Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,

but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids,

-who I'm proud of... -[grunts]

...'cause every single one of them reminds me

-a little of me. -[all grunt]

[Frank] They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run! Run for it! -[Ian] Quick! Leg it!

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

[Frank] Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

-[growls] -[Frank] One, it stands on end

and makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love it.

-[screams] -[Frank] Debbie, sent by God,

total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam, gonna be a star, once we've got the fits under control.

[screams]

[Frank] Sheila, me bird, couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like. Fantastic neighbours,

Kev and Veronica, lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But, all of them, to a man know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in this life

is they know how to throw a party!

[laughing] Scatter!

[presenter] And joining Cheryl and Bernadette

on this year's science scholarship

to America is a very lucky man

from Greater Manchester and the first ever to achieve

unanimous acclaim from the judging panel.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Phillip Gallagher. -[crowd cheering]

[Mandy] You bothered about this or what?

Sorry, I was miles away.

[Lip] Do you ever get that sinking feeling when something good happens?

One bit of you wants to believe your luck's really changed.

-[bell ringing] -[Lip] But another bit

just keeps saying it's all gonna go tits up any minute.

[indistinct chatter over police radio]

[Lillian] You don't need window locks round here. You need a shotgun.

Prevention's much more effective than cure.

Here you are, stick your name down.

We'll send round a crime protection officer

and then you can get them fitted for free.

They're free?

Yep. Oi, you can't just take 'em.

He just told me they were free.

Yeah, but you need a home visit first.

You can't just-- These are just for display.

Hold the fort.

-[indistinct chatter] -[Tony] Fiona? Fiona.

Look, I'm sorry about, you know... Steve.

Do you fancy driving out somewhere for a drink?

Black Swan maybe, you know? Might cheer you up a bit.

I'll call you later, yeah?

[Lillian] Going to let him get away with that?

-[Stan] Oi! Oi! -Shit!

[Tony] Oi!

Hey, come back here now. Come back.

[Lillian] Come on! Quick!

[indistinct chatter, clamouring]

[Lip] Winning a science scholarship

in a school that's blacklisted from the league tables wasn't easy,

but I did, so fuck 'em.

Snag is though I had to cover my own expenses.

So I'm working round the clock doing other people's homework to raise cash,

which isn't hard except for...

-Fuck's sake! -[clamouring continues]

I'm trying to do some work.

So, it's not our problem.

You should stick to doing your own homework.

I'm only doing everybody else's 'cause I need the money.

Well, get a proper job like me

-if you need the money. -Not if I have to shag

-the boss up the arse. -Cut it out. Everybody stop.

-[yelps] -[indistinct yelling]

Ugh, I'm off to Sheila's.

[clamour continues]

-[sports commentary over TV] -[Frank] Go on. Go on. Go on.

-[Sheila] It's ready in a minute, babies. -[babies crying]

[Frank] Get in! He's done it! He's done it! [laughs] Yeah!

Daddy's a winner. [laughs]

-Come here. -What?

Pink slip. Accumulator. It's worth a few bob.

-There it is! Wait, wait. -[babies crying]

[Lip] I thought you lot were meant to be going out.

Oh, sorry, love.

Frank, if you've got time will you pop into Lena's?

I promised to mind her house while she's on holiday.

[Frank] No, sorry, love, I've got to go and see

Jerry the Jockey about that Jackson Street joinery job.

-It's all right, Lip'll do it. -[Sheila] Good luck!

Lip, do us a favour, nip round to my friend's

and water her fish while she's away.

-Key's on the dresser. -[babies crying]

[Sheila humming]

-[indistinct chatter] -[dog barking]

-[drill whirring] -[hammering]

[street noises fade]

[Ian] Forget something?

[sighs] Uh, shampoo.

-I left my purse at home. -Oh, shampoo.

-Come on, Debs. -[Kash whistling]

[Ian] What you nicking from Kash for?

Thought the daft paki wouldn't notice?

No, I wasn't nicking. Just borrowing.

I always bring 'em back the next day.

Where does it say "public library" in here?

You shouldn't be watching this stuff anyway.

I don't watch 'em. I only copy them.

-What? -[Kash whistling]

If you get caught, then it's nothing to do with me, all right?

