Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of them reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

-[Carl] Run, run for it! -[Lip] Quick! Leg it.

[Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.

-Two, nits love him. -No!

[Frank] Debbie, sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus, Liam, gonna be a star,

once we've got the fits under control.

[screams]

Steve, Fiona's boyfriend, the truth is out there. Not.

Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica, lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But, all of them, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life

is they know how to throw a party. [laughs] Scatter!

[party horn blowing]

People say that children are the future.

Teach them well and let them lead the way,

but after you've had eight of your own you realise that's a load of bollocks.

Darwin had the right idea.

Just leave the little buggers to fend for themselves.

Hey, lovebirds, happy anniversary. Yay!

[music playing]

[laughs]

-Rico. -You're too good to me.

-Here you are. -Thank you very much, my precious.

[indistinct chatter]

-No way. -[chuckles] Oh!

-Check that out. -What's with the tank?

Well, I needed something hefty...

-Nice. -...to cart all this.

[Lip] Oh, yes. Good man, Steve.

[music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[phone ringing]

Phone's ringing!

[indistinct chatter]

Ball residence.

Who? Can't hear you, love, you'll have to speak up a bit.

Well, you'll have to shout,

‘cause I can't hear a fucking word you...

Kelvin?

Oh, Kev!

[both moaning]

Happy anniversary.

[knocking]

There's people waiting out here.

Hang on a minute.

[toilet flushing]

All yours, Carol.

Rico.

Shit.

You're so savage.

[Fiona laughing]

Jesus, Kev,

-how much did you put in here? -There's no point

-baking it unless it's loaded. -[laughing]

[party horn blowing]

[Fiona chuckles]

Hey, let the merriment commence.

-Where have you appeared from? -Thought you'd gone ages back.

Oh, I went look-- I went looking for him.

Upstairs, downstairs, in my lady's chamber,

nowhere to be seen. Put me head down for five minutes,

woke up, fucking birds are twittering.

You welded to that or what?

But you know what that is, don't you?

Exhaustion.

Two screaming kids. Up, down, up, down, all night,

-never get a wink. -What d'you want me for anyway?

-Fuck knows. -Somebody phoned.

Oh, yeah, right.

[music playing quietly]

Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[all laugh]

Yeah. Uh...

-it was a woman. -Oh!

-She's a bit posh. -[laughing]

She said she wanted to talk to you.

Said it was important.

-Dad! -Frank!

Well, I'm not a fucking secretary.

I went looking for you. You'd vanished.

Well, what did she want?

[in a posh voice] Can you remember her name?

[laughing]

Well, um, the truth is I don't, uh...

Mm-- Ma--

-Marissa. -Marissa Platting!

Social worker. Jesus Christ, you could have mentioned it, Frank.

Think now, Frank, what did she say?

What were her exact words?

Uh, she said something about, um...

It's, um...

About coming around in the morning.

She said something about...

having a kiddie.

[both] Jesus Christ.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Why did you never mention it?

-There's nothing to mention. -You're fostering a kid.

I know, but, uh, to be honest, we never really thought it would happen.

What about the tests?

Suitability assessments.

They don't just give you a child, Veronica.

[vacuum cleaner stops]

The thing is, we...

Kev didn't want anybody knowing.

Why not?

He thinks it's his fault.

See, it...

It's not that we can't have our own, it's just...

-[Kev] We'll have our own one day. -...we haven't.

The fish aren't swimming.

Oh. Oh.

-[door closes] -[tyres screech]

Toast.

My own daughter throwing me out.

As if it isn't bad enough I lose my home, and now this.

What have I done to deserve it?

Just tell me, and I'll put it right.

Mum, it's against the rules. You haven't been vetted.

I'm that child's grandmother.

-As good as. -Yeah, well, you can't stay.

Seedless. Blanks. Shooting blanks.

Marty, I swear to God, one more time and you are getting a twatting.

And he definitely can't stay.

Fucking arsonist.

-We've nowhere to go, Veronica. -Yeah, well, ring our Barry.

-You're joking. After last time. -[doorbell buzzing]

-Jesus, get them out of here. -I expect you'll be happy

when I'm on the streets,

pushing all my possessions round in a shopping trolley.

Jaffa.

