Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, you know, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher,

and me kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

[all gasp]

You know, they can all think for themselves,

-which they've me to thank for. -[boy] Run for it!

Fiona, who's a big help, massive help.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

'cause she's disappeared into thin air.

-[barks] -Carl, daren't let him grow his hair.

One, it stands on end, makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie, total angel.

You've to check your change, but she'd go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus Liam! Little rock 'n' roller! Gonna be a star.

-Once we've got the fits under control. -[screams]

Steve, posh lad, different planet.

The truth is out there... Not!

Kev and Veronica. Fantastic neighbours.

You know, lend you anything. Well, not anything.

But all of them, to a man, know first and foremost,

one of the most vital necessities in this life is,

they know how to throw a party!

-[siren wailing] -Scatter!

[Lip] Honour thy father and thy mother.

But we only knew where one of them was.

Dad were making a good impression around at Sheila's.

He had more time for his extended family than he ever did for us.

For the first time in years,

I was actually starting to like him again. [chuckles]

Even Karen seemed happier in his company,

which made things tons easier for me.

She were a great girl, Karen.

Best sex I'd ever had, which always counts.

Difference with this one was,

I'd never actually been in love before.

Right, it's been a week, so take your time.

-Dash, gear, pedal, yeah? -Yep.

-Got enough leg room? -Kind of.

That's fine now.

[Frank exhales]

Failing to prepare is preparing to fail, yeah?

-These all right? -[groans]

What are you trying to do to me? -[door opens]

[chuckles] Oh, yes!

-There is a God! -[door closes]

-Are you just gonna take the piss? -No, you look great behind the wheel.

Did he tell you he got done for drink driving?

[Frank] Tell your smart arsed boyfriend

it was four pints of lager, fifteen bloody years ago.

Find the bite. Totally against all that now.

Okay, remember last week?

[Frank] Mirror.

[Karen] Mirror, signal,

-Manoeuvre. -[Karen] Manoeuvre.

Go, go, go!

[groans] For Christ's sake!

-Lip! -[Lip] What did I do?

-[car engine revs] -[tyres screech]

[music playing over radio]

[Carl] I like them sausages in the tin, Steve,

-the ones with the beans. -[Steve] Mm.

-Classy. -I don't know.

-Test me. -[Liam screaming]

[indistinct chatter]

This has gotta be a wind-up.

What's wrong?

Off the school. Cheeky bastards.

"For those parents unable to attend tomorrow evening

a home visit will be made

-within the next fortnight." -No way.

The school's gonna get onto Social.

[Ian] So what do you reckon, Lip?

[sighs]

[Fiona] We could say Dad's lost the plot

so a home visit's a bit awkward at the moment.

We could say Dad's drank the plot.

Oh, God.

Dad's gonna have to do the honours.

What? Some of us wanna go to sixth form, you know.

Yeah, and he's the one they wanna see, so they can tick their boxes.

So if you wanna go to sixth form,

-you better make sure Dad goes. -Didn't know you cared.

[Fiona] Course I care about your future, Lip.

You're my pension!

[Veronica] So, if you don't turn up at school,

some bloody teacher'll turn up on your doorstep?

-Yep. -Blimey. You've no chance then.

You're gonna have to stick a bit of gaffer tape over Frank's gob

and make him play dad for the night.

[Fiona] That's more or less the plan.

That place was a right shit heap when we went.

-What's happened to it? -Don't know.

They reckon there's too much apathy among the parents or something.

Hammersley's been promoted to head.

Hammersley? Christ on a bike.

[Fiona] Don't.

[Veronica sighs] At least Lip's doing all right.

He's a bloody genius, that kid. I'm telling ya.

Oh, is it nearly time?

-Uh, less than a minute. -[Veronica groans]

I'll have to gib this bloody lark.

Twenty-seven more weeks and then the catalogue's paid off.

-[timer ticking] -[bell rings]

Oh, thank God for that. [sighs, groans]

Hot Baps is all in! Adios, losers.

[whistles]

-[whistling continues] -[groans]

[moans]

[moans]

-[parrot whistling] -[moaning]

[chuckles]

-Isn't that dangerous? -Nah, makes 'em come a treat.

It's my piece de whatsit.

[man moaning]

[parrot chirping]

Que merda!