[doorbell ringing]

Got anything with vampires in it,

or zombies, or kung fu?

Oh, Debbie's in her room. Go on up.

My mum was fuming. She said one minute,

she was watching Blade, and Wesley had his shirt off,

next minute it went all fuzzy and Basil fucking Brush came on.

[clicks tongue] What does she want instead?

[Lucy] Horror, kung fu, or she wants her money back.

Take your pick. Have an extra one for three nights for half price.

[Debbie] Check it out properly.

It's coming out of your money.

[girl] Carl, where's that new one?

[Debbie] We've got tons of new releases. Have a good rummage.

-[knocking on door] -[Lip] Fiona. Can I come in?

[whispers] You okay?

-Anything I can get you? -[Fiona sighs]

Cigs?

Booze?

-Red Cross parcel? -[chuckles]

[Lip sighs]

[Fiona sobs]

[Debbie] Carl, have you checked Lucy's mum's tape yet?

[Molly on TV] I'm getting wet just thinking about it.

I hope you're ready to perform for me.

[man impersonating Elvis] Uh-huh, baby.

[man] Are you ready for the King?

Come and enter my heartbreak hotel, baby.

["Suspicious Minds" by Elvis Presley playing]

[man] I want to introduce you to a friend of mine, darlin', from Mississippi.

Love me tender, don't be cruel, that's my job.

What?

Fuck me every which way, you old hound dog.

-[Molly moaning] -[man] Oh, baby.

That feels good. Glory, glory hallelujah.

[man] Ow, ow, ow!

-[Molly moaning] -[man moaning] Oh, baby.

[moaning continues]

-[Molly] Elvis P... -What film's this?

-[Carl] Meant to be Lucy's. -[man speaking indistinctly]

-[Molly moaning] -[man] Oh, my...

That's Lucy's mum.

The lollipop lady?

[indistinct chatter]

[smooches]

Watching your own mum and dad? Sick!

[man speaking indistinctly]

[Debbie] That's not her dad, he's in prison.

-[Molly moaning] -[man moaning]

Do us ten copies, see if we can shift a few.

[Molly] I'm caught in a trap, baby.

[Molly moaning]

Make it a dozen. [chuckles]

[man] I'm a hound dog, baby.

[video game bleeping]

[gasps] Sorry, love, forgot you were here.

[chuckles] I left one of my books.

Try under your dad. Didn't get that job.

It's really knocked his confidence. Aw.

-[baby crying] -Oh, coming, Nigel. Coming.

Just remembered where I left it. See ya.

[Sheila] Bye!

[Lip] Hey.

[modem beeping, whirring]

[water dripping]

[tool clatters]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[birds chirping]

[dogs barking in distance]

[doorbell ringing]

[Debbie] Hiya, got some new films.

You two will love it. Hot stuff.

-See you later. -[woman] All right!

[Debbie] Billy, come on. I've got some new videos for you.

Yeah, what do you want?

[Debbie] Contains material of an adult nature.

-[Debbie] See ya. -[doorbells ringing]

Hiya, you all right?

Y'alright?

Y'alright.

Hi, Debbie. All right?

It's a cracker. See you later. Enjoy.

-See ya. -[Debbie] Bye.

[Stan] Debbie, what are you doing?

Debbie... Fiona know where you are?

Are your minds open to the truth?

Good. I've been trying all week to tell people

that the Lord is the only truth we need.

-Have you got a few minutes? -Sorry, Debbie.

Crime doesn't stand still for anyone, you know.

[police siren wailing in distance]

[Lip whistling]

[keys jingling]

[Lip] What the...

[breathes heavily]

[nervously] Hello? Hello?

[Lena] What are you doing in my house?

Out, or you're getting this.

No, no, no, just hang on, all right.

[Lena] I've called the police, they're on their way.

Two minutes. They'll be here in two minutes.

I just wanted somewhere quiet to work.

-Just fuck off! -This wasn't me.

[Neary] Nowhere to hide, scuzz.

-[Lip] Nothing. -[Neary] Put it down.

Look, it's nothing to do with-- Whoa!

-[Neary] Bottle, down. -Okay, just hang on...

All right. This wasn't me. Look, you've got it wrong.