Veronica, isn't it?

It's nice to meet you again. And, uh, you must be--

-Uh, don't tell me. -Kev.

Kev. Good.

-Excellent. A-1. Uh... -How are you?

Shall we?

-Carl. -[music playing]

-Get out your stinking pit. -[Carl] All right. Coming.

-[Ian] Shit. -[Lip] Oi, oi.

Carol, what the bleedin' hell are you--

We're homeless.

[Carol] Put that kettle on.

Emergency placement. Eric Tatchell. Ten years old.

Lovely lad.

He was born in Ardwick.

Not the posh bit, but nice enough,

so he won't be stealing your purse to buy crack cocaine.

[laughs]

His parents played the stock market, got into debt... big debt.

Day before repossession of the house,

they do a bunk to Málaga, in Spain.

Only one problem, they neglected to tell Eric.

Jesus. What, they went without him?

Ooh, I've seen it all in my game. You'd be shocked.

And do you know what?

It's always the snooty ones that are the worst.

Give me people like you any day of the week.

Right.

Purpose of the trial placement is to give you a chance to see

how fostering suits you and me a chance

to find more permanent care for Eric.

Everyone's a winner.

Try and think of it as a dress rehearsal.

Top marks here and we'll find you something longer term.

And how long will it be before we get him, Marissa?

Oh, did I not mention?

He's waiting in the car.

Eric, I'd like to introduce you

to your new temporary foster parents.

Veronica and Kelvin Ball.

You can call me Kev.

Ah.

-[clears throat] -Come on then.

Treat the place like your own. Whatever you want, it's yours.

If you're hungry, eat. If you're thirsty, drink.

But keep your hands off my lagers.

We want you to feel at home, so if there's anything

you want to know, don't be afraid to ask.

-Who are they? -[Veronica] Ah, the neighbours.

[toilet flushing]

-You all right, Carol? -Oh, don't mind me. Being nosy.

You've got it proper nice up here, Fiona.

We like it.

Big house though, just for the two of you.

Lip. Ian.

Carl. That's Steve.

And that's the lovely, young Debbie.

[Marty] Tosspot!

-That's me brother, Marty. -[Carol] Oh, yeah,

lick of paint, couple of rugs,

you could get it proper nice up...

And that's me mum, Carol.

And that's me best friend in the world, Fiona.

Oh, he's like a little street urchin.

So, um, why don't you go and play a game or something?

-Show Eric your table football. -No chance.

I'll show you upstairs. I've got the biggest room in the house.

They can't stay here, Veronica.

Oh, please, Fiona.

It won't be for long, just while we've got Eric.

The idea was to give us more space, not less.

What about Marty?

He only burns things when he gets angry.

Look, just keep him away from me mum's fellas.

[Carol] Don't be such a pervert!

[indistinct chatter]

Okay. But only till they get themselves sorted.

Thank you, thank you.

-[air pumping] -[Veronica] Eric?

Debbie?

Acute appendicitis.

We are gonna have to operate.

Come on, Eric. I think it's time to go home.

[dog barking]

[sighs] It's great, innit?

Having our own little kiddie in the house?

He's a right miserable little twat.

Kev! We have to make a go of this.

If we're serious about doing it full-time.

You heard what the social worker said.

Screw this up, and we'll not get another.

[sighs]

Right.

-How tired are you? -We can't.

What if he hears?

Do it with the volume down.

Hmm-- No. Hey.

[sighs]

Just wank us off, then.

Eric?

[sighs]

Eric?

Er-- [sighs] There you are.

Uniform. Good boy.

Breakfast.

Right. Juice?

Eric?

Eric? Oh!

Kev!

Please don't do this to me now.

Don't pump it! You'll flood the fucking engine!

Well, if you'd fork out for a decent car

-this wouldn't be a problem. -He's turning green.

You worked in a fucking hospital!

As a fucking cleaner!

What's going on?

-[Debbie] You've killed him! -[indistinct shouting]

What's happened to him?

I found him slumped on the dining-room table,

-white as a sheet. -Call an ambulance.

Oh, yeah, like we did with me Uncle Pete.

He'll be dead by the time it gets here.

Well, you'll never get him there in this.

-Steve's car. -[Kev] Oh, my God.

