All language subtitles for French without tears (1976).En

(BRIAN WHISTLING)

Morning, Babe. (SNIFFS)

"She has ideas above her station."

-What's that?
-How would you say that in French?

-What?
-" She has ideas above her station."

She has ideas above her station?
She has ideas...

-Marianne?
-Oui, monsieur.

(BRIAN AND MARIANNE SPEAKING FRENCH)

I'm getting pretty hot at this stuff,
don't you think?

You know, nowadays, it's quite an effort
for me to go back to English.

Well, if you're so hot,
you'd better tell me how to say

"She has ideas above her station."

Oh, yes, I forgot.

Well, it's fairly easy, old boy.

(SPEAKING FRENCH WITH ENGLISH ACCENT)

You can't do it like that.

You can't say... (SPEAKING FRENCH)

It isn't that sort of station.

-Don't ask me.
-I thought you were so hot at French.

Well, as a matter of fact,
that isn't strictly the truth.

Now, if a Frenchman asked me
where the pen of his aunt was,

chances are I could give him
a pretty snappy comeback,

tell him it was
in the pocket of gardener.

Yes, doesn't help me much, though,
does it?

Sorry, old boy.

Well, I suppose I'd better
just do it literally.

Maingot'll throw a fit.

That doesn't worry you, does it?

Well, you're not going out
into the Diplomatic.

He doesn't really get worked up
about you.

I don't know about that.

The whole of his beard came off
yesterday when I was having my lesson.

No, but he doesn't really mind.

You know, its absolute physical agony
to him when I do something wrong.

He knows as well as I do I haven't got
one chance in a thousand of getting in.

Don't say that, old boy.
You're breaking my heart.

Yes, but it's true.

Well, as a matter of fact, Alan told me
that you had a pretty good chance.

Did he really?

And he ought to know, oughtn't he?

Isn't he Maingot's red-hot tip
for the Diplomatic Stakes?

If he was keener about getting in,
he'd walk it.

Well, he will anyway, I should think.

I think I'll make a book
on the result this year.

I'll lay evens on Alan.

A class colt with a nice free action.
Will win if he can get the distance.

What about me?

I'll lay you threes about yourself.

Threes? Ha. More like twenties.

Oh, I don't know.
Nice looking colt. Good stayer.

Bit of a dog
from the starting gate, perhaps.

Well, say seven to two, then.

Ah, morning, Alan.
We were just talking about you.

Morning, Brian. Morning, Babe.

Not one blood-stained letter.

What were you saying about me?

I'm making a book on
the Diplomatic Stakes.

I'm laying evens about you.

Well, that's not very generous.

(CHUCKLING) Hell, you're the favourite!

What about the startling rumour
the favourite may be scratched?

Why, have they accepted your novel?

Do I look as if
they've accepted my novel?

Don't know how you do look
when they accept your novels.

Well, I hope, my dear Brian,

that one day you'll have the chance
of finding out.

But what's all this
about your scratching, then?

Probably just to give you
a better chance, ducky.

You're not serious about it, though,
old boy?

-Probably not.
-Alan, you must be mad.

Well, even if you do want to write
you could still do it in the Diplomatic.

Honestly, it seems quite crazy...

You're giving a tolerably good imitation
of my father. Pass the sugar.

What does His Excellency have
to say about the matter, by the way?

Sugar, half-wit.

Oh.

His Excellency says he doesn't mind
my choosing my own career one bit,

providing always it's the one that
he's chosen for me.

Broad-minded, eh?

That's right.
Always sees two sides to every question,

his own, which is the right one

and everybody else's ,
which is the wrong one.

But seriously, Alan, you can't really...

Stop it, child, for God's sake,
I didn't say I was going to scratch.

Well, you said you were
thinking about it.

Well, you know
I'm always thinking about it.

I very rarely think about anything else.

But I won't do it, so don't worry
your dear little head about it.

Ah, mes oeufs, as I live.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Ah, well...

-She's talking to you, old boy.
-(CHUCKLING)

(SPEAKING FLUENT FRENCH)

Bien, monsieur.

-Bien.
-Bien, monsieur.

What did she want?

Wanted to know if the Commander
took eggs with his breakfast.

Oh, I meant to ask you.

Did you see him
when he arrived last night?

Yes. I went to the station
with Maingot to meet him.

-What's he like?
-Very naval commander.

Oh, yes, old boy, but what's that?

Well, you know, carries with him the
salty tang of the sea wherever he goes.

Pity he's carried it here.

Paucot-sur-Mer
could do without any more salty tang

than it's got at the moment.

Has he a rolling gait?

Well, he was sober when he arrived.

No, no, no, old boy. Drunk or sober,
all sailors have a rolling gait.

Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

-Seriously, though, what's he like?
-Pretty hellish, I thought.

-Po-faced, I suppose?
-Mmm-hmm.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça, " po-faced" ?

(REPLYING IN FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Est-ce que vous connaissez...
un Lord Heybrook?

-Non, monsieur.
-Ah?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

-Do you know him?
-Lord Heybrook? No, old boy.

As matter of fact,
I did know a peer once.

But he died.
What about this Lord Heybrook, anyway?

-Coming here on the 15th.
-Français, monsieur!

(MAINGOT GRUNTING)

(RANTING IN FRENCH)

-Soûl?
-Drunk.

Oh. Non, monsieur.

(SPEAKING BROKEN FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Bonjour, Monsieur le Commandant.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Monsieur Curtis.
Monsieur Commander Rogers.

Monsieur Lake.
Monsieur Commander Rogers.

-Monsieur Howard vous connaissez déjà.
-Bonjour.

-Yes, we met last night.
-Hmm.

Shall I sit here?

That's Kit Neilan's place, as a matter
of fact. I think this is your place.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Thanks.

I've been told to ask you if you'd like
eggs with your breakfast...

Oui, monsieur! Mais voulez-vous
parler français, s'il vous plaît!

I'm afraid I don't speak your lingo
at all, you know.

Lingo? (CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH)

You must try.

Oui. No.

-What?
-Pardon?

Oui. Je ne...

-...want any eggs.
-Right. I'll tell Marianne.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Did you have a good crossing, sir?

Pretty bad, as a matter of fact.
Still, that didn't worry me.

-BRIAN: You're a good sailor?
-(CHUCKLING)

Of course, you would be.
I mean you are, aren't you?

Hah! Damn silly, old boy.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh. Moi, monsieur.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Poor Babe. He's going to be slaughtered.

Really? Why?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, what does that mean?

Well, it doesn't mean,
"She has ideas above her station."

The professor's pretty strict,
I suppose.

-Where work is concerned, he's a sadist.
-I'm glad to hear it.

I want to learn as much French as I can
and I'm starting from scratch, you know.

Are you learning it for
any special reason, then?

Yes, Interpretership exam,
seven months' time.

If you stay here for seven months
you'll either be dead or a Frenchman.

How long have you been here?

On and off for about a year.

But then I have
a way of preserving my nationality.

I wear a special charm.

Are you very pro-German, then?

Oh, he only wears that coat
to annoy Maingot.

I see. What do you wear in Germany?

A beret, usually.
Sabots are too uncomfortable.

(MAINGOT SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

Poor Babe. But he had it coming to him.

The Babe was having the horrors
this morning before you came down.

He said he hadn't got one chance
in a thousand of getting in.

-He hasn't .
-Of getting in what?

The Diplomatic.

Oh, you're all budding diplomats,
I suppose.

All except me.

I'm learning French for, uh,
commercial reasons.

He knows a lot already.
He can say " How much?" in French.

And you know how valuable that phrase is
in the world of, uh, commerce.

And that's not all, old boy.

I can say, " 50 francs?
Do you think I'm made of money?"

(REPEATING PHRASE IN FRENCH)

-Po-faced.
-Yes.

Who else is staying here at the moment?

Well, there's only Kit Neilan, I think,
you haven't met.

-Is he going into the Diplomatic, too?
-Yes.

By the way, Brian, what odds did you lay
against Kit in your book?

I didn't . But I should think

five to two against
would about make the case.

Oh, I don't know.

Odds must have lengthened considerably
these last few weeks.

Why? Oh, you mean Diana?

I say, old boy,
I hadn't thought of that.

You don't suppose there's a chance of
a well-fancied colt being withdrawn

before the big contest?

Oh, no, she won't marry him.

That is, not until she's exhausted
other possibilities.

Um, who is this girl?

Diana? She's Babe's ,
er, Kenneth Lake's sister.

She's staying here.

Is she learning French, too?

No, she just stops us from learning it.

No, she's staying here because
her people live in India

and she has nowhere else to go.

It must be rather dull for her here.

That girl wouldn't find it dull
on a desert island.

Unless it was deserted.

True. But one feels somehow
it wouldn't be deserted for very long

if she were on it.

-What do you mean by that?
-I've no idea.

She's a nice girl. You'll love her.

At least, it won't be her fault
if you don't .

I don't think I quite understand you.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I was forgetting.

You're of an age to
take care of yourself.

There is no need to call me " sir" ,
you know.

What you're implying is
that this girl is, er, rather fast.

I'm not implying it, I'm saying it.

That girl is the fastest worker
you're ever likely to see.

Oh.

What he means is she's just full of
joie de vivre and all that.

She's all right, really,
just likes company.

A battalion, you mean.

You sound embittered.

Embittered? Oh, no. Oh, dear me, no.

Both Brian and I, for reasons that
I won't go into now, are immune.

I just thought it as well to warn you
before you met her

that Diana Lake,
though a dear girl in many ways,

is slightly unreliable
in her emotional life.

You mean she isn't in love with
this chap, Kit what's -his-name,

who wants to marry her?

Well, the only reason I have for
supposing she isn't

is she says she is.
But that's good enough for me.

Well, Maingot's simple French phrases
are calling me.

Ah, yes, Maingot's phrasebook.
He's given me that to do, too.

