All language subtitles for 1 lchdhatchet

Come on, Pa.
We've been out here over three hours.

We don't even know
where the hell she went.

She's at least a 12-footer

if I ever saw one.

No. I ain't leaving here
without her.

And I'm cold.

Shh! Shut your hole.

Come on, man.
Can we pull over?

- I gotta take a piss.
- Go off the side of the boat.

- Come on.
- We ain't beachin' it.

Shit.

- Jesus.

Oh come on, man.
I can't go like this.

- Why in the hell not?
- Well, 'cause it's weird

with you sittin' there like that.

Just keep it down, would ya?

See? No matter what I say, it's "Shut up, Ainsley,"
or "You're queer, Ainsley,"

or "Why can't you be more
like your sister, Ainsley?"

I said shut up,
you little queer!

See? See that?

Asshole.

- What'd you say, boy?
- Nothin'.

Don't make me throw you
in the swamp now.

Yeah, you go--

- Jesus Christ!

Jesus, son!
What happened?

She tried to bite
my sack off!

You let her get away,
you moron!

Well, what the hell
was I supposed to do?

- For crying out loud!

Can we just pull over
so I can finish my damn piss?

Lord!

Y'all hurry up now!

Goddamn queer's
got to squat to take a leak.

Oh shit.

Keep still, Ainsley.

I think she's back.

Well, what should I do?

Don't make a sound.

Just stay right there.

Oh.

Pa?

Did you get her?

Pa?

Maybe we can go home now?

Pops!

Pa!

Pa? Pa?

Oh! Pa!

Come on!

Come and get it, you bitch!

- I'll kill you!

Oh God!

It hurts!

Oh God!
Help me!

♪ Everything has been
said before ♪

♪ Nothing left to say anymore ♪

♪ When it's all the same ♪

♪ You can ask for it by name ♪

♪ Babble babble, bitch bitch,
rebel rebel, party party ♪

♪ Sex sex sex
and don't forget the violence ♪

♪ Blah blah blah,
got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonely ♪

♪ Stick your stupid slogan in,
everybody sing along ♪

♪ Babble babble, bitch bitch,
rebel rebel, party party ♪

♪ Sex sex sex
and don't forget the violence ♪

♪ Blah blah blah,
got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonely ♪

♪ Stick your stupid slogan in,
everybody sing ♪

♪ Are you motherfuckers ready
for the new shit? ♪

♪ Stand stand up and admit
tomorrow's never coming ♪

♪ This is the new shit ♪

♪ Stand up and admit ♪

- ♪ Do we get it? ♪
- ♪ No ♪

- ♪ Do we want it? ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ This is the new shit ♪

♪ Stand up and admit,
and now it's you-know-who ♪

♪ I got the you-know-what,
you can stick it you-know-where ♪

♪ You know why, you don't care,
now it's you-know-who ♪

♪ I got the you-know-what,
you can stick it you-know-where ♪

♪ You know why, you don't care,
now it's you-know-who ♪

♪ I got the you-know-what,
you can stick it you-know-where ♪

♪ You know why, you don't care,
now it's you-know-who ♪

♪ I got the you-know-what,
you can stick it you-know-where ♪

♪ You know why, you don't care,
yeah ♪

♪ So let ♪

♪ Us ♪

♪ Entertain you ♪

♪ So let ♪

♪ Us ♪

♪ Entertain you ♪

- ♪ Everybody sing along ♪
- ♪ So let ♪

♪ Us ♪

♪ Entertain you ♪

- ♪ Everybody sing along ♪
- ♪ So let ♪

♪ Us ♪

- ♪ Entertain you ♪
- ♪ Blah blah blah blah blah ♪

♪ Everybody sing along. ♪

I need some beads.

Cheer up, man.
This is Mardi Gras!

- This is fun!
- I'm having a blast.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Right here, right here, right here.

Look at that.
Oh! Look at those boobs right there.

Hey!

For something new, right?

Haven't you seen enough boobs?

I'm just not feeling this.
I-- I should've stayed at home.

What, so you can sit in your room
and cry about Heather?

- Christine.
- Ben, man, we came down here

to have a good time.
You? You're fighting it.

There's fun all around you!
Stop standing there like a bitch.

How is this fun?
This place is disgusting.

Our hotel room
smells like sweaty balls, man.

Everybody's just drunk
and looking for a fight.

You! You threw up six times yesterday.
How do you even do that?

You guys just stay
and have fun, all right?

- I'm gonna go find something to do.
- What, by yourself?

DeWitt and Robinson told me
about this haunted swamp tour thing

that they did last year.
They said it was amazing.

You see all these like floating lights
and stuff on the water.

- Just--

You want to leave all of this

to go Look at some
damn lights in a swamp?

You don't have to come
with me, Marcus.

Look, I'll see you guys
back at the hotel.

Cool.

- Ben, wait up, wait up, man.
- No. Marcus, no.

- Go hang out with--
- No, I'm going with you. It's cool.

Thanks, man. Buddy, you're gonna be
so psyched you did this.

I think I'd rather
skin my own dick.

- Right. It's official.
- Here it is.

No more chicks.

- They're closed.

No, they can't be closed.

But indeed they are.
There's a big "closed" sign.

And it's--
you're still knocking.

All right.
This sucks.