-[Neary grunts] -[Lip groans]

[gasps heavily] Fat bastard.

-[Neary grunts] -[Lip groans]

[Lip coughs]

[Neary grunts]

-[Neary] That is assault. -[Lip] Piss off.

And this is resisting arrest.

-[Neary grunts] -[Lip groans, gasps]

[Lip coughs]

[officer] Unit 2 to control. We've made an arrest.

[police siren wailing]

[man] Oi, keep it down!

[man] Shut it, you bastards!

Hey! If nobody answers after fifty knocks,

it tells me they're not fucking in.

[dogs barking]

Fuck's sake, Tony!

Look, do you know where Fiona is?

Gone out. Probably to avoid stalkers like you.

Why don't you give her a break?

[siren continues wailing]

Home grown? Better be worth it. Who's in it?

Molly Connor and some guy who's got a taste for dressing up.

-Molly Connor? Remind me. -You know Molly Connor.

-I don't. -You know.

"Mind your backs. Children passing."

-[chuckles] -The lollipop lady.

Oh, Molly, but isn't her old man...

-Yeah, five years for GBH. -[chuckles]

Shaz reckons it's definitely not him.

She's running a sweepstake.

First to name the boyfriend gets a hamper,

-and a trip to the brewery. -[laughs]

I'd hate to be the fella when the hubby finds out.

-Ooh! -Funny as fuck though.

-[Frank laughs] -Stiffy and the stitch.

Treat yourself, Frank, come on.

Sorted.

Have you seen Fiona?

-[Kevin] No. -[Frank] No.

-Oh, shit. -[indistinct chatter]

Right, you, you're coming to the nick with me.

Hey, look, if it's about them tax discs--

It's Lip, he's been arrested. He needs a guardian.

[Frank] Well, eh, no, he won't want me,

-he'll want Fiona. -Nicked for what?

[Frank] Dozy bastard.

Look, I can't, I've got a job interview tomorrow--

Yeah, right, course you have, Frank.

Look, you either come in willingly, or...

All-- All right. Hang on, hang on.

Two shots.

Your son is charged with aggravated burglary.

-Take the fifth. No comment. -And resisting arrest.

Take the fifth. He's saying nothing till he sees a lawyer.

Mr Puffin is your son's lawyer.

-Him? Fuck me! -[sergeant] All right.

The most serious of the charges facing your son

is that of assaulting a police officer.

-Say nothing. Schtum. -[door opens]

Jesus wept.

You said you only whacked him once. What with, a mallet?

I didn't do that. I can't have.

[officer] You sure about this, Neary?

[Neary] Go on, make it count.

-[Neary grunting] -[wood clattering]

So... you told your father

-that you struck this officer. -Yeah, but--

Yeah, yeah, but in self-defence. Look at the size of the cunt.

-Shut up! -Eh?

[sergeant] Charge him. Theft, assault and resisting arrest.

Whatever little bleedin' problem it is,

I am not dealing with it. Right?

I've been out for a drink, I'm knackered, and I am going to bed.

[Fiona sighs]

What are you-- Spit roast!-- lookin' at, you?

[indistinct radio chatter]

Well, call this justice?

You wouldn't know justice if it bit your tits. I'll see you in court.

Hey, Fiona, I've done me best, but...

they've stitched us.

They're keeping him in overnight. What's that about?

[Fiona] You didn't let him say anything, did you?

[laughs] Just a little bit.

Couldn't you wait, you useless git! Even you should know that.

Oh, great! I rush down here to help out

for the good of me eldest son,

my first born and-- and where the fuck were you?

I couldn't find you. I had to settle for this joker.

Oh, fucking charming.

Here, where do I sign for the expenses, mate.

-Loss of income and all that? -What I see as a priority is--

-[Fiona] You're fired, fuck off. -[Marty] Have a bath!

[indistinct chatter]

-Who's good? Any ideas? -Billy Thompson.

Got us off that hit-and-run during the driving lesson.

Yeah, that's 'cause the instructor

had a breakdown before he got to court, Frank.

Oh, yeah. [laughs] Ironic or what?

-[can opening] -[Mandy] All our family use Old Man Jacks.

Yeah, and how many of them are behind bars?