Oh, good. Well then, very soon now

you'll be able to walk into a chemist
shop and say in faultless French,

"Please, sir. I wish a toothpaste
with a slightly stronger scent."

Oh, really?

Then think how nice it will be
if you're in a railway carriage

and you're able to inform
a fellow traveller

that the guard has just waved a red flag

to signify the locomotive
has run off the line.

Sounds a bit out of date, I must say.

Maingot's grandfather wrote it,
I believe.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Ah, I have a nasty feeling
that's Chi-Chi.

Who's Chi-Chi?

Well, that's not her real name.

MAINGOT: Monsieur Howard!

(MAINGOT SPEAKING FRENCH)

Allo?

Oui.

Attendez.

Me? Oh, hell!

Hello? Chi-Chi!

Comment ça va? Comment allez-vous? Quoi?

What?

Wait a minute, old girl.
Alan, take it for me, will you?

I can't hear a word she's saying.

Allo?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

She wants to know if you'll meet her
tonight at the casino.

Wants you to meet her sister.

Ask her if it's the one
I met last Tuesday.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

She says it's a different one.

Tell her it's okay, I'll be there.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I told that damn woman
not to ring me here.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Now what's bitten him?

Une fille doesn't mean a girl, Brian.

Really? It says so in my dictionary.
What does it mean, then?

-A tart.
-Oh.

Well, I hate to have to say it, old boy,

but having a strict regard
for the truth,

that's a fairly neat little description
of Chi-Chi.

See you two at lunch.

(BRIAN WHISTLING)

There in a nutshell you have the reason

for Brian's immunity to the charms
of Diana Lake.

-Really?
-Yes.

This place'll be rather a change for you
after your boat, won't it?

You mean my ship, don't you?

-Oh, is there a difference?
-There is.

Of course. It's a grave social error
to say " boat" for " ship" , isn't it?

Rather like mentioning a lady's name
before the royal toast.

Or talking about Harrow College.

-Yes, that would be very wrong.
-Yes.

Oh. Good morning.

Good morning, Diana.

I don't think you've met
Commander Rogers.

-How do you do?
-How do you do?

I didn't know you'd , uh... You must have
arrived last night, I suppose.

Well, don't you remember? You asked me
what train he was coming by.

-How are you this morning, Alan?
-Very well, thank you.

-Bet you didn't go in the water.
-Yes, I did.

-Right in?
-Yes, right in. Ask Kit.

Kit? You don't mean to say that
you got Kit to go bathing with you?

Yes, I did.

He's fetching my towel.
I left it behind.

-God! You women.
-What?

Without the slightest qualm and
just to gratify a passing whim,

you force a high-souled young man

to shatter one of his
most sacred principles.

What principle is that, if I might ask?

Oh, never, under any circumstances,
do anything hearty.

Personally, I rather enjoy
an early morning dip.

An early morning dip?

Yes. That's hearty, I suppose.

Well...

I quite agree with you,
Commander Rogers.

I don't think there's anything nicer
than a swim before breakfast.

You would like anything that gave you
a chance to come down to breakfast

-in a bathing dress.
-And does it shock you, Alan?

Unutterably.

Oh, well, I'll go and dress, then.

Oh, no. No point in that.
You've made one successful entrance,

don't spoil it by making another.

I don't think I quite understand you.

-Thank you.
-Diana does. Don't you, angel?

Has another publisher
refused your novel, darling?

-Morning.
-Well, well, well.

Well, why not?

I don't think you've met
Commander Rogers.

Oh, how do you do?
Heard you were coming.

-Did Diana go in the water?
-No.

Kit, you dirty liar.

I've done enough for you already
this morning.

I'm not going to perjure myself as well.

I had hoped you wouldn't be here, Alan,
to witness my shame.

You of all people.

An early morning dipper.

Oh, put it like that,
you make it sound worse than it is.

Say a 9:00 bather.

Mere toying with words
won't hide the truth.

Do you know, I think that girl
could make a go on a bicycle tour

of the Pyrenees
if she set her mind to it.

She could, you know, Alan.
That's the awful thing.

Ah.

I once went on a bicycle tour
of the Pyrenees.

Really?

Oh, hell, this coffee's cold. Marianne!

(SLIGHT FRENCH ACCENT) Marianne's
upstairs. Do you want anything?

Oh, hello, Jaq.

-Morning, darling.
-Oh, how do you do, Commander Rogers?

-I'm so glad you could come to us.
-How do you do?

I hope you found everything you want.

Yes, I did, thank you.

Did Marianne ask you if you wanted
eggs for breakfast?

-Oh, I don't want any, thanks.
-I see.

Well, don't worry about asking for
anything you need.

Oh, by the way, do you drink beer with
your meals or do you prefer wine?

Oh, beer, please, yes.
Nothing like a can of beer.

No. I suppose there isn't .

What were you shouting about,
by the way?

Oh, Jaq, darling, the coffee's cold.

Well, of course it's cold.
You're half an hour late for breakfast.

-Yes, but...
-You can't have any more

because Marianne's doing the rooms.

I thought perhaps, Jaq darling,
knowing how much you love me,

you might be an angel and
do something about it?

Certainly not.
It's against all the rules of the house.

Besides, you'd better go
and get dressed.

I'm giving you a lesson in five minutes.

In the near future, when
I'm Minister of Foreign Affairs,

this incident will play a large part in
my decision to declare war on France.

Oh! This is the last time
I'm going to do this for you.

You see what a superb diplomat
I should make?

In rather the Palmerston tradition,
wasn't it?

Was that Maingot's daughter?

-Yes. Her name's Jacqueline.
-Jacqueline?

Oh, I see. That's why you call her Jaq.

Yes, that's why we call her Jaq.

-She speaks English very well.
-She's been in England half her life.

She's going to be an English schoolmarm.

You'll like her. She's amusing.

-I still feel wet.
-You've got such lovely hair, darling.

That's why it takes so long to dry.

You know, Alan, this is a nice girl.

Yes, she's nice.

She's good, too.

Well, I must go upstairs.

I want to get my room ship-shape.

-And above board.
-Yes, and above board. Any objections?

Oh, no, no, no. No objection at all.
Make it as above board as you like.

Thank you very much. I'm most obliged.

I don't think he likes me.

Who does? I'm the only one
who can stand you

and then only in small doses.

Well, Kenneth adores you, anyway.

He's quite silly
the way he tries to imitate you.

Your brother shows remarkable acumen
sometimes.

Then, of course, I adore you, too,
but you know that.

Hey! Not going to have you adoring
anybody except me, do you understand?

Darling, you're not jealous of Alan,
are you?

I'm jealous of anyone you even look at.

All right. In future
I won't look at anyone except you.

-That's a promise?
-That's a promise.

(ALAN WHISTLING)

-Darling, you are cold.
-Oh, yes, I know.

I think I'll go up and dress
and not wait for coffee.

You've probably given me pneumonia
but I don't mind.

You could tear me up in little pieces

and trample on them
and I'd still love you.

Ah. Sweet little thing. Now, take these
things upstairs, darling, would you?

That's no reason why you should,
you know.

Should what?

Tear him up in little pieces
and trample on them.

So you're not going to look at anyone
except Kit?

This doesn't mean I'm falling for you.

-Doesn't it, Alan?
-No, it doesn't .

I am disappointed!

-What do you think of the Commander?
-I think he's quite nice.

Yes.

Yes. And I want to tell you,

it's no good starting anything with him,
you know.

-Oh, don't be silly, Alan.
-No, darling. It really isn't .

Because you see,
I've warned him against you.

You've warned him? What did you say?

Well, I told him what you are.

Well, this rather is a new role for you,
isn't it? Playing wet nurse to the Navy?

-Don't you think it suits me?
-No, darling. I'm afraid I don't .

What are you doing it for?

Well, it's not because
I'm fond of the Commander.

As a matter of fact,
it'd rather amuse me

to see you play hell with the Commander.
But I do like Kit. That's why.

-So, no hanky-panky with the Navy or...
-Or what?

Or I shall have to be rather
beastly to you, darling,

and you know you wouldn't like that.

Oh, you don't understand me
at all, Alan.

I understand every little bit of you,
Diana, through and through.

Well, I've got to go and finish
something for Maingot.

See you lunchtime.

-Alan.
-Yes?

What do you mean by hanky-panky?

I should tell you?

-Oh. Thank you so much.
-Where's Kit?

He's gone up to dress. He felt cold.

Huh! Isn't that like him?

Well, you can tell him from me I'm not
going to make him any more coffee,

however loud he screams.

Yes, I'll tell him and
I think you're quite right.

-Hello.
-Oh, hello, Commander Rogers.

Looking for something?

Yes, Maingot's phrasebook,
as a matter of fact.

Ah! Here it is.

-No, it isn't .
-Let me help you.

-I think I know where it is.
-That's very kind of you.

-Here.
-Thank you.

I'm most grateful.

Well, what are your first impressions of
Monsieur Maingot's establishment?

Oh, I think it will be
rather cheery here.

-I'm sure you'll love it.
-Yes, I'm sure I will.

The boys are so nice, don't you think?

Er, yes, well, some of them.

I suppose you find Alan a bit startling,
don't you?

-Alan?
-The one with the German coat.

Oh, yes, yes. He is a bit startling.

-I'd better be running along.
-Why?

You've got your room pretty well
ship-shape by now, haven't you?

-Yes, I have, thank you.
-Oh, well, don't go for a bit.

Stay and talk to me
while I have my coffee.

-Have you got a cigarette?
-Yes, I have.

Thanks.

I was saying about Alan...

-Match?
-Thanks.

What was I saying?

-About Alan.
-Oh, yes. About Alan.

He's really very nice but you mustn't
take everything he says seriously.

No, I won't , of course.

He is just the tiniest bit,
you know, unbalanced.

-Oh, really?
-I thought it as well to warn you.

