Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying that Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,

but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids...

-[grunts] -...who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of 'em

-reminds me a little of me. -[all gasp]

They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run, run for it! -[Ian] Quick, Lip!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip any more.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love it.

Debbie, sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam, gonna be a star, once we've got the fits under control.

[screams]

Steve, Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there. Not.

Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But, all of them, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life,

is they know how to throw a party!

[laughs] Scatter!

[man] Fucking do him!

[dog barking]

[boy] Oi, give us me bike back!

[cyclist] Use it or lose it, fatso!

[Frank] Fuck's sake!

[Debbie groans] I don't know why everybody thinks

Christmas is such a big deal.

What is good about the world standing still,

when the only shops open don't actually sell anything worth having?

[Frank] Didn't think we had a white duvet.

[Debbie] If I hear anyone trying to tell me the point

of it all, I think I'll just punch their lights out.

[voices grunting]

[Lip] Watch it. [grunts]

[man in house] What have you gone and done now?

[woman] What do you mean what have I done?

[man in house] What's the good of me trying to tidy the house up

when you haven't paid...

[woman] I thought he'd fixed the meter...

[man in house] What are you talking about, you, now?

-[woman] Oh, really... -[Lip] Push! [chuckling]

[Debbie] Since our family only ever got bigger, never smaller, right,

Christmas seemed worse every year.

Well, as far as I could see, anyway.

And the more it cost, the more everybody smiled.

It never occurred to them that two days later,

they could have bought everything for half the price.

I mean, it's fine, right, if you can pretend

the earth has gone into hibernation

and the only good things happen once spring comes around.

Not fine if you know for a fact that every Christmas

is as boring as the last one 'cause nothing ever happens.

[indistinct chatter]

[Lip] You! Stop it...

What are you doing?

[Ian] Pushing and pulling...

What is clever about watching a tree dying in your living room?

-[Lip] What's up with her? -Decided she hates Christmas.

[Lip] Come on, hurry up. Let's get it in the house, you dick...

Lip. Got some shopping.

Oi!

[Sheila] So, you didn't see who mugged you?

No, just a bloke.

Big bloke.

[sighs]

Christmas and they take your wallet.

What was the Peterloo Massacre all about?

You haven't got a wallet, Frank.

No.

I'd... just bought one in the pub.

Little crocodile skin.

So I knew how much I had 'cause I'd just transferred 55 quid into it.

No, 'cause you went out with less than a tenner.

I said, "When you get my prescriptions,

can you pick us up a box of formula to practice with?

In case the baby rejects me and I can't breast feed."

[breathes heavily]

And you said, "I've only a tenner, so you'll have to sub us."

-Did I? -Yeah, so you probably sent him

on his way thinking it wasn't worth the effort.

-Have I? -Yeah.

So he won't be trying that one twice, will he?

-No, I dare say not. -Good!

'Cause I've got some news for you.

Me mum's gone doolally,

so our Karen's coming home for Christmas.

[giggles, breathes heavily]

[foot spa clicks, whirs]

[foot spa bubbling]

-[grunts] Right. -This is gonna fit Carl, innit?

No probs. And I tell you what, Debbie's gonna love this.

[gasps] She once borrowed one from school.

-Spent a week magnifying head lice. -Yeah?

[Fiona exclaims]

-Oi, oi, no. Oi, not that one! -What is it?

[chuckles] You'll find out when Mr Santa comes.

[laughing] When did you get it? You were never out of my sight.

-Oh, or so she thought. -What shop?

-I'm saying nothing. -Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

[Steve] Get that off.

[Fiona moans] Come here.

[Fiona laughs]

-No! Cut it out. Stop! -[Steve] Whoa!

Carl! Fuck are you doing down there?

I wanted to know what you'd got us.

Why can't you both just wait until Christmas Day?

-I didn't want clothes. -You haven't got clothes.

I heard you. "Will this fit our Carl?"

Yeah. Pair of earmuffs and a big fat nappy.

-Downstairs. -[Carl] Clothes aren't presents!

[truck lift hissing and whirring]

[man] This is his fault, stopping at his girlfriend's in Rawtenstall.

-[man 2] Will you shut up? -[man 1] Well, I did warn you...

Our Barry went to Rawtenstall in 1987.

Not been seen since.

Bloody Bermuda Triangle.

[man 2] This fuel pipe's completely shagged.

We'll have to send for parts.

[man 1] You send for parts!

[Lip whispering] You're a bad man, Kev.

[man 1] How long's that gonna take?

[both exclaim]

[Kev] What did I tell ya?

-[Lip] Quick, get that door. -[Kev] Come on!

[Lip, whispering] Here, grab these.

[Kev groans] Here, here.

[Lip] Okay, you ready?

[Kev] Yep.

[Kev] Jez. Jez.

Jez. Come here. Come over here.

[woman] How come you always smell of cheese and onion crisps?

Because I always end up sitting next to you. [grunts]

[woman groans]

["I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" by Wizzard playing]

What's in it for me?

Ten per cent of what we take and a couple of joints.

-Grass, skunk or resin? -No. Lamb, pork or beef.

Hands up, anybody who's not collected their meat for Christmas yet.

I know you've heard it all before, girls,

but maybe your Christmases have all come early.

-Bring it in, fellas! -[all cheer]

[Kev] Half market price. Come on, girls, get your meat.

Get your chops round these chops.

-Hey? -[Lip] Beef! Over here!

Leg of lamb and a shoulder of pork.

[Kev] Come on, girls. Hey, if you're planning to...

No, two. Make that two of lamb.

[indistinct chatter]

[Kev] Milk top? You takin' the piss?

Right, here you are. Whoa, whoa!

Got a piece of pork here. Who wants this piece...

It's mine.

[loud chatter]

Fuck's sake. Total shambles. Fucking animals.

[sighs]

See, I don't like what we've become, you know.

As a nation.

Massive pressure. Massive!

People with nothing spend money they can't afford.

People with shitloads spend money they don't notice.

And for what?

Little baby Jesus? Is it, fuck!

Sticking money in the pockets of overpaid shites like...

shops!

Keeping you way down the pecking order

in a mountain of debt.

Do you know what the perfect Christmas is for me, Frank?

Not having to listen to bone idle,

miserable old wankers like you.

That's why I bought this.

Make way for a chronic duodenum!