No, it doesn't suck.
It's gonna be cool.

- For you 'cause you suck.
- Shut up.

I'm just saying.

What do you want?

Uh...

we wanted to do
a haunted swamp tour.

I don't do night tours anymore.

I'm not allowed to.

Oh, it's just that
our friends told us

that you did one here last year.

I can't do night tours anymore.

Insurance got too high

after what happened.

- Too bad. Let's roll.
- Wait wait wait wait.

Uh... what happened?

Oh...

you don't want to know.

I so do.

Here we go.

I had a tour group

out in the swamp

last Halloween.

It was the mist of night.

- Yeah?
- And there was this kid--

he looked kind of like you.

He got spooked
by something in the marsh.

He saw two eyes
staring at him from the woods.

Chilled him
to his very marrow.

He wanted to get
off the boat in a hurry...

and he had his foot

dangling over the edge.

- He--
- He fell in?

- A gator got him?
- What happened?

He slipped,

hit his head

right on the roof

and sued me for negligence!

- That cocksucker!
- That's it?

Try Marie Laveau...

- Excuse me?
- ...two blocks east

on Olive Street.
But you didn't hear it from me.

I have to go tend to my birds.

Be careful walking
on my sidewalk!

- Whoa whoa, come on, man. Wait.
- What?

It's dead as hell down there, all right?

Fun party-- bad badness.

- Wait, Ben!
- Come on.

This is so lame!
How is this gonna help you get over her?

Marcus, this whole scene
back here, it's just--

every hot half-naked chick I see

reminds me of Christine,
you know?

Probably getting banged
by that Bulkowski guy

in our living room
bent over that beige loveseat

that my mom bought her.

What happened
to dating a normal guy?

That guy's got a neck
the size of a truck.

And that whole cauliflower ear?
That's weird.

- Is he gonna wrestle her to submission?
- All right, stop stop.

All right, okay.

- I don't want to think about Bulkowski.
- I don't either.

- I get it.
- Come on, man. This is gonna be fun.

Guess there ain't
no chicks at the swamp.

- I won't be needing these.
- It'll be fun.

- About as fun as crabs.
- Yeah, you would know.

Screw that waitress
from Fezziwig's, man.

You did.

I didn't know
she had bugs in her bush.

She was scratching
herself all night.

What do you mean you didn't know?
You can't hook up with itchy chicks.

- Everybody knows that.
- She said it was a reaction

to her fabric softener, okay?

All right? I saw it. I asked.

- Fabric softener!
- Look at you, Mr. Big Shot.

"Everyone knows that."
When was the last time you got laid?

- I have sex all the t--
- Shut up.

- Ladies.

This is really fun.

Whoo-ooh!

- Whoa.
- That's good. Good.

Uh--

- Give us a kiss?

Oh yes. Yeah, you love it.

You want it.
You need it.

Oh-- oh damn,
I-- I gotta change batteries.

- God, brush your teeth much?

- Lick me, bitch.
- No, thanks.

I like my tongue
without the syphilis.

You're syphilis,
Miss Big Words.

- Okay, that didn't even make sense.
- Lick me.

Misty, Jenna, you can get along
for a couple more hours, can't ya?

Seriously, Doug,
I can't work with that.

I'm a professional actress.
I went to NYU.

What's so funny?

like anybody's
ever even heard of that.

- New York University?
- Never heard of it.

Girls, nobody ever
got discovered by being difficult.

Hmm? I mean, I-- I need you guys
to show me the love, all right?

- Fine.
- I need to feel the passion here, all right?

- We're rolling.

- All right.
- I need to feel the passion.

- And we're rolling.

All right, you're sensuous.

Ooh yeah.

- You're playful.

- You're curious.
- Hmm.

You're smitten.

Rawr!

- Rawr! Rawr!
- Who's ready to do some haunting, huh?

Ha ha ha!

The night will soon be upon us.

The spirits of the damned
are on the rise!

Let's get our souls
on the move, my friends!

What can I do you two for?

Do you do a haunted swamp tour?

Why-- why I do the only
haunted swamp tour--

real live ghosts,

tales of the macabre...

and actual sites
that are still damned by...

voodoo curses.

I hate you.

- Oh! Hey.
- What?

leaving right now
for 40 bones each.

- $40?
- Yes.

- All right.
- Can you spot me?

- Why, you don't have any cash?
- No, I'm just not paying for this bullshit.

- Okay, Ladies. Step right--
- I know, darling.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi there. How are you doing?

- Oh hey.

Do you mind if I sit here?

- Be my guest.
- Oh.

Step right up!

- Hello.
- Hey.

- Oh hi.

Can I see the footage?

Uh, so I guess I'm sitting here.

I'm Ben.

- Marybeth.
- Marybeth,

that's a great name

'cause it's actually
two names, you know?

Most people just have one
and that's kind of boring.

Ben.

But Marybeth, it's--

you know,
it's Mary and it's Beth.

That's a nice coat.

So do you have any pets or--

Are you enjoying Mardi Gras?

- Yep.
- Couldn't find anyone

brave enough to do
the ghost tour with ya, huh?

- Nope.
- Right on.

Right on. Some buddies of mine
back home went on this--

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't come on this tour
'cause I was hoping that just maybe

I'd get to meet you.