Who's that Yorkshire one, you know, never lost a case.

[sighs] Um, you know, did the triple murder in the barn.

You know, proved it was the priest

and not the husband. And, oh...

[breathes heavily] Uh, uh. It's Kavanagh. Kavanagh QC.

[laughs] Oh, I've just forgotten the Mini Rolls.

What kind of legal secretary would I make? [chuckles]

[Ian] Lip didn't burgle that house.

He twatted a cop, and he said so on tape.

-Or rather, you did. -If anybody else blames me,

-I'm off. -You dick.

[Ian] Well, somebody must know something.

[Marty] Why can't we just start asking round, see who knows what?

-Starting with who? -Dunno, but, if we kick enough of 'em

someone's gonna say something. Kill!

What's it like in prison?

Third time's not so bad. First scared me shitless.

Everyone's after your arse, food-- food, fags, stamps.

Mainly your arse.

Petrocelli!

Oh, I used to fancy him rotten.

[hisses] Lived in a trailer. [gasps]

[man] Oi! Will you get me out of here, will you?

[door opening]

[man] Will you?

Oi! Is anybody there?

Hey, you!

[Carl sobbing]

-[Ian] Talk. -What about?

Don't fuck about, Carl. I wanna know what you know.

[Carl] Nothing.

[Ian] Help yourself here, Carl.

You knew the keys to that house were at Sheila's, didn't you?

No, well, yeah. I-- I took 'em, but I didn't mean to...

I swear. [sobs] I swear, Ian.

Don't tell him. Don't tell Lip. Please.

Go on. Talk.

Me and Chogs just went round to watch a video for a laugh.

-[laughs] -[Carl] Vince turned up with his mates.

All right. Morning. [laughs]

I told 'em to leave stuff alone, honest. But they just took everything.

[Vince] Get the microwave.

[all laughing]

-[boy] Smash it! -[Vince] Get the video!

-Grab it. Go on! -[boy 2] Look for some money.

-[Carl] Fucking move! -[indistinct chatter]

Take the telly.

Me and Chogs legged it to take the keys back.

We didn't know Lip went back to get 'em.

You won't tell the others, will you?

-Go and get it all back. -I can't. They'll kill me.

This is all your fault. What're you gonna do about it?

-I don't know. What do we do? -We?

There's no fucking we. [scoffs] I'm not going round there.

I am.

He needs sorting. We need to talk.

[woman] It wasn't me.

[officer] Yeah, get in, love.

[man] I've been waiting here for bloody hours now.

I've got to get home to see me wife.

Then I've got to take the dog out for a bloody piss as well.

Do you hear me? Come on.

Never mind ignoring me.

[sergeant] Mr Gallagher, you'll receive a letter shortly,

advising you of the court date.

Check your possessions. Sign there.

[police siren wailing]

Fiona.

These are all lawyers that the custody office thinks are twats.

Meaning they're fine.

[Fiona] Did you speak to Neary?

Well?

[Neary] Kiss my big hairy swingers, you fucking loser.

[dog barking]

[Fiona] Thanks for trying, Tony.

Thanks for bringing him home.

Oi, pull your finger out.

Why, what's it to you? You're not even family.

Fiona deserves better than this.

[sniffs] If it's down to me to sort it, I'll sort it.

[chuckles] You think she'd look twice at you, you fucking psycho.

Psycho.

-Is Debbie in? -Sorry, Lucy, she's gone already.

Can I give her a message?

Can you tell her I gave her the wrong tape.

My mum went spare 'cause it's her wedding video.

I'll pass it on, don't you worry.

Well? Can't I leave you alone for one minute?

It's just a few tapes for some friends.

They can't afford brand-new.

I do some for old people too.

Can't get out much. And a cripple.

[sighs]

It's as close as he can remember to what they took. Memorise it.

This is what you're looking for, okay?

Oh, the place will probably be full of knockoff. Fuck off!

Don't matter. We only want what's on the list.

If she gets her stuff back then she might change her mind

and drop the charges.

Marty, are you sure you've done this before?

Of course. D block!

Right. [sighs] Who lives here?

-[Carl] Chogs. -[Marty] But who'll be sleeping there?

His brother, Vince.