[laughs] Shift! Shift!

With any luck, you'll be dead this time next year.

Smelly old cow!

[laughing]

Oh, does that smell like an old lady's tush to you?

How the fuck should I know? [laughs]

[laughing] You knobhead!

[chatter and laughter]

Hey, listen, you sure you don't mind, mate?

[Kev] Joking, aren't you?

I'm in me element wrapping pressies.

Our Carl's obsessed, so I can't leave 'em at ours.

Oh, bless him! I tormented me mam, rooting for presents.

Until I looked under her bed and found a kitten.

-[Fiona] Aww. -[Veronica laughs]

-[Steve] Yeah, not wrapped? -[laughs] No.

-[all laugh] -[Veronica] Oi, Kev!

Show 'em your drinks thingy.

[Kev] Looks like an ordinary beer barrel.

-[Fiona] Okay. -[Kev] Wrong!

[laughs]

[Fiona] It's champion, is that!

[Veronica] That's what I said! "Champion"!

It's what you say to kiddies

when their drawing's absolutely fucking awful.

So, where did you get this, Kev?

-I made it. -[all laugh]

-I did. -[chuckles]

["I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" playing inside pub]

[Marty] Twat! Mum's a slag!

[all laughing]

[Fiona] Marty?

Oh, no, Marty! Not again.

[Kev] Oh, here we go!

If there's a party, there's a Marty.

-No, I'm on parole. Legit. -[Carol] Out me way.

Jesus, Mum. Look at the state of you.

-[Fiona] You okay, Carol? -You will not believe this.

-Tell 'em! -Never mind me!

He's just burnt my house down.

[Fiona] Oh, my God! You're joking me, Carol?

What about her?

-You're disgusting! -Consenting sex is normal.

Not at your age!

There's nothing wrong with my age.

You!

[Marty grunts]

-[Veronica] Pack it in! -[Carol] Bastard.

-[Marty shouting] -Oi!

[all shouting]

[Steve] Carol, Carol! Hey! Hey!

[Carol crying]

Why have they let you out if you're still pulling shit like this?

Significant breakthroughs with the cognitive therapists. [barks]

But you can still torch your own mam's house?

I lets meself in, yeah? Surprise, surprise!

Nobody in. Nips for a leak.

And she's having a jump in the shower with--

[spluttering]

[spits]

Thingy. The redhead. Eddie Singer's middle lad.

-Shaun? -Shaun!

-You were shagging Shaun Singer? -So?

He's only 20 odd.

Yeah, he's a very good-looking lad.

You said I were too old for him!

So I had the nous to offer a cash incentive.

-You paid? -For sex?

It wasn't put like that.

I offered an extra 50 quid to smarten me bathroom tiles.

The message sinks in.

I'm having one of my pleasanter days,

when Fiery Jack turns up screaming the odds.

Then, thick black smoke coming up the stairs.

That's Marty's best mate.

Oh, they're not twins!

-They're like twins. -Yeah, but they're not twins!

-Shaun Singer? -Never mind that!

What about my house?

All your presents were in there.

My entire Christmas.

My whole bloody life. Thank you!

[dog barking, yelping]

[Carol moans]

So we've nowhere else till the council sorts us out,

have we, Pepe?

[Carol sobs]

[Pepe barks]

[Marty screams]

[door bell rings]

[coughs]

[kid 1] Where's all the snow gone?

[kid 2] Me dad says it's cause your mam never paid her council tax.

[kid 1] Oh.

We shift more meat than this in a normal week,

never mind Christmas.

-What if we've over-priced it? -We always over-price it.

-True. -What's up?

Can you redo the labels on these, Ian?

-Knock 50p off everything. -We won't shift it.

Well, there's tons of knock-off flying about.

Turkeys, beef, everything.

Sheila brought us a couple of legs of lamb round.

She only paid about a fiver for 'em.

-How fair's that, eh? -From who?

Dunno. But everyone's got,

so I don't think 50p's gonna help.

[sighs] That's all we need!

-Right, Price 'em up at cost. -Cost plus 50p.

-Cost. -Plus 25.

Yvonne, if we don't shift this by its sell-by,

it's gonna smell like a bloody graveyard in here.

[Yvonne] Cost plus 25. I'll do a sign.

[door bell rings]

[Kev] You torched a house, Marty. The police will be after you.

So...

where did you go from the nick?

Bed and breakfast someone told me about.

-Sheila Jackson's. -Sheila and Frank's.

And you never set foot outside the house again that day.

All right?

-Marty? -Yes.

[Marty twitches, grunts]

Bucket of spunk!

If anyone asks, Sheila, he stayed in his room.

What, our Karen's room?

Yeah, but call it your spare room.

-Veronica! Cops! Round yours! -Jesus!

Right, you'll have to get back to yours. So, if anyone asks,

you can say Marty lodged with you. All right?

-You okay with that, Sheila? -Yeah, I think.

[Debbie] They'll catch him. They always do.

[screams] No, hang on a minute.

What would he have done for supper if he came round at three?

[Carol] Wasn't hungry.

He's a growing lad. I wouldn't have not fed him.

-Fine, just say you fed him! -No, I don't want it to look bad on me.

Not if I'm charging rent.

-Whatever you like, Sheila! -I'll say I gave him ham.

That's very tasty for the price, in't it?

[laughs nervously]

It is. Oh, thanks. Thanks, Sheila.

[dog barking]

[police officer] Double up and go round the back.

All right? And seal off both ends of the streets.

Jesus, Mam, they're everywhere!

-God in heaven, get a grip! -Ring Steve.

Find out where Marty is!

Get after Sheila, make sure none of this is freaking her out,

'cause she don't look well to me.

If she's the alibi, we'll all be on prison food!

She's bailing you out, so just give it a rest, eh, Carol?

[Veronica] Hey! Don't talk to my mam like that!

You can fuck off an' all. This isn't our problem.

No? And how many of your problems

-have I helped out with? -Veronica, I can defend myself.

Yeah! What you can't seem to do is control yourself.

And you wonder where Marty gets it from!

Excuse me! I've never burnt anything in my life!

Well, you can't fucking cook, that's for sure!

-Sorry, kid. -Me an' all.

All right, we'll take him round to my place until we figure out what's going on.