-Yes, thanks.
-Otherwise it might lead to trouble.

-Yes, it might.
-Mmm. Poor Alan.

-Afraid he's got it very badly.
-Er, got what?

Well, I shouldn't say it but...

-Oh?
-I'm awfully sorry for him, of course.

Of course.

It's so funny, because from the way
he behaves to me

and the things he says about me, I mean,
you'd think he hated me, wouldn't you?

Yes, you would. Doesn't he?

No! Oh, no, far from it.

Oh, I see.
You mean he's rather keen on you?

Well, I mustn't give him away.
It wouldn't be fair.

But if he ever talks to you about me,
as he probably will,

and tries to give you the impression

that I'm a scheming wrecker
of men's lives,

well, would you needn't
necessarily believe him.

No, I won't , of course. But I don't see
why he should, you know.

Well, you see, Commander Rogers...

Ooh, I like Alan.

But I don't like him as much as perhaps
he wants me to,

and I suppose that makes him feel
rather embittered.

I see.

Well, don't let's talk any more about it
'cause it's not a very pleasant subject.

Tell me about yourself.

Tell me about the Navy.

I'm always thrilled to death
by anything to do with the sea.

Oh, really? That's splendid.

Must be a wonderful life.

Yes, it is a pretty good life,
on the whole.

Marvellously interesting,
I should think.

Well, pretty interesting, yes.

I bet you've had any amount of
wildly exciting experiences.

Oh, well, you know, things have
a way of happening in the Navy.

Yes, I'm sure they have.

You naval people never talk about
yourselves, do you?

Ah, well, you know,
silent service and all that.

Yes, I know.

Oh, but I do hope you're not going to be
too silent with me

because honestly,
I'm so terribly interested.

Well, I'll try not to be
too silent, then. (CHUCKLES)

What are you doing this morning?

Oh, nothing special. Why?

How would you like to have
a look round the town?

-Hasn't Kit come down yet?
-I'd love to.

Good!

Well, I'll go and get dressed
and we'll go for a little stroll.

-But isn't it rather a bore for you?
-Oh, no, of course not. I'd love it.

-Diana.
-Yes?

If you're going past Kit's room,
you might give him this.

Right. Right, I will.

Are you sure I'm not dragging you away
from your work or anything?

No, not at all. Maingot hasn't given me
anything to do yet.

Oh, good.
Well, I'll go and get dressed, then.

I'll see you down here in about
a quarter of an hour?

Right.

Going for a little constitutional,
Commander?

Yes.

Well, you've a nice day for it.

(SINGING IN GERMAN)

Lovely song, The Lorelei,
don't you think?

-It could be.
-True.

A stupid fable, anyway.

I ask you, what sailor
would be lured to his doom

after he'd been warned of the danger?

If you think that's funny, I don't .

Oh, Commander Rogers,
Maingot wants to see you a moment.

Thank you.

Well, Babe, I suppose you were murdered
by the old man.

Yes. More so than usual this morning.

Babe, I don't like your sister.

Oh, don't you?
I thought you did like her.

Rather a lot.

-Morning, Kenneth.
-Morning, mademoiselle.

-Had your lesson?
-Yes.

I've got to do
the whole damn thing again.

I wish to God I had your brains, Alan.

Kit is a monster. He's never been
on time for his lesson yet.

What have you done to your hair, Jaq?

Do you like it?

No. It's a mistake.

You won't beat her by copying
the way she does her hair.

He'll like it, Alan, I'm sure he will.

-" He" won't notice it.
-He will, you'll see.

-I'll bet you 50 francs he doesn't .
-All right, that's a bet.

Oh, go and change it
while there's still time, Jaq.

-Make it look hideous like it used to.
-No.

Poor Jaq. I must find you someone else
to fall in love with.

So long as you don't tell him that
I adore him, I don't mind what you do.

Anyone less half-witted than Kit
would have seen it years ago.

Do you think if Diana were
out of the way I might stand a chance?

You're not thinking of putting her
out of the way, are you?

Well, honestly, Alan, I wouldn't mind
if she made him happy.

But she doesn't .
She seems to enjoy making him miserable.

And now that the Commander's here,
it's going to be much worse.

You know what I mean, don't you?

Mmm. I have an idea.

Well, can't we do
anything about it, Alan?

Yes, go and change that hair, Jaq.
It's your only chance.

Jaq, I have something to tell you.
Go away please, Alan.

-This is confidential.
-What is it, Kit?

-I haven't done that work you set me.
-Oh, Kit, why not?

Well, I took Diana to
the casino last night...

-Kit, really!
-But as a great treat,

I'll translate you some La Bruyère
this morning. So, come on.

I set you that work specially
because I thought it would interest you.

And anyway, you can't afford to
slack off now before your exam.

Now, you sit down and open your nice
La Bruyère and be quiet.

(SIGHING)

Comfortable? Page 108.

Listen, Alan. You can learn a lot by
hearing French beautifully translated.

Oh.

Chapter 4. Of the Heart.

-Of love.
-Of love, then.

"There is a fragrance in pure love..."

"In pure friendship."

"...which cannot be attained by those
who are born mediocre.

"Friendship can exist between people
of different sex..."

-You don't say?
-I don't , but La Bruyère does.

"Friendship can exist between people
of different sex,

"quite exempt from all grossness."

-" Quite free from all..."
-Hanky-panky?

"Quite free from all unworthy thoughts."

"Quite exempt from all grossness."

I know what it is.
It's been bothering me all the time.

You've changed your hair,
haven't you, Jaq?

Yes, Kit, I've changed my hair.

Alan, do look at Jaq.
She's changed her hair.

So she has. Well, well, well.

I knew you'd done something to yourself.

It's queer, you know,
makes you look quite...

-Quite what, Kit?
-I was going to say " alluring" .

(BOTH GIGGLING)

-You do like it anyway, Kit?
-Yes, I do.

-I think it's very nice.
-You think I ought to keep it like this?

Sorry, Maingot wants to take me now.
So, would one of you mind telling Diana,

I mean Miss Lake,
that we'll have to postpone our walk?

-Yes, I'll tell her.
-Thank you.

-You think I ought to keep it like this?
-Keep what?

My hair!

Oh, don't be such a bore
about your hair, Jaq.

Yes, keep it like that.
It'll get a laugh, anyway.

50 francs, please, Alan.

Merci. Merci.

Well, he's in belligerent.
I know him well.

Cheery cove. It was an amusing
story about him, as a matter of fact.

He got a bit tight once in Portsmouth

and broke seven Belisha beacons
with an air pistol.

-No!
-(CHUCKLING) Yes.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Please to tell
your little story in French.

Oh, come now, sir. That's a bit unfair.
I don't know enough.

You should have learnt enough,
my Commander.

Yes, but dash it, sir,
I've only been here a few days.

Two weeks, my Commander.

After two weeks, my pupils
are usually enough advanced

to tell me little stories in French.

Well, I can't tell this one, sir.
It wasn't a story, anyway.

(CONVERSING IN FRENCH WITH MAINGOT)

(RECOUNTING THE COMMANDER'S STORY
IN FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça,
Belisha beacons?

(ALL SPEAKING FRENCH)

So, one finds it funny in England

to break with a pistol of wind
these religious emblems?

Well...

(SIGHING)

-Damn you, Howard.
-Jolly good story, I thought.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Ah, one moment, please.

I speak in English for those of you
who do not understand.

How many of you are going tonight
to the costume ball

and great battle of flowers
at the casino?

Please to hold up your hands.

-Lord, is it July the 14th, already?
-All of you. Good.

The festivities commence at 8:00.

There will be no dinner here, all right.

Ah! One moment.

I give my history lecture at 2:30,
that is to say, in 21 minutes' time.

All right.

How about a game of
Japanese billiards, Diana?

Bill's asked me to play.
I'll play you afterwards, Kit.

Come on, Bill.

Sorry, Neilan.

Alan, will you give me a hand with
that essay now? You said you would.

Oh, hell. Can't you do it yourself?

Well, yes, I could. But it might mean
missing this dance tonight

and I'd hate that.

Oh, go on. It's on Robespierre and
I know nothing about him.

Well, there's a chapter on him in
Lavisse. Why don't you copy that out?

The old man won't notice.
Probably say it isn't French, but still.

Oh, go on, Alan. Be a sportsman.

Nothing I should hate more.

Oh, hell!

(CLEARING THROAT)

I say, old boy, you couldn't lend me
50 francs, could you?

No, I couldn't .

At any rate, not until you've paid me
back that hundred you owe me.

Ah, I see your point.

Oh, well, no ill feelings, old boy.

I shall just have to put
Chi-Chi off for tonight, that's all.

You weren't thinking of taking her
to this thing at the casino, were you?

Ah, yes.

What do you think Maingot
would have said if he'd seen her?

Oh, that would have been all right.

I told him I was taking
the daughter of the British Consul.

But she doesn't exactly look like

the daughter of
the British Consul, does she?

It is a fancy dress ball.

It's just possible
the daughter of the British Consul

might go dressed as
Nana of the Boulevards.

Still, I admit that if
he'd actually met her,

he might have found it odd that
the only English she knew was,

"I love you, Big Boy."

How do you manage to talk to her, then?

Oh, we get along, old boy. We get along.

You couldn't make it 30 francs,
could you?

No, and I don't suppose
Chi-Chi could, either.

No. Well, you may be right.

I'd better pop round in the car
and tell her I won't be there tonight.

Listen, Brian, if you want someone
to take, why don't you take Jaq?

Isn't anyone taking her?

-Yes, I'm supposed to...
-You, old boy?

What about Diana?

She's being taken by the Commander.

Oh. Well, as a matter of fact,
I don't think I'll go at all.

I don't fancy myself
at a battle of flowers.

Nor do I, if it comes to that.

I don't know. I think you'd
hurl a prettier bloom than I would.

