Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, you know

but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,

and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

[Lip gasps]

You know, they can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

[Carl] Run for it!

Fiona, who's a big help. Massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

-[barking] -[Frank] Carl.

Daren't let him grow his hair. One, it stands on end,

makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love him.

Debbie. Total angel. You've to check your change

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam. Little rock 'n' roller, you know, gonna be a star.

-Once we've got the fits under control. -[Liam screams]

Steve, posh lad, different planet. The truth is out there. Not.

Kev and Veronica, fantastic neighbours, you know, lend ya anything.

Well, not anything. But all of them, to a man,

know first and foremost one of the most vital

necessities in this life is they know how to throw a party!

[Frank laughing] Scatter!

[Debbie] Over the hills, in a weird little land,

live fairies and goblins with more than two hands.

Some gremlins, they say, can come with four eyes.

The dragons can scorch with the simplest of sighs.

The scariest thing to people like us,

'cause nothing can touch them, they're allergic to fuss.

Until their mother appeared, started roaming their valley,

hiding and pouncing from damp, dark alleys.

No noise, no chewing, no signs of a fight,

devouring the children with a plate of French fries.

[Frank sings indistinctly]

[humming]

Morning, Jackie!

[Debbie] They swim for their souls inside her belly.

She laughs at their struggle, and turns 'em to jelly.

When she burps, the ground shakes, the locals take cover

as the roar of dead children repeats, over and over.

-[bell dings] -[Frank singing] ♪ Oh! ♪

[Carl] Cheers, Fiona.

-[door bangs] -[Carl falls]

-[plate crashes] -[Carl] Oh, Dad!

♪ Mornin'! ♪

♪ Oh, ho, what a beautiful day ♪

♪ I got a beautiful feeling ♪

♪ Everythin's goin' my way ♪

[imitates dog bark]

[laughs]

-[Frank grunts] -[Fiona] It's not Friday.

[Frank] Oh, like I only come down when there's a giro due?

[postman] Don't go anywhere, Frank.

[Frank grunts]

[Frank] What-- Hang on. Hang on.

Unpaid Water Board, 150.

County Court order, Northwest Gas, 370!

-For what? -Uh, only a guess, but gas.

Catalogue bill, TV-video combi, 380.

[Frank] Someone's taking the piss, who signed for the telly?

[all] You!

[Frank] I'll take a-- A oner for it.

All right, 90 and a shag.

Eighty and a bit of blow.

-[doorbell rings] -Yeah, but look.

These are all for Bishops Grove.

We haven't lived in Bishops Grove for three years.

So? It's still in your name.

Yeah, but how long's a bloody debt good for?

-[Fiona sighs] -'Til you pay it.

So what's bloody Watchdog all about, then?

-[doorbell rings] -[Frank] Where is it?

Ah! Got it!

-[Michael] Frank Gallagher in? -[Debbie] Who?

[George] Frank "pay-you-back" Gallagher.

[Debbie] He's not in. He doesn't live here!

-[Debbie] What are you doing? -[Fiona] Who are you?

-Who said you could come in?

Two grand worth of debt, and still mountin' up.

-[Fiona grunts] -[Michael] Right, check out the back.

[siren blaring]

[passer-by grunts]

[siren blaring]

Jesus!

[siren blaring continues]

-[car tyres squealing] -[Frank screams]

Right. Come on, here.

-Right. -[Fiona screams]

-[Lip grunts] -[Ian grunts]

Right, he pays up, or he does without!

-And we're talking legs. -[George] Where is he?

Right! Telly for starters, and the video.

I'll phone for the van. Get the settee, eh?

You two! On your feet, now!

Here, I stuck a tape in for 007.

-What? -[Carl] I've stuck a tape in

and that's my tape.

-Shit! -Get your hands off him!

-Oh, right-- -[crashes]

[gasping]

-[Michael] You little-- -[Fiona] You touch her and I'll kill you!

[Tony] Frank?

-Did your dad come this way? -[Fiona] He doesn't live here!

I just clipped him with the wing mirror. He just ran straight into the van.

Hey, what's going on?

Debt recovery technicians. TIC Security.

[Fiona] Tony, they barged straight in,

and this bastard has just kicked our Carl.

They're after your dad.

He doesn't live here! Tell them!

Now, Frank Gallagher has not lived here in a while.