-[man groans] -[parrot squawks]

[door closes]

You took your time.

[clicks fingers]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

I'm gonna hop in the bath.

Could you tape Location, Location, Location?

-Okay. -It's Norwich tonight.

Live from Norwich,

-it's the quiz of the week! -Week!

[both laughing]

Oh...

-Peter Fenn on the organ. -Peter bloody Fenn.

[laughs]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Norwich, East Anglia, Fens, Peter Fenn,

-must be more than coincidence. -For God's sake!

[Sheila] With a name like that, he must be a local lad.

-[sighs] -You ought to get out more.

[both laughing]

You are a tonic! [giggles]

[Kirstie Allsopp] Tonight on Location, Location, Location,

we're in Norfolk.

[woman on TV] We've got to the stage now where

-we're desperate to buy. -And we do need to find a house,

because...

I'll have to tape over one of these holiday programmes.

[Sheila] There's some blank tapes there somewhere.

Help her, Frank.

What are you playing at?

I'm finding a tape for me mum.

Wish You Were Here...?

Oh, no!

[chuckles] No way.

And here.

And here.

Tracksuit top, trainers, by the kidney beans.

[Yvonne over phone] I'm on it.

[Umi] Gormless chum, acne, dustpan and brush.

[Ian] Sorry, we're closing.

Whoa!

Pockets.

And you, crater face.

Is that a dustpan under your jacket or are you just pleased to see me?

Stick them where the sun don't shine.

49p, please.

Let us out, or we'll torch the place.

Huh? Did you hear that, officer?

[boys] Bollocks.

Arseholes.

[indistinct chatter on television]

[Frank moaning]

-[moans] She's out. -[Karen moans] Come here, you.

[Frank moans]

[both moaning]

Stop it.

-[moans] -[doorbell rings]

[Lip] All you have to do is tip up and smile.

You'll be in the Jockey by ten and I'm sweet for sixth form.

-[can opens] -It'll take two hours tops.

Oh, two hours of bloody boffins carrying on with each other.

Looking down their noses, you know, with their BA honours.

-BA, bloody arrogant. -All you have to do

-is sit there. -And if communism's so great

how come they've all got their own jars of coffee,

with their names on?

Text off Yaz, Heaton Park have got the go ahead.

-[Frank] Fantastic -[Lip] Brilliant.

The Coral, the Stands, the Bandits. A couple of shite bands an' all.

But how brilliant's that line up?

-When is it? -Yeah.

A week Sunday, but it'll be well sold out by then.

Ah, well, you know, if you wanna keep music live.

Yeah, and they'll be able to at 40 quid a ticket.

[laughing] Oh, I'm burning flint, love. If I had it--

You could have come with us.

-[Frank laughs nervously] -You're joking, aren't you?

Do I look the gooseberry type? [laughs]

-Oh, you don't want me there. -Why not? It'd be fun?

If he's going anywhere, it's parents evening, eh, Dad?

I... am going...

nowhere with nobody.

Right?

Got that?

-[door opens] -[music playing]

'Ere, give us a hand with these, will you?

-What's in it for me? -Blow job.

[phone ringing]

Hiya, Mam. Everything all right?

[Umi] Bend your knees when you're lifting boxes.

That's how you do your back in.

Oh, and tell Ian to stop picking.

He's always picking, he'll get pock marks.

Hm. Higher.

Getting warmer. [giggles]

Say, "Red Leicester."

[giggles] Oh. No wave for your poor old mum, eh?

[laughs]

-That was my idea. -Jesus.

Already saved two pound forty-eight in stolen goods.

What?

-How many cameras? -Two.

-What, covering the whole floor? -Yeah.

-[sighs] -Oh, shit.

We've still got the stock room.

-Look, Kash, honestly I-- -Hands off.

Eye in the sky, remember?

So, keep your hands off the married Paki.

[man on radio] ...fifty-eight, expected 100 miles north of Cape Finisterre.

Nine hundred and sixty-eight by 0600 Monday.

-The area forecast... -Shall we have the light off?

Viking. North Utsire. South Utsire.

Forties. Cromarty.

All those places... Rockall, Malin...

Hebrides, Bailey...

Frank?

Yes, love.