Well, so long.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

God knows why Brian finds it necessary
to have a car that sounds like...

like five dictators all talking at once.

It goes with his character, Kit.

He'd think it was effeminate to
have a car which was possible to sit in

without getting cramp
and that didn't deafen one.

I wonder what it's like to be
as hearty as Brian?

Oh, awful, I should think.

Ah, I should think very pleasant.
Have you ever seen Brian bad-tempered?

No, but then, I think it's just stupid
to be bad-tempered.

It doesn't follow. Cats and dogs
are bad-tempered sometimes.

You know, Brian may be stupid
but he's right-minded.

He's solved the problem of living
better than any of us.

It seems a simple solution, too.

All it needs apparently is
the occasional outlay of 50 francs.

I wish I could do the same.

Oh, I expect you could if you tried.

I have tried, often.
Doesn't that shock you?

No. No, why should it?

-Just wondered.
-No, I'm a woman of the world.

That's the last thing you are, Jaq.
But I'll tell you this,

I like you so much that sometimes
it's quite an effort to remember

-that you're a woman at all.
-Oh.

I thought you liked women.

Oh, I don't think one likes women,
does one?

One loves them sometimes, but
that's a different thing altogether.

Still, I like you. That's what's so odd.

Thank you, Kit. I like you, too.

Good, that's nice for both of us,
isn't it?

Clumsy.

Have you found anything to wear
for tonight?

Supposing I didn't go, would you mind?

Oh, well, I had been rather
looking forward to tonight.

Well, Alan could take you.
He's a better dancer than I am.

Why don't you wear that Greek dress
of my brother's ?

Jaq, you know, I don't think I could
cope with a battle of flowers.

Well, could I get into this dress
of your brother's ?

Oh, yes! Easily.
It may be a bit tight but...

That reminds me, I hope there'll be
plenty to drink at this affair.

There's nothing else for it.
I shall have to murder that man.

-Who?
-The Commander.

Surely that's my privilege, isn't it?

I've just been watching him play
Japanese billiards with Diana.

Now, you would think, wouldn't you,

that Japanese billiards
was a fairly simple game.

I mean, you either roll those
wooden balls into the holes

or you don't .
That should be the end of it.

As played by the Commander,
it becomes some sort of naval battle.

Every shot is either a plunging salvo,

a blasting broadside or
a direct hit amidships.

At least he has the excuse that
it amuses Diana.

-Mmm.
-Will you explain to me, Alan,

as an impartial observer,

how she can bear to be more than
two minutes in that man's company?

Certainly. He's in the process of
falling in love with her.

-Yes, that's obvious but...
-When one hooks a salmon,

one has to spend a certain
amount of time playing it.

If one doesn't , it escapes.

-Was that meant to be funny?
-Of course.

When the salmon is landed, all that's
necessary is the occasional kick

to stop it from slipping
back into the water.

Don't be a damned fool!

Tomorrow, a certain Lord Heybrook
is arriving.

Diana is naturally rather anxious to
bring the Commander to the gaff

as quickly as possible so that she can
have two nice, fat fish

gasping and squirming about on the bank

before she starts to fish for what'll
be the best catch of all of you.

If she can bring it off.

No wonder you can't get anyone
to take your novel.

I fail to see what my novel has to do
with the machinations of a scalp-hunter.

Listen, Alan,
one more crack like that...

He's quite right. You shouldn't say
things like that.

What do you know about it, anyway?

Well, nothing. Only I was...

Well, please go away.
This is between Alan and me.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Now, will you please understand this?
I am in love with Diana

and Diana is in love with me.

Now, that's not too hard for you
to grasp, is it?

Because I'll repeat it again slowly
if you like.

Oh, no, no, no. I've read about
that sort of thing in books.

The Commander, of course,
is just the old friend

who's known her since she was so high.

The Commander's in love with her.

But you can't blame Diana for that.

Of course I don't . It was a jolly smart
piece of work on her part.

She's too kind-hearted
to tell him to go to hell.

I suppose it's because
she's so kind-hearted

that she calls him " darling"

and plays these peculiar games
with him all over the place?

I called you an impartial observer
a moment ago.

Well, you're not. I believe
you're in love with Diana yourself.

My dear Kit!

As a matter of fact, I admit it's quite
possible I shall end by marrying her.

You'll what?

But that will only be to strike another
sporting metaphor

like the stag who turns at bay
through sheer exhaustion of being...

-My God, Alan! I've a good mind to...
-I shouldn't .

Make us both look rather silly.

And besides,

you know how I disapprove
of fighting over a woman.

(SIGHING)

Well, I don't understand you at all,
Diana.

At least, I think I do understand you

but if you don't mind me saying it,
I think you're too kind-hearted.

-Far too kind-hearted.
-Yes, I think I am.

For instance, I can't understand
why you just don't tell Kit.

-Oh, Bill, please.
-I'm sorry to keep on at you, Diana.

But I can't tell you how much
I resent him behaving

as if you were still in love with him.

Oh, but I can't tell him.
Well, not yet, anyway.

Surely you must see how cruel
that would be.

But this is a case where you
must be cruel to be kind.

Yes, Bill, that's true.
That's terribly true.

But you know, cruelty is something
that's physically impossible to me.

I'm the sort of person that's miserable
if I tread on a snail.

You must tell him, Diana.

Otherwise, it's so unfair on him.
Tell him now.

-Oh, no, not now.
-Well, this evening, then.

Well, I'll try
but it's a terribly hard thing to do.

It's like kicking someone
when he's down.

I know, old girl.
It's a rotten thing to have to do.

You mustn't think I don't sympathise
with you, you know.

Oh, Bill, I do feel such a beast.

Yes, I know,
but these things happen, don't they?

I can't understand it even yet.

I loved Kit.

Or at least I thought I did and then...

And then you happened and...and...

Oh, Bill, do you do this
to all the women you meet?

-Do what?
-Sweep them off their feet

so that they forget everything
in the world except you.

Diana, will you give me
a truthful answer

-to a question I'm going to ask you?
-Oh, yes, of course, Bill.

Are your feelings for me mere
infatuation or do you really love me?

Oh, you know, I do, Bill.

Oh, darling.

-And you don't love Kit any more?
-Well, I'm still fond of him.

-But you don't love him?
-Oh, no, Bill. I don't love him.

And you'll tell him so?

-Hello, Jacqueline.
-Hello, Diana.

Rather warm, isn't it?

You don't think she saw anything,
do you?

I don't know.

She may have been watching
from the kitchen the whole time.

I wouldn't put it past her.

Well, what does it matter?
Everyone will know soon enough.

-She's the sort of girl who'll talk.
-Let her.

Bill, you don't understand.

Our feelings for each other
are too sacred

to be soiled by vulgar gossip.

Yes, but darling, we can't go on
keeping it a secret forever.

Oh, not forever. But don't you find it
thrilling to have such a lovely secret

just between us and no one else?

Oh.

(BOTH MOUTHING)

You people have got a lecture now,
haven't you?

In about five minutes.

Oh, well, I think I'll go for
a little walk by myself.

We'll have our bathe about four,
don't you think, Bill?

Well, Neilan.
How's the world treating you?

-Bloodily.
-Oh, I'm sorry to hear it.

-What's the trouble?
-Everything.

-(BRIAN'S CAR CHUGGING)
-Oh. This do tonight at the casino

ought to be rather a cheery affair,
don't you think?

Who are you taking?

-Jacqueline.
-Jacqueline?

-Yes, Jacqueline.
-Oh, that's a charming girl.

Charming, amusing, pretty, clever.
She'll make someone a fine wife.

She's what the French call sympathique.

-Do they? I didn't know.
-Oh, yes, they do.

Far nicer than most modern girls.

-(WHISTLING)
-Take some of these English girls...

You take them. I want to read.

- # Somebody stole my girl... #
-Blast you, Brian!

What's the matter, old boy?
Don't you like my voice?

No. And I don't like that song, either.

Somebody Stole My Girl?
Rather nifty, I thought.

Yes, well, perhaps you're right.
Not one of my better efforts.

This has just come for Alan.
Feels suspiciously like his novel.

You won't believe this,
but I used to sing in my school choir.

Only because I was in the rugger 15,
I admit.

What's the old boy lecturing on today?

The Near East, I suppose.
He didn't finish it yesterday.

Good Lord, was it
the Near East yesterday?

I thought it was
the Franco-Prussian War.

You must get a lot of value
out of these lectures.

I only understand one word in a hundred.

Rather the same in my case.

Ah, lend me your notes in case
the old boy has

-the impertinence to ask me a question?
-Ah.

I see the novel has
returned to father again.

Open it, old boy.
There may be a marvellous letter inside.

Oh, there'll be a letter, all right.
But I don't need to read it.

Oh, bad luck. Still,
you mustn't give up hope yet, though.

First novels are always refused,
hundreds of times.

I know a bloke who's been writing novels
and plays and things all his life.

He's 50 now and he's still hoping
to get something accepted.

Thank you, Brian. Very comforting.

Will you let me read it sometime?

Would you like to?
I'm afraid you'd hate it.

Why? What's it about?

Well, it's about two young men who take
a vow to desert their country instantly

in case of war and go and live
on a farm in Central Africa.

And?

Well, war breaks out and they go.

One of them takes his wife.

They go not because they're any
more afraid to fight than the next man

but because they believe that violence
in any circumstances to be a crime

and if the world goes mad,
it's their duty to remain sane.

I see, conchies.

Yes. Conchies.

Well, when they arrive on their farm,

one of them makes love
to the other one's wife

and they fight over her.

Ah. That's a good point.

Yes, but in fighting for her,
they realise that the motive

that made them do it is
as vile as the impulse they feel

to go back and fight for their country.

In both cases, they're letting their
passions get the better of their reason,

becoming animals instead of men.