[Fiona] Steve!

[Kev] Fiona, get the keys!

-[Steve] Look, how did you find him? -He was just lying there.

[Steve] Yeah, lying there like what, V?

Like he'd collapsed or like he'd taken something?

He's not topped himself, Steve.

Well, some kids do, you know, especially in care.

-Steve! -What?

Maybe he's allergic like I am with eggs.

Did he tell you he couldn't take anything?

No, he-- They just-- Oh, he's just a kid.

-How can anyone give us a kid? -All right, all right.

-[police siren wailing] -Shit.

-Is that for us? -It's all right.

J-- Just tell him we're rushing him to hospital.

They'll probably give us an escort.

[Steve] Who's been fingerprinted?

[brakes squealing]

Has anyone here been fingerprinted?

What you on about?

-Oh, Jesus. Jeez. Oh, Eric. -Oh.

[Kev] Eric, mate, are you all right, mate?

Be sick again if you need to.

Come on, get it all up, darling, eh?

What's he got in here?

Oh, it's hash cake. From the party.

[laughs]

He's been at the hash cake.

-He's gonna live! -Hold on tight.

-[Fiona] Steve! -[Veronica] It's only a bit

-of hash cake, Steve. -[Steve] This isn't my car.

[indistinct chatter]

[siren wailing]

-[Fiona] Steve! -[Steve] Oh, that's fine.

[Fiona] Oh, my god!

[Ian] Hey, Kev, can you believe that?

Nicked car.

-Are you feeling any better? -[Debbie] What are we doing here?

-[indistinct chatter] -[car door closes]

[Kev] Fucking car thief.

You've gone up in my estimation.

So, uh, were they all nicked?

Wondered where all the flash came from.

Listen, kept it a secret for a good reason,

'cause less people know, less chance there is of getting caught.

Don't go spreading it 'round, right?

Can't wait to tell Lip. [chuckles]

-You nearly killed us all. -Look, Fiona...

-There was no other way. -Feeling any better?

-Dicky tummy. -[TV playing]

Yeah, probably something he's eaten.

Yeah, we're getting plenty of fluids down him,

so should be right as rain in an hour or two.

No, no, no. Everything's fine, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we'll bring him in this afternoon.

Bye.

[TV playing quietly]

Do you fancy a piece of cake?

-[chuckles] -[sighs]

[Kev] Hmm.

We can do this, Kev.

We can be good parents.

From now on,

we've just got to try really hard not to kill him.

-[chuckles] -[sighs]

[quirky music playing]

[inaudible]

[both sigh]

This is hard work, V.

We're doing fine.

Hmm.

Who's this?

Well, he could crack a smile.

His mum and dad do a bunk to Spain.

Social Services lumber him with two complete strangers

in an area he hardly knows.

I don't think I'd be doing cartwheels.

We've got to work at it.

This is how it'll be when we have our own.

But that will be ours.

I'll know what to say to ours.

Well, I've-- I've got to go to work.

-You'll be all right? -Yeah.

-All right. -I'll be fine.

[sighs]

[suspenseful music playing over TV]

-Killer! He's the killer! -[others groaning]

[screaming over TV]

Can Debbie come out to play?

[screaming over TV]

I just don't know how you've managed five of them.

-Practically on your own. -Can't magic a bond, Veronica.

It takes time.

I know.

And I really want to make it work, but...

I haven't got a clue what I'm doing.

No one has. Just got to find your own way through.

Cheers, mate.

Here's to kids.

-Little shitbags. -[chuckles]

[Frank] See, that's the trouble with that game. Fostering, adoption. It's like...

having other people's shoes, innit?

I mean, it's all right if they're a couple of days old

but you don't want them after they've been worn in.

It's like you want to, you know...

put your mark on them.

Little bit of yourself going into the next generation.

Mind you, they only end up hating us once they're fucking born.

[baby babbling]

[hums]

Hiya! There's my two favourite boys.

[Eric] Get lost! Why don't you just bog off?

What's the matter with him?

Lost his sketch pad.

Well, did he tell the teacher? Maybe someone took it.

Well, did you ask him?

Veronica, this fostering...

not sure if we've made a mistake.

Maybe we should call Marissa Platting and tell her we're not up to it.

