Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden

but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,

and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.

-[all gasp]

[Frank] They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run. Run for it. -[Lip] Quick. Leg it!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

-One, it stands on end... -[barking]

...and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love it.

-No! -[Frank] Debbie! Sent by God.

Total angel. You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam, gonna be a star, once we've got the fits under control.

[screams]

-[Frank] Sheila... -[laughs]

me bird, couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like.

Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica,

lend you anything-- Well, not anything.

But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life

is they know how to throw a party!

-[sirens wailing] -[Frank laughs] Scatter!

♪ Moon river ♪

♪ Wider than a mile ♪

♪ I'm crossing you in style ♪

♪ Someday ♪

[Fiona] I think it was Mum who said, you don't get anything free in this world,

and I remember thinking, well, water's free, and then she left,

leaving the final demand for the water rates

and I discovered that even that had a price.

♪ Moon river ♪

[Sheila gasps]

♪ And me ♪

[Fiona] A big part of growing up in our house

was about trying to find something for nothing.

Fiona, you won't get benefits if you've walked out of a job.

-So? I'll have to get another one. -Oh, just like that?

[Fiona] I've never had a struggle before.

-You've only ever had one. -[Fiona] I don't care.

I'm not being spoken to like a child for anybody.

Yeah, well couldn't you have just said that to your boss

and talked it through with her? Chucking it in's a bit rash.

Here you go. On me.

Some things are worth standing up for.

My two went to that nursery.

I've been that far off twatting her myself.

Yvonne, she's put herself out of work!

Well, if less of us put up with that kind of shit,

people like her might think twice.

I wouldn't care, but she didn't pay anywhere near minimum wage.

[shop door dings]

[Hippy Pete] No, I haven't, and I don't intend to.

What are they like, them lot?

"When did you last have an accident?"

Makes you feel like you've missed out.

[shop door dings]

What've I told you two?

-We can stand here if we want. -We're only doing our job.

Well, go do it somewhere else.

Don't tell me that Costchopper don't get a cut when you stand in their door.

You're hardly fucking Costchopper.

This is your last warning.

Cheers, Yvonne.

[indistinct chatter]

[Fiona and Veronica laugh]

-[Fiona] Oh, God! -[man whistles]

-God, talk to me. Talk. -Who is it?

He's like a bad penny. That's the third time

I've seen him this week. We'll go the long way round.

You've had him, haven't you?

You have, you've gone red. When?

Oh!

-Woo-hoo! Dead fit, mind. -Veronica!

You have though, haven't you?

I'm carrying his baby.

I'm ten weeks overdue.

Now, can we please keep walking?

Jesus, Fiona!

-How do you know it's his? -Because I do.

There hasn't been anyone else.

And it isn't Steve's.

Have you told him?

No. And I'm not going to.

Oh, here we go. Are you right in the head or what?

-What's it got to do with him? -About half.

He'll need to know what it's gonna cost him.

It was an accident. He doesn't need to know.

I've booked the abortion.

And?

I don't know whether I'm gonna go through with it.

I've not decided.

It's already cost you your job.

No it hasn't. That was me.

Yeah, you pregnant. Techy, worried.

I was the only girl in my class who wasn't pregnant before her GCSEs.

I've always been really proud of that.

If you're worried about what he'll say...

I could come with you.

No. No, he doesn't need to know.

[Graham] Have you had an accident in the past five years?

-No, I don't think so. -Are you sure?

Think. Do you know anyone who's had an accident?

Had an accident?

Kash, Kash, Kash, packet of skins, large ones.

And a... baby--

baby thing-- Dummy! Kids are driving me crazy.

Hey, Yvonne,

have you had an accident in the past five years?

Right, that is it.

I've told them twice this morning.

Down there, by the front.

Oi!

Next time, it'll be me baseball bat!

-For fuck's sake! -Right, we'll have you for that.

Tell it to the back of my head, loser.

-[bell dings] -[groans]

[Kash] Put your feet up. Sit down here. You're--

I'm fucking soaked. And me phones are ruined.

Oh, Jesus, me tooth, where's me tooth?