If you don't mind, I'd like to just
sit and stare out this window

and get my $30 worth, okay?

- Hey, what the fuck?!

Okay, folks!

I am your tour guide Shawn.

- Just sit back and get ready to enjoy--
- Uh, dawg, you don't need that.

- It's like the size of a MINI Cooper.

Ha ha.

like a MINI Cooper limo,
you know what I mean?

That's what I'm talking about.

- I'm--
- I'm--

- Oh no, you--
- You-- we--

- We are so cute when we do that.

- I'm Marcus.
- Jenna.

Hello there.
Jim Permatteo.

And this here's the missus-- Shannon.

- How do you do?
- Doug Shapiro.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice camera.

Making a movie?

Yeah.

Well, what do you know, lovekins?

We've got ourselves
a director over here.

How exciting.

What kind of movie is it?

Well, have you ever heard
of "Bayou Beavers"?

- Sure! No.
- No.

Okay, everyone,
if you take a Look out your right side,

you'll see the legendary
Saint Louis Cemetery Number One.

Uh, founded in 1789

this here's the resting place

of the first black mayor
of New Orleans-- Ernest Morial.

It is also believed
to be the burial site

of the infamous voodoo queen
Marie Laveau.

Yes, sir.

Now, y'all notice how we
bury our dead above the ground?

Well, that's because of all
the voodoo curses in the air down here.

The dead have a tendency
to rise out of the dirt,

so we like to keep 'em
cemented in instead.

Shawn, excuse me,
but we heard

that the reason you bury them above ground
is because of the water level..

- Oh-ho, no.
- That's right.

The water level. is so high
that sometimes things in the ground

will rise back up to the surface.

No, that's not why.

- But we heard--
- I said no!

All right, all right, all right.

Uh, time's a-wastin'.

Everyone onboard.

Scare Bus to Scare Boat.
Everyone.

Watch your step, lovekins.

All right, all right.

Hey there, they there, all right.
No-- no time for dilly-dallying.

- Okay.
- Gotta beat the rush.

That's right.
That's right.

All right, all right,
coming through.

Okay, gotta go, gotta go.

- All right.

Okay.

Dude!

That's the boat?

Okay, Let's, uh,
see something, girls.

- Huh?
- Whoo!

Okay, you're silly, you're tough,

you're cute,

you've got a secret.

- Oh now, come on, lovekins.

...be like this, the whole thing--

That's good. All aboard.

Okay, uh--
all right, here we go.

Hey! You there!

Hello!

- Mr. Shawn, I think that man's trying to talk to you.

Oh no no no.

- Hey! Where you think you're going?!

- What's he saying?
- Oh, uh, that guy, uh--

- don't mind him. That's just Jack Cracker.
- The swamp is closed!

- Hey!
- Jack Cracker?

Yeah yeah,
one of the local alligator hunters.

Just, uh, sits there, yells things--

uh, drinks his own piss.
He's, uh, you know-- cracked.

- Aw, come on.

This swamp is closed!

- Hey! The swamp is haunted!

Victor Crowley!

- What's he saying?

Okay okay okay, here we go.

Everyone wave bye-bye to Jack.

- Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.
- Bye!

Bye!

Bye, Mr. Cracker! Bye!

Bye!

Bye-bye!

Y'all gonna die.

Oh. Oh yeah.

That's good.

Remember, you don't need to keep

all your fingers and toes onboard,

just the ones you want to keep.

That's right.

There's big alligators
in these here waters.

Hey now, check it out, y'all.
Off to the left you'll see something

you don't see every day,
but I do.

Real live cypress trees.

Now hey, what did the Spanish moss
say to the cypress?

"Mind if I hang around?"

You know, sometimes
I'll tell that joke in Español.

Hey there, isn't the cypress

the Louisiana state tree?

- Well, I bet it sure is.
- Yeah, since 1963, the Bald Cypress.

Oh-ho now, only room for one guide

on this boat now.

Now we're gonna move into a part of the swamp
with the scary ghosts, y'all.

Now I need everyone
to be overenthusiastic

or you'll wind up overboard.

Now here on the Mississippi Bayou,

hundreds of fisherman
and old pirates

have lost their lives.

And if we're lucky,
we might be able to see their souls

floating over the waters
where they up and died.

Now you all should be a very...

- This is beat.
- Come on, man.

Give it a break.
This is fun.

About as fun as a bag of dicks.

This is beat as hell.
The only thing scary

is Uncle Remus meets Bruce Lee.

I feel like I'm in
"Enter the 'Song of the South"' or some shit.

What about your new girlie here, huh?

- That was the president that--
- She all right.

But it's not like I'm gonna
get any ass on a stupid boat.

Okay, so lay the groundwork,
set it up for later.

like you and what's-her-face?

"That's a nice coat."

- That was classic.
- Yeah.

About as classic as--

about as classic as--

- I got nothing.
- Exactly.

Now, uh, coming up,
y'all see an old house

with a barn behind it.
That right there

is a home of a real famous
Louisiana legend,

Victor Crowley--
Hatchetface.

Now legend is--
is that, uh,

he was a deformed man
whose own father went nuts

and whacked him in the face
with a hatchet one night,

probably on account of he was, uh,

so, uh, ugly or something.

Uh-- anyway, he died.

