Original subtitles

>> Man: WE DID NOTHING!

>> Man 2: LET GO!

DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

I'M COUSIN TO THE KING OF ENGLAND!

SECOND ONLY TO THE DUKE OF SUSSEX!

>> Masked rider: DOWN!

>> Man 2: GET OFF ME!

>> Man: UNHAND ME, YOU PEASANTS!

>> Man 2: RELEASE US!

>> BENEDICTUS DEUS IN ANGELIS SUIS, ET IN SANCTIS SUIS.

NO LO PRETENDE.

DEFENDE NOS IN PROELIO.

AD MAJOREM DEI GLORIAM.

>> Man 2: LET HIM GO!

I'M THE ONE YOU WANT!

HE'S INNOCENT!

>> IN VIOLATION OF PAPAL DECREE,

FOR THE CRIME OF NON-COITAL INTERCOURSE OF AN ANAL NATURE,

AND UNDER THE AUTHORIZATION OF HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS, KING PHILIP,

YOU ARE HEREBY FORTHWITH SENTENCED TO BE PUT TO DEATH

AND DAMNATION!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, MAN?

>> THANK YOU FOR HOLDING,

MISS TAYLOR.

>> Oh, ho ho, thank you my ass!

That was the fourth time you've put me on hold.

I've had enough.

Do you even know what you're doing?

Can you solve my problem or not,

yes or no?

>> AT THE MOMENT, NO MA'AM, I CAN'T, I'VE GOT, YOU KNOW--

>> Yeah, I'm gonna need to speak to your manager.

>> YEAH, I'M AFRAID THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, SHE'S, UH--

>> No, you need to make that happen.

The one thing that you could make happen today, you need

to make that happen.

Get your manager on the phone right now!

>> O.K., ONE MOMENT, PLEASE HOLD.

>> No, no, no!

Don't you dare fucking--

>> Man: ♪ I SAW YOUR PICTURE AT THE BOOTH ♪

♪ AND THERE'S A UNIFORMED MAN HERE WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ AND YOU SMASHED YOUR CAMERA

ON THE WALL... ♪ >> Woman: IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S

LIKE A FERRARI OR SOMETHING THAT YOU GOTTA ORDER THE PARTS

FROM ITALY.

YOU JUST RUN TO PEP BOYS AND GO GET 'EM!

YEAH, NO NO NO, I'M STILL HERE.

WELL, THAT'LL HAVE TO DO THEN.

BYE.

>> ♪ ...AND YOU WON'T CATCH ME RUNNIN' ♪

♪ TRY AND CATCH ME JUMPIN'... ♪

♪ OOH, WHOA... >> Customer service man: HELLO?

SHELLY?

>> I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, HONEY!

HI, HONEY!

>> WHAT'S UP?

>> WELL, I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH THE CAR PEOPLE.

MY CAR'S GONNA BE AT LEAST ANOTHER WEEK, SO, WE GOTTA TAKE

YOUR CAR.

>> MY CAR.

>> SWEETHEART-- >> WE GOTTA DRIVE TO COLORADO

IN MY CAR?

>> YEAH!

>> ♪ SO THEY CHECKED OUR BAGS

FOR A STOWAWAY ♪ ♪ AND BY LAND OR BY SEA,

YOU COULDN'T GET AWAY ♪ >> HONEY, NOBODY'S FAMILY

IS NORMAL.

>> WELL, YOU'VE NOT MET MY FAMILY.

>> NO, I HAVEN'T-- >> LOOK, IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

I'LL CALL DAD, I'LL TELL HIM, I'LL TELL HIM BOTH OUR CARS ARE

BROKEN DOWN...

>> GET IN THE CAR.

>> IT'S GONNA HAP-- NO, LOOK-- >> I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

GET IN THE CAR, JASON!

>> I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS A BAD, THIS IS A BAD MOVE.

>> JUST, COME ON.

>> ♪ ...YOU WON'T CATCH ME

RUNNIN' ♪ ♪ TRY AND CATCH ME

JUMPIN' ♪ ♪ WHOA, OH...

♪ WHOA, OH...

>> SO THIS IS IT, HUH?

>> WHAT, WHAT IS IT?

>> LOOK, MY BROTHER TODD'S PROBABLY GONNA HIT ON YOU.

JUST LETTING YOU KNOW.

>> O.K., WELL, UM...

THANK YOU FOR THE HEADS UP.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> YOU'RE NERVOUS, I KNOW.

COME HERE.

COME ON.

OH...

>> UNBELIEVABLE.

HE WAS JUST CHECKING US OUT.

>> WAS THAT TODD?

>> YES, HE WAS SITTING THERE THE WHOLE TIME, CHECKING US OUT,

I GUARANTEE YOU.

>> HEY, TODD, THIS ONE'S FROM DAD.

>> REALLY?

DAD, THANK YOU.

>> I...

>> JASON, THIS ONE'S FROM DAD TOO.

>> OH... ALL RIGHT...

>> Shelly: THAT'S NICE.

>> Jason: YEAH.

THANKS, DAD.

>> THOSE ARE GREAT SCREWDRIVERS, BOTH PHILLIPS AND FLAT-HEADS,

SO...

>> Todd: DAD...

DAD, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

THIS IS...

DAD, THIS IS WONDERFUL.

>> I CAN USE THESE, I REALLY CAN... I'LL BET SHE'LL PUT ME

TO WORK.

>> DAD, SERIOUSLY?

YOU SHOULD NOT, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE.

>> WELL, GOOD, GLAD YOU LIKE IT.

>> GUESS I'LL OPEN MY GIFT FROM DAD NOW.

OH, MY GOD!

>> YEAH, THAT'S TOP OF THE LINE, SON.

>> A MITER SAW!

>> Dad: GOT MORE FEATURES THAN A CHINESE ROLEX.

>> George: THIS IS A CARBIDE TIP!

>> THAT'S SOMETHING THERE, GEORGE, THAT'S NICE STUFF.

>> Jason: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

BIG GIFT...

♪ TAH-DAH

"THE DIAMOND STORE".

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANNA OPEN IT FOR ME?

>> NO, OPEN IT.

COME ON.

>> OH!

HONEY, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

>> YEAH?

>> YEAH, THANK YOU.

>> DID I DO GOOD?

>> YEAH, YOU DID REALLY GOOD.

OH, HERE.

>> Todd: WOW.

>> Dad: OH, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

>> Shelly: YEAH, THANKS.

>> JASON...

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT, MAN.

I'M TALKING ABOUT SHELLY OVER HERE.

WHAT KIND OF TRICK DID YOU PULL?

HOW DID YOU GET HER?

SHELLY, IT'S HARD FOR ME TO TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU.

>> Shelly: THANK YOU.

>> Todd: YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN, MAN, A LUCKY MAN.

>> Jason: YEAH, I KNOW.

I KNOW.

>> Dad: DIG IN, EVERYBODY.

>> Todd's girlfriend: THANKS, DAD.

>> George: WOW, DAD, THANKS.

>> Shelly: LOOKS GREAT.

>> Todd: LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

SO, UH, JASON AND SHELLY, HOW LONG ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER NOW?

>> UH, ALMOST THREE YEARS.

>> WOW.

THREE YEARS. DO I HEAR WEDDING BELLS?

>> UM...

HEY, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT.

>> Shelly: MM-HMM. >> YEAH.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> Jason: YEAH, YOU KNOW, JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME.

>> Todd: YEAH, NO, TOTALLY.

>> WE'VE BEEN REALLY BUSY.

>> MM-HMM.

>> SO, WHAT ABOUT...

WHAT ABOUT YOU TWO?

YOU GUYS BEEN DATING HOW LONG?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? UM...

I DON'T KNOW. WE WERE PRETTY WASTED, YOU KNOW,

WHEN I PICKED HER UP, SO IT'S HARD TO TELL.

>> TODD... TODD, UM...

>> HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN GOING OUT, BABY?

LIKE, THREE WEEKS?

>> TWO MONTHS... ACTUALLY.

>> Todd: YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW...

I'VE BEEN REALLY BUSY LATELY TOO, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT... UM,

GOT SOME BANKING THINGS COOKING.

UH, BEEN WORKING ON DIVERSIFYING MY PORTFOLIO.

YOU KNOW, ROTH I.R.A.s, THAT SORT OF DEAL.

RISK ASSESSMENT, BUT UH, DOING VERY WELL.

MAKING A LOT OF MONEY.

>> OH.

>> WHAT, UM...

WHAT EXACTLY IS A ROTH I.R.A.?

WELL, BASICALLY, JASON, IT'S UM,

IT'S A WAY OF MAKING YOUR MONEY WORK FOR YOU RATHER THAN YOU

WORKING FOR YOUR MONEY.

>> George: WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU MAKE THE MONEY WORK FOR YOU RATHER THAN YOU WORKING

FOR THE MONEY?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, GEORGE.

JASON, YOU KNOW, I'D BE HAPPY TO SIT DOWN AND SHOW YOU HOW.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE STILL DOING THE WHOLE, UH,

STARVING ARTIST THING OR NOT, BUT IF NOT, YOU KNOW, EVEN WITH

JUST, YOU KNOW, WITH A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY, YOU CAN MAKE

HUGE PROFITS.

>> YEAH, I'M STILL DOING THE STARVING ARTIST THING,

BUT, THANKS, APPRECIATE IT.

I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, MAN, THAT'S GREAT, I'M GLAD

YOU'RE MAKING MONEY.

THAT'S GREAT.

>> THANKS, MAN.

>> I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE THAT CIRCUIT CITY HAD SUCH

GREAT BENEFITS.

THINK YOU COULD HOOK ME UP WITH A JOB THERE? YEAH?

SINCE YOU'RE DOING SO WELL?

>> CIRCUIT CITY?

>> YEAH... I USED TO...

IT'S AN INSIDE JOKE, BABE.

HE'S JUST BEING AN IDIOT.

DAD, YOU KNOW THIS TURKEY ISN'T BAD.

>> WELL, THANK YOU, TODD.

>> Todd: IT'S ALMOST EDIBLE.

>> IT'S, UM, REALLY MOIST.

>> Dad: OH WELL, THANK YOU, SHELLY.

I'LL NEVER BE THE COOK YOUR MOM WAS, GOD BLESS HER SOUL.

I REALLY WISH SHE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TODAY.

>> George: MOM'S COOKING WAS THE BEST, WASN'T IT, DAD?

I MISS HER TOO.

>> Dad: YEAH.

>> George: I MISS HER A LOT.

>> Dad: YEAH, I REALLY MISS HER.

>> WHY ARE YOU GUYS TALKING LIKE MOM'S DEAD?

>> I WASN'T.