Vince's mate, Tel.

-And maybe Vince's bird, Shaz. -[wolf howling]

God, she's fucking evil. If she wakes up, leg it.

[Carl] What if someone does come?

[Marty] You just keep lookout. I'll do the rest.

Any trouble, we'll torch the place.

No. No one's gonna torch anything.

You promised. Give me your matches, Marty.

I don't wanna go. Please.

He's gonna be no use to anybody.

He fucking comes or who learns lessons from this?

How's he gonna live with himself if he just bottles out?

Get up, you've got eyes, haven't you?

[Carl scoffs]

It's his fault, anyway.

[thunder rumbling]

[Ian] Wake up, Carl. Time to go.

-[Ian] Carl. -[Marty] Hang on to him.

I know what'll wake him.

-Wide awake club. -What you giving him?

-[Marty] Speed. -Marty!

[Marty] Wakey, wakey.

Well, he's slow at the best of times.

They're safe enough. Come on.

-[Marty grunts] -[thunder crashes]

Wake up. Here we go.

-Where the fuck is he? -[thunder rumbling]

[Marty] Getaway car sorted.

Now we're talking. Good thinking, Marty.

-Right. -One.

-Two elephant. -Go!

Three elephant.

-[thunder rumbles] -[door clatters]

[Marty] Bucket of spunk! Ninja assassin!

[Ian] Hurry up! Shh.

[Marty] Quiet!

Here, take it.

[Ian] Get us some more stuff.

[thunder rumbles]

[Marty] Arsehole!

I've got some fishing rods, put 'em in the-- put 'em in.

-[Ian] What're you doing? -[Marty pants]

None of this stuff's on the list.

-Where's the stuff? -[Marty] Uh?

-The woman's stuff. -[laughs hysterically]

[Marty] Ski boots! On the piste!

[groans] A trophy? What--

-[woman] Who's there? -[Marty] Go. Go, go.

[woman] Is there anybody there?

Faster! [snorts]

[laughs]

[Ian] Marty, watch the bastard cars.

[Ian] You got all the wrong stuff.

You're absolutely fucking useless.

You didn't get one thing on the list. You just panicked.

What were that great big robbery you said you'd been on?

-[clears throat] -Fuckin' Oxfam shop?

If Fiona finds out, she's gonna go spare.

Fiona.

[footsteps descending]

Well, hiya, Carl. You're up early.

Didn't go to bed. Got to level seven, zombies,

killed loads, AK-47,

ran out of health in the graveyard.

Still got the second highest score though. See ya.

[Fiona] Hey, you don't have to go to school, you know?

Stay at home if you need some time to yourself.

I'll have plenty of time to myself soon enough.

[Fiona] If you talk like that, you're gonna wreck what time you have.

Yeah, sure.

Five days.

This just came. First hearing's next Monday.

[Liam imitates horn]

They'll keep me in, Fiona. You know they will.

[sighs] It's not been our month, has it?

We're gonna get you out of this mess.

Hey, when have I ever let you down?

Hey, Liam!

What are you doing with that fishing rod?

[Liam] I've got a fish. It's a big one.

[Marty] Fish.

Have you got a fishing license for this bedroom?

What's up?

You'd all be better off if I was back in prison instead of Lip.

Don't say that, Marty.

We're all doing our best to keep him out.

What's with all the junk?

Did it for you.

And Lip.

-For me? -[Marty] Hmm.

-Did what? -[Marty] All this.

We tried to nick the nurse's stuff back but it all went a bit tits up. Shit!

We? Who's we?

Me, Ian and Carl. Did our best, but--

You did what? You took Ian and Carl on a burglary,

and then you've got the nerve to say you did it for me?

-[Marty] Woah! -Are you mad?

[Marty] Listen, will you?

[Fiona] We would be better off if you were in prison. That's where you belong.

[Marty] Well, just give us a chance.

-[Fiona] This better be good. -[Marty pants]

We thought if we get her her own stuff back, she might drop the charges.

And?

It wasn't there. They must have stashed it somewhere else

so we just took what we could find. Anyway, it was Ian's idea.

Don't look at me, he were the one that took

the keys from Sheila's. The whole thing's his fault.

You did this, Carl? You bastard!