Is this because we haven't had sex all week?

-No, it's-- No-- -It is, isn't it?

Kev! Brilliant.

Typical bloke. Always thinking with that!

If we can't do a good job with him,

what chance do you think we stand of getting another one?

I don't know if I want another one.

Well, this was your idea.

No, it wasn't. It was yours.

I just went along with it for you,

because I want us to have a kid,

and I can't give you one any other way.

[sighs]

I'm sorry about calling around at this time of night.

I wouldn't have bothered you if it wasn't important.

I, uh, I need a word with Steve.

Green Cherokee. Easton Street car park, last Friday.

It was you, wasn't it?

[scoffs] You've been caught on CCTV, Steve.

Don't worry, they can't tell it's you. But it needs to go back, like now.

-Whose is it? -Chief Inspector's.

Well, his missus.

Pride and joy apparently.

He said he wants the bastard's head on a stick.

Shit, Steve.

Yeah, he's pulling out all the stops.

Overtime, the works.

Anyone would think we were after a serial killer.

You have still got it?

Yeah, it's safe.

Shit.

[Veronica] Eric, come on, it's time for school.

-Eric. -[Eric] I'm not going.

School. Everyone has to go to school.

-[Eric] Get lost. -[sighs]

Come on, Eric. You just--

-Whoa. -Leave me alone!

What's the story?

Eric, mate, you haven't gone and pissed the bed, have you?

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Why can't everyone just leave me alone?

[clattering]

-[yelps] -And you are?

Eric? Eric!

Now, listen. It's a green Grand Cherokee.

All right? Now, if anything comes up,

-you've got to give me a call. -Steve, Steve, Steve.

-What? -You seen young Eric?

Excuse me. No, no.

Promise me. Grand Cherokee, green. Got that?

Fuck you doing in here?

The only place I can get some peace.

You haven't seen the kid, have you?

No, Kev, no, no, I haven't seen him anywhere.

-Come on, mate, school. -No.

Look, if he doesn't want to go, Kev--

He's got to go to school, Frank.

-It's the law. Come on. -[Frank] What law?

Law of the fucking jungle. Come on. Do you remember school?

That bloke had it right, you know, Lord of the Flies.

They're fucking cannibals.

Come on, mate.

[indistinct chatter]

[Frank] What's he doing now?

Now he's walking about.

-Breaks your heart, doesn't it? -What?

Who'd be that age again, eh?

[Frank] Ah, best years of your life.

Oi, you can tear that look off your mush, you sour face, bitch.

We're fucking parents, not perverts.

-Frank! -What?

-You trying to get us reported? -Well...

Where is he?

Bottom left-hand side.

-Left-hand-- What, he vanished. -[girl] He's such a freak.

Where the fuck did he...

-[indistinct chatter] -Oh.

-Oh, fuck, no. Fuck. -[Kev] What?

Where is he?

There.

-[girl] Four eyes! Four eyes! -[girl 2] Go on.

-Oh, Jesus Christ. -[Frank] I know. Fucking girls.

Are you just gonna fucking sit there or do something?

Like what?

That is your son. You're his protector.

"Cometh the hour, cometh the man."

[girl] Four eyes.

-[car engine starts] -What you doing?

-We're going in. -What? No, no, no.

Hang on. I didn't mean...

[children screaming]

[Kev] Get out the way!

Get in!

Dentist appointment. Running late.

[whistle blows]

Drop us at the Jockey on the way home.

Just snatch a kid and expect to get away with it,

-you daft sod! -You didn't see it.

They were turning him over. Poor little shit.

-[Lip] He's a fucking pansy. -He is not a pansy.

Girls are scary at that age.

And if you don't stop it now he'll spend his whole life

-being bullied. -Ian's right.

He can't go through his life being bossed about by women.

-Why not? You do. -[chuckles]

-He needs toughening up a bit. -[chuckles]

Admit it. You've fostered a pansy.

-Lip! -[groans]

[Veronica] What's up, you fucking pansy?

[Lip groaning]

[exhales] Hey.

No joy?

It's only a matter of time. It'll be okay.

-What if it all turns bad, Steve? -It won't.

You nicked a copper's car.

If they catch you, they'll screw you.