And so the story goes is that

if you're ever near
the old Crowley house late at night,

you still hear old Victor Crowley
cryin' for his daddy.

Daddy!

Y'all hear that?

Hmm.

Daddy!

I done heard it again.

That ain't the story.

That's the gist of it anyway.

It's not even the house.

Christ, would you
just let me do my job?!

Y'all try the crawfish yet?

I am so psyched I did this.

- That fade you had in high school.
- What?

- It's about as classic as that fade--
- You're too late.

- Why?
- You're still on classic?

- Are y'all ready to see something

really scary? Huh?
Are you all ready?

Everyone who's ready say,
"Oh yeah!"

Okay, I'm gonna do it anyway.
Here we go.

Okay, folks. I'm gonna
shut the lights off for a second.

And once your eyes adjust,
you'll be able to see

some of the ghost lights
just hovering above the water

over to the right at Kwaj Island.

- I don't see anything.
- Uh, wait till your eyes adjust.

They're adjusted.
There's just nothing there.

Hey, can we get those lights going again?
You're killing all my camera shots.

Jim, Look, I think I see something.

That's right!

Yeah, you see?
Not one, but two ghosts!

See? I told y'all!

Isn't that just a chemical reaction
from the water and the gases?

No no no, man.
It's the ghosts! Look!

Nah, bro. Those are the marsh vapors.
I've seen this on TV.

Hell, man, why'd ya even all come then?
They're ghosts!

Oh, you're right.

Except no.

Damn it.

Now, uh, that's the spot
where Captain John Donovan

supposedly buried
a trunk full of treasure.

legend says though that he left
two of his crew behind to guard it,

but he cut off their legs
so they couldn't run away.

That's a stupid story.

- Fine.

Look! Jim!

- Did you see that?
- I did!

- What was that?
- Oh! It could-- could be

one of the more active spirits

we sometimes get after it rains.
Oh-ho-ho!

It's spooky, isn't it, folks?
Ha ha ha!

Okay, perfect. Perfect.

Hey, who wants to be
in the Halloween video?

- Come on, girls.

Whoo-ooh!

Okay, your "whoo"
is so not in the moment.

- Yeah? Well, your nipples are dumb.
- Oh!

This is pretty cool.

It's cold.

Not much of a talker, are ya?

I ain't here to make friends.

Right.

Must be a local.

I just didn't know that locals
did this touristy stu--

- We don't.
- No, of course.

Yeah. No.

Yeah, I wouldn't
really do it either normally.

It's just--
buddies of mine from college

told me about it,
said it was cool, so--

I figured what the hell, you know?

Check out the swamp,
enjoy the activities.

I'm gonna be honest
with you right now.

I, uh, just got dumped
by my girlfriend of eight years

and uh, my friends took me down here
to try to get my mind off of it,

but you know, I--

we were together since
the seventh grade May Dance.

And--

you know, she tells me
she needs space.

What does that even mean
in girl language?

"Space." Whatever.

Get my mind off of it.

- Just relax.

- Jesus!
- Drive much?

- What happened?
- Oh, we just, uh...

got stuck.

- Stuck? On what?
- Oh, on some rocks or something.

- I don't know.

Uh, here, someone give me a hand.

Here, help me push the boat off.

Is this a part of every tour?

Relax. It's all good.

- Oh!

- Oh my God! My hair!
- All part of the tour.

All part of the tour!

- Damn it!

- Who are you gonna call? Daddy?
- Shut up, you nasty bitch!

I would call the police
and they'd send someone.

- Who?
- The cops! Duh!

The police are gonna send the cops?

- They're the same thing!
- No, they're not!

- There is a difference!
- Nuh-uh!

- Ya-huh!
- Whoa whoa! Ladies, Ladies!

I' get us unstuck.
No need to be calling the Man.

Marcus! A little help maybe?

This sucks!

My hair!

- They're half our age

and they're all always complaining,
every single one of them.

You just sit right back down!

- Okay, push out! Let's go!
- Not very familiar with your stories yet, huh?

Shawn, how many
of these tours have you done?

Oh, uh-- uh, I've done a bunch!

Oh, Jim, this is
a fine how-do-you-do.

Ooh! My feet are getting wet!

- Are we sinking?
- N-- no!

No, we're not sinking!

It certainly looks like it now,
doesn't it?

Everyone, calm down!

Th-this tree that we're stuck on
goes all the way to the shore.

Maybe there's a road
or a phone or something.

Oh, out here
in the middle of nowhere?

Yeah, well, we can't stay here.

No no no no, Jim.
I think we should stay here

and wait for help.

There's gotta be another tour boat
coming through soon, right?

Probably not.

It's, uh, rainin' pretty bad.

lovekins, we can walk
right across this tree

to the shore.

No no.
It-- it looks dangerous.

Damn, I could be in a bar!

You are not doing-- no!

Here. Watch me.

- Where is he going?
- Oh! No-- oh!

- Jim, wait!
- Whoa whoa whoa!

- It's okay, don't worry about it.

- Honey! Get back here!

Okay, it's a little slippery,
so you have to watch your step.

- But I think--

Ah!

Ah! Someone help me!

- It's got my leg!
- Do something! Do something!

Oh! Oh! Oh, God!
It's biting my leg off!