When I'm cured, will you take me to Malin Head?

Anywhere you want, princess.

Where is it?

The Emerald Isle, eight miles north of Malin.

[Frank] Any time you like.

It's the most northerly part of the mainland.

Smashing.

Frank, I'd love us to go.

-Then go we shall. -Me, you, Karen.

-She could share the driving. -Yeah.

That's the beauty of CCTV,

-shoplifters, shirt lifters. -I'm such a tool.

I didn't even think about it though.

Save on groceries, save on condoms.

Hey, do you get staff discount?

You think you're so funny. Believe me, you're not.

-Just asking. -You're a muppet.

[Frank] The thing is, Sheila, it's like...

I'm allergic to school.

I mean, we all have our little phobias, and school's mine.

I just hoped that you might do it for Karen.

Look, it's not like these things are all about the kiddies, is it?

You know, these days it's all league tables

and PR, spin and PR.

I could really do with someone to hold my hand.

[Sheila] Hear that? You've been like a father

to her for the last few weeks, Frank.

I think you've earnt the right to along tonight.

In loco parentis...

-for me and Eddie. -Look,

I've just told me own kids to go swivel. For God's sake!

[Sheila] If I could go myself...

You do know that, don't you, love?

Jesus wept.

You are so coming tonight, Frank.

We've got a pass out for a couple of hours

and there's no way you're letting me down.

-I'd be gutted... -[groans]

...and me mam's bound to notice.

-[Frank groans] -She's got this knack...

Always getting the truth out of me.

And we wouldn't want that, now, would we?

-[dog barking] -[kids chattering indistinctly]

[kids giggling]

[Kash] Yeah. Just a bit-- a little bit b-- Yeah, there.

Yeah. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Try that.

[Ian laughs over phone] Check this.

-Can you see shag valley? -[Kash laughing]

-[Ian] Get down here now. -[Kash chuckles]

We are home and dry.

[both panting, moaning]

And where did you two spring from?

Oh, come on. We're gonna be late.

[sighs] Right.

-[Frank sighs] -Oh, Frank.

In loco bleeding parentis.

-[chuckles] -[knocking at door]

[Frank mutters]

-Hiya, Megan. -[Megan chuckles]

Hiya. Here for your session with agoraphobic Annie?

-[laughs] -Hello, Frank. Hi, love.

-You ready for the off, then? -Raring to go.

Right, and don't let her spend too much.

-[chuckles] -[Karen] Come on, Frank.

Good luck.

Parents evening.

Right then, time for a little retail therapy.

[indistinct chatter]

-Frank, you need to sign in. -[Frank] Huh?

Oh, righty ho.

-Did you know about this? -[sighs]

[Lip] What's he doing here?

-What have you brought him for? -What the hell are you doing here?

I'm here for Karen. Loco parentis.

-Et tu, Brute? -[Fiona] No offence, Karen,

but we said you were in the hospital. That's why you couldn't come.

That's a fucking horrible thing to say.

Hey, don't go tempting fate, you!

Hospital? With what?

Liver dysfunction. We knew they'd buy that.

No, look, hang on. They don't know him anyway.

Unless he's been when you were here.

[Fiona] He never came for me.

[Lip] Right, and he's never been while me and Ian have been here, has he?

Hey, I'm all she's got 'cause her dad fucked...

Remember?

God, that's what gets me about you lot, you know.

Generosity, one way traffic. Me, me, me.

The show is on the road.

Point us at the first one, sweetheart.

Um, chemistry's free.

I'm sorry, am I--

-Am I early or late? Eh? -[sighs]

[machine beeping]

[electronic buzzing]

Oh! [laughs] Dickie wheel on the trolley.

Swap it for a new one, they're by the doors.

No, I...

This one's fine, thanks. [chuckles]

I'll be right beside you.

-[Sheila breathes heavily] -[machine beeping]

I can't. [chuckles]

-[Megan] Sure? -No, sorry. I can't.

Okay, tell you what, why don't we start in the drinks aisle?

Oh, a drink. Yes, please.

Oh.

Oh.

-[machine beeping] -[Sheila] Oh.

Fiona, with all respect this is a parent's evening and you're a sibling, hmm?

I'm a guardian while Dad's in hospital.

Look, I've made the rule, I'll have to stick to it.