I INVITED HER.

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE WITH HER FAMILY.

>> YEAH, SHE'S OFF ON A CRUISE WITH HER JACKASS BOYFRIEND,

MARK.

I DON'T LIKE THAT GUY.

I DON'T LIKE HIM ONE BIT.

HE'S JUST USING HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SHE'S A SUCKER IF SHE THINKS HE'S GONNA MARRY HER.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT MOM WHEN SHE'S NOT HERE TO DEFEND

HERSELF?

>> OH, WHAT-- LIKE, LIKE, LIKE WE'RE ATTACKING MOM WHEN SHE'S

NOT HERE OR SOMETHING?

>> YEAH, OR SOMETHING.

>> O.K., O.K., COME ON, LET'S HAVE A PEACEFUL DINNER HERE.

>> GOD, JASON, YOU'RE SUCH A MAMA'S BOY, MAN.

>> Dad: TODD...

>> Todd: NO REALLY, WITH MOM, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE'S WRONG

OR RIGHT, DUDE, YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD A WEIRD THING WHEN IT COMES

TO MOM.

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

>> IT MEANS THAT YOU'RE A MAMA'S BOY, THAT'S ALL, IT'S O.K.

WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU A NEW NAME TODAY.

JASON'S NEW NAME IS "MAMA'S BOY".

>> Dad: TODD...

>> UNBELIEVABLE.

>> TODD.

>> WOULD YOU PASS THE POTATOES, MAMA'S BOY?

>> Dad: TODD?

>> OH, SORRY.

WOULD YOU PLEASEPASS THE POTATOES?

PLEASE?

MAMA'S BOY.

>> FUCK YOU, TODD.

>> WHOA... JEEZ...

>> Dad: YOU KNOW WE DON'T TALK THAT WAY IN THIS HOUSE!

I BRUNG YOU UP BETTER THAN THAT!

>> WELL, TELL HIM TO SHUT UP!

>> I'VE TOLD HIM TO SHUT UP.

>> I MEAN, HE'S COMING AT ME AND YOU'RE SAYING "JASON!"

>> WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE FOUL LANGUAGE.

THE ONE WHO'S DOING THE FOUL LANGUAGE IS THE ONE WHO GETS

YELLED AT.

WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE THAT IN THIS HOUSE.

>> LOOK AT THIS, DAD!

YOU ALWAYS TAKE HIS SIDE ON EVERYTHING, DAD.

>> I DO NOT TAKE HIS SIDE ON EVERYTHING. >> YES, YOU DO!

>> I DO NOT! >> YES, YOU DO.

>> Shelly: IT'S O.K., HONEY.

>> NO, IT'S NOT O.K.

ALL RIGHT? I MEAN...

COME ON, JUST COME CLEAN WITH IT, DAD.

GEORGE IS YOUR FAVORITE, DICKHEAD'S YOUR SECOND

AND I'M THIRD-- IT'S THE TRUTH!

>> LANGUAGE.

>> Dad: ENOUGH OF THIS PROFANE TALK, WE'RE NOT HAVING THAT KIND

OF VULGARITY AT THIS TABLE.

>> PLEASE, LET'S, LET'S NOT GANG UP ON JASON, O.K.?

I'M PLAYING A PART IN THIS TOO.

I THINK THAT HE'S GOT A GOOD POINT.

JASON IS AN ARTIST.

AND BY NATURE, ARTISTS ARE VOLATILE, SENSITIVE HUMAN

BEINGS, SO, I THINK THAT WE SHOULD DISCUSS THIS OPENLY

AS A FAMILY.

I'D LIKE TO BEGIN, IF THAT'S O.K., JASON?

>> BE MY GUEST.

>> YOU KNOW WHY, WHY YOU'RE THE LEAST FAVORITE, RIGHT?

>> WHAT, YOU GOT SOME INSIGHT ON THIS?

>> YEAH, I DO.

>> OH, REALLY?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S HEAR IT.

>> YOU'RE ADOPTED, JASON.

>> TODD, THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> Jason: THAT'S GOOD.

>> Todd: ASK DAD.

>> THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> ASK DAD? >> ASK HIM.

>> Dad: TODD...

>> THAT'S GOOD, MAN.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

>> Dad: BOYS-- >> Todd: I CAN PROVE IT.

I HAVE PROOF.

>> OH, YOU CAN PROVE IT?

>> DAD'S DESK DRAWER.

YEAH, THE TOP DRAWER, THE SECRET DRAWER, THE ONE WITH THE KEY?

>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> JUST ASK DAD FOR THE KEY AND CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF.

>> Dad: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> INSIDE YOU'LL FIND YOUR ADOPTION PAPERS, YOUR ADOPTION

BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND YOUR ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

>> Dad: TODD, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT'S IN MY DRAWER.

>> Todd: DAD, I KNOW.

YOU LEFT IT OPEN ONE DAY AND I PEEKED IN AND I SAW IT,

SO DAD, I KNOW.

>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU, ALL RIGHT, BUT THERE'S NO

ADOPTION PAPERS IN THAT DRAWER.

>> THEY'RE IN THERE.

>> Dad: THEY'RE NOTIN THERE.

>> THEY'RE IN THERE.

>> Dad: JASON-- >> HE'S AFRAID TO TELL YA, BUT

THIS IS THE GOD'S HONEST TRUTH!

JASON-- >> Dad: TODD! TODD!

>> I SWEAR TO GOD-- >> Dad, bangs table:

THAT'S ENOUGH!

THIS IS IT! I'M TELLING YOU AGAIN, I'M NOT TELLING YOU ALL,

BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP!

>> I'M NOT LYING TO YOU.

>> SHUT UP!

>> YOU'RE ADOPTED, JASON.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> Dad: TODD!

GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW!

>> YOU'RE KICKING ME OUT?

>> YEAH, I'M KICKING YOU OUT!

RIGHT NOW!

>> I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

>> YES, YOU DID!

>> I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH, DAD!

>> SHUT UP! YOU'RE JUST PROVOKING HIM!

ALL YOU'RE TRYING TO DO IS START SOMETHING!

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE, YOU WANT ME OUT, I'LL GO-- COME ON, BABY,

LET'S GO, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM FOR THE KEY, MAMA'S BOY?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD, FORGET IT.

WE'RE GONNA GET A HOTEL.

>> JASON! JASON-- >> AND I'LL CALL MOM, MAYBE SHE

CAN TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. >> Dad: SHELLY--

>> COME ON, BABE, LET'S GO.

>> Todd, laughing: CLASSIC!

MAMA'S BOY CALLING HIS MOMMY!

>> Jason: GET OUT OF MY WAY.

>> JASON, I'M GONNA GET OUR STUFF AND I'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE!

>> THAT'S AWESOME!

"I WANT MY MOMMY!

I WANT MY MOMMY!" GO GIVE HER A CALL, JASON.

CALL MOM, I WANT YOU TO HEAR.

>> OUT OF MY WAY, TODD.

>> OR ELSE WHAT?

>> OR ELSE...

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.

>> YOU'RE GONNA KICK MY ASS?

>> Dad: GET OFF AND GET OUT!

>> TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT.

>> AH, FUCK.

THE FUCKIN' COPS.

>> Dad: AH, JEEZ, GUYS.

I'M SORRY, I...

I DON'T KNOW WHO CALLED Y'ALL, BUT THIS WAS ACTUALLY-- WE WERE

JUST HAVING A NICE, QUIET CHRISTMAS... DINNER AND, UH,

IT KIND OF GOT OUT OF HAND, YOU KNOW...

>> HE PUNCHED ME IN THE FUCKING NOSE! >> ALL RIGHT, RELAX. TODD.

>> I'D LIKE TO MAKE A CITIZEN'S ARREST.

>> HOW'D IT START?

FUCKIN' LIKE 33 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS BORN IS HOW IT ALL STARTED.

>> STAND UP. STAND UP.

>> I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

>> I KNOW. RELAX.

ALL I'M GONNA DO IS CHECK AND SEE IF YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE

WRONG WITH YOU OR ANY WEAPONS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

YOU GOT ANYTHING ON YOU? >> NO.

>> GOT ANYTHING ON YOU?

>> NO, SIR. >> YOU O.K.?

>> NO. >> HEY, TIGER.

POLICE OFFICER. STOP!

>> TODD!

>> WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT...?

>> POLICE! STOP!

>> I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

>> GO AROUND.

GO AROUND THE OTHER WAY!

>> KRISTEN!

>> George: OH, MY GOD.

>> KRISTEN, BABY! COME ON!

GET IN THE CAR, BABE!

>> TODD! STOP OR I'M GONNA TASE YOU!

>> DADDY! DADDY!

>> STAND BACK. STAND BACK.

>> COME ON, MAN.

>> STAND BACK.

>> AAH!

>> DON'T MACE MY BROTH-- >> STAY DOWN. STAY BACK.

STAY DOWN.

>> TODD!

>> THEY'RE DOWN! THEY'RE DOWN!

CAN'T YOU SEE THEY'RE DOWN?

THAT'S ENOUGH.

>> Shelly: UGH!

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT WE DO.

WE GO STRAIGHT IN.

NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, WE IGNORE HIM.

WE JUST GO STRAIGHT TO THE ROOM.

YOU WITH ME?

>> YOU'RE BEING IRRATIONAL.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A CHILD.

>> IRRAT-- OH!

>> OPEN THE CAR. COME ON.

>> OH! >> STOP-- REAL MATURE, BABE.

>> CRAZY. >> THAT'S GREAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

>> SHIT.

OVERBROOK ADOPTION HOUSE.

SHIT.

>> ALL RIGHT, WHOA! DAD!

DAD! JESUS! PUT THAT DOWN! DAD.

>> JASON. WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DESK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING GOING THROUGH MY DESK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING GOING THROUGH MY PRIVATE THINGS?

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT'S IN HERE! >> George: DAD?

>> AND YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH AND POKING AROUND?

I HAVE THINGS IN HERE THAT ARE PERSONAL!

>> DAD, IS EVERYTHING O.K.?

>> IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT'S IN HERE!

>> Jason: DAD, WHAT IS THIS?

WHY IS MY NAME ON HERE?

>> WHAT, WHAT IS THAT, DAD?

>> DAD, ANSWER ME.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

"OVERBROOK ADOPTION AGENCY"?

"AUSTIN, TEXAS"?

"JASON ROBERTSON."

"TODD ROBERTSON."

>> George: DAD?

ARE, ARE JASON AND TODD ADOPTED?

>> YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

TAKE A LOOK.

WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> IT DOESN'T MATTER WHOSE NAME IS ON THOSE PAPERS.

YOU'RE MY SON AND I LOVE YOU.