[Kash] You'll be all right, Frank. You've split your lip right open.

Might have to go to hospital with that.

[Frank] I've no tooth. Where is it?

-We'll take him to the hospital. -[Frank] Fuck off.

I can't go. Look at me!

That's negligence. Classic claim.

-[Frank groans] -You could be a rich man here.

-Right you, out! -[Graham] Look at me shoes!

They're piss wet through!

Hang on a minute.

Is this what it's come to? Charity tins?

Yeah, not for the first time.

What's the point in me and Ian working our arses off after school,

bringing money into the house, if you can just chuck a job away?

-You tell me. -[Lip] So the kids don't starve.

-This one's empty. -It can't be.

Have you seen the state of this?

Yeah, I know. But it's only until Fiona gets another job.

-Loser! -Rubbish,

because she starts work for Terry Wilson next Monday.

-You serious? -Mm-hm.

He wants to see you first, make sure you're not a minger, but yep.

You are brilliant!

[Lip] Hey, Fiona, I take it back, you're not a lazy dim bitch.

Terry Wilson died during a bypass.

You say this every time his name comes up.

Terry Wilson had a bad accident on a bypass, not during one.

-[Debbie] What is it? -[Veronica] And he didn't die,

or else he wouldn't be offering her a driving job, now, would he?

-[Lip] Take 'em out. -Driving? I can't drive.

-Yeah, you can. I've seen you. -No licence.

Oh, well, tell him it's at the DVLA and get a few lessons in quick.

Do you want beans with these, Carol?

No thank you, I'll get myself a fish without batter.

[laughter]

[Barry] It comes under public safety in a place of business.

So many boxes I can tick here.

Oh, Frank, you could have lost an eye.

Now, that would have been big money.

They made me wait five hours in fucking casualty

'cause some guy who shot himself starts queue jumping.

True, but he died.

-Oh, Frank. -True, but shot himself.

Hello.

Nye Bevan'd be turning in his grave if he thought

that twisted fucks like that were being prioritised

above your average working fella.

And they wonder where the money goes!

"Director of Health Services". Fucking chimps, the lot of 'em.

-Couldn't direct urine! -Have you any head pains, Frank?

What?

Oh, yeah.

Good. And blurred vision?

Oh, yeah. [chuckles] Yeah.

I have actually, since me 21st.

♪ He's got the key of the door never see life as it was before ♪

[laughs]

Too true. First drink was spiked with a medley of LSD and Spanish Fly.

Got arrested for shagging the exhaust pipe of a Mini Metro.

DV, textbook.

Double vision

Hey, do you hear that, Sheila? I'm textbook.

I'm not surprised. [chuckles]

And that tooth wants capping, pronto.

-I'll get you in private. -Private? Thanks, love.

-No, it's all in the claim. -We've got a referral scheme.

Remember, Frank:

No win, no fee. And we will win.

Just need your autograph here,

and we'll make you a rich man, Frank.

-Well, you obviously like him. -I don't.

You big liar.

How many times have you said that men don't face up

-to their responsibilities? -Never.

Well, I have, and if you don't tell him,

he'll find out from the CSA down the line.

-If you decide to keep it-- -I don't need the CSA.

Oh, hello, single unemployed mum,

which you will be once you start to show.

-Tits are already bigger. -Are they?

Uh-- Hey, they're nowhere near mine so keep your beady eyes off.

Look, just go round and tell him and tell him quick.

Trust your Auntie V.

[knocks on door]

Hiya, is Frank in?

We need to talk to him about this letter.

Are you police officers?

We're from the shop on the parade, Sheila.

Oh, yeah, context, sorry. Didn't recognise you

without the strip lighting. Come in, come in.

[Kash] It was an accident, Frank.

Look, bottom line is, we can't afford six grand.

-We'd have to close the shop. -Oh, we don't want that, do we Frank?

They won't close!

-Kash-- -No, hang on.

-Frank, be reasonable. -I only want what's right, Kash.

I mean, what's happened to trading standards?

Mary Whitehouse? Anyway...

it's all in the hands of my lawyers.

Frank, don't do this.

I've built that shop from scratch.