-[Carl] No, Lip! I didn't! -[Marty] No, don't! [screams]

[Ian] Leave it, man! What are you doing?

[shouts] Shut the fuck up, all of you!

How can you all do this?

I turn my back for ten minutes...

and the whole house goes fucking ape!

Don't you think we're in enough trouble?

Can't afford to mess up like this.

Do you understand?

Do you fuck!

Who do you think you're kidding?

[takes deep breath] This isn't about us.

It's about you and Steve.

It's about you feeling sorry for yourself.

You feel guilty because you weren't around.

At least Marty was doing something to help.

[sobs]

[sobbing continues]

[Lip] Shift it, Chogs.

[Chogs] Hey, never guess what's happened round our house.

We've been burgled. Someone's nicked me grandma.

Who in their right mind steals an urn?

How was I supposed to know what it was?

Had ribbons on it. Looked like a football trophy to me.

Big Stockport County fan.

Chogs said that she wanted her ashes scattered on the pitch

but health and safety wouldn't let her.

What, so they keep her on top of the telly instead?

Marty!

Well, how are we meant to trade her in

if half of her's lying on your bed with your porn?

-[Marty] Hold it. -[Fiona] For God's sake.

Lick my hole!

It'll be right. [spits]

[upbeat music playing]

[mobile phone ringing]

What kind? I'm not very good at accents.

Anything. Just so they don't recognise you.

I used to do a passable Shirley Bassey.

It's blackmail, Carol, not Stars In Their Eyes.

-Do an accent. -[ringing continues]

[Carol with accent] Hmm?

Zese are zey.

No, you listen.

If you want to see Grandma alive again, hmm,

you know what I mean? Be at ze Jockey at 6:00,

and bring all ze zings on ze list. Ask for...

Sven.

Sven's a bloke's name.

[Marty chuckles]

Oi! Anyone here called Sven?

[indistinct chatter]

[accent] That'll be me.

DVD player.

Yeah, yeah, and-- and a cuddly toy, yeah.

All accounted for.

Right, now, where's me grandma?

[Kevin] In the ladies. Second cubicle.

[indistinct chatter]

[Vince] Gran?

[boy speaking indistinctly]

Hey. Look, please.

Your stuff.

Now do you believe me?

[sighs] If you've got my gear, why should I not?

[Fiona] Lena, just hear us out.

Lip got the keys to your house from Sheila Jackson.

Fucking mad bitch.

I should have known better than to trust her.

Yeah. We are related.

Lip only came round to feed the fish.

W-- Who fixed the tap in the kitchen if it wasn't me?

Who put money in the telephone box every time I made a call?

Not all this stuff is mine.

No, there's some extra bits and pieces to compensate

for your inconvenience.

Okay.

-Bring them in. -Cheers.

I'm really sorry if I scared you.

-If? -[Lip] What about you, though?

I crapped myself when you pulled that knife.

Only came round to do a bit of homework, next thing I know,

some copper's beating the shit out of me.

You broke into someone's house to do your homework?

Other people's homework.

It's what I do to earn a bit of extra money.

I'm saving up to go abroad.

[scoffs] No wonder the police didn't believe you.

If I reinstall all this lot for you...

will you drop the charges?

Okay.

[Kev] So, what are you gonna do about Neary and the assault charge?

-Wanna know what I'd do now? -[can opening]

Oh, that's fucking great. "Thanks, Frank, please tell us your brilliant idea."

Well, stuff the lot of you.

[Kev] Go on then, what would you do?

Well, if he's that bent I'd just bribe the bastard.

Brown envelope full of cash, pay him off. Simple.

Brilliant, why didn't we think of that?

Oh, yeah, we did, then we realised

we hadn't got enough between us to buy a packet of fags.

[Debbie] I've got 450 quid.

[Frank] What?

-[Fiona] How much? -[Debbie] Four-fifty.

From the videos.

You can use that if you promise to pay me back.

You told me you hadn't got anything to lend me yesterday.

[Fiona] Brilliant, Debs.

Four hundred and fifty.

Is that enough to buy him off, Tony?

-Well, maybe, yeah, but it's risky, innit? -Oh, shut up about risky.