But that's nonsense.
I mean, if a man fights for his country

or his wife, he's a man,
not a damn conchie.

Well, the characters in my book have
the honesty not to rationalise

the animal instinct to fight

into something noble
like patriotism or manliness.

They admit that
it's an ignoble instinct,

something to be ashamed of.

Ashamed of? Crikey.

They also admit that their reason
isn't strong enough

to stand out against this
ignoble instinct.

So they go back and they fight.

Ah, that's more like it.
So they were proved wrong in the end?

Well, their ideal wasn't proved wrong

because they were unable
to live up to it.

That's the point of the book.

What's the use of an ideal
if you can't live up to it?

Well, in a hundred years' time,
men may be able to live up to our ideals

even if they can't live up to their own.

Yes, that's it. Progress.

Progress, my fanny.

Yeah, but look here.
Supposing some rotter came along

and stole your best girl,
well, you'd fight him, wouldn't you?

You'd better ask me that question,
hadn't you?

-What the devil do you mean by that?
-And the answer would be yes.

That's very interesting, I'm sure.

By the way, I forgot to tell you,

in my novel, when the two men
go back to fight for their country,

they leave the woman in Central Africa.

You see, after fighting over her,

they'd come to the conclusion
she's a bitch.

It would have been so much better,
don't you think,

if they'd realised that sooner?

All right, you've asked for it.

Don't be a daft fool. (GROANING)

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Yes, what the hell do you think
you're doing?

Shut up, you damn lot of fools!

-Kit, show some sense, for God's sake!
-(ALL GROANING)

Look out. Maingot!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(ALL SIGHING)

Hello, Diana.
Aren't you getting dressed?

Darling, you look too lovely.

Do you like it?

I adore it. I think it's sweet.

Oh, but if I were you, dear,
I'd wear that hat

just a little more
on the back of the head.

Look, I'll show you.

Oh, no, that's not quite right.

I wonder if it would look better
without a hat at all?

-Oh, no, you must wear a hat.
-Oh. I suppose my hair's wrong.

Well, it isn't quite Bavarian,
is it, darling?

Oh, it's very nice, of course.

I've got something to say to you, Diana.
Do you mind if I say it now?

Of course not. Oh, Lord,
there's a bit of braid coming off here.

-Oh!
-Don't move, I'll fix it.

Well, if you look in the drawer over
there, you'll find a needle and thread.

-Right.
-But you needn't trouble.

Oh, that's all right, it's no trouble.

I enjoy doing this sort of thing.

Well, what was it you wanted to
say to me?

I overheard your conversation this
afternoon with the Commander.

All of it or just part of it?

I heard you say that
you were in love with the Commander

and that you didn't love Kit.

Oh, now, scream if I prick you,
won't you?

Is that what you wanted to tell me?

Well, I wanted to know if you were going
to tell Kit that you didn't love him?

-Why?
-Because if you don't , I will.

Oh, my dear,
I think that would be very silly.

He won't believe you,
it will make him very unhappy

and worst of all,
he'll be furious with you.

-Yes, that's true, I suppose.
-There.

-How's that?
-Hmm?

Oh, yes, that's splendid.
Thanks so much.

So you won't leave Kit alone?

Now, let's be honest for a moment.

Don't let's talk about love
and things like that.

Just plain facts.

You and I both want the same man.

-But you don't love him.
-Yes, I do.

-But what about the Commander?
-I want him, too.

-Oh!
-Don't look shocked, darling.

You see, I'm not like you.
You're clever.

You can talk intelligently.
And you're nice.

-That's a horrid word.
-Now, I'm not nice,

I'm not clever and
I can't talk intelligently.

There's only one thing I've got.

And I don't think you'll deny it,
I have got a sort of gift

for making men fall in love with me.

Oh, no. No, I don't deny that at all.

Oh, thank you, darling.
I didn't think you would.

Well, now, you've been sent into
the world with lots of gifts

and you make use of them.

Well, what about me
with just my one gift?

I must use that, too, mustn't I?

Oh, Diana,

I do see your point of view.

I do see that you must have
men in love with you.

But couldn't you please,
couldn't you make the Commander do?

No, I always act on the principle
that there's safety in numbers.

Well, there's this Lord Heybrook
arriving tomorrow.

Supposing I let you have the Commander
and him?

Oh, no, darling, I'm sorry.
I'd do anything else for you.

But if you want Kit,
you must win him in fair fight.

But you know I don't stand
a chance against you.

Well, to be perfectly honest,
I don't think you do.

I only hope you make
some dreadful blunder

so that he finds out
the game you're playing.

I don't make blunders. He's taking you
to the casino tonight, isn't he?

Yes. But he's so furious because
you're going with the Commander,

he's going to give me
the most dreadful evening.

That's all right, I'm not going.

I don't feel like it,
as a matter of fact.

-But have you told the Commander?
-Yes, he's furious, poor poppet.

Still, it's very good for him.

I wonder if you realise
the trouble you cause?

Do you know there was a fight about you
this afternoon?

Yes, I hear Alan was in it.

That's very interesting.

-KIT: Jaq, where are you?
-Does Kit know you're not going tonight?

Jaq, I can't get into this damn coat.

-Kit, you look angelic.
-Will you shut up?

If you could see yourself.

I did tell you it would be rather
a tight fit.

Well, it's miles too small.

Would you mind terribly
if I didn't come?

I can't go dressed as
an inebriated danseuse.

Don't be silly, Kit.
It's going to look lovely.

Honestly, though, Jaq,
I don't think I'll come.

-You wouldn't mind.
-I'd mind awfully.

Well, Alan's not going.
I don't think I can face it, really.

I've asked Babe if he'll take you.
He says he'd love to.

-I hear you're not going, Diana.
-No, I feel rather like you about it.

You know, they're dancing
in the streets tonight.

We might get rid of the others later and
go out and join in the general whoopee.

-What do you say?
-Oh, that's a lovely idea, Kit.

I'm awfully sorry, Jaq, but honestly...

Oh, that's all right.

I'm going to have a lovely time
with Kenneth.

She seems rather odd.
You don't think she minds, do you?

How on earth should I know?

Darling, if we do go out tonight,

you will get rid of the Commander,
won't you?

If he comes, I won't be answerable
for the consequences.

He's not so easy to get rid of.
He clings like a limpet.

Still, I'll do my best.

I can't understand why you just
don't tell him to go to hell.

Oh, that'd be a little cruel,
wouldn't it, Kit?

Well, as someone once said,
why not be cruel only to be kind?

Yes, Kit, that's true.
That's terribly true.

But you know, cruelty is something
that's physically impossible to me.

I'm the sort of person that's miserable
if I tread on a snail.

But can't you see, darling?
It's unfair on him

to let him go on thinking
he's got a hope.

Poor old Bill. Oh, well, darling,
come and give me a kiss

-and say you love me.
-With pleasure.

I love you.

What the devil do you think
you're doing?

I'll give you three guesses.

I've had about enough of this. I'm going
to teach this young puppy a lesson.

Oh, don't be silly, Bill.

-Out of my way, Diana.
-Do as the Commander says, Diana.

-You're both quite mad.
-(MAINGOT SPEAKING FRENCH)

Vous ne pouvez pas dire la différence
entre vous et un real Highlander.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

-(ALL CLAPPING)
-BRIAN: Oh, very good, sir.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH INCORRECTLY)

(CORRECTING BRIAN IN FRENCH)

-Have I said something?
-Yes.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

My God! What does he look like?

He looks perfectly sweet.

Goodbye, everyone,
you're all fools not to be coming.

We're going to have a lovely time.

-Alan, do change your mind and come.
-No thanks, Babe.

Have a lovely time.

Well, I'm going to have a drink.
Anybody coming with me?

-I'm ahead of you, old boy.
-Yes, I'm coming.

I suppose that means
I've got to pay for both of you?

Yes, it does.

-Well, what about you two?
-BOTH: No.

Oh, no. I see you're going to have
a musical evening.

-Now we can have our little talk.
-I don't intend to do much talking.

But I do. Diana has just this minute
given me a message to give you.

She wants you to understand that
she knows what you feel about her

and she's sorry for you.

But she must ask you not to take
advantage of her pity for you

to make her life a burden.

Right, now you've had your little joke,
maybe I'll tell you the truth.

This afternoon, Diana asked me to inform
you in as kindly a way as possible

that her feelings toward you
have changed entirely

and that she is now in love with me.

God, what a nerve!

Do you know what she's just said
about you?

She called you a silly old bore
who stuck like a limpet

-and weren't worth bothering about.
-Oh, she did, did she?

Yes, she did. And lot more besides
that wouldn't bear repeating.

All right, you lying young fool.
I've put up with you up to now

because I've felt sorry for you.

But now I see I'm going to
have to fight you.

-Put up your hands.
-With pleasure.

You look...
You look so funny in that get-up.

A little eccentric, I admit.
I'll go and change.

No, don't .
If you do, I'll have to fight you.

I can't when you're looking like that.
And if you go on looking like that,

it'll save us making idiots
of ourselves.

You know, that's rather sensible.
I'm surprised.

Look, let me tell you
my side of the case.

All right.

I've just had a talk with Diana.

She said you were in love with her.

I suggested to her that it was only fair
to you to let you know

exactly where you stood.

In other words,
that she was in love with me

and that you had no chance.

She answered that though what
I'd said was the truth...

She never said that.

Please don't interrupt.
...that what I'd said was the truth,

she couldn't tell you because
it would be too cruel.

I then said rather aptly that this was

a case where she should
be cruel only to be kind.

-You said what?
-Cruel only to be kind.

What did she say?

She said she found it
physically impossible to be cruel.

She said she was the sort of person who
was miserable if she'd trod on a snail.

What?

-Are you sure of this?
-Certainly.

What, she said she was miserable if
she'd trod on a snail?

Yes.

-Good God!
-What's the matter?

Well, it's awful.