Whiplash, new tooth, do you know what that costs?

You wanker, Frank Gallagher.

Don't you ever show your pathetic arse of a face

-in my shop again. -Oh, true colours now, is it?

Setting the dogs on. Very fucking red dot zen.

-Try earning a living like t' rest of us. -I thought you were closing down.

It's your son you're hurting, Frank.

Come on, Kash, we're wasting our time.

Thanks for coming. [breathes heavily]

[shop bell rings]

[Ian] Yvonne, have we got any more pegs in the back?

I don't know and I don't care. We're closing up.

-Come on, you lot. Out! -What's happened?

Your dad, Frank Gallagher. That's what's happened.

I'm closing up. You're out of a job.

-I'm waiting to be served here. -Whatever it is, have it.

I will not be blackmailed by people round here.

If they want to treat us like this, they don't deserve a shop.

Forgot, I wanted two tins of salmon.

-Can I take them as well? -Don't push it, Lilian.

Ian, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to go home.

Kash, do the shutters.

Can everyone leave now, please?

This shop is no longer open for business.

-We don't have to do this. -Kash, this is my shop.

Ian, I'm sorry, but I've no choice here.

-Is Craig in? -Yeah, come in.

Craig, visitor.

[Craig] Hello, stranger. Long time no see.

-I just came to have a word. -All right, this is Sue.

-Hiya. -Me wife.

Oh, right.

-Hi. -This is Fiona.

Don't worry, it doesn't change anything.

-Whatever he's said. -We're not together.

Haven't touched in two and a half years, have we? I can't get shut of her.

That's because the tight-arsed gimp won't give me what he owes me.

Yeah, but there's two sides to that.

And don't touch the pasta in the fridge, I'm having it later.

It's just that, technically, all this is half mine,

otherwise I would be long gone.

Is that yours as in, it was your dad who worked all his life to pay for it?

No, mine as in, rightful settlement.

Watch him.

Welcome to my world.

Fiona!

Yeah, flat three grand for this. Or so me lawyer tells me.

Well, your face is your fortune, innit, Frank?

Hey, Jez, could we say I work here?

Bring in a sick note, loss of earnings, stick on the claim?

If I said you worked here, Frank, Health and Safety'd shut me down.

Aw, come on. The money I spend in here?

D'you wanna see your bar tab? Claim for that,

and tell them you were driven to drink?

You bastard! You stupid fucking bastard!

Jesus, what the fuck was that for?

Right, you. Out! Go on.

Shop's had to close down because of him.

They can't afford to keep it open.

I'm out of a job, Kash is out of a job,

your family's on the breadline and you don't give a fuck.

-[Carol] It's not shut, is it? -What are you talking about?

-[Jez] Is it shut? -Ask him.

He's suing the shop and they've had to close it.

[Carol] Where are we gonna shop with that place gone?

I mean, it's a half mile walk to the precinct.

[Lilian] Something's up.

Yvonne were kicking off terrible.

-And she chucked me out. -So, is it fucking shut?

[Lilian] That's what I'm sayin', yeah. She were cursing him.

[Jez] Right, you, we're not serving you. -[Frank] What? You can't bar me.

We're not barring you, Frank. We're just not choosing to serve you,

-due to popular demand. -[woman] Piss off!

Do we want to serve someone who's closing our amenities?

-[all] No! -See.

[man] Yeah.

[woman on TV] All right, do you get what I mean now?

[man on TV] I've--

[Fiona] I don't believe this. I'm really sorry, Ian.

I'm not finding him a job as well.

Yours better work out or we're up shit creek without a paddle.

[Lip] Can have a look in the paper.

[Ian] Is that all?

[Veronica] You all right?

I can't keep it now. I really need this job, V.

You'll be all right.

Have you been round to lover boy's?

-Yeah. -And?

-I met his wife. -He's married? Jesus!

-[Lip] Who's married? -Nothing. No one.

You're gonna have to tell 'em.

I'm pregnant.

-I knew it. I knew you were. -[Fiona] You did not.

Everyone says that.

I did. I've been knitting booties for a week.

The yellow ones. Either or. They're in my room.