You don't talk to any of my tenants,

you don't touch anything and you do not offer

anyone a light, all right? Come on.

[police siren wailing]

[Marty] They all for me?

Well, if they want a name, I won't need asking twice.

-I'm here! -What's your fucking problem?

I don't like the way you've always got answers for everything.

Why should that bother anyone? And anyway, I meant him.

My version or the cognitive therapist's?

Or assuming that any suggestion Kev makes is a fucking waste of time.

And that's not about having two sides of a brain that communicate?

So it's my fault I'm dyslexic?

[laughs] Dyslexic my arse, mate.

You're illiterate. It's all right. Admit it.

Get help. Come on, let's go.

You're asking for a twatting now, Steve.

-Oi! -Oi!

[police sirens wail]

[Liam grunts]

[indistinct police radio chatter]

[police officer] This stinks!

[police officer 2] Found one!

[Fiona] They're not after Marty. It's the meat.

They're after the meat.

Oh, shit!

[officer 2] What am I supposed to do with this?

-[officer 1] Tony, wrong way! -[officer 2] Hurry up!

Oi!

-[Fiona] And that. -I've licked that bit!

Tough.

[distant police siren wailing]

-What we gonna do with it? -You're not bringin' it in here!

Don't bin it. Why you binnin' it?

It's knock-off. The meat's knock-off!

Yeah, but nobody pays full price for meat at this time of year.

Yeah, and judging from that turnout,

it must've come from an armed robbery. Or worse.

[Veronica] Shit. What shall we do with it?

[Fiona] Well, we can't chuck it in the bins, can we?

[tyres screech]

-Fuck! -[helicopter blades whirring]

Here, boy! Here, boy! Come here, then.

What's this, then? What's this tasty bit of meat, then?

Just a couple of chops to go. How you doing, V?

-[Veronica] Not bad! Come on! -[Fiona] Come on!

[murmuring]

That's it, that's it. That's a boy.

-Take it! Take it to your mam. -[Fiona] Go on.

[car doors open]

Steve! Where've you been?

What--

What's he doing here?

-There's cops everywhere! -Never mind the cops. Look.

[vehicle approaching]

-[Fiona] Bloody hell! -[Kev] Jesus wept and died.

[exhales sharply]

[Kev] Bloody hell, it's like Kelly's Heroes, innit?

[commander through loudspeaker] Stay in your homes

with your doors locked...

and your windows closed until further notice.

Everything is under control.

Please do as you're told and no harm will come to you.

This is not a drill. Repeat. This is not a drill.

Stay in your homes with your doors locked

and your windows closed...

Could make the nationals with this.

[officer] ...I need that street cordoned off.

Jump to it!

[commander] Everything is under control.

Please do as you're told and no harm will come to you.

Can't be another bloody gas leak.

[Yvonne] No, I think they're filming.

Oi, is this for Corrie?

No, Corrie only film round here if it's a rape or a siege.

[soldier] ...round the back, here.

[newsreader] News coming in here of an extraordinary story

breaking in Manchester.

Chatsworth Estate has been sealed off

by the Ministry of Defence.

We have a statement here from a spokesman for the MOD.

"Everything possible is being done to ensure the safety..."

What's going on here, mate?

[Justin] Big news today on the Chatsworth Estate in Manchester.

It's been sealed off by the Ministry of Defence. Really. This is not a joke.

It's not April the first. Check your calendars.

I've got some callers on the phone, apparently.

I've got Eileen on line one. Hello, Eileen.

-[Eileen] Hiya, Justin. -[Justin] Hiya.

You've been down to Chatsworth. You've been trying to get in, haven't you?

[Eileen] Well, yeah. I said to the soldier

on the gate, "Excuse me, me dad's lived on that estate

for 45 years, and I've never missed a Christmas meal with him."

[Justin] And were they helpful, the soldiers?

[Eileen] No, he said "fuck off". Can I say, "fuck off"?

[Justin] No, you can't, Eileen.

All right, boys? Stan Waterman, Community Liaison.

Nobody in or out. My orders.

-Chatsworth Estate's my patch. -Hey, who's arguing?

But like Afghanistan, Iraq, Northern Ireland

and Timbuk-fucking-too, you can have your patch back

once we've milked it dry.

All right?

Me mam's in there.

[Tony] Leave it, Stan. Come on. Get back in the car.

[indistinct chatter]

That's it. Go on.

Keep going. Go on.

That's it. Piss off your street.

[chuckling] What a mug.

[siren wails]

[soldier] Get out the way! Out the way!

[tyres screech]

[guns click]

[Tony] We're responsible for social order round here,

so I want to know why I wasn't informed of your silly-bugger manoeuvres.

[commander] Your Chief Constable forgot you existed,

so you weren't cleared for security.

-Oh, can we go? -Not until I know what's going on.

Okay.

Sign this.

Last night, thieves stole two hundredweight of freight.

[Tony] Yeah, all this for a bit of bloody knock-off?

Oh, no, that happens every week.

We tried nipping it in the bud, but they keep the prices very low.

Especially electricals.

-The freight was all meat. -Yeah, it's Christmas.

Easter, it'll be chocolate.

August, it'll be sunbeds and sarongs.

The meat was on its way to an army base in Scotland.

To a Defence Laboratory.

One that specialises in biological warfare.

Which kind of meat we talking about exactly?

All manners of meat. Hinds and rinds, legs and segs,

heads and innards. With "not for human consumption" labels

like this.

That's why we've quarantined this area.

[groans] Fuck's sake!

[mobile phone keypad beeping]

Mum! Don't cook that lamb. Do not cook that lamb because...

Hello?

Well, where's me mum?

[soldier] Casualties arriving with Unit 615: one male aged 25,

a female of 64, married, apparently.

Large number of suspected cases in the same house.

Big family. Massive, actually.

Fourteen kids in cans inside.

All crossed-eyed.

Unless that's one of the symptoms.

Let me check on that.

[Yvonne] Touch it, and you're dead!

This meat is the property

-of the Ministry of-- -The meat is mine!

-Yvonne! -No!

-Let 'em have it! -[groans]

The meat. Let 'em have the meat!

Fuck off! We've lost enough on this as it is.

I am sick of having to compete with knock-off round here.

[soldier] Come on, love, you're being daft.

Hey, bud, I've looked down bigger than that!