Hey, that's funny.

So, how come his name's on the-- The rent books of this address?

Hey, that's funny. Which one of you breached Data Protection

to get that then, eh?

[Tony] Furniture's none of your business.

Belongs to Fiona.

So, what are we, lads?

Technicians or burglars?

Sarge, you'd best bring the lads in.

Whoa, whoa.

[siren blaring]

-Yes, Tony. -No, no. Listen.

The more you cover him, the more your dad's gonna take the piss.

-He won't change. -That's my problem, Tony.

No, it's you shouldering everybody else's problems

while he's lappin' it up round at Sheila Jackson's.

-They're not your kids. -I don't have a choice.

Well, that's exactly what I'm saying. You do.

You can come and live with me.

-What? -[Tony] Seventeen grand a year.

Discount mortgage, eh, preferential insurance rates.

No debts, except the--

Well, no. Come March, I'll even own the car outright.

-I could change your life. -I've got the life I want.

And you are not blind. You know I've got a boyfriend.

That bloke's not your friend! Not if he's happy leaving you in that state.

You're bugging me now, Tony. And I'm late for work.

Marry me.

-I mean it, Fiona. I love you. -[scoffs]

Marry me.

[school bell ringing]

-[Fiona] Come on. -[van door opens]

[back door slides open and shut]

-What? -MP3 player all over again.

First you see, you buy.

And you still can't get it to download, can ya?

You had sex with her once. Frank Gallagher's daughter,

talk about startin' at rock-bleedin'-bottom.

-[tyres squeal] -[groans]

It took you and Tamsin four years to buy a flat.

Yeah, but good decisions need time.

[scoffs] Three months later you're back at your mum's,

Tamsin owns the flat, and she's moved her "brother" in.

Yeah, but she just needs thinkin' time.

[scoffs]

It is her brother.

Fuck off. He's black.

[door chimes]

[tins crashing]

[items crashing]

[banging on door]

[Frank grunts]

[breathes heavily]

Sorry, Yvonne, I'm--

I thought someone was following us.

-You're pickin' that up. -[Frank] Yeah, yeah. I will.

-Exactly as it were before. -I will.

[Frank mumbles]

And while you're down there, you can dust the tins.

-[Yvonne] Ugh! -Just-- Just watch the door.

-[thudding] -Yeah,

-but it doesn't make sense. -[grunting]

Why'd it take three years for the creditors to catch up?

'Cause we did a moonlight flit from our last place.

Yeah, a night I'll never forget.

Kids this high carryin' furniture,

couldn't tell a word Frank said.

Me and Kev thought they were Bosnians.

After a week, we were wishing they had been.

Yeah, all right. But then nothing for three years

and then everybody finds out at once.

Steve's right. Plus, Dad was looking for a letter.

-Meaning? -[Lip] He were in top form. Why?

What was he waiting for?

He never gets letters here, apart from his giro.

And all the bills were addressed to Vernon Francis Gallagher.

I reckon he's broke the rules.

He's used his full name somewhere.

-[doorbell rings] -[Lip gasps]

You go, Veronica. If it's a bailiff, say I'm out.

-[Veronica] What? -Go, go, go, go!

[Veronica mumbles indistinctly]

It's never little Fiona.

No, it's little Veronica.

Fuck do you want?

Mr Wilson, housing officer.

[chase music playing]

[tyres squealing]

[Michael] Don't lose him, George!

Hello, Frank.

[door opens, closes]

Hey, Frank, while you're down there,

can you just mop that sick up?

[indistinct chatter]

-Phillip, Ian, Deborah-- -Debbie.

Carl and, uh...

-Nope. -Liam.

Get away. [chuckles] Liam Gallagher!

You're never going to live that one down, my son.

[chuckles] You wee tinker.

-So, where's your dad? -He don't live here.

This house has six to eight berths.

I've got people on the list looking for houses this size.

So if all the berths aren't in use, you're out.

Plus, there's me.

-Who are you? -I'm Frank's eldest, Stevie.

-So, Frank's-- -Still in Iraq.

-Come again? -Uh, he joined the army.

Now I know you're pullin' my leg,

'cause I was on the phone to Frank yesterday.

We had an appointment here.

Never kid a kidder. I don't like being lied to.

Start again? It's four bedrooms or five here?

Four, why?