I don't believe it. I can't believe it.

It's all a monstrous plot.

I believe you listened in on my
conversation with Diana this afternoon.

Why?

Because I also told her
she ought to be cruel only to be kind

and she gave me precisely the same
answer as she gave to you.

-You mean about the snail?
-Yes, about the snail.

In other words,
she's been double-crossing us.

-No, you've made all that up.
-I only wish I had.

-How do I know you're telling the truth?
-You'll have to take my word for it.

-Why should I?
-Do you want to make me fight you?

-Yes, I do!
-Well, I'm not going to!

We'd better face it.
Diana is in love with neither of us.

And she's made fools out of both of us.

But we don't know that.

I mean, that she's in love
with neither of us.

She may be telling lies to one
and the truth to the other.

Is that what your reason tells you?

No.

I feel rather sick.

I must have a stronger stomach than you.

I suppose you loved her more than I did.

Loved her? I still do love her, damn it!

I love her voice. I love
the way she walks. I love her face.

I love her figure.
None of that has changed.

Poor boy. It's simpler for me.

You see, what I loved about her
was her character.

You used to kiss her, I suppose?

Oh, yes.

You didn't ... You didn't ...

I loved her for her character.

-Did you?
-Well, no. Not really.

I see.

What are we going to do?

Well, we'd better face her together.

Ask her, point blank, which one of us
she really does love.

-If she says me, I'm done for.
-But you won't believe her.

I'll know she's lying,
but I'll believe her all the same.

-What if she says me?
-That's my only hope.

Then I hope for your sake she says me.

I say, Bill,
that's terribly kind of you.

-I may call you Bill, mayn't I?
-Oh, my dear Kit.

Do you know what I feel like doing
is to go out and get really very drunk.

Why don't we go and throw ourselves
in the sea instead?

No, I think my idea's better.

Yes, perhaps you're right.
Then, let's start now.

But my dear Kit,
you can't go looking like that.

Then let's go to this fancy dress thing
at the casino.

I haven't got anything to wear.

Put this over your flannels.

All right. Help me put it on.

What on earth...

Bill and I are going to the casino,
Alan. You've got to come, too.

Bill and you?

What is this? Some sort of new game?

Go and put something on.
You come, too, Brian.

-No, old boy. Not me.
-KIT: Go on, Alan.

We want to get out of the house
before Diana arrives.

-Where is she, by the way?
-Who cares?

Let me get this straight.

You want me to go to the ball with you
and the Commander?

Don't call him the Commander, Alan.
His name's Bill.

Bill?

Yes, Bill, and he's one of
the best fellows in the world!

We're going to get very drunk together,
aren't we, Kit?

-Kit?
-Screaming drunk, Bill.

I won't be a moment.

Well, this sounds like a party.

Brian, tell me how I can get hold of
your Chi-Chi?

-Is she going to the casino tonight?
-Yes, old boy.

-Well, how could I recognise her?
-I don't think you can miss her.

She won't miss you, anyway,
if you're going to the bar alone.

-Has she got a good figure?
-Well, I like it

but then, I'm easy to please.

From sideways on, it's a bit S-shaped,
if you know what I mean.

I should probably be lynched
in this thing.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, wait a minute!
What am I to tell Diana?

Tell her we're being cruel
only to be kind.

Tell her to be careful she doesn't go
treading on any snails.

Just tell her to go to hell.
That leaves no room for doubt.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I don't agree with you.
I don't agree with you at all.

You can't judge women by our
standards of right and wrong.

Well, they have none of their own.
So, how can he judge them?

Why judge them at all?
I mean, there they are, all of them,

I grant you, behaving absolutely nohow.

But still, that's what
they're there for.

And you've just got to take them
or leave them.

-I'll take them.
-I'll take vanilla.

Now, you tell me that Diana's a trollop.

Right, I shan't deny it.
I shall merely say that I, personally,

like trollops.

Well, you can like them
without loving them.

I mean, love is only sublimated sex,
isn't it?

Devilish, funny thing.

My old friend Freud,
the last time I met him,

said exactly the same thing.

He said, " Bill, old man.
Take my word for it.

"Love is only sublimated sex."

That's what old Freudy said.

I fear that Bill is what he would
describe himself as " half seas over" .

He's lucky.

The more I had to drink up in that foul
casino, the more sober I became.

What were you saying
about sublimated sex?

Well, only if that's
what you feel for Diana,

-why sublimate?
-Ah.

Because she's clever enough
to give me no choice.

How simple everything would be

if that sort of so-called virtue
were made illegal.

If it were just a question
of will you or won't you?

I mean, no one ought to be allowed
to get away with that,

"I'd like to, but I mustn't ."

It's that that causes all the trouble.

The Commander
has now definitely passed out.

You know, I like him, Kit.

It's quite amazing how pleasant he is
when you get to know him.

KIT: Yes, I know.

Do you realise,
if it hadn't been for Diana,

we'd probably have
gone on disliking him forever.

We've got to be grateful
to her for that.

I wonder why we disliked him
so much before tonight?

I'll tell you.

Good Lord, I thought you'd passed out.

Officers in the Royal Navy
never pass out.

They just fall on the ground
in an alcoholic stupor, I suppose.

Exactly.

Tell us why we disliked you, then.

All right.

Ah! Oh, thank you, my dear fellow.

Well, because you all had
made up your minds

to dislike me
before I ever came into this house.

All except Diana, that is to say.

From the moment I arrived,
you all treated me

as if I was some interesting old relic
from a bygone age.

We thought you were a bumptious bore.

Well, I may have seemed a...

a bortious bumpf,

but that's because I was in a blue funk
of you all. I mean, here I was,

never been away from my ship for more
than a few days at a time,

clumped down in the middle of
a strange house full of strange people,

all speaking either French,
which I couldn't understand,

or their own brand of English,
which was almost as difficult.

And all convinced that I was a half-wit.

Well, I'm damned.

As a matter of fact, I liked you all.

Oh. Well, that's very gratifying.

I didn't agree
with most of your opinions

but I enjoyed listening to them.

Do you know, it's done me
an awful lot of good being here.

One gets into a bit of a rut
in the service.

You'll find the same in the Diplomatic.

I know. One of the reasons
I want to chuck it.

Look, will you let me give you
a bit of advice about that?

I've been wanting to for a long time,

but I've always been afraid
you'd bite my head off if I did.

-Of course.
-Well, chuck it.

Go and do your writing.

-I'd go back to London tomorrow, only...
-Only what?

I don't know if I can write,
for one thing.

Ten to one, you can't .
But I wouldn't let that stop you.

Well, I've given you my advice,
for what it's worth.

I shall now go to bed
to sleep the sleep of the very drunk.

ALAN: You can't go yet.
You've got to wait for Diana.

Diana? Pooh!

Well, it's all very well for you to say,
"Diana? Pooh!"

But this weak-kneed, jelly-livered
protoplasm here

is still in her clutches.

Are you referring to me?

Diana has only got to raise
her little finger

and he'll go running back to her
screaming to be forgiven.

Well, then we must stop her
raising her little finger.

Exactly.

That's why we must face her together.

The united front.

We must scupper her
with a plunging salvo.

ALAN: Oh, no, let's please not do that.

She's only got to say
she still loves me.

My dear Kit.

If Diana has to choose between you
and Bill, she'll choose you.

You're younger, you're better-looking,

and you've got more money.
Don't you agree, Bill?

Well, he's certainly younger.
And he's certainly got more money.

You must be strong. You must be firm.

You show any weakness now,
you'll be a traitor to our sex.

By Jove, yes.

We must put up a strong show
in this engagement.

It's all very well for you to talk.
You don't know.

Haven't I resisted her attacks
for a whole month?

They were only little skirmishes.

You don't know what it is to bear
the whole brunt of her attack.

It's quite hopeless.

You can help me as much as you like.

But if she attacks me directly,
I should go under, I know that.

Do you hear that, Commander?

I submit that he be tried
for extreme cowardice

in the face of the enemy.

The court finds the prisoner guilty.

Mr Neilan, I must call upon you
to surrender your trousers.

Ah! I see you've come
into court without them.

Very well. I have no option
but to ask you for your skirt.

Come and get it.

I've been longing to get my hands
on that all night. Come on, Alan.

I say, chaps, stop it!

Hell!

No. No, don't !

Crikey.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed yourselves
at the casino.

Yes, thanks.

Brian gave me a message from you
which I found rather hard to understand.

Perhaps you'd explain it now.

Well, who's going to fire the first shot
of the salvo?

Come, come, gentlemen.

Oh, I see I must engage
the enemy on your behalf.

Diana, these two gentlemen
have good reason to believe

that you've been trifling
with their affections.

You've told Kit that you're in love
with him and bored by Bill.

And you've told Bill that you're in love
with him and bored by Kit.

So, now naturally, they'd like to know
exactly who you're in love with

and exactly who you're bored by.

-That's right.
-Oh, would they?

Well, are you going to
answer their question?

Certainly not!
Whom I love and whom I don't love

is entirely my own affair.
I've never heard such insolence.

Insolence!
She's good, this girl. She's very good.

May I please be allowed
to go to my room?

When you've answered their question.

I think you'd better let me go.

When you've given a straight answer
to a straight question.

All right, you want to know
who I'm in love with?

Well, I'll tell you.

I'm in love with you. Good night.

Now, will someone please tell me,
was our engagement a success?

It was a success
as far as I'm concerned.

A success?

What a girl.

(SHUDDERING) What a girl!

I'm frightened.

-I'm really frightened.
-What?

Oh, come, come, Alan. I never thought
I'd hear you talk like that.

Well, I can't help it. I shall fall.
Oh, God! I know it. I shall fall.

No, you must be firm.
You must be strong.

The united front must not be broken.

I want you to promise me something,
you two.

Never, never leave me alone
with that girl.

That sounds like rank cowardice.