Don't corner her, you'll only make her worse.

C'mon, Von!

You mean more to me than a bloody shop.

[soldier] Come on.

Silly girl.

Get out!

Go ahead. It's getting cleared.

[indistinct chatter]

-Yes, Lillian? -Packet of fags, Yvonne.

Couple of scratch cards. But only your lucky ones.

And you wouldn't have any broken biscuits?

Fetch them back, you can have 20 pence off.

Did you mean what you said, Kash?

Not physically, obviously, 'cause...

[door bell chimes]

[Kash] ...but yeah. You mean the world to me.

Course you do.

I've just come to say that I feel a bit rough.

-[Kash] Yeah, you look it. -Thanks!

So I'm gonna give this afternoon a miss

-if that's all right, Yvonne? -Yeah, course it is, love.

See ya.

[door bell chimes]

They're a bit more hammered than what I wanted.

On me, Lillian. Season's greetings.

[door bell rings]

-Did you buy any meat? -What if we did?

Says nothing if we didn't know where it came from.

[Tony] Have you actually eaten any?

[Veronica] I gave most of mine to the dogs.

[Tony] They've just carted a load of dogs away.

A couple of them were half crippled to start with, poor sods.

All dead. The lot of 'em.

[Steve] From what?

Listen, I am in deep shit if they know I'm repeating this.

They made me sign Official Secrets, but...

the meat was on its way from Porton Down.

[Veronica] Porton Down?

I thought that were a made-up place?

You know, with t' rabbits?

Oh, no, that's Watership Down.

[Tony] No, Porton Down. It's a defence installation.

The meat was part of a war games exercise.

It's contaminated with something from Team A.

Then sent for analysis to Team B,

who are given 24 hours

to work out what's in it. Except they can't...

'cause it never arrived.

Contaminated with something like what?

That's the whole point. Nobody knows

until they get Team A back from Christmas leave.

How long's that gonna take?

[exhales]

[Tony] I need to know if any of you have eaten it.

[laughs]

-Eh! You have. -I'd no appetite.

No, you said you couldn't stomach it,

-but you wolfed the lot down. -I never!

Carol, I watched you.

You were still licking the fucking plate while you were doing the washing up!

[Tony] Right. Well, so far, we've had two human fatalities

and 12 people who've gone down poorly.

Now, nobody's sure what symptoms to look out for

apart from nosebleeds and stomach pains.

Colicky stomach pains.

They've set up a field hospital at the junior school.

Everybody inside the quarantined area is going to have to give a blood sample.

Right, you all need testing. Now!

Question. [snorts]

Is anyone out there mentioning my name?

-[Tony] What's your name? -Marty Fisher.

-No. -[tuts, snorts]

Ian!

He's still at work. You'll have to tell him.

He's put himself to bed. Said he was feeling a bit rough.

[Fiona] Wait!

[Jez] Do you know what's going on, Kev?

Fuckin' right I do! They're after the meat.

Where's the meat?

No one can eat it. It's not for human consumption.

[fridge door slams]

Where's all the meat, Jez?

They've cleaned me out.

[Kev] Good man, that's it. Get it up, Felix.

Save some room for your pudding.

All right, thank you, yeah. You've had enough, yeah.

Got darts coming up now, so we gotta clear this place. Yeah, good.

[man] Hey up, that's my bloody dinner.

-[Kev] How's your Kevin-- -[man 2] What you playin' at?

-[Kev] Okay. You on a diet? -[woman] What's your game?

That's our dinner, that is. We paid for that.

[Kev] That's it, good.

[man] Take your shot, then. Hey up, what's going on?

I need to see your kitchens, ma'am.

Not without a warrant, you don't.

Tip for you, mate. Only speak if you don't need your face.

All right, Felix?

All right, me old mate?

Come on, look at him.

He has to be in a hospital, a proper hospital.

That's not possible. We can't break the quarantine.

-But he's burning up. -[medic] I'll get his temperature down.

We'll keep him supervised on a regular basis.

Yeah, right, with saline?

What bloody good's that gonna to do?

It's the only thing we dare use until we can identify the contamination.

Well, you lot put it there. You should fucking know what's in it.

-[medic] Where've you heard that? -It's all right. It's all right.

It's just a rumour someone started.

All right, Ian, gonna need your other arm.

I need to take a blood sample.

Only a small sting.

I'll be as gentle as I can.

[soldier] Listen, just form an orderly queue. All right? Keep in line.

Jesus, Peebles!

It's like a worn-out gene pool.

None of the women comb their hair at the back.

Is that a religious thing?

[corporal] Not sure, sir.

I'll make it my business to find out, sir.

"Oh, little men dressed in brief authority."

Eh? 19th century, Shakespeare. Plus other stuff.

So don't think you're hard.

"Never poke your cousin if you can't find a cardigan with three sleeves."

Socrates. 400 B.C.

[Frank] You didn't know that.

Or you.

Somebody must have poked a bloody goat

-to come up with that one! -Sir.

Vernon Francis Gallagher.

"Vernons" as in pools, though I've never won a fucking bean.

I used to be a blood donor till they stopped me 'cause I got slightly addicted.

Out with the old, in with the new. [laughs]

It's quite seductive in a way. Don't you think?

So, are you taking any regular medication at all, Sheila?

Well, as a matter of fact, I am.

[Frank] Hey! No way! BCG in third year.

I'm still having nightmares.

Passed out, woke up colour-blind.

Can't tell the difference between Dexedrine and Nurofen,

which, you know, round here, bastards take advantage of.

[medic] You just stay still--

[Frank] You are not coming near me with that.

[screams]

Fat cow.

On the plus side, I've got 20/20 vision, you know,

so with all... [trails off, babbling]

[medic] ...gently down.

[Steve] If you know it's not airborne,

where's the problem in letting us off the estate?

[medic 2] Until we know the level of contagion,

Christmas isn't a good time to send people off

kissing their relatives. -[Steve] Fair point.

What's Ian's blood test saying?

Well, nothing helpful yet, but please just believe me,

none of us want to be here either.

The only mortalities so far have occurred in people

with a history of diabetes or chronically high blood pressure.

Now, Ian's 15, no medical complications,

that's all I can say for sure. Okay?

-I won't say you said. -[Carol screams]

Mam? Mam!