Request from the Child Support Agency

for a "domestic circumstances appraisal."

[chuckles]

-Their phrase, not mine. -Hang on!

What's any of this got to do with the Child Support Agency?

Presumably because your mum asked for a summary.

[Celtic flute playing]

Mum?

[Carl] You know where she is?

Don't you?

So who filed a claim against her, if your dad's not living here?

[man on TV] Well, some useful tips there about, uh, dahlias...

What have you done?

-[sighs] -[TV playing indistinctly]

[Frank sighs]

Now, do us a favour.

Ring this number.

Find out if Monica's there. If she is...

then tell her congratulations, she's won.

-Who's Monica? -Doesn't matter!

Won what?

Uh, y-- Well, you know, whatever. Uh, lottery.

-Teddy bear! -For what?

Just do as you're told and make the call!

Just a teddy bear. [chuckles]

Massive! Just say that!

Well, I hope Monica, whoever she is, worked very hard for it.

-The f-- -[door closes]

Hey, hey. [chuckles]

What? You th-- You think I'm going around chasing skirt?

Come on. Give over, Sheila.

A bloke couldn't love anybody more than I love you.

Come on, she's not really won a teddy.

And if I was givin' away a teddy,

you'd be absolutely top of the list.

I'll let you give us one with the biggest in the box.

Sure you're ready for that?

Yeah, just give us a couple of aspirin, get it over and done with.

[chuckles]

Then, you ring Monica. Yeah?

[groovy music playing]

[Carl] Get in. Debbie, get in.

-[lock clicking] -[door opening]

-Michael, over. -[door closes]

Anything your end, George? Over.

[George] Nothing, Michael. Over.

-[beeping sound] -This'll be ready in a sec.

Over.

[George] Am I comin' over? Over.

Yeah, come over. Over.

[slurping]

Oh, hello!

[music playing]

-Is he not in here? -Daren't go home.

Which is great for the till, so don't go cheerin' him up.

[video game machines beeping]

-You know where Mum is, don't ya? -No.

Liar. We've had the housing officer round.

You know where she is 'cause you filed a claim against her.

They know where she is, wouldn't give us the address.

[huffs] We have got bailiffs front and back 'cause of you.

Oh, here we go, 'cause of me. No one blames your mum, do they?

No one has a go at that pan face, gutless bitch.

Bloody right, I've made a claim!

The pain she's caused me...

The shit Monica's loaded on me.

She's livin' it up with a bloke in Moston

and I'm fetching up six kids on fucking peanuts.

You are not bringing up six kids.

You never brought up six kids. I am!

If there's any money coming, it's owed to me.

-[door opens] -[footsteps approaching]

How do you know she's in Moston?

Jackie Peasgood gave me her number.

At least, that's how the CSA traced her.

It's a Moston code.

[indistinct chatter]

-Have you talked to her? -Have I fuck.

If she finds out I'm on to her, won't see her for dust, will we?

I want to see that money.

-What? -[telephone ringing]

-She thinks she's won a teddy. -[line connecting]

Monica?

Oh, hello, it's Sheila here

from Cost Chopper, the mini market.

I'm delighted to announce you've won the raffle.

It's a teddy bear.

First prize, biggest teddy there is.

I know. [chuckles]

I've never won anything, either.

I bet you're thrilled, aren't ya?

-I'm thrilled for ya. -[chains rattling]

Anyway, prize giving's at six o'clock.

Carol Vorderman's making the presentation.

She doesn't know who Carol is.

How could you not know who Carol Vorderman is?

[mouthing]

Anyway, it's, um, six on the dot.

Richard Whiteley might be there an' all. [chuckles]

Bye, Monica.

She's never heard of Richard Whiteley.

-Is she comin'? -Richard Whiteley.

Did she say she was pickin' up the prize or not?

Yes. Big daft moo.

How do you know her anyway?

So if she's daft enough to show her face,

I'm gonna follow her and find out exactly where she's hidin'.

We need you at home when Wilson comes back.

Well, what-- When's he offering?

Tomorrow, eleven o'clock.

All right. I'll see if I can make it.

[Fiona] You will not see if you can anything,

you will bloody well be there and sort this out!

-[footsteps fading] -[door opens, slams]

Ready, Frank?

[indistinct chatter]

-[vehicle approaching] -[brakes squeaking]

[angry muttering]

Monica.