Cowardice be damned!

You don't seem to realise
what an appalling danger I'm in.

If I'm left alone with her
for a single second,

I shudder to think what might happen.

I mean, she might even marry me.

Oh, no, not that.

It's true. God help me.

I think she might
easily try to marry me.

So, you see? You can't desert me now.

Don't let me out of your sight
for a second.

Even if I beg you on my knees
to leave me alone with her, don't do it.

-Will you promise?
-I promise.

-What about you, Kit?
-All right.

Thank you.

I've only got three weeks
before the exams.

That's a long time,
with Diana in the house.

You know, I think your only hope lies

in this Lord Heybrook fellow
who's coming tomorrow.

Diana may easily find
that a peer in hand

is worth more than one
in the vague future.

Well, I'll go to bed.
You have my best wishes.

Don't come down to breakfast tomorrow
until I come and fetch you.

Good night, Kit.

There's a real friend.

I hope you're going to show
the same self-sacrifice.

I don't know what you're making
all the fuss about.

-You ought to be very happy.
-Happy?

I've noticed how happy you've been
these past few weeks.

But I have, in a way.

Yes, well, it is not my way.

Damn it, Kit! I'm a man of principle,
of ideals. I'm a romantic!

Let me give you a little word picture

of the girl that I should like
to fall in love with.

Then you can see how far
it resembles Diana.

First of all, she will not be a trollop.

Oh, well, of course.

Secondly, she'll be able to converse

freely and intelligently with me
on all subjects.

Politics, religion, philosophy.

Thirdly, she'll have
all the masculine virtues

and none of the feminine vices.

Fourthly, she'll be physically
unattractive enough

to keep her faithful to me

and physically attractive enough
to make me desire her.

Fifthly, she'll be in love with me.

Well, that's all, I think.

You don't want much, do you?

(SIGHS) I admit, it isn't
a close description of Diana.

Where on earth do you
expect to find this love dream?

Well, they do exist, you know.

There's someone in this very house

who answers to all the qualifications
except the last.

Good Lord. You don't mean Jaq, do you?

And why not?

-But you couldn't be in love with Jaq.
-I'm not!

But she's exactly the sort of girl
that I should like to be in love with.

(SCOFFS) Love and Jaq
don't seem to connect.

I'm frightfully fond of her
but somehow, I mean...

I don't know, you couldn't kiss her
or make love to her.

Why don't you try it and see?

Who, me? Good Lord, no.

Well, don't you find her attractive?

Yes, I suppose she is, in a way.
Very attractive.

Don't you see, Alan? I know her
far too well to start any hanky-panky.

She'd just scream with laughter.

Really? Just scream with laughter?
Oh, you poor idiot.

Don't you realise the girl's been
madly in love with you

for two months now?

-Ha, ha.
-All right, say, " Ha, ha."

Don't believe it. Forget I ever said it.

I promised her I'd never tell you.

How much did you
have to drink up at the casino?

Less than you.

-Are you stone cold sober?
-As sober as 10 Lady Astors.

-And you tell me...
-Hmm.

Lord!

(MAINGOT SINGING IN FRENCH)

(SPEAKING DRUNKENLY IN FRENCH)

-Hello, Kit.
-(ALAN SPEAKS IN FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

-Bonne nuit.
-Bonsoir. Bonne nuit.

(SINGING DRUNKENLY)

Why did you all leave so early?

Oh, I don't know.

Your costume caused a sensation, Kit.

Everyone asked me
what it was meant to be.

Really?

Yes, well, I'll say good night. I've got
an essay to finish before tomorrow.

Good night, Kenneth. And thank you.

Good night.

-Jaq.
-Yes?

Did you have a good time tonight?

Well, yes, thank you, Kit.

Good. I'm sorry I couldn't take you.

Oh, that's all right.

That was Brian's girl you and Alan
were dancing with, wasn't it?

What's she like?

Pretty hellish.

-Jaq.
-Yes?

Nothing.

Was it raining when you came back?

No. No, it wasn't raining.

It was when we came back.

-Really?
-Yes, quite heavily.

Well, it must have cleared up, then.
(CHUCKLING)

Jaq, there's something I must...
Oh, damn. I'm sorry.

I've never seen a clumsier idiot
than you, Kit.

I seem to spend my whole life
cleaning up after you.

There.

You smell of whisky, Kit.

Oh.

I'm going to bed. Good night.

What's the matter with him? Is he drunk?

Er... No, Jaq.
But I have a confession to make.

-Oh, you haven't told him?
-Well, I couldn't help it.

Oh, Alan, no!

-Will you forgive me?
-I'll never forgive you.

He's just been talking to me
about the weather.

Well, he's a bit embarrassed.
That's natural.

But he'll spend his whole time
running away from me now.

And when he is with me,
he'll be wondering

if I want him to kiss me and he'll go on
talking about the weather and...

(CRYING) Oh, it's awful.

Oh, Jaq, I'm sorry. I meant well.

Men are such blundering fools.

Yes, I suppose we are.

Will you forgive me?

Of course I forgive you.

I'm going to bed.

All right, we'll talk about it
in the morning.

Maybe I can persuade Kit I was joking.

No. Don't say anything more to Kit.

You've done enough harm as it is.
Good night, Alan.

You're just a sentimental old monster,
aren't you?

-Who, me?
-Yes, you. Good night.

-Jaq.
-Yes?

Will you see if Brian's in his room?
I want to lock up.

Right.

-No, he must still be out.
-Oh. I'll leave him a note.

-Alan?
-Oh, my God.

Do you mind if I speak to you
for a moment?

I was just going to bed.

I suppose you didn't believe
what I told you just now.

No, I didn't believe it.

No, I knew you wouldn't .

And of course after what's happened,
I couldn't expect you to.

But whether you believe me or not,
I just want to say this.

In the morning, Diana.
In the morning. I'm frightfully tired.

Please, listen to me.

I just wanted to say that it's been you
from the first moment we met.

Kit and Bill never meant a thing to me.

I only let them think
I was in love with them

but it was only because I had some idea
it might make you jealous.

Pity you didn't succeed.

Oh, I know what you think of me,
and you're quite right.

I've told so many lies before

I can't expect you to believe me
when I'm telling the truth.

Poor little Matilda.

But this is the truth now, Alan.

This is the only
completely sincere feeling

I've ever had for anyone.
In all my life.

Oh, go away. Please, go away.

All right.

I know you've every right
to think I'm lying

but I'm not, Alan. Really, I'm not.

That's what's so funny.

Oh, God help me.

Good night, Alan.

I do love you.

Say that again, blast you.

I love you.

I suppose this is true.

You know damn well it is.

-Say it, darling.
-Say what?

-Say you love me.
-Must I?

-This is hell.
-(BANGING)

(LOUDLY) I love you.

(LAUGHING) Alan, darling.

Oh, hello, Alan.
Hello, Diana, old thing.

Good night, Alan.
I'll see you in the morning.

Hmm.

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

Did you see that, old boy?
She cut me dead.

She's furious with me.

I must tell you about it
because it's a damn funny story.

You see, after you boys went off,

I took Diana
for a bite of dinner with me.

Well, we had a bottle of wine
and got pretty gay

and all the time she was giving me
the old green light.

Green light?

Yes, the go-ahead signal.

Well, after a while,
I rather handed out an invitation

to the waltz, if you follow me.

Yes, I follow you.

I mean, everybody being out,

it seemed an opportunity
not to be missed.

Well, do you know
what she did then, old boy?

No.

She gave me a sharp buffet
on the kisser.

What did you do then?

I said, " Well, if that isn't what you
want, what the hell do you want?"

And then she got up and left me. Ha!
I never laughed so much in all my life.

You laughed?

(CHUCKLING) Well, wouldn't you, old boy?

Oh, well, I'm for bed.

I say, I met the most charming
little girl on the front just now.

Fantastic piece, she was.
She gave me her card.

Here it is.

"Colette, Chez Madame Pontet,
Rue Lafayette, 2 3.

"Bain, 50 francs."

I think I shall pop round tomorrow
and have a bain.

Oh, Brian, how right-minded you are.

Me?

Thank God you came in when you did.

You don't know what you've done for me
with your bright, shining example.

I now see my way clear before me.
A great light has dawned.

I say, old boy,
are you feeling all right?

Listen, Brian, you weren't
the only one to get the green light

-from Diana tonight. I got it, too.
-Yes, well, it doesn't surprise me.

I should think she's pretty stingy
with her reds and yellows.

Yes, but I didn't respond to it in
the same glorious way as you did.

However, what's done can be undone.

So I'm now going upstairs
to put the same question

to our Diana as you did
earlier this evening.

I should know, boy. She'll say no

and believe me,
she has a painful way of saying it.

If she say no, then lacking
your own sterling qualities,

I won't pay a visit
to the Rue Lafayette, 2 3. No.

I shall run away.
I'll go back to London tomorrow.

Well, what about your exam and so forth?

Oh, I shall chuck that.

Well, I'm about to throw
my future life into the balance.

Diplomat or writer, which shall it be?
Diana shall choose.

Crackers.

10, 20, 30, 40.

Damn.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh! Why so sad this morning, Kenneth?

Well, you heard the news about Alan.

Yes, my father told me.

Well, don't you think it's awful?

No, for one thing, I don't believe
for a moment he's serious.

Oh, he's serious, all right.
(SCOFFS) What a damn fool!

If I had half his chance
of getting in the Diplomatic

I wouldn't go
and chuck it up like that.

Morning, all. Where's Maingot Père?

He's waiting for you in the garden.

Tell me, how is he
this morning, old boy?

Gay? Happy? At peace with the world?

No, he's got a bad headache
and he's in a fiendish temper.

Couple of portos too many last night,
I fear.

Why this tender anxiety
for my father's health, Brian?

Well, Jaq, I'm afraid
I may have to deliver

a rather rude shock
to his nervous system.