BOTH OF YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THOSE ADOPTION PAPERS SAY.

OH, GOD.

KEEP DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT TO WITH THEM.

>> DAD.

>> SO... SO I GUESS...

IT SAYS "BABY WILLIAMS."

I GUESS, UH... THAT'S MY NAME.

>> MM... WOW.

HEY, BABY...

I'LL SEE YOU UPSTAIRS, O.K.?

>> O.K.

>> Dad: COME ON. HAVE A SEAT.

WE ALWAYS MEANT TO TELL YOU WHEN WE FOUND A GOOD TIME,

BUT...

WE NEVER JUST FOUND A GOOD TIME.

AND THE YEARS WENT BY, AND...

NEXT THING YOU KNOW Y'ALL ARE... SEVEN AND EIGHT

AND...

YOU KNOW, IT WAS JUST...

AWKWARD BY THEN, AND WE...

I KNOW I'VE MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES...

BUT I ALWAYS LOVED YOU AND I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR FATHER.

BUT I ALWAYS LOVED YOU AND I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR FATHER.

>> CHRISTMAS.

THEY'RE NOT OPEN TILL MONDAY.

>> I'M SORRY, BABY.

>> YEAH.

BABY...

YOU HAVE A FULL WEEK OF VACATION, RIGHT?

>> YEAH. WHY?

>> LET'S JUST DRIVE TO AUSTIN.

LET'S JUST DRIVE TO THE ADOPTION AGENCY AND MAYBE I CAN GET

SOME ANSWERS.

I MEAN, I WANT TO FIND OUT.

I WANT TO, I WANT TO KNOW.

>> Todd: ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN, MAN.

>> Jason: WHAT?

>> I WANT TO GO WITH YOU.

>> YOU OWE ME, DUDE.

>> YEAH, MAN, I DO OWE YOU.

I OWE YOU FOR SHARING THAT WITH ME. YOU'RE AWESOME.

>> JASON, COME ON, MAN.

>> YOU'RE AN AWESOME BROTHER, MAN.

>> I CAN, I CAN HELP.

>> APPRECIATE IT.

>> I CAN HELP, MAN.

LISTEN TO ME.

I'LL PAY FOR THE GAS.

I'M SORRY, O.K.?

I'M A DICKHEAD.

ALL RIGHT? THERE, I SAID IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN? FINE.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

GOOD LUCK STARTING YOUR CAR.

PUT THAT IN THE HOLE RIGHT THERE.

THERE YOU GO, YOU GOT IT.

>> Shelly: FUCK OFF, TODD.

>> FUCK YOU TOO, BUDDY.

FUCK YOUR ASS, MAN.

FUCK YOUR ASS.

>> Shelly: SO I NEED AN

EIGHT-LETTER WORD FOR "MISSING AT SEA."

>> CASTAWAY.

>> CASTAWAY? THAT'S ONE WORD?

>> CASTAWAY.

>> SEVEN, EIGHT.

YES!

CASTAWAY. YOU MAKE ME SICK.

SO, NOW I NEED...

"BANJO SOUND."

>> NO WAY.

>> STRUM?

WAIT, THAT DOESN'T WORK.

"S" DOES.

>> YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

>> WELL, NO, I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT EASY. IT'S--

>> NO, NO, NO, NO!

>> WHAT? WHAT?

>> NO!

TODD'S BACK THERE!

>> WHAT?

>> I SWEAR TO GOD HE'S BACK THERE.

>> WHERE? WHERE?

>> BACK THERE.

THE BROWN LINCOLN. SEE IT?

>> OH, NO WAY. >> YES.

>> NO. >> YES.

>> WELL, GO FASTER, HONEY.

>> "GO FASTER."

BABY, I'M AT TOP SPEED AT 55.

I'M GONNA PULL OVER.

>> OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

DO NOT PULL OVER. >> YES, I AM.

>> JASON, DON'T PULL OVER. NO!

>> BABY...

>> I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

>> WELL, I CAN'T OUTRUN HIM.

>> I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO HIM. I'LL TALK TO HIM.

>> I DO NOT WANT THAT MAN FOLLOWING ME.

>> I'LL HANDLE IT.

>> HE CREEPS ME OUT.

HE'S GOT THE GOATEE.

HE BLINKS TOO MUCH.

>> I'LL HANDLE IT.

HEY, COME ON! I SEE YOU!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

>> THE STARS AT NIGHT ARE BIG AND BRIGHT

DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TEXAS.

>> IT'S A FREE COUNTRY, MAN.

IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.

THESE ARE PUBLIC ROADS.

I CAN GO WHEREVER THE HELL I WANT TO GO.

>> TODD!

JUST GO HOME.

>> BABY, PLEASE, PLEASE.

PLEASE.

PLEASE, PLEASE GO HOME, MAN.

PLEASE. COME ON.

I'M NOT GONNA PLAY THIS GAME WITH YOU, MAN.

THIS IS RETARDED.

>> NO, YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME, MAN. >> WHAT GAME?

I'M NOT PLAYING A GAME WITH YOU.

>> ME AND YOU. ME AND YOU.

>> NO.

>> I'M GONNA WIN.

>> NO, YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN.

>> I'M GONNA WIN.

>> OH, YEAH.

I DON'T THINK SO.

>> ALL RIGHT, O.K.

LET'S PLAY GAMES, JASON.

GLOVES ARE OFF.

LET'S PLAY GAMES.

SCISSOR, SCISSOR, SCISSOR, ROCK, ROCK, ROCK, PAPER,

SCISSOR, SCISSOR, PAPER, PAPER, ROCK, ROCK.

JASON, COME ON, MAN.

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, DUDE.

>> I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP, TODD.

>> JASON...

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> NOTHING. IT'S COOL, BABY.

>> HE'S STILL FOLLOWING US.

>> I KNOW.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I GOT A PLAN.

WHAT?

>> YOU SAID YOU HAD A PLAN.

>> I DO.

LOOK, WE JUST OUTLAST HIM,

ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, THERE'S TWO OF US, THERE'S ONE OF HIM.

HE'S GOT TO SLEEP AT SOME POINT.

WE'LL KEEP DRIVING THROUGH THE NIGHT.

WE JUST BEAT HIM THROUGH ATTRITION.

>> ATTRITION?

ATTRITION, JASON?

REALLY?

THIS IS QUALITY TIME.

THIS IS A... A-GAME VACATION.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> I'M CHANGING THE PLAN, ALL RIGHT? HAPPY?

SEE? LOOK, LOOK.

WE'LL LOSE HIM RIGHT HERE.

DAMN IT.

>> OH, I THINK YOU LOST HIM!

OH, NO.

>> BABY, PLEASE.

PLEASE LET ME HANDLE THIS.

>> THIS IS FUN.

>> LOOK, YOU WANTED ME TO LOSE HIM, RIGHT?

YOU WANTED ME TO...

>> THIS IS SO-- >> I GOT IT, I GOT IT,

ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS GONNA WORK.

>> MM-HMM.

>> THIS IS GONNA WORK.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

COME ON, BABY. COME ON.

WHOO, HA-HA!

>> Todd: COME ON!

>> HA-HA! YES!

I GOT YOU, BUDDY.

>> MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

COME ON, MAN!

>> Jason: HOLD ON, BABY.

I'M GETTING US OUT OF HERE.

>> HEY, BOSS, I WILL

HAVE YOUR JOB.

I WILL HAVE YOUR JOB.

FUCK YOUR ASS, MAN.

>> Jason: ALL RIGHT!

DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?

DID YOU SEE THAT, BABY?

>> YEAH, I SAW IT.

>> THAT WAS AWESOME.

I'M GUNNING IT.

I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

I'M GONNA CUT THE LIGHTS.

>> WHAT... >> NO, THAT WAY-- >> JASON, TURN ON THE LIGHTS!

>> NO, NO, I GOT TO-- >> TURN ON THE LIGHTS, JASON!

>> BABY, I'M DRIVING.

I GOT IT, ALL RIGHT?

>> TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS BEFORE I

STRANGLE YOU!

>> WHAT THE FUCK?

>> Todd: I'M SORRY YOU WRECKED YOUR CAR, MAN.

THAT SUCKS.

I'M S...

IF I... HAD, YOU KNOW, A SMALL ROLE

IN, IN LEADING UP TO THAT TOO, I, I'M...

MY BAD, MAN.

MY BAD.

WHAT?

>> LOOK, MAN, I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU JUST DIDN'T TALK

FOR A WHILE, O.K.?

>> O.K.

O.K.

YOU'RE RIGHT, SORRY, YEAH.

SILENCE IS GOOD.

SI... SILENCE ISGOOD.

...SO, THE WAY I FIGURE IT, WITH MY SUPERIOR GENETICS

AND INTELLECT, WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TRACK DOWN OUR BIRTH PARENTS

IN THREE DAYS, TOPS.

NO PROBLEM.

>> SUPERIOR GENETICS AND INTELLECT?

>> YEAH. YEAH. ABSOLUTELY.

THE OLDER SIBLING IS ALWAYS SUPERIOR, SHELLY.

THEY GET THE BETTER GENETICS.

SMARTER, STRONGER, ET CETERA, ET CETERA.

IT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT.

I SAW IT ON DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

>> THAT'S GREAT.

O.K., TODD, FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE A DUMB-ASS, O.K.?

SECOND OF ALL...

WE'RE NOT SIBLINGS.

WE'RE NOT GENETICALLY RELATED.

>> WE WERE RAISED UNDER THE SAME ROOF, IN THE SAME ENVIRONMENT...

WE'RE BROTHERS.

>> NOT BY BLOOD.

>> JASON....

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA FIND THEM WITHOUT ME?

>> I'LL FIND THEM.

>> SERIOUSLY.

THINK ABOUT IT, MAN.

LOOK, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN BETTER AT EVERYTHING AND I'M GONNA BE...

I'M GONNA BE BETTER AT THIS TOO.

>> O.K. >> ANYTHING WE'VE EVER DONE, I'VE BEEN BETTER.

SPORTS... LOOKS...

SCORED HIGHER ON MY S.A.T.s IT'S TRUE.

I'M STRONGER... EVERYTHING.

>> YOU'RE NOT STRONGER THAN ME.

>> YES, I AM.

>> NO. YOU'RE NOT.

>>: YES, I AM.

>> I'VE BEATEN YOU AT PLENTY OF THINGS.

>> LIKE WHAT? NAME ONE THING.

NAME ONE THING.

>> HORSESHOES.

>> HORSESHOES?

>> YES.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU'RE GAY.

>> OH, O.K.

THAT'S GAY.

O.K., UH, TENNIS.