-[Marty] What's up with her? -[Veronica] It's not fucking flu, is it?

[Carol sobs] Pepe!

[Pepe whining]

If you let this happen, we're finished.

[Carol sobs]

Swear to me you won't cut him open! [wails]

[sobs] Pepe. Pepe.

[indistinct chatter]

-You! You fuckin'-- -Hey, hey, no.

-Hang on a minute, Stan. -He caused all this!

Him! That's where we got the meat from.

-[Veronica] Kev! -[Stan] A fiver

-for a shoulder of lamb. -[man wretches]

And worth it, was it, Kev, eh? Nice little wedge?

Help us out, Lip.

Little shit!

[all clamouring]

-[man] He can't get out! -[Stan] Come here!

[indistinct arguing]

-[commander] Bring him in. -Sir.

Merry fucking Christmas!

-[dog toy squeaks] -[cries]

[Marty] Sorry, Mam.

Yes, I know.

'Cause you caused this!

[Marty barks]

I've been sent down three times. When did you cry for me?

Apart from worms and diarrhoea, when did Pepe ever let me down?

They've a brain about this big.

What difference does that make

when the brain you've got's wired like an old Allegro?

[twitches, grunts]

[commander] I'm not interested in how little you made on it.

We need to know as a matter of urgency

whether any of it was sold outside the community.

Well, not sold, but...

I took a rack of lamb round to me Aunty Pat's in Denton.

Address?

Is she likely to have shared it with anyone else?

Pat? No way.

Only thing she's given anyone in 50 years is herpes.

♪ What's love got to do Got to do with it ♪

♪ Who needs a heart When a heart can be broken ♪

-[purrs] -[men jeering]

Sorry, sorry. I must apologize.

Never mind.

Ah, keep going.

[crowd exclaims]

[camera clicks]

-[Veronica] Come here! -[Kev] What?

You're a fucking liar, 'cause everyone round here knows

-it was you! -Fine, okay. Me. Me and Lip.

But not because we knew what it was.

-So? -So, we just thought it was fucking meat.

Where's the money?

-You're wearing most of it. -What?

How much do you think lace crotchless panties cost, V?

[Veronica] Right, Kev, that's the last beef curtain

you'll be seeing in a long time. Where's the rest of it?

[coins jingling]

[Veronica] This money's got blood on it.

You're in deep shit

and everybody wants you dead, Kev.

This is all your fault. Twisted shit.

Yeah, I know. Everything is. Pepe. [barks]

Arndale Centre, crucifixion, miners' strike.

Fine. Bring it on!

[blows]

Can I get you anything?

I could skin up if it'll help.

No.

Ian, I'm really sorry. This is my fault.

The meat, it was me. Me and Kev.

We ripped a lorry off on the bypass.

-[sighs] -Well, it...

it was just for a laugh.

I promise you, we're gonna get you to a proper hospital.

I don't care what I have to do, honestly, Ian.

I'd do anything for you not to be laid here like this.

I'm sorry.

[helicopter blades whirring]

[man over radio] Breaker in Sector Nine.

Coming over the roof.

[corporal] Whoa. Keep walking. Just keep walking.

No, not towards me, darling. The other way.

How old are you, Debbie?

[Debbie] Eleven. Well, 11 if you ask me dad,

12 if you ask my mum.

-Where were you going? -Shopping.

[commander] At 01:25?

Trafford Centre's open all night for Christmas,

and they're laying free buses on.

I've six presents still to buy, and it's Christmas tomorrow, so...

[commander] You knew perfectly well that you were leaving a restricted zone.

You've lied to my officers, and you're lying to me.

Okay, I've five presents to buy.

I gave Carl something I got last year.

But it's still got the price on, so it looks spanking new.

'Cause he loves driving, but everyone round here

keeps their batteries dead to stop twockers going ape.

A pair of jump leads.

Please, can somebody help me out here?

Yes, sir, I'm from round these parts.

[Debbie] Oh, are you playing maisonette?

-No, pontoon. -Oh, we call it maisonette.

'Cause when you turn 21, that's what you get off the council.

[all laugh]

There's three cameras covering the causeway,

two monitoring Denver Road, and about 3,000 soldiers

-on Plymouth Street. -All right. Come on, Debbie.

About 100. But at least 100.

And they didn't shove you around?

No. I got a tuna salad and I won a fiver on maisonette!

[Fiona] Debbie, did you get anything or not?

Yes!

[Debbie] They don't have normal number plates, just the number on the tag.

[Steve] Right, let's get Ian out of here as fast as possible.

If we spread out, we'll find the vehicle faster.

Lip, you'll have to take Kev with you.

Tell him to keep his face covered or he's dead.

Marty, you go with them.

I'm sure you can start a distraction if we need one.

Fiona, you best tell Ian what's happening so he doesn't freak out. All right?

[Sheila laughs] Oh, dear!

-[Fiona] Sheila? -[panting] Oh, it's okay.

-[laughing] He just kicked. -"He"?

-He? So you know it's a boy? -Oh, God!

That was supposed to be a big secret.

Nice, deep breaths. Mam, brandy!

[Sheila] Don't tell your dad.

It's supposed to be a big surprise.

[Debbie] Have you got a name for him yet?

Yeah.

If we ever get that far. [sobs]

[Fiona] Oh, don't talk like that, Sheila, sweetheart.

[Sheila] What if I've passed something on to him?

Through the meat?

[grunts, screams]

Bucket biff!

According to Conrad, the meat's come from Al-Qaeda.

And if they scan the barcode, it comes up in Arabic.

I mean, I'm not being a racist...

but they're a fucking nightmare that lot.

-[Frank] One more! -No!

-One more, Jez, please! -No! Four units each,

and that's your lot. Otherwise, we'll be dry by tomorrow

if I can't get another delivery through.

Hello! If you name your price, you could shift the lot tonight.

Hello! If I ration it,

I could name twice me price tomorrow.

[men clamouring]

-Robbin' bitch! -On your way!

[woman] All right, I said, I'm coming!

Bottle. Little bottle to be going on with.

[Jez] There you go!

[men clamouring]

-[cash register dings] -[door bell rings]

[Fiona] Kash, I need to speak to your mum.

Hey, where's your Ian? We need a hand round here.

They've had to ration the booze at the pub

'cause they can't get a delivery through.

