Original subtitles

[music playing]

Monica.

[Sheila] Who's Monica?

Mum.

Mum?

She looked absolutely beautiful. I miss her.

-Marry me. -You know I've got a boyfriend.

Two grand's worth of debt and still mounting up!

Where is he?

[Fiona] We have got bailiffs 'cause of you.

[bailiff 1] Do you know what your new name is, Frank?

-Dead Man Walking. -[grunts]

Mr Wilson, Housing Officer.

Don't think you'll get away with that one

'cause I'll haunt you for every last penny, madam.

-[Wilson grunts] -[Veronica screams]

[Fiona] He's about as much help to us as you've been.

We'd have been better off without both of you.

Over to you, Mum!

Your house. Drive.

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden,

you know, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

You know, they can all think for themselves,

-which they've me to thank for. -[boy] Run for it!

Fiona, who's a big help, massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

-[barks] -Carl, daren't let him grow his hair.

One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love him.

Debbie, total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam! Little rock 'n' roller! Gonna be a star.

-Once we've got the fits under control. -[screams]

Steve, posh lad, different planet. The truth is out there... not.

Kev and Veronica. Fantastic neighbours.

You know, lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life is, they know how to throw a party!

-[siren wailing] -Scatter!

[Carl imitating a rooster]

[Frank] I've dreamt about lesbians for as long as I can remember,

but I bet I'm the only bloke who, when his best wish gets granted,

has to cope with the fact that the only lezzer

he'll ever get his hands on is his ex-wife.

[barking]

Not only is she not in the sack with Olivia Newton-John,

she's picked an oppo

who's bigger than I am, stronger than I am and earns more than I ever could.

[Carl] Mum, come and make my breakfast.

[door closes]

-Jesus. Oh, my God! -You all right, Norm?

No, summat just moved.

-God, it is. It's a bloody rat! -[rat squeals]

Ugh, don't be daft. It'll be the wind.

-[grunts] -[rat squeals]

So, what's this? A fart in a fur?

[Debbie] Mum, we're gonna be late for school!

You cannot tread backwards, Monica.

You don't belong here.

[Frank] The day I married Monica was the happiest day of my life.

The day she left me looking after six kids,

I thought, "Right, fuck her."

The day she reappears after three years in the cold,

I just thought, "Absolutely. Go on, Frank...

Fuck her."

You spent the last three years burying all this.

There you go, love.

Oh, I can't eat eggs. I'm allergic.

They're Carl's. Carl! Your tits are ready!

You never used to be allergic to eggs.

It started a few years back. I almost died, didn't I?

Your mum's trying to have a conversation here.

Yeah, and we can do our own breakfast.

If you want privacy, go back in the van.

[Norm] It stinks to high heaven!

Never used to.

I've just had to kill a rat that size. Haven't I, Mon?

[Monica] Yeah.

What size?

What colour?

[sobs]

Well, who in their right mind keeps a rat as a pet?

-Pack up. We're going back to Moston. -[Monica] Ugh.

It's like Village of The Damned.

They've nobody else to look after 'em.

-Never bothered you before. -Well, Fiona was here before.

I'm not asking for a court report, Veronica.

Did she or did she not get the school uniform sorted out?

Yes, she definitely did 'cause Ian nipped round with today's milk.

Yeah, I just wanna make sure Monica hasn't abandoned

the kids before they get a chance to kill her.

It was all kosher when I popped around earlier.

Even Carl's? Because if he forgets his tie

one more time, they'll suspend him.

Do you mind? I'm trying to have a life here!

Oh, fine.

I'll go around and check in three minutes.

Make sure the kids have all got my number and enough cash

to ring me if they get any shit from the lesbians, yeah?

Do you want me to do the bleedin' washing up

-while I'm at it? -I'm being serious, Kev.

[Kev] And I'm being brief.

Ring us back in half an hour or so.

-What are they like? -Be quick.

I want to check Carl's got his tie.

-All right, hang on. -Oh.

-That's it. -[Veronica moans]

[Kev] Get a good grip.

[Veronica moans]

Oh, Kev! Oh! [moaning]

[hair dryer whirs]

[Frank] ♪ Sunshine on a rainy day ♪

♪ Sunshine on a rainy day ♪

[hair dryer stops]

Yeah, you're right. It fits.