-What help have you been? -[Fiona] Think he'll go for it?

[Tony] Stan?

-Well, yeah. -Pigs! Dirty pigs!

[Stan] He might.

Well, thank you me, once again.

Frank Gallagher, crisis intervention specialist.

[indistinct chatter]

You got something for me?

What the fuck you doing?

Hey, hey, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.

Shut up. Keep still.

[yelps]

You're clean.

It's not Mission fucking Impossible.

This pint will self-destruct in five seconds.

[mouths] All right.

I'm here to give you a bung. How much to get him off?

Don't know what you're talking about.

I understood you were interested in renting my caravan

in Southport for a couple of weeks.

You what? Caravan? I fucking hate caravans.

Oh, this is a right cock up, who are you meant to be meeting?

You.

You should have got some holiday money for me.

[chuckles] Oh...

right. The caravan.

All right, so...

how much for a fortnight in the caravan?

A grand.

Fuck me! Ah, fuck, I need a pint.

-He wants a grand. -[Fiona] Tell him no way.

Start at two-fifty then go up in twenties if you have to.

Four-fifty is the absolute limit.

All right, leave it to me. I can read him like a book.

Two-ten, our final offer.

Up yours, sunshine.

[Fiona] Wait.

I've heard your final offer.

Caravans are rather more sophisticated these days

than... Clampetts like you lot could appreciate.

This is all we've got. Take it.

Just don't let him go to prison.

It's way short.

But there is a way that you can make up the difference.

Oh, yeah?

[Neary] We could come to some sort of arrangement,

back of the van, now, for a quickie,

and then you can save me a couple on account.

Little birdy tells me that you like fucking coppers and car thieves.

Piss off.

No deal.

And this just about covers you wasting my time.

[Tony] Are you okay?

Hey. I did warn you, didn't I? He's a twat.

Listen... how far are you prepared to go to sort him out, eh?

All the way. Anything.

If you really mean that, I reckon we could nail him.

[Lip] Here.

[Ian] You don't have to do this now, you know.

Saves all the scrapping later.

Just don't go.

We'll hide you in the roof. It worked for Anne Frank.

-They caught Anne Frank. -Yeah, but not for ages.

Big prize for the first one to guess

what I'm gonna do with this?

Lip?

[phones ringing]

Phillip Gallagher, Sarge.

Decided to make a full statement.

Confession?

[Stan] Let's get you in the interview room. Come on.

[desk sergeant] Sergeant Neary, PC Howe, interview room two, immediately.

[Neary] Oh, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

[Tony] He just wanted to talk to us.

Amazing what a bit of community liaison can do.

[Neary] He's mine. Come on.

[woman] Get your hands off my tits!

Are you gonna tell me something new or not?

We'll see.

[Tony] Sarge, sorry to barge in, but I think we might have a problem.

[indistinct chatter]

Why don't you kiss my big hairy swingers?

Here.

[groans]

-[sarge] Jesus. Stop it. -[Lip groans]

No. Come on.

[groans]

[Neary] Come on. This wasn't me.

It's all a fucking stitch up, Sarge.

[sergeant] Shut up, Neary.

Mr Gallagher, do you wish to file a formal complaint?

[Lip] Well, that depends.

[sergeant] On?

Whether he's saying I twatted him or not.

Oh, come on. You're being blackmailed here, Sarge.

No, you are, and pretty successfully I'd say.

So it's make your mind up time.

Are you pressing charges or not?

Fine. [sighs]

Fine.

And you two better watch your fucking backs as well.

[Kev, through PA] Right, come on, you tight baskets,

get your hands in your pockets. Fifteen quid, right,

going for the last time now,

for a beautiful pair of ladies' ski boots.

-Top of the range. -[indistinct chatter]

Going to the lovely lady in the corner.

They're going once,

they're going twice, 'ey, they've gone.

-[people cheering] -She's a winner.

-[crowd cheering, applauding] -[indistinct chatter]

[Kev] And by the way, let's not forget why we're here,

what it's all in aid of.

Chatsworth Estate's answer to Ronald Biggs...

-[woman laughing] -...the one, the only,

ladies and gentlemen, at the bar over there.