[Frank] Monica?

[Lip sighing]

All right, what kinda money are we talking?

[sighs] Over seven grand so far.

-Christ, what'd your dad spend it on? -Not the house.

-Not clothes. -Not food.

Here we go, one of the original labour saving devices,

-beaten only by the vibrator. -[all laughing]

-[Fiona] Veronica! -What?

They all know what a vibrator is.

That may be, but it's not for discussin'

-in an open house. -Oh, grow up.

Right, if it dries up, just gob on it.

-[grunts] See. -[Fiona groans]

[Veronica] Right, kids, what am I doin'?

[indistinct chatter]

[music playing]

[sobbing]

Look at the state of her! Huh, your idea of a joke?

'Cause you're scared of women with opinions, eh?

Well, watch this space, crinkle dick.

I'll show you what's funny

when I rip the face of your fucking head!

You twisted, fascist old shit!

Are you sure you got the right shop?

Yeah.

I'm asking you to think, Monica. Did they say Cost Chopper?

Yeah, I wrote it down. [sniffles]

I wrote everything down.

Stop talking to me like I'm stupid. [sobs]

[truck door slams]

[sobs]

[fast music playing]

-Frank? -[Norma] What?

It's Frank!

[Monica] Frank!

I couldn't see a thing 'cause that truck was in the way.

-Did you see the missus? -She's seen me, start the car!

Come on, come on! She's here, she's here!

-Who's the other bird? -Her bloke. A truck driver.

-What's all that about? -Eh?

Come on, floor it, Kev, or we're done for.

[Norma] Come here!

Oh! Yeah. Drive, you bastard!

[upbeat music playing]

[horn honking]

Come on, faster than this, you gormless dick!

If it went faster than this, I would have got rid of her long since.

Why the hell didn't you tell me

-she was a lezza? -[Frank] Oh, hello.

If I'd have known she was a lezza,

I'd have asked her back, wouldn't I?

[horn honking]

-Next exit, Kev. -[horn honking]

[Frank] Come on!

[tyres squealing]

-[bell dings] -What did I tell ya?

Milk and egg mixed by whisk, coat very gently,

it'll always crisp. [chuckles]

-Smells fantastic, Sheila. -Thanks to you, the new Delia.

Actually, I've lost patience with Delia since the new haircut.

It's too severe.

Plus, she never writes back.

-[bang on door] -[screams] What?

What about the bloody car? Oh, for cr-- Get it shifted,

-you dateless, ginger nonce. -[Sheila whimpers]

You're crossing the line here, Frank.

Ginger's all I've got left of me dad, so I'm warnin' ya!

[truck approaching]

[truck engine revs]

[truck doors close]

[banging on door]

Oh! Sheila, key! Back door key, where have you put it?

I'm trying to concentrate a little bit here, Frank, thank you.

[Frank] Oh! [grunts]

-Mum. -"Mum"?

[pants]

Debbie?

[sighs]

[breathing heavily]

[panting]

Hey, it's nowt to do with me. I'm-- I'm just-- I'm just the driver.

That's driving? Ha!

Yeah. Anyway, I've-- I've got to get back to work,

I told them I'd only be a half hour.

There's plenty of other jobs.

That were a filthy bloody trick.

I had me heart set on that teddy.

Oh! Oh, uh, "teddy", is it? "Heart set", is it?

So what about your kids? You know, your six kids,

youngest being four month old when you ran off with fucking Shrek.

-Am I answering that, Monica? -No.

I didn't leave you, Frank.

You bloody did! You pissed off!

[Monica] I didn't leave me family.

You'd done just about your worst to destroy me.

When I turned up at Norma's that night, I was like a bloody--

-Emotional cripple. -Total emotional cripple

with not one iota of self-respect.

You drove me into the ground, you'd robbed me of any dignity

I ever had, and...

[scoffs]

Where's the rest of the kids?

-Playing out. -They live round at Fiona's.

-George. Over. -[George] Michael. Over.

-[Carl] Oi! -Sit down, mate.

[indistinct chatter]

-[Liam babbling] -[Steve] Hey, hey, hey.

Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

[Steve grunts]

-[Lip coughs] -[Veronica] You.

[man on TV] Coming up next is...

[indistinct chatter]

[Liam] I was trying to move out of the way for you.

Debbie?

[TV playing]

What's up, sweetheart?