Get him to the shore!

With his blood in the water,
this whole place is gonna be a feeding frenzy!

- Move!

Come on, everyone off the boat.
It's sinking.

No way!
I'm not going out there!

- Oh, you're going out there.

- Jim! Are you all right?
- He's fine! He's okay!

Put your weight on your left--
put your weight on your left leg.

- I got you.

- Okay!
- Jim!

Come on!

- We're all getting off!

No, don't cry. Don't worry. It's all right.
All right? Just come on, I got you.

Shh. Don't worry, don't worry. Come on.

- Come with me that way.

- That tree over there!
- Come on! Stand up!

I can't.

Honey, you need to stand up.
It's safer the higher up we get.

I don't want to.

Hey, man--

Come on, I got you.

- Stand up!
- I can't!

Misty! Look at me! Look at me!

You're gonna be fine!
Just walk across!

- Come on, I got you.

Come on! Walk across!
We don't have time!

Move!

Come on! Hurry up!

Oh!

Come on, get out of the water!
Get out of the water!

- Get out of the water!

- Get out!
- Come on! Come on!

My camera!

Oh. Oh. Oh.

- What was that?

- Come on!
- Swim!

Go go go go!

- Good going, jackass!
- Hey, screw you!

You guys, we need
to get out of these woods.

Gators can walk on land too. Go!

But my hat!

It's all right, sweetheart!

- Stop! Stop!

Slow down!

- Don't hurt yourself.

Oh oh! Watch out, watch out!

- Right here.
- Ow! Ow!

Come on, man-- oh my God!

Does somebody want
to tell me what the hell's going on?

Does somebody want to explain
why Janie's got a gun?

Yeah, why do you have a gun?

Oh! And why should I tell you,
you little con artist?

Huh?!

Okay! Okay! Look!

I'm gonna be honest!

I just moved down here
from Detroit!

My brother here hooked me up
with this touristy gig,

told me I can make a ton of dough,
so I said I'd try it out!

How many tours have you done?

More importantly,
how many boats you ever driven?

Look, I did the one tour last night

and-- and this one here tonight, all right?

The boat didn't sink last night!

I can't believe this.

What-- what the hell
does she have a gun for?

- That's what I want to know!
- Because I'm looking for another boat, okay?

'Cause my daddy and my brother
went out hunting on this river

two nights ago
and they never came back.

The cops said they're probably
just off on a bender or something somewhere,

but I know that isn't what happened.

So you go on the ghost tour?

How does that make any sense?

Well 30 bucks for a boat ride
was a hell of a lot cheaper

than getting my own boat, wasn't it?

That still doesn't explain the gun!

Yeah and why her ticket
was only 30 bucks.

I have a gun
because these woods aren't safe.

Besides, it just saved his life.

- Stop it!

My husband needs help!

Look, we need to get him help
and we need to get out of these woods.

Who made you the leader?

We should call for help
and stay right here.

No bars!
God, I hate the South!

- I don't think we should move him right now.
- Well, we have to!

He's bleeding pretty badly.
We can't carry him all the way home.

If we don't get
out of these woods right now,

we're all gonna die.

What are you talking about?

These are his woods.

- Whose woods?
- Victor Crowley.

Enough with the stories already, huh?

Y'all don't even know
where you are.

- I already told you--
- All right, shut up, okay?

You're not even from here.

Where are we?

It was like a dirty secret.

Victor Crowley was born
horribly disfigured.

His daddy kept him
hidden away in his house

where no one could see him.

They lived like that for years,

just keeping to themselves-- alone.

Victor was scared to death of other kids.

They teased him and tortured him
like kids do.

They were so cruel.

And then, years later on Halloween night,

some teenagers
came to the house.

And they were trying
to get a Look at him,

trying to scare him
out of the house.

Mr. Crowley got home and he tried and tried

to get inside,
but the door was on fire.

He could hear Victor screaming inside,

but he couldn't get in.

So he ran and got himself a hatchet

and he started chopping
at that door.

But Victor was pressed up

against the other side
trying to get out.

And it was an accident,

but he hit him in the face
with that hatchet.

And poor Victor Crowley died.

The old man became
a recluse after that.

He never left his house--

just sat there for almost 10 years

before he finally died
of a broken heart.

And from that point on,
people started disappearing in the swamp.

All the locals and hunters say
that if you get close enough

to the Crowley house at night,

you can still hear Victor Crowley...

crying for his daddy
in the woods.

They say he's come back.

He wanders the swamp at night

with that hatchet slash
across his face.

This whole part of the river's
illegal to even be in.

It has been for years.
That's why there's no other tour boats.

And that's why
he brought us this way

so he wouldn't get caught
running his phony business.

That's why I came.

To find your father?

- And my brother.

They started coming down this way
to hunt gators last week.

They thought they'd catch more being
the only boat in a closed-off swamp.

And I told them not to come!

So you think a ghost
got your family?

Okay, that-- that is so stupid!

I mean, Look around.
There's no one in these woods.

Yes, there is.

They probably got stuck
just like we did

and had to walk the whole way home.

You know, right now, they're
probably sitting at a Denny's or something.

Moons Over My Hammy, yo.

Besides, we are nowhere
near the Crowley house.

Okay, I already told you,
it's on the other side of the river

over two miles ago.