>> NOT TRUE. >> GOLF.

>> WHAT HE SAYS IS FALSE.

>> NO. IT IS TRUE.

>> EVEN IN STUPID CONTESTS LIKE ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, I

WOULD COMPLETELY DOMINATE HIM.

YOU WANNA GO, MAN?

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS?

COME ON. COME ON, LET'S GO. >> TODD...

>> ROCK... ROCK.

>> TODD. >> ROCK.

PAPER, PAPER, ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS. >> I'M NOT...

>> ROCK, ROCK?

PAPER, SCISSORS. >> GROW UP.

>> PAPER, SCISSORS, ROCK, ROCK.

PAPER, PAPER, SCISSORS, SCISSOR.

SCISSORS, ROCK, SCISSORS, PAPER, PAPER, PAPER, SCISSORS, PAPER,

SCISSORS... >> GOD...

>> ROCK, ROCK, PAPER.

>> TODD, I'M NOT GONNA PLAY YOU.

>> SCISSORS. SCISSORS, SCISSORS.

>> I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY YOU AT ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS.

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.

>> COME ON...

>> TEST OF STRENGTH.

TEST OF STRENGTH.

>> COME ON, MAN.

>> YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE STRONGER THAN ME, SO YOU CAN...

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEMONSTRATE THAT

VERY EASILY, RIGHT?

>> I'M NOT GOING TO ARM WRESTLE YOU HERE IN THIS RESTAURANT.

>> SHELLY, HE SAID... RIGHT?

HE SAID THAT...

HE SAID, "I'M STRONGER.

I, JASON, AM STRONGER THAN YOU, TODD."

THAT'S, THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

>> YEAH, NO, I HEARD HIM, TODD.

IT'S JUST THAT IT'S STUPID AND IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU DON'T... >> BUT THIS WILL PROVE... THIS WILL PROVE...

THIS WILL PROVE...

>> BUT WHO CARES?

>> I CARE.

I CARE, JASON.

>> ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

>> YEAH? >> ALL RIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> LET'S DO IT.

O.K.?

COUNT OF THREE, ALL RIGHT?

>> SURE.

>> ONE... TWO...

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA...

CHEATING... BAD ANGLE.

>> THREE.

>> THAT'S A BAD ANGLE.

>> COME ON, MAN.

>> THAT ALL YOU GOT, MAN?

>> Jason: OW! JESUS....

>> WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT WAS THAT?" YOU LET GO. >> NO.

>> YEAH, YOU DID.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO.

>> YES, YES, YES, YES.

>> UNBELIEVABLE.

...I DIDN'T PULL AWAY, MAN-- YOU LET GO.

>> Jason: NO, I DIDN'T, DUDE.

YOU LET GO.

>> NO, NO, NO.

YOU GOT SCARED, AND YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO EMBARRASS YOU

IN FRONT OF YOUR GIRL, SO YOU TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT AND

YOU DECIDED TO BE A PUSSY, MAN.

>> OH, COME ON.

WHO WAS THE ONE?

"BAD... BAD ANGLE.

BAD... HOLD ON.

WAIT, WAIT-- BAD ANGLE."

>> YOU'RE A CHEATER.

>> OH, I'M A CHEATER.

WHATEVER, DUDE.

>> SHELLY? SHELLY?

WHO WAS THE PUSSY BACK THERE?

SHELLY? WHO WAS THE PUSSY?

WAS IT ME OR WAS IT JASON?

>> CAN WE JUST DRIVE IN SILENCE, PLEASE?

>> Todd: O.K.

ALL RIGHT.

FINE, MAN.

WE SETTLE THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

FREEZE OUT!

FREEZE OUT, BABY!

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> THE FIRST ONE WHO ROLLS UP HIS WINDOW IS THE PUSSY!

>> O.K.... O.K., YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS ALL THE WAY?

>> I'LL GO ALL THE WAY.

>> ALL RIGHT, NO SHIRTS.

NO JACKETS, ALL RIGHT?

>>: O.K.!

NOW WE'RE TALKING!

CHILD'S PLAY, MAMA'S BOY.

>> Shelly: O.K., I ROLLED UP MY WINDOW-- I AM THE FUCKING PUSSY.

O.K., YOU GUYS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

>> Todd: THAT DOESN'T COUNT, SHELLY-- THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND

JASON. >> Jason: OH, YEAH...

>> YEAH, THIS IS REALLY MACHO, YOU GUYS. >> OH...

>> GIVE ME THAT.

YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS.

JESUS...

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN.

YOU DOING ALL RIGHT?

>> I FEEL GREAT.

>> YOU WANT TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL, BABY? YOU WANT TO

TAKE IT TO DEF-CON 3, BITCH?

>> WHAT'S DEF-CON 3?

>> I'LL TAKE IT TO DEF-CON 1.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT IT.

HOLD THE CAP. >> ALL RIGHT.

>> Shelly: OH, MY GOD!

NO WAY, YOU GUYS!

>> DON'T HOG IT.

DON'T HOG IT ALL!

>> Shelly: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?!

>> OH... HAIR PIE.

>> JASON, PLEASE ROLL UP THE WINDOW.

>> BABY, DON'T WORRY.

THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.

>> IT'S GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST, SHELLY.

>> Jason: YEAH... YEAH.

>> Jason: ALL THE WAY....

ALL THE WAY.

>> YOU WANT THAT... DON'T YOU?

GOOD...

GOOD...

ALL... ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS P-PRESS IT, JASON,

AND ALL THE PAIN WILL GO AWAY.

JUST PRESS THE BUT...

JUST PRESS THE BUTTON, JASON.

>> NEVER.

NEVER. NO WAY.

>> SO BE IT.

>> ALL THE WAY.

ALL THE WAY.

>> SH-SHELLY? SH-SHELLY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

>> UH... HUH...

>> Jason: ALL THE WAY...

>> JASON?

JASON?

JASON, WHERE ARE YOU?

JASON? >> WHAT, BABY?

>> JASON, DO YOU LOVE ME?

>> UH-HUH.

>> THEN, PLEASE...

ROLL... UP YOUR WINDOW.

>> NO, BABY.

DON'T ASK ME TO DO THAT.

>> JASON, JASON...

D-DO IT, DO IT.

>> ROLL UP THE WINDOW.

>> DON'T ASK ME TO DO THAT, BABY, NO!

>> DO IT FOR LOVE, JASON.

FOR LOVE... FOR LOVE. FOR LOVE, JASON... FOR LOVE.

>> I'M GONNA ROLL IT UP.

>> NO, YOU'RE NOT, BABY.

>> YES, I AM.

>> NO, YOU'RE NOT.

>> ROLL IT UP!

>> O.K....

>> ROLL UP THE WINDOW!

>> BABY...

>> ROLL IT UP! IT'S RIGHT THERE.

JUST PRESS IT.

>> I'M DOING IT, O.K.?

>> I'M ROLLING IT UP.

I'M ROLLING IT UP.

I'M ROLLING IT UP.

I'M ROLLING IT.

O.K....

O.K....

O.K....

O.K....

>> PUSSY... YOU'RE THE...

>> ROLL UP YOUR FUCKING WINDOW!

ROLL UP YOUR WINDOW!

>> ARE YOU, ARE YOU, ARE YOU SURE, PUSSY?

>> ROLL UP YOUR WINDOW!

>> O.K....

>> ROLL UP YOUR WINDOW.

I AIN'T ROLLING IT BACK DOWN!

>> Shelly: YOU GUYS ARE

A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS!

>> YOU'RE THE PUSSY.

>> TAKE YOUR CLOTHES!

HEY...

CAN I COME IN?

>> WHY WOULDN'T YOU ROLL UP THE WINDOW FOR ME?

>> I DON'T KNOW, I JUST...

I WAS JUST TRYING TO PROVE A POINT.

>> WHAT POINT, JASON?

THAT YOU CAN ACT LIKE A 10-YEAR-OLD LONGER THAN

YOUR BROTHER CAN?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

>> NO, BABY, IT'S JUST...

HE'S BEEN DOING THIS EVER SINCE WE WERE KIDS

AND HE JUST REELED ME IN.

I COULDN'T LET HIM...

I'M TIRED OF HIM THINKING HE'S BETTER THAN ME

ALL THE TIME.

>> OH.... YOU'RE BROTHER, WHO YOU CAN'T STAND?

YOU'RE TIRED OF HIM THINKING THAT?

SEE, TO ME THAT SAYS THAT YOU CARE MORE ABOUT WHAT HE THINKS

THAN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT IT IS.

>> BUT THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, JASON.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

AND YOU GAVE ME EARRINGS.

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GROW UP.

>> SHELLY...

>> SHELLY...

>> HEY, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

>> YEAH? WHAT? NO.

>> IT'S ABOUT JASON.

LOOK, I NEED TO GET IN.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW, SHELLY, COME ON. >> DO YOU HAVE

TO DO IT NOW, TODD? >> YES. I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

>> LOOK, I'M IN A TOWEL.

>> PLEASE...

I JUST TALKED TO JASON AND, UM...

HE'S BEEN CHEATING ON YOU.

SOME GIRL NAMED LISA THAT YOU WORK WITH?

>> LISA McDONALD?

>> HE'S BEEN SLEEPING WITH HER FOR OVER A MONTH NOW, AND HE

SAID WHEN HE GETS BACK...

HE'S GOING TO DUMP YOU.

SHELLY, I'M SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

>> UGH...

>> OH, MY GOD...

>> HEY...

>> SHELLY...

BABY, I'M SORRY!

NOW, COME ON...

>> NO, BIG MISTAKE.

DON'T DO IT, MAN.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU GO TELL HER THAT YOU'RE SORRY AGAIN, GAME'S OVER, MAN--

YOU LOSE.

YOU NEED TO WAIT.

JUST WAIT.

JASON...

JASON, YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

YOU GAVE HER EARRINGS, MAN.

>> SO?

I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON THOSE EARRINGS, MAN.

I SPENT A LOT OF TIME PICKING THEM OUT.

IT'S CHRISTMAS, MAN.

THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO.

THEY GIVE EACH OTHER GIFTS.

>> YEAH, THAT'S MY POINT.

MY POINT EXACTLY.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU NEVER EVER GIVE A WOMAN THAT YOU'VE BEEN DATING ANY GIFT

THAT COMES IN ONE OF THOSE JEWELRY BOXES.

NOT UNLESS IT'S AN ENGAGEMENT RING.

AND AT CHRISTMAS TIME?

IN FRONT OF THE FAMILY?

LOOK, MAN, LET ME SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU, O.K.?

REALLY CLEARLY, SO...

SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND IT, O.K.?

>> OH, O.K.