I said it would a month ago, when you said you wouldn't be seen dead in it.

What, now can't you take a joke?

Listen, I'm going to get a paper.

-Owt you want? -Yeah...

get us enough for an overdose.

Tell the chemist I'll pay him later.

Joke! Just practicing.

Hey, and a good 'un.

-See you later. -[Sheila] I usually get a kiss.

[man speaking over TV]

[door closes]

[crow cawing]

[laboured breathing]

[bird calls]

[ominous music]

[Frank] Kev, see if anyone's looking for us.

-Michael, watch, watch. -[phone beeping]

[both laugh]

Two bailiffs, six o' clock.

-Is that front or back? -Back, back. So be sharp.

[cymbal crashes]

[Kev] And watch out for Wilson.

It's the shirt I'm feeling sorry for.

[door closes]

It's not my fault he's getting a stiffy for his ex.

Best not be either.

[dog barking]

Shit!

[whispers] Eugene, Eugene come here.

Michael, over.

Monica? Frank wants to see you.

Don't go dribbling on that. You're not keeping it.

[slot machine chimes]

Not you! Where's Monica?

[Norma] Two reasons why Monica will never make it home.

Size doesn't matter

and it's just a blister. It'll fade.

Day we wed, it was "Till death do us part."

-If that's a threat, Frank-- -No, it's...

just a promise that she made me on our wedding day.

Are these dead, fellas?

Hey, chick. Fetch us a couple of bevvies

-and whatever Worzel's having. -[scoffs]

A pint of Dog, cheese and onion pie and some more nuts. She's payin'.

More nuts? In your dreams, Daddio.

[laughs] Hey, that's a good 'un.

Is he allowed all this?

Frank thinks I owe him big style so he can have what he wants.

And a couple of Es.

Two years ago... we rescued a woman and her kids from a total psycho.

I'm not fucking interested.

She'd have been dead now if we hadn't have killed her.

[fruit machine chimes]

'Cause of him, she owed thousands.

She walked away without so much as a paper bill.

All we needed was one official agency to list her as dead.

Within a week, it all went as quiet as a mouse for her.

No debts, no bailiffs,

-no hassle, just like that. -[clicks fingers]

Imagine that, Frank.

You pretend to be dead,

-but your debts die for real. -[coughs]

[Tony] Actually, Sheila, we've had, uh,

complaints about noise from the neighbours.

-[sobs] -You having a bit of trouble?

Frank's ex coming around shouting the odds.

They haven't seen each other for a bit so they had a lot to say, as it happens.

[Tony] You and Fiona, you're as mad as each other.

You're gonna spend the rest of your lives cleaning up after Frank.

Is he worth that?

I'd give my right arm to spend the rest of my life cleaning up after Frank.

[sobs]

-Have you met Monica? -No.

Cracking on she's a lesbian. I saw the way she looked at him.

Fiona's mum's a lesbian?

Not for long, she's not. You watch.

[Sheila sobbing]

[Tony] Hey, hey, here you are.

Honestly, Sheila, I can't see anybody fighting over Frank.

I would if I could.

She's got her feet back under the table round at Fiona's,

except it's not Fiona's anymore 'cause she's forced her out.

-What? Fiona's gone? -No choice.

She's gone to live-- [screams]

-What? Where's she gone? -[screams]

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God! -What?

What the fuck have you done to her?

Get a towel!

It's there, it's in your hand, Sheila.

I know! I wiped me eyes! Chillies! Cooking with chillies!

-Jesus, I can't see! -Here bring her to the sink!

-[Tony] Here let's have a look. -[Stan] Don't you touch her,

not if you had hold of the tea towel!

I'm blind!

Here you are, this way. Sheila, this way.

-Fetch some water. -[groans]

[Stan] Come into the kitchen.

-Sheila! -[screams]

[Stan] Sheila, come this way.

Here, slap this over your fa--

-[groans] -[Tony] Over here, Sheila.

Ah, oh, my God!

-Where am I now? -Home. Chatsworth Estate.

-Where am I standing? -Garden.

[groans]

[sobs gently]

[sighs]

[whimpering]

[pants]

[birds twitter]

[whimpering]

[birds chirping]

[groans]

[Sheila] I did it.