Did he have one too many? [sighs]

Just ignore him.

Why do you always blame Dad first?

-[Lip] Hey! Come on! -[all clamouring]

Come on.

-Come on. -I'm going round Sheila's.

Mum's round there.

Oh, Christ, Fiona. Come here.

-Is this-- Is this a good idea? -I don't know.

It wasn't mine, was it?

She just rolled up, scared the shit out of Debbie.

Listen.

Listen.

-I know how you're feeling. -[sobs]

-You can't. -[sobs]

What if you just go round? I'll come with you.

Look at their faces, for fuck's sakes.

-[Ian] I'll be with you. -[Carl] We both will, won't we?

Wrong, Carl. 'Cause I am not fucking comin'!

[sobs]

-You abused her. -Oh, she asked me to!

-Walloping her? -What?

-When? -Frank, you never--

-Oh, fuck off! When? -That May Bank Holiday.

Oh, you hit me in the face with a pan of fucking porridge!

-And you hit me back! -So? Queensberry Rules.

You broke me nose and two front teeth!

Up to casualty, looking like Ann fuckin' Widdecombe!

You started it, you mad bitch!

And I'll finish it if you lay a finger on her!

Norma, we're both just third parties here.

Why don't we both just duck out and leave Monica

-to make her apologies? -Apologies?

For walking out on this piece of shit?

Not particularly. For walking out on them.

Oh, my God.

It's all right, I'm not one of yours.

Just came for a look. Oh, Kev!

Come on, let us in.

[sighs]

I know you don't need anybody, Debs, but...

[sighs]

What if I do?

[shuddering breath]

[door opens]

[sobs]

[sobs]

[all sobbing]

[TV playing]

[woman on TV] Female genital mutilation is...

[TV characters screaming]

...all of the female genitalia.

The most severe form is pharaonic circumcision.

[bottles clinking]

Monica's...

[sobs]

She looks absolutely beautiful.

I-- I miss her.

[sighs]

[children sobbing]

[sniffles]

Um... I'll have paid this house off by the time I'm 54.

[breathes deeply] We put down a big deposit.

You use love eggs?

Not so much these days, not since Frank.

My mum had a pair before they were even fashionable.

I remember thinking, "Easter's a long way off." [chuckles]

What the fuck are you on, Sheila?

Oh, God, now you're asking! Um...

Seroxin, 350 milligrams. Breakfast and teatime.

Um, Dipipanol, 25s, three times daily.

Uh, Praxil, 200s.

No, I tell a lie, it's 400s.

Come Monday, just breakfasts. And, um, Carbomazepan,

uh, whenever I manage to take them. [breathes deeply]

♪ I am not in love ♪

[clears throat]

♪ But I'm open to persuasion ♪

♪ East or West Where's the best ♪

♪ For romancin'? ♪

♪ With a friend ♪

♪ I can smile ♪

♪ With a lover I could hold my head back ♪

♪ I could really laugh, Really laugh ♪

[breathes deeply]

-♪ Thank you ♪ -[whimpers]

[Fiona] What are you sticking your arse out for?

It's these bastard shoes.

-[passer-by catcalls] -[dog barks]

Frank, you're scaring the dogs. Saying that though,

scaring them is an improvement. Save you a bob or two on drinks.

[Fiona and Veronica chuckle]

-I'm doing this for you. -No, you're not, Dad.

You're doing this 'cause you're dead if you don't.

-George. Over. -[George] Michael. Over.

There's a ropey old bird here with the eldest daughter.

His missus, probably.

She looks more hungover than he does,

so I bet he's not far away.

Keep your eyes peeled, your end. Over.

[George] Over.

I'm a wee bit early.

[door closes]

If you think I'm walking back in these,

you've got another fucking think comin'!

[sighs]

Frank?

Never!

There's these, uh, these blokes out there,

-who want-- -I don't want to know about

"blokes out there that want", not from you.

-Fuck off! No, all I'm sayin'-- -Iraq sounded far-fetched.

Now we know why. I've started, so I might as well finish.

Are you living here officially or not?

-[Frank] I'm here, aren't I? -[Lip and Ian snicker]

-Shut up! -[Billy] You certainly are.

-But sleeping where? -My bedroom, back left.

Eh, look, Billy, how long have we known each other? Look.