O.K., YEAH.

>> SHELLY...

SHELLY IS A GREAT GIRL, JASON, BUT SHE'S NO SPRING CHICKEN,

MAN, LET'S FACE IT.

SHE'S... SHE'S BEEN TO THE PUPPET SHOW AND SHE'S SEEN

THE STRINGS.

SHE'S OLDER, MAN, O.K.?

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

SHE WANTS YOU.

SHE WANTS TO GET THIS SHIT LOCKED UP, THOUGH, BEFORE IT

COMES FALLING APART AND FUCKING CRUMBLING AROUND, YOU KNOW?

TRUST ME.

I'M AN EXPERT WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS, JASON.

>> YEAH, YOU WERE REAL SMOOTH WITH KRISTEN BACK THERE.

THAT WORKED OUT WELL FOR YOU, DIDN'T IT?

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN... YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, RIGHT?

JUST SHRUG IT OFF, BRO.

BUT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I'VE ALWAYS DOMINATED YOU

IN ROCK, PAPER, SCISSOR?

IT'S BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO READ PEOPLE.

I KNOW HOW THEIR MINDS WORK.

COME ON.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU, JASON.

COME ON-- I WANT TO TEACH YOU.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.

>> YEAH? >> YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT...

>> Todd: ONE MORE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

HEY, SHELLY.

HEY, I'M SORRY...

IT'S ME AGAIN.

I'M JUST CALLING TO SEE... WHERE YOU'RE AT, IF YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

UM, PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL, LET ME KNOW YOU'RE O.K.

I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD STAY HERE OR LEAVE OR WHAT, SO...

I LOVE YOU. BYE.

>> SHE WAS HOLDING YOU BACK, DUDE.

TOTALLY HOLDING YOU BACK.

YOU'RE WAY OUT OF HER LEAGUE, MAN.

SHE WAS WEAK, JASON.

FUCK HER, YOU KNOW, MAN?

>> TODD.

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.

I UNDERSTAND.

IS THAT, IS THAT THE BOOK?

IS THAT YOUR BOOK?

JESUS, MAN, THAT'S HUGE.

IS THAT ALL ONE BOOK, OR IS THAT, LIKE, SEVERAL?

>> IT'S ONE BOOK, TODD, O.K.?

>> GOD, MAN, HOW MANY YEARS YOU BEEN WORKING ON THAT NOW?

>> FOR A WHILE.

>> I'D, I'D LIKE TO READ IT.

CAN I READ IT?

>> NO. NO, THERE'S NO PICTURES AND THERE'S NO POP-UPS OR

ANYTHING, SO I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT, O.K.?

ANYTHING, SO I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT, O.K.?

>> Man: UNHAND ME, YOU PEASANTS!

>> IN VIOLATION OF PAPAL DECREE, FOR THE CRIME OF NON-COITAL

INTERCOURSE OF AN ANAL NATURE, YOU ARE HEREBY FORTHWITH

SENTENCED TO BE PUT TO DEATH AND DAMNATION!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, MAN?

>> JAMES, JAMES, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY. I TRIED TO TELL YOU.

I WANTED TO TELL YOU.

>> SHH! IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> I WANTED TO TELL YOU.

>> IT'S ALL RIGHT, ARTHUR, I KNOW.

I KNOW.

I'VE ALWAYS LIKED YOU.

>> REALLY?

>> OF COURSE.

>> WELL, WHEN YOU SAY YOU LIKE ME, DO YOU MEAN LIKE MELIKE ME

OR MORE LIKE "FRIENDS" LIKE ME?

MMM.

>> HEY!

TODD! GIVE IT TO ME.

>> WAIT. >> GIVE IT TO ME.

>> WAIT. JASON, STOP.

>> GIVE IT. GIVE IT.

>> WAIT. >> GIVE IT TO ME.

>> HOLD ON, PLEASE.

>> I'M NOT FINISHED WITH IT.

I'M NOT FINISHED WITH IT!

>> ALL RIGHT, O.K.

>> THOSE ARE MY PRIVATE PAPERS.

>> JASON, CALM DOWN.

I HAVE A QUESTION.

>> I DON'T CARE!

>> HEY, I HAVE A QUESTION.

MAY I? MAY I?

>> GIVE IT TO ME, O.K.?

>> "JAMES LOOKED ON AS ARTHUR EMERGED FROM THE WATER.

HE FELT A WEAKNESS FROM DEEP WITHIN, A CURIOUS QUIVERING

IN HIS LOINS..."

>> GIVE IT TO ME.

>> "...AND A YEARNING HE HAD NEVER KNOWN." >> WHAT?

>> DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

WHO IS THAT?

>> THAT'S ARTHUR.

>> THIS IS... THIS IS YOUR BOOK?

THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING?

>> YES, THIS IS MY BOOK.

>> IT'S LIKE A, LIKE A GAY BRAVEHEART?

>> IT'S AN ALLEGORY, DUMBASS.

O.K., GIVE IT TO ME.

I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE READING THIS TILL I WAS FINISHED.

>> SO THESE GUYS, THEY'RE GAY...

AND THEY'RE KNIGHTS, SO THEY, THEY FIGHT DRAGONS

AND, AND THEY'RE GAY?

THEY, THEY MAKE LOVE TO EACH OTHER?

THAT'S, THAT'S AWESOME, MAN.

REALLY.

JASON, IF YOU WERE,

WOULD YOU TELL ME?

I MEAN, IF YOU WEREGAY?

IT'S O.K., I MEAN, YOU CAN, YOU CAN TELL ME, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M NOT GONNA HATE YOU IF YOU ARE.

>> NO, TODD, I'M NOT GAY.

O.K.?

>> DO YOU KNOW A BUNCH OF HOMOSEXUAL GAYS?

I MEAN, DO YOU, DO YOU HANG OUT WITH THE GAY FOLK?

>> NO. NO, I DON'T, O.K.?

>> I... THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHY ARE YOU WRITING A STORY ABOUT GAY GUYS THEN IF YOU

DON'T KNOW-- >> I TOLD YOU, IT'S

AN ALLEGORY, O.K.?

>> ALLEGORY?

>> THIS STORY NEEDS TO BE TOLD, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, ALWAYS HEAR THE SAME STORY ABOUT THE KNIGHTS COMING

IN, SAVING THE MAIDENS AND ALL THAT CRAP, BUT THAT'S

ALL BULLSHIT.

DIDN'T HAPPEN THAT WAY.

>> OH, SO NOW THEY'RE-- NOW EVERYBODY'S GAY?

EVEN KNIGHTS? >> NO.

>> KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR ARE GAY NOW?

>> NO, I'M SAYING-- >> IS NO ONE SAFE, JASON?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

>> TODD, NO, WHAT I'M SAYING IS, BACK IN THE DAY, YOU'D HAVE MEN

GOING OUT TO BATTLE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS ON END, AND THEY'D

END UP RESORTING TO SODOMY.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THERE'S-- >> NO.

>> THERE'S A MARKET FOR THAT NOW.

YOU KNOW, WITH THE GAY COMMUNITY NOW, I MEAN, IT'S--

I CAN MAKE THIS STORY.

IT'LL BE RELEVANT, IT'LL BE TRUE. >> JASON.

>> IT'LL BE BASED ON FACTS.

IT'LL BE GROUNDBREAKING ART, O.K.?

>> NO... JASON, NO.

>> NEVER MIND.

>> NO. BAD.

IT'S NOT... GOOD, MAN.

IT'S BAD.

I MEAN, GAY KNIGHTS?

NOT EVEN, NOT EVEN GAY PEOPLE ARE GONNA WANT TO READ THIS.

IF I WAS, IF I WAS A GAY GUY AND I WALKED INTO A BOOKSTORE,

I WOULD NOT BUY THAT BOOK.

WHO WANTS TO, WHO WANTS TO READ ABOUT THAT?

>> WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU'VE READ FOUR PAGES OF IT, DUDE.

I COULD GIVE A RAT'S ASS WHAT YOU THINK, O.K.?

>> WELL, WHATEVER, MAN.

I'LL TELL YOU, YOU KNOW, YOU WANT TO WRITE A GOOD STORY,

WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW, JASON.

WRITE SOMETHING INTERESTING THAT PEOPLE WANT TO REALLY

ACTUALLY READ ABOUT.

WRITE A STORY ABOUT ME.

>> WE COULD DO THIS TOGETHER,

MAN. WE COULD KNOCK IT OUT.

I CAN TELL YOU STORIES ABOUT MYSELF, YOU WRITE IT,

AND BAM, WE GOT A BOOK.

>> YEAH.

>> WE'VE GOT A BOOK.

>> YEAH, THAT'S, THAT'S GREAT, MAN.

THAT'S, THAT'S BRILLIANT, MM-HMM.

>> Man: ♪ HOLD ON TO MY TONGUE

'TWEEN MY FINGERS AND MY THUMB ♪ ♪ PULL IT OUT BEFORE IT'S NUMB

♪ THERE'S A BLACK SPOT ON MY, BLACK SPOT ON MY ♪

>> I JUST HAD A WEIRD THOUGHT.

WHAT IF THOSE PAPERS ARE FAKE?

YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT REALLY ADOPTED AND THERE'S NO REASON

WHY MOM AND DAD ALWAYS TREATED US DIFFERENT.

MAYBE THEY JUST ALWAYS LIKED GEORGE BETTER.

WHAT IF DAD AND GEORGE PLANTED THOSE PAPERS?

THEY PLANNED THE WHOLE THING...

JUST, YOU KNOW, TO SCREW WITH US.

>> YEAH.

RIGHT.

NO, THEY'RE REAL, MAN.

YEAH, THEY'RE REAL.

I MEAN, IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

>> THAT WAS EASY.

I FOUND YOUR RECORDS.

NOW, HERE'S THE SITUATION.

YOUR RECORDS ARE SEALED.

THAT MEANS BOTH YOUR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS REQUESTED THAT THEIR

IDENTITIES NOT BE REVEALED WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT.

>> BOTH OF THEM?

>> YES.

>> AS IN TWO DIFFERENT PAIRS.

>> YES.

>> SO, THEN... WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED?

>> NO. I'M VERY SORRY.

>> THANK GOD.

DUDE, I FEEL LIKE, LIKE A GIANT WEIGHT HAS BEEN

LIFTED FROM MY SHOULDERS.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

O.K. UM...

SO, AT THIS POINT YOU GUYS HAVE THE OPTION OF HAVING

AN INDEPENDENT LIAISON-- ME-- CONDUCT A SEARCH FOR YOUR

BIOLOGICAL PARENTS, AND IF I FIND THEM, I'LL LET THEM KNOW

THAT YOU'RE INTERESTED IN MEETING THEM.