I went outside.

-Where's Fiona gone? -Five years.

"She's gone to live round..."

Steve's.

Oh, my God, catch me; I think I'm going to faint.

No, you're fine, Mrs Jackson.

I know. [panting]

[thuds]

[Frank] I don't understand, how does it work then?

[Norma] A couple of teams of girls.

We've done it for years.

A Team deals with deaths and overseas.

B Team specialises in domestic manoeuvres.

Helping like-minded chicks do a runner.

Yeah, and money, accommodation et cetera.

So, which one are you?

Well, you have to have military training for the A team.

We're B.

So, you helped Monica leave me?

No, that was, er, Cindy, I think.

-The two Juliets. -Oh.

So you knew you were a lezzer before you fucked off?

She's always been a chick, Frank,

so, don't build your hopes up.

She can't even look at a penis without gagging.

So what would I have to do if I went along with all this?

The least, which is lucky.

He thinks he stands a chance

and he won't listen to me.

Well, don't apologise for him-- Stan, yeah?

I mean, everybody's entitled to give it their best shot.

You can't-- [chuckles] You can't hate him for it.

Well, what's he doing sniffing 'round Chatsworth

for a love life if he could get it anywhere?

[chair scrapes]

Think about what you've just said and phone me to apologise

when you've worked it out, Tony.

-No, I'm not sayin' that. -You are fucking sayin'!

-I'm not good enough for him? -[Tony] No, no, no.

Well, okay, maybe it came out wrong, but,

you think about what I said, Fiona.

A middle-class bloke, money,

a fucking house this size, come on.

You don't meet people like that.

People like you do not meet people like that.

Oh, yeah, and Steve loves Chatsworth so much

he asked you to move in here.

No, he didn't, it was my idea.

For your information, he thinks coming here is a mistake.

-[scoffs] For? -Me, the kids.

I have left them with my mum and her girlfriend.

Neither of 'em capable of running that house.

And it's the kids that are suffering, again.

And I agree with him. It's Steve saying that.

It's him talking me around.

He spends more time at ours than he does here.

Half a chance and he would move in permanently!

-What? -That's the whole fucking point!

How's that normal?

A 25-year-old bloke. He buys stuff like this.

Oh, no, he'd rather stay on a council estate

with his girlfriend and five suffering kids,

none of 'em hers.

Make it sound like a bloody pigsty.

[Tony] That's what it would look like to someone like him.

Eh, how could it not?

-[door closes] -Think.

[Steve] Sorry, Helmet, time's up, mate.

Fiona, the kids just rang.

They need us round at yours now.

[water running]

I'm going.

Think about what I said, Fiona.

[door closes]

Right, go, Stan!

Didn't I say I can often surprise myself? Didn't I?

I'm not in the fucking mood, Stan, drive or get out!

I'm not in the fucking mood either, so just calm down.

Wing mirror.

Blue car. His? Yeah?

[Tony] So?

He doesn't have to pay for it. His work does.

It's nicked.

The VIN number on the glasswork doesn't match the reg plate.

-How do you know? -[Stan] He went in the boot for a rack,

pair of number plates there.

Not the current one. Not the original one either.

Hey, again, Mr Premature Ejaculation.

Buckle up. We've got work to do.

-Yeah, we'll nick him. -[Stan] We will.

But if we nick him for more than,

then we're looking at a longer-term sentence,

not a holiday camp. Get me?

[engine starts]

[dog barking]

What's going on?

[Monica] Your dad's got news for you.

[Frank] I'm dying, apparently.

[Fiona] You what?

[phone ringing]

Yeah, Steven with a V.

McBride.

62 Whalley Lane, Manchester,

M14 2KM.

[Mr Wilson] It's not good news.

But don't blame me.

Eviction notice.

They want you out.

At the minute, they've had enough of your dad,

not so much the deviance, as the lies.

Well, they'll love the next bit.

You best come in, Mr Wilson.

[Steve sobs]

Oh, sweet Jesus, no!

Both wrists and a bottle of tablets.

-I blame myself. -So do I.

-We all do. -[Ian] I'm off to work.

Work? Surely not.

I fucking hated him. And I need the money.

[door closes]

Are you okay, Mr Wilson?