Home visit. [clears throat] Home.

[stammers] What if Dad doesn't get out?

That is a possibility.

Oh, we're a doctor now, Phillip?

-[chuckles] -No.

But he is.

Steven McBride, I'm Fiona's husband...

to be.

Mr Hammersley, I don't get it. If Lip-- Phillip

wants to sit history and he's good at history,

then what's to gain from stopping him?

Seriously, higher grades all round

and a much more pleasant teaching experience.

-What did he get in his mocks? -[Hammersley] He was lucky.

-Above average. -Ninety-two percent.

Fine. But while his grades spiral, the others all plummet.

[bangs desk]

-He's disruptive. -No, I'm not.

-He's contradictory. -No, I'm not!

-You see. -Shut up, Lip.

[Steve] If I could-- If I could just have five minutes alone with Mr Hammersley.

If things are being said, I want to hear it.

Fiona.

Come on, Lip.

[Hammersley exhales]

Look, I know what he's like and I know what you're thinking.

Mm-mm. No, you don't. [chuckles]

Smart arsed little fucker.

[chuckles] Much, much worse than that.

[both chuckling]

Look, um, do you smoke?

[inhales]

[exhales]

[Steve] How long you got left in the job?

-[door creaks] -Seventy-two and a half weeks.

Phillip's a keen lad.

I mean, he wants to be an architect.

[Hammersley] He's a twat.

Well, they all are. Kids, staff, parents.

-No offence. -Ah, none taken.

[inhales sharply] You not having one?

No, I try not to use that stuff when I'm-- When I'm working.

Jesus Christ.

[Frank] It was massive, you know, this thing.

See, I know for a fact that PB is lead,

T is tin, Z is zinc.

You know, you had to know all that to work at Hanson's steel yard, see.

Now, I worked there 'til it shut down, but--

Well, no, uh, I left a bit before that.

But you had to be shit hot at chemistry, you know.

Yeah. Never a truer word said, "If you can read this

-tell the teacher." -"Thank your teacher."

Thank your teacher.

-[Megan] A lottery ticket? -[Sheila] Not today, thank you.

-Packet of fags for Frank? -No, um, I'd rather pay. [chuckles]

[Megan] Where's your sense of adventure, Sheila? Come on, let's give it a try.

Here we go.

Past the fruit and veg...

-Past the carnations-- -It's too near the doors.

-[sobbing] -You're doing great, Sheila.

[Sheila sobbing] It's too near the doors.

[Megan] You're fine, look. We're here already, sweets and tobacco.

No, it's too near. [sobbing]

[Megan] Just the one ticket, or should we go and get a scratch card--

[Sheila sobbing]

-The doors. -[Megan] Never mind.

I told you it's too near the doors.

Year zero, Gallagher. Clean sheet, no pun intended.

[laughs]

You mean he can do it? He can do history?

He can do what he wants. [laughs]

What, and you won't shaft me with the course work?

Me? Guess again, Tin Tin. [laughs]

[Hammersley continues laughing]

-What's Steve said to him? -How should I know?

What's all that about?

To gain strength, you sometimes have to demonstrate weakness.

[laughs] What are you on about?

I told him he still wets the bed. Cheered him up no end,

he thinks he's got something on you now. [sniffs]

-Where's the bogs by the way? -Down there, second right.

-[laughs] -Is he serious?

Pissing the bed at my age.

Aw.

-[stutters] Get off. -People do.

[hisses]

[thumping]

[muffled giggling]

[moaning]

[Karen moaning]

[pants, groans]

-Hey, we can't-- -[Karen] Oh, we can.

-Are you serious? -Toilets are blocked, mate.

All right? Come on.

[stutters] Hammersley's going to tell everyone.

I mean, literally take the piss out of me.

Do you know what, Lip, that's the only fact of life

we really need to get used to, that people can and will.

-Here you are, Stevo. -Cheers. Kev. Thanks.

A pint, Kev.

Franky, you're getting later and later.

Must be all those home comforts.

[Frank] All right.

No, Karen's had him up the school.

And a packet of dry-roasted, Kev.

-[Kev] He smells better as well. -[Frank] Sticks and stones.

How did you get on with the teachers, Frank?