- That wasn't the house!
- How do you know?

- Because that is.

Look, I told y'all the truth, okay?

I don't care who believes it.

You are really starting
freak me out, all right?

- I just want to go home!
- Tell me this is part of the tour.

Oh, yeah.
I sink the boat every night.

It's hilarious.

I want my money back.

All right, okay,
there's got to be

- a road around here or something.

- Oh shit.

I don't want to go that way.
I'm not going that way!

If it's the quickest way,
then that's the way we're going!

Why couldn't you keep
your stories to yourself, huh?

We're not in enough trouble,

but you had to scare the pants
off of everyone too?

I am trying to help you.
Y'all need to know the truth.

- Baloney!
- All right, all right, all right.

Just-- you help me come
pick him up, all right?

Come on.

- Right over my shoulder.

- Get up, get up, get up.

Be careful, be careful. Easy easy.

- You got him, man?
- Yeah yeah.

I'm right here, Jim.

All right,
everything's gonna be just fine.

Look, we'll get him some help
and we'll all go home.

Stay close to me.

You're really scared of that story, huh?

I mean, Look, it's just a myth.
Everybody has 'em--

- Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster--
- Please stop talking.

Okay.

- I cannot believe that I am out here...

in a swamp.

I bet Julia Roberts didn't have to do this
before she got "Mystic Pizza."

Do you believe
that Victor-whatever story?

Oh, absolutely not.

I don't trust anyone around here.

I mean, these people sleep exclusively
with their own families.

- Yo.

Why is it that the crackers
are back there with the honeys

and the two brothers
gotta carry the injured dude?

I am so sorry.
I never meant for any of this to happen.

I just want to get to a road,

then I'ma whip your ass.

Jim, how you doing, baby?

I'm so cold.

It hurts like a son of a-- God!

How much further
is the road past the house?

I don't know--
a few miles.

A few miles!

Are you kidding me?!

Daddy!

- Did you--
- Shh!

Daddy!

I want to go home.

- Oh! Oh!

You are all a bunch of cowards!

Is anybody home?

Somebody help us!

We need help!

Please stop!

We shouldn't have gone this way.
We need to turn around.

And go where,
back in the water?

Please just stop!

We need to stick together!
We need to stop him!

Come on! You-- you can't
carry him all by yourself!

I'm here, baby.
Everything's gonna be all right.

We don't need those loonies,

those cowards!

Stop! We need to stick together!

Everything's gonna be just fine.

We have the good Lord
with us, baby.

The good Lord will protect us.

- No! No!

- Oh my God!

Oh my God!

- Oh my God!
- Come on!

- No!

Help me! Help me!

- It's me! It's me! It's me!

- Where is everyone?
- I don't know.

We're over here.
What happened?

They're both dead.

But I shot him.

You shot him?
But I thought he was a ghost.

You can't shoot a ghost!
You can shoot a ghost?

- Did you kill him?
- I don't know!

- He fell down.
- God, this isn't happening!

Where's Marcus?

Up here!

- Come on, get down!

No. No way!
No way. I'm staying right here.

This is bullshit, man!
This is fucked up!

What can you see
from up there?

I can see there ain't no dead
elephant man coming to get me.

- Come on. Do you see a road? lights?

Anything?

I think I see downtown,
but I don't know.

Well-- well, how far?
What direction?

That way.

But it's far,
way too far.

All right, well, do you see
a road or cars or something?

What kind of stupid shit, man--
it's dark, it's wet

and I can't see shit!

Wait, where's Shapiro?

Doug! Hey, Shapiro!
Where are you?

- Keep it down!
- We need to keep moving.

We can't just leave him out here!

Then why don't you just run off
and go find him?

- That was mean.
- Try your phone.

- I dropped it.
- You lost it?!

- Moron!
- Shut up, skank!

Enough! He cannot
have gotten very far, okay?

- Let's go!
- All right, Marcus, come on! Let's go!

No way.
No, I'm staying right here.

No-- no need to panic, okay?

Just come down.
We gotta go get help.

All right. We'll send someone
for you tomorrow.

- Let's go.
- Wait wait! Hold up, hold up!

I'm coming. Damn it!

I'm not even supposed to be here
right now, man.

I'm supposed to be looking
at some titties, man!

What's wrong with us?

Shit. How the fuck did I get up
this goddamn tree?

Okay.

God damn it,
a branch hit me in the nuts.

This is bullshit!

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

If you shot him, aren't we safe now?

Maybe he's not a ghost.
Maybe-- maybe he's just some

sick twisted backwoods hick

who, like, snapped
and went on a killing spree.

Yeah and now he's dead
because she shot him.

Get your own theories. God!

It's a backwoods hick, huh?

Who says it's not some
spoiled little city brat

who went crazy after doing softcore porn
to get back at her parents?

Okay, for your information,

I am from the valley,
not the city.

Victor Crowley is real!

My mama always said
that sometimes

if a person dies
all traumatic-like,

then their-- their spirit

can get kinda just stuck
in the night they died.

like a poltergeist? like a ghost
that can physically move things?

No. like a ghost who could
rip someone to pieces

right in front of you.

Man, I just want to get
the hell out of here!

You know what, Jackie Tucker?
Your tour sucks my ass!

- What did you just call me?
- You heard me!