-They won't. -How do you know?

You're not charmed, Steve.

You walk around like you're immune to bad luck.

But things go wrong. People get caught.

That's what happens. That's life.

Hey, hey. Look.

I don't want to lose you.

Hey, look. Everything's solvable.

I'll find a replacement, trust me.

All right?

Male child, ten years old. Restraint of parents vital.

Jesus!

[officer] Upstairs! Go on. Upstairs.

[Kev] What's going on? Fuck's going on?

Hey! Get your hands off me!

-Move it! -[indistinct shouting]

-[Eric] Who are you? -[Kev] Fuck are you doing here?

-[Eric] What are you doing? -What is-- What is going--

[Veronica] Hey, what are they doing?

[Kev] Hey, where you going with him?

Marissa, where are you going with him?

[Eric] Get off me! You're hurting me!

-[Kev] Get off! -[Veronica] Kev!

-Marissa! Marissa! -[Veronica] Kev, leave it.

-Kev, just-- -[Eric] Get off!

-Marissa! -Kev! Kev, leave it! Okay?

What's going on? Where are they taking him?

Keep out of this, you, and get back indoors.

-What's going on? -They're taking Eric.

-[Eric screaming] -[indistinct chatter]

-[car engine starts] -[siren wailing]

It's all my fault.

You haven't done anything wrong.

School must have told them that I did The Italian Job across the playground.

Either that or they just decided they made a big fucking mistake

giving us a kid in the first place.

Just wish we could have another chance...

just one more chance.

-[vehicle approaching] -[brakes squealing]

It's them again!

They've brought him back!

Three times in the last six months this has happened.

We were supposed to be in Brighall Street.

Oh, look.

Somehow, your details got put in by mistake.

We will be writing to you about compensation,

but I hope you'll appreciate it was a genuine mistake.

[Veronica sighs]

Welcome home, mate.

You were scary back there, man.

I thought you were gonna take that copper's head off.

You want to use that, you know, in the playground.

Same thing happened to me when I was your age.

Tough kids picking on me. Giving it all that.

It's hard to believe now, but...

I wasn't the best-looking kid in the world.

No.

Greasy hair, spots.

They used to call me dot-to-dot.

Made my life a misery.

Then one day, I cracked.

I decided to do something about it.

So I got me old fella to teach me how to box.

Proper lessons.

So then I knew...

whatever happened...

I'd always be able to stand up for meself.

I know your old fella's flown south.

But, if you're interested...

I can always teach you.

You know?

[clanging]

Let's get ready to rumble!

Right, remember what I said. Jab left, right, left, right.

Go. One, two. One, two.

Get your head up. Get your head up.

Bang, bang, bang.

One.

Two.

Three. Right, keep them up.

Stop huffing and puffing. Keep your head up.

Focus, concentrate. Keep your balance. Left, right.

Hey, I told you about that.

They're rabbit punches. Don't be doing that.

Come on, dig in. Four.

Five. That's it. Six.

See? You're wearing yourself out.

Get your arms up. Boom.

Bam, bam, bam. Give me a big right.

Oh, that's it, good lad.

-Tosspot! -Tosspot!

-Spunk face. -Spunk face!

-Bucket biff. -Bucket biff!

That last one's only for girls, right?

-Come on, Eric! -Knock him out.

-[Lip] Come on, Eric. -[indistinct chatter]

[all cheering]

[birds twittering]

[cheering]

-[all] Nine, eight, seven, six, -[Marty] One, two, three, four,

-five, four, three... -...five, six, seven...

-...two, one! -...eight, nine, ten!

[all cheering] Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric!

-That's my boy! -[all laugh]

[man over TV] Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, he's taking on so much punishment.

Can we go to a real boxing match one day, Kev, in a proper stadium?

Of course we can. Yeah, next one in town.

-Really? -On me life.

[man on TV] There they go.

And Arthur's straight into him again.

He's really sensing victory here.

Can't go promising things you can't deliver.

-I'll take him to a fight. -When?

We're not keeping him, Kev.

Tomorrow, they're gonna take him to the next lot,

who'll promise him a load of stuff they can't deliver.

It's not fair.

Thing is, I--

[Eric] Kev, he's beating the hell out of him!