Total waste of time. Bits of kids teaching bits of kids.

Yeah. How long you been fucking Karen for?

Eh?

Sorry, mate, my mum's always telling me off about mumbling.

I said, "How long have you been fucking Karen for?"

I don't know what you're bloody talking about.

[Steve] In the toilets.

Your son's girlfriend, Frank...

your girlfriend's daughter.

[scoffs] You're one twisted little shit, you know that?

You call time on it, Frank, or I'll blow the whistle.

-What's that about? -Kev, I'll have another.

[belches] A whisky chaser.

[belches]

[Sheila panting] I don't know.

Two baths in one night.

[Frank] Oh, schools stink worse than hospitals.

What about pubs?

Tell me again, love.

[groans] Oh, God. How many more times?

Please.

-If I could have gone myself. -All right. He said...

she was developing into a very poised young woman.

-"Very poised." -Yeah.

Quite the young lady.

Yeah, she's a woman, all right.

The way they grow up these days.

-Harder! -[groans]

[Sheila] She'll always be a baby to me.

[sobbing] My shopping didn't go very well.

What, forgot the milk?

I can't even get out the doors of a pretend supermarket.

How am I ever going to get to Malin Head?

Hey, hey. Come on, come on.

We are going to Malin Head. Eh?

End of story.

[sobs] Life's going on all around me, Frank,

and I'm missing out.

[sighs] Hey, come on. Hey. [shushes]

You'll get through those doors any day now.

Hmm.

And you'll never look back.

[Sheila sighs]

[Lip] If I could get my hands on tickets for Heaton Park,

Karen would be well impressed.

I don't suppose there's any chance you could lend us

-eighty of your pink pounds? -[Debbie screams]

-[Debbie screams] -For God's sake, Debs, give it a rest.

-[Debbie] It's massive!

-Like I can magic eighty... -[Debbie screams]

-...quid. -You could always liberate it

from that till.

He scores! [laughs]

-[Ian] Good shot, man. -[both laughing]

Job done, Debs.

Right, Debs, your starter for ten.

Which member of Atomic Kitten is currently sporting a face full of moth?

Not Liz.

-Ah, Jenny. -Hey, hey. [chuckles]

I've got eighty quid.

[Lip] Listen, I'll pay you back.

I'm not bothered.

[Lip] I'm gonna take Karen to a festival.

I'll be well in t' good books for this.

Do you need extra, for spends, drinks, snacks etc?

No, I've got enough for that.

[chuckles]

Look, Debs...

I do think you're a bit weird sometimes, but good weird.

-All right? -Whatever.

-Has she taken a sleeping pill? -No.

-[Karen] Who's a bold boy? -Right, listen, babe,

there's no easy way to say this. It's my lad.

-Mm, what about him? -Look-- Look, something's

gotta give here, and as usual it's yours friggin' truly.

I can't do it to the lad. I mean, me and you...

-that's it. -[stutters] Are you dumping me?

No way.

Hey, driving lessons, I'm there.

You know, help with your studies, fix your hi-fi, I'm there, just no more--

-You know, the other. -You can't do this.

[sighs]

A man has gotta look his son in the eye, hasn't he?

I mean, I held him the day after he was born.

[stutters] I-- I held him... and everything.

Fucking massive.

All right.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[sirens blaring in distance]

-[Yvonne] See you later. -[woman] See you.

[Yvonne] Goodnight.

Can't half rabbit, my mam.

Still, you've fixed her shower,

and your halo's never been brighter.

-You've got to see this. -[footsteps approaching]

-Let's just go, hey? -Wait a minute.

It's a killer.

-It's a Houdini jobbie. -Yeah?

Right. There's Ian, see...

disappears by the veg...

and there's my husband...

and what do you know...

disappears into the same Bermuda triangle.

-Yvonne. -Oh! But the grand finale...

Here we go.

Wait for it.

Four and a half minutes later...

there's Ian...

and there's the father of my children...

with his shirt hanging out the back of his trousers.

-[Kash] Jesus. -[Yvonne] The original lifted shirt.

-[Kash] Yvonne. -Keys?

And the car keys.

-[rock music playing] -[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

Karen? Karen, I'll leave your cuppa by the door, okay?

Do you think she's angry with me?

Projecting?