It was never the best job in the world,

but it was never as bad as this,

not by a long shot.

Do you mind if I...

Please do.

He'd appreciate it if you paid your respects.

[clears throat]

Dear Lord, help us house the tenants we could,

show compassion and mercy whenever we should.

Lord...

give us strength when foresight is needed

to nail the ones we know who have cheated.

Dear Lord...

let not this trickiest job

make us grand or smug

or proud or snobs.

Something written for me by my wife to help me get through the job.

She died last summer so I know what you're all going through. [sobs]

So... she'll be with me dad?

No, she'll be over the other side...

probably.

[church bells tolling]

[bailiff 1] Dead? How?

Woman over there says heart attack.

Fucking hell.

-Poor Frank. -[bailiff 2] Nah,

there's summat not right about this.

-[Fiona] Dad! -Fuck off!

If he'd done another verse I'd have croaked.

-Get back in the coffin! -No, it's freaking me out.

I'm having flashbacks to me mam.

She's taking the piss.

She's just trying to show me up in front of you.

Hey, you don't need helpers, Frank.

Frank, if the creditors catch up with you you're dead anyway, get in the coffin.

Your parents must have got a clue, you know, dropping the L for normal.

Oh, Frank, I never borrowed any money I couldn't pay back.

-You're a sad bitch. -[Lip] Dad! In your box!

Well, just look at all you, eh, where's the L word? Loyalty.

Doing what you're told by this twisted,

rug-chomping, fucking chimp!

It's the bailiffs, they've got papers! If it's a warrant we're in trouble.

[Steve] Frank, get in the coffin.

[all gasp]

Shit!

[Steve] Get him in, quick.

[pounding on door]

[indistinct whispers]

[pounding on door]

[Monica] Show a bit of respect, eh.

[door closes]

You piece of shit!

[bailiff 2] Too late to apologise for that, love.

We were only doing our jobs, right.

And we feel bad enough about it, to leave this with you.

[Debbie] To keep?

[bailiff 2] He was a good bloke.

We meet a lot like him. Don't mean any harm.

They always think they can pay it back.

Boo! You're not dead!

Get up! Get out! Are you fuck dead!

[bailiff 1] Michael, cut it out.

Two and a half grand, and counting!

Plus, the car one of you nicked.

Michael. Michael! This is really, really sick.

Hey, hey. No, look...

I mean, I thought he was... I thought you were...

[pants]

Oh, shit!

[door closes]

[Debbie] Sheila, come out and help me.

-Help me! -Debbie!

She-- Sheila! [chokes]

-Debbie! Debbie! -[Debbie] Sheila, help me!

[chokes]

Come on, Sheila. Now!

She-- [coughing]

Get off her, you bastards! Leave her alone!

Debbie! Leave her alone! Ugh.

[screeches]

Sheila, you did it!

Sheila, it worked, the plan worked.

I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it!

[all sobbing]

He's dead! And he's not coming back!

I'd love to know what people thought about me when I'm dead.

You wouldn't if you were Frank.

It's Wilson.

[Jez] Family only.

Definitely not you! Not tonight.

I'm sorry, there's a gazebo and a dartboard

round the back for any punters not having invitations.

[Kev] Frank Gallagher was a deeply valued

and respected member of this community.

[all laugh]

[Kev] He was a good friend and neighbour

-and he'll be sorely missed. -[indistinct chatter]

He once told me in private that if he ever died unexpectedly

that the one thing he'd like saying at his wake...

was this.

[all cheer and applaud]

["(I've Had) The Time of My Life playing]

I'm alive! [laughs]

[cheering]

Are you there, Marty?

Fuckin' Randall and Hopkirk.

Who the fuck would bury anyone in a white suit?

Whose idea was that?

Well, tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be a party!

[all cheer]

[laughs]

When you're ready.

[Ian] Is it okay if I shoot off in a sec?

Who are you meeting?

No, you've shown your face. Well done.

Once I've slung this down, I'm off.

I thought the woman across the road was looking after Liam.

-Only till 9:00. -I'll come with you.

No, you stay. You're not used to a lock-in.

You'll love it.

[music continues]

[door closes]

So, you came home to collect Liam?

Liam's in bed.