Thing is, I've started to enjoy having him here.

I'm starting to get the, you know...

the whole father-son thing.

Can't stop. Passing through.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

Got a date with Rico.

Marty won't let me out of his sight.

[Veronica] Rico?

-The Italian. -[doorbell buzzes]

-I love a continental. -[Eric] I'll get it!

[Italian accent] Hello, mate. Is beautiful Carol at home?

-Rico! -[Rico] My darling!

If Marty asks, I've been here all night, alone.

-Ah! -[Carol] Come on, my darling.

-Where's the car parked? -[Rico] Oh!

Isn't it time you were going home?

Um, we just found a way to keep in touch after he leaves.

See you, kid.

[sighs] Don't forget to pack your suitcase, Eric.

The social worker's coming in the morning.

I want to stay here.

That's not an option, sweetheart.

Hey, the next place you go to will be nice.

They might have Sky Sports,

so you can watch as much boxing as you want.

No point without Kev.

Fucking shit!

[TV playing]

I'm heading up.

Yeah, I'm coming, too. [clears throat]

You all right, Marty?

I'm waiting up for her.

Your mum's a big girl now, Marty.

-She can look after herself. -Whore! Slag! Slaggy whore!

-[laughs] -It's not funny, Steve.

He's freaking me out.

Keep dreaming about the house being on fire.

Look, he's just having a few problems

adjusting to the fact that his mum has got a sex life.

-All right? -With men half her age.

Fucking slag!

-[car tyres screeching] -Kill!

-[Rico] Here we go. -[Carol chuckling]

[indistinct chatter]

Burn!

-Come to me! -Oh! Oh, Rico! [laughs]

-[Rico] You're so fine. -No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, let's go around the corner.

-[grunts] -[Carol] Marty might see us.

-[car starts] -[chuckles] Just 'round here.

-[Rico] Ooh! -[Carol laughing]

Marty? [gasps]

Slut!

-Talk dirty in Italian. -[grunts]

[Rico speaking Italian indistinctly]

Mom is a slag! Bastard, burn!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-[in English accent] Hey! -Marty!

-Jesus fucking Christ! -What the heck's going on?

-Marty! -He's a fucking madman!

What's happened to your accent?

She's my mother! You don't touch my mother, ever!

Hey! Marty!

What the fuck are you doing?

Come on, mate. Don't do anything stupid, mate.

-She's my mother! -I'm entitled to a sex life.

Steve, no!

Look, Marty, just give me the lighter, yeah?

Stay back!

Look, she's your mother, yeah, and-- And you love her,

so you want to protect her. That's-- That's fine.

Everybody understands that.

Do you know what? She loves you, yeah?

More than anything else in the whole wide world.

More than she loves that bloke.

He's right, Marty. I mean, he's nothing but a fake.

Just-- Just give me the lighter, mate,

and then nobody comes to any harm.

Yeah?

[indistinct chatter]

[sighs]

-Oh, come here. -[indistinct chatter]

[Carol sobbing]

Come on.

-What's happening? -Come on.

-[Kev] Not now, Frank. -[Fiona] For God's sake.

Fuck is going on?

[coughs]

[Frank sighs]

-Oh, whoa! Whoa! -[Kev] Fuck. What now?

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No! -Frankie. Frank.

It's gonna blow. It's gonna blow.

-[Rico] No! No! -[Veronica screaming]

[groans]

Stupid asshole! Get him out!

Bang him up. That's where he belongs.

[doorbell buzzing]

[officer] Mrs Ball? I'm PC Wicker.

This is Mary Rain and her daughter, Evelyn.

-Yeah? -Are you currently the guardian

for Eric Brandon Tatchell?

Yeah, why? What's the matter?

Have you seen what that little shit's done to me daughter?

[Kev chuckles] Good lad!

Wait till I get a hold of that little shit.

Eric.

Eric, mate.

Thought he was a bit quiet.

-Debbie. -I don't know anything about it.

What's he doing with this?

He said he wanted to practice drawing girls' faces, so I let him keep it.

Debbie, this is serious. That girl, Evelyn. He's really hurt her.

He's battered seven shades of shit out of her.

I've got nothing to do with it.

What's this then, Debs?

Evelyn, Keeley, Belinda.