-How did you get pregnant? -Don't be thick.

-Shit, Fiona. -Whose is it?

You don't know him.

[sighs] Congratulations. Another mouth to feed.

Thank you.

I'm going to bed.

Up the duff!

I know-- I know how you get pregnant.

[knocking at door]

One more won't make much difference.

Prick!

Slaphead! Fuck's sake!

Come on, Fiona. Don't wanna be late on your first day.

What you on about?

Well, you can't drive on your own.

[Debbie] Not on your provisional.

I can drive. No one's gonna know.

-I'll easily get away with it. -What if you get stopped?

You'd be out of another job and how clever would that be?

Someone's gotta sit with you. Then it's legal.

-When was this decided? -[all] Last night.

And Marty was the only one we knew with a clean licence.

Well, he's been inside too long to run up any points.

[chuckling]

[sighs] God help me!

-[Lip] See ya. -[Debbie] Have a nice time.

-[Ian] Wouldn't wanna be ya. -[Debbie] Bye.

I've come for the money you owe me.

[Yvonne] You can help with t' stock take if you want a bit more.

[Ian] Are you really gonna close?

Got t' chance of a unit. Croft Estate in Failsworth.

That's miles away.

[Yvonne] You can apply for a start-up grant.

They're giving them away up there.

More money than there is round here.

Could be the best thing that ever happened.

Oh, don't start. What choice have we got?

It's either this or we watch his dad piss away

all our hard-earned money at t' Jockey.

Well, there's no chance of that. They've barred him.

-Why, what's he done now? -[Ian] Shut this shop.

They hate him.

It's nice to know that there's some justice in t' world.

I'll leave you two.

-I was gonna come and see you. -It's not fair.

-We can still see each other. -When, Kash? And where?

Back of your van? [sobs]

-Come here. -[Ian sobs]

So, where's your dad drinking then, Ian?

Nowhere. They've all barred him.

Well, you'd better be right,

‘cause I'll have your balls if this plan doesn't work.

[Kash] What plan?

-What are you doing, Marty? -It's my mirror.

If Marty's responsible for the vehicle,

then I've got to have one of these.

-Where did you get it? -It's mine. I found it.

Kev, there's a motorcycle overtaking now.

[Kev] Yeah, all right, Veronica, I can see it.

Who the fuck nicks a driving mirror?

[Fiona] Here, make yourself useful.

Look up that address in this.

[Marty] Headlamps!

[Yvonne] If you offset the loss of business against the claim,

it's about eight days before we're out of pocket

but I'm holding out for no more than two, Ian.

-Right, there's 200. -[Yvonne] Right.

Get these to everyone who has a paper

and any other doors you pass.

Your dad is gonna be begging us to open.

Sorry, love, we're closed. Legal reasons.

Frank Gallagher's fault. That's Frank Gallagher.

Right, off you go, you two.

[whispers] Kash.

[they chuckle]

-[indistinct chatter] -[sighs] Pint, please.

A pint of what, Sheila?

Just a pint.

[sighs]

I'm not serving you, Frank. It's more than me job's worth.

Christ's sake, give her a fucking Oscar.

Oh, come on, a quick one. Come on, Jez will never know.

No, but they will.

-[man] Get out of here. -[woman] Yeah.

[Kev] They've lost their shop, Frank.

-They're angry. -[Frank] Oh, give over.

They can shop anywhere. Shops? It's not fucking Warsaw.

[man] It's as good as.

-[wind whistles] -[sombre music]

Come on, Frank, everybody's looking.

Give us an E to take away.

Keep it to yourself.

[Frank coughs]

-"Just a pint." -I'm sorry, Frank.

He just caught me off guard. I kept thinking whiskey

but I knew that wasn't right.

-All you had to fucking do-- -[Sheila screams]

[grunts] Blood!

-What? -[Sheila] I've been shot.

-Oh, my God! -[Frank] Fucking hell!

Oh! Oh! Oh, my God, Frank!

[man] Frank Gallagher, you bastard!

It's a fucking-- It's a fucking egg.

[Sheila screams]

[screaming continues]

[man] You're a dead man, Gallagher!