-Mr Lip Gallagher. -[crowd cheering, applauding]

[Kev] Don't forget this auction's being held

to raise money to send Lip to America, so dig deep.

-[groans] -Hey, is this for me then?

[chuckles] No, I'm off out. Catch you later.

[Jez] Right everyone, there's one more item

to auction and then we're gonna kick off the karaoke.

Can I have a couple of volunteers to get us started?

-Come on then, Anne, love. -Gonna have a crack then?

-Give us your George Formby? -No, I can only do Gene Pitney.

No one knows who he is anymore, so you go.

-[Stan] Nice. -[Kev] Okay.

Now, my glamorous assistant,

-isn't she gorgeous? -[man whistling]

[Kev] She gonna hold up lot 41,

another brand-new, mint condition

fishing rod and reel. -[woman cheering]

Who's gonna give us-- who's gonna start

-the bidding at 20 quid? -Twenty over here, 20.

[Frank] Fuck's sake, Sheila, you've already got one.

[laughs] I know, but one each, one each for later,

when they're older, stop the arguments.

[takes deep breaths] She's not daft. [laughs]

Come on, who's gonna give us 25?

Twenty-five over here. [screams frantically]

Sweet Jesus, give me strength.

[Lena] Lip, what are you doing here?

[Lip] Nothing illegal.

I told you, it's my night off.

I said you could come and work here tomorrow.

I didn't come to do homework.

I bought you a present to say thanks and that.

Oh, you didn't have to.

[bottle popping]

I take it you didn't nick it.

[both chuckle]

Receipt's in the box.

In case you weren't so keen on it.

I thought you could do with the extra security.

[Lena] I know how to look after myself, normally.

Maybe so.

But you need eyes in the back of your head round here.

My boyfriend used to work opposite shifts to me.

So the house was always occupied.

What, so you only get to see each other at tea times?

-How does that work? -It doesn't.

[chuckles]

[Lip] Listen...

say if I'm out of order, but...

I'm pretty good in the sack.

[chuckles]

And why would I wanna know that?

Better out than in.

-How old are you? -Thirty-six.

[both laugh]

I'm off to run a bath.

Like I said, Lena...

give us a shout if you need a hand with your back scrubbing.

-The bath's for you. -[Lip chuckles]

Right, can I have a bit of hush now, please, everyone?

Don't worry, Anne, it'll be your turn soon.

Now then, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage,

with the voice of an angel, and body of a baby hippo,

it's PC Stan Waterman with his rendition of a classic!

[all cheering and applauding]

["Suspicious Minds" by Elvis Presley starts]

♪ We're caught in a trap ♪

[crowd cheering and applauding]

Thank you.

♪ I can't walk out ♪

[cheering and applauding continues]

♪ Because I love you too much baby ♪

[woman cheering]

-♪ Why can't you see ♪ -That's him!

-It-- It's fucking Elvis! -[both laugh]

-♪ What you're doing to me ♪ -[laughs] Fucking Elvis!

[woman] Rock star!

[Stan] ♪ When you don't believe a word I say? ♪

-[crowd cheering] -[Stan] Come on everybody!

-[cheering continues] -[indistinct chatter]

[Stan] ♪ We can't go on together with suspicious minds ♪

[man whistling]

♪ And we can't build our dreams on suspicious minds ♪

♪ There we go again ♪

[all chanting] Get your knob out!

-Get your knob out! -Get your knob out!

[Fiona] Deb, what is it? What?

[all chanting] Get your knob out for the girls!

What?

-[groans] -[Mandy] Congratulations.

-You're gonna be a daddy. -[sighs]

[music playing]

You're gonna be a dad, and everyone's gonna think it's mine!

But she's a fucking Maguire!

Our one and only daughter,

and you've turned her into a woman.

♪ ...for dancing ♪

You want me to suck your tits?

Maguire takes it on the chest, beats one man. [grunts]

-What a goal! -Welcome to the family. [laughs]

Honest, Mimi, I love her.

You'd better, Ian.

Your bollocks come off.

-Come on, let's get pissed. -[indistinct chatter]

[Molly and Stan moaning]

[Stan screaming] Elvis has left the building!

[both pant]

["Suspicious Minds" by Elvis Presley playing]

Debbie!

[Molly sighs]