- All right.
- Say it again!

I'll say it all night,
you fake Jackie Chan Chris Tucker!

- I hear a little Emeril, you confused wannabe--
- Why don't you just get off my case, asshole?!

It was an accident,
for Christ's sake!

Okay, Look,

I'm gonna be completely
and totally honest with you guys.

- I like-- oh shit!
- What? What?

Look! Come on! Come on!

- Hey, come on!

Shit!

- Stop! Stop stop stop stop.
- This isn't my fault, all right?

- Oh, really?
- Yes, really! What, you think

I actually believe these
lame-ass ghost stories?

I'm believing it now!
Did you see that shit back there?

Guys! Guys!

I bet this means
Shapiro was here.

What a genius.

You do know the vibrator goes
in your cooch and not your ear, right?

Hey, why don't you
suck your dad off again, bitch?

- I will right after you're done.
- Fine.

Good.

All right, has anybody got a lighter?

What are you doing?

I'll show you.

looking for this.

What else do we got here?

- "Samuel M. Barrat"?
- What's that?

- Shapiro-- that's his driver's license.
- What?

I don't know. Credit card-- Samuel M. Barrat.

10 bucks, condom,
business card--

we got two sets here.

"Samuel M. Barrat,
Whitman Diagnostics

Senior Marketing Manager."

"Doug Shapiro,
Producer Director."

That asshole!

I flew all the way down here
from New York and he--

So he didn't really work for "Bayou Beavers"?

I'm thinking no.

Dude must pretend he's a producer
to get his own little collection.

- Good idea.
- That pervert!

Why are all men such slime?

I can't believe I've fallen for this shit

three times now.

Okay, whoa whoa.

Anyone else have
any more secrets?

'Cause if I find out
someone else is lying,

I swear I'll kill you myself.

I didn't really go to NYU.

It was my first choice,
but I didn't get in...

so I went to Hofstra!

We don't have time for this.

I was moving to Hollywood
next month to be famous.

And now I'm gonna die
with all you assholes!

Look, we shot him, all right?

- Nobody's gonna die.

Will somebody please shut her up?

- He's still alive.
- No, man, he looks dead as shit.

Not him-- Crowley.

But you only shot him
like once, right?

Maybe you've
got to shoot him more times,

like I don't know, four or six times.
Maybe you've got to shoot him like six times!

I want to keep moving. Can we please
keep moving? I don't want to stay here!

We should stick
to where we can see the river

so we won't get more lost.

- Shh!

- Do y'all hear that?
- What?

It's over here.

- What is that?
- Is that--

My cell phone!

♪ I don't want to wait ♪

♪ For our lives to be over ♪

♪ I want to know right now... ♪

We have a signal.

- Oh, no.
- No no no, it's a good thing.

- We can call for help.
- No!

Shit! We just went in a huge circle!

- I thought you knew your way around here.
- Oh! Said the fucking tour guide!

Hey, I don't want to hit you,
but you're making it--

- Shut the fu--
- Daddy!

I'm gonna go check out that barn,
see if there's a weapon.

There's gotta be
something else to fight back with.

- No no no. You can't go back.
- I only have a few shots left.

- We need something else.
- What if he comes back?

Then we don't have much time.

Shit.

All right. Stay here.

- Cool.

Do you have a signal on that thing?

Come on! Go through!

We shouldn't stay here.
We've got to keep moving.

Look, if it was ringing,
it has to work!

Eww! Scott Barnes called me?

What?! Will you just dial?

It won't let me.

- Work! God damn it!

I think he ate these things.

Okay.

- Shh shh shh shh! What? What?

No no no no!

No.

It's my daddy and my brother.

No!

Are you sure the number is 9-1-1?

- What else would it be, dumbass?
- Well, how should I know?

It's the South. Maybe you
have to type in a different area code.

- Oh, God.

What?

Don't move.

- I said--

Sorry.

I think we should run.

What if it's a person
and they need help?

Then we'll apologize later.

- I think there's a kid in there.

You're crazy.

If it was that monster,
we'd already be dead.

Screw this.

What is that?

Aw, hell no,
I'm not walking over there.

What if someone's hurt?

If they're still alive, they're doing
a lot better than some people we know.

We just can't leave someone
out here to die.

- Look who grew a conscience.
- Look, they might need help.

- Why me?
- Because you have a flashlight.

Fine. I get it.

I see how it is.

let the brother do it, huh?

I'm a man.
I'll walk over there.

I'm the man of the group anyway
'cause I whupped you.

All right. Yeah, all right.

- Oh shit!

- Don't touch me, man!

Damn! All right.

Let's see if
there's a little baby in there.

Hey, baby!

You up in here?

- Aw, man, it's just a--

Run!

- Oh my God!
- Oh my God! Oh my God!

Give it--

- Oh my God. No! No!

Victor, no!

No!

Please! Wait! Wait!

- Oh! No! Wait wait wait!

Die, you motherfucker!

- No!
- Shit! Ah!

- I think we're losing him.
- Ow! Hold on!

- No!
- I hurt my foot, I can't run.

- You have to!
- What are you doing? Come on!

Shut up, you redneck twat!

You... hit me!

Yeah and if you don't shut up,
I'm gonna kick your teeth out!