I read it in my Dear Julie column.

[Frank] Dear Julie?

She knows the square root of fuck all, that one.

Maybe I clip her wings in ways I didn't even realise.

Would you like me to have a word with her?

Oh, if you've got time

-that would be wonder-- -Oh, the kid will love that, Sheil. Eh?

There she is, having a lie in,

you know, happy as Larry. Next thing she knows,

Nurse Looney Tunes is sat on the end of her bed

giving it a load of cobblers.

-No offence, like. -[footsteps approaching]

[door opening]

[door slamming]

[inhales]

It's not hereditary, Frank. I'm not catching.

[Sheila breathes heavily]

[imitates trumpet]

-Francisco! -Cut the chit chat,

give us a large whisky.

[footsteps approaching]

-What have you said to the kids? -Oh, you know,

Daddy's going to hell in a hand cart.

Daddy likes hot cock.

Like I'm gonna tell the kids.

-What about me mam? -[sighs]

You bastard.

What about me?

-[sniffles] -I'm sorry.

New house rules.

-We shag until I get pregnant. -What?

-I want another baby. -Yvonne!

From now on, you're kipping up there.

You can only come home to visit the kids

and once I'm pregnant, you can shag who you like,

front or back. But not here.

And only after I'm up the duff.

And what about him?

There's summat you should know.

[Lip] Uh-uh. Me first.

Ta-da! [chuckles]

Oh, my God.

Heaton Park. [stutters] But these cost a fortune.

I had to flog one of my kidneys. I'll be fine.

You're mad.

I love you, you clown.

[groans, moans]

-[Lip pants, groans] -[Karen moans]

[door unlocks]

[door opens]

Do you want to watch a vid? I'll boot the kids out.

[Karen] No, look.

There's no easy way to say this...

I think we should stop seeing each other.

[laughs] What? 'Cause the sex is crap?

I just think it would be better if we were mates.

If it's because I said-- Look, I don't love you, love you--

-It's not that.

[Lip sighs] What was all that about?

Payback for the fucking tickets?

An eighty quid special!

Great.

Look, you don't have to dump me, I don't love you, honest.

-I'm sorry. -Please, don't do this.

Look, I don't love you.

Is there somebody else?

[sighs]

-[Fiona] What are you doing up here? -I'm gone.

[sobs]

Lip?

[sobs]

[stutters] Please, don't say owt.

[sobs]

Oh, Lip.

Come on, sweetheart.

-Let's leave him alone. -[sobs]

[Ian] Who do you reckon it is then, Lip?

I'll twat him for you.

She took both tickets.

Nice.

Blew you off then blew you out.

[both laughing]

You're about this funny.

[both laughing]

So, why are you laughing?

Because I'm eighty quid down and my girlfriend's dumped me!

-Heaton Park, any takers? -No chance.

She'd never know.

I thought Lip was going with you.

Lip's history.

-Go on, you... -No.

-...me. -[both breathing heavily]

A whole day away from this place.

Okay, you and me are finito, kid.

All right? Comprende?

Well and truly finito.

[door opens]

Get yourself an E or something.

-Ta-ra. -[door closes]

[Liam talking indistinctly]

-State of you. -You're too kind.

[groans]

Hmm.

Am I allowed to say you're worth ten of her?

[woman talking on radio]

All with the tops open, there's a surprise.

[grunts] I don't know, what's got into Dad lately.

Driving lessons for Karen,

-parents evening. -[Liam] Yeah.

More of a dad to her than he's ever been to any of us.

What's got into your daddy lately?

-[laughs] -[Liam] I don't know.

[Fiona] Well, you should find out for me.

-[Frank laughing] -[Liam] I don't know.

-How's your love life, Ian? -What love life?

What, no girlfriend on the scene keeping you up all night?

In my dreams.

[mouthing]

[Yvonne] She knows.

He's trying to tell you that I know.

The bad news is, you've had your hands in my husband's boxers.

But it could have been worse.

You could have had them in the till.

I'm not sacked?

Take over here.

Gaylord will fill you in on the terms and conditions.

-Oh, and, Ian? -Yeah?

Lose the black hole of Calcutta.

Ian, come here.

Don't ever touch him again.

[indistinct chatter outside]

[dog barking]

My dad, isn't it?