-Fuck off! -[Sheila screaming]

Here you go. Five sugars.

Fiona-- Button it! No.

Fiona-- Not a chance.

Do you want the baby?

I don't want to talk about it, Marty.

‘Cause, i-- if you wanna keep it,

you don't have to bring it up alone,

if you don't want-- Shitty!

Thanks.

I'd do anything for you.

Look, Marty...

thing is, I'm not gonna have it.

I need to keep this job or we've got no money coming in.

It wouldn't be a good idea right now.

I'm booked in for the morning.

But thanks.

Right.

I suppose that's for the best, though, innit?

Is it?

You don't have to do this, you know. Sitting with me.

It's very kind. I'm really grateful.

No, it's fine. I like it. I don't-- Wanker.

-Not you. -Fine.

I'm dropping the charges. You can have the shop back.

[all cheer]

Now pour us a pint.

Let's see you do it first.

Remind me to pick up some free condoms while I'm here.

Have you seen the state of her?

How do you get a bun in the oven looking like that?

Fiona Gallagher.

-Shall I come with? -No, no, I'll be fine.

See you in a bit.

I mean, it's what this country's all about, innit?

They're hard little workers in here

and they represent the values of our way of life.

Late night opening, fair prices,

and affordability.

I'm proud to announce, they're back open.

[woman] Oh, about bloody time.

Right, going home, got a headache.

[indistinct chatter]

Before you say anything, we've had to make one or two price rises.

It's only because of the loss of business.

But, if you offset that against your bus fares

you've been paying, you're still saving.

Total victory!

Yeah, well get outside there and make yourself worthwhile.

[Frank] Stick the kettle on, Sheila.

[door closes]

Oh, sweet Jesus, what do you two want?

Tell me you haven't gone and cancelled your claim, Frank.

Look, I don't want to talk about it.

-You can't pull out now. -Wheels in motion, Frank.

-They've explained it to me. -[Barry] Look,

we spent best part of a day with you, Frank.

Oh, Christ, I can't do right for doing fucking wrong round h--

Look, I've had eggs and stuff, so no more, finito.

Frank, I don't think you quite understand.

This is your bill. Read the small print.

If you terminate the claim prior to completion,

any costs incurred by the company

are passed onto the client, and that's you, Frank.

-You what? -[Graham] It is in there.

-You signed it. -What fucking costs?

Letter to the Karibs, dental work, admin costs.

-Yeah? -£926.47.

[Sheila gasps]

Oh, my God, Frank. What have you done?

[baby crying]

How are you?

Fine.

So don't all stare at me.

We wondered where you were.

What? Carl, what?

What's the matter?

All right?

-Fuck you doing here? -I wanted a word.

I told him to come back later but he wouldn't go.

-It's fine. -Look, if it's a bad time...

No, no, you might as well stay.

-Is everything all right? -[Fiona] Yeah.

And?

-I'd better explain. -Right, yeah, I'd better be off.

Washing up to do, probably.

You know where I am if you need me.

-[door closes] -I went for an abortion today.

-Right. I'm sorry. -But I didn't have it.

I couldn't.

I feel... different, in a good way.

I just couldn't do it. So I'm keeping it.

So don't start.

Look, this is a bad time. I'll--

It's yours, by the way.

I've been trying to tell you.

I thought if I knew you a bit better, it might make more sense...

but then everything seemed to go wrong. I'm sorry.

It's okay though, I've sorted it all out.

You should have told me.

I might have if your wife hadn't answered the door.

I didn't know you were gonna turn up.

-I wasn't hiding it. -It doesn't matter.

You were right, it's nothing to do with me.

And you thought once you'd told me, you'd never see me again?

It's what most blokes round here do.

[scoffs] Bollocks.

Most of them get married and really fuck things up.

Well, you haven't got that option. Nor do I.

I'm not asking for anything.

It doesn't involve you.

Do I not have that option either?

[sighs]

I don't know.

[Craig sighs]

So, how long have you been married?

[Craig sighs] Years. Well, feels like years.

Can't get shut of her.

It's my dad's house but she's claiming it's half hers.