You see, Liam sleeps with the lights blazing.

All the upstairs lights are off.

-Have I done something wrong? -No, not...

[sighs]

Five nights out of seven...

Liam ends up in my bed,

and that doesn't bother you.

-Not if I'm honest. -It wasn't the question.

The night you met me...

why didn't you take me back to your house?

Because yours was nearer.

-And because I don't like mine. -[Fiona] Sometimes, Stevie,

I can't tell whether it's me you're interested in...

or my family. [scoffs]

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's obvious we need all the help we can get,

so how can we be good for you?

[Frank] ♪ The old hometown Looks the same, Kev ♪

♪ As I step down From the train ♪

♪ There to meet me ♪

[pounding on door]

♪ There's my mama ♪

And I thought I'd snuffed it.

♪ Down the road, I walk... ♪

Where's Steve?

-Shot off a while back. -With our Fiona.

[Frank] ♪ ...hair of gold And tits like cherries ♪

♪ It's good to touch... ♪

Wait here.

♪ ...the green green grass of home ♪

♪ Yes, they all come to meet me... ♪

Even you, sunshine.

-Do you want a drink, Stan? -I can't, I'm on overtime.

Salford soda and a couple of Es for later?

Yeah, great, if I'm not in anybody's way.

♪ ...the green green grass of home-- ♪

-Sheila. -I know. [panting]

If I look to the left or right, this could be a nightmare,

but I don't have to.

There you are. I'm absolutely fine,

but if I faint, don't shift us.

I'll be right as rain in a few minutes.

[Jez] You allowed a drink, Sheila?

Oh, vodka and tonic for me.

Rum and black for Debbie.

Thanks, sweetheart.

[Debbie] Just the black. And a straw, please.

Everybody looks ten years older.

-I feel like Woody Allen. -You look fantastic, Sheila.

Actually, it's less disorientating if I look at Monica.

She's wearing an outfit I had on when I last went out.

-[Sheila panting] -[indistinct chatter]

Fucking bitch!

I mean, are you sure you should be doing this?

[Sheila] I'm absolutely sure.

[breathing heavily]

I need a kiss.

You don't want to be overdoing it, do you?

You'll feel a lot safer at home.

I feel alive again, Frank.

And I've got a little surprise for you.

[blows into microphone]

[breathes raggedly]

I'm pregnant. [gasping laugh]

[all cheer and whistle]

[Sheila laughs]

[man] Well done, Frank.

Can I baby-sit, Dad?

Hey, Frank, you're officially dead.

I am now.

Yes, I like your family.

I love being here.

Because every time I turn up, I-- I feel more welcome,

more satisfied and treated better than any place I've ever turned up in my life.

And d-- do you know why that is, Fiona?

I'm here because you're here.

I-- I'm here for you.

What do you want?

Do you want somebody who-- who doesn't like where you live?

Do you want somebody who wants the total opposite?

No!

I don't understand what I've done wrong.

Nothing, honestly. Nothing!

I have been dumped on so many times.

Bloody Mum, bloody Dad.

And you are so generous.

-With other people's money. -I'm not talking about money.

The way you are with the kids.

The time you spend with 'em.

-They love having you around. -This is where I'm confused,

'cause generally, I think I'm quite a decent bloke.

[Fiona] Plus...

someday soon...

I really want to have a family of my own.

I do, too.

I hadn't banked on one this big, but I do, too.

[Tony] Oh, I definitely wouldn't do that, Fiona.

BMW. 3 Series. Registration Y586 BCY.

Or the Shogun from Leeds... no?

How about the black Merc from Didsbury?

These are accusations, I'm saying nothing till I get a lawyer.

[scoffs] Fine. Say nothing.

We know what nothing means. He's a thief.

He's just a... ringer. That's all we've got here.

And that's where the money's come from.

[Steve] Don't listen to a word of this. It's all bollocks. I want a lawyer.

[Tony] See, it's not what Merc or what Beemer, just "I want a lawyer".

It's the surest sign you're right.

How come you're on your own, Tony?

-[Tony] It's a favour. -For?

The last thing I want is embarrassment for you.

Are you nicking him or not?

-I'll leave that up to you. -[Fiona] Oh, go on!

-[Tony] No, I'm saying-- -What, Tony? What?