>> YEAH, THAT'D BE...

THAT'D BE GREAT.

>> WELL, I'LL GET STARTED RIGHT AWAY.

THIS CAN TAKE A COUPLE OF DAYS OR IT CAN TAKE YEARS.

JUST DEPENDS.

I CAN'T MAKE ANY PROMISES.

>> UNDERSTOOD.

>> ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

NOW, THERE IS SOME NON-IDENTIFYING INFORMATION

ABOUT YOUR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS THAT I'M ALLOWED TO GIVE YOU.

TAKE ME A COUPLE OF DAYS TO PREPARE THE DOCUMENTS,

SO COULD YOU GUYS COME BACK ON FRIDAY?

>> YEAH. >> YEAH.

>> Man: ♪ COME INTO VISION

AT LAST AND SING US ALL ANOTHER SONG ♪

♪ DRINK FROM YOUR FLASK AND ASK

IF ANYONE HERE HAS A FAVORITE ♪ ♪ AND WE'LL SING...

♪ SING ALONG AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS ♪

♪ VOICES RING... ♪ ESCAPE OUTSIDE THE CATHEDRAL

♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU PLAY ♪

♪ JUST DO IT IN YOUR OLD-FASHIONED WAY ♪

♪ SLAPPING YOUR KNEE

>> ♪ AS YOU SAY ♪ THIS ONE MAKES UP

FOR THE CITY ♪ >> HAVE FUN.

>> ♪ AND WE'LL SING...

SING ALONG AT THE TOP OF OUR ♪

OH, MY GOD.

TODD, I THINK WE NEED TO...

>> JASON, LOOK, BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, UM...

>> WHAT IS THIS?

>> I'VE READ, I'VE READ YOUR BOOK, MAN.

I WAS GONNA COME TELL YOU, BUT IT SAID "DO NOT DISTURB"

ON YOUR DOOR.

I KNOW YOU LOOK UPSET...

>> TODD!

>> BUT HEAR ME OUT, O.K.?

HEAR ME OUT.

JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE AND...

>> YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER!

>> WAIT!

>> OPEN THIS DOOR, TODD!

>> JASON!

>> GIVE ME MY BOOKS, TODD!

GIVE IT TO ME!

GIVE ME MY NOTE-- GIVE ME MY NOTEBOOKS NOW!

>> JASON.

JASON, CALM DOWN, MAN.

>> GODDAMN IT! OPEN THE DOOR!

OPEN IT NOW!

>> JUST GIVE ME A SECOND AND I'LL EXPLAIN.

>> GIVE ME MY SHIT, MAN!

GIVE ME MY MANUSCRIPT!

>> JASON, DOWN HERE, MAN.

>> GIVE ME MY BOOKS.

>> HEY...

>> GIVE ME MY BOOKS.

>> I WANTED TO FINISH WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU EARLIER.

>> GIVE IT TO ME.

>> LOOK...

>> GIVE ME MY STUFF.

>> WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU BEFORE YOU INTERRUPTED ME WAS

I'VE READ YOUR BOOK.

>> YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT!

>> AND I THINK YOU'VE GOTTEN-- >> YOU DESTROYED IT!

>> I THINK YOU'VE GOTTEN OFF TRACK, MAN.

>> OFF TRACK.

>> I MADE SOME EDITS.

>> OH, YOU'RE AN EDITOR NOW?

YOU'RE AN EDITOR NOW?

>> YOU'RE A GOOD WRITER, MAN.

I JUST-- >> YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

>> YOU'RE JUST FORCING ALL OF THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN, MAN.

>> YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. >> JASON.

>> FUCKING COCKSUCKER.

>> JASON, NO. WHERE-- JASON, COME BACK DOWN HERE.

JASON, DOWN HERE.

>> MM-HMM, YEAH?

>> DOWN, DOWN HERE. DOWN HERE.

>> WHERE? WHERE ARE YOU?

>> I'M RIGHT HERE, DUDE.

LISTEN, I THINK THAT IF YOU GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES--

>> FUCKING ASSHOLE!

>> OW! ASSHOLE!

WHAT THE... STOP IT WITH THAT!

>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

COUNT OF FIVE, I'M BUSTING THE DOOR DOWN. >> O.K., HERE.

>> FIVE... >> HERE.

>> FOUR... >> HERE.

SO I'VE WRITTEN A NEW ENDING.

>> THE OTHER ONE!

>> I PUT THEM IN A TIME MACHINE.

>> A TIME MACHINE?

A TIME MACHINE?

>> IT'S BAD-ASS, MAN.

>> TODD, THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IN THE 1500s.

>> NO, NO...

>> YES, YES, IT DOES!

>> IT'S IN THE POST-APOCALYPTIC FUTURE NOW.

HERE.

IT'S, IT'S ACTION-PACKED.

>> TIME MACHINE.

>> THERE WAS A NUCLEAR WAR, JASON. >> LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

>> JAMES AND ARTHUR...

>> LOOK AT THIS SHIT!

>> ...THEY'RE FIGHTING FOR THEIR SURVIVAL.

>> FUCK YOU, TODD!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT!

>> JASON, DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

>> YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DESTROY EVERYTHING THAT WAS

MINE!

EVERYTHING THAT WAS MINE YOU WANTED TO JUST FUCK UP, RIGHT?

>> NO. >> IS YOUR MISSION IN LIFE TO SCREW MY WHOLE LIFE UP?

>> READ IT, AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I WON'T BE MAD.

JASON?

JASON?

>> Shelly on phone: I'm not trying to add stress

to your life, O.K.?

But I just... I just feel like our relationship

isn't a priority for you, right now, you know?

>> Jason: LOOK...

LOOK, I ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG.

I ALWAYS FELT SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT AND NOW I KNOW WHY.

IT'S 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A WHOLE FAMILY OUT THERE

I NEVER KNEW ABOUT.

AND I'M HERE RIGHT NOW AND I HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY

TO FIND SOME ANSWERS AND FIND THEM, AND I NEED TO DO THAT

WHILE I CAN.

>> I know you do.

>> I MEAN...

>> I know.

I do understand.

I know it's important to you.

I would have to too.

I would have to go and look for them too.

Just... call me when you figure it out, all right?

>> O.K.

>> Bye.

>> BYE.

>> JASON...?

>> LET'S GO, O.K.?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Woman: I'M AFRAID I HAVE DISAPPOINTING NEWS...

FOR BOTH OF YOU.

I DID MANAGE TO LOCATE YOUR MOTHER.

I CONTACTED HER YESTERDAY.

AND SHE INDICATED THAT SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN A REUNION

AT THIS TIME.

SHE SAID THAT SHE UNDERSTANDS WHY YOU WANT TO MEET HER,

BUT THAT YOU HAVE YOUR FAMILY NOW, AND SOME THINGS ARE

BEST JUST LEFT IN THE PAST.

>> I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HER.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM HER OR ANYTHING.

>> I KNOW, BUT... SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MEET YOU RIGHT NOW.

>> WHY NOT?

>> THAT'S REALLY HER BUSINESS.

SORRY.

>> WELL, WHAT ABOUT MY DAD?

MY BIOLOGICAL DAD?

>> WELL, I HAVEN'T MANAGED TO LOCATE HIM YET, BUT...

EVEN IF I DO, I'M REQUIRED BY LAW TO HAVE PERMISSION FROM BOTH

OF THE BIRTH PARENTS BEFORE I CAN REVEAL EITHER'S IDENTITY.

>> SO THEY HAVE TO BOTH AGREE?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

>> Todd: WHAT? MINE DON'T WANT TO MEET ME EITHER?

>> I'M REALLY SORRY BUT BOTH OF YOUR BIRTH PARENTS PASSED AWAY

SEVERAL YEARS AGO.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

>> I SAW THEIR DEATH RECORDS AT THE BUREAU OF VITAL STATISTICS.

I'M VERY, VERY SORRY.

>> WELL, UM...

AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO GET THEIR CONSENT.

NOT LIKE MEETING THEM IS GONNA DO ME ANY GOOD NOW, BUT AT LEAST

I'LL KNOW THEIR NAMES.

>> TODD, YOUR RECORDS ARE SEALED.

I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY IDENTIFYING INFORMATION.

IT'S AGAINST THE LAW.

MY HANDS ARE TIED.

>> YEAH, BUT THEY'RE DEAD.

>> I KNOW.

IT'S A FRUSTRATING SITUATION.

>> WHO CARES IF I KNOW A COUPLE OF DEAD PEOPLE'S NAMES?

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

>> I REALLY, REALLY WISH THERE WAS MORE I COULD DO.

>> SO YOU... YOU CAN'T TELL ME?

>> NO.

>> UNDER ANY

CIRCUMSTANCES EVER?

>> NO... NO-- I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT I CAN'T.

UM... HERE IS THE NON-IDENTIFYING INFORMATION

THAT I PROMISED YOU.

>> THANKS.

>> I REALLY WISH I'D HAD

BETTER NEWS.

>> YEAH... IT'S FINE.

IT'S O.K.

THANKS.

>> YOU O.K.?

>> GIVE ME A MINUTE, O.K.?

>> HEY...

I HAVE A PROPOSAL FOR YOU, O.K.?

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> LOOK, IT'S... IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US HERE RIGHT NOW.

I'M NOT GONNA TELL ANYBODY...

EVER, O.K.? >> STOP.

>> IT'S NOT... IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A BIG DEAL UNLESS WE

MAKE IT A BIG DEAL, YOU KNOW?

>> I REALLY WISH I COULD BUT...

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> HERE... YOU DON'T NEED...

TAKE THIS.

IT'S O.K., TAKE THIS.

>> I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS.

THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE.

>> IT'S JUST SOMETHING FOR YOUR TROUBLE, O.K.? >> NO, PUT...

PUT THE MONEY IN YOUR WALLET.

YOU SHOULD GO.

>> YOU KNOW...

WHAT IF I'VE GOT FAMILY OUT THERE?

THAT I... THAT I'LL NEVER KNOW ABOUT?

A SISTER?

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, HALF-BROTHER, AN UNCLE

OR SOMETHING?

>> WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS.

>> WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME IS THAT... THIS IS JUST A DEAD END?

THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHTS.

I DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHTS.

I GET DUMPED WHEN I'M A KID AND NOW... I JUST HAVE TO

LIVE WITH THAT?

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME.

I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.

UM...

I DON'T HAVE ANYBODY.

JUST...

HELP ME...

PLEASE.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> NOTHING.

I'LL TELL YOU LATER.

>> WELL, IT SAYS HERE, MY DAD WAS A POET AND MY MOM

WAS A SCHOOLTEACHER. >> A POET, HUH?