[Karen sobbing]

Hey!

For Christ's sake. [gasps]

You fucked her.

[Frank groaning]

Sounds like Frank.

It's Lip.

Oh, my God.

-[groans] -[groans]

-You fucked her! -[groans]

[Frank groaning] Help!

Dial 999, Karen.

-I'm coming, Frank. -Sheil! [groans]

-Help! -[Lip grunts]

[sobs]

I'm coming, Frank.

[screams]

Oi, come here.

-Come here. Come on. -[Frank groaning]

-Come on. -[Frank groans]

-Get off me! Let me kill him. -Come here.

-[Frank groans] -[Lip] He fucked her.

Get off me, I'm going to kill him! Get off me!

He fucked her and I want to fuck him. [pants]

Come here. Stop it.

-[pants] -[Lip] Get off me!

You animal!

Ow!

Look, you are--

He fucked her! [sobs]

-Lip, get yourself up, mate. Come on. -[Lip] Get off me.

-Lip, come on, get yourself up. -[Lip] Just get off.

-Come here. Calm down. -Fuck's sake. Get off.

-Calm down, calm down, mate! -Get off me!

All right?

[siren blaring in distance]

[whimpers]

[Sheila] Baby.

-[whimpers] -Why, Frank?

Why would he do this to you?

Because he's a bloody psycho.

I told him straight, nice and reasonable...

you'll get your twenty quid when my giro comes.

Next thing I know,

-he's beating me to death. -[Sheila] What?

All this over money?

Yeah, bloody pin money. [whimpers]

I wish you'd have asked me for it, I'd give you anything.

No, I don't want to take advantage.

Oh, you're too soft, Frank.

-[Frank chuckles] -[Sheila] Aw.

-Frank. -[whimpers]

Oh, baby.

[door slams]

When did you find out?

A few days ago.

Exactly.

Two.

I'm sorry, Lip.

Suppose I could do a ciggie.

Some toast.

-Do you want me-- -Peanut butter, two slices.

Cut up into little triangles or something?

-Surprise me. -All right.

-Think I'll have it in my room. -Yeah.

[exhales deeply]

[clinks]

-[clinks] -[Frank] Lip?

[sighs]

Open the window, son.

I'm sorry, okay? I'm a twat. I-- No, I am. A prize prick.

Yeah, if your grandad were here, he'd be saying the same. [chuckles]

It's totally down to me, Lip. I know.

You know, we all do-- Well, not totally, is it?

I mean, she's completely...

It's-- It's like the moon orbiting round the earth,

These things sometimes fly up in your face, don't they?

And, you-- You know, we can't hold that against her,

now, son, can we? I mean, she's young, she's footloose,

I mean, we're both victims in this, you know, you and me.

Both bloody victims, like...

How can I ever say I'm sorry?

Fuck's sake!

Oh, okay, all right. Fair enough. Is it--

All right, okay.

[Lip] She moved into her grandma's that night.

I've seen her twice at school, she didn't see me.

Honouring thy father takes some doing.

They say give to receive which is virtually impossible

with somebody who believes in "share and share alike."

[man] How do, Frank?

-[Frank] Yeah, not bad, yeah, okay. Night. -[man] Bye.

[laughs]

[growls] -[Fiona] Hey, hey, hey.

Who are you? Who said you could come in?

Two grand's worth of debt and still mounting up.

[bailiff 1] He pays up or he does without. We're talking legs.

[bailiff 2] Where is he?

[bailiff 1] Do you know what your new name is, Frank?

Dead man walking.

I reckon he's broke the rules.

He's used his full name somewhere.

Request from the Child Support Agency for a domestic circumstances appraisal.

[Fiona] What's any this got to do with the Child Support Agency?

Presumably because your mum asked for a summary.

Do you know where she is?

[Fiona] You know where mum is, don't you?

-No. -Liar.

[Frank] You think I'm going around chasing skirt?

A bloke couldn't love anybody more than I love you.

Mum.

[music playing]

Past the fruit and veg...

-It's too near the doors. -[machine beeping]

-[Megan] You're doing great, Sheila. -[Sheila sobbing]

-Hang on. -[electronic buzz]

[Megan] They're charging 3.80 for panty liners.

How's that worth coming out for?