I wouldn't care, but he's still alive. Just...

I was working on the oil rigs when we first met.

I think that suited her.

I'd go away and she'd go shopping.

[scoffs] Do you want to know the irony?

I've wanted a little girl for years, just not with you.

Oh!

I don't mean not with somebody like you, just,

you know, with somebody I'd planned it with, or I am with.

-So, were you trying? -Thought we were.

Thought we both were.

Turned out she was using enough contraceptives to sterilise an elephant.

Why do you say a little girl?

I had a sister that got hit by a car.

-Is that true? -Yeah, course it is.

Who'd make that up?

[scoffs]

-All right, Paddy? -[Paddy] Frank.

Hey, Paddy!

Didn't you win-- The whatsit, the lottery, a few weeks back?

No, Frank, it was me brother, Martin.

Right, but could you ask him to lend me a few hundred quid?

Just for a week?

I can ask him, Frank, but he won't do it.

-Oh, come on! -He won £75, Frank,

and he's still got that fine to pay 'cause of you. Goodnight!

Fuck it, fuck it.

[sighs] Well, I phoned as soon as the lines were open

so I don't see how I could be too late.

Oh, okay, fingers crossed for next time then. Bye.

Some people are so snooty. [gasps]

[clapping]

Come in. Oh! That's perfect.

Here you are, Carl.

Oh, congratulations on the baby, by the way.

What does that make me?

A half granny or a step granny?

Either way it's a bit of a mouthful.

Your dad was so moved.

Sheila, holiday to Florida, £500 spending money,

GMR, 15 minutes.

[gasps]

We'll just take the spending money. Can't fly.

-What's going on? -Phone-ins.

I'm gonna get us the money back. Your dad's inconsolable.

He tried to sell his cap back to the dentist this morning.

Are you gonna win it?

Well, I've done them before when Karen was little.

Year's supply of mini yoghurts.

The secret's in the tie-breakers.

The judges said I'm a natural.

I've done two quizzes on the radio already. [laughs]

-It's a bit of a long shot, innit? -Someone's got to win.

Do you want to play beat the intro, Sheila?

[breathes heavily] Whatever.

[laughs hysterically]

I need to get off. Good luck!

Your dad's so proud of you.

It never rains but it fucking pours.

You try and bring your kids up with some self-respect, and then what?

Your daughter, the apple of your eye,

is up the duff from some Tom, Dick or Harry.

Where do we go wrong?

Have you tried leading by example?

[Frank] I mean, what about Liam?

-He's yours, Frank. -Yeah, I know that,

but she can't just walk out and leave him.

...five grand. Are you there, Sheila?

I'm on the air. Call Karen, call Karen.

Yes, hello, I'm still here, Dickie.

[Graham] Barry.

Oh, fucking hell, not you two again.

Frank, it's Sheila.

Look everyone, it's Sheila on Grab My Grand.

[Sheila] Oh, I know that one. Is it Puffin Island?

Correct. Next question. What is the capital of Spain?

Barcelona. I went at Easter with the two Marthas.

-Seven pound return. -Is it-- Fuck, it's Lisbon.

-[Sheila] Is it Madrid? -Correct.

-[all cheer] -It's Barcelona.

...get it right and you have won £1000, but if you're wrong,

you go away with absolutely nothing.

So, here we go. How many sides has a dodecahedron?

-[indistinct chatter] -Great. Fucking great.

[Sheila] Okay...

Dodecahedron, how many sides?

Uh...

[presenter] I'm going to have to push you for an answer, Sheila.

[Sheila] Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, what can it be?

Oh... Um...

Twelve?

Congratulations Sheila, you've grabbed...

[cheering]

[exuberant screaming]

We won. Sheila, we won!

[groans]

Hey, I saw that. That was assault.

What are you talking about? I didn't move.

Sorry, mate. Not from where I'm standing.

And unless you call off them swindling lawyers,

there's about 20 witnesses here that'll swear

-that you just hit him. -It wasn't me, it was--

[Kev] You all right, Frank?

Me fucking cap's come off.

-This is a fit up. -Yeah.

-Fuck you, ginger. -Call the police, Jez.