>> YEAH.

FIGURES.

GET DOWN! GET DOWN!

>> HEY, STAY WITH ME.

>> YOU GOTTA PROMISE ME YOU'LL FUCKING KILL

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

>> YOU HOLD ON, MAN.

YOU LOOK AT ME.

LOOK ME IN THE EYES, MAN.

>> I TRIED...

I TRIED.

FUCKIN' TRIED...

>> STAY WITH ME, MAN.

STAY WITH ME.

>> ARTHUR?

ARTHUR?

I'LL KILL THEM ALL...

EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKING ONE OF THEM.

>> DIE, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

DIE! DIE!

>> WE GOTTA GO, MAN.

COME ON.

>> OH... YOU READ IT, MAN.

WHAT... WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT IT?

>> YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> IT'S JUST A FIRST DRAFT, YOU KNOW-- I'VE GOT A LOT OF IDEAS,

THINGS THAT WE CAN DO TO FLESH IT OUT.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN WORK ON THIS TOGETHER, MAN.

WHAT'S UP?

>> WE HAVE TO GO-- COME ON.

WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN THE CAR-- COME ON, MAN, HURRY UP.

>> AN APPOINTMENT?

>> COME ON.

>> WHERE?

>> COME ON!

>> WHY ARE WE PARKED BACK HERE?

>> SHH...

WE'RE TRYING TO BE DISCREET, REMEMBER?

: THERE SHE IS.

O.K....

>> DUDE, SHE'S LEAVING.

>> SHE'S COMING BACK, O.K.?

LOOK, THIS IS ALL PART OF THE PLAN, MAN.

SHE LEAVES, ALL THE EMPLOYEES LEAVE, AND THEN SHE COMES BACK

WHEN NO ELSE IS HERE TO SEE ANYTHING AND SHE GIVES US

OUR SHIT, O.K.?

ALL RIGHT?

ANY MORE QUESTIONS?

ALL RIGHT...

O.K., DUCK, NOW-- GET DOWN.

JASON, GET DOWN. >> WHAT?

>> GET DOWN! >> WHAT?!

WHY ARE WE DUCKING?

>> I'VE BEEN GIVEN VERY SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS, JASON.

DON'T FUCK THIS UP, O.K.?

STAND STILL, O.K.?

>> I AM.

THIS SUCKS, TODD.

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN, WE'RE COOL.

WE'RE COOL-- GOOD JOB, MAN.

GOOD WORK.

>> "DUCK." >> THOSE WERE THE INSTRUCTIONS,

JASON.

>> Woman: ♪ CHRISTMAS TIME

HAS COME AGAIN... ♪ >> TODD!

DUDE, CALL HER OR SOMETHING.

>> I DON'T HAVE HER NUMBER, O.K., MAN? SORRY.

>> WELL, LOOK, MAN, SHE'S NOT COMING, ALL RIGHT?

SHE LIED TO YOU, O.K.?

>> YOU KNOW, JASON, I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN INTEGRITY

ACTUALLY MEANT SOMETHING.

WHEN A HANDSHAKE DEAL WAS A DEAL.

YOU KNOW, MAN, FUCK HER ASS.

FUCK HER ASS.

...JUST RELAX, O.K.?

>> RELAX... I'M GETTING A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS, MAN.

COME ON, LET'S JUST GO.

>> STAY HERE IN CASE SHE SHOWS UP. >> GET THAT LIGHT...

>> I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THE BACK, ALL RIGHT?

JASON, DON'T BE AFRAID.

BE BRAVE, O.K.?

>> WHAT?

>> Todd: Hey, Jason, listen, man, I'm back here and I just

missed her.

Are you in the car?

>> YEAH, I'M IN THE CAR, MAN.

>> All right, I need you to get out of the car, O.K.?

Just listen to me.

>> TODD, COME ON, DUDE.

>> Do you see any cars?

>> NO, I DON'T SEE ANY CARS.

>> Do you see any people?

>> NO, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

THERE'S NOTHING UP HERE.

>> You don't see anyone at all?

>> THERE'S NO ONE HERE, MAN, LET'S JUST...

>> All right. >> TODD?

TODD?

JACKASS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

NO...

NO! >>: HEY!

>> GODDAMN IT, MAN, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND...?

>> HURRY UP! GET IN, GET IN!

>> WE'RE GONNA GO TO JAIL.

>> COME ON, JASON!

>> WE'RE GONNA GET ARRESTED.

JUST GET IN HERE!

>> WE'RE GONNA GET ARRESTED.

YOU FUCKING CRAZY BASTARD.

>> GET DOWN!

>> GODDAMN IT, MAN.

GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU BROKE IN HERE!

WHAT IF SHE SHOWS UP, HUH?

>> SHE AIN'T GONNA SHOW UP, MAN.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

>> SHE AIN'T GONNA SHOW UP.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

SHE COULD BE RUNNING LATE.

>> SHE'S NOT RUNNING LATE, MAN.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW? >> BECAUSE I... I DIDN'T BRIBE HER, JASON.

I MADE THE STORY UP, O.K.?

I MADE IT UP.

>> YOU WHAT?

>> I KNEW YOU WEREN'T GONNA GO ALONG WITH THIS, SO I MADE UP

THE STORY UP, O.K.? SORRY.

>> OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? >> IT'S O.K.

>> NO, IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT, TODD.

THIS IS BULLSHIT. >> JASON...

>> GODDAMN IT. >> DON'T.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU GOTTA HELP, O.K.?

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME, O.K.?

LISTEN, I'M YOUR BROTHER, MAN.

I NEED YOUR HELP, JASON.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

THOSE PAPERS ARE RIGHT IN THERE, AND WE CAN FUCKIN' GET THEM,

O.K.? WE CAN FIND OUT.

FINALLY KNOW, O.K.?

WE CAN FINALLY KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

>> AW, SHIT...

>> TWO MINUTES, O.K.?

WATCH GUARD.

OH, SHIT...

TODD.

>> WHAT?

>> DO YOU HAVE 'EM?

>> I'M LOOKING.

>> SHIT.

TODD, SOMEONE'S HERE!

>> WHAT?

>> SOMEONE'S HERE!

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> YES, THEY JUST PULLED UP IN THE PARKING LOT!

>> IT'S... IT'S THE BLACK LADY.

SHIT, SHE'S COMING.

SHE'S COMING, SHE'S COMING, SHE'S COMING.

>> JASON... >> COME ON!

>> JASON... >> COME ON!

SHE'S HERE...

>> I'VE GOT 'EM, MAN.

THESE ARE IT.

>> WELL, THEN, LET'S GO!

OH...

>> YES, MA'AM.

I NEED TO REPORT A BURGLARY.

YEAH, WE'RE AT THE OVERBROOK ADOPTION AGENCY.

2720 BEE CAVES ROAD.

I, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE... TWO HOURS AGO.

I'VE ONLY BEEN GONE FROM WORK A COUPLE OF HOURS.

THERE'S A... YES.

THERE'S A BIG HOLE IN OUR BACK DOOR, AND THERE'S GLASS

ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

ONE OF OUR ROOMS HAS BEEN RANSACKED.

WELL, DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO TAKE THE OFFICERS

TO GET HERE?

THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY?

...TO GET IT, AND I NOTICED WE HAD BEEN BROKEN INTO.

YES.

O.K., I CAN, I CAN STAY INSIDE.

O.K.

O.K.

YES, MA'AM, I GOT HERE ABOUT, OH, FIVE, 10 MINUTES AGO.

O.K., SURE, I CAN...

>> Jason: SHH, MAN, SHE SAW US.

>> Todd: NO, SHE DIDN'T SEE US.

>> YES, SHE DID.

>> Todd: I GOT 'EM, MAN.

I'M HURTING.

OH, NO.

>> COME ON.

COME ON.

LET'S GO.

TODD, QUIT JERKING AROUND, LET'S GO, COME ON.

>> OH, MAN, I'M COOKING ONE.

>> WHERE IS SHE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> YOU KNOW THAT...

>> FUCKIN' COP, LET'S GO.

>> SHIT...

SHIT.

>> OH, WE'RE SCREWED, MAN.

WE'RE TOTALLY SCREWED, WHAT DO WE DO?

>> I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.

>> YEAH, WELL, I GOT 'EM, DIDN'T I?

AW, SHIT.

SHIT, DUDE.

>> WHAT?

>> DUDE, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT.

I GOTTA, I GOTTA POO, JASON.

I GOTTA GO, MAN, I CAN'T HOLD, I CAN'T HOLD IT.

>> I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, YOU'RE GONNA HOLD IT. >> I CAN'T.

>> YOU'RE GONNA HOLD IT.

YOU GOT US INTO THIS MESS, YOU'RE GONNA HOLD IT.

>> JUST LET ME, LET ME BORROW YOUR SHIRT.

>> WHAT? >> COME ON.

>> BORROW MY SHIRT?

SCREW YOU, NO.

>> THIS SHIRT COST ME 80 BUCKS.

>> WELL, IT'LL FEEL NICE ON YOUR ASS.

>> THAT'S NOT COOL, MAN.

OOH.

OH...

>> Todd: OW!

>> SHH...

JASON...

>> SHH, GET DOWN, GET DOWN.

>> JASON...

I WAS TAKING...

>> SHH...

>> I WAS-- JASON.

>> WHAT?

>> A FUCKING, A FUCKING SNAKE.

I GOT BIT.

I GOT BIT BY A SERPENT.

>> THIS ISN'T FUNNY, MAN.

>> IT WAS A BLACK, IT WAS A BLACK MAMBA.

>> SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

>> HE BIT ME, HE BIT ME IN THE PENIS-- LOOK, LOOK.

>> OOH!

>> OW, OW.

>> OH, SHIT.

>> I CAN'T PULL MY PANTS UP.

I CAN'T PULL MY PANTS UP.

>> GOTTA GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL.

WE GOTTA GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL, ALL RIGHT, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY,

YOU GOTTA GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

I'M GONNA GO TO THE COPS, MAN.

>> NO, NO, NO COPS.

I DID NOT COME THIS FAR TO FAIL NOW.

NO COPS, NO COPS.

NO-NO, NO, NO, NO COPS.

LISTEN, MAN, NO COPS.

>> THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, TODD.

WE CAN'T GET AWAY, TODD, WE GOTTA GET THE POISON OUT.

LISTEN TO ME, WE GOTTA GET THE POISON OUT RIGHT NOW.

DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU GET THE POISON OUT OR NOT, HUH?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU?

>> JASON...

I WOULD RATHER DIE.