You cruel, stupid, slutty--

Guys, we don't have time for this!

I just want to make it stop.

- Please, I just want to wake up.
- We have to keep moving away from that house.

It don't matter.

This is his swamp.
He's just gonna kill us all.

There's gotta be something
that we can do.

He is trapped in the night
that he was killed.

He's angry and he is scared

and he's gonna mutilate
anyone that comes near him.

What if he's human?
What if he never really died?

That thing was never human.

Oh shit. Guys, battery's
not gonna last much longer.

All right, Let's go, Let's go.

- Which way?
- Um, that way.

Stop! Stop, guys!

Guys, stop!

This is useless. He's just gonna
keep coming for us till we're all dead.

Well, we can't stop running.
What else are we gonna do?

We can hurt him,

ghost or not.

Look, you saw how fast
he fell when I stuck him back there.

He went down when you shot him.

I'm saying we fight back.

How?

Misty, you got that lighter on you?

Oh, you want to fight that monster

with my lighter?

Look, there were some
gas canisters back at the shed.

- Were they full?
- I don't know. Maybe.

Wait, you want to go
back to the shed?

I thought the further we got
from the house, the safer we get?

If we don't kill him,
he'll kill us all.

You're crazy!

Ben, you don't even know
if there's gas in those cans, man.

I know it's a better chance
than we have running around in these woods

getting picked off one by one!

- No, you're right.
- Everything is soaked.

- How are we gonna start a fire?
- If one of us can get close enough

to throw that gas on him...

We can light him up.

You're all high.
No way. I am not--

- Do you have a better idea?
- No.

All right, Let's do this. How?

All right.

- Hey, buy me some time in here.
- All right.

Yell if you hear anything.

- All right.
- Okay.

- You see anything?
- Nah.

Ah!

I'm okay!

Oh!

I don't like this.

- It's too quiet.
- All right, come on.

Let's distract him.
Hey, asshole!

Come out!
We're right here!

Yeah, come out and get us, Crowley!
Where are you?

Come on, you freak!

You Look like you've been
molested by wolves!

Show yourself,
you ugly bastard!

Come and get me, Crowley!

What? You afraid I'm gonna
whip your ass again, you little bitch?

All right, come on!
One on one!

Me and you!
I'll put my foot so far in your ass,

you're gonna be pulling shoelaces
out your teeth for a week!

You see anything?

Nothing.

- Oh shit! Ben, get out of there!
- Ben!

- Hurry up! Get out!
- Oh!

Ooh!

Come on!

- Yes! Burn, bitch!

You gotta be fucking kidding me!

- Now what?
- Just come on! Let's go! Let's go!

Ben!

Ben! Hey!
Look at me!

All this bought us is time.
Don't waste it. Come on!

This way. There's got to be a path
that leads into the cemetery.

Shit.

Over here.

Shit.

All right. Let's follow this
till we find an opening.

- There it is.

- Thank God.

- He's gonna get me! Go!

There's a gate!

Oh shit!

Shit! Oh!
He's got me!

- Ow! Guys!

You guys are gonna
break me in half!

- That was the only gate.
- Aw damn, man!

- It's back into the woods!

- No!

- Let him go!

- Run!
- No! Come on!

Ow! Oh!

- Ow! Oh!

- Come on!

Oh shit! Ow!

Come on!

No.

No!

Marcus! No!

I can't--
I can't go any further.

Yes, you can!

Come on!

I think hear the river.
Please, come on.

- No!
- We're not gonna die out here, okay?

- Come on!

Oh God.

No! No!

No! You'll get eaten
alive in there.

Then where do we go?

- No!
- Go away! Run!

Push against the pole
with your knee!

- Come on.

- Ah!

- I got you. I got you.

Okay. Okay okay.

That's my daddy's boat.

Come on. Come on.

Here.

Use this.

Hey. Hey. Thanks...

for sticking with me back there.

No.

I miss my daddy...

and Ainsley.

Listen.

We're alive.

We made it.

I know.

No! Come-- Marybeth!

Marybeth!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Bitch bitch bitch ♪

♪ Sex sex sex
and don't forget ♪

♪ The violence... ♪

♪ Babble babble, bitch bitch,
rebel rebel, ah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Babble babble, bitch bitch,
rebel rebel, ah ♪

♪ Everybody sing along ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Everything has been
said before ♪

♪ Nothing left to say
anymore ♪

♪ When it's all the same ♪

♪ You can ask for it by name ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Babble babble, bitch bitch,
rebel rebel, party party ♪

♪ Sex sex sex,
don't forget the violence ♪

♪ Blah blah blah,
got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonely... ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Are you motherfuckers ready
for the new shit? ♪

♪ Stand up and admit
tomorrow's never coming ♪

♪ This is the new shit ♪

♪ Stand up and admit ♪

- ♪ Do we get it? ♪
- ♪ No ♪

- ♪ Do we want it? ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ This is the new shit ♪

♪ Stand up and admit. ♪

♪ Babble babble ♪

♪ Bitch bitch ♪

♪ Rebel rebel ♪

♪ Party party ♪

♪ Sex ♪

♪ Sex sex and don't forget ♪

♪ The violence ♪

♪ Blah blah blah ♪

♪ Are you motherfuckers ready ♪

♪ For the new shit? ♪