You let him go and he can scarper

and I'm lumbered with paying back favours to you?

Fuck off!

I told you months back that you weren't my type.

What do you do?

-Blackmail? -No, it's not.

Bloody is, mate.

You've told him no, but he's still here.

Only because I love him.

A bloody car thief?

That is not all he is!

[door closes]

[Tony] Steven McBride, I am arresting you

-on suspicion of theft. -Oh, no, Tony, no!

[Tony] You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence--

[Fiona] Please, Tony, stop!

[police siren wailing]

[engine stops]

[car doors close]

Now, how come it's always people like you, always get their own way, eh?

-You blew that, mate, not me. -I am not your mate!

Now, if I take you in, she won't talk to me again, will she?

No.

What have you got that I haven't?

I just got there before you, Tony.

I promised that I'd never let anybody do that again.

[sighs]

Look, can I smoke?

Do you want to help me out here?

You could get five years for this.

You ever driven a three and a half litre?

-No. -Give it a try.

Take it for a spin.

[scoffs] Yeah, right.

How to keep Tony quiet? Buy him off.

-You fuck right off! -[keys jingle]

-I've got principles. -Yeah, so have I.

[scoffs]

I've never committed a single violent crime in my life.

I've never hurt anyone.

I-- I've never burgled anyone. I don't need to.

It's...

It's a compulsion.

I just like driving other people's cars.

Especially when I know they're fully comp.

Just imagine it.

You're nipping out for a pint of milk,

something as-- as mundane,

something as ordinary and boring as that.

You wouldn't believe how sexy that is.

Is it just because it's not your car?

Precisely that.

And I swear that one...

is completely untraceable.

Where would I say I got it?

Bought it from me, in good faith.

You give me a cheque for 15,000 pounds,

I'll give you 15 grand back in cash.

[rock music playing]

[car door closes]

-[oven dings] -[Carl] Can I have some egg?

-Mum, Mum, I don't like me egg-- -[Lip] Mum, can I have chips--

[Carl] Mum, it's all circular. Mum.

[indistinct chatter]

[Ian] Mum, you're not even listening.

[all chattering, shouting]

Mum, what about my chips?

Mum, I need a letter for games tomorrow.

-Mum, there's no ketchup! -Mum!

[indistinct chatter]

Liam!

He's still at the nursery.

[Debbie] Yeah, and it closes at five.

-Oh, my God! -Oh, Mum.

At least she came back.

She didn't come back, she were forced.

She's only here 'cause she can't leave.

Right, hands up. Who believes her when she says

she had no idea where we were living?

Time for you to go... Mum.

[birds chirping]

If I'd have had a clairvoyant tell me last week I'd be doing this now,

I think I would have hit her.

-[doorbell ringing] -[Sheila] I'll get that!

[pants excitedly]

-Fiona, how are you? -Sheila, that was fantastic!

And is the other bit true?

Nurse came this morning with the dates for the antenatal.

-I did it! -Oh, congratulations!

Oh! [laughs]

Give us them flowers, you.

I was gonna ask if you wanted anything from the supermarket,

but do you fancy coming along?

Oh, my God, Frank.

-I can do me own shopping. -Good.

-Hey, don't go mad though. -Oh, give over. I'm loaded.

I've spent next to nothing the last five years.

Oh.

Maternity clothes, I love 'em.

Bereavement cards from people who took it seriously.

"Good luck, kids, one man's loss can be a gain for many."

-Victor. -I'll twat him when I see him.

Well, you won't have to if he thinks you're dead.

[Fiona and Sheila laugh]

And a death benefit certificate for 25 pounds,

-to help towards the funeral. -[Sheila] Oh, that's sweet.

It's in my name.

Aww. But I'll sign it over to you,

you might as well have it if it's the last giro you'll see.

-What are you on about? -Well, you can't claim if you're dead.

[Sheila] Oh don't be gormless, Frank. Even I worked that one out.

-The devious fucking bitch! -What?

Fucking lezzers have done this, haven't they, to get out of paying maintenance.

[Sheila] Don't get het up about all that stuff.

I claim more than enough for all three of us.

[Fiona] No, Mum and Norma have settled for a hundred,

in cash, up front, every week to me.