Just do it, Barry.

[Sheila] Your dad's gonna love it.

Pass the other T, Carl.

-Can we put it in the window? -If you like.

Well, your bill's cleared, Frank.

And now you're down as a bad debt. Hope it makes you happy.

Come on, let's have a party.

["Celebration" by Kool & the Gang plays]

[indistinct chatter]

-[Craig] Hiya. -Can I get you a drink then?

Given this was your idea, mine's a pint.

-Fiona. -You're all right, Dad.

I'm still gonna look after Liam, so you can fuck off.

I'm sorry I spoke.

A kid should know who its dad is.

-Course it should. -Not having

-any formal visiting rights. -Not asking for that. I won't.

Be a good looking kid though, won't it?

Taking after the father, I suppose.

Taking after both of us.

It'll be all right, you know.

I know.

-Best we don't get too involved. -Absolutely.

-It'll just fuck it all up. -Yeah.

We won't then.

We're gonna be really sensible.

-Yeah. -[moans]

Look...

Fiona, can this wait?

[Fiona moans]

-[Craig] What are them? -Strawberry undies.

They're out of a tin but they taste nice.

[Sheila cheers]

Is Frank here?

I don't think so. Has anyone seen Dad?

-No. -He was celebrating last night.

Oh, has he heard already? They must have called him.

[gasps] I've been on the go all morning.

[laughs]

Congratulations on last night.

Oh, thank you. The phone's not stopped ringing.

Oh, isn't it lovely how many people call you

when you've won something? [laughs]

Look, you can go back through to my side if you like.

-[Ian, Lip, Debbie] Ooh! -How's that an innuendo?

Actually, I've got to go. I've got a session with somebody

-in 20 minutes. -[Ian, Lip, Debbie] Ooh!

[Fiona] Grow up.

Sorry. Good excuse. They're a bit of a handful.

Sort of.

Cheers.

Right, who's in tonight? ‘Cause I just got paid,

so the fish and chips are on me.

[all cheer]

Come on, Sheila, we'd better go and find Dad.

I forgot to ask. Do you fancy going for a drink?

[all] Ooh!

-When? -Tonight.

-But you come to mine. -Sure.

What?

[pool balls clatter]

[groans]

[coughs]

Oh!

Oh, Jesus, I dreamt I was dead.

Yeah, I have that dream.

Sorry about that, Sheila. It got a bit late last night.

I forgot he was there.

-Hello, Frank. -Hello.

Oh, Christ, I need a cup of tea. Where the fuck am I?

I'll put the kettle on.

[Sheila] Frank...

I won Grab My Grand last night.

A thousand pounds.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

-Sheila... -Yeah?

I love you.

[gasps]

Oh!

And I went to see the district manager

of Accident Jackpot this morning.

I've paid him. You're a free man.

-What? -You don't owe a penny.

Oh, Jesus. No. [sobs] No.

[whimpers]

-I was doing my best, Frank. -A thousand fucking quid.

But there's nearly £80 change.

It won't pay the bar bill.

This came this morning. Second prize. Satin FM.

Oh, Frank, I'm getting quite a taste for this.

♪ I should be so lucky Lucky, lucky, lucky ♪

♪ I should be so lucky ♪

[Fiona] Sheila celebrated winning that money for weeks.

For the rest of us,

the notion of another mouth to feed wasn't anything new,

but the idea that it wasn't another offspring of Dad's

took a bit of getting used to.

I'm a good human being with a great deal to offer.

-[screaming] -No!

Once the courts see you're a respectable, hard-working member of society,

they'll have no choice but acquittal.

-Boo! No! -[screams]

-So, why are you back? -Because, Blondie,

I fell in love.

[Fiona] Marty, no!

Did you really think that somebody like her

would be interested in a freak like you?

Beauty's everywhere.

Just depends on whether you choose to see it.

[Marty] I am a good human being with a great deal to offer.

I'm a--

-Boner! Sorry! -[laughs]

[theme music plays]

["Countdown" theme music plays]

Eight letters, "copulate"!

[gasps] Sorry.

[chuckles, breathes heavily]