I've stuck a quid on the price of everything. And look!

I can say it out loud and not one peep.

Oi! Form an orderly queue or you're getting fuck all!

-[woman] Ta, Yvonne. -Merry Christmas, love

Where's your mum, Kash?

Upstairs, helping the kids count the money to keep them calm.

-Why? -Sheila's gone into labour.

Plus, Ian's in a right state.

Can somebody change the wallpaper?

It's doing my head in!

-You're really hurting my hand, Sheila. -[screams]

-Sheila, this is Umi. -It's okay, Sheila. Keep calm.

[Sheila grunting]

-She's a midwife. -She's not just saying that?

[laughs] Why would I say it if it wasn't true?

I don't know!

No, don't push. Just breathe round it.

I had a dentist once who turned out to be a brickie,

-so I'm a bit phobic! -Stop pushing!

[corporal] Look, just keep back like I said.

[woman] Listen, if I don't get this giro cashed,

I'm gonna have nothing to feed my kids.

This is from a week back. Why didn't you cash it then?

Because it's not in my name, I've had to work

on the signature, smart arse! What? Cheers!

What? Starving children and you're not gonna let me through?

Yeah, cheers. You too as well, mate.

And that's it for you, man.

[Kev] It'll be all right. Stay cool.

[indistinct chatter]

[people clamouring]

It's there!

-Fuck's sake, that's hopeless. -I know.

[Lip] I can't believe it's on the wrong side

-of the fucking fence! -[Marty] It's great, this.

[clamouring continues]

[Karen] Lip?

What's going on?

Your mum's gone into labour.

-Right. Let me through! -[corporal] Nobody in or out.

I want me mum!

It's for your own safety, love. Stay where you are, eh?

[Lip] Karen!

[soldier] It's no point giving it all that...

[Hippy Pete] I didn't say Swindon, I said Swinton.

[corporal] And I said, you're going nowhere.

No one leaves till their blood tests are cleared.

-We're all vegetarians. -We're not, are we?

No, son, and neither's the other 100 over there.

Cheers, Clinton. What you like, you?

Me real dad.

[indistinct chatter over radio]

[Karen] Has it got warmer, or is it just me?

I think it's dropping, to be honest.

[Karen] I think it's all the tension.

[soldier moans]

-[crash] -[Marty yelps]

[soldier] I'll tell you what, Colchester's all right.

I mean, anywhere's lonely at Christmas doing this job, you know what I mean?

I'll tell you something, it's better than Basra.

Can't tell you how glad I was to get out of there. It's a right dump.

I mean, it's a right dump now, innit?

M-- Mind you, it's not as bad as round here.

[groans] Oh, that's it.

[over radio] Corporal Colap...

[soldier] Sorry, babes. Shit! Gotta go.

I'll speak to you later on, all right?

All right.

[inaudible]

[brakes squeak]

[Lip] Come on then, let's get him.

We can be at St George's in ten minutes.

I'll keep it running in case we have to shift it.

All right.

Stan! Found him!

[crowd clamouring]

[indistinct angry shouting]

-You all right, sweetheart? -No, I feel sick.

[Veronica] Yeah, we all do.

I've got an old wheelchair next door.

[Steve] No, it's all right, just get under his arm.

[indistinct angry shouting]

[Carl] Shit! It's Kev!

Steve, Sheila needs you.

Listen, put him back to bed and then go find a medic, all right?

Fuck off!

That was my mother, you twat. I'm gonna have your neck off!

It wasn't me! You're joking. Fuck's sake, Stan!

[crowd clamouring]

Calm down!

What good's this doing anyone?

You watch, all right? Get off!

[Tony] Calm right down!

Oi! Back off, or one of you's getting this!

-Veronica, get off it. -Look what he's done!

People dropping like fucking flies.

Yeah, so why aren't you blaming the army?

[Lillian] We didn't buy it off the army!

[Lip] And we didn't bloody load it with anthrax, or whatever it is.

Anthrax?

-Are you serious? -[Lip] I don't know.

But it's their fault because the army put it there.

Ask him.

Me? Why me?

For fuck's sake, Tony! None of this is down to us.

-Ask him! -Will you listen? Right.

Just listen. The lad's right. Nearly right.

All this shit's got a lot more to do with the army

than anything to do with this lot.

[Hippy Pete] Deliberately?

Look, the army's the only place you're gonna get a vaccine.

Tell 'em, Tony.

[Hippy Pete] They said there wasn't one.

That's what they told us, but I reckon they're bullshitting.

Fuck would you know, Gallagher?

What if they're just waiting to see what happens, eh?

-So there is a vaccine? -He's telling you what we think.

And we know more than most.

Oh, fuck.

[Hippy Pete] Come on! Come on!

-This is our estate, not yours! -[men cheering]

Givin' us anthrax. We'll give you anthrax!

Come on. This is the Chatsworth Estate,

and we're taking it back!

We've had enough of the army and the police coming down here.

It's a redemption song!

Jah Rastafari!

[breathing heavily]

-Give me a consonant. -C.

-Give me a vowel. -U.

-Give me another consonant. -N.

[Lip] How are we gonna get Ian out now we've lost the truck?

[Fiona] Dunno, Lip. Is nobody up there with him?

I'll go up.

Give me another consonant, Carol!

-[groans] -[sobs] T.

-[Veronica] Are you all right? -[Ian groans]

[Veronica] Look, kid, if you throw up, I can't help you.

[screams] I want Frank!

[indistinct clamouring]

[Frank] Life under President Blair!

[commander] Could you please all return to your homes?

-Get out of it. -[crowd clamouring]

[commander] The situation is under control.

[Hippy Pete] We'll take you to the White House!

[Frank] Not in my name!

-[Hippy Pete] We don't want-- -[commander] Quiet!

[Hippy Pete] We're not having it on this estate anymore.

-[commander] Can you please... -Let us go. We've heard it,

straight from the fucking horse's mouth.

You know a lot more than you're telling us,

and we've had enough!

[crowd shouting indistinctly]

You know why they call 'em "fatigues"?

'Cause we're sick of the fuckin' sight of ya!

[cheering]

-Stopping vital deliveries! -[all cheer]

While the rest of us are just...

You know, thingy-ing...

Baby Jesus.

Well, I've been on the blower to Brussels...

and you are all sacked!