You see, I'm supposed
to have done an essay

on the Waterloo campaign,

and what with one thing and another,
I don't seem to have got awfully far.

How far?

(READING FRENCH)

That's the essay, is it?

Ah, well, if I were you,
I wouldn't show it to him.

I'd tell him I did one of five pages

-and it got lost.
-Hmm.

Something tells me he won't altogether
credit that story.

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

A trifle hung over...
(CONTINUES IN FRENCH)

-Jaq!
-Hello, Alan.

Is, er, Diana about?

Yes, she's in the garden.
She wants to speak to you.

Oh, I bet she does but I'm taking
good care she doesn't get a chance.

I just want to get my books together.

Oh, you can't be serious
about this, Alan.

Never more serious in my life, Jaq.

You're breaking Diana's heart, you know.

Ha! Is that what she told you?

Oh, no! She wouldn't
give herself away to me.

But I honestly think
she's rather in love with you, Alan.

Yes, that's just what I'm afraid of.

Do you know,
you're the only man in the world

who's ever got away
from Diana unscathed?

Don't say that, Jaq. It's unlucky.
And I'm not out of the house yet.

(JAQ LAUGHING)

JAQ: Look out, Alan!

Oh, my God!

It's no good.

He's sure to have
locked the door of his room.

I'm afraid he's quite determined to go.

I feel dreadfully bad about it,

because I'm responsible
for the whole thing.

All this talk of writing
is just nonsense.

He's only running away from me.

I don't altogether blame him.

I suppose it's a wonderful compliment

for a man to throw up his career
just for my sake.

But I can't see it that way.
I'm really frightfully upset.

-You don't look it.
-Well, I am. Honestly, I am.

You see, I can't understand why
he should want to run away from me.

I can't see what he's got
to be frightened of.

Can't you?

If only I could get a chance
to talk to him alone,

I'm sure I could persuade him not to go.

Oh, I'm sure you would, too. So is Alan.

But I don't think you'll get the chance.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh, does Lord Heybrook
arrive this morning?

Mmm. That's a thought
to console you with, isn't it?

Bill, please go away.
I want to talk with Alan alone.

-Well, I...
-Bill, did you hear me?

I asked you to go.

No, I'm sorry, I can't .

Do you think it's necessary
to behave like this?

You can say anything you want
in front of Bill.

No, thank you. I'd rather not.

Then you don't say it.

Oh, very well, if you're determined
to be so childish.

This is all I want to say.

If you feel you must
run away from me, go ahead.

I shan't try and stop you.

I only hope you'll be happy without me.
I know I shan't be happy without you.

-You'll get over it.
-Oh, I expect so.

You'll write to me occasionally,
won't you?

Every day, if you like.

I'd like to know how you're getting on
in your new career.

And I wish you the very,
very best of luck.

-Thank you.
-I'll be thinking of you a lot.

Well, it's very nice of you to say so.

Well, that's really all I wanted to say.
Only I would rather like to say goodbye.

And that's a bit hard with Bill standing
there like the Rock of Gibraltar.

Bill, get out.

Get out, blast you, get out!

Is that the voice of reason,
my dear fellow?

Oh, thank you, Bill.

Right, give me a hand with these books.

Take them upstairs
and don't leave my side

until I'm on that damn train.

-Don't you want to say goodbye?
-Yes. Goodbye.

Here, you've forgotten one.

Marianne, a quelle heure arrive
Sir Lord Heybrook?

Lord Heybrook's arriving at 10:15.

-He'll be here any minute now.
-Oh, thank you very much.

Ah! Well.

-Any luck with Alan?
-No.

Oh, he wouldn't listen to reason?

Do you mind, Jacqueline?
I'm really too upset to talk about it.

Well, why don't you go to England
with him, if you feel like that?

How can I go chasing him
across half a continent?

One has a little pride, after all.

Yes. Yes, I suppose one has.

Besides, if Alan really feels
he'll be happier without me,

there's nothing I can do about it.

No. No, I suppose there isn't .

Ah, poor Lord Heybrook.

What's Lord Heybrook got to do with it?

Nothing.

Oh, it's a lovely morning
for a bathe, don't you think?

The wind is cold, the sea is rough.
But I shouldn't let that stop you.

Really, Jacqueline.

You're becoming quite nice
and catty in your old age.

As matter of fact, I think I will have
a bathe. Why don't you come with me?

Oh, no, my bathing dress
isn't nearly attractive enough.

Besides, I'm giving lessons all morning.

I'm supposed to be giving one now.
Kit's late, as usual.

Oh, by the way, how are you
getting on in that direction?

Not very well, I'm afraid.

Oh, I'm sorry. I suppose
Kit's terribly upset about me.

Oh, I shall do my best to console him.

I've been horribly unkind to him.

After Alan's gone, I shall have to be

specially nice to him to make up for it.

Oh, no.

Oh, why don't you go to England
with Alan?

Heaven knows Alan's never
done me any harm.

But I can feel
quite ruthless about anything

that will get you out of this house!

Excitable race, you French,
I always say.

-Sorry I'm late, Jaq.
-It's all right, Kit.

Oh, well, I don't want to disturb you.
I'm going for a bathe.

Sit down, Kit.

Have you done that work I set you?

Oh, good!
You must have worked quite hard.

-Jaq, I want to say...
-This is wrong.

You can't say that in French.
You have to turn it, you see?

Yes, I see.

Oh, my dear Kit.

"Une pipe remplis avec du tabac. "
What ought it to be?

"Remplis de tabac", of course.

Well, why didn't you write it, then?

Kit, this whole exercise is terrible.

What on earth were you thinking of
when you did it?

You.

Well, you'd better do it again, then.

-What, do the whole thing again?
-Yes.

Why were you thinking of me?

Shall I translate you some La Bruyère?

(SIGHING) All right.

Page 108.

If I let you off, will you tell me?

I might.

Very well, then. You're let off.

Only... Mind you, if you do
another exercise as bad as that,

I'll make you do it again.

And three more besides.

Well, I was wondering
whether I ought to tell you

I was sorry
for what happened last night.

Alan told me this morning
you were in a steaming fury

with me about it,
so I thought I'd better...

Oh. Oh, Alan's been talking to you
this morning, has he?

What's he been saying now?

I don't see why I shouldn't tell you.

You see, last night,
when Alan was bit drunk,

he played a stupid practical joke on me.
He told me...

Well, this is a bit embarrassing
but it's a good laugh, anyway.

He told me that you've been
madly in love with me for two months.

Well, I being also rather drunk,
believed him.

And so, as I was feeling
rather sentimental,

I kissed you, as you remember.

Of course, I couldn't understand why
you didn't fall into my arms and say,

"At last! At last!" or some such rot.

However, Alan told me this morning
that the whole thing

had been a bit of a joke and that you're
really rather angry with me for, uh...

for spoiling a beautiful friendship
and all that nonsense.

So, that's why I thought
I'd better apologise.

What a blasted fool Alan is!

Yes, it was a damn silly trick to play.
Not at all like him.

Well, Kit, supposing I had fallen
into your arms

and said, " At last! At last!"
or some such rot,

what would you have done?

I should have kissed you and said,

"I've loved you all the time
without knowing it."

Or some such idiocy.

Oh, Kit, you wouldn't .

I told you I was feeling
rather sentimental.

You don't feel sentimental
this morning, do you?

Oh, no, no. You don't have to worry
any more. You're quite safe.

Well, isn't there any chance that you
might feel sentimental again sometime?

No, no. You're quite all right now.

Well, supposing I gave you
a drink or two

and told you that what Alan said
last night was the truth

and that I have been in love
with you for two months

and I've been longing for you to kiss me
every time I'm with you!

Would that make you feel sentimental?

There's no knowing
what it might make me feel.

Well, I haven't any drink, Kit.

Or must you have a drink?

At last. At last!

I've loved you all the time
without knowing it!

-Or some such idiocy.
-I mean it, Jaq.

-Is, uh...
-Ahem!

-...Diana about?
-Oh!

Come in, Alan. You're quite safe.

And I've got some news for you.

What news?

Oh, well, I wouldn't like the Commander
to hear it. Do you mind awfully?

Not at all.
Tell me when you've finished.

Well, what's the news?

Kit says he's loved me all the time
without knowing it!

Well, well, well.
You could knock me down with a feather.

You've got a lot to explain.

What the hell do you mean
by telling me a whole packet of lies?

Is that the way to talk to someone
who by a series of torturous ruses

has at last brought
you two lovebirds together?

-Oh!
-(CHUCKLING) Well,

I give you my blessing.
Time presses and I came to say goodbye.

-I can come in now, can't I?
-(LAUGHING)

How did you know?

Male intuition. As distinct
from the female brand,

I listened at the keyhole.

You know, Jaq, the only reason
I'm sorry to be going

is having to leave Bill
just when I've discovered him.

Oh, don't worry, old boy,
we'll meet each other again.

We're brothers under the skin.

Did Diana say anything about
going to England with me?

Now, she's definitely staying here.
She says, " Your happiness comes first."

For my happiness, read Lord Heybrook.
Thank God for his Lordship.

Alan, must you go?

Yes, Babe, I'm afraid I must.

A load off my mind,
and I don't only mean Diana.

You know, I don't think
you know what you're doing.

-Oh, yes, I do.
-Jacqueline! Jacqueline!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Lord Heybrook?

Oh, somebody tell Diana
or she'll miss her entrance.

Oh, God.

-Diana! Lord Heybrook.
-JAQ: What does he look like, Kenneth?

I can't see. Your father's in the way.

Oh, sit down, all of you.
For God's sake.

Give the man a chance.

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Come and help me pack, someone.

I'm going to catch
that London train or die!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Stop laughing, you idiots!
It isn't funny.

It's a bloody tragedy.

(ALL TALKING, INDISTINCT)