RIGHT HERE IN THESE FUCKING WOODS, THAN HAVE YOU SUCK

THE POISON OUT OF MY PENIS.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING, ASSHOLE.

>> YOU'RE GAY.

>> DAMN IT, TODD, LISTEN, O.K.?

LISTEN, LISTEN.

STAY RIGHT HERE, O.K.?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

JUST STAY RIGHT HERE, O.K.?

JUST STAY HERE, STAY RIGHT HERE.

>> WAIT-- OW! >> SHH, SHH, SHH.

>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

JASON...

>> OH, YOU CAME.

YOU CAME, YOU CAME BACK.

>> LISTEN, LISTEN.

THE COP WENT INSIDE.

GIVE ME YOUR FUCKIN' KEYS, GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.

GIVE ME YOUR KEYS, ALL RIGHT?

>> WE'RE GONNA MAKE A RUN FOR IT. >> YEAH, WE ARE.

HERE, GIVE ME YOUR KEYS, GIVE ME YOUR KEYS, GIVE ME

YOUR KEYS., O.K., LOOK.

LET'S DO THIS...

>> SAVE ME.

>> O.K., LISTEN UP.

>> JASON, SAVE ME.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> OH! YEAH... O.K.

>> HOLD ON, I'M GONNA PUSH YOU OVER, GRAB ON THIS.

GRAB ON THIS.

GRAB ON THIS, O.K.?

GRAB ON THIS, O.K.?

OH, JESUS.

OH, DAMN!

ON YOUR BACK, ON YOUR BACK,

ON YOUR BACK, ON YOUR BACK.

OH, MY GOD.

GIVE ME YOUR HANDS, GIVE ME YOUR HANDS.

O.K., O.K., GRAB ME, GRAB ME, GRAB ME, GRAB ME.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

O.K., O.K., O.K.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET ME CARRY 'EM.

>> O.K., HERE.

I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU.

GOT YOU, I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU.

>> ALL RIGHT, THERE, ALMOST

THERE, ALMOST THERE, SHH...

>> YOU KNOW, COMPLICATIONS OR INCIDENTS THAT HAPPEN,

YOU GIVE US A CALL.

>> YEAH, YOU FIND ANYTHING MISSING OR...

>> WELL, YOU'RE GOIN' MAIL US A COPY OF THE REPORT?

>> YOU CAN GET IT, IT TAKES ABOUT THREE OR FOUR DAYS OR SO.

WE GOTTA FILE IT AND WHATNOT.

SHH, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, GET DOWN,

GET DOWN, GET DOWN, GET DOWN.

>> UNIT 274, WE'RE ON IT.

>> ABOUT HOW MANY, HOW MANY EMPLOYEES WORK HERE?

>> Jason: O.K., I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

THINK WE'RE GOOD, THINK WE'RE GOOD.

>> Jason: QUIT TOUCHING IT.

QUIT TOUCHING IT, ALL RIGHT?

>> Todd: OW, OW!

>> STOP IT, STOP IT.

>> STOP YANKING AT IT,

ALL RIGHT?

>> I THINK IT'S GETTING BIG-- BIGGER... OH.

OH, IT SMELLS BAD.

>> TODD, COME ON, MAN, QUIT, QUIT PRODDING IT.

>> I CAN'T STOP.

>> YOU GOTTA QUIT YANKING AT IT, ALL RIGHT?

>> OH, OW!

OW, IT STINGS.

>> O.K., HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

USE MY SHIRT AS A TOURNIQUET, O.K.?

O.K., O.K.?

>> ARE YOU SURE?

>> I PROMISE, I PROMISE.

>> WHAT DO I DO?

AH, OUCH...

>> JUST, JUST TIE IT AROUND.

>> PUT IT AROUND MY BALLS?

>> NO-NO-NO, NO-NO-NO-NO, NOT UNDER YOUR BALLS,

NOT UNDER YOUR BALLS!

LIKE, BEFORE YOUR BALLS, LIKE, BUT WHERE THE SHAFT IS, O.K.?

LIKE, WHERE THE SHAFT MEETS THE BALLS.

RIGHT THERE, TIE A KNOT, O.K.?

>> OH, I CAN'T, MAN.

I CAN'T DO IT.

>> YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO.

>> JASON, YOU TRY.

>> NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!

YOU DO IT, YOU DO IT.

TODD, THIS IS YOUR PECKER, YOU DEAL WITH IT, MAN,

YOU CAN DO IT.

>> I CAN'T, MAN.

I CAN'T.

>> ALL RIGHT, FUCK IT, MAN, WE'RE ALMOST TO THE HOSPITAL,

ALL RIGHT? THEY'LL FIX YOU UP, ALL RIGHT?

>> JASON.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU'RE A GOOD BROTHER.

JASON.

>> NO, NO, IT'S O.K., MAN.

>> I CARE...

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> FOR YOU.

I LOVE YOU, JASON.

I LOVE YOU A BUNCH.

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

I DO.

OH...

>> Jason: THANK YOU.

>> I'LL CALL YOU, O.K.?

>> BYE, TODD.

>> SO, THEY, UH...

CUT OFF YOUR DICK?

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, MAN.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU WERE REALLY GONNA SUCK THE POISON OUT, WEREN'T YOU?

>> I NEVER SAID THAT.

I NEVER SAID THAT.

>> O.K., YEAH, UH, SOMETHING LIKE, "TODD, DO YOU NEED ME TO

HELP YOU GET THE POISON OUT?" WOULD YOU DENY SAYING THAT?

>> GET YOUR SEAT BELT ON.

>> AH, DON'T WORRY, MAN.

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT.

I'M SURE I SAID A FEW THINGS LAST NIGHT THAT I DIDN'T REALLY

MEAN, EITHER.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ASSHOLE.

>> YEAH, YOU TOO.

>> HEY, WHAT'S UP?

YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THIS SUCKS.

THE WHOLE THINGS SUCKS, MAN.

IT'S GARBAGE.

YOU'RE A GOOD WRITER...

I THINK.

BUT, AND THIS IS A BIG BUT, YOU NEED A BETTER STORY TO TELL.

>> YEAH, NO SHIT.

>> AND YOU KNOW, I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU A GREAT IDEA FOR

A STORY.

YEAH.

>> I, UM...

I TRACKED DOWN YOUR, YOUR BIRTH FATHER.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH.

I GOOGLED HIM.

I TRACKED HIM DOWN ON CLASSMATES.COM.

CHECK IT OUT, LOOK, THE SAME NAME.

DARRELL PATRICK WILLIAMS.

SAME DATE OF BIRTH, SAME HOMETOWN.

POWDER SPRINGS, GEORGIA.

IT'S HIM, THAT'S GOTTA BE HIM.

SEE?

HE'S A POET.

>> UH...

WHAT ABOUT, WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?

DID YOU...

DID YOU FIND ANYTHING?

>> NO, NAH.

NAH, NOTHING YET.

PRETTY SURE THEY'RE STILL DEAD.

>> Woman on P.A.: Curbside parking and waiting is not

allowed...

>> THANKS AGAIN FOR THESE, MAN.

IT'S AWESOME.

>> I STILL JUST WANT TO KNOW, MAN, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA

SAY TO HIM?

YOU JUST GOING TO SHOW UP AT HIS DOORSTEP AND BE LIKE, "I'M HERE.

LOVE ME."

"LOVE ME.

I NEED YOUR LOVE."

>> YOU NEED TO HAVE A PLAN.

>> I GUESS.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN, I'LL JUST FIGURE IT OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

GONNA TAKE OFF.

>> SO, UM, YEAH, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA BE HEADED BACK HOME,

YOU KNOW, SO...

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANTED TO CALL ME, YOU KNOW,

THAT'D BE COOL.

>> YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU?

>> WELL, YEAH, I MEAN, THAT'D BE COOL, WHATEVER,

YOU KNOW.

>> IF YOU WANT ME TO, I'LL GIVE YOU A BUZZ. >> O.K.

SO, YEAH, SO, SO, YOU'LL CALL?

>> YEAH, SURE.

>> YOU'LL CALL?

>> SURE.

>> BECAUSE I'M GONNA BE ON THE ROAD, YOU KNOW, AND, UH,

SO, LIKE, I MIGHT BE OUT OF, LIKE, SIGNAL IN CERTAIN, UH,

NETWORK AREAS, WITH MY, WITH MY SERVICE PROVIDER.

SO, IF THAT HAPPENS, DON'T, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NOT

PICKING UP, YOU KNOW.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> YOU CAN LEAVE A VOICE, A VOICE MESSAGE ON MY

VOICE MAIL MACHINE.

>> COOL.

COOL.

>> SO, COOL.

SO, YOU'LL CALL.

>> ALL RIGHT.

TAKE IT EASY.

>> Man: ♪ HAVE WE COME OF AGE

TO THIS? ♪ ♪ IS THIS ALL WE'LL EVER GET?

♪ HIDDEN TRUTH AND LIES AND BLAME ♪

♪ SAID YOU BLEED A POOR MAN'S BLOOD ♪

♪ BUT IT'S NOT YOURS MIXED WITH THE MUD ♪

♪ YOU COULD NEVER DIE LIKE THAT ♪

♪ GRACE TO THEE ♪ EMPATHY

>> Chorus: ♪ OOH...♪ >> ♪ MAY YOU NEVER

SLEEP WELL AGAIN ♪

SLEEP WELL AGAIN ♪

♪ IT'S A LARGER FRAME WE'LL NEED ♪

♪ IT'S A PICTURE INCOMPLETE ♪ YOU'RE A TRAGEDY AT BEST

♪ AS WE FALL APART, YOU'LL SEE

♪ THAT IT'S A SHAME THAT IT COULDN'T BE ♪

♪ WELL, I GUESS SOMEONE ELSE KNEW BETTER ♪

♪ OH ♪ GRACE TO THEE

♪ EMPATHY >> ♪ OOH...♪

>> ♪ WELL, MAY YOU NEVER SLEEP WELL AGAIN ♪

♪ GRACE TO THEE ♪ EMPATHY

>> ♪ OOH...♪ >> ♪ AND MAY YOU NEVER

SLEEP WELL AGAIN ♪

SLEEP WELL AGAIN ♪

♪ LITTLE ANGELS LEFT BY THE ROADSIDE SMILE ♪

♪ LITTLE ANGELS LEFT BY THE ROADSIDE SMILE ♪

♪ LITTLE ANGELS LEFT BY THE ROADSIDE SMILE ♪

♪ LITTLE ANGELS LEFT BY THE ROADSIDE, WHOA... ♪

♪ GRACE TO THEE

AND EMPATHY ♪ ♪ AND MAY YOU NEVER

SLEEP WELL AGAIN. ♪