[crowd clamouring]

Who threw that? Oi! You!

[commander] Could you please just shut the fuck up?

While you've been making your lives

a lot more difficult...

for yourselves and the rest of us,

people have been working round the clock

to find the solution.

The contamination has been identified.

Vaccines are already being administered

to high-priority cases as I speak.

They'll be with you as soon as possible,

but until they arrive, will you please continue

to just shut the fuck up?

I don't like his tone.

[Frank mutters] Guantanamo Bay.

[Ian] No, I don't care. Leave me alone.

-Leave me alone. -[medic] Ian, I have to do this.

It takes less than a minute if you just keep still.

[Fiona] Come on, Ian, no one's messing about now.

-He knows what he's doing. -I don't care. Fuck off.

-Pin him down. -[Ian] No!

-[Debbie] Kev. -[medic] Look,

it's pretty heavy.

It'll hurt when it goes in a little bit.

-[Lip] Shit! -[medic] Bit of a dead leg.

But I promise you it's effective.

[all groan]

[Ian screams]

You fucking bastard!

[screams]

[groans]

[medic] Now, if you keep his leg moving, it'll circulate it.

-He'll be fine. -Honestly?

[medic] Just keep his leg moving.

[Kev] Ian, mate.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

[Ian] Oh, you can, Kev.

Try.

-[Sheila grunts] -[Carl] Got any more pans?

Shit.

[Sheila panting quickly]

-[Fiona] Shit. What now? -We got any fuse wire?

[Sheila] Give us another consonant.

[Fiona] L.

[Debbie] I don't know what you're boiling water for, Carl.

[screams] Mother of God!

No, Sheila, you only do that when you're actually

-getting a contraction. -[laughing] Oh, yeah, sorry.

I'm all over the place, aren't I?

[panting]

-Give us a couple of vowels -A. I.

-You're getting one now. -Boy or girl?

[Steve] I thought you said it was a boy!

Oh, yeah!

And I meant a contraction. Five, four, three, two, one.

-[grunts] -[all] Come on, Sheila!

[screams] Lunatic!

[laughs]

I've never had seven letters before!

[all laughing]

[Marty grunts]

[Sheila panting, screaming]

[doorbell ringing]

[Umi] That's it, Sheila. It wasn't for nothing.

-It's a boy. You have a son! -[Fiona] He's beautiful.

-[baby crying] -[Sheila laughing]

Oh, jeez, is that what they come out looking like?

Mine were both a bit smoother than that.

No offence, Sheila. Congratulations.

[baby cries]

[Carol] Where's Frank, anyway?

Slag! [coughs]

[baby cries]

[choral music playing]

[baby crying]

Bombs on planes and contaminated meat at, uh...

You know, thingy. Little baby Jesus.

It's fucking ridiculous.

Who suffers?

The likes of us, that's who.

I mean, what have we done wrong apart from fixing the odd meter,

ringing the odd car. I said to Conrad,

call 'em all you want, if they all went on strike,

we'd be legless. You know, shops, hospitals,

the entire fucking transport system.

If every immigrant on this sceptred isle

downed tools for one day-- one day...

we'd come to a total fucking standstill.

Then they'd really have us by the balls.

[laughs] Know what I mean?

Hey, but don't let that go giving you any ideas, Gandhi.

Otherwise, you know, we'll have, uh--

What's his name?

[mumbles] You know, Kilroy, on your doorstep,

pestering you for the vote. Yack, yack, fucking yack.

Nightmare.

-Shouldn't you be lying down? -[Ian] No.

I don't wanna be in this room anymore.

Medic said I should stretch my legs, anyway.

So, how come you never phoned me to tell me how ill you were?

Too hot, too tired. I couldn't be fucked.

Look, if I'm in the way between you and Yvonne, just say so.

Yvonne has been good to us. You know, we should be grateful.

Me for the kids and you for the wages...

and the pair of us because she never put out

-a gay-bashing fatwa. -[chuckles]

She could have ended all this and she ain't.

She's far from perfect...

but neither are we.

[indistinct chatter from downstairs]

[Ian] So what did you get me for Christmas?

[Kash] Uh, slippers with built in headlamps.

-[Ian laughs] Fuck off! -[Kash] Yeah,

-and what did you get me? -[Ian] Penis enlarger.

[Kash] Dickhead!

-[Carl] Same goes for you! -Me?

-Yeah, you! -[Veronica] Oh, yeah?

-I don't like your bathroom. -Well stay out of it then,

-smelly arse! -Oh, leave him alone, he's tanked.

-Who let him get like that? -[Lip] She did.

[Veronica] We're just celebrating the fact that you're not dead, Ian.

[Lip] Come on, Carl, drink this.

-And you, you robbin' bastard! -Carl, cut it out.

-How much is a Twix meant to be? -[Kash] 49p.

So how much is a quarter of midget gems meant to be?

-Twenty-eight pence. -Yeah!

So how much is it meant to come to then, you robbing bastard?

-[Ian] Carl, I'm warning you! -Seventy-seven pence.

-No it's not, it's 77! -Yeah. I said 77 pence.

Did you?

Okay. Sorry. Sorry, Kash. I love your shop.

And your daughter is a stunner.

[bell tolls]

[vicar] Will you, Carl Francis Gallagher,

take Meena Karib to be your lawful wedded wife?

Will you love her, cherish her...

[Sheila, breathing heavily] Oh, Frank.

It's Nigel.

Little Nigel.

-[Frank] Is it? -[Sheila] Yeah.

Where the bloody hell have you been?

-[Sheila coos] -[Frank] Couple of riots.

Pub.

[Sheila chuckling]

Where's Nigel come from?

[Sheila] Little Nigel.

Little Delia.

What is it?

[Umi] It's okay, Frank, it is a boy! [claps excitedly]

-[Fiona] What now? -[Sheila panting]

What's happening to her?

I don't know. Sheila?

The baby's here.

[Sheila] It's twins. Mind your backs.

-Here comes Delia! -[Debbie] No way!

[Sheila] It's a surprise for Frank. All right, Frank?

It's a surprise!

[sirens wailing]

[church bells ringing]

[helicopter blades whirring]

[car door opens]

[car door shuts]

[soldier] All right, next?

All right.

Right, you're not shoving that down me till I know what's in it.