-What you need to know is-- -I think I know a sight more

than I wanted. Back left is Debbie's room.

-No. -[Fiona] Yeah.

How many beds, Deborah?

Do I nip upstairs and look?

Single. We chucked the double out when...

[Billy] Wait, stop. Right there.

-I am way out of my league. -Billy. Mr Wilson... [sighs]

Don't do that 'cause Dad's right.

Look, they made me do this!

You see, I've got to avoid people, you see.

-You're avoiding them, Frank? -Yeah.

-Is that right, Frank? -That's right.

How long have I been doing this job? I'm not a scaredy cat.

I housed your mum when she was on parole.

-Nobody else would touch her. -I know, I know.

And you were a teenager.

I've done nothing but favours.

-But now... -Oh.

-...you've had it. -[paper rustles]

That's your copy of the report.

Good luck with the CSA claim. 'Cause when you get it,

I want two grand off you.

Two-- What-- What for, for fuck's sake?

[Billy] Rent arrears from your last address in your other name.

And don't think you'll get away with that one,

'cause I'll haunt you 'til the day you die

for every last penny... madam.

-[Frank grunts] -[Billy groans]

[Lip] What'd you do that for?

-[both groan] -[Billy grunts]

[Debbie] Mr Wilson, are you okay?

That's it? That's all you can do?

He'll do you for assault now,

-you gormless prick. -Are you okay, Mr Wilson?

-What? He started it. -[Billy groans]

[Fiona] You all right? Go get some ice or something.

Keep your head back in case it's bleeding.

[Veronica] No, head forwards.

[sobs]

[mutters]

I try...

[sobs] Don't I know it.

That's why I don't go to church anymore!

The wife's gone walkabout, George.

She's looking a bit knocked about. Over.

Oh, rough as arseholes actually. Over.

[George] Ta, Michael.

Bloke from Housing's just come out with t'busted nose. Over.

He must be in there. Go, go, go.

I'll talk to the missus. Over.

[chase music playing]

[tyres squealing]

[door chimes]

[items crashing]

[grunts]

[panting] Is anyone around here normal?

-[bang on door] -[Michael] Frank!

-[Frank grunts] -[Michael grunts]

[Michael] Do you think you're clever, Frank?

-Do you reckon this is clever? -[Frank grunts]

-[Frank groans] -Steady on, Michael.

Do you know what your new name is, Frank?

You know what people are calling you around here?

-[groans] -Dead Man Walkin'.

-[coughs] -So when you change into your nightie,

just sleep on this for us.

[grunts]

-[Yvonne] Do you want one? -No.

Then clear it up and fuck off.

-[groaning] -[Yvonne] You an' all.

Men, eh?

[fruit machine chiming]

There you are, mate. 2.30.

-[coins clinking] -Ta.

[indistinct chatter]

[giggles]

I'm not in market for business, love.

Who's fuckin' asking?

Only wanted a light.

-[Veronica giggles] -Sorry.

[George] It's just that, well...

today's been a bit, you know...

New job, trying to get used to it.

-Oh. Who do you work for? -[George] TIC Security.

-Yeah. -Ooh.

I know, I'm not proud of it, but...

-[Veronica chuckling] -[George] Lost me job.

I've got three kids and a new mortgage.

[Veronica] I love kids, me, and I love mortgages. [chuckling]

-But in that order. [giggling] -[George chuckling]

[Veronica] So, uh, what have you got then?

Right. Well, I've got an endowment,

a repayment, and new one's a tracker.

Tracker? How does that work?

Goes up and down with t'interest rates.

-Up and down, does it? -Yeah.

You'll have to tell me about that one.

-I will, I'll get you a leaflet. -Will ya?

-Yeah. -[Veronica laughing]

[doorbell rings]

Come on, darling,

-come and have some tea. -I'm not very hungry.

-[door closes] -[plates clanking]

-Nice and clean. -Ian and Carl.

-You've, uh, done well here. -Thanks.

It's bigger than mine, and I'm working.

Oh, look! Remember Barbara? Mum's sister, Barbara.

Oh, I told you about her, married to the John

-with no eyebrows. -[Norma] Oh, aye.

Barbara gave me this as part of me wedding present.

Other part being what? [laughs]

-When did you last see the car? -It was parked outside.

When did you last have the keys?

-In here, in me pocket. -In here?