-Oh, says who? -Mum and Norma.

Right.

[Sheila] Frank!

-[women singing] -[guitar playing]

♪ You don't have to say You love me ♪

♪ Just be close at hand ♪

♪ You don't have to stay forever ♪

♪ I will understand ♪

♪ Believe ♪

You stitched me up, you bitch.

You whores of Satan. Where's my money, you?

Oh, calm down, Frank. Everybody got what they wanted.

Nobody stitched anybody.

I can't even claim basic. Basic!

Well, you shouldn't have been allowed to in the first place

since none of your kids actually saw the money.

Oh, well, they never saw any from her, did they?

She was in recovery!

Fuck off. You stitched me.

-[Jez] Oi, oi, eh. -[woman] That's enough.

No, don't patronise me.

Frank's a pussy, aren't ya? Meow, meow.

[women cheer and applaud]

Wanker.

-Look out! -[guitar clangs]

Oh, Frank! You tosser. What have you done?

You get him back Norma, go on, go.

Yeah? Well?

And? Okay? Okay, come on.

You fuck like a bloke. Come on, fight like one.

[women shout]

-[Debbie laughing] -[indistinct chatter]

[Steve] Do you guys want a beer?

Yeah, three beers, please, Veronica. You're showing off.

[pants]

-Which one's yours? -It's the one at the end

next to the derelict house.

-[Steve] Hi, Sheila. -Hiya, Steve!

[breathing heavily] Hiya, Kev. How are you?

[laughs]

-State of me! -Hiya, gorgeous.

[Sheila] Credit card expired in 2000 so we had to get cash,

didn't we? I loved it!

Sheila, you look about three months more pregnant

than last time I saw ya!

-It's a cushion. -Is it?

I'm testing my smocks.

What do you think?

[Debbie] God, your shoes are top, Sheila.

[Kevin] We got-- We got lagers here.

We're just having a break, Fiona, fixing Steve's boiler.

-Yeah. Oi. -Fucking slave-driver or what?

Lip, Ian, give us a hand with the bags.

Here you are.

Thanks. Come on.

And you can pack that in for a start.

-What? -Fixing Steve's boiler?

He hasn't moved in yet, you know. -[Steve] Yes, I have.

Who asked you?

I took the liberty of bringing some clothes and a bit of furniture and stuff.

-Aww. -[Fiona] No, you haven't.

Oh, sorry. [chuckles] Sorry, you thought I meant your house.

No, you see, I meant ours.

-Is he for real? -Yep.

He did a cash deal.

For more than it's worth, if you ask me.

It took a month of hard bargaining.

You weren't meant to find out until it was all done and dusted

and that was long before Helmet ever got--

Hey, speak of the bent little devil.

-[all cheering] -Hey! Helmet!

-Can I look? -Oi. Hey. Look...

I haven't finished yet.

What I want to say...

is, Fiona, from the bottom of my heart,

I love you.

Happy 21st.

[Fiona sobs]

[all cheer, whistle]

Oi, all right!

Are you going to show me around?

Um, best not.

Yeah, it'll be great in a fortnight.

[Sheila] Kev reckons it will only cost 500 to knock through.

-That's if you want to. -You don't have to!

[Debbie] I can be in charge next door.

Yeah and we could knock the back yard together and that would be top.

[Kev] Couple of grand to do it up, Couple of grand to get it furnished.

I suppose that will come off the insurance claim though.

What insurance claim?

-[explosion] -[all scream]

[Kev] Fucking hell!

[all laughing]

[all cheering]

[cheering]

That'll be your boiler, then, Steve.

[Steve] Sounds like it, Kev.

Wouldn't you know it? British workmanship.

Whoo!

Come here.

[screams]

[Frank] That's why Tony Blair's a no-no.

[fire engine sirens blaring]

[Frank] Forget Iraq. Never mind pensions.

The only thing that gimp's achieved in eight years is making lesbians think

they own the place,

while working class heroes like me are left propping the bleedin' country up.

Well, fuck him!

Actually, don't, I bet he'd love it.

[theme music plays]

[man speaking over TV]

[Frank whistles]

You'll have to wait, you dirty boy.

I promised to go and see me mam before she dies.

-[car horn honks] -That's me taxi.

[man speaking over TV]