It's just an antibiotic coagulant in a zinc phosphate-based emulsion.

Oh, right you are!

Actually, I think I've had this one before.

[indistinct chatter]

-The happy one's here. -Quick, quick.

[all cheer]

I know that's mine! I know that's mine!

[babies crying]

-[man] Done well there, Frank. -[Frank] Get fucked. Tosser.

[all cheering]

-What is that? -Right, who's next?

[Lip] Come on, Carl.

[Debbie] Hurry up!

-[Lip] Woah! -Cheers, Fiona.

[all laughing]

[Lip] Come on, everyone...

[Lip] What've you got? What've you got?

Whoa! A microscope.

[laughs]

[Lip] An arse-and-face towel! Let's have a look.

[Fiona] Arse-face!

[Steve] Oi, Ian...

[Lip] Go on, try 'em on...

[Carl] Here, who's that off, for you?

[Ian] It's from Kash and Yvonne.

[Lip] No way.

[Debbie] Get you, Ian. What are you? Employee of the month?

[Lip] What you on about?

Woah.

[Steve] Hope you like it.

[whispers] Wow.

-[all cheer] -[Lip] Good one, that.

-[Lip] Hello! -[Sheila] Hiya!

[laughs] Happy Christmas!

-[Debbie] Hurry up! -[wrapping paper tearing]

-Happy Christmas! -[Debbie] Happy Christmas.

What did you get? Let's have a look what you got.

-[Steve] Merry Christmas. -[Sheila] Happy Christmas!

-Did you see Santa? -[Ian] Come on, it's Christmas.

-[knocks] -[Fiona] It's open.

[Debbie] Can I share your mirror? They're really bugging me.

[Fiona sighs]

-Thanks for the present. -Suits you.

-Did you like yours? -Yeah.

Look, I know why you never enjoy this time of year.

'Cause Christmas is when Mum left.

So?

-Not that? -No.

'Cause Christmas is when Dad first got sent down?

No!

'Cause it's when you got expelled from St Helen's?

Big deal!

What's with the face?

I've started my periods.

-When? -Last night.

-You're too young. -I'm not the first in our year.

Why didn't you come to me?

-I told Yvonne in the shop. -Rather than me?

No, 'cause I had to buy... stuff.

[Yvonne] Never apologise for the anger, Debbie.

Feel it in your womb and learn to use it.

Otherwise you'll go bleedin' nuts.

[door bell rings]

You! Out! You're barred!

And anyway, you were busy.

I am never too busy to talk to you, sweetheart.

You can come to me with anything, you know that.

I'm way too old for that microscope.

If I can persuade Carl it's worth double what you paid,

would you be offended if I had his leather jacket?

No. Yeah. He loves that jacket.

Yeah, but not if I told him he looks a bit gay.

Okay. But don't wipe the floor with him.

Course not. I'll make him think it's his idea.

[sighs]

[Veronica] Oi! I asked you to keep an eye on the veg,

not plan your next bleeding bonfire.

All right, bi-i-nuh.

Yeah? Just listen to the sounds, mate.

All right, here we go. Buh-i-nuh.

-Banana! -Jesus, no!

-Just listen to the sounds, Kev. -See! What did I say?

Losing your rag won't help, will it? Just makes me feel like a complete prick.

[Steve] Uh, look, I'm really sorry, Kev.

Let's just start from the beginning. B--

I'm going round ours to get some more beers.

Fucking hell! Will someone please make sure

I'm not sitting next to him at the table?

I tried giving him lessons yonks back.

Me an' all. I gave him an hour, then I said me best friend

had died so I had to go home.

Lip, Ian...

Give us a hand.

[Ian] Why, what do you need?

[baby cooing]

Trestle...

Go and fetch a trestle table from ours.

Then nip round for Veronica's chairs.

-[Lip] How many are we? -Too many!

-Twelve. -[Ian] Thirteen.

-Dad's not hungry. -Yeah, but you'll be joining us

at the table, won't you, Frank?

-Get fucked. -Now I'm not having that.

Proud new father.

Get Frank a chair. Centre table. Where you belong, darling.

Debbie! Go and see if you can find Dad summat decent to wear.

[both] Not from my room!

-Come on. -You're filthy.

For what we are about to receive,

may the Lord our God make us a little bit more thankful

than we might otherwise have been.

May he grant us wealth, and peace, and happiness,

and wealth.

Plus, thanks for Pepe's resurrection.

-[Marty barks] -[all laugh]

[Chaplain] In the name of the Father, the Son

and the Holy Spirit, amen.

We have entrusted our dearly beloved brother

to God's merciful keeping and now commit his body to the--

-[dog barks] -[chaplain] What?

[Carol] You heard me, O Lord, in my hour of need...

crying like a baby for my baby.

[Ian laughs]

-[Frank] Fuck's sake! -We're not religious.

I'm not finished.

No wonder you're all plagued by misfortune.

[laughs]

And thanks all the more for bringing me

and Marty back together.

For uniting my babies at this special time with these special people.

If you do your best for peace and wealth,

I'll work my socks off for you.

-Amen. -[all] Amen.

Come on, everybody, let's eat! Happy Christmas!

-[all cheer] -[indistinct chatter]

Come on, Deb, get your party hat on.

[Lip] Kev, Kev, have a pull on that. Kev, Kev?

[indistinct chatter]

-[Lip] Oh, here we go. -[Frank mumbling]

[glass clinking]

[Steve] Fuck's sake, Frank.

-What? -[Lip] Dad!

-Give us your drink. -[Steve] Hey!

Hey, Dad, I think you've had enough.

Oh!

No truer a word said. Too right.

'Cause as soon as the doctor's open

-I am havin' the snip. -[Debbie] Can I have ketchup?

-No, Frank! -Oh, fucking yes, Frank!

[music playing]

[Frank] Talk about taking it up the shitter!

Eight kids on half a wage.

What's that if it's not a total fucking ambush?

Oh, come on, Frank.

Starter for ten, no conferring.

Queens', can you take it?

What's David Carradine all about

if you learnt fuck all, eh?

Eh? Where's your grasshopper now, Frank?

Snip-snip-fucking-snip!

[thunder rumbles]

[wheelchair buzzes]

-[wheelchair buzzes] -[woman grunts]

[woman] Frozen chips, triple A batteries,

drinking chocolate...