Christ.

He's gonna do all three of them.

He was only meant to scare them.

[sighs]

[engine revving]

[tyres screeching]

My mum says if you want money you've got to come back Friday.

-You Keeley Pilkington? -What's it to you?

-[Kev] You all right? -Mm, yeah.

[mouthing]

[engine revving]

[tyres screeching]

Oh, all right, mate. Is-- Is Belinda in?

Depends who's asking.

Yeah, that's him.

-Hey, you dirty bastard! -Hey, no, man, no!

-Got the wrong end-- -[man] Snatching kids from playgrounds!

Shit!

[horn honks]

Fuck's sake. You've got a problem.

Yeah, I take it Eric's been 'round, eh?

Has he fuck, they think I'm a nonce.

I'll break your fucking arse, man!

[indistinct chatter]

All right. Right.

All we need to do is...

sign the hand-over papers, and that's you finished.

Where is the little fella, anyway?

Uh, the thing is, Marissa...

There's something we need to tell you about Eric.

[Eric] He doesn't want to leave.

I like it here. Want to stay.

Oh, well, never mind. Run along and pack your bags.

You've got to be cruel to be kind.

Excuse me.

[Eric] I'm not a wimp anymore, Kev.

I know.

-I wouldn't mess with you. -I did it for you,

so you'd be proud of me.

How come you only did Evelyn?

She's the leader. She tells everyone what to do.

Didn't need to do the others after that.

Come on, you two. Time to go.

[Kev sighs]

Here you are.

-Thanks, Kev. -All right.

Come on.

So, where you gonna say you found it?

Doesn't matter anyway. Main thing is to call the dogs off.

[chuckles]

-Twenty-two grand, these go for. -Mm.

So, even when everyone's had a cut, you must be clearing, what?

[whistles] Fourteen, fifteen.

Tell us, am I ballpark?

-What do you want, Tony? -A partnership.

Well, position I'm in, I can help someone like you big time.

I'm talking information.

You still nick the cars, you still cut the deals.

But I make your life a hell of a lot easier.

[radio chatter]

Man on the inside, yeah?

Okay.

-We'll see you, mate. -[Eric] See you, Kelvin Ball.

Hey, you lot. Come and say goodbye to Eric.

Come on, shift.

Door's open.

Excellent. Big success.

-You've done yourselves proud. -Nice to meet you.

-See you 'round. -[indistinct chatter]

So, um, how do you fancy a nice little Chinese girl, hmm?

See you, champ.

Winnie Chung.

Long history of emotional abuse,

but she's a cracking little cook.

Tell you what.

-We'll let you know. -Okie-dokie.

Bye.

What you on about?

You'll make a good dad one day, Kelvin Ball.

[both chuckle]

But I've missed you.

I've missed us.

Want it to be me and you again.

But I thought...

-Hang on, you-- You-- No-- -Yeah. I'm not saying never.

Just not yet. [sighs]

'Cause once we've got all that, we won't have all this.

And if it ain't broke...

[engine starts]

[Frank] Now, don't get me wrong.

Whether you have your own or ship one in ready-made,

kids are handy.

You know, nipping down the shops,

brewing up, that kind of thing.

Right, come on, everybody!

Hey, you can come and help me peel the potatoes.

-Who's chopping the onions? -He is!

[Frank] But take a word from the wise, expect disappointment.

That way, no matter what happens,

you're always pleasantly surprised.

[both chuckle]

[Fiona] Have you noticed anything unusual?

Everywhere you turn,

it's like people have started gardening.

There's a year's free rent for the house with the best-kept exterior.

I like it.

I still don't understand why the twins can't go with you.

Frank, she's in a hospice.

It's a raid!

Temporary cessation of license, pending appeal.

Closing us down?

"See you tomorrow. Can't wait." Four fucking kisses?

He's met someone else. Who the fuck is Kerry Anne?

First, he's wearing me knickers to work, and now it's this!

-Where have you been? -Stoke.

-I thought I told you. -Hey, where's the twins?

Now, don't worry, 'cause Sally's looking after them,

-and she loves kiddies. -That's a fuckin' bloke.

Spunk face. Bucket of spunk.

Everything all right, Eric?

Piss-flaps.