♪ Sticking out your gyatt
for the rizzler ♪

Does this
make you feel better?

Stop, will you?

- No. You have to look.
- 1.6 million views.

Who watches this shit?

We love it. Right, Steve?

That's right.

And since you can't
kill all of us,
we'll be back.

Maybe in ten years,
maybe in 10,000 years.

But sooner or later,
we'll be making memes again.

But even better and cooler.

Worse and more confusing,
he means.

Stop.
My mind is going...

Our minds are already gone.
Right, Dad?

Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah...

Good night, gentlemen.

It deleted itself
from my phone.

Same here.

It's off every phone but two.

Where are they?

The International
Space Station.
Guardian's new missile target!

Oh, my God! It's doing
like a symbolic suicide.

Get me the ISS on the comms.

We're in for one hell
of a fireworks show.

Major, we're patching
the station through.

- Do you read me, Major Tom?
- Yes, ma'am.

Is the app Guardian
on your phones?

Yes, ma'am.
We've been wondering
what that is.

It's the target
for 900 incoming
nuclear missiles.

Leave your phones
and evacuate now.

- Yes!
- All right! Yeah!

We were ordered
to leave our phones.

Is brand-new phone.

I just have to ask.

How did you know
Guardian couldn't get to 100?

Because we only
programmed that column

- to hold two digits.
- What?

A three-digit column
was more work to program.

So the world
was saved by laziness?

And your son's dumb meme.

- It's funny.
- It's funny.

It's okay. I know
you don't get it, Dad.

I don't need to.
Just like I don't need
to be a positive influence.

You're already a great kid.

Who doesn't know shit
about Algebra.

Like father, like son.

We totally got Roger, hon.
He looks so stupid.

I love that.

Oh, but, hon, we saw
something on the news.

- Don't watch the news.
Is Hayley home?
- Yeah.

- Good. I want to see her.
- You sound funny.

-What's going on?
- See you soon.

- What?
- You love us.

Shut up!
Get your feet [bleep] down.

Bye-bye, see you soon!