[indistinct chatter]

All right, who's the smartarse?

I'll count to five. Five...

[all] Four, three, two, one. Yay!

Waste of fucking space, phone a taxi!

Me phone was in the car.

-Get out! -[all cheering]

[cutlery clinking]

[sighs] Look, I know what you all think of me,

but if I have to start apologising,

I'll be undoin' a lot of good therapy that Norma's been kind enough

to pay for. Thank you, Norma.

-You got kids, Norma? -Not yet. What, you got

-a problem with that? -Norma. [clears throat]

I'm just trying to work out which one of you came up

with the idea of her vanishin'.

Mum doin' her disappearin' act.

Liam wasn't desperate.

'Cause he was only three months old.

Debbie was. Carl was, Ian was, Lip was, I was.

We thought you were dead.

I'm a lesbian, Fiona.

Is she?

How was I meant to come back and tell you that?

-Gently, in stages, or never. -So, is she?

Your mum's been through hell and high water, Fiona.

-Yeah. -Better believe it, girl.

[Fiona] Could've popped back for five minutes.

You might've mentioned you were still alive,

might have helped.

[Norma] You-- You weren't.

I wasn't alive, Fiona. Not 'til I met Norma.

Look, I swear to you, Fiona.

I had stuck it in me diary to ring you next week,

for your 21st, you know, to say "hello" and--

And well done.

What good were that to do?

Well, I mean, she's done a great job, look at you all.

I swear to you, Lip. To all of ya.

I'd never have left if I didn't think Fiona could cope.

I taught her everything she knows, she could run rings round your dad

before she was seven,

-I knew you'd be safe. -Oh.

Well you could, couldn't ya? I mean, it's not like I left anybody in a mess.

I knew Fiona could cope.

Lip, Ian, tell her how many GCSEs

-you're doing. -I'm doing ten.

Seven or eight, I'm not too sure yet.

-Debbie. Prizes this year?

English, Maths, Chemistry, and neatness.

Carl, you tell her what you built

-when you went to Swindon. -Triple cushion double aerofoil,

streamlined hovercraft, went like a bomb.

-Hovercraft to you. -What was he doing in Swindon?

Two-week residential for speech therapy.

Took me a year to get him a place, but I did it.

-So, yeah, I coped. Thanks! -No thanks, not to you.

Look, if anybody could change your dad, she could.

-I knew that. -[Fiona] He hasn't changed.

-How's he changed? -Well, he's a lot cleaner.

He's about as much help to us as you've been.

We'd have been better off without both of ya.

But you couldn't have known that when you fucked off

and left us to it, could ya? You didn't know.

You never bothered finding out.

[beeping]

I told you I'd get all the blame, didn't I?

I talked to loads of people, right? And I heard

-how you were getting on. -Big fucking deal!

Ho! I'm not happy with all this underage swearin'!

Oh, that's fine, Norma. Because I'm fuckin' off anyway.

I am proud of every one of them, and I am proud of me

for pulling it off.

But they're your kids

so you take over from here. Housing office, bailiffs,

schools, clinic. Over to you, Mum!

-[footsteps fading] -[door opening]

[door slams]

[sighs]

Hey, hey, hey, Fiona, you okay?

Your house. Drive.

♪ Crazy ♪

[Monica sobs]

♪ I'm crazy for feeling So lonely ♪

♪ I'm crazy ♪

♪ I'm crazy for feeling So blue ♪

[Debbie] The bitch, as she's called in the company of elves,

brought this tormenting curse upon herself.

She'd been on a bender and staggered home pissed,

found an eighth and some Rizlas and rolled out a spliff.

Got the munchies and reached for the handiest snack.

She ate her own kids and then spat them straight back.

"Forgive me, my beauties. What a dreadful mistake."

The children can't hear her, they've gone, it's too late.

Sweet Jesus, no.

Both wrists and a bottle of tablets.

-I blame meself. -[screams]

Dead? How?

[Michael] Woman over there says heart attack.

-[sobs] -[gasps]

I don't understand what I've done wrong!

[Michael] Boo! Two and a half grand

-and counting. -[Tony] Steven McBride,

-I'm arresting you on suspicion--

-[Fiona] Oh, no! -I want a lawyer.

[Carl] He's dead! And he's not coming back!

[upbeat music playing]

[sobs]

[cats snarling]

